JustPearlyThings - Single Mother Recounting Divorce Decision

00:00:00.000 No offense to people watching this, but my mom and dad got divorced when I was four.

00:00:05.300 And it was because my dad cheated on her.

00:00:07.160 And I don't think anyone should, you know, I think cheating, I don't inherently think cheating is a good thing.

00:00:11.680 But I think, I sometimes wonder what would my life have looked like had they been together.

00:00:16.640 I wonder that every day.

00:00:17.600 And how would I have been?

00:00:18.540 You know, I'm grateful that I am the way I am now.

00:00:21.160 But I'm just saying, like, I know there's a lot of girls out there who have dysfunctional families 0.99

00:00:25.740 and don't have a father and mother that are together.

00:00:27.600 And I've seen people with who have their mother and father together.

00:00:30.500 And they're very different people.

00:00:31.980 The way they approach themselves, the way they talk to people, the way they react to situations,

00:00:35.980 they're just different people.

00:00:36.920 And I think that's beautiful.

00:00:38.220 And so, like, that's even, like, a reason, like, I want, I wish more people, more women and men would see,

00:00:42.820 oh, I want to have a healthy family.

00:00:44.000 I want to break the generational trauma, the generational disrupt, you know, the generational problems.

00:00:50.900 Do you ever wish you stayed?

00:00:52.700 Absolutely.

00:00:53.460 Really?

00:00:54.080 Yeah.

00:00:54.580 Wow.

00:00:54.780 I wish we could have worked it out.

00:00:56.780 Absolutely.

00:00:57.540 So what made you guys get divorced, if you don't mind me asking?

00:01:01.100 Well, I came to him and I gave him the very clear parameters.

00:01:05.420 I was like, listen, I figured this is happening.

00:01:07.500 It's undeniable.

00:01:08.320 We can't deny this is happening.

00:01:09.520 So let's just save our marriage and save our life.

00:01:12.320 We have a great life.

00:01:13.560 And so I said, you know, I need these three things to happen.

00:01:16.360 And not only did they not happen, but it got much, much worse.

00:01:18.980 And then it got dangerous.

00:01:19.860 And then it got violent.

00:01:20.720 And then it got scary.

00:01:21.540 And then I, you know, then I just felt like I didn't have a choice because things got so violent, dangerous, and scary.

00:01:28.340 So it weren't directly because of cheating?

00:01:31.320 Well, no.

00:01:32.000 Initially, it started off that way.

00:01:34.480 Because there's just so much lies and deceit and can I trust this person?

00:01:37.440 And then, but I really, really wanted to make it work.

00:01:40.900 I was like, why don't we, we'll just have an open marriage, which I knew would probably kill me inside.

00:01:44.340 But I was like, yeah, I even offered it.

00:01:45.760 You know, I was like, let's really, really, really wanted it.

00:01:48.460 I even gave him a contract for a second child.

00:01:50.400 I said, you don't have to pay for the child.

00:01:52.340 Like, I just, I really wanted the marriage to stay together.

00:01:55.260 But I just got scared.

00:01:56.620 So if it was just strictly cheating, do you think it would have worked out?

00:02:00.040 Then it would have been all right?

00:02:01.180 No.

00:02:02.440 Well, I needed certain things to change.

00:02:04.620 I needed some securities that weren't, that weren't, that weren't there.

00:02:08.320 Because I think, obviously, I'm not even going to say.

00:02:09.660 What do you mean securities?

00:02:10.140 Do you mind saying or no?

00:02:11.160 Well, when I found out that he was cheating, I also looked into like our life a little bit more deeply.

00:02:16.060 And I realized that absolutely nothing was in my name.

00:02:19.640 I had nothing.

00:02:21.140 And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm in a really vulnerable position here.

00:02:24.280 Because I never even thought about it.

00:02:26.420 And so then I was like, listen, I need to have some stake in our lives.

00:02:31.640 And it was a protective mechanism, clearly.

00:02:34.940 And he was like, no.

00:02:36.760 No way.

00:02:38.140 Can I ask a question?

00:02:39.340 So did you, did you put yourself in that situation where you wanted to make it work for Penelope?

00:02:45.540 For sure.

00:02:46.620 Only because you loved him so dearly.

00:02:48.500 Also, I still love him today.

00:02:50.300 And he's watching right now.

00:02:51.320 I mean, I was hoping he would come to London yesterday and have lunch with us.

00:02:54.440 I mean, is he still single?

00:02:57.580 Yeah, he's in a situation ship.

00:02:59.660 He's in a situation ship.

00:03:00.620 Okay, so nothing real.

00:03:02.240 Would you ever get back with him?

00:03:04.540 If, I mean, I would consider it.

00:03:06.020 Penelope thinks I'm crazy, but I talk about it all the time.

00:03:08.020 My dad would never get back with her.

00:03:09.960 So it's like, I don't, I don't know.

00:03:12.400 Can I ask the question?

00:03:13.620 Wait, let me ask him right now on camera.

00:03:15.360 No, no, don't do that.

00:03:16.220 But can I ask a question?

00:03:17.360 But why wouldn't you?

00:03:18.180 I know you said you would, you would, you're doing it for Penelope.

00:03:21.380 And I understand that.

00:03:22.100 Absolutely.

00:03:22.580 You can do anything to keep, I think people would do anything for their children.

00:03:27.800 But don't you think that you should love yourself more instead of after what he's done?

00:03:33.420 And I feel like you deserve better and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

00:03:36.300 I glorified what being a single parent was going to look like. 0.71

00:03:40.460 And it was crazy because I had a single mom, so I should have known better.

00:03:44.340 But honestly, I think it's modern day child abuse.

00:03:47.900 It is.

00:03:48.920 And I watched her growing up struggle so much as one person to do all the work at home.

00:03:56.260 Like just one person, no support.

00:03:57.820 I mean, it was so hard for you.

00:03:59.140 Like you were, I remember the nights you were like crying.

00:04:01.840 And it also struck a strong heart in my, and for me, it was like, I never want to have that.

00:04:07.620 And I will do anything and everything in my power to never create that for my future family.

00:04:12.140 Because that is so, it was so painful.

00:04:14.440 I don't wish that pain on anyone.

00:04:15.620 So if your man cheats, you're staying then?

00:04:19.220 Yeah, because if I have a family, I make a vow.

00:04:22.660 I make a vow.

00:04:24.040 I make a vow to God, to higher power, that I will stick with this person for the rest of my life.

00:04:29.060 Of course.

00:04:29.640 I thought that I did that with your father too, but you know, it happened.

00:04:32.440 But I can never make up for that, for you not having a dad growing up.

00:04:34.700 And there was a spiritual, like there was a spiritual disconnection there.

00:04:39.060 Well, our values were different.

00:04:40.720 I thought we were in a monogamous relationship, but I, you know, found out otherwise.

00:04:44.860 And maybe it was a phase.

00:04:46.140 I don't know.

00:04:46.940 Maybe you can't change people.

00:04:47.960 I don't know.

00:04:48.880 But, you know, it's sad.

00:04:50.220 I mean, guys, he still admits to this day, he regrets what he did.

00:04:53.020 He wished he didn't do what he did.

00:04:54.460 And he wishes he could have changed certain things.

00:04:57.120 So he's not like, doesn't have any remorse.

00:04:59.080 Because I just feel like majority, not all, majority of men do, at some point in their life, will cheat.

00:05:06.520 They will.

00:05:06.940 In a relationship.

00:05:07.600 They will.

00:05:07.960 And if every woman leaves a man for cheating, the majority of women will be single. 1.00

00:05:12.000 Then you have all these, you know, motherless and fatherless families.

00:05:14.140 But I think that's the thing.

00:05:15.520 We're never, like, we're never, as women, we're never told, like, how men are naturally. 0.92

00:05:20.460 And like, men just want to screw everything.

00:05:22.100 So it's like, we've kind of been told that if we get cheated on, it's the worst thing ever.

00:05:26.120 And it can't be worked through.

00:05:27.320 Is that because the man isn't in the house?

00:05:29.980 There's a lot of fatherless women. 1.00

00:05:31.780 I think that most of society's problem really, like, come back to single mother homes, to be honest. 0.99

00:05:38.000 Like, if you look at the prison population, it's like 80% single mother homes.

00:05:41.720 If you look at youth suicides, you're way more likely to be abused as a child.

00:05:46.860 You're way more like, every big, I spoke to a homeless shelter director down the street.

00:05:52.540 And I said, why, why, like, are these people homeless?

00:05:55.600 Like, because he has, like, the worst type of homeless, which is, like, the street sleepers, 0.99

00:05:59.080 because there's different, like, levels.

00:06:00.260 There's people living in cars.

00:06:01.240 There's whatever.

00:06:02.220 And he told me that he, that most of these people came from single mother homes,

00:06:10.380 especially with, like, multiple baby daddies or, like, whatever.

00:06:13.540 And the kids that got ended up getting taken and, like, put in the system.

00:06:16.900 And they don't know any sense of stability or function.

00:06:19.880 And so if you look at all the, like, major issues in society,

00:06:23.900 a lot are linked to single mother homes.

00:06:25.680 And single father homes don't have the same outcomes. 0.92

00:06:27.880 It's not as bad.

00:06:28.760 If you're seeing a lot of, if you grow up in a single household,

00:06:32.040 or you see a breakup, then in your head, it might seem like,

00:06:36.260 like, what you were saying with your mom, you can, you can do this.

00:06:39.320 Because your mom will grow up in a single home. 1.00

00:06:41.200 So you might see it as, this is something, it's not easy, but it's something I can do.

00:06:45.600 And then when, only when you go through it, you realize that, right, this is mad.

00:06:48.700 But if we have a lot more family units in the house and working at things,

00:06:53.840 then the children get to see, like, okay, my mom and dad went through this,

00:06:58.160 but they managed to go through this route to help.

00:07:01.660 And because I've been through my inner relationship where I've gone therapy

00:07:04.940 and I've gone places to fix things, you get what I'm saying?

00:07:07.940 And even when you was talking about therapy earlier,

00:07:10.040 I don't think therapy is there to fix things.

00:07:12.100 It's just there for you to help.

00:07:13.700 I don't think therapy is there to fix.

00:07:16.840 I think it's there to help you understand triggers

00:07:19.540 and understand certain things for you to maneuver.

00:07:22.460 It can never, therapy can never fix nothing.

00:07:24.960 No, it can't.

00:07:25.440 And I, honestly, to be very honest with you,

00:07:27.320 after going to therapy for eight years, maybe 12,

00:07:30.380 I don't believe in therapy.

00:07:32.520 I hear that, yeah.

00:07:32.880 There are other ways to fix your problems,

00:07:34.460 and you can also just really get over yourself, honestly.

00:07:36.480 I just decided to get over myself, and that's basically how I fix it.

00:07:39.660 Well, I think that therapy, like, it's outsourcing families.

00:07:43.360 It is.

00:07:44.060 Because, like, usually you would go to your siblings,

00:07:46.320 or you'd go to, because your mother is going to have a completely different take. 1.00

00:07:50.300 Like, let's say if you're in an argument with your boyfriend,

00:07:52.840 she's going to have a completely different take on the situation 0.94

00:07:55.520 because she knows you, and she knows your positive and your negative traits.

00:07:59.240 So it's like if I tell my mom, like, oh, this person reacted to me this way,

00:08:03.120 your mom's going to be like, well, maybe you did this.

00:08:06.560 And people are scared for that realness, isn't it?

00:08:08.260 What, what?

00:08:08.680 People are scared of that real truth sometimes.

00:08:10.520 No, I just think that the therapist doesn't have that information.

00:08:13.420 They didn't grow up with you.

00:08:14.520 But, like, who knows your daughter better than you?

00:08:16.500 But that's what I'm saying.

00:08:17.060 She might be scared to go to her mom because she's going to get that harsh reality, 0.98

00:08:20.940 and sometimes people don't want the harsh reality.

00:08:22.980 You know what I'm saying?

00:08:23.480 No, I love it.

00:08:24.120 She raised me that way, though.

00:08:25.460 Yeah.

00:08:25.640 Yeah.

00:08:25.860 Like, the way people raise their children dictates also relationships.

00:08:29.520 100%.

00:08:29.800 It dictates how people react.

00:08:30.800 And so she raised me, giving me the hard truth since I was little.

00:08:33.120 And I hated it.

00:08:34.080 I mean, I would scream at you and cry.

00:08:35.660 I used to hate her with my whole being.

00:08:37.320 But that's what I'm saying.

00:08:38.300 No one likes the truth.

00:08:39.320 No, no, no.

00:08:39.600 I used to hate her. 0.84

00:08:40.420 But now I love her.

00:08:41.660 And I give her, like, all the props to being honest with me when I didn't want to hear it.

00:08:45.180 Yeah.

00:08:45.320 She told me I was fat.

00:08:46.340 She was like, Penelope, you need to get up and go work out. 0.70

00:08:48.580 Like, she reminded me of that every day.

00:08:50.220 I love that.

00:08:51.040 That's good.

00:08:51.600 That's so funny.

00:08:52.320 I used to get mad at my mom.

00:08:53.580 I wasn't that big, but I was, like, kept her pretty chunky.

00:08:56.760 And my mom would always be, like, on me because I was just this diehard, like, tomboy.

00:09:01.160 And I just didn't want to, like, look.

00:09:03.120 And I still struggle with it to this day.

00:09:05.040 But I'm like, oh, my God.

00:09:05.980 I would be so much worse if my mom wasn't, like, on me all the time. 0.98

00:09:09.640 Because when you're a kid, you're just like, Mom.

00:09:11.500 Like, I don't want to.

00:09:12.080 And she's like, she has her master's in nutrition.

00:09:15.220 She's trained thousands of people.

00:09:16.540 And I'm like, I don't want you to tell me what to eat.

00:09:18.640 Like, I don't want you to tell me how to live, how to work out.

00:09:20.640 But I would sit in my room, like, obese, fat, you know, crying.

00:09:24.260 I was depressed.

00:09:25.280 In my dark room all day.

00:09:26.660 And she'd be, like, open the curtains, rip the curtains open, be like, 1.00

00:09:29.340 Oh, my God, I better feel good at my bed now.

00:09:31.680 You know, I'm going to take your phone away.

00:09:33.480 And I was like, it was, like, really intense.

00:09:35.420 She was angry.

00:09:36.120 But those are the kind of parents that you need.

00:09:37.540 But I needed that because this world is cruel.

00:09:39.880 And I've been through some bad things.

00:09:41.940 And having that, her mentality that she raised me with, being honest and saying,

00:09:45.440 Penelope, you need to get up.

00:09:46.560 No, Penelope, this is not true.

00:09:47.860 You know, men, there are men and women.

00:09:49.100 Like, these are important things she taught me.

00:09:50.800 It's kind of funny, like, the day you realize your parents were right about everything.

00:09:54.580 It's like, you just wake up one day and you're like, oh.

00:09:57.300 It comes in your late 20s.

00:09:58.440 I have.

00:09:59.200 I was, like, around 21 or 22 for me.

00:10:01.960 I was like, oh, my gosh, my mom and dad raised me so well.

00:10:05.540 And they were right about everything they told me.

00:10:07.540 We never listened.

00:10:08.200 I told them both that.

00:10:08.980 We never listened through our teenage years.

00:10:11.280 Except for relationships.

00:10:13.200 Oh, yeah.

00:10:13.680 I'm not listening to them for relationship advice.

00:10:15.100 I've got no relationship advice.

00:10:15.440 I'm in the best relationship compared to those two.

00:10:17.940 Yeah.

00:10:18.300 Yeah.

00:10:19.420 Yeah.

00:10:19.820 Well, do you like the guy she's dating?

00:10:21.440 Very much.

00:10:22.300 Yeah.

00:10:22.540 I mean, I think that mothers, like, actually, we should ask our parents about the people we date.

00:10:27.840 Yeah.

00:10:28.080 And I actually, he met my mom and my dad.

00:10:30.020 And I wouldn't have been with him if they didn't like him.

00:10:32.480 Yeah.

00:10:33.320 Period.

00:10:33.780 Because that's just how it should be.

00:10:35.680 But man liked that as well.

00:10:36.640 Because even the girl that I'm seeing now, her family unit is strong.

00:10:39.340 And I feel like it wouldn't have worked if her mom or things didn't like man.

00:10:43.860 Do you get what I'm saying?

00:10:44.480 Totally.

00:10:44.980 And my family is, like, my most important thing.

00:10:46.660 But man, respect that.

00:10:47.940 Once the family is important to you.

00:10:49.640 Totally.

00:10:50.020 And close to you, like, I feel like men respect women more when they have that family dynamic.

00:10:57.080 Whether the, even if the dad's not there, if the dad's there, obviously he's going to respect it a lot more, isn't it?

00:11:02.400 Because he's going to come differently.

00:11:03.960 But if he knows you have a strong support unit with mom, cousins, aunties, whatever, yeah?

00:11:10.580 He is going to respect you a lot more than if a girl doesn't really have the same kind of support.

00:11:15.160 We're asking how you find a good woman, and I also find it really challenging to know when you find a good man.

00:11:20.020 I mean, I think by now at 47, you know, it's challenging to find a good man.

00:11:24.340 I think I found one whose values align, but it's not that easy.

00:11:29.320 It's not easy.

00:11:29.900 It's not easy.

JustPearlyThings - May 12, 2023

Single Mother Recounting Divorce Decision

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