She CALLED HERSELF Traditional
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
222.21152
Summary
In this episode, I speak to a couple who have been in a situation where they are struggling to come to terms with their relationship. They have been apart for 3 years and have been trying to work through their issues together but it just isn't working out. In this episode we talk about how they are dealing with the situation and what they need to do in order to come back together.
Transcript
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Even with that situation, again, that was, like, my first full-on relationship.
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Because where, obviously, I am also religious, like, I do believe in God.
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So with me, if it's a big thing for me to even try fornicate, I'd rather not.
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In that first relationship, I was staying with him because my intention was marriage
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Wouldn't it be more secure in the second because you are married?
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the reason why I'm not leaving is because it's not that he's a good or amazing guy.
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It's more it was the right person, the wrong time.
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So why do you know it's going to work in three years time?
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Because it sounds like you've got it all figured out now that, you know,
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what a great guy he is and what you both need to work on.
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I don't think I don't think it's I don't think he's an amazing guy.
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I feel like we need time to figure ourselves out.
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And when I say that, I mean, I feel like he's not ready to.
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I feel like a man's a man's under a lot of pressure.
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He feels like he has to have X amount of money.
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He needs to make sure he can keep a woman because I feel like men feel like women
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will cheat on them if they're not doing certain things.
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And I think he feels like if he doesn't provide me with a million roses and all of that,
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He doesn't realize that I'm a religious person.
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And that's not going to be a problem, if that makes sense.
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I just think that you need to get it sorted sooner or later and have a conversation.
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In three years, everything's going to be different.
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Because you can both work it out together and grow together rather than three years time.
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You can both be in separate places in three years.
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So why not do it now and see where you both are in three years rather than wait three years
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You know what he needs and you can be there to support him.
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I think there's certain things that you need to work.
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I think there's, because you guys got married when you were younger, I think there's certain
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things where you have to work on by yourself to then be able to come together with someone.
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So I get the three years thing because clearly you've got stuff that you want to work on
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and grow and whatever and he's got his own issues.
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And I think if you guys get back, you guys get back together, that pressure is still going
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to be there because you haven't worked on your individual selves.
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That's why I always say even with marriages and because I desire to get married and stuff
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but I know that I'm not ready to get married now because there's stuff that I need to
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figure out and these are the things I need to figure out by myself before I can then
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come together to figure that part of my life out.
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I still think you want to go carnival, that's why.
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That's why, you know, when guys hear that you're figuring yourself out, they just think
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And honestly, that's what it sounds like because I don't understand what do you, how it's
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Can I ask you, can I ask you how long it's been since you both separated?
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I'll say it was the start of the pandemic, but it's not that we're figuring it out.
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I think it was just that we were two different people coming together and the pressures of
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the pandemic obviously put a lot more strain on us.
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And I feel like also this concept, like for example, we people believe that if you're married,
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you have to sleep in the same bed every single night, whereas some people's relationships
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I didn't understand that when I was younger, that actually some people genuinely don't want
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to be in a bed with someone else every single night.
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And that's something that I'm only coming to terms with now, if that makes sense.
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So I think the more that I'm growing as a person, I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm accepting
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as well that you don't have to have what social media show as a traditional marriage.
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Do you think you and your partner have the same core values?
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Yes. And I think that's the reason why we're, I can see me being compatible with him.
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So what's like the real, like, I don't understand what, what's not there then.
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No, I think, no, no, I think it's not that he's a great guy.
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It's I've made a choice and I feel like I will do whatever I can to make sure it works.
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If that makes sense, because I think, especially with marriage, it's a big commitment.
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And, you know, you do it through thick and thin.
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Um, I think it's more, um, I didn't understand, like when he did mention,
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if he did mention multiple partners or having other partners, for me, that was like, what do you mean?
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But I then had to like recheck myself and actually say, that's not something I'm not used to,
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Um, so I think when I initially reacted and again, that was the trauma from the first
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relationship coming through that I had to unlearn.
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It was almost like, oh, that means you must be cheating every day when actually he wasn't.
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So it kind of goes back to like women can't handle the truth.
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Well, I've separated and like revisiting what I actually want in life and how it impacts me.
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I've realized that actually it's not, I can't handle the to mature, if that makes sense.
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But as I've now learned a lot more about myself, I'm like, yeah, I can.
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Yeah. Well, I've done, I've done counselling and stuff.
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It's not, I would, yeah, I've done counselling and stuff.
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So sometimes you don't, even counselling doesn't help.
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I think as well, it's about emotional management.
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So imagine your emotions, um, in line with what's going on.
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Because often we, we have emotional responses to things that are happening at that time.
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We've, we've, and I'm, and I know someone's going to say, oh, you're, you're saying we're crazy.
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And the moment we're confronted with the situation at hand, we respond to the.
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See, do you know what, because of your background, I think you're quite sensible, isn't it?
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But what I would say is that for most women, the way you're handling it wouldn't be good
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advice because for most women taking time away and pushing it to the future just means racking
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up bodies, racking up more trauma and expecting a guy to come and take hold of it in the, in the future.
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And I think that's where like, obviously like my faith, faith comes in, if that makes sense.
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Because obviously that's what will keep me in check in that sense.
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Because I, I don't believe in sort of committing fornication like that to me.
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Um, obviously women who might not share my same background might be a bit, yeah, maybe they might,
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you know, cause them healing is, is taking more willy.
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But, but are you actually, this is the question I would ask is, are you actually dealing with the
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issues at hand because so, so you're working on them separately, but you're not working on them
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together and that issue. So when you come back, you're going to be a different woman and he's going
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to be a different man. And then there's going to be other issues because you're not working together.
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So I think what's happening is I'm growing into who I am and he's growing into who he is.
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And if it matches, this is why I say I'll give it time. Cause if it is the, that we work out,
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we work out. If not, we're just getting better at just say like, cause I've got a five year old,
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we're getting better at co-parenting. Do you get what I mean? So we've got,
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we're getting better in our relationship itself.
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Come on. Someone, someone started the conversation.
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It wasn't, let's put it this way. It wasn't a nice separation.
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It was very, it was a very, um, abrupt and sort of not great.
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Yeah. But who, who started the, like someone it's dishonest to say that it was a mutual thing.
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Um, someone has to say, this isn't moving out or I'm moving out or we're, we're,
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this isn't working. Let's take some time apart.
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I guess the guy would, he would say it more than I would, but then it's,
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it's more because I would, uh, yeah, I guess he would say it.
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That's abnormal. Usually it's like the other way around.
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Yeah, no, no, I guess it was his choice, but it's more, I think, um, obviously where we had
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a child involved, it was a lot harder, um, because we couldn't get the right grieving
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or time apart that we would have had to, because it's almost like we had an argument the day before,
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and then because of my daughter, we'll have to now stay in communication.
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Um, I think the time, the COVID time really helped sort of put that aside.
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Do you think like, if you called him tomorrow and said like, I want to work this out,
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I think, and he's also agreed in a few years, potentially it's more likely.
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And I think one of the biggest thing is because when we did break up, I never had a hot girl summer.
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I came from a culture where we didn't really go out the house.
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But didn't you just say you were at Carnival before the podcast?
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So I never really experienced, I never experienced that sort of dating or casual dating or even like,
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you know, so when I first came out of the relationship, I was like, okay, yeah, let me explore this.
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I tried, you know, meeting people in real life.
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So yeah, like I now get to go Carnival as a single person, I guess, with my friends.
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But if you're looking at it from a male perspective, these are all the flags that say, okay,
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No, but it's not, I don't go Carnival to dance some guys.
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Like, even if you try not to, you could be standing there.
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But it's inevitable because it's, you know, when you're in a relationship and there's
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things that is, you know, you're making, okay, let me put it like this.
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From a male's perspective, and I'm not a male, but look at it like this.
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You're making yourself available for men to approach you.
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And it's kind of like your words really aren't matching what you're saying,
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because like you said you're a traditional woman.
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I'm saying, I'm saying like, and then like, let me, let me finish.
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Like my, my mom, my grandma wouldn't be caught dead at Carnival.