Louder with Crowder - April 16, 2025


🔴 SCRAPYARD: JFK Assassination & Jewish Jokes That Should Never Make Air


Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 1 minute

Words per minute

173.52812

Word count

10,591

Sentence count

1,264

Harmful content

Misogyny

60

sentences flagged

Toxicity

159

sentences flagged

Hate speech

59

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

The Lotto With Crowder crew is back with a special bonus episode featuring a special guest! This week, the crew talks about what not to bring to air on the Lotto with Crowder, an Australian homeowner discovers an unpleasant discovery, and Gerald tries to explain why he's allergic to crab.

Transcript

Transcripts from "Louder with Crowder" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:58.000 Welcome, Bongino Army.
00:01:00.000 Of course, as Dan does his work there at the FBI.
00:01:02.000 Vince, thank you for sending folks this way.
00:01:05.000 Vince, which comes from the name Vincente, which actually translates from Latin to the hand that rocks the cradle. 0.99
00:01:11.000 I don't know why you'd name your child the hand that rocks the cradle, but WAPs are a silly people. 1.00
00:01:18.000 Let's enjoy the show. 1.00
00:01:55.000 show.
00:01:58.000 Glad to be with you.
00:01:59.000 And today's a little bit different, especially for those of you who are not Rumble Premium members.
00:02:03.000 You know, we've been doing this quite a while on the Friday show, which was very often only Mug Club, now Rumble Premium members.
00:02:11.000 Anyway, thinking of the rundown, what are we talking about today?
00:02:13.000 What's in the news?
00:02:14.000 You know, it's a live show, weekdays, 11 a.m. Eastern.
00:02:16.000 But not everything we do here at the Lotto with Crowder Studios...
00:02:22.000 I don't even have a name for a studio.
00:02:24.000 Is that what I'm calling it?
00:02:24.000 That's fine.
00:02:25.000 Yeah. Not everything makes air.
00:02:27.000 And by the way, that could be for a multitude of reasons, but all of them good.
00:02:32.000 It could be it's far too offensive to be on air.
00:02:35.000 It could be the idea is half-baked.
00:02:37.000 It could be that we didn't quite think it was ready for prime time.
00:02:39.000 It could just be because we thought it was really funny the night before, and if we were writing it a couple beers, and the next morning, it didn't even make any sense.
00:02:47.000 So, today's show...
00:02:49.000 That seems like an attack.
00:02:50.000 No, it's on me.
00:02:51.000 Oh. It's a scrapyard.
00:02:56.000 See, even the stingers have baked.
00:02:57.000 Yeah, but that's better than my stinger.
00:02:59.000 Yeah, and you should know, by the way, we were just talking about Vegas, and Gerald and I were talking about how we didn't really like Vegas, and I mentioned the Bellagio buffet, and then you had your, whatever, quip.
00:03:10.000 Yeah. And you guys, you all trying out smart ass.
00:03:13.000 And then I was like, no, no, no, it's actually a good buffet, so you can get unlimited crab. 0.81
00:03:16.000 And I think, did I hear this correctly?
00:03:18.000 Did noodles sound off and say, I'm allergic to crab?
00:03:21.000 No. Oh, okay.
00:03:22.000 No, I said something far more offensive.
00:03:24.000 Oh, okay.
00:03:25.000 He said he has crabs.
00:03:26.000 There's always someone who mentions that.
00:03:28.000 Which I thought, that's what I thought you meant by Bellagio Buffet.
00:03:30.000 I thought you meant like one of those bunny ranch type places.
00:03:33.000 It's Vegas.
00:03:34.000 It makes sense.
00:03:35.000 But I thought you were one of those people who's allergic to shellfish who announces it to everybody.
00:03:38.000 No. I'm not that shellfish.
00:03:40.000 Someone's like, no, well, if there's shellfish and I'm even in the room, it's like...
00:03:46.000 We're clearly talking about a place that is several states away.
00:03:49.000 You're not in any danger.
00:03:51.000 How about I throw a shrimp at you? 0.99
00:03:53.000 I want to fire noodles now, but I'm not that shellfish.
00:03:57.000 Oh my god.
00:03:59.000 I'm glad we didn't hear that.
00:04:01.000 I'm glad I talked over it, maybe.
00:04:02.000 You leave the studio right now.
00:04:06.000 There we go.
00:04:09.000 That was horrific.
00:04:11.000 And I tell bad jokes.
00:04:13.000 Paula Poundstone's understudy? 0.99
00:04:15.000 Gross. You can see her live at the Bellagio. 0.97
00:04:19.000 Right next to the buffet.
00:04:21.000 I like it when my ladies wear suits. 1.00
00:04:23.000 Now, sure.
00:04:24.000 So, there we go.
00:04:25.000 We're just going to get into it.
00:04:26.000 And you guys can let us know what else you want us to not allow to make air.
00:04:31.000 Or you know what?
00:04:31.000 Here, how about this?
00:04:32.000 Comment below.
00:04:33.000 What bit was on air in the last month or so that absolutely should not have been?
00:04:38.000 Let us know.
00:04:39.000 There you go.
00:04:40.000 Ah, man, they say that about me every day.
00:04:42.000 What they say about, don't take it personally.
00:04:45.000 I do.
00:04:46.000 The only reason they say it about you is because Noodles doesn't talk that much, so they don't think of him.
00:04:50.000 But now he's removed all doubt by speaking.
00:04:54.000 It's going to be the shellfish bit.
00:04:55.000 So, all right, here's the first one up.
00:04:59.000 And keep in mind, I don't know, some of these are old, some of these are new, so I don't fully remember what these are.
00:05:05.000 That's part of the fun.
00:05:08.000 An Australian homeowner made an unpleasant discovery.
00:05:11.000 I have no idea what this is.
00:05:13.000 It's like, could it be a pipe burst?
00:05:15.000 Could it be AIDS?
00:05:16.000 We're all on this journey together.
00:05:17.000 An Australian homeowner made an unpleasant discovery when working in his yard.
00:05:23.000 Now, if you're a bit yellow-bellied, you might want to look away because a family in Sydney's west found more than 100 red-bellied black snakes in their backyard.
00:05:34.000 My goodness, let's go live to Liam Tapper in Sydney.
00:05:36.000 Liam, this is my worst nightmare.
00:05:41.000 It's your worst nightmare.
00:05:43.000 That makes two of us.
00:05:44.000 I am hysterical covering this story this morning.
00:05:49.000 Stop it.
00:05:50.000 This family.
00:05:52.000 A few days ago, they'd seen a few red double websites.
00:05:55.000 Was that the soundboard or was that in the...
00:05:57.000 That was in the clip?
00:05:59.000 That was the clip.
00:06:00.000 Perfect timing.
00:06:01.000 Guys, you know I'm tired today, so I can't tell.
00:06:04.000 Wait, just stop it?
00:06:05.000 Yes. That was in the clip.
00:06:08.000 Stop it.
00:06:09.000 Stop it.
00:06:11.000 There you go.
00:06:11.000 That makes two of us.
00:06:13.000 I am hysterical covering this story this morning.
00:06:18.000 Stop it.
00:06:19.000 Oh my god!
00:06:20.000 I totally triggered that!
00:06:23.000 Come on, pause, pause.
00:06:25.000 Move on to soundboard.
00:06:26.000 You are the luckiest man on earth.
00:06:29.000 Because your affront to my gut with your shellfish bit will be forgotten. 1.00
00:06:36.000 And superseded with...
00:06:38.000 It was oddly, like, annoyed, flirtatious, but aggressively aroused.
00:06:46.000 Those two guys have definitely seen each other.
00:06:48.000 Yes, they have.
00:06:49.000 I was like, I'm flirting with you, but I'm your boss.
00:06:53.000 That's awkward.
00:06:54.000 Don't mention me crabs.
00:06:56.000 Alright, let's continue talking about the re-billy. 0.91
00:06:59.000 I like the way they say billy.
00:07:01.000 So they called in the experts, the reptile recovery team here in Sydney.
00:07:06.000 Thinking they'd get four red-bellied black snakes out of this pile of rubbish, this mulch pile of sticks.
00:07:11.000 That's not a snake.
00:07:12.000 To their surprise, they found five red-bellied black snake female mothers who were pregnant.
00:07:19.000 Underneath them, 71 baby red-bellied black snakes.
00:07:24.000 But if you thought that was bad, wait, there's more.
00:07:29.000 They put those snakes into a bag over the course of about three to five hours.
00:07:33.000 In that time, those...
00:07:35.000 Those lovely mothers gave birth. 1.00
00:07:38.000 They welcomed new life into this world.
00:07:41.000 21 snakes taking the full total to 102 red-bellied black snakes.
00:07:49.000 Crikey! How would you be seeing that?
00:07:52.000 Absolutely. My stomach is turning right now.
00:07:54.000 Me too.
00:07:55.000 Even talking about it.
00:07:56.000 Me too.
00:07:57.000 Whoa. The woman is far and away the most masculine. 1.00
00:08:01.000 I know.
00:08:02.000 Me too.
00:08:04.000 Those are the red bellies. 0.99
00:08:05.000 You guys right here.
00:08:06.000 I'm looking at a couple of yellow bellies.
00:08:08.000 Yeah, that's how she started if you're a yellow belly. 1.00
00:08:10.000 Yeah, yellow belly. 0.91
00:08:11.000 I'm looking at two fruitcakes.
00:08:13.000 A little light in the loafers.
00:08:14.000 Two sprites.
00:08:15.000 Stop it. 1.00
00:08:17.000 Shut up, fairy. 1.00
00:08:19.000 Hey, everyone better clap. 1.00
00:08:22.000 Everyone say you believe in Gerald or old boy.
00:08:25.000 Like a seal.
00:08:27.000 Do you believe in Gerald?
00:08:30.000 Ah, there's a dead fairy.
00:08:32.000 So, by the way, I have to say this.
00:08:36.000 The reason that I remember now why we didn't include this story.
00:08:38.000 I was like, there is nothing notable about this in Australia.
00:08:42.000 Yeah, this is like a Tuesday.
00:08:43.000 Like, they're overselling, like, would you believe there's more than four?
00:08:47.000 How about five?
00:08:49.000 Yes, the answer is yes.
00:08:51.000 If Australia, we would believe any number of deadly animals.
00:08:55.000 So the red-bellied snake is, in fact, venomous because my notes say so.
00:09:00.000 But the Australian Museum notes, they are a shy snake and will generally only deliver a serious bite.
00:09:08.000 Under severe molestation.
00:09:10.000 I don't like the use of that word. 0.93
00:09:13.000 Haven't you heard about old Billy the snake rapist? 0.94
00:09:17.000 We had to go around saying, hey, now you stop bopping snakes. 0.97
00:09:22.000 That's right.
00:09:23.000 Yeah, we used to call him the moccasin molester. 0.99
00:09:25.000 That's right.
00:09:27.000 When he was done with him, we'd call him the water moccasin.
00:09:31.000 He's all wet.
00:09:33.000 Moccasin moccasin.
00:09:33.000 Never mind.
00:09:34.000 Yeah, go back to your shellfish, mate. 0.99
00:09:40.000 All right.
00:09:41.000 So the Ashura snake will generally only deliver a serious bite on a civilian mobile station, which is bad news for this guy.
00:09:49.000 Wow. I remember working on this.
00:09:52.000 But the thing is, that's all we had for the story.
00:09:55.000 His snake's talking to the other snake.
00:09:57.000 That's right. 0.98
00:09:59.000 Well, scrap your head. 0.74
00:10:02.000 They weren't biting him. 0.96
00:10:03.000 No. No, they like it.
00:10:08.000 Yeah, his technique is he used to try and dangle his bits like a worm.
00:10:13.000 Did you see how they were dressed? 0.99
00:10:16.000 Yeah, I'll tell you what, that black mum was asking for it. 1.00
00:10:21.000 Look at his scales.
00:10:21.000 Pretty fascinating to talk to.
00:10:22.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:10:27.000 She looks like an Australian guy. 1.00
00:10:29.000 This is way funnier than we thought it would be.
00:10:31.000 Yeah, well, look, there's a reason that, because we have to stretch it out, because there's very little with some of these stories.
00:10:34.000 So the next one is, when we covered the Big Balls story, what's the Big Balls story?
00:10:39.000 The guy was named Big Balls.
00:10:40.000 Doge. Oh!
00:10:41.000 Yeah, the Doge.
00:10:42.000 Doge, okay, sorry. 0.94
00:10:43.000 Also known as Big Balls.
00:10:45.000 You guys are used to a lot of people who use, like, prompter, and I just have notes, and I kind of am able to look.
00:10:52.000 But then, when you're far enough removed from the minister's story that you clearly were so uninterested in that you didn't run it, It doesn't. 0.99
00:10:58.000 Big balls. 0.99
00:10:59.000 Now I remember. 0.97
00:10:59.000 Oh, we put it all in one place for you guys. 0.97
00:11:00.000 Well, my brain was still on the snake rapist. 0.98
00:11:02.000 Yeah. So... 0.95
00:11:03.000 You're like in and out of Australia, too.
00:11:06.000 Yeah. Well, we covered the big balls story.
00:11:08.000 Huh? Huh?
00:11:09.000 Yeah. Big balls. 1.00
00:11:10.000 Tiny snake. 0.97
00:11:12.000 Filmed at 11. Oh, Brian.
00:11:18.000 For a second, I was trying to do math and see what time that was.
00:11:22.000 Central. I can't.
00:11:23.000 I can't.
00:11:24.000 I can't do it.
00:11:25.000 Now I don't know what I'm doing.
00:11:26.000 Now I'm thinking of the British broadcaster.
00:11:29.000 Yeah. The caricature of a British accent.
00:11:35.000 So when we covered the Big Balls story originally, we actually came up with an idea for a song to go with it.
00:11:41.000 Unfortunately, someone else kind of beat us to the punch, and that happens, especially in the era of the internet where...
00:11:46.000 Sometimes you spend a lot of time crafting out a joke or a series of jokes, and someone will just sort of take a premise, but the premise is used online, and it can be half-baked, like, ah, we don't want to be seen as copying it.
00:11:58.000 So sometimes it happens.
00:12:00.000 And unlike your Colbert's or your Kimmel's, we just try and avoid repeating it.
00:12:04.000 So here is what we cut regarding Big Balls that day. 0.98
00:12:11.000 He's got big balls! 0.98
00:12:13.000 Oh, such big balls! 1.00
00:12:15.000 Truly big balls! 1.00
00:12:16.000 Big balls! 0.99
00:12:18.000 Biggest of big balls! 0.99
00:12:20.000 Come back, big balls! 1.00
00:12:22.000 We need you, big balls! 1.00
00:12:24.000 Cause he's got the biggest balls of them all! 0.99
00:12:29.000 Who among us doesn't feel better about big balls? 0.99
00:12:34.000 That kid is a legend. 0.98
00:12:35.000 The funny thing is, the only person who you know does not feel better about big balls is Rachel Maddow. 0.95
00:12:40.000 That's true. 0.98
00:12:41.000 Doesn't matter to her at all. 0.99
00:12:43.000 It doesn't like any balls. 1.00
00:12:44.000 I reckon that woman's a dog. 1.00
00:12:47.000 Maybe. Oh, I think she loves the ladies in the ladies' love. 1.00
00:12:51.000 She's straighter than that Australian guy. 1.00
00:12:54.000 Yeah, she would beat the guys. 1.00
00:12:56.000 She would, yeah.
00:12:57.000 Stop it. 1.00
00:12:57.000 Shut up. 1.00
00:12:58.000 I will come through that prompter. 1.00
00:13:01.000 I've never seen a super gay Australian. 0.89
00:13:04.000 You think of them as rugged and masculine. 0.53
00:13:06.000 Oh, yeah.
00:13:07.000 It's very effeminate.
00:13:07.000 It's kind of funny.
00:13:08.000 Yeah, but then they have thunder from down under.
00:13:10.000 What? Yeah, but that's for women usually, isn't it? 1.00
00:13:13.000 Supposedly. I've been to one.
00:13:15.000 What? Well, when you were there, it was gay. 1.00
00:13:19.000 What the hell are we talking about? 0.98
00:13:20.000 When you're not there, it's heterosexual. 0.98
00:13:21.000 You don't know Thunder from Down Under?
00:13:23.000 No, and I don't know that I want to now that I'm the context.
00:13:26.000 It's the world's most premier male review.
00:13:28.000 Yes. Wait a minute.
00:13:32.000 Yeah. That doesn't sound right.
00:13:34.000 No, no.
00:13:35.000 It's a review.
00:13:35.000 It makes it sound a lot more sophisticated than it is.
00:13:38.000 Yeah. Okay.
00:13:39.000 The lead-in is a little one-act about Watergate.
00:13:41.000 He's not wrong?
00:13:43.000 I don't know that we want to see...
00:13:44.000 No! Hey! 0.99
00:13:46.000 Hey! Hey! 0.97
00:13:48.000 That might fly with those...
00:13:49.000 Look at those muscles!
00:13:50.000 That might fly with those kiwis. 1.00
00:13:52.000 A couple of hopscotches over.
00:13:53.000 Not over here.
00:13:54.000 We're a penal colony.
00:13:55.000 Step aside, Chippendale.
00:13:57.000 Penale. Where's 154 red bellies when you need them? 1.00
00:14:02.000 He had a flat belly.
00:14:04.000 A ribbed belly.
00:14:06.000 I'll bet you he's had work done.
00:14:07.000 Yeah? He has?
00:14:10.000 So, we came up with a New Year's theme 7 plus 1 to kick off 2025.
00:14:16.000 I don't know why we kept having to push it off for one reason or another until it was no longer New Year's.
00:14:20.000 Kind of like saying Happy New Year's.
00:14:21.000 You don't know when it sort of crosses over, but if you're in February, you're like, okay, I don't really...
00:14:25.000 I'm not going to say it anymore.
00:14:26.000 But that's what Scrapyard shows are for, which brings us to...
00:14:30.000 You have a stinger, right?
00:14:31.000 Yeah. Which brings us to this year's 7 plus 1. So this is 7 plus 1 New Year's,
00:14:46.000 well, leftist New Year's resolutions.
00:14:48.000 In April.
00:14:48.000 There we go.
00:14:49.000 In April.
00:14:50.000 In April.
00:14:50.000 There you go.
00:14:51.000 All right.
00:14:52.000 And some of these have Photoshop's.
00:14:55.000 Josh, Mr. Firestein, take number 7. Rachel Maddow is going to finally grow her hair out.
00:15:01.000 Oh! Well, that's...
00:15:02.000 Hey! Hey! 0.97
00:15:06.000 It's Doik Dynasty! 1.00
00:15:08.000 Nice. It's Nurse Strange.
00:15:15.000 Duke Dynasty.
00:15:17.000 That's great.
00:15:18.000 It took me a second.
00:15:19.000 I thought he said Duck Dynasty, and I'm like, okay.
00:15:24.000 Switch the letter.
00:15:28.000 The 7 plus 1 leftist New Year's resolutions.
00:15:30.000 Gerald, number 6. The young Turks will accept that they are, in fact, the old Turks. 0.99
00:15:34.000 Ah, long in the tooth.
00:15:38.000 Number five.
00:15:39.000 Ariana Grande is going to get her goal weight of zero. 1.00
00:15:43.000 Oh, I would have thought for sure we'd have a photo shot.
00:15:45.000 I know, of like anorexic Ariana Grande. 0.85
00:15:47.000 Oh, I want to do number four.
00:15:49.000 Seven plus one, leftist New Year's resolutions.
00:15:51.000 Number four, James Carville is going to finally release his new cookbook.
00:15:57.000 I was just about to do Australian.
00:15:59.000 Hold on, let me read it.
00:15:59.000 No, no, no, no.
00:16:00.000 Shake it off, shake it off.
00:16:01.000 Shake it off.
00:16:02.000 All right.
00:16:03.000 James Carville is going to finally release his new cookbook, Recipes from the Swamp!
00:16:12.000 I don't even know if that's a Photoshop or just a...
00:16:15.000 No, it's not.
00:16:15.000 It just looks real.
00:16:16.000 Or just from his album.
00:16:17.000 Everything calls for a half cup of mud.
00:16:19.000 Oh, no.
00:16:20.000 Oh, half cup of mud in there.
00:16:21.000 A mud in there. 1.00
00:16:22.000 That's the best part.
00:16:23.000 Gotta get dirty up to get stuck in your gums.
00:16:26.000 That's right.
00:16:26.000 You do some of the bog mud.
00:16:28.000 That's kind of like a mayonnaise on my...
00:16:31.000 Bog Swamp Sandwich.
00:16:33.000 Yeah, we call that a Bayou Dijon!
00:16:40.000 I hate that food.
00:16:41.000 Really? So bad.
00:16:43.000 I like Cajun food.
00:16:44.000 No. You don't like crawfish etouffee?
00:16:45.000 There is nothing about crawfish etouffee.
00:16:47.000 Data strips?
00:16:48.000 Or anything else.
00:16:49.000 Yes, I love too much paprika.
00:16:52.000 Oh, come on now. 0.98
00:16:53.000 Come on.
00:16:54.000 You're denigrating an entire region of people.
00:16:56.000 Sure. We should have never bought it.
00:16:58.000 All right.
00:16:59.000 Number three, seven plus one New Year's resolutions, Firestein.
00:17:02.000 Oprah is going to go to the gym every day. 1.00
00:17:04.000 Oh, I'm sorry.
00:17:05.000 She's going to go to Jimmy John's every day.
00:17:07.000 What? I thought she was going to get physically fit. 1.00
00:17:10.000 No. The worst part about Oprah, do you guys remember in the 90s, it was an epidemic of her always, she was dispensing some kind of diet or health advice. 0.80
00:17:23.000 It's like, yeah, yeah, I'm sure it works for you.
00:17:25.000 We'll wait a couple weeks.
00:17:26.000 Yes. There's a surefire way to lose weight and then gain it back.
00:17:31.000 Yeah. She always had a new Surefire Way, which was confusing.
00:17:34.000 Because she did.
00:17:35.000 If you have a Surefire Way, you don't need another one.
00:17:37.000 She did lose a lot of weight a lot of times.
00:17:39.000 Well, that's when she was on the Gayle King diet. 1.00
00:17:42.000 Oh, just eat and snatch. 0.72
00:17:44.000 Oh. That's a high-calorie diet.
00:17:49.000 Sorry, they're just pals.
00:17:51.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:17:52.000 No, no, no.
00:17:53.000 Stedman knows how to love a long time.
00:17:56.000 I'm on the carpet diet.
00:18:00.000 Call me Stanley Steamer.
00:18:01.000 Eating text oils.
00:18:03.000 They don't do that.
00:18:04.000 Alright, number two, leftist New Year's resolutions.
00:18:07.000 Kamala Harris is going to stop drinking before noon. 0.85
00:18:10.000 That's more of a fact.
00:18:12.000 We don't know if that ever went through.
00:18:15.000 And number one, Geraldine, number one leftist New Year's resolution.
00:18:19.000 Disneyland is actually adding a new part called DEI Kingdom.
00:18:24.000 Sorry. Don't get eaten by Gator.
00:18:28.000 And the plus one is actually seven plus one New Year's resolutions.
00:18:31.000 Brian Stelter is going to try, but then he's going to, and I know usually you'd play us out, but we have a bunch of others too, because this is one.
00:18:43.000 By the way, you know what?
00:18:51.000 It's not really fair.
00:18:52.000 Brian Stelter is not as big as you think.
00:18:53.000 That's a shellfish reaction. 0.99
00:18:55.000 Oh, come on. 0.87
00:18:57.000 It's puffy.
00:19:00.000 We had some additional leftist...
00:19:02.000 Oh, I thought you were like, I was a dig at noodles.
00:19:05.000 I thought you were saying like shellfish, like he's hogging that sandwich.
00:19:08.000 No, no, no.
00:19:09.000 I was saying it was a shellfish reaction because, you know...
00:19:11.000 Oh, I see.
00:19:12.000 It's a scrapyard.
00:19:13.000 It doesn't have to be great.
00:19:17.000 Fine. So these are the New Year's resolutions.
00:19:19.000 We can go through them.
00:19:20.000 First of all, Josh, what is it?
00:19:21.000 It's... Whoopi Goldberg is going to finally get tested for lice.
00:19:25.000 What? I don't have lice, child!
00:19:29.000 Jeez. Yeah, still just act like there's no bad evidence.
00:19:31.000 No, don't shoot the lice.
00:19:32.000 And another way, Joe Biden is going to transition from diapers to pull-ups.
00:19:36.000 Good for him.
00:19:37.000 Making progress.
00:19:40.000 I'm a big boy now.
00:19:44.000 Craps his pants.
00:19:46.000 One of my favorite moments of all time was his rage at Donald Trump.
00:19:50.000 It was like the rage.
00:19:54.000 He forgot about the rage.
00:19:56.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:19:57.000 I know.
00:19:58.000 It's like Harrison Ford presidential kick him off your plane rage.
00:20:00.000 Yes, exactly.
00:20:02.000 Get out of my pull-up.
00:20:03.000 Now, Gerald, the next one.
00:20:05.000 Oh, yeah, this one with his upcoming tie-off. 0.91
00:20:07.000 Yeah, with his upcoming tie-off, Pete Buttigieg will have another butt baby. 0.58
00:20:12.000 Oh, that's nice for the nobody. 0.98
00:20:15.000 Child who's going through mental abuse right now.
00:20:17.000 Proper term is toilet baby now.
00:20:19.000 Oh, yeah.
00:20:21.000 Another one, Brian Seltzer will make over his man cave. 0.99
00:20:24.000 And now he's going to have a Photoshop, which is clearly gay. 1.00
00:20:27.000 Because his man cave is gay. 1.00
00:20:28.000 What was the next one, Josh? 0.99
00:20:30.000 I don't even know why.
00:20:30.000 There's two of them.
00:20:31.000 Can I choose one?
00:20:32.000 Choose one, yeah.
00:20:33.000 AOC is going to finally learn how to make a Jack and Coke.
00:20:37.000 Oh, it involves dancing.
00:20:40.000 Hopefully. That's the only way I would, you know, Jack and Coke.
00:20:44.000 So another one is, oh, Hillary Clinton is going to stop murdering people. 1.00
00:20:50.000 Unlikely. Unlikely.
00:20:53.000 This one doesn't even make sense.
00:20:54.000 Gavin Newsom's going to stop playing with matches.
00:20:57.000 Oh, because they were fires.
00:20:58.000 Oh! At the time, this was hot.
00:21:03.000 This was hot stuff.
00:21:04.000 This was hot off the press.
00:21:07.000 This was extra, extra.
00:21:08.000 No one should read all about it.
00:21:12.000 Chuck Schumer's gonna take barbecue classes.
00:21:14.000 Thanks for stealing the phone.
00:21:15.000 I did, yeah, absolutely, because you were pausing.
00:21:17.000 That one's good because of the cheese.
00:21:19.000 He put the cheese on the burger on the grill.
00:21:20.000 This one I want to explain.
00:21:22.000 A joke is always best when it needs explaining.
00:21:25.000 This one was written about someone in Congress who I don't know who they are, but their name sounds like a baseball player, so it's confusing.
00:21:32.000 David Ortiz is gonna stop skipping leg day.
00:21:34.000 I think that's a crippled guy. 1.00
00:21:37.000 I think that's a wheelchair guy.
00:21:40.000 Shows how much we care.
00:21:43.000 I'm not going to lie to you.
00:21:44.000 I don't know.
00:21:44.000 He could be.
00:21:46.000 Let's say he is.
00:21:47.000 Makes it funnier.
00:21:49.000 Makes it passable.
00:21:50.000 Michelle Obama.
00:21:51.000 These are leftist New Year's resolutions.
00:21:52.000 Michelle Obama will finally work on her traps.
00:21:56.000 Just kidding.
00:21:58.000 It's her strong suit.
00:21:59.000 She doesn't need any trap work. 0.98
00:22:01.000 It's always trap day.
00:22:03.000 This one's really messed up.
00:22:06.000 I'm trying to remember.
00:22:06.000 Yeah, when we wrote this, it was after.
00:22:08.000 Okay, you'll understand why.
00:22:09.000 It was already after.
00:22:11.000 Go ahead and read it, Josh.
00:22:13.000 Jimmy Carter will be taking some time off.
00:22:15.000 He was dead!
00:22:17.000 Well, so will Val Kilmer.
00:22:20.000 Yikes, Gerald.
00:22:21.000 Well, I mean, read The Room.
00:22:23.000 I'm a fan, and it's sad.
00:22:25.000 It is sad because he's under 95. Uh-huh, yeah.
00:22:28.000 You're all torn up about it.
00:22:29.000 Yeah, you're a real maverick.
00:22:30.000 Sure. Okay, I'm just going to rattle through these.
00:22:33.000 I'm a saint.
00:22:33.000 What are you talking about?
00:22:34.000 One of them is Joy Behar will finally find out what smell is.
00:22:37.000 Bang. Jay-Z is going to sleep with fewer minors.
00:22:44.000 Diddy's going to throw less parties. 1.00
00:22:47.000 Elliot Page is seriously thinking about transitioning into something.
00:22:50.000 Justin Trudeau will be getting back with the gang for a new minstrel show tour.
00:22:54.000 That one could have been good with a Photoshop.
00:23:00.000 Alec Baldwin is applying for his concealed carry permit.
00:23:05.000 Yeah, I'd be worried.
00:23:06.000 Forgive me if I think he's a little rusty. 0.99
00:23:10.000 Shut up, shellfish! 1.00
00:23:13.000 Damn! You started this. 1.00
00:23:18.000 You did.
00:23:19.000 You started this, and I was trying to make it so you didn't feel like you were alone in it, and then you made me feel like I was alone in it. 1.00
00:23:26.000 Piece of shit. 0.99
00:23:31.000 Tim Walls is going to try and get that head coaching job. 1.00
00:23:34.000 Good for him.
00:23:35.000 Is that a football thing or is that a sexual thing?
00:23:38.000 I don't know.
00:23:38.000 I don't understand the next one at all.
00:23:40.000 Tom Hanks is going to make more time for Greece.
00:23:43.000 What? Because he's a Greek citizen because he's an accused pedophile. 0.99
00:23:48.000 Huh. You can be a pedophile in Greece. 0.99
00:23:51.000 It's a whole thing that's... 0.96
00:23:52.000 I didn't write it.
00:23:53.000 This next one doesn't work anymore.
00:23:54.000 Harry Sisson is going to have to find a new sugar daddy. 0.87
00:23:57.000 But now we know he's not gay. 0.93
00:23:59.000 Yeah, well...
00:24:01.000 We can hope.
00:24:03.000 Let's just do the last one because we don't need the rest.
00:24:06.000 The last one, Josh.
00:24:07.000 Stephen Colbert is going to try comedy.
00:24:09.000 Oh, hey!
00:24:10.000 There you go.
00:24:10.000 That's a novel idea.
00:24:11.000 This has been the Way Too Long This Year 7 Plus 1. I want to vindicate Josh.
00:24:24.000 David Ortiz is a wheelchair guy.
00:24:26.000 Now it's funny again.
00:24:29.000 No, wait.
00:24:30.000 Hey, alley-oop me.
00:24:31.000 Alley-oop me.
00:24:34.000 Boom! You guys hear the donk?
00:24:36.000 Yeah. Oh, I missed mine.
00:24:37.000 And you missed a second one. 0.98
00:24:39.000 We need a black guy in here. 0.98
00:24:41.000 So... I've been saying that for a while. 0.97
00:24:44.000 I know, but for different reasons.
00:24:45.000 That's when you came back from Thunder Down Under.
00:24:47.000 You were just...
00:24:50.000 That's his review.
00:24:51.000 He's used to a certain, you know...
00:24:54.000 I prefer Thunder from Deep South.
00:24:56.000 Yes. That's because you got them swamp boys.
00:24:59.000 They're swamp ass! 1.00
00:25:00.000 They used to call me Swamp Thing! 1.00
00:25:04.000 James Carville is a member of Thunder Down Under?
00:25:07.000 Gross. We're presenting now, coming up to the stage, Swamp Thing!
00:25:11.000 Get it now!
00:25:12.000 Get it!
00:25:13.000 Get it!
00:25:14.000 Shake your Swamp Thing! 1.00
00:25:16.000 Come on! 0.61
00:25:17.000 Fiddle with it!
00:25:18.000 Go on like it's a gator strip now! 0.94
00:25:20.000 Nah? Nah?
00:25:23.000 That's so stupid. 1.00
00:25:24.000 That's James Carville's Gatorboppers! 1.00
00:25:29.000 Carville and the Gatorboppers! 0.97
00:25:31.000 Etouffee and naked people! 1.00
00:25:33.000 That's right, that's some old Carville Caramel!
00:25:36.000 What? You're gross! 0.99
00:25:38.000 Oh, James Carville and the Gumbo Girl! 1.00
00:25:40.000 I'm horny!
00:25:42.000 Alright, so... 0.72
00:25:44.000 You might remember a few weeks back when this European member of Parliament, Raphael Glucksmann, far-left Frenchman, demanded that Americans return the Statue of Liberty to France.
00:25:56.000 Here's a refresher.
00:25:58.000 Et nous allons dire aux Américains qui ont choisi de basculer du côté des tyrans, aux Américains qui virent les chercheurs pour avoir ces preuves de liberté scientifique,
00:26:13.000 d'abord, rendez-nous la statue de la liberté.
00:26:20.000 On vous en a fait cadeau, on vous en a fait cadeau, mais apparemment on vous l'a méprisé.
00:26:29.000 As a man who speaks French, I still do readily admit that there's no way for it to not sound gay. 1.00
00:26:39.000 That's true.
00:26:41.000 I can't even do it.
00:26:43.000 American? Well, it sounds very different from French-Canadian.
00:26:45.000 Like, okay, I'll give it to you.
00:26:47.000 Without even speaking French, see if you can hear the difference. 1.00
00:26:49.000 Like, French-Canadian is redneck, and French from France is, like, please get me a penis. 0.99
00:26:53.000 So, like, French-Canadian would be like, ah, si carliste, j'allais au camping, pis j'ai claqué mon windshield. 0.99
00:27:00.000 Right? It doesn't sound pretty...
00:27:01.000 Si je suis parisien, j'aime sucer le penis. 0.99
00:27:08.000 I got the last part. 0.99
00:27:09.000 I heard penis. 0.99
00:27:10.000 Donc, un petit peu... 1.00
00:27:12.000 J'aime mieux le penis. 1.00
00:27:17.000 I feel like you have to do that thing with your mouth. 1.00
00:27:27.000 But you make it look like a butt hole. 0.97
00:27:29.000 Sure, because it's what I do when I look "Tunder Down Under". 0.75
00:27:37.000 Back that up over here.
00:27:40.000 So, we came up with a bunch of different bits of the Statue of Liberty thing, giving it back before we ended up landing on, and you saw these photoshops, Gluckman's backup offer.
00:27:52.000 Oh, that's right.
00:27:54.000 A historic show where we take it for, I think it was 40 cases of French wine.
00:28:00.000 Nude Beaches.
00:28:01.000 Nude Beaches and half of Gerard Depardieu.
00:28:03.000 I don't know why we went with half of Gerard Depardieu.
00:28:05.000 Because it's funny.
00:28:06.000 Leave that to me.
00:28:07.000 I don't know.
00:28:08.000 It's funnier.
00:28:09.000 Yeah, it is funnier.
00:28:10.000 It is funny.
00:28:11.000 That's not even the first iteration of half of Gerard Depardieu.
00:28:13.000 We saw it and we're like, that's wrong.
00:28:15.000 Yeah, we were like, no, we need just the top half.
00:28:17.000 Yeah. And we need it to be a little bloody and he's got to be smiling.
00:28:20.000 Yes. And then we also had another Photoshop as to what Donald Trump was going to use the cash for after pawning the Statue of Liberty.
00:28:26.000 And then it was using, yeah, Teslas.
00:28:28.000 Yeah. Skis.
00:28:29.000 Didn't we end up using that somewhere else?
00:28:30.000 No, we did.
00:28:31.000 We did use it.
00:28:31.000 Oh, okay.
00:28:32.000 We did use it.
00:28:33.000 What you didn't see was our first idea, which was President Trump proposed giving it up and replacing it with a statue of RFK.
00:28:44.000 Actually, no, it kind of...
00:28:45.000 Yeah. I kind of don't mind it.
00:28:49.000 I forgot.
00:28:51.000 I think we did it and then someone was like, why does he have a zin?
00:28:54.000 I'm like, don't you know he had a zin at the hearing, at the confirmation? 1.00
00:28:57.000 I'm like, ah, I guess if you don't...
00:28:58.000 You gotta cut it.
00:28:58.000 Just cut it.
00:28:59.000 Yeah, you gotta cut it.
00:29:01.000 I thought that was pretty funny.
00:29:04.000 I think you would.
00:29:07.000 For 71, he looks pretty jacked.
00:29:09.000 Yeah. Which is exactly what you can expect if you get the jacked up fitness power rack.
00:29:15.000 Yeah. The pro.
00:29:16.000 Actually, right now.
00:29:16.000 I think they're out of, or right now, temporarily out of the Evolution because so many of you went and purchased it.
00:29:22.000 I know they're adding more stock to it, but the jacked-up Power Rack Pro is the best.
00:29:27.000 It's the top of the line where you'll never need to upgrade anything.
00:29:30.000 The pulley system is incredible.
00:29:31.000 We have one here at the office, Jim.
00:29:33.000 It's what we largely use.
00:29:35.000 It comes with a full set of their branded bumper plates.
00:29:38.000 And by the way, that means they're all the same diameter, which makes it quite convenient, for example, if you have to deadlift and you don't want to have to do a deficit.
00:29:43.000 They have a fully adjustable incline-decline bench, which comes with it.
00:29:47.000 And they also, by the way, have some daily video workouts.
00:29:50.000 Oh, yeah.
00:29:51.000 We don't necessarily need this, but if you're new and you're getting started, they're very helpful.
00:29:53.000 You just hit play and you can go watch their videos.
00:29:56.000 So use the promo code CROWDER, save 10% off your entire purchase, and go to getjackedup.com.
00:30:04.000 What does it say?
00:30:05.000 Someone tried to thought this was cute.
00:30:06.000 It says gravelly voice not included.
00:30:08.000 That's not good, guys.
00:30:11.000 Are they giving us jokes?
00:30:13.000 That's no good.
00:30:14.000 Maybe. Gravelly voice not included.
00:30:16.000 Is it just me?
00:30:16.000 And I have this written twice, the commercial in front of me.
00:30:19.000 All right.
00:30:20.000 RFK, let's go JFK.
00:30:22.000 Okay. Help me out here.
00:30:28.000 I don't think we should do the gunshots.
00:30:33.000 Hey, Billy saved it, Gerald.
00:30:35.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:30:36.000 Just make sure that if we're talking JFK, the gunshot, there's a ricochet sound of a second shooter.
00:30:41.000 I'm trying to remember where this is going because I'm like, how tasteless is this going to be?
00:30:46.000 Every time I do this, I'm always a little worried because it's either something like, okay, shouldn't have made air, or it's something that we absolutely did not want the public to see.
00:30:54.000 And when I'm thinking JFK and what's been surrounding it, I'm like, this could go sideways.
00:30:58.000 Are we going to be like, it was the Jews! 1.00
00:31:00.000 Yeah, well, I mean, we're obviously all starting from that premise.
00:31:05.000 So, are there a lot of, I don't know.
00:31:07.000 There was a rabbi on the grassy knoll.
00:31:10.000 So, just look.
00:31:11.000 We'll go back in time.
00:31:11.000 Okay? Get a scrapyard.
00:31:13.000 Recently, President Trump appeared at the Kennedy Center and announced the release of the JFK files.
00:31:17.000 We are tomorrow announcing and giving all of the Kennedy files.
00:31:27.000 So people have been waiting for decades for this.
00:31:31.000 I don't believe we're going to redact anything.
00:31:32.000 I said, just don't redact.
00:31:34.000 You can't redact.
00:31:34.000 Have you seen what's in the files?
00:31:36.000 Have you read them?
00:31:36.000 I've heard about them.
00:31:39.000 It's going to be very interesting.
00:31:41.000 It's many pages.
00:31:42.000 Is it 80,000 pages?
00:31:44.000 Approximately 80,000 pages.
00:31:46.000 It's a lot of stuff.
00:31:48.000 And you'll make your own determination.
00:31:51.000 My prediction?
00:31:52.000 It was murder.
00:31:56.000 So we had some other material here this day, which was that rumblings...
00:32:01.000 Oh, okay.
00:32:02.000 I remember this.
00:32:03.000 Yeah. I don't like it.
00:32:06.000 Rumblings are it was really Ted Cruz's dad all along.
00:32:09.000 Uh-oh.
00:32:13.000 And it was take your kid to work day.
00:32:19.000 And Alex Jones was right all along.
00:32:26.000 And I think this is because that was not Dealey Plaza at all.
00:32:29.000 No, that's what it was.
00:32:30.000 We're like, what?
00:32:30.000 It's like a fence and a road.
00:32:33.000 You'll never see it coming.
00:32:35.000 Little Ted Cruz with big Ted Cruz head and a lollipop.
00:32:38.000 That is fun.
00:32:39.000 It saves it a little.
00:32:40.000 That is fun, but for some reason we thought the historical accuracy as to the location was the rate-limiting factor.
00:32:47.000 In this.
00:32:48.000 We had other jokes.
00:32:49.000 We had other ones.
00:32:50.000 No, that works.
00:32:50.000 That works out pretty well.
00:32:51.000 By the way, I thought it was hilarious that all this did, he's like, ah, it's pretty eye-opening. 0.85
00:32:55.000 All this did was make people go, the Jews killed Kennedy! 1.00
00:32:59.000 Because they're like, oh, the CIA redacted the Israel stuff and all the Jews stuff. 0.59
00:33:03.000 But they didn't!
00:33:03.000 That's the funny thing, they didn't, because people were like, they redacted, like, you're reading Israel right here!
00:33:07.000 No, I know, exactly.
00:33:08.000 We talked about that, but when he said that, now that I know, like, in hindsight, I'm like...
00:33:13.000 Either he knew exactly what he was doing or he had no idea what he was doing there.
00:33:16.000 Right. Hey, I had a question.
00:33:17.000 Do you have some of the BTS slots in there at all?
00:33:21.000 Because I don't know.
00:33:22.000 No? I think I could get them, yeah.
00:33:24.000 Okay. If you want to grab a couple, we can combine that here with the scrapyard.
00:33:28.000 Here's the other story that we had covered.
00:33:30.000 Guys, did I miss anything?
00:33:31.000 Anyone want to?
00:33:32.000 No. Just me.
00:33:33.000 I think you're good.
00:33:33.000 Hey, well, hold on.
00:33:34.000 One quick question.
00:33:35.000 Oh, yeah?
00:33:36.000 Did you see on the Statue of Liberty how they said that that was actually a satanic?
00:33:41.000 Who did?
00:33:43.000 Somebody was on Joe Rogan's show.
00:33:44.000 He said it was actually a statue of Satan.
00:33:47.000 Can you pull up the side-by-side for that?
00:33:48.000 The Statue of Liberty and Satan?
00:33:50.000 They're saying that it was like an ancient...
00:33:52.000 It looks exactly like Satan because it's a far too masculine-looking woman. 1.00
00:33:57.000 I did always think it was a pretty manly-looking woman. 1.00
00:33:59.000 It is a little manly.
00:34:00.000 I'll give you that.
00:34:02.000 This person has a shackle on their ankle just like this satanic statue did.
00:34:06.000 That right there.
00:34:07.000 Oh my god!
00:34:09.000 So, what's really interesting, do me a favor, find the painting of Lucifer and get the full painting, because when you look at it like that, you're like, wow, that looks pretty similar.
00:34:16.000 No, both arms are up in that painting.
00:34:17.000 Exactly. In the painting, both arms are up, the legs are spread, kind of like staggered, like they're taking a stance or something like that, I can't remember.
00:34:24.000 But this made the rounds when everybody saw it, like, I can't believe it, and this guy's like, look, it's Lucifer!
00:34:30.000 It's a Statue of Liberty.
00:34:31.000 And it's the French.
00:34:32.000 It's a statue and it's a picture.
00:34:35.000 We don't actually know what Lucifer looks like.
00:34:37.000 That's true.
00:34:38.000 But if they're saying, hey, this is Lucifer.
00:34:40.000 I mean, the Koreans think that Jesus is ripped and has slanted eyes.
00:34:43.000 Yes, I know.
00:34:45.000 I mean, I believe he's ripped, but I think he had eyes wide open.
00:34:48.000 He used the jacked up fitness.
00:34:50.000 Yes, he did.
00:34:52.000 What do you think he went away for three days to do, Josh?
00:34:54.000 Yeah. He wanted to get in shape, get ripped, come back.
00:34:57.000 Yeah, he needed three days of recovery.
00:34:58.000 There you go.
00:34:59.000 Get that pump on. 0.81
00:35:01.000 Celebrate Easter with a jacked up...
00:35:03.000 Oh, God.
00:35:04.000 Jacked up Jesus.
00:35:05.000 Jacked up evolution.
00:35:07.000 Resurrect yourself. 1.00
00:35:09.000 From the three days of being a pussy. 1.00
00:35:12.000 One guess why Gerald wanted to pull this painting. 1.00
00:35:15.000 I didn't know that.
00:35:16.000 Wow, Gerald.
00:35:18.000 You begged us.
00:35:19.000 No one brought this up.
00:35:20.000 Gerald wanted it.
00:35:21.000 I didn't realize that.
00:35:23.000 Am I the only one, though, who does recognize that, hey, whoever did a very respectable job on Lucifer's wheels.
00:35:29.000 Nice quads.
00:35:30.000 Yeah, that's some good legs. 1.00
00:35:32.000 Yeah, he can move.
00:35:33.000 Satan never skips leg day.
00:35:35.000 No, he definitely does not.
00:35:36.000 Same thing with the statue of David.
00:35:37.000 You know, it's funny. 0.99
00:35:39.000 Tiny penis, everything else. 1.00
00:35:40.000 Aside from the tiny penis. 1.00
00:35:41.000 But you look at the... 0.99
00:35:42.000 Which, by the way, I don't know why you have a problem with it.
00:35:45.000 No, it's hilarious that all the old...
00:35:46.000 It looks pretty big to me.
00:35:48.000 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
00:35:49.000 Okay, sure.
00:35:50.000 What are you, Chinese?
00:35:51.000 Yeah, okay, humble brag.
00:35:53.000 Jeez. Tall, handsome, and gifted.
00:35:57.000 You'd have to use a banana leaf on me.
00:35:59.000 A fig leaf won't cover it.
00:35:59.000 It's funny to me, because I'll talk about the differing, sort of changing standards of beauty in women.
00:36:03.000 And that's kind of true.
00:36:05.000 Not for men. 0.55
00:36:06.000 Even back then, it's like, oh yeah, for a very handsome man, you have to be jacked and ripped, which is very difficult to attain.
00:36:13.000 Can you bring up that statue, the famous David statue?
00:36:16.000 And you know, the one thing that you do notice, though, for sure, because you had a lot of athletes back then, when you're even going back to Greece, but you did have a lot of athletes, the original Olympians, they're jacked and they're ripped, but here's the primary difference that you notice, and this is kind of developed with the modern advent of weightlifting,
00:36:31.000 because they would lift up boulders, they'd lift up other people.
00:36:34.000 Very practical.
00:36:34.000 But there really was no horizontal, like a bench press.
00:36:37.000 So they typically always have pretty big legs.
00:36:40.000 And even for today, like, okay, a guy has big legs, pretty big shoulders, wiry arms, but they don't have the pecs.
00:36:45.000 The pecs kind of have to be artificially created.
00:36:47.000 You have to kind of position yourself horizontally.
00:36:49.000 Nowhere do you really do that naturally.
00:36:51.000 Yeah. You can do push-ups, I guess, but that's it.
00:36:53.000 It wouldn't get you, you know, like the Arnold pecs.
00:36:55.000 Like, it requires a lot of work.
00:36:56.000 But yeah, if we bring up the Statue of David.
00:36:58.000 Yeah, see?
00:37:00.000 Sunui, legs, and then if you look at the other soldiers back then, you're like, okay, but they never had big pecks.
00:37:04.000 Good set of nuts on that guy.
00:37:06.000 Big set of nuts. 1.00
00:37:07.000 Yeah, it's bigger than his penis. 1.00
00:37:08.000 Look at that. 1.00
00:37:09.000 That's normal, Gerald.
00:37:10.000 Okay, I'm sorry.
00:37:12.000 I'm just saying.
00:37:12.000 It's not weird.
00:37:14.000 Your nuts are supposed to be larger than your pecker.
00:37:17.000 It's nature's bench rest.
00:37:19.000 Yes. I can't say anything else on that.
00:37:25.000 So! A little while ago, we covered a Senate hearing where Rabbi Levi Shemtov raised the issue not only of anti-Semitism on campus, but he said it's not enough to not be anti-Semitic.
00:37:39.000 You have to be anti-Semitic.
00:37:43.000 Here's a refresher.
00:37:44.000 Anti-Semitism is not just an age-old prejudice.
00:37:47.000 It is a contemporary crisis manifesting on campuses across the nation.
00:37:53.000 It is not enough for individuals or institutions to merely claim they are not anti-Semitic.
00:37:58.000 As my father once taught me, it is not enough for people, especially public figures, to be neutral or not be anti-Semitic.
00:38:05.000 One must be anti-anti-Semitic.
00:38:08.000 We must demand the same of our universities and government institutions.
00:38:11.000 This hearing, in my opinion, is an attempt to be just that.
00:38:15.000 Anti-anti-Semitic.
00:38:17.000 I want to play that again.
00:38:19.000 It still makes me kind of angry.
00:38:22.000 I didn't notice before in the background, if you look, it kind of looks like the Orthodox Mafia, like the one guy. 0.89
00:38:28.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:38:28.000 But then if you look the back and watch this clip to his right, our left, it looks like that guy is constantly looking toward the door for like an active shooter scenario.
00:38:37.000 Watch. Anti-Semitism is not just an age-old prejudice.
00:38:41.000 What's that?
00:38:42.000 It's a contemporary crisis manifesting on campuses across the nation.
00:38:47.000 It is not enough for individuals or institutions to merely claim they are not anti-Semitic.
00:38:53.000 Whoa, whoa, those things are crossing a little bit.
00:38:56.000 People, especially public figures, to be neutral or not be anti-Semitic.
00:39:00.000 One must be anti-Semitic. 0.87
00:39:02.000 We must demand the same.
00:39:04.000 He keeps looking over.
00:39:05.000 He's looking at that Jewish guy.
00:39:06.000 He doesn't trust him.
00:39:08.000 Look, he keeps looking.
00:39:10.000 He keeps looking.
00:39:11.000 I wonder if there's a rabbi off camera with like a rattle. 0.87
00:39:16.000 Hey. What?
00:39:17.000 Hey! It's just weird.
00:39:19.000 The dreidel.
00:39:20.000 Hey! So, Rabbi, you can't say anti-anti-Semitic.
00:39:24.000 We, of course, asked what this rabbi wanted us to do to make our colleges more pro-Jew with this Photoshop. 0.81
00:39:31.000 Yeah. That's right.
00:39:33.000 Jew! Yeah. 1.00
00:39:35.000 What we didn't air was...
00:39:37.000 I never wore that shirt.
00:39:38.000 And the reason...
00:39:38.000 Scrapyard! By the way, just so you know, we are shielded from any and all legal liability.
00:39:43.000 Or offense that may be caused because it's Scrapyard.
00:39:45.000 Yeah, that's true.
00:39:46.000 Yeah, we didn't mean for this to happen.
00:39:48.000 We didn't actually air it.
00:39:49.000 Yeah. We talked about how we didn't air it.
00:39:51.000 Exactly. Right.
00:39:52.000 And referenced it.
00:39:53.000 It's completely different.
00:39:54.000 That is true.
00:39:54.000 Yeah. It's like saying the N-word in a rap song.
00:39:56.000 Yes. It's exactly like that.
00:40:01.000 What we didn't air was the other part of this bit.
00:40:05.000 So, to help with the cause, some campuses...
00:40:08.000 Alright, I'll go back as though in the present time.
00:40:09.000 To help with the cause, some campuses are offering free star of David armbands so that everyone knows who to be nice to.
00:40:18.000 Yeah, we needed the band.
00:40:23.000 The everything else wasn't enough.
00:40:26.000 The face that says, I make the bagels, wasn't enough.
00:40:33.000 That's a reference to the Dunkin' Donuts guy, right?
00:40:35.000 I make the donuts.
00:40:37.000 What happened to that guy?
00:40:38.000 He's probably dead.
00:40:39.000 The face that said, I could set your jewelry.
00:40:43.000 Yes, exactly.
00:40:44.000 Hey, come see me in the Diamond District.
00:40:46.000 Why do they all sound like that, by the way?
00:40:48.000 That rabbi had that accent.
00:40:49.000 He's from Reno.
00:40:50.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:40:53.000 I really don't know.
00:40:54.000 He's probably from New York.
00:40:55.000 This is a new watch.
00:40:56.000 And I always say, you know, I know what you're saying.
00:40:58.000 Is this watch battery-powered?
00:40:59.000 Is it solar-powered?
00:41:00.000 No, it's me-powered.
00:41:01.000 What do you got there?
00:41:03.000 Blues Clues?
00:41:05.000 No, no, no.
00:41:05.000 Timex? What do you got there?
00:41:06.000 Peppa Pig.
00:41:08.000 It's clock.
00:41:10.000 Yes. The one thing, though, with these watches, and I do like it, is the calendar always goes to 31. So you always have to reset it, like, on the first of the month.
00:41:19.000 Wait, you said you do like it?
00:41:20.000 No, I don't like it.
00:41:21.000 Oh, you don't.
00:41:22.000 I was about to say, yeah.
00:41:22.000 Why don't you take what I say and then pervert it?
00:41:24.000 No, I thought you said do.
00:41:25.000 I didn't say do.
00:41:25.000 Well, I mean, I just wasn't paying attention.
00:41:27.000 You didn't hear me say, I like it.
00:41:28.000 You heard me say, I don't like it.
00:41:30.000 Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
00:41:31.000 I heard you say that.
00:41:32.000 Why do you have to turn to him who sold me out over the crab being a crab and not a lobster and Little Mermaid?
00:41:38.000 You know that what you just said.
00:41:39.000 Why are you bringing this back up?
00:41:40.000 I'm bringing it back up because you're not a man of truth.
00:41:42.000 Actually, we don't even remember that.
00:41:43.000 Yeah. I think he's making it up.
00:41:45.000 That's made up.
00:41:45.000 Uh-oh.
00:41:47.000 Noodle's belly too, and I think Gerald's dropping acid again.
00:41:49.000 I didn't wash the Little Mermaid.
00:41:51.000 I'm not woke enough.
00:41:53.000 Nope. No.
00:41:53.000 I'm just saying you sold me out last time, and I haven't forgotten.
00:41:57.000 You know, you are vindictive for a big man.
00:42:00.000 I remember. 0.59
00:42:00.000 You are a very small person. 0.59
00:42:02.000 I remember. 1.00
00:42:05.000 Shut up. 1.00
00:42:06.000 You are petty and small-minded. 1.00
00:42:09.000 Thank you. 1.00
00:42:10.000 For such a large Aryan. 1.00
00:42:14.000 We're just talking about stand-up bits that you've had to scrap.
00:42:17.000 Yes. Do you have some that stick out?
00:42:19.000 There are some that I find funny.
00:42:22.000 Either I didn't get the point across right, or I didn't get the wording across right, but the audience didn't receive them as well as I'd hoped.
00:42:28.000 Okay. Like I did this one bit.
00:42:31.000 I've always had a fantasy of having sex with a deaf girl. 1.00
00:42:36.000 Deaf? Yeah. 1.00
00:42:37.000 Okay. Just so that she could sign her safe word.
00:42:40.000 Okay. It doesn't work?
00:42:42.000 No, and then I would, not really, a couple guys would laugh, but then I would turn around and go like, like that, and go, I'm surprised that didn't work.
00:42:50.000 I think it's the voice.
00:42:52.000 I think that's the part.
00:42:53.000 Oh. Because then I go, I don't know what that means.
00:42:55.000 Speak English, bitch. 1.00
00:42:58.000 Maybe if you add it, be like, well, the problem is after sleeping with, if you do that and tag it with the problem is after sleeping with multiple deaf women, turns out they all have the same safe word and sign. 0.99
00:43:08.000 It's... No!
00:43:12.000 How many ways can you sign stop?
00:43:15.000 I am surprised that didn't work.
00:43:17.000 I had a bit like that about Charlie Brown shooting up the school.
00:43:21.000 When I was young.
00:43:22.000 Really? That's very similar.
00:43:24.000 No, I'm just saying it was tough to make work because I had him holding Linus hostage and making him cuddle his blankie and saying his last words.
00:43:34.000 It was one of those things that was early on where it was too dark and I didn't know how to transition it into something funny.
00:43:38.000 I did have some things that I would have to...
00:43:39.000 So I had to scrap... 0.97
00:43:40.000 I had a bit about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the piece of crap grandfather who was a cripple until he knew he could get some free chocolate because... 1.00
00:43:48.000 John Mulaney ended up doing something very similar. 0.94
00:43:50.000 I was like, well, then people think that I lifted it.
00:43:53.000 Same thing I stopped doing.
00:43:54.000 Well, I kind of stopped doing the one bit that I did about Donald Trump at debates because Shane Gillis, and his is very funny, he did it even though after, like mine goes back to 2015, you can see a YouTube installment.
00:44:05.000 He did it on a special.
00:44:06.000 Yeah, he did it on a special.
00:44:07.000 You just don't want to feel like you run into the same territory.
00:44:10.000 Yeah. But, you know, I don't.
00:44:14.000 Yeah. Even any other bits that you scrapped, Josh?
00:44:18.000 Yeah, lots of...
00:44:19.000 I was going to say something, and then you went into the Shane Gillis thing.
00:44:26.000 Oh, it was a joke that I did.
00:44:27.000 It was exactly the same as somebody else's.
00:44:29.000 And I didn't want to keep doing it because I felt like I was lifting it.
00:44:32.000 I read Jim Gaffigan's book.
00:44:34.000 I read part of it.
00:44:35.000 And I actually stopped reading the book when I read the joke that I used to tell on stage, and it was right after my wife and I had our first baby.
00:44:40.000 And that's what I'd say.
00:44:40.000 I said, my wife and I just had our first baby.
00:44:42.000 It was delicious.
00:44:44.000 Okay. But that's what was in his book.
00:44:47.000 Word for word, that.
00:44:49.000 And then another time I had done that was, it's not the exact same joke, but it's the same style, and I feel like he owns it.
00:44:55.000 But Mitch Hedberg has a joke where he goes, I used to do drugs.
00:44:59.000 I still do drugs, but I used to, too.
00:45:02.000 And everyone knows that joke.
00:45:03.000 Every comic knows that joke.
00:45:04.000 And one time I was telling a story about my brother, and he has Down syndrome, and I said...
00:45:09.000 Right, okay.
00:45:11.000 Okay, Charlie Brown.
00:45:13.000 I said the words wrong. 0.99
00:45:16.000 I meant to say something like, growing up, my brother had Down syndrome, and then go into the story, but I said, when I was a kid, my brother had Down syndrome, and then, oh, he still does, but immediately I was like, oh, you friggin' hack. 0.93
00:45:27.000 No, but that was just like a word whisker. 0.94
00:45:30.000 That's funny.
00:45:30.000 A word whisker?
00:45:31.000 Well, I just mean, it's like, you know, you're...
00:45:33.000 It tickles you?
00:45:33.000 Well, no, you said it.
00:45:34.000 Well, did you write it or did you set it on the spot, you mean?
00:45:36.000 I set it on the spot.
00:45:37.000 Yeah, I think that's funny.
00:45:38.000 Yeah, well, I'm not going to do it again.
00:45:40.000 I mean, unless he's the first, like, he'd be a miracle of modern medicine if he just, like, woke up one day and came out looking like Jude Law.
00:45:48.000 You donated a chromosome.
00:45:49.000 What'd you do?
00:45:49.000 You just, you run some...
00:45:51.000 You've been doing that Instagram.
00:45:52.000 It's the other way around.
00:45:53.000 Down syndrome has an extra chromosome.
00:45:55.000 So it's like if they could surgically remove one and then his eyes would go back to normal, that would be incredible.
00:46:01.000 Here's another bit too about my brother.
00:46:03.000 See, there's a lot of bits about my brother I don't tell on stage because I'm like, there's no way.
00:46:07.000 I do a great impression of my brother, but I'm not going to do it because people are going to be so offended.
00:46:13.000 Why? He's your brother.
00:46:13.000 Don't let them take that from you.
00:46:14.000 Yeah, the voice feels like a little too much.
00:46:16.000 Really? Sometimes, yeah.
00:46:18.000 I'm not going to force anything you're uncomfortable with, but I want to see this.
00:46:24.000 I'm not going to do it.
00:46:25.000 No, I'm not going to do it.
00:46:26.000 Do it.
00:46:27.000 It's the live scrapping.
00:46:28.000 I told you!
00:46:31.000 I told you!
00:46:32.000 You ought to watch Nicky Foo in the house!
00:46:34.000 I don't even know him, but I feel like I'm there.
00:46:36.000 Yeah. I used to sleep eat.
00:46:40.000 What? Sleepy?
00:46:41.000 Sleepy? Yeah, I would get up in the middle of the night and eat food.
00:46:43.000 I didn't realize that it was me doing it until I was in the army, and I got caught by my platoon sergeant.
00:46:49.000 While he was sleeping, I was butt naked.
00:46:50.000 I slept naked.
00:46:51.000 We're in Afghanistan.
00:46:52.000 Whatever. I sleep naked always.
00:46:54.000 It's the only way to sleep. 0.95
00:46:56.000 Butt naked in front of him, eating the Oreos that his wife had just sent him. 0.84
00:47:00.000 No. I ate the whole container. 0.98
00:47:01.000 He said, I don't want to wake you up because, I mean, I could take you.
00:47:05.000 But sleep, you're not supposed to wake up with sleepwalking.
00:47:07.000 No, no, no, no.
00:47:09.000 Plus you're naked.
00:47:09.000 So I basically just right in front of him was eating the Oreos that his wife had sent.
00:47:13.000 And that's when I discovered that another guy was like, oh yeah, I saw you eating in your sleep the other month or whatever.
00:47:20.000 And so I was like, oh, have I been doing this my whole life?
00:47:21.000 And then it just had like a revelation in my head, like all the times in my life where I've been sleep eating and it got blamed on my brother.
00:47:28.000 Because he had down syndrome.
00:47:31.000 And so like my dad would find like cereal bowls with like just a little bit of milk in the bowl.
00:47:37.000 Hidden under the bathroom sink?
00:47:39.000 Yeah, of course you'd blame him.
00:47:40.000 And so that's my brother.
00:47:41.000 My brother will hang on to him for the rest of his life.
00:47:43.000 See, I told you! 1.00
00:47:44.000 You are the one sneaky fool in the house! 1.00
00:47:46.000 See, I don't even promise. 1.00
00:47:47.000 He's okay with it now.
00:47:49.000 I may have done since, but I'm not a monster.
00:47:52.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:47:53.000 I'm the monster just letting him take the blame for this.
00:47:56.000 Oh man, that's like a nightmare where you're screaming and nothing comes out.
00:47:59.000 Where he knows he's right and no one believes him.
00:48:02.000 It's not because he's actually doing it!
00:48:07.000 I've heard of that, and it is surprising, because I get night terrors, and it is surprising, but it's not as surprising as, for example, it would be really crazy if you woke up in the middle of the night, people found you sleep dieting.
00:48:18.000 Sleep dieting?
00:48:19.000 I wish I was.
00:48:21.000 Keeping a food journal.
00:48:22.000 I wish I had sleep bulimia.
00:48:26.000 Sleeper side.
00:48:27.000 And they blame it on your brother.
00:48:28.000 Ah! Ah, you puked in your brother's bed again! 1.00
00:48:31.000 No! Well, I'm just going to say that you did because it's easier for me to blame this on you than it is for me to get to the bottom of it.
00:48:39.000 You know what?
00:48:39.000 Hey, maybe.
00:48:41.000 Let me get in the short end of the stick, but this is part and parcel of being retarded. 1.00
00:48:44.000 We actually do have, I believe, yeah, we have some behind the scenes.
00:48:47.000 So for some people, this is the first time you're seeing this.
00:48:51.000 Well, not the show, but the first time you're seeing one of these segments behind the scenes.
00:48:54.000 BTS, the kids call it.
00:48:55.000 It's also a Korean band.
00:48:57.000 I believe.
00:48:58.000 It's a K-pop band. 0.97
00:48:59.000 Yeah, it stands for Big Trans Sex. 1.00
00:49:04.000 Okay. Alright, let's go with that. 0.99
00:49:06.000 I was going to say I can't tell the women from the men with the K-pop band, so I don't even know.
00:49:10.000 I don't know if it's supposed to be their equivalent to Spice Girls or NSYNC.
00:49:13.000 It's all the same to me.
00:49:14.000 That's why I like the United States of America, where the men are still men and the women... 0.99
00:49:19.000 All right, Korea, you got us on that one. 0.97
00:49:22.000 BTS, do you want to see how the sausage is made?
00:49:25.000 Here you go.
00:49:40.000 Okay, and action.
00:49:44.000 My name is Crowder, Commander.
00:49:46.000 I thought it was Carter Leder.
00:49:48.000 So sketches, a lot more goes into them than it might seem.
00:49:52.000 It's way more involved than I thought it would be.
00:49:56.000 It starts off with the writers.
00:49:57.000 I do write sketches that screw with people, personally.
00:50:00.000 Like Gerald.
00:50:04.000 Wardrobe, props.
00:50:05.000 I mean, I freaked out when I got here and I saw the production level.
00:50:08.000 I mean, just the wardrobe.
00:50:10.000 I've done shows at NBC and ABC.
00:50:12.000 They don't have that much wardrobe.
00:50:14.000 Visual effects.
00:50:14.000 I didn't realize what everyone here was capable of.
00:50:17.000 And so I was writing things, like, oh, we can't do that.
00:50:19.000 Can't do that.
00:50:20.000 And then Johnny Boyd would be like, why not?
00:50:22.000 I'm like, oh, because, well, I mean, it's got these multiple shots, and it's part of a movie.
00:50:26.000 It's a parody, and we've got to bring this.
00:50:28.000 And he's like, that's not for us to figure out.
00:50:31.000 Okay, we'll see if that gets made.
00:50:34.000 And then, sure enough, it's amazing.
00:50:35.000 I'm like, what?
00:50:37.000 There's so much that goes into a 20, 30-second clip on here.
00:50:42.000 Wow. At it!
00:50:44.000 It's your friend Colonel Slanders again!
00:50:46.000 We've done so many good things here.
00:50:48.000 What was the one where he was my psychiatrist? 0.78
00:50:50.000 Sinead O'Connor, who I couldn't help but picture in the back of my mind as the many f*** that Nick DiPaolo saw in my Rorschach test.
00:51:00.000 I'm sorry.
00:51:04.000 See you again in two months?
00:51:06.000 I like to bat monies a lot. 0.67
00:51:07.000 That's fun because I get to be...
00:51:08.000 I get to be a little wild.
00:51:11.000 And Josh? 1.00
00:51:12.000 Killer. Killer. 1.00
00:51:13.000 We're going to lose everything. 0.82
00:51:15.000 We're going to lose our country.
00:51:16.000 We're going to lose it.
00:51:16.000 I'm losing my mind here.
00:51:18.000 I just...
00:51:20.000 Take a lot of hits.
00:51:22.000 I do take a lot of hits.
00:51:22.000 I do a lot of falls.
00:51:24.000 I think physical comedy is funny.
00:51:26.000 Billy the Magician is probably my favorite in recent years.
00:51:29.000 I love getting to watch Josh get smashed over the head with a bottle.
00:51:34.000 And that magician's sleazy laugh.
00:51:38.000 And the best part is we've got to order those bottles.
00:51:42.000 We have a lot of stuff we do for each of those.
00:51:43.000 So every time we do that bid, it's about a $30 bid, at least.
00:51:47.000 Oh, the other thing is crowded with his impressions.
00:51:50.000 I know we did a few boys.
00:51:51.000 Back in the day, someone like Kamala Harris would say, I did sesame seed bun and french fries.
00:51:55.000 But now you have Donald Trump going like, Oh, she loves french fries.
00:51:58.000 She can't get enough of them.
00:52:01.000 She just does the machine, I guess.
00:52:03.000 French fries, onion rings.
00:52:05.000 Popeyes! I can't believe how talented he is, and I'm not just kissing his ass, because it's way too hairy to sweat. 1.00
00:52:12.000 I'm November 5th. 1.00
00:52:13.000 Don't interrupt, Macho Man.
00:52:14.000 November 5th, the choice is clear.
00:52:17.000 You want to have the Don or want to crush it right there.
00:52:24.000 I could just toss anything at Stephen, and he will just run with it with an impression.
00:52:30.000 CEOs financially armed to the teeth.
00:52:33.000 I'm doing a Brando thing, and they replaced me with Josh, who was doing a way better brand.
00:52:38.000 That was the best one yet.
00:52:41.000 I'm out of here.
00:52:42.000 You talking to me?
00:52:43.000 Oh, and I gotta say this.
00:52:45.000 The Nick Dipp, press secretary.
00:52:46.000 He also was the first guy to go see the midget. 0.98
00:52:49.000 Nick has no idea what he's getting himself into.
00:52:52.000 He just goes in there, they roll clips, and he rips.
00:52:55.000 And that's amazing to watch.
00:52:57.000 The view.
00:52:59.000 I love the view.
00:53:01.000 It's like a horse view.
00:53:02.000 We literally just find clips of people asking questions and then let Nick answer.
00:53:08.000 And it's so funny. 0.99
00:53:10.000 Don Lemon has to walk around in a gay nightclub with assless chaps. 1.00
00:53:15.000 He does that one take. 0.99
00:53:18.000 The 20 questions, 20 answers, one take, and then he's out of there.
00:53:21.000 And I'm like, dude, what a pro.
00:53:24.000 I can't believe I didn't do that.
00:53:26.000 Yeah, dead silence.
00:53:28.000 Just what I thought.
00:53:29.000 There's not another place in the industry where you could just change your role or say, hey, I want to try...
00:53:36.000 Mixing the show today, or I went over an audio, or, you know, you get to contribute, you get to be on cam.
00:53:44.000 I can't imagine writing for a show.
00:53:49.000 It was never really the goal for me to be a writer.
00:53:54.000 It's a dream I didn't know I had come true.
00:54:00.000 Three, two, and...
00:54:02.000 There are a lot of times, especially when it comes to advertisements, that we're finding we're shooting for a new sponsor or something the day before it's going to run.
00:54:13.000 So we'll shoot it early in the afternoon and we'll end up turning a spot for the next morning.
00:54:22.000 Don't let the IRS take advantage of you.
00:54:25.000 When it comes to the sketches of the show, I don't think people understand...
00:54:28.000 How much work goes into producing them?
00:54:31.000 We'll get the kneels separately.
00:54:32.000 We'll run through those.
00:54:33.000 I've learned a whole lot about what goes on behind the scenes over the last, really call it three, three and a half years.
00:54:40.000 Look at that.
00:54:41.000 Look, get it.
00:54:42.000 Get it.
00:54:42.000 There's definitely...
00:54:43.000 Yes, we can sell that.
00:54:44.000 The lighting, the boom, the costumes, the makeup, you name it.
00:54:48.000 And it's one of those things where you watch everybody sort of do their part and when everyone does it right, it comes together and it's an awesome thing.
00:54:57.000 Everything from the keying, the compositing, the sound design.
00:55:00.000 Stream! Stream! 0.97
00:55:02.000 Stream! Stream! 0.97
00:55:04.000 These are things that typically teams of people would take months and months to achieve, and we do it in record time with a skeleton crew, and it's because they're all rock stars.
00:55:13.000 Make way for the Emperor.
00:55:16.000 We're trying to do all of it.
00:55:17.000 We're trying to be factually accurate.
00:55:19.000 We're trying to be funny.
00:55:20.000 And then you're trying to make sure that you're presenting information that people can use.
00:55:24.000 And to do all of those things and, on top of that, record a bunch of sketches.
00:55:30.000 Absolutely rounding.
00:55:31.000 I don't want any foot fetish people getting my feet.
00:55:34.000 It's just everybody's so different, but mixes so well.
00:55:37.000 It's a lot of fun.
00:55:38.000 And, you know, we get to tease Gerald all the time.
00:55:41.000 And what a thick skin that guy's got.
00:55:44.000 You know what?
00:55:44.000 It's a great room.
00:55:46.000 First of all, Stephen can slip into any character at will, no matter what we're talking about.
00:55:50.000 I kind of...
00:55:51.000 It's sort of touch and go with the Jews right now. 0.98
00:55:54.000 And Gerald is smart as hell.
00:55:56.000 There's always going to be an adult in the room. 0.98
00:55:58.000 Save the Jews!
00:55:59.000 I can't figure him out.
00:56:01.000 I take pride.
00:56:02.000 And being able to read people.
00:56:04.000 I've known him for, what, a couple years now?
00:56:06.000 I have no idea. 0.99
00:56:07.000 He'll get mad at me if I make a d*** joke. 0.99
00:56:09.000 He'll go, oh, like it's shocking. 0.99
00:56:10.000 And then he'll hit a Holocaust joke in there.
00:56:12.000 Bad button right now.
00:56:14.000 I can't figure him out.
00:56:16.000 Josh is a stand-up.
00:56:17.000 Josh is naturally funny, and he can do characters.
00:56:19.000 And action.
00:56:21.000 Hey, I'm Colonel Slam.
00:56:23.000 And the guys that work the...
00:56:24.000 I don't want to forget about the guys that work the soundboard and all that other s***. 0.99
00:56:28.000 Not nearly as gay, but also gay. 0.99
00:56:31.000 Options are limited. 0.96
00:56:33.000 Noodles just jumped in there.
00:56:34.000 I was in a rhythm.
00:56:38.000 They were all like guys' guys.
00:56:41.000 And I think it makes for a good mix.
00:56:43.000 Like someone on an island who hasn't eaten in a while and your friend turns into a hot dog?
00:56:50.000 Guys, do you have a white mic, please?
00:56:54.000 Comedy is probably one of the most important things that the world...
00:56:58.000 Is desperately in need of right now.
00:57:00.000 Okay, it's for the greater good.
00:57:05.000 For me, the best part of working here is the challenge.
00:57:08.000 You know, doing all that we do in the time that we have it.
00:57:11.000 I get to solve problems all day.
00:57:13.000 Jesse, I think I know why the episode keeps changing.
00:57:16.000 I get to do it with people that I adore.
00:57:20.000 More like a family here, which sounds so cheesy.
00:57:25.000 That's the worst thing to say, but yeah, I live with these people.
00:57:29.000 They're my friends.
00:57:30.000 I think that secretly people do like me, although I am the only person on staff that Joe Lewis has bitten repeatedly.
00:57:41.000 I didn't even pet or look in Joe Lewis's direction and this happened.
00:57:47.000 Scaredy. When I'm on stage, I love it.
00:57:49.000 Doesn't matter where, whatever.
00:57:51.000 This is just nothing but fun.
00:57:52.000 It's great.
00:57:53.000 Doing something I love, doing something that matters.
00:57:54.000 Well, now she's grossing you out. 1.00
00:57:56.000 Let my kids see something that they can do someday.
00:58:00.000 Something that's actually realistic.
00:58:01.000 Like, I never had that growing up.
00:58:02.000 I never thought it was realistic to be an entertainer for a living, you know?
00:58:05.000 I thought that was crazy.
00:58:06.000 I think that's important to see.
00:58:08.000 I mean, to see your parents work hard and get what they want, rather than what I saw in my father, which was work hard and get what you get.
00:58:17.000 I don't think many people get that sort of opportunity.
00:58:21.000 I can't be!
00:58:21.000 I mean, you look at people that hate their jobs, and we go out there and they're just making ends to me.
00:58:27.000 I'm just blessed and lucky to be doing what I'm doing.
00:58:36.000 Cut. Oh, what's going to do right now?
00:58:40.000 We're going?
00:58:43.000 Then we're going to hang out in the Sesame Street set.
00:58:48.000 Can I ask you a personal question?
00:58:51.000 No. Can you hear that, Billy?
00:58:54.000 George's a Greek.
00:58:55.000 I hate that nickname, by the way.
00:58:56.000 Yeah, anything you've written that even you think is too much, too dark for this show?
00:59:00.000 No. I haven't even touched the tip of the iceberg.
00:59:03.000 I'm all for pushing boundaries.
00:59:05.000 I mean, I wrote a sketch about six months back when my grandmother was shredded.
00:59:17.000 So, I mean, it didn't air.
00:59:22.000 Can you do this?
00:59:23.000 Can you interview me in front of Oscar the Grouch's house?
00:59:26.000 That'd be fantastic.
00:59:27.000 All right. 1.00
00:59:28.000 Seven and a half, bitch. 1.00
00:59:30.000 What? If I actually showed my daughter those sketches, she's 10. Now she wants me to do a sketch with her where she gets to hit me with a glass bottle, so I'm not going to do that, though. 1.00
00:59:40.000 Because I could kick her ass, dude. 1.00
00:59:42.000 She's like this high. 1.00
00:59:44.000 We get the f***ing f*** to the f***ing f***. 0.99
00:59:47.000 Can I say that? 0.99
00:59:48.000 I think I did.
00:59:49.000 I mean, I rack at least, probably, on a slow day a dozen HR violations.
00:59:54.000 Which one? 0.99
00:59:55.000 F***ing f***! 0.99
00:59:57.000 Yeah, nice f***! 1.00
00:59:59.000 Trump loses day one. 0.98
01:00:01.000 What do you think that looks like?
01:00:03.000 Looks like me going to the gun store.
01:00:07.000 Do you think a Democratic victory here charts the past for a thin-walled presidency?
01:00:11.000 No. Gosh, he's a f***ing b***h on wheels. 1.00
01:00:15.000 Nick, how long have you not had the use of your plate? 1.00
01:00:22.000 Told me you weren't going to ask about that.
01:00:28.000 You good?
01:00:29.000 All right, kids.
01:00:30.000 Anything else you want to add?
01:00:31.000 I do.
01:00:31.000 I'd like not to do the show anymore.
01:00:34.000 Gerald's really bugging me.
01:00:37.000 I hope it lasts.
01:00:39.000 That's all.
01:00:39.000 I need the cash.
01:00:42.000 Bang. So we are, of course, going to see you.
01:00:45.000 I don't know what we are doing tomorrow, but you know why?
01:00:50.000 You know what?
01:00:51.000 I'll say this.
01:00:52.000 Joe, we do have a name for you when you're not around.
01:00:54.000 No, don't tell him.
01:00:56.000 No? All right, Tom.
01:00:58.000 Would you believe it?
01:00:59.000 If, when he's not around, we call him the old Rid Bailey.