JustPearlyThings - June 02, 2023


This Is Every Divorced Man’s Nightmare


Episode Stats

Length

9 minutes

Words per Minute

188.611

Word Count

1,825

Sentence Count

185

Misogynist Sentences

2


Summary


Transcript

00:00:00.000 UK. Today I have a special guest, Graham, welcome to the show.
00:00:03.920 Hi.
00:00:04.980 So tell me, you've worked with Parental Alienation UK and Fathers for Justice.
00:00:10.640 That's correct, yes.
00:00:11.580 What made you start working with those groups?
00:00:14.800 So it was when it was the start of my separation, what was now my ex-wife.
00:00:21.300 I came home one day, the wife had left, knelt on the table, didn't know where my son lived
00:00:30.500 for two years.
00:00:33.760 Over the first pretty much months, trying to get any form of communication with my ex-wife
00:00:37.880 was pretty desperate, pretty awkward, pretty toxic.
00:00:42.720 So did you see this coming or was it just out of the...
00:00:45.040 Not a clue.
00:00:45.820 You had no clue. So it wasn't like a rocky patch, it wasn't...
00:00:49.880 Yeah, we were going through a tough time. There was issues with her mother and father
00:00:53.420 and they're not particularly nice people.
00:00:57.820 Okay.
00:00:58.600 Okay, and because I didn't jump when they wanted me to jump, fit into the status quo they wanted
00:01:03.080 me to fit into.
00:01:05.080 What do you mean the status quo?
00:01:06.700 So for them it was, I had to very much get into line. I wasn't allowed to... So I was
00:01:12.180 an IT consultant.
00:01:13.940 A what?
00:01:14.560 An IT consultant.
00:01:15.600 Oh, an IT consultant.
00:01:16.180 So I was self-employed, going into big businesses and things like this.
00:01:18.980 That's a good job though. No, they didn't... But they didn't think so?
00:01:21.360 No, because I had no education behind me.
00:01:24.260 Oh.
00:01:24.380 Because I went from the start on my own.
00:01:26.120 Okay.
00:01:26.980 And grinded it out, if you like, from grassroots.
00:01:32.240 Who was I to do that when I'm not educated?
00:01:34.560 Of course, all of a sudden I financially leprogged most of them.
00:01:37.660 So they were, they were more educated, like they were like an educated family and they
00:01:42.240 just looked down upon you because you were not properly, even though school nowadays makes
00:01:47.760 you dumber in my opinion, but in a lot of ages.
00:01:50.540 Weird thing is, her father wasn't educated, wasn't educated himself, but pretended he was
00:01:55.960 some middle class gentleman. And, you know, it was a whole different world.
00:02:02.000 So you came home one day and she was gone? All her stuff was gone?
00:02:06.580 All her stuff. So she took some stuff, just a note on the table. But over the next six
00:02:11.820 weeks, she would suddenly start, she would still come into the house and would just be
00:02:15.100 taking little bits and moving bits around the house.
00:02:17.220 And what did the notes say?
00:02:19.620 The notes said, um, I, I need some space. I need some time to, uh, decide what I want
00:02:28.580 to do. Ironically, two weeks before, which probably should have given an indication, she
00:02:32.640 was trying to say, let's have a trial break up. And I was going, you know, I'm not stupid.
00:02:38.560 You know, if you want to do that, that's fine. But I should still think that I should still
00:02:43.480 see our son, you know, and obviously I'm working full time at the moment. So while
00:02:48.000 you're working part time, let me see him every weekend. And then we'll kind of work
00:02:53.360 out from there. And that's really where the problem came. Because I refused to only see
00:02:58.600 him once a fortnight and one evening in the week. Bear mind he was only two at the time.
00:03:02.220 So the amount of time in the evening would have been good for him is quite slim.
00:03:08.580 And she didn't want you to see your son at all?
00:03:10.420 She, first of all, only wanted me to see him within the time she wants me to see him,
00:03:14.440 which was once a fortnight.
00:03:16.060 Once a what?
00:03:16.840 Once a fortnight. Once every two weeks.
00:03:18.420 Oh, once every two weeks.
00:03:19.160 So in the UK, we call it fortnight.
00:03:20.260 A fortnight.
00:03:20.760 Fortnight is just two weeks.
00:03:21.880 Okay.
00:03:22.940 And evening the week. Every week. But for me, I want to be a committed father. I want to
00:03:28.680 be in my son's life as much as I can. And that was suddenly frowned upon. Because I wanted
00:03:34.860 to be in my son's life. When she then left, she said she went to friends for the weekend.
00:03:43.020 Didn't know where my son was. I said, okay, well, can I at least see him this weekend?
00:03:46.640 You have your time, but at least let me just see my son this weekend. Give yourself time.
00:03:50.960 She refused that. And then along came Monday. I decided not to come back. Clearly, that was
00:03:59.540 always going to happen. It was all about trauma. Because she knew I had a cousin coming over
00:04:03.320 for the weekend. And I was going to, obviously, me and my cousin and his kids were going to
00:04:09.360 have a day out. So she knew it would wreck that weekend. So it would be a weekend of the
00:04:13.820 most toughest for me emotionally. And humiliation. And as I'm not starting to come back, I will
00:04:23.760 discuss how, you know, reagents to see my son. So I left it. I was just changing jobs as well
00:04:35.300 at the time. Sorry, not straight away. So I was still in life and self-employed at the
00:04:42.260 time. The next couple of weeks, I was trying to have some form of communication with her.
00:04:47.240 And it was just very blunt. And then I had a text message from her out the blue saying,
00:04:51.700 would you like to see my son? I said, yes, I really would. Can we just speak over the
00:04:58.180 phone rather than text message? Is this just easier? And went complete radio silence. And
00:05:03.840 the next thing I know, if you ever want to see your son again, you have to go to court.
00:05:09.200 Now, there was also, prior to that time, there was a four to five week time span where you
00:05:13.920 were going, I'll apply for court. So don't do it. Don't worry about it. I'll let you know.
00:05:17.620 So she kept telling you she was going to apply for court?
00:05:20.200 I never did. And by how much time, how much time had passed? It was four weeks total from
00:05:26.100 like she left to saying in order to see your son? Five and a half months. Five and a half
00:05:32.240 months. So you knew he didn't see your son at all? Had no communication. Didn't know where
00:05:38.180 he was. I officially didn't know where he lived for two years. Wow. So, and at two years old,
00:05:44.680 that's like a different kid in six months. So when he was, yeah, exactly. So when I saw him on my
00:05:51.640 first day's contact with the court, when I did go to court, F4J, Father for Justice, really helped me.
00:05:58.360 Matt O'Connor was amazing. I had every other, I had every other weekend, four weekend, and the week in
00:06:07.440 the middle, I had him for half a day as well. And that was after the, wait, so I just want to make
00:06:13.100 sure I understand. So she leaves. Six months later, she says, you have to go to court. When?
00:06:18.260 So she left over the next four to, let's say, four to eight weeks. At times, it's kind of,
00:06:24.560 I'm so sorry if it's. So over that time, it was, I'm applying for court, applying for court.
00:06:30.160 Um, and then suddenly, oh no, it's not me. He has to apply for court, as be you. Um, uh.
00:06:38.040 And that was at about six months? That was about. Five and a half. Eight. About, yeah, between four
00:06:44.260 and eight, between four and ten weeks. We'll call it eight weeks. Okay. Okay. Uh, with, there's no
00:06:49.780 communication with my son, not knowing where they were. Um, uh, not knowing what was happening.
00:06:56.200 Then the son would be told that he wants me to apply for it. Um, but that was the point around,
00:07:00.080 I then engaged with F4J. Um, cause I thought, cause there was lots of communication back
00:07:06.660 and forth where I was being, all of a sudden being accused of everything left, right and
00:07:10.860 center, that I was a domestic abuser. Um, I was financially abusive. I was emotionally
00:07:17.100 abusive because we had one argument in seven years. Um. Wow. So this wasn't even like a
00:07:22.380 toxic relationship. This wasn't. No, no, no. You had one argument in seven years. And that
00:07:27.700 was two weeks before she left and I have a feeling and I believe that was. Because she
00:07:33.360 was on her way out the door. Wow. One argument in seven years. Like a shouting argument. Right.
00:07:40.700 You might have disagreements. Right. But a shouting argument, one in seven years. Wow. Okay.
00:07:47.700 So at four to eight weeks, she says roughly, you have to take me to court. And it wasn't
00:07:54.940 until six months that you got to court. Uh, yes. Okay. And then what happened? Um, so the
00:08:01.340 court, um. And by then, just, just to make sure I got it right. By then she had already
00:08:06.040 accused you of abuse. Okay. Yeah. So now you're going to court. With this thing, saying I'm,
00:08:11.480 I'm, I've, I've abused her, all the applications to court. Okay. Um. And I'm assuming she was
00:08:17.240 working with a women's shelter. Women's aid. Women's aid. Women's aid. Okay. So in the end,
00:08:23.040 she actually applied for court in the end anyway. So with the help of F4J, they positioned it.
00:08:29.560 They know the, they know the system. So eventually she actually had to apply for it anyway. Um,
00:08:35.840 at that time I'd also applied for it. I'd had a few pressures myself of people telling me I should
00:08:40.160 apply for it anyway. So it turned out we had two applications. But in the, in, in the long
00:08:44.060 run, it actually turned out that was actually a good thing because it showed that we both
00:08:46.560 wanted, because by her applying to court, she's saying, I want him to see my son. How,
00:08:52.120 you know, our son. I'm applying to court saying I want to see my son. Um, so you can't really
00:08:56.980 go to court at that point and go, I don't want him to see a child. So it kind of worked in
00:09:02.360 my favour, I think, on that one anyway. Um, the judge came straight in. Um,
00:09:10.160 and said, does Mr. Howard have, um, parental responsibility of our son? I said yes. Um,
00:09:17.160 she said yes. And you do have parental relation, sorry, parental responsibility of your son. I
00:09:24.160 said, yes, I definitely do. We were married at the time. Um, I am his father. I'm on the
00:09:27.820 birth certificate. Um, and then he said, well, there's no reason for him not to see the child.
00:09:33.560 There's nothing reported. Um, anything she's put in the application doesn't mean anything.
00:09:38.560 Um, and then he said, well, there's nothing, he said no reason for him not to be in and
00:09:39.560 he said no reason for him not to be in anything.