JustPearlyThings - Woman Reveals The UGLY TRUTH Behind Adoption

00:00:00.000 Why do you think they push IVF as an option

00:00:02.340 if it doesn't seem like a very good one

00:00:04.400 according to the numbers?

00:00:05.240 Because it makes them money.

00:00:06.520 I mean, well, as a lesbian couple,

00:00:08.200 that's kind of like,

00:00:08.900 unless you're going to step out of the upset.

00:00:10.920 Gives you hope.

00:00:11.620 No, it was because he was saying,

00:00:12.860 oh, the colourful,

00:00:14.300 I don't know, I'm now copying what he said.

00:00:16.180 LGBT community won't have children. 1.00

00:00:18.600 I'm like, well, they can.

00:00:19.960 It's still a possibility

00:00:21.080 because they can have IVF.

00:00:23.820 Why do you guys think they push that?

00:00:27.420 I agree, money-making.

00:00:30.000 Money-making.

00:00:31.180 For sure.

00:00:31.740 I think they're doing it so you have like,

00:00:35.300 not hope, but like,

00:00:37.720 it's okay because you've always got IVF.

00:00:39.900 Like, it's all right to do this

00:00:40.900 because you've got IVF.

00:00:42.040 Like, in a sense where,

00:00:43.240 you know what I'm saying,

00:00:43.700 they give you like a backup.

00:00:45.280 To prolong having children.

00:00:47.100 Exactly.

00:00:47.560 Yeah, yeah, I agree.

00:00:48.820 I think they try and give you all these options.

00:00:50.940 It's like, it's the same argument

00:00:52.460 with like the whole being a single parent

00:00:56.540 and this whole argument of like,

00:00:57.740 oh, I don't need a man 1.00

00:00:58.420 because I can still have a baby.

00:00:59.980 Like, without a man,

00:01:00.560 I can get a sperm donor. 0.97

00:01:01.360 I can adopt.

00:01:02.400 I'm actually adopted.

00:01:03.560 So like, I know quite a lot about it.

00:01:05.160 You can't adopt if you're a single parent.

00:01:07.040 They won't give a child to a single parent 1.00

00:01:08.920 because it's not good for them.

00:01:10.300 I mean, my aunt had three with, 0.71

00:01:13.580 and she was a single parent.

00:01:14.880 How?

00:01:15.260 Adopted children in the late district.

00:01:16.680 I don't know how, but she had them.

00:01:18.260 And then now my cousin has to foster them

00:01:20.140 because my aunt died.

00:01:22.500 But that is a possibility.

00:01:24.060 It happened.

00:01:25.060 The social services.

00:01:26.060 She adopted.

00:01:26.840 She was single when she was.

00:01:28.200 She's always been single.

00:01:29.360 No way.

00:01:29.580 Because she was,

00:01:30.320 they all have quite extensive special needs

00:01:33.060 and she was quite.

00:01:33.940 Oh, right.

00:01:35.080 Skilled.

00:01:35.520 My uncle, yeah,

00:01:36.300 my uncle had special needs.

00:01:37.620 So she used to look after him

00:01:39.120 and then she,

00:01:40.040 when he went,

00:01:40.960 when it was no longer,

00:01:41.860 she was no longer able to care for him.

00:01:44.080 She now,

00:01:44.560 she had three.

00:01:45.260 Three children.

00:01:45.480 I think what social services would do,

00:01:47.400 they would look at each case individually.

00:01:49.640 Yeah.

00:01:49.960 The general rule is that they won't,

00:01:51.400 they won't give a child to a single parent home 1.00

00:01:53.480 just because of the statistics of single parent homes.

00:01:55.820 Like generally they try and place a child

00:01:57.360 with two parents,

00:01:59.120 but also like the kind of kids that get adopted

00:02:01.240 is really low anyway.

00:02:02.300 So it's like people can say,

00:02:04.280 yeah,

00:02:04.600 people can say,

00:02:05.320 oh,

00:02:05.420 I can adopt,

00:02:06.040 I can adopt,

00:02:06.540 I can do this.

00:02:07.080 But at the end of the day,

00:02:07.780 it's like,

00:02:08.140 is the kind of child that you want

00:02:09.740 going to be up for grabs?

00:02:10.900 And chances are,

00:02:11.580 no,

00:02:12.160 like the most adopted type of child

00:02:14.920 is a white female girl under the age of one,

00:02:19.540 which is what I was.

00:02:20.740 And I'm one of the lucky ones.

00:02:21.900 Something like,

00:02:22.380 I think,

00:02:22.880 this is probably really incorrect statistics,

00:02:24.320 but I think it's something like 50,000 kids

00:02:26.100 get put into care each year.

00:02:28.440 Out of those that are adopted,

00:02:29.980 it's like 2000.

00:02:31.360 Last year,

00:02:31.840 it was just under 2000.

00:02:33.320 And it's going down every single year.

00:02:35.260 Yeah.

00:02:35.700 Because people don't want to adopt

00:02:36.760 because they don't want to adopt the children

00:02:38.260 that are older,

00:02:40.180 special needs.

00:02:40.780 That's what I was going to say.

00:02:41.580 And boys,

00:02:42.060 people don't want to adopt boys either

00:02:43.180 because there's stigma around boys

00:02:44.700 who are adopted rather than girls

00:02:45.880 because they see girls 0.94

00:02:46.600 as more easy to mold.

00:02:48.060 So people prefer picking a girl 1.00

00:02:49.800 over a boy.

00:02:50.520 This is all from data

00:02:51.340 because when you go to adopt a child,

00:02:53.200 you have to fill out a questionnaire

00:02:54.060 of like,

00:02:54.740 what kind of child do you want? 1.00

00:02:55.980 Like,

00:02:56.240 it's kind of like a pick a baby program.

00:02:58.120 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:58.760 Wait,

00:02:59.120 so what?

00:02:59.880 You pick what you're open to

00:03:00.940 and what you're not open to.

00:03:01.900 Out of the 50,000 kids,

00:03:02.580 you said 50,000 kids?

00:03:03.420 I think it's something like that.

00:03:04.600 It could even be higher,

00:03:05.600 but.

00:03:06.020 Do you know what percent

00:03:07.120 are under the age of like two?

00:03:09.320 Oh,

00:03:09.640 really small.

00:03:10.420 Like it's majority is older children.

00:03:12.640 That's what I thought

00:03:13.420 because my mom,

00:03:15.100 when she gave my brother up for adoption,

00:03:17.060 she said it was really easy

00:03:18.160 to find a family.

00:03:20.200 But like,

00:03:21.440 from what I understand,

00:03:22.460 if you give a baby up for adoption,

00:03:24.400 usually they'll find a family.

00:03:25.600 Yes.

00:03:25.840 But if they're over a certain age.

00:03:26.860 If they're over three,

00:03:27.640 I think it gets harder.

00:03:28.620 And the problem is women 1.00

00:03:29.600 will try to keep babies

00:03:31.220 that they're not,

00:03:31.960 that they can't take care of.

00:03:33.140 So then services will take them away.

00:03:34.980 So then you have like a traumatized kid.

00:03:36.700 That's what happened to me.

00:03:37.560 So I was taking,

00:03:38.300 I was actually born

00:03:38.960 in the oldest mental institution

00:03:40.180 in the world

00:03:40.780 and I was taken away

00:03:41.940 because my mother couldn't cope. 0.95

00:03:44.040 Where was that?

00:03:45.360 Bedlam.

00:03:46.700 Oh,

00:03:47.060 was that still going?

00:03:48.980 It's now called

00:03:49.620 Bethlehem Royal Hospital.

00:03:51.000 Louis Theroux actually did a documentary

00:03:52.320 on the mother and baby unit

00:03:53.460 where I was kept.

00:03:54.840 Where actually is that?

00:03:56.340 South London,

00:03:56.900 isn't it?

00:03:57.100 Yeah,

00:03:57.360 it's South London.

00:03:58.040 It's near West Wycombe,

00:03:59.660 Beckenham kind of way.

00:04:00.680 Oh,

00:04:00.920 okay.

00:04:02.160 But yeah,

00:04:02.620 it's still going.

00:04:03.380 How old were you?

00:04:04.180 So my mother was sectioned

00:04:06.560 when she was pregnant with me 0.99

00:04:07.860 and then I was actually taken away

00:04:11.600 at I think the first incident

00:04:14.520 was probably I was like four weeks old

00:04:16.180 and then I was placed into care

00:04:17.200 when I was about a month and a half

00:04:18.660 and then I was in care

00:04:20.060 until I was eight,

00:04:21.140 nine months old

00:04:22.180 and I was adopted.

00:04:23.300 Well,

00:04:23.480 I was placed with my adoptive parents

00:04:24.820 at nine months old

00:04:25.660 but because she wouldn't consent

00:04:27.400 to the adoption

00:04:27.940 it had to go through the courts

00:04:28.980 and I was officially adopted in 2003

00:04:31.120 so I would have been three

00:04:32.320 and that's when my name changed

00:04:33.520 but I've actually been with

00:04:34.460 my adopted parents

00:04:35.420 since I was nine months old.

00:04:37.420 Oh,

00:04:37.520 so you got lucky.

00:04:38.560 I got extremely lucky.

00:04:40.220 I'm so lucky

00:04:41.040 because there's so many kids out there

00:04:42.260 who don't get the chance

00:04:43.180 and I'm really lucky

00:04:44.280 in the sense of like

00:04:44.880 when I ask my parents

00:04:45.680 like why did you adopt me?

00:04:47.400 They don't say like

00:04:48.340 oh,

00:04:48.680 because we wanted a kid,

00:04:50.000 all of this.

00:04:50.420 I think that's kind of a bad reason

00:04:51.660 to adopt.

00:04:52.120 It's like you'll then get

00:04:52.840 that child then feels like

00:04:53.840 they have to conform

00:04:54.540 to like the idea

00:04:55.840 of your perfect child.

00:04:57.240 My dad always says to me

00:04:58.240 we just wanted to give someone a chance.

00:04:59.980 Can I say something?

00:05:00.920 They look like they did a good job.

00:05:02.540 Thank you very much.

00:05:04.100 They're amazing people.

00:05:06.080 Yeah.

00:05:07.420 Yeah.

00:05:08.360 You know,

00:05:09.300 I've been on both sides of adoption

00:05:11.760 like where we've taken in kids

00:05:13.500 and given up kids

00:05:14.480 and age,

00:05:15.600 I didn't realize how important it was

00:05:17.480 until I knew someone

00:05:18.780 from a church I was in

00:05:20.520 and they adopted two boys

00:05:21.600 and one was under the age of two

00:05:23.740 and one was like five

00:05:25.260 and the five-year-old was like

00:05:27.140 messed up for it.

00:05:28.040 He can't even remember what happened.

00:05:29.940 It's because of the trauma that happens

00:05:31.620 and the neurological development

00:05:33.020 of the brain.

00:05:33.580 The first year of your life

00:05:34.480 is extremely important

00:05:35.820 and up to the age of three,

00:05:37.820 like anything that happens

00:05:38.840 before the age of three

00:05:39.660 is kind of set into the building blocks

00:05:41.580 of who you are

00:05:42.220 and it can be really hard

00:05:43.180 to unlearn that

00:05:44.320 and adopted children

00:05:46.080 all have the same attachment type.

00:05:48.080 The body knows

00:05:49.780 whether you get told

00:05:50.480 you're adopted or not.

00:05:51.420 The body knows

00:05:52.080 that it's been separated

00:05:53.080 from something

00:05:53.700 so you're always going to have

00:05:54.800 some kind of distorted

00:05:56.140 attachment style

00:05:57.020 and that's why you need

00:05:58.280 to be placed with good

00:05:58.960 adopted parents

00:05:59.580 that understand that

00:06:00.300 because adopted children

00:06:01.200 are the hardest children

00:06:02.300 to parent

00:06:02.820 because they're confused.

00:06:04.240 What attachment style

00:06:05.060 do you have then?

00:06:06.560 Is it a specific one?

00:06:08.420 So it's not one of the three

00:06:11.180 bulby ones.

00:06:12.660 It's not avoid and secure

00:06:14.480 or the other one.

00:06:15.080 There's a fourth one

00:06:15.920 and that's adopted children.

00:06:17.560 Oh really?

00:06:18.560 Anxious avoidant?

00:06:20.040 Is it a combination of both?

00:06:21.280 It's got a different name.

00:06:22.460 I'm not one.

00:06:22.940 Is it confused avoidant?

00:06:25.100 It's something about being confused.

00:06:27.220 It's something about

00:06:28.680 needing to fill a void

00:06:30.040 because you've had something stripped.

00:06:32.720 So it's something about

00:06:33.940 trying to fill a void

00:06:35.320 and you get attached

00:06:36.300 to things quite easily.

00:06:37.660 Even things like ideas.

00:06:38.880 I'm a really passionate person.

00:06:41.060 If I'm really into a film

00:06:42.580 I'm really into that film.

00:06:44.280 So it's things like that.

00:06:45.520 It's just this kind of

00:06:46.740 I think it's this kind of

00:06:48.140 like desperateness within

00:06:50.040 like in the child sense anyway

00:06:51.980 because the child is kind of

00:06:53.220 desperate for something

00:06:54.080 to cling on to.

00:06:55.540 And it depends as well

00:06:56.940 if you've been through

00:06:57.620 multiple foster parents

00:06:59.300 that messes you up even more

00:07:01.220 because you build

00:07:02.340 your primary attachment

00:07:03.180 with your mother

00:07:03.760 and then your secondary

00:07:04.460 attachment with your father.

00:07:06.560 Obviously that then gets broken.

00:07:07.980 So like with me for example

00:07:09.140 I didn't meet my biological father.

00:07:11.620 He wasn't around.

00:07:12.740 My mother,

00:07:13.340 I'd obviously built

00:07:13.960 an attachment to her.

00:07:14.760 I was with her for a good month

00:07:15.820 before I was stripped from her.

00:07:17.520 Then I was placed in care.

00:07:18.880 So then I built another attachment

00:07:20.220 with the mother

00:07:21.120 who looked after me

00:07:21.860 in foster care

00:07:22.500 and then that was stripped

00:07:23.800 and then I was finally adopted.

00:07:25.180 So that's three broken

00:07:26.180 mother attachments.

00:07:27.420 And it's really interesting

00:07:28.280 because me and my adopted dad

00:07:29.960 are really close

00:07:30.920 and everyone says

00:07:31.640 we're the exact same person.

00:07:33.440 And that's because

00:07:34.160 I never met my biological dad.

00:07:36.080 In foster care

00:07:36.720 there was no paternal figure around

00:07:38.320 and then I was placed

00:07:39.200 with my adopted dad.

00:07:40.300 So the relationship

00:07:41.160 I got to form with him

00:07:42.260 came naturally.

00:07:44.220 Whereas with my mother

00:07:44.940 growing up

00:07:45.600 we conflicted a lot

00:07:46.600 because

00:07:47.140 I can say this now

00:07:48.680 as an adult

00:07:49.080 because I know now

00:07:49.960 but as a child

00:07:50.800 I didn't trust her

00:07:51.500 because I thought

00:07:52.000 well you're going to leave

00:07:52.720 like the other two did.

00:07:53.900 So there's a whole bunch

00:07:55.440 of stuff that goes on there

00:07:56.180 that when you're a kid

00:07:56.740 you have no idea

00:07:57.440 like why any of this

00:07:58.520 is happening.

00:07:59.100 When you get older

00:07:59.920 if you're lucky enough

00:08:00.880 and blessed as I was

00:08:02.320 to have parents

00:08:03.180 who can help you

00:08:04.140 get through things

00:08:04.780 and support you

00:08:05.720 through therapy

00:08:06.160 and things like that

00:08:06.680 you can figure it out

00:08:07.360 and you'll be alright.

00:08:08.040 And it's so interesting

00:08:09.380 because the two brothers

00:08:10.880 that I knew

00:08:11.500 the difference in them

00:08:12.860 was so crazy.

00:08:14.060 Like the younger one

00:08:15.320 he's like a super talented musician

00:08:18.300 he's like the nicest guy

00:08:19.880 at the church

00:08:20.440 like he was so involved

00:08:21.640 and the other one

00:08:22.960 like stole money

00:08:24.160 from the church

00:08:25.020 he like was involved

00:08:26.240 in all these crimes

00:08:27.300 his family

00:08:28.340 like put him in the military

00:08:29.380 because they just

00:08:30.160 didn't know what to do

00:08:30.980 like it's so crazy

00:08:32.500 and it's just

00:08:33.160 and neither of them

00:08:34.500 remember anything

00:08:35.360 but one was just five

00:08:37.380 and one was just

00:08:38.480 I don't know

00:08:39.000 one, two

00:08:39.700 so it's

00:08:40.440 I know what you're

00:08:41.200 I mean I can't remember

00:08:42.480 like I don't remember

00:08:43.440 anything

00:08:43.640 I was under the age of one

00:08:44.660 I have no recollection

00:08:46.260 but it is really interesting

00:08:47.720 because there are things

00:08:49.020 that you do

00:08:49.600 that you can trigger

00:08:51.960 with things like therapy

00:08:52.880 to remember

00:08:53.320 so I've always had

00:08:54.220 a really bad fear

00:08:55.360 of needles

00:08:55.840 and I never knew why

00:08:58.080 I've got tattoos

00:08:59.320 I've got piercings

00:08:59.980 it's not normal needles

00:09:01.500 it's specifically

00:09:02.220 medical needles

00:09:03.020 and I never knew why

00:09:04.540 until in therapy

00:09:05.660 I actually discovered

00:09:06.720 as a kid

00:09:07.260 I used to say to my parents

00:09:08.360 I feel like I saw

00:09:09.540 my birth mother

00:09:10.220 get sedated

00:09:11.680 I always used to say

00:09:12.820 I think that's why

00:09:13.460 I'm scared of needles

00:09:14.180 because maybe I saw

00:09:15.180 something like that

00:09:15.980 or maybe when I was

00:09:16.680 in her womb 0.88

00:09:17.180 something like that

00:09:18.080 and obviously there was

00:09:18.880 no way I could have

00:09:19.660 possibly known

00:09:20.460 until when I got older

00:09:23.180 I met someone

00:09:24.100 who was there

00:09:24.820 when I was in the

00:09:26.240 mental institution

00:09:27.360 and I did

00:09:28.280 as a baby

00:09:28.980 I saw her get sedated 0.99

00:09:30.080 a bunch of times

00:09:31.400 so I knew

00:09:32.360 I knew my whole life

00:09:33.760 as a child

00:09:34.420 I knew that I saw that

00:09:35.960 but then people will say

00:09:37.180 well how could you know

00:09:37.900 you're under the age of one

00:09:39.000 but I did know

00:09:39.780 that's unbelievable

00:09:40.620 the mind remembers everything

00:09:42.060 you just have to dig it out

00:09:43.160 do you have any

00:09:43.820 can I ask

00:09:45.000 do you have any

00:09:45.600 contact with your

00:09:47.380 your mother

00:09:48.000 no I can't

00:09:49.120 she's dangerous 1.00

00:09:49.940 and my

00:09:51.220 biological father's side

00:09:53.340 aren't the friendliest

00:09:54.820 of people

00:09:55.420 not very accepting

00:09:56.560 but

00:09:57.280 I'm so lucky

00:09:58.540 like my adopted family

00:09:59.580 is great

00:09:59.940 like I can't complain

00:10:01.200 now the crazy thing

00:10:03.460 that happened in our family

00:10:04.540 was my one brother

00:10:05.460 I didn't meet

00:10:05.940 until I was 22

00:10:06.780 so my mom got pregnant

00:10:08.380 when she was 17

00:10:09.120 same mom and dad

00:10:10.500 but they were just young

00:10:11.360 and I didn't

00:10:12.200 when I met him

00:10:12.800 when he was 22

00:10:13.520 he was more similar

00:10:14.960 to my family

00:10:15.840 than the adopted

00:10:17.520 I mean granted

00:10:18.260 the adopted kids

00:10:19.020 were teenagers

00:10:19.640 but I mean still

00:10:20.900 they spent more time

00:10:21.720 with our family

00:10:22.380 than he did

00:10:23.960 and literally

00:10:25.220 he was 31

00:10:26.000 when we met him

00:10:27.280 and he walked

00:10:27.820 like my brother

00:10:28.440 he studied economics

00:10:29.480 in school

00:10:29.920 I studied economics

00:10:30.880 in school

00:10:31.320 his family

00:10:32.420 was in

00:10:33.320 like a

00:10:34.280 two kids

00:10:35.640 there was two kids

00:10:36.820 and they never left

00:10:37.700 the like small town

00:10:38.620 they were from

00:10:39.320 and he owned

00:10:40.200 a sailboat company

00:10:41.160 like literally

00:10:41.660 his brother never

00:10:42.400 left the town

00:10:43.020 his parents never

00:10:43.760 like they just

00:10:44.280 didn't like to travel

00:10:45.120 didn't like to do

00:10:45.740 anything adventurous

00:10:46.460 obviously I'm in London

00:10:47.440 we travel in my family

00:10:48.500 so it was so crazy

00:10:50.080 because it was like

00:10:50.880 we met him

00:10:52.420 and he's just like

00:10:53.400 our family

00:10:53.880 and then we had

00:10:54.480 zero contact

00:10:55.320 I didn't even know

00:10:56.000 I was just banned

00:10:57.240 on TikTok

00:10:58.120 and we are demonetized

00:10:59.840 on a daily basis

00:11:01.080 on this platform

00:11:02.560 if you want to help

00:11:04.240 please consider

00:11:05.100 sending a super thanks

00:11:06.500 below

00:11:06.980 every donation helps

00:11:08.760 and it helps make

00:11:09.600 what we do possible

JustPearlyThings - May 02, 2023

Woman Reveals The UGLY TRUTH Behind Adoption

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