Louder with Crowder - #670 | Trevor Noah Hates Freedom-Loving Americans | Ted Cruz Guests | Louder With Crowder

00:00:00.000 Now for a trip inside Trump World's Hall of Mirrors.

00:00:05.000 Sorry.

00:00:06.000 I said I wasn't going to do this.

00:00:07.000 Jesus.

00:00:08.000 This has never been about pollution.

00:00:13.000 What is the matter with you?

00:00:17.000 This is a lie!

00:00:23.000 Again, they're saying breaking news!

00:00:25.000 It's illegal to possess these stolen documents.

00:00:29.000 You are fake news, sir.

00:00:31.000 DON'T BELIEVE THEM!

00:00:33.000 Oh no.

00:00:33.000 Ha ha ha!

00:00:34.000 Oh no! That sucks. 0.99

00:00:40.000 Lotter with Crowder Studios. Protected exclusively by Walther. 0.98

00:00:44.000 And Betty! 1.00

00:00:45.000 The End.

00:01:21.000 Watch this moody late night host slowly loosen her mind about the sounds of laughter and applause.

00:01:28.000 Turn the television off.

00:01:32.000 Usually they're up this late.

00:01:35.000 Now I think my patience is slowly starting to disintegrate.

00:01:42.000 Treasure Noah grew a dusty step to make the bees outside.

00:01:49.000 Someone get Colbert a microphone. 0.98

00:01:52.000 It's like they don't even try.

00:01:58.000 It's not easy to work.

00:02:01.000 These show folks are poor.

00:02:05.000 It's not easy to work When they ain't better at all

00:02:13.000 I see all those funny faces Afraid it could rub off

00:02:20.000 What?

00:02:48.000 Counties that are majority black have three times the rate of infections and the answer to all of Cuomo's questions is tragically familial. 0.91

00:02:57.000 Centuries of racism. 0.52

00:02:58.000 Alright, I'm going to do some jokes.

00:03:00.000 So excited to be doing the show in front of my panic room.

00:03:02.000 I mean, living room.

00:03:05.000 Doing the show from my home for two reasons.

00:03:08.000 First, to stop the spread of the coronavirus.

00:03:10.000 Second, so I can write off my real estate tax.

00:03:13.000 That's our monologue everybody!

00:03:18.000 Trump wants every single one of these checks to have his signature on them.

00:03:22.000 Which would be the first time he's ever put his name on something helpful. 1.00

00:03:27.000 Dumbest thing he's decided to put his name on something really dumb. 1.00

00:03:32.000 Brilliant! 1.00

00:03:33.000 Do you ever think about calling Trump and suggesting ways that he could do better?

00:03:40.000 We have never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around 16.

00:03:47.000 We have never, never let our democracy take second place.

00:03:55.000 I've never told jokes.

00:03:56.000 I've never just told jokes to myself.

00:03:57.000 That's a fact.

00:03:58.000 I'm not even trying to be funny here.

00:03:59.000 What?

00:03:59.000 There's no jokes.

00:03:59.000 You've got to be kidding me.

00:04:15.000 You're a strange animal, that's what I know You're a strange animal, I've got to follow 0.99

00:04:51.000 I'm a beast And... 0.96

00:04:59.000 That's called the Late Night Expectant Joke, and instead it's a webcam video.

00:05:03.000 To that, it's the old Ollie Shuffle. 0.88

00:05:05.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, expect me to be funny?

00:05:07.000 No!

00:05:08.000 What?

00:05:09.000 What?

00:05:10.000 Quite the zap.

00:05:11.000 You got me again, Trevor Noah.

00:05:13.000 Which I'll be talking about today.

00:05:14.000 Trevor Noah, not a big fan.

00:05:16.000 We have Senator Ted Cruz on the show.

00:05:18.000 Right here, of course, is the winner for the stimulus funding, $1,200.

00:05:23.000 Really?

00:05:23.000 Yep, I'm going to read that a little bit later on.

00:05:26.000 Everybody here, you guys have gotten your checks?

00:05:30.000 You absolutely have.

00:05:31.000 You know the problem?

00:05:32.000 You are being paid more now than ever.

00:05:34.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:05:35.000 Because we're still working.

00:05:37.000 Yes, well, that's good, right?

00:05:38.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:05:39.000 Well, anyway, this guy's going to appreciate it.

00:05:43.000 Tomorrow morning, of course, we have Good Morning Mug Club since it's Mug Club Quarantine of the Month.

00:05:48.000 We have Dan Crenshaw on the show.

00:05:49.000 That's huge. 1.00

00:05:50.000 That bastard, he bumped us. 0.99

00:05:51.000 He didn't show up on Wednesday, so we'll have him tomorrow. 0.96

00:05:53.000 The promo code is QUARANTINE.

00:05:55.000 You get $30 off through the whole month of April.

00:05:59.000 People are saying, what if they extend the quarantine in my municipality?

00:06:01.000 Listen, it's not a regional promotion.

00:06:06.000 You've got to be on a national level, guys.

00:06:08.000 Come on.

00:06:08.000 I'm sorry, Kent County, but you get the same rules as everyone else.

00:06:13.000 And, of course, we're broadcasting twice a day, every day.

00:06:16.000 And I am very tired.

00:06:17.000 So, we have my half-Asian lawyer, Bill Richmond, is here.

00:06:20.000 How are you, sir?

00:06:20.000 He's lost 12 pounds.

00:06:21.000 Yes!

00:06:22.000 That's good for him.

00:06:23.000 Thank you.

00:06:24.000 I mean, that's like a twin.

00:06:27.000 I know.

00:06:27.000 It's amazing.

00:06:28.000 Quarter Black Garrett is here. 1.00

00:06:29.000 What's up?

00:06:29.000 I'm glad you stuck your perfectly straight hair back underneath the baseball cap so that you can pass as biracial as opposed to 90s bully.

00:06:38.000 Audio Wade is here.

00:06:39.000 G Morgan Jr.

00:06:40.000 Gerald A. What's the wine of the day?

00:06:41.000 Wine of the day is Cosmic Egg.

00:06:43.000 The Cosmic Egg.

00:06:44.000 Funky label, right?

00:06:46.000 I don't like it.

00:06:47.000 Why do we have Brian Stelter's head as a wine?

00:06:49.000 It does look like that, doesn't it?

00:06:51.000 It doesn't look like that at all. 0.77

00:06:52.000 Weak!

00:06:55.000 We're going to be talking about Trevor Noah, late night, all of this.

00:07:00.000 So my question for you, I guess, is what's your opinion been of late night during this pandemic?

00:07:05.000 Kimmel, Colbert, Myers, which one do you think has done it best?

00:07:09.000 Is there even a joke or a bit that stands out?

00:07:11.000 I gotta tell you, I feel really good about it. 0.99

00:07:14.000 Because for the first time, they've entered into our arena, and they suck. 1.00

00:07:17.000 And they definitely suck. 1.00

00:07:18.000 All of them suck. 1.00

00:07:18.000 I used to think they were worthy competitors. 1.00

00:07:20.000 Now, just unworthy.

00:07:24.000 Unable to transition. 0.99

00:07:25.000 And we'll be getting to, of course, the denigrating of all the American citizens who think they should be getting back to work, and Trevor Noah decided to take a big steaming South African crap on them. 0.98

00:07:35.000 Ship him out! 0.99

00:07:36.000 But first, first, we're all tied up in our national news.

00:07:39.000 It's important to look to international politics.

00:07:42.000 It is, always.

00:07:42.000 To learn that, you know what?

00:07:43.000 You can still die with dignity.

00:07:45.000 Oh my gosh. 1.00

00:07:52.000 Now either that guy is Uganda's Bill Murray equivalent in Get Low, or he's an asshole. 1.00

00:08:08.000 And people took liberties with his funeral. 1.00

00:08:10.000 Actually, in their culture, death is good.

00:08:12.000 Really?

00:08:13.000 Ah, yes.

00:08:13.000 Because it's a sweet release from life.

00:08:16.000 That's what I want at my funeral, man.

00:08:17.000 Where is that option on the funeral home?

00:08:19.000 Would you like the hype crew?

00:08:20.000 To carry your casket?

00:08:21.000 Sometimes I feel that way about this show.

00:08:24.000 I want that.

00:08:25.000 Yeah.

00:08:26.000 How do I order that?

00:08:27.000 What do you want? 0.97

00:08:28.000 You want to be a black man with a planter's peanut sauce? 1.00

00:08:30.000 I want all six of us. 0.75

00:08:30.000 I don't know who was in that. 0.75

00:08:31.000 That could have been me in there dancing.

00:08:33.000 That's the best dancing I've ever seen.

00:08:34.000 It's like looking into a mirror.

00:08:36.000 Amazing.

00:08:37.000 I love it.

00:08:38.000 You're the one who's supposed to prevent us from getting banned on YouTube.

00:08:42.000 I'm praising the dancing funeral.

00:08:44.000 We have some news to get.

00:08:45.000 Yeah, it's the racism of soft expectations.

00:08:50.000 Bill, I know they're not all necessarily doing little rascals on each other's shoulders with a dragon going like this.

00:08:56.000 Hey, I grew up Baptist.

00:08:58.000 I love dancing in any form.

00:08:59.000 Do you really?

00:09:00.000 Yeah.

00:09:00.000 How many words for snow do you have?

00:09:02.000 Well, my people have 97 words for snow.

00:09:05.000 Landbridge Theory, it checks out.

00:09:08.000 News before we move on.

00:09:09.000 COVID-19, of course, this is what everyone's talking about, and COVID-19 has changed a lot of people's minds.

00:09:15.000 It's actually forced epidemiologists to question the long-standing medical theory that, quote, laughter is the best medicine.

00:09:23.000 It's no secret, of course, that Donald Trump has been holding daily press briefings. 0.97

00:09:30.000 We did a live stream with one of those, which networks have accused of turning into propaganda sessions, with CNN even going so far as to refuse to even air them, replacing it instead with a fat gay guy talking about them. 0.97

00:09:45.000 Serving you just the facts. 0.55

00:09:47.000 Brian Stelter this week stated, and I want to make sure I get this right, that it's, quote, okay to not be okay.

00:09:55.000 This week when he was speaking of his grief over the coronavirus, even leading to his admission that he, quote, crawled into bed and cried for hours over the pandemic.

00:10:06.000 And matters just weren't helped any when his tweet was protested by the Westboro Baptist Church, So that's a double whammy.

00:10:12.000 It's too bad for him.

00:10:13.000 It's a double whammy.

00:10:14.000 It's tough when you get in their sights.

00:10:16.000 I don't know if Stelter was expecting some empathy from this side of the peanut gallery.

00:10:22.000 Sorely mistaken.

00:10:23.000 He wouldn't cry with his millions of dollars.

00:10:24.000 Don't worry.

00:10:24.000 He's okay.

00:10:26.000 Switching to international news.

00:10:27.000 Back to international news because that's Bill's forte apparently.

00:10:30.000 Love it.

00:10:30.000 The dancing.

00:10:31.000 A Kenyan governor announced plans to include Hennessy in coronavirus care packages this week.

00:10:37.000 I like this guy.

00:10:38.000 Yes.

00:10:39.000 He claimed that, quote, alcohol plays a very major role in killing the coronavirus or any sort of virus.

00:10:46.000 That's his quote, not ours.

00:10:47.000 Don't snope us.

00:10:49.000 Now, of course, Kenyan Governor Mike Sanko, he's not to be confused with Nigerian President Mahamadou Buhari, who himself is a notorious Colt 45 man.

00:10:59.000 Works every time!

00:11:01.000 It does.

00:11:03.000 Hey! 0.99

00:11:03.000 It works every time. 0.99

00:11:04.000 Mike Sanko?

00:11:05.000 I mean... You wouldn't expect that, would you?

00:11:07.000 I mean, it's like a Bill Richmond.

00:11:08.000 You know?

00:11:10.000 It doesn't make sense.

00:11:11.000 We are very proud of our leadership.

00:11:13.000 He has done a fantastic job in leading our people to prosperity.

00:11:17.000 Right, Mike?

00:11:20.000 Back at ya!

00:11:22.000 Uh, back to America.

00:11:24.000 Of course, Joe Biden has been, um, it's not really a laughing matter.

00:11:27.000 He's been showing troubling signs of early onset dementia, which has led many experts to question the capability of his basic memory.

00:11:34.000 Though one thing he'll never forget, sniffing Shirley Temple.

00:11:38.000 Oh my gosh.

00:11:39.000 How does he?

00:11:42.000 I'm not even going to say it.

00:11:44.000 You'd remember.

00:11:44.000 Probably my favorite joke I've ever written in my life.

00:11:47.000 Because not only is he a pedophile, not only in that joke is Joe Biden very old, he's old enough to have been a pedophile when he sniffed Shirley Temple. 0.88

00:11:59.000 And if you don't appreciate that, go watch Trevor Noah. 0.93

00:12:03.000 In an odd turn of events, today is Shirley Temple's birthday.

00:12:05.000 Really?

00:12:06.000 Who knew that?

00:12:08.000 Joe knows that.

00:12:09.000 I'm not going to lie, I thought you meant that he dug her up and smelled her.

00:12:13.000 That's what I thought.

00:12:15.000 Don't overcomplicate the jokes!

00:12:19.000 Also, this is other news, New York City mayor, for those of you who don't remember, Bill de Blasio.

00:12:24.000 A lot of people forget, because there are so many notable mayors of New York, and then this guy. 0.96

00:12:30.000 His social distancing tip line was flooded, by the way, with, warning if you have kids in the room, penis photos and Hitler memes. 0.96

00:12:37.000 It's so funny. 0.98

00:12:39.000 Yeah, let me explain the story of this. 0.93

00:12:41.000 New Yorkers showed de Blasio how they felt about being asked to snitch on each other when his tip line went public by flooding it with crank complaints, including pictures of penises and memes featuring Adolf Hitler. 0.97

00:12:52.000 Now, I do want to note that the photos were initially separate until the great meme convergence of Hitler d*** pic. 0.97

00:12:59.000 And that became a problem. 0.71

00:13:01.000 It took it too far.

00:13:03.000 That is four raging Pinocchios.

00:13:09.000 And all of a sudden, Anthony Weiner is back in the news.

00:13:11.000 He is always back.

00:13:12.000 Is he president yet?

00:13:14.000 He should be. 0.99

00:13:14.000 He needs something to do while his wife is off on her secret lesbian escapades. 0.99

00:13:21.000 In religion news, Pope Francis said that whiskey is real holy water in a censored clip. 0.92

00:13:30.000 Yeah.

00:13:32.000 The clip was set to debut in an upcoming documentary, but it was censored by the Vatican over concerns for the Pope's image.

00:13:39.000 And I mean, I understand they have to do damage control.

00:13:41.000 This should come as no surprise from the man who once saw Mary in his crack rock. 0.60

00:13:45.000 So really, he has a long standing... I see it.

00:13:47.000 I see it.

00:13:48.000 That is a partier.

00:13:48.000 That is a large crack rock.

00:13:50.000 He is one hell of a productive Pope.

00:13:53.000 Yeah.

00:13:53.000 You're more productive, apparently.

00:13:55.000 He just cleaned the whole Vatican for hours.

00:13:56.000 Yeah.

00:13:57.000 I love how we're polishing it.

00:13:58.000 Made his own shoes, huh?

00:13:59.000 What's that, 24 karat?

00:14:00.000 I want to see my face in it.

00:14:01.000 Our best and smartest guy, especially when it comes to Mass Monday, is the one who is instantly identifying the absurd size of the crack rock.

00:14:08.000 Yeah, I know.

00:14:08.000 It's insulted.

00:14:09.000 He was like, no, no, no, look at this one.

00:14:11.000 What?

00:14:11.000 Yeah.

00:14:12.000 It should be Mass Crack Day. 0.98

00:14:15.000 Because you do so much crack cocaine.

00:14:17.000 I was picking up.

00:14:18.000 I'm joking, he's a meth guy. 0.98

00:14:20.000 Look how white he is! 0.98

00:14:21.000 I have all my teeth!

00:14:22.000 He can't afford crack, but give him some antifreeze and a couple bottles of nails and he's good to go.

00:14:28.000 They sell nails in bottles?

00:14:30.000 That shows you how the last time I went to a Lowe's.

00:14:34.000 Right.

00:14:36.000 Do you have any nails?

00:14:38.000 I don't know.

00:14:39.000 It depends.

00:14:39.000 How much do you need?

00:14:40.000 Like a bottle?

00:14:42.000 I mean, you gotta pour them out, right?

00:14:43.000 You got a bottle of nails?

00:14:44.000 Preferably with a funnel included?

00:14:47.000 I love how all of our contractor friends are like, what in the... These guys!

00:14:51.000 No, no, they're going, what is he saying, man?

00:14:55.000 Ouch! 1.00

00:14:56.000 Come on, what do you mean?

00:14:57.000 They're watching this on their iPhone on the back of a pickup truck.

00:14:59.000 Now, we turn to the latest, of course, with coronavirus, COVID-19, whose rapid spread has changed the way that we now look at the disease.

00:15:07.000 There have been some new updates this week, and we've talked about them quite a bit in the morning show.

00:15:11.000 It's a little more laid back.

00:15:12.000 We get into the ins and outs of death rates.

00:15:14.000 So, understanding now that the vast majority of people who contract the disease are asymptomatic.

00:15:18.000 We're learning this.

00:15:20.000 This means that while the mortality rate is drastically lower than initially expected, and that's a good thing, more people can be potential carriers.

00:15:27.000 So, you win some, you lose some.

00:15:29.000 Unless you're the Detroit Lions.

00:15:31.000 Hmm.

00:15:33.000 Yeah.

00:15:33.000 Then you just lose a lot.

00:15:35.000 I wasn't expecting that one.

00:15:38.000 So finally last week, dozens of celebrities teamed up.

00:15:43.000 I thought you were going to say Bernie.

00:15:45.000 I've decided that I don't care anymore.

00:15:46.000 You guys go along with it.

00:15:50.000 You don't have to show it.

00:15:51.000 Heavy is the... Heavy wears the crown?

00:15:54.000 Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

00:15:56.000 I have a big head.

00:15:57.000 I have famous guy head, I'm just not that famous.

00:16:00.000 So it just comes with all sort of cranial complications.

00:16:04.000 Without the benefit of a multi-million dollar contract.

00:16:06.000 None of them.

00:16:07.000 Finally, I think, was it last week?

00:16:09.000 Yeah.

00:16:10.000 Dozens of celebrities, they teamed up for an eight-hour stream called One World. 0.97

00:16:13.000 And by the way, whenever One World is in the, you know it's going to be crap. 0.96

00:16:17.000 Just don't. 0.90

00:16:17.000 From a Saturday morning show after Hang Time and City Guys, anyone out there who remembers it, you know what I'm talking about. 0.90

00:16:23.000 There's one Asian actor in there.

00:16:24.000 Sorry, I don't represent your people well.

00:16:26.000 I looked good.

00:16:26.000 I never do.

00:16:27.000 From that all the way to, you know, whatever it is.

00:16:29.000 This thing right here, it's called One World Together at Home.

00:16:33.000 One of the standout performances, of course, was this one, viral, was from the Rolling Stones.

00:16:37.000 ♪ Now you can't always get what you want ♪ ♪ Now you can't always get what you want ♪

00:16:49.000 Keith Richards.

00:16:50.000 Huh.

00:16:50.000 He's basically been embalmed.

00:16:52.000 Yeah, I don't know how he does it.

00:16:53.000 Not their best.

00:16:54.000 He's never been sober, and it works for him.

00:16:57.000 Who's gonna tell Keith Richards to sober up?

00:16:59.000 Yeah, he's just being preserved by other drugs.

00:17:02.000 Not I. King Tut plays his guitar.

00:17:03.000 He's well pickled, okay?

00:17:04.000 Come on.

00:17:05.000 Think about your family.

00:17:06.000 You think about your family, eh?

00:17:09.000 It would just never... it wouldn't end well.

00:17:10.000 What are you going to tell me?

00:17:11.000 Huh?

00:17:12.000 What am I doing wrong?

00:17:14.000 I'm just sitting here playing the maracas, making millions.

00:17:19.000 Who cares if I look like Captain Jack Sparrow?

00:17:21.000 It works!

00:17:23.000 Oh, my wife's from Liverpool. 0.86

00:17:24.000 I don't think that's that.

00:17:25.000 I don't think that's regionally accurate.

00:17:27.000 No, it's not.

00:17:27.000 Probably not.

00:17:29.000 Now, of course, there were a lot of people, they were talking about how you hear in there, there's a shaker sound.

00:17:33.000 Yeah, I heard it.

00:17:33.000 But the person who was using the shaker wasn't pictured.

00:17:36.000 Oh.

00:17:37.000 And so this became sort of a phenomenon online.

00:17:39.000 People had conspiracies, who was doing this.

00:17:42.000 Right.

00:17:42.000 Wow.

00:17:42.000 Here at the Letter with Crowder program, we have an exclusive Hey man, are you getting camera raw?

00:17:46.000 made available to us of the mysterious shaker player. Since we couldn't afford the rights, though, to be clear, you'll

00:17:50.000 be happy with this half-vision, but we couldn't afford the

00:17:52.000 rights to the Rolling Stones song. We didn't want to run afoul of the

00:17:54.000 copyright. So here is the isolated track.

00:17:56.000 Hey man, are you getting camera? It's not showing up on zoom.

00:18:15.000 We have seven minutes of that available on Triter Pads.

00:18:20.000 When you get an exclusive, you have to take advantage of the scoop.

00:18:24.000 Yeah.

00:18:24.000 Well, that's the problem with Zoom, the unmute.

00:18:26.000 He just, he did it.

00:18:27.000 I don't know anything about, that's Zoom humor. 0.71

00:18:29.000 Yeah.

00:18:30.000 It's not my genre of humor.

00:18:31.000 I don't even know if it's humor.

00:18:32.000 Your humor, your genre, your wheelhouse is Zoom and crack rocks.

00:18:36.000 Crack rocks that are oversized.

00:18:38.000 Look at them.

00:18:39.000 Zoom and tights.

00:18:39.000 Do the research.

00:18:41.000 Hey, Quarterback Eric, what are the tweets of the week that we have up here?

00:18:43.000 We had a bunch of tweets.

00:18:44.000 New Mug Club members, they got their mugs within five days.

00:18:48.000 Oh, look at that!

00:18:48.000 That's awesome.

00:18:49.000 That's pretty awesome.

00:18:49.000 Thank you so much for signing up.

00:18:50.000 Some Black Rifle coffee in there.

00:18:52.000 Yeah.

00:18:53.000 Breakfast.

00:18:53.000 I noticed people really like the Dark Roast from Black Rifle, which is, you know, I'm not a big fan of Dark Roast.

00:18:59.000 I'm a fan of the Medium Roast.

00:19:01.000 But you know, if it's your thing.

00:19:03.000 Is that your favorite from the Medium?

00:19:05.000 You said you liked it.

00:19:06.000 There are multiple medium.

00:19:07.000 Medium kind of roast. 1.00

00:19:08.000 Well, I feel like an idiot. 0.99

00:19:09.000 Is that favorite from them is red? 0.99

00:19:12.000 Yes.

00:19:13.000 Yes.

00:19:13.000 From them, the medium?

00:19:14.000 Thank you for picking a color knowing I couldn't see it.

00:19:17.000 Well, how are you a sommelier?

00:19:19.000 That brings a lot of things to question.

00:19:22.000 What do you have that goes well with a nice filet?

00:19:25.000 Oh, I don't know.

00:19:26.000 You can have yourself a nice white or green.

00:19:32.000 Let's stick with the white. 0.98

00:19:33.000 Why don't you just tell me the name of the wine you would like, sir?

00:19:38.000 I've been faking it for a very long time, Steve.

00:19:42.000 It's tiring.

00:19:43.000 This, I believe, is speckled.

00:19:45.000 That's champagne.

00:19:46.000 It is.

00:19:47.000 It's champagne.

00:19:48.000 It is.

00:19:49.000 The winner, by the way, you will be receiving $1,200 because I don't need the stimulus check, and we're able to keep our jobs here.

00:19:56.000 I know that many of you have been affected.

00:19:58.000 It is, what's his name?

00:19:59.000 It's Father to Ellie West.

00:20:03.000 Father to Ellie West Edgar?

00:20:07.000 I hope I didn't dox you.

00:20:09.000 That sounds like a long name, and doxing would be the least of your worries.

00:20:15.000 Here we have it from me.

00:20:16.000 He says he's a 25-year-old driver for a trucking company.

00:20:19.000 He's gone away for weeks at a time.

00:20:21.000 Here's why I am asking for a blessing.

00:20:23.000 Starting February 2019, my wonderful wife found out she's three weeks pregnant with her beautiful baby boy.

00:20:27.000 Congratulations.

00:20:28.000 Not even three days after finding out the news, her health went down.

00:20:32.000 She's in bed rest, as of right now.

00:20:34.000 He's the only income for them.

00:20:36.000 So, man, you know what?

00:20:38.000 I know a lot of people have been affected.

00:20:39.000 If I had the money, I would give $1,200 away to everybody.

00:20:42.000 But you know what?

00:20:43.000 You guys should hit up Trevor Noah, because he wants to give back. 0.99

00:20:46.000 Just kidding, he's a f***er. 0.94

00:20:47.000 Andrew Yang might do it too, you know. 0.99

00:20:49.000 Well, Yang is generous.

00:20:50.000 With my money.

00:20:51.000 With your money, yeah.

00:20:52.000 He'll take it from you and give it to other people.

00:20:53.000 Kind of like when you leave, I serve your wine up to everyone else.

00:20:58.000 The difference is I know which color it is.

00:21:00.000 Which one?

00:21:02.000 Do you understand how color works?

00:21:05.000 I think.

00:21:05.000 He's like covering it up, like, it's glass!

00:21:08.000 It's see-through!

00:21:09.000 It's translucent!

00:21:10.000 I can still see!

00:21:12.000 Now you're just clutching it like a baby because it's your unhealthy addiction.

00:21:15.000 Everything you do makes things worse in this room.

00:21:18.000 It does.

00:21:18.000 I should sit still.

00:21:20.000 I love you.

00:21:24.000 I see that.

00:21:25.000 I saw it the other day.

00:21:26.000 No, I really do.

00:21:27.000 You were great too, by the way.

00:21:28.000 Thank you for flying co-pilot in the press briefing live stream.

00:21:30.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:21:31.000 By the way, we are doing a live stream next Thursday where we will be doing another press briefing.

00:21:35.000 We'll be doing exactly—and then continuing through CNN primetime, fact-checking them since they won't run the press briefing.

00:21:42.000 Who do we have?

00:21:43.000 We have Chris Cuomo, we have Wolf Blitzer, Aaron Burnett.

00:21:46.000 The whole Rose Gallery.

00:21:47.000 Yeah, because a lot of you gave us some positive feedback that you liked the press briefing and you want us to do more of it, and we thought, well, you know what, though?

00:21:53.000 Then the next day we were sort of covering the lies that happened after the press briefing, and since we won't be doing a show next Friday, since that's the end of Mug Club Quarantine, we just said, let's just do four hours because I'm a sadomasochist.

00:22:03.000 You are.

00:22:04.000 Nothing like finishing strong.

00:22:05.000 Yeah, well, let's go with that.

00:22:08.000 So I want to talk Trevor Noah. 0.99

00:22:11.000 A lot of people have been making these same exact claims out there where they've just been vilifying anyone who wants to go back to work as conspiracy theory nuts, as morons, as flyover dunces. 0.70

00:22:22.000 So let's specifically just target Trevor Noah because I think he's everything wrong with not America because he's not from here and he shouldn't be here, just humanity. 0.92

00:22:31.000 I don't know how that guy got a visa.

00:22:33.000 Was the HB1 for highly skilled workers?

00:22:36.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:22:37.000 Somehow he got in.

00:22:39.000 Somehow someone tricked the taxman into thinking Trevor Noah is a highly skilled worker.

00:22:44.000 Never saw Letterman, I'm guessing.

00:22:46.000 I think he also tricked people into thinking he was funny, too.

00:22:48.000 Well, that was the implication.

00:22:50.000 Way to lay it out there, Joe.

00:22:52.000 Well, just in case somebody misses it.

00:22:54.000 So here's the context.

00:22:55.000 I want to run some clips and we'll go through.

00:22:56.000 He's just emblematic of this so it's perfect because we can rebut all of his points because it kind of just, it's this amalgamate of horrible points and straw men that everyone else has been making.

00:23:07.000 Here's a clip.

00:23:07.000 I think we're the first clip.

00:23:08.000 He's vilifying the protesters and right here, this is the same attack you hear all the time, that people who are protesting out there right now who want to restart the economy, they clearly want to increase deaths.

00:23:19.000 Over the weekend, America surpassed 40,000 confirmed coronavirus deaths and 750,000 confirmed infections.

00:23:28.000 And because of that, most of us have accepted that as painful as it is, we need to stay at home a little longer until we can get those numbers under control.

00:23:39.000 But it turns out there's a different group of people around the country who are saying, How can we get those numbers to go up? 0.91

00:23:44.000 He's wearing a sweater that makes him look like he's being raped.

00:23:46.000 Protests erupting coast-to-coast with calls to end stay-at-home orders. 0.85

00:23:50.000 Thousands lining the streets of Wisconsin, rallying cries from Washington to Colorado to Maryland.

00:23:56.000 Actually, people just want it.

00:23:57.000 First off, it's just so bad.

00:23:59.000 If you make that hood pink, that's Justin Trudeau, the way he is dressed right now.

00:24:05.000 And his little Edmond Dantesque.

00:24:07.000 He looks like an uncircumcised Trevor Noah.

00:24:10.000 I guess if there's, like, some penicillin on the...

00:24:14.000 I've got a vision in my head.

00:24:16.000 It is remarkable to me that we vilify these people who want to go back to work, by the way.

00:24:21.000 And now we're seeing the numbers.

00:24:23.000 Increased suicides, increased anxiety, depression.

00:24:26.000 Why do you want more people to die by locking them at home?

00:24:29.000 This is something important to note.

00:24:31.000 22 million Americans file jobless claims.

00:24:33.000 Wow.

00:24:34.000 Surveys show that one in four Americans have either lost their job or had pay cut from shutdowns.

00:24:39.000 They don't even know how much this is going to lessen.

00:24:42.000 I think it was 35 percent of retailers that were non-groceries, 20-something percent of hotels, 15 to 20 percent of restaurants.

00:24:48.000 They say they'll have to close if the crisis continues over the coming months.

00:24:52.000 And we know that that kind of stress and trauma comes with suicide, depression.

00:24:56.000 That is more of a burden on our health system than building extra hospitals that are entirely empty.

00:25:00.000 Yeah, and people are picking on other states for opening up, saying, look, you don't need to get your hair cut, you don't need to go to a nail salon, right?

00:25:06.000 And that's not really the point.

00:25:07.000 It's emblematic of the whole shutdown.

00:25:09.000 It's like, we need to be able to go out and do things that are safe enough to do.

00:25:12.000 Don't just pick the hair salons and the nail salons and tattoo parlors and say, we can't do that.

00:25:16.000 We can go out and shop six feet away.

00:25:18.000 If Home Depot can be open, Nebraska Furniture Mart can be open.

00:25:20.000 Trevor Noah's perm guy, he does house calls.

00:25:24.000 Oh, well that's convenient.

00:25:26.000 way. A lot of people don't realize that's a perm. Looking to a part time.

00:25:26.000 From six feet away.

00:25:33.000 So here's another claim that he made.

00:25:38.000 Bill, you nothing, nothing, half-Asian Bill? 0.97

00:25:40.000 Nothing today?

00:25:41.000 He's just like over there.

00:25:41.000 It's like he's dead.

00:25:42.000 He's not even alive today.

00:25:43.000 I don't know what happened.

00:25:44.000 You insulted my people.

00:25:45.000 I'm just counting all the money I'm going to make from legal fees.

00:25:45.000 Hold on.

00:25:48.000 You're getting sued over these jokes.

00:25:49.000 I love it.

00:25:50.000 I love it.

00:25:51.000 Come at me, Trevor Noah.

00:25:54.000 Come at me, bruh.

00:25:55.000 No.

00:25:56.000 No, he won't.

00:25:57.000 He won't.

00:25:57.000 No, he won't.

00:25:58.000 He's very small and unfunny.

00:25:59.000 Wispy.

00:26:00.000 Wispy, yes.

00:26:01.000 Wispy.

00:26:02.000 Very wispy.

00:26:03.000 He has a mustache like the Taco Bell dog.

00:26:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:07.000 He has a mustache like Amber Heard should beat the shit out of him. 1.00

00:26:12.000 Domestic abuse joke. 1.00

00:26:15.000 It's funny when it happens to men.

00:26:16.000 It is.

00:26:17.000 You can't joke about rape ever, unless it's about men.

00:26:20.000 Then it's a good time for all.

00:26:24.000 Here's something else that he talks about.

00:26:25.000 He has this misconception about flattening the curve.

00:26:28.000 Have you noticed, by the way, we were always talking about flattening the curve.

00:26:30.000 That was the whole thing.

00:26:31.000 You're not hearing that nearly as much now.

00:26:32.000 It's flatten the curve, flatten the curve, gotta flatten the curve, gotta flatten the curve, gotta flatten the curve.

00:26:35.000 That's always what we heard.

00:26:36.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:26:37.000 Flattening the curve, people need to understand this.

00:26:40.000 You can't eliminate the disease by flattening the curve.

00:26:43.000 It was to manage the cases in a way so that the healthcare system wasn't overloaded.

00:26:48.000 Here's the graphic that I think we would always see.

00:26:51.000 And I get it.

00:26:52.000 You just look at the graph.

00:26:53.000 It doesn't really mean anything.

00:26:54.000 You can look into the numbers because you can make a graph look like anything.

00:26:57.000 But that was the idea.

00:26:58.000 And that's a legitimate thing to do.

00:27:01.000 I want to make this very clear.

00:27:03.000 We should do that.

00:27:04.000 We absolutely did do that, by the way.

00:27:06.000 This is why they said, we need 40,000 ventilators, and it turned out they didn't even need 4,000.

00:27:11.000 They opened up these new hospitals and now they're shutting them down.

00:27:14.000 They're laying off or furloughing health care workers because we have not seen this influx of people.

00:27:19.000 Remember early on they said, hey, if you think you have symptoms and you're young, stay home.

00:27:23.000 Don't overload the hospital.

00:27:25.000 Now at HuffPo and CNN they're saying, young people are waiting too long before they flood hospitals!

00:27:29.000 They were converting stadiums into hospitals.

00:27:31.000 They were building hospitals in Central Park.

00:27:33.000 They were doing all these field hospitals and they're like, oh hell, we built those and now we don't need them.

00:27:37.000 We don't need any of it.

00:27:38.000 And by the way, just something to be clear, flattening the curve is important so that you obviously give, it's that rubber band effect, that you give the healthcare system enough time to deal with the burden.

00:27:46.000 But as far as the disease, flattening the curve can often just make it go longer.

00:27:50.000 You need to be clear about it.

00:27:51.000 By definition, it makes it go longer.

00:27:53.000 I was trying to hedge my words because my lawyer was in the room.

00:27:56.000 So go ahead and you can say it definitively.

00:27:58.000 Fine.

00:27:59.000 Fine.

00:27:59.000 I mean, whenever you look at every single graphic of flattening the curve, they're saying, stretch it out as long as possible.

00:28:05.000 Again, to not overload.

00:28:06.000 Like GAC.

00:28:07.000 Yes, just like GAC.

00:28:08.000 Just like a crappy Play-Doh that your mom made at home because she wouldn't get you the real stuff.

00:28:12.000 I didn't even know what that was.

00:28:13.000 And you're really resentful about it.

00:28:13.000 Like the Stretch Armstrong mini because my parents couldn't afford the creepy crawling machine when I was a kid.

00:28:16.000 Same thing.

00:28:17.000 Oh, wow.

00:28:17.000 And you just stretch it out.

00:28:19.000 It still hurts, Gerald.

00:28:20.000 But then the question goes, how long?

00:28:21.000 Can you see how red my face is?

00:28:23.000 Look at him.

00:28:23.000 Oh no, that's right, he can't.

00:28:24.000 Looks like an Asian drinker. 1.00

00:28:25.000 I'm sorry, I interrupted your point, and you're the smartest in here.

00:28:27.000 No, I am second smartest to Gerald.

00:28:29.000 Hey, you missed.

00:28:32.000 You're going to keep dragging it out.

00:28:33.000 Drag it out until when?

00:28:34.000 November, December 2025?

00:28:36.000 I mean, that's the issue.

00:28:38.000 The folks we go back to, like Rachel Maddow, you pointed out last week, is saying, we can't even think.

00:28:44.000 About reopening.

00:28:45.000 Oh, we're just supposed to not think about saving jobs?

00:28:49.000 About opening up the economy?

00:28:50.000 About allowing people to support themselves?

00:28:52.000 Who's going to pay rent in November if we're still shut down?

00:28:56.000 Oh, AOC hasn't.

00:28:56.000 Just don't pay rent.

00:28:58.000 Yeah, that's a great plan.

00:28:59.000 But what if I have a mortgage?

00:29:01.000 Just don't pay.

00:29:01.000 But what about the guy who needs you to pay so that he can pay?

00:29:03.000 Well, he doesn't have to pay.

00:29:04.000 Where does it go?

00:29:06.000 More debt from China?

00:29:07.000 You don't understand how this works.

00:29:09.000 You bug-eyed bug!

00:29:12.000 No, no, you know she knows.

00:29:13.000 That wet kachoo! 0.97

00:29:14.000 She knows.

00:29:16.000 Hey, A.O.

00:29:17.000 Pug definitely knows this is One Step Closer.

00:29:19.000 She reminds me of like a sort of milky brown version of Star Jones after she lost the weight and you're like, ooh, put it back on, put it back on.

00:29:30.000 That face wasn't built for that body.

00:29:31.000 Yeah, some people lose weight and they're looking great, like Bill with 12 pounds.

00:29:35.000 Bill looks good at any weight.

00:29:36.000 And then there's some people like Al Roker where they just look like they once upon a time were wearing a fat suit.

00:29:42.000 It's like an Edgar suit.

00:29:43.000 Yeah, like unzipped.

00:29:45.000 Hey, it's me, Val Kilmer.

00:29:46.000 What?

00:29:48.000 That's one for you, Al Roker.

00:29:51.000 So, what's happening in your neck of the woods?

00:29:53.000 Which neck?

00:29:55.000 As long as our healthcare systems are not overwhelmed, flattening the curve beyond what we have done, it's not going to save lives.

00:30:04.000 It's likely the same amount of people who will die during the total duration of the disease.

00:30:11.000 So, this begs the question.

00:30:11.000 Right?

00:30:11.000 That's important.

00:30:13.000 This is important, like you just brought up.

00:30:15.000 If hospitals are not overburdened, and if you're watching CNN you may not know this, objectively, they are not.

00:30:20.000 They've built new hospitals.

00:30:20.000 They're not.

00:30:22.000 I don't know that any single new hospital has had to be used.

00:30:25.000 I know that the vast majority of them, we reported on this in the morning, are empty and they're shutting them down.

00:30:29.000 I don't know if there's a single one.

00:30:31.000 There probably could be.

00:30:33.000 But I don't know.

00:30:34.000 Most hospitals, extra hospitals, are not being used at all.

00:30:37.000 The hospitals that we currently have are not at capacity or over capacity.

00:30:41.000 So it begs this question, if hospitals are not overburdened, which was the goal of flattening the curve, that means we've done it.

00:30:48.000 What is the goal of a continued indefinite shutdown?

00:30:51.000 You started this with, we've got to flatten the curve.

00:30:53.000 OK, we've done it.

00:30:55.000 And now you want to excoriate anyone who says, all right, we've done it.

00:30:58.000 Time to get back to work.

00:30:59.000 Why?

00:31:00.000 And I know I'm doing a little bit of a Jesse Ventura right now, who might join the Green We can party, which please?

00:31:06.000 I know I'm just asking questions, but I'll give you the answer, because they want this to drag on indefinitely.

00:31:12.000 Right now, if we start the economy back up and we get back to the best economy that we've ever had, guess what?

00:31:12.000 Here's the thing.

00:31:17.000 People are going to remember this in November.

00:31:19.000 Initially, they wanted you to remember this in November.

00:31:21.000 So do I. Now, they want you to still be in this come November, because there's no objective reason to try and flatten the curve when it's already been done.

00:31:30.000 There's no objective reason for an indefinite shutdown.

00:31:33.000 And by the way, Europe, many places in Europe, they're far more leftist.

00:31:37.000 They don't have conservatives.

00:31:38.000 No.

00:31:39.000 They have liberals and liberal separatists and communists.

00:31:41.000 And they're like, well, we're going to shut down our economy forever. 0.98

00:31:43.000 Well, that's ridiculous. 0.65

00:31:44.000 Yeah, that's a really terrible idea. 0.99

00:31:45.000 And this is a classic example. 0.99

00:31:46.000 Somewhere the Swedish chef is going verd to f**k. 0.99

00:31:51.000 Well, this is a classic example of the treatment killing the patient. 0.99

00:31:53.000 So the whole goal was to save the hospital system, essentially, right?

00:31:56.000 Don't overwhelm it so that it ends up collapsing, right?

00:31:59.000 Now what they've done is they've taken away the main source of income, which is elective procedures, and now hospitals are facing- Stop looking down!

00:32:05.000 Stop looking down at your notes!

00:32:07.000 I'm sorry!

00:32:07.000 It moved!

00:32:07.000 Something moved!

00:32:08.000 Because you're not supposed to be looking at- What's up with Gerald?

00:32:08.000 It moved!

00:32:10.000 Gerald writes a note down.

00:32:11.000 There are two words, and you're looking down like you can't remember what you're about to say.

00:32:17.000 Like a T-Rex.

00:32:19.000 Movement-based.

00:32:19.000 Gerald's notes, right?

00:32:21.000 We don't really use prompter here.

00:32:23.000 What we have are some notes that we just scribble and we put on an iPad.

00:32:25.000 Just to make sure we don't get it wrong.

00:32:26.000 Inside baseball, I make sure that everyone remembers their points.

00:32:28.000 They're color-coded. 0.97

00:32:30.000 I f***ed you without even meaning to! 0.98

00:32:32.000 Oh my gosh! 0.98

00:32:33.000 I just randomly hope that it is.

00:32:35.000 I didn't realize until just now that Gerald's points are color-coded.

00:32:40.000 It's okay, man. 0.99

00:32:42.000 And that's why you sound retarded sometimes. 0.98

00:32:46.000 I don't think they used to only be color. I swear to God they used to only be color-coded 0.64

00:32:50.000 And then I really like huh Gerald puts in like it's just a weird like if ever you could see this

00:32:53.000 Yeah, it says like clip B. Trevor Noah says that's all we're going there

00:32:56.000 But then I thought it was weird that it was blue my case of blue is Gerald's color, and then he started adding GM colon

00:33:02.000 He forgets his name, I just wow I feel horrible you should you sure I don't but I love you

00:33:13.000 now. I understand anyway, right no But the point is don't look down because the color won't

00:33:17.000 fade.

00:33:17.000 Something moved and I looked out.

00:33:20.000 I'm not a T-Rex!

00:33:22.000 I've made that joke five minutes ago!

00:33:23.000 These are your own sticky notes.

00:33:24.000 Alright, so back to the point was that we are going to do the same thing that we were trying to avoid in the first place and kill the economy at the same time.

00:33:30.000 Right.

00:33:30.000 And we're going to make the hospitals close down because they don't have enough money to keep the staff on anymore.

00:33:34.000 Yeah.

00:33:35.000 Right?

00:33:35.000 They have to open back up.

00:33:36.000 They absolutely have to or they will be gone.

00:33:38.000 Of course, they're saying they need to open back up now.

00:33:40.000 Like, we should start doing some, you know, like knee surgeries again.

00:33:42.000 Yeah, so our whole point to save the hospital is killing the hospital.

00:33:45.000 Yeah.

00:33:45.000 And the next point here that we have from Trevor Noah is he makes this claim, you hear this a whole bunch, this idea that people are out there, the more you protest, right, all of you protesters out there, I don't know, I can't do the accent.

00:33:56.000 It doesn't, I've known a lot of South Africans, they don't sound like him.

00:34:00.000 No.

00:34:00.000 It's hard to do **** accent.

00:34:03.000 You've got to add that layer of difficulty.

00:34:05.000 It's really more of a lilt.

00:34:07.000 It's hard.

00:34:08.000 You know, it's easy if you're doing, like, a Mickey Rooney breakfast at Tiffany's or something, like an old school Milton Berle, but just like, ah, how do I convey unfunny ****?

00:34:17.000 It's tough.

00:34:18.000 But with an international vibe.

00:34:20.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:34:21.000 I bet you he was probably raised in, like, Westmount.

00:34:24.000 I get it, guys.

00:34:26.000 So this is his point, that the more that you protest, right, the longer we're going to have to lock down.

00:34:32.000 All around the country, over the weekend, protests- Birthing sweater!

00:34:36.000 Demanding an immediate end to lockdowns.

00:34:39.000 And let's be honest, people, this is both insane and counterproductive.

00:34:43.000 Because the more you gather in groups, the longer the lockdown will have to go on.

00:34:47.000 Can you imagine if during the AIDS crisis, mobs of people gathered to gangbang that monkey that started it all? 0.99

00:34:53.000 What do we want? 1.00

00:34:54.000 Monkey sex! 1.00

00:34:55.000 When do we want it? 1.00

00:34:56.000 Now!

00:34:59.000 Okay.

00:34:59.000 The problem is I still have an injured foot, and it's going to be very difficult for me to finger with my toe the trigger to the shotgun in my mouth.

00:35:08.000 Yeah, it'll be difficult.

00:35:09.000 It is so painfully unfunny that my back hurts right now watching it.

00:35:14.000 A couple of reasons.

00:35:15.000 Let me give you why. 0.99

00:35:16.000 First off, it's 2009 YouTube crap.

00:35:19.000 Where someone is doing the whole, like, hey, and I, we used to do this back, like, Philip DeFranco would do it. 0.74

00:35:22.000 Like, you, you would kind of do a character, in his case, a straw man, right?

00:35:25.000 You'd do a character, maybe you'd put on, like, if you were Shane Dawson, you'd go on blackface by slapping pudding on your face to be Corbin Blue and then hope people forget about it.

00:35:33.000 But the point is, you would do that and then go back to commentary.

00:35:36.000 But the issue here is, uh, he's bad at it.

00:35:39.000 It's straw manning.

00:35:40.000 It's not funny.

00:35:40.000 And this is something we've talked about, uh, Court of Black Garrett.

00:35:43.000 He's not, he's not projecting to the audience.

00:35:45.000 He's playing to the room.

00:35:47.000 And so, we've had this... Yeah, remember when we were in green screens every time we've performed?

00:35:50.000 Sometimes we've been doing, like, Saving Private Ryan.

00:35:52.000 And people would be sitting there going, talking, hey, Captain, like this, whispering.

00:35:55.000 I'm going, listen, I know we're in a small room with a green screen, but picture yourself being on the battlefield.

00:36:00.000 So if Trevor Noah were a professional performer with any experience, let me explain to you why that's awkward.

00:36:04.000 Sure, he's unfunny to begin with, right?

00:36:07.000 But, what do we want?

00:36:09.000 No, that should be back off from the microphone, What do we want?

00:36:12.000 Yelling like you would be outside at a protest, give it some passion, then it doesn't feel so awkward with people wanting to punch you in the face. 0.75

00:36:18.000 And it's not because you're South African, it's just because you're bad at your job. 1.00

00:36:22.000 It remains unfunny, though, even if it's louder.

00:36:24.000 No, yeah, all of those things.

00:36:24.000 It would at least be done well.

00:36:25.000 At least it would have some enthusiasm.

00:36:27.000 Some commitment.

00:36:29.000 And here's the truth of the matter here is that, yeah, okay, obviously there have been some dumb protesters, but in a lot of these protests, people are staying in their cars with plenty of space in between, and I've seen people in their cars with masks, which we encouraged masks back when the CDC was saying don't wear masks, and actually I think that you should be wearing masks.

00:36:47.000 So protests when you're destroying public property, good. 0.87

00:36:51.000 Protest now, bad.

00:36:52.000 Yeah, protest now, bad. 0.99

00:36:53.000 And I will say, you should wear a mask, I think we should destigmatize masks in public, but if you're wearing a mask in your car, you're a p***y. So! 1.00

00:37:01.000 And an idiot. 1.00

00:37:01.000 Yeah, I love that too. 1.00

00:37:03.000 I saw a guy with a mask on, I swear to you, I drove up next to him, he had a mask, and he did everything wrong.

00:37:08.000 He grabbed it from the middle, grabbed it from the middle, pulled it down, and vaped.

00:37:14.000 Just doing my part!

00:37:18.000 It was the post.

00:37:19.000 It wasn't a vape so much as a crack rock.

00:37:24.000 But it's always remarkable to me.

00:37:25.000 No one talks about, I haven't seen this on many other shows or any other shows, we're talking about people being in their cars, for example, in a Lansing Cap.

00:37:32.000 Let's take even a more extreme example.

00:37:33.000 Some people on the beach who are maybe not exactly six feet apart out in the UV light with the salt water.

00:37:40.000 That's something that we need to be upset about.

00:37:41.000 People in parks who are distanced.

00:37:43.000 None of it compares to the people in New York who are in the subways every day.

00:37:48.000 They've never been closed.

00:37:49.000 They have never been closed.

00:37:52.000 Why aren't we b******g about that?

00:37:54.000 I understand this because when you live in a big city, you can't be independent.

00:37:58.000 You can't get in your car and drive anywhere.

00:38:00.000 I used to think New York was a living hell.

00:38:02.000 When I was there, because I had to get on the subway.

00:38:04.000 I was on the east side, where I had to take the green line.

00:38:06.000 And at that point, they were talking about how they were going to build another one, I think, on... Where were they going to build another one?

00:38:11.000 It might have been on 2nd.

00:38:12.000 They never did.

00:38:13.000 They never did.

00:38:14.000 It was a project that's been going on for 30 years.

00:38:15.000 I think they built it now.

00:38:16.000 And I would have three subways go by that were full, where I couldn't get on, so I had to wait for the next one in New York.

00:38:23.000 This is... I can't... Find me a place more contaminated than the L train.

00:38:29.000 Have you seen the Warriors?

00:38:29.000 Right.

00:38:33.000 Do you know how many COVID strains you've catched just bopping your way to Kony to avoid the baseball furies?

00:38:38.000 Okay.

00:38:41.000 Anyway, I just am amazed that no one's talking about the subways more, and I hate subways, so any chance I can dig at them?

00:38:46.000 Yeah, well, you should be able to, but that would be the only fair thing to do, right?

00:38:49.000 You have to have some kind of media coverage saying if somebody's in a car in Michigan, it's really just pointing out that they're doing it to people that they like.

00:38:55.000 Democrat governors are facing these protests.

00:38:57.000 That's what they're trying to protect against.

00:38:59.000 Uh, here's another claim that he made, and you've heard this quite a bit, and this is not new, but Trevor Noah makes it because he doesn't really have, he doesn't have a sense for originality.

00:39:06.000 He doesn't even enter into the equation that the protests are, of course, far-right and some are anti-Semitic or something.

00:39:12.000 Now, these protests have clearly been infused with a far-right ideology.

00:39:16.000 Clearly.

00:39:17.000 Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs, and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan's proud Southern heritage.

00:39:28.000 All right, that last one was a little funny, I'll give you that, but let's be really clear here.

00:39:31.000 The sign that said, Hail Whitmer, that's not anti-Semitic, it's comparing Governor Whitmer to Hitler, which I would not personally do.

00:39:40.000 They're trying to imply that her orders are fascist, you know, like they do with Trump all the time.

00:39:44.000 And most importantly, it's a pun that works.

00:39:47.000 You should take notes.

00:39:48.000 They should give you a weekend course, Trevor Noah.

00:39:53.000 He doesn't understand, like, hell with math.

00:39:54.000 Oh, is this, you support the SS? 1.00

00:39:57.000 No, he just likes jokes, you prick. 0.97

00:40:01.000 I do like it just completely unironically is talking about how comparing someone who engages in wrongful government tyranny as a bad person is somehow against the Jews. 0.97

00:40:14.000 Right.

00:40:16.000 But there's no correction.

00:40:17.000 But that is the thing.

00:40:18.000 He's not the only one.

00:40:19.000 He thought the quote was, first, they came to protect the Jews.

00:40:23.000 And then there was no one left to protect me.

00:40:24.000 That's not the quote.

00:40:25.000 The quote is, they came and you said nothing.

00:40:26.000 These people are saying something.

00:40:27.000 That's exactly what they're doing.

00:40:28.000 So bad.

00:40:29.000 No, that's a good point.

00:40:30.000 Obviously, I thought you were going to go the direction of South Africa, because government tyranny.

00:40:33.000 Well, there too, yeah.

00:40:34.000 That too.

00:40:36.000 But he's from Westmont, not really South Africa.

00:40:39.000 That's true.

00:40:39.000 I don't even know where Westmont is.

00:40:40.000 Westmont is an area in Montreal.

00:40:42.000 I just threw it out there.

00:40:43.000 I just used words.

00:40:44.000 It sounded nice.

00:40:44.000 And also, you may be new, and I know some people out there are saying, well, what about the swastika that I saw at these protests?

00:40:49.000 Yeah, well, it turns out that was actually an Antifa supporter pretending to be a Trump supporter, and it wasn't even a lockdown protest at all.

00:40:56.000 It was at a Bernie rally.

00:40:57.000 So there is that.

00:40:59.000 And it's pretty cheap to define a movement, even if any of these claims were true, which they're not, it's pretty cheap to define a movement by a few bad apples. 0.99

00:41:05.000 Every movement like this, every protest, every rally is going to potentially have an idiot that shows up. 1.00

00:41:09.000 And we can all point at them and say, yeah, they're idiots. 1.00

00:41:11.000 That doesn't mean that every other person that was there trying to make sure they can put food on the table should be lumped in with that person. 1.00

00:41:17.000 Right.

00:41:18.000 And that's exactly what he's doing with all of this.

00:41:19.000 Yeah, it's remarkable.

00:41:20.000 I mean, every job is essential to the people who rely on it to maintain a living.

00:41:25.000 It is remarkable to me.

00:41:27.000 Hey, let me ask you out there, folks who, you know, work.

00:41:31.000 Are there still those people out there?

00:41:34.000 Is it essential for you to, you know, make a living?

00:41:37.000 Yeah.

00:41:38.000 You tell me.

00:41:38.000 I don't know.

00:41:39.000 We'll put up a poll on Twitter.

00:41:41.000 We'll see what the answers are.

00:41:42.000 I have no idea.

00:41:43.000 We'll see if that's a normal part of life.

00:41:44.000 And I'm not going to lie, that poll will have incredibly redundant answers.

00:41:47.000 It will.

00:41:47.000 There's only one answer.

00:41:48.000 It's going to be pretty good.

00:41:49.000 By the way, if you haven't joined Mug Club yet, of course, please do.

00:41:51.000 Use the quarantine promo code.

00:41:53.000 Promo code quarantine.

00:41:54.000 You get $30 off.

00:41:55.000 That's why we're doing this.

00:41:56.000 Mug Club Quarantine Month at loudwithpedder.com.

00:41:58.000 Slash Mug Club.

00:41:59.000 And if you're subscribed on YouTube, you're not convinced to join Mug Club yet, just hit notification bell.

00:42:03.000 Hit all notifications so that that way you find out about our videos.

00:42:06.000 But you know what?

00:42:07.000 It's also not that hard.

00:42:08.000 Weeknights, every night at 8.

00:42:09.000 Right.

00:42:10.000 There you go.

00:42:10.000 Good morning Mug Club.

00:42:11.000 One more week.

00:42:12.000 Congratulations.

00:42:12.000 I saved you the horror of having to click!

00:42:19.000 Damn you, Amazon! 1.00

00:42:21.000 Making a slice. 1.00

00:42:22.000 I'm sorry.

00:42:23.000 I'm angry today because I had to spend all morning watching Trevor Noah.

00:42:27.000 What were you about to say?

00:42:28.000 I was going to say podcast.

00:42:29.000 I've actually been listening to podcasts a lot more.

00:42:31.000 So for the episodes that I'm not on, I listen to it.

00:42:34.000 So I'm out there while I'm being forced to do work.

00:42:37.000 If you don't want to see my face, podcast is a good way to go.

00:42:40.000 Yeah.

00:42:40.000 Gerald, did you hear that?

00:42:41.000 I actually listened to the show.

00:42:42.000 Oh, is that required on the job?

00:42:44.000 Yeah, because he walks in and he's like, so what are we talking about today?

00:42:46.000 Ha ha ha, OK.

00:42:48.000 Prep?

00:42:49.000 What's that?

00:42:49.000 Here's another claim that he makes from Trevor Noah is that reopening the economy is anti-science.

00:42:55.000 Why?

00:42:56.000 Because something, something, something, unfunny something, Dr. Fauci.

00:43:00.000 You see, after Dr. Fauci appeared on the network and made the case for continuing the shutdowns, Fox News decided to get a second opinion from the doctor.

00:43:07.000 It's like a Malcolm in the Middle transition.

00:43:09.000 Everyone can trust.

00:43:11.000 Talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw appearing on Fox News blasting the government's response appearing to downplay the pandemic.

00:43:18.000 Okay, uh, listen.

00:43:20.000 Dr. Phil is not the voice of these protesters.

00:43:24.000 Far be it from me to defend Dr. Phil.

00:43:27.000 That being said, And this is why they don't run the press briefings.

00:43:31.000 This is why we did the press briefing live stream, and we will do it next Thursday.

00:43:34.000 Donald Trump's plan for reopening the economy, it's been created, developed very carefully with a team of doctors, pretending that it's just, all right, open forth the floodgates.

00:43:44.000 That's not what he's planning.

00:43:45.000 You're talking about a multi-phase system that still involves mainly social distancing and protecting our most vulnerable all the way until phase three.

00:43:53.000 If I'm not mistaken, they're going to be adding more phases, which is a little bit ridiculous to me.

00:43:57.000 Not that we shouldn't have phases, but we don't need 4, 5, and 6.

00:44:00.000 Go 17.

00:44:00.000 Then it becomes, then it just becomes, you know, like the Leprechaun series.

00:44:03.000 And you end up, what the f- Leprechaun in space?

00:44:05.000 Leprechaun's going to- Doesn't even matter.

00:44:07.000 Leprechaun in Harlem?

00:44:07.000 Doesn't even work.

00:44:08.000 This doesn't even work!

00:44:09.000 He would never go to Harlem.

00:44:10.000 He'd go to space. 0.99

00:44:10.000 And all the black people would scatter! 0.99

00:44:11.000 They're terrified of that stuff! 1.00

00:44:12.000 Yeah.

00:44:13.000 I mean, you've never seen David Blaine's street magic?

00:44:18.000 You know what is crazy about all this?

00:44:20.000 Is we're not shut down right now.

00:44:22.000 And I mean the whole country.

00:44:23.000 I mean there's not a single jurisdiction in the United States, city, county, or otherwise, that is completely shut down.

00:44:29.000 Every one of them are already in a staged opening in the sense that there are certain businesses, and whether you call them essential or not, but pet stores are open.

00:44:38.000 Why?

00:44:38.000 Because you got to go to the business.

00:44:40.000 You got to be able to get food for your pets.

00:44:41.000 I understand that.

00:44:42.000 There are a number of different businesses that are still operating.

00:44:44.000 So what we're talking about is it changed by degree.

00:44:46.000 So everyone who goes, If we open a single business, the whole America will die.

00:44:51.000 Right.

00:44:52.000 Doesn't make any sense.

00:44:52.000 We're already open right now.

00:44:54.000 So all we're talking about is making this change by degree, whether we need to do two phases or four phases or we need to approach it.

00:44:59.000 I mean, the thing you've talked about before, since the very beginning of this was, can we do some kind of spot quarantine?

00:45:05.000 Can we do this in a way that minimizes the amount of closure as opposed to just this blanket close?

00:45:11.000 And wait, we're doing it already and we're going to open it safely.

00:45:14.000 Quarantine old people, sick people, the most vulnerable, since that makes up 95% of the deaths, and then allow everyone else to not be thrust into a third-world economy. 1.00

00:45:24.000 Seems to me to be reasonable, that's what we're suggesting.

00:45:27.000 I guarantee you, anyone out there, if they're complaining, if you see people on Facebook, anyone out there, this is your job, okay?

00:45:33.000 People complaining about the reopening, show them, send them the link to the actual plan, the three-phase plan of reopening.

00:45:40.000 No one, No one will have a problem with it.

00:45:42.000 And by the way, if they ever shut down Quick Trip, I'm dead.

00:45:47.000 My diet is nothing but neurobliss and taquitos.

00:45:49.000 That is the hill that you would die on, isn't it?

00:45:51.000 You would break into the Quick Trip to get your stuff.

00:45:55.000 Real quick, you made a great point, that phase plan.

00:45:57.000 Go out there and look at it.

00:45:58.000 I guarantee there's people watching right now that have no idea it even exists because no one is covering it in the media.

00:46:03.000 It is a phased approach where you can go, all right, is phase one going okay?

00:46:06.000 Are we spiking our numbers?

00:46:08.000 No.

00:46:08.000 Let's go to phase two.

00:46:09.000 That is the most reasonable thing to possibly do.

00:46:11.000 I gotta say, I'm just so disappointed in so many of these conservative hosts out there who have gone along with it because, listen, we're not right about everything, but when it comes to this, compared to any, we've been right about a lot.

00:46:22.000 We've taken a very balanced approach, and guess what?

00:46:24.000 When you're the only one who's right, you get no credit for it.

00:46:27.000 Because no one else wants to highlight how wrong they are.

00:46:29.000 You have to lay off half of Fox News.

00:46:33.000 Go back! 0.55

00:46:34.000 Go back and watch it!

00:46:35.000 Just watch the show.

00:46:36.000 The people arguing that we should stay closed are the people who are, most of the time, affected the least by it.

00:46:40.000 So we should take note of that.

00:46:42.000 The people who have the least skin in the game are the ones who are saying, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, stay closed and see how long we can run with this chicken, you know, how this chicken can run without its head.

00:46:50.000 Yeah.

00:46:52.000 I thought you were going to mix metaphors.

00:46:53.000 I think you kind of trailed off and you were like, which metaphor am I, what?

00:46:56.000 Why'd I stop?

00:46:58.000 Mattie! 0.88

00:46:59.000 He's going to spell you, Mattie!

00:47:00.000 Get out of there! 0.65

00:47:00.000 Want to talk about the disaster of 1917, no wait, 16, 18? 0.65

00:47:04.000 He's going the wrong way.

00:47:07.000 No, I appreciate that.

00:47:08.000 That's a good point.

00:47:08.000 Like AOC.

00:47:09.000 They're just like, ah, just don't show up to work!

00:47:10.000 That's what AOC says.

00:47:11.000 Really?

00:47:12.000 Terrible idea. 1.00

00:47:13.000 Well, you say that after you get primaried, you crazy broad. 0.98

00:47:17.000 I would love for her not to show up to work. 0.99

00:47:19.000 I do have to agree with her on that point.

00:47:20.000 Everyone has a choice.

00:47:21.000 But what you're doing is you're taking away everyone else's choice.

00:47:23.000 You're telling them that you don't know how to exercise the kind of precautions that are important.

00:47:29.000 And what's really emblematic of this from everything else is it's the kind of paternalistic You can't be trusted to do something correct.

00:47:37.000 When you talk about guns, you talk about raising a family, you talk about all of these different things, it comes down to can you be trusted as an individual to mostly make the right decision and have an agency to do it on your own?

00:47:47.000 Or do you need the government to dictate every step you can take, every move you make?

00:47:52.000 And don't be confused by the fact that Don't be misled by me giving away $1,200 to a truck driver who's a fan of the show.

00:47:59.000 If you choose to not show up to the work, you'll be fired immediately.

00:48:02.000 That's right.

00:48:03.000 I'm here.

00:48:04.000 No apologies.

00:48:04.000 Unprepared.

00:48:05.000 I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

00:48:07.000 Phil's like, you can talk to me, HR.

00:48:09.000 Here's also, by the way, what we're talking about Fauci, as Trevor Noah was, he said that we could reopen the economy soon.

00:48:14.000 This isn't like it's foreign to him.

00:48:16.000 The U.S.

00:48:16.000 economy may be able to start reopening as early as next month.

00:48:21.000 That's according to Dr. Anthony Fauci.

00:48:23.000 The nation's top infectious disease expert told CNN the economy could gradually reopen in various parts of the country depending on the status of the pandemic, widespread testing availability, and sharp declines of people who are seriously ill.

00:48:39.000 We are hoping that at the end of the month we could look around and say, okay, is there any element here that we can safely and cautiously start pulling back on?

00:48:50.000 If so, do it.

00:48:52.000 If not, then just continue to hunker down.

00:48:56.000 Straight from the freshly shaven Geppetto's mouth. 1.00

00:48:59.000 And by the way, he's not the only doctor in the world.

00:49:01.000 For some reason, this is the left that just want to cling to Dr. Fauci.

00:49:04.000 Dr. Birx, Dr. Birx.

00:49:07.000 Wow.

00:49:09.000 Cutie and Dr. Birx.

00:49:11.000 Fetching lady who is, I don't want to say old, but older than me. 0.50

00:49:13.000 Right.

00:49:14.000 Beautiful woman come in all shapes and sizes. 1.00

00:49:16.000 And ages.

00:49:17.000 Primarily a Dr. Birx shape.

00:49:20.000 Legal ages. 0.56

00:49:21.000 She's been very clear.

00:49:26.000 Dr. Birx, I can be your Joe Biden.

00:49:28.000 You can be my Scratch and Sniff.

00:49:29.000 That's all I'm saying.

00:49:30.000 Wow.

00:49:32.000 That's racy.

00:49:32.000 Be my Shirley Temple.

00:49:35.000 Show Dr. Birx.

00:49:36.000 We have told people very clearly and the president guidelines made it very clear about the expectations of phase one.

00:49:44.000 And remember phase one also included social distancing in restaurants, social distancing In every place that was entertainment and keeping your own individual social groups to less than 10.

00:49:55.000 I mean we've been very clear in the guidelines and I think it's up to the governors and mayors to ensure that they're following the best they can each of those phases to make sure that both the public is completely protected.

00:50:10.000 Really?

00:50:13.000 She's talking, again, about a scale.

00:50:16.000 Let me give you an analogy.

00:50:17.000 Let's say that you have the flu.

00:50:20.000 And this is important to note because you can't only listen to doctor's advice.

00:50:24.000 You have to listen to economists.

00:50:25.000 You have to listen to people in the country, people who are truckers, people who run small businesses, people who work in maybe what you determine to be non-essential services.

00:50:32.000 There has to be a collective discussion.

00:50:35.000 So let's say that you have the flu, just a really bad flu some year.

00:50:40.000 But you're also about to go through a big business merger, a busy season for you with clients typically in the fall, right?

00:50:44.000 Right.

00:50:45.000 And you have a huge meeting on Monday that can determine the rest of the year for your business.

00:50:49.000 You absolutely, positively cannot miss.

00:50:52.000 Do you ask your doctor whether you can attend that meeting on Monday?

00:50:55.000 You know he's going to say no.

00:50:56.000 Right.

00:50:57.000 You absolutely know.

00:50:57.000 The voice of one doctor is not the only voice.

00:51:02.000 It can't be the only voice.

00:51:03.000 And that's the danger with the logical fallacy of appealing to authority.

00:51:07.000 It's, well, Dr. Fauci, well, I can find another doctor.

00:51:09.000 Well, and they're trying to say something, too.

00:51:10.000 I don't know if you saw it in the bottom section there.

00:51:13.000 I always mispronounce it, so I'm not going to pronounce it this time.

00:51:15.000 If it was on screen while Dr. Brooks was talking, I would not see anything.

00:51:19.000 When we came back, you were like the cartoon character with, like, heart eyes.

00:51:22.000 I only have eyes and sinuses for her. 1.00

00:51:25.000 Right.

00:51:25.000 Well, they said it's requirements.

00:51:28.000 They're not requirements.

00:51:28.000 They're guidelines.

00:51:29.000 Yeah.

00:51:30.000 Okay.

00:51:30.000 So you can't push people into this category of, like, not doing what is required.

00:51:34.000 These are guidelines for your community.

00:51:35.000 You say tomato, I say fascism.

00:51:38.000 So, here's another clip from Trevor Noah where this is another implication that they're making on the left.

00:51:42.000 You can see this on any mainstream website or Reddit politics.

00:51:45.000 Oh my gosh, I would just love to see a coup against, not hurting anybody at Reddit politics, but conservatives to migrate there and just make the voices heard because it is amazing.

00:51:52.000 Yeah, that's a horrible place.

00:51:54.000 It makes me want to, again, tow the shotgun trigger just because I know it's more effective than a 9mm.

00:51:59.000 And we're all about efficiency here.

00:52:05.000 A little worried, Bill. 1.00

00:52:05.000 The implications of protesters are all conspiracy theorists, morons, and, of course, a Darwin award they deserve to be wiped out by COVID. 1.00

00:52:13.000 Now, it would be a lot easier to not take these protests seriously if they were just being fueled by Fox News and internet conspiracy theories. 1.00

00:52:20.000 The problem is that all of these morons also have the support of the moron-in-chief. 0.99

00:52:25.000 Well, luckily for us, Sir David Attenborough has agreed to study these strange life forms to help the rest of us understand. 0.99

00:52:34.000 And here we see natural selection in its purest form. 0.99

00:52:38.000 A group of morons crowded together, spitting in each other's faces as they demand the right to get a haircut. 1.00

00:52:45.000 Even for the coronavirus, this is too easy. 1.00

00:52:48.000 Alright, here's the thing.

00:52:51.000 I like that one.

00:52:52.000 There's an insurance concern, so when I'm not looking, can someone stick a razor blade in my lunch?

00:52:57.000 Yeah.

00:52:58.000 Sure.

00:52:58.000 Will that do the trick?

00:52:59.000 Thank you.

00:52:59.000 Or will that just irritate you?

00:53:01.000 Well, I don't know.

00:53:02.000 No.

00:53:02.000 Hopefully.

00:53:03.000 Do whatever it takes.

00:53:04.000 I'm looking the other direction.

00:53:05.000 Alright, alright.

00:53:06.000 We'll have to up it up.

00:53:07.000 Here's the thing.

00:53:08.000 We have Senator Ted Cruz coming up after this.

00:53:12.000 First off, this shows you what he thinks of everyday Americans, right? 1.00

00:53:15.000 The morons, moron in chief, and it also shows you what he thinks of his Attenborough impression. 1.00

00:53:18.000 For God's sake, man! 1.00

00:53:20.000 That was bad.

00:53:21.000 There are so many reasons that I can't stand Trevor Noah, and of course it combines the elitism, the smugness, and he, by the way, he's probably the least familiar with flyover country because he just flew to New York, to Los Angeles.

00:53:32.000 Why would he ever be in Grand Rapids, Michigan?

00:53:34.000 Why would he ever be in El Paso, Texas?

00:53:36.000 He has no exposure to that, so this is not a guy who should be speaking to the average everyday American.

00:53:40.000 Good thing is, look at his ratings.

00:53:41.000 He's not.

00:53:44.000 There are unfunny moments for some people.

00:53:47.000 For example, Stephen Colbert I don't think is always funny, but he comes by it honestly.

00:53:50.000 The Colbert Report was very funny when he used to do it.

00:53:52.000 If you look at Jimmy Kimmel, I don't think he's always very funny, but he comes by it honestly.

00:53:55.000 The Man Show was funny when he was there with Adam Carolla.

00:53:57.000 If you look at David Letterman, you look at Conan O'Brien.

00:53:59.000 All of these people at some point, even though I don't really like Jimmy Fallon, I understand that college kids really liked his impressions musically.

00:54:05.000 He's gifted.

00:54:05.000 I understand it.

00:54:07.000 But not All people. 0.97

00:54:09.000 Trevor Noah, it's like he was hit by an unfunny howitzer.

00:54:13.000 It is remarkable to me.

00:54:15.000 Only Trevor Noah and Samantha Bee. 0.98

00:54:17.000 They're smug, they hate you, but more importantly, when they talk about Americans wanting to go back to work, and they call them morons, while you subsequently take a check for a job that you do not do. 0.98

00:54:30.000 As a comedian, you don't do your job. 0.97

00:54:32.000 Trevor Noah is everything wrong with late night, he's everything wrong with politics, and he's everything wrong with this sort of pre-packaged... You know when they used to call bands like sellouts?

00:54:42.000 Unfortunately, like Green Day, they committed this unbelievable, unforgivable sin of having an album that was successful. 0.94

00:54:48.000 And I don't like them, I think they're douchebags, but the point is that that's really ridiculous, you're a sellout.

00:54:52.000 That being said, Trevor Noah, he is the pre-packaged corporate comedy that they're trying to thrust upon the American public that people don't want because they don't think that he's going to tip over any carts. 0.97

00:55:03.000 Think about this for a second.

00:55:04.000 You look at the Daily... This is why it bothers me.

00:55:07.000 He is the least qualified person for that job.

00:55:10.000 He is a diversity hire, if you look at the Daily Show.

00:55:13.000 It is just a who's who of some of the best comedic actors and comedians of our time.

00:55:17.000 We have Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, Rob Riggle, Rob Corddry.

00:55:22.000 Who else do we have?

00:55:23.000 Ed Helms.

00:55:23.000 Ed Helms, that's right.

00:55:25.000 It's a who's who's list.

00:55:26.000 And then you have Samantha Bee and Trevor Noah, and they are the only ones to get their own shows.

00:55:33.000 And you, again, when taking scale into account, don't watch them.

00:55:38.000 It's everything wrong with the entertainment industry, and more importantly, he's wrong.

00:55:43.000 Your Honor, the South African defense is wrong.

00:55:47.000 We'll be back with Trevor Noah.

00:55:49.000 Not Trevor Noah.

00:55:50.000 No!

00:55:50.000 Make sure he's still on the line.

00:55:52.000 Not a dark horse being prayed, not a good being prayed.

00:56:04.000 It's morning and Wade decided to come in and dress up.

00:56:06.000 We're gonna show you today one of my favorite methods, the AeroPress.

00:56:11.000 The reason this is so great is you kinda get a middle ground between drip coffee and espresso, not really because it's filtered, but you can make a coffee concentrate.

00:56:19.000 So first step, I'm just gonna put the paper filter in here, put it on the mug, and the reason I'm doing this, you don't have to, is just to preheat the vessel and the mug.

00:56:27.000 I'm gonna grind about 25 grams of coffee.

00:56:33.000 On the dot, this grinder has a built-in scale, so I don't need to weigh it.

00:56:36.000 So, this is really simple with the AeroPress.

00:56:38.000 So, what am I going to do?

00:56:39.000 There are different recipes.

00:56:39.000 What I like to do is fill it up to about the number 2 or number 3 mark.

00:56:43.000 Do what you like.

00:56:44.000 It's pretty tough to make a crappy cup of coffee, especially if you're using the right temperature and beans that are freshly roasted, which, of course, you get at BlackRifle.com slash Crowder.

00:56:55.000 20% off with a promo code Crowder.

00:56:57.000 When you're using an AeroPress, is that a different grind size, maybe from other...?

00:57:01.000 You can do really fine sizes if you want to do a short brew time, or you can do really coarse and let it sit.

00:57:06.000 Here's kind of a tip with this, if you want a stronger brew, you want it to brew longer, you put that in, and just like a straw, you pull up a little bit, that creates a suction.

00:57:13.000 So right now, that'll brew for as long as I want it to brew.

00:57:15.000 You don't need to brew it for that long, though, because, again, I'm going to press down gently to create pressure, which extracts, of course, along with heat, all of the compounds of the coffee.

00:57:25.000 So, a gentle press.

00:57:25.000 You kind of just use your body weight.

00:57:27.000 Now, you hear that?

00:57:28.000 Once you start hearing the hissing, you stop.

00:57:31.000 Some people use a trash can.

00:57:33.000 I have an assistant.

00:57:36.000 Now see, this is kind of a concentrate there.

00:57:37.000 What most people do if you want a big cup of coffee, you just do what they call bypass, which is I add water to it to make the size of a cup of coffee that I want.

00:57:44.000 Really easy, probably my favorite method for making coffee at home.

00:57:48.000 So that floats your boat.

00:57:52.000 Got anything that's like 8 o'clock?

00:57:54.000 Something like that?

00:57:56.000 ...

00:58:04.000 Enter in promo code Crowder, you get 20% off.

00:58:06.000 And it's important, by the way, to note that they've donated, I think, over 20,000 bags of coffee with their Buy a Bag, Give a Bag campaign.

00:58:13.000 A veteran-owned.

00:58:14.000 It is a lot of coffee.

00:58:16.000 And they also just launched a new brand of canned coffee that you can kind of add to your, you can get it online.

00:58:22.000 200 milligrams of caffeine per can.

00:58:23.000 It's coming from natural coffee.

00:58:25.000 It has protein in it.

00:58:26.000 I haven't had any.

00:58:27.000 They haven't sent me any, but I hope you enjoy it.

00:58:29.000 BlackRifleCoffee.com slash Crowder. 0.94

00:58:31.000 They have the balls to sponsor the show. 1.00

00:58:32.000 And if you drink coffee, just drink better coffee from a company who gives a rat's ass. 1.00

00:58:54.000 Hey guys, Whistleblower again. 0.99

00:58:55.000 Over the past few weeks, late night hosts have all had to quarantine and do their shows from home.

00:58:59.000 This is a very noble thing to do in a time of public health crisis such as... Hold on.

00:59:05.000 Let's zoom in on that.

00:59:07.000 More.

00:59:09.000 Just as I thought.

00:59:10.000 It's the same wall.

00:59:13.000 They thought we wouldn't notice, but this smoking gun tipped me off.

00:59:16.000 It will disappear.

00:59:17.000 We remember that!

00:59:19.000 We're not goldfish! 0.93

00:59:20.000 Well, Trump has the memory of a goldfish who smokes weed.

00:59:23.000 Do they really expect us to believe that with multi-million dollar budgets and hundreds of writers that they're just this unoriginal?

00:59:30.000 They haven't been quarantined at all.

00:59:30.000 No.

00:59:32.000 They've been forming a secret cabal aimed to destroy late-night comedy with terrible writing and apathetic production value, and they hold all their meetings in a rented bedroom of the Mark Twain house.

00:59:42.000 Thanks for watching, guys.

00:59:43.000 I'm just gonna plug my GoFundMe here again.

00:59:47.000 I just signed the lease on a new apartment after getting that MCN deal, but it turned out to be a bit of a scam.

00:59:55.000 I lost my whole life savings.

00:59:58.000 That's a blower house. 0.93

01:00:00.000 That was me doing the, like I said, the orchestra pit.

01:00:17.000 I went to a symphony this Christmas.

01:00:20.000 I think he's making it up.

01:00:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:21.000 I don't believe him for a second.

01:00:23.000 Someone's like, oh, that's a G. I meant F. Don't believe it.

01:00:27.000 It's an art.

01:00:28.000 You just don't understand it.

01:00:29.000 Yeah, you know, kind of like most postmodern art, only I guess it's not postmodern.

01:00:33.000 All right, speaking of classics, our next guest, but I am tired.

01:00:39.000 You can follow him on the Twitter at Ted Cruz.

01:00:42.000 Of course, he's a senator.

01:00:43.000 I know he hosts a podcast now.

01:00:46.000 Is it called The Verdict or something with Ted Cruz?

01:00:49.000 Senator Cruz, you ventured into the podcast space.

01:00:52.000 Well, Steven, I'm doing what I can to compete in your arena, and I gotta say though, when you open your show with those dance moves, nobody told me dancing would be involved in this.

01:01:05.000 You may have some natural advantages over me in that arena.

01:01:08.000 I do.

01:01:09.000 Namely, a lack of self-respect.

01:01:10.000 But this isn't a podcast.

01:01:12.000 This is a late-night show.

01:01:14.000 And I will say, every Tom, Dick, and Harry has a podcast.

01:01:16.000 So how are you going to differentiate yourself, aside from obviously being a sitting senator and the wonderful beard?

01:01:22.000 Yes, it's very great.

01:01:24.000 When we launched it, we launched Verdict during impeachment, and we did it every night.

01:01:30.000 Right after the trial, we'd go and film it live, and it, you know, it never existed.

01:01:34.000 I remember my team, and the first day we went on, we said, all right, what would be success?

01:01:37.000 And we were saying, well, if we can get into the top 100, that would be great.

01:01:42.000 We ended up skyrocketing to being the number one ranked podcast in the world.

01:01:47.000 And we have had enormous enthusiasm, people signing up both for the podcast download,

01:01:56.000 but also on YouTube.

01:01:57.000 You know, I know YouTube, you and YouTube have gone round and round, and I've engaged

01:02:00.000 in those battles.

01:02:03.000 But they haven't as of yet banned my podcast from YouTube, so I may not be doing it right,

01:02:10.000 I may ask for some of your advice on that.

01:02:12.000 No, they just fact-check you by redirecting folks to Nancy Pelosi.

01:02:12.000 Right.

01:02:15.000 So that's what... And I don't know if in your podcast, if you act like an idiot. 1.00

01:02:19.000 Like, I just spilled water on my shirt and on my computer. 0.99

01:02:22.000 Yeah, we're gonna have to replace all that over there.

01:02:24.000 And Senator Cruz, you guys couldn't see me.

01:02:25.000 Senator Cruz was playing it off like a gentleman. 1.00

01:02:27.000 He didn't point out, like, are you an idiot? 1.00

01:02:29.000 Did you just spill water on your shirt, you moron? 1.00

01:02:29.000 Are you a simpleton? 1.00

01:02:32.000 I'm a sitting senator!

01:02:34.000 Um, so, there's, well, I'm glad to hear that you are doing well.

01:02:37.000 We need more people out there.

01:02:38.000 As far as YouTube, you know, it's not so much a give and take.

01:02:41.000 It's really more like, um, like Ali Chuck Wepner.

01:02:43.000 I just, I take pride in making it to the 14th round, and then, of course, they'll ban me.

01:02:47.000 Um, speaking of, before we move on, you were just talking about, those are AirPods that you're wearing right now, but they're not the AirPod Pros.

01:02:53.000 You said you don't like those for some weird reason?

01:02:55.000 Yeah, so it's the bottom-of-the-line version of the AirPod, so it's the cheapest one.

01:03:02.000 And out of the AirPod Pros, to be honest, I haven't tried them, but I didn't like how they look like they stick deep in your ear, and I sort of like how these ones fit.

01:03:10.000 I'm comfortable with these, and so I didn't really want to jam the things deep in my ear, and these work fine.

01:03:15.000 You make that sound far less pleasant than it is.

01:03:18.000 It's not that big of an ordeal.

01:03:20.000 But that being said, those don't fit in my ear.

01:03:22.000 The original ones, they would just fall out.

01:03:23.000 I have huge ears.

01:03:24.000 And then the new AirPod Pros, they come with three different sizes, and they do like an air suction test, where it tells you you have the right size.

01:03:31.000 I tried the biggest size, and it just said, what's wrong with you?

01:03:35.000 Maybe you should go to 23andMe and see what's wrong with your genetic lineage, because my ear canals are so big, nothing fits.

01:03:45.000 All right, so listen, Senator Cruz, I'm glad that you're wearing the standard ones.

01:03:48.000 We don't want to hear about any hearing damage.

01:03:51.000 What is going on right now with China?

01:03:56.000 I'm not a big fan of what's been going on with this whole pandemic and the World Health Organization, and I know you've been outspoken with this.

01:04:03.000 Seems like more people now are coming around for the longest time.

01:04:05.000 We were kind of the lone voice in the wilderness.

01:04:09.000 What do people need to know, and how should the American government take... what stance should they be taking right now?

01:04:15.000 Well, listen, China is a bad player. 1.00

01:04:17.000 The communist government of China has been responsible for millions of deaths, murders, tortures.

01:04:23.000 They have over a million of their own citizens, Uyghurs, in concentration camps right now.

01:04:28.000 They engage in censorship, surveillance, oppression.

01:04:33.000 They engage in global espionage.

01:04:36.000 For a long time, I had been Advocating that the position that China is the single greatest geopolitical threat to the United States over the next century.

01:04:47.000 They are investing massively, billions in their military, and they rely on intellectual property theft as a strategy from the government.

01:04:57.000 In the history of mankind, that has never happened.

01:04:59.000 We've had thieves, we've had pirates, but never a nation-state with trillions of dollars of resources Investing in stealing, stealing military hardware, stealing commercial hardware, stealing medical innovations.

01:05:12.000 Yep.

01:05:13.000 And you know, we just saw the consequences.

01:05:17.000 of their censorship regime.

01:05:18.000 We've always thought of their censorship as a human rights issue, but the cover-up that they engaged in with this coronavirus outbreak illustrates that their censorship is not just a human rights issue, it is a national security issue and a global health issue, because in a very real sense, China bears responsibility for the over 170,000 people who have died due to COVID-19 and the trillions of dollars of economic value that's been destroyed.

01:05:45.000 I think it's a very good way to put it.

01:05:46.000 It's very important that people realize, as a basis of how they do commerce, intellectual property theft.

01:05:52.000 And, you know, as a libertarian, you can get into sort of this idea of intellectual property sometimes violates real property rights, where if I say, hold on, a ham sandwich, and I coin it, and it's like, well, I have ham and bread.

01:06:00.000 I can't put it into a ham sandwich.

01:06:02.000 That being said, with China, you know, my wife used to run, she was a VP of a contract furniture company. 1.00

01:06:06.000 at a big expo called NeuCon in Chicago every year.

01:06:09.000 She was assigned for two years as she was working her way up just to make sure that

01:06:13.000 specifically people from Chinese companies and vendors didn't come in and take pictures

01:06:17.000 of their chairs to rip them off because they would do all of this work. 0.97

01:06:21.000 They would have them tested up.

01:06:22.000 This is tested up to like 700 pounds.

01:06:24.000 And initially I told that story, and people said, that's racist.

01:06:26.000 She said, no, no, it's not.

01:06:28.000 They don't think it's wrong.

01:06:29.000 She said, you have to explain to them, no, no, no, you can't do this.

01:06:31.000 And sometimes people were very surprised.

01:06:33.000 Apply that to a global health pandemic or apply that to, and even more unfortunate,

01:06:38.000 God, you know, YouTube and Google with Dragonfly, they're creating a search engine to kowtow

01:06:42.000 to these people.

01:06:43.000 It sends shivers down my spine.

01:06:45.000 Look, big tech.

01:06:47.000 And much of big business in America and much of the mainstream media in America, they're terrified of China.

01:06:53.000 Because China represents big bucks.

01:06:56.000 It represents dollars.

01:06:57.000 They want access to the Chinese market.

01:06:59.000 You know, just yesterday, YouTube announced that they were going to pull down anything on their site that was contrary to the recommendations of the World Health Organization.

01:07:09.000 The World Health Organization is a Chinese puppet that has echoed The communist propaganda from China in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic in January, late January, the World Health Organization tweeted out that there's no evidence of human-to-human transmission of the coronavirus and China's doing a great job dealing with it right at the time China was covering it up and hiding it and helping contribute to this global pandemic. 0.79

01:07:39.000 The willingness to sell out for the almighty dollar I think is really, really dangerous.

01:07:46.000 When it comes to China, they use their economic might.

01:07:50.000 Hollywood is terrified of them, so Hollywood censors them out of movies.

01:07:54.000 Yeah, they changed Red Dawn from... what did they change it from?

01:07:54.000 Right?

01:07:57.000 China to Korea, which wasn't really believable.

01:07:59.000 Like, come on! 0.75

01:08:00.000 Speaking of Chinese... Puppet-looking! 1.00

01:08:03.000 I know North Korean, not Chinese, but you know, come on, the guy looks like a puppet. 0.96

01:08:06.000 Let's be honest, when people saw Team America, if you flip through the channels really quickly, you're tired in your hotel room and it's on HBO, you think it's a biopic!

01:08:14.000 Team America is one of the greatest movies ever made.

01:08:18.000 It absolutely is.

01:08:20.000 They managed to piss everybody off on the right and left, and I was going, none of you guys get this.

01:08:26.000 It makes fun of everybody.

01:08:28.000 And look, it makes fun of conservatives.

01:08:29.000 I can deal with that.

01:08:30.000 If you're laughing, it makes fun of everybody.

01:08:33.000 I will say, though, every third word is a profanity.

01:08:37.000 And Heidi and I made the mistake of bringing a Team America DVD on vacation with her parents, and I sort of was forgetting, thinking it was a little more family-friendly.

01:08:47.000 I would just say the look from your mother-in-law when you're playing 52nd F-Bomb You're being very, by the way, generous in saying F-bombs. 0.89

01:08:57.000 it off. Yeah, never mind. How do you forget that? That makes me question, are you going

01:08:57.000 No, no, no.

01:09:01.000 the way of Biden? I mean, that's not even a short-term memory thing. And you're being

01:09:05.000 very, by the way, generous in saying F-bombs. No, no, no.

01:09:08.000 It's that it's used as a descriptor.

01:09:10.000 Well, it's, um, hey, hey, freedom isn't free. It's a buck oh five.

01:09:18.000 Yes, sir.

01:09:18.000 Yes, it is.

01:09:19.000 Yes, sir.

01:09:20.000 And I think you just gained more fans with that than all of your number one podcasts combined.

01:09:26.000 People now say, oh, Ted Cruz, Senator Ted Cruz gets it.

01:09:29.000 Let me ask you this with China.

01:09:31.000 I talked about this, so we've been covering this for a very long time.

01:09:34.000 And I will say this, I never walked it back.

01:09:36.000 I thought early on, I said, listen, this could get bad.

01:09:38.000 I don't think it's as bad as people are making it out to be.

01:09:40.000 I see a lot of people walking some of their doomsday predictions back.

01:09:43.000 But we always focused on China.

01:09:45.000 When we ran the video of the WHO representative who flat out denied or flat out refused to answer the question regarding Taiwan and then hung up the Skype call, it maybe had a few hundred plays at that point.

01:09:55.000 Nobody else was covering it.

01:09:56.000 Of course, YouTube redirected it to something else.

01:09:58.000 Learn more about COVID-19.

01:10:00.000 It is remarkable to me where these, when you have leftists who talk about Darfur and they talk about these human rights abuses across the world, but right now when there's something that we could do about it, we're in a position where there's an international dynamic where we could do something and we're in a position of power where the global community could support us.

01:10:16.000 Not a peep.

01:10:17.000 I don't, well, I do get it, but I don't, maybe you can shed some light on it for me so I don't get it wrong.

01:10:23.000 So look, the corruption that we see with the media is profound.

01:10:27.000 Let's take, okay, so last fall, last October, I did an Asia trip, and I traveled to Pearl Harbor, Japan, Taiwan, India, Hong Kong.

01:10:38.000 And it was designed to really be a friends and allies tour, so it was all around China.

01:10:43.000 I had a lot of shows.

01:10:44.000 Yes, yes, you had.

01:10:45.000 My brother went to India, he was like, I gotta space these out, I gotta do this, and he still came back and was sick for two weeks. 0.99

01:10:53.000 So I did get to film in India outside the Ministry of Defense on my phone.

01:10:57.000 I filmed, there was just this whole herd or flock of monkeys.

01:11:02.000 I don't know, what do you call a group of monkeys?

01:11:04.000 Pride as lions? 0.99

01:11:05.000 I'm going to let you die out on this vine here along with your school of monkeys. 0.99

01:11:05.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:11:10.000 I think it's a barrel, Senator Cruz. 0.98

01:11:14.000 I don't know, but it was a crap ton of monkeys. 0.86

01:11:16.000 They were all running around and playing and it was like baby monkeys and I filmed it all and sent it to my girls and the only part of the trip they thought was cool was like the monkeys that were playing right next to the Ministry of Defense.

01:11:28.000 But the whole course of that trip Okay, okay, that would be my... Okay, you're home like national TV, Caroline.

01:11:38.000 Okay, she just ran away. 1.00

01:11:39.000 My 12-year-old said she thought the monkeys were stupid, so sorry about that. 1.00

01:11:42.000 Well, you know what? 0.99

01:11:43.000 Your daughter sounds very judgmental, and I don't know that I appreciate that on this program.

01:11:46.000 We don't tolerate that kind of interspecies discrimination. 0.64

01:11:51.000 But let me redirect since I know we both got distracted here.

01:11:53.000 Would it be at all feasible to say, you know what?

01:11:56.000 You cost these hundreds of thousands of lives, China. 1.00

01:11:59.000 You lied about it.

01:12:00.000 There's some debt here.

01:12:01.000 We're going to renegotiate.

01:12:02.000 Or you know what?

01:12:03.000 You're not going to see a penny until you sort this out.

01:12:05.000 Is that something that's within our power to do?

01:12:07.000 Because I know that a lot of the intellectual elites have said that's outside the realm of possibility.

01:12:11.000 To just use it as a bargaining chip.

01:12:14.000 Look, I think that will be a major topic of discussion.

01:12:17.000 I think the first thing we need to have is just accountability.

01:12:20.000 We need to know what happened.

01:12:21.000 We need to document So, for example, the origins of the pandemic.

01:12:26.000 We now know that there were not one but two Chinese labs, controlled by the Chinese government, in Wuhan, within miles of where the outbreak occurred, that not only were researching coronaviruses, they were researching coronaviruses derived from bats, and they had live population of bats they were researching.

01:12:45.000 We know that there were serious questions There needs to be serious inquiry.

01:13:01.000 Did this virus escape accidentally from one of those Chinese labs? 1.00

01:13:06.000 China refuses to answer that.

01:13:07.000 They don't want to answer that.

01:13:09.000 They will not answer the simple question, were you studying the novel coronavirus?

01:13:14.000 This particular coronavirus at that lab and did it accidentally escape?

01:13:20.000 And the media point we were making before, so I've been raising these questions for about six weeks now, early March is when I started raising these questions.

01:13:29.000 The media reacted like they lit their hair on fire and they said, you're a crazy tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist, which is actually what they call us any other day too, so it's not really different.

01:13:40.000 But the Washington Post had this big reputation That they ran, I think, early March, if I remember right, where they said, people pointing to these labs are crazy conspiracy theorists.

01:13:53.000 Why?

01:13:54.000 Because the genetic makeup of the virus does not suggest it was created in a lab, but occurred naturally.

01:13:59.000 Now, one of the real tells when someone is trying to deceive you is they work for the Washington Post.

01:14:05.000 Well, there is that.

01:14:08.000 But they answer a different question than you asked.

01:14:11.000 No one is arguing that this was created in a lab.

01:14:15.000 What the circumstantial evidence suggests is that this was being studied in a lab.

01:14:20.000 It may well have been naturally occurring, but that it was being studied in a lab, and they did such a half-assed job that it escaped.

01:14:28.000 And that view now, there's more and more evidence to support it.

01:14:33.000 There needs to be real accountability.

01:14:35.000 We know China covered it up.

01:14:37.000 We know they punished, they silenced the whistleblowers that tried to draw attention to it.

01:14:44.000 Once we have accountability in terms of understanding what they did, then I think there will be a real global reassessment of what the consequences will be for the deaths and the trillions of dollars of economic value that China bears direct responsibility for.

01:14:59.000 Right.

01:14:59.000 Hey, really quickly, WebExtended.

01:15:03.000 And there we go.

01:15:04.000 Usually this would be behind the paywall, but because we're doing a free Mug Club month, Mug Club quarantine, let me ask you this while we're talking about reassessing.

01:15:10.000 Why was there any American funding going to a lab in Wuhan?

01:15:16.000 I don't understand that.

01:15:17.000 I know that you don't agree with it, but it is remarkable to me where we sort of talk about the legitimate purview of government, and you're sort of more of a libertarian conservative like I am.

01:15:25.000 That's where I fall on the political compass test, which is useless.

01:15:27.000 But, you know, I cite it when it's convenient for me.

01:15:31.000 It's so far outside of the purview of the legitimate role of government.

01:15:35.000 How many steps of screw-ups does it take for us to find that we are funding a lab that could be creating communicable deadly diseases for years to come?

01:15:46.000 Well, sadly, it is hopeless naivete driven by ideology.

01:15:51.000 Listen, there is a perfectly legitimate role for government to research pandemics and how to stop them.

01:15:57.000 What the CDC does, we need to be prepared to keep us safe. 0.93

01:16:01.000 The stupid part is that we were sending taxpayer funding to the Wuhan lab, to the lab in China that had shoddy security measures, and whose government, the Chinese communists, are not our friends. 0.98

01:16:17.000 They are our enemies. 0.99

01:16:20.000 And this is, look, it's the same naivete that led the Obama administration to send $100 billion to the Ayatollah Khomeini, who chants death to America. 0.62

01:16:30.000 Don't give millions of dollars or billions of dollars to people who want to kill you.

01:16:36.000 That principle is true. 0.87

01:16:37.000 The same principle is true. 0.99

01:16:39.000 Don't give money to a Chinese lab.

01:16:42.000 They're not our friends and we shouldn't be giving a penny to China. 0.99

01:16:48.000 And it was foolish ideological naivete that caused the Obama administration to send that money over.

01:16:56.000 And let's be clear, this wasn't partnering with privatized Chinese labs. 0.54

01:17:00.000 This wasn't the Wuhan equivalent of Quest or LabCorp.

01:17:03.000 That doesn't exist there.

01:17:04.000 And because of, I know that you feel this way, because of my empathy for the Chinese people, I have nothing but disdain for the communist Chinese government.

01:17:11.000 And what I would hate to see is them build up a military and forcibly enlist people for this to, God forbid it ever leads to some kind of a global conflict or catastrophe.

01:17:20.000 Because guess what?

01:17:21.000 There's a huge portion of the Chinese people right now who are just as pissed off as we are, only they don't have a voice. 1.00

01:17:26.000 And guess what?

01:17:27.000 They have no hope of a voice.

01:17:29.000 You're right, but let me give you some real encouragement.

01:17:30.000 to silence American senators and hosts. Do you have any idea? I mean, I know you have

01:17:34.000 an idea, but for people, do you have any idea how demoralizing that has to be for a Chinese 1.00

01:17:37.000 citizen right now to go, hey, I want to speak up, I want to earn freedom. Oh, wait a second.

01:17:42.000 They're fact-checking Senator Ted Cruz for saying this, and they're redirecting from

01:17:46.000 Steven Crowder's show. I better be quiet now.

01:17:49.000 But you're right, but let me give you some real encouragement, which is freedom is powerful.

01:17:56.000 You know, some years ago I sat down with Natan Sharansky, the famed Soviet dissident.

01:18:00.000 He and I sat down in Jerusalem, and he described how, when he was at a Soviet gulag, they would pass from cell to cell notes saying, did you hear what Reagan said, referring to the Soviet Union as an evil empire, saying Marxism-Leninism will end up on the ash heap of history, saying Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

01:18:18.000 Those words There is power and tyrannies.

01:18:23.000 Communist tyrannies are terrified of truth.

01:18:27.000 Let me point to an example.

01:18:28.000 I think it is very valuable to highlight dissidents.

01:18:31.000 It's one of the things I try to do often.

01:18:33.000 And you're right, there are heroic dissidents in China standing up for freedom against their oppressive government.

01:18:39.000 One of them was Liu Jiabao.

01:18:41.000 Liu Jiabao Nobel Peace Laureate, spoke up for democracy, was imprisoned, and won the Nobel Peace Prize for speaking up against the Chinese Communist government.

01:18:52.000 I actually took a page out of Reagan's book.

01:18:56.000 I introduced legislation.

01:18:58.000 To rename the street in front of the Chinese embassy in D.C., Le Javel Plaza.

01:19:03.000 Oh, that sounds nice.

01:19:05.000 And Reagan did that during the Cold War.

01:19:08.000 He renamed the street in front of the Soviet embassy, Sakharov Plaza, after Sakharov, the Soviet dissident.

01:19:16.000 I tried to get it passed in the Senate and a Democrat, Dianne Feinstein, objected.

01:19:20.000 She and I argued back and forth on the Senate floor repeatedly.

01:19:24.000 Dianne Feinstein said, but this will irritate the Chinese government, to which I responded, yes, Dianne, that is the purpose.

01:19:31.000 Do you have to finish the story?

01:19:32.000 I just threw up in my mouth a little, Senator Cruz.

01:19:34.000 You said you were going to give me hope.

01:19:36.000 Speak words of comfort to me, Mr. Cruz.

01:19:39.000 So you will like the end of the story, which is that Which is that this is during the Obama administration.

01:19:45.000 I placed a hold on every nominee to the State Department.

01:19:48.000 The Obama administration freaked out, said, how can we get you to lift the hold?

01:19:52.000 I said, it's very simple.

01:19:53.000 Pass my legislation.

01:19:54.000 Get Feinstein to withdraw her objection.

01:19:57.000 They did.

01:19:58.000 My legislation passed the Senate unanimously.

01:20:00.000 A hundred and nothing.

01:20:02.000 And then I lifted the hold.

01:20:04.000 Fast forward a couple of years later.

01:20:06.000 Liu Xiaobo passes away.

01:20:07.000 His widow, Liu Xia, is still in China.

01:20:11.000 Trump is the new president.

01:20:12.000 Rex Tillerson's the Secretary of State.

01:20:14.000 I'm having breakfast with Rex Tillerson.

01:20:16.000 Tillerson told me in talking to China, they raised among their top three priorities was don't let this legislation pass.

01:20:23.000 It already passed the Senate.

01:20:25.000 Stop Cruz's legislation because it terrified them.

01:20:27.000 Right.

01:20:28.000 And I told Rex at the time, I said, listen, use me as the bad guy.

01:20:33.000 Tell China we're going to pass this unless they release Liu Xia.

01:20:37.000 They did.

01:20:38.000 They released her and let her out. 0.75

01:20:40.000 That's how scared they are of truth.

01:20:42.000 So keep speaking the truth.

01:20:44.000 What you say, what I say, what the dissidents say, it terrifies Xi and the Chinese dictator. 0.99

01:20:52.000 I don't know if what I say so much terrifies them as much as they just want to beat my ass, but they laugh while punching me. 0.99

01:20:59.000 So it's a useful skill. 0.96

01:21:01.000 Speaking of which, when am I going to be making an appearance on your podcast there, Senator Cruz?

01:21:06.000 Oh.

01:21:07.000 We'll make it happen.

01:21:07.000 I refuse the invitation.

01:21:08.000 I will never do it.

01:21:09.000 I just wanted to put one over on a sender.

01:21:13.000 Very strong.

01:21:14.000 Very, very strong.

01:21:16.000 I wanted to ask you about the immigration ban, but you know what?

01:21:19.000 I just want to sit... Steven, I just want to be clear.

01:21:21.000 As a result of that action, just remember, I know where your underground bunker is and the black helicopters circling and the stormtroopers pulling out and locking the doors.

01:21:31.000 I have nothing to do with it.

01:21:32.000 Yeah, well, I can imagine.

01:21:33.000 You know, it's tough to know, because every now and then it sounds like a tugboat is going past this studio.

01:21:37.000 We picked an area that was away from airports, and then they started running a train that, like, what is this?

01:21:42.000 You just started running this, is it the Polar Express?

01:21:45.000 You stopped it for 30 years, and now we found out there's a We're on track, so I wouldn't be able to hear him coming, so that's another one for you, Senator Cruz.

01:21:52.000 And I wanted to talk about the immigration ban, but you know what?

01:21:55.000 I'm really glad to hear you speak out about China.

01:21:58.000 I've been following you, you've been an inspiration, and I hope that, I know they don't, and unfortunately we thought this would be the silver lining with new media, because we know that Chinese media will never allow those dissidents, or never allow their citizens to see these kinds of conversations on television, and unfortunately now we're running into the same roadblocks with big tech.

01:22:14.000 So I appreciate your fight there as well.

01:22:16.000 Senator Ted Cruz, thank you, brother.

01:22:18.000 I know you're busy.

01:22:19.000 Keep up the good fight.

01:22:20.000 We'll talk with you soon.

01:22:21.000 Excellent.

01:22:22.000 Take care.

01:22:22.000 God bless.

01:22:23.000 We're going to wrap this up.

01:22:31.000 Tonight on NBC.

01:22:32.000 Hello, everyone, and welcome to Late Night from my hallway.

01:22:39.000 Seth catches up with the news.

01:22:42.000 Smoke this.

01:22:43.000 It'll make the pain stop.

01:22:44.000 Or it won't.

01:22:45.000 There's no science behind anything.

01:22:47.000 And a special guest.

01:22:49.000 Hello!

01:22:50.000 There you go.

01:22:51.000 Hello, everybody.

01:22:52.000 Hello, Sam.

01:22:53.000 Hello, magic.

01:22:53.000 What are you doing, Rich?

01:23:01.000 What are you talking about? 0.99

01:23:03.000 I need this to be at a fucking distance. 0.99

01:23:04.000 I stepped into that door knowing, like, there's a little bit of racism here. 0.99

01:23:08.000 Yeah, he did.

01:23:12.000 Even for me, that was too much.

01:23:14.000 Do you exclusively shop in dumpsters?

01:23:17.000 Do you exclusively shop in dumpsters?

01:23:31.000 You do, don't you? 1.00

01:23:34.000 You look like a homeless man's ass rag. 1.00

01:23:37.000 A look only a raccoon would love. 1.00

01:23:39.000 Is this what a stroke is?

01:23:41.000 Pure, unadulterated disappointment, personified in clothing.

01:23:46.000 But lucky for you, I have a solution.

01:23:52.000 Now that's what I'm talking about. 0.98

01:23:54.000 You'll be beating the women away with a stick looking that good. 1.00

01:23:57.000 Beguile your potential mates with your sheer masculinity. 0.93

01:24:01.000 Become the envy of all your friends while showing off those legs. 0.80

01:24:05.000 Heck, you're downright rugged.

01:24:08.000 Unfortunately for you, it doesn't correct crippling anxiety.

01:24:13.000 Cover your bits and tackle with silky smooth Ranger Panties at

01:24:17.000 CrowderWithCrowderShop.com That was a drowning dance where I realized I was wearing a

01:25:05.000 white shirt.

01:25:06.000 And I didn't, I didn't.

01:25:08.000 You can't swim in a white shirt.

01:25:09.000 I don't want to end up like Vienna.

01:25:11.000 Immodest.

01:25:12.000 I'm a bachelor.

01:25:14.000 I am so sad that I know that reference.

01:25:18.000 I only remember her because she won and she was like, Miss Wet T-Shirt Miami. 0.99

01:25:24.000 That's an actual prize?

01:25:26.000 And how horrible must the fourth place finisher feel for that?

01:25:30.000 Like, you were a wet t-shirt Miami, and you were good, but you didn't even medal.

01:25:37.000 Thank you to Senator Ted Cruz.

01:25:40.000 And tomorrow we have Representative Dan Crenshaw on the show.

01:25:44.000 Good morning, Mug Club.

01:25:46.000 And we appreciate you guys tuning in.

01:25:47.000 There's been a lot of people and we've gotten a lot of feedback.

01:25:49.000 And of course, promo code quarantine, $30 off.

01:25:52.000 This is still Mug Club Quarantine and it ends on Thursday, which is, I'm not going to lie, it's been a lot of work for quite a few folks here.

01:26:01.000 I've been You know, I've talked with you guys before the show.

01:26:05.000 It's, um, you know, when I get tired, I'm like, oh, I'm tired.

01:26:08.000 So I'm not going to do something, but I'm always concerned about doing it well.

01:26:11.000 Right.

01:26:11.000 You know, so sometimes I'll get to the point where I tape in the morning and then we have to work and tape sketches and write all day.

01:26:16.000 And I'm like, oh my gosh, we can do this show at night, but I just don't want to, you know, I don't want to sound like Joe Biden.

01:26:20.000 Yeah.

01:26:21.000 So not a good look.

01:26:23.000 No, it's different.

01:26:23.000 Like if you're tired and you're in an office job, you can edit, you can hide, but hi, where am I going to go?

01:26:28.000 I would go into the desk.

01:26:28.000 You'd be like, oh, he's on the spectrum.

01:26:30.000 Um, which I am sensory deprivation.

01:26:33.000 So I have been pretty tired.

01:26:35.000 The show is a lot of work, and I want to, you know, I, uh... There is a lot that bothers me about this, this pandemic right now.

01:26:42.000 What really bothers me is people saying, this is a crisis that we've never known, that we've never seen in our lifetime.

01:26:48.000 Well, let me tell you something. 0.58

01:26:49.000 There are people out there who were going through crap before this, and who have been going through crap during this, that is far more severe. 0.97

01:26:57.000 And talk about tone-deaf. 0.92

01:26:59.000 You know, I didn't want to talk about this, and my wife and I weren't going to until she felt comfortable with this, but I have been tired.

01:27:06.000 There's been something kind of going on.

01:27:07.000 Some people have noticed that maybe I feel a little tired.

01:27:09.000 I get a little bit testy.

01:27:11.000 Yeah, to explain it, my wife and I have been trying to become parents for a long time, and I was very happy that I thought I was going to be a father until I wasn't.

01:27:29.000 Listen, people have it worse than that, right?

01:27:31.000 This is not all that uncommon.

01:27:34.000 But, yeah, it is semi-devastating, I would say.

01:27:39.000 And the reason for this, too, and this is something that I think a lot of feminists miss, because all men, if you've ever had a pregnant wife, if you've ever been through something like a miscarriage, You just want to serve as best you can, and you don't necessarily know how. 0.96

01:27:52.000 You just know this is something that obviously they are feeling more intensely, and you feel things really intensely, but you can't show it.

01:27:59.000 And that's kind of what I was talking about.

01:28:00.000 I mentioned it as a joke that was a bit veiled last week, where I talked with sort of a marriage counselor after this, which I encourage people to do, where I said, you know, men sort of We don't really want to sit there and cry in front of our wives because we don't want them to feel that they lack the stability or someone to lean on, and so you're like a dog. 0.50

01:28:18.000 You go off into the woods to die.

01:28:20.000 She thought that was kind of funny, and I still think it's, yeah, you know, I'm the dog who goes off into the woods to die.

01:28:24.000 I'm a dog.

01:28:26.000 But let me tell you this, what the roller coaster was and why coronavirus was, I gotta tell you, it's still at the bottom of my list of priorities right now.

01:28:36.000 Upon hearing, you know, weeks ago that, oh, okay, I was going to finally be a dad, I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but I was like, oh, wow, and immediately, like, crippling fear set in.

01:28:48.000 I was like, oh, my God, okay, what do I need to do?

01:28:50.000 We have to redo the house.

01:28:51.000 We have to, well, we have to turn this, we have to turn the office into a baby room, and okay, we gotta make sure, well, now we gotta get a fence for the pool, and we gotta make sure that, okay, that you get a book for Betty, and I think that when this, you know, often women are just thinking about how they feel, and we're sort of thinking about what we need to do. 0.89

01:29:05.000 This was my experience, anyway.

01:29:07.000 And then when the news was delivered about not, about it not, about a miscarriage.

01:29:16.000 Let's just call what it is.

01:29:17.000 About a miscarriage.

01:29:21.000 It really wasn't fear.

01:29:22.000 It was sadness.

01:29:25.000 And I think we confuse fear with negative emotions sometimes.

01:29:29.000 It's not that sad is always a negative emotion, but sometimes fear sits in because of something that matters.

01:29:34.000 Sometimes you're fearful because you don't want to lose something that brings you so much joy, something that is so important to you.

01:29:42.000 And that's why I think that fear is pretty damn close to not only intelligence, but emotional intelligence, EQ.

01:29:52.000 And one thing the reason that I talk about this and I often talk about these things I've talked about my struggles in the past with with sort of mental health issues and struggling with with depression is because I know that there are a lot of people out there listening and it doesn't solve anything I'm not one of those celebrities who First off, I'm not a celebrity, but I'm not one of those people who, when a celebrity dies, everyone comes out and goes, oh, I've struggled with this as well, like Heath Ledger died, and everyone came out and said, oh, I struggle with depression, but where were you when that wasn't in the tabloids?

01:30:17.000 Where were you when that wasn't in the headlines and people were looking for someone to relate to?

01:30:21.000 And so I've tried to be transparent with those things so that you out there don't have to suffer alone.

01:30:29.000 And that's what I'm doing.

01:30:31.000 Right now.

01:30:32.000 I'm sure that a lot of people out there, it's not all that uncommon, have gone through this and I don't want you to feel like you're suffering through it alone, but let me be honest, I'm also doing this a little bit selfishly.

01:30:42.000 I'd like to see, you know what, I would like to see people who've been through this same scenario comment below.

01:30:49.000 Let me know what it was, so I'm not complaining about that.

01:30:51.000 But I'm not going to lie, it makes it pretty tough when I have to have my wife stay away from the computer. 1.00

01:30:55.000 And everyone is usually right when they talk about the nightmare that is the comment section.

01:31:00.000 But I'm just going to be a little vulnerable here and do this in trust.

01:31:05.000 Trust that humanity has a little bit more to offer by pointing them to the comment section below.

01:31:11.000 I want to see what you have to say about this.

01:31:13.000 I want to see what people out there have been through, and I want to see you supporting each other, because we have all these tools, and I think it slipped through our fingers.

01:31:20.000 We thought social media, this online, we're going to be more connected than ever, and instead it just became about crapping on each other.

01:31:26.000 And believe me, the irony is not lost on me that I just took a big steaming dump on Trevor Noah.

01:31:30.000 That being said, he has a national platform.

01:31:32.000 We're not exactly punching down.

01:31:35.000 And I certainly wouldn't consider bullying him in the comments section.

01:31:39.000 Namely, I don't know that he knows how to read. 0.99

01:31:41.000 Not a racial thing, it's a dumb thing. 0.97

01:31:45.000 So this is what really bothers me with the coronavirus virtue signaling. 0.88

01:31:50.000 Because when I tell you this, and while everyone else has scaled back, we've really tried to scale up two shows a day, right?

01:31:55.000 Because we want to serve you.

01:31:57.000 We're not nurses.

01:31:57.000 We're not doctors.

01:31:58.000 We thought people are quarantined.

01:31:59.000 People are isolated.

01:32:00.000 They're yearning for connection, for content.

01:32:03.000 I know I've been.

01:32:06.000 It's been a grueling couple of weeks, two shows a day.

01:32:08.000 It's hard, really hard.

01:32:10.000 And this isn't just a podcast where we talk into a microphone and call it a show, okay?

01:32:13.000 I hope that seeing the late night hosts broadcasting from home has highlighted just how much work this entire team puts into the show.

01:32:21.000 Yeah, you see me hosting it and you see people in this room, and yeah, okay, you see the fruits of our writing.

01:32:26.000 Maybe you see some jokes, maybe you see a Photoshop, but you don't necessarily understand how much work always goes from people who you never get to see, or occasionally see on a security camera, if it's Brendan.

01:32:36.000 When Colbert is broadcasting from his home with just a few crappy punchlines and maybe a photo still, and he still has five to ten times the staff of anyone working here right now, and that same week, you can look at those same weeks, look at Stephen Colbert, look at Kimmel, look at Trevor Noah, look at Samantha Bee, we've done massive parodies, sketches, original content, twice the volume of shows, this, not myself, and I wouldn't be able to do it without them.

01:32:59.000 You know how you know?

01:33:00.000 Do you know how you know that?

01:33:01.000 Go back and watch this show, watch my YouTube channel before this team.

01:33:06.000 Now, creatively, sure.

01:33:07.000 Impressions, sure.

01:33:08.000 Jokes, sure.

01:33:10.000 Was I able to go out and do hidden camera stuff?

01:33:12.000 Yeah, but it was maybe once a week, once a month.

01:33:16.000 The volume of content and the quality of content that you see, this isn't me bragging on myself, wouldn't be able to do it without this remarkable outfit.

01:33:26.000 And you know what?

01:33:28.000 You'll never hear us say that we're the number one show with a bullet in this space.

01:33:31.000 That when you add up all the avenues where people consume this, that everyone else is competing for a distant second, because we like to focus on the work.

01:33:38.000 But that's the truth.

01:33:39.000 That is absolutely the truth.

01:33:41.000 And I don't say it for myself, I say it for what they've done.

01:33:43.000 They are the ones who helped make this number one, because I've been around for a while and I wasn't even number 51.

01:33:48.000 So when I see reporters and activists on social media just wailing like Kim Jong-il died and they deserve a f***ing Razzie because of this pandemic, when they haven't lost their business, they haven't lost their jobs, many of them don't have employees at all to support, let alone families to support, they didn't even get the sniffles and they say, this is the worst episode in our history, however, when we regain hope.

01:34:10.000 Really?

01:34:11.000 Really?

01:34:12.000 What have you lost?

01:34:15.000 Specifically because of COVID-19, what have you lost?

01:34:19.000 And I'll tell you this, you can look at the timeline of COVID-19.

01:34:23.000 What I've lost, what I'll never get back, has nothing to do with a virus that is increasingly seeming like having the mortality rate of the flu.

01:34:31.000 Has nothing to do with that.

01:34:32.000 You know what I lost?

01:34:33.000 I lost not being able to know the things I thought about.

01:34:36.000 What am I gonna name him or her?

01:34:38.000 Is it gonna look like me or more like my wife? 0.85

01:34:41.000 Be shy, or will he be outgoing?

01:34:43.000 Is he going to seem like AudioAid's kid who's great and I really love hanging out with him?

01:34:46.000 How is he going to interact with Betty?

01:34:48.000 What are his dreams and hopes going to be?

01:34:50.000 When am I going to see his personality develop?

01:34:52.000 Never get to know that.

01:34:53.000 That is, I want to be really clear about this, okay?

01:34:55.000 This isn't me bitching, but this is also, as we talk about pro-life, that is a life lost.

01:34:59.000 That is a life lost that I will never get to know. 0.85

01:35:02.000 And this is really messed up, but I was talking with someone about this on the team, and women Understand that I have just gone into my hole with this and tried to be as supportive as I can and then at one point cry like a bitch in the car listening to James Taylor, which thankfully no one will ever see, except the NSA. 0.98

01:35:20.000 F*** me, I'm uncomfortable with talking about this stuff. 0.90

01:35:28.000 What was I saying before this? 0.99

01:35:28.000 What was I saying? 0.99

01:35:31.000 Oh, I was talking with someone on the team.

01:35:34.000 And women might not ever, the my body, my choice, that's absolutely true. 1.00

01:35:36.000 Okay?

01:35:37.000 I understand it.

01:35:37.000 I understand that there's something that my wife is going through that I will never know.

01:35:40.000 But there is also, and men, please tell me, again, in the comments section, if you've been through this with a miscarriage.

01:35:47.000 I've been trying to, I'm just going to call it what it is.

01:35:49.000 There's a almost, I don't want to use the word jealousy, but that's where it is.

01:35:53.000 When you have all of these hopes and dreams and this idea of what your child could or maybe won't be, And it gets taken away from you and you're almost sort of jealous that at least your wife was able to have a connection with that life that you're never going to get to have.

01:36:12.000 That's tough. 0.95

01:36:12.000 And if you say it, you sound like you're being an inconsiderate prick. 0.95

01:36:17.000 I don't mean to be. 0.97

01:36:19.000 But I want to know if that's something that I suffer along with.

01:36:22.000 I want to know if that's something other people out there have felt, because we usually don't talk about this, and certainly men don't really talk about it.

01:36:28.000 They go, oh yeah, it's a tough racket.

01:36:30.000 No, it's a really tough racket.

01:36:31.000 And so when I see people in the media right now acting like all is lost, when they personally have lost nothing, and they just absolutely belittle the people who've experienced real loss in this pandemic, This whole charade from the media, not saying the virus is a hoax, but the blowing it out of proportion and using it as a political weapon, it's belittled real loss.

01:36:55.000 It's belittled when people experience real loss, because I'll tell you, the virus has made it very hard for us to scale up a lot of work, made it hard to keep work afloat, period.

01:37:05.000 It's made every single day for people here, one big stutter step, just, oh, oh, we gotta, oh, okay, we gotta do this, no wait, we gotta do this show.

01:37:11.000 That's right, we have another show.

01:37:12.000 I don't get to relax, we have to be up at 4 a.m.

01:37:14.000 to prepare for the next show, but compared to what my wife and I have been going through, it is nothing.

01:37:19.000 It is nothing.

01:37:20.000 It's a walk in a caution-taped-off park.

01:37:24.000 And you know what?

01:37:25.000 We all have an empathy meter.

01:37:26.000 This is a thing that people don't want to talk about.

01:37:27.000 We all have a set empathy meter, and at a certain point, it runs out.

01:37:32.000 And I want my heart to be open to the people who need it.

01:37:35.000 And we can't keep running everyone's empathy meter down to nothing without refilling it back up with some validation.

01:37:42.000 And that's what is happening right now with this virus.

01:37:46.000 What you are doing is draining people of their empathy because at a certain point they have nothing left to give, especially when you aren't empathizing with them and they don't know how they're going to put food on the table.

01:37:57.000 Or especially when you talk about, oh my god, I can't believe that there's a disease out there, a virus that can have a death rate of 0.2% when there are people out there who are going through miscarriages, who have parents with early onset dementia, who have cancer running in the family, Who maybe just had to hold their dog in their arms while they put him down.

01:38:15.000 People are experiencing real loss.

01:38:17.000 And so, when we go into 2020, this was a strategy from the left.

01:38:21.000 They wanted you to be... They wanted to appear empathetic and they wanted you to remember all of this loss that they were hoping and praying for when you actually look at their statements.

01:38:30.000 It's very clear what the motivation was.

01:38:32.000 I'm not attributing motive.

01:38:33.000 They said that if you watch CNN.

01:38:36.000 Guess what?

01:38:36.000 I want you to remember it too.

01:38:38.000 I want you to remember all of this, and I want you to remember what you lost versus what you were told would be lost, and the real losses that you've had in your life all along the way.

01:38:50.000 I hope to see you in the comments section and regain some faith in humanity.

01:38:54.000 You guys are usually pretty good.

01:38:55.000 You do a good job.

Louder with Crowder - April 23, 2020

#670 | Trevor Noah Hates Freedom-Loving Americans | Ted Cruz Guests | Louder With Crowder

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