JustPearlyThings - May 03, 2023


Single Mother GOT DESTROYED for Saying This


Episode Stats

Length

12 minutes

Words per Minute

220.35309

Word Count

2,825

Sentence Count

226

Misogynist Sentences

19

Hate Speech Sentences

10


Summary

In this episode, we talk about step-parenting and if it's a good or bad thing when a partner has children from a previous relationship. We also discuss whether it's fair for women to expect monogamy if they already have children with a previous partner.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Do you think it's fair for women to expect monogamy
00:00:02.240 if they have children from a previous guy?
00:00:06.380 I mean, I think you should expect monogamy
00:00:08.480 if the conversation hasn't been had otherwise.
00:00:11.480 You know what I mean?
00:00:12.320 Just generally.
00:00:12.800 Yeah, exactly.
00:00:14.320 It's more likely if you,
00:00:15.960 I feel like if you've got children
00:00:17.360 from a previous relationship,
00:00:19.360 I think it's probably more likely
00:00:21.260 that you're going to get cheated on
00:00:22.400 because you're going to know that
00:00:24.380 that person probably has less option
00:00:26.380 to just walk away after that.
00:00:28.120 It's more likely that they will try and work out
00:00:31.040 if they've already got children from a past relationship.
00:00:33.420 They don't necessarily want to lose that person
00:00:35.400 that they've been in a relationship with.
00:00:37.060 You know what I mean?
00:00:37.460 So, yeah, I think that as long as there's honesty,
00:00:42.400 then anything's possible.
00:00:44.120 But without that, then, you know.
00:00:46.160 And don't ever undermine the power and influence
00:00:48.500 of a stepfather or a stepmother.
00:00:50.080 I came from a single-parent family
00:00:52.660 who had shouted at my mum.
00:00:54.220 My dad ran away.
00:00:55.540 And this man came into my life
00:00:57.760 and he's the biggest blessing
00:00:58.700 that's ever happened to me.
00:00:59.760 So, like, honestly, don't,
00:01:01.100 I know this is a random spur, sorry,
00:01:02.540 it's just emotion speaking.
00:01:03.780 It's the most important thing.
00:01:05.200 It's the only thing that could potentially eclipse
00:01:08.280 the heartbreak of not knowing your real father
00:01:11.000 or your real mum.
00:01:11.780 If someone's strong enough,
00:01:13.460 manly enough or woolly enough to come in
00:01:14.900 and take that role,
00:01:16.100 it doesn't fill the void permanently,
00:01:17.760 permanently, but it does help.
00:01:19.760 It helps heal the heart so much.
00:01:22.020 And it puts that male energy as well
00:01:24.080 that you probably need to go in.
00:01:25.220 Yeah, but the issue is,
00:01:26.460 it's just a bad deal for guys, to be honest,
00:01:29.180 to date a single mother.
00:01:31.020 But you say that, though.
00:01:32.080 Yeah, but you're the same fact.
00:01:32.580 I could call my step that right now
00:01:33.680 and I'll tell you for a fact.
00:01:35.320 I know, but I'm not talking about you.
00:01:36.620 He hit the jackpot.
00:01:37.620 Right, I'm not talking about you.
00:01:39.360 I'm talking about in general.
00:01:40.680 I'm a hypocrite on that
00:01:43.020 because I was raised by a single mother.
00:01:45.860 My mother to me is an angel,
00:01:47.580 but I wouldn't want to go with a woman
00:01:49.300 who already has a child.
00:01:50.440 And that's just no disrespect.
00:01:51.840 It's just like, for me,
00:01:52.860 for me, I just wouldn't want to do that
00:01:56.000 because it's a lot to take from
00:01:58.180 and there's another man in this situation.
00:02:00.540 I don't want to have to deal with that.
00:02:02.420 But at the same time, I'm a single mum.
00:02:04.280 Yeah, I'm a single mum.
00:02:05.520 And at the same time,
00:02:06.400 when you want to meet me,
00:02:07.660 you already know that I have a child.
00:02:09.860 And obviously, she will be my number one priority.
00:02:12.880 It doesn't matter, no matter what.
00:02:14.680 Even myself, I'm going to put myself last.
00:02:16.780 And that's why it's kind of a respect from me
00:02:19.040 is because I'm like,
00:02:20.360 I can't make a mistake
00:02:22.700 with a woman who's got a child.
00:02:24.640 There's that fucking Jerry Maguire movie
00:02:26.560 where it's like, you don't shop the putty.
00:02:28.580 You don't mess around with a woman
00:02:30.660 who's got a child already.
00:02:31.940 You have to treat her with a lot of respect.
00:02:33.520 It's a more dangerous situation
00:02:35.840 because people get hurt more.
00:02:37.080 Well, and you're supposed to put your...
00:02:39.100 I disagree with what you're saying.
00:02:40.600 What do you disagree with?
00:02:41.940 Yeah, I mean, yeah,
00:02:43.220 you have to put respect and all that.
00:02:45.600 But because I'm a single mum,
00:02:47.800 doesn't mean I'm a very weak person.
00:02:50.120 I'm more stronger than ever.
00:02:52.340 No, what I mean is
00:02:53.400 because there's a child involved,
00:02:54.660 I treat it more seriously
00:02:56.280 than if it's just me and a girl.
00:02:58.160 And if our feelings get hurt,
00:02:59.820 that's one thing.
00:03:01.180 But when there's a child involved,
00:03:02.600 that's a whole bigger situation.
00:03:03.920 And that's why I wouldn't...
00:03:05.040 I agree, I agree.
00:03:05.540 I would be more...
00:03:07.100 Oh, is this what I want to do?
00:03:08.420 I'd be sick.
00:03:08.820 Yeah, but at the same time,
00:03:09.500 if you can be straightforward
00:03:11.000 and at the point and honest
00:03:12.620 and to have an open conversation with me,
00:03:15.120 obviously we can agree.
00:03:16.920 And if things are not working out,
00:03:18.680 that's completely fine.
00:03:19.500 I'm not going to get upset.
00:03:20.360 I'm not going to be depressed
00:03:21.140 because you don't want to be in the lab.
00:03:22.260 That's your...
00:03:22.980 And look, that's you,
00:03:23.980 but I don't know every girl's a strong child.
00:03:25.840 Yeah, yeah, of course.
00:03:26.380 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:03:27.580 I'm talking just about myself.
00:03:29.160 Well, but there's a couple issues
00:03:30.980 because one, if they raise...
00:03:32.760 In the UK, if you raise someone else's kid,
00:03:34.920 you have no rights to that kid.
00:03:36.220 So it's like you could bond with the kid
00:03:37.660 for 10 years and you have no rights to it.
00:03:39.540 Dude, if you've got your own kid,
00:03:40.900 you've got no rights to it if you're a man.
00:03:42.120 Yeah.
00:03:42.780 So go to look with someone else's kid.
00:03:44.680 Right, but at least your genes are passed on.
00:03:47.680 But if you think of it from a genetic point of view,
00:03:49.920 there's no reason for a guy to date a single mom.
00:03:52.520 Yeah, but it's never about the legalities of genetics.
00:03:54.620 It's about...
00:03:55.280 How you're feeling.
00:03:55.820 It's about the impression you leave
00:03:57.340 on another fellow human being.
00:03:58.440 I've just told you I've spoken about a stepfather
00:04:01.180 more fondly than I did about my own father.
00:04:04.720 That's worth something, surely.
00:04:06.420 And I know we're not making it about me,
00:04:08.040 but God, Jesus Christ, man,
00:04:10.080 someone out there must understand
00:04:11.820 it's a beautiful thing to raise a child that's not yours.
00:04:15.200 And I think that sounds nice.
00:04:17.160 It sounds really nice,
00:04:18.480 but you know if you had a son,
00:04:19.540 you wouldn't encourage...
00:04:20.360 If he had no kids,
00:04:21.120 you're not going to encourage him to date a single mom.
00:04:23.040 If I met a woman who was beautiful
00:04:24.780 and gave me everything that I wanted,
00:04:26.300 but just so happened to have a child,
00:04:28.440 you think I'm going to say no
00:04:29.300 because a child isn't...
00:04:30.260 I think you should.
00:04:31.020 I think that's not very wise, to be honest.
00:04:33.480 But I wouldn't be the person I am today
00:04:35.160 if my stepfather didn't take ownership.
00:04:36.380 And again, I think that's great for you.
00:04:38.460 And I think you ended up in a good situation.
00:04:40.840 But I think nowadays it's like
00:04:42.160 you have so much to risk
00:04:44.300 going into relationships as a guy.
00:04:46.180 Like you have so much to...
00:04:47.960 Like you might not even understand it.
00:04:49.620 I just know because I'm doing this documentary
00:04:51.260 in the court system.
00:04:52.600 So, and it's like you could spend five years
00:04:55.080 of your time, attention, and resources
00:04:56.900 and she can leave on a dime.
00:04:58.460 I mean, they're already leaving the father of their kids.
00:05:01.180 Yeah.
00:05:01.780 Like what is she going to...
00:05:02.420 It's happened to me before.
00:05:03.300 I mean, one of the last relationships I was in
00:05:06.180 with the mother of one of my children,
00:05:08.520 she already had three children
00:05:12.120 when I first met her.
00:05:13.960 We've got a child together,
00:05:15.640 but she already had three children,
00:05:17.320 three beautiful children.
00:05:18.580 We were in a relationship for, you know, five years.
00:05:22.720 In that time, I became somewhat
00:05:25.100 these children's real father.
00:05:27.600 You know what I mean?
00:05:28.140 I'm there with them every day.
00:05:29.720 I'm doing the school runs,
00:05:31.300 picking them up, parents' evenings,
00:05:33.540 you know, doctor's appointments,
00:05:35.000 all those kinds of things.
00:05:35.920 And then once our relationship had finished,
00:05:39.360 I no longer had any rights to those children.
00:05:42.700 You know what I mean?
00:05:43.180 I built up this beautiful relationship.
00:05:45.040 I look at them no different
00:05:46.500 from my own biological children.
00:05:48.440 You know what I mean?
00:05:49.000 They were my children.
00:05:50.020 They are...
00:05:50.540 Even to this day, they still are my children.
00:05:53.180 However, I don't have the same level of...
00:05:55.400 Was their dad involved over there,
00:05:57.440 like helping or was he around?
00:05:58.620 He's about, but he's not about, about.
00:06:00.720 You know what I mean?
00:06:01.440 And even the way that he would raise the children
00:06:05.640 would be slightly different
00:06:06.580 from the way that I would raise children.
00:06:08.280 You know what I mean?
00:06:08.820 So we have our differences in that.
00:06:11.060 Everyone is different anyway.
00:06:12.740 And that's the other issue I've heard.
00:06:15.800 It's like, does she respect your authority
00:06:18.080 over the kids because they're not your kids?
00:06:20.200 Well, it depends how long you've been together.
00:06:22.000 Because obviously,
00:06:22.700 if you're in the beginning of your relationship,
00:06:24.860 it's not gonna...
00:06:25.420 But if you're not respecting him in the beginning,
00:06:27.280 how does he know you'll respect him in the future?
00:06:28.900 You're respecting him,
00:06:30.300 but in the same time,
00:06:31.020 you have to build that trust over time.
00:06:33.260 How did you feel, bro?
00:06:34.140 Just out of curiosity,
00:06:35.060 giving back to those three kids.
00:06:36.620 Would you see it as some people insinuating
00:06:38.620 as something that you wouldn't encourage
00:06:40.760 your next man to go through?
00:06:41.660 You know what?
00:06:42.140 Do you regret it at all?
00:06:43.680 I don't regret it.
00:06:44.900 I don't regret it.
00:06:45.660 I mean, I think it's taken a mental toll on me.
00:06:48.100 However, I don't regret it.
00:06:49.440 I feel like the input which I put into those children's lives,
00:06:52.360 you know, has been positive.
00:06:53.680 And I think that one day when they grow up,
00:06:55.840 they will really appreciate it.
00:06:57.540 A hundred percent.
00:06:58.320 But what have you sacrificed?
00:06:59.500 And that's what I'm saying.
00:07:00.640 Yeah.
00:07:01.000 It's like,
00:07:01.660 I wouldn't even like to have a breakup with a girl
00:07:03.780 and her keep the dog.
00:07:04.780 It would fucking...
00:07:05.180 I love dogs.
00:07:05.860 So do I.
00:07:06.680 So do I.
00:07:07.260 Let alone,
00:07:08.340 like me attaching myself to a child
00:07:11.000 and feeling like,
00:07:11.760 I love this kid.
00:07:12.680 I feel like it's mine,
00:07:13.940 but it is like literally nothing to do with me
00:07:16.540 after that day.
00:07:17.640 And then after five years...
00:07:18.240 Would you encourage your son to do it?
00:07:21.980 To do what?
00:07:22.740 I wouldn't...
00:07:23.280 You know,
00:07:23.660 I'm...
00:07:24.660 Personally,
00:07:25.060 I believe in hope
00:07:25.880 and, you know,
00:07:27.300 the positivity.
00:07:28.320 So I would hope that,
00:07:29.580 you know,
00:07:29.780 if my son did go into that situation,
00:07:32.080 he would be able to make the right decisions
00:07:34.240 to make that relationship last
00:07:35.960 and stick it out for the long run.
00:07:38.580 Because as I say,
00:07:39.720 you know,
00:07:39.980 a child needs a father.
00:07:41.380 Exactly.
00:07:42.160 And if you can be that positive role,
00:07:44.240 a male role model in someone's life,
00:07:45.840 then be it.
00:07:46.320 Don't you think that's on her
00:07:47.420 to get back with the dad of her kids?
00:07:49.280 Like,
00:07:49.620 isn't it better if the actual dad
00:07:51.160 is in their lives?
00:07:52.580 Yeah.
00:07:53.300 Of course,
00:07:54.020 of course.
00:07:54.300 And so my question is,
00:07:56.440 if she's leaving the...
00:07:57.400 And I'm not talking about your personal stories,
00:07:59.800 but if she's leaving the mother,
00:08:01.660 like the father of her kids,
00:08:03.080 which more likely than not she did,
00:08:05.360 it's like,
00:08:06.740 what incentive does she have
00:08:08.320 to stay with you
00:08:09.260 if she didn't even make it work
00:08:10.700 with the guy who she had a child with?
00:08:12.280 Because we don't know.
00:08:13.240 We don't know that the dad
00:08:14.540 that she was with,
00:08:15.420 he might have been abusing her physically.
00:08:17.520 He might have been...
00:08:18.080 Well, and there's a little bit
00:08:18.920 of a red pill on abuse.
00:08:20.300 Not as many women
00:08:21.100 that say they were abused
00:08:22.220 were abused.
00:08:22.980 And a lot of people don't know this
00:08:24.080 because of the way
00:08:24.660 the family court system is.
00:08:26.320 You have to ask
00:08:26.920 if they filed a criminal case,
00:08:28.280 and if the answer is no,
00:08:29.160 they may not have been.
00:08:30.300 Because the family court,
00:08:31.500 you don't need any evidence
00:08:32.460 to accuse and even
00:08:33.620 sort of prosecute
00:08:35.600 where there's legal consequences
00:08:37.040 a guy of abuse.
00:08:39.240 So there's a lot of girls
00:08:40.380 that go around saying
00:08:41.060 they were abused
00:08:41.560 and they weren't.
00:08:43.400 I just think it's a good thing to do,
00:08:45.220 and I don't want to lose hope
00:08:46.140 in you, man.
00:08:46.540 I wouldn't go as far
00:08:49.140 to say that if you were
00:08:50.260 to date a girl
00:08:51.200 who as a child
00:08:51.980 exclusively makes you a coward,
00:08:54.040 but because of my
00:08:54.900 personal experience,
00:08:55.600 fuck it.
00:08:55.900 I'm going to say it.
00:08:56.360 It definitely doesn't make you
00:08:57.040 a coward,
00:08:57.420 but you have to definitely
00:08:58.140 be scarce going into
00:08:59.300 that situation
00:09:00.640 knowingly knowing that.
00:09:03.060 I mean, I would just say
00:09:04.320 don't do it,
00:09:05.120 to be honest.
00:09:05.600 So are you supposed
00:09:06.600 to just write them
00:09:07.840 off them?
00:09:08.760 Because to me,
00:09:09.820 it feels like that's what...
00:09:10.820 I think that men
00:09:12.160 deserve to have standards.
00:09:13.500 Yeah, and if I know a guy
00:09:14.660 and I think he's a good man
00:09:15.780 and he's worked hard
00:09:16.540 to build a good career
00:09:18.120 and he has a lot going for him,
00:09:19.760 I would never tell him
00:09:20.940 to risk that
00:09:21.540 by dating a single mother.
00:09:22.860 I don't have anything
00:09:23.620 personal against single mothers,
00:09:25.380 but if I'm talking
00:09:26.420 to my brother
00:09:26.980 or someone I love,
00:09:28.560 no, I wouldn't want
00:09:29.760 them to do that.
00:09:30.800 Okay.
00:09:31.060 Because I mean,
00:09:31.340 looking back at the situation,
00:09:32.920 how much of my finances
00:09:34.060 really went into
00:09:34.860 raising these children
00:09:35.720 and they're not actually
00:09:36.720 my children?
00:09:37.620 And what did you get out of it?
00:09:39.040 How much of my time?
00:09:39.680 Yeah.
00:09:40.200 I haven't got much out of it.
00:09:41.160 You did, you did.
00:09:42.380 You did.
00:09:43.160 You referred to them
00:09:43.860 as three beautiful.
00:09:45.280 You are passionate about them.
00:09:47.660 You care about them
00:09:48.580 and they care about you.
00:09:49.780 No, but we have to remember
00:09:50.360 he's not disposable.
00:09:51.520 Their mom could just
00:09:52.180 turn around to me
00:09:53.000 and say,
00:09:53.280 no, it's another guy
00:09:55.500 that's not going to come into
00:09:56.320 the children's life.
00:09:58.120 If it is your kid biologically,
00:09:59.660 what makes you think
00:10:00.620 that the woman
00:10:00.980 is going to stay with you
00:10:01.760 more so than
00:10:02.420 if it's not your kid?
00:10:03.280 If she wants to leave you,
00:10:04.040 she's going to leave you
00:10:04.580 regardless if it's your kid,
00:10:05.440 if it's your dog,
00:10:05.940 if it's your cat.
00:10:06.340 Right, right, right.
00:10:07.260 But what's the best predictor
00:10:08.480 of future behavior?
00:10:09.720 Yes.
00:10:10.260 Past behavior.
00:10:11.100 So if she's done it before,
00:10:12.720 she's likely to do it again.
00:10:14.460 But we need to understand why.
00:10:16.380 No, but you need to know
00:10:17.280 what's to say that she...
00:10:19.520 The why is very important.
00:10:20.720 Right, but something's wrong
00:10:22.580 with her decision making.
00:10:23.920 Okay, something's wrong.
00:10:24.840 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:10:26.780 Something is wrong, okay,
00:10:28.000 because I genuinely believe
00:10:29.180 everything in life
00:10:29.940 is your own goddamn fault.
00:10:31.620 You are the product
00:10:32.500 of your choices, okay?
00:10:34.160 So if she is a single mother,
00:10:35.560 she either likes abusive
00:10:36.800 and toxic men,
00:10:37.720 which means you won't live up
00:10:39.140 because she likes the drama,
00:10:40.500 she likes something about it,
00:10:41.520 that's what she picks.
00:10:42.820 Or she leaves when it gets hard.
00:10:46.860 But maybe there's other situations.
00:10:49.320 But what about if,
00:10:51.540 okay, you're saying,
00:10:53.520 okay, she's the one that left.
00:10:54.880 Okay, let's flip it and reverse it.
00:10:57.440 He was the one that left her
00:10:59.340 and then made her a single mother.
00:11:01.620 Do you feel that she now,
00:11:04.120 because he decided to walk away
00:11:06.680 from the responsibility
00:11:07.760 because it got too much for him,
00:11:10.180 would you feel that it's okay
00:11:12.140 for her to just be right off
00:11:14.080 because he chose to leave?
00:11:15.260 I would say she has a poor choice in men.
00:11:18.420 Yeah, I would say that says...
00:11:20.080 How could you say...
00:11:21.080 How could you...
00:11:21.800 Yeah, you're still blaming her.
00:11:23.580 No, I think he shouldn't leave.
00:11:25.600 I think it's wrong for him to leave.
00:11:26.940 But I know too much about the court system here.
00:11:29.700 Like, I know too much.
00:11:30.960 A lot of women...
00:11:31.540 No, a lot of women
00:11:32.340 keep the kids away from the fathers.
00:11:34.800 They absolutely do.
00:11:36.280 And so a lot of men grow up
00:11:38.240 thinking their dad's a deadbeat
00:11:39.520 and he's not.
00:11:40.400 And that's another risk
00:11:42.300 you're going to get with the single mom.
00:11:43.660 You're only hearing her side of the story.
00:11:45.580 So you don't...
00:11:46.720 Right, so you don't know the full picture.
00:11:49.180 So if she's saying,
00:11:50.220 oh, he abused me, he this.
00:11:51.800 Well, now I know
00:11:52.720 that you're accusing a guy of abuse.
00:11:54.280 She could accuse you of abuse.
00:11:56.460 And because you don't know
00:11:57.520 if she's telling the truth.
00:11:58.940 No, I understand.
00:11:59.800 So, like, these are just all
00:12:01.380 risk factors that go up.
00:12:02.900 So I think men deserve to have standards.
00:12:05.080 I think men can demand,
00:12:06.360 I want an in-shape, childless woman.
00:12:08.360 I think men have every right to say that
00:12:10.180 and they should.
00:12:11.540 Because genuinely,
00:12:12.540 I think women wouldn't leave as much
00:12:14.260 if men stopped putting up with this.
00:12:16.280 If women knew,
00:12:17.280 if I have two kids
00:12:18.280 and I don't make this work,
00:12:19.660 nobody is going to want me.
00:12:21.180 I think they would figure it out a lot more.
00:12:23.900 But they always think
00:12:24.980 the grass is greener on the other side
00:12:26.760 and a lot of times it's not.
00:12:28.280 You know what?
00:12:28.780 Sometimes I have to disagree,
00:12:29.920 but in this instance,
00:12:30.680 she's kind of right.
00:12:31.880 No, no, no.
00:12:32.920 As many of you know,
00:12:34.080 I was just banned on TikTok
00:12:36.140 and we are demonetized
00:12:37.860 on a daily basis
00:12:39.120 on this platform.
00:12:41.020 If you want to help,
00:12:42.400 please consider sending
00:12:43.520 a super thanks below.
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00:12:46.760 and it helps make
00:12:47.600 what we do possible.