Single Mother Recounting Divorce Decision
Episode Stats
Words per minute
232.80286
Harmful content
Misogyny
11
sentences flagged
Hate speech
4
sentences flagged
Summary
In this episode, I sit down with my ex-wife, Penelope, to talk about cheating, divorce, and what it was like growing up in a broken family. She shares her story and how she dealt with the aftermath of her husband cheating on her.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
No offense to people watching this, but my mom and dad got divorced when I was four.
00:00:07.160
And I don't think anyone should, you know, I think cheating, I don't inherently think cheating is a good thing.
00:00:11.680
But I think, I sometimes wonder what would my life have looked like had they been together.
00:00:18.540
You know, I'm grateful that I am the way I am now.
00:00:21.160
But I'm just saying, like, I know there's a lot of girls out there who have dysfunctional families
0.99
00:00:25.740
and don't have a father and mother that are together.
00:00:27.600
And I've seen people with who have their mother and father together.
00:00:31.980
The way they approach themselves, the way they talk to people, the way they react to situations,
00:00:38.220
And so, like, that's even, like, a reason, like, I want, I wish more people, more women and men would see,
00:00:44.000
I want to break the generational trauma, the generational disrupt, you know, the generational problems.
00:00:57.540
So what made you guys get divorced, if you don't mind me asking?
00:01:01.100
Well, I came to him and I gave him the very clear parameters.
00:01:05.420
I was like, listen, I figured this is happening.
00:01:09.520
So let's just save our marriage and save our life.
00:01:13.560
And so I said, you know, I need these three things to happen.
00:01:16.360
And not only did they not happen, but it got much, much worse.
00:01:21.540
And then I, you know, then I just felt like I didn't have a choice because things got so violent, dangerous, and scary.
00:01:34.480
Because there's just so much lies and deceit and can I trust this person?
00:01:37.440
And then, but I really, really wanted to make it work.
00:01:40.900
I was like, why don't we, we'll just have an open marriage, which I knew would probably kill me inside.
00:01:45.760
You know, I was like, let's really, really, really wanted it.
00:01:52.340
Like, I just, I really wanted the marriage to stay together.
00:01:56.620
So if it was just strictly cheating, do you think it would have worked out?
00:02:04.620
I needed some securities that weren't, that weren't, that weren't there.
00:02:08.320
Because I think, obviously, I'm not even going to say.
00:02:11.160
Well, when I found out that he was cheating, I also looked into like our life a little bit more deeply.
00:02:16.060
And I realized that absolutely nothing was in my name.
00:02:21.140
And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm in a really vulnerable position here.
00:02:26.420
And so then I was like, listen, I need to have some stake in our lives.
00:02:39.340
So did you, did you put yourself in that situation where you wanted to make it work for Penelope?
00:02:51.320
I mean, I was hoping he would come to London yesterday and have lunch with us.
00:03:06.020
Penelope thinks I'm crazy, but I talk about it all the time.
00:03:18.180
I know you said you would, you would, you're doing it for Penelope.
00:03:22.580
You can do anything to keep, I think people would do anything for their children.
00:03:27.800
But don't you think that you should love yourself more instead of after what he's done?
00:03:33.420
And I feel like you deserve better and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
00:03:36.300
I glorified what being a single parent was going to look like.
0.71
00:03:40.460
And it was crazy because I had a single mom, so I should have known better.
00:03:44.340
But honestly, I think it's modern day child abuse.
00:03:48.920
And I watched her growing up struggle so much as one person to do all the work at home.
00:03:59.140
Like you were, I remember the nights you were like crying.
00:04:01.840
And it also struck a strong heart in my, and for me, it was like, I never want to have that.
00:04:07.620
And I will do anything and everything in my power to never create that for my future family.
00:04:19.220
Yeah, because if I have a family, I make a vow.
00:04:24.040
I make a vow to God, to higher power, that I will stick with this person for the rest of my life.
00:04:29.640
I thought that I did that with your father too, but you know, it happened.
00:04:32.440
But I can never make up for that, for you not having a dad growing up.
00:04:34.700
And there was a spiritual, like there was a spiritual disconnection there.
00:04:40.720
I thought we were in a monogamous relationship, but I, you know, found out otherwise.
00:04:50.220
I mean, guys, he still admits to this day, he regrets what he did.
00:04:54.460
And he wishes he could have changed certain things.
00:04:59.080
Because I just feel like majority, not all, majority of men do, at some point in their life, will cheat.
00:05:07.960
And if every woman leaves a man for cheating, the majority of women will be single.
1.00
00:05:12.000
Then you have all these, you know, motherless and fatherless families.
00:05:15.520
We're never, like, we're never, as women, we're never told, like, how men are naturally.
00:05:22.100
So it's like, we've kind of been told that if we get cheated on, it's the worst thing ever.
00:05:31.780
I think that most of society's problem really, like, come back to single mother homes, to be honest.
0.99
00:05:38.000
Like, if you look at the prison population, it's like 80% single mother homes.
00:05:41.720
If you look at youth suicides, you're way more likely to be abused as a child.
00:05:46.860
You're way more like, every big, I spoke to a homeless shelter director down the street.
00:05:52.540
And I said, why, why, like, are these people homeless?
00:05:55.600
Like, because he has, like, the worst type of homeless, which is, like, the street sleepers,
0.99
00:06:02.220
And he told me that he, that most of these people came from single mother homes,
00:06:10.380
especially with, like, multiple baby daddies or, like, whatever.
00:06:13.540
And the kids that got ended up getting taken and, like, put in the system.
00:06:16.900
And they don't know any sense of stability or function.
00:06:19.880
And so if you look at all the, like, major issues in society,
00:06:25.680
And single father homes don't have the same outcomes.
0.92
00:06:28.760
If you're seeing a lot of, if you grow up in a single household,
00:06:32.040
or you see a breakup, then in your head, it might seem like,
00:06:36.260
like, what you were saying with your mom, you can, you can do this.
00:06:39.320
Because your mom will grow up in a single home.
1.00
00:06:41.200
So you might see it as, this is something, it's not easy, but it's something I can do.
00:06:45.600
And then when, only when you go through it, you realize that, right, this is mad.
00:06:48.700
But if we have a lot more family units in the house and working at things,
00:06:53.840
then the children get to see, like, okay, my mom and dad went through this,
00:06:58.160
but they managed to go through this route to help.
00:07:01.660
And because I've been through my inner relationship where I've gone therapy
00:07:04.940
and I've gone places to fix things, you get what I'm saying?
00:07:07.940
And even when you was talking about therapy earlier,
00:07:16.840
I think it's there to help you understand triggers
00:07:19.540
and understand certain things for you to maneuver.
00:07:27.320
after going to therapy for eight years, maybe 12,
00:07:34.460
and you can also just really get over yourself, honestly.
00:07:36.480
I just decided to get over myself, and that's basically how I fix it.
00:07:39.660
Well, I think that therapy, like, it's outsourcing families.
00:07:44.060
Because, like, usually you would go to your siblings,
00:07:46.320
or you'd go to, because your mother is going to have a completely different take.
1.00
00:07:50.300
Like, let's say if you're in an argument with your boyfriend,
00:07:52.840
she's going to have a completely different take on the situation
0.94
00:07:55.520
because she knows you, and she knows your positive and your negative traits.
00:07:59.240
So it's like if I tell my mom, like, oh, this person reacted to me this way,
00:08:03.120
your mom's going to be like, well, maybe you did this.
00:08:06.560
And people are scared for that realness, isn't it?
00:08:08.680
People are scared of that real truth sometimes.
00:08:10.520
No, I just think that the therapist doesn't have that information.
00:08:14.520
But, like, who knows your daughter better than you?
00:08:17.060
She might be scared to go to her mom because she's going to get that harsh reality,
0.98
00:08:20.940
and sometimes people don't want the harsh reality.
00:08:25.860
Like, the way people raise their children dictates also relationships.
00:08:30.800
And so she raised me, giving me the hard truth since I was little.
00:08:41.660
And I give her, like, all the props to being honest with me when I didn't want to hear it.
00:08:46.340
She was like, Penelope, you need to get up and go work out.
0.70
00:08:53.580
I wasn't that big, but I was, like, kept her pretty chunky.
00:08:56.760
And my mom would always be, like, on me because I was just this diehard, like, tomboy.
00:09:05.980
I would be so much worse if my mom wasn't, like, on me all the time.
0.98
00:09:09.640
Because when you're a kid, you're just like, Mom.
00:09:12.080
And she's like, she has her master's in nutrition.
00:09:16.540
And I'm like, I don't want you to tell me what to eat.
00:09:18.640
Like, I don't want you to tell me how to live, how to work out.
00:09:20.640
But I would sit in my room, like, obese, fat, you know, crying.
00:09:26.660
And she'd be, like, open the curtains, rip the curtains open, be like,
1.00
00:09:36.120
But those are the kind of parents that you need.
00:09:41.940
And having that, her mentality that she raised me with, being honest and saying,
00:09:49.100
Like, these are important things she taught me.
00:09:50.800
It's kind of funny, like, the day you realize your parents were right about everything.
00:09:54.580
It's like, you just wake up one day and you're like, oh.
00:10:01.960
I was like, oh, my gosh, my mom and dad raised me so well.
00:10:05.540
And they were right about everything they told me.
00:10:13.680
I'm not listening to them for relationship advice.
00:10:15.440
I'm in the best relationship compared to those two.
00:10:22.540
I mean, I think that mothers, like, actually, we should ask our parents about the people we date.
00:10:30.020
And I wouldn't have been with him if they didn't like him.
00:10:36.640
Because even the girl that I'm seeing now, her family unit is strong.
00:10:39.340
And I feel like it wouldn't have worked if her mom or things didn't like man.
00:10:44.980
And my family is, like, my most important thing.
00:10:50.020
And close to you, like, I feel like men respect women more when they have that family dynamic.
00:10:57.080
Whether the, even if the dad's not there, if the dad's there, obviously he's going to respect it a lot more, isn't it?
00:11:03.960
But if he knows you have a strong support unit with mom, cousins, aunties, whatever, yeah?
00:11:10.580
He is going to respect you a lot more than if a girl doesn't really have the same kind of support.
00:11:15.160
We're asking how you find a good woman, and I also find it really challenging to know when you find a good man.
00:11:20.020
I mean, I think by now at 47, you know, it's challenging to find a good man.
00:11:24.340
I think I found one whose values align, but it's not that easy.