JustPearlyThings - May 02, 2023


Woman Reveals The UGLY TRUTH Behind Adoption


Episode Stats

Length

11 minutes

Words per Minute

216.85886

Word Count

2,426

Sentence Count

132

Misogynist Sentences

9

Hate Speech Sentences

8


Summary

In this episode, we talk about IVF, single parents and adoption. We discuss the pros and cons of IVF and whether or not it should be used in the future. We also talk about the stigma around adoption and the statistics behind it.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Why do you think they push IVF as an option
00:00:02.340 if it doesn't seem like a very good one
00:00:04.400 according to the numbers?
00:00:05.240 Because it makes them money.
00:00:06.520 I mean, well, as a lesbian couple,
00:00:08.200 that's kind of like,
00:00:08.900 unless you're going to step out of the upset.
00:00:10.920 Gives you hope.
00:00:11.620 No, it was because he was saying,
00:00:12.860 oh, the colourful,
00:00:14.300 I don't know, I'm now copying what he said.
00:00:16.180 LGBT community won't have children.
00:00:18.600 I'm like, well, they can.
00:00:19.960 It's still a possibility
00:00:21.080 because they can have IVF.
00:00:23.820 Why do you guys think they push that?
00:00:27.420 I agree, money-making.
00:00:30.000 Money-making.
00:00:31.180 For sure.
00:00:31.740 I think they're doing it so you have like,
00:00:35.300 not hope, but like,
00:00:37.720 it's okay because you've always got IVF.
00:00:39.900 Like, it's all right to do this
00:00:40.900 because you've got IVF.
00:00:42.040 Like, in a sense where,
00:00:43.240 you know what I'm saying,
00:00:43.700 they give you like a backup.
00:00:45.280 To prolong having children.
00:00:47.100 Exactly.
00:00:47.560 Yeah, yeah, I agree.
00:00:48.820 I think they try and give you all these options.
00:00:50.940 It's like, it's the same argument
00:00:52.460 with like the whole being a single parent
00:00:56.540 and this whole argument of like,
00:00:57.740 oh, I don't need a man
00:00:58.420 because I can still have a baby.
00:00:59.980 Like, without a man,
00:01:00.560 I can get a sperm donor.
00:01:01.360 I can adopt.
00:01:02.400 I'm actually adopted.
00:01:03.560 So like, I know quite a lot about it.
00:01:05.160 You can't adopt if you're a single parent.
00:01:07.040 They won't give a child to a single parent
00:01:08.920 because it's not good for them.
00:01:10.300 I mean, my aunt had three with,
00:01:13.580 and she was a single parent.
00:01:14.880 How?
00:01:15.260 Adopted children in the late district.
00:01:16.680 I don't know how, but she had them.
00:01:18.260 And then now my cousin has to foster them
00:01:20.140 because my aunt died.
00:01:22.500 But that is a possibility.
00:01:24.060 It happened.
00:01:25.060 The social services.
00:01:26.060 She adopted.
00:01:26.840 She was single when she was.
00:01:28.200 She's always been single.
00:01:29.360 No way.
00:01:29.580 Because she was,
00:01:30.320 they all have quite extensive special needs
00:01:33.060 and she was quite.
00:01:33.940 Oh, right.
00:01:35.080 Skilled.
00:01:35.520 My uncle, yeah,
00:01:36.300 my uncle had special needs.
00:01:37.620 So she used to look after him
00:01:39.120 and then she,
00:01:40.040 when he went,
00:01:40.960 when it was no longer,
00:01:41.860 she was no longer able to care for him.
00:01:44.080 She now,
00:01:44.560 she had three.
00:01:45.260 Three children.
00:01:45.480 I think what social services would do,
00:01:47.400 they would look at each case individually.
00:01:49.640 Yeah.
00:01:49.960 The general rule is that they won't,
00:01:51.400 they won't give a child to a single parent home
00:01:53.480 just because of the statistics of single parent homes.
00:01:55.820 Like generally they try and place a child
00:01:57.360 with two parents,
00:01:59.120 but also like the kind of kids that get adopted
00:02:01.240 is really low anyway.
00:02:02.300 So it's like people can say,
00:02:04.280 yeah,
00:02:04.600 people can say,
00:02:05.320 oh,
00:02:05.420 I can adopt,
00:02:06.040 I can adopt,
00:02:06.540 I can do this.
00:02:07.080 But at the end of the day,
00:02:07.780 it's like,
00:02:08.140 is the kind of child that you want
00:02:09.740 going to be up for grabs?
00:02:10.900 And chances are,
00:02:11.580 no,
00:02:12.160 like the most adopted type of child
00:02:14.920 is a white female girl under the age of one,
00:02:19.540 which is what I was.
00:02:20.740 And I'm one of the lucky ones.
00:02:21.900 Something like,
00:02:22.380 I think,
00:02:22.880 this is probably really incorrect statistics,
00:02:24.320 but I think it's something like 50,000 kids
00:02:26.100 get put into care each year.
00:02:28.440 Out of those that are adopted,
00:02:29.980 it's like 2000.
00:02:31.360 Last year,
00:02:31.840 it was just under 2000.
00:02:33.320 And it's going down every single year.
00:02:35.260 Yeah.
00:02:35.700 Because people don't want to adopt
00:02:36.760 because they don't want to adopt the children
00:02:38.260 that are older,
00:02:40.180 special needs.
00:02:40.780 That's what I was going to say.
00:02:41.580 And boys,
00:02:42.060 people don't want to adopt boys either
00:02:43.180 because there's stigma around boys
00:02:44.700 who are adopted rather than girls
00:02:45.880 because they see girls
00:02:46.600 as more easy to mold.
00:02:48.060 So people prefer picking a girl
00:02:49.800 over a boy.
00:02:50.520 This is all from data
00:02:51.340 because when you go to adopt a child,
00:02:53.200 you have to fill out a questionnaire
00:02:54.060 of like,
00:02:54.740 what kind of child do you want?
00:02:55.980 Like,
00:02:56.240 it's kind of like a pick a baby program.
00:02:58.120 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:58.760 Wait,
00:02:59.120 so what?
00:02:59.880 You pick what you're open to
00:03:00.940 and what you're not open to.
00:03:01.900 Out of the 50,000 kids,
00:03:02.580 you said 50,000 kids?
00:03:03.420 I think it's something like that.
00:03:04.600 It could even be higher,
00:03:05.600 but.
00:03:06.020 Do you know what percent
00:03:07.120 are under the age of like two?
00:03:09.320 Oh,
00:03:09.640 really small.
00:03:10.420 Like it's majority is older children.
00:03:12.640 That's what I thought
00:03:13.420 because my mom,
00:03:15.100 when she gave my brother up for adoption,
00:03:17.060 she said it was really easy
00:03:18.160 to find a family.
00:03:20.200 But like,
00:03:21.440 from what I understand,
00:03:22.460 if you give a baby up for adoption,
00:03:24.400 usually they'll find a family.
00:03:25.600 Yes.
00:03:25.840 But if they're over a certain age.
00:03:26.860 If they're over three,
00:03:27.640 I think it gets harder.
00:03:28.620 And the problem is women
00:03:29.600 will try to keep babies
00:03:31.220 that they're not,
00:03:31.960 that they can't take care of.
00:03:33.140 So then services will take them away.
00:03:34.980 So then you have like a traumatized kid.
00:03:36.700 That's what happened to me.
00:03:37.560 So I was taking,
00:03:38.300 I was actually born
00:03:38.960 in the oldest mental institution
00:03:40.180 in the world
00:03:40.780 and I was taken away
00:03:41.940 because my mother couldn't cope.
00:03:44.040 Where was that?
00:03:45.360 Bedlam.
00:03:46.700 Oh,
00:03:47.060 was that still going?
00:03:48.980 It's now called
00:03:49.620 Bethlehem Royal Hospital.
00:03:51.000 Louis Theroux actually did a documentary
00:03:52.320 on the mother and baby unit
00:03:53.460 where I was kept.
00:03:54.840 Where actually is that?
00:03:56.340 South London,
00:03:56.900 isn't it?
00:03:57.100 Yeah,
00:03:57.360 it's South London.
00:03:58.040 It's near West Wycombe,
00:03:59.660 Beckenham kind of way.
00:04:00.680 Oh,
00:04:00.920 okay.
00:04:02.160 But yeah,
00:04:02.620 it's still going.
00:04:03.380 How old were you?
00:04:04.180 So my mother was sectioned
00:04:06.560 when she was pregnant with me
00:04:07.860 and then I was actually taken away
00:04:11.600 at I think the first incident
00:04:14.520 was probably I was like four weeks old
00:04:16.180 and then I was placed into care
00:04:17.200 when I was about a month and a half
00:04:18.660 and then I was in care
00:04:20.060 until I was eight,
00:04:21.140 nine months old
00:04:22.180 and I was adopted.
00:04:23.300 Well,
00:04:23.480 I was placed with my adoptive parents
00:04:24.820 at nine months old
00:04:25.660 but because she wouldn't consent
00:04:27.400 to the adoption
00:04:27.940 it had to go through the courts
00:04:28.980 and I was officially adopted in 2003
00:04:31.120 so I would have been three
00:04:32.320 and that's when my name changed
00:04:33.520 but I've actually been with
00:04:34.460 my adopted parents
00:04:35.420 since I was nine months old.
00:04:37.420 Oh,
00:04:37.520 so you got lucky.
00:04:38.560 I got extremely lucky.
00:04:40.220 I'm so lucky
00:04:41.040 because there's so many kids out there
00:04:42.260 who don't get the chance
00:04:43.180 and I'm really lucky
00:04:44.280 in the sense of like
00:04:44.880 when I ask my parents
00:04:45.680 like why did you adopt me?
00:04:47.400 They don't say like
00:04:48.340 oh,
00:04:48.680 because we wanted a kid,
00:04:50.000 all of this.
00:04:50.420 I think that's kind of a bad reason
00:04:51.660 to adopt.
00:04:52.120 It's like you'll then get
00:04:52.840 that child then feels like
00:04:53.840 they have to conform
00:04:54.540 to like the idea
00:04:55.840 of your perfect child.
00:04:57.240 My dad always says to me
00:04:58.240 we just wanted to give someone a chance.
00:04:59.980 Can I say something?
00:05:00.920 They look like they did a good job.
00:05:02.540 Thank you very much.
00:05:04.100 They're amazing people.
00:05:06.080 Yeah.
00:05:07.420 Yeah.
00:05:08.360 You know,
00:05:09.300 I've been on both sides of adoption
00:05:11.760 like where we've taken in kids
00:05:13.500 and given up kids
00:05:14.480 and age,
00:05:15.600 I didn't realize how important it was
00:05:17.480 until I knew someone
00:05:18.780 from a church I was in
00:05:20.520 and they adopted two boys
00:05:21.600 and one was under the age of two
00:05:23.740 and one was like five
00:05:25.260 and the five-year-old was like
00:05:27.140 messed up for it.
00:05:28.040 He can't even remember what happened.
00:05:29.940 It's because of the trauma that happens
00:05:31.620 and the neurological development
00:05:33.020 of the brain.
00:05:33.580 The first year of your life
00:05:34.480 is extremely important
00:05:35.820 and up to the age of three,
00:05:37.820 like anything that happens
00:05:38.840 before the age of three
00:05:39.660 is kind of set into the building blocks
00:05:41.580 of who you are
00:05:42.220 and it can be really hard
00:05:43.180 to unlearn that
00:05:44.320 and adopted children
00:05:46.080 all have the same attachment type.
00:05:48.080 The body knows
00:05:49.780 whether you get told
00:05:50.480 you're adopted or not.
00:05:51.420 The body knows
00:05:52.080 that it's been separated
00:05:53.080 from something
00:05:53.700 so you're always going to have
00:05:54.800 some kind of distorted
00:05:56.140 attachment style
00:05:57.020 and that's why you need
00:05:58.280 to be placed with good
00:05:58.960 adopted parents
00:05:59.580 that understand that
00:06:00.300 because adopted children
00:06:01.200 are the hardest children
00:06:02.300 to parent
00:06:02.820 because they're confused.
00:06:04.240 What attachment style
00:06:05.060 do you have then?
00:06:06.560 Is it a specific one?
00:06:08.420 So it's not one of the three
00:06:11.180 bulby ones.
00:06:12.660 It's not avoid and secure
00:06:14.480 or the other one.
00:06:15.080 There's a fourth one
00:06:15.920 and that's adopted children.
00:06:17.560 Oh really?
00:06:18.560 Anxious avoidant?
00:06:20.040 Is it a combination of both?
00:06:21.280 It's got a different name.
00:06:22.460 I'm not one.
00:06:22.940 Is it confused avoidant?
00:06:25.100 It's something about being confused.
00:06:27.220 It's something about
00:06:28.680 needing to fill a void
00:06:30.040 because you've had something stripped.
00:06:32.720 So it's something about
00:06:33.940 trying to fill a void
00:06:35.320 and you get attached
00:06:36.300 to things quite easily.
00:06:37.660 Even things like ideas.
00:06:38.880 I'm a really passionate person.
00:06:41.060 If I'm really into a film
00:06:42.580 I'm really into that film.
00:06:44.280 So it's things like that.
00:06:45.520 It's just this kind of
00:06:46.740 I think it's this kind of
00:06:48.140 like desperateness within
00:06:50.040 like in the child sense anyway
00:06:51.980 because the child is kind of
00:06:53.220 desperate for something
00:06:54.080 to cling on to.
00:06:55.540 And it depends as well
00:06:56.940 if you've been through
00:06:57.620 multiple foster parents
00:06:59.300 that messes you up even more
00:07:01.220 because you build
00:07:02.340 your primary attachment
00:07:03.180 with your mother
00:07:03.760 and then your secondary
00:07:04.460 attachment with your father.
00:07:06.560 Obviously that then gets broken.
00:07:07.980 So like with me for example
00:07:09.140 I didn't meet my biological father.
00:07:11.620 He wasn't around.
00:07:12.740 My mother,
00:07:13.340 I'd obviously built
00:07:13.960 an attachment to her.
00:07:14.760 I was with her for a good month
00:07:15.820 before I was stripped from her.
00:07:17.520 Then I was placed in care.
00:07:18.880 So then I built another attachment
00:07:20.220 with the mother
00:07:21.120 who looked after me
00:07:21.860 in foster care
00:07:22.500 and then that was stripped
00:07:23.800 and then I was finally adopted.
00:07:25.180 So that's three broken
00:07:26.180 mother attachments.
00:07:27.420 And it's really interesting
00:07:28.280 because me and my adopted dad
00:07:29.960 are really close
00:07:30.920 and everyone says
00:07:31.640 we're the exact same person.
00:07:33.440 And that's because
00:07:34.160 I never met my biological dad.
00:07:36.080 In foster care
00:07:36.720 there was no paternal figure around
00:07:38.320 and then I was placed
00:07:39.200 with my adopted dad.
00:07:40.300 So the relationship
00:07:41.160 I got to form with him
00:07:42.260 came naturally.
00:07:44.220 Whereas with my mother
00:07:44.940 growing up
00:07:45.600 we conflicted a lot
00:07:46.600 because
00:07:47.140 I can say this now
00:07:48.680 as an adult
00:07:49.080 because I know now
00:07:49.960 but as a child
00:07:50.800 I didn't trust her
00:07:51.500 because I thought
00:07:52.000 well you're going to leave
00:07:52.720 like the other two did.
00:07:53.900 So there's a whole bunch
00:07:55.440 of stuff that goes on there
00:07:56.180 that when you're a kid
00:07:56.740 you have no idea
00:07:57.440 like why any of this
00:07:58.520 is happening.
00:07:59.100 When you get older
00:07:59.920 if you're lucky enough
00:08:00.880 and blessed as I was
00:08:02.320 to have parents
00:08:03.180 who can help you
00:08:04.140 get through things
00:08:04.780 and support you
00:08:05.720 through therapy
00:08:06.160 and things like that
00:08:06.680 you can figure it out
00:08:07.360 and you'll be alright.
00:08:08.040 And it's so interesting
00:08:09.380 because the two brothers
00:08:10.880 that I knew
00:08:11.500 the difference in them
00:08:12.860 was so crazy.
00:08:14.060 Like the younger one
00:08:15.320 he's like a super talented musician
00:08:18.300 he's like the nicest guy
00:08:19.880 at the church
00:08:20.440 like he was so involved
00:08:21.640 and the other one
00:08:22.960 like stole money
00:08:24.160 from the church
00:08:25.020 he like was involved
00:08:26.240 in all these crimes
00:08:27.300 his family
00:08:28.340 like put him in the military
00:08:29.380 because they just
00:08:30.160 didn't know what to do
00:08:30.980 like it's so crazy
00:08:32.500 and it's just
00:08:33.160 and neither of them
00:08:34.500 remember anything
00:08:35.360 but one was just five
00:08:37.380 and one was just
00:08:38.480 I don't know
00:08:39.000 one, two
00:08:39.700 so it's
00:08:40.440 I know what you're
00:08:41.200 I mean I can't remember
00:08:42.480 like I don't remember
00:08:43.440 anything
00:08:43.640 I was under the age of one
00:08:44.660 I have no recollection
00:08:46.260 but it is really interesting
00:08:47.720 because there are things
00:08:49.020 that you do
00:08:49.600 that you can trigger
00:08:51.960 with things like therapy
00:08:52.880 to remember
00:08:53.320 so I've always had
00:08:54.220 a really bad fear
00:08:55.360 of needles
00:08:55.840 and I never knew why
00:08:58.080 I've got tattoos
00:08:59.320 I've got piercings
00:08:59.980 it's not normal needles
00:09:01.500 it's specifically
00:09:02.220 medical needles
00:09:03.020 and I never knew why
00:09:04.540 until in therapy
00:09:05.660 I actually discovered
00:09:06.720 as a kid
00:09:07.260 I used to say to my parents
00:09:08.360 I feel like I saw
00:09:09.540 my birth mother
00:09:10.220 get sedated
00:09:11.680 I always used to say
00:09:12.820 I think that's why
00:09:13.460 I'm scared of needles
00:09:14.180 because maybe I saw
00:09:15.180 something like that
00:09:15.980 or maybe when I was
00:09:16.680 in her womb
00:09:17.180 something like that
00:09:18.080 and obviously there was
00:09:18.880 no way I could have
00:09:19.660 possibly known
00:09:20.460 until when I got older
00:09:23.180 I met someone
00:09:24.100 who was there
00:09:24.820 when I was in the
00:09:26.240 mental institution
00:09:27.360 and I did
00:09:28.280 as a baby
00:09:28.980 I saw her get sedated
00:09:30.080 a bunch of times
00:09:31.400 so I knew
00:09:32.360 I knew my whole life
00:09:33.760 as a child
00:09:34.420 I knew that I saw that
00:09:35.960 but then people will say
00:09:37.180 well how could you know
00:09:37.900 you're under the age of one
00:09:39.000 but I did know
00:09:39.780 that's unbelievable
00:09:40.620 the mind remembers everything
00:09:42.060 you just have to dig it out
00:09:43.160 do you have any
00:09:43.820 can I ask
00:09:45.000 do you have any
00:09:45.600 contact with your
00:09:47.380 your mother
00:09:48.000 no I can't
00:09:49.120 she's dangerous
00:09:49.940 and my
00:09:51.220 biological father's side
00:09:53.340 aren't the friendliest
00:09:54.820 of people
00:09:55.420 not very accepting
00:09:56.560 but
00:09:57.280 I'm so lucky
00:09:58.540 like my adopted family
00:09:59.580 is great
00:09:59.940 like I can't complain
00:10:01.200 now the crazy thing
00:10:03.460 that happened in our family
00:10:04.540 was my one brother
00:10:05.460 I didn't meet
00:10:05.940 until I was 22
00:10:06.780 so my mom got pregnant
00:10:08.380 when she was 17
00:10:09.120 same mom and dad
00:10:10.500 but they were just young
00:10:11.360 and I didn't
00:10:12.200 when I met him
00:10:12.800 when he was 22
00:10:13.520 he was more similar
00:10:14.960 to my family
00:10:15.840 than the adopted
00:10:17.520 I mean granted
00:10:18.260 the adopted kids
00:10:19.020 were teenagers
00:10:19.640 but I mean still
00:10:20.900 they spent more time
00:10:21.720 with our family
00:10:22.380 than he did
00:10:23.960 and literally
00:10:25.220 he was 31
00:10:26.000 when we met him
00:10:27.280 and he walked
00:10:27.820 like my brother
00:10:28.440 he studied economics
00:10:29.480 in school
00:10:29.920 I studied economics
00:10:30.880 in school
00:10:31.320 his family
00:10:32.420 was in
00:10:33.320 like a
00:10:34.280 two kids
00:10:35.640 there was two kids
00:10:36.820 and they never left
00:10:37.700 the like small town
00:10:38.620 they were from
00:10:39.320 and he owned
00:10:40.200 a sailboat company
00:10:41.160 like literally
00:10:41.660 his brother never
00:10:42.400 left the town
00:10:43.020 his parents never
00:10:43.760 like they just
00:10:44.280 didn't like to travel
00:10:45.120 didn't like to do
00:10:45.740 anything adventurous
00:10:46.460 obviously I'm in London
00:10:47.440 we travel in my family
00:10:48.500 so it was so crazy
00:10:50.080 because it was like
00:10:50.880 we met him
00:10:52.420 and he's just like
00:10:53.400 our family
00:10:53.880 and then we had
00:10:54.480 zero contact
00:10:55.320 I didn't even know
00:10:56.000 I was just banned
00:10:57.240 on TikTok
00:10:58.120 and we are demonetized
00:10:59.840 on a daily basis
00:11:01.080 on this platform
00:11:02.560 if you want to help
00:11:04.240 please consider
00:11:05.100 sending a super thanks
00:11:06.500 below
00:11:06.980 every donation helps
00:11:08.760 and it helps make
00:11:09.600 what we do possible