This Couple Set A Perfect Standard on Modern Relationship
Episode Stats
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Summary
In this episode of Couple s Therapy, we talk about how to negotiate the terms of a marriage contract and why it s so important to have a contract. We also talk about why a contract is so important and why you should have one.
Transcript
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You know, I owe her the journey that my potential promised her because, you know, my wife didn't marry me when I was a fine suit mogul traveling all over the planet, etc.
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My wife married me when I had just started a company.
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And so there wasn't really the direct evidence that I would be successful, for example, but there was inferred evidence based on the potential that I have.
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And, you know, I have this interesting conversation with my wife.
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One thing I do ask her is to keep her butt in shape, you know, like keep yourself in shape and look good.
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We've had four kids, so it's taking more effort.
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And I say and I say the reason for that is like is really simple.
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I have a promise to keep to you, like when you signed up for this, you sign up for a journey.
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And it is my duty to fulfill my potential to reach the pinnacle of my journey as best as I can reach it.
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I owe that to her because otherwise she signed up not for the man that she married.
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Women marry men hoping that they'll change, but they don't.
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And men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do.
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And so it's my job to honor that phrase by changing as much as I can for the better.
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And it is her job to keep herself appealing to me.
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We, too, have a no fat clause in our marriage contract.
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Like, you can't get a boat without my permission.
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But at least you're both skinny and you're both fit.
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But what if you expect your wife to look good, but you don't look good?
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You expect your wife to have a great butt, but your butt doesn't look great.
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Okay, so what are your other, I'm just curious.
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We went through everything on our relationships on Reddit and found out where every relationship
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Then we negotiated every point before it would get hot.
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So it has everything from interior temperatures that are allowed and how we negotiate that.
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But also, like, will we allow our children to watch porn?
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How will we deal with aging parents when they want to move in?
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We actually give it away to people who read our book.
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That sure explains the angry boat salesman from earlier, huh?
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So what if, like, one of you, like, do gain weight?
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Well, so, yeah, this is actually the really interesting thing about relationship contracts is normally
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the implied social contract, the classic one, right?
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You know, very rarely do people leave, and then suddenly nothing in the contract, the
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social contract, you know, be nice to me, be faithful, all rules are now on the table,
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So what is written out in our contract is, you know, if you break this rule, it will hurt my feelings.
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And it's understood that if you hurt my feelings enough times, eventually I'm going to decide this isn't worth it anymore.
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He's going to decide it's not worth it anymore.
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The point of the negotiation and all the clauses and terms isn't to get to that point of failure.
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It's to avoid it in the first place by having shared social contract terms.
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But then let's say if the whole weight gain is due to then a medical factor.
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How would then you go, how would you go about that?
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There would be forgiveness and understanding, but also there would be the understanding between the two of us that one of us is no longer attractive through no fault of their own.
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Maybe a partner has to find if they really want to have, you know, sex with someone who is attractive.
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Maybe it would be understood in the relationship that it's fine for them to go find it elsewhere.
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But, you know, I think that that's, it's a practical thing.
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But these are, these are, the more important thing is that you've negotiated the terms and you have a shared understanding.
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You're, you know, the relationship becomes less valuable to one or both partners.
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But, um, obviously, aren't the vows like free sickness and in health?
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Oh, our, and our marriage vows, which we wrote, because, you know, we had a secular wedding in a law library.
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Um, we actually said out loud, I do not promise to love you, but I do promise to help you become the person you want to be.
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But what I can promise my wife is to every day attempt to try to become the vision that she sees for me.
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And I think one of the most toxic things in a marriage that is affirmed by our society right now is to marry someone who loves you for who you are.
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And the most important thing when you marry someone isn't who they are, isn't even who they have the potential to be.
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It's who they think you have the potential to be.
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Because if that is not somebody you want to become, that marriage is doomed before it started.
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But if it is somebody who you want to become, and everybody knows this.
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So people are like, oh, your wife can't change you.
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Everybody knows your social group, your friend group.
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And without her, I would be a shell of who I am today.
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So what you're saying is that, I don't know, a man has a responsibility to be useful and reach his potential.
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In such an eloquent way that surmised everything you said to self-perfection.
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Say that when this conversation started, my wife introduced herself as Mrs. Malcolm Collins.
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And the reason she did that is that is the way that women used to introduce themselves.
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Because a relationship and life is a journey away from the self.
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When you get married, you truly become part of a team that is presumably inseparable.
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And then through your kids, you become a story.
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You become separated from even the physicality of the body.
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And that's how you pass forwards in generations.
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And, yeah, I think that this is a beautiful way to contextualize one's life and to not cling.
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This is when we talk about the forces that are disrupting marriages.
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One of the core ways they have done this is to atomize marriages.
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To try to make it so that you are not really with your partner.
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And I think in many ways, even some concepts of the nuclear family do that.
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I say when they first started destroying the marriage was when they took the father out of the home.
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And I think that hopefully, you know, if you look at the 1800s, the corporate family where they all work together, that was the dominant type of family in America.
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And I think that in a post-COVID world where working from home becomes more common.
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And I hope we can put political pressure on politicians to make it easier to work from home and to make these CEOs who say, oh, people shouldn't work from home.
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I was actually thinking that that's, like, a good middle ground for mothers.
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But, like, because now there's more cities that are requiring two incomes, the cost of everything's growing up.
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I was actually thinking that could potentially be a solution for people that don't have the option for the mom to stay home.
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What does working from home have to do with the 15-minute cities?
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That's the whole, anyways, let's pass the WF agenda for a minute and keep this off camera.
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But, anyways, yeah, that's the whole postulation of the 2030 agenda is the 15-minute city.
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Yeah, and so they want to put, anyways, into basically, like, electronic zones that we can't leave.
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Wait, so do you think it's bad if the mom, I was just thinking that would be a potential way for the mom to have an easier time.
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I was going to say, you guys, like, had a secular wedding.
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Do you live a secular life, or is this, because everything you're saying is, like, of course we're doing theology.
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We're extremely religious, but we're secular Calvinists, so.
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Do you remember how I said some people have lost their traditions and they have to rebuild things?
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You know, we didn't have traditions, but we knew that they would bring value and meaning to our kids.
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And so we just thought through things and said, how can we convey the values that we share through traditions that we give to our kids?
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Sorry, as you say things and I don't know what they mean.
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So, essentially, what we raise our kids believing is, like, okay, so if your descendants are still around in a million and ten thousand years,
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they'll probably be closer to the way you would imagine a deity to the way you would imagine a man.
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Who's to say that they relate to time the way you do?
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Maybe they're rewarding you every day for every action you take that ensures a flourishing, pluralistic future for the human species.
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And they punish you when you indulge in vanity, when you indulge in anything that has to do with the self.
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And I think if you search your emotions, you will see this is true.
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Every time, you know, you forsake the future of hopefully our species, the human planet, you will feel a draining of your vitality.
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You're turning your future generations into actual God.
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Like, actually, literally, that's what you're doing, yeah.
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So, I guess, I can surmise it in a much more compact and eloquent way.
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So, let's start with what I owe my future wife.
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So, I owe her my loyalty, my unconditional love, stability as a man.
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Just my respect for her, you know, being the bearer of my children.
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There's obviously more, but that's all that I can think of at the moment.
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Sorry, what you said is exactly what a man wants.
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So, you want to offer to your wife what a woman offers to the relationship.
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But it's a woman that brings stability to the home.
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Yeah, but as a man, if I'm going out to work my nine-to-five, bringing the money home,
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I feel like women are much more chaotic and men are more stable.
00:11:06.160
We practice short and shield marriage, or shovel and shield from Shovel Knight.
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But the idea being that in our marriage, and there's different ways you can relate to gender
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roles, we see the woman's role as being the protector of the family, i.e. she's in charge
00:11:22.840
And then the man's role, with the sword, is to push forwards.
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And what that means is he does like the venture capital stuff, the starting the companies,
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the media pushes, which is meant to raise the family status.
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And so, the woman protects the family stability-wise, while the man advances the family's goals
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It enables aggressive behavior, risk-taking behavior, basically go big or go home.
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That's good for the venture capital, not the, you know, bond hole.
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Like, the woman stays home and tends the farm, and the man goes out and gets the plunder and
00:12:05.180
No, but you see, and that is why, I actually agree with them.
00:12:07.540
I actually agree with them, because that is why, in the past, it was actually the woman's
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Because the woman's family brings the dowry that gives the family the stability, and
00:12:23.340
It's actually consistent across a lot of cultures.
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It was in Africa as well, but it's also shifted after a while.
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In Africa, in the Middle East, it was always from the man's side.
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But there's different ideological reasons for that.
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But imagine a relationship where a woman is trying to bring order to a man.
00:13:01.980
Because then you're trying to basically become the man's mother.
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So it is, in fact, a man's job to create order.
00:13:08.440
And the whole thing about this thought train, right?
00:13:09.980
Like, men have a higher propensity for risk-seeking behavior.
00:13:12.540
But that propensity for risk-seeking behavior is in order to bring the outside world into order.
00:13:17.240
But that's a discussion that's going to be quite lengthy, quite deep.
00:13:20.420
It sounds like we're talking about dominance maybe more than order, but whatever.
00:13:27.060
It sounds like we're talking about dominance rather than order.
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Order is making sure, you know, it's making the schedule, the itinerary, packing the picnic basket.
00:13:42.780
Dominance is saying, this is how it's going to be.
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And I think that one is very masculine and very feminine.
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And can I tell you why that argument breaks down immediately?
00:13:52.140
Because as a business owner and a businessman who owns a company with offices across 26 countries,
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if I go to the market and I say to the market, this is what you're going to want, this is how it's going to be,
00:14:00.060
the market's going to say, if you, Dimitri, you're not buying it because people vote with their dollars, right?
00:14:03.800
And so a man cannot bring dominance to the market.
00:14:05.660
A man can only bring order to the market and it's only what the market desires.
00:14:10.040
You're talking about the market, not a marriage.
00:14:13.980
Can we just agree to this story that we all live our lives differently?
00:14:17.820
And what works for one doesn't have to work for the other.
00:14:28.500
I mean, you're talking about a list that goes on and on and on.
00:14:38.900
For me, it's just a whole element that can contribute to happiness.
00:14:45.200
Yeah, I think men, generally, in my opinion, I think we should provide financial stability, security.
00:14:52.760
I think those traditional things shouldn't really die, shouldn't really go away.
00:14:57.680
I think love, respect, communication, a lot of the things everyone has already said.
00:15:04.840
You know, like as a man, I think, you know, they're very important things.
00:15:07.540
And if you provide that, I feel like you could have a successful relationship and marriage as well.
00:15:14.280
And by the way, dominance and order are the same thing in prison.
00:15:21.420
When women enter the market, it changes because women, who's choosing the, who is waiting at the finish line to pick their mate?
00:15:31.060
Women are waiting at the finish line and they pick the winners.
00:15:38.220
So the theological view would be order within the home versus outside the home.
00:15:46.240
And a lot of people disagree, but that's, that's how I choose.
00:16:41.300
Feelings lead to divorce compromises everything.
00:16:57.900
I was thinking 27, but I was like, you know what?
00:17:01.820
Let's give them, let's give them a couple years in there.
00:17:06.780
Claire, when a man can have a robot that won't destroy him in family court, take his kids,
00:17:11.880
and have an artificial room, women will finally get it.
00:17:14.780
Technology will bring men the peace women refuse to give them.
00:17:28.260
Why would we want a modern career woman that is masculine?
00:17:31.340
How is that, how that impacts, I'm guessing the kids maybe.
00:17:41.680
It's not that women don't have anything to offer.
00:17:43.360
It's that they, what they offer gives them the thing that gets them, wait, it's that
00:17:48.820
they offer what gives them the thing that gets them the fastest sense of satisfaction.
00:17:54.460
Glenn Lawrence asked, oh, I asked that question already.
00:18:05.580
Well, I've got to respond to this, because this brings up something that we have in male
00:18:08.960
culture that's very similar to women constantly trying to be young.
00:18:11.740
When a man is in a long-term monogamous relationship, his testosterone goes down.
00:18:17.480
When a guy has kids and he's in any way involved in raising them, his testosterone goes down.
00:18:23.380
The male body, when a man is a dedicated father in a monogamous relationship, is going to look
00:18:32.940
Chasing that constant alpha 20s look throughout your entire life means that you aren't spending
00:18:39.060
time on the things you should be if you are a great dad.
00:18:43.300
And at the end of the day, I don't care, like, what these guys think of me.
00:18:47.640
I care that my wife is satisfied and that I have a lot of kids.
00:18:50.840
I think you can have your cake and eat it, too, at this point, because the first time
00:18:59.100
And all the comments were about how fat I was, and I realized very quickly that I need
00:19:04.020
And the reason I realized that is because I have also two sons, and I want to set an
00:19:09.780
example for my sons that I do put myself through pain and suffering by lifting heavy things.
00:19:15.700
And so when you talk about, like, yes, you're right, the testosterone does drop when you
00:19:19.980
Having a woman around, testosterone drops with each kid you have.
00:19:22.780
But you can also take deliberate actions to increase your testosterone, like lifting heavy
00:19:26.740
objects and other nutrients in the way that you choose to live your life, right?
00:19:30.740
Ah, but remember, he said he wanted to please his wife, and nerdcore is my type.
00:19:47.860
I think these guys who are trying to, you know, look like they're in their 20s, look like
00:19:52.440
they're, you know, high testosterone males when they're pair-bonded and they have kids are
00:19:57.100
very similar to those women in bikinis with their boobs out, posting on Instagram.
00:20:08.600
And you should have a body that works for your sons.
00:20:10.420
You should have a body that shows that you can be fit and healthy.
00:20:13.120
Malcolm is fit and healthy, but he's also trying to be hot in the way I like hot, and
00:20:23.540
You're giving hope to a lot of men watching this show.
00:20:32.600
So, now is the time in the show where you give your final thoughts.
00:20:35.800
Any topic you want to speak your piece on, you can shout out your social media handles,
00:20:49.600
Guys, make sure you go in and check out my music.
00:20:53.320
My name's Remy Jean, it's two E's on the Jean, and yeah, DM me, send me a message.
00:21:00.780
She goes, back in the day, it used to be about slow reaction, now it's quick action.
00:21:07.180
And also, check out Channel 4, I bought this girl that was mentoring from years ago onto
00:21:12.900
TV, and now she's doing very, very well in giving opportunities to the Jamaican diaspora
00:21:19.780
So, yeah, I don't really need to shout out to social, just you'll see my face.
00:21:32.160
Please follow me on the gram, Gigi Tanasi official.
00:21:37.840
There's a lot of evil and a lot of bad in our society today, but thank God the forces
00:21:41.980
arrayed against good are not as competent as they are malevolent.
00:21:46.820
This should be an easy battle to win, and we'd love it if you joined us over on our podcast
00:21:50.800
or YouTube at Base Camp, or you can always check out our book series, The Pragmatisguide
00:21:58.740
You can find LGFG, like look good, feel good, lgfg.com.
00:22:02.560
I am on a mission to teach young men and women how to make a million dollars a year.
00:22:07.820
I'm on a mission to help people become more self-sustained and build their personal value
00:22:13.900
I define leadership as what you, I define leadership as the impact you have on others in your lives.
00:22:18.100
I think everybody knows a person or has heard about a person that when you meet that person,
00:22:22.160
And I hope that you aspire to be that person for others.
00:22:27.820
And if you're looking for a career and you're stuck in a career that's not fulfilling to
00:22:31.260
you and you want to grow, to give you guys like some background, tomorrow morning I'm
00:22:38.760
Then I head up to Manchester, to Tommy Fury, and then over to Ozzy Osbourne.
00:22:54.780
But also, I think what Malcolm has been emphasizing over and over is that if you don't like the
00:23:00.300
culture you're growing up in, if you're not happy, and if you're not happy with your options,
00:23:05.620
You know, just hack your way through the jungle with a machete.
00:23:12.140
You know, the Pandora's box has been opened with the internet with a whole lot of stuff that
00:23:16.840
So let's forge a new path if you can't find one that you like.
00:23:23.360
I want to thank you, Paul, and everybody else here for having me and inviting me.
00:23:27.620
Um, my final thought would be, um, well, let me give you a little brief thing here.
00:23:32.820
So I used to work in a nine to five, um, used to work and live in check to check.
00:23:37.380
I've then taken a leap of faith to work for myself and to invest in myself and believe
00:23:44.860
So if anybody who's just looking for that leap of faith to just do their own thing and make
00:23:55.860
Um, my name is Ty, founder of LDNRBS, a group of young kids that literally, and I have a member
00:24:01.920
here too, but a group of young kids that came out, um, with creative ideas and just loads
00:24:07.680
of things in general in a youth club that was designed to get kids off, um, the streets
00:24:13.740
and have ended up influencing a lot of creators all across the UK.
00:24:21.300
And I'd like to firstly, thank you for the opportunity.
00:24:23.960
I think these conversations are very, very important.
00:24:25.800
And I really, really hope that, you know, we can make a change in this world because
00:24:30.660
I think he is getting to that, into a point where it's like, yeah, it's going to be crazy
00:24:37.640
So I think these conversations are very important and yeah, like, you know, I've taken a lot
00:24:42.680
I think we all have, you know, different opinions a little bit, it was a little bit heated,
00:24:46.840
but I think he made it like a, you know, it was a very interesting show.
00:24:50.700
Um, and yeah, I just hope that we can, we can make a positive impact and change in, in this
00:25:04.260
All right, guys, make sure you like the video on your way out.
00:25:08.620
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00:25:11.720
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00:25:15.760
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00:25:27.360
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00:25:52.120
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00:26:06.220
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