JustPearlyThings - The Role Of A Step Father

00:00:00.000 does the new man have now to your child from another man like what like does he take on

00:00:08.620 all of the responsibility as a father or is there some kind of halfway dad situation going on

00:00:16.040 does that make sense because a lot of women have expect a man for instance there was a viral video

00:00:25.320 this week you know a couple of days ago when this woman was she had a father of her child she had

00:00:31.440 three other children and he came to bring his child every day lunch and then she was like oh

00:00:37.580 I've got three other kids and he's like those ain't my kids I've got one with you I don't have

00:00:42.720 an obligation to look after your children so I'm just like do women who already have children think

00:00:49.140 that their new man or another man has the obligation to look after the children that aren't

00:00:55.480 his I think it depends on if you're dating or if you're or if you're taking things serious I think

00:01:00.980 it depends if you're dating they don't need to see your child you're just you know dating and doing

00:01:06.320 your thing but if you are building with you're moving on and you're building with that person

00:01:10.880 you're gonna you know get engaged get married have children and stuff it that kind of comes with

00:01:16.700 that kind of you you kind of see how they build their own relationship as well I feel I feel like

00:01:22.140 you do group stuff you go out to eat you do whatever you need to do you know and you see if

00:01:27.380 that when you're doing the introducing after six months or after a year you see if your child how they

00:01:32.480 are with that person you need to see if they if they've got that relationship you can't force

00:01:36.840 can't force it is he allowed to discipline your child um it depends on that situation this is the

00:01:44.980 thing because because yeah I was in a relationship for like 10 years right and when I was in that

00:01:51.660 relationship I was with a woman who already had a child we had a child together but what was very um

00:01:59.220 very apparent to me within that relationship was that I was not allowed to discipline this child the

00:02:04.340 way I could discipline my own child right because the child still had the father in their life the

00:02:09.500 father would have something to say about it if I disciplined the child in a certain way and so I

00:02:14.080 there's a lot of men out here saying that they wouldn't get with a woman a lot of men saying they

00:02:19.080 wouldn't get with a woman who already has a child because you get a lot of the benefits sorry you don't

00:02:24.440 get all of the benefits of being a father right but you have the responsibility as a father so it's

00:02:30.820 like what is the incentive for men to actually get with women who actually already have children

00:02:36.820 when you know that at some point in time you are going to be reminded that that child ain't yours

00:02:41.900 I'm going to be controversial and say I think the father should look after the kid

00:02:47.920 they're better off statistically kids are better off after the age of like eight with their fathers

00:02:54.880 over their mothers especially even financially like single fathers tend to be better with money than

00:02:59.440 single mothers oh wait no I'm talking about my I I think the the stepdad should look after the

00:03:05.500 the step kid oh the stepdad okay yeah the step the reason why I say this is because you're picking

00:03:11.940 the woman you know she's got a kid already so you you should assume that you're gonna have to look

00:03:17.620 after her kid even though she might not want you to that's it's like you're picking the woman not the

00:03:22.060 child no but you know she's got a child so you're picking a woman and a child it's not like to marry her

00:03:26.580 yeah like it's like you're she's not gonna accept she's not gonna like um put the kid up for adoption

00:03:31.960 like it's like no you know they're coming as a pair so you gotta prepare yourself already to be like

00:03:37.340 you know what I might not be able to discipline him the way that I want to I'm not I'm gonna have

00:03:42.920 to pay for his this I'm gonna have to pay for that I'm gonna have to pay for that I know I'm gonna

00:03:46.380 have to get this in my air about how you're talking to him please talk to me instead of talking

00:03:50.440 to the kid and I know you're gonna get that but I think I think that um stepdads should be

00:03:55.060 allowed to discipline the kids because yeah because like that it's what he's signing up for

00:03:59.960 if he's going to take on the responsibility he should get it was it was about you to do it though

00:04:05.140 that's not your child that's my child I'll discipline the child nine times out of ten

00:04:10.780 that's what mothers will do yeah you disagree though the door's there no I think if it's not

00:04:16.920 natural it's not organic you can't fool someone into obligation if you do that it builds resentment

00:04:20.840 and that's like coercive control that's like mental abuse and women complain about that all the

00:04:24.880 time and what I notice as well with the women I know that's like that they're um hypocritical

00:04:30.040 there's double standards they they can do that kind of parents said oh well he's not my child if

00:04:35.320 the father has one already but if we do that it's a big problem this is where this is what I disagree

00:04:40.780 yeah that's what but that's why men like oftentimes don't get involved with single moms because it's

00:04:45.320 just it's too confusing for them I'm allowed to do this but not that and I'm taking on the responsibility

00:04:51.020 but I don't get any of the authority and that's why a lot of times they come out and say it's a bad

00:04:55.460 deal and you know what that does to children children even if you've got like two children

00:05:00.740 one's yours and one's not yours that other child sees that that child gets treated differently right

00:05:07.580 and so that child one of the children know that if they're left with stepdad they can probably get

00:05:13.180 away with a little bit more than they could if it was actual dad do you know what I mean and so

00:05:18.460 they'll push the boundaries listen I've told me trust me I've been there yeah I've been there

00:05:22.340 like they will push the boundaries there because they know you can't discipline me like my mom can

00:05:26.340 discipline or my dad can discipline me you say that you say that in my experience obviously I'm not

00:05:31.080 saying this for everybody but in my experience my first son's mother her eldest favored me at one

00:05:37.500 point he drew me in place of his dad in his primary school book and all because I gave him routine

00:05:42.580 and structure I wasn't too pally pally with him I said look this is the boundaries you're stressing

00:05:47.060 out your mother you got a certain bedtime you have to go to bed he said you need to help her out

00:05:51.660 because I said a lot of the time she's running around and you're capable he could iron his clothes

00:05:56.180 he's good at folding so I said you need to give him a bit more responsibility and what I found amazing

00:06:00.900 at the time I thought he despised me but he actually started to we started to get really get on

00:06:05.200 and then a second child I think because his dad weren't actually around he favored me as well so

00:06:11.400 that that middle one actually handed me better than my own son but you know that's what a lot of

00:06:15.780 women will see that they will see that and they'll say that as a bad thing not knowing that you're

00:06:20.180 actually helping the youth so to be fair his mother she actually liked it she encouraged it

00:06:25.340 which I found was a bit peculiar so she in because he the first one okay so we're talking about like

00:06:30.720 women that don't want their partner to discipline the kid so like even when he's like being a man in

00:06:37.360 the house and being like bro like pick up that and whatever like she might not like it but he might

00:06:42.880 like it like when I grew up with a stepdad my mum wouldn't know like certain times like do you know

00:06:48.480 what I mean I'd be like raw like now I'm looking back I'm like this man's amazing bro like do you

00:06:53.020 know what I mean like he took me on as a stepson and treated me like all his other children

00:07:00.120 and did you push the boundaries with him knowing that was your was your actual biological dad around

00:07:05.520 yeah yeah yeah yeah it was a bit of a rich dad poor dad like so basically I was brought up in

00:07:12.840 Trinidad and England and Trinidad then England right my dad was here my stepdad was in Trinidad

00:07:18.740 with my mum and he was Muslim so I was on the militant IS style you know what I'm saying without the

00:07:27.900 terrorism part but you know what I'm trying to say like five times a day like Ramadan everything ready

00:07:34.000 but I'm saying when I look back at that now that was discipline bro do you know I mean I wouldn't

00:07:39.660 see it as that I would be like bro this bread is so annoying like who do you think he is my dad do

00:07:43.640 you think he's my dad do you think times have changed now though like do you think times have

00:07:47.940 changed like children do you think children show step fathers and mothers adults in general the same

00:07:54.840 respect that they did when you were growing up it depends on who's the parent yeah it depends and the

00:07:59.620 character of the child as well depending on the parent bro it's just statistically now it's a lot

00:08:04.840 of single parents so is the skewed because at the end of the day we we tell men avoid single mothers

00:08:13.600 yeah even though some men I don't say that I say I don't tell men to avoid single mothers I say up to a

00:08:21.300 certain age a man should build for himself and if he's going to get with a woman it should be a single

00:08:28.400 woman with no women did no children I feel like people with kids should just date each other like

00:08:33.080 that's and that's also an option but I'm saying if you get once you get to a certain age generally

00:08:38.440 women are going to have one or two children if you get like past the age of 30 and looking for a

00:08:43.580 woman she's probably gonna have a child or two so you're gonna have to decide what you're gonna do

00:08:47.400 but below the age of 30 I don't think any man should be getting with a woman with children you say that

00:08:52.660 but I always find about 27 28 if they don't have a child already or at least been in a serious

00:08:58.120 relationship I start thinking are they weirdos by what age 27 28 if I haven't had a long-term

00:09:04.200 relationship or they haven't had a children I think what's wrong with them so yeah but in this

00:09:09.860 society now really and truly I personally believe you don't really know yourself until you're about

00:09:14.420 late 20s it's statistically 50% of women over 30 are single and childless and but that kind of goes

00:09:23.080 into another stat which is like one out of three women making over $47,000 per year has had an

00:09:27.500 abortion so there's a good chance that maybe they were pregnant at one point but what do you say

00:09:32.460 there's a cultural thing because in the UK my sphere of influence I've seen most women

00:09:37.480 before 30 have children already you saw I mean so before the age of 30 most women maybe run in

00:09:43.720 different circles that Jamaican circle way so are you saying um so if women in your circle if you

00:09:55.860 think women before the age of 30 are having children right um and there is men the same age do you do you

00:10:03.960 advise those men to get with women with children in your 20s no I wouldn't advise that well but it's

00:10:09.880 also the problem is it's a mating strategy so what happens a lot of times is like women have different

00:10:14.800 things that they look for in a guy and one of them is good genes so a lot of times a girl will get

00:10:19.180 pregnant by the guy with the good genes and then find a provider to take care of him later and um if

00:10:24.540 you're if you're the provider she might not have genuine desire for you and actually be attracted to

00:10:28.260 you because she's looking for you to take care of and that's a risk where a lot of guys it'll be good

00:10:33.200 until they get married and they're in a sexless marriage so I would never put up with it but what

00:10:38.620 what attracts you to Amanda like well there's a couple different mating strategies that women look

00:10:43.300 for so like one um is resources when it comes to like money and um resources as in he'll stick around

00:10:50.740 and invest in the child so like girls can kind of feel like what guy is more of like a father one is

00:10:55.880 gene so that's things like height facial symmetry strength that sort of thing um another one is legacy

00:11:02.340 it will he embarrass the family um another one is I always forget the fifth I put in the chat what

00:11:10.000 the fifth one is but yeah there's just different mating strategies that girls but like in language

00:11:14.700 terms there's out and I hate these terms but shout out rollo okay alpha alpha alpha fucks beta bucks

00:11:21.160 and there's the guy that's like the girl's super attracted to and she like sleeps with super soon

00:11:25.380 and there's there's the guy that she makes weight and she wants to take care of her

00:11:31.280 yeah of course and like girls will look for both but like a guy with both is rare

00:11:36.260 yeah they'll probably cheat on you because he's rare and then but the thing is like and we've spoken

00:11:43.280 about this so many times like women generally want the same type of men do you know what I mean

00:11:48.660 and so the reason why you get baby mamas nowadays fighting over the same guy is because those guys

00:11:55.480 are breeding with all of the women right that's why all the baby mamas are fighting over this one guy

00:12:00.800 this one guy's got three four women pregnant so he's got he's got women he's you know those women

00:12:07.260 know exactly what he's like yeah they know exactly what he's like and they choose to breed with him

00:12:11.620 because he has those traits and that's the thing like a lot of girls are sleeping with men that aren't

00:12:15.040 fathers and then and they know and they're sleeping with men that aren't fathers like they're not

00:12:20.040 sorry they're not husbands i should say yeah better better term um and they know they're not husbands

00:12:24.960 and they're sleeping with them and they get pregnant by them and then you know they're shocked when he's

00:12:29.120 not a husband no but you said get pregnant she chose to get yes you know i agree i agree you're a bad

00:12:34.440 bad word right so now we're getting to it now so now we're getting to it you know that guy doesn't

00:12:40.960 want you like how you want him you trap him to have your child and you you try to lock him down

00:12:48.160 not knowing that you trapping him is not going to lock him down you think by you having a baby with

00:12:55.000 him it stops other girls from having a baby with him but they just see and see as i want to have a

00:12:59.340 baby with him as well yeah of course because it's pre-selection so like biologically women are

00:13:05.140 predispositioned to i mean not personally i'm i don't do the whole kids thing but but but in

00:13:12.140 general like like um not not me and i don't need that but but but like genetically we are biologically

00:13:18.960 predispositioned to like men that other women want so if another women woman gave him a baby it

00:13:24.440 signals to us that he can take care of us too right of course yeah my dad just told me don't so are

00:13:29.080 you a virgin then no i'm not a virgin so would you mean you don't do the baby thing then i don't i don't

00:13:33.880 want to date a guy with kids oh i thought you meant you have a baby no i don't have a kid why not would

00:13:40.600 you wait no children you don't want any children no i want i want a lot of kids that's what i'm

00:13:47.200 trying to say i'm saying i don't date guys with children what yeah that's not she wants to build

00:13:52.120 her own yeah because i just feel like like that's something that i really want like me like black men

00:13:58.000 i really want me and my husband to be you like black men bro

00:14:03.280 what's going on here no no i'm just saying basically i saw on another podcast okay you're out of the

00:14:09.700 running you got a couple kids no no i'm saying i saw on a podcast you got black guys i'm saying

00:14:14.580 you're disqualifying you're disqualifying a lot of but not in the u.s 50 of black men are single

00:14:20.820 and childless and in the middle class yeah why would i why would i pick the ones with kids

00:14:24.240 because like no because he's had a kid before so so he might know how to look after the kids better

00:14:29.260 but

00:14:29.680 he's selling himself right now you got kids as well man i'm selling you you're too good

00:14:37.380 like i've just it's been really important to me to have like a stable family unit and that's just

00:14:44.220 something that's really important to me two parents in the home i don't want baby mama drama i don't want

00:14:49.220 any of that i just want two parents in the home we both have the first kid together and i don't

00:14:54.120 think it's really smart to advise girls to go after guys with kids i think that's like a lot

00:14:57.940 of the problems we're seeing so do you want to get married before you have a kid yeah that's what

00:15:02.920 that's the way to do it yeah that's what that's the way to do it like honestly if you get married

00:15:07.580 first a man feels more obliged to stay with the woman i don't know why you think it's the other way

00:15:13.300 around like not the other way around as well bro listen are you gonna get down on your on is she

00:15:18.880 gonna get down on her knee or you're gonna get down on your knee you're getting down on your knee

00:15:22.840 so that means you've already committed to what you're gonna do right yeah but don't you think

00:15:26.520 that's because they're frightened and divorce and they think oh well you know she's gonna take off

00:15:29.820 and that's it's prenup yeah so i mean it's like it's pretty expensive to get a prenup you got 10k

00:15:35.720 laying around i mean if you're gonna risk half your wealth going then i should have 10k laying

00:15:40.120 around if i'm gonna have a white dress and a ring i'm saying that's a reason a lot of guys don't

00:15:44.440 do it is it is expensive um and i just know this because i have a couple friends that have gone

00:15:48.720 through the process and they just like the the cost didn't make sense to them is that what you're

00:15:53.600 going to tell your potential husband what i mean personally personally um like i i want a prenup

00:15:59.340 like on my end i want to prenup so it's a big clinical though yeah it's a big clinical is protecting her

00:16:04.600 yeah no i i'll have a prenup but the thing is i i just don't think it's wise to advise

00:16:10.040 i think people with kids should just date each other you guys can do do you see what do you see

00:16:14.480 why now men wanted to have pre so funny how when women start to make money now they start to understand

00:16:20.360 oh this is why you wanted to prenup i've always said i would sign a prenup yeah i've always said that

00:16:25.320 but i don't i don't really understand why girls marriage is not about romance that's one of the

00:16:32.600 major things that people don't understand marriage is a contract between two people to do something

00:16:37.140 it's not generally about romance in before it became this oh we're romance this fantasize this

00:16:44.320 fantasy it was about the coming together of two families right for a specific reason right and the

00:16:51.260 two people would marry and they would basically they would they would become a conglomerate now do

00:16:57.400 you know what i mean it's not about it's not about it's not about love and that's that's what i think

00:17:01.360 people get wrong and and because when you think about it you're going to be with someone let's

00:17:05.220 say i get married you know let's say let's say we get married at 30 right well me and you

00:17:09.420 stop hype down okay let's say let's say she's my new babe stop stop okay let's say we let's say

00:17:17.620 um me and somebody get married at 30 uh i'm gonna live to probably be 80 90 that's 50 60 years like

00:17:25.640 are you really gonna love them all 50 60 years like there are times when my parents didn't get along

00:17:29.820 but i'm glad that they stayed together because i would hate to do two christmases and i would hate

00:17:35.280 to like have that all split up love is not based on just feeling it's principle it's a choice it's a

00:17:41.220 choice it's a verb it's long suffering that's part of it it makes it easy it's like having medicine

00:17:46.320 that's got sugar in it some of it is bitter but the sweet one's easier to go down it's even emotions

00:17:51.640 are fickle love is commitment it's not just about the feeling so when you're gonna get married love not a

00:17:57.680 feeling yeah it's part that's part of it that's part of it but that's only a small part of it

00:18:01.640 it's a combination of things it's like it's a paradox it's are you saying it's duty yeah that's

00:18:07.060 part of it too yeah but obviously that you have the feeling duty principle long suffering sacrifice

00:18:12.340 these are all parts of it but people only want to take the parts that they like that's the problem

00:18:16.660 i need to ask that doesn't mean your parents didn't love each other because they had arguments

00:18:20.140 yeah no i know that's just that's what i'm saying but i saw a lot of like i had friends parents

00:18:25.360 that also argued growing up and they ended up getting a divorce and i see them like 10 20 years

00:18:31.380 down the line and they regret it because it was it would have been better for the kids and then like

00:18:37.480 i mean you put um i just looked up this stat but a kid is 10 times more likely to be a victim of

00:18:44.020 sexual sexually abused than children that live with both biological parents because if you're bringing

00:18:48.840 in like random yeah you just never know yeah yeah that's one of the reasons why i got rid of my

00:18:54.400 first son's mother imagine stuff like that wait would you be what what that's why i got rid of my

00:18:59.100 first son's mother because of things like that what she's talking about well bringing different men

00:19:03.920 in yeah of course i said look you've had two children already and this year alone they've seen three

00:19:11.560 other men i said this is not the kind of fat person i would sit down with i don't envision

00:19:16.600 a future of you right you know i mean this is a casual thing and then you're trying to force

00:19:21.260 commitment i said i can rebuild i said do you think she was looking for a stepdad for the children

00:19:25.580 yeah of course of course well as soon as she saw that um i've done a bit of writing i worked and i

00:19:31.080 had my even though it was shared housing and i drove a golf mark three old old jalopy but she saw

00:19:37.560 the base of how long ago was this golf mark three yeah yeah 2005. oh i was gonna say golf mark three

00:19:43.020 yeah so they were they're carrying on she's thinking oh well you know his parents are married

00:19:46.880 still so maybe and that's you said to be fair i told her which i was silly i told her that yeah

00:19:51.960 the person i have children with i want to sit down with so he told me to say that we've been a few

00:19:56.420 weeks asleep with her so i mean how long did it take as many of you know i was just banned on tiktok

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JustPearlyThings - December 24, 2022

The Role Of A Step Father

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