She Withheld S3x From Her Boyfriend For 5 Months
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
208.35568
Summary
In this episode, we talk about sex and how to deal with a lack of sex in a relationship. How long should a partner go without sex? Is cheating an acceptable thing to do if you haven t slept with your partner in a month? How long does it take to get back into the swing of things? And what can you do about it?
Transcript
00:00:00.880
But I don't think you can have sex if you're not fully in it anyway.
00:00:19.060
But yeah, the general rule is if you want to eat, you have to prepare it.
00:00:31.000
How long do you think a guy, if he goes without sex, like, okay, I'm trying to phrase this
00:00:36.560
So how long, let's say you haven't had sex with him in a month.
00:00:42.900
Like, at what point have you, like, not slept with your guy where it's kind of understandable
00:00:48.500
Because we could agree probably that if you haven't slept with him in two years, he's probably
00:00:53.700
If my man don't sleep with me in a month, I think it's over.
00:00:57.760
I've got a question, actually, off the back of that.
00:01:04.780
If a guy has been deprived for that long, like, get to the point of saying you've deprived
00:01:16.100
If he's addressed it to me and come to me and be like, look, this is how I'm feeling.
00:01:21.580
And I haven't tried, I think the same as an argument and I haven't tried to resolve it.
00:01:28.060
But that's, I feel like sex aside, it could be everything.
00:01:31.860
But maybe because they lose custody of their kids.
00:01:34.660
No, I think, I know, I agree, it's not that simple, but if you want me to answer the question
00:01:40.020
black and white, no, but in real life, everything's a little bit more complex than that.
00:01:48.100
Well, yeah, and honestly, I just feel like even like me as a married person, like I've
00:01:53.020
told my husband this before, I don't feel like cheating is a deal breaker if, I just
00:02:01.180
I feel like you can literally work through anything.
00:02:03.860
I really do, but like, just to answer your question, no, no, no.
00:02:14.940
No, at least, like, some people will be like, oh, we're having sex in two weeks.
00:02:20.940
But in what aspect are we, okay, so why wouldn't you be having sex with him?
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Again, remember, one in four marriages are sexless.
00:02:38.260
I mean, maybe she didn't marry the guy she wanted and she's not really attracted to him anymore.
00:02:44.340
I think if it started that way, then it's different.
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If it's changed, like throughout, you need to look at what's changed it.
00:02:50.500
But sometimes it's also like where you are at mentally.
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And if you're someone who like suffers from depression, that can affect how you feel sexually.
00:03:01.500
And unfortunately, unfortunately, unfortunately, like it's not personal to your partner, but obviously it does affect your partner.
00:03:09.100
But you should be able to communicate clearly why you're feeling like you're feeling so that he doesn't feel iced out.
00:03:15.980
Because men will literally, if you go to Satchi and you're like, oh, he's going to feel iced out.
00:03:21.260
And then hopefully you have a compassionate partner.
00:03:23.740
I mean, I just don't know what you could tell him.
00:03:25.500
Like, baby, we're not going to have sex for three months, but this is how I'm feeling.
00:03:32.060
I think foundationally what helps is if both people in the relationship can agree that if we haven't had sex in a while, there's actually a problem.
00:03:41.900
Because one might not see it like the woman that is withholding sex, she might not see as a problem.
00:03:46.380
But if we can agree that I don't feel, I have not felt like having sex with you for like over a week or two weeks, she within herself should be able to say, I may not know why, but this is definitely a problem.
00:03:59.820
Yeah, but you always know why, you just need to dig deep.
00:04:03.820
Like, I knew why and at first I was like, oh, I'm not too sure.
00:04:07.580
And then I did and I told him, I was like, this is why.
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And he was, we have an open, not open relationship in terms of other people, but in terms of like openly communicating.
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I don't feel like no one should be having sex if you can't talk about sex.
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You certainly shouldn't be having, being in a relationship, you can't talk about sex with your partner and why you don't have sex or what you like, what you don't like, etc, etc.
00:04:27.900
And hopefully the person that you have respect you as a human being and says, okay, I can see why you're going through that.
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And if you can honestly say, look, I don't know how I'm going to feel.
00:04:38.780
If that person then turns around and says, well, I feel like at least wait a certain time period before you go.
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What is the longest has any of us been without sex in a relationship and who stopped it?
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What's the longest you've been in your relationship without sex?
00:05:22.940
And I used to hate sleeping with him because I could feel his hip bones and it used to make me feel
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uncomfortable. It would hurt and it put me off and trying to help someone overcome that and support them.
00:05:38.140
But also trying to be intimate with them when you're not feeling it because it physically hurts is a hard thing to stay in.
00:06:07.580
If I'm either in or I'm out, I don't run around in gray areas.
00:06:13.420
So for me that we weren't intimate for about a good, it was like on and off because some,
00:06:21.500
I'm trying to think probably about a good four or five months.
00:06:25.020
Wait, you didn't, you didn't have sex with him for four or five months?
00:06:34.700
Do you think if the roles were reversed that you would have like taken that okay?
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And you know what, it's interesting you're saying that.
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I called myself out on it today because my friend said to me that a guy she was with
00:06:46.540
made a comment about her weight in the bedroom.
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And it made me reflect and think, God, I've done that to a guy.
00:07:02.220
You know, I'm going to be honest with you if we're in a relationship.
00:07:09.820
It was hard for him, but then he actually got well.
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Like that's why I think that I came into his life to help him with that.
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It's really interesting, like the, it's like, it seems like men can accept criticism a lot better
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If you told overweight women that in the bedroom, they're going to swing out.
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Guys, would you not get offended if your man was picking something, especially in the bedroom?
00:07:36.940
Which is why I felt really bad when she told me that story, because it made me think,
00:07:40.780
I did that to someone and I didn't mean it in a malicious way.
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I don't really, I don't really felt like, I mean, I just think four or five months.
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I didn't just come out with it in a very blunt way.
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Yeah, but I don't think you needed to wait four or five months.
00:08:00.140
I don't think you needed to wait four or five months.
00:08:06.380
If I'm going to be really honest, it spiritually attacked me as well.
00:08:11.820
It made me feel when I'm the kind of person, when I'm involved with someone, I take on everything,
00:08:22.540
So was you not attracted to him anymore because of that?
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But when you got together, you said this is what he was like.
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It was painful to have sex with him because of his hip bones.
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I thought you said you wasn't finding it attractive.
00:08:57.500
No, that's what I meant because if you're in a relationship,
00:09:06.460
I think if you start, no, if you used to a close,
00:09:09.340
me personally, after a couple of days, I'm like, what's wrong?
00:09:12.300
I've got to say something after a couple of days.
00:09:14.060
Intimacy is a big part of a relationship for me.
00:09:16.780
I think it's easier to go longer if when you're not living together.
00:09:27.660
But if we were living together, I 100% believe it would have been sooner.
00:09:34.140
You know, when you said, oh, if your man commented on your body in the bedroom,
00:09:40.940
I mean, I wouldn't like, I just do something about it.
00:09:44.620
It depends on what they say though, and how they say it.
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And I think it's also the heart behind it as well.
00:09:49.820
Well, no, yours as, as well as the heart, sorry, as well as the heart,
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So anything that he says, I know it's not like malicious, but also my husband is a bit
00:10:03.420
of an enemy of my progress because I want to lose weight.
00:10:09.420
But sometimes I just feel like if your partner says, oh yeah,
00:10:12.380
I'd love if you like toned up, it gives you that extra motivation to go tone up.
00:10:16.300
I think there's a, there's a way of going around it.
00:10:20.780
when we was doing this and I felt this, there's ways around it.
00:10:25.580
Now my mama just say you're fat, you've got a buddy.