JustPearlyThings - March 26, 2023


Why your happiness Does Not Matter


Episode Stats


Length

11 minutes

Words per minute

224.85498

Word count

2,597

Sentence count

237

Harmful content

Misogyny

5

sentences flagged

Hate speech

4

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we discuss why women tend to leave their marriages and the reasons why they do so. We also talk about why it s important to have a healthy relationship with your partner and how important it is to be a good parent to your kids.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Women tend to leave relationships more than men. 0.99
00:00:02.380 So it's like, why didn't it work out with the baby father?
00:00:04.960 Women leave 70 to 80% of the time, 90% if they're college educated. 1.00
00:00:08.420 If she left the father of her kids, she might leave you too.
00:00:11.120 Men value loyalty.
00:00:12.860 Listen, we can't use those stats to say much because if we break those stats down for reasons why
00:00:19.060 and you look at the pairings and you know how they could...
00:00:21.720 The number one reason is financial.
00:00:23.220 Okay.
00:00:23.800 So let me tell you something about finances, yeah?
00:00:25.660 As a man, if you're meant to be a provider, if you are with a woman that earns more than you,
00:00:33.260 she may leave you, but it's not always because she's gassed and she thinks she's better than you. 0.96
00:00:37.200 A lot of the time when you are...
00:00:38.540 Women are more likely to leave after a promotion. 1.00
00:00:40.120 Yeah, but wait, like a lot of the time when you are doing more than your man is in the field
00:00:44.980 that he's supposed to be doing more than you are, he's going to then act out against you.
00:00:49.880 Not because you...
00:00:51.840 How do you know they're not acting out against him and acting like they're better than him?
00:00:54.640 Because it can go both ways.
00:00:55.940 Okay.
00:00:56.120 And that's why when we use these stats, we need to look at the reasonings why
00:00:59.260 because a lot of the time men get really upset because their woman is doing better than him
00:01:03.180 and that makes him feel emasculated.
00:01:04.740 You're going to leave your husband because he's upset?
00:01:06.400 No, because if he treats me like crap because deep down he knows I'm making more money,
00:01:11.580 he's making him feel some type of way and he's not making me happy,
00:01:13.800 of course I'm going to have to leave.
00:01:15.040 I'm not going to like quit my job so that he can feel better about himself.
00:01:18.040 You don't think it's about the kid's happiness and not yours?
00:01:20.580 The kid's happiness is dependent also on my happiness.
00:01:23.120 Wait.
00:01:23.420 But why?
00:01:23.940 Because if I'm...
00:01:25.480 You don't think happiness is a choice?
00:01:27.500 It is a choice and that's why we make the right choices.
00:01:30.180 Okay, so if it's a choice, then why can't you be happy?
00:01:33.520 Well, I can be happy, but if there is somebody in my life that is...
00:01:36.980 who's happiness is affecting mine because energies are contagious,
00:01:41.160 then I have to separate myself, especially even for kids.
00:01:43.920 This is the thing.
00:01:44.420 Sometimes we think that for children, the best thing is for parents to be together.
00:01:47.560 No.
00:01:47.840 I mean, because statistically it is...
00:01:49.940 The best thing for kids when they are young growing up is to have a healthy, loving relationship
00:01:58.320 being shown in front of them.
00:01:59.720 If you two are not getting on as a married couple, at least separate but keep the love
00:02:03.580 for the child because at the end of the day, it's not about you and the person being together.
00:02:07.380 It's about that kid growing up healthy with mental and emotional stability.
00:02:10.780 I mean, if you guys are getting along, why can't you just live in separate rooms?
00:02:13.960 Live in separate houses.
00:02:14.780 In the house.
00:02:15.340 Why?
00:02:16.040 Because living in separate rooms...
00:02:17.540 Why when it's better for the kids to have two parents in the home?
00:02:19.820 You know what?
00:02:20.280 I genuinely...
00:02:21.020 But see, this is like a modern mindset where it's like me, me, me, me first.
00:02:24.400 My happiness first before my own children.
00:02:26.960 And I think that's why we have a very fucked up society today because it's me, me, me, my
00:02:31.320 happiness, me.
00:02:32.220 Because your happiness directly affects somebody.
00:02:33.900 If I'm depressed, my child is going to feel it.
00:02:36.360 Like, okay, if I'm in a terrible relationship, it's like, okay, you can just figure out how
00:02:42.340 to get along with people.
00:02:43.140 But why are you saying it's important, right?
00:02:44.380 If we look back to our grandmas...
00:02:46.060 And put things aside.
00:02:47.180 But you're compromising your values.
00:02:48.480 What about the values you took in front of God?
00:02:51.980 I would say our society very much is about individualism now because like capitalism is
00:02:57.360 fundamentally based on individualism.
00:02:59.040 And so therefore you feed into your own values now.
00:03:02.560 So now when you're in a marriage, you think, what do I want?
00:03:04.900 Not what my husband or partner wants.
00:03:07.800 Right.
00:03:08.060 You think about what your kids need.
00:03:09.440 And to an extent it's problematic because it makes it more competitive, the market.
00:03:12.580 And it makes your dating life more competitive.
00:03:14.400 No, I think it's a problem because it's not supposed to be about you.
00:03:17.320 It's supposed to be about the family.
00:03:18.660 Exactly.
00:03:18.960 It's supposed to be...
00:03:19.400 Especially the kid.
00:03:20.180 Like, I just think as a mother, you should want your kids to be happy above all else.
00:03:23.800 But if you're sad in your relationship, surely that's going to transpire on your kids.
00:03:27.380 I know.
00:03:27.920 But I'm saying, like, why can't you just put that aside?
00:03:32.500 Raise your kids.
00:03:34.360 And then after that, you could focus on your happiness.
00:03:36.400 Because it did too.
00:03:37.860 It did too.
00:03:38.480 Yeah, but the practice is that as a child, you learn by example.
00:03:41.120 And if you watch your parents argue or you watch your mom constantly compromise her values
00:03:45.740 and say, fine...
00:03:46.520 But then learn not to argue.
00:03:47.800 Yeah, but the fact is...
00:03:48.300 Learn not to get...
00:03:49.080 Learn to get along with them.
00:03:49.760 So you're saying...
00:03:50.080 Yeah, but what if you're like, I don't want to do that.
00:03:52.620 And you always see your mom being like, I don't want to do that.
00:03:54.560 And your father is forcing her to do that.
00:03:56.720 You learn growing up that what you want doesn't matter.
00:03:59.480 And you just have to force yourself to do what you don't like.
00:04:02.000 And that could put you in really harmful situations, don't you think?
00:04:04.880 You're saying to teach these young girls to be complacent. 0.99
00:04:07.500 Like, see their mothers just be complacent with the fact that they're unhappy with this man.
00:04:11.120 I'm saying to put the family above you.
00:04:13.300 But sometimes it's...
00:04:14.200 I'm not saying...
00:04:14.600 I'm saying...
00:04:15.300 I don't...
00:04:16.280 I'm not for abuse.
00:04:18.000 So I...
00:04:18.500 If it's an abusive situation, that's different.
00:04:22.320 Yeah, but...
00:04:23.160 But I think...
00:04:24.000 I think...
00:04:25.000 Wait.
00:04:25.980 I think happiness comes and goes.
00:04:28.500 And I think there were a lot of times...
00:04:30.260 My parents have been married 30 years.
00:04:32.000 And there have been a lot of times where my mom maybe wasn't happy for a couple years.
00:04:36.000 Or my dad maybe wasn't happy for a couple years.
00:04:38.440 But because of us, they stuck it out.
00:04:40.600 And they got happier.
00:04:41.760 And they learned to work it out.
00:04:43.200 And they learned to get along.
00:04:44.700 And I think a lot of times in our society, we throw in the towel before we've even really tried.
00:04:50.840 And I think that's the average length of a first marriage is seven to eight years.
00:04:56.700 Seven to eight years.
00:04:57.840 But after seven to eight years, haven't you tried?
00:04:59.520 But you took vows in front of God.
00:05:02.120 And it doesn't mean anything to people nowadays.
00:05:04.680 You can co-inhabit in a household, right?
00:05:07.000 And not be together, like, as a couple.
00:05:09.200 But in front of the kids, you can just be a united front.
00:05:11.920 But then you can live your own private lounge.
00:05:14.640 You can go and date.
00:05:15.680 You can go and date.
00:05:16.620 But you live together like roommates.
00:05:17.960 I see, right, I think if you're going into a marriage thinking that you're going to be happy, you're going in for the wrong reasons.
00:05:23.580 Because just like Pearl said, there are going to be situations where you're not going to be happy.
00:05:27.320 Just because you're not happy, you're going to leave now.
00:05:29.020 No, if you stand before that court, you stand before you sign the paper, you agree to death, to life, to worse, to better.
00:05:35.720 And not just because you're happy.
00:05:37.260 You have kids involved.
00:05:38.240 Now, it's not about your happiness anymore.
00:05:39.440 Because the fact that you two are going to stay there, that's going to greatly impact the child's life.
00:05:44.160 So if we're not talking about no extreme cases about, you know, any, you know, S.A. going on at home and any abuse or whatever,
00:05:52.480 you're, I don't want to put it so bluntly, but it's not about your happiness.
00:05:56.460 Your life is not yours anymore.
00:05:57.820 You're raising kids now.
00:05:59.260 That's the center of your life.
00:06:00.320 So forget your happiness.
00:06:01.740 Work it out.
00:06:02.400 Look at our grandmas. 0.99
00:06:03.280 Talk to our great, great grandmas.
00:06:04.560 They went, you think they're going to hell?
00:06:06.980 They will see their man cheating, but they say, look, I got kids.
00:06:09.800 So I got to put my kids before me because I know they need me in the house.
00:06:13.080 And I think that's, like, even you said we become way more individualistic now.
00:06:16.780 And is that even to our benefit?
00:06:18.280 Look at the results.
00:06:19.380 It's not doing us any good.
00:06:20.420 Okay.
00:06:20.980 So just taking off what you said and the whole, it's about the family.
00:06:26.080 So your idea of it's about the family is, okay, let's just say you're like,
00:06:30.000 because you're talking about a very specific situation, the ups and downs of a marriage,
00:06:33.400 where you can be unhappy, happy, happy.
00:06:35.040 That's fine.
00:06:35.560 And I think most people would agree on you.
00:06:37.080 You need to ride the highs with the lows.
00:06:39.280 But if you've got a situation where, let's just, for the sake of this argument,
00:06:43.460 we've got a woman and her daughter, or even like, actually, even flip it, a man and his son.
00:06:48.060 And this dude is habitually unhappy, like, every day, just unhappy, miserable.
00:06:55.880 Whole family feels it.
00:06:57.120 All the kids feel it.
00:06:58.540 You're like, but you're staying there.
00:07:00.240 You're putting your family first.
00:07:01.380 But you're teaching this boy, this is what marriage looks like.
00:07:04.320 Thank you.
00:07:04.600 This is what, wait, wait.
00:07:05.340 This is what a family looks like.
00:07:06.700 So he then goes on to have his own family, where he's habitually unhappy.
00:07:11.400 And then he teaches his son to do.
00:07:12.860 So you have this line of people just unhappy, but married.
00:07:17.280 But, like, this idea of a family together.
00:07:20.120 Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:07:20.980 Let me just let them last point.
00:07:23.140 Marriage isn't about happiness.
00:07:23.960 It's about duty.
00:07:24.960 Exactly.
00:07:25.380 What's your responsibility?
00:07:26.140 What's your responsibility?
00:07:27.660 And I understand that.
00:07:29.000 But I don't think, like, because to me, you're like, as long as you are together,
00:07:32.620 that's the most important thing, and you stay together.
00:07:35.080 Like, even if you're unhappy.
00:07:36.840 Statistically, it is.
00:07:38.620 Statistically, it is.
00:07:39.620 How so?
00:07:40.640 As a kid, you're more likely to run away from home.
00:07:42.960 You're more likely to go to jail.
00:07:44.240 You're more likely to get bad grades in school.
00:07:46.240 Every statistical disadvantage you can put a kid at, they're at when you take the father out of the home.
00:07:51.420 What about your own?
00:07:51.980 And so, what I'm saying is that marriage is not about happiness.
00:07:56.120 It's about duty.
00:07:57.520 Then marry your best friend.
00:08:00.360 Marry your best friend.
00:08:01.600 Have a baby with your best friend.
00:08:03.020 Like, it's your friend with benefits, but you have a child.
00:08:05.580 So, it's easier because you respect each other, you love each other, and you don't really need to argue.
00:08:08.860 No, but I'm saying those arguments can happen regardless.
00:08:11.660 There is going to be an unhappy time.
00:08:13.500 And like I said, we can't base a marriage off of happiness.
00:08:16.260 Because if you come into it thinking, look, I'm going to get married with this love of my life because they treat me well,
00:08:22.660 and they're going to treat me like a queen.
00:08:23.620 They're not going to be happy for the rest of my life.
00:08:24.640 No.
00:08:25.220 Because they're going to be a day.
00:08:26.140 You might go through a financial hardship.
00:08:27.740 You might go through a health situation.
00:08:29.780 Is that going to be the breaking point?
00:08:31.020 You're like, okay, now I'm not happy.
00:08:32.340 Now I'm going to leave.
00:08:33.020 Look, you got kids, so y'all have a responsibility.
00:08:34.680 In my head, it's like, why can't we figure out a solution?
00:08:37.220 It's like, if you're really unhappy, why can't you figure out a solution?
00:08:41.060 Maybe it's sleeping in separate bedrooms for a couple of years until you figure out how to get along.
00:08:45.960 Maybe it's marriage counseling.
00:08:47.100 Maybe it's, wait.
00:08:48.140 Sorry, sorry.
00:08:48.440 Maybe it's marriage counseling.
00:08:49.560 Maybe it's sleeping in separate bedrooms for a couple of years.
00:08:52.000 Maybe it's, I don't know, consoling with your church, family, whatever it is.
00:08:55.780 But it's like, why is the first go-to always divorce, divorce, divorce?
00:08:59.320 But I understand that.
00:09:00.440 And I get that in a case.
00:09:02.440 Yeah, I get that in a case.
00:09:04.260 I get that in a case where you're like, you've got two people and they both, like, you've at least got two people and they're willing to work on it or whatever.
00:09:11.940 But what if you've got a situation where you have a person who is like, I want to stay.
00:09:16.060 And let's just say, fundamentally, there are these things you do that make me unhappy.
00:09:21.120 And that person, like, I'm not going to change.
00:09:23.220 Like, so you should carry it.
00:09:24.940 So what's the answer then?
00:09:26.520 Like, if you've got this situation where someone is like, I'm doing my thing and I'm living and I'm not changing.
00:09:32.560 So the unhappy person should just...
00:09:34.160 Can I have an example of an actual situation?
00:09:35.700 It's just broad.
00:09:36.360 Okay, cool.
00:09:37.060 So to, like, narrow it down.
00:09:39.380 So you've got a man and he's married to a woman and he fundamentally is like... 0.51
00:09:48.260 So to me, the underpinning is, this is my thinking.
00:09:51.920 He chose wrong when he married this woman.
00:09:53.740 And the reason is, he wants someone who fundamentally is submissive to him.
00:09:59.140 That's what he wants.
00:10:00.080 And when that doesn't manifest, he feels belittled in himself, in front of his kids, in front of his family.
00:10:07.600 And this woman, she submits performatively. 0.84
00:10:12.160 So she's like, oh, yeah, I'll cook for you.
00:10:14.000 But when they have an agreement and he's like, I need you to move right.
00:10:16.640 She's like, no, that's not a good enough reason.
00:10:18.300 I'm moving left.
00:10:19.080 And that constantly happens.
00:10:20.920 They go through therapy.
00:10:22.260 And that's essentially the crux of it.
00:10:24.000 She's like, I wasn't raised that way.
00:10:27.160 My mom wasn't like that. 1.00
00:10:28.380 I'm not going to be like that, whatever.
00:10:30.220 So, and this man is now happy.
00:10:32.660 She is not happy.
00:10:33.860 You're like, for duty's sake, the family, stay together anyway.
00:10:37.600 Yeah, and I think marriage should be based on sustainability.
00:10:40.000 Like, can she sustain that long term?
00:10:42.060 No.
00:10:42.540 I would say until the kids are 18, I would do everything I could to figure it out.
00:10:46.780 Until the kids are 18.
00:10:48.180 What, just give up all sense of morality and happiness.
00:10:51.800 And even if it is jeopardizing your mental health and even things like that, just stay.
00:10:56.220 What do you mean all sense of morality?
00:10:58.460 Like he was saying about like, oh, that's how my mother was raised.
00:11:01.880 Like, if it's going against your morals and they're like, not forcing you, but like asking
00:11:06.500 you to be someone that you're not.
00:11:08.220 Like, that's, you're giving up all sense of morality.
00:11:10.120 And like, how are you going to sustain it?
00:11:11.640 Like, I will give, I will give Will Smith a divorce.
00:11:16.060 As many of you know, I was just banned on TikTok and we are demonetized on a daily basis on
00:11:23.340 this platform.
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