JustPearlyThings - June 02, 2023


This Is The ULTIMATE Red Flag In Modern Women


Episode Stats


Length

11 minutes

Words per minute

168.97856

Word count

1,876

Sentence count

148

Harmful content

Misogyny

11

sentences flagged

Hate speech

4

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, I speak to a man who has been through hell and high water in his relationship with his wife. He shares his story of how he and his wife went through a breakdown in their marriage and how he managed to get his life back on track.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.480 Does your son know any of this is going on?
00:00:04.160 I've spoke to him about it.
00:00:06.020 I think he's aware, especially more now.
00:00:11.720 I'll try to keep him out of it.
00:00:13.520 It's difficult, especially when she would come to the door
00:00:16.680 and then start shouting at me at the door.
00:00:20.280 During COVID, she once came to my house.
00:00:22.560 Well, she broke into the house once as well.
00:00:25.180 She broke into your house? 1.00
00:00:28.100 For what?
00:00:28.840 To get her stuff, which she had.
00:00:32.440 She had six weeks to get her stuff
00:00:33.600 and she was coming in outside the house 0.94
00:00:34.880 and eventually I was realising that other things were going.
00:00:37.120 So I thought, okay, I need to change the lock to the house now
00:00:38.720 because it's too much for my own sanity.
00:00:41.960 So then she broke into the house. 0.99
00:00:44.600 Then were you able to file a police report?
00:00:46.520 I filed a police report because she was on the mortgage. 0.81
00:00:50.580 She couldn't do anything about it.
00:00:51.360 Unless I could evidence that it was her father doing it,
00:00:53.240 which I believe it was,
00:00:54.560 because I couldn't evidence that.
00:00:56.780 They couldn't do anything about it.
00:00:57.820 Although the police, to be fair, wanted anything.
00:01:02.380 They wanted to arrest her.
00:01:04.060 They didn't have enough to arrest her at that point.
00:01:07.200 So the police were on your side?
00:01:08.720 Yeah, I've had three or four times where the police have been involved
00:01:12.600 and every time they were on my side.
00:01:14.380 And was there any, like, you said you had one fight in seven years.
00:01:20.940 Like, how did you not notice that, like,
00:01:24.780 because this, she sounds insane based on what you're saying. 1.00
00:01:27.920 Like, this sounds all crazy.
00:01:29.740 Was there, like, warning signs when you guys were dating?
00:01:32.320 Not when we were dating, no, no.
00:01:35.520 So if I look back, she was a childish.
00:01:37.840 She was a person who would just go into a flood of tears for no reason.
00:01:41.800 So if you wanted to have a talk, a serious talk about something,
00:01:45.640 all of a sudden she'd be in a flood of tears,
00:01:48.500 and then you'd look out of women. 0.97
00:01:50.200 Because the one argument, like, the pushback that I always get is, like,
00:01:54.920 why don't you just tell them to pick the right girl? 1.00
00:01:59.240 So.
00:02:00.360 That's a hard thing because, A, you don't know someone.
00:02:03.580 The day we met, almost like a couple weeks after being married, she changed.
00:02:08.000 How old was she when you guys got married? 1.00
00:02:11.100 So she was 29, and I was, well, I just turned 30 after I got married.
00:02:17.780 And how long did you date before that?
00:02:19.960 We were together for three years prior to that.
00:02:22.400 And we were living together for about four years.
00:02:24.660 Wow.
00:02:25.680 And you had no, there was no inkling before you got married.
00:02:29.240 And then once you got married, I've heard this.
00:02:32.020 You're not the only guy that said that.
00:02:34.140 But on the outside looking in, it's like, not one inkling in three years?
00:02:39.440 When you look back, it's a different perspective, retrospective.
00:02:42.840 Right.
00:02:43.640 In hindsight.
00:02:45.140 Right.
00:02:45.560 Hindsight's a great thing, right?
00:02:46.340 Yeah.
00:02:46.660 When you look back, you go, damn.
00:02:50.480 Like, what warning signs were there?
00:02:52.320 Just because there's going to be guys watching this.
00:02:53.760 Her family.
00:02:54.840 So her family was?
00:02:56.340 Very toxic.
00:02:57.320 Her father is pathological narcissist.
00:03:00.760 Okay.
00:03:01.140 Proper game player.
00:03:01.960 And he would purposely, because I was the uneducated person, the person he wanted to pick on, we'd be in a lounge and my ex-wife would usually be called into the kitchen by his mother, by her mother.
00:03:16.260 And I'd be then in a lounge with one of our youngest sisters, one of the sisters' husbands.
00:03:25.060 And this conversation was like, it was going around this table like a whirlwind.
00:03:28.420 And eventually, it would be stopping at me, and it would all turn on me, out of humiliation.
00:03:34.580 Just humiliate me.
00:03:35.300 So, when my son was born, I was basically being told that I was going to be a useless father.
00:03:43.420 She told you that, or he did?
00:03:44.980 They were basically telling me that.
00:03:46.480 They were telling me, all indirectly, all the gaslit.
00:03:51.740 What do you mean indirectly?
00:03:52.640 So, it would be by certain comments.
00:03:54.540 So, it would be, for example, oh, you're going to be there for the birth, are you?
00:04:03.900 Oh, okay.
00:04:05.960 Like, no excitement.
00:04:07.240 I'm there to support her.
00:04:10.000 Tell you what, at the birth, you do what you've got to do, and then just go straight back to work.
00:04:16.700 We got it from here.
00:04:19.000 And you said a couple weeks after you guys got married, something changed.
00:04:23.060 It's like, what changed?
00:04:24.560 Could you put your finger on it?
00:04:25.800 I would change it.
00:04:26.580 All of a sudden, it was like she had me.
00:04:30.600 I was doing something online, my business stuff.
00:04:35.480 And all of a sudden, she came in.
00:04:37.240 I said, oh, wait.
00:04:38.220 I could just go back to shop first of all.
00:04:39.460 I said, what are you doing?
00:04:39.860 I was doing my taxes and whatever else.
00:04:42.780 And why are you doing that for?
00:04:44.720 Because I need to do it.
00:04:46.060 And bear in mind, her parents, the other week, or a couple weeks before, were going,
00:04:49.340 we were talking about tax all the time.
00:04:51.440 Tax this, tax that, tax this.
00:04:53.060 Saying to me, almost like, you don't know you have to pay your taxes yet, do you?
00:04:56.460 Are you going to be paying your taxes?
00:04:58.220 Like, I was never going to be good enough.
00:05:02.320 And then I said, in the end, I said, look, please just leave me alone.
00:05:05.680 Let me get on with it.
00:05:07.040 You know, knowing that it was her father in the back.
00:05:12.340 And then she said, why can't I get involved?
00:05:16.700 It's my business, so just let me get on with it.
00:05:19.400 Well, actually, the half of mine, and walked out of the room.
00:05:23.060 She said that.
00:05:27.660 It's half of mine.
00:05:30.600 I mean, I literally at that point was like, whoa.
00:05:36.800 That's a cussing remark.
00:05:38.560 Yeah.
00:05:38.800 On the run-up to the wedding, her family didn't want me involved in the wedding planning.
00:05:51.920 I was told just to turn up on the day in the suit they told me to wear.
00:05:56.340 Wasn't having any involvement in it at all.
00:05:57.960 And it was just game plan.
00:05:58.620 Did you want to be involved?
00:05:59.620 Yeah, because it was part of my day.
00:06:01.040 Some guys don't, I don't know.
00:06:03.500 Yeah, fair enough.
00:06:04.340 If I didn't, fair enough.
00:06:05.440 But I did.
00:06:06.360 But you, so you were actively trying to be involved and they kept telling you just show up.
00:06:10.080 That's it, yeah.
00:06:10.500 So all this little stuff in hindsight made sense, but none of it was like big enough to really set off your alarm bells.
00:06:20.580 No, no.
00:06:21.460 Or the average guys, because the reason I'm asking is there's just guys that watch this.
00:06:27.100 Like how could they avoid these type of women? 0.99
00:06:31.540 Is there any way to tell?
00:06:34.700 I've been asked this question quite a few times by guys.
00:06:39.180 Sometimes you don't know until when it's too late.
00:06:42.300 But also there's a period of time where I would say little things were going on, little niggles, and I just put it, oh, don't worry about it, don't worry about it, you know, grin and carry on. 1.00
00:06:51.800 Grin and carry on.
00:06:52.520 It's okay.
00:06:53.700 I can deal with this.
00:06:56.180 And there's also an element of failure, I think, for me.
00:06:59.800 Really, if I look back and go, I can't ever say, I, and I'm going to make this point, I will not say I regret the marriage because my son came out of the marriage.
00:07:11.080 To regret the marriage would regret my child and that would never, ever happen.
00:07:15.120 Okay?
00:07:15.760 I'll make that pretty clear.
00:07:16.640 But looking back, I was making a lot of, I was being over fair with things.
00:07:29.740 Almost like for a good life.
00:07:31.740 You know, always going, oh, I've got to be wrong for this.
00:07:33.860 Oh, I, you know, I need to see it from her perspective.
00:07:36.240 And, you know, we always have to in a relationship, don't get me wrong.
00:07:38.980 Right.
00:07:39.480 But then looking back, I did it that many times.
00:07:41.900 Where she didn't really try to see your perspective. 0.50
00:07:44.040 And I think if you look back as well, when we, before we even got engaged, because her family was starting to put pressure on me to get engaged as well.
00:07:55.940 Again, there's another, are they pressuring you to get engaged?
00:08:00.000 There should be no pressure on anybody getting engaged.
00:08:02.880 It should be when they're happy to do it.
00:08:04.620 Um, and then all of a sudden it was, if there was anything financial and we both had to pay for something, we always did things 50-50.
00:08:16.140 If it, for example, was 20 pence over my side, that's fine.
00:08:20.600 If it was 20% over her on her side, because sometimes things just work out however it works out, you know.
00:08:25.940 Explain to me why I'm paying more money, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:08:34.600 So it was like all of a sudden that sudden unfairness was okay if it was on her side.
00:08:42.680 Sorry, unfair, sorry.
00:08:45.140 The unfairness was okay if it was unfair for me financially, but not for her.
00:08:49.720 Right, but not for her, yeah.
00:08:50.660 You know?
00:08:54.620 But you wouldn't say there was any, like if people met her at 25, or I think you met her 26, you said you got engaged at 29.
00:09:01.540 Yeah, 25, 26, that's it.
00:09:02.600 Like they would never, like, there wouldn't be anything that's different about her in a room.
00:09:08.580 Like, you know, because I think 15% of women, of marriages end like this, according to some of the research I'm looking at.
00:09:18.820 Not men getting ruined, but it's higher, but like women spitefully ruining men, if that makes sense. 0.99
00:09:26.360 Oh, right, yeah.
00:09:27.080 According, like, there's some, there's obviously going to be debate about the numbers, but half of, only half of marriages end in divorce.
00:09:35.260 So it's like one out of every three divorces ends like this, where the woman is actively, like, trying to ruin and destroy the man. 0.89
00:09:42.560 And that's, it's a higher number than that, but they give a little grace, because maybe there are some, you know, that where the guy is, you know, they have to.
00:09:52.180 Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
00:09:53.300 So, so, so, like, so, out of every 10 women, one to two might do it. 1.00
00:09:59.840 So, like, what, was anything different about her outside of, you said the family was toxic and she had a crazy father.
00:10:07.240 But I'm just curious if a guy meets a 25 or 26 year old after that.
00:10:12.300 So, I would say the initial, look for the love bombing stage.
00:10:17.540 Where?
00:10:17.820 Where you're getting messages, what we call the love bombing stage.
00:10:19.820 Okay.
00:10:20.160 Where you get loads of messages all the time.
00:10:21.840 Okay.
00:10:22.220 Where you're getting on, you know, and it's kind of, um, that stage is, look out for that.
00:10:28.940 It's a nice time, you know, if you think you're loved.
00:10:32.920 And then things suddenly start going, like nitpicks.
00:10:36.140 It's a nice time, you know, it's a nice time.