What Women Should ENDURE In RELATIONSHIPS @ModernLifeDating
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Summary
In this episode, we discuss whether or not we believe in divorce. Do you believe in it? Do you think it should happen? What are the reasons why we should or should we not divorce? Is it something you should do if you are in a toxic relationship?
Transcript
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Do you believe in marriage and do you believe in divorce?
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I do believe in marriage, just haven't really had a chance to meet my person, so divorce,
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I believe in anything that makes two people happy, you know, it's not something you pre-plan,
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just sign a contract agreement and that's it. So yeah, whatever happens, as long as it works for
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both. Okay, so you do believe in divorce? Well, I would prefer not to have a divorce,
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that's probably why I'm still choosing, but if it happens, it happens. Okay, so I just want to
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know, you do believe in divorce in some situations? Yes, in some situations. Okay, fine. So yeah,
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I believe in marriage, divorce, not so much. Okay. That's not a fun thing, I'm going through a divorce.
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Okay. So just finish completing now. So really, I think with most guys, we'll stick it out for the
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rough, the troughs and the highs and the lows, but maybe the experience in modern, in the modern world
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is possibly women are less patient. Okay. Stick it out. So it sounds like it wasn't really your
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choice. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't your choice. Okay. Oh, actually, it was a mutual. It was a mutual
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choice. Yeah, it was mutual. Okay. Now that I think about it, yeah. Wait, how is it mutual in the end?
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So she brought it up and then like you later? Like, I don't know how. I was just curious,
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how is it one-sided than mutual? Well, okay, let's get raw with it. So every time we pretty much had an
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argument, she, she was calling an end to the marriage each time. And then after 50 times of
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saying, I'm, I don't want to be in this anymore. I was like, okay. Oh, okay. Like, like I've done.
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Okay. I've done with this. Okay. Yeah. It's kind of an extreme version. Okay. But I've learned so much
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from it. Okay. Uh, what about you? Do you believe in marriage and do you believe in divorce? I, I grew up
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in a society that marriage was a must in order to be with someone and I respect that. And that's
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fine. My parents have been together forever and that's good. They're happy and not sometimes,
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but they're still together. Do I believe in divorce? I believe in doing the right thing.
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What feels right for people? Cause I was so into like, no divorce, it shouldn't happen. But then
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over the years and working with people that have come, cause can I just very quickly give some
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background on, I was, you know, I have a very sort of different way of looking at stories because,
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um, I was, uh, kidnapped and then abused and so on, you know, and eventually when I made it through to
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the UK, uh, after my kidnap, it was very difficult for me to, to, to form those relationships, whether it's
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friendship, trust, or even getting married. So eventually I got married and I'm happy and
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everything is fine. But then I work with people and they haven't gone through war. They haven't
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gone through kidnap, but they, they can relate to my story. And I say, why could you relate?
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They said, because I've got war going on in the house. So if there is war in the house,
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it's completely unfair for children to be exposed to something that is so toxic. So if you recognize
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it's toxic, you also have the, um, the ability to say no to what's happening to you and therefore
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you should go for what feels right. So you should not be selfish in terms of thinking by staying in
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that relationship that you are doing a favor by keeping the kids in that relationship. Or even if
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the kids are not involved, do you want to be in a relationship that's toxic? So I believe in marriage
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and I believe in divorce and I stand by it because only for the right reasons, I don't mean changing
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partners. I don't mean, you know, just, just, just divorce because you feel like it because the
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grass looks greener, but the grass is not greener on the other side. Okay. So you, you do believe
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in divorce. I believe in divorce for those reasons. Yes. Okay. So what, what reasons do you believe in it?
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For example, if there is violence, if you drifted away and you've really genuinely unhappy. Okay. So
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if you drifted apart and you don't feel like you did before. Well, I mean, we all don't feel the same
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as we do at the beginning, but I mean more like in a sense that one has grown and the other one has
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stayed stagnant. Okay. So therefore if you feel like you're not on the same page anymore, so they're no longer
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you are friends because relationships is friendship. How does one grow and one stay stagnant? Like
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what does that mean? Um, well, for example, if one grows in terms of following their dreams or
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following that, what they want to do with their career and the other one just decides to be
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forever the same, but they then go against the other person, hold the other person back,
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or they get a bit funny about it. I mean, isn't that usually, isn't that usually what happens?
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Like one person goes for their career, one watches the kids usually. I think she's what, I think she
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means like when you're too, because this happened to me when you're in a relationship with someone
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and one person is a little bit more focused on self-development and the other person is kind of
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content with their life. Um, when you start, when you start to ascend and level up as a person, like
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you're, it's up to you in my particular experience as a man to pull your woman up with you and you
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guys level up together because eventually if you don't level up, there's going to be a gap between
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two of you and eventually you're going to grow apart over the years. I think, is that what you
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mean or am I wrong? Absolutely. I was getting there, but I'm, I'm aware of time and everybody
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should have their say, but having been in a marriage and having been for me, it took a lot
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to be in a marriage and trust a man and create life again. Cause I was, you know, really badly
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bruised in so many ways. Cause I don't, you know, I don't want to get into it, but you can read the book
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about it, but it takes courage to, to give yourself fully in a relationship. So I think
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both parties should appreciate the fact that we are both vulnerable when you open up and you say
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you love each other and love means a lot more, not just like, you know. Yeah. I just don't.
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Yeah. I just don't. If we're talking about like kids, I just don't know if you should get divorced
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over self development. Like one person develops, one doesn't know. So I'm talking more as a two
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people. Cause I'm married and I have seen, I had my husband live in Singapore for a while on his own
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and I raised the boys and I've, I've sacrificed my career so many times. And I even moved to Singapore
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and had to set up a business from scratch. So you, you do those things because you, you love each other
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and you support each other. I'm not saying just because you're growing apart and you should get
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divorced, but if you are miserable and the kids can feel it, I mean, it's, it's a good idea to,
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to get divorced, to, to speak about it and decide what's best. Okay. What do you think?
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Yeah. I definitely believe in marriage. I'm a Muslim and it's a big part of our religion to get married.
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Getting married actually completes half our faith. That's how the importance of marriage in Islam.
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So I definitely believe in it. I also believe in divorce and like it is a last resort.
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Divorce is the most hated thing by Allah. That's, that's legal. So it should be a last resort.
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But in certain situations, yeah, divorce is needed in some situations. A man's beating his wife,
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for example, she should not definitely stay, stay in a marriage.
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But as a whole, yeah, I think, um, you should, you should try and work through things. I think we're
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living in a, uh, a generation now where we're just quitters, whether it be it work, something hard,
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relationships, just life. I think we're, um, a nation of quitters at the moment. And I think life,
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life's not easy. Marriage definitely isn't easy. And I think you should really, really work through
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things and really try your best to try and get through things before divorce. But I think as a
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last resort, yeah, I think divorce is sometimes needed, but I think marriage is a beautiful thing.
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I definitely believe in marriage. I want to get married without getting the state and my assets
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involved. But, um, when it comes to divorce, I'm half Indian. And I like to refer back to my Indian
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people with the less than 1% divorce rate. Uh, I definitely just think that a lot of people right
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now, they would rather point the finger at somebody and pull the rug on a relationship
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and want to get a divorce quickly compared to working it out, sitting down, taking accountability
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on both parties for the re for their actions. And no, I'm not saying that if a woman is getting
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beaten in a relationship, she should stay or a man, because that's what the detractors like to say.
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They like to take the most extreme example and act as if it's a blanket statement to all people who
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are having troubles in relationship. But I do believe the majority of people who get divorces,
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I believe that the majority of those people could work through their differences. However,
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we live in this gigantically selfish, narcissistic culture nowadays around the world. And I think
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everybody's talking about me, me, me, me. But the thing about focusing on me, me, me, me,
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that's who you end up with. You end up alone and you need to be more mature as a human,
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as an individual, and you need to focus on we, not me. So you should fucking endure.
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What do you think? Do you believe in marriage and do you believe in divorce?
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Well, I've recently got engaged, so. Congratulations, all right. Daniel.
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I do believe in marriage. I think marriage is one of those things where it's part of everyone.
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Well, it should be a part of most people's life cycles. It's two souls coming together to make
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one story and make one future together, which is beautiful in its own sense. Divorce, on the other
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hand, it's a tricky one because no fault divorces, I don't believe in. And I think that's kind of the
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crux of a lot of people's arguments because no fault divorce is just, we're not into each other as
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much as we used to be. I'm a dip, but I'm still going to take off your stuff as I leave. That side of
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it, I'm not really a fan of. I do believe in divorce, like you said earlier, as a last resort
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in a stage of like a lot of going ons, because life is a lot of going ons and life is a lot of
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things. But like, if it was a last resort and your life is in danger, then leave. But like,
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if it's one of those things, but even in that situation, not to join on too much, you always have,
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it's also even trickier because bringing up the abuse thing, there are two sides of this.
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A, he was always kind of abusive and you let it go, which then I have to ask you,
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why did you marry this person? Or B, he wasn't abusive and he became abusive in the relationship
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at some point, in which I have to ask, what happened? Because people who aren't aggressive
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and then suddenly turn aggressive, that's a case study, right? It should be a case study at least,
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because people who aren't violent don't have the propensity for violence. So if they start doing
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that, there has to be an underlying reason as to why that happened. I saw a video of a girl that
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was taunting a guy about his dead son and then he hit her. Who abused who? She did. Yeah.
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100%. Emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is the same.
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I mean, the reason that I steer a little bit away from both people are wrong answer, which is 100% right,
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but he shouldn't have hit her. But it's like, it's the prod the bear thing. You know what I mean?
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Like, if you poke, like, okay, if you're in the woods and you see a bear sleeping and you poke that
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bear just to wake up and it kills you, whose fault is it? Yeah. The bear's fault for waking up and
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killing you and realizing it's a bear and you're a human and why are you bugging me? Or you for bugging
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that bear continuously until it woke up and realized you were there? I think it's just like kind of a
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difference between, like, men understanding men. Like, I would never talk shit to this guy.
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Because this guy would fuck me up. But, you know, some girls would be like,
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fuck you and your tattoos and your ripped jeans or whatever. You know, like, we talked about it
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yesterday and it was funny because that girl actually, she did it. We say, like, in an argument,
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a woman will make a conversation personal. And then she started to take personal shots against me.
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And then you don't understand, like, in man world, if you do certain things that it could
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lead to violence. I'm not saying violence is an okay thing, but when you're doing certain things to
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provoke violence, you shouldn't be shocked when violence happens. It's an understanding that we
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have between us. Exactly. An understanding. Yeah. Underline understanding between moat. Well, I just,
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I just genuinely believe if you're in a toxic relationship, both people are playing a part. You're
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right. And I just think it's very rare, in my opinion, that it's just one-sided. He's hitting
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her with no provoke. No provoking. Yeah. It's not like he just walks into the kitchen like,
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what is this tuna casserole? I'm not saying it doesn't happen,
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but I just think that the default should be try to work it out always. That should be the default.
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Because it goes back to the two questions. Was he hitting you from the beginning or did he just start?
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Yeah. Both of things that you need to figure out why and, and the reasons that you're in the
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situation. And I think... That's the main question. Sorry. And I want to add it to what you said,
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Pearl, like people should work it, work it through. Because what happens in today's modern culture,
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right? When they, when you break up with somebody, they say, oh yeah, the best way to get over someone
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is to get under someone else, right? Because we have all these modern devices that let us cope
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with avoiding a responsibility for the relationship failure. Like back in the nineties,
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you know, eighties, nineties, whatever, pre-internet, when someone dumped you, you had to sit at home
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and be like, damn, I suck. Like, what did I do wrong? Now you're like, it wasn't my fault. You get
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on Tinder, you get on Bumble, you get on Hinge, and you're just looking for someone else to tell you
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you're great instead of taking a moment to reflect on why you fucked up in this relationship. And then,
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guess what? You just carry your trauma, your bad shit into the next relationship. And people do
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that. They monkey branch, you know, they go from relationship to relationship, relationship.
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Next thing you know, you're in your late thirties, you're single and you're like, damn,
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what the fuck did I do with my life? And sometimes some people in the forties, fifties,
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I've seen this happen over lifetimes, you know? In my, in my experience, it, it all comes down to choices.
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So you may have got, you may be in a relationship where you're suffering abuse,
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you chose that person originally. And there would have been clues to the red flags. Yeah.
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Which you ignored when you were feeling, you know, something, oh, I feel love for this person.
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It's so cute. And I just feel fluffy. Nevermind that he's rude to the, the, the, the, the waiter,
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nevermind that it, you know, is instantly jealous, nevermind, you know, ignore all those things.
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And then later on down the line, they all look, these red flags come flying out and you're like,
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oh my God, where did this come from? I can't believe this. Oh my God, I'm being attacked.
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But you made the choice originally, and you chose to ignore. I worked with a lot of clients
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and they discover when I worked with them and say, were the clues there at the beginning? Oh my God,
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yes, it was there. But their experiences, I, I, everything was fine. We got together.
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And then it just went, started to turn bad. Because that goes back to the narcissism of today's time.
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Everybody thinks to the exception to the rule. They're like, I see these red flags, but I got,
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I got this. I got this. Everybody thinks they can crowbar. I can change him. I can change her.
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I genuinely have no sympathy for girls that tell me they're.