JustPearlyThings - August 15, 2023


This Divorced Mom Wants Her Husband Back


Episode Stats

Length

10 minutes

Words per Minute

234.63687

Word Count

2,506

Sentence Count

210

Misogynist Sentences

9

Hate Speech Sentences

3


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Do you ever wish you stayed?
00:00:01.640 Absolutely.
00:00:02.400 Really?
00:00:03.060 Yeah.
00:00:03.540 Well, I wish we could have worked it out.
00:00:05.780 Absolutely.
00:00:06.540 So what, what made you guys get divorced?
00:00:08.300 If you don't mind me asking.
00:00:10.080 Well, I, I, I came to him and I gave him the very clear parameters.
00:00:14.380 I was like, listen, I figured this is happening.
00:00:16.480 This is not deniable.
00:00:17.280 We can't deny this is happening.
00:00:18.480 So let's just save our marriage and save our life.
00:00:21.280 We have a great life.
00:00:22.720 And so I said, you know, I need these three things to happen.
00:00:25.220 And not only did they not happen, but it got much, much worse.
00:00:28.000 And then it got dangerous and they got violent and then it got scary.
00:00:31.240 And then I, you know, then I just felt like I didn't have a choice because things got so
00:00:35.640 violent, dangerous, and scary.
00:00:37.380 So it weren't directly because of cheating.
00:00:40.080 Well, no, initially I started off that way.
00:00:43.480 Cause there's just so much lies and deceit and can I trust this person?
00:00:46.380 And then, but I really, really wanted to, to make it work.
00:00:49.880 I was like, why don't we, we'll just have an open marriage, which I knew would probably
00:00:52.600 kill me inside.
00:00:53.360 But I was like, yeah, I even offered it.
00:00:54.700 You know, I was like, that's really, really, really wanted it.
00:00:57.520 I even gave him a contract for a second child.
00:00:59.380 I said, you don't have to pay for the child.
00:01:01.300 Like I just, I really wanted the marriage to stay together, but I just got scared.
00:01:05.620 So if it was just strictly cheating, do you think it would have worked out?
00:01:09.040 Then it would have been all right?
00:01:10.200 No.
00:01:11.640 Well, I needed certain things to change.
00:01:13.640 I needed some securities that weren't, that weren't, that weren't there.
00:01:17.340 Cause I think, what do you mean securities?
00:01:19.180 Do you mind saying or no?
00:01:20.180 Well, when I found out that he was cheating, I also looked into like our life a little bit
00:01:24.620 more deeply and I realized that absolutely nothing was in my name.
00:01:28.360 Okay.
00:01:29.020 I had nothing.
00:01:29.920 And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm in a really vulnerable position here.
00:01:33.360 Cause I never even thought about it.
00:01:35.120 And so then I was like, listen, I need to have some stake in our lives and it was a protective
00:01:42.260 mechanism clearly.
00:01:43.520 Um, and he was like, no, no way.
00:01:46.700 Can I ask a question?
00:01:47.960 So did you, did you put yourself in that situation where you wanted to make it work for Penelope?
00:01:54.800 For sure only all because you loved him.
00:01:57.140 So did also, I still love him today and he's watching right now.
00:02:00.300 I mean, I was hoping he would come to London yesterday and have lunch with us.
00:02:03.140 I mean, is he still, is he still single?
00:02:06.740 Yeah.
00:02:07.240 He's in a situation.
00:02:08.340 He's in a situation.
00:02:09.620 Okay.
00:02:09.880 So would you ever get back with him?
00:02:13.480 If, I mean, I would consider Penelope thinks I'm crazy, but I talk about it all the time.
00:02:17.260 My dad would never get back with her.
00:02:18.800 So it's like, I don't, I don't know.
00:02:21.360 Can I ask him right now on camera?
00:02:24.320 No, no, don't do that.
00:02:25.320 Can I ask a question?
00:02:26.320 But why wouldn't you, I know you said you would, you would, you're doing it for Penelope
00:02:30.420 and I understand that.
00:02:31.420 Absolutely.
00:02:32.420 You can do anything to keep, um, I think people would do anything, um, for their children,
00:02:37.100 but don't you think that you should love yourself more instead of, uh, after what he's done
00:02:42.380 and that feel like you can do, you deserve better and you don't deserve to be treated like
00:02:45.380 that?
00:02:46.380 I glorified what being a single parent was going to look like.
00:02:49.920 And it was crazy cause I had a single mom, so I should have known better.
00:02:53.820 But honestly, I think it's modern day child abuse.
00:02:56.820 It is.
00:02:57.820 And I watched her and I watched her in my, I watched her growing up struggle so much as
00:03:02.620 one person to do all the work at home, like just one person, no support.
00:03:06.820 I mean, it was so hard for you.
00:03:07.820 Like you were, I remember the nights you were like crying and it also struck a strong heart.
00:03:13.820 And for me, that was like, I never want to have that.
00:03:16.820 And I will do any, anything and everything in my power to never create that for my future
00:03:20.820 family.
00:03:21.820 Because that is so, it was so painful.
00:03:22.820 I don't wish that pain on anyone.
00:03:24.820 So if your man cheats, you're staying then?
00:03:26.820 Yeah.
00:03:27.820 Because if I have a family, I made a, I make a vow.
00:03:30.820 I make a vow.
00:03:31.820 I make a vow.
00:03:32.820 I make a vow to, to God, to higher power that I will stick with this person for the rest
00:03:36.820 of my life.
00:03:37.820 Of course.
00:03:38.820 I thought that I did that with your father too, but you know, it happened, but I can never
00:03:41.820 make up for that.
00:03:42.820 For you not having a dad growing up.
00:03:43.820 And there was a spiritual, like there was a spiritual disconnection there.
00:03:47.820 Well, our values were different.
00:03:49.820 I thought we were in a monogamous relationship, but I, you know, found out otherwise.
00:03:53.820 And maybe it was a phase.
00:03:54.820 I don't know.
00:03:55.820 Maybe you can't change people.
00:03:56.820 I don't know.
00:03:57.820 But you know, it's sad.
00:03:58.820 I mean, guys, he, he still admits to this day.
00:04:00.820 He, he regrets what he did.
00:04:01.820 He wished he didn't do what he did and he, and he, and he wishes he could have changed
00:04:04.820 certain things.
00:04:05.820 So he's not like, doesn't have any remorse.
00:04:07.820 Cause I just feel like majority, not all, majority of men do at some point in their life
00:04:13.820 will cheat in a relationship.
00:04:15.820 They will.
00:04:16.820 They will.
00:04:17.820 And if every woman leaves a man for cheating.
00:04:19.820 Then you have all these, you know, motherless and fatherless families.
00:04:22.820 But I think, I think that's the thing.
00:04:24.820 We're never like, we're never, as women, we're never told like how men are naturally.
00:04:28.820 And like, men just want to screw everything.
00:04:30.820 So it's like, we've kind of been told that if we get cheated on, it's the worst thing
00:04:34.820 ever.
00:04:35.820 And it can't be worked through.
00:04:36.820 Is that because the man isn't in the house?
00:04:38.820 There's a lot of fatherless women.
00:04:40.820 I think that most of, I think that most of society's problem really like come back to
00:04:45.820 single mother homes, to be honest.
00:04:46.820 Like if you look at the prison population, it's like 80% single mother homes.
00:04:50.820 If you look at youth suicides, you're way more likely to be abused as a child.
00:04:55.820 You're way more like every big, I spoke to a homeless shelter director down the street.
00:05:01.820 And I said, why, why like, are these people homeless?
00:05:04.820 Like, cause he has like the worst type of homeless, which is like the street sleepers.
00:05:07.820 Cause there's different like levels of people living in cars.
00:05:09.820 There's whatever.
00:05:10.820 And he told me that, um, he, that most of these, um, people came from single mother homes,
00:05:18.820 especially with like multiple baby daddies or like whatever.
00:05:21.820 And they, the kids that got ended up getting taken and like put in the system and they've
00:05:25.820 never, they don't know any sense of stability or function.
00:05:28.820 Um, and so if you look at all the like major issues in society, a lot are linked to single
00:05:33.820 mother homes and single father homes don't have the same outcomes.
00:05:36.820 It's not as bad.
00:05:37.820 If you're seeing a lot of, if you grow up in a single household and you see a breakup,
00:05:41.820 then in your head, it might seem like wrong.
00:05:44.820 Like what you were saying with your mom, you can, you can do this because your mom will
00:05:48.820 grow up in a single home.
00:05:49.820 So you might see it as this is something, it's not easy, but it's something I can do.
00:05:53.820 And then when, only when you go through it, you realize that, right, this is mad.
00:05:57.820 But if we have a lot more family units in the house and working at things, then the children
00:06:03.820 get to see like, okay, my mom and dad went through this, but they managed to go through
00:06:08.820 this route to, to help.
00:06:09.820 And because I've, I've been through my inner relationship where I've gone therapy and I've
00:06:13.820 gone places to, to fix things.
00:06:15.820 You get what I'm saying?
00:06:16.820 And even when you talk about therapy earlier, I don't think therapy is there to fix things.
00:06:20.820 It's just there to, for you to help.
00:06:22.820 It is.
00:06:23.820 Not, not, not, I don't think therapy is there to fix.
00:06:25.820 I think it's there to help you understand triggers and understand certain things for
00:06:29.820 you to maneuver.
00:06:30.820 It can never, therapy can never fix nothing.
00:06:33.820 Do you get what I'm saying?
00:06:34.820 Honestly, to be very honest with you, after going to therapy for eight years, maybe 12,
00:06:38.820 I don't believe in therapy.
00:06:40.820 I hear that.
00:06:41.820 There are other ways to fix your problems and you can also just really get over yourself.
00:06:44.820 Honestly, I just decided to get over myself and that's basically how I fix myself.
00:06:48.820 Well, I think, I think that therapy, like it's outsourcing families.
00:06:51.820 It is.
00:06:52.820 Because like, usually you would go to your siblings or you go to, because your, your, your,
00:06:56.820 your mother is going to have a completely different take.
00:06:58.820 Like if you're, let's say if you're in an argument with your boyfriend, she's going to have a completely
00:07:02.820 different take on the situation because she knows you and she knows your positive and your negative traits.
00:07:07.820 So it's like, if I tell my mom, like, Oh, this person reacted to me this way.
00:07:11.820 Mom's going to be like, well, maybe you did this.
00:07:14.820 Like maybe people are scared of that real truth.
00:07:18.820 No, I just think that the therapist doesn't have that information.
00:07:21.820 They didn't grow up with you, but like who knows your daughter better than you.
00:07:24.820 But that's what I'm saying.
00:07:25.820 She might be, she might be scared to go to her mom because she's going to get that harsh reality.
00:07:28.820 And sometimes people don't want the harsh reality.
00:07:30.820 You know what I'm saying?
00:07:31.820 No, I love it.
00:07:32.820 She raised me that way though.
00:07:33.820 Yeah.
00:07:34.820 Like the way you're, the way people raise their children dictates also relationships.
00:07:37.820 It dictates how people react.
00:07:38.820 And so she raised me, giving me the hard truth since I was little and I hated it.
00:07:42.820 I mean, I would scream at you and cry.
00:07:43.820 I used to hate her with my whole being.
00:07:45.820 But that's what I'm saying.
00:07:46.820 You hate, no one likes the truth.
00:07:47.820 No, no.
00:07:48.820 I used to hate her, but now I love her.
00:07:49.820 And I give her like all the props to being honest with me when I didn't want to hear it.
00:07:53.820 She told me I was fat.
00:07:54.820 She was like, you need to get up and go work out.
00:07:56.820 Like she reminded me of that every day.
00:07:58.820 I love that.
00:07:59.820 That's good.
00:08:00.820 That's so funny.
00:08:01.820 I used to get mad at my mom.
00:08:02.820 I wasn't, I wasn't that big, but I was like, kept her pretty, pretty chunky.
00:08:05.820 And my mom would always be like on me because I was just this diehard, like tomboy.
00:08:09.820 And I just didn't want to like look.
00:08:11.820 And I still struggle with it to this day, but I'm like, oh my God, I would be so much worse
00:08:15.820 if my mom wasn't like on me all the time.
00:08:18.820 Cause when you're a kid, you're just like, mom, like I don't want to.
00:08:21.820 And she's like this, she has her master's in nutrition.
00:08:23.820 She's trained thousands of people.
00:08:24.820 And I'm like, I don't want you to tell me what to eat.
00:08:26.820 Like, I don't want you to tell me how to live, how to work out.
00:08:28.820 But I would sit in my room, like obese, fat, you know, crying.
00:08:32.820 I was depressed in my dark room all day.
00:08:34.820 And she'd be like, open the curtains, rip the curtains open, be like, I'm going to take your phone away.
00:08:41.820 And I was like, it was like really intense.
00:08:43.820 You know, she was angry.
00:08:44.820 But those are the kind of parents that you need.
00:08:45.820 But I needed that because this world is cruel.
00:08:48.820 And I've been through some bad things and, and having that, her mentality that she raised me with being honest and saying, Penelope, you need to get up.
00:08:54.820 No, Penelope, this is not true.
00:08:55.820 You know, men, there are men and women.
00:08:57.820 Like these are important things she taught me.
00:08:58.820 It's kind of funny.
00:08:59.820 Like the day you realize your parents were right about everything.
00:09:02.820 It's like, it's like you just wake up one day and you're like, oh, I was like around 21 or 22 for me.
00:09:10.820 I was like, oh my gosh, my mom and dad raised me so well.
00:09:13.820 And they were right about everything they told me.
00:09:15.820 We never listen.
00:09:16.820 We never listen through our teenage years.
00:09:19.820 Except for relationships.
00:09:21.820 Oh yeah.
00:09:22.820 I'm not listening to them for relationship advice.
00:09:23.820 I've got no relationship advice.
00:09:24.820 I'm in the best relationship compared to those two.
00:09:26.820 Yeah.
00:09:27.820 Yeah.
00:09:28.820 Well, do you like the guy she's dating?
00:09:29.820 Very much.
00:09:30.820 Yeah.
00:09:31.820 I mean, I think that I think that mothers like actually we should ask our parents about those
00:09:35.820 like people we date.
00:09:36.820 Yeah.
00:09:37.820 And I actually, he met my mom and my dad and I would, I wouldn't have been with him if they
00:09:40.820 didn't like him.
00:09:41.820 Yeah.
00:09:42.820 Period.
00:09:43.820 Cause that's just how, that's just how it should be.
00:09:44.820 But man liked that as well.
00:09:45.820 Cause even the girl that I'm seeing now, her family unit is strong and I feel like it wouldn't
00:09:49.820 have worked if her, if her mom or things didn't like man.
00:09:52.820 Do you get what I'm saying?
00:09:53.820 Totally.
00:09:54.820 And my family is like my most important thing.
00:09:55.820 But man respect that.
00:09:56.820 Once the family is important to you.
00:09:57.820 Totally.
00:09:58.820 And close to you.
00:09:59.820 Like, I feel like, I feel like men respect women more when they have that family dynamic.
00:10:05.820 Whether the, even if the dad's not there, if the dad's there, obviously he's going to
00:10:09.820 respect it a lot more in it because he's going to come differently.
00:10:12.820 But if, if he knows you have a strong support unit with mom, cousins, aunties, whatever.
00:10:18.820 Yeah.
00:10:19.820 He is going to respect you a lot more than if a girl doesn't really have the same kind
00:10:23.820 of support.
00:10:24.820 We're asking how you find a good woman.
00:10:25.820 And I also find it really challenging to know when you find a good man.
00:10:28.820 I mean, I think by now at 47, you know, it's challenging to find a good man.
00:10:32.820 I think I found one whose values align, but it's not that easy.
00:10:37.820 It's not easy.
00:10:38.820 Exactly.
00:10:39.820 Exactly.