Betty Crowder, a doggo Argentino, has an unhealthy penchant for toilet paper. So much so that she is ready to devour a whole roll at any chance she gets a chance. And we're here to explain why.
00:00:19.000Today, perhaps one of the most controversial installments as you see the toilet paper sort of champagne tower, if you will, in the studio right now.
00:00:28.000Very soon, Betty Crowder, a doggo Argentino with very much an unhealthy penchant for toilet paper, will enter into the studio live and absolutely ravage it, we believe.
00:00:40.000Of course, the hashtag is Mug Club Quarantine, where you are getting more content than ever before.
00:00:46.000I'm incredibly grateful to the team here and the promo promotional code is quarantine where you will get $30 off right and as we go into this some folks may be Shocked by what they see here.
00:01:06.000We've certainly, here at the Lennox Credit Program, some could argue we've had more bombastic programming before, confrontational, but nothing as controversial with gross disregard for the needy in the face of a toilet paper shortage.
00:01:21.000But for those who don't entirely understand, I'm reminded of the story of the starfish, the young boy who saved a starfish and there were thousands washing up upon the sea.
00:01:31.000A man said, why don't you throw that one starfish back into the ocean?
00:01:34.000There are thousands of other starfish.
00:01:36.000He said, but I could save that one starfish.
00:01:38.000I know that many people out there are clamoring for toilet paper and forced to use unflushable wet wipes right now, which has caused a great problem for the septic tank industry.
00:01:46.000But we can't help all those people, but we can provide one day of bliss for a young doggo puppy.
00:01:51.000Yes, and many don't know that that young boy was you.
00:02:42.000So it's very curious as to how she would react when faced with an entire... Now, you see this right here, how she is... She's pawing at the toilet paper.
00:02:53.000It seems very cute to the untrained eye.
00:02:54.000I sort of say the paws on there underneath her chin are sort of like the Sears catalog family photo you might send out in a Christmas card.
00:04:12.000She's really peeling off layers here, which shows a great magnitude of control, because that toilet paper only exists truly for as long as she allows it.
00:05:18.000A lot of people think that they are large pit bulls, but they actually don't share any of the same lineage.
00:05:24.000Of course, both in the bully breed territory, but duggos hunt in packs, and they would seclude, for example, a boar or a mountain lion away from the rest of their brothers and sisters, pin them, and slowly just tear the life from... Oh, and now she's... Look at this.
00:05:53.000That's a remarkable understanding of efficiency because rather than chase the rolls that are falling and wasting energy, she understands that there are more rolls.
00:06:04.000And right now she's simply deciding, almost like Jenga, which role would be the easiest for her to take out in a weakened state and exploit.
00:06:13.000I can't quite see... Oh, wonderful, another angle.
00:06:16.000Yeah, the persistence and the patience really is worthy of note.
00:06:53.000We were advised to punish Betty when she would take food from the table with a rolled up paper towel roll.
00:06:59.000And not so much, of course, for people out there not to harm her in any way, but that sound.
00:07:04.000We were advised to scare them, kind of like, very similar to a rolled-up newspaper roll.
00:07:08.000And instead, she actually swiped it from my hand and began devouring it, which we thought was, at the time, amusing.
00:07:16.000But looking back, we absolutely should not have laughed because we really created an engram in her where she believed that to be appropriate behavior, and we created a monster.
00:07:25.000I have to say that living with a Duggo Argentino like Betty was an affinity for toilet paper.
00:07:31.000During the coronavirus pandemic is it's very similar to Not of course to make light of those who've suffered at the Holocaust but being a Jewish Individual in an attic with a baby who won't stop crying with the SS on the the main floor below you.
00:07:45.000I don't quite similar I don't think that's making light of it at all.
00:07:48.000Well, it's a comparison that I think is necessary during these hard times certainly Yes, and I notice that Betty does have a patch of loose skin on the back of her neck.
00:09:19.000I was a little apprehensive in broadcasting this because I thought, well, we're doing this live and there's a strong chance that she simply bulldozes through.
00:09:58.000I don't know if she's become uninterested.
00:10:00.000That would seem out of character for her, considering just how much she finds herself magnetically drawn to toilet paper at this point.
00:10:10.000And there's still plenty of toilet paper left.
00:10:11.000She does seem to be approaching the door.
00:10:14.000That is interesting, and of course we have, for those who are worried, we have locked her in.
00:10:19.000She did go potty before this broadcast, and she will not be let out until she's finished her toilet paper.
00:10:25.000It's similar to the equivalent of a father finding a son with a Marlboro, and then forcing him to smoke the rest of the pack of cigarettes.
00:10:41.000Apparently there must be something wrong, and of course the quality control can't be as stringent as usual when you have a shortage during these times.
00:10:48.000We do have a mixture here of single and double ply.
00:11:53.000And she was anticipated to be much larger.
00:11:55.000She was a pick of the litter, but that would be actually rather grunty for a Duggo Argentino because she did have a health scare when she was young as a reaction to anesthetic.
00:12:04.000And we considered actually not reviving her, but that was primarily due to cost concerns.
00:12:09.000Well, 92 pounds, do you think that this is an advantage or a disadvantage in this scenario?
00:12:15.000That's a very good question, because you do have to balance, and you'll see this with sort of packs of doggo Argentinos who go out on a wild boar hunt.
00:12:22.000Typically, if they need to roam longer distances, they'll send out the smaller doggos.
00:12:27.000It is a balance of endurance and power.
00:12:29.000And at around that 92 pound mark, she would be right in the middle of the pack.
00:12:34.000Sort of a doggo of all trades, if you will.
00:13:48.000This has been too easy, so she wants to watch the toilet paper unravel.
00:13:53.000These dogs, they don't really want to attack dead animals.
00:13:58.000They are bred for hunting and holding, and that instinct of an animal shaking beneath their grasp actually only encourages them to grip more tightly.
00:14:07.000But when that toilet paper roll is just sitting there, you know, flaccid, as though they've just had a cup of coffee with perhaps the late Bill Cosby, or I guess not the late, but soon-to-be, it's very uninteresting.
00:14:21.000So this pile of toilet paper is somewhat like a pile of dead raccoons.
00:14:27.000She seems to Maybe be approaching it a little more slowly than if there was a risk involved.
00:14:41.000If that toilet paper roll glides across the floor like a streamer, she's far more likely to be active.
00:14:48.000And, of course, also people who are noticing right now, Betty, since her health care, has an abnormally large anus for Doug O. Argentino, which is a Problematic when it comes to, obviously, no one wants to... One of the perks of having a canine friend is not having to wipe.
00:15:05.000That's very similar to working overtime without extra pay.
00:15:14.000There's a famous doggo Argentino, if you run a YouTube search, called Morocho, who protected two children on an Argentinian farm from a mountain lion.
00:15:24.000They found the children in a tree, Marocho, missing about half of her face, her orbital bone, and a dead mountain lion.
00:15:31.000She was willing to serve her life to protect those children, and Betty is a direct descendant, I believe, a great-granddaughter of Marocho, and of course has none of those instincts, as I have no doubt that if I was chased down my home drive with a Yorkie, she would leave me for dead.
00:16:17.000So it seems as though people are relatively upset with this, which we really should have probably... I have heard accounts of people having to take showers after each time they use the restroom, which again is sad.
00:16:33.000And that's sad for us as Americans, but if you think about that, the French do that all the time.
00:16:36.000They call it a bidet, but they're not fooling anybody.
00:16:40.000I never thought of a bidet as a tiny little shower.
00:16:43.000And in Middle Eastern cultures, we all know they simply prefer to use their hand.
00:16:48.000So if you manage to get yourself in a meeting with Kadafi, you're effectively squeezing the shaman.
00:16:54.000Of course, not in these days of social distancing, in which case the new approach is bumping elbows after you've coughed into it for hours on end.
00:17:03.000Well, we don't want to paint the Middle East in broad brushes, of course.
00:17:09.000I would understand why one might feel that way, but I entirely said that with great purpose.
00:17:32.000Which, by the way, interesting fact about doggos.
00:17:36.000The bite pressure, which is measured in PSI, pounds per square inch, as a matter of fact, with a Golden Retriever, somewhere around 200 pounds or a standard Labrador, And I believe that a pit bull, a Staffordshire or American Pit Bull Terrier in German Shepherds, register around 300-something PSI.
00:17:53.000The Doggo Argentino clocks in at a whopping 515 pressure.
00:17:59.000Well, just imagine if you were one of these rolls of toilet paper.
00:19:23.000I'd say really more of a bog of eternal toilet paper at this point.
00:19:30.000The Egyptian masters would not be happy about this.
00:19:32.000They would not be happy about this at all.
00:19:35.000If they were planning on being embalmed, they would be sorely disappointed.
00:19:39.000Of course, we jest, they didn't use toilet paper, they used some form of organic cloth, which we believe to be cotton, but no one knows for sure.
00:19:49.000And this is interesting. It almost acts, her coat is a natural camouflage when surrounded by toilet paper.
00:19:59.000I don't know about you, but at this point I'm having a difficult time identifying the doggo.
00:20:03.000And this is an adaptive mechanism, of course.
00:20:25.000This is the sort of dog that Steve Jobs would have if he hadn't put himself in a shallow grave with a fruitarian diet and shunned Western medicine.
00:20:54.000The chair seems to have moved unexpectedly.
00:20:57.000Keep in mind that is the chair where even Brendan was sitting only several days ago, and there could be, of course, a foul odor emitting, which generally dogs would find pleasant, but this might just be too overpowering.
00:21:12.000And if anyone is nervous about Betty approaching the chair where even Brendan sat, dogs cannot get the COVID-19 virus.
00:21:20.000That's what we believed until just the recent transfer to tigers.
00:21:24.000So we are hoping that the transmission from humans to animals is limited only to Exotic, highly prized.
00:21:31.000Well, I hope the audience will forgive me.
00:22:13.000We know, as a matter of fact, we know that that is incorrect.
00:22:16.000Which really should surprise nobody, considering that they were making great determinations from fossil records to determine the efficacy of the vision of Tyrannosaurus rex.
00:22:27.000It should surprise no one that that, of course, was pseudoscience.
00:23:00.000She does seem to have slowed her pace, and you have to ask yourself if that's a byproduct exhaustion, you know, as with any other athletic endeavor,
00:23:08.000lactic acid buildup, or if she simply can no longer breathe as she's blocked her
00:23:14.000air passageways with the toilet paper, which upon reflection was a very
00:23:18.000irresponsible endeavor for us to undertake, particularly for an entire
00:23:23.000half hour of program. Certainly, but we can hope that that is not the
00:23:26.000case. We can certainly hope that that is not the case.
00:23:29.000There is key dog insurance taken out on Betty Crowder, as she is, of course, the spokesperson, very popular, for Walter Firearms.
00:23:38.000And that's really because dogs can't drink coffee.
00:23:42.000So Black Rifle gave a call to the Landers Crowder Studios and said, could Betty do some live reads?
00:23:47.000And I said, well, I don't know how much you're aware, but coffee is a very potent neurotoxin for dogs.
00:23:54.000It'll be a short-lived commercial series.
00:24:04.000If you don't laugh, you'll cry, much as, of course, we would if she were to ingest significant amounts of the neurotoxin, which is known as caffeine, also filled with bromine and chocolate.
00:25:00.000Never mind, looks like she has... Sort of a little bit of an escape from Alcatraz there, where she knows just where to stand so that we can't keep our eye on old Betty there.
00:25:20.000Though it was a less racist version of the installment, more palatable to the American public.
00:25:24.000Again, we have a tweet right now, actually also on the live chat.
00:25:30.000Someone's saying that this live chat sucks.
00:25:33.000And we do hear you, and we do have an issue with the live chat available on BlazeTV, where you cannot enter in your username at the moment.
00:26:08.000For example, we've all seen the crab that puts up its claws to reveal a red underclaw, and that's to say, hey buddy, you can try and take a gobble here if you like, but I don't think you'll enjoy how this ends up.
00:26:47.000A little more cautious than I believed Betty would be, and certainly more so than I hoped she would be, considering the incredible amount that was spent due to the price gouging.
00:26:59.000Anybody in the Austin area or for surrounding zip codes will not be able to procure any toilet paper for the next four weeks due to this broadcast.
00:27:09.000But we feel it was, of course, for a worthy cause.
00:27:11.000And it seems she is approaching the role that was thrown in.
00:27:16.000It's hard for me to tell, again, because they are all so similar.
00:27:20.000They are similar, and again, she does blend in.
00:27:23.000And she is, as I said earlier, adapted to live in toilet paper-like climates.
00:29:00.000Many know that every time an election year comes around that a dog is sent to eat from one bowl or another that represents one candidate or a different one.
00:29:28.000Sometimes it's a little dry, the way that I approach humor.
00:29:33.000But I would say it's more comparable to the way that we ring in the New Year, where, as of course you know, we have an older gentleman engage in physical feats of strength with a baby to see who, really if we are going to have four more weeks of 2019.
00:29:54.000And so, I'm not entirely sure where the analogy started, but it really came from a good place and meandered a little bit, but I would say that's an apt comparison.
00:30:03.000Well, it looks like Betty has become totally uninterested in the toilet paper.
00:30:30.000Engage with your chats and your tweets, of course.
00:30:34.000Do tune in Friday morning and this evening.
00:30:36.000More programming than ever at linowithkraner.com slash schedule and use the promotional code quarantine for $30 off.
00:30:44.000Um, as we appreciate the support it's required, and most importantly, if you don't, we will place, of course, Betty Crowder in a closet and beat her for days without mercy.