00:04:31.720this was like probably less than a year before I got actually got sober and I
00:04:37.780had a really really rough time and uh matt was always very kind to me and um yeah it was a rough
00:04:45.660period in my life you know so all right this is this is the nature of the story then for for those
00:04:51.900of you who haven't picked up on it we're talking about it's what you used to be group chat i mean
00:04:55.840the story really well not your story but this story starts in our group chat where matt oh yeah
00:05:01.100we have heard about you well just just today this morning he's like this lady came in and it's like
00:05:05.660amazing what happened i didn't even recognize her and he gives us a brief rundown of your story and
00:05:12.000he's like yeah she was like she was like a disaster before she walks in like a fully complete
00:05:15.980mature responsible adult and he's like i don't even know this person yeah i i was in the back
00:05:21.480saw like you a little bit out there you like did the wave and i was like i'm not totally sure who
00:05:26.760that is and i got closer i was like no way and i was like i was like you're normal like i looked
00:05:31.480at you even before you started talking i was like you're normal it was a it was the craziest thing
00:05:36.820the worst thing to say no you know you'd have you'd have to know the nature of what did you
00:05:41.760look at you do you look at you and say you're normal yeah i mean he didn't recognize me when
00:05:47.220i came in i could tell by the way you looked and then you came out and you were like i was like
00:05:51.900this oh you probably saw my tattoos or something you're like oh i know who you are wow and it's
00:05:56.980just a testimony to what god can do and he's like what happened how did this happen i'm like
00:06:03.140what did i say therefore if any man be in christ he is a new creation and that's my truth
00:06:10.360banger yeah i was like what and that's i was like texting you guys i was like you won't believe i
00:06:15.500wasn't thinking about like having you on the show or anything i was just texting you guys say you1.00
00:06:18.460won't believe what just happened yeah there's a crazy chick that's been here for years has done
00:06:23.160all the craziest stuff it's okay well when he was introducing you we were standing here and he was1.00
00:06:28.720introducing you to us and uh and i said this is a normal high functioning adult high functioning i0.97
00:06:33.880would attribute high functioning to you real estate agent she's crushing the game now yeah1.00
00:06:37.580like a very normal functioning huge magician why do you keep saying that i think that's what she
00:06:43.320said so um all right so so let's start i want to hear your story and i guess um i don't know where
00:06:49.420you want to start it i i'll i'll ask you a question babyhood yeah where were you born
00:06:54.760i was born in louisiana i was adopted seven days later i have a private adoption i have
00:07:01.820five sisters we were all adopted from around the world um so that is a very i have a very
00:07:08.320eclectic family okay you know i have two my parents each have a child from a previous marriage but
00:07:14.980they weren't really with the six of it. They're all girls, the six girls that were adopted.
00:07:21.200And yeah, I think it started out really normal. I come from an amazing, amazing, supportive family.
00:07:28.420And around the age of like 14, I just got into some aforementioned things like drugs. And
00:07:36.820And it really was, you know, when I first did that, I think it took away like a lot of physical and emotional pain that I was feeling even before then.
00:07:51.100And I kind of like fell in love with it and just experimented and it just got worse from there.
00:08:03.240Well, my mom and dad are my adoptive parents.
00:08:05.860You know, I've been with them since pretty much birth and the other kids are all from around the world. Yes. And you guys all just lived in Louisiana. No, no. We were raised in upstate New York. And then around the age I started to use drugs was when we moved to North Carolina. So I had a really sheltered childhood before moving to.
00:08:27.160this is your parents trying to create a sheltered environment where you guys aren't
00:08:31.720subjected to yeah i think they did a great job at that but when i hit middle school
00:08:36.280in a different you know further south it was like a whole different world you said that um
00:08:44.920it alleviated some of the pain that you had been feeling even before that what do you attribute
00:08:49.160that pain to is that from not knowing you know there's a big mystery around the family or is it
00:08:54.360maybe the moving a lot kind of a deal.
00:09:13.540I don't think it was consciously conscious pain.
00:09:17.740I think there's like generational trauma that affected it.
00:09:20.780I think, well, when I was just from some of my relationships, when the drug use started, you know, I think I always like as an alcoholic and an addict, I mean, I think we carry around a lot of stuff from the beginning that like it might be different than most people, you know, just inner, like not feeling OK in our own skin.
00:09:44.180and you'll hear a lot of people say it, um, in AA and stuff just, and then short, shortly before
00:09:52.920it got bad, I was in a pretty bad car accident. I had like health issues. So the opiates kind of
00:09:58.820started after I broke my pelvis in a car accident at 17 was, I mean, before then I was just like
00:10:06.880smoking weed, doing, you know, things like that, drinking a little bit, but it really took off at
00:10:12.760the age of like 17 when I broke my pelvis in a car accident and I was prescribed Loraset or
00:10:18.080something. That's a lot of people's story, right? Injured in one way or another. They trust in the
00:10:22.160medical system. They prescribe opioids. Next thing you know, that's the beginning of a long
00:10:27.780winding road. Correct. And this was during that whole like epidemic where they would just like
00:10:33.020prescribe them. I mean, I was prescribed fentanyl patches by the age of 21 years old
00:10:38.920I had back issues. I had health issues. But like what I didn't realize was like it was a cycle like these things were all causing the issues and causing more pain. The pain pills cause rebound pain that it's just this terrible cycle that you find yourself. Well, I found myself like caught up in that that whole era of time. Right. I mean, that's, you know, I always go back. This is a little bit conspiratorial, but we're going 90 percent of the world's opium fields in Afghanistan.
00:11:07.320meanwhile america's going through an opioid epidemic i had friends lost a lot of friends
00:11:11.500to overdoses a lot of friends were it started with blues i don't remember exactly what the
00:11:17.740technical term for them was but we had a doctor in town that was cutting prescriptions for kids
00:11:23.840man like kids that i was in school with maybe we had just graduated so we're talking anywhere from
00:11:28.68017 to 19 year old kids he's cutting them prescriptions they're paying them for the
00:11:34.400prescriptions they're going and filling them and then selling the pills and um that wasn't happening
00:11:40.400in a vacuum that was probably a lot more prevalent than people really understand and uh yeah a lot
00:11:46.380of people got wrapped up in that all over the states yeah yeah and and they cracked down on it
00:11:51.240it still happens but but yeah it's it's a rough i watched a really great documentary on it i forget
00:11:58.120the name of it but it goes in depth and you got to see some of these pop-up doctor's offices oh
00:12:04.840yeah yeah they had that doctor's office on the strip that had like a line around the corner yes
00:12:08.520yeah what the heck was it's a good documentary um beats me at the name of it right now maybe
00:12:13.320somebody in the chat knows but um a little window into into how that worked you know so if you were
00:12:18.680somebody that tried to i was blessed never got into it you know big into weed when i was younger
00:12:23.080but, um, it was just so common, so common. So, all right. So you're, you're, you're having this
00:12:30.400experience, you get into this accident, you think you're doing the right thing, right? The doctors
00:12:35.860prescribed it. And therefore I take the pain pills, you know, it, it took away more than just
00:12:42.520physical pain. You know, like I was telling you, it, it took away that soul sickness for a little
00:12:47.000while that I had that spiritual malady that they talk about in AA, you know, the void that only
00:12:53.940God can fill. And so it filled that for a little while. And like I said, then there was the fentanyl
00:13:00.760patches and that was like a pain management clinic. And, you know, they don't allow you to
00:13:07.040smoke weed or anything. You have to get drug tested to be prescribed those pain pills. And
00:13:11.040of course, I smoke a little weed. Not long after that, I'm doing heroin in North Carolina.
00:13:17.000you know in intravenous drugs at like 18 then 19 what probably around like 20 22 i'm not great with
00:13:26.820the dates but so but the age of 20 yeah around that in my 20s i have a full-blown heroin addiction
00:13:34.860and luckily this is before like fentanyl was in everything yeah you know it's almost like that's
00:13:41.200what they dog walked america into was getting everybody hooked on opioids and then introducing
00:13:45.760fentanyl and then people just start dropping you know like i said a lot of people everybody i don't
00:13:51.040know anybody that doesn't know people that they lost to you know some form of that that epidemic
00:13:56.880um yeah friend of the fam friend of my family um they were watching their grandkids on the weekend
00:14:04.000or something like that and i guess they decided him and his wife decided to do some coke or
00:14:09.040whatever they're doing in their bedroom and oh deed parents came and find they find their kid
00:14:15.120there for two days and and they're dead in the room i'm like this is just psychotic yeah yeah
00:14:20.160but that story is not it's not anything special just happens all day it's all the time story of
00:14:25.360you know the average american experience now i guess so so what does this do to your um
00:14:31.280your personality how does that start to change i mean it's a it's a you're young right it's still
00:14:36.400you're still developing personality wise into the person that you're going to be and um and you're
00:14:42.480muting everything. I think it arrested and stunted my growth significantly. You know, they,
00:14:49.080they do say in the, you know, 12 step groups I've been to and the therapy I've been to that, like,
00:14:55.660your growth is literally arrested whenever you start using. So I was probably like mentally
00:15:02.420and emotionally a 14 year old. And I have been until I came into recovery around 3.3 years ago.
00:15:11.6603.3 so almost almost i know i was at the meeting in there earlier and they were like how much time
00:15:18.420now i'm like hold on let me look we have a nap yeah you know so anyway it's something i'm very
00:15:24.040very proud of today you said um that in na they talk about that spiritual void that can only be
00:15:31.120filled by god and um do they specifically mention god in uh oh yeah oh yeah aa is is the the group
00:15:39.400i'm in but all of them are all of them talking about the same no no no it's just got everything
00:15:47.000they specifically say it could be a doorknob right you just need a higher power maybe that's
00:15:50.760specifically in anything but really that thing that happens to junkies is that we just know we
00:15:56.040don't belong here right like isn't that ultimately why like when the drugs hit we're like yeah i like
00:16:01.640this i like this because like now i'm not here anymore like i'm here but i'm not here i think
00:16:06.440it's just that we would rather look for anything else like but god and we don't know until we're
00:16:11.740taught you know until we come into recovery that that's the void that that we have you know and
00:16:17.460while i was still seeking at that time that i was using i mean i i had wonderful teachers and people
00:16:26.720and mentors that would still study the bible with me in my filth and in my you know my misery
00:16:33.620you know i had beautiful people like that for that that god surrounded me i'm just thinking
00:16:39.880about even in the mire you know but like i was i was talking to some people before this they
00:16:45.940prayed with me before this but um it was impossible when you're putting those substances in your body
00:16:53.060to have to come into relationship with christ you can seek all you want you can learn everything
00:16:59.140you want about the bible but until you actually have a relationship with jesus christ you don't
00:17:04.200have you have knowledge it's a lot of people intellectualize scripture and and maybe even
00:17:09.100can recall it very well and stuff that was a banger of a statement that was like you're dead
00:17:13.360on with that yeah when you said with those substances in your body it's impossible to
00:17:19.260have a relationship so you mean like not just this like psychological thing you're saying there's a
00:17:24.280physical there's a physical system that is flowing through your body that cuts you off from the
00:17:29.520supernatural from the spirit and the supernatural otherwise she said it's just knowledge that's my
00:17:34.400opinion no i think you nailed it yeah yeah i think you nailed it it's just knowledge and that's why
00:17:39.500you could see a dude who doesn't know the lord like crushing debates he's got a lot of knowledge
00:17:43.900he's got a lot of intellect he could be totally wrong but he can like crush in debates because
00:17:47.900it's just knowledge man but that's something totally different than knowing the lord but
00:17:52.480when you see somebody walk in like this and then you're like wait what happened then you're like
00:17:57.340okay this is clearly somebody who the lord did something to this has nothing to do with intellect
00:18:01.580or so matt you've been you were going to the the church for a long time you're like high on oxys
00:18:06.220you think that that statement is true like you you can't you can't have like an actual
00:18:11.440relationship with the lord when you're when you're high because you were doing both no i think i did
00:18:15.740i so i don't know but uh but that doesn't i mean it doesn't mean like oh my thing applies to
00:18:20.780everybody else like yeah i think i genuinely love the lord with all my heart and it's different for
00:18:25.620everybody like it's different levels of like uh so-called addiction or whatever you want to call
00:18:30.140it but yeah i think where i was at was um i don't know yours was more not just drugs but demonized
00:18:38.940like i think so like it was yeah the drugs played a part in that but like when you used to come up
00:18:43.780come here before it was straight demons it wasn't it wasn't like just drugs because i'm just trying
00:18:48.720like i'm asking from the angle of like yeah maybe like this specific type of drug uh does cut this
00:18:54.400like uh and the amount you're using it maybe like i go through sober phases and stuff so i could be
00:19:00.100kind of like i i don't know but i think for all of us which it's different i mean even like with
00:19:05.540money it's different like the widow with the two mites jesus said yeah she gave more than all the
00:19:08.940rich guys it's just it's just math and the kingdom of god is different i think it's the same where
00:19:13.400it's like ultimately you're going to get to a point where god says okay i'm putting my hand on
00:19:17.320it now i got like i'm putting my finger on this now now it's time to you gotta now you got a
00:19:21.320choice with our our research about uh i mean certain drugs specifically but like methamphetamine
00:19:26.180being a big one yeah that one it doesn't cut you off from the spiritual it actually like kicks the
00:19:31.320door open and puts like a stopper in it and that's why these people are in constant contact with
00:19:35.520i wonder if that's maybe that's a better way to describe it right it's like
00:19:38.980so maybe it's not just that it puts sort of a barrier between you and god but it you've given
00:19:46.460consent you've sinned in such a way and you've given consent to the spiritual realm to access
00:19:51.680you which might result in such a barrage of other things it's like god gets drowned out
00:19:57.640god gets drowned out because there are all these other influences you know uh kind of being set
00:20:04.340probably a better way to i agree to think about that that was a good way to describe it but i mean
00:20:11.100if if you think about it like i was like the holy spirit you kind of have to have your house in
00:20:18.260order for him to to to dwell in you and bear fruit in you yeah you know you can't be out out doing
00:20:24.340all these things and expect to you know to be able to help other people and to you have to be filled
00:20:31.720yourself with things of the spirit in a in a good way not you know to be able to to even live in any
00:20:40.740kind of righteous way yeah to produce fruit what's the scripture of the the wine skin matt um we were
00:20:47.100reading it's an old testament you can't pour uh new wine into old wine skins right right and there's
00:20:53.560even another one where god is saying that he's like he's upset with the people because they're
00:20:57.320trying to put him into their you're talking about the jeremiah passage you're talking about cisterns
00:21:02.080yeah broken cisterns but jesus is talking about yeah you can't put uh new wine into old wine
00:21:07.340skins yeah you there's got to be a preparation it's got to be but but god is involved in that
00:21:12.360entire process yeah yeah i think god is always working it's not like god doesn't like you're
00:21:16.800on drugs and god's like sorry you're off limits to me now like he's working that whole time to
00:21:22.160get you to a place where you can create a habitation for him yeah i think that it is
00:21:27.140likely what what is happening is as god is working because of the consents you've given away other
00:21:34.240things are as well and the more you curb that and the more you abstain from that the less rights
00:21:38.660they have over you and you know the more you you wash yourself in the blood of christ right break
00:21:43.040all these bonds and all these agreements then that voice the holy spirit becomes clearer but it's
00:21:48.280almost like tuning into the right channel there's like you've got a bunch of noise overlapping right
00:21:53.780now and you need to clear that out and get to the right you know the you know i'm using it as an
00:21:58.960uh, an example, but turn the knob to the right channel, sort of a thing. What, um, so, you know,
00:22:04.620we talked to, uh, um, one of our, we haven't brought him up in a while. It's Dr. Jerry
00:22:08.860Marsinski. Um, he's a clinical psychologist and he worked with, uh, schizophrenic patients
00:22:14.940for 35 years. He worked first in a hospital setting and that hospital got closed down.
00:22:20.320And then he worked in a prison setting and in the prison setting, they allowed for a lot more,
00:22:24.720sort of experimentation whereas in the hospital things are very stringent do not feed into their
00:22:30.360delusions stick to the book you know because malpractice and all these other things and in
00:22:34.780prison they were like you know whatever dr jerry marzinski started to realize that these things
00:22:39.540that were you know previously under his understanding a set of visual and auditory
00:22:45.580hallucinations they adhered to patterns they adhered to like 23 different patterns that he
00:22:51.660was able to track and then they behave very predictably which is not a hallucination hallucinations
00:22:57.080by their nature would be random so he started to theorize that these people were being oppressed
00:23:01.860by something external to themselves and started to recommend that they treat it as such whereas
00:23:07.860the medical industry does not do that you have a fundamental chemical imbalance in your brain
00:23:13.160you're broken the only way it's going to fix this it's not in your power it's in pills and such
00:23:16.880takes away their agency he gave it back found that people had a lot of success with it long
00:23:21.380story short he comes out the other end and he's like yeah these things are demons they're they're
00:23:25.440demonic these are external entities and the only way you're ever going to get you know a foot in
00:23:32.060this battle is to first even acknowledge that it is something that's not just random hallucinations
00:23:37.520this is an entity so um you know he he catalogs a lot of things in his experiences like drugs in
00:23:45.680their relation to these things getting a foothold in you. And like Top said earlier,
00:23:51.680methamphetamine was definitely one of them. I'm imagining then you feel as though your drug use
00:23:57.960eventually resulted in something that, you know, maybe Dr. Marzinski would have been familiar with.
00:24:04.440Yeah, definitely like a form of psychosis for a while. So probably something like
00:24:09.840schizoaffective disorder or something for that year time period before I got sober.
00:24:14.400Yeah, it was like, it took me a year to come out of that. I mean, between like, I was it wasn't just the the opioids I got off of probably in my late 20s. But I, you know, they call it like cross addiction, I think. Like I went to rehab and I'm like, this, that was demonic. But like, I'm like, I can't do this anymore. But I wasn't willing to give up everything.
00:24:41.020And then, you know, probably like two years after that, I was doing crack cocaine, which is a terrible, terrible drug.
00:24:48.800I've done meth when I didn't have that.
00:24:56.120I think the amphetamines are they're both terrible, but it's a whole different beast in terms of the oppression that you said it was like kicking a door open.
00:25:06.400And he said, unlike other substances, the door was very slow to close after that.
00:25:11.020So like if you stop the use, you know, of something else, it would eventually regulate methamphetamine would keep that door like there was a door stopper in it and keep it wide open for a long time before it ever shut.
00:25:22.660Can you talk about what that experience was like?
00:25:26.620I mean, for a lot of people that are listening, you know, you hear these medical terminologies, psychosis, things like that tossed around to so many people that's totally foreign.
00:25:36.240I don't think it's really that foreign.
00:25:37.900I think all of us have some degree of it.
00:25:39.620there is an influence intrusive thoughts things of that nature and i think that they can grow in
00:25:45.560their influence and eventually turn into something that you might describe as psychosis but what what
00:25:50.080did it feel like or what did it well one thing to to speak to what you're saying about the
00:25:55.700the demons and the demonic oppression like i didn't have that much of an awareness during
00:26:02.020that time that i was behaving in a way that that was barbaric to other people like when you're in
00:26:09.620psychosis you don't like really know you're in psychosis like i didn't really have a grasp like
00:26:17.860how out of pocket like i was really behaving so people are i imagine people are coming to you and
00:26:25.420they're saying hey you did this thing and it's unacceptable how are you perceiving how she acted
00:26:31.340there's no context unless i don't i don't really know how to describe it anybody who ever worked
00:26:39.080here if they ever see this episode they're just they're gonna be in shock dude they're gonna be
00:26:43.860like you you would have to see like how she acted to understand like how crazy it is you're just
00:26:49.160saying that like during that time you didn't really think you were acting i really didn't
00:26:53.280have like you don't have an awareness of like how it actually is and people did try to speak to me
00:26:59.440like i was baker acted during that time okay like i i mean i think i remember that took a long time
00:27:05.840for me to like normalize i totally remember that so you just thought these people were being like
00:27:11.060assholes you're like what are you overreacting for yes and but i i really had no concept so
00:27:15.840i mean because like i it might have not been me where did you work during that time overtaken by0.99
00:27:23.560i didn't how did you have money when you come in and buy lattes street magic yeah yeah she does
00:27:29.360magic okay sorry sorry i just got a little sidetracked there but you're but you're saying
00:27:33.800like uh yeah like it was somebody else acting through me were you having moments of um
00:27:40.060you know like loss of memory some people would say like blacking out or whatever but like
00:27:45.540did you ever have uh difficulty recollecting the things that you had done or or the way that you
00:27:51.260had behaved some of sometimes. Yeah. And that came along with like a lot of my drug use, not so much
00:27:57.300in the, but there's like a lot of my life, whether it be like pharmaceuticals or other benzos or
00:28:03.060other things that are just that I can't really call into memory that other people like my family
00:28:09.040members remember. And it's just, I mean, when you live like that, it's, it's really a blur.
00:28:14.760it's complete survival your whole consciousness is overtaken by getting and finding ways to get
00:28:23.460these drugs getting using and then getting again and maintaining yeah not getting sick you know
00:28:29.780it's a terrible way to live you know but i think i didn't really know there was anything else
00:28:37.700because i had been doing that for so long same even the concept of like yeah that people could
00:28:42.700live like normal I was like well first off that sounds boring as heck for one and then that just
00:28:48.980seems like lame and like now that I know what I know like how could I even do that it's just the
00:28:53.740whole concept of that but I want I want to get back to the timeline though so like early 20s
00:28:59.020you're hooked on heroin and you're in the Carolinas and then you kind of shift into the crack from
00:29:03.820there and the and the what else and and do you stay in the Carolinas like when do you get to
00:29:08.280florida okay so i go to rehab in florida for the opiates probably like 26 yeah everybody can't do
00:29:16.820this anymore the drug dealers in wilmington north carolina like some of them were having me like
00:29:21.940watch their kids and stuff like i finally got like so tired of living that way that i was like i can't
00:29:28.000do this anymore yeah and i went to rehab and i wasn't in florida it was port st lucie i think
00:29:33.140it was a long a long long time where you're from no no port richie yeah first stint in rehab i was
00:29:39.760not ready to do the work of the 12 steps i was nasty like you've seen me be before to the people
00:29:46.240that were working there i completed the program yeah but i did not do the like the continued work
00:29:53.640it how did you end up there you went there willingly or willingly yeah okay so that's
00:29:57.980interesting you made the decision to go there but we're not i you can make a decision to do
00:30:02.760anything but until you're ready to like fully because of legal issues though or you just got
00:30:08.920up one day and said i'm going to rehab in florida i think i literally just got so tired of the
00:30:13.480sickness and the people i was getting it from and the life and the chaos at that point i i didn't
00:30:20.500know anything about chaos yet but um and then it all all went well for a little while but i wasn't
00:30:27.320willing to give up you know things like marijuana and other things which didn't help and then i would
00:30:36.000not that you can recreate recreationally smoke crack but like that was but if there was a way
00:30:42.320you came close at the beginning at the beginning i kind of did that and i was still living
00:30:48.000recreational carolina my parents had moved to uh here to central florida to the villages yeah
00:30:56.720they were in the villages at that point um and i i would just do it once in a while i don't
00:31:03.660remember how is it how i was introduced i had buddies that would occasionally smoke crack like
00:31:08.380from where i'm from in cali it was like you only smoke crack if you're a crackhead and when i got
00:31:12.140to florida i had buddies that would like smoke crack i feel like if you're doing something
00:31:16.360it could be useful like if you're doing yard work or something like crack could be useful
00:31:20.920not if you want to go to sleep though or anything like that like what about you know what about rest
00:31:25.060yeah well and that well i mean i could still eat on it i could still like after a couple days i
00:31:31.360could sleep it's not as bad as meth like you were talking about where you're just up for anyway
00:31:36.360so then i'm i you know my parents and i kind of had this like codependent enmeshed relationship
00:31:43.680at that point you know and it was hard like being away from them so i'm like in my mind i could
00:31:49.840really be of use to people which i couldn't and i'm like i'll come down and help you so i moved
00:31:54.440to down here and that's where it got like really really bad i was having trouble like i didn't have
00:32:01.100my whole music community and you know that life i had worked to to build my friends everything and
00:32:08.680i was just how are you how are you i mean because i'm just thinking about it i've moved i've lived
00:32:12.460in florida now for many years i only know enough people to count on one hand i could never find
00:32:17.840crack if i if my life depended on it i couldn't um make the connections that's divine protection
00:32:23.980and i'll tell you that yeah you're not looking for crack i mean with drugs you just find them
00:32:28.700like you can move away and i know i'm pretty sure like the 12-step programs would say like yeah you
00:32:33.140can move away but you can't get away from yourself but i know for me it was good to move away because
00:32:37.540at least it was pumping the brakes on something well there's that guy with the swastika tattoo
00:32:41.080on his chest he's probably got crack true but then ultimately you find it it's like a sixth
00:32:45.560sense like i could yeah if there was somebody i know in a gas station yeah i know exactly what's
00:32:52.320going on i know who i can approach i know like it's not a thing you've touched on something there
00:32:57.460that's so interesting marzinski talks about this to these people who obviously you know the
00:33:02.140schizophrenic patients in the hospital and in the in the uh prison of course a lot of them are
00:33:06.900experienced drug users and things of that nature and the stories that they would tell him about
00:33:12.540that sixth sense i wouldn't call it that i would say there's these forces spiritual entities are
00:33:18.000whispering to you they're nudging you um but i've also heard this among schizophrenic testimony
00:33:22.840where like one story i'm familiar with right is a guy who is you know inexplicably uh uh
00:33:30.920pulled towards a field and in the field there's a piece of plywood and he lifts up the plywood
00:33:35.900and he finds the drug dealer's stash so he's stashing it under there and i mean going to
00:33:41.620people's houses and knowing exactly where to go to find their opium you know opioids and things
00:33:46.620like that uh so many things there's even a bit of a precognition um element that comes into play
00:33:53.800where sometimes one of the stories i remember seems to kind of a throwaway but it's really
00:33:58.500fascinating this guy's on public transportation he's on a on a bus voices are you know doing
00:34:03.700their thing and suddenly they all just start talking about the man in the yellow shirt the
00:34:08.220man in the yellow shirt they pull up to the next bus stop guy gets on the bus walks over sits next
00:34:12.460to him man in the yellow shirt he doesn't know what to make of that it's not like there's some
00:34:16.140divine thing that unfolds after that that it is it's just there so there's like this brief
00:34:21.200you know cognitive what were you to say i just thought of a like a something you call it it's
00:34:26.560like unspiritual discernment that's what it is yeah yeah it's like the opposite yes of discern
00:34:32.360it's like discernment in the wrong spirits yeah i mean i think these spirits they have the ability
00:34:38.580to well do all sorts of things for you a story that i tell i told the time on this show but uh
00:34:43.540i used to do a comedy show and uh before the comedy show like it was like it was kind of like
00:34:49.060this format but before it i'd be in my own house like in a zoom meeting and then there'd be four
00:34:53.480other dudes and i just smoke a little like couple hits like weed and i'd smoke and then we do the
00:34:58.920show and it helped me loosen up and tell jokes and shit like that um we got a an email from a
00:35:04.260listener of this show this is like years later this is after i know this is this might have been
00:35:09.120like right at the tail end of doing that comedy show and he was saying how he was sober for many
00:35:14.040years uh but you know on Wednesdays at 9 11 that's when we did the show he would go and he'd take like
00:35:21.000an edible and he'd watch the show and hang out with us and I realized I was like oh so I'm smoking
00:35:27.740and the spirit of what and this is through a screen spirit of whatever I'm putting out there
00:35:33.160is making you fall back and do a drug that you were you know his testimony was that the drugs
00:35:41.180ruin his life his marriage his family all stuff like this and i'm like i gotta stop doing that
00:35:45.840so i just stopped altogether because it it seemed innocuous or innocent enough to me where i'm like
00:35:52.620yeah it's like what is it like a couple of pulls and i'm not i'm not i'm a lightweight so like two
00:35:57.260pulls and i'm i'm kind of high for but all of a sudden you're dancing with some spirit that
00:36:01.840the listeners through the internet yeah yeah man i'm like influencing you i don't like that but see
00:36:06.640like i think the difference is that you can stop like true alcoholics and addicts cannot stop
00:36:13.440themselves without some kind of spiritual intervention or an ongoing spiritual help
00:36:18.840yeah you know and that's that's really the premise of it you saw and had empathy for that guy you're
00:36:23.780like i can just stop there is a call and listen i'm not gonna lie there's sometimes be like
00:36:28.440yeah that would be fun to do right or this like old persona of the person that came out like when
00:36:33.880we're doing the comedy show that's like top lobster's coming out there and i'm coming for
00:36:36.960your throat and i'm gonna say some wild stuff that's a different dude that's not me now so
00:36:43.120there is that inclination and the temptation to be like let's play right come on play but i'm like
00:36:48.400i just yeah maybe in me i'm like it wasn't strong enough where i'm i just put that away but it's
00:39:17.220Yeah. So I went to rehab for the second or I had a stint in rehab probably like a year before I got sober and I still don't think I was fully ready.
00:39:28.040I went to a couple and I was like, I thought I was ready.
00:39:32.480That was probably four years ago, four years ago, four years ago.
00:39:35.700So you were in that rehab and then came here to live with your parents.
00:39:40.320Is that the time period you would have been in the coffee shop?
00:39:42.380Because you were here around like twenty, twenty two, twenty twenty two.
00:39:45.520yeah so it was like a year my sober day is march 3rd 2023 so i went to rehab i got out of rehab
00:39:53.880had that whole relapsed yeah i don't even know if you call it a relapse because i didn't have
00:39:58.980that much time in between i was just in that phase of like getting ready like god had me in
00:40:07.520some kind of like middle i mean i was i was very sick and i was like i went through a series of
00:40:14.840events like legal troubles like all jails institutions where god was really showing me
00:40:22.060that if i kept on going the way i was going like there was only one thing left when you were here
00:40:26.680sorry yeah that's true when you were here it was like that it was like every
00:40:31.920every time you came in you had some crazy ass story of something that just happened
00:40:37.120it was a battle like that was that was it that was it could have been the end for me
00:40:42.860And like, I see a lot of people who aren't afforded the opportunities that I've been given, like even at life, you know, people that have this disease and don't make it out, you know, they don't have, they relapse and they don't get a chance to come back and say, hi, my name's Kirsten.
00:40:59.520And I'm an alcoholic and I have one day, you know, so I realized that it's life or death for me.
00:41:06.440And finally, like I went to rehab for a second, God knows what time.
00:41:13.680And I was like, hey, I need to move where there's like I need to move down here to South Florida.
00:41:19.960There was like a spiritual leading down there.
00:41:25.420And I just, you know, I, I was in halfway houses. I like really did everything it took to like rebuild my life. And I was ready at that point. No mood or mind altering substances. I entered and stuck with the program of AA, did the step work. I still do the step work. I sponsor other women through the step work.
00:41:48.220i you know which leads you into like a relationship with god that you you forge kind of
00:41:54.920and uh i continue to do the work it's like grace and and service to other people so what right
00:42:01.960what led you to this place like even in 2022 like why you'd come in often yeah how did you end up
00:42:09.360here i don't remember maybe i i really don't remember that's one of those things but i i mean
00:42:16.500it's safe here. Like the, the, the Lord dwells here in this place, you know, and maybe that was
00:42:22.760safe for me. And the people were kind to me, even though I was out of my mind, you know, and the,
00:42:27.600there's so many good examples of the word here, you know, there's good.
00:42:32.900Didn't I give you a turquoise Bible? Do you still have the turquoise Bible? Yeah. Yeah. I remember
00:42:38.300that. Yeah. They were, they were just, he saw in me like what, what I couldn't see at that point.
00:42:43.360i didn't even know what was going on at that point you know but like i mean i should they
00:42:48.780should have called the cops on me to be honest i think the cops did get called no no i think some
00:42:54.660of the boomers called the cops man i um that was that was one of the crazy things was was like the
00:43:01.300um church people bible study people you were one of the people that they were like very offended by0.67
00:43:06.600did we just lose audio in everybody's headphones in one ear yeah let me just check real quick guys
00:43:12.060can you still hear us in the chat um i just want to make sure can you guys hear is your
00:43:16.060headphone mess only like i can't hear mine okay yeah mine are definitely different but i can like
00:43:20.200kind of hear but they're but they're definitely different oh one two one two still out in one
00:43:26.960ear all right they can hear chuck i can't hear myself strange okay i don't um i don't know what
00:43:32.340that was well everybody can hear yeah that was wow did we all laugh at the same time and that's
00:43:36.400no uh top hit the explosion drop which is just come in i just knew you were like a real person
00:43:41.820and i got i was like yeah i know exactly what you're going through and then um wow this is
00:43:47.980like crazy in the air yeah no that was just a giant election weird whatever's happening uh we'll
00:43:52.600have to muscle through it i wanted to ask you you know because you said that um you were a musician
00:43:58.340and not a magician uh so i have to do that number one for the chats clarity and the listeners uh how
00:44:03.840did sobriety if at all change your relationship with your music it's a it's honestly like
00:44:12.600i will say in that regard it's kind of you kind of have to find in every regard you have to find
00:44:19.260yourself again i mean it's i mean people do liken like creativity to like substances just
00:44:28.440like you were talking about it kind of but i think you know i haven't been doing it as as much
00:44:34.260as i usually do i haven't been but since i got to florida you should get back into it that was1.00
00:44:39.080another thing that would cause fights here too is like boomers would come out and be like that0.68
00:44:43.000music's too loud i'd be like shut up she's playing and she's not gonna stop we just hate boomers so0.70
00:44:48.200like whatever it is no no i love boomers but you got to see her you had to hear her sing and play
00:44:52.100dude like she's got a crazy voice and then like the singing and she was just coming from her heart
00:44:56.620like from her guts and it was from a place of agony used to sing from a place of agony0.98
00:45:00.700and i would be like boomers shut the just shut up were you writing your own music oh yeah i write0.71
00:45:05.620i write a lot of music i've you know recorded an album in sobriety i have like uh what we need0.99
00:45:13.080that album this guy named i'm such a perfectionist when it comes to that but i will i will let you
00:45:19.540guys know what it's all over all the uh streaming it's crazy when she was high though because it
00:45:26.440would be like just chilling out and then she would like it'd be quiet in the shop and then
00:45:30.540she'd just like hit the vape and then we're just like ah it would be like so loud she would just
00:45:34.920start going like everybody in the shop would just sing wild i'm a lot quieter now but i was able to
00:45:42.700write an album you know some a couple of the songs in your sobriety yes okay and put that out and i
00:45:48.680have a good friend named brian who i record with in delray beach um i have a band in um
00:45:55.640in jupiter florida why which is a bunch of dads it's just a bunch of the name of the band it's
00:46:03.060called miss k and the dad bod band and the dad bod band that's awesome yep that's a band and we
00:46:09.140have where you guys play we had one gig we basically it's like a garage band we've just
00:46:14.340been kind of practicing our drummer paul just had a baby okay so we it's kind of hard to coordinate
00:46:20.400but at least i i do have them we've had one gig it went pretty well what's the town again it's i
00:46:26.840live in juno beach but most of the bandmates live in jupiter and that's where we practice in the
00:46:31.860garage jupiter florida so you know music's a really interesting thing we get really conspiratorial on
00:46:38.400show so frequency and vibration come up a lot and you know obviously the idea of music within
00:46:46.080the context of worship comes up a lot but if you just look at the music industry in general
00:46:51.840there's so much substance abuse and the people that are abusing these substances
00:46:57.680at least in the most high profile instances they're hyper talented super successful
00:47:04.480musicians and there's no shortage of those musicians who are giving testimony
00:47:09.520saying things like you know i have to be inebriated when i play it's been the downfall
00:47:14.880of a lot of really famous musicians what's the club the 23 club or the 25 27 27 so you know
00:47:25.920there's that side of it and they pay you in like when you're playing professional gigs like a lot
00:47:31.120of them they push the drinking they pay you in drinks they so i mean i haven't i've i've played
00:47:39.440some gigs sober but haven't really gotten connected in the way that i was in north
00:47:44.560carolina when i was drinking and was i mean there were gigs that i i literally did well at like
00:47:51.180people have it on video my mom loved them where i would literally go in the bathroom and shoot
00:47:55.960up heroin wow you know and come back out and play and that was just like my life you know and i don't
00:48:02.560think a lot of people knew how bad it was well it's crazy because you're coming out and you're
00:48:07.140performing which from the outside looking in to imagine you just came out of the bathroom from
00:48:12.760shooting up that doesn't match this talented person on the stage who's doing a thing that
00:48:17.100someone in the audience can't do right so it's uh it's an illusion almost being casted um
00:48:23.040there's that side right no shortage of it seems there's a real real um significance to substance
00:48:33.040usage and music and the spiritual realm uh you know i i would say for lack of a better term
00:48:41.700people are channeling and they don't know it something else is is moving through them there's
00:48:46.800a spirit that's moving through them and um you know one of the examples i love to give on the
00:48:51.940on the show is uh uh carlos santana is in a i believe it's time magazine interview and he's
00:49:00.060saying that all of his music comes from metatron which is like it's an angel might be a fallen
00:49:06.020angel book of enoch gets weird says uh enoch became metatron i don't know it's all apocryphal
00:49:12.520kind of extra leaps but still you know the principle stands but then on the other side of
00:49:18.420there's this other thing where you could be god has given you a set of talents we all get our own
00:49:25.540unique talents and um some people are offering them up to the lord they're making music that's
00:49:31.940dedicated to the lord it's a very touchy subject matt doesn't like it he doesn't think you know
00:49:36.340that i've heard musicians say that they that they're jamming like they're jamming with their
00:49:40.820band and then all of a sudden it's not them playing anymore that's crazy in like a jam session yeah
00:49:45.700And they're just like, yeah, it's not me playing anymore.
00:49:48.040But I mean, if you think about it like this, if you have a God given gift, if you have a calling on your life, if you can worship, choose not to whatever it is, Satan is going to do whatever he can to deter you from that path that God has for you, for anybody with any type of God given gift.
00:50:03.740You know, so I mean, my struggles are not for nothing. You know, I feel like I do have a calling and I do have a lot of life left to live and a lot of good things to do with my life. But there was a time where I wasn't able to resist that temptation. I didn't have the tools or the faith at this point to resist that temptation.
00:50:28.680And I mean, speaking spiritually, like a lot of it was attacks, you know, I mean, they were things I was actively doing, but I'm saying like, you know, yeah, it's we're not forced to do anything. Right. We still have to make that decision. We still have to step through, you know, whatever gateway is there.
00:50:50.040um so when when exactly is that moment then where you decide this is the path that i'm i'm gonna go
00:50:58.180not just that this is the path that works but like i'm dedicated to it and like how do you get on
00:51:03.360that path how do you stay on there it reminds me of this one time so the last time i was in rehab
00:51:09.520i like they go through all your stuff and you know i i was in rehab i'm i'm trying to do the
00:51:16.980right thing. I'm like sworn off everything. I'm like, I'm going to do everything it takes. And I
00:51:21.000find weed in my pocket in rehab. And at that moment, like I had the defense against that
00:51:27.680from the higher power, like God intervened for me. And it wasn't like a white light moment or
00:51:33.400anything, but I had the resolve to say like, no, I'm not going to do this anymore. And I'm going
00:51:37.780to do what it takes to stay that way, you know? And the amazing, I've met so many amazing people
00:51:45.900in my recovery community in AA, they literally like in South Florida down here too, but I haven't,
00:51:52.620I've only been down here back to visit my parents and seeing that community that way. But the people
00:51:57.240I have, the community I have in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, which is where like this one
00:52:03.280clubhouse I go to and meet is like loved me until I could let like this place does like you did,
00:52:10.640You know, like love me until I could love myself and heal enough to love them back and love myself.
00:52:16.860I was going to ask you, like, why did you come back here?
00:52:19.460And I assume that's why this is like, I guess it's like a fond memory for you.
00:56:07.060He doesn't do that for us, by the way.
00:56:08.300How would you rate her past behavior on a scale?
00:56:13.200Was she similar to the girl with the dog with the diaper?
00:56:15.640shout out which dog with the diaper come on what's me yeah no substantially crazier than0.98
00:56:22.000christina with a k dude okay substantially crazy substantially like legitimate crazy you guys don't0.79
00:56:27.040understand that's why i'm saying like only bella did you guys see bella's face when she did you
00:56:32.040guys hug did she like hugged you right yeah yeah she like initiated yeah yeah dude i don't know if
00:56:36.780you saw her fit like that's like everybody that's seeing her right now is in shock you were like
00:56:40.760wait a minute you guys can't get it you can kind of like hear the story but i'm not doing that
00:56:44.600kind of a job explaining how crazy she was but i'm telling like can we think of some stories like
00:56:48.940but when i was like bella you'll never guess who came here today and then i started explaining who1.00
00:56:52.840you were she's like the chick that was naked and stole her grandma's truck and got pulled over and0.99
00:56:56.760fought two cops naked that's my dad's the chick there's your dad's just some people get little0.68
00:57:01.260details wrong but go on yeah i was like yes that chick like and it was like that was a pretty crazy
00:57:06.480one but there was a bunch we can't we don't even have enough time i you had to get someplace yeah
00:57:12.200to it's it's too long a story it's a long story it was right down the street but it
00:57:18.280yeah i remember you got baker acted too that was a crazy story seems like if it was right down the
00:57:23.740street you could have taken maybe like an uber yeah i feel like i don't even remember i don't
00:57:29.040even remember all the stories like yeah how did you get here did you drive your parents vehicle
00:57:33.100or like yeah why did you keep coming here at that time because i mean i think god was leaving me
00:57:38.640Yeah, you just found it because it's not like we're a chain shop with good advertising or anything.
00:57:42.440I don't remember exactly how, but I found it and I've always like, I've always gravitated towards stuff like that, you know, towards spiritual people and towards libraries and books and Bibles.
00:57:57.420Like I've always gravitated towards those things.
00:57:59.800You talked about, you know, being raised in a in a good household and and that your your adopted parents are very much your parents and they created a safe environment for you.
00:58:09.040I don't remember if you said it at the top of the show. Were they Christian? Were you introduced to Scripture as a child?
00:58:14.540I was introduced to Scripture. They raised us in like different churches, like mostly like a lot of different ones.
00:58:25.720we went to a greek orthodox church growing up or maybe it was ukrainian orthodox we went to
00:58:32.500like presbyterian or like we wherever we went we my mom made a point to like raise us in church
00:58:38.400okay um my dad's catholic but i think you know that was something i'm glad i had that foundation
00:58:47.660yeah something they're not as religious as i am but i've always had that pull towards the spiritual
00:58:54.740like towards jesus i always have what was this like for them oh i traumatized my family my younger
00:59:03.560sisters my parents you loved your mom i remember you always loved your parents though as crazy as
00:59:08.160you were you would always be like no i love my parents and i feel like you had like remorse for
00:59:12.560putting them through it so much remorse so much remorse and all i can do is apologize and make
00:59:19.440kind of that living amends and show them that I'm somebody different today, you know, and actually
00:59:24.860live an esteemable life. But I will always, you know, carry. I wouldn't say guilt or shame, but
00:59:35.200like I, I understand the weight of how much I traumatize responsibility for it. Yes. Yeah.
00:59:41.260Yeah. Accountability. But how are they now? I mean, now it's got to be this is it's I mean,
00:59:46.260they've always been so loving and supportive i'm visiting in the now they're so proud of me
00:59:52.160you know that's for there it's complete unconditional love that's awesome um and
00:59:58.540yeah it's a it's a beautiful thing their forgiveness is a beautiful spiritual thing
01:00:05.320you know i've seen people you know like i said we had the whole opioid epidemic and
01:00:12.380was a burden for a lot of my friends and a lot of them were close enough that i knew their parents
01:00:17.540well and you just see like what a toll it takes um it's a crazy road man it's crazy road because
01:00:26.560after a certain amount of abuse there are a lot of voices who say you got to just give up
01:00:33.900and then there are a lot of parents that don't don't give up on their kids i mean and um you know
01:00:41.180I'm thinking of more than a few examples of just like watching these moms and dads go through it.
01:00:48.920But I also think in those examples, those kids are all right now, which has got to be huge, you know, to to go through that sort of fire.
01:01:02.360I think it almost would be in some ways better to be the drug user, you know, than to than to have to.
01:01:10.380because every day is like a it's a roll of the dice what phone call are you gonna get what you
01:01:15.220know it's it's a nightmare sleep they yeah and and i mean i have other sisters who are going
01:01:21.540through not as bad as i did but going through similar things and my my my parents are just
01:01:27.420amazing people i mean i don't know anybody else who would adopt six girls from around the world
01:01:33.140and be able to like like be able to create an environment where they could you know flourish
01:01:39.800I don't know anybody else that that could love love like where are you in the age bracket I'm
01:01:46.800the second oldest so the younger ones are kind of struggling with some stuff now uh well the one
01:01:54.100that's two days older than me we were both adopted from this from different places at the same time
01:02:00.120she's two days older than me she's struggling she's in North Carolina she has some like0.84
01:02:05.700developmental disabilities and, uh, she has a tough life and she's struggling right now.
01:02:12.920And, uh, I, there's not a lot of communication, but I pray for her every day, every day.
01:02:18.960That, um, speaking of praying, have you ever prayed specifically about the idea of generational
01:02:26.700iniquity um oh yeah yeah yeah that's something that um throughout this show's lifetime i'm
01:02:37.340realizing is like massively important and goes over so many people's heads um you know the debts
01:02:46.980that are owed the debts that have been paid for but if you don't actively ask for that you know
01:02:53.640for these sins or these bonds to be broken.
01:03:22.740Science is starting to catch up to the idea of generational iniquity, but it completely ignores the spiritual implications of that.
01:03:31.720And it just says, yeah, if you've experienced trauma, then those fears or those insecurities or those anxieties, those psychological disorders, you know, void entirely of the spiritual context can be passed down to you.
01:03:47.060And it's just funny because, I don't know, we had this conversation earlier, Dr. Masood,
01:03:53.600and he was talking about Islam, and he came from being Muslim and is now Christian, has
01:10:56.520And so that's why there's these like parallels that they try to explain in like a natural way, like that it's a disease or that it's a progressive disease.
01:11:04.040But it's but Jesus explained it clearly.
01:11:07.580But if you don't if you don't like take care of that environment, boom, it's coming back even more evil, which would manifest like a progressive disease.