JustPearlyThings - What They Don't Tell You About Co Parenting

00:00:00.000 run a an organization right would that be correct i would say i'm more of an activist

00:00:06.620 you're more of an activist i'm i'm trying to create one at the moment called equal start

00:00:10.820 okay can you tell us a little bit more about that when it comes to fathers

00:00:13.820 well with me i've been campaigning since 2013 before i had trouble with my oldest son

00:00:19.760 obviously to get equal rights for fathers in terms of parental alienation as you know we

00:00:26.160 suffered disproportionately from it and i just want to make a difference in actually getting out

00:00:31.520 there and spreading awareness showing that we have you know the right to parent as just as much as

00:00:37.240 mothers so what about that stat about 200 um children per day being removed by the family

00:00:44.220 court system is that like a is that something you come across really no not really i've never really

00:00:48.740 seen that myself i've more seen 400 000 single fathers raising their children that's what i like

00:00:54.560 to focus on right it's just that created war gathered by nutmeg an organization that shows

00:01:01.300 you the positives of fatherhood in the uk but obviously something like that will be shocking

00:01:06.640 to me 200 a day that's outlandish when you said that um you were having trouble with your like

00:01:12.500 with your do you say your son my eldest son what do you mean well i don't see him much at the moment

00:01:18.840 we're estranged and a lot of the bedrock behind that is because of the typical problems that you

00:01:24.540 see in the uk in family breakdown typical problems you're gonna have to elaborate on that one

00:01:29.540 well my first son mother when we got together um it was a casual thing um before we slept together

00:01:39.180 i said look what is your goals and priorities in life and she was at university at the time

00:01:44.400 so was i but she would have two children i didn't have any so i said look um you're one of four

00:01:50.560 mistresses so are you gonna put up with it or i'm telling you from now i'll tell you my vices and my 1.00

00:01:57.100 virtues so she said that's fine you're being straightforward with me six weeks later she told

00:02:01.620 me she's pregnant and said you sure is it mine that can't be right i said we're gonna have to look 1.00

00:02:06.780 into this so throughout the pregnancy there was a lot of back and forth and i was you know in two

00:02:11.440 months said you know whether i should say getting abortion or will i look like a monster so i was 0.65

00:02:16.360 torn he was traumatized me to be fair and i had a dream once that um my son being in the womb

00:02:24.300 i woke up and said oh please don't kill me daddy so i said you know what don't have it i went and it

00:02:29.700 was a firstborn son so i was pleased so i said yeah have you have the child um came along now 18 months

00:02:36.200 felt like 18 years back and forth you know family corruption i didn't like the way she interacted with 1.00

00:02:44.260 her siblings and her parents i didn't like the way she handed her first two children she introduced 0.99

00:02:49.300 them to me to me far too soon the way i saw it and from then was that loggerheads and it never got

00:02:54.920 any better it just got worse and worse to like to terminate the relationship but then if you're like

00:03:00.160 if she's introduced like just if she's introducing to her children too soon

00:03:04.860 why did you kind of no by that time i was um i was pretty promiscuous that time okay it's one of

00:03:13.700 those things lack of discipline and bad choices and because i thought i told her my stance is i don't

00:03:19.360 want any children so i'll get married she probably thought here comes muggins i'm gonna get him yeah 0.99

00:03:24.720 so you think so you think you got played yeah yeah i think so i would say so you've got two

00:03:30.020 children already at the time she wasn't even 24 yeah and i was not even 25 so i said why would you

00:03:36.960 want to have you've got two children already with different men why would you want to and we're at

00:03:40.540 university i'm lived in shared housing you still live at home with your mother why would you want 0.83

00:03:44.680 me to um be the third one so are you trying to be eureka johnson if you no one doesn't know that

00:03:50.420 pun she's a swedish former host they used to be on gladiators she's got four children four different

00:03:56.260 men so obviously i was mocking her like that but at the end of the day she we we tried he didn't make

00:04:03.720 it much but let's see i had to get rid of it do you think that's common where women try to get 1.00

00:04:09.860 pregnant by a guy that doesn't want to wife them well i haven't got no stats around it but in my sphere

00:04:16.500 like just from anecdotal evidence nothing yeah what do you guys think i think that's true i think so

00:04:21.860 i definitely have heard stories from guys who say that the woman has tried to trap them um so i do

00:04:28.960 think it's pretty common it's very common do women admit to trapping guys never i've never heard a

00:04:35.560 woman admit to trapping a guy maybe not to a guy maybe to their friends yeah yeah because my gut just

00:04:42.200 tells me as a girl like we have so many forms of contraception so if you really don't want to get

00:04:46.660 pregnant by a guy like you'll make you'll make damn sure that you do not get pregnant by the wrong guy 1.00

00:04:52.560 i agree but then again like if it happens by accident like say a girl's on a pill and she ends

00:04:59.940 up getting pregnant and she's against abortion then you know that could happen but i don't think it's

00:05:06.320 very common yeah it seems like it's more like the exception rather than the rule

00:05:09.680 to the co-parents here though how is co-parenting is it an easy process or a hard process

00:05:17.500 oh um i would say it starts off as a hard process and you do have to sometimes you're back and forth

00:05:28.660 back and forth and then you finally get to that to that point might be taking months years um to get to

00:05:35.460 that point of just understanding and realizing what the main you know issue is and what the

00:05:40.260 responsibility is and what you need to do um speaking personally i think with my situation um

00:05:47.760 i was with my son's dad for six years and it didn't work out you know and um and obviously because i've

00:05:55.900 ended the relationship he wasn't very happy and he still was trying but then because i didn't want to

00:06:01.860 he didn't want to take because we weren't together he didn't want to do his part of being of being a

00:06:07.480 dad so when it's like that it's definitely challenging and um yeah you just have to kind of

00:06:13.820 stick at it you give them the the the conditions of look this is how it's going to be are you able

00:06:19.920 to do that if not i'm going to continue doing what i'm doing until you realize the situation so i do agree

00:06:25.680 that some people have a nice flow process of it but some people they it depends on how that

00:06:31.660 relationship was and how you broke how you broken up and and if you know you can be civilized about

00:06:37.840 it when you say you gave him like this is what's going to go on yeah um as a father myself yeah and

00:06:44.360 i don't know if the fathers can testify to it a lot of the time women create hoops for fathers to jump 1.00

00:06:51.520 through and if those fathers do not jump through those hoops the way the woman wants the father to

00:06:57.600 jump through them then they make it difficult for the father to see the child yes some people do

00:07:03.280 but for myself because it was i was like look sort yourself out get yourself your place you got the

00:07:09.720 time i'm not going to rush you so get yourself a job sort yourself out and you know um and yeah when

00:07:16.000 you can find a proper place to stay and you can have him then you you're welcome to i wasn't very

00:07:22.340 pushy i wasn't asking for money i was just getting on with it because at the end of the day i had

00:07:26.520 that's how it is i think it depends on your circumstances and what you're and what yeah

00:07:32.300 and who who broke up with who as well can i ask you something i mean so you said you broke up with

00:07:37.780 him yeah yeah how long after the kid was born did you break up with him um i'll say about about five

00:07:45.980 five years yeah five years after so when when what was a marriage like ever yeah i was i was engaged

00:07:54.680 and everything um and then i got and then i fell pregnant so i was engaged and then i got pregnant

00:07:59.840 two months after and did you consult any of your like male like family as to if you should

00:08:08.380 go in that direction you know what um not really i think how how it was was um yeah it wasn't something

00:08:18.500 to discuss with the family i wasn't really you know i'm not really close in that sense

00:08:23.580 you say that but that's well in hindsight now you could be what why you should have went to the

00:08:29.980 family if you get what i mean the reasons why we broke up was just our own relationship he was also

00:08:35.580 he was a good dad not we broke up you broke up with him yes yes because there was you know layers

00:08:41.800 things that were going on i'm not gonna you was willing to sacrifice your child growing up in a

00:08:47.020 relationship with two parents as to pose your happiness not really because um due to personal

00:08:53.460 reasons i've had to that was a decision i had to make and i do feel like um he's been his his how he

00:09:01.480 was as a dad was not questionable i knew he was good with his son and everything but it was an ongoing

00:09:07.200 situation that had to had to be best for the home as well i had to look at every angle you can't just

00:09:13.980 be like you know stay in a situation that may not be healthy for for for the child you see now we're

00:09:19.700 getting you know i mean you've got to be you're talking about like um assault what do you mean

00:09:26.420 like domestic abuse oh no no i'm not talking about domestic abuse but i'm just saying that um when you

00:09:34.460 both are not on the same page and it's not working in the household you do have to make a decision do you

00:09:40.420 know what i mean i think it's interesting that like we say we speak on the show all the time about um

00:09:45.020 the divorce rates and breakup rates in the uk is 64 percent of relationships marriages specifically

00:09:53.220 women are the ones to initiate the breakup in america it's as high as 80 percent 90 percent if 1.00

00:09:59.140 you're college 90 if you're college educated yeah so if women are the ones breaking off these 1.00

00:10:04.180 relationships um and then making it hard for the father it's a double-edged sword do you know i mean

00:10:10.620 like so fathers are being broken up with and also they are now being um told that they can't see their

00:10:16.980 children the way they want to see their children well i think in the in the u.s um women win custody 1.00

00:10:22.220 cases it's either 70 or 80 percent of the time and it's kind of like why is that it's because women 1.00

00:10:28.280 normally kick the man out the house if if you okay if we establish a routine of me having the kid

00:10:33.820 before i leave the house then you can't have full custody of the kid so what typically men make the 0.93

00:10:39.580 mistake and do is they leave the house with the woman and the kid and then now you're responsible

00:10:43.740 for um paying for the child right and then she can go to court and say that he wasn't involved even if

00:10:50.440 she was keeping him away from the kid and um the other thing that i learned the other day in the u.s

00:10:56.400 at least um you're entitled to 25 for one kid of a man's income and that's after um that's like

00:11:03.880 leftover income so it's not even taxed so a lot of guys get into really bad financial situations

00:11:10.460 because they make a certain amount of money and she gets 25 even 50 if it's more than one kid of

00:11:15.940 his income say he loses the job he still has to pay and it could be months before he gets it changed

00:11:21.260 now he's thousands of dollars in debt and on top of that if she's withholding the kid then she he

00:11:27.640 had to pay thousands of dollars in court to go see his kid so a lot of times breaking up the family

00:11:32.760 leaves a lot of men in like financial ruins i know and depressed suicidal go ahead yeah sorry i know

00:11:38.260 there was someone on the show before and i know i interviewed him myself for for on my channel and

00:11:43.420 he had spent upwards of 25k just trying to see his child in the family court system because he was

00:11:50.500 dealing with a mother who um you know was trying to alienate him from his child and i think a lot of

00:11:56.200 the time when it comes to fathers and mothers one thing that's not spoken about the deadbeat dad

00:12:00.920 narrative is spoken about a lot we've heard it for like decades but what we don't hear about is like

00:12:07.160 deadbeat mothers mothers that are alienating their children from their actual fathers do you know i mean 1.00

00:12:13.840 and i think i think that needs to be spoken about a lot because i think when it comes to when it comes to

00:12:18.420 mothers like i said with jumping through the hoops if you don't do what they say 1.00

00:12:23.160 then you're a deadbeat dad and they'll go around spreading around around the whole town to your

00:12:28.380 family friends that you're a deadbeat dad why but just because you didn't want to jump through the hoops

00:12:34.460 that she said but that's okay like so there's okay

00:12:37.980 you see some women like they would say that about any of their baby father if they're not with them 1.00

00:12:46.240 typically if they say it's their friends or whatever but if you are like you like the guy

00:12:52.760 and you had the baby without him even wanting the baby

00:12:56.040 so now we're talking about fathers that want to be in the life

00:13:00.200 we're not even the kids is not even here yet i did not want to have a kid with you

00:13:04.720 and you had the kid anyway and now i'm forced to look after the kid and you don't understand as a

00:13:13.620 woman how it feels because you've had the kid inside of your belly for so long so you're so

00:13:18.440 attached you don't understand like why doesn't he why doesn't he like doesn't he love the kid it's

00:13:24.240 like men carry so much visceral from women that actually like trapped them and it might not

00:13:31.220 necessarily that i don't like necessarily want to see the kid but every time i see your face

00:13:37.400 it reminds me of what you did do you get what i'm trying to say and it's like the kid is more of a

00:13:44.620 like um like the kid ends up getting hurt but it's more of a extra as opposed to the relationship so

00:13:52.680 that's why when i said to her like did you leave the relationship it's like why would you have a kid

00:13:56.680 with me if you're going to leave me bro but people don't intend people don't plan those kind of

00:14:01.400 things i know situations happen why have the kid then you know and why don't we get married you know

00:14:07.200 even if you get married things do happen yeah but if you get married then it's like you're not making

00:14:13.240 a kid out of wedlock so if i'm if i go if you got a ring on you and i've got a ring on me you have

00:14:18.120 more responsibility as a woman to be more to take on crap or jimmy because what you got to understand 0.76

00:14:23.840 yeah is that sometimes when men say stuff like that they're saying well yeah you can't you can't 0.92

00:14:30.240 just get up and go because you're married yeah but it shouldn't be used as that we shouldn't be

00:14:34.220 looking at that angle we shouldn't be using it for that do you see what i mean you chose the man

00:14:38.600 so yeah and obviously again so it's not like you in jail you you chose the man and we're still entitled

00:14:43.960 to to if things are not working entitled to leave the situation i think the question is at what point

00:14:49.120 is your happiness more important than the kids yeah because when you you raise a kid in a single

00:14:53.240 parent home you're putting your kid at every statistical disadvantage of course but then and

00:14:57.020 so i'm not i'm not saying women should be able to take anything but i think it begs the question and

00:15:01.540 i don't know your personal situation but at what cost as many of you know i was just banned on tiktok

00:15:08.620 and we are demonetized on a daily basis on this platform if you want to help please consider

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JustPearlyThings - December 24, 2022

What They Don't Tell You About Co Parenting

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