Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah, and the rest of the late night hosts are on vacation, but we're here to bring you a very special edition of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. It's a social distancing edition of What's in My Cupboard Long? where we re searching for quarantine, not alone.
00:03:24.000We don't tolerate antisemitism on the show.
00:03:28.000I've noticed that the late night hosts, they're all broadcasting from their bathtub and apparently NBC doesn't have the budget for a lavalier microphone.
00:03:35.000Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah, everyone's gone.
00:03:41.000We've decided that they're acceptable risks.
00:03:42.000Unacceptable risks here at Ladder of the Crowder and there's going to be it's going to be hashtag mug club quarantine If you enter in the promo code quarantine, you'll get $30 off the entire month of April starting next Monday Everything that's usually available exclusively at mug club the blaze all of this program will be available on YouTube as well as Three more shows.
00:04:21.000I don't think I'll be receiving a relief check because my wife and I have the gall, I believe, to make over $75,000 a year joint household income.
00:04:27.000But we're still going to give away some money.
00:04:37.000It's wrong that you didn't have something more to say about that that was like a punchline, but I was about to turn and ask, is that legal to give away a gun?
00:11:37.000Despite, by the way, Mohammed's saying that all of your diseases, in the Quran, that all of your diseases will be healed if you go to Medina.
00:11:44.000The cities of Mecca and Medina are nearly empty right now.
00:11:48.000So people are not making their pilgrimages.
00:14:27.000My parents came out and saw there was a bat, like, I guess I must have knocked it or something, and it was right next to us, and I had a bite mark on my stomach as a little kid.
00:14:34.000What do you mean you guess you might have knocked a bat?
00:14:37.000They hang up in the ceiling upside down.
00:16:22.000And then we had, this happened this week, that, and then I love him dearly, even Brendan, but he said, hey, can my family come in to the studio to watch the show?
00:20:14.000He's gonna have a flame coming out of his butthole hiding behind bushes and buildings and try not to make sounds, but his butthole will be making all kinds of fiery sounds.
00:20:25.000To be clear, He's not actually from the CDC.
00:20:33.000And the plus one, most popular video game title right now in San Francisco, Super Smash Brothers, which really is, yeah, just a placeholder.
00:20:40.000So that concludes this week's 7 Plus 1.
00:21:41.000If he can come to the point where he looks competent through this, especially if this thing bounces back, It's going to be, he's going to have some smooth sailing out of it.
00:21:50.000Yeah, I think it's going to go pretty well.
00:21:52.000I think this actually is already a sensitive deal.
00:21:53.000Let me kind of make some points as to why, and you guys can let me know where you think I'm wrong.
00:21:56.000You can let me know, as you very often do.
00:21:59.000The media's been trying to claim that he's been terrible at his job, okay?
00:22:02.000But Donald Trump's overall approval rating, and by the way, this is where polls matter, not like when Bernie Sanders says, look at Venezuela, they prefer their healthcare.
00:23:12.000I hope that those people are liberated eventually from this government.
00:23:15.000It's a shame to me that the media is carrying the water for the Chinese propagandist government.
00:23:19.000You want to know who's not a fan of Jake Tapper?
00:23:22.000All the Chinese who don't work for the government.
00:23:25.000So this is where polls matter because Donald Trump, amidst a crisis, and this is kind of important because you see this quite a bit historically, it's a good indicator, 60% of Americans actually approve of his response to coronavirus.
00:23:35.000His recent approval rating with Gallup, risen from 44% to 49%.
00:23:41.000Who do Americans rate the worst right now, by the way?
00:24:41.000How much do you think of this as just rallying around the president in a crisis?
00:24:47.000I don't think that because the media has been attacking him non-stop.
00:24:51.000So, I mean, you could say maybe people just are tired of seeing someone getting, you know, pummeled by the bullying media at some point and fighting back.
00:24:57.000It would be different, for example, with Barack Obama and there was, you know, there was obviously the recession or right after 9-11.
00:25:03.000These people didn't have such mistrust for the media, whereas at this point they're very open in their attacks on him.
00:26:04.000They didn't do it with the same vigor, you should say.
00:26:07.000And we can compare that directly with his competitor in a general election, Joe Dementia Biden, who claimed that the travel ban was xenophobic.
00:26:19.000Even if everything else from President Trump were terrible, it was absolutely, let's say he handled everything as poorly as can be, he's still not as bad as Joe Biden.
00:27:27.000One of Italy's, wasn't it one of Italy's virologists?
00:27:31.000He said, when responding to the outbreak, that the fear of the political fallout from enacting a travel ban made the pandemic much worse in Italy.
00:28:21.000You don't ban travel from China where the virus originates, people will die.
00:28:26.000And you go back to, like, our definition of political correctness is different than the original, right?
00:28:29.000The original is from Marxist states where, and this is very specific, where the Chinese government, they decided the politically correct thing for doctors to do is deny that there was a virus.
00:28:39.000So this is legitimately, this entire thing is actually an extension of political correctness.
00:29:08.000There's been obviously a multifaceted approach from President Donald Trump, but this is one thing that you can say is singularly unique in comparison to whether it's Biden or Bernie, but it seems like the candidate will obviously be Biden unless, you know, they don't have enough smelling salts.
00:29:20.000But the point is, I think that's a stark contrast.
00:29:25.000And by the way, can we just say, Joe Biden is really unwell.
00:31:08.000And it's very fitting because Putin will In hot topics, we talked about Trump saying the government would reassess the recommended period for keeping businesses shut and people at home.
00:31:16.000won't do the fist bump though because six feet we understand that so he then
00:31:19.000went on The View and the responses they weren't they were not at all coherent.
00:31:23.000In Hot Topics we talked about Trump saying the government would reassess the
00:31:28.000recommended period for keeping businesses shut and people at home. Are
00:31:33.000you at all concerned as Trump said that we cannot let the cure be worse than the
00:31:37.000problem itself? We have to take care of the cure.
00:31:41.000That will make the problem worse no matter what.
00:32:30.000You have to pass it, then you can read it.
00:32:33.000Their counter, I think, had 1,400 pages, and it contained all sorts of ridiculous crap that had nothing to do with the coronavirus.
00:32:40.000If you haven't, there's $35 million in funding for the JFK Performing Arts Center, $90 million for an HIV program, $300 million for migration and refugee assistance, Green New Deal style requirements for carbon emissions.
00:32:54.000Listen, over 3.2 million Americans just filed for unemployment.
00:32:59.000And the Democrats are demanding $300 million for illegal immigrants and refugees.
00:33:05.000And the Democrats, you wonder why America, the heartland doesn't think that you have their best interest at heart?
00:33:10.000Because a nutless monkey would be more effective at putting America first.
00:33:14.000And one of the things in the bill here that just came out, Ted Cruz was talking about this I think yesterday, saying, you just raised unemployment benefits from around $11 an hour, which is not enough money for you to sit at home and just collect a paycheck, to $27-ish per hour.
00:33:28.000That's what they raised it to, about $1,100, just over $1,000 a week.
00:33:30.000You can make around $48,000 a year sitting and doing nothing.
00:34:50.000Also, if we're all, if we're just a monolith racially, because it's different, people respond to diseases a little bit differently, it's more predictable.
00:34:56.000Not saying it because, oh Asians, saying it because it is not nearly as diverse as the United States, and it's tough to control a virus.
00:35:03.000We have a different, all different kinds of ages.
00:35:05.000We have all, we probably have more genders in South Korea, now I'm sure about that.
00:35:38.000This was a big deal and it may seem inconsequential.
00:35:41.000But I think, to go back to your point, I think this is why Americans think that Donald Trump is doing a better job handling this, and they, if it were just in a vacuum, Donald Trump, oh, we approve a rallying around the leader, that wouldn't explain the distrust of the media.
00:38:03.000To go back to the point of the media, this is something that's really important to me.
00:38:06.000I don't know how more clearly we could see the media overreach right now.
00:38:12.000When they start blaming Donald Trump for people eating Koi pond cleaner, When I saw the story, I was like, no, they're not going to jump on this.
00:38:20.000There's no way that they lack the self-awareness to blame Donald Trump for simpletons, for mongoloids, drinking Koi pond cleaner.
00:39:57.000After years, years of the anti-Trump, the Russian collusion, the Ukaine's quid pro quo, The general public, how can they trust the media at all?
00:40:06.000If you've never heard them say one good thing about President Trump, and now they're saying that he's handling the outbreak poorly, when in fact it was the New York Times, the media, who downplayed it.
00:40:14.000Yeah, but you said there were prostitutes peeing on the Formica!
00:40:20.000Everything that you've said is incorrect!
00:40:59.000So she said, she admitted, she said, you know what, early on in this situation, Trump banned flights from China, he was called racist, he was called xenophobic, and it turned out that it was a good move, and it was a big move at the time.
00:41:12.000Now, they wrap that in 30 minutes of criticism, but at least if they will acknowledge basic truths, it'll at least give us a chance to understand and listen to the criticism.
00:41:23.000They're so unwilling, because they're so obsessed with this guy, that they normally won't even give him a point to his favor, no matter what happens.
00:41:41.000It'll be more like a podcast, radio show, less late-nighty, I guess.
00:41:45.000So we'll be able to talk more in depth about the bill.
00:41:48.000But initially, The left's complained that the Republican bill would allow hospitals, this was a big thing, that they would allow elective procedures to be put on hold to make room for corona patients.
00:42:01.000Both sides have accused the other side of playing politics with this bill.
00:42:04.000You're trying to fit this in, and you're trying to earmark this.
00:42:06.000Okay, alright, and let's assume that that is true, because it is true.
00:42:09.000Both sides are trying to play a little bit of political football, right?
00:42:12.000Right now they're trying to shoehorn their crap in.
00:42:14.000Alright, let's assume all of that is true.
00:42:17.000What would be more relevant to a bill exclusively designed to curb the coronavirus and hopefully its economic ripple effect and devastation?
00:42:25.000Helping hospitals alleviate their workload by holding all non-essential procedures like abortions, putting it on hold, or as the Democrats tried to shove into their bill, diversity quotas for corporate boards.
00:42:37.000Getting hospitals masks, respirators, or making sure that there's a newbie in on retainer as an advisor at Dell.
00:42:45.000And I think we do have to go to Denaga here.
00:42:47.000This is something that's really important to you.
00:42:48.000Some people are trying to make this case for socialism.
00:42:50.000I think if you actually observe this objectively, you have to take this as a case against centralized government, because the private sector has stepped up and tried to fix a quagmire that was created by government, regardless of who's in office.
00:43:01.000But it also shows us that, you know what?
00:43:02.000There is a finite amount of resources with government.
00:43:05.000It's ironic to me that the left, they think, well, this person has more, and so I want to take it.
00:43:09.000They don't understand that capitalism for enterprise is not a zero sum game.
00:43:16.000There's only so much money they can take, especially if everybody is unemployed for indefinitely, right?
00:43:21.000There's a limited amount of resources.
00:43:23.000So let's take into account the idea that the government, they've had this Russia hoax investigation going on.
00:43:29.000How many tens of millions, when you add that up and hundreds of millions, I don't know, billions, I don't have the numbers in front of me, the impeachment sham going on.
00:43:37.000Instead of researching gender pronouns and gun control statistics, you do your job!
00:43:42.000That way, people won't take a steaming crap on you as an emblem of systematic corruption and bureaucracy in government looking to the private sector for help.
00:43:53.000There's a fixed amount of resources in the government.
00:43:55.000Seems like maybe we should be a little more prudent in where we use our resources so that we're not caught flat-footed with our pants down again.
00:44:02.000All right, this guy, the Irish guy, Danagla?
00:45:08.000And sponsors like them and Walther are the reason that we can provide Mug Club, do the Mug Club Quarantine Month for free for everyone right now while you guys are getting stir crazy.
00:47:43.000Yeah, but still, you heard me say diathean.
00:47:45.000You could have said don't say it because you'll sound like an idiot, but instead you reverse psychologied me because you know I'm an idiot.
00:47:57.000Well, good, so listen, so right now, if I'm not mistaken, and people, again, you can follow him, just type in Denagla, he's on Twitter, he's on YouTube, does a lot of video gaming, which we'll talk about more on the web extended, because mug club quarantine, this whole month we'll be doing some live video game streaming.
00:49:28.000Well, actually, I think it was the Irish authorities, for people who don't know, they tracked right the first case of the coronavirus, WuFlu, from a man who was traveling, was it Northern Italy?
00:49:39.000And he came into Dublin and then he went up to Northern Ireland and then he left again or something like that and he was the first person in Ireland to go.
00:49:45.000And then I read somewhere in the Irish press that they were saying Donald Trump is blaming the EU for needing to add Ireland to the US travel ban, which doesn't seem... Have you been following this?
00:49:56.000I haven't followed that specific path, but I've just, I've seen stuff in news and social media and whatnot, but I wouldn't consider myself an expert.
00:50:49.000And freezer, just stuffed it full of food pretty early on.
00:50:53.000But I actually flew out to America like first week of March and then it was pretty much like two weeks later, three weeks later, you couldn't fly us.
00:51:55.000I don't, frankly, I don't have much interest in going elsewhere in Europe at this point, because I've had official complaints with Twitter.
00:52:09.000For people here who don't necessarily understand, because obviously Italy, we've talked about this, they didn't close their borders for a long time.
00:52:15.000Sometimes people don't realize that the United States, you know, it's bigger than a lot of areas when we're talking about like the UK, right?
00:52:20.000Or even if you include the UK, I mean, I'm trying to think of all even surrounding countries.
00:52:25.000And so we don't think of how important those borders kind of are when they are different countries in a continent like Europe.
00:52:32.000Is this something that you think might, for example, have ramifications for Brexit now because people over there understand that they need to be able to kind of seal things up in a pandemic?
00:52:43.000Personally, I think, you know, humans are fairly slow to change.
00:52:49.000So I don't think, I think it'll have very little impact politically in terms of like how people perceive borders.
00:52:56.000They'll probably just boil it down to something else.
00:53:20.000I've only done, you know, I've done customs going obviously to Ireland, but I, having been raised in Canada, I would go through the Canadian-United States borders, and sometimes it could be kind of lengthy.
00:53:29.000One time I got in trouble because I bought a pair of shorts from Old Navy, American flag shorts, and I didn't claim it, and I was put in a back room for a while.
00:53:36.000But what is it like in Europe going through borders right now?
00:53:43.000It's a bit awkward going to a country that, like, they don't really speak your language or anything like that, so... Right.
00:53:51.000So it's when you're explaining why you're there, but usually it's just I'm on a holiday and they're like, yeah, come on in.
00:53:56.000Wow, that doesn't sound like a crack security squad.
00:54:01.000No, no, but you do have to line up and talk to somebody and stuff like that.
00:54:06.000But the ones that I would say are tougher are like American immigration.
00:54:11.000Because you have to, like, they have one in Shannon, and then they have one, if you don't fly from Shannon to the U.S., you have to meet the immigration in the U.S.
00:54:47.000But yeah, once I got my visa, they pretty much got very relaxed about it, because this visa was pretty much like, this guy's safe, everything like that.
00:54:58.000But before the visa, when I was traveling on an ESTA, they were really hard-ass about it, and sometimes I was standing there like, Might be going home here.
00:55:19.000That's how cool the United States was to Canadians.
00:55:22.000I don't know if you felt the same when you came to the States, but we would go to the States for like Taco Bell and Gap and things like that.
00:55:29.000And we would always go through to Plattsburgh and my mom would get nervous.
00:55:33.000And my mom, when my mom has a tendency, she's French-Canadian, when she gets nervous, to make other people nervous.
00:57:34.000So for people who don't know, You had a recent surgery, to quote you in your video, you said they... I hope I'm not blowing the lid off, because you did speak about it publicly on YouTube.
00:58:39.000Basically, there's like this A little kind of tube that goes down into your testes, and then around that tube there's like this skin thing, and above that there's like, you know, your grind.
00:58:52.000I'm imagining it now, the grafts, you know?
00:58:55.000And then basically imagine like something like, just holes, something hole opened up.
00:59:00.000Don't know how, they don't even know how it happens.
00:59:13.000For me, it's weird having balls that are normal sized, because I don't remember when they were normal.
00:59:21.000So you were just bragging to everyone, like, I've got the biggest balls you've ever seen!
00:59:24.000And they're like, yeah, you might want to get that checked out.
00:59:26.000I can't say that anymore now, I've got normal balls.
00:59:31.000Apparently they were normal like five years ago because one time when I was going up the stairs you have like boxers that are you know a bit showy on the sides.
00:59:40.000I was going up the stairs and my brother was saying goodnight to me or something like that and he looked up and saw my balls and he said he said he remembers that forever.
01:01:11.000Because my mom in Canada was a year in, I think it was a year and three months, or it might've been 14 months and some change for an MRI when she ruptured a disc in her lower back.
01:01:20.000And Americans can't believe that when I say it, but it sounds like it's pretty comparable in Ireland for a lot of these things.
01:01:25.000Well, I think it's two years because I remember being at the kitchen table with him and I was like, hey, let me, let me pay for your, uh, you know, your, your operation.
01:01:35.000You can get it done probably in a few weeks or something like that.
01:03:02.000Well, if you're stateside now, if you're paying private anyway in Ireland, then you can probably just get a plan here in the United States if you're here and get in and out pretty quickly.
01:03:10.000I mean, I think we had a number, was it Bernie Sanders versus the UK?
01:03:44.000So basically the surgery is to make about a three, four inch incision and to take out your whole sack.
01:03:50.000One side, one side, then they drain it.
01:03:53.000I had an infection, so the tissue was...
01:03:55.000Pretty thick down there, and they have to cut, they have to cut, like, the tissue, and then they wrap the, they put it back in, but the tissue gets wrapped around the ball and then tucked in, so you'll always have, like, a meatier ball than the other one.
01:04:09.000That's gotta be rough being a streamer.
01:04:11.000That's the speed, that's the speed run resolved.
01:04:13.000And then afterwards, I don't, I'm gonna keep talking here, I need to vent.
01:04:18.000Okay, go ahead and vent, go ahead and vent, but just, you know, sit in a bean bag if you need to.
01:04:21.000Just let me go, just let me fly out here.
01:04:26.000I got extreme constipation, which is the worst pain I've ever had in my life.
01:04:30.000While having a surgery near the groin area, it was horrible.
01:04:34.000And then, I didn't say this in my video, so this is a little special.
01:04:38.000I actually went to poop once, farted, and only blood came out.
01:05:16.000But yeah, for a good A good four weeks sitting was just even standing the blood would flow down to the area and then you'd get all the sensations back and you could feel inside of your testicle and like little stabby needles.
01:05:31.000You know what's that thing that they put needles on people?
01:11:08.000That they don't see, because they're not... I think a lot of people don't realize that there's like 80% more content every week at Blaze and Mug Club, and Stu has a show that plays there.
01:11:22.000We have a lot of fun over there, and it's cool to be able to give that to people that aren't in the Mug Club, and they can kind of see what it's like.
01:11:28.000And a big thing too, I will say, it just aggravates me so much when I look at As a kid, if I was homesick, I remember for a while I'd watch the funniest thing I could find on TV.
01:11:38.000And Morton Short had it, Morton Short.
01:13:55.000Really grateful and I will say one thing when I released that the kind of cell phone video talking about this Mug Club quarantine Month a lot of people commented and it's not lost on me Hey, don't overdo it because we know you had a scare with your health before when you were overworking and that is true that has happened before but we've taken all of that into account here and I think we're going to be able to do it pretty pretty well I've told everyone here that I am going to be as regiment doing two shows a day is not easy, right?
01:14:21.000Radio is typically three hours of prep for every hour of radio.
01:14:25.000I would say with this show, probably six hours of prep, at least, for every single hour, and then not to mention how many dozens of hours in pre-production.
01:14:33.000So, I've told everyone, like, I've got to treat this like an athlete.
01:14:36.000I've got to eat right, sleep right, be disciplined, because I'll have to be up, like, at 4.30 in the morning, making sure that we get this, making sure that we get everything fact-checked, making sure that we get all of our sources together before we do a morning show, which is fine for me, because ironically, for a late-night host, I'm a morning person.
01:14:53.000So I'm very, and it will be as much of a blessing, I think, for everyone here to be able to, because some of us are feeling isolated.
01:15:00.000Like our policy is we are only allowed in the office and home and quarantine and limiting social contact.
01:15:06.000Not that we think any of us are going to necessarily die from the coronavirus, but we all have parents, we all have grandparents, and we want to be responsible, especially at this point, err on the side of caution.
01:15:14.000So we are a little bit cooped up in being able to have this direct contact and communication with you guys, especially people who seem to actually care.
01:16:00.000When we started doing this show, so this show, full-length show, was syndicated on radio, the first couple shows had like 4,000 plays.
01:16:08.000To the point where I remember saying, well, you know what?
01:16:09.000Maybe we'll just create Mug Club at this point.
01:16:11.000Maybe we'll just create it, and we'll just put it behind the paywall, because I don't think that a long-form show is ever going to work on YouTube.
01:16:40.000But not a valid criticism is that it's astroturf.
01:16:44.000And that's not because of us, that's because of you.
01:16:46.000You have decided and dictated how this content moves forward, and we want this month to be an opportunity for us all to do that, to see what it is that you like, to connect with you guys.
01:16:56.000Maybe you want us to do more long-form interviews.
01:16:57.000Maybe you like us doing the livestream video games.
01:16:59.000We don't know how it's going to end up or where we will be at the end of this month, but we are so grateful that we get to do it with you, that hopefully we serve you, hopefully this is helpful to you if you're cooped up at home, and that at the end of this month, we'll still be there with you, even though everyone else phoned it in.