JustPearlyThings - What Women Should ENDURE In RELATIONSHIPS @ModernLifeDating

00:00:00.000 Do you believe in marriage and do you believe in divorce?

00:00:04.560 I do believe in marriage, just haven't really had a chance to meet my person, so divorce,

00:00:12.900 I believe in anything that makes two people happy, you know, it's not something you pre-plan,

00:00:18.080 just sign a contract agreement and that's it. So yeah, whatever happens, as long as it works for

00:00:24.900 both. Okay, so you do believe in divorce? Well, I would prefer not to have a divorce,

00:00:30.440 that's probably why I'm still choosing, but if it happens, it happens. Okay, so I just want to

00:00:37.200 know, you do believe in divorce in some situations? Yes, in some situations. Okay, fine. So yeah,

00:00:43.360 I believe in marriage, divorce, not so much. Okay. That's not a fun thing, I'm going through a divorce.

00:00:49.460 Okay. So just finish completing now. So really, I think with most guys, we'll stick it out for the

00:00:59.180 rough, the troughs and the highs and the lows, but maybe the experience in modern, in the modern world

00:01:06.500 is possibly women are less patient. Okay. Stick it out. So it sounds like it wasn't really your

00:01:13.040 choice. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't your choice. Okay. Oh, actually, it was a mutual. It was a mutual

00:01:20.720 choice. Yeah, it was mutual. Okay. Now that I think about it, yeah. Wait, how is it mutual in the end?

00:01:27.640 So she brought it up and then like you later? Like, I don't know how. I was just curious,

00:01:32.980 how is it one-sided than mutual? Well, okay, let's get raw with it. So every time we pretty much had an

00:01:42.180 argument, she, she was calling an end to the marriage each time. And then after 50 times of

00:01:48.640 saying, I'm, I don't want to be in this anymore. I was like, okay. Oh, okay. Like, like I've done.

00:01:55.060 Okay. I've done with this. Okay. Yeah. It's kind of an extreme version. Okay. But I've learned so much

00:02:02.060 from it. Okay. Uh, what about you? Do you believe in marriage and do you believe in divorce? I, I grew up

00:02:07.980 in a society that marriage was a must in order to be with someone and I respect that. And that's

00:02:14.440 fine. My parents have been together forever and that's good. They're happy and not sometimes,

00:02:18.880 but they're still together. Do I believe in divorce? I believe in doing the right thing.

00:02:25.440 What feels right for people? Cause I was so into like, no divorce, it shouldn't happen. But then

00:02:31.800 over the years and working with people that have come, cause can I just very quickly give some

00:02:37.100 background on, I was, you know, I have a very sort of different way of looking at stories because,

00:02:43.760 um, I was, uh, kidnapped and then abused and so on, you know, and eventually when I made it through to

00:02:51.480 the UK, uh, after my kidnap, it was very difficult for me to, to, to form those relationships, whether it's

00:02:58.980 friendship, trust, or even getting married. So eventually I got married and I'm happy and

00:03:04.560 everything is fine. But then I work with people and they haven't gone through war. They haven't

00:03:10.200 gone through kidnap, but they, they can relate to my story. And I say, why could you relate?

00:03:14.520 They said, because I've got war going on in the house. So if there is war in the house,

00:03:19.960 it's completely unfair for children to be exposed to something that is so toxic. So if you recognize

00:03:27.500 it's toxic, you also have the, um, the ability to say no to what's happening to you and therefore

00:03:33.700 you should go for what feels right. So you should not be selfish in terms of thinking by staying in

00:03:39.660 that relationship that you are doing a favor by keeping the kids in that relationship. Or even if

00:03:45.420 the kids are not involved, do you want to be in a relationship that's toxic? So I believe in marriage

00:03:51.980 and I believe in divorce and I stand by it because only for the right reasons, I don't mean changing

00:03:57.620 partners. I don't mean, you know, just, just, just divorce because you feel like it because the

00:04:03.060 grass looks greener, but the grass is not greener on the other side. Okay. So you, you do believe

00:04:08.540 in divorce. I believe in divorce for those reasons. Yes. Okay. So what, what reasons do you believe in it?

00:04:14.340 For example, if there is violence, if you drifted away and you've really genuinely unhappy. Okay. So

00:04:21.160 if you drifted apart and you don't feel like you did before. Well, I mean, we all don't feel the same

00:04:27.920 as we do at the beginning, but I mean more like in a sense that one has grown and the other one has

00:04:33.280 stayed stagnant. Okay. So therefore if you feel like you're not on the same page anymore, so they're no longer

00:04:38.820 you are friends because relationships is friendship. How does one grow and one stay stagnant? Like

00:04:44.240 what does that mean? Um, well, for example, if one grows in terms of following their dreams or

00:04:50.880 following that, what they want to do with their career and the other one just decides to be

00:04:55.860 forever the same, but they then go against the other person, hold the other person back,

00:05:01.800 or they get a bit funny about it. I mean, isn't that usually, isn't that usually what happens?

00:05:06.300 Like one person goes for their career, one watches the kids usually. I think she's what, I think she

00:05:10.140 means like when you're too, because this happened to me when you're in a relationship with someone

00:05:14.520 and one person is a little bit more focused on self-development and the other person is kind of

00:05:19.020 content with their life. Um, when you start, when you start to ascend and level up as a person, like

00:05:24.260 you're, it's up to you in my particular experience as a man to pull your woman up with you and you

00:05:31.160 guys level up together because eventually if you don't level up, there's going to be a gap between

00:05:35.740 two of you and eventually you're going to grow apart over the years. I think, is that what you

00:05:40.180 mean or am I wrong? Absolutely. I was getting there, but I'm, I'm aware of time and everybody

00:05:44.260 should have their say, but having been in a marriage and having been for me, it took a lot

00:05:49.500 to be in a marriage and trust a man and create life again. Cause I was, you know, really badly

00:05:58.460 bruised in so many ways. Cause I don't, you know, I don't want to get into it, but you can read the book

00:06:03.560 about it, but it takes courage to, to give yourself fully in a relationship. So I think

00:06:11.720 both parties should appreciate the fact that we are both vulnerable when you open up and you say

00:06:17.600 you love each other and love means a lot more, not just like, you know. Yeah. I just don't.

00:06:24.440 Yeah. I just don't. If we're talking about like kids, I just don't know if you should get divorced

00:06:30.280 over self development. Like one person develops, one doesn't know. So I'm talking more as a two

00:06:36.520 people. Cause I'm married and I have seen, I had my husband live in Singapore for a while on his own

00:06:43.720 and I raised the boys and I've, I've sacrificed my career so many times. And I even moved to Singapore

00:06:50.200 and had to set up a business from scratch. So you, you do those things because you, you love each other

00:06:57.320 and you support each other. I'm not saying just because you're growing apart and you should get

00:07:02.360 divorced, but if you are miserable and the kids can feel it, I mean, it's, it's a good idea to,

00:07:09.000 to get divorced, to, to speak about it and decide what's best. Okay. What do you think?

00:07:14.920 Yeah. I definitely believe in marriage. I'm a Muslim and it's a big part of our religion to get married.

00:07:21.560 Getting married actually completes half our faith. That's how the importance of marriage in Islam.

00:07:26.200 So I definitely believe in it. I also believe in divorce and like it is a last resort.

00:07:32.600 Divorce is the most hated thing by Allah. That's, that's legal. So it should be a last resort.

00:07:37.560 But in certain situations, yeah, divorce is needed in some situations. A man's beating his wife,

00:07:43.400 for example, she should not definitely stay, stay in a marriage.

00:07:46.040 But as a whole, yeah, I think, um, you should, you should try and work through things. I think we're

00:07:59.720 living in a, uh, a generation now where we're just quitters, whether it be it work, something hard,

00:08:04.920 relationships, just life. I think we're, um, a nation of quitters at the moment. And I think life,

00:08:10.840 life's not easy. Marriage definitely isn't easy. And I think you should really, really work through

00:08:16.760 things and really try your best to try and get through things before divorce. But I think as a

00:08:20.360 last resort, yeah, I think divorce is sometimes needed, but I think marriage is a beautiful thing.

00:08:24.920 Okay. What do you think?

00:08:25.960 I definitely believe in marriage. I want to get married without getting the state and my assets

00:08:31.400 involved. But, um, when it comes to divorce, I'm half Indian. And I like to refer back to my Indian

00:08:37.560 people with the less than 1% divorce rate. Uh, I definitely just think that a lot of people right

00:08:46.680 now, they would rather point the finger at somebody and pull the rug on a relationship

00:08:56.280 and want to get a divorce quickly compared to working it out, sitting down, taking accountability

00:09:03.800 on both parties for the re for their actions. And no, I'm not saying that if a woman is getting 0.61

00:09:10.520 beaten in a relationship, she should stay or a man, because that's what the detractors like to say. 1.00

00:09:16.200 They like to take the most extreme example and act as if it's a blanket statement to all people who

00:09:23.960 are having troubles in relationship. But I do believe the majority of people who get divorces,

00:09:31.400 I believe that the majority of those people could work through their differences. However,

00:09:37.000 we live in this gigantically selfish, narcissistic culture nowadays around the world. And I think

00:09:43.480 everybody's talking about me, me, me, me. But the thing about focusing on me, me, me, me,

00:09:48.760 that's who you end up with. You end up alone and you need to be more mature as a human,

00:09:54.520 as an individual, and you need to focus on we, not me. So you should fucking endure. 0.99

00:10:07.160 What do you think? Do you believe in marriage and do you believe in divorce? 0.99

00:10:12.200 Well, I've recently got engaged, so. Congratulations, all right. Daniel.

00:10:17.720 She's going to endure a lot.

00:10:23.640 I do believe in marriage. I think marriage is one of those things where it's part of everyone.

00:10:28.920 Well, it should be a part of most people's life cycles. It's two souls coming together to make

00:10:34.360 one story and make one future together, which is beautiful in its own sense. Divorce, on the other

00:10:39.640 hand, it's a tricky one because no fault divorces, I don't believe in. And I think that's kind of the

00:10:45.720 crux of a lot of people's arguments because no fault divorce is just, we're not into each other as

00:10:51.400 much as we used to be. I'm a dip, but I'm still going to take off your stuff as I leave. That side of

00:10:57.720 it, I'm not really a fan of. I do believe in divorce, like you said earlier, as a last resort

00:11:05.320 in a stage of like a lot of going ons, because life is a lot of going ons and life is a lot of

00:11:10.920 things. But like, if it was a last resort and your life is in danger, then leave. But like,

00:11:17.320 if it's one of those things, but even in that situation, not to join on too much, you always have,

00:11:21.880 it's also even trickier because bringing up the abuse thing, there are two sides of this.

00:11:27.560 A, he was always kind of abusive and you let it go, which then I have to ask you,

00:11:32.280 why did you marry this person? Or B, he wasn't abusive and he became abusive in the relationship

00:11:38.680 at some point, in which I have to ask, what happened? Because people who aren't aggressive

00:11:44.280 and then suddenly turn aggressive, that's a case study, right? It should be a case study at least,

00:11:49.480 because people who aren't violent don't have the propensity for violence. So if they start doing

00:11:53.880 that, there has to be an underlying reason as to why that happened. I saw a video of a girl that 0.99

00:12:00.120 was taunting a guy about his dead son and then he hit her. Who abused who? She did. Yeah. 0.96

00:12:06.600 100%. Emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is the same.

00:12:11.880 I mean, the reason that I steer a little bit away from both people are wrong answer, which is 100% right,

00:12:17.320 but he shouldn't have hit her. But it's like, it's the prod the bear thing. You know what I mean?

00:12:23.400 Like, if you poke, like, okay, if you're in the woods and you see a bear sleeping and you poke that

00:12:28.040 bear just to wake up and it kills you, whose fault is it? Yeah. The bear's fault for waking up and

00:12:33.960 killing you and realizing it's a bear and you're a human and why are you bugging me? Or you for bugging

00:12:37.800 that bear continuously until it woke up and realized you were there? I think it's just like kind of a

00:12:41.640 difference between, like, men understanding men. Like, I would never talk shit to this guy. 0.99

00:12:46.760 Oh, God. 1.00

00:12:49.800 Because this guy would fuck me up. But, you know, some girls would be like, 1.00

00:12:53.480 fuck you and your tattoos and your ripped jeans or whatever. You know, like, we talked about it 1.00

00:12:57.960 yesterday and it was funny because that girl actually, she did it. We say, like, in an argument,

00:13:02.840 a woman will make a conversation personal. And then she started to take personal shots against me. 1.00

00:13:09.320 And then you don't understand, like, in man world, if you do certain things that it could

00:13:15.800 lead to violence. I'm not saying violence is an okay thing, but when you're doing certain things to

00:13:22.200 provoke violence, you shouldn't be shocked when violence happens. It's an understanding that we

00:13:26.520 have between us. Exactly. An understanding. Yeah. Underline understanding between moat. Well, I just,

00:13:31.320 I just genuinely believe if you're in a toxic relationship, both people are playing a part. You're

00:13:35.480 right. And I just think it's very rare, in my opinion, that it's just one-sided. He's hitting

00:13:41.640 her with no provoke. No provoking. Yeah. It's not like he just walks into the kitchen like,

00:13:46.760 what is this tuna casserole? I'm not saying it doesn't happen,

00:13:50.280 but I just think that the default should be try to work it out always. That should be the default.

00:13:55.720 Because it goes back to the two questions. Was he hitting you from the beginning or did he just start?

00:13:59.880 Yeah. Both of things that you need to figure out why and, and the reasons that you're in the

00:14:04.680 situation. And I think... That's the main question. Sorry. And I want to add it to what you said,

00:14:09.240 Pearl, like people should work it, work it through. Because what happens in today's modern culture,

00:14:13.400 right? When they, when you break up with somebody, they say, oh yeah, the best way to get over someone

00:14:18.760 is to get under someone else, right? Because we have all these modern devices that let us cope

00:14:23.960 with avoiding a responsibility for the relationship failure. Like back in the nineties,

00:14:30.920 you know, eighties, nineties, whatever, pre-internet, when someone dumped you, you had to sit at home 0.99

00:14:34.760 and be like, damn, I suck. Like, what did I do wrong? Now you're like, it wasn't my fault. You get 0.99

00:14:40.200 on Tinder, you get on Bumble, you get on Hinge, and you're just looking for someone else to tell you 0.99

00:14:45.480 you're great instead of taking a moment to reflect on why you fucked up in this relationship. And then, 0.99

00:14:50.920 guess what? You just carry your trauma, your bad shit into the next relationship. And people do 1.00

00:14:56.360 that. They monkey branch, you know, they go from relationship to relationship, relationship.

00:15:00.120 Next thing you know, you're in your late thirties, you're single and you're like, damn, 0.99

00:15:03.880 what the fuck did I do with my life? And sometimes some people in the forties, fifties, 0.96

00:15:07.000 I've seen this happen over lifetimes, you know? In my, in my experience, it, it all comes down to choices.

00:15:12.920 So you may have got, you may be in a relationship where you're suffering abuse,

00:15:16.840 you chose that person originally. And there would have been clues to the red flags. Yeah.

00:15:22.760 Which you ignored when you were feeling, you know, something, oh, I feel love for this person.

00:15:27.640 It's so cute. And I just feel fluffy. Nevermind that he's rude to the, the, the, the, the waiter,

00:15:33.320 nevermind that it, you know, is instantly jealous, nevermind, you know, ignore all those things.

00:15:39.320 And then later on down the line, they all look, these red flags come flying out and you're like,

00:15:44.680 oh my God, where did this come from? I can't believe this. Oh my God, I'm being attacked.

00:15:48.280 But you made the choice originally, and you chose to ignore. I worked with a lot of clients

00:15:53.640 and they discover when I worked with them and say, were the clues there at the beginning? Oh my God,

00:15:58.120 yes, it was there. But their experiences, I, I, everything was fine. We got together.

00:16:03.960 And then it just went, started to turn bad. Because that goes back to the narcissism of today's time.

00:16:10.120 Everybody thinks to the exception to the rule. They're like, I see these red flags, but I got,

00:16:15.640 I got this. I got this. Everybody thinks they can crowbar. I can change him. I can change her.

00:16:20.840 I genuinely have no sympathy for girls that tell me they're. 1.00

JustPearlyThings - June 22, 2023

What Women Should ENDURE In RELATIONSHIPS @ModernLifeDating

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