JustPearlyThings - October 21, 2023


Pearl Explains Why 50⧸50 Never Works


Episode Stats


Length

9 minutes

Words per minute

207.86537

Word count

1,968

Sentence count

174

Harmful content

Misogyny

5

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1

sentences flagged

Hate speech

8

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we discuss what it means to be a leader in a relationship and why it is so important for a woman to allow her husband to take the lead. We also discuss the importance of challenging each other in order to grow as a couple and how to be the best version of yourself.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Like, I personally feel like men and women, that we are different, but I don't think that I can not empathise with men at all.
00:00:09.480 And I feel like wouldn't, I don't know, the kind of men that I would want to be with, you know, sort of high intelligence, very interesting kind of guys,
00:00:21.200 I would think that they would lose respect for me if I, you know, flatly obeyed without any kind of challenge.
00:00:30.760 You know, for me, I think that a relationship should be, you should be challenging each other to be the best versions of yourself.
00:00:37.180 Absolutely, to grow.
00:00:37.980 And, yeah, and if that, if that means that on, you know, in an appropriate way, on, you know, on appropriate occasions, a wife has to tell her husband,
00:00:48.920 I think you're taking the wrong course of action.
00:00:52.160 I think, you know, you could behave in a way that's more effective.
00:00:56.360 That's cool.
00:00:57.160 And, you know, a good husband would want to hear that if it was appropriate.
00:01:02.060 You're absolutely right.
00:01:02.920 One of the exercises I do with anyone when I first work with them is hash out what they want from someone.
00:01:10.760 You know, of course, the superficial aspects, but the character traits.
00:01:14.960 And one thing that comes up time and time again is this word challenge.
00:01:18.680 That's exactly what you're talking about.
00:01:19.900 It's this pushback.
00:01:21.180 It keeps the respect in the relationship.
00:01:23.580 It lets the other know where the line is and what your boundaries are.
00:01:27.100 And I feel, and back to, like, one of the earliest points we had in this conversation today,
00:01:31.260 we spoke about why people leave.
00:01:34.640 I feel like people leave because they attach so much fear to relaying what's important to them,
00:01:41.260 that they never actually have that conversation.
00:01:43.900 And they just end up getting frustrated.
00:01:46.100 And then they walk.
00:01:47.360 But my point isn't that you can't offer your perspective.
00:01:50.000 My point at the end of the day, it's his decision that's traditional.
00:01:53.620 Like, that's if we're going to go back to, like, I've read the writings of people, like, 100, 200 years ago,
00:01:58.400 when they describe, like, real traditional relationships, they don't really exist anymore.
00:02:02.520 And the whole point is, like, if you want to be in an actual traditional relationship,
00:02:06.760 you're supposed to obey your husband.
00:02:09.160 Like, at the end of the day, it's his decision.
00:02:10.860 It's not saying, like, you can't give him any input.
00:02:13.340 Let me ask you a question.
00:02:14.580 Do you feel that if a woman meets a man, she should let him lead? 1.00
00:02:17.900 Like, straight off the gate?
00:02:20.520 Like, when do you think a man should start leading in a relationship?
00:02:23.760 Instantly.
00:02:24.780 Do you think instantly?
00:02:25.880 We go on our first date for a couple of calls.
00:02:28.260 You're measuring it straight away, right?
00:02:30.540 Like, is he making the plan for the date?
00:02:33.140 Or is he a bit indecisive and sort of on the fence?
00:02:36.040 And he's asking.
00:02:37.200 You're losing attraction for him right there and then.
00:02:40.220 So you're measuring from that right from the get-go.
00:02:42.840 Yeah.
00:02:43.800 Okay.
00:02:44.220 I love this now.
00:02:44.940 When you say let him lead, it sounds like you have to allow him to.
00:02:49.920 I mean, you do.
00:02:50.640 You have to, like, give it to him.
00:02:52.120 You do have to allow you.
00:02:53.540 You are in control of yourself, right?
00:02:55.340 So if I let a man lead me, that means that I'm taking my authority away and saying, hey, 0.90
00:03:00.860 whatever you say, I'm going with what you say.
00:03:02.920 So it is you letting him.
00:03:04.020 But that's indicating on you following.
00:03:05.580 Like, it's so interesting, language.
00:03:07.820 Like, the way we use language.
00:03:09.380 Because it's like, I think a Trump.
00:03:12.100 Like, that's someone who's like a leader.
00:03:13.720 Like, Melania doesn't let him lead.
00:03:15.420 He just leads.
00:03:16.120 And she can either follow or not.
00:03:17.460 Yeah.
00:03:18.160 But that's the, he.
00:03:19.760 But she loves to be led.
00:03:20.640 I don't want to call her a puppet.
00:03:22.220 But that's what he married.
00:03:23.100 He married someone who was easy just to be like, hey, I need you to be this beauty queen. 1.00
00:03:27.380 Sit here.
00:03:27.880 Well, look at, that's what the top men pick.
00:03:29.860 But we all have roles.
00:03:30.680 Typically.
00:03:30.880 If you look at, yeah.
00:03:32.240 I'm sorry.
00:03:32.800 If you let me put my five pence in.
00:03:34.440 We all have roles, right?
00:03:35.940 And if there is a, let's say, let's say family is like a company, right?
00:03:39.480 So, if there is a boss, do you obey your boss?
00:03:42.600 Yes, you do obey your boss.
00:03:43.940 So, if the husband is a boss, then you kind of have to obey him anyway.
00:03:47.600 I have no problem with obeying my husband.
00:03:50.460 And, but I trust him wholeheartedly.
00:03:53.460 So, if he does not, you know, if he betrays my trust, then there is other ways and repercussions.
00:03:59.720 And perhaps we are not suitable or we are discussing the situation, stuff like that.
00:04:04.280 But there has to be a head.
00:04:06.320 And I have to agree with you.
00:04:07.660 There has to be a head.
00:04:08.660 To every company.
00:04:10.120 So, if you just say yes, you know, you have to obey in some situations.
00:04:15.440 But, again, we are going back to the trust and the level being built and built and built
00:04:20.320 and working as a teamwork together.
00:04:21.940 We are all different.
00:04:22.980 I do my bit.
00:04:23.780 You do your bit.
00:04:24.860 And if I need to, I obey you.
00:04:26.240 I'm not ashamed.
00:04:27.160 I'm proud of it, actually, because it builds our families bond stronger.
00:04:30.720 Can I ask you a question, Pearl?
00:04:31.860 Now, when you meet a man, right?
00:04:33.800 This two-part question.
00:04:34.700 When you meet a man, do you let him lead right away?
00:04:36.480 Do I let him lead?
00:04:39.020 I don't think I can let a man lead. 1.00
00:04:40.380 Or does he lead right away?
00:04:41.460 Do you, like, follow his decisions, like, right away?
00:04:43.620 You meet him.
00:04:44.240 You're like, you know what?
00:04:45.020 You got this.
00:04:46.180 Yes.
00:04:46.820 Yes.
00:04:47.140 Okay, so if he came to you, let's say, first date was November.
00:04:52.560 Now, two months later, in January, he's like, hey, I saw this building.
00:04:56.880 I think I kind of want to buy it.
00:04:58.600 I want you to go win half of me.
00:05:00.720 Would you do it?
00:05:01.520 He's leading.
00:05:03.320 Are we married?
00:05:05.540 You're letting him lead.
00:05:06.640 He's telling you, for our future, this building's going to be it.
00:05:10.000 Yeah, I would say, let's get married, and then we can go right ahead, you know?
00:05:15.580 So you would just, no, you're letting him lead.
00:05:18.360 You know, I don't know if that's the best example.
00:05:21.060 But that's what I'm saying.
00:05:21.920 Let's buy a building.
00:05:22.780 But that's what it sounds like.
00:05:23.860 When you say just, like, you have to get to know the man first before you say, okay,
00:05:29.280 I trust your judgment to know that you are not going to lead me to a path of destruction.
00:05:34.760 So you have to get to know that man.
00:05:36.560 You have to know that he can lead himself first.
00:05:38.460 I'm not saying, like, submit to any old guy you meet. 0.86
00:05:42.300 But I'm saying if you're going on a date with him, I'm saying go in in good faith.
00:05:47.040 Yes, I'll go on dates with good faith.
00:05:48.880 Actually, what you said earlier, I get turned off if a man's supposed to take me on a date,
00:05:52.440 and he comes and picks me up, and he has no plan of where we're going.
00:05:55.740 Like, lead the way.
00:05:56.720 My favorite thing to tell a guy is lead the way.
00:05:59.280 Lead especially on a date.
00:06:00.140 Lead the way.
00:06:00.720 This is you.
00:06:01.600 I'm following behind you.
00:06:02.620 Show me you.
00:06:03.140 Yeah, I want to see, because I'm ready to let a man lead.
00:06:06.760 I'm tired of working.
00:06:07.960 Go ahead.
00:06:08.700 You want to have three babies? 1.00
00:06:09.800 Go ahead.
00:06:10.640 I'm ready.
00:06:11.820 But when you meet these men, and you're, like, the new age men, especially after 35 years, 0.98
00:06:17.720 it's like, hey, so what do you want to do?
00:06:19.160 What do you want to do?
00:06:19.740 50-50 split the bill.
00:06:20.560 Yeah, the 50-50 concept. 0.97
00:06:22.800 Oh, burn it. 0.98
00:06:22.840 So if I work at the nursery all the time, how would I do I get the money to pay 50-50 if I work all these white field jobs? 0.93
00:06:29.680 Well, is that common?
00:06:30.920 I've never really had guys want to go 50-50.
00:06:33.880 Is that common for you guys?
00:06:35.060 Yes, in New York it is common.
00:06:37.600 That's actually, that's like a me thing.
00:06:39.960 Like, I don't know, when I grew up, I had a lot of, like, you know, male friends.
00:06:44.960 It was a mixed group, but there were a lot of boys.
00:06:46.960 And we were equal, this was, you know, the sort of late 90s, early 2000s, and we were equal.
00:06:55.320 And so it has never occurred to me that if I go on a date, I would do anything other than go 50-50.
00:07:03.300 Yeah, but that's the most French.
00:07:04.140 This English thing is really, like, British thing.
00:07:06.120 No, I just said, like, if I went on a date, like...
00:07:08.680 I know, but you're talking about in your childhood, that sounded like the most French, as opposed to a date scenario.
00:07:13.960 Yeah.
00:07:15.680 And I just, I don't think that that is appropriate.
00:07:21.600 Like, I think it's appropriate if you both decide that kids are, you know, what you want in your life.
00:07:28.100 And, you know, you want to give kids the best possible nutrition.
00:07:32.080 So, mum's going to stay at home and breastfeed them. 1.00
00:07:35.200 And unless she's, like, fortunate enough to be able to earn from home in minimal time, you know, he is going to have to be the one providing.
00:07:46.220 But, like, on a first date, like, I don't know, I find that quite emasculating.
00:07:50.220 It's, like, the idea that someone would have to pay for the privilege of spending time with me.
00:07:57.420 It's, like, no, I want to start out, like, as...
00:08:00.440 I've just found that most guys, like, want to.
00:08:03.240 Yeah, that's exactly, yeah.
00:08:04.140 I've never had, like, a guy didn't want...
00:08:06.360 Like, I can't even...
00:08:07.360 Yeah, no, I have experienced, like, discomfort from guys.
00:08:13.600 Like, honestly...
00:08:14.120 Because I'm not comfortable with them paying.
00:08:16.100 If you go on, like, a lot...
00:08:17.680 I do a lot of online dating and there are men who are, like, hey, if we go on a date 50-50, we can go get a coffee.
00:08:24.020 But if we go on an actual date, I want to make sure I'm not wasting my time and you're not there for a free meal.
00:08:28.960 So, go 50-50 with me just to prove that you're there for the right reason.
00:08:32.460 Then I wouldn't go, for sure.
00:08:34.040 Unmatched.
00:08:34.280 If you think I'm there for a free meal, like, dude, really?
00:08:36.800 I cook amazing.
00:08:37.760 Just come over.
00:08:38.340 But this is real life, like, situations and scenarios that women are going through. 0.85
00:08:45.520 Like, even there was one guy I met, nice guy.
00:08:47.540 And I was like, okay, you know, I do want to go on a date with you.
00:08:49.420 And he said, just to let you know, first date, we're 50-50.
00:08:52.520 I said, okay, block. 0.56
00:08:54.060 Like, I'm going to block you because what are you talking about?
00:08:56.420 And then he's seen me in person.
00:08:57.560 He's like, hey, you don't remember me?
00:08:58.740 I don't.
00:08:59.560 Mr. 50-50, I don't.
00:09:01.180 Please don't talk to me.
00:09:02.400 Don't try to get a dance with me.
00:09:03.460 Don't talk to me.
00:09:04.840 You're not the type of man you want me to let you leave, but I have to pay you 50-50
00:09:08.520 on a first date?
00:09:09.800 Come on.
00:09:10.660 I had a story where a friend of mine, she went on a date and had to prompt the guy to pay.
00:09:17.680 He's like, oh, okay.
00:09:19.200 And she weren't going to go home with him.
00:09:22.060 So the next day, he messaged her for the money.
00:09:25.700 This is happening.
00:09:27.460 It's mad.