Order of Man - 10 Harsh Truths for Every Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 There's problems that you're going to have to deal with in life that have nothing to do with you,

00:00:04.540 that may be completely outside of your control. And we'll talk a little bit more about that here

00:00:08.600 shortly. But every problem that you do have is your responsibility. The breakdown in your

00:00:12.800 marriage, that's your responsibility. The rough conversation you had with a client,

00:00:16.400 that's your responsibility. The fact that you missed the deadline, regardless of who contributed

00:00:21.480 to that missing the deadline at work, that's your responsibility. Your health is your responsibility.

00:00:25.840 Your financial abundance, prosperity is your responsibility.

00:00:30.680 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge

00:00:35.720 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You are not

00:00:41.580 easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:48.740 This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:53.100 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, today I want to talk with you about 10 harsh truths

00:00:59.240 for men. Now, as I was reading through my list preparing for this discussion today,

00:01:05.180 I thought that it would be very easy to make this a pessimistic episode and is not intended

00:01:12.840 to be pessimistic at all. In fact, if anything, it's meant to be optimistic and to give you hope

00:01:19.040 and a little direction moving forward. Because we cannot move forward in confidence unless we're

00:01:24.480 dealing in reality. And there's 10 truths that I've identified that every man needs to embrace

00:01:29.720 in his life. And although it may feel negative or feel like a downer, again, once you embrace these

00:01:36.460 concepts, you can move forward in focusing on the select few things that actually matter in your life,

00:01:43.440 the select few things that will move the needle more than anything else, and again, move forward

00:01:48.420 in confidence. So let's just jump right into this today. These are in no particular order,

00:01:53.200 but again, I've got 10 harsh truths. Number one is you do not deserve a thing.

00:01:59.280 You don't deserve anything. Now, look, you may have a great relationship. You may have a great

00:02:03.460 career. You might be making a lot of money. You might be enjoying your personal health. There's a lot

00:02:09.640 of wonderful things about your life that you feel like you've earned. And I will say that maybe you

00:02:14.120 have earned those things, but you certainly don't deserve anything. And I use that language very

00:02:19.980 deliberately because once you start to believe that you deserve things, it almost alludes to the

00:02:25.720 concept or idea that you're entitled to things that you haven't earned. And also just because you've

00:02:32.420 earned something, maybe it's financial success or a great career, it doesn't mean that you're entitled

00:02:38.860 to that same result just because you've earned it in the past. Every single day, a man needs to go out

00:02:45.360 and earn his keep. He needs to go out and produce for his family. He needs to go out and produce for

00:02:51.740 himself and his business and his clients. And he needs to be productive in society. And granted,

00:02:58.460 naturally, when you do those things over long and sustained periods of time, you will be rewarded for

00:03:03.620 good work and good effort, but you don't deserve it. So let's get away from this whole concept of

00:03:09.960 entitlement, of believing we're entitled to something, of thinking it's our time. There's also

00:03:15.360 a danger in that because when we think that we're entitled to something purely on time or experience

00:03:21.360 and not merit necessarily, there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What are you supposed to do?

00:03:26.980 Sit around and twiddle your thumbs and wait for your ship to come in because it's quote unquote

00:03:30.460 your time? Well, if you do that, you're going to be waiting a very long time. So go out and prove

00:03:35.680 yourself, go out and make yourself valuable, not only in your personal relationships, but your career

00:03:40.460 pursuits and aspirations. And the more you get out of this mindset of deserving things in life,

00:03:45.060 the more likely you are to get to work, put your head down, do the job, and you will be rewarded

00:03:50.720 handsomely for doing so. Number two is your worth to others will always be measured in your performance.

00:03:57.920 Now, I want to be very clear when I say this, I'm not talking about your worth as a human being.

00:04:03.240 I believe that we are sons of God. I believe that we are divine in nature. And I believe that there is

00:04:10.440 an incredible, almost unlimited inherent worth in who we are. It's stored potential,

00:04:17.020 but your value, maybe that's a better way to say it, your value to other people will always be

00:04:24.280 measured in performance. You know, the adage is that dogs and children and women are loved

00:04:29.840 unconditionally and, and men are loved conditionally. And that again, might sound harsh. That's the point

00:04:36.960 of this conversation today, but I believe that. And it's not meant to put you down. It's not meant to

00:04:44.240 beat you up. It's not meant to make you feel bad. It's just to show you that if you want to have good

00:04:50.840 people around you and meaningful, fulfilling, enjoyable relationships, then you need to add value

00:04:58.220 to those relationships. I know, I know a lot of guys will say, well, that's not fair. And that isn't how it

00:05:04.720 should work. What I'm sharing with you today has nothing to do with what should or should not be only

00:05:10.560 what is. And the more that you can operate from a place of reality, as opposed to delusional fantasy

00:05:17.480 slash fairytale land, the better off you're going to be. So I'm not here to say that you need to

00:05:24.780 subjugate yourself to other people that you need to be at their whim, that you need to be taken

00:05:30.280 advantage of or abused because you're only going to be loved if you produce. I'm not saying that at all.

00:05:35.600 But what I am telling you is that if you want a great relationship with your wife or significant

00:05:41.400 other, you want a great career, you want clients, you want friendships, then the best way to do that

00:05:49.000 is to add value to people's lives. And naturally, that's going to come back to you. It's going to

00:05:53.740 reciprocate. And if people are unwilling to reciprocate, either personally or professionally,

00:05:58.260 then that's a relationship you may consider cutting off. But know that if you lead with value,

00:06:03.060 you're always going to be perceived as being more valuable, obviously, than the guy who leads with

00:06:09.260 zero or little value. So find a way to be productive. Find a way to serve people. Find a way

00:06:16.920 to add value to their lives and enrich their lives. And you will build and develop and sustain more

00:06:23.520 meaningful relationships. Number three, the more you improve for someone else, the less meaningful it

00:06:29.800 will be. Now, this one is a little bit at odds with what I just said. But if you're trying to improve

00:06:36.080 for the validation or approval of other people, it's not going to be meaningful. And frankly, it's not

00:06:41.380 going to be lasting either. The reason that you improve is because inherently, it's the right thing

00:06:48.020 to do. And also, the more you improve, the better you're going to feel about yourself.

00:06:54.040 And the better you feel about yourself, the more confidence you have, the more confidence you have,

00:06:59.580 the more courage and conviction that you'll exhibit. And the more courage and conviction

00:07:03.400 that you exhibit, the more success you'll have, you'll add more value, and therefore, you'll develop

00:07:07.840 and build more meaningful relationships. Guys, we don't improve for other people. Don't improve for

00:07:13.840 your wife. Don't improve for your kid. Don't improve for your clients. Improve because it's for you, 0.68

00:07:20.640 and it's the right thing to do. Now, there will be beneficiaries of your improvement.

00:07:25.820 You getting physically stronger, mentally stronger, more emotionally in control of your life and your

00:07:31.220 thoughts and your emotions is naturally going to help your wife. It's naturally going to help your kids

00:07:41.340 and your clients and your employees and your employers, of course. So they are going to be the

00:07:46.760 beneficiary of the work that you do. But if you're doing it for somebody else, the danger in that

00:07:51.920 is that you're waiting for them to give their nod of approval. And if the only reason you're doing

00:07:59.840 something is for somebody else to notice and acknowledge it, and they don't notice and or

00:08:05.920 acknowledge it to the degree that you want to be recognized, you're going to quit doing that thing

00:08:10.680 almost immediately. If you're working out, so people will tell you how great you look. And if

00:08:17.280 nobody tells you how great you look, then you're going to feel deflated and you're going to stop

00:08:20.680 working out. But if you're working out because it makes you feel good about yourself, you're developing

00:08:27.040 discipline, which feels great and builds confidence. You're starting to look at yourself and losing some

00:08:31.600 of that extra weight that you're carrying around. You're going to carry yourself differently and

00:08:35.840 naturally add more value to people's lives. So if you're currently working to improve for the

00:08:43.300 validation of other people, for the acknowledgement or the accolades that may come with it, stop doing

00:08:49.380 that. Instead, start focusing on how you feel and why the good work you're doing is intrinsically

00:08:55.800 valuable. All right, let's go to the next one. We're on number four. Every problem that you have in life

00:09:01.300 is your responsibility. I don't think it's always your fault. I've said that in the past.

00:09:05.360 There's problems that you're going to have to deal with in life that have nothing to do with you,

00:09:12.400 that may be completely outside of your control. And we'll talk a little bit more about that here

00:09:16.480 shortly. But every problem that you do have is your responsibility. The breakdown in your marriage,

00:09:22.080 that's your responsibility. The rough conversation you had with a client, that's your responsibility.

00:09:27.600 The fact that you missed the deadline, regardless of who contributed to that missing the deadline at work,

00:09:32.580 that's your responsibility. Your health is your responsibility. Your financial abundance,

00:09:38.560 prosperity is your responsibility. The more you realize that the things in your life, even though

00:09:44.600 some things are beyond our control or within our responsibility, the quicker we'll get to the path of

00:09:49.040 the solution. If you've got, for example, a deadline at work on a new project, and you've got different

00:09:59.120 departments and different people you're working with, and they're not getting that stuff to you the way that

00:10:02.820 you need it, and the project fails because of that, that may not entirely be your fault, but it's your 0.56

00:10:10.960 responsibility in the next iteration to bring in the right people, to communicate more effectively, to be a little

00:10:20.100 bit more realistic in the expectation of timeframe, and to actually make that project a success. So that might mean

00:10:28.040 you need to let a few people go. That might mean you need to put people in different places, or even bring in

00:10:33.740 somebody from the outside to fill a gap that was present in the first iteration of this project.

00:10:40.060 This is meant to be empowering.

00:10:43.720 Okay, people will say, oh, it's all my responsibility. I can't shoulder that weight, and men are expected to do 0.89

00:10:48.540 everything. Yeah, we are expected to do a lot. And isn't that a wonderful thing?

00:10:55.340 Meaningful responsibility is fulfilling. It's rewarding. It's valuable. It makes a man feel like he's worth

00:11:01.060 having around, and frankly, that's because you are. Take things upon yourself. You don't have to take all

00:11:08.680 the blame or all the fault, but if you learn to take responsibility for the things that are going wrong

00:11:13.740 in your life, even if they're not your fault, you are going to be empowered to make better choices

00:11:19.400 moving forward, and it's always, when you're making better choices, going to lead to a better outcome.

00:11:25.880 Let's go to number five. No one wants to be around a vulnerable man.

00:11:31.680 This one is going to be controversial. Every time I bring this up, people debate and argue,

00:11:38.380 and I had a little minor debate, not an argument necessarily, a little debate on Instagram with

00:11:44.180 somebody that I really respect. I don't like the word vulnerability. You guys have heard me say that,

00:11:50.620 and I don't like it because nobody knows what it means. It's been captured by the branding people,

00:11:56.660 by the marketers, and by women trying to convince men to act like a woman, and it's just not healthy.

00:12:05.640 People don't want vulnerability from men. They don't. They'll tell you they do. They'll tell you

00:12:11.600 it's okay to cry. They'll tell you it's okay to express your feelings any way that you might need

00:12:17.240 to or feel like you can. When it really comes down to it, that isn't what people are looking for from

00:12:24.160 men. And this might be a little bit of a semantical game here that we're playing, but I think it's

00:12:31.940 important we define it because when you say vulnerability, what even does that mean?

00:12:36.820 That's why I don't like that word because to so many different people, it means something

00:12:41.820 completely different. Here's the words I use. And this was introduced to me, and I don't want to

00:12:45.840 take credit for this, by a friend of mine, Jack Donovan. And we have very similar viewpoints in this.

00:12:53.180 He chooses to use, and I have adopted this, the words humility and honesty.

00:12:58.840 That's what people want. So for example, in a relationship, a lot of women will say, 1.00

00:13:06.520 oh, I want a man who can cry, who can express himself. That's what they say. But the minute

00:13:11.300 you do it, it undermines the relationship, and they're completely repulsed and turned off by it.

00:13:18.680 So is that really what she wants? She'll say that, but what she really wants is not a man who's

00:13:24.580 quote unquote vulnerable, but a man who is in control of himself and can be humble and say,

00:13:30.180 I don't know. And that's okay to say to your woman, I don't know. I don't have all the answers. 1.00

00:13:37.880 That's humility. Honesty is, hey, hon, you know, I had a bad day at work. My client did this,

00:13:45.580 and my boss did this, and it was a hard day. That's honesty. It's not vulnerability because it's

00:13:52.800 not weakness. Vulnerable by its definition is a weakness. It's a weak point. If we live in this

00:14:00.720 castled, walled city, and there's an enemy coming to destroy us, they're going to look for vulnerabilities,

00:14:09.700 weaknesses in our defense, and they're going to exploit those vulnerabilities. If on the other hand,

00:14:16.560 I, as maybe the defender of this city, don't embrace vulnerability, but I'm humble. Hey, look,

00:14:25.260 we think that we have a superior position, but they have these weapons and these resources and

00:14:29.880 this many people. And so we need to be humble and not be over arrogant in our defense of this

00:14:36.200 fortress. So how can we address this? Honesty is saying, hey, the left wall over there,

00:14:41.240 that's a weakness. We're vulnerable over there. So let's get a dozen guys and go start fixing that

00:14:48.420 area of the wall. Or we don't have the catapults or the tools or whatever, the cannons that we need

00:14:54.280 to successfully defend ourself against these people. So let's start forging these weapons and

00:14:59.840 these tools, and let's start training with them so that we can successfully defend our city.

00:15:04.480 Humility. That's what it means to be honest. So what does it look like in a relationship?

00:15:11.080 I just shared it. Hey, I'm having a hard day because of X, Y, and Z. Humility. I don't have

00:15:19.280 it all figured out. I don't know. What do you think? Bringing other people into the conversation,

00:15:24.000 whether that, again, that's your significant other or a business partner or a friend, a family,

00:15:28.160 a colleague, coworker, et cetera. Now I was introduced to another concept by a friend of mine,

00:15:32.500 Connor Beaton with Man Talks. And I was asking about this, and we had a good conversation about

00:15:37.040 this concept of vulnerability. And he said, and I love this. He said, Ryan, when women say they want 0.89

00:15:44.380 vulnerability, what they really want is a man who can be honest and humble, like we talked about.

00:15:50.160 And then there's a third component of this, that they have a path forward.

00:15:55.980 Because nobody wants to hear anybody else complain. Your wife doesn't want you to complain or at least 0.98

00:16:04.520 hear you complain about how hard your life is. And woe is me. Your clients don't care about your

00:16:10.560 problems. Your problems aren't even on your kids' radar. Nobody cares about any of that.

00:16:17.460 What they care about from you, and this goes back to the point I was talking about,

00:16:20.580 you're worth being measured in performance, is that you understand the weaknesses that you have.

00:16:28.880 You understand the shortcomings, and you have a plan for dealing with it.

00:16:35.360 So when you go talk with your wife about, you know, I had a hard day. My boss was down my throat.

00:16:41.440 I lost a client. And, you know, then I didn't get all the things I wanted to get done. That's just

00:16:45.940 complaining. You could say that's vulnerability, but it's just weakness. It's like, yeah, everything's

00:16:51.420 happening to me. And you feel like you're a victim. Instead, it's, you know, my boss really

00:16:55.940 crawled down my throat. And that wasn't fun to deal with. But here's what I did. I assertively

00:17:03.780 communicated with him. I listened to the problems that he had. I expressed my concerns with whatever

00:17:08.840 was going on. And we walked away with a pretty good solution moving forward.

00:17:12.940 Man, a woman hears something like that. She doesn't hear you complain. What she hears is,

00:17:18.540 this is a solution-oriented man. This is a guy who recognizes that he doesn't have it all figured

00:17:24.160 out. So he's not driven by ego or pride or arrogance. He's driven by being solution-oriented.

00:17:30.160 He solves problems. Therefore, he is, as I said in point two, valuable. He's worth having around.

00:17:37.260 So, again, maybe that's just semantics. But regardless, I think it's very important we

00:17:44.680 start to distinguish and differentiate between what vulnerability is, weakness, and what honesty

00:17:50.160 and humility are, which can lead to strengthening and fortifying your shortcomings.

00:17:56.700 All right, let's go to the next one. This is number, let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six. I should

00:18:01.700 have labeled you six. Number six is no one is going to rescue you. No one's going to save you from

00:18:10.100 yourself. No one's going to save you from your problems. And even if they do, it comes with strings

00:18:14.760 attached. So be aware of that. If somebody rushes in to solve your problems or give you money in

00:18:20.680 financial hardship or do whatever it is you think you need, it typically comes with strings attached and

00:18:25.140 you need to be aware of that. Again, as I said earlier, you have a responsibility to take care

00:18:32.040 of yourself. You have a responsibility to make yourself more capable in all ways. Nobody cares

00:18:41.540 about your problems. Nobody's going to do anything about your problems. And it's up to you. Now, I know

00:18:48.660 that sounds like I'm being pessimistic. And when I say no one, there are going to be people who care

00:18:54.760 about you. And there are going to be people who offer a hand. But what I'm trying to tell you is

00:18:59.140 that your problems are your responsibilities. I said earlier, make yourself capable in all ways.

00:19:08.100 Get out of debt. Learn how to make money. Stop eating like garbage so that you're not worried about

00:19:14.300 having unnecessary medical complications. Learn a new skill so that you can be more successful

00:19:21.420 and more productive and valuable at work. Get yourself fit. Grow that bank account. Develop and

00:19:29.560 build skills. This is what we would call a sovereign man. I wrote a book on sovereignty,

00:19:35.380 The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men. A sovereign man knows and he's not reliant on other

00:19:40.840 people. Will he accept a hand if it's given and he needs it? Yeah, sure. That's humility, right? We just

00:19:45.560 talked about that. But he doesn't need it. He doesn't always have to rely on other people to

00:19:51.800 solve his problems or rescue him from his own shortcomings. No one's going to save you. You

00:19:59.260 have to do it yourself. Number seven, engaging in meaningful discomfort is the only path to growth.

00:20:06.180 This, I hate this, but it's the reality. If you want to grow, it's only going to come when you're

00:20:13.080 engaged in meaningful suffering. And I say meaningful suffering or discomfort because it has to be

00:20:20.140 meaningful. If I go bang my head against the wall over there 10 times, we'd all agree that's going

00:20:26.160 to be uncomfortable and probably a little suffering involved. It's not meaningful. It doesn't lead me to

00:20:32.500 anything successful. So your suffering and discomfort has to be meaningful and significant in order for you

00:20:38.840 to grow and it's going to be painful and it's going to be uncomfortable and you're not going to like it

00:20:43.760 and you're going to resist it and you're probably going to throw a temper tantrum and you're going to

00:20:47.700 be upset. Good, as Jocko would say. All of those things mean you're on a path to doing something that

00:20:55.940 you've never done before. So if there's projects at work and somebody needs to do it and they're looking

00:21:03.000 for a volunteer, you're going to feel really uncomfortable about that, but you ought to do

00:21:07.100 that. It's going to push you outside of that comfort zone and it's going to make you better.

00:21:13.220 Years ago, I was in an organization called BNI, Business Network International. And every week we

00:21:20.340 would meet as business professionals and exchange referrals. Also every week there was one to two

00:21:26.620 presenters that would take anywhere from five to 10 minutes to present their business or what they

00:21:33.360 were looking for. And every week I went to the president of the chapter and I said, hey, if you

00:21:41.960 ever need somebody to present because somebody can't make it or they didn't show, I'm always on standby.

00:21:50.460 Now, some of the members got upset because I ended up presenting more often than other people.

00:21:55.000 But the reason I presented more often than other people is because I was willing to be

00:21:59.180 uncomfortable. And what I would tell the president is, I don't need any prep time. I'm always ready

00:22:05.140 to go. And the first couple of times I presented, it was awkward. It was uncomfortable. I wasn't

00:22:11.040 extremely prepared clearly for what I wanted to present, but I got better and I improved. And I ended up

00:22:19.180 being one of the top producers in Business Network International for our chapter. Of course, obviously,

00:22:25.000 because I became a better presenter through the reps that I was doing as my co-host Kip Sorensen would

00:22:32.540 say, it's reps. He would talk about it in the concept of jujitsu. Some of you guys will talk

00:22:39.040 about in the concept of lifting weights. Some of you will talk about in the concept of running a marathon

00:22:44.900 or doing something at work or public speaking, or maybe just sitting in silence and see how that

00:22:52.000 works for you. But if it's uncomfortable and it's meaningful, then you ought to embrace it and not

00:22:57.560 run away from it because you know you're going to grow when you do it. All right, let's go to

00:23:02.300 number eight, I believe. Yes, eight. 99% of what you experience in your life is beyond your control.

00:23:12.080 Now, that's a made-up number. But the point here is that the majority of things in your life

00:23:16.900 are completely outside of your control. And that might be frustrating for some of us who are control

00:23:23.100 freaks like myself. I want control over everything. I want all the variables controlled. And what I've

00:23:30.820 noticed is that I have a natural tendency of strong-arming and coercing and bullying even

00:23:38.400 and leaving a wake of collateral damage in my path because I want to control every aspect of

00:23:44.380 everything. And I'll tell you what, letting go of all of that has been liberating in my life.

00:23:52.560 I'm no longer concerned with the majority of things that I was concerned about. I'm much more pleasant to

00:23:58.340 be around than I was. I'm much happier personally. I'm more fulfilled. And the benefit is that I get to

00:24:06.560 hyper-focus. All that attention I was putting on things that were outside of my control, I can now

00:24:11.840 hyper-focus on the fewer things that are within my control. The technology that we use, the conversations

00:24:19.980 that I have here on the podcast and other places, my own skill set as a podcaster, as a conversationalist,

00:24:27.640 learning to be more marketable so I can make more money. I can't worry about what the stock market

00:24:33.200 does, but I can worry about how I can be more marketable. I can't worry so much about what my

00:24:38.840 girlfriend does, but I can make myself a more valuable component of our relationship so that

00:24:44.920 I'm adding value to the relationship. And the beautiful thing about this is that even though

00:24:49.620 you can't control the majority of these things, you can certainly influence a lot of those things.

00:24:56.120 And all of these concepts and truths I'm sharing with you, they're all interconnected.

00:25:01.180 So yes, you can influence things as a result of you working on yourself for yourself, which is a

00:25:08.860 point that I made earlier, maybe 0.4 or 5. Guys, learn to let go. That's not to say live a passive

00:25:16.540 life because that's the other extreme. One extreme is controlling everything, even the things you can't

00:25:22.460 control. And the other extreme is controlling nothing and just letting life happen to you because

00:25:27.240 you think goodwill or karma or God's divine blessings bestowed upon you. Neither are true.

00:25:35.160 You need to make things happen in life. But if you focus on the very few things that are within your

00:25:40.220 control, you're going to have more influence of other people. And you're going to start to notice

00:25:44.240 that the things outside of your control start to land more in your favor. And even when they don't land

00:25:50.100 in your favor, you're not crippled by it. It's not catastrophic, like maybe it once was. You can

00:25:57.420 adapt. You can adjust. You can pivot. You can go around. You can go through. You can go under. You can

00:26:03.100 go over. And you can completely eliminate or overcome the obstacles that will inevitably show up that are

00:26:12.680 beyond your control. So what I would suggest to you in this truth here is to make a list of all the

00:26:19.280 things that you think you have control over. Maybe that list is 10 or 50 or 100. Go ahead and make

00:26:24.180 that list. Get a journal out. And I would highly recommend that you do have a journal. But get that

00:26:28.540 journal out. Start documenting and writing all those things down. And then crossing it off if you

00:26:33.340 can't control it. Just cross it off. And then you're going to be left with 5, 10, 15% of the things

00:26:40.120 in your life that are within your control. Good. Those are the things you need to focus on.

00:26:45.080 All right. Let's go to number nine. You cannot save people who are not willing to participate

00:26:51.600 in the rescue. This one is a big one for a lot of guys. We, on our Ask Me Anythings, which

00:26:56.380 we do every Wednesday, a common question we get is, I have a friend who's going down a

00:27:01.920 bad path. He's an alcoholic or he's abusing drugs or he's stepping out on his wife or he's

00:27:06.460 making bad choices and he's kind of a bum and he's being lazy, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. 0.90

00:27:10.200 How do I help him? What do I do? And the painful answer is that you might not be able to do anything.

00:27:21.560 That's not easy for, like I mentioned earlier, a control freak to deal with. And it's just not

00:27:27.780 easy for somebody who wants to be a loyal friend to deal with. As men, we're typically solution

00:27:33.560 oriented. So we think, oh, we can go in and we can rescue this person. Well, if that person's not

00:27:39.620 willing to rescue themselves, they're not willing to participate in the process of growth and

00:27:45.460 recovery, there's nothing you can say or do that will change that person. And over the past couple

00:27:51.680 of years, I've really made a heavy emphasis and focus of not really giving all of my answers to

00:27:58.080 unsolicited to people who don't ask for it, not trying to change people and who they are,

00:28:04.860 just letting them live their life. It's beyond my control. I can influence to a degree, but it's

00:28:10.900 beyond my control. They make their own choices. And so I will share what I need to share. I will give

00:28:18.300 my opinion if it's asked for. I will open up my arms and share and help readily if I can,

00:28:25.560 but I don't attach myself to the outcome, at least my identity to it. If I have a friend,

00:28:33.740 for example, who's going through a hard time because him and his wife are going through a

00:28:36.980 divorce, I'm going to call that person. I'm going to check in on that person. I'm going to offer

00:28:41.660 advice if they ask for it. I'm going to do everything I can, but their divorce, whether it

00:28:46.820 works or not, is not within my control. It's nothing I have control over. And so if that divorce happens,

00:28:52.860 that's not my fault or my problem. If a friend, and this one might be even controversial,

00:29:00.480 if a friend, heaven forbid, is going through bouts of chronic depression and anxiety and suicidal

00:29:07.360 ideation, I'm going to help that person. I'm going to talk to that person. I'm going to reach out. I'm

00:29:14.380 going to invite them into my circle. But if ultimately that person decides to end their life,

00:29:18.760 I don't attach myself to that result. That isn't, that wasn't my responsibility. It's,

00:29:24.520 it's horrific. It's tragic. It's unfortunate. I hate it. And I've had people in my life who have

00:29:30.000 taken their lives, but my identity is not tied to what other people do. My identity is tied up in what

00:29:37.460 I do, but I can't manipulate people like I have in the past or strong arm or coerce them to do

00:29:46.220 what they don't want to do. So I help and I share and I give access to my resources abundantly.

00:29:54.500 And then I let the chips fall where they may. If somebody falls off a boat and they're in the

00:30:03.240 ice cold, you know, ocean, and I throw the life preserver out to them, they still have to grab it.

00:30:10.820 If I throw it out and they don't grab it, like, what am I supposed to do?

00:30:17.360 So I throw the life vest out, they grab it, and then I pull it in and I rescue that person

00:30:22.960 with their help. They have to participate in it. All right, let's go to number 10. This is the last

00:30:29.380 one. Again, some of these are going to be very controversial. So I'd love to hear what you guys

00:30:32.640 have to say. Depression, so here's number 10, depression and other emotions are part of life

00:30:38.980 and there might not be anything wrong with you. So you hear that and say, that's not harsh. There's

00:30:47.580 nothing wrong with me. Often there isn't. Guys, we're going to go through bouts of depression.

00:30:53.780 We're going to feel down. We're going to feel sad. We're going to have anger. We're going to be

00:30:59.160 frustrated. We're going to have guilt and shame and all of these things. And none of those things

00:31:05.560 mean that there's anything wrong with you necessarily. Now, if you're dealing with chronic

00:31:10.140 depression, that is a problem that needs to be addressed through your medical professionals.

00:31:17.320 But if you're feeling down, please don't think there's anything wrong with you or that you're

00:31:22.260 broken or that you even need fixing. Maybe you just need to experience being down because

00:31:29.140 something happened. Your girlfriend broke up with you. Your wife divorced you. You're going

00:31:33.960 through a bankruptcy. You got in a car wreck. You are dealing with a medical condition. And I'm not

00:31:37.940 trying to dismiss any of the struggle that comes with any of those scenarios. I'm just saying that if

00:31:44.020 something like that happens, it would be weird if you weren't depressed. I'd wonder if you were a

00:31:49.580 psychopath or hiding. It'd be weird if you weren't mad or sad or had guilt or sorrow or shame or grief. 0.98

00:31:57.540 Of course, you're going to have those things.

00:32:02.200 So what can you do about it? Again, you're not broken. But what I would suggest is that you build

00:32:07.920 up a good solid band of brothers, good men in your corner who can work you through through things.

00:32:13.480 I had something I needed to bring up to a friend and I called Kip Sorensen. Again, I mentioned him

00:32:18.080 earlier. He's the co-host of our Ask Me Anything podcast. I called him up about a month or two ago.

00:32:23.160 I was having a personal problem and I said, hey man, here's what I'm dealing with.

00:32:27.100 And I would just like some of your insight because he'd been through some similar things and

00:32:30.820 he shared some insight with me and it was invaluable. I couldn't have done that if he

00:32:38.480 wasn't there in my corner, if we hadn't nurtured and developed and built that relationship over the

00:32:42.300 past eight years now. Who can you call? What men are in your corner? What friends do you have who you

00:32:49.660 could call on a moment's notice and say, man, I'm struggling with this. What do you got for me?

00:32:54.440 If you don't have that person, you really need to work on developing that band of brothers.

00:32:59.240 I would also suggest that journaling, writing your thoughts, documenting how you feel. Sometimes

00:33:05.600 that's enough for me. I've got my journal over there on my nightstand. And so if I'm feeling down

00:33:11.140 or depressed or anxious or guilty or sorrowful, I'll pop that journal out and just write down what I'm

00:33:16.880 feeling. Hey, I'm angry because of this situation or I'm feeling down today or a lot of anxiety today

00:33:23.100 because of how work's going or whatever the issue might be. And just writing it down and getting it

00:33:27.980 out of my mind is helpful. But I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I don't think

00:33:31.720 there's anything to fix. This is part of the human condition. So we need to address it. But again,

00:33:37.440 there's nothing wrong with me. And then the other component I would share with this, and this one,

00:33:42.140 a lot of guys don't agree with, and I probably would have been in that camp several years ago too,

00:33:47.200 is therapy. For me, therapy has been really valuable. Now I was going through the motions.

00:33:53.600 I've been doing therapy for quite a while now, but I was going through the motions up until about two

00:33:59.960 or three months ago, and I decided to get serious about it. And so I've got a friend, I wouldn't say

00:34:07.340 a close friend, but a friend and an acquaintance who has a therapy practice here in town. And I reached

00:34:13.080 out to him. And I said, hey, man, I'm thinking about sitting down and talking with you about some

00:34:17.200 issues I have and some struggles and some challenges that I'm trying to overcome. And it's been great.

00:34:23.300 It took me time to find the right guy, the right person, but it's been great because it's not me just

00:34:29.020 yapping about my thoughts. It's very action-oriented. He gets me to see things in ways that I haven't

00:34:34.740 seen them before, a new perspective, new insights, and then he moves me towards taking action that

00:34:40.300 will inevitably make me feel better about the path I'm on. So between finding a good band of

00:34:46.800 brothers, journaling, and therapy with the right person, it has to be the right person, and you

00:34:51.860 have to experiment with that, that has all proven to be invaluable when it comes to the depression,

00:34:57.680 anxiety, frustrations, anger, sorrow, guilt, et cetera, that I personally deal with. And I would

00:35:03.060 highly recommend that for you as well. So man, those are my 10 truths. There's probably a lot

00:35:07.720 more. There is a lot more, but these are 10 that I picked out, hand-selected, that I thought would

00:35:11.820 be valuable to you. Again, this episode wasn't to be pessimistic about everything. It's to give you

00:35:17.480 hope and optimism that if you focus on these things, you can actually take control of your life

00:35:22.260 and you can produce the results that you desire. So let's go through each one of these again,

00:35:27.180 and we'll wrap things up. Number one, you don't deserve anything. Number two, your worth to others,

00:35:33.060 will be measured in your performance. Number three, the more you improve for someone else,

00:35:37.280 the less meaningful it will be. I think that was number three, actually. Number four,

00:35:42.900 every problem you have is your responsibility. Number five, no one wants to be around a vulnerable 0.96

00:35:48.740 man. Number six, no one is going to rescue you. Number seven, engaging in meaningful discomfort is

00:35:54.760 the only path to growth. Eight, 99%. Of course, I'm making that number up, but a large percentage of

00:35:59.920 what you experience in life is beyond your control. Number nine, you can't save people who aren't

00:36:06.760 willing to participate in the rescue. And number 10, depression and your other emotions are part of

00:36:11.960 life and there might not actually be anything wrong with you. So if you have other ideas or if you don't

00:36:18.460 entirely agree with the things that I've shared here, I'm sure I'm going to hear a lot about

00:36:23.300 vulnerability. I'm sure I'm going to hear about depression. There's going to be some things I'm going

00:36:28.020 to hear about. And I'm open to that. I want to hear those things. That is the point of what we do

00:36:31.960 here. Discussion, meaningful, civil discourse so that we can begin to work through our problems.

00:36:39.560 All right, guys, I hope that helps. On a parting note, I did mention in number 10 that building your

00:36:44.040 band of brothers is something that every man needs to do. If you're having a hard time doing that in

00:36:48.740 your area, and even if you're not, but you want some different input, our brotherhood,

00:36:52.860 the Iron Council is open right now. We are talking about these issues. We are confronting

00:36:58.480 everything that we talked about here and more. We are helping each other drive each other into

00:37:05.260 taking action, meaningful action that will actually move the needle. We're helping men identify what

00:37:11.160 their weaknesses are, what their vulnerabilities are, where they need to work, how they need to improve

00:37:16.100 in their relationships, both personally and professionally. We meet every single week.

00:37:20.660 We bring guest experts in. You work with a team of 10 to 15 guys very closely, and you can meet with

00:37:27.160 them. Meetups happening all throughout the country and across the globe. It's a very powerful

00:37:32.260 brotherhood, and we're only open until the end of this month, June. So if you want to enroll and check

00:37:37.520 it out, go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. Again, orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. Check it out.

00:37:44.640 Watch a quick video. See what we're all about. Join us, even if you just want to test it out and see what

00:37:49.660 it's all about. And I think it'll help. We wouldn't have built it to where it is over nine years to

00:37:55.100 where it is right now with over a thousand members if it didn't help these guys. So check it out.

00:37:59.160 Again, orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. All right, guys, that's my conversation for you today. I've got

00:38:03.960 a very good one lined up for you next week on sexual improvement and development and how you can be

00:38:12.360 more intimate with your significant other. Make sure you check that one out. All right, guys,

00:38:17.400 we'll be back next week. Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:38:25.400 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:38:30.000 and be more of the man you were meant to be? We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:38:35.560 you be more than just the order of the feminine you are surprised to have a beautiful morning.

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Order of Man - June 21, 2024

10 Harsh Truths for Every Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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