JustPearlyThings - Panelists Were Asked The Kind of Wife They Would Be

00:00:00.000 Coming up next.

00:00:00.920 When they get married, what kind of wife do they think they're going to be?

00:00:04.140 Definitely a calm wife.

00:00:06.220 My kids can't be looked after by other people

00:00:08.800 until they can put a sentence together.

00:00:10.780 There's no baby leaving my body without a ring on my finger.

00:00:16.300 Can I come to your wedding?

00:00:17.520 Of course you can.

00:00:18.240 Before I die.

00:00:18.920 Of course you can.

00:00:20.600 There's nothing wrong with having kids without marriage.

00:00:22.780 I mean, I was born outside of marriage, but it's not happening for me.

00:00:25.920 I just want someone lovely.

00:00:27.720 That doesn't stress me out.

00:00:28.980 And if I have that...

00:00:30.040 You just picked the guy with the mental disorder.

00:00:32.900 If I'm going to be honest, my life is chaotic.

00:00:34.580 I wouldn't want to marry me.

00:00:35.680 There was a lot that I had to change, and I think that's what...

00:00:40.240 See that?

00:00:41.020 Just pointing out.

00:00:41.960 See career woman.

00:00:42.840 See career woman.

00:00:43.780 Career woman, right?

00:00:45.120 Career woman.

00:00:45.920 Take notes.

00:00:48.080 When they get married, what kind of wife do they think they're going to be?

00:00:51.660 Oh, that's a good question, auntie.

00:00:53.880 Go ahead, start there.

00:00:58.980 Definitely a calm wife.

00:01:02.240 I know that sounds like what is a calm wife.

00:01:04.340 Just someone who keeps their home peaceful, no outside dramas, and just a loving, nurturing

00:01:14.160 place.

00:01:15.300 I know in the UK you get that, I think it's like 10 to 12 months or something for your

00:01:21.840 maternity leave.

00:01:23.020 I want that at least the first two and a half years just with my kids at home.

00:01:28.520 And I kind of want them close in age and just, I know it sounds so like cliche and like the

00:01:35.260 cooking and the cleaning, but I just want it to be a place where my man can feel like

00:01:38.500 he can be a man and like he's in his role and he's masculine and I can be in my feminine

00:01:43.300 and just be a mother and a wife.

00:01:45.960 That's literally what I want.

00:01:49.280 What do you think you're going to get?

00:01:51.240 That's what I'm going to get.

00:01:52.420 Okay.

00:01:52.940 Yeah, that's what I'm going to get.

00:01:55.180 But I need a man who wants to be a husband and wants to do that role.

00:02:00.440 I can't have a man who wants me to also be like...

00:02:03.480 So what would your day-to-day life look like if you were in that role?

00:02:07.420 What would you be doing?

00:02:08.880 From the time you wake up in the morning with the two kids at six o'clock in the morning,

00:02:13.660 what's your day going to be like?

00:02:15.540 Well, I have my own daily structures and then that can just put me in the mind frame

00:02:19.780 of doing what I need to do.

00:02:21.680 And with kids, you know, it's never going to, no day is going to look the same.

00:02:25.920 But what do you mean?

00:02:28.460 Like, what is it like?

00:02:29.520 Feeding them, cooking, cleaning.

00:02:31.560 Give us your rota.

00:02:32.820 Yes.

00:02:33.300 All right, then you wake up at five o'clock in the morning, one baby's screaming, right?

00:02:36.880 You've got to get your husband ready for work.

00:02:38.360 So you have a guy across from you who makes $250,000 a year.

00:02:41.840 He says, you know, you could be my housewife.

00:02:44.140 What are you going to do for me?

00:02:45.100 Go.

00:02:46.560 Cook, clean, make sure the kids are looked after.

00:02:50.400 And when I say, and also keep myself together.

00:02:53.120 So describe your normal day from start to finish.

00:02:56.260 Okay, so I wake up, I VJ, like get stuff out of my journal, meditate,

00:03:03.300 do my like seven self-care pillars, cold shower.

00:03:07.400 If that means I've got to wake up at four because the kid wants to scream at five,

00:03:10.260 then I've got to do that.

00:03:12.620 One, two kids, one might be on school, one might be nursery or two under two.

00:03:17.280 I don't know.

00:03:20.300 Home schooled.

00:03:21.840 Home schooled.

00:03:22.380 Until what age?

00:03:23.720 Never.

00:03:24.540 Me doing it or like someone comes in?

00:03:26.460 You do it.

00:03:27.120 Oh, I, do you know what?

00:03:28.140 I've never actually thought about like what that would look like,

00:03:32.220 but I would be happy to.

00:03:34.120 I've never thought about what that would look like.

00:03:35.780 I've always just kind of had in my head that my kids would be at home until about three, four.

00:03:40.600 I personally don't want my kids going to nursery at two.

00:03:43.200 I know that's like this kind of like standard age,

00:03:45.260 but I want to be at home with my kids at two years old.

00:03:49.060 So about three, four, they can like start going to other people.

00:03:53.900 Okay.

00:03:54.820 My kids can't be looked after by other people until they can put a sentence together.

00:03:59.780 Yeah.

00:04:00.480 Like that, that, that's it.

00:04:02.520 Until they can understand like their body in terms of like for that age,

00:04:08.560 they're not being looked after by anyone.

00:04:10.040 And I need a man who gets that, who says, you know what?

00:04:13.660 Yeah, I agree.

00:04:14.220 I don't want a man to think, oh, you doing that means you're going to live off of me.

00:04:18.620 No, I'm doing this because of the nurturing and the foundation I want for my kids.

00:04:23.100 That's your question.

00:04:23.940 And them going into the world.

00:04:24.840 If the child is really ill and you go to bed at midnight,

00:04:27.440 are you still going to get up at four o'clock in the morning to go through your whole?

00:04:31.280 Yeah.

00:04:31.860 I'm just thinking to myself,

00:04:32.820 you would love to have that couple of hours in the morning to do all of that,

00:04:36.380 all of that stuff.

00:04:37.640 It just sounds amazing.

00:04:39.580 If they're sick, sorry, I mean.

00:04:42.020 No, I mean,

00:04:42.520 because you're going to say you're going to get up at four o'clock in the morning.

00:04:44.800 If I had to.

00:04:45.640 Because I heard you're doing a lot of talking,

00:04:48.060 but I heard you say about your day, yeah.

00:04:49.880 It's been a lot of.

00:04:51.760 I don't know.

00:04:52.860 I want to hear, I want to,

00:04:53.320 I'll tell you what I want to hear, right?

00:04:54.740 Like you said, you get up at four o'clock in the morning,

00:04:57.180 you do all of your stuff for you.

00:05:00.180 What time does that finish?

00:05:03.120 45 minutes to an hour.

00:05:04.420 All right then.

00:05:04.840 So five o'clock, we're going to do that.

00:05:07.580 I mean, I'm not a mother,

00:05:09.460 so I don't exactly know what that looks like,

00:05:11.720 but I know that I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to be the mother

00:05:15.440 that I know that I want to be.

00:05:17.140 So I can't.

00:05:18.060 How have you, how have you prepared?

00:05:20.520 What do you mean?

00:05:21.280 No, I said I'm prepared to do it.

00:05:23.520 Okay.

00:05:23.900 So like, I would have to teach you.

00:05:26.020 What do you mean?

00:05:27.060 So you, I'm saying,

00:05:28.700 so then he would have to teach you,

00:05:29.880 you're prepared to do it,

00:05:31.100 but you're not telling me what it is.

00:05:32.700 Yeah.

00:05:33.040 I, yeah.

00:05:33.660 I don't know exactly.

00:05:35.680 I know it takes a lot emotionally,

00:05:38.080 mentally, physically,

00:05:39.740 and I'm ready to,

00:05:41.240 and I'm prepared to go through it.

00:05:42.480 I want to go through it because I want to be a mother.

00:05:45.060 Have you got nieces and nephews?

00:05:47.040 I do.

00:05:48.020 Do you babysit a lot?

00:05:49.460 Not, not like that.

00:05:50.580 No.

00:05:51.640 Would you be able to,

00:05:52.440 if you could?

00:05:53.280 Yeah, I could.

00:05:54.040 It's half term this week.

00:05:55.000 Try it, try it for a day.

00:05:56.680 Yeah.

00:05:57.180 All of them.

00:05:58.300 Try having them for a day.

00:06:00.140 Yeah, I would.

00:06:01.400 And let me know how you get on.

00:06:02.220 I would be down for it.

00:06:03.260 Let me know how you get on.

00:06:04.900 I think my,

00:06:05.640 my siblings,

00:06:06.520 they range in a massive range.

00:06:09.800 So.

00:06:10.420 I want you to have all the ones under five.

00:06:13.080 Okay.

00:06:14.020 And let me know how you get on.

00:06:15.120 For a full day,

00:06:15.760 no parents involved in.

00:06:17.020 But in the morning,

00:06:17.600 they drop off to the evening bedtime.

00:06:19.740 I would love to do that.

00:06:21.100 Let me know how you get on.

00:06:22.020 I'd love to know.

00:06:23.440 Okay.

00:06:23.760 So then we get 5 a.m.

00:06:25.560 So the kids are up.

00:06:26.000 Like,

00:06:26.260 I don't know how long the day is going to be,

00:06:27.940 but I know it's going to be long.

00:06:28.900 I want to say that.

00:06:29.940 Yeah.

00:06:30.900 Because the thing is,

00:06:31.860 the thing is,

00:06:32.280 do you know what I mean?

00:06:33.580 Because,

00:06:34.060 and then it's like,

00:06:34.820 you know,

00:06:34.980 finding time to like have your shower and all that.

00:06:37.000 And you might not even have time to,

00:06:38.620 to do all of that stuff.

00:06:39.760 And then to,

00:06:41.420 you know,

00:06:41.920 have dinner ready for when he gets home.

00:06:44.040 Like,

00:06:44.300 I know it's going to be stressful.

00:06:46.080 I know it's not going to be an easy job.

00:06:47.940 Like,

00:06:48.220 I'm not even going to pretend like I'm deluded on that.

00:06:51.920 But I just can't wait to be in it.

00:06:53.400 I think you need to start practicing now.

00:06:55.060 That's what I mean.

00:06:55.880 Yeah.

00:06:56.100 It sounds wonderful.

00:06:58.020 Cause I can't wait till we get down to the end so you can hear what it's really like.

00:07:02.980 Yeah.

00:07:03.180 But then also,

00:07:04.640 but then also,

00:07:06.560 I'm.

00:07:06.940 How many,

00:07:07.360 how many meals can you cook?

00:07:08.620 Would you say?

00:07:09.560 Like if you had to make a menu of your food,

00:07:11.240 how many meals?

00:07:12.460 Oh,

00:07:12.680 I don't know,

00:07:13.140 but in the double digits.

00:07:14.320 Okay.

00:07:14.940 So like 10,

00:07:15.760 20,

00:07:16.380 15.

00:07:17.380 No,

00:07:17.760 which one?

00:07:18.100 10,

00:07:18.320 20 or 50?

00:07:20.200 Like 15,

00:07:21.160 20,

00:07:21.660 25.

00:07:22.600 Okay.

00:07:23.160 Okay.

00:07:23.500 Cool.

00:07:23.800 So he gets 25 meals.

00:07:25.980 Roughly.

00:07:26.600 Oh,

00:07:27.060 yeah.

00:07:27.680 I'm just asking what he gets.

00:07:29.240 Yeah.

00:07:29.460 Yeah.

00:07:30.100 Okay.

00:07:31.060 Do you have any other questions,

00:07:32.200 Andy?

00:07:32.680 No,

00:07:32.980 I just want to know.

00:07:34.860 Yeah.

00:07:35.100 I know when you said I'm about when it gets to the end,

00:07:37.820 but I also know that I won't be in that position unless I know that he can provide a certain lifestyle.

00:07:43.860 I like it.

00:07:44.420 That's just for me.

00:07:45.300 You can never afford to have children.

00:07:47.580 I know.

00:07:48.100 If you think you're going to save up to have children,

00:07:50.320 forget about it.

00:07:51.060 I'm not,

00:07:51.760 but I can,

00:07:52.500 I can categorically tell you if,

00:07:56.220 if life happens and we might end up in a situation,

00:07:59.240 but I can categorically tell you I'm not entering a situation like that.

00:08:04.260 No,

00:08:04.440 there's no baby leaving my body without a ring on my finger.

00:08:10.460 Can I come to your wedding?

00:08:11.660 Of course you can.

00:08:12.380 Before I die.

00:08:13.060 Of course you can.

00:08:14.040 Okay.

00:08:14.760 There's nothing wrong with having kids without marriage.

00:08:16.920 I mean,

00:08:17.100 I was born outside of marriage,

00:08:18.380 but it's not happening for me.

00:08:20.180 It's not.

00:08:22.460 Are you religious?

00:08:24.200 I don't.

00:08:24.600 Are you religious?

00:08:25.640 I'm a Christian,

00:08:26.340 yeah.

00:08:26.860 Okay,

00:08:27.240 then that just changes things a little bit.

00:08:29.500 Why?

00:08:31.160 Before she said that,

00:08:32.120 I was thinking you don't stand a chance.

00:08:34.440 It's very rare.

00:08:35.960 Now at least she's got a,

00:08:37.140 there's a percentage there.

00:08:38.520 Not very high,

00:08:39.180 but there's sort of a percentage.

00:08:40.700 You don't stand a chance for what?

00:08:42.300 Kids.

00:08:42.660 No,

00:08:43.280 for the happy whatever and the regular out there and the way,

00:08:46.020 the way she sounded,

00:08:47.220 it just sounded like impossible.

00:08:49.880 It just doesn't sound like real.

00:08:51.880 I don't know.

00:08:52.600 It depends.

00:08:53.340 I can't.

00:08:53.800 Yeah.

00:08:54.000 Not having kids before marriage.

00:08:57.980 No.

00:08:59.100 I'm going to wake up for an hour and meditate before my kids.

00:09:02.240 Oh no,

00:09:02.780 not meditate for an hour.

00:09:04.720 Oh my God.

00:09:05.140 No.

00:09:05.600 You said 45 minutes.

00:09:06.620 No,

00:09:07.180 no.

00:09:07.420 I mean like everything that I do,

00:09:08.960 like right now,

00:09:09.460 currently everything that I do takes about 45 minutes in the morning.

00:09:11.920 That's from waking up to having my shower,

00:09:15.500 meditate,

00:09:15.960 VJ breakfast,

00:09:17.820 but sometimes.

00:09:19.800 Yeah.

00:09:20.640 Oh,

00:09:20.980 sorry.

00:09:21.780 Journaling.

00:09:22.460 It's just where you just like get like,

00:09:24.320 but it's not like happy journey.

00:09:25.640 It's just like you get any like horrible thoughts out,

00:09:28.100 any emotions.

00:09:28.700 So it's just,

00:09:29.180 you just get it out.

00:09:29.920 It's done.

00:09:30.680 Leave it there.

00:09:32.420 You don't carry on into the next day.

00:09:33.880 You don't carry it into the day.

00:09:35.600 Why wouldn't you just pray?

00:09:37.180 Pardon?

00:09:37.840 No,

00:09:38.260 I pray as well.

00:09:39.400 And I,

00:09:39.960 sometimes I do it twice a day.

00:09:40.920 Sometimes I do it once a day.

00:09:42.180 It really depends.

00:09:44.040 But I just,

00:09:45.160 I don't need to take negative emotions from one day into the next day.

00:09:48.160 And sometimes a lot of times when you think something's happened or

00:09:51.120 someone's done you something,

00:09:52.200 they actually haven't.

00:09:53.380 It's just you're in your feelings and you get it out.

00:09:56.720 And it's also instead of offloading onto another friend,

00:09:59.980 not all the time do I need to call my friend.

00:10:01.120 I'm like,

00:10:01.240 Oh my God,

00:10:01.560 can you believe this happened?

00:10:02.240 And they're like,

00:10:02.640 yeah.

00:10:03.100 Oh my God.

00:10:03.620 F that B and just get it out.

00:10:06.320 Boom.

00:10:06.800 Done.

00:10:07.120 Move on.

00:10:07.620 What would you do for your husband every day?

00:10:09.420 Cause I've heard about the kids.

00:10:10.920 I've heard about you.

00:10:11.500 I haven't heard about your husband yet.

00:10:13.580 Like cook clean.

00:10:14.800 Okay.

00:10:15.180 Look after him.

00:10:15.920 Outside of that,

00:10:16.340 anything else?

00:10:17.800 Be his support system.

00:10:20.020 Okay.

00:10:20.320 How?

00:10:21.040 I don't know what that looks,

00:10:22.600 exactly what that looks like.

00:10:23.800 But if he told me it looks like X,

00:10:25.940 Y,

00:10:26.260 Z,

00:10:26.560 then it's X,

00:10:27.240 Y,

00:10:27.380 Z.

00:10:27.920 Okay.

00:10:28.560 Okay.

00:10:28.820 What about you?

00:10:30.220 What kind of wife do you want to be?

00:10:32.440 I feel like I was born quite maternal,

00:10:35.620 quite wifely.

00:10:36.560 And I,

00:10:37.580 sometimes it's a con cause you carry wifely duties before needed.

00:10:42.360 Girlfriend prices.

00:10:43.160 When I am a wife,

00:10:46.240 I have kind of similar views.

00:10:48.500 I'll,

00:10:48.880 you know,

00:10:49.440 I want to raise my children to a certain age and then they can get into

00:10:52.260 education or whatever.

00:10:54.460 If during that time,

00:10:56.300 my man is the provider,

00:10:57.840 then I'll have to step up and do most homely things.

00:11:00.640 But then when I do continue to go back to work or start providing also,

00:11:05.060 whether it's for everyone or just,

00:11:06.840 you know,

00:11:07.400 partly,

00:11:08.440 um,

00:11:08.940 I'd want him to step in slightly more and maybe one night help with the

00:11:12.760 cooking or unload the dishwasher.

00:11:14.580 I don't think it should be all on me.

00:11:16.540 Um,

00:11:18.280 but yeah,

00:11:18.740 I'm a very giving person.

00:11:19.740 I'm very caring,

00:11:20.560 nurturing person.

00:11:21.180 So whatever he needs,

00:11:22.020 if he needs help within his work,

00:11:23.300 you know,

00:11:23.940 I'll always try.

00:11:24.940 I won't,

00:11:25.380 I won't ever say no or decline anything.

00:11:27.720 I always try.

00:11:28.560 Okay.

00:11:28.840 Could I,

00:11:29.140 could I get more specifics?

00:11:30.440 Cause this is just very broad.

00:11:32.480 Specific in what?

00:11:33.360 Like what,

00:11:33.760 what exactly you would do every day?

00:11:35.700 Like as a wife.

00:11:37.940 And you said like you did the stuff at like wifey things at girlfriend.

00:11:41.700 Oh yeah.

00:11:41.960 What does that mean?

00:11:42.720 I cook,

00:11:43.440 I clean,

00:11:44.140 you know,

00:11:44.480 I'd,

00:11:44.660 I'd wake up,

00:11:45.340 make the bed.

00:11:45.980 If,

00:11:46.400 do you think,

00:11:46.820 do you think a man paying for a date is doing husband things at boyfriend prices?

00:11:51.560 Do I think a man paying for a date?

00:11:53.920 Yeah.

00:11:54.120 A man paying for a date,

00:11:55.240 is that doing husband things at boyfriend prices?

00:11:57.340 Cause a lot of times I think like we say we cooked,

00:11:59.540 we're cleaned and that's,

00:12:00.380 that's wifey things at girlfriend prices,

00:12:03.000 but then they protect and provide.

00:12:05.140 Possibly.

00:12:05.640 Yeah.

00:12:06.520 Okay.

00:12:06.780 So you think a man shouldn't pay unless he marries you?

00:12:10.680 No,

00:12:10.900 I don't think that,

00:12:11.720 but if you know,

00:12:12.660 I'm choosing to cook and clean,

00:12:14.660 you can choose to pay.

00:12:15.780 If you want to pay,

00:12:16.300 if you don't want to pay,

00:12:17.340 I'm not getting onto you about that.

00:12:18.840 Same way.

00:12:19.240 If I don't cook,

00:12:19.720 you're not going to get onto me about that.

00:12:21.440 We're not at that level yet.

00:12:22.680 They might get onto you about it.

00:12:24.320 They might.

00:12:25.520 They have the choice to,

00:12:26.800 but I also have the choice to,

00:12:28.060 you know,

00:12:28.400 but I feel like if you don't display that you can do those things,

00:12:31.200 then you're not going to get to that marriage stage.

00:12:34.880 Just start looking after the kids.

00:12:36.620 Not necessarily,

00:12:37.600 but I just mean like the cooking and the cleaning.

00:12:40.040 That's a slippery slope though.

00:12:41.660 Cause the women then like,

00:12:43.180 they want to show you all they've got in their locker.

00:12:46.020 And then their man's like,

00:12:46.700 Oh,

00:12:46.860 might as well just chill like this.

00:12:48.740 They get used to it.

00:12:49.960 Why is it that when women talk about doing stuff for a man,

00:12:53.800 the first thing they talk about is cooking and cleaning like a man can't do it himself.

00:12:57.380 They never talk about,

00:12:58.440 I want to hear,

00:12:59.040 but the men can cook and clean nowadays.

00:13:01.140 If the man can't cook and clean,

00:13:02.200 you shouldn't be with them.

00:13:03.180 Your husband can cook and clean.

00:13:04.700 He's got cable looking after himself.

00:13:06.760 So they're just talking about doing something that a man can already do for himself.

00:13:11.700 What's the next suggestion?

00:13:13.620 I don't think there's any right or wrong answer for that.

00:13:15.340 I think everyone's marriage is going to be different.

00:13:18.040 I think we're all saying the right things.

00:13:20.900 Personally,

00:13:21.340 that's how I feel.

00:13:22.220 I think just add to each other's life.

00:13:23.940 When you're not getting married,

00:13:24.920 invite me,

00:13:25.400 please.

00:13:25.600 I'd like to see it.

00:13:26.440 That's all I'm saying.

00:13:27.580 Invite me.

00:13:28.440 I can't wait to get married.

00:13:29.860 I can't wait for you to get married.

00:13:31.340 I'd love you.

00:13:31.920 I can't wait for you to get married.

00:13:33.520 I can't wait for your life.

00:13:33.940 What would you suggest adding to the resume?

00:13:37.340 I know there's some things that we've been working on.

00:13:39.280 Like we're making a cookbook.

00:13:41.660 I think they need to borrow their nieces and nephews during the half term.

00:13:47.940 It's half term.

00:13:48.880 If they live on their own,

00:13:50.300 then get a couple of days off.

00:13:52.040 Have them around.

00:13:52.660 Let the parents just leave them there.

00:13:54.280 Then get on with it.

00:13:55.820 Listen,

00:13:56.420 I understand it's not just cooking and cleaning.

00:13:59.380 Like I've,

00:14:00.780 for example,

00:14:01.180 been a nanny before.

00:14:02.360 And give him sex every night as well.

00:14:04.080 Yeah.

00:14:04.460 On top of the cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids and doing the shopping and getting all the delivery done.

00:14:10.220 And sorting out all his paperwork and stuff.

00:14:12.060 Is that what we were missing?

00:14:13.060 Sex?

00:14:14.800 What do you think a man would say?

00:14:17.720 That's what merging your life is.

00:14:19.680 You've decided to merge both your lives together.

00:14:21.960 And then you just work through it.

00:14:25.160 It's not like you have one role and I have one role.

00:14:28.900 We're just,

00:14:29.480 we're doing it.

00:14:30.500 Whatever fits.

00:14:31.640 I do feel,

00:14:32.280 I think in my marriage,

00:14:34.040 I definitely feel like there would be set roles.

00:14:38.980 I was going to say,

00:14:40.540 if the man was at home all day and you've got all them kids in there,

00:14:42.760 you're still going to fit in sex room,

00:14:44.020 do you?

00:14:45.380 Yeah,

00:14:45.700 when they're napping.

00:14:47.440 What if they don't nap?

00:14:49.960 There's ways around it.

00:14:52.520 Don't help her out.

00:14:53.540 I think the kids love like,

00:14:55.940 what is it,

00:14:56.260 Cocoa Melon and whatever.

00:14:57.800 Cocoa Melon.

00:14:58.800 Grace.

00:14:59.420 Grace is cool now.

00:15:00.760 Them walking,

00:15:01.400 Grace is cool now.

00:15:02.680 Them walking,

00:15:03.660 you know,

00:15:04.240 jumper room things,

00:15:05.320 whatever.

00:15:05.840 All the comments are saying that these answers are very vague.

00:15:09.860 I don't even know what they're saying.

00:15:11.100 Well,

00:15:13.980 I'm not going to go into like,

00:15:15.200 you know,

00:15:15.520 as a non-married woman,

00:15:17.980 those people saying I'm being vague.

00:15:20.820 I would wake up,

00:15:22.820 make sure everyone's alive and well.

00:15:25.600 I'd start going about my day.

00:15:27.180 Think about what I'm going to do.

00:15:28.080 If I have children,

00:15:28.840 I'm getting them ready.

00:15:29.700 If my husband's going to work and I'm still looking after the kids at home,

00:15:32.740 he can go off to work.

00:15:33.380 You okay?

00:15:33.800 Have you eaten?

00:15:34.440 Cool.

00:15:35.080 Let me know about your day.

00:15:36.720 Be on about your way.

00:15:38.140 I'll take care of the kids.

00:15:39.060 If we've got any stuff coming up,

00:15:40.480 try to take them for a walk.

00:15:41.880 Hopefully the dishwasher's done by the night before.

00:15:43.960 Empty it out.

00:15:45.240 Go about my business.

00:15:45.820 Think about what I'm going to cook.

00:15:46.800 Look in the fridge.

00:15:47.560 Start preparing that.

00:15:48.720 One's watching TV.

00:15:49.700 One's in their little walker.

00:15:52.640 Go about my day.

00:15:53.800 It's lovely.

00:15:54.700 How's your day as it is now?

00:15:57.040 Don't forget to change your nappies.

00:15:58.700 Living now.

00:15:59.660 All right,

00:15:59.880 then let me see if this matches,

00:16:01.960 right?

00:16:02.400 Go on.

00:16:02.860 You wake up early in the morning.

00:16:04.060 I'm just talking as a grandparent when I've got the grandkids,

00:16:06.380 right?

00:16:07.580 I'll be getting dinner ready the night before.

00:16:09.540 So I wake up about four,

00:16:11.300 half four in the morning.

00:16:12.200 Do me meditation for an hour.

00:16:13.760 Half four in the morning.

00:16:14.400 Not an hour.

00:16:15.220 Oh my gosh.

00:16:15.800 You can stay focused for that long.

00:16:17.920 Exactly.

00:16:18.380 That's your problem.

00:16:19.740 One hour.

00:16:20.780 And I do half past four in the morning.

00:16:23.020 And then I will start getting,

00:16:25.440 the clothes will be sorted from the night before.

00:16:27.480 Dinner ready for the night before.

00:16:28.800 Pearl knows that my dinner's cooked by nine o'clock in the morning.

00:16:30.860 And while the dinner's cooking,

00:16:32.840 the kids are dressed,

00:16:33.880 they're washed,

00:16:34.820 and they're dressed.

00:16:35.960 And then we all have breakfast together.

00:16:38.280 And then I might have to take them out

00:16:39.660 or do some kind of work with them.

00:16:41.120 Might go out in the garden

00:16:41.820 and do bits in the garden.

00:16:43.160 Then it's lunch.

00:16:44.040 Then it's painting.

00:16:44.900 Then it's crafts.

00:16:45.460 And you've got to clear up.

00:16:47.340 And then you've got to think about

00:16:48.760 calming down.

00:16:49.900 Everybody have dinner together.

00:16:50.980 You've still got the washing up.

00:16:51.720 You've still got the washing to do.

00:16:53.040 You've still got the housework to do.

00:16:54.780 And get the kids ready for bed.

00:16:57.520 Sort out dinner for the next day.

00:16:58.880 Spend time with your husband

00:16:59.800 and still got to give him good sex.

00:17:01.980 And still wake up early in the morning.

00:17:03.580 Does that sound like a day?

00:17:05.960 And the extras that you put in?

00:17:07.560 Because I know you're busier than that.

00:17:08.700 I'm just a grandmother.

00:17:09.700 In my head,

00:17:10.540 that's what the day sounds like.

00:17:11.740 I just couldn't get it out

00:17:14.060 because I don't live that life.

00:17:15.260 But that's what I can imagine.

00:17:16.520 No, I know.

00:17:16.860 That's what I'm trying to remember.

00:17:17.900 Because it sounds like,

00:17:18.880 oh, wonderful.

00:17:20.040 But I just want to show you reality.

00:17:22.480 But it's not wonderful.

00:17:23.360 Motherhood tactic.

00:17:24.280 Yeah, I don't think it's wonderful at all.

00:17:25.800 You've got one baby in one hand

00:17:26.860 and you're trying to stir something in the other.

00:17:28.180 I understand that.

00:17:28.840 That's only wonderful.

00:17:29.680 It is wonderful.

00:17:30.360 Like, it's wonderful.

00:17:31.280 But at the same time,

00:17:32.100 I'm not saying it's going to be

00:17:33.220 this easy, smooth ride

00:17:34.940 and I'm just going to be like,

00:17:35.880 oh, wake up in the morning

00:17:36.720 and I'm going to look after my kids.

00:17:38.380 Like, no.

00:17:39.200 Obviously, you are going to go through

00:17:40.720 your own internal struggles

00:17:41.800 and battles and mental as well.

00:17:43.720 But I'm just saying that.

00:17:45.200 Nobody cares about that

00:17:46.020 when you're a wife and a mother.

00:17:47.280 I'm just saying that I don't mind.

00:17:49.340 I want to hear what you...

00:17:50.900 Wait, could we...

00:17:52.100 Oh, yeah, the date.

00:17:52.780 No, I want you to go.

00:17:54.020 Because they've both been married.

00:17:55.340 So they could both...

00:17:56.500 So I want to do the single people first.

00:17:58.580 Okay.

00:17:59.280 What kind of wife do you want to be?

00:18:00.720 Oh.

00:18:01.900 Of the...

00:18:02.520 Sorry, I did that thing

00:18:03.280 where you breathe in the mic.

00:18:04.460 I think of the basis of my

00:18:06.200 previous relationships

00:18:07.520 and from what I've learnt,

00:18:09.680 because I've never been married,

00:18:11.520 I think...

00:18:13.720 I could provide emotional support,

00:18:17.140 moral support.

00:18:20.560 Specific.

00:18:21.480 Specific.

00:18:22.000 So when you say emotional support,

00:18:23.560 I need to know exactly what that is.

00:18:25.280 If you're going to come to me

00:18:26.200 and tell me you have a mental disorder

00:18:28.280 or if, you know...

00:18:30.280 Do you want to keep dating guys

00:18:31.660 with mental disorders?

00:18:32.280 No, but, you know...

00:18:34.060 I don't believe in a perfect person.

00:18:37.380 Okay, okay.

00:18:37.900 We're going to get a sane one.

00:18:38.960 But, yeah.

00:18:40.420 Right?

00:18:40.980 Right?

00:18:41.460 That's what you are, right?

00:18:42.520 Average guy.

00:18:43.080 And I just want someone lovely

00:18:45.120 that doesn't stress me out.

00:18:46.900 And if I have that...

00:18:47.540 You just picked the guy

00:18:48.940 with the mental disorder.

00:18:50.940 I'm not looking.

00:18:52.040 They just find me.

00:18:53.120 Maybe it says something

00:18:54.400 about me anyway.

00:18:56.300 But, okay, right.

00:18:57.660 I would provide a safe space

00:18:58.840 for them to be honest with me

00:18:59.820 about anything

00:19:00.560 so we can have conversations

00:19:02.520 rather than arguments.

00:19:03.480 I think that's important.

00:19:04.600 That's really important.

00:19:05.780 Okay, so how would you do that?

00:19:07.240 What is that?

00:19:07.720 I'm very good

00:19:09.680 at resonating with people.

00:19:10.760 I can call myself out

00:19:11.820 and self-reflect.

00:19:12.580 I have the capacity

00:19:13.240 to do that

00:19:13.740 when I know when I'm wrong.

00:19:14.840 So if he says something to you

00:19:17.000 then you'll say I was wrong?

00:19:18.560 Yeah.

00:19:18.980 Okay.

00:19:19.580 If I was wrong, yeah.

00:19:21.320 Okay.

00:19:21.660 Because no one's going to die

00:19:22.740 saying that.

00:19:23.740 Okay, so you're able

00:19:24.780 to say you were wrong?

00:19:25.960 Yeah.

00:19:26.540 It's just when you're talking

00:19:27.560 it's very vague

00:19:28.220 so I'm just trying to

00:19:28.980 make it more specific.

00:19:30.360 Yeah, I'll give them

00:19:31.220 the safe space

00:19:32.040 to know that we can have

00:19:33.240 those conversations

00:19:33.960 where they can call me out

00:19:35.040 or I can call them out

00:19:36.420 and we can come

00:19:37.600 to a conclusion together.

00:19:38.740 So you'll say to him

00:19:39.680 I'll admit when I'm wrong?

00:19:40.800 Yeah.

00:19:41.240 Okay.

00:19:41.980 So that's the safe space

00:19:43.220 is you'll admit when you're wrong?

00:19:44.420 As long as I have that

00:19:45.180 back in return

00:19:46.000 for me to feel...

00:19:46.900 Yeah, yeah.

00:19:47.960 Okay, but you won't do that

00:19:49.440 unless he says I was wrong too.

00:19:51.180 I will do that

00:19:51.880 but I'd expect it back in return.

00:19:53.380 You'd expect it.

00:19:53.560 I worded that so incorrectly

00:19:54.900 in my back.

00:19:55.860 So that,

00:19:57.440 I'm very, very, very passionate.

00:20:01.380 I'm fun.

00:20:03.080 So I don't think anyone

00:20:04.820 can be bored around me

00:20:05.600 when they know me.

00:20:06.600 What does your day look like?

00:20:07.800 Thank you.

00:20:08.340 As a wife,

00:20:08.960 what would your day look like?

00:20:10.020 You wake up in the morning...

00:20:10.720 This sounds great for a girlfriend.

00:20:12.860 Yeah, fair enough.

00:20:14.460 As a wife.

00:20:15.640 Oh God, I've never...

00:20:16.680 I haven't thought about this

00:20:17.540 for a long time.

00:20:17.880 You're applying for a job, right?

00:20:19.480 It's like if we...

00:20:20.940 If you're applying for a job,

00:20:22.220 you're going to have a resume

00:20:23.020 of these are the skills I've had,

00:20:24.420 this is the experience

00:20:25.380 I have doing that.

00:20:26.380 You might say

00:20:26.860 I nannied for two years,

00:20:28.900 that'd be great,

00:20:29.520 you know, whatever.

00:20:30.620 I have been a nanny actually.

00:20:31.780 Okay.

00:20:32.600 But doesn't it really

00:20:34.240 kind of depend on

00:20:35.540 the person you're with

00:20:36.840 to answer that question correctly?

00:20:39.220 I mean, if I apply,

00:20:40.620 I could apply for a shitty job

00:20:42.140 and a good job,

00:20:42.900 but I'm going to interview the same.

00:20:44.480 Yeah.

00:20:44.820 It's your CV,

00:20:45.560 what you're bringing to the table.

00:20:47.400 Do you want our answers

00:20:48.580 to be like,

00:20:48.920 oh, I'm going to cook

00:20:50.180 home-cooked meals

00:20:51.020 and stuff like that?

00:20:52.080 I mean, it would be nice

00:20:53.140 to know exactly

00:20:53.880 what home-cooked meal,

00:20:55.020 like the more details,

00:20:56.100 the better.

00:20:56.880 So, you know.

00:20:57.220 As in, what would you like?

00:20:58.300 It would predominantly be

00:20:58.980 West Indian food.

00:20:59.760 If I loved someone

00:21:00.380 that much to marry them,

00:21:02.020 I would learn to cook

00:21:03.180 what they want to eat.

00:21:04.620 I would...

00:21:05.100 But my question is,

00:21:05.740 what do you know now?

00:21:06.440 So again,

00:21:06.900 this is like going to a job

00:21:08.460 and saying,

00:21:09.240 hey, I'll learn

00:21:10.360 whatever you want to teach me.

00:21:11.860 And then they're like,

00:21:12.300 okay, what skills

00:21:12.940 and experience do you have?

00:21:14.200 And you're like,

00:21:14.940 well, I'll learn

00:21:15.640 whatever you say.

00:21:17.480 Okay.

00:21:17.840 I'm loyal.

00:21:18.900 I know that.

00:21:19.460 I'm very loyal.

00:21:20.560 I'm very honest.

00:21:21.400 I'm very loyal.

00:21:22.100 And those are my...

00:21:23.160 She asked what your day

00:21:24.240 is looking like.

00:21:25.000 Okay, yeah.

00:21:25.520 All right.

00:21:27.460 I think it's okay

00:21:28.440 to say I don't know as well.

00:21:29.860 I don't know.

00:21:30.480 My life is very...

00:21:31.620 But I'm really not that sure.

00:21:33.060 Yeah.

00:21:33.480 That's an okay answer too.

00:21:34.860 I'm in the arts.

00:21:35.620 Like my life,

00:21:36.120 I'm going to be honest,

00:21:36.840 my life is chaotic.

00:21:37.700 I wouldn't want to marry me.

00:21:39.280 I would not want to marry me.

00:21:40.500 So I haven't actually thought

00:21:41.660 in depth about that question.

00:21:42.700 I don't think I'm a good

00:21:43.540 candidate to answer that.

00:21:44.860 Okay.

00:21:45.660 Do you want to get married there?

00:21:46.660 Yeah.

00:21:48.000 In good time,

00:21:49.060 but not for a long time.

00:21:50.160 Okay, we have a school.

00:21:52.940 Teach me.

00:21:54.520 I'm going to look into that.

00:21:56.120 Season two.

00:21:56.900 Does the school have like husbands?

00:21:59.960 It might.

00:22:00.620 I don't know.

00:22:01.000 We're open.

00:22:01.980 We're still on season one.

00:22:03.340 Bless it.

00:22:04.120 Husband school.

00:22:08.160 Okay.

00:22:08.760 That's good.

00:22:09.440 What about you?

00:22:11.280 Ooh.

00:22:11.640 See, you've had the privilege of love.

00:22:14.360 Yeah.

00:22:14.580 I know.

00:22:14.820 I'm just looking for it.

00:22:16.100 I think with me,

00:22:22.060 I think one word to summarise,

00:22:24.420 I think I'm going to be very transparent

00:22:26.080 as a wife.

00:22:28.260 I would say,

00:22:29.300 well,

00:22:29.600 if you look at like my day-to-day life

00:22:31.260 as of now,

00:22:32.400 like I'm a very busy person.

00:22:33.840 Like I work a nine to five

00:22:35.040 in a very,

00:22:35.640 very stressful industry.

00:22:36.560 So I'm always out of the house,

00:22:38.360 like pretty much five days a week.

00:22:40.500 And if it comes to a thing where like,

00:22:42.280 let's say my husband

00:22:43.340 likes a freshly cooked meal

00:22:45.260 once I get home,

00:22:46.100 I'm going to keep it real.

00:22:46.960 Look,

00:22:47.240 I'm tired.

00:22:47.800 I can't cook for you today.

00:22:49.040 So it probably will be a thing where,

00:22:50.700 it will probably be a thing where like,

00:22:52.940 I like to kind of maybe plan ahead

00:22:55.000 just due to my hectic lifestyle

00:22:57.020 as it is right now.

00:22:57.800 Croc.

00:22:58.140 Are you a crock pot type of girl?

00:23:01.100 Crock pot.

00:23:01.920 No,

00:23:02.400 it means like slow cooker.

00:23:03.760 Yeah.

00:23:04.240 Oh,

00:23:04.720 you guys don't know.

00:23:05.040 I mean,

00:23:05.560 no,

00:23:06.020 it's a slow cooker.

00:23:07.100 I mean,

00:23:07.460 yeah,

00:23:07.820 I think to a degree

00:23:09.060 because I like my food to taste good.

00:23:11.600 So obviously,

00:23:12.220 with that being said,

00:23:12.800 yes,

00:23:13.000 I would say I'm a slow cooker

00:23:13.820 because it involves a lot of TLC.

00:23:16.380 So I need to make sure that.

00:23:17.100 How many meals would you say

00:23:18.060 you cook a week now?

00:23:19.580 Oh God.

00:23:21.100 So like this week,

00:23:22.300 how many meals did you cook?

00:23:23.640 I'd say two.

00:23:24.640 Two.

00:23:24.980 Okay.

00:23:25.320 How many meals did you cook this week,

00:23:26.920 Pearl?

00:23:27.800 At least seven.

00:23:29.820 At least seven.

00:23:30.520 I've been doing better.

00:23:31.760 She's banned me from takeout.

00:23:33.580 Yeah,

00:23:33.900 that's why I asked that.

00:23:36.080 Yeah,

00:23:36.720 so I think,

00:23:38.500 and I think with me as well,

00:23:40.040 I'm the kind of person like,

00:23:42.060 when it comes to my emotions,

00:23:43.900 I'm not afraid to hide it.

00:23:45.540 I'm going to like kind of tell you what's up

00:23:47.880 and not really kind of bottle it up

00:23:50.940 because I just don't think it's healthy

00:23:52.060 to bottle things up.

00:23:53.080 Do you think that's valuable to a guy?

00:23:54.940 A girl that's going to tell him

00:23:56.600 her feelings all the time?

00:23:58.600 Pearl,

00:23:58.840 why are you doing this?

00:23:59.440 I'm just asking the questions.

00:24:02.540 I'm just asking the questions.

00:24:05.020 I think,

00:24:05.720 so you're at this job interview.

00:24:08.020 Yeah.

00:24:08.620 And he's saying,

00:24:09.260 okay,

00:24:09.440 what do you,

00:24:10.500 what's on the resume?

00:24:11.440 And you say,

00:24:11.780 I'm going to tell you my feelings.

00:24:14.080 And that's how they're going to hear it.

00:24:15.160 I'm just letting you know.

00:24:16.980 I mean,

00:24:17.600 they don't care.

00:24:19.200 Yeah.

00:24:19.520 I mean,

00:24:19.700 I think we,

00:24:20.300 they don't care.

00:24:21.180 I think they care to a degree,

00:24:23.080 but I think you need to kind of,

00:24:25.020 once you've got them in the back.

00:24:25.880 I think you need to understand them

00:24:27.800 to the point of how you communicate to them.

00:24:29.780 I think that's just the best way

00:24:31.180 I can approach it.

00:24:32.680 I think,

00:24:33.080 I think with me,

00:24:35.360 like,

00:24:36.400 I think when it comes to emotions,

00:24:37.580 let's be real,

00:24:38.040 like when,

00:24:38.480 when it's raw,

00:24:39.240 sometimes you don't think things straight away.

00:24:40.880 You might just say things

00:24:41.680 and just blah,

00:24:42.400 just impulsive.

00:24:43.240 And then if that,

00:24:44.500 you're trying to express these things to a guy,

00:24:46.560 let's be real.

00:24:47.040 He's probably going to absorb 50%

00:24:48.740 of what you're saying.

00:24:50.400 Not even that.

00:24:51.600 20.

00:24:51.840 I think I need to keep up with the times.

00:24:56.780 That's just an average figure I had in my head,

00:24:58.520 but you know,

00:24:59.000 I'll wait,

00:24:59.220 I'll get back into reality soon.

00:25:01.500 But yeah,

00:25:02.120 I think,

00:25:02.540 I think that's just one way for me

00:25:04.040 to just kind of summarize everything,

00:25:05.520 just being transparent.

00:25:07.120 And I mean,

00:25:07.800 if it's a thing where like kids are involved and stuff,

00:25:10.160 then I don't know.

00:25:12.140 Would you quit your,

00:25:13.120 you seem like you like your job a lot.

00:25:15.360 You seem very career driven.

00:25:17.540 Yeah,

00:25:17.780 I am.

00:25:18.460 Yeah,

00:25:18.720 no,

00:25:18.920 and that's fine.

00:25:19.840 Would you quit that to raise kids?

00:25:22.820 Uh,

00:25:23.620 no.

00:25:24.140 Yeah,

00:25:24.420 no.

00:25:25.040 You can tell.

00:25:25.560 Nah,

00:25:26.020 I don't think I would.

00:25:27.360 I don't think I would.

00:25:27.660 She's going to be a working wife.

00:25:28.900 A working wife.

00:25:29.360 Yeah,

00:25:29.840 definitely.

00:25:30.400 Mama.

00:25:31.200 What's,

00:25:31.620 what,

00:25:32.000 so then who's going to raise the kids?

00:25:34.420 Nursely.

00:25:35.560 Nursely grandparents,

00:25:36.480 that's what they're there for,

00:25:37.200 no?

00:25:37.620 So you want your parents to raise your kids?

00:25:39.900 I mean,

00:25:40.760 oh God.

00:25:41.900 That's what she says,

00:25:43.320 isn't it?

00:25:43.680 Just say,

00:25:44.340 I mean,

00:25:45.200 it's what it is.

00:25:46.140 That's how you do it.

00:25:46.700 I don't want them to raise them,

00:25:48.300 but I want,

00:25:48.900 I know they're going to be heavily involved in my kids.

00:25:50.460 It's either your parents or a stranger.

00:25:52.520 Oh,

00:25:52.680 that's so true.

00:25:53.480 Right.

00:25:53.940 I'm just telling you how men hear it.

00:25:56.280 Yeah,

00:25:56.680 it's true.

00:25:57.560 Oh,

00:25:58.040 it's a hard question.

00:26:00.640 It is a very hard question.

00:26:01.860 Okay,

00:26:02.060 let me just say,

00:26:02.580 I don't know.

00:26:03.180 It's really not a hard question.

00:26:04.160 It is a hard question.

00:26:05.080 When you're a career driven woman,

00:26:06.700 it's a very hard question.

00:26:08.260 It's not a hard question.

00:26:09.040 It's just a yes or no,

00:26:09.880 really.

00:26:10.560 It's like,

00:26:11.080 it's just the answer maybe doesn't reflect in the way that men would want to hear.

00:26:15.340 And also no one's judging you.

00:26:17.720 It just is how you feel.

00:26:19.120 You may even change your mind.

00:26:20.420 But for now,

00:26:21.300 if you feel like,

00:26:22.380 yes,

00:26:22.600 I'm going to utilize nannies,

00:26:25.120 the school system,

00:26:26.540 I'm going to utilize all of what I can afford because I love my career.

00:26:31.340 I liked working.

00:26:32.200 I changed my jobs.

00:26:33.320 I mean,

00:26:33.640 yeah,

00:26:33.780 I think,

00:26:34.240 I think if I'm being honest now,

00:26:36.140 probably strangers.

00:26:37.680 So like nannies and the nurseries and all that stuff,

00:26:40.020 it'll probably be strangers getting involved with raising my kids.

00:26:42.220 But who knows in future,

00:26:43.680 I could probably change my mind.

00:26:45.200 In the future,

00:26:45.840 you might not be able to afford it.

00:26:47.200 Oh my God.

00:26:47.840 You can see where the prices are now.

00:26:49.340 The way the prices are now.

00:26:50.700 Yeah.

00:26:50.900 I had nannies,

00:26:52.180 so it's not.

00:26:53.220 No,

00:26:53.520 in England,

00:26:54.480 what's it?

00:26:54.820 About a thousand pound.

00:26:57.100 A week.

00:26:57.980 Yeah.

00:26:58.940 Listen,

00:26:59.300 I used to be a nanny.

00:27:00.060 It was good money.

00:27:00.800 To put a child.

00:27:01.320 To put a child.

00:27:02.180 I'm sure.

00:27:02.800 I'll be honest,

00:27:03.640 like me growing up,

00:27:04.620 we had all pairs.

00:27:05.860 Is that how you pronounce it?

00:27:06.280 Oh,

00:27:06.400 that's what we had.

00:27:07.040 That's what we had.

00:27:07.720 Actually,

00:27:08.160 we had the same thing.

00:27:09.140 They just,

00:27:09.420 most people don't know that word.

00:27:10.980 So I just.

00:27:11.200 Yeah,

00:27:11.400 yeah.

00:27:11.740 I know.

00:27:12.520 Yeah.

00:27:12.880 Au pairs are different.

00:27:13.820 They're cheap.

00:27:14.440 But they live with you.

00:27:15.660 They're cheap and they live in.

00:27:16.920 Yeah.

00:27:17.500 So.

00:27:17.980 They all eat the same way.

00:27:19.160 Oh my gosh.

00:27:19.860 There's so many stories of like,

00:27:22.520 not,

00:27:23.120 not what,

00:27:23.460 we never had this issue with our au pairs,

00:27:25.380 but au pairs in the area

00:27:28.060 where they would like sleep with the husband.

00:27:30.320 Yeah.

00:27:30.660 It's a perk of the job.

00:27:32.120 I mean,

00:27:32.580 because you're basically putting a wife in your home.

00:27:35.420 No.

00:27:35.820 I mean,

00:27:36.160 she's raising your kid,

00:27:37.280 she's cooking.

00:27:38.260 The risk is there.

00:27:39.000 We never had that,

00:27:40.020 but we did have one au pair that stole my grandmother's jewelry.

00:27:43.800 Oh yeah.

00:27:44.180 We had,

00:27:44.700 we had one that married my cousin.

00:27:47.420 Yeah.

00:27:47.920 And one that married my uncle and one that did cam work.

00:27:50.400 I mean,

00:27:50.520 we had like 20 years of au pairs.

00:27:51.820 Oh my God.

00:27:52.320 We had like 20 years.

00:27:54.060 I have nine siblings.

00:27:55.960 So it was like.

00:27:56.780 Wow.

00:27:57.560 Yeah.

00:27:58.180 That's 10 of you?

00:27:58.860 Yeah.

00:27:59.680 Total.

00:28:00.120 Busy, busy.

00:28:01.060 Are you the only girl?

00:28:02.720 No,

00:28:03.160 no.

00:28:03.640 I get why you're vocal though,

00:28:05.000 because in a big family,

00:28:06.060 you have to be heard.

00:28:06.740 Yeah.

00:28:07.520 I would say everyone in my family is entertaining and funny because it's like

00:28:10.780 either entertaining or funny because otherwise you didn't get any attention.

00:28:14.740 Yeah.

00:28:14.820 You had to be.

00:28:15.580 Yeah.

00:28:15.760 It was a competition.

00:28:17.080 And everyone's like good at like,

00:28:18.500 like very good at something because it was like,

00:28:21.800 how else are you going to get your,

00:28:22.840 you know,

00:28:23.400 you got six kids.

00:28:24.200 Oh my gosh.

00:28:24.860 Everyone's performing every day.

00:28:26.760 Yeah.

00:28:28.600 Okay.

00:28:29.160 Thank you.

00:28:30.580 Okay.

00:28:31.120 Tell me about being a wife.

00:28:32.740 Your day.

00:28:33.480 Yeah.

00:28:33.660 Tell me what your day is like.

00:28:35.120 So I wake up between six and six 30 to do Bible study.

00:28:42.240 And see my husband off to work.

00:28:45.220 And yeah.

00:28:46.320 Do you feed him?

00:28:47.700 Before he goes to work?

00:28:48.520 Yeah.

00:28:48.760 Oh no.

00:28:49.200 He doesn't like eating in the morning.

00:28:50.100 Okay.

00:28:50.500 Yeah.

00:28:50.620 He's not fast.

00:28:51.620 I mean,

00:28:52.260 he might like grab cereal or something,

00:28:54.240 but he's not really fast to be honest.

00:28:55.840 And I don't make him pack lunch.

00:28:57.320 He just,

00:28:58.000 he's not fast.

00:28:58.840 So I used to,

00:28:59.680 but he's not fast.

00:29:01.040 But,

00:29:01.420 um,

00:29:02.400 he,

00:29:03.440 yes,

00:29:03.720 I see my husband off.

00:29:04.740 And as of six weeks ago,

00:29:06.320 my daughter decided she wanted to go secondary school.

00:29:09.180 So now I see her off to secondary school and my husband takes her.

00:29:13.800 And then after I do my Bible study,

00:29:17.060 a child will catch me,

00:29:18.620 go upstairs,

00:29:19.700 brush their teeth,

00:29:21.420 um,

00:29:21.600 get them fed.

00:29:22.820 And then,

00:29:23.700 um,

00:29:24.160 we'll listen to some music.

00:29:25.380 And then after some music,

00:29:27.280 um,

00:29:28.220 and performance time,

00:29:29.440 mommy,

00:29:29.740 watch me.

00:29:30.380 Then we'll get into homeschooling.

00:29:32.480 So I homeschool three of the kids.

00:29:34.740 And then my eldest one goes to,

00:29:36.620 how long does that take you every day for the homeschooling?

00:29:39.180 I'm just curious.

00:29:40.060 Oh,

00:29:40.220 it varies.

00:29:41.300 And on average about four hours,

00:29:44.320 four hours a day on average.

00:29:45.440 Yeah.

00:29:45.660 But then it just depends on the kids.

00:29:47.860 Sometimes they,

00:29:48.760 they're not with it.

00:29:49.640 So,

00:29:49.960 um,

00:29:51.480 yeah.

00:29:52.100 And then it comes to lunchtime,

00:29:54.060 which is around the time where I make lunch,

00:29:57.020 I make dinner,

00:29:57.900 and then I get the kids to tidy up.

00:30:01.220 And then we go out,

00:30:02.700 get their sister from school.

00:30:04.140 Then we come back.

00:30:05.780 Sister does the homework,

00:30:08.160 her homework.

00:30:08.900 Then she tells me her stories.

00:30:10.300 And like,

00:30:10.940 we have a little bit of mom and daughter time.

00:30:14.140 Kids are playing.

00:30:15.180 And then we,

00:30:16.700 um,

00:30:17.160 tidy up again before dad comes home.

00:30:19.100 Depending on what I look like,

00:30:20.700 I'll either like spruce up or if I've got stains on my clothes,

00:30:24.540 I quickly change.

00:30:26.660 Just like I look presentable.

00:30:28.280 So then we usher husband in,

00:30:33.100 then he comes and then the kids do their whole dancing act.

00:30:36.020 Oh,

00:30:36.160 daddy,

00:30:36.400 you watch me.

00:30:36.920 This is what I did today.

00:30:37.960 And I leave them to it.

00:30:39.480 Then he'll join me in the kitchen while I prepare everyone for dinner.

00:30:44.900 And that's when he will ask me is,

00:30:47.380 do you need help with anything?

00:30:48.820 And if I do,

00:30:49.800 I'll give him my list.

00:30:50.600 If I don't,

00:30:51.140 then he'll go back to the front room after our little chat.

00:30:54.200 Then we have dinner.

00:30:55.060 And then,

00:30:56.340 um,

00:30:57.520 the kids before the kids go to bed,

00:30:59.800 we'll like do like a devotional together.

00:31:03.820 Um,

00:31:04.660 everyone prays for each other.

00:31:06.400 Then the kids go up to bed.

00:31:07.900 Then my husband will go up and pray for them.

00:31:09.880 And I sit down.

00:31:11.840 And process.

00:31:14.560 Then my husband comes back down.

00:31:16.180 Then we sit,

00:31:17.220 we chill,

00:31:17.780 we watch a movie,

00:31:18.880 we laugh,

00:31:19.460 whatever.

00:31:20.200 And then if I'm being honest,

00:31:22.960 he'll probably go up to bed first.

00:31:24.380 And then I sit down and process and then force myself to go to bed when my body's exhausted.

00:31:31.200 And then I go to bed and stuff may happen at night.

00:31:35.900 Stuff may not happen at night.

00:31:37.440 Then I do it all over again.

00:31:38.760 And on the weekend,

00:31:39.700 then the step sons come over and then there's football and then there's church and then there's food bank.

00:31:46.560 Something's always happening.

00:31:47.700 Do you have time to go to the club in between?

00:31:49.760 I'm just curious.

00:31:50.880 No,

00:31:51.220 but honestly,

00:31:54.380 when me and my husband want to get to live,

00:31:56.540 like we just pick what the date nights are going to look like.

00:32:00.260 So it's like,

00:32:00.840 it could be like a chilled one or it could be like,

00:32:03.140 oh,

00:32:03.300 let's.

00:32:03.960 Are you saying you don't have time to go to the club on the weekends?

00:32:07.540 I do not have time to go to the club.

00:32:09.820 Oh no.

00:32:10.260 Actually,

00:32:10.940 I do have a mommy's day off.

00:32:12.400 Let me not lie.

00:32:13.100 Every,

00:32:13.360 every day in the week,

00:32:14.860 I do have a day off to myself where I,

00:32:18.080 I run away and that's usually the day that my husband works from home.

00:32:22.240 So then he'll have the kids and he'll work from home and I'm somewhere with a girlfriend or something.

00:32:28.740 But then if that can't work,

00:32:30.500 I will book an evening on a weekend and I will go out with the girls.

00:32:34.880 But yeah.

00:32:36.320 Yeah.

00:32:36.980 That's what it looks like.

00:32:38.260 Do you go carnival?

00:32:39.580 No.

00:32:40.840 I was just checking.

00:32:41.700 I was just checking.

00:32:42.380 Really?

00:32:44.420 I thought traditional women went to carnival.

00:32:47.980 Can I ask you,

00:32:48.920 where'd you,

00:32:49.220 where'd you go back on your culture?

00:32:50.840 Where'd you come from?

00:32:51.600 Ghana.

00:32:52.220 Okay.

00:32:52.760 We're all from Ghana.

00:32:54.500 And what meals can you cook?

00:32:57.360 English meals,

00:32:58.420 African meals,

00:32:59.660 West Indian meals,

00:33:01.100 Indian meals.

00:33:03.220 Yeah.

00:33:03.800 Yeah.

00:33:04.120 Any,

00:33:04.420 well,

00:33:04.600 to be honest,

00:33:05.180 what,

00:33:05.520 if I fancy it,

00:33:06.680 I'll learn it.

00:33:07.620 I'll learn to cook it.

00:33:09.180 So I,

00:33:10.980 technically,

00:33:11.620 I can cook anything.

00:33:12.880 Yeah.

00:33:13.260 It's like,

00:33:14.000 well,

00:33:14.200 I don't want to make it.

00:33:16.180 But like in my locker,

00:33:18.140 I can cook a variety of meals.

00:33:20.740 And what,

00:33:21.180 what lifestyle changes did you have to make from being single to being married?

00:33:25.160 So they were,

00:33:26.300 in the beginning,

00:33:26.920 there was two incomes.

00:33:29.260 And I said to my husband,

00:33:30.580 I,

00:33:30.840 well,

00:33:31.000 I was pregnant at the time.

00:33:32.000 I was like,

00:33:32.300 to my husband,

00:33:32.700 so what's going to happen with the baby?

00:33:34.040 Cause I don't,

00:33:35.220 I didn't want to do the nursery thing.

00:33:36.720 Like,

00:33:37.120 cause they can't speak.

00:33:37.960 I don't know what's happening.

00:33:38.740 Um,

00:33:40.060 and he was like,

00:33:41.100 well,

00:33:41.760 I'm not going to stop working.

00:33:43.200 I said,

00:33:43.500 okay,

00:33:43.680 well,

00:33:43.800 you can go part time and I can go part time.

00:33:45.620 He was like,

00:33:45.940 no.

00:33:47.020 So I didn't go back to work because I want to be with my kids and he wouldn't yield.

00:33:53.280 So I didn't have a choice.

00:33:55.380 What does it mean he wouldn't yield?

00:33:56.500 He wouldn't go,

00:33:57.300 he wouldn't go part time.

00:33:58.520 You really expected him to say yes.

00:34:00.220 A little,

00:34:00.900 to be honest,

00:34:01.860 when I first came into being a wife,

00:34:04.240 it was a big shock to the system because the things in my head was not what it was in reality.

00:34:09.540 Obviously,

00:34:10.080 I don't know a man.

00:34:11.200 I don't,

00:34:11.540 I know what I'd like a man to be like.

00:34:13.740 So I asked him with,

00:34:15.280 I came boldly.

00:34:16.500 That's like,

00:34:16.840 it mescalated in a minute.

00:34:18.040 You go,

00:34:18.420 you work part time,

00:34:19.400 I work part time,

00:34:20.040 on the same level.

00:34:20.980 He's like,

00:34:21.180 no.

00:34:21.480 In my head,

00:34:22.180 it's like,

00:34:22.440 yes,

00:34:22.720 yes,

00:34:23.060 we are on the same yield.

00:34:24.940 And he was unyielding.

00:34:26.160 And then I was with a dilemma.

00:34:28.000 Oh,

00:34:28.100 I love him too.

00:34:28.660 I either go and carry on working and park my kids,

00:34:32.040 or I stay at home with my kids and stay at home with my kids.

00:34:36.000 And what changes you have to do from the two wages,

00:34:40.160 two incomes to one?

00:34:42.860 So full transparency,

00:34:44.200 and I hope my husband wouldn't mind,

00:34:45.840 but he makes the money and he hands it all over to me.

00:34:49.940 So I know what I'm working with and what I want and what I don't want.

00:34:56.880 And I just,

00:34:58.040 I work with what I have.

00:35:00.960 Do you understand?

00:35:01.180 She's quoting me,

00:35:02.860 isn't she?

00:35:03.560 You know,

00:35:03.820 women work with what their husband brings in.

00:35:05.600 That's basically my goal,

00:35:06.780 isn't it?

00:35:07.100 But,

00:35:07.520 but like,

00:35:08.180 but praise God,

00:35:08.920 my husband's like that because I don't think I would be like calm if I couldn't see money.

00:35:15.060 But like I,

00:35:16.340 on his payday,

00:35:17.420 it's my payday because the work drops in his account.

00:35:21.080 And by midnight,

00:35:22.980 I'll see my bank account fluctuate.

00:35:25.420 You mean you don't have to beg him or ask him for money?

00:35:28.500 No,

00:35:28.780 because I,

00:35:29.480 I,

00:35:29.880 I,

00:35:30.100 I,

00:35:31.180 I divvy up the money.

00:35:32.440 So he'll keep what he needs for him.

00:35:34.940 I was just saying that because somebody said that in traditional women,

00:35:37.720 when they don't work in the house,

00:35:38.800 worth it,

00:35:39.140 it means that they're slaves and they have to beg the husband for money.

00:35:41.780 No.

00:35:42.360 Yeah.

00:35:42.600 Is it,

00:35:42.940 is it horrible?

00:35:43.940 Yeah.

00:35:44.200 That's what they said.

00:35:44.860 It's horrible.

00:35:45.360 Yeah.

00:35:45.860 No,

00:35:46.360 because I have all the money.

00:35:48.360 So if I,

00:35:48.900 and my husband trusts me.

00:35:50.120 So if I,

00:35:50.620 if I want to spend the money on a shopping spree,

00:35:53.020 he knows that everything else is covered.

00:35:55.120 How did you,

00:35:55.800 how did you know you wouldn't just be destitute?

00:35:59.040 You know,

00:35:59.460 I didn't,

00:36:01.660 but I hoped for that.

00:36:05.000 He could just leave you destitute high and dry.

00:36:07.420 I mean,

00:36:07.840 to be honest,

00:36:08.360 he still could.

00:36:08.900 And my mom has said to me,

00:36:09.920 you know,

00:36:10.240 I'll have a private pot there that he doesn't know about.

00:36:12.520 Just in case.

00:36:13.360 They will say that innit.

00:36:13.960 Yeah.

00:36:14.460 All the aunties and moms will say that just in case he leaves you high and

00:36:18.140 dry kind of thing.

00:36:19.420 But like,

00:36:20.260 you ain't getting nowhere.

00:36:21.760 You ain't getting nowhere.

00:36:22.660 If he wasn't,

00:36:23.180 I'm coming after him.

00:36:24.100 I mean,

00:36:24.440 I just,

00:36:24.940 I don't like you,

00:36:26.560 like you said about,

00:36:27.820 um,

00:36:28.840 not holding onto negative thoughts and stuff like that.

00:36:31.740 I mean,

00:36:32.500 what is the point?

00:36:33.260 I'm living life for today.

00:36:34.660 So I'm just going to live.

00:36:35.740 Do you know what I mean?

00:36:36.520 Do you feel like your marriage could have still worked if you weren't able,

00:36:39.580 willing to give up control?

00:36:41.560 No,

00:36:41.920 because they,

00:36:42.460 and so this is what I'm saying.

00:36:43.600 When I got into my marriage,

00:36:45.940 I was very controlling,

00:36:47.440 more controlling than I ever could understand.

00:36:50.400 And I started to change because he started to change because he told me I,

00:36:58.300 I'm suffocating him.

00:37:00.400 That's what he said to me.

00:37:01.240 And it made me feel sad.

00:37:02.920 So like I had to work it out.

00:37:04.720 But my excuse was my big crutch was,

00:37:07.600 well,

00:37:07.780 I've been a single mom.

00:37:08.720 So I had to control everything and I didn't have a man.

00:37:11.540 I'm working out,

00:37:12.460 but actually I was unyielding.

00:37:14.920 Like I did not want to,

00:37:18.100 like,

00:37:19.800 I was not nice,

00:37:20.740 man.

00:37:21.040 Did you have couple counseling?

00:37:22.400 No,

00:37:22.660 we didn't.

00:37:23.160 He didn't want to go.

00:37:25.280 He just worked 10 months.

00:37:26.220 How long did it take you to have that switch?

00:37:29.100 Would you say?

00:37:31.520 She's still switching.

00:37:32.600 No,

00:37:32.780 not really.

00:37:33.480 I'm still working.

00:37:34.400 Honestly,

00:37:34.840 I'm still working out,

00:37:35.640 but I think I'm just not defensive anymore.

00:37:37.560 So he could say like,

00:37:39.060 babe,

00:37:39.480 like kind of thing.

00:37:40.860 And I'll be like,

00:37:41.300 oh,

00:37:41.520 okay,

00:37:41.800 sorry.

00:37:42.180 But at the same time,

00:37:43.400 like he had some passive tendencies as well.

00:37:45.920 And I'll be like,

00:37:46.420 babe,

00:37:46.760 like make a decision.

00:37:47.860 And he'll be like,

00:37:48.680 listen,

00:37:49.480 I got it.

00:37:50.160 I'll get back to you.

00:37:51.100 Whereas before it would be like,

00:37:52.220 well,

00:37:52.320 I don't know.

00:37:52.900 I don't know.

00:37:53.500 I don't know.

00:37:54.040 So like,

00:37:54.640 we're still working out.

00:37:56.540 But as the years go on,

00:37:58.420 like I say,

00:37:59.260 like,

00:37:59.600 this is our eighth year into marriage.

00:38:01.760 Sounds like you're going like that,

00:38:03.140 that you used to were like that.

00:38:04.680 That was you.

00:38:05.440 Yeah.

00:38:05.600 That was him.

00:38:06.240 Yeah.

00:38:06.720 I was somewhere.

00:38:07.640 Yeah.

00:38:09.100 I was somewhere,

00:38:10.020 but we're making,

00:38:11.280 we've made it to middle ground.

00:38:12.720 And now we're just like maintaining it.

00:38:14.920 Like sometimes I go left.

00:38:17.160 Sometimes he goes left,

00:38:18.220 but we know where our middle ground is.

00:38:20.300 And like,

00:38:21.160 we maintain it.

00:38:22.120 It's,

00:38:22.600 it's an ongoing thing.

00:38:24.160 It's a journey.

00:38:25.520 It's not his destination.

00:38:26.700 Marriage is hard work though.

00:38:27.840 You need to work at it.

00:38:29.420 That's what it is.

00:38:30.100 Yeah.

00:38:30.500 And like commit.

00:38:32.640 So there's times when my husband has not been working.

00:38:34.880 And there's times like when things have been hard.

00:38:38.200 There's times when I have not been touched by him.

00:38:42.000 Like there's,

00:38:43.060 we've had everything that you can think of.

00:38:45.620 And then obviously,

00:38:46.180 cause we're a blended family,

00:38:47.460 you've got that,

00:38:48.920 them difficulties to iron through.

00:38:50.720 But like,

00:38:51.720 when I say that we're committed,

00:38:54.260 like we are committed.

00:38:55.900 So I'm angry with you.

00:38:57.380 I do not want to talk to you right now,

00:38:58.760 but I'm not going anywhere.

00:39:00.240 Yeah.

00:39:00.840 Have you got a big vehicle or you've got two vehicles?

00:39:03.080 I've got a seven CR.

00:39:04.280 Okay.

00:39:04.760 Yeah.

00:39:04.900 I would like to.

00:39:05.560 Where is she putting all these kids?

00:39:06.260 In the end,

00:39:07.120 I would like,

00:39:07.860 might like another vehicle,

00:39:09.640 but yeah.

00:39:10.700 Okay.

00:39:11.220 We grew up with like a 16 passenger van.

00:39:13.860 And it was like,

00:39:14.400 yeah,

00:39:14.520 it was like one of those big.

00:39:15.560 If I get pregnant again,

00:39:16.760 I'll need a van for sure.

00:39:18.060 Yeah.

00:39:18.480 We have to let go of the cars.

00:39:20.040 Yeah.

00:39:20.300 Yeah.

00:39:20.620 You guys don't really have them,

00:39:22.260 as big of cars here.

00:39:23.520 No,

00:39:23.860 I think it goes,

00:39:24.760 it like the car vannies go up to like nine seaters.

00:39:28.400 Yeah.

00:39:28.800 Until you have to like.

00:39:30.200 Minibus.

00:39:31.040 Yeah.

00:39:31.400 Minibus.

00:39:34.340 What about you?

00:39:35.380 What,

00:39:35.660 what kind of wife were you and what type of wife would you like to be?

00:39:40.220 Um,

00:39:40.660 so I was a confused wife,

00:39:46.680 um,

00:39:47.940 a masculine wife,

00:39:49.240 uh,

00:39:49.740 a wife who,

00:39:50.820 and so for context,

00:39:53.940 I'm the eldest.

00:39:54.840 Sorry.

00:39:55.240 I just,

00:39:55.720 I just want to say something before.

00:40:00.340 I want to hear you about your day to day.

00:40:02.540 Cause I know that you're going to be struggling with what you're going to say

00:40:04.760 about your husband.

00:40:05.480 That's why I can see you're picking and choosing.

00:40:07.800 So I just wanted to let you flow with what your day to day life was like

00:40:11.860 then and what your day and what you'd like it to be like.

00:40:14.780 Cause I know that you've done that respect thing.

00:40:17.600 So I'd rather that you just stick rather than put yourself in it.

00:40:20.080 I'd rather you just say like,

00:40:22.240 what did you do?

00:40:22.920 Like get up in the morning?

00:40:23.660 Cause you said you were doing everything.

00:40:24.980 So just tell us your day to day as,

00:40:27.560 as you were.

00:40:28.360 Yeah.

00:40:28.740 So pre baby,

00:40:30.900 I mean,

00:40:31.280 I think we had,

00:40:32.060 uh,

00:40:33.360 six months of marriage before I got pregnant.

00:40:36.920 And then obviously nine months.

00:40:38.580 So,

00:40:39.120 you know,

00:40:39.280 just over a year of just us.

00:40:41.820 And it was okay.

00:40:43.920 Does your wake up in the morning?

00:40:45.200 No,

00:40:45.340 before do you wake up in the morning?

00:40:46.580 I mean,

00:40:46.640 I've always worked.

00:40:47.420 So ever since I turned 16,

00:40:48.980 you get your NI number.

00:40:50.460 I've always worked and I've studied.

00:40:52.740 And then I went into my career.

00:40:55.060 So it was always a wake up at 6am,

00:40:59.500 um,

00:41:00.180 workout,

00:41:01.760 um,

00:41:02.440 shower,

00:41:03.420 go to work,

00:41:04.520 come back.

00:41:05.480 And you know,

00:41:06.320 the usual single life,

00:41:07.440 you put your feet up,

00:41:08.240 you eat,

00:41:09.340 and then do it all again tomorrow.

00:41:10.480 When you got married before you had the baby.

00:41:12.780 Yeah.

00:41:13.060 What did you do then?

00:41:13.920 Same because we were working different.

00:41:16.380 Uh,

00:41:16.500 so he was doing shift work.

00:41:17.500 I see you both.

00:41:18.320 Yeah.

00:41:18.560 So he was doing shift work and I was the corporate nine to five.

00:41:22.200 So there's days where I'm going to work in the morning and he's not there,

00:41:25.640 or I'll come home and he's not there.

00:41:28.380 Um,

00:41:28.860 he was cooking.

00:41:29.900 He was cooking still.

00:41:30.660 Me.

00:41:30.980 Yeah.

00:41:31.760 I was cooking.

00:41:32.460 But that's what I mean.

00:41:33.080 You didn't say anything.

00:41:33.780 You just made it sound as I got off and I done my stuff and I went to work and I come home.

00:41:37.520 And I was thinking at what time did you wake up and start cooking for your husband?

00:41:41.580 Cause it just sounds like separate lives.

00:41:44.180 I would come home from work and on the weekends I would meal prep.

00:41:48.040 So,

00:41:48.180 you know,

00:41:48.740 us Somalis,

00:41:49.360 we like to have like our,

00:41:50.620 you know,

00:41:51.060 um,

00:41:51.600 our big lambs and chickens and stuff.

00:41:53.520 So I'd cook that on the weekend,

00:41:55.100 freeze it in like little pouches.

00:41:57.580 So I know Monday,

00:41:58.580 Tuesday,

00:41:58.920 Wednesday,

00:41:59.220 Thursday,

00:41:59.460 Friday,

00:41:59.800 this is what we're having.

00:42:01.460 Um,

00:42:02.280 and so then all I've got to do is the rice and the pasta or whatever it is.

00:42:06.340 Um,

00:42:06.660 and he would always come home and there's always food.

00:42:09.580 Like even if I'll go to sleep and he's finished at 11 or whatever,

00:42:13.340 I've got his plate,

00:42:14.820 everything done,

00:42:16.060 microwave,

00:42:17.500 his cup,

00:42:18.540 drink next to it,

00:42:19.360 everything just set up for him.

00:42:20.440 So when he comes in,

00:42:21.200 he can just eat,

00:42:22.040 shower and come to bed.

00:42:23.660 Um,

00:42:24.060 there were days where we would spend time together.

00:42:26.660 So we'd end up coming home at the same time.

00:42:28.840 And I,

00:42:29.240 we would both make it our duty to spend time together then and,

00:42:34.340 you know,

00:42:34.820 cook together,

00:42:35.860 sit down and eat because you know,

00:42:37.680 we're still in our honeymoon period,

00:42:39.200 you know,

00:42:39.380 we're still getting,

00:42:40.300 we're,

00:42:40.460 we're happy anyway,

00:42:41.960 baby comes,

00:42:43.020 um,

00:42:44.360 not long after COVID came.

00:42:46.520 So I still kept up with those duties.

00:42:48.060 And I essentially was,

00:42:48.900 I stay at home mum for a year for maternity leave.

00:42:52.860 So what that would look like is,

00:42:54.800 um,

00:42:55.500 whenever he's getting up to go to work,

00:42:57.200 I would make sure I have food ready for him.

00:43:00.100 So his breakfast is ready.

00:43:02.180 Um,

00:43:02.880 at the time,

00:43:03.560 you know,

00:43:03.720 I've got a three month old,

00:43:05.520 six month old,

00:43:06.540 however old she was at the time,

00:43:08.700 but I'd always make sure that he left with his stomach full.

00:43:12.800 I would come home and his stomach is full.

00:43:15.700 Um,

00:43:18.620 we'd spend time together as a family when he comes home from work and then do it all again tomorrow.

00:43:24.420 So,

00:43:24.620 and I really enjoyed that part and I actually got to be,

00:43:27.160 you know,

00:43:27.780 more feminine.

00:43:28.580 I wasn't as stressed.

00:43:30.080 Um,

00:43:30.920 you know,

00:43:31.140 because when you come home from work,

00:43:32.280 you don't want to be.

00:43:33.180 Was that in the year that you enjoyed another COVID year?

00:43:36.340 Did you enjoy?

00:43:37.180 Cause you obviously didn't go out.

00:43:38.960 You didn't go out to work during COVID.

00:43:40.400 No,

00:43:40.820 no,

00:43:40.920 this was pre COVID.

00:43:41.960 So 2019.

00:43:42.960 So I had her in December,

00:43:44.460 2018.

00:43:45.440 So from December,

00:43:46.540 2018 to December,

00:43:47.840 2019,

00:43:48.560 just before COVID.

00:43:49.780 Oh,

00:43:49.820 right.

00:43:50.160 I was a stay at home mom and I loved it.

00:43:52.120 You know,

00:43:52.880 um,

00:43:53.240 everything was covered.

00:43:55.060 It,

00:43:55.540 you know,

00:43:56.200 it was the ideal life for me.

00:43:57.740 You know,

00:43:58.060 I would make sure that his clothes are clean.

00:44:00.800 I'm ironing his clothes for him.

00:44:02.300 Like I'm trying to keep him as the man.

00:44:05.820 And like when he comes home from work,

00:44:07.580 he's kind of,

00:44:08.660 you know,

00:44:09.040 if I see that he's stressed out,

00:44:11.320 I want to give him some of that,

00:44:13.420 some of my feminine energy because I had a lot to give at the time.

00:44:16.940 Um,

00:44:17.720 and try and make his day a little bit better as much as I could.

00:44:20.900 Um,

00:44:21.200 actually,

00:44:21.620 how you done that?

00:44:22.420 Now I'm just asking,

00:44:23.360 cause sometimes men just want to come home,

00:44:24.900 just be left alone when they're feeling miserable.

00:44:26.540 That's it.

00:44:26.880 That's it.

00:44:27.220 Women tend to go.

00:44:29.360 Try and like jump.

00:44:30.240 And men don't want that.

00:44:31.020 So I would gauge that.

00:44:32.340 Like I'd see that if he wanted cuddles or,

00:44:35.560 you know,

00:44:35.680 obviously I'll see him sitting on the sofa.

00:44:37.480 I'd go and sit on the sofa next to him.

00:44:39.440 And if he wants a cuddle,

00:44:41.160 like he,

00:44:41.840 that's what,

00:44:42.680 that's what the leading part of the men that we don't really talk about.

00:44:45.740 So he'd come over to me and lean over to me.

00:44:48.400 And I know that's my cue.

00:44:49.720 You know,

00:44:49.960 I'd,

00:44:50.160 I'd go over to him.

00:44:50.920 If he sits still and he doesn't want me to,

00:44:53.860 I know he's had a really bad time at work and me trying to cuddle up on him and all that.

00:44:58.440 He just like men are built differently from us.

00:45:00.240 They don't want that.

00:45:01.500 So I,

00:45:02.440 I would just leave him to it.

00:45:04.080 You know,

00:45:04.460 I'd let him have his freedom and let him have his space.

00:45:07.080 Do,

00:45:07.340 do what you've got to do.

00:45:08.940 Um,

00:45:09.180 Would you have given up work to stay at home and be a housewife?

00:45:12.740 If my bills and everything was paid?

00:45:14.540 Yeah.

00:45:15.020 Happily.

00:45:15.400 Cause I really liked it.

00:45:16.740 I really did.

00:45:17.740 You know,

00:45:17.880 I spent time with my baby.

00:45:19.660 I got to see her first steps.

00:45:21.320 I got to hear her first.

00:45:22.500 If I was at work and like,

00:45:23.780 you know,

00:45:24.040 in America,

00:45:24.720 I think you guys go back to work a lot sooner than that.

00:45:27.140 I would have missed all of that.

00:45:28.800 And you don't know what's happening with your child.

00:45:30.620 Like you said,

00:45:31.140 you know,

00:45:31.740 you want your kid to go to nursery when they can form sentences.

00:45:36.180 I wish I had that because I was really anxious.

00:45:39.560 She was,

00:45:39.940 she was what,

00:45:41.000 uh,

00:45:42.160 well,

00:45:42.440 COVID hit.

00:45:43.220 So she was still at home with me,

00:45:44.620 but I think she was really two years old when she went to nursery.

00:45:47.880 Cause some kids that's old,

00:45:48.960 you know that.

00:45:49.800 I know,

00:45:50.300 but for me,

00:45:51.560 that's young.

00:45:52.220 So,

00:45:52.340 my baby.

00:45:53.440 So,

00:45:53.860 um,

00:45:54.740 would you have gone down in lifestyle in order to attain that?

00:45:59.280 So maybe like move to,

00:46:00.600 I don't know,

00:46:01.080 a house or an apartment,

00:46:02.600 half the size.

00:46:03.300 Yeah,

00:46:03.480 yeah,

00:46:03.620 yeah,

00:46:03.740 yeah,

00:46:03.800 yeah.

00:46:04.280 Because we lived in a really small place.

00:46:06.840 And then when I got pregnant,

00:46:08.040 we moved to a bigger place.

00:46:09.520 So if it meant that I could still stay at home and,

00:46:12.960 you know,

00:46:13.860 would you have stayed in a smaller place?

00:46:15.500 Yeah,

00:46:15.620 yeah,

00:46:15.780 yeah.

00:46:16.040 Okay.

00:46:16.420 No problem at all.

00:46:17.480 I mean,

00:46:17.720 me talking about earlier,

00:46:18.800 you know,

00:46:19.060 having maids and all,

00:46:20.120 that's,

00:46:21.100 for me,

00:46:21.760 that's a dream,

00:46:22.860 you know,

00:46:23.300 and,

00:46:23.980 um,

00:46:24.380 that's what my,

00:46:25.600 my parents have and the kind of life that I came from.

00:46:29.800 But it's not the life that I had with him because I think I was kind of,

00:46:34.200 not only battling with age,

00:46:36.000 but also thinking,

00:46:37.100 you know,

00:46:37.700 you know,

00:46:38.200 Muslim girls,

00:46:38.820 we get married young.

00:46:41.000 And how old were you when you got married?

00:46:42.760 28,

00:46:43.520 29.

00:46:44.420 So that's,

00:46:45.240 you know,

00:46:46.280 that's hard for a man.

00:46:47.460 No,

00:46:47.660 because I mean,

00:46:48.080 like you've been in the career since you were 16.

00:46:50.860 That's like 12 years of doing what you like and working.

00:46:54.380 You know what I mean?

00:46:56.200 And then to come in.

00:46:58.640 Wow.

00:46:59.260 Yeah.

00:46:59.480 So that,

00:46:59.900 you know,

00:47:00.200 there's medals used to,

00:47:01.600 there was,

00:47:02.000 there was a lot that I had to change.

00:47:04.940 And I think that's what,

00:47:06.160 see that just pointing out,

00:47:07.860 I see career woman,

00:47:08.760 you see career woman,

00:47:09.680 career woman,

00:47:10.680 right?

00:47:11.100 Career woman,

00:47:11.580 take notes.

00:47:14.340 What do you,

00:47:15.020 what do you do?

00:47:16.700 Um,

00:47:17.100 I'm an assistant accountant in an investment bank.

00:47:20.140 So,

00:47:20.720 yeah.

00:47:21.480 Okay.

00:47:21.840 And you really like that.

00:47:23.740 Um,

00:47:24.940 it's,

00:47:25.260 it's really hectic,

00:47:26.300 but it's good money.

00:47:27.580 Let me just put it that way.

00:47:29.000 You don't even seem to like it that much.

00:47:31.220 I mean,

00:47:31.720 I said to her,

00:47:32.700 I think it's long hours.

00:47:34.160 It's not enjoyable when you work long hours.

00:47:35.760 How many hours a week you work?

00:47:37.500 Uh,

00:47:38.220 definitely,

00:47:38.740 I think about,

00:47:40.700 um,

00:47:41.020 about maybe 45 hours a week.

00:47:43.700 I'd say that's how long I work.

00:47:45.580 Isn't that normal?

00:47:46.520 Yeah.

00:47:47.380 Um,

00:47:47.820 I'd say the normal is like 40.

00:47:49.760 Normal is 40.

00:47:50.660 Yeah.

00:47:51.060 30 or 40 is the normal.

00:47:52.360 Really?

00:47:52.860 Yeah.

00:47:53.400 I worked in sales before.

00:47:55.200 I just thought everyone worked like 40 to 50.

00:47:57.140 I thought it was normal.

00:47:57.860 40 hours is normal.

00:47:58.920 Yeah.

00:47:59.180 40 hours is the average.

00:48:00.680 And then I thought you was like,

00:48:01.580 I was expecting to say like 50,

00:48:02.980 55.

00:48:03.540 So how was that?

00:48:03.980 I mean,

00:48:04.740 it could get to that,

00:48:06.300 but I think right now that's the average that I work for.

00:48:09.040 Oh,

00:48:09.200 okay.

00:48:09.720 So yeah.

00:48:10.860 How long have you been doing that?

00:48:12.380 Um,

00:48:12.900 I only got into it quite recently.

00:48:14.620 So I've been there for about two months now.

00:48:17.020 Um,

00:48:17.380 so it's,

00:48:18.700 it's a completely new industry that I'm in.

00:48:20.680 Cause where I was before,

00:48:21.600 I was like more relaxed where I am now.

00:48:23.860 Cause it's like really intense.

00:48:25.000 Cause it's like the banking industry.

00:48:26.880 You already know that that's what to expect.

00:48:28.700 You're going to be working longer hours.

00:48:30.420 So yeah,

00:48:31.380 I think I'm just still getting used to that lifestyle.

00:48:33.500 That's why I like everything for me right now is just very fast paced.

00:48:36.080 And yeah.

00:48:37.540 So I'm still new to it.

00:48:38.780 Still easing into that lifestyle,

00:48:40.660 but it's,

00:48:41.440 it's a good experience to have,

00:48:42.580 especially at the age that I'm at right now,

00:48:44.880 cause I'm 24.

00:48:46.400 So I think,

00:48:47.260 yeah,

00:48:47.540 it's,

00:48:47.840 it's good for me to.

00:48:48.880 But it's like,

00:48:49.300 you might have a completely different outlook in five years.

00:48:52.020 Exactly.

00:48:52.540 You're tired.

00:48:52.900 It's been two months.

00:48:54.100 Pardon?

00:48:54.540 You said it's a lot and it's been two months.

00:48:56.400 Maybe the adjustment's been a lot.

00:48:58.920 I mean,

00:48:59.380 yeah.

00:49:00.360 Which is,

00:49:01.220 it's fine.

00:49:01.940 Yeah.

00:49:02.340 Yeah.

00:49:02.640 I think cause I'm new to everything.

00:49:04.600 That's why it's a lot.

00:49:05.440 But I think over a period of time,

00:49:06.600 definitely like take less effort.

00:49:07.820 It kind of reminds me of my first sales job.

00:49:10.120 And it was like very intense,

00:49:11.700 you know?

00:49:12.380 And at first it was like exciting.

00:49:13.980 I was like,

00:49:14.280 I was at this corporate company.

00:49:15.420 It's so fun.

00:49:16.360 And then it was like two years later,

00:49:17.860 I hated it.

00:49:19.020 I hated it.

00:49:19.580 I wanted to leave so bad.

00:49:23.720 God,

00:49:24.160 just ask a question to the married ladies.

00:49:26.400 Do you think it would have been easier for you to,

00:49:30.340 both of you,

00:49:31.120 if you had not had your professional life

00:49:35.120 and you'd settled down earlier?

00:49:36.980 100%.

00:49:37.420 Yeah.

00:49:38.360 I was just saying it to my sister the other day.

00:49:40.360 I wish I got married at around 18,

00:49:43.080 19,

00:49:43.300 20.

00:49:44.460 By now my child would have been teenager.

00:49:47.900 You know,

00:49:48.320 it,

00:49:48.560 it just would have been a lot easier.

00:49:50.120 I'm,

00:49:50.340 I've got a,

00:49:52.080 you know,

00:49:52.520 a child that's just out of the toddler phase

00:49:54.500 and I'm knackered.

00:49:55.820 Because I find that nowadays,

00:49:58.520 what they're telling the women is like,

00:50:00.400 yeah,

00:50:00.780 work,

00:50:01.220 get your career,

00:50:01.920 get your money.

00:50:02.980 And then later when you can have a child

00:50:04.500 and then when I come along and say,

00:50:06.220 but who wants to have a child that late?

00:50:08.040 You know what I mean?

00:50:08.600 Like,

00:50:08.780 why would you want to do that?

00:50:09.900 Why not encourage the youth to settle down earlier?

00:50:13.440 But now it just seems like,

00:50:15.580 it's like all backwards now.

00:50:17.020 It's a lifestyle that I wouldn't have felt like I was letting go of.

00:50:21.100 Because I just grew up and then I got married,

00:50:24.340 of which I wanted to.

00:50:25.980 And that is where life began.

00:50:28.200 Whereas before it's like,

00:50:29.380 I'm living this one lifestyle and it's about to like switch to a completely different one.

00:50:34.160 So sometimes like you're,

00:50:35.680 you're living a bit double,

00:50:36.760 not double minded,

00:50:37.760 but like your mind is where it was.

00:50:40.700 And sometimes you're trying to merge the two.

00:50:42.700 Or sometimes like you're kind of grieving what it used to be.

00:50:46.780 You can't really be present.

00:50:48.640 It's just,

00:50:49.060 yeah,

00:50:49.320 it's just a lot of feelings and memories.

00:50:54.060 Because I mean,

00:50:54.640 I've never heard of a Muslim woman working so many years.

00:51:00.680 You know,

00:51:00.900 I mean,

00:51:01.140 well done to you because you studied and you worked in that.

00:51:03.460 Yeah,

00:51:03.560 yeah,

00:51:03.720 yeah.

00:51:03.920 But that's unusual for me and the people that the Muslims,

00:51:07.320 I know that is really unusual.

00:51:08.580 Yeah.

00:51:09.300 So,

00:51:09.780 I know a couple.

00:51:12.700 Yeah.

00:51:13.740 I've always been headstrong.

00:51:15.460 Like I'm the eldest and there's six of us.

00:51:18.240 So I've always wanted to kind of set an example for my siblings and not only,

00:51:22.640 you know,

00:51:23.220 integrate into the Western world,

00:51:24.820 but also I had this independent woman mindset.

00:51:30.280 I want to make my own money.

00:51:31.800 Yeah.

00:51:32.040 I want to do my own thing.

00:51:33.860 And I wasn't paying attention to reality.

00:51:37.800 And reality for me,

00:51:39.280 and I'm not,

00:51:40.100 you know,

00:51:40.860 whoever has,

00:51:42.120 you know,

00:51:42.380 their opinions,

00:51:42.980 that's up to them.

00:51:43.520 But for me,

00:51:44.620 reality is a family consists of a man and a woman and the man is the head of the family.

00:51:51.880 He gets the last word.

00:51:54.640 And me,

00:51:55.620 I'm there to nurture.

00:51:56.840 I'm there to mother.

00:51:58.740 I'm there to,

00:52:00.140 you know,

00:52:01.140 just make everyone feel better and just do what needs to be done.

00:52:03.960 Just understand.

00:52:04.780 I need to click with him.

00:52:06.340 You know,

00:52:06.660 we both need to,

00:52:07.720 I need to know that and trust that he can take care of the hard stuff.

00:52:14.360 So would you think that it would have been easier for you and your husband if you'd met him when you was like,

00:52:19.920 say 17,

00:52:21.080 before you had all the career?

00:52:22.580 No,

00:52:22.780 I would have got married to an older man with the mindset that I've got now.

00:52:26.260 I would have got married to an older man who's already established and who is looking for a younger wife.

00:52:31.260 And a lot of men,

00:52:32.220 that's what they want.

00:52:33.500 Because the younger you are,

00:52:35.340 your fertility,

00:52:36.140 like you can have more kids,

00:52:37.760 you know,

00:52:38.240 and you're more fertile,

00:52:40.560 sorry,

00:52:40.740 not have more kids.

00:52:42.240 So I would have looked for an older man that can take care of me.

00:52:45.220 Would you marry a guy that's 55 now?

00:52:48.800 I don't know.

00:52:50.100 I don't know.

00:52:50.740 Because 50 some,

00:52:51.480 I mean,

00:52:51.940 I'm 35,

00:52:52.520 so that's only 20 years,

00:52:53.820 right?

00:52:54.540 But 50 year olds nowadays,

00:52:57.620 they just,

00:52:58.140 I don't know,

00:52:58.500 like we've got two completely different mindsets.

00:53:01.480 So you're very older than that?

00:53:03.420 Yeah,

00:53:03.640 yeah,

00:53:03.780 yeah.

00:53:04.100 No,

00:53:04.440 no,

00:53:04.800 no,

00:53:05.340 no,

00:53:06.320 no.

00:53:06.680 No,

00:53:06.960 it's just,

00:53:07.700 it's interesting because you said you would have married older,

00:53:10.320 but now,

00:53:11.340 because I'm thinking at 35,

00:53:13.160 like a 45 year old guy can go down to like 25,

00:53:16.220 but a 55 year old guy,

00:53:17.760 like 35 is young to him.

00:53:19.680 So I'm saying like,

00:53:20.200 you know,

00:53:20.760 that's the equivalent now.

00:53:22.920 So I'm in a different place in my life now,

00:53:25.300 but had I have been 18 or 19,

00:53:29.160 a 30 something year old wouldn't have been as scary.

00:53:33.580 Right,

00:53:33.840 right,

00:53:34.040 okay.

00:53:34.920 Yeah.

00:53:35.540 Can I ask,

00:53:36.140 sorry,

00:53:36.540 something you said before,

00:53:37.580 I'm just intrigued about it.

00:53:39.920 Why do you think the man should always have the last word?

00:53:42.000 What did you mean by that?

00:53:44.620 If he's,

00:53:44.880 if he's a masculine man who has been brought up,

00:53:49.580 right.

00:53:50.440 And he knows what a woman's right is.

00:53:53.960 So in Islam,

00:53:54.500 they teach you about what a woman's right is,

00:53:57.080 how,

00:53:57.460 you know,

00:53:57.800 what God,

00:53:58.340 how God expects you to treat that woman.

00:54:00.220 And if he understands that,

00:54:02.800 then I trust that whatever decision he's making is for my best interest and for our family's best interest.

00:54:09.280 Not to say that I don't know what's good for us,

00:54:11.940 but we're emotional creatures.

00:54:14.440 Sometimes we think illogically and they don't.

00:54:18.320 Have you ever dated a guy that you could control?

00:54:22.160 You're asking me?

00:54:23.180 Yeah.

00:54:25.860 That's a big question.

00:54:27.700 I have.

00:54:28.560 Um.

00:54:29.900 I can see how much you liked him.

00:54:31.460 I know.

00:54:31.860 He's amazing.

00:54:35.880 Yeah.

00:54:37.300 And how did that end?

00:54:39.400 It ended.

00:54:40.560 Did you like it?

00:54:41.280 No,

00:54:41.460 I'm saying,

00:54:41.940 who broke up with you?

00:54:42.660 I didn't.

00:54:43.160 I like to be put in my place.

00:54:44.620 I love that.

00:54:45.400 I love that.

00:54:45.960 That's a very strong will.

00:54:47.140 I love it.

00:54:48.280 Put me in my place.

00:54:49.300 That's her point though.

00:54:50.560 Okay.

00:54:50.920 It's like,

00:54:51.300 you wouldn't even like a guy that wants you to have the last word.

00:54:55.000 No,

00:54:55.160 no,

00:54:55.180 no.

00:54:55.200 I want someone that can challenge me and put me in my place,

00:54:57.600 but also appreciate when I have a good point to convey.

00:55:01.100 No,

00:55:01.280 you can sit down and have a conversation about life.

00:55:04.480 Okay.

00:55:04.820 Fine.

00:55:05.000 We will talk about it and you know,

00:55:06.860 he will take my opinion into consideration,

00:55:09.860 but at the end of the day,

00:55:11.840 he is making that decision for our family.

00:55:13.780 And I know that and I understand that very well.

00:55:16.180 All right.

00:55:16.360 I'm with you.

00:55:16.720 Yeah.

00:55:17.140 Cool.

00:55:18.380 Okay.

JustPearlyThings - July 07, 2023

Panelists Were Asked The Kind of Wife They Would Be

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