This LEVEL of CAP is AMAZING🧢
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
216.10887
Summary
In this episode, we talk about the importance of a father being present in his child s life and how it can affect a child s relationship with their father. We also discuss the impact of not having a father figure in your child's life.
Transcript
00:00:00.000
Wait, wait, I've got a question quickly, I've got a question quickly, just a kind of caveat of it, yeah?
00:00:04.420
So, on that note, because you're talking about I, I, I, would you say that the modern woman is selfish then?
00:00:08.980
Yes, because society allows that to be the case, because it's about what you want.
00:00:18.020
I don't think that's the case for every woman, no.
00:00:20.480
Because I've been very selfless in relationships, I've got nothing back.
00:00:27.480
When kids are involved, you kind of have to be selfish, so sorry to cut you off.
00:00:34.580
Well, like, your kids are your priority, so it's like, regardless of what, how anybody feels, like, your child is your priority.
00:00:40.280
Isn't it a priority to stay in that relationship with two parents?
00:00:48.520
Like, when you have a kid, it's not supposed to be about you anymore, it's about your kid, fuck your happiness.
00:00:53.640
I think unless you're in, like, extenuating circumstances where you are getting abused or...
00:01:03.520
But that's not, that's not the majority of cases.
00:01:05.380
If the child's not in danger, you need to try working out together.
00:01:08.620
But that's exactly what, like, for example, my daughter doesn't know we're separate.
00:01:12.780
My daughter hasn't experienced anything different.
00:01:15.040
When she sees us, she sees us very amicable, and she, she doesn't know anything different.
00:01:23.440
But when I say that, when I say I'm putting my daughter first, that's the reason why I'm
00:01:28.040
not chasing another man, or chasing another relationship, because the most beneficial
00:01:33.820
But, like, you see, you keep kind of contradicting yourself, and you did it again just there,
00:01:38.540
because you said your daughter, you don't live in the same house, but your daughter doesn't
00:01:46.740
And when she, and so, and so she might not understand it, but you, you can't say that
00:01:50.680
it's like, she's not going to notice that her dad or her mom isn't in the home.
00:01:54.680
No, but I'm not saying there's, my, my dad used to work here while my family were back
00:01:59.660
My dad wasn't present in their lives every single day.
00:02:02.760
And I think that's another big misconception that a parent or a dad has to be at home every single
00:02:09.680
Did it affect you, not having him there all the time?
00:02:14.500
Like, my dad was an amazing man, an amazing father figure, amazing.
00:02:17.380
That's why I can't trash men, because I have so much respect for my mom.
00:02:19.880
You don't think it would have been better if your dad was there a bit often?
00:02:25.000
I'm just, I'm just thinking about Pearl and her dad.
00:02:28.600
Yeah, my dad, my dad was gone, my dad was gone a lot too, and I'd say, like, it did affect me.
00:02:34.840
I mean, I would have been better if he was there.
00:02:36.480
I still love him and I respect him more than anything.
00:02:38.440
But, like, I think it would be dumb to say I didn't want my dad around more.
00:02:41.660
Do you think it would have changed your perspective on you, because you said that you battled being traditional Western?
00:02:48.800
Do you think if your dad was there more, that you'd be a lot more traditional than Western?
00:02:51.760
No, I think the problem with me was when I went to uni, and I came out of my traditional, or my culture.
00:02:59.760
So, I think that bubble protected me for so long, and I wish I stayed in it a bit longer, because the trauma only came when I thought, oh, let me experience a bit of life.
00:03:09.500
Do you think your dad being present in your life when you were growing up would help you manage your situation right now with your husband better, because he would have been able to advise you, or even now, I don't know what your relationship is like now.
00:03:23.340
But he would be able to guide you, or even have an impact on you in a way that would allow you to manage the situation better.
00:03:32.040
I don't, I feel like I'm managing the situation well compared to what society will tell me, because there's a lot of people that will tell me, why are you even investing any more time?
00:03:42.800
Because a lot of people will say, oh, close book and rush out.
00:03:48.100
I don't think you could say you're managing it well unless you're still with him.
00:03:52.080
No, it's not, it's, it's not, you can't, it's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like failing a test and saying you got an A.
00:03:59.200
No, when I say managing it well, I'm saying about, I'm respecting his values or views in where he is in life.
00:04:05.940
I'm respecting that he's not ready to commit to the marriage and children yet, because he feels like he can't be that responsible.
00:04:14.040
No, wait, wait, wait, before, before that, before that.
00:04:18.680
Like, we can all see how much, like, you love your daughter, how much you're trying to make this work, like, life is hard, you know?
00:04:23.440
Like, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:04:25.800
She only got here, she only got here because she, she, she, because before we said, yeah, that, ah, women, women said they like the truth, innit?
00:04:32.800
Your husband told you the truth, saying that I may potentially want to step out on you, yeah?
00:04:38.100
And that's what started this whole debacle of, of problems of relationship.
00:04:42.040
So him being honest is kind of why you're here, isn't it?
00:04:46.420
It was the, my ex-cheating, that was the issue.
00:04:51.480
No, no, no, that's something I've gone in later, like, just say within the last year.
00:04:55.040
Because it seems to me like you and your husband split because of something that he might do in the future.
00:05:01.040
Yeah, and that was me looking back at myself, saying I was the fault of that.
00:05:06.340
And also, are you now saying that, as a young woman, that traditional is the way to go?
00:05:16.860
I believe, I just believe that this society doesn't enable that.
00:05:19.440
And a lot of my anger as well, even in my relationship, was the fact that I had to work and I had to do things.
00:05:25.040
That a woman shouldn't necessarily do because society now is too expensive.
00:05:30.060
I don't think we can always play in society, though.
00:05:32.900
Can I just say that traditional women always work?
00:05:40.140
You asked your mum how she worked just because she didn't leave the house.
00:05:46.420
No, but I'm saying that it all depends on how you see it.
00:05:50.260
And also, if you and your husband, wouldn't it be better if you both got a flat with three bedrooms and worked it out?
00:06:02.420
So if money wasn't an issue, of course, we could have a mansion and we could be.
00:06:05.840
No, I'm just saying, is it there to live apart than to live together?
00:06:15.860
It's just easier for now because obviously where we're not financially.
00:06:20.220
Is it cheaper to live separately or would it be cheaper to live together?
00:06:24.840
It's just not a position we're at now because we're only, I've only just healed.
00:06:33.860
But obviously if I'm not, like, I've only gone through my counselling and having to learn about myself in the last year and a half.
00:06:42.040
If I'd never done that, I would never have gone through counselling or learned about myself and what I, and I've learned.
00:06:47.240
And I think the thing is, I had an amazing father figure.
00:06:50.320
I had an amazing childhood with my dad and my dad not being there.
00:06:54.220
He was there, you know, him not being there for parts isn't impacted me at all.
00:07:00.020
There was other things that happened when I was a child that made it more difficult, if that makes sense, in me, in my longer lifelong marriage.
00:07:09.340
And I think once I then went counselling for that, I then realised, actually, there was a lot of me that had to heal before I even took that step.
00:07:19.740
Traditional women don't listen to their female friends.
00:07:24.220
Traditional women don't listen to social media.
00:07:27.060
Yeah. And traditional women don't get easily influenced by outside forces.
00:07:33.420
And I think that's what you're struggling with.
00:07:37.020
Because I know you're saying that you're modern and that you want to be traditional.
00:07:40.520
But yet you're saying that these are what your friends are telling you to do.
00:07:43.500
And this is what this person is telling you to do.
00:07:45.260
And this is what the Internet is telling you to do.
00:07:47.260
And this is where your struggle is against your traditional and your modern.
00:07:52.000
But you said that traditional is the way to go.
00:07:54.440
So it will be easier just to fade out all the modern.
00:07:59.220
I feel like, OK, listening to you, I think that it's admirable that you've been for what you've been through.
00:08:05.700
And you've worked on yourself to know where it is that you went wrong.
00:08:09.420
I feel like the social media stuff, the friend stuff, for me, I'm hearing her tell me that that is the past.
00:08:14.400
That's what she did that got her in this position now.
00:08:17.080
And in my mind, or what I believe, is that moving forward, you've learned a lot from what you did wrong.
00:08:24.460
I reckon that even if it's this guy, if it's another guy, you're going to be a better partner than you were before.
00:08:29.260
Because now what you knew about relationships before was from social media, was from friends or whatever.
00:08:35.760
But now you've experienced something different.
00:08:37.640
So now you're more realistic about your expectations.
00:08:40.360
I think that is where the whole traditional thing comes from.
00:08:43.140
Because when I hear tradition, for me, because I'm Nigerian, I think culture.
00:08:47.740
That's why I understand you saying that your dad not been in the house didn't really affect you.
00:08:54.900
If it's what you're around, if that's what you're socializing to, if that's the norm, it's not odd to you.
00:09:05.720
Like, it's just like, this is rye, this is why, this is why, this is why.
00:09:09.880
Because, like, when you're saying, oh, it's social media, it's the culture, it's this, it's that, it's that.
00:09:17.960
It's like, it kind of takes away from accountability when you're just blaming all these things.
00:09:25.000
Because I know she's saying it's admirable that you've got rid of it, and that was in the past and whatever.
00:09:40.140
Okay, by the way, I went carnival only because I lived on Ladbrook Grove.
00:09:51.700
Instead of just saying, instead of just saying, being accountable, and you know what, I wanted
00:09:59.580
So again, I don't see where the issue with carnival is.
00:10:04.340
When I came here late, I didn't know when you went carnival.
00:10:07.520
So all I've heard from you is that you've had the cancer in a year and a half, so that's
00:10:15.040
And even when I went carnival, I'm a very standoffish person.
00:10:18.180
No one will chat to me because my demeanor is very like, mm.
00:10:24.720
If I dance with my friends, it's my girlfriends I'm dancing with.
00:10:33.480
I'm not going there to see the food and see the culture.
00:10:42.020
If you went to carnival this summer, can someone explain to me why that would be a bad thing?
00:10:48.120
I understand you go to carnival for man, but we're all not the same people.
00:10:53.620
I would go somewhere else for someone different.
00:10:55.580
As a woman that's always done carnival, as a traditional single parent with a child under
00:11:02.480
the age of five, that's not looking no man, that wants to stay away from outside influences,
00:11:07.920
that don't want to get influenced by social media, she shouldn't be at carnival.
00:11:12.940
No, I'm just going by what she said that she is and by what she said.
00:11:20.080
That's why Pearl's talking about the contradiction.
00:11:22.400
Because as far as I'm concerned, if I was a single parent with a five-year-old child,
00:11:25.720
the only time I'm going carnival is with my child on a Sunday and we're going to be home
00:11:30.080
by like six o'clock in the evening, I would not as a single parent go carnival without
00:11:48.700
It's like she's contradicting herself the whole show.
00:11:51.260
And so you say one thing and then you say another thing.
00:11:59.060
You'll tell a really long story and like, which is fine.
00:12:03.340
But when you contradict yourself like five times in the story and people start asking
00:12:10.580
I said as a single parent, I would have gone carnival.
00:12:19.640
And I was a younger single parent than you were.
00:12:22.540
Obviously social media came when I was about 16, even probably a bit younger.
00:12:31.320
Like, like this is like your immediate response with anything is like, oh, this
00:12:37.100
I'm saying I was battling what I was battling then.
00:12:41.920
I'm still like, even now when I tell my friends, oh, do you know what?
00:12:46.800
A lot of my friends will be like, oh my God, what are you talking about?
00:12:49.260
Some of them will be like, actually, I get what you mean.
00:12:51.420
Because a lot of them have gone through the cheating back and forth and all of that.
00:12:57.360
So what I'm saying is where I am now, even now, I'm still not who I want to be fully.
00:13:02.200
Because the more days pass, the more I do things, even being a mother, even just working,
00:13:06.820
even everything else, the more I'm learning how much better is being a traditional woman.
00:13:10.980
It's taken me a lot longer, only because I'm having to learn that my mom's life was happier than what I am doing.
00:13:21.840
The difficulties of being a woman in the 21st century.
00:13:24.620
As many of you know, I was just banned on TikTok.
00:13:28.240
And we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform.
00:13:32.520
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00:13:37.040
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00:13:40.980
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