JustPearlyThings - May 29, 2023


She Withheld S3x From Her Boyfriend For 5 Months


Episode Stats


Length

10 minutes

Words per minute

208.35568

Word count

2,201

Sentence count

206

Harmful content

Misogyny

7

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we talk about sex and how to deal with a lack of sex in a relationship. How long should a partner go without sex? Is cheating an acceptable thing to do if you haven t slept with your partner in a month? How long does it take to get back into the swing of things? And what can you do about it?

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Hungry sex.
00:00:00.880 But I don't think you can have sex if you're not fully in it anyway.
00:00:03.680 Well, that's me personally.
00:00:04.680 I don't know about you lot.
00:00:05.540 I'll do it just to let him shut up.
00:00:06.920 I'll give him five minutes.
00:00:08.760 I would.
00:00:09.160 I also think foreplay works.
00:00:10.860 I would.
00:00:12.220 He'd get you in the mood.
00:00:13.120 Any man could get you in the mood.
00:00:14.280 Yeah.
00:00:15.040 The right man.
00:00:15.720 No, the right man could get you in the mood.
00:00:17.400 Yeah.
00:00:17.760 Depend on how you feel.
00:00:18.800 Yeah.
00:00:19.060 But yeah, the general rule is if you want to eat, you have to prepare it.
00:00:25.460 Yeah.
00:00:26.100 Cook it.
00:00:27.600 Marinate your chicken before you cook it.
00:00:29.520 It's such an analogy.
00:00:31.000 How long do you think a guy, if he goes without sex, like, okay, I'm trying to phrase this
00:00:35.960 question.
00:00:36.560 So how long, let's say you haven't had sex with him in a month.
00:00:40.120 Is it acceptable for him to cheat?
00:00:42.040 No.
00:00:42.900 Like, at what point have you, like, not slept with your guy where it's kind of understandable
00:00:47.620 that he steps out?
00:00:48.500 Because we could agree probably that if you haven't slept with him in two years, he's probably
00:00:52.460 going to step out.
00:00:53.700 If my man don't sleep with me in a month, I think it's over.
00:00:56.020 I think he's finished with me.
00:00:57.760 I've got a question, actually, off the back of that.
00:00:59.940 No, it's not you.
00:01:00.760 It's like you not sleeping with him.
00:01:02.240 And all seriously, never.
00:01:03.600 Nah, I can't see it happening.
00:01:04.780 If a guy has been deprived for that long, like, get to the point of saying you've deprived
00:01:08.540 me for this long.
00:01:09.260 I feel like I need it and I'm going to get it.
00:01:12.620 Like, just talk to me.
00:01:15.100 Yeah.
00:01:15.340 Communication.
00:01:16.100 If he's addressed it to me and come to me and be like, look, this is how I'm feeling.
00:01:21.580 And I haven't tried, I think the same as an argument and I haven't tried to resolve it.
00:01:25.860 Yeah.
00:01:26.060 Resolve it.
00:01:26.660 At that point, leave me.
00:01:28.060 But that's, I feel like sex aside, it could be everything.
00:01:29.700 But it's not that simple for a lot of guys.
00:01:31.860 But maybe because they lose custody of their kids.
00:01:34.660 No, I think, I know, I agree, it's not that simple, but if you want me to answer the question
00:01:40.020 black and white, no, but in real life, everything's a little bit more complex than that.
00:01:45.380 So I get it.
00:01:46.260 There's exceptions of everything.
00:01:48.100 Well, yeah, and honestly, I just feel like even like me as a married person, like I've
00:01:53.020 told my husband this before, I don't feel like cheating is a deal breaker if, I just
00:02:00.360 don't feel like cheating.
00:02:01.180 I feel like you can literally work through anything.
00:02:03.860 I really do, but like, just to answer your question, no, no, no.
00:02:09.740 Yeah, but at least like two months.
00:02:12.180 Okay, two months.
00:02:12.940 Two months is...
00:02:13.940 Two months, okay.
00:02:14.940 No, at least, like, some people will be like, oh, we're having sex in two weeks.
00:02:20.220 Yeah, I was well saying, what are you doing?
00:02:20.940 But in what aspect are we, okay, so why wouldn't you be having sex with him?
00:02:25.380 Sometimes...
00:02:26.060 Whatever the reason.
00:02:26.940 Yeah, am I allowed to ask questions?
00:02:28.180 Some girls, some girls, yeah, you can, yeah. 0.99
00:02:29.740 Some girls do it to like control the guy. 1.00
00:02:32.340 Punish him, yeah.
00:02:33.460 That's sadistic.
00:02:34.780 I think sometimes...
00:02:35.780 Again, remember, one in four marriages are sexless.
00:02:38.260 I mean, maybe she didn't marry the guy she wanted and she's not really attracted to him anymore.
00:02:42.340 Yeah.
00:02:42.940 I mean, there's a million reasons.
00:02:44.340 I think if it started that way, then it's different.
00:02:46.580 If it's changed, like throughout, you need to look at what's changed it.
00:02:50.500 But sometimes it's also like where you are at mentally.
00:02:53.180 Yeah.
00:02:53.500 Yeah.
00:02:53.820 And if you're someone who like suffers from depression, that can affect how you feel sexually.
00:02:59.100 Yeah.
00:02:59.420 And unfortunately...
00:03:00.060 Depression is sorted.
00:03:01.500 And unfortunately, unfortunately, unfortunately, like it's not personal to your partner, but obviously it does affect your partner.
00:03:09.100 But you should be able to communicate clearly why you're feeling like you're feeling so that he doesn't feel iced out.
00:03:15.980 Because men will literally, if you go to Satchi and you're like, oh, he's going to feel iced out.
00:03:20.940 Yeah.
00:03:21.260 And then hopefully you have a compassionate partner.
00:03:23.740 I mean, I just don't know what you could tell him.
00:03:25.500 Like, baby, we're not going to have sex for three months, but this is how I'm feeling.
00:03:28.860 Yeah.
00:03:29.180 Yes.
00:03:29.580 Well, can you understand?
00:03:31.260 Well, mine did.
00:03:32.060 I think foundationally what helps is if both people in the relationship can agree that if we haven't had sex in a while, there's actually a problem.
00:03:41.900 Because one might not see it like the woman that is withholding sex, she might not see as a problem. 1.00
00:03:46.380 But if we can agree that I don't feel, I have not felt like having sex with you for like over a week or two weeks, she within herself should be able to say, I may not know why, but this is definitely a problem.
00:03:59.820 Yeah, but you always know why, you just need to dig deep.
00:04:03.820 Like, I knew why and at first I was like, oh, I'm not too sure.
00:04:07.580 And then I did and I told him, I was like, this is why.
00:04:10.060 And he was, we have an open, not open relationship in terms of other people, but in terms of like openly communicating.
00:04:16.620 I don't feel like no one should be having sex if you can't talk about sex.
00:04:20.380 You certainly shouldn't be having, being in a relationship, you can't talk about sex with your partner and why you don't have sex or what you like, what you don't like, etc, etc.
00:04:27.900 And hopefully the person that you have respect you as a human being and says, okay, I can see why you're going through that.
00:04:34.300 Like, do you know how long?
00:04:35.500 And if you can honestly say, look, I don't know how I'm going to feel.
00:04:38.780 If that person then turns around and says, well, I feel like at least wait a certain time period before you go.
00:04:45.900 Okay, it's been a while.
00:04:47.660 Is anything changing?
00:04:48.700 No, the woman should get proactive about it. 1.00
00:04:51.020 Can I just ask a question?
00:04:53.100 What is the longest has any of us been without sex in a relationship and who stopped it?
00:05:00.380 What's the longest you've been in your relationship without sex?
00:05:03.820 So I, can I, yeah, I just jumped in.
00:05:11.260 Sorry, I don't know if anyone else.
00:05:13.340 Okay, I don't.
00:05:17.100 So one of my exes was anorexic.
00:05:20.620 He had an eating disorder.
00:05:22.940 And I used to hate sleeping with him because I could feel his hip bones and it used to make me feel
00:05:27.820 uncomfortable. It would hurt and it put me off and trying to help someone overcome that and support them.
00:05:38.140 But also trying to be intimate with them when you're not feeling it because it physically hurts is a hard thing to stay in.
00:05:44.940 So, um, that was not a very sexy relationship.
00:05:49.420 So how long was it?
00:05:51.100 That was a year and a bit.
00:05:53.100 No, I mean, how long you got without sex?
00:05:55.180 No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:05:56.300 Because he started, he started gaining.
00:05:59.580 I couldn't do that to myself.
00:06:02.780 Wait, did you cheat on him?
00:06:03.980 No, I've never, I've never, I couldn't.
00:06:07.580 If I'm either in or I'm out, I don't run around in gray areas.
00:06:11.500 I don't, it's just not how I roll.
00:06:13.420 So for me that we weren't intimate for about a good, it was like on and off because some,
00:06:21.500 I'm trying to think probably about a good four or five months.
00:06:24.140 But just to clarify.
00:06:25.020 Wait, you didn't, you didn't have sex with him for four or five months?
00:06:27.420 Yeah.
00:06:27.820 And it's because you didn't want to.
00:06:29.740 Did he know the reason why?
00:06:32.460 I had to be honest in the end.
00:06:34.700 Do you think if the roles were reversed that you would have like taken that okay?
00:06:38.700 And you know what, it's interesting you're saying that.
00:06:41.420 I called myself out on it today because my friend said to me that a guy she was with
00:06:46.540 made a comment about her weight in the bedroom.
00:06:49.020 And it made me reflect and think, God, I've done that to a guy.
00:06:52.940 And I thought, who the hell am I to say that?
00:06:57.980 I felt bad.
00:06:59.740 But then he asked me why.
00:07:01.100 And I don't lie.
00:07:02.220 You know, I'm going to be honest with you if we're in a relationship.
00:07:06.780 And, um,
00:07:07.820 How did he respond?
00:07:09.100 Yeah.
00:07:09.820 It was hard for him, but then he actually got well.
00:07:12.540 Like he started training in the gym.
00:07:14.060 He started eating properly.
00:07:15.260 We cooked together.
00:07:16.060 Like that's why I think that I came into his life to help him with that.
00:07:19.420 It's really interesting, like the, it's like, it seems like men can accept criticism a lot better
00:07:24.860 than women. 0.99
00:07:25.340 Oh, Carl, you know.
00:07:26.300 It was hard for him.
00:07:27.180 Don't get it wrong, but he did really well.
00:07:28.620 I'm not being funny.
00:07:28.700 If you told overweight women that in the bedroom, they're going to swing out. 1.00
00:07:31.580 How dare you?
00:07:32.220 Guys, would you not get offended if your man was picking something, especially in the bedroom?
00:07:36.380 Yeah.
00:07:36.940 Which is why I felt really bad when she told me that story, because it made me think,
00:07:40.300 you know what?
00:07:40.780 I did that to someone and I didn't mean it in a malicious way.
00:07:43.900 No.
00:07:44.380 Well, you should have told him.
00:07:45.020 Because he asked me the question.
00:07:46.300 He asked me the truth.
00:07:47.260 He said, tell me.
00:07:48.380 I don't really, I don't really felt like, I mean, I just think four or five months.
00:07:51.900 That's a long time to not.
00:07:53.100 I didn't just come out with it in a very blunt way.
00:07:55.500 I was diplomatic.
00:07:56.700 Yeah, but I don't think you needed to wait four or five months.
00:08:00.140 I don't think you needed to wait four or five months.
00:08:02.220 You don't have to hear people.
00:08:06.380 If I'm going to be really honest, it spiritually attacked me as well.
00:08:10.060 It didn't, it didn't just get me physically.
00:08:11.820 It made me feel when I'm the kind of person, when I'm involved with someone, I take on everything,
00:08:17.100 like their emotions, their aura, like I feel.
00:08:21.500 I just want to ask.
00:08:22.540 So was you not attracted to him anymore because of that?
00:08:25.980 But when you got together, you said this is what he was like.
00:08:29.580 So surely you would know.
00:08:30.940 I was attracted to him.
00:08:32.540 It was painful to have sex with him because of his hip bones.
00:08:36.620 Sorry.
00:08:36.860 I thought you said you wasn't finding it attractive.
00:08:39.340 Sorry.
00:08:39.740 Okay.
00:08:40.060 It's also the.
00:08:41.340 It wasn't sexy.
00:08:42.300 Yeah.
00:08:42.620 So what's the longest?
00:08:44.460 I'm waiting to hear from a video.
00:08:45.740 She's five months.
00:08:46.940 No, no, I mean each person.
00:08:48.620 What's the longest?
00:08:49.340 Each person is.
00:08:50.300 I don't know, two days.
00:08:51.420 I haven't even been watching.
00:08:53.180 Like not even 48 hours.
00:08:56.620 Yeah, like two days.
00:08:57.500 No, that's what I meant because if you're in a relationship,
00:09:03.660 I can't see myself going five months.
00:09:04.940 Do you know what?
00:09:05.340 Yeah, it depends on the person.
00:09:06.460 I think if you start, no, if you used to a close,
00:09:09.340 me personally, after a couple of days, I'm like, what's wrong?
00:09:11.740 Yeah, yeah, me too.
00:09:12.300 I've got to say something after a couple of days.
00:09:13.580 Yeah, yeah, me too.
00:09:14.060 Intimacy is a big part of a relationship for me.
00:09:16.140 I think it's easy.
00:09:16.780 I think it's easier to go longer if when you're not living together.
00:09:20.140 Like me and my partner wasn't living together.
00:09:22.140 So yeah, that's why it probably had that time.
00:09:27.660 But if we were living together, I 100% believe it would have been sooner.
00:09:31.980 Yeah.
00:09:32.540 So can I answer your question though?
00:09:34.140 You know, when you said, oh, if your man commented on your body in the bedroom,
00:09:37.820 wouldn't you be offended?
00:09:39.180 I wouldn't.
00:09:39.820 Oh, no.
00:09:40.940 I mean, I wouldn't like, I just do something about it.
00:09:44.620 It depends on what they say though, and how they say it.
00:09:47.660 And I think it's also the heart behind it as well.
00:09:49.820 Well, no, yours as, as well as the heart, sorry, as well as the heart,
00:09:55.500 because I trust my husband.
00:09:57.500 So anything that he says, I know it's not like malicious, but also my husband is a bit
00:10:03.420 of an enemy of my progress because I want to lose weight.
00:10:07.260 And he's very like, oh, but you look amazing.
00:10:09.420 But sometimes I just feel like if your partner says, oh yeah,
00:10:12.380 I'd love if you like toned up, it gives you that extra motivation to go tone up.
00:10:15.820 Do you know what I mean?
00:10:16.300 I think there's a, there's a way of going around it.
00:10:18.460 So it's not like, oh, when you was,
00:10:20.780 when we was doing this and I felt this, there's ways around it.
00:10:25.580 Now my mama just say you're fat, you've got a buddy. 1.00
00:10:27.660 Do you think about it?
00:10:28.620 I was just going straight up.
00:10:30.460 Yeah, but yeah, I just think.
00:10:31.580 You've got that kind of straight forward.
00:10:33.260 Yeah.