JustPearlyThings - The Insights On Modern Families And Child Development

00:00:00.640 what up guys welcome to the just pearly things youtube channel and welcome to the sit down today

00:00:07.440 i have a special guest welcome to the show katie how are you really good thanks for having me why

00:00:13.040 don't you why don't you introduce yourself to the people my name is katie faust i live in seattle

00:00:18.720 with my husband who's a pastor we've got four kids between the ages of in essence 14 and 20.

00:00:24.720 um i run a children's rights non-profit which looks at every marriage and family issue from the

00:00:30.000 perspective of children's right to their mother and father so if it has to do with marriage and

00:00:34.240 family whether it's the definition of marriage divorce same-sex parenting transgender parenting

00:00:39.200 cohabitation polygamy third-party reproduction surrogacy or adoption uh we insist that adults

00:00:45.840 conform to the rights of kids rather than insisting that kids sacrifice their fundamental rights

00:00:50.400 to fit in with what adults want so i tell everybody give me enough time and i will piss

00:00:55.280 you off too because that is a worldview that that really does demand that adults do hard things on

00:01:01.360 behalf of kids and our culture is messaging to adults that they need to do no such thing right

00:01:06.640 that the kids are resilient and you can do whatever you want and they functionally become accessories

00:01:11.120 and commodities um in our world today so we go very hard on all those issues because we consider them

00:01:17.760 all matters of justice for children so that's it and i have a new book that just came out this last

00:01:22.880 week called raising conservative kids in a woke city my co-author stacy and i um just kind of wrote

00:01:29.600 down how we've been able to inculcate our worldview in our kids even though we're living in one of the

00:01:34.880 bluest cities and largely sending our kids to public school what how did you my parents couldn't even do

00:01:40.480 that my sister's got blue hair and tattoos you know how the how did you pull that off all children

00:01:47.120 all of them conservative so far i mean like we're all the way through this parenting gig we've got

00:01:52.960 elementary school all the way up to college age kids um but and kids aren't robots it's not like

00:02:00.400 they can be programmed and you spit out these little you know automatons that's not how it works

00:02:04.720 but so far between our two families the seven kids boys and girls uh with a variety of different

00:02:10.640 personalities these kids are able to stand firm they know what they believe they can push back against

00:02:15.440 aggressive adults um they're happy i mean that's the other thing these days just having kids that

00:02:22.080 are joyous um when surrounded in this kind of culture so um we just felt like we you know it's

00:02:29.840 not like we came up with anything new we captured these timeless parenting principles and applied them

00:02:34.240 to our current day insane cultural moment um and it's worked for us in one of the most radically

00:02:40.480 progressive areas so we're pretty confident it can work for other people too yeah so how do you

00:02:47.360 how do you do that because my um my sis i think of my sister she we got we had a woke friend she made

00:02:53.360 her so liberal it was just one it was just one i was like how the the whole family's conservative

00:02:59.360 she finds one liberal friend and then she's got blue hair and tattoos i'm like what happened well it might

00:03:06.640 not be over for your sister um the reality is that reality is conservative yeah um and if she has

00:03:13.520 enough interactions and run in with the world without being rescued out of those consequences you

00:03:18.880 can't you can absolutely be a leftist if you live in an ideological cocoon yeah but not having close

00:03:25.200 contact with the realistic reality world the reality biological economic historical reality is going to

00:03:32.000 um reorder your priorities the thing is that the left has allowed uh people to live in these cocoons

00:03:38.640 um and not really have a lot of contact or diminish the kind of consequences they are experiencing with

00:03:43.360 the contact with reality so um i think that there's still hope for her but how do you do it um we talk

00:03:51.600 about how this is a slow handoff in terms of world view you cannot just say i'm going to teach you this

00:03:56.720 thing ding go into the world and it's going to be fine in essence it's a slow process of replicating

00:04:03.280 yourself in your kids in age-appropriate stages where you are first establishing kind of the good

00:04:09.520 and the true and the beautiful in elementary school and then you the parent introduce them

00:04:13.440 to the woke distortions so they know that you're the expert they know they can come to you and then

00:04:18.320 in high school you have to do the hard work of staying connected with them i mean i think a lot

00:04:23.520 of parents think well in high school that's where it's really going to get hard most of the worldview

00:04:28.240 installation is done by high school your job then is to maximize your emotional connection because

00:04:36.240 there are influences that are seeking to relationally pull them away i mean all of the kids

00:04:41.040 have experienced that you just have to double down and make sure that your emotional connection is

00:04:46.320 even stronger that's really hard when you've got more than one kid when they're in high school when

00:04:50.560 they're busy but that is for us that's where you put all your chips in high school yeah because i

00:04:55.600 think like we i have um i have nine siblings so big family too but i'm like i always think i knew so

00:05:02.400 many girls that were like conservative in high school and then they go to college and they come

00:05:06.000 out these like woke leftists yeah you know there's two errors that parents can fall into one is the uber

00:05:13.040 sheltering like we're going to keep all of this away from our kids and i think that that is a lot of the

00:05:17.200 instinct of what parents are feeling now because they really do see that the culture is at war

00:05:22.560 with them and specifically targeting their kids and the instinct is i am going to shelter them and

00:05:28.160 keep everything out and that's an appropriate response when they're young but once they get

00:05:32.960 to be about middle school we tell our kids we expect you to know more than everybody else about

00:05:38.240 socialism abortion homosexuality transgenderism the 1619 project critical race theory i mean we expect

00:05:44.880 you when you walk into a group of your friends to know more than everybody else you should be the

00:05:49.360 expert so we go really hard on world view training when they're around around 11 or 12. that sort of

00:05:55.920 inoculates kids against kind of the creeping virus that's going to be in their world and social media

00:06:02.000 curriculum friend groups um it's great when parents are the first and really you have to get to

00:06:07.440 them first about this because whoever gets to them first they automatically consider the expert

00:06:12.080 it's just all kinds of tactics you can use to not just ensconce your kids so that they fall apart

00:06:17.840 when they go to college which i think is what you've seen i've seen it the other thing is it's not

00:06:23.360 like it's not a laissez-faire parenting a lot of parents american parenting these days especially is

00:06:29.440 hands-off self-direct no boundaries no guidance like that is also wrong so you have to avoid these two

00:06:35.280 extremes yeah well because i was it's funny when you're talking i thought of my cousins i have like um

00:06:40.560 they're similar sized family right and it was like i think they had six kids or seven kids and um

00:06:46.960 homeschooled like they did the sheltered route and it was so crazy because one girl still came out

00:06:52.320 liberal i was like no no it's like half and half in that family on but i'm like this man did everything

00:06:58.880 he could they homeschooled their kids they did orthodox catholic mass i'm like how did i'm like how did

00:07:06.080 this this chick come out liberal too but it's really go ahead go ahead they got one half of the

00:07:12.000 equation right which is saturate your kids in truth beauty good values all of that but you cannot forsake

00:07:18.320 this and now we the parents are going to introduce you to what the world is going to tell you and the

00:07:23.760 lies and how to debunk it walk alongside you we have a whole chapter on this slow handoff of world

00:07:29.840 view what does that really look like because you can't go from hey this is a boy and this is a girl

00:07:34.720 to now i can debunk you when you're coming at me with your pronouns and you want me to lie about it

00:07:38.560 on a paper like there's a lot of years between the basics and then standing on your own and articulating

00:07:44.160 your own values so anyway we it can be done you can do it and you actually can create a lot of

00:07:50.960 sweetness and closeness with your kids in the process yeah that's awesome that's like that's very

00:07:55.760 needed in 2023 what okay so you said you work with children's rights i've never actually i'm going to

00:08:02.480 start using that word i've always said like men's rights father i've never even i always talk about

00:08:07.360 other kids come first but i've never used that phrasing i like that well our first book um then

00:08:13.280 before us why we need a global children's rights movement is sort of the manual for this because you

00:08:18.000 write um i get two responses from people on the right when i talk about children's rights they either go

00:08:24.640 uh don't use that term because the left has co-opted and adulterated it you know the left

00:08:30.720 uses the term children's rights to talk about a child's right to sexual pleasure or a child's right

00:08:35.440 to get testosterone from planned parenthood or a child's right to privacy to have their transgender

00:08:40.240 identity hidden from parents so we have to redeem the term rights because those things are not natural

00:08:46.400 rights but children do have a natural right to be known and loved by both people responsible for their

00:08:52.240 existence um you can come to this conclusion using natural law it's actually recognized in the most

00:08:57.920 widely ratified treaty in the world the un convention on the rights of the child so this is a a universal

00:09:04.640 right it applies to every child regardless of what country you live in um and it is foundational for

00:09:10.880 their thriving and their safety and their identity so we argue from the perspective of children's right to

00:09:17.120 their mother and father and when you understand how critical it is for kids to be connected to

00:09:21.600 both their mom and their dad it actually offers a lot of clarity on what might initially be perceived

00:09:28.320 as disconnected questions like when should we divorce and can i use a sperm donor and should we

00:09:34.400 shack up or whatever it is like those are not separate questions they're all manifestations of the same

00:09:40.400 question which is are you respecting or are you violating the rights of kids so wow this i have so many

00:09:47.680 questions so okay so what are the best policies we can pass in order to protect children's rights like

00:09:54.480 if you tomorrow they just gave you they say you're in charge of all the laws what would you do

00:10:03.040 i don't know what's happening like how much time do you have number one um number one um i actually would

00:10:11.120 say like we need a legislation codifying the fact that children have a right to their mother and father

00:10:16.800 because what happens when they don't i mean right now there's a huge resurgence in our country about

00:10:21.520 parental rights like i have a right to my own kid i have a right to direct their medical care their

00:10:25.760 upbringing um i i my children belong to me not the state not the teachers not the doctors get your hands

00:10:31.680 off my kids that is excellent but it's only one side of the coin like parents have a right to their

00:10:37.840 own kids children have a right to their parents parents care which kid they take home from the hospital

00:10:42.400 kids care which parent they go home with from the hospital okay and so when we simply look at

00:10:47.840 parental rights but we ignore children's rights what does that mean that means that children are

00:10:53.920 commodities to be cut and pasted into any and every adult relationship and there is only one adult

00:11:00.320 relationship that safeguards child's rights and that is the lifelong union of both their mother and

00:11:06.400 their father so number one codify like children's right to their mother and father once you do that

00:11:12.960 you immediately know what marriage is supposed to be it is not a vehicle for adult fulfillment

00:11:17.760 it is a matter of justice for children it is the primary way that we solve all of the social issues

00:11:24.400 that we're facing today from homelessness to child poverty to teen suicide and high school dropout and

00:11:30.720 teen pregnancy and high incarceration rates i mean like you cannot look at a social issue today

00:11:35.360 without drilling down and seeing that all of those demographics have something in common and that

00:11:40.880 is they are overpopulated with fatherless kids so marriage uniting when you unite a woman to the

00:11:49.600 child's father the child gets both their mother and father like that's historically what marriage has been

00:11:55.040 is a way to connect fathers to children because moms and kids are already connected they're connected by a

00:12:00.080 literal cord the challenge for every society has been how do you connect dad to the child

00:12:05.200 and every society throughout history has come to the same conclusion if you connect dad to mom

00:12:10.400 and mom's already connected to baby then you connect baby to dad so um we have truthful birth certificates

00:12:17.280 every kid has a truthful birth certificate with their genetic parents on the birth certificate even if they

00:12:23.440 end up being adopted later you don't adulterate a child's birth certificate you you allow for divorce when

00:12:30.640 somebody is at fault and then you punish the person at fault and you reward the spouse that's trying

00:12:35.600 to keep things together um you can permit adults to form consensual relationships but you only promote

00:12:42.480 the one relationship that unites the two people to whom children have a natural right you ban all third

00:12:47.840 party reproduction for heterosexuals homosexuals singles married third is that like um the egg stuff

00:12:55.920 like the okay okay so you would be never you never use somebody else's sperm somebody else's egg or

00:13:01.680 somebody else's womb it is always insisting that kids sacrifice something they have a natural right to

00:13:06.800 so you can have what you want and we drill down in the fact that adoption isn't for you adoption's

00:13:13.680 not for adults adoption's for kids and so i don't care whether you think you have a right to a child

00:13:18.480 you don't children have a right to be adopted adoption is for them not for you so okay i want

00:13:23.920 to go through a couple of those so what would you do with the out of wedlock births so obviously you

00:13:30.560 know you know we have more only fans if you count only fans and um cam work there's actually more

00:13:38.640 under the age of 35 there's more women doing that than um teachers and that doesn't even include say

00:13:47.680 women that use instagram to you know i mean there's low level sex work that is fairly if i had

00:13:53.760 to guess anecdotally and people will say i'm over exaggerating these numbers this just comes from

00:14:00.240 interviewing so many people under the age of 35 i had a very different view before i started this

00:14:06.640 i would guess it's closer to eight to ten percent of women that engage in sex some sort of sex work

00:14:12.480 in a not a happy way so it's not like with this society this is all gonna go away tomorrow so what

00:14:19.840 would happen with the the out of wedlock births and even so much so like i i've had a lot of chicks

00:14:27.520 that like have trapped a guy like he oh you're your birth case birth control band in your world

00:14:32.400 i don't know how oh no i'm a baptist so okay we think it's a bad idea but it's not biblically

00:14:38.240 prohibited okay okay don't kill babies is kind of where we yeah yeah fine fine but so with um with that

00:14:44.000 like you know there is the problem where women say they're on birth control they're not they end up

00:14:49.120 getting pregnant you know so what what do we do with all that stuff like what happened well generally

00:14:55.040 what you incentivize you get more of that's the bottom line yeah what are you incentivizing and

00:14:59.680 you know i think about like thomas soul said the black family survived centuries of slavery and jim

00:15:05.040 crow but they could not survive the liberal welfare state yeah it is the liberal welfare state that

00:15:09.280 destroyed the black family at the turn of the century in the 1900s black women out married white

00:15:14.320 women and so this is not a problem with black people are not able to form families it's that the

00:15:18.720 government helped them so much that they have destroyed the black family to the point where

00:15:23.200 71 of kids who are born to black mothers don't have a married father in the home and only 17 of black

00:15:30.800 kids will make it to their high school graduation only on the love of their married mother and father

00:15:37.280 83 of black kids are going to experience some kind of family disruption largely that is due to the state

00:15:42.880 incentivizing single motherlessness right that's happened across the board almost all of the welfare

00:15:48.480 spending increased since the 1980s is a result of the rise of single motherhood and you could say

00:15:53.840 that it's corollary that that these two things are feeding on each other so we can't we have to

00:15:59.680 incentivize men committing to the women that they're making babies with and then have them stay together

00:16:05.680 for life you can't control everybody's decision right there's a lot going on culturally there's a lot going on

00:16:10.800 technologically but what you can control needs to incentivize that lifelong union and for oh my gosh

00:16:18.480 you know 50 years we have been working in the reverse there's a marriage penalty for people that would

00:16:24.080 like to marry the parent of their child no i'm so with you i'm just wondering i'm just wondering what

00:16:29.360 would happen like because you said i can't remember how you phrased it exactly so you said

00:16:35.040 they would the kid would have a right to both of their parents um so does that mean like they if

00:16:40.720 they're if they conceive a child they have to marry or how does that work so i don't think that you can

00:16:46.880 necessarily say you must do this but you incentivize the right choice right you have to incentivize the

00:16:52.320 right choice you can do that through tax breaks you can do that through other incentives and benefits

00:16:56.720 and privileges like it should be privileged and actually you know unfortunately right now in the

00:17:03.200 united states uk as well it is you literally are prohibited from privileging the relationship of a child's

00:17:10.000 married biological parents because it's now considered discriminatory to say i mean in the

00:17:15.360 united states since obergefell since the supreme court legalized gay marriage in 2015 i have not

00:17:22.400 heard any official institution in the united states even say kids should have a mother and father even

00:17:29.280 saying they should have a mother and father is considered discriminatory so personally my non-profit uh

00:17:34.960 uh i'm just sick of that bs and i'm so sick of conservatives on the defense that we are going

00:17:42.320 to implement next year a legal policy to try to take back some of that ground um and do it in an

00:17:47.920 unconventional way because it is literally it's a matter of individual child thriving and thus national

00:17:53.600 thriving like we're kind of at a civilizational moment here are we going to get serious about this or not

00:17:58.160 yeah well and the other issue too is like oh gosh because i've just done so much with the i'm sure

00:18:03.360 you're familiar with how the family courts how difficult it is for men to get access you are 100

00:18:08.480 right i've been listening to a lot of your stuff you are correct on the diagnostic of how the family

00:18:17.200 courts and divorce law in general is stacked against fathers and it's criminal yeah yeah and it's like it's

00:18:24.400 the it was kind of like this realization i had where daddy issues more often than not it's kind

00:18:31.280 of a weird thing that happens when you start interviewing so many people you start to and

00:18:35.520 i'm sure this happens in your non-profit where you can say like i know that symptom that symptom that

00:18:40.960 symptom that's what went on i started to realize that most daddy issues were actually mommy issues

00:18:47.200 and more often than not the dad wanted to be in the kid's life and just the the mom was just in

00:18:53.200 their ear for 15 years and the kid had never heard the dad out not with like a fair trial you know like

00:19:00.640 i'm i've been in parental alienation groups where the kids were grew up where one parent was

00:19:07.280 specifically alienating get their parent and just washing the kids in lies about their other parent and

00:19:13.680 they grew up thinking he didn't want me he left me he ran off um he's such a bad guy and he is just

00:19:20.480 waiting in the wings ready for the kids to come to a realization so that they can and i've talked to

00:19:25.600 the dads and largely it's dads unfortunately it's largely dads it's not always dads but oh my gosh

00:19:32.880 the pain that these kids experience uh and then the anger once they realized that they could have had

00:19:39.120 a relationship with their father he wanted them all along and um and they believed a false narrative

00:19:44.960 about him it is so tragic and that honestly is why we have got to reward good behavior in marriage

00:19:52.320 and no fault divorce right now honestly gives the most power to the most poorly behaved spouse in a

00:19:58.240 lot of cases yeah well and see a lot of people it's so funny a lot of people not funny but a lot of people

00:20:03.840 will say like i'm anti-marriage and i'm actually like super super pro marriage i just don't see men i think

00:20:09.920 there's too many guys that have seen their dads and their grandpas get just wrecked either in divorce

00:20:15.920 or like or they just know someone that's been me like i'll do show after show and i'll say hey do

00:20:21.520 you guys do you guys know a guy that's been me too they'll raise their hand they'll be like do you

00:20:24.880 guys know a dad that can't access his kit and men are just kind of logical they just weigh the pros

00:20:30.160 and the cons and you know right now it's they're not really getting kids out of the women they're not

00:20:34.960 really getting purity and it's like until we start lowering the risk and raising the reward they're

00:20:40.960 like they're not going to do it but regardless of what i say do you know what i mean so i'm like

00:20:46.320 that's why i think our first issue needs to be lowering the risk like it just has to be lowering

00:20:53.360 the like because men just aren't going to do it anymore if we don't start lowering the risk and

00:20:58.000 increasing the reward so you're right um that the system is in many ways stacked against men i don't

00:21:04.560 see a better alternative though because i see the men who have rejected relationships out of fear

00:21:11.280 or um because they are because they haven't been well formed many times because they were broken as

00:21:17.520 a child like for them marriage looks risky because what they learned from marriage and then this is

00:21:22.480 actually true of girls too that watch their parents divorce especially in low conflict marriages

00:21:28.000 this is the thing that's so fascinating is the high conflict marriages um which is about 30 percent

00:21:33.920 of marriages that break up today are high conflict where they're screaming shouting matches constant

00:21:39.600 like tension throwing things in the kitchen um when those marriages break up kids experience some

00:21:46.160 level of relief they go okay thank god that's over that was really really awful the kids don't fare

00:21:50.720 well but at least they go okay that makes sense but the 70 of kids that come from low conflict

00:21:56.880 marriages really it's that high 70 percent well that's this lie that like oh well we need divorce

00:22:03.360 because women are being and we do need divorce if women are being or men are being abused we do need to

00:22:09.280 hold the right you know for what they're inflicting on the the family but largely the issue is not adultery

00:22:19.200 abuse addiction abandonment it is we are falling out of love i have some other side chick i have some other side

00:22:24.880 guy i'm not interested you know or just the very real burdens that marriage inflicts literally on

00:22:31.040 every couple at some point like it's hard to stick it out for a long time um i'm not going to diminish

00:22:37.360 the challenges of marriage because i'm in one and we counsel a lot of people who are in them too

00:22:41.760 but the problem is that when kids see their parents divorce for in their mind what looks like no reason

00:22:47.200 what they take away from that is anyone can leave me at any time and i'll never see it coming and

00:22:53.360 those kids have a very hard time forming and maintaining their own relationships 70 i can't

00:22:58.560 believe it's that high 70 or like you said low conflict was the word low conflict yeah and see

00:23:05.840 my thing is it's just tough because i'll i'll interview all these guys that have just and i'm

00:23:11.600 sure you've met them where they're just so like wrecked by this system and it is the sad like i always say

00:23:18.320 it is the saddest thing and got like interviewed a guy like two weeks ago hadn't seen his um i think

00:23:25.840 it was a son son in two years the mom is changing his last name and has again said the same things

00:23:32.960 your your dad doesn't want you and he like now the kid refuses to say his dad's name and this dad you

00:23:39.600 know he he was an up-and-coming actor he was i'm in a bollywood film he had this amazing career he was

00:23:45.920 not he was just offered a modeling contract the woman said he raped her 10 years ago and he told

00:23:52.320 me he looks in my eyes and he's like sometimes i just think about suicide because it's like what

00:23:55.920 are when men like men are i i in my experience women when they're suicidal it's more of like an

00:24:01.760 emotional thing where men it's just logical it's like okay my career's done my kid's gone like what

00:24:06.880 do i have left and they you know um and it's just like the saddest thing and so i'm like why don't

00:24:13.440 i just don't understand why conservatives this isn't the number one issue like who who cares about

00:24:20.160 all this overseas foreign pot like i just don't care i just want to see the risks lowered so men will

00:24:27.120 sign up you know what i mean so so men so we can actually have formed families again and i just i

00:24:33.200 genuinely don't see it happening until they start lowering the risk i think that you have to create an

00:24:39.520 alternative culture um like we are in america that absolutely believes legislatively now as well

00:24:48.320 that men are optional in the process of the family i mean i'm writing an article right now about the

00:24:53.200 biden administration is just scrubbing the words mother and father his and hers and paternity

00:24:58.880 from parenthood law in the name of equality of course right like we can't even say father or mother

00:25:04.960 in parenting law like we have literally made well men and mothers optional at this point in our

00:25:10.960 family law now children are just you know widgets to be like placed according to the state in whatever

00:25:16.400 family arrangement you know whatever adults have the money and means to acquire them honestly but what

00:25:22.240 what do you have to do like this still matters human nature has not changed um children how they come

00:25:27.760 to be and what they need and what they need to thrive it has not changed what do you do we need

00:25:32.480 an alternative society and i would say like that society is church that society is christian community

00:25:39.520 like the laws in our country are unjust the ways that we're telling people to use their bodies is

00:25:46.240 against nature like it literally violates the nature of men and women the way the culture is telling us

00:25:52.560 to conduct ourselves we have to opt into and create a new society a new culture and like this is an

00:25:59.440 original this is like a jesus you know like you are a city on a hill the point is to be a city within a

00:26:05.760 city with different laws and different ways we use our bodies and different ways of forming our families

00:26:10.720 like you got to opt into a new community how would so how would that work because in my head my thought is

00:26:18.720 when a guy has a kid in this country he's still opting into the laws of this country you know regardless of

00:26:24.560 what you know community because i think of um again those cousins i was telling you about they're like

00:26:29.680 in a catholic like um or like what's it called the catholics that are like a different traditionalist

00:26:36.640 right yeah yeah i just know we have my catholic growing up was like a shorter mass they did the

00:26:42.800 latin i'm like oh no and uh but so but they still had the same issue like 70 of divorced parents are

00:26:50.400 christians so it's like the men kind of just start like weighing the pros and the cons and they're

00:26:55.760 just like well even the christian women are leaving and i don't say this in a happy way i just

00:27:00.720 if i had to like predict it i just don't see it switching until they switch the laws just because

00:27:05.840 you know go ahead nancy piercey nancy piercey just came out with a book called the war on masculinity

00:27:10.960 and she actually she's like a killer researcher and when you're just talking about how people self-identify

00:27:16.560 yeah christian divorce rate pretty much the same when you look at actual religious attendance

00:27:21.040 and frequency of religious worship christians have the lowest divorce rates and the highest

00:27:26.640 levels of satisfaction and the most engaged fathers so that's what i'm saying is like you

00:27:30.720 got to opt into a different culture does that mean that you can't be victimized by our laws you still

00:27:35.200 could yeah but if you guys are on the same page i mean my husband and i we didn't come from intact

00:27:41.360 families like we never had this modeled for us we totally should have been a statistic but we just

00:27:48.160 decided we're gonna make the family that we wish we had as kids but we sucked at that because we were

00:27:55.040 idiots and we didn't know what it looked like to work through conflict we didn't know what it looked

00:27:59.760 like for me to respect him in the way he wanted to be respected and for him to love me in the way that

00:28:04.880 i needed to be loved we literally needed people to disciple us like i literally had to have older women

00:28:10.320 say hey katie do you see how you just talked to your husband back there in front of his friends

00:28:14.240 don't ever do that again that's i mean that's the biggest yeah that's yeah that's the other issues

00:28:19.360 even in two-parent homes like we don't have a culture of respecting men and authority so even from

00:28:25.680 two i i see super disrespectful like women to their boyfriends from intact families because

00:28:32.240 you know um again they weren't taught to respect their father growing up yeah i've got two daughters

00:28:37.600 and two sons and i'm much more concerned about my sons going into the world than i am my daughters

00:28:42.480 just in terms of how anti-man um everything is in this country yeah but even i i agree with you like

00:28:50.080 the low that christians have the best like way and that like church go like i i totally agree i just

00:28:56.240 if i had to predict 10 years from now will there be more families or less families i just don't think

00:29:02.000 you'll see an increase until we switch the laws that's just my you know you know i could say what

00:29:07.840 i would like to happen but i i just kind of that's what that's why i don't understand why this isn't

00:29:14.400 the number one issue you know from conservatives it's like it's kind of like well guys get married

00:29:20.480 anyway and and i'm just like guys they're not going to you can tell them to but they're not going

00:29:25.520 to until you start lowering the risk i think the problem is that

00:29:32.400 unmarried men are unhappy men and you know it is not good for man to be alone there are some people

00:29:38.240 that are called to singleness but on the whole it is not good for man to be alone it's not good for

00:29:42.240 a woman to be alone a lot of the time as well so even though the incentives are stacked against you

00:29:47.040 um those men commit suicide more abuse drugs more um they don't get as many advanced degrees they

00:29:52.240 don't work as many hours the reality is that we have stripped manhood of most of the um

00:29:58.480 rites of passage right we have stripped all of the different traditions that moved

00:30:02.640 people from boyhood to manhood or girlhood to womanhood and one of the final the only thing we

00:30:08.880 really have less i especially because i'd say like high school and college are kind of meaningless in

00:30:14.240 terms of those benchmarks really the only thing we have left that moves people men especially from

00:30:20.400 boyhood to manhood is marriage and so we do see men not maturing the way they should mature without

00:30:26.720 stepping into that role it actually is um there's a term that sociologists use for it where they say

00:30:33.120 women civilize men in essence they being connected to a woman and i'll talk in the ideal because

00:30:40.240 you're right there's all kinds of legal incentives that make this very very difficult but the truth is

00:30:46.160 that men men's competitiveness and aggressiveness has to be channeled it has to be tempered it has to be

00:30:54.640 directed in areas of virtue and what we see is that when men are paired with women for life that

00:31:03.200 actually is what directs them towards productivity and absent that men are much more prone to destruction

00:31:09.920 with those tendencies and urges and aggressiveness um so i don't know what the alternative is for men

00:31:16.400 i understand that it's a bad deal i'd say get married anyway and then get in the them before us

00:31:21.520 movement so we can take down no-fault divorce so so i would actually interpret the data a little

00:31:25.920 bit differently because i i hear that a lot that like the men um commit suicide more when they're

00:31:30.960 single um but what i would argue is that that's like typically women what do we like tall handsome

00:31:39.360 rich i mean like i i understand like women have different but if we if we pull women by and large

00:31:44.800 they usually select for wealth they usually select for symmetry right they want height etc

00:31:50.960 i would argue those men tend to be happier you know i i wouldn't i wouldn't direct it to the

00:31:56.400 women i would just say that men that are tall handsome and rich that women tend to pick tend to

00:32:02.320 have better experiences in life than fat broke losers so i'm not surprised and it would be interesting

00:32:08.160 because the way they do those stats they like survey the men from like 18 to 40 like 55 but they

00:32:14.160 don't survey like it would be a little more accurate in my point of view to survey the men from like

00:32:19.920 40 to 80 because the average divorce is 46 for men which i i've heard a couple different so i've heard

00:32:28.160 maybe it's five years younger but but you see my point it's like i don't think you can get the same

00:32:34.080 numbers you kind of have to go more towards the end i would argue it's it's hard i just tweeted

00:32:39.680 something this morning like four different ways to measure the divorce rate it's very very hard to get

00:32:44.080 an accurate picture of what is the likelihood of divorce actually um and it's challenging there's

00:32:49.600 a bazillion different metrics that you can use and i'm thinking like my husband is very symmetrical

00:32:55.680 but i also think that what happens is marriage makes the man i mean it tends to push you to be more

00:33:03.440 successful it's a wealth creating institution um it cultivates virtue because i mean what is it what

00:33:11.280 is it that it means to be a man like you first govern yourself you first take responsibility for

00:33:17.520 yourself because you're actually made to take responsibility for others and i actually think

00:33:21.600 that men when you see them called to greatness it always has to do with these herculean tasks that

00:33:29.600 have to do with taking responsibility for somebody else charging onto the shores of normandy you know

00:33:34.800 for the sake of justice or i mean all the different superhero movies that all of the teen boys that i

00:33:40.560 know like they love it because this is a man who's doing hard things on behalf of others there is

00:33:46.240 something about manness maleness that wants to be called to greatness and it's always connected to

00:33:52.160 taking responsibility for others and marriage is the smallest form that men get to do that and so i do

00:33:58.560 think that you shortchange men of something that they are naturally wired to if we say but don't

00:34:05.200 take responsibility for our family so it's interesting because i actually think i was thinking about this

00:34:10.800 because i hear that a lot the marriage makes the man i really think the men that are going to be

00:34:15.760 successful would do it regardless and i think of my dad my dad had like i have 10 10 kids my dad's just

00:34:22.160 he's just hardwired like that he would work 80 hours he's retired we're gone you know out of the house

00:34:27.840 he would work 80 hours a week regardless i just the way i see it is i just think people are kind

00:34:34.320 of born how they're born and i look at i have one brother right this name's name's adam adam is the

00:34:40.000 he works way harder than me yeah that boy is going to be a ceo of something he's a couple years younger

00:34:45.760 not yet i think he'll be a ceo of something regardless and sometimes i think like you kind of

00:34:51.680 dislike not you but like i i hear the more like pro-marriage crowd discount how likely it is

00:34:58.160 for a guy to find what would be like the ideal woman that like you know i think it's way worse

00:35:04.000 way worse for a man to marry a feminist then then die do you know i mean like what's worse and and the

00:35:11.040 truth of the matter is like the good conservative christian women there is a line for those women

00:35:16.800 right like the ideal you know and a lot you know average men aren't really gonna get them i i don't

00:35:24.400 say this in a happy way but when it's like a third of women have had an abortion a third have had an

00:35:29.920 std it's like these numbers are getting bad i just i don't think there's enough women to go around

00:35:36.240 and i think the funny thing is i actually think men would still sign up for marriage they would

00:35:41.920 oh my gosh they would all we gotta do is just they they're like fine i'll take this stripper she's hot

00:35:48.080 enough i'll take it and we just gotta lower the risk that's just how i see it you know because as

00:35:54.480 much as i would like for like the family structure to come together i just i don't see it happening and

00:36:00.400 this is why i'm like conservatives number one issue this should be like we're shouting i don't know

00:36:07.040 what's going on with the speaker of the house this week i don't really get it it's not my thing

00:36:11.200 we're no fault ban no fault divorce ban it but it's like it's almost like the wave of a hand oh

00:36:16.880 that'll take years well it'll take years if if you say it'll take years you know yeah it's people

00:36:24.960 don't they don't want to lose their friends that's the problem they care more about what other people

00:36:30.320 think about them than the actual health of this society there is no other way around this we have

00:36:35.440 already bought into the false god of like tolerance equality for adults and like once you're

00:36:40.400 worshiping that god honestly kids are just the required sacrifice that's that's where we're at

00:36:44.560 right now yes so it's going to take quite a lot of political courage most politicians are feckless and

00:36:50.800 more concerned about re-election it seems because you're right like this is actually a matter of

00:36:56.720 human survival and human flourishing so uh yeah i'm very concerned um okay because the politicians like

00:37:03.920 people that lobby the politicians anyway tell me that it's really hard to change these laws because

00:37:09.840 of um the women voters and they're the biggest swing voters so they're catering to the women but

00:37:14.960 that's why i came up with awesome solution women shouldn't vote but i don't that's probably not

00:37:18.720 realistic 2023 but like let's let's say okay so how how if they need the women vote in general to get

00:37:26.960 elected what are what are realistic ways to change these laws i was wondering lawsuits could they sue

00:37:33.600 family court would that work okay so like there totally doesn't need to be family court reform um

00:37:39.200 but let me just tell you the way this is going to work is we're going to breed them out

00:37:45.280 i mean we are um you know my friends have zero to two kids um it is an anti-life position i mean every

00:37:54.800 single thing that progressives promote is anti-life whether it's abortion whether it is sterile

00:38:00.720 relationships whether it is transing and sterilizing their own kids um you know this climate worshiping

00:38:06.880 the climate god that tells you you should not have kids because of you're going to wreck the planet i

00:38:11.360 mean like i really can't think of any priority they have that does not eliminate or harm the next

00:38:17.920 generation but they're not having they're not having kids right conservatives on the other hand are having

00:38:24.400 well on average it's it's like one or one and a half more but like in my world of my zealously

00:38:31.680 religious communities whether it's catholic or evan evangelical or mormon um my friends are having

00:38:38.720 two to 12 kids and so if we can actually raise the kids that we are birthing i mean which is one reason

00:38:45.680 why we wrote raising conservative kids is if you actually can implicate your worldview into your kids

00:38:52.240 in 20 or 30 years do you understand how different this is going to look especially because if you're

00:38:56.400 having two to 12 and your kids have two to 12 i mean the math is going to work itself out but we have

00:39:02.560 to get very very serious about what matters about i would say like take no prisoners when it comes to these

00:39:09.840 horrible ideas pass that on to our kids so they can't get captured and raise up the next generation that is

00:39:15.760 going to say we are going to insist that government works towards virtue towards wholeness you know

00:39:21.600 especially when it comes to marriage and family policy because at this point uh we would like to

00:39:27.520 not be taken over by china and if we internally collapse through demographics yeah uh that's

00:39:32.800 essentially what's going to happen yeah so you you want to breed them out and that's i've never heard

00:39:39.680 that's funny there you go well that maybe that'll be my t-shirt my conservative i would buy that i would

00:39:46.080 buy that okay um so you said and it's interesting you said this because i had this thought the

00:39:52.960 something i can't remember exactly but something you said about we should get rid of all the eggs and

00:39:57.760 sperm stuff i had this thought i had an old nanny do this where she had twins um through the in vitro

00:40:06.080 whatever and there's no dad and this woman was like super overweight and then she ends up having

00:40:12.800 these twins and the one has like a backwards foot because i'm just assuming that's probably from the

00:40:20.240 i don't know i'm assuming that probably wouldn't happen if you had kids the normal way um and i'm just

00:40:25.840 thinking like how selfish are you just because you want a kid you know why why on earth are you

00:40:33.680 entitled to a child now those kids don't have a dad you know right and you know that is um children have

00:40:40.800 lost their mother or father to tragedy since time began i mean like we're pretty familiar with like

00:40:47.680 parental death um you know sometimes on a mass scale after war you've got like oceans of fatherless

00:40:54.480 kids before modern medicine we were pretty familiar with maternal death in childbirth um and so we

00:41:01.200 understand children losing a mother or father to tragedy and we usually mourn when that happens but

00:41:06.400 what's happening right now in the world of modern family around reproductive technologies around divorce

00:41:12.480 around single motherhood by choice around same-sex parenting is kids are not losing their mother or

00:41:18.000 father to tragedy they're losing their mother or father because adult desires are being prioritized above

00:41:23.760 their rights to a mother and father and so that actually leverages pretty significant burdens on

00:41:29.680 kids um and like you said what is going on here is this woman said my desire for biological children

00:41:37.440 some connection to biological children is more important than my child's right to their biological

00:41:42.400 parent you see what they're doing like it's all transference of burdens it's always first it's me

00:41:48.480 me first i'm burdened i have this longing loss feelings desires whatever my fulfilling that longing

00:41:56.560 is more important than the loss that i'm going to leverage on my kids and so one thing that we do at

00:42:01.280 them before us is we just say we're always going to look at the kids from perspective yeah sure you wanted

00:42:06.320 kids yeah you couldn't find mr right and this is true for good-looking successful slim 40-something

00:42:13.440 career women who haven't found mr right either like you understand your biological clock is ticking

00:42:19.200 you decided that it's me time and you need to have your kid well your child is your desire for a child

00:42:25.360 is coming at the expense of a child who probably is going to fantasize about their missing father

00:42:29.520 have identity issues that go along with that have the increased like mistrust with you that a lot

00:42:35.120 of donor conceived kids face struggle more with delinquency and substance abuse as a result i mean

00:42:41.360 your desire is actually costing children their rights and well-being no i agree i think it's like

00:42:48.320 the most selfish thing that's why you know people think i'm i'm so mean because i go after like single

00:42:54.240 moms but i'm just like you didn't have to pick to make a child with a drug dealer diane and you think

00:43:00.560 i'm kidding i swear i swear i swear i meet these women i'm like what were you thinking and well if we

00:43:08.400 say it then before us like we are for adults who are doing hard things on behalf of kids and that

00:43:13.760 could look like working through problems in your marriage so your kids don't have split homes it

00:43:18.400 could be dealing with infertility in ways that don't force a kid to lose their mother or father

00:43:24.080 it could be a lot of single mothers as single mothers because they were the only adult who was

00:43:28.800 willing to do hard things for the kid and the dad bailed single motherhood by choice no that's the kid

00:43:34.320 doing hard things for you so like that's kind of our goal like that's sort of how you sort out

00:43:39.840 yes children's rights no children's rights is who is doing the hard thing right if the kids are doing

00:43:44.720 the hard thing yes if the children are doing the hard things boo so that's kind of the metric adults

00:43:51.360 do hard things for kids stop making kids do hard things for you what do you okay so you

00:43:55.680 don't i wrote something down i had a question on so what what is your opinion on adoption

00:44:07.680 actually wait first i actually want to ask i want to see if you agree with me on this i had this

00:44:12.880 this week i decided sometimes pearl just gets new opinions and this week i have a new one

00:44:17.120 i'm gonna try it out on me so i i thought about i had an only fans girl on my show um and she was

00:44:24.320 talking about how she just needed the world like it's a world that i just no you're you're very

00:44:30.720 do you mind me asking your age how do you mind i'm 47 yeah you're in a different you look awesome

00:44:36.560 by the way yeah i would i would i would have guessed like 10 years younger um you know keto

00:44:41.600 intermittent fasting get on my exercise bike while i type but thank you we can be friends forever

00:44:46.640 would talk like that look at look at so um the yeah no under 35 i just want you to think of and

00:44:54.640 especially under 30 it's a very different world these women i'm telling you i i grew up a bit naive

00:45:01.680 and i feel like doing what i do reality hit me in the face it's a little bit better

00:45:06.320 like outside of cities i'm gonna give that but anyways only fans chicks decides to come on my show

00:45:13.280 and she's talking about how she did only fans and she how are you groomed at 29 i'm like you're 29

00:45:20.480 years old and you're groomed into only fans that you manage do you see these stories i deal with

00:45:26.320 and she's a single mother and so you know um she was saying she is on only fans so she can spend time

00:45:34.400 with her children because she's a single mom the dad's not in you know i mean what what guy's making a

00:45:40.080 kid with an only fans model i can't imagine it's a stand up you know so yeah i know so i'm like and

00:45:47.040 i thought about this i thought about it all week and i'm like this woman feels like she has no other

00:45:51.520 option now i'm sure there's many women that work at walmart and tesco around the world that make it

00:45:57.280 work and still figure out a way but i thought about this and i thought you know honestly women that feel

00:46:03.600 like they have to do sex work for in order to keep their kids just shouldn't have a kid you should

00:46:09.840 give that kid there's so many people having infertility issues now there's like um i think

00:46:14.960 the adoption list in the uk um for girls that are under the age of something is like 10 years or eight

00:46:22.480 years so i'm like why don't we find a christian conservative couple that can raise that kid that

00:46:28.720 wants it because i'm like it's really a privilege to be a parent why are you entitled to a kid and

00:46:35.360 that kid now has to grow up in a world where their mother's butt is on the internet that is embarrassing

00:46:41.600 that's so selfish what do you think should we take those kids or should we let them keep them

00:46:47.920 no we should not take the kids what we should do is we should insist that adults adult that's what we

00:46:52.960 should insist right in these scenarios right the solution is not for the kid to be aborted because

00:46:58.080 they were in no not aborted to given no i know i'm just i'm gonna work through i'm gonna work

00:47:02.480 through the less than ideal options right he shouldn't be aborted because they were unwanted the kids

00:47:07.600 should not lose their father because one or both of them was unwilling to do the hard thing the kids

00:47:13.520 should not be subjected to a family where the mother is not um providing for them in ways that are going

00:47:20.960 to protect her dignity and the kids dignity too right the solution is for the adults to do hard

00:47:26.880 things for the mother to do hard things it's not somebody else's job to raise the child it's not it's

00:47:32.080 not that child does not belong to anybody that wants them the child belongs to their mother and father

00:47:36.880 and we need to change our mindset and change our laws to insist and incentivize both mother and father

00:47:42.880 conforming to the rights and needs of kids so we do have this children's rights and we do have parental

00:47:48.560 rights but what are rights rights in the natural law world are correlated with duties and responsibilities

00:47:55.680 so just because you have a child does not mean i can do whatever i want with this kid i can act any

00:48:00.000 way that i want it means you have a duty and a responsibility to provide and protect for that

00:48:06.320 child in ways that don't harm their dignity harm their body harm their innocence harm their life and so

00:48:12.400 this is a solution where adults need to adult that is it we can't have this standard of like i don't like

00:48:18.240 what you're doing i'm going to put you somewhere else because very very soon the other side will

00:48:22.000 use that against right people who are ideological lines the the proper solution is to properly

00:48:27.760 understand parental rights and the duties that go with it and children's rights right that they have

00:48:32.720 rights that need to be protected and the parents are the ones that are supposed to do that so much of

00:48:36.640 this is is really a battle of so language yeah so that we can understand who's responsible for who so

00:48:43.680 my question is this woman was crazy if you met her gosh i don't even understand she like this guy this

00:48:49.920 guy responds on the show he says you have a kid and you do only fans she got so mad she stormed off

00:48:56.880 do you not that conviction that's what i said i was like we can't make you feel shame if someone said

00:49:02.320 you have a kid and you're a youtuber i don't have a kid but if i did i'd be like yeah like you know

00:49:07.200 it's that's that's something you feel so i'm like but okay so but my question is like what how do you

00:49:11.920 enforce that like what happens when you know this crazy lady says i don't care i'm just gonna sell my

00:49:18.320 butt for 3.99 well you've always had irresponsible parents unfortunately the the question is what are

00:49:26.000 you going to incentivize can we set up structures in this country to incentivize intact homes um good

00:49:33.200 behavior i mean i i think that there should be significant limits on pornography uh in the world

00:49:38.400 especially as it relates to getting into our kids lives i mean like i actually think that there are

00:49:42.560 ways that we can use government for good that will advance dignity for men women and children but

00:49:48.320 especially children um so i really just think it has to do with incentive structures right now there are

00:49:53.040 these incentive structures in place whether because we are not properly shaming the consumption of

00:49:58.080 pornography whether or not we're properly identifying flagging and training our daughters to have a little

00:50:02.880 more respect for themselves and their bodies and then their children um but to me like it's a meta

00:50:08.800 narrative issue um and it really has to do with what we're going to incentivize yes the government can

00:50:13.920 do that but that's also where i say this is where it's great to opt into an alternative community that

00:50:19.840 lives by another set of values because sometimes the world isn't going to reward you and a lot of times

00:50:24.480 they won't where are you going to get the rewards where are you going to get the praise the

00:50:27.920 affirmation the encouragement who is giving that to you and i i'm the pastor the pastor's wife at our

00:50:35.680 church um i know everybody pretty well my guess is there aren't any people with only fan accounts

00:50:44.640 here um it's not because there aren't people that are not economically vulnerable because we live in an

00:50:50.480 area that touches on some parts of seattle where people are really scraping by um but the incentive

00:50:56.320 structure in terms of moral rewards and social rewards are there to probably to limit the number

00:51:04.400 of people that would think this is a good way to support my family no i agree with you i'm just i'm

00:51:09.760 just trying to think of like what would happen because like i'm just thinking like i i've dealt

00:51:15.520 firsthand with these these chicks on old like you know and i'm like if you could give them whatever

00:51:20.640 incentive structure i'm like they're just gonna they're addicted to it it's not even a money thing

00:51:25.120 the average chick makes like 500 bucks a month that's like nothing um i think it's actually less

00:51:29.840 than that but it's just like they're so addicted to attention and selfish which is a cultural problem

00:51:36.000 but i was just wondering so you would say so do you think adoption is like wrong then do you think

00:51:43.360 that well let me just okay let me back up and say i think you're right that there's so much in a

00:51:49.360 a woman that longs to be cherished desired and pursued and only fans gives you a way of my

00:51:55.680 understanding of how it works is you actually get to see how desired and pursued you are right through

00:52:01.120 monetary through likes or i i suppose you've got subscribers or whatever it is you can actually

00:52:05.680 quantify this is how desired i am right but it is honestly like porn is a absolute hollow substitution

00:52:14.640 for genuine connection only fans it's a hollow would you would you ban would you ban it i'm

00:52:19.200 just trying to understand how your world yeah would you ban it i would ban it i would absolutely make

00:52:24.800 sure that kids could not get access to porn okay what you know that's what i know for sure is yeah but

00:52:30.400 porn is i think responsible for so many of the problems that we're facing today especially problems

00:52:36.960 that men are facing you know i mean when i hear about men who are like i just don't have any motivation

00:52:41.920 i have a hard time you know i don't know if i want to have a relationship i'm like are you looking at

00:52:46.000 porn is that porn then you know because it is kind of the go-to drug um it is the way that men not only

00:52:54.240 get that that high but also their connection their anxiety relief their escape to the world the people

00:52:59.680 that actually want them i mean i think that it's so much a symptom of social breakdown and i bet that

00:53:04.240 these only real fans i would wager probably came from homes where they didn't oh it's all single

00:53:09.760 mother it's awesome father's love you know like they oh yeah have a deficit in them and they're

00:53:14.880 meeting like we always talk about it then before us like kids don't just want to be loved in the

00:53:19.680 abstract it's not like oh here's widget parents you know they actually crave male love and female love

00:53:25.840 yes kids want to be loved by a man and long to be loved by a woman and if they grow up without the

00:53:30.960 love of a man they will find a man to love them it might be through an only fan it might be a little boy

00:53:35.840 who's finding that male love through gang behavior it might be through men or boys or girls who are

00:53:42.400 being groomed by an older man and they're so vulnerable because they're so hungry for male love

00:53:48.800 so i think a lot of these porn stuff only fans it's so much of it comes back to we have starved

00:53:55.440 children of what they need in the home when they were oh oh they're all from single mother homes or or

00:54:01.680 super weak fathers that's like the other i just from it i can always ask him like two or three

00:54:06.800 questions it's either no dad or a very like it's usually the mom encouraged them to do it how crazy

00:54:14.400 is that i know i know i i know that's why that's why sometimes i'm like i don't think you you you know

00:54:21.920 this crazy world i'm glad you don't though so in my head i'm just like if you don't punish the only

00:54:28.400 fans chicks and like this bad behavior um but your your ideas will breed them out and then it'll go

00:54:35.680 away anyway i'm just i'm just trying to yeah raise virtuous girls who would never cheapen themselves

00:54:42.080 brave virtuous men who understand what cherishing really looks like yeah and you and you can do it

00:54:48.960 like it's not oh i can't we we can on an individual level i just like it's just i i just kind of have to

00:54:58.000 be realistic when i have to guess the next 10 years you know i'm like do i think there's going to be

00:55:03.440 more or less only fans chicks i think it'll get worse in the next couple decades yeah but i think

00:55:11.600 that the conservative parents that i know have woken up in the last even just the last couple of years

00:55:17.920 yeah um and said okay we got to go all out on this because you can't have my kids and you guys are

00:55:23.600 psycho yeah well the increase homeschooling is increasing which i think is a good sign and like

00:55:29.600 you know the acquisition of twitter i think is really good so at least kids have an alternative

00:55:34.720 well twitter can be wild sometimes but well you know what part of the parenting philosophy is

00:55:40.480 you actually need to train your kids on how to use social media like first of all you should

00:55:45.440 use social media well and then you just graft your kids into what you're already doing like none of

00:55:49.600 this is hey go into the world and figure it out all of it it's everything that matters it will train

00:55:54.560 you to do and that includes how do you use technology how do we interact on social media like it is a

00:56:01.200 process of replication in your kids that does not happen by mistake so what's your opinion on adoption

00:56:06.880 are you because um like what's what how do you feel about adoption i feel good about adoption oh you like

00:56:14.160 i could i thought you said before we because earlier i could see why the state coming in and deciding

00:56:21.920 who's a fit and unfit parent that's probably a bad idea but i was like i'm this is how i think only

00:56:28.480 fans model mother or the conservative christian parents like so in this scenario with this woman

00:56:35.600 i'm like i think adoption's your best bet go give go go but or the dad right i don't know what the kind

00:56:40.560 of that is why that is why we have adoption okay because there are times where parents cannot will

00:56:47.760 not or should not raise their kids right so adoption is a just society's response to children who have

00:56:54.640 lost their parents that is what adoption is the problem is that we have confused adoption as a means

00:57:01.520 for adults to get kids right so this is not a way for couples that are struggling with infertility to

00:57:07.520 complete their family this is not a way for lgbt people to have a family even though they don't have

00:57:14.800 for the uterus but adoption is not for adults so no adult has a right to adopt children who have lost

00:57:23.200 their parents have a right to be adopted so it must it has been it needs to continue to be there are

00:57:30.000 threats against this it must be a child-centric institution it always must elevate the well-being

00:57:37.360 and the best interest of the child which means not every adult who wants a kid is going to get one

00:57:43.200 but what we see in the adoption world is rightly it is very difficult to detach children from a

00:57:49.280 biological parent that is correct and it is difficult to attach them to biological strangers that is also

00:57:55.600 correct because what we know from general family structure and we spend an entire chapter in our first

00:58:02.080 book covering why biology advantages children one of the main ways that biology advantages children

00:58:09.920 is statistically a child's own biological parents are the safest most connected to most protective of

00:58:16.800 and most invested in them across the board that is the norm when you're talking about family formation

00:58:23.520 there are exceptions certainly there are exceptions when you're dealing with

00:58:27.440 well anything other than the married intact biological family you will only see skyrocketing rates of

00:58:34.640 abuse neglect maltreatment um it can happen with biological parents married biological parents but

00:58:42.320 really the risk to kids comes when there's unrelated adults in the home so the only fans mom is not my

00:58:47.760 biggest concern it's the men that are coming in and out of her home that's probably the biggest risk to

00:58:52.240 the kids um when you talk about why kids find their way into foster care we don't have national

00:59:00.080 statistics on what kind of family structures kids are pulled from but when i talk to court-appointed

00:59:05.840 special attorneys who advocate for kids i say what percentage of kids are removed from the home of

00:59:10.240 their married biological parents and i've talked to three of them and so far the answer is like zero to

00:59:16.000 five percent yeah and the and if they are removed very often they're they're quickly restored after

00:59:22.880 mom works through some mental illness or dad got drug treatment or whatever it was the majority of kids

00:59:28.720 that need adoption are coming from homes that are not married biological mother and father homes the

00:59:35.920 reason why children are endangered the reason why they have to be given up for adoption removed from the

00:59:41.040 home is because they're largely being raised in homes where there's unrelated adults that are

00:59:46.960 there for them so what is adoption for i'm you know i used to be the assistant director at the

00:59:52.080 largest chinese adoption agency in the world so i was responsible for compliance i i'm an adoptive mom

00:59:57.280 myself why do we have to go through all of these screenings and vettings and background checks

01:00:02.240 because statistically we are not going to give these kids the same kind of care that we give our

01:00:07.360 biological kids and the state has a duty to ensure that we are going to be a safe place so we're

01:00:12.240 doing adoption wrong is what you're saying people are using it for the parents where they're like oh

01:00:17.360 i can't have kids so i want one when instead um it should be the it's more of that kids in a bad

01:00:25.840 situation someone in the community steps in more like that that's actually that's what happened to us

01:00:31.440 because you know it's funny um i have three adopted siblings but they were adopted it's kind of weird

01:00:37.120 because i grew up one of six like there was six in the house um but three came later where like

01:00:43.920 they were just in bat like my parents did they did not want to adopt anybody no they did not but

01:00:49.200 they're just very nice people and it was like they knew all three kids were in bat like one guy

01:00:55.840 it was crazy i was out of the house i was in college i come home and there's just this guy there

01:01:00.480 and i'm like who's this who's this it was this guy is my little my little brother adam

01:01:05.520 kid on his football team was homeless his mom like lost their house so we ended up like i think he

01:01:10.400 was 15 so he he was only there for like three years but he ends up like staying it's kind of like the

01:01:15.680 blind side have you seen that but he wasn't as good at football and those go to no nfl but but yeah and

01:01:21.280 so they end up adopting him but it wasn't like uh it kind of sounds more like what you were talking about

01:01:26.000 where these three teenagers that they adopted were just like you know we know this person through those

01:01:31.840 people you know and those parents really can't um and what you know it's interesting what i found

01:01:37.680 through adoption is there's a difference between adopted kids whose parents loved them but like

01:01:45.760 couldn't do you know i mean like there's um like some of the kids had parents that wanted to be there

01:01:52.480 but it was like they struggled with addiction let's just say so they knew they're like he knew his mom

01:01:57.840 loved him she really did but she was just such an alcoholic that you know um and then the ones

01:02:04.240 that seemed to have more issues it's like their parents didn't want or love them and that was very

01:02:10.240 clear and you can just see like one adopted kid we have like a ton of issues with and one we had none

01:02:15.520 and if i had to say like what was the definite factor i'd say like one the parents did not like

01:02:22.080 that child and the other one you know and it's really sad because the one thing people don't

01:02:27.600 you know i've been on both sides of adoption um because my mom got pregnant young so she gave up a

01:02:32.320 kid um and then they adopted some later and the one thing people don't realize all of the problems

01:02:39.840 that come with it and it's funny we have a talent here who she she was given up for adoption too and

01:02:45.360 she's talked about this too where like um like it's just it's not like your actual like family you

01:02:52.640 know and i think um the one that was like given up for adoption i met him when i was 22 and it's

01:02:58.400 interesting he was just like all of us even though he grew up with a whole different family

01:03:03.120 more so than the ones that spent more time with us um and i do think it's kind of confusing for a

01:03:08.320 kid i don't think it's the ideal i really don't um but you know it is you know my parents are such

01:03:14.240 nice people they're just like but i i do see what you're saying where it should more be not about the

01:03:20.160 parents wanting a child but it should be about oh that kid needs help yeah so your parents did it

01:03:26.720 exactly right um and the reason why adoption is different from these other forms of modern family is

01:03:32.000 when it's losing a parent to no-fault divorce or single mother by choice or same-sex parents or

01:03:36.640 sperm egg donation or surrogacy or whatever it is in those scenarios what you have is you've got the

01:03:41.120 adult saying hey kids sacrifice for me you do the hard thing so that i can have what i want what

01:03:46.000 adoption is is it's the adult saying i will do hard things for you right so a just society cares for

01:03:52.560 orphans and they do that through adoption what's happening in reproductive technologies and these other

01:03:58.880 forms of modern family is in essence creating orphans right so we've got orphans in this world they need

01:04:05.200 to be cared for we don't need systems that incentivize the making of orphans and yeah this

01:04:11.040 is really a process of adults doing hard things for kids i will say that one of the reasons why

01:04:17.120 biology matters in the parent-child relationship and we talk about is this in detail in our book and

01:04:22.240 all throughout our work is only a child's own mother and father grant children something that they crave

01:04:29.360 and that is an answer to the question who am i it is very hard to answer the question who am i if you

01:04:36.560 cannot answer the question whose am i and so we see that kids crave this biological identity and my guess

01:04:44.560 is when your older brother met all of the siblings yeah there was something about him that said

01:04:49.680 i am i am known and i am like you and i know myself better right now because of this and i

01:04:58.800 think about my adopted son who does not know the identity of his birth parents because he's chinese

01:05:06.080 and abandoning your child in china is illegal so birth parents don't leave any identifying information

01:05:12.880 and i will say to him and anyone else i cannot fully compensate for everything he has lost he

01:05:20.240 has lost something that his father and i cannot replace but the difference with adoption and i think

01:05:26.640 that this is speaks to some of what you're talking about is like reproductive technologies they inflict

01:05:32.400 this parental wound on kids right and the kids are being raised by the person that decided that their

01:05:36.800 mother or father should be gone adoptive parents are seeking to mend the wound right

01:05:42.080 they simply recognize the child had a wound and they're going to do what they can to step in and

01:05:45.760 seek to mend it and i say seek to mend it because like you said sometimes it's a lifelong wound that

01:05:52.800 really yeah isn't going to be mended on this side of heaven you know it's um i think of a couple um i

01:05:59.120 think there's something maybe you know the data behind this because i i wouldn't but i think there's

01:06:04.160 something with like getting kids younger too from adoption because i think of like there's a couple at my

01:06:10.080 church um a couple years ago who adopted brothers and one was like six and one was like two and the

01:06:17.040 two-year-old like grew up to be this oh my gosh he was like a genius he was like this perfect this

01:06:23.520 literal perfect kid and the other one was like always robbing the church like he like would do

01:06:27.920 scams and like all this and i'm like sometimes if they have too rough of a childhood before a certain

01:06:32.960 age you can love the kids as much as you want i i watched like i stayed with that family for a

01:06:38.800 summer and they were like such nice people i'm like i don't know what else they could have did

01:06:42.560 i think they did everything they could have it's it is you mess with someone's childhood you mess with

01:06:49.280 their whole life yeah you cannot starve children of we at them before us we talk about how there's

01:06:55.200 three staples of a child's social emotional diet you have to have these critical nutritional components

01:07:01.520 mother's love father's love and stability if any one of those three are gone you are going to have

01:07:07.600 emotionally malnourished children that will struggle to function you cannot starve children

01:07:12.960 of mother love father love or stability in those early years and think they're going to be able to

01:07:17.280 bounce back they are emotionally malnourished and so like our son was adopted when he was two never had

01:07:28.960 he was starved he was starved i mean he had a schedule but he was starved of

01:07:33.520 he he didn't have emotions like kids stop crying because they're like nobody's going to come why

01:07:39.120 should i cry like that's why adoptees often have this emotional regulation problem right where it's

01:07:45.440 hard to attach it's hard to bond it's hard to regulate your emotions you literally have to have parents to

01:07:52.400 you are not able to soothe yourself for the first 18 months somebody else has to soothe you and when

01:07:57.440 when there's no soother when there's nobody that is responding to your cries it teaches you something

01:08:02.880 about the world it can't be trusted i need to control it nobody can help me like it absolutely

01:08:09.200 just short circuits your emotional wiring and sometimes you cannot put those kids back together

01:08:13.840 so when you're adopting older kids um you are adopting a burden on their behalf right it's not

01:08:20.480 something that a lot of times can be fixed you're just saying you have a burden you should not have to

01:08:25.440 deal with that burden alone i'm gonna graft you into my family but that means i'm going to be

01:08:30.320 burdened because the burden doesn't go away we're just going to share it so that's that's adults

01:08:36.000 doing hard things for kids yeah yeah well and and that's the thing like people kind of act like you

01:08:42.000 can just adopt and it's this rosy it's so easy i'm like oh no it is not i've been on both sides

01:08:48.400 do you know what i mean i've been on this i mean the side where i didn't know i didn't even know i

01:08:52.720 had this brother until i was 22. that's a crazy thing didn't even know he existed well it's hard

01:08:56.880 on the birth parents because they're experiencing loss it's hard on the adoptive parents because

01:09:03.440 it's you you don't bond the same way if the child does not grow in your tummy connect to you through

01:09:09.440 breastfeeding you get all of the constant oxytocin exchange that promotes bonding between mother and

01:09:15.120 child you're working outside of the biological systems that attach you to the baby but it's especially

01:09:21.280 hard on the baby who is losing everything losing everything and even if they're adopted at birth

01:09:28.000 adoptees will often call that a primal wound they have to start over yeah the other kids have an

01:09:34.160 and a half month head start they have to start from scratch and so even though adoptees even though

01:09:39.600 the ones that were adopted at birth are adopted by people who make more money are more highly educated

01:09:45.280 even spend more time have more stable families adoptees fare worse struggle more in school have

01:09:51.520 more addiction have more externalizing disorders because there really is something about that bond

01:09:55.840 that needs to be respected and it harms kids when that's that's the biggest problem right now if i had

01:10:01.760 to describe like one disconnect that i see just from like interviewing it's like with women they think

01:10:09.280 money buys family and kids do not care about and you know my dad did pretty well so like they'll always

01:10:16.560 be like oh it's just because you're from this but i'm like when you're a kid you don't really care you

01:10:21.840 you don't know who's rich and who's poor i'm like you can't what first daughter had a pack of gum for

01:10:27.760 her birthday until she was five that's the only good part he loved this yeah yeah and that's the i'm

01:10:34.640 like you know i know so many families that went down in lifestyle so they could be there for the

01:10:41.280 kid and i'm like kids really don't know i'm like you can't it's actually like it's okay to have lean

01:10:49.200 years when you're young and married it's okay to let your world get smaller um my kids are so grateful

01:10:56.240 like if they're like hey can i have some gas money i'm like sure they're like are you kidding

01:11:00.960 thank you so much because they didn't grow up thinking oh my parents are just gonna hand me i

01:11:05.280 mean we said no to almost everything hey can i get these pants i'm like let me find it on you know at

01:11:09.920 goodwill now my daughter's like i need new cleats i'm like let me check offer up first i mean like

01:11:14.640 they know that things are not just gonna get handed to them they all started working early because

01:11:18.560 they're like my mom is gonna pay for my food and my clothes but anything else i want if i want to buy

01:11:22.960 a 17 movie ticket i have to figure that out on my own like it's okay to have some mean years if it

01:11:29.440 means that you're maximizing connection when they're young well and even even when i think of like my

01:11:33.600 childhood i think my favorite thing to do with my parents was just them like picking me up from

01:11:38.400 practice and taking me home like it's like not even uh when i think of like my it's weird because i

01:11:43.680 was a really big athlete like that was like my thing i probably was gone more than i should have been

01:11:48.560 just because i loved sports and my favorite part of the day was just like oh my my dad's picking

01:11:54.560 me up from i was i remember i'd be so excited when it was my dad picking me up i was like yes you know

01:12:01.360 and it's like you know it's like that that money can't buy that that and it's so often that i keep

01:12:09.600 seeing these chicks like they they think everything else like the material stuff is more important but

01:12:15.280 i'm like it's far more damaging to not have a dad or then to have okay you have money now what

01:12:23.280 like i've talked to moms i've talked to moms that that literally divorced their dad because they felt

01:12:29.520 like their husband was holding them back in in a career he wasn't supporting my career yeah destroy

01:12:37.440 your kids over whatever career advancement you think that you need it's just yeah what do you i mean

01:12:43.200 what are you an instagram model like what oh my gosh you would be traumatized if you're on my shows

01:12:48.720 for a week you're such a sweetheart i'm like well i you know the thing is like i study sex reproduction

01:12:56.800 marriage family you know i've written curriculum on porn and all of that so i mean it's like i know i just

01:13:03.920 i'm not interviewing them on my show and if i did i'd be like can we read the bible together

01:13:08.640 good luck sorry i do i try to read the bible with everyone i'm with uh i told your producer okay

01:13:18.560 i'm your girl what okay what so what you think surrogacy is bad too so all right so i'm just

01:13:24.960 gonna play doubles an advocate here why is surrogacy bad if i if i cannot have a child and i this woman

01:13:32.320 is willing to do it it's my i think it's either egg isn't it it's my egg my it depends what do you

01:13:39.440 want what do you want to pay for what what kind of child are you looking for okay let's just let's

01:13:44.240 just say it's my egg i just you know i have issues i can't do it i had a i think kim kardashian had

01:13:51.120 like a bad pregnancy so okay so i'm gonna give you my egg and the sperm so why is it bad that they just

01:13:57.760 carry it for nine months well if you're looking at it from the adult perspective no problem right

01:14:03.920 everyone's consenting people get what they want at the end if you're looking at it from the

01:14:07.760 perspective of the fertility world this is a cash cow so bring it on the only problem is if you're

01:14:13.680 looking at it from the child's perspective and so our rule of them before us is don't make kids do

01:14:18.880 hard things for you and surrogacy always makes kids do hard things for adults so the best way to

01:14:23.200 understand surrogacy is it splices what should be one woman mother into three purchasable and

01:14:30.160 optional women so number one is the genetic mother who contributes the egg so if you need one even if

01:14:37.680 you're a heterosexual couple or if you're a gay couple and you don't have an egg that's available

01:14:42.320 you can google egg donor catalog and you can shop for your child's genetic mother you can narrow your

01:14:49.120 search results by race by education level by known or i can just get i like i have red hair so if i

01:14:54.880 want a red-headed kid i can just order one order one that's exactly right so the genetic mother and

01:15:01.600 then the birth mother is the woman who gestates the child right and that's the one that kids form a bond

01:15:06.960 with that's the one that the child will think is their mother even if they're not genetically related

01:15:12.400 it's her smell it's her voice it's her body it's her breast milk it's her movement it's her dietary

01:15:21.360 consumption this is the only thing the baby knows right when the baby is born we don't put babies on

01:15:28.160 the chest of random strangers so they can form a bond we put them on their mother's chest because

01:15:33.280 they have an existing bond and sometimes i'll tweet like pictures of babies who are crying and out of

01:15:39.120 control and you bring the baby over to the mom and the baby's quiet i mean that happened with my

01:15:44.080 second birth too it was very fast it was very traumatic she and i were both like dazed and

01:15:48.240 confused she was wailing and they finally put her on my chest and i started singing and she just she

01:15:54.000 was silent the birth mother is the only person the baby knows and then the third mother is the social

01:16:00.400 mother the woman who provides the child with that female specific love that they crave every day

01:16:05.760 so what surrogacy does is it says which one of these do you need which one do you not want uh

01:16:12.880 you can purchase this one you can rent this one out maybe you're going to do away with the social

01:16:16.640 mother altogether the problem is that none of these three women are optional in the life of a child

01:16:22.080 children need their genetic mother because it gives them their biological identity they need their birth

01:16:27.360 mother because it lays the foundation for trust and attachment and they need a social mother they need

01:16:33.120 female love every day and surrogacy is the first technological innovation that says you can take

01:16:40.320 which you can choose which one you want and for single double or triple men the kid loses all three

01:16:48.960 in your scenario where it's we're going to give our egg we're going to raise the child we just need

01:16:54.160 to outsource the birth mother well then your kid's going to suffer that primal wound that adoptees have

01:17:00.000 been dealing with diminish their outcomes since we've been doing this since the 50s and 60s so

01:17:05.920 really really it's just supposed to be if you can't like adoption is just supposed to be a last minute

01:17:13.920 it's supposed to be like uh if i literally cannot take care of this child then it will hurt the child

01:17:18.720 more for me to raise it then we find something out and this all is just and you're not supposed to

01:17:24.560 uh and all this fertility stuff just makes the kid pay the price when really you made you know sometimes

01:17:32.400 got like you know i have um i have another old nanny who um she actually i have really really good

01:17:38.640 memories with her and it just wasn't in the cards for her to have kids she's infertile is really really

01:17:43.200 sad um arguably they think it was actually from a um a shot that the doctor gave her when she was younger

01:17:52.480 like some like preventative something um and you know it's really sad but she decided just never to

01:17:59.280 have i always wondered why she didn't adopt and it's probably actually she's very catholic so it's

01:18:03.760 like it's probably that mentality yeah well the truth is that everything that we deal with at them

01:18:10.560 before us some of the biggest burdens that adults are going to face infertility is like if you have

01:18:17.440 friends that are struggling with infertility i mean it can be an obsessive focus like it can be

01:18:22.160 the thing that runs their life if you've got same sex attraction and you want to be a dad or you want

01:18:27.440 to be a mom and you're trying to figure out what does this look like for my family i mean like that is

01:18:30.880 a huge burden and if you're in a marriage and it is struggling which every marriage will at some point

01:18:37.920 it is so i mean you're dealing with some of the biggest issues that adults face

01:18:42.800 the solution cannot be to burden a child right right somebody's going to do the hard thing in those

01:18:47.760 situations is it going to be their couple that figures it out is it going to be the same sex

01:18:51.520 attractive person that forms a family with the child's other biological parent is it going to be

01:18:56.080 the people with infertility that resolve that without forcing a kid to lose their mother or father or birth

01:19:00.560 mother like someone is going to do the hard thing we just don't think it should be the kids we think

01:19:06.240 it should be the adults so what's your view on same-sex couples can they can they get a kid is it like

01:19:12.480 oprah they just you get a kid you get a kid yeah uh so nobody should be able to get a kid

01:19:19.840 i mean what does that mean that just means uh we have a right to somebody else's child that's what it

01:19:26.800 means to get a kid you don't have a right to a child children you children should not lose their

01:19:31.680 mother or father so you can get a kid so no i don't think that there should be any third-party

01:19:36.560 reproduction for single married gay or straight like it's always a violation of the rights of the child

01:19:42.560 um should same-sex couples be able to adopt well that's a question of you have to consider the

01:19:49.680 child's best interest it is not about having gay couples have a family it's children's best interest

01:19:56.880 is considered in the placement and mothers and fathers have got to be prioritized because of that

01:20:02.800 maternal and paternal love that literally will exempt kids from so many of the social ills that that

01:20:09.600 they're falling into they won't have that mother hunger or that father hunger and we're probably

01:20:13.840 the only organization that has a story bank of kids were raised by same-sex parents on our website

01:20:19.600 like go and read it some of them were adopted some of them were products of divorce some of them were

01:20:24.400 products of of sperm and egg donation read it tell me how'd that go and largely they experienced

01:20:31.120 mother hunger or father hunger because they are human children and they want to be loved by man

01:20:36.000 wow so you wow so you actually that's so interesting that you've actually like spoken to these kids that

01:20:42.960 grew up in all these situations so what have you spoken to like the surrogacy kids and all the in the

01:20:48.640 of what are what do they turn out like is it the same same thing yeah so every kid and so you've got

01:20:55.680 all of these different ways that kids are losing their mother or father partial or fully through modern

01:21:01.680 families some of each of these different categories has some similarities and each has some differences

01:21:07.760 so what's going on with the kids of divorce the kids of divorce are losing at least 50 of mother or

01:21:14.080 father and like you are fully aware a lot of these kids lose complete relationship i think about 40 for

01:21:20.640 two years have no contact with the non-custodial parent which is usually the dad okay so they experience

01:21:26.000 mother or father loss what is the struggles that the children of divorce have instability right they are

01:21:32.160 their lives are just in turmoil whether it's just bouncing between mom and dad's house or

01:21:36.880 different partners and spouses entering and leaving and entering and exiting right so instability is

01:21:43.040 the main problem children of divorce are dealing with and that affects their physical mental emotional

01:21:47.760 and and relational health well what is it that the kids of reproductive technologies are facing who are

01:21:53.040 created through sperm donation and egg donation um and sometimes surrogacy they're facing identity issues

01:21:59.120 right they're they can't answer the question who am i because they've been cut off from 50 to 100 of

01:22:05.360 their genetic identity and they're being raised in homes where they can't even ask those questions

01:22:10.880 so they have more psychological burdens than for example adoptees who lost their genetic connection but

01:22:17.280 they're being raised in homes that are seeking to mend their wound so they can talk with their parents about

01:22:21.760 it more often what about the kids with same-sex parents what are they facing they're largely facing

01:22:28.000 mother hunger and father hungry hunger these kids often had two moms like that's kind of the the strain

01:22:35.200 that we have the most access to because gay men because it's harder to find a woman who can rent her

01:22:41.280 uterus than it is to extract sperm from a man and insert it into a lesbian mother so we've got more stories

01:22:47.280 of kids with same-sex parents who are two moms versus two dads more from sperm donation than surrogacy

01:22:53.440 but how did these kids feel they're starved they're starved they've struggled to formulate their own

01:23:00.240 sense of identity because they did not have either a same sex or an opposite sex parent in their home

01:23:05.840 and that's actually pretty important when it comes to understanding yourself and then interacting with

01:23:10.400 the rest of the world the whole beauty of having a male parent and a female parent in your house is

01:23:17.280 you always have one parent that shows you what you're going to become when you grow up and you

01:23:21.440 always have one parent that shows you what should be you should be seeking when you grow up and when you

01:23:27.600 ditch one of those it is very hard for kids to have proper identity formation and properly interact

01:23:34.800 with the world so they hunger you know we have about 30 stories in our book of kids with same-sex parents

01:23:41.440 and like the kind of hunger they experience and what you see is kids with two moms for example

01:23:46.800 gravitating towards the men in their life the coaches the uncles the fathers of their friends

01:23:52.400 and sometimes that goes well and sometimes it goes very poorly because these are kids that are easily

01:23:57.120 victimized because they're so hungry for male love so you really just can't mess with a child's

01:24:04.640 family of origin in whatever way that you think that you can mess with it like don't believe the lies

01:24:09.920 that love makes a family don't believe the lie that the kids will be fine or the kids are resilient

01:24:15.520 kids need their mom and dad loving each other and loving them every day and if they don't get it

01:24:21.440 they're not doomed but you are stacking the deck against them did you hear that story with carrie

01:24:26.560 washington how she was 41 and found out her dad wasn't her dad ah yes it was yes i did not dig into it

01:24:35.840 deep but pretty destabilizing i am yeah she said she was real and that's what you always hear is

01:24:40.560 you're like oh i was kind of confused and that's why you know another thing that's going on paternity

01:24:45.200 fraud i think that's the most evil thing that is the most evil thing you can do to a man and a child

01:24:50.560 not well it's terrible to do to the man it is criminal to do to the child and like i always have

01:24:57.520 what's going on with the adults because and it's easy for us to empathize with them because they're so vocal

01:25:02.560 they can articulate they can defend themselves they can write amicus briefs and hire lawyers

01:25:07.120 it's always the kid who is the ultimate victim in those situations um could i have some examples

01:25:13.600 of some success stories or like positive outcomes you've had with families you've worked with

01:25:19.280 oh well i don't necessarily work with families in terms of my non-profit what we do is we seek to

01:25:25.440 change hearts by advocacy and we seek to change laws through get your hands off our kids no don't

01:25:31.520 pass that garbage law in this state yeah um but i think that the main success is we do collect a lot

01:25:37.200 of stories of kids like we don't have stories on our website from adults like adults who experienced

01:25:42.400 infertility or adults that are innocent it's only from kids our job is so you can look at all these

01:25:48.400 things from the perspective of the child the adults get enough attention it is finally time to see this

01:25:53.600 through the eyes of kids what i think is the most encouraging is kids that say the brokenness ends with me

01:26:01.520 my parents divorced or my mother was a single mother by choice or i was raised by same-sex parents

01:26:07.120 or i was created and commodified through big fertility and my kids are not going to have to

01:26:12.960 live through that i am going to choose to do it differently and that actually is harder than it sounds

01:26:19.360 uh because you know we talk about in our second book raising conservative kids that you become what

01:26:26.400 you behold and i've actually listened to a lot of what you're talking about pearl i've listened to

01:26:31.120 several of your interviews really enjoyed them um and you know you talk about like even if you have a

01:26:35.600 good christian girl she's still on instagram right she's still consuming everything that's out there

01:26:40.560 she's still getting these toxic messages and what you're saying is exactly right what we look at

01:26:48.000 will determine our behavior what we give our attention to is going to shape our choices and so

01:26:55.440 when you grow up in a world where mom is gone or dad is gone or they're fighting or they're divorced or

01:27:01.280 they created me through these commercial technological processes you will become what you behold especially

01:27:07.600 when it comes to early childhood um environments so what you have to do is you have to behold something else

01:27:16.400 that is the challenge for kids that are coming out of these broken homes they have to retrain

01:27:21.280 themselves to behold wholeness to behold marriages where moms and dads are loved and respected you know

01:27:29.200 where it's not one parent that's running the show and one that's domineering and one that's emotionally

01:27:34.160 manipulative and one that's bailing at the first chance it's not somebody who is dealing with

01:27:39.600 infertility and then deciding i'm going to cut a child's father or mother out of the equation

01:27:45.040 what we need to do if we're going to break the cycle is you have to be hold something else

01:27:50.080 find other people to behold like for my husband and i every church that we went to we would just

01:27:54.800 find a couple that was successfully married with kids and we'd say we just we're going to behold you

01:28:01.280 we're going to spend time with your family we're going to they invited us to dinners we got to watch

01:28:05.680 them parent we got to ask them for advice like we had to behold something else because we didn't want to

01:28:10.960 become you know what the parents that weren't able to hold it together for us so i think that there's

01:28:18.080 a lot of hope especially because kids that hold on to that pain and that loss and insist that their

01:28:23.840 kids are not going to have to live through it i think that's what's really going to change things

01:28:27.840 yeah i just it's kind of disheartening to be honest because you really even churches like

01:28:35.440 i've been a part of it feminism is so rampant like in like the women's ministries especially

01:28:41.040 like i i don't i don't know what you guys believe but like the women start preaching and stuff like

01:28:47.440 to men and i'm just like what are you what are you this this can't be biblical i'm not like oh my god

01:28:53.440 i'm not like the ceo of the bible but i'm like what the like like no i was like my next book my

01:29:01.520 husband and i are going to co-author and it's going to be called headship why male leadership in the home

01:29:06.080 and the church can save the world or something like that yeah no it's the solution but it's just

01:29:11.440 really disheartening because i i don't even you know um i'm catholic and i'm like you saw the pope

01:29:16.880 just did he's now giving communion to the divorced and the gay no like that's our thing communion's like

01:29:23.520 our thing that's like you know what i mean like yesterday he said he's considering blessing gay unions

01:29:30.640 and instituting yes it's like it's very it's like disheartening so i just see i don't know i just

01:29:37.520 see the world going in a completely different direction and it's just very like i don't want

01:29:42.800 it to but i'm like i just see no evidence it's going to go in the other direction well what are

01:29:48.000 you beholding that's the question and unfortunately too many churches are beholding the culture and then

01:29:52.560 becoming just like it yeah no i there's a you kick people out of your church if they're like if you

01:29:58.240 think they're bad will you like kick them uh we do church discipline and we've done that for

01:30:04.960 that's amazing i think we should bring that back yeah yeah like i know everyone the christians are

01:30:10.720 too nice they let everyone in and i'm like you can't let too many people in they just ruin it

01:30:15.280 well you you don't want to do it unnecessarily but the whole point is you're living by different

01:30:21.920 standards yeah we are not we are in this world we are not at the world we have a different set of rules

01:30:27.200 we use our bodies and our money and our words differently we worship different gods and if

01:30:32.400 you're going to join this community get in here and there's lots and lots of grace for us who fail

01:30:36.880 but you don't get to say i'm doing this and god likes it yeah if you say i'm doing this and god

01:30:41.840 likes it and god approves that's where we're like what step on i have i have um another phrase i want

01:30:48.240 you to i was thinking of this the other day you know they say like we don't want to like stick it out

01:30:52.800 for the kids like that's a bad thing i think that's a good thing i think you should stick it

01:30:57.360 out for the children i'm like when why this is i was like when was this a bad thing i'm like look it

01:31:02.960 i'm very i really want to ban divorce but i'm like okay i'm i'm a compromiser okay i'm i'm very

01:31:08.400 i i can come to a compromise so i'm like you know what all right i'll let you guys out for abuse okay

01:31:15.280 i'll give you adultery like i'll give you guys a couple but i'm like do you know and i'll even give

01:31:21.280 you guys an out when the kids are like 18. okay i'll even out of the i don't think that's a good

01:31:27.760 thing but i'm like i can compromise it's better than what we have you know so i'm like why is

01:31:33.360 sticking it out for the kids a bad thing shouldn't you love your kids more than you like isn't that

01:31:38.400 the whole point of a family and really i was thinking about the idea of traditionalism thinking

01:31:44.320 i was thinking about this the other day like what's modern traditional and i don't even think it's

01:31:49.440 about like the cooking and like wearing these 1950s dresses like i don't even think it is anything to

01:31:56.080 i think those are very cute and i don't i don't even think it's about cooking i'm gonna like you

01:32:00.640 know and i i know a girl that i would consider traditional they outsource everything in their

01:32:05.680 house but she listens to what he says right she works for him and puts the kids first so if they say

01:32:14.080 we're gonna outsource the cooking because you get to spend more time with the kids and my husband

01:32:18.640 says so i'm not saying like obviously most people aren't gonna do that but you see what i'm saying

01:32:22.880 like i was like true traditionalism i really think is like putting the kids in the family first and

01:32:29.040 believing your husband's the head of the household it's not any of this take an instagram picture in a

01:32:34.240 1950s dress you know well and headship biblically understood is not dominance it's not chauvinism it's not

01:32:42.400 that he is the ultimate boss of everything is that he has primary responsibility for the family

01:32:47.920 and submission on the wife's part is not i'm under his thumb it is voluntary followership that's really

01:32:54.240 what it is and this is not a relationship that is marked with inequality it's actually a relationship

01:33:00.720 modeled off the trinity the father son and the holy spirit there is headship there there are roles

01:33:06.560 there they are all 100 god they're all absolutely equal it's not to say that the father is the

01:33:11.600 most important christ is the follower in that equation and the wife then is equated with christ

01:33:19.120 so this is not a demotion right this is not nobody's getting like you can't you can't have two kings

01:33:25.120 right somebody somebody's gotta and it's so interesting because it's like we're so willing

01:33:29.760 to listen to our bosses it's so i thought about this i'm like if your boss or a cop tells you something

01:33:35.680 like you're not gonna i mean some people won't but for the most part you listen right but i'm like

01:33:41.680 we have it so backwards where the person that gives us money we listen to but the person that'll give

01:33:47.440 us a family and children we won't i'm like how backwards is that well everybody needs everybody

01:33:54.240 needs formation men need formation in terms of how to lead and how to love women need formation in terms

01:34:00.560 of how to follow and how to mother and they're actually there's a a place in scripture where

01:34:06.640 titus is being very specific older women teach younger women to do x y and z and one of the

01:34:12.960 things they said is teach them to love their husbands teach them to be in in you know to love

01:34:17.680 their children and raise their children like most of us don't do this by accident and we certainly don't

01:34:23.840 do it when we didn't have it modeled for us right there is a formation for what does a good leader look

01:34:28.720 like because women are not supposed to submit to tyrants who are asking them to sin yeah anything

01:34:33.840 like that right we all need formation you're not going to get that you're you're not going to get

01:34:38.800 that i love jordan peterson i love all of that you will not get that from people you are not in

01:34:44.400 relationship with go to church go to church find the people that are doing it well say form me guide me

01:34:49.920 lead me because we do need incredible mothers and fathers who are loving their kids and you are exactly

01:34:54.960 right you do need to stay together for the kids um we have a section an entire chapter on divorce in

01:35:00.080 our book and at the very end we list these stats of people that decided to stick it out for the kids

01:35:06.640 and on the whole they were happier five years later usually the for worse yes really yes yes no i believe

01:35:15.600 it but i'm like i'm gonna use that i'm gonna use that oh honey i am we are gonna get off this you're

01:35:20.480 gonna send me your address you're getting a book and it can be all the things you need to know about

01:35:25.280 the impact of family breakdown and it's various forms on kids well um it's been a fun convo today

01:35:31.920 i learned a lot i my favorite stat i think you told me was that 70 of divorces are non uh what'd you

01:35:39.120 say they're not fighting wow wow that's so great i believe it to be honest i looking at it's really

01:35:47.120 interesting because i almost like i have women of all ages on my show so it's really interesting

01:35:53.520 because i can almost see the life like like what happens to people based on their choices because

01:35:58.640 i'll meet the 70 year old or 60 year old chick which it's mostly young people but the older women

01:36:04.000 come on that got married right i'll see the women that were career oriented divorced i like i see the

01:36:10.960 outcomes of all these chicks and men too but like i you know i just focus more on the chicks so and um

01:36:19.680 yeah you you just kind of see divorce you know if you're a single mom odds are you're not going to

01:36:26.480 get remarried odds are like you're actually very there's only like a 20 chance i think it's a little

01:36:32.560 less it's like 15 20 chance of you getting remarried 22 chance of a guy living with you again so

01:36:39.600 the grass is not greener on the other side um odds are if you leave you will die alone and i meet

01:36:46.400 these chicks all the time and it's not a happy thing so stick it out for the kids the grass isn't

01:36:53.040 greener on the other side no matter what your instagram says you know yeah that's right believe

01:36:58.240 people talk to people and believe people that are living successful marriages don't listen to um

01:37:03.120 social media influencers who have not been able to keep it together yeah so let me let me know where

01:37:08.080 the people can find you um then before us.com is the place where you can go and subscribe to see

01:37:15.600 everything we're doing um to advance the rights of children including a rolling back no fault divorce

01:37:20.480 which is a big priority for us um you can order raising conservative kids in a woke city on amazon

01:37:27.600 and uh make sure that you raise up kids that cannot be captured so that in a couple decades

01:37:32.800 uh we truly have bred them out and i'm on the dominant voice in culture and and academia

01:37:41.040 um and i'm on twitter i'm not great on twitter like you're really good on twitter and uh that's not

01:37:46.800 me but if you want a few opinions every now and then um i'm at advo underscore katie on twitter well x

01:37:54.320 oh oh yeah i know i don't call it x either okay um guys make sure you go follow her on all social

01:38:02.080 media platforms and make sure you like the video let's get this video to 2 000 likes that's the most

01:38:06.480 important metric that youtube uses to push out these streams um and let me know what policies you

01:38:12.000 guys would like to see passed so we can actually put children first i think you might have convinced me

01:38:18.160 that we should ban all this like um egg and like i don't i didn't really have a strong opinion but i'm

01:38:24.160 like that might be my opinion now so you can have you can have my opinion yeah yeah i like i like it

01:38:30.080 um like the video guys subscribe and we'll talk to you next time

JustPearlyThings - October 09, 2023

The Insights On Modern Families And Child Development ｜ Katy Faust

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