Leo D.M.J. Aurini - Advice for a Long Term Courtship [Requested Video]

00:00:00.000 I discussed the issue of sexual morality in an immoral society as part of a requested video for Rui.

00:00:08.520 Now, this is going to be more about his personal situation and what he can do to steer out of these shoals that are full of rocks.

00:00:23.040 So, let's read the email.

00:00:24.780 I'm approaching 30, have been in a relationship with a woman for 10 years, 3 years younger than me, and we started dating while we were in high school.

00:00:36.860 Neither of us was religious or cared about it at the time.

00:00:40.700 Brother, we were all good little atheists. That's how every single one of us was raised.

00:00:45.860 You know, the TV, the culture made absolute certain of that.

00:00:49.060 I had a few girlfriends before her, and early on, we decided that we wanted to start a family together, even before I considered religion and brought her into the concept.

00:01:04.580 She was raised Catholic, but the kind that goes to church three times a year and on special occasions.

00:01:09.400 I was raised agnostic, and until a couple of years ago, I had been to Mass only a handful of times.

00:01:14.180 Our country is traditionally Catholic, but that means very little nowadays.

00:01:20.760 It does have better social milieu, better default assumptions, but you're right, very few people take it seriously.

00:01:32.200 Now, for all of these years, we have been having sex.

00:01:35.760 I'm employed as a cloud person, and my girlfriend is ending her master's degree.

00:01:44.220 We don't yet have the financial stability to start a family.

00:01:47.220 I wonder sometimes if this is a cop-out or an excuse.

00:01:50.620 At the same time, I don't want to bring children into the world without being able to support my family

00:01:54.120 and not having to send kids to be cared for by strangers four months after my wife gives birth.

00:01:59.680 On my pay alone, currently, this is next to impossible.

00:02:02.120 The pay is not great, half my paycheck goes on income and Social Security taxes,

00:02:06.580 and the living costs in my country are already high in light of the salaries and getting higher.

00:02:14.360 All right, so first of all,

00:02:19.420 I don't know the specifics of your situation, obviously,

00:02:23.420 but I will tell you that, brother, what you want to have happen will happen.

00:02:29.860 All right?

00:02:31.520 You have got the tools for it.

00:02:34.340 And, yeah, kids are expensive.

00:02:38.600 Absolutely.

00:02:40.800 But are they that expensive?

00:02:45.260 Now, on the one hand, yeah, you know what? 0.95

00:02:47.780 You can't be a couple of dinks, double income, no kids. 1.00

00:02:51.580 You can't have the dink lifestyle and have kids. 1.00

00:02:54.940 You know, like, I've got a dog, so I can't live in a high-rise anymore.

00:03:01.200 She's a big dog. 0.98

00:03:01.960 She needs the yard. 1.00

00:03:05.600 Kids will cramp your style.

00:03:07.520 Absolutely.

00:03:08.600 But are you really certain you can't afford them?

00:03:11.940 And, quite frankly, another unpleasant reality that we're living with

00:03:20.900 is that this society, this economy,

00:03:27.580 you know, we've got people that they work like men and they spend like women.

00:03:32.660 You know, it doesn't matter which sex you are. 0.90

00:03:34.980 You're supposed to do both.

00:03:36.140 And you're right, it is putting a pinch on things.

00:03:43.500 Okay?

00:03:43.780 It's very, very hard for couples to get along without both of them working.

00:03:52.360 This is one of the sacrifices that you have to make if you're going to have kids.

00:03:59.060 So, honestly, brother, yeah, it is a cop-out.

00:04:01.020 If you want to have kids, then have kids.

00:04:08.740 In fact, I would say, if you want to be with a woman, 0.98

00:04:11.580 then accept the fact that kids are a natural product of that.

00:04:20.200 Focus on, I mean, again, focus on making more money.

00:04:23.720 Or consider moving somewhere else entirely, maybe somewhere rural.

00:04:28.120 Consider a different line of work.

00:04:31.460 Because part of it's living in the cities.

00:04:33.180 Part of it's, you know, going downtown and paying 500 bucks a month for parking.

00:04:38.480 And all of this.

00:04:39.480 Like, there's so much expense to exist in one of these office towers.

00:04:45.440 Where there's, you know, there's a Starbucks or whatever.

00:04:48.980 There's a coffee shop.

00:04:50.000 And there's an organic food shop.

00:04:51.440 And everything's polished and looks really nice.

00:04:53.180 They have a huge janitorial staff.

00:04:55.400 All of this.

00:04:56.960 Huge expense at running a major city.

00:04:59.320 And yet, you are going to pay for that luxury.

00:05:02.680 For the luxury of working in this beautiful office tower.

00:05:05.740 So, I would seriously consider shaking everything up.

00:05:13.000 You know, like you're in the dink lifestyle. 1.00

00:05:15.260 You need to get out of it.

00:05:16.900 Which is brutal, I know.

00:05:21.640 Like, believe me.

00:05:22.760 I wish things were better.

00:05:24.160 But that's just the reality.

00:05:26.620 So, he goes on.

00:05:28.300 I know I haven't followed many of the churches or the Bible's teachings on sexual morality.

00:05:34.660 Namely, contraception and premarital sex. 0.87

00:05:37.820 Which, by the way, part of the reason for that teaching is that the availability of contraception and premarital sex is what kind of let you slip into this dink lifestyle. 1.00

00:05:49.100 So, now you have these dink standards that you want to have. 0.97

00:05:54.020 As opposed to normal, real life.

00:05:57.440 Which is the exception these days.

00:05:59.680 Which is married with children. 0.74

00:06:02.240 And, you know, guess what?

00:06:04.700 You can't afford whatever it is that you want to afford.

00:06:07.980 It says, of course, working in an office with several women, I also suffer from general lust, committing adultery in my heart. 0.62

00:06:20.520 Are you committing adultery in your heart?

00:06:26.720 When you look at a woman, and she's dressed in a sexually provocative manner. 1.00

00:06:31.980 Guess what?

00:06:32.620 You have healthy instincts. 0.98

00:06:33.600 You are going to be sexually aroused by her mimicking sexual arousal. 0.99

00:06:37.980 She's got high heels on to exaggerate the buttocks. 1.00

00:06:41.480 She's got lipstick on to mimic the flushed lips she gets during sex. 1.00

00:06:46.220 She is painting herself up to look sexually aroused. 0.99

00:06:50.460 And you get sexually aroused? 0.97

00:06:52.660 Brother, that's just normal. 0.91

00:06:55.080 Okay?

00:06:57.300 Lusting.

00:06:59.460 Lusting is when you have constant fantasies about a woman that's not yours.

00:07:03.620 And, of course, everyone's going to be tempted a little bit.

00:07:09.480 You know, whether it's just our innate weakness, or if it's a devil whispering in your ear, suggesting things that you shouldn't do.

00:07:16.120 There's a huge difference between seeing a nice car and wishing you had one, and plotting to steal a nice car.

00:07:28.840 Or even fantasizing about stealing a nice car.

00:07:32.020 So, don't beat yourself up for finding women attractive.

00:07:38.900 You are supposed to.

00:07:45.080 Let's see.

00:07:45.600 As to whether or not, like, does it matter, like, since you're not married to her, again, these are getting into weird technicality.

00:07:55.300 Does it matter?

00:07:55.700 But we'll get back to this.

00:07:59.380 Alright, now this bit, what you're about to say.

00:08:01.840 I've got something to say on this.

00:08:03.120 The priests I talked to either told me there was no problem, as long as we had the intention to marry,

00:08:08.620 or that I should confess after each time committing the sins, without much thought of not repeating them,

00:08:15.020 and everything should be fine in this sin-confession-sin cycle.

00:08:18.600 They didn't offer any practical advice on how to deal with the situation,

00:08:21.700 but also didn't seem very taken aback by it.

00:08:24.120 Yeah, they probably do hear it all the time.

00:08:28.240 But, dude, like, half the priests have girlfriends, okay?

00:08:32.180 They shouldn't, but they do.

00:08:35.200 Guess what?

00:08:35.540 We're all being tempted by this pornographied society. 1.00

00:08:41.820 Now, that said, that's bullshit advice. 0.97

00:08:45.960 Part of going to confession is you are making, you have a sincere desire not to commit the sins again. 0.97

00:08:54.120 Okay, this right here is the, I'd call it a lie, except it obviously isn't.

00:09:00.540 It's what people say about Catholics.

00:09:02.380 They go and commit a bunch of sins, and they just confess them.

00:09:05.220 And then, oh, whatever, and then they do it again next week. 0.99

00:09:07.480 So, yeah, that's bullshit advice you're getting from the priests. 0.99

00:09:18.540 They don't want to give you a hard answer. 0.99

00:09:20.620 So, finish off your email.

00:09:25.880 At this point, I don't see how I can effectively be masculine, show leadership, and retain intimacy and connection with my woman

00:09:31.600 without the sexual relation we have had for these ten years.

00:09:34.900 I don't think our relationship would die necessarily, but I don't think it would help bring us closer together, either.

00:09:39.300 At the same time, I feel I might just be making excuses.

00:09:44.180 Da-da-da-da-da. 0.90

00:09:45.320 Okay.

00:09:52.160 What does she think about all of this?

00:09:56.000 Have you been talking to her about it?

00:09:59.240 Have you been saying to her,

00:10:00.440 I think we need to actually get serious about this. 0.99

00:10:04.220 We need to stop being hypocrites like everybody else. 0.93

00:10:08.220 We need to start doing this right. 0.95

00:10:14.280 Because, you know, that sort of leadership,

00:10:16.780 that sort of standard,

00:10:20.460 I don't think that would offend her.

00:10:23.680 You should get married

00:10:34.260 as soon as you possibly can.

00:10:39.300 I mean, you basically are married.

00:10:42.300 Or are you?

00:10:43.940 Now, here's an interesting,

00:10:45.200 this is an observation my mother made,

00:10:47.100 is that a lot of couples that live together

00:10:49.740 before they get married

00:10:51.520 tend to divorce fairly rapidly

00:10:54.120 because when they live together,

00:10:56.460 it's just playing house.

00:10:58.620 You know, I experienced this with a girlfriend.

00:11:01.100 I lived with her during college.

00:11:02.860 And then as soon as she was about to graduate,

00:11:06.540 she completely re-evaluated everything

00:11:08.360 and became a different person.

00:11:10.000 Because while we were together,

00:11:11.480 it was just a fake, pretend,

00:11:13.560 playing house college relationship.

00:11:15.660 And now, oh, she's about to be a real adult.

00:11:21.520 Which makes me wonder,

00:11:22.880 because you say your girl has,

00:11:24.140 she's finishing her master's degree,

00:11:26.200 and you're worried that

00:11:28.040 if the two of you were to be celibate,

00:11:31.840 starting now until you're married,

00:11:34.260 that she'd break up with you? 0.62

00:11:39.700 Maybe you're just making excuses 0.98

00:11:40.960 because you want to keep having sex. 0.96

00:11:43.200 Or maybe, 0.59

00:11:44.480 maybe you're sensing

00:11:47.800 that she's just playing house with you. 0.99

00:12:00.460 If she is playing house,

00:12:01.920 the absolute last thing

00:12:03.860 you want to do

00:12:05.980 is

00:12:07.240 to throw good money after bad.

00:12:12.020 I mean, you spend a long time with her.

00:12:14.580 Have lots of good memories, I hope.

00:12:16.080 But if she's about to

00:12:19.460 change her perspective,

00:12:21.120 because now, you know,

00:12:23.600 she'll be out of college,

00:12:24.460 she'll be in the working world, 0.96

00:12:25.700 she'll be making her own money, 1.00

00:12:27.600 she'll be

00:12:28.220 doing all of this,

00:12:30.360 it's better to let that

00:12:34.060 come out now.

00:12:40.500 And maybe you talk it through,

00:12:42.320 and she says,

00:12:43.100 yeah, I'm really tempted

00:12:44.020 to go do the career girl 0.99

00:12:45.180 sex in the city thing. 0.90

00:12:47.560 But you're right,

00:12:48.300 this is wrong. 0.88

00:12:49.680 This dink lifestyle is wrong. 1.00

00:12:54.780 Maybe it comes out, 0.80

00:12:55.940 and you two break up.

00:12:58.340 Or maybe it comes out,

00:12:59.900 and she admits,

00:13:00.980 yeah, yeah,

00:13:01.540 I do kind of want that,

00:13:02.580 but it's wrong.

00:13:03.860 It's better to get it out now

00:13:05.360 than to have that fester

00:13:06.640 for 10 years,

00:13:07.520 15 years,

00:13:08.400 then she's throwing arguments at you 1.00

00:13:10.200 that she was just trapped in this,

00:13:11.840 whatever,

00:13:12.540 she's resentful,

00:13:13.540 because you're trying to cover up

00:13:15.320 what's really going on

00:13:16.600 in that relationship.

00:13:20.960 So I actually think this is

00:13:21.880 the way more important question

00:13:22.980 for you

00:13:23.360 than marriage.

00:13:24.740 Like, listen,

00:13:26.240 answer is simple.

00:13:29.240 Get married ASAP.

00:13:30.540 Be chaste,

00:13:33.820 or at least

00:13:34.300 be pretty close to chaste, 0.94

00:13:37.180 until you get married.

00:13:40.580 Basically,

00:13:41.160 don't do anything 1.00

00:13:41.840 that will produce a bastard. 0.99

00:13:43.240 Okay? 1.00

00:13:43.760 Can we do that?

00:13:46.940 And

00:13:47.420 once you get married,

00:13:50.840 don't use prophylactics,

00:13:53.420 don't use condoms,

00:13:54.980 don't use birth control,

00:13:56.360 and if children happen,

00:13:58.160 they happen.

00:13:58.780 Nobody's ever ready.

00:14:00.540 To have children.

00:14:01.700 All right?

00:14:03.140 And you can probably afford them

00:14:04.800 more than you admit to yourself.

00:14:06.620 Especially if you get

00:14:07.400 creative and experimental

00:14:09.020 about what you're doing

00:14:10.500 to make money.

00:14:16.960 The real question

00:14:18.020 is,

00:14:19.460 are the two of you

00:14:20.080 living in the real world?

00:14:22.220 Because

00:14:22.660 even though you've been together

00:14:24.560 10 years,

00:14:25.220 marriage is scary, 0.75

00:14:25.980 isn't it?

00:14:26.820 Marriage is a lifelong commitment.

00:14:27.960 I mean,

00:14:28.200 it's like 10 years,

00:14:29.100 it's a third of your life.

00:14:31.520 And yet,

00:14:31.880 something about marriage,

00:14:32.860 something about making

00:14:33.420 those vows is scary.

00:14:37.080 So I think that's the real question

00:14:38.440 that

00:14:38.960 you're avoiding.

00:14:42.060 You're worrying about

00:14:42.880 all this sexual morality stuff.

00:14:45.080 Okay,

00:14:45.260 like,

00:14:45.400 listen,

00:14:45.580 sexual morality is not

00:14:46.840 that big a deal,

00:14:48.020 quite frankly.

00:14:50.880 The excesses

00:14:52.360 of it are,

00:14:53.060 obviously.

00:14:54.080 Anything could be...

00:14:54.980 there's people that turn

00:14:56.220 eating a cheeseburger

00:14:57.620 into a mortal sin.

00:14:59.360 All right?

00:15:00.940 But generally speaking,

00:15:02.800 thinking women are pretty, 1.00

00:15:04.040 being tempted,

00:15:04.880 and kissing pretty girls,

00:15:05.720 like,

00:15:05.880 that's not that big

00:15:06.880 of a deal.

00:15:07.480 All right?

00:15:07.800 I think you're focusing

00:15:09.820 on the small things

00:15:11.260 because it's helping you

00:15:12.440 avoid the big picture.

00:15:14.180 And the big picture is,

00:15:15.380 are you too playing house?

00:15:17.300 Or are you too serious

00:15:18.920 about getting married?

00:15:20.800 And you need to figure out

00:15:24.980 that question ASAP.

00:15:28.000 You're either like,

00:15:29.060 dude,

00:15:29.260 it's been 10 years. 1.00

00:15:32.260 Put a ring on the bitch. 1.00

00:15:35.120 Or set her free. 1.00

00:15:37.220 And the same thing

00:15:37.980 with her and you.

00:15:39.660 You've given her 10 years.

00:15:41.760 You know,

00:15:42.060 is she going to be a wife? 1.00

00:15:45.840 Or are you just roommates

00:15:47.220 that sleep together?

00:15:50.800 And if it's the latter,

00:15:52.600 then you could probably

00:15:54.200 be doing something

00:15:54.880 a lot better.

00:15:55.980 Both of you could.

00:16:06.400 To quote Jordan Peterson,

00:16:08.860 if you tell the truth,

00:16:12.160 or at least don't lie,

00:16:14.180 or actively cover up a lie,

00:16:18.240 that's the best outcome

00:16:19.500 that could possibly happen.

00:16:26.180 So figure out what you two,

00:16:27.600 figure out what the hell 0.77

00:16:28.240 you two are doing. 0.97

00:16:31.220 Get married or don't.

00:16:34.020 You know,

00:16:34.380 like you can have a,

00:16:35.040 you can have a nice wedding

00:16:36.160 for $10,000.

00:16:39.560 You can have it even less.

00:16:40.780 You can just have it

00:16:41.560 for 50 bucks.

00:16:44.340 25 bucks for the priest

00:16:45.720 and 25 bucks

00:16:46.680 for the justice of the peace

00:16:48.500 or whoever signs

00:16:49.780 the legal government document.

00:16:55.920 But yeah,

00:16:56.620 figure out what is

00:16:57.820 going on.

00:17:01.420 Because right now,

00:17:02.520 to some extent,

00:17:03.360 you guys are living

00:17:03.940 in fantasy world.

00:17:05.260 You need to get out

00:17:06.120 of fantasy world

00:17:06.980 and get into

00:17:08.700 real world.

00:17:10.160 I hope that helped,

00:17:13.940 brother.

00:17:17.500 Deus Volt

00:17:18.200 and

00:17:20.080 actually one final thing.

00:17:26.020 The truth is scary.

00:17:29.060 The truth is absolutely terrifying.

00:17:30.520 And it's so much easier

00:17:34.680 to just cover up

00:17:36.900 the truth.

00:17:37.700 To not even,

00:17:42.380 in Dirk Gently's

00:17:43.560 Holistic Detective Agency,

00:17:46.440 there's a line where,

00:17:48.180 it's like when you have,

00:17:48.980 you know when you have

00:17:49.900 money in your bank account

00:17:50.840 and you get a piece of mail,

00:17:51.620 it's like,

00:17:51.780 oh, you open it up.

00:17:52.520 If it's a bill,

00:17:53.000 you can pay it.

00:17:53.720 But if you don't have any money,

00:17:54.880 you'll just kind of let the,

00:17:55.580 I don't want to open up

00:17:56.720 that mail

00:17:57.200 because they might be

00:17:57.840 asking for money.

00:17:58.620 I don't want, 0.99

00:17:58.780 open up the damn mail. 0.99

00:18:01.500 Find out what is 0.99

00:18:03.120 actually in it.

00:18:04.520 Find out if something

00:18:05.260 is festering.

00:18:07.480 Alright,

00:18:07.660 it's better to know now

00:18:08.980 than when it's too late.

00:18:13.060 Do not

00:18:13.880 shirk

00:18:14.580 from the truth.

00:18:16.380 It's terrifying.

00:18:17.540 It's frightening.

00:18:18.120 Who knows

00:18:18.740 what you're actually

00:18:19.920 going to find out

00:18:20.780 when you speak the truth

00:18:22.400 and those people

00:18:22.940 speak the truth to you.

00:18:23.960 So much easier

00:18:24.700 if we all just

00:18:25.380 lie to each other

00:18:26.600 and all just play along

00:18:27.700 and get along

00:18:28.360 and then we don't have

00:18:29.340 to deal with

00:18:29.780 anything hard.

00:18:33.240 But this is the real world

00:18:34.400 and this is,

00:18:34.980 you're dealing with things

00:18:35.720 that have serious

00:18:36.580 consequences

00:18:37.740 for yourself,

00:18:39.660 for others,

00:18:40.360 for your children,

00:18:41.360 for your immortal soul,

00:18:42.600 all of this.

00:18:43.820 So,

00:18:45.520 figure out what's going on.

00:18:46.880 Find out what the truth is.

00:18:50.740 Don't be afraid of it.

00:18:52.600 Or at least don't let

00:18:53.540 that fear stop you.

00:18:54.560 And once you figure out

00:19:00.540 that truth,

00:19:01.420 you can figure out

00:19:02.440 what you're going to do next.

00:19:04.360 All right.

00:19:04.720 Deus Vult, brother.

00:19:06.740 God bless.

00:19:07.640 Irini out.

00:19:08.180 And

00:19:09.480 you're going to know

00:19:17.120 to be safe and

00:19:18.060 to be safe and

00:19:19.620 to be safe and

00:19:20.460 to be safe.

00:19:22.540 Amen.

00:19:23.160 So,

00:19:27.320 first,

00:19:28.040 first,

00:19:28.940 you're going to

00:19:29.440 get off.

00:19:30.940 And

00:19:31.680 you're

00:19:31.740 going to

00:19:32.380 get that

00:19:33.120 onto us.

Leo D.M.J. Aurini - February 17, 2018

Advice for a Long Term Courtship [Requested Video]

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