JustPearlyThings - December 24, 2022


She CALLED HERSELF Traditional


Episode Stats


Length

10 minutes

Words per minute

222.21152

Word count

2,307

Sentence count

176

Harmful content

Misogyny

4

sentences flagged

Hate speech

3

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I speak to a couple who have been in a situation where they are struggling to come to terms with their relationship. They have been apart for 3 years and have been trying to work through their issues together but it just isn't working out. In this episode we talk about how they are dealing with the situation and what they need to do in order to come back together.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Even with that situation, again, that was, like, my first full-on relationship.
00:00:03.760 Because where, obviously, I am also religious, like, I do believe in God.
00:00:07.140 Yeah.
00:00:07.600 And I believe fornication is a sin.
00:00:09.960 So with me, if it's a big thing for me to even try fornicate, I'd rather not.
00:00:14.640 In that first relationship, I was staying with him because my intention was marriage
00:00:18.400 and we were planning to get married.
00:00:19.700 Right.
00:00:20.100 And it was a lot more secure.
00:00:21.240 Yeah.
00:00:21.900 Investments happened.
00:00:22.860 Wouldn't it be more secure in the second because you are married?
00:00:25.540 Well, no, that's what I mean.
00:00:26.360 So the second when it happened,
00:00:28.200 the reason why I'm not leaving is because it's not that he's a good or amazing guy.
00:00:35.540 It's more it was the right person, the wrong time.
00:00:38.960 So why do you know it's going to work in three years time?
00:00:41.640 Why the three years?
00:00:42.800 Because it sounds like you've got it all figured out now that, you know,
00:00:45.860 what a great guy he is and what you both need to work on.
00:00:48.660 It sounds like a backup plan.
00:00:50.100 Yeah.
00:00:50.600 Because why the three years?
00:00:51.800 I don't think I don't think it's I don't think he's an amazing guy.
00:00:54.660 I think with time, he will also.
00:00:56.960 I feel like we need time to figure ourselves out.
00:00:59.760 And when I say that, I mean, I feel like he's not ready to.
00:01:05.160 I feel like a man's a man's under a lot of pressure.
00:01:07.160 He feels like he has to have X amount of money.
00:01:08.960 He needs to make sure he can keep a woman because I feel like men feel like women 1.00
00:01:12.800 will cheat on them if they're not doing certain things.
00:01:15.460 And I think he feels like if he doesn't provide me with a million roses and all of that,
00:01:19.920 I'm not going to stay loyal to him.
00:01:21.300 He doesn't realize that I'm a religious person.
00:01:23.160 And that's not going to be a problem, if that makes sense.
00:01:26.460 I just think that you need to get it sorted sooner or later and have a conversation.
00:01:30.500 In three years, everything's going to be different.
00:01:31.360 Because you can both work it out together and grow together rather than three years time.
00:01:36.120 You can both be in separate places in three years.
00:01:38.960 Yeah.
00:01:39.460 You might as well do it together.
00:01:40.960 You know what you want.
00:01:41.920 You sound like you know what you want.
00:01:43.140 You sound quite sensible and reasonable.
00:01:44.900 So why not do it now and see where you both are in three years rather than wait three years
00:01:50.580 just to jump in.
00:01:51.720 There's a lot that can happen in three years.
00:01:53.720 Well, you can get there together.
00:01:55.100 You know he's not there yet.
00:01:56.360 You know what he needs and you can be there to support him.
00:01:59.460 I think there's certain things that you need to work.
00:02:02.280 I get where you're coming from.
00:02:03.040 I think there's, because you guys got married when you were younger, I think there's certain
00:02:06.320 things where you have to work on by yourself to then be able to come together with someone.
00:02:11.880 So I get the three years thing because clearly you've got stuff that you want to work on
00:02:15.340 and grow and whatever and he's got his own issues.
00:02:16.960 And I think if you guys get back, you guys get back together, that pressure is still going
00:02:21.960 to be there because you haven't worked on your individual selves.
00:02:24.520 That's why I always say even with marriages and because I desire to get married and stuff
00:02:27.820 but I know that I'm not ready to get married now because there's stuff that I need to
00:02:31.160 figure out and these are the things I need to figure out by myself before I can then
00:02:34.640 come together to figure that part of my life out.
00:02:38.760 Do you get what I mean?
00:02:39.760 I still think you want to go carnival, that's why.
00:02:42.560 I want to go carnival, that's why.
00:02:44.760 That's why, you know, when guys hear that you're figuring yourself out, they just think
00:02:49.400 you're sleeping around.
00:02:51.400 And honestly, that's what it sounds like because I don't understand what do you, how it's
00:02:56.000 not that.
00:02:57.000 Can I ask you, can I ask you how long it's been since you both separated?
00:03:00.280 Like how long have you been figuring it out?
00:03:03.040 I'll say it was the start of the pandemic, but it's not that we're figuring it out.
00:03:06.960 I think it was just that we were two different people coming together and the pressures of
00:03:11.480 the pandemic obviously put a lot more strain on us.
00:03:14.240 And I feel like also this concept, like for example, we people believe that if you're married,
00:03:20.240 you have to sleep in the same bed every single night, whereas some people's relationships
00:03:24.160 aren't like that.
00:03:25.080 I didn't understand that when I was younger, that actually some people genuinely don't want
00:03:28.760 to be in a bed with someone else every single night.
00:03:31.520 And that's something that I'm only coming to terms with now, if that makes sense.
00:03:34.840 So I think the more that I'm growing as a person, I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm accepting
00:03:40.000 as well that you don't have to have what social media show as a traditional marriage.
00:03:44.520 Yeah. You can have your own version.
00:03:46.280 Yeah. And I'll ask you a question though.
00:03:48.840 Do you think you and your partner have the same core values?
00:03:52.440 Yes. And I think that's the reason why we're, I can see me being compatible with him.
00:03:58.680 So what's like the real, like, I don't understand what, what's not there then.
00:04:03.080 It seems like he's a great guy.
00:04:04.200 Yeah.
00:04:05.560 No, I think, no, no, I think it's not that he's a great guy.
00:04:09.000 It's I've made a choice and I feel like I will do whatever I can to make sure it works.
00:04:14.200 Okay.
00:04:14.520 If that makes sense, because I think, especially with marriage, it's a big commitment.
00:04:18.360 And, you know, you do it through thick and thin.
00:04:20.360 Yeah.
00:04:20.840 Um, I think it's more, um, I didn't understand, like when he did mention,
00:04:26.120 if he did mention multiple partners or having other partners, for me, that was like, what do you mean?
00:04:31.880 But I then had to like recheck myself and actually say, that's not something I'm not used to,
00:04:36.680 or I'm abnormal, or that isn't the norm.
00:04:39.320 Um, so I think when I initially reacted and again, that was the trauma from the first
00:04:43.960 relationship coming through that I had to unlearn.
00:04:46.760 It was almost like, oh, that means you must be cheating every day when actually he wasn't.
00:04:50.680 So it made us very toxic for no reason.
00:04:53.160 So it kind of goes back to like women can't handle the truth. 1.00
00:04:55.800 Well, I've separated and like revisiting what I actually want in life and how it impacts me.
00:05:00.760 I've realized that actually it's not, I can't handle the to mature, if that makes sense.
00:05:06.040 Then I wouldn't be able to.
00:05:07.080 But as I've now learned a lot more about myself, I'm like, yeah, I can.
00:05:10.680 Have you had help for your trauma?
00:05:12.280 I guess it was more.
00:05:13.480 Professional help.
00:05:14.680 Yeah. Well, I've done, I've done counselling and stuff.
00:05:16.760 It's not, I would, yeah, I've done counselling and stuff.
00:05:19.960 I don't think, I think it's just time.
00:05:21.560 So sometimes you don't, even counselling doesn't help.
00:05:23.480 It's just, just maturing.
00:05:24.840 I think as well, it's about emotional management.
00:05:27.560 So imagine your emotions, um, in line with what's going on.
00:05:32.200 Because often we, we have emotional responses to things that are happening at that time.
00:05:37.720 Yeah.
00:05:37.960 We've thought about them.
00:05:39.000 We've, we've, and I'm, and I know someone's going to say, oh, you're, you're saying we're crazy.
00:05:43.640 No, we think about things that could happen.
00:05:46.680 We think about those things, think about it.
00:05:48.520 And the moment we're confronted with the situation at hand, we respond to the.
00:05:52.520 See, do you know what, because of your background, I think you're quite sensible, isn't it?
00:05:56.360 But what I would say is that for most women, the way you're handling it wouldn't be good 0.97
00:06:01.000 advice because for most women taking time away and pushing it to the future just means racking 1.00
00:06:06.440 up bodies, racking up more trauma and expecting a guy to come and take hold of it in the, in the future.
00:06:11.560 And I think that's where like, obviously like my faith, faith comes in, if that makes sense.
00:06:15.960 Because obviously that's what will keep me in check in that sense.
00:06:18.920 Because I, I don't believe in sort of committing fornication like that to me.
00:06:23.080 It protects me a bit more from that.
00:06:25.320 Um, obviously women who might not share my same background might be a bit, yeah, maybe they might, 1.00
00:06:30.600 you know, cause them healing is, is taking more willy.
00:06:33.480 Yeah.
00:06:33.800 But, but are you actually, this is the question I would ask is, are you actually dealing with the
00:06:39.000 issues at hand because so, so you're working on them separately, but you're not working on them
00:06:44.840 together and that issue. So when you come back, you're going to be a different woman and he's going
00:06:49.560 to be a different man. And then there's going to be other issues because you're not working together.
00:06:53.640 Yeah.
00:06:53.960 So I think what's happening is I'm growing into who I am and he's growing into who he is.
00:06:58.440 And if it matches, this is why I say I'll give it time. Cause if it is the, that we work out,
00:07:02.840 we work out. If not, we're just getting better at just say like, cause I've got a five year old,
00:07:07.720 we're getting better at co-parenting. Do you get what I mean? So we've got,
00:07:10.840 we're getting better in our relationship itself.
00:07:13.720 What's the separation, his choice or yours?
00:07:19.000 It was, I guess both.
00:07:22.360 Come on. Someone, someone started the conversation.
00:07:26.120 It wasn't, let's put it this way. It wasn't a nice separation.
00:07:29.560 Yeah.
00:07:30.040 It was very, it was a very, um, abrupt and sort of not great.
00:07:34.680 Yeah. But who, who started the, like someone it's dishonest to say that it was a mutual thing.
00:07:40.600 Like someone has to start the conversation.
00:07:44.280 Um, someone has to say, this isn't moving out or I'm moving out or we're, we're,
00:07:50.200 this isn't working. Let's take some time apart.
00:07:52.680 I guess the guy would, he would say it more than I would, but then it's,
00:07:57.480 it's more because I would, uh, yeah, I guess he would say it.
00:08:00.520 So you say it as that I can't take it.
00:08:02.120 It was a joint argument.
00:08:02.600 So it was, so it was his choice.
00:08:04.680 Yeah.
00:08:05.240 Okay.
00:08:05.640 Yeah.
00:08:06.200 That's abnormal. Usually it's like the other way around.
00:08:08.200 Yeah, no, no, I guess it was his choice, but it's more, I think, um, obviously where we had
00:08:12.600 a child involved, it was a lot harder, um, because we couldn't get the right grieving
00:08:17.080 or time apart that we would have had to, because it's almost like we had an argument the day before,
00:08:21.720 and then because of my daughter, we'll have to now stay in communication.
00:08:25.080 Um, I think the time, the COVID time really helped sort of put that aside.
00:08:29.080 Do you think like, if you called him tomorrow and said like, I want to work this out,
00:08:32.360 let's move back in together, he would do it?
00:08:34.200 Not yet.
00:08:35.160 Not yet.
00:08:36.120 I think, and he's also agreed in a few years, potentially it's more likely.
00:08:40.920 Whereas I think he isn't where he wants to be.
00:08:43.400 And he knows that I'm not where I want to be.
00:08:45.080 And I think one of the biggest thing is because when we did break up, I never had a hot girl summer.
00:08:49.800 Let's say like, I've never experienced that.
00:08:51.240 I came from a culture where we didn't really go out the house.
00:08:53.400 I'm not trying to be rude.
00:08:54.360 Yeah.
00:08:54.760 But didn't you just say you were at Carnival before the podcast?
00:08:57.560 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:58.760 No, so that's what I mean.
00:08:59.720 Okay.
00:09:00.280 So I never really experienced, I never experienced that sort of dating or casual dating or even like,
00:09:06.120 you know, so when I first came out of the relationship, I was like, okay, yeah, let me explore this.
00:09:11.560 I tried online, yeah, I tried online dating.
00:09:13.880 It was horrendous.
00:09:14.680 I tried, you know, meeting people in real life.
00:09:18.520 It was, it was a joke.
00:09:19.960 So yeah, like I now get to go Carnival as a single person, I guess, with my friends.
00:09:24.280 But again, it's not, it's just for fun for me.
00:09:26.200 It's nothing like nothing.
00:09:27.880 There's no guys.
00:09:30.920 It's not serious for you.
00:09:32.280 But if you're looking at it from a male perspective, these are all the flags that say, okay,
00:09:37.240 she doesn't want to do this.
00:09:38.360 No, but it's not, I don't go Carnival to dance some guys.
00:09:41.320 I know, I know, but it's inevitable.
00:09:43.160 Like, even if you try not to, you could be standing there.
00:09:46.120 A guy wants to line up on himself.
00:09:47.640 Leave him, you know.
00:09:48.680 Yeah, but I'm that gym.
00:09:50.600 No, no, I understand.
00:09:51.640 But it's inevitable because it's, you know, when you're in a relationship and there's
00:09:56.280 things that is, you know, you're making, okay, let me put it like this.
00:10:00.440 From a male's perspective, and I'm not a male, but look at it like this.
00:10:04.440 You're making yourself available for men to approach you.
00:10:08.440 And it's kind of like your words really aren't matching what you're saying,
00:10:11.240 because like you said you're a traditional woman.
00:10:13.320 Traditional women don't go to Carnival. 1.00
00:10:14.680 I'm saying, I'm saying like, and then like, let me, let me finish.
00:10:17.400 Like my, my mom, my grandma wouldn't be caught dead at Carnival.
00:10:20.200 They said they want vibes.
00:10:21.240 They're like, what are you talking about?