Order of Man - June 21, 2024


10 Harsh Truths for Every Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats

Length

39 minutes

Words per Minute

178.8577

Word Count

6,977

Sentence Count

532

Misogynist Sentences

3

Hate Speech Sentences

6


Summary

10 Hard Truths for Men: Why You Don't Deserve Anything. 1. You don't deserve anything. 2. Your worth will always be measured by your performance. 3. The more you get out of this mindset of deserving things in life, the more likely you are to move forward in focusing on the select few things that actually matter in your life.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 There's problems that you're going to have to deal with in life that have nothing to do with you,
00:00:04.540 that may be completely outside of your control. And we'll talk a little bit more about that here
00:00:08.600 shortly. But every problem that you do have is your responsibility. The breakdown in your
00:00:12.800 marriage, that's your responsibility. The rough conversation you had with a client,
00:00:16.400 that's your responsibility. The fact that you missed the deadline, regardless of who contributed
00:00:21.480 to that missing the deadline at work, that's your responsibility. Your health is your responsibility.
00:00:25.840 Your financial abundance, prosperity is your responsibility.
00:00:30.680 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly charge
00:00:35.720 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You are not
00:00:41.580 easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who you are.
00:00:48.740 This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:53.100 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, today I want to talk with you about 10 harsh truths
00:00:59.240 for men. Now, as I was reading through my list preparing for this discussion today,
00:01:05.180 I thought that it would be very easy to make this a pessimistic episode and is not intended
00:01:12.840 to be pessimistic at all. In fact, if anything, it's meant to be optimistic and to give you hope
00:01:19.040 and a little direction moving forward. Because we cannot move forward in confidence unless we're
00:01:24.480 dealing in reality. And there's 10 truths that I've identified that every man needs to embrace
00:01:29.720 in his life. And although it may feel negative or feel like a downer, again, once you embrace these
00:01:36.460 concepts, you can move forward in focusing on the select few things that actually matter in your life,
00:01:43.440 the select few things that will move the needle more than anything else, and again, move forward
00:01:48.420 in confidence. So let's just jump right into this today. These are in no particular order,
00:01:53.200 but again, I've got 10 harsh truths. Number one is you do not deserve a thing.
00:01:59.280 You don't deserve anything. Now, look, you may have a great relationship. You may have a great
00:02:03.460 career. You might be making a lot of money. You might be enjoying your personal health. There's a lot
00:02:09.640 of wonderful things about your life that you feel like you've earned. And I will say that maybe you
00:02:14.120 have earned those things, but you certainly don't deserve anything. And I use that language very
00:02:19.980 deliberately because once you start to believe that you deserve things, it almost alludes to the
00:02:25.720 concept or idea that you're entitled to things that you haven't earned. And also just because you've
00:02:32.420 earned something, maybe it's financial success or a great career, it doesn't mean that you're entitled
00:02:38.860 to that same result just because you've earned it in the past. Every single day, a man needs to go out
00:02:45.360 and earn his keep. He needs to go out and produce for his family. He needs to go out and produce for
00:02:51.740 himself and his business and his clients. And he needs to be productive in society. And granted,
00:02:58.460 naturally, when you do those things over long and sustained periods of time, you will be rewarded for
00:03:03.620 good work and good effort, but you don't deserve it. So let's get away from this whole concept of
00:03:09.960 entitlement, of believing we're entitled to something, of thinking it's our time. There's also
00:03:15.360 a danger in that because when we think that we're entitled to something purely on time or experience
00:03:21.360 and not merit necessarily, there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What are you supposed to do?
00:03:26.980 Sit around and twiddle your thumbs and wait for your ship to come in because it's quote unquote
00:03:30.460 your time? Well, if you do that, you're going to be waiting a very long time. So go out and prove
00:03:35.680 yourself, go out and make yourself valuable, not only in your personal relationships, but your career
00:03:40.460 pursuits and aspirations. And the more you get out of this mindset of deserving things in life,
00:03:45.060 the more likely you are to get to work, put your head down, do the job, and you will be rewarded
00:03:50.720 handsomely for doing so. Number two is your worth to others will always be measured in your performance.
00:03:57.920 Now, I want to be very clear when I say this, I'm not talking about your worth as a human being.
00:04:03.240 I believe that we are sons of God. I believe that we are divine in nature. And I believe that there is
00:04:10.440 an incredible, almost unlimited inherent worth in who we are. It's stored potential,
00:04:17.020 but your value, maybe that's a better way to say it, your value to other people will always be
00:04:24.280 measured in performance. You know, the adage is that dogs and children and women are loved
00:04:29.840 unconditionally and, and men are loved conditionally. And that again, might sound harsh. That's the point
00:04:36.960 of this conversation today, but I believe that. And it's not meant to put you down. It's not meant to
00:04:44.240 beat you up. It's not meant to make you feel bad. It's just to show you that if you want to have good
00:04:50.840 people around you and meaningful, fulfilling, enjoyable relationships, then you need to add value
00:04:58.220 to those relationships. I know, I know a lot of guys will say, well, that's not fair. And that isn't how it
00:05:04.720 should work. What I'm sharing with you today has nothing to do with what should or should not be only
00:05:10.560 what is. And the more that you can operate from a place of reality, as opposed to delusional fantasy
00:05:17.480 slash fairytale land, the better off you're going to be. So I'm not here to say that you need to
00:05:24.780 subjugate yourself to other people that you need to be at their whim, that you need to be taken
00:05:30.280 advantage of or abused because you're only going to be loved if you produce. I'm not saying that at all.
00:05:35.600 But what I am telling you is that if you want a great relationship with your wife or significant
00:05:41.400 other, you want a great career, you want clients, you want friendships, then the best way to do that
00:05:49.000 is to add value to people's lives. And naturally, that's going to come back to you. It's going to
00:05:53.740 reciprocate. And if people are unwilling to reciprocate, either personally or professionally,
00:05:58.260 then that's a relationship you may consider cutting off. But know that if you lead with value,
00:06:03.060 you're always going to be perceived as being more valuable, obviously, than the guy who leads with
00:06:09.260 zero or little value. So find a way to be productive. Find a way to serve people. Find a way
00:06:16.920 to add value to their lives and enrich their lives. And you will build and develop and sustain more
00:06:23.520 meaningful relationships. Number three, the more you improve for someone else, the less meaningful it
00:06:29.800 will be. Now, this one is a little bit at odds with what I just said. But if you're trying to improve
00:06:36.080 for the validation or approval of other people, it's not going to be meaningful. And frankly, it's not
00:06:41.380 going to be lasting either. The reason that you improve is because inherently, it's the right thing
00:06:48.020 to do. And also, the more you improve, the better you're going to feel about yourself.
00:06:54.040 And the better you feel about yourself, the more confidence you have, the more confidence you have,
00:06:59.580 the more courage and conviction that you'll exhibit. And the more courage and conviction
00:07:03.400 that you exhibit, the more success you'll have, you'll add more value, and therefore, you'll develop
00:07:07.840 and build more meaningful relationships. Guys, we don't improve for other people. Don't improve for
00:07:13.840 your wife. Don't improve for your kid. Don't improve for your clients. Improve because it's for you,
00:07:20.640 and it's the right thing to do. Now, there will be beneficiaries of your improvement.
00:07:25.820 You getting physically stronger, mentally stronger, more emotionally in control of your life and your
00:07:31.220 thoughts and your emotions is naturally going to help your wife. It's naturally going to help your kids
00:07:41.340 and your clients and your employees and your employers, of course. So they are going to be the
00:07:46.760 beneficiary of the work that you do. But if you're doing it for somebody else, the danger in that
00:07:51.920 is that you're waiting for them to give their nod of approval. And if the only reason you're doing
00:07:59.840 something is for somebody else to notice and acknowledge it, and they don't notice and or
00:08:05.920 acknowledge it to the degree that you want to be recognized, you're going to quit doing that thing
00:08:10.680 almost immediately. If you're working out, so people will tell you how great you look. And if
00:08:17.280 nobody tells you how great you look, then you're going to feel deflated and you're going to stop
00:08:20.680 working out. But if you're working out because it makes you feel good about yourself, you're developing
00:08:27.040 discipline, which feels great and builds confidence. You're starting to look at yourself and losing some
00:08:31.600 of that extra weight that you're carrying around. You're going to carry yourself differently and
00:08:35.840 naturally add more value to people's lives. So if you're currently working to improve for the
00:08:43.300 validation of other people, for the acknowledgement or the accolades that may come with it, stop doing
00:08:49.380 that. Instead, start focusing on how you feel and why the good work you're doing is intrinsically
00:08:55.800 valuable. All right, let's go to the next one. We're on number four. Every problem that you have in life
00:09:01.300 is your responsibility. I don't think it's always your fault. I've said that in the past.
00:09:05.360 There's problems that you're going to have to deal with in life that have nothing to do with you,
00:09:12.400 that may be completely outside of your control. And we'll talk a little bit more about that here
00:09:16.480 shortly. But every problem that you do have is your responsibility. The breakdown in your marriage,
00:09:22.080 that's your responsibility. The rough conversation you had with a client, that's your responsibility.
00:09:27.600 The fact that you missed the deadline, regardless of who contributed to that missing the deadline at work,
00:09:32.580 that's your responsibility. Your health is your responsibility. Your financial abundance,
00:09:38.560 prosperity is your responsibility. The more you realize that the things in your life, even though
00:09:44.600 some things are beyond our control or within our responsibility, the quicker we'll get to the path of
00:09:49.040 the solution. If you've got, for example, a deadline at work on a new project, and you've got different
00:09:59.120 departments and different people you're working with, and they're not getting that stuff to you the way that
00:10:02.820 you need it, and the project fails because of that, that may not entirely be your fault, but it's your
00:10:10.960 responsibility in the next iteration to bring in the right people, to communicate more effectively, to be a little
00:10:20.100 bit more realistic in the expectation of timeframe, and to actually make that project a success. So that might mean
00:10:28.040 you need to let a few people go. That might mean you need to put people in different places, or even bring in
00:10:33.740 somebody from the outside to fill a gap that was present in the first iteration of this project.
00:10:40.060 This is meant to be empowering.
00:10:43.720 Okay, people will say, oh, it's all my responsibility. I can't shoulder that weight, and men are expected to do
00:10:48.540 everything. Yeah, we are expected to do a lot. And isn't that a wonderful thing?
00:10:55.340 Meaningful responsibility is fulfilling. It's rewarding. It's valuable. It makes a man feel like he's worth
00:11:01.060 having around, and frankly, that's because you are. Take things upon yourself. You don't have to take all
00:11:08.680 the blame or all the fault, but if you learn to take responsibility for the things that are going wrong
00:11:13.740 in your life, even if they're not your fault, you are going to be empowered to make better choices
00:11:19.400 moving forward, and it's always, when you're making better choices, going to lead to a better outcome.
00:11:25.880 Let's go to number five. No one wants to be around a vulnerable man.
00:11:31.680 This one is going to be controversial. Every time I bring this up, people debate and argue,
00:11:38.380 and I had a little minor debate, not an argument necessarily, a little debate on Instagram with
00:11:44.180 somebody that I really respect. I don't like the word vulnerability. You guys have heard me say that,
00:11:50.620 and I don't like it because nobody knows what it means. It's been captured by the branding people,
00:11:56.660 by the marketers, and by women trying to convince men to act like a woman, and it's just not healthy.
00:12:05.640 People don't want vulnerability from men. They don't. They'll tell you they do. They'll tell you
00:12:11.600 it's okay to cry. They'll tell you it's okay to express your feelings any way that you might need
00:12:17.240 to or feel like you can. When it really comes down to it, that isn't what people are looking for from
00:12:24.160 men. And this might be a little bit of a semantical game here that we're playing, but I think it's
00:12:31.940 important we define it because when you say vulnerability, what even does that mean?
00:12:36.820 That's why I don't like that word because to so many different people, it means something
00:12:41.820 completely different. Here's the words I use. And this was introduced to me, and I don't want to
00:12:45.840 take credit for this, by a friend of mine, Jack Donovan. And we have very similar viewpoints in this.
00:12:53.180 He chooses to use, and I have adopted this, the words humility and honesty.
00:12:58.840 That's what people want. So for example, in a relationship, a lot of women will say,
00:13:06.520 oh, I want a man who can cry, who can express himself. That's what they say. But the minute
00:13:11.300 you do it, it undermines the relationship, and they're completely repulsed and turned off by it.
00:13:18.680 So is that really what she wants? She'll say that, but what she really wants is not a man who's
00:13:24.580 quote unquote vulnerable, but a man who is in control of himself and can be humble and say,
00:13:30.180 I don't know. And that's okay to say to your woman, I don't know. I don't have all the answers.
00:13:37.880 That's humility. Honesty is, hey, hon, you know, I had a bad day at work. My client did this,
00:13:45.580 and my boss did this, and it was a hard day. That's honesty. It's not vulnerability because it's
00:13:52.800 not weakness. Vulnerable by its definition is a weakness. It's a weak point. If we live in this
00:14:00.720 castled, walled city, and there's an enemy coming to destroy us, they're going to look for vulnerabilities,
00:14:09.700 weaknesses in our defense, and they're going to exploit those vulnerabilities. If on the other hand,
00:14:16.560 I, as maybe the defender of this city, don't embrace vulnerability, but I'm humble. Hey, look,
00:14:25.260 we think that we have a superior position, but they have these weapons and these resources and
00:14:29.880 this many people. And so we need to be humble and not be over arrogant in our defense of this
00:14:36.200 fortress. So how can we address this? Honesty is saying, hey, the left wall over there,
00:14:41.240 that's a weakness. We're vulnerable over there. So let's get a dozen guys and go start fixing that
00:14:48.420 area of the wall. Or we don't have the catapults or the tools or whatever, the cannons that we need
00:14:54.280 to successfully defend ourself against these people. So let's start forging these weapons and
00:14:59.840 these tools, and let's start training with them so that we can successfully defend our city.
00:15:04.480 Humility. That's what it means to be honest. So what does it look like in a relationship?
00:15:11.080 I just shared it. Hey, I'm having a hard day because of X, Y, and Z. Humility. I don't have
00:15:19.280 it all figured out. I don't know. What do you think? Bringing other people into the conversation,
00:15:24.000 whether that, again, that's your significant other or a business partner or a friend, a family,
00:15:28.160 a colleague, coworker, et cetera. Now I was introduced to another concept by a friend of mine,
00:15:32.500 Connor Beaton with Man Talks. And I was asking about this, and we had a good conversation about
00:15:37.040 this concept of vulnerability. And he said, and I love this. He said, Ryan, when women say they want
00:15:44.380 vulnerability, what they really want is a man who can be honest and humble, like we talked about.
00:15:50.160 And then there's a third component of this, that they have a path forward.
00:15:55.980 Because nobody wants to hear anybody else complain. Your wife doesn't want you to complain or at least
00:16:04.520 hear you complain about how hard your life is. And woe is me. Your clients don't care about your
00:16:10.560 problems. Your problems aren't even on your kids' radar. Nobody cares about any of that.
00:16:17.460 What they care about from you, and this goes back to the point I was talking about,
00:16:20.580 you're worth being measured in performance, is that you understand the weaknesses that you have.
00:16:28.880 You understand the shortcomings, and you have a plan for dealing with it.
00:16:35.360 So when you go talk with your wife about, you know, I had a hard day. My boss was down my throat.
00:16:41.440 I lost a client. And, you know, then I didn't get all the things I wanted to get done. That's just
00:16:45.940 complaining. You could say that's vulnerability, but it's just weakness. It's like, yeah, everything's
00:16:51.420 happening to me. And you feel like you're a victim. Instead, it's, you know, my boss really
00:16:55.940 crawled down my throat. And that wasn't fun to deal with. But here's what I did. I assertively
00:17:03.780 communicated with him. I listened to the problems that he had. I expressed my concerns with whatever
00:17:08.840 was going on. And we walked away with a pretty good solution moving forward.
00:17:12.940 Man, a woman hears something like that. She doesn't hear you complain. What she hears is,
00:17:18.540 this is a solution-oriented man. This is a guy who recognizes that he doesn't have it all figured
00:17:24.160 out. So he's not driven by ego or pride or arrogance. He's driven by being solution-oriented.
00:17:30.160 He solves problems. Therefore, he is, as I said in point two, valuable. He's worth having around.
00:17:37.260 So, again, maybe that's just semantics. But regardless, I think it's very important we
00:17:44.680 start to distinguish and differentiate between what vulnerability is, weakness, and what honesty
00:17:50.160 and humility are, which can lead to strengthening and fortifying your shortcomings.
00:17:56.700 All right, let's go to the next one. This is number, let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six. I should
00:18:01.700 have labeled you six. Number six is no one is going to rescue you. No one's going to save you from
00:18:10.100 yourself. No one's going to save you from your problems. And even if they do, it comes with strings
00:18:14.760 attached. So be aware of that. If somebody rushes in to solve your problems or give you money in
00:18:20.680 financial hardship or do whatever it is you think you need, it typically comes with strings attached and
00:18:25.140 you need to be aware of that. Again, as I said earlier, you have a responsibility to take care
00:18:32.040 of yourself. You have a responsibility to make yourself more capable in all ways. Nobody cares
00:18:41.540 about your problems. Nobody's going to do anything about your problems. And it's up to you. Now, I know
00:18:48.660 that sounds like I'm being pessimistic. And when I say no one, there are going to be people who care
00:18:54.760 about you. And there are going to be people who offer a hand. But what I'm trying to tell you is
00:18:59.140 that your problems are your responsibilities. I said earlier, make yourself capable in all ways.
00:19:08.100 Get out of debt. Learn how to make money. Stop eating like garbage so that you're not worried about
00:19:14.300 having unnecessary medical complications. Learn a new skill so that you can be more successful
00:19:21.420 and more productive and valuable at work. Get yourself fit. Grow that bank account. Develop and
00:19:29.560 build skills. This is what we would call a sovereign man. I wrote a book on sovereignty,
00:19:35.380 The Battle for the Hearts and Minds of Men. A sovereign man knows and he's not reliant on other
00:19:40.840 people. Will he accept a hand if it's given and he needs it? Yeah, sure. That's humility, right? We just
00:19:45.560 talked about that. But he doesn't need it. He doesn't always have to rely on other people to
00:19:51.800 solve his problems or rescue him from his own shortcomings. No one's going to save you. You
00:19:59.260 have to do it yourself. Number seven, engaging in meaningful discomfort is the only path to growth.
00:20:06.180 This, I hate this, but it's the reality. If you want to grow, it's only going to come when you're
00:20:13.080 engaged in meaningful suffering. And I say meaningful suffering or discomfort because it has to be
00:20:20.140 meaningful. If I go bang my head against the wall over there 10 times, we'd all agree that's going
00:20:26.160 to be uncomfortable and probably a little suffering involved. It's not meaningful. It doesn't lead me to
00:20:32.500 anything successful. So your suffering and discomfort has to be meaningful and significant in order for you
00:20:38.840 to grow and it's going to be painful and it's going to be uncomfortable and you're not going to like it
00:20:43.760 and you're going to resist it and you're probably going to throw a temper tantrum and you're going to
00:20:47.700 be upset. Good, as Jocko would say. All of those things mean you're on a path to doing something that
00:20:55.940 you've never done before. So if there's projects at work and somebody needs to do it and they're looking
00:21:03.000 for a volunteer, you're going to feel really uncomfortable about that, but you ought to do
00:21:07.100 that. It's going to push you outside of that comfort zone and it's going to make you better.
00:21:13.220 Years ago, I was in an organization called BNI, Business Network International. And every week we
00:21:20.340 would meet as business professionals and exchange referrals. Also every week there was one to two
00:21:26.620 presenters that would take anywhere from five to 10 minutes to present their business or what they
00:21:33.360 were looking for. And every week I went to the president of the chapter and I said, hey, if you
00:21:41.960 ever need somebody to present because somebody can't make it or they didn't show, I'm always on standby.
00:21:50.460 Now, some of the members got upset because I ended up presenting more often than other people.
00:21:55.000 But the reason I presented more often than other people is because I was willing to be
00:21:59.180 uncomfortable. And what I would tell the president is, I don't need any prep time. I'm always ready
00:22:05.140 to go. And the first couple of times I presented, it was awkward. It was uncomfortable. I wasn't
00:22:11.040 extremely prepared clearly for what I wanted to present, but I got better and I improved. And I ended up
00:22:19.180 being one of the top producers in Business Network International for our chapter. Of course, obviously,
00:22:25.000 because I became a better presenter through the reps that I was doing as my co-host Kip Sorensen would
00:22:32.540 say, it's reps. He would talk about it in the concept of jujitsu. Some of you guys will talk
00:22:39.040 about in the concept of lifting weights. Some of you will talk about in the concept of running a marathon
00:22:44.900 or doing something at work or public speaking, or maybe just sitting in silence and see how that
00:22:52.000 works for you. But if it's uncomfortable and it's meaningful, then you ought to embrace it and not
00:22:57.560 run away from it because you know you're going to grow when you do it. All right, let's go to
00:23:02.300 number eight, I believe. Yes, eight. 99% of what you experience in your life is beyond your control.
00:23:12.080 Now, that's a made-up number. But the point here is that the majority of things in your life
00:23:16.900 are completely outside of your control. And that might be frustrating for some of us who are control
00:23:23.100 freaks like myself. I want control over everything. I want all the variables controlled. And what I've
00:23:30.820 noticed is that I have a natural tendency of strong-arming and coercing and bullying even
00:23:38.400 and leaving a wake of collateral damage in my path because I want to control every aspect of
00:23:44.380 everything. And I'll tell you what, letting go of all of that has been liberating in my life.
00:23:52.560 I'm no longer concerned with the majority of things that I was concerned about. I'm much more pleasant to
00:23:58.340 be around than I was. I'm much happier personally. I'm more fulfilled. And the benefit is that I get to
00:24:06.560 hyper-focus. All that attention I was putting on things that were outside of my control, I can now
00:24:11.840 hyper-focus on the fewer things that are within my control. The technology that we use, the conversations
00:24:19.980 that I have here on the podcast and other places, my own skill set as a podcaster, as a conversationalist,
00:24:27.640 learning to be more marketable so I can make more money. I can't worry about what the stock market
00:24:33.200 does, but I can worry about how I can be more marketable. I can't worry so much about what my
00:24:38.840 girlfriend does, but I can make myself a more valuable component of our relationship so that
00:24:44.920 I'm adding value to the relationship. And the beautiful thing about this is that even though
00:24:49.620 you can't control the majority of these things, you can certainly influence a lot of those things.
00:24:56.120 And all of these concepts and truths I'm sharing with you, they're all interconnected.
00:25:01.180 So yes, you can influence things as a result of you working on yourself for yourself, which is a
00:25:08.860 point that I made earlier, maybe 0.4 or 5. Guys, learn to let go. That's not to say live a passive
00:25:16.540 life because that's the other extreme. One extreme is controlling everything, even the things you can't
00:25:22.460 control. And the other extreme is controlling nothing and just letting life happen to you because
00:25:27.240 you think goodwill or karma or God's divine blessings bestowed upon you. Neither are true.
00:25:35.160 You need to make things happen in life. But if you focus on the very few things that are within your
00:25:40.220 control, you're going to have more influence of other people. And you're going to start to notice
00:25:44.240 that the things outside of your control start to land more in your favor. And even when they don't land
00:25:50.100 in your favor, you're not crippled by it. It's not catastrophic, like maybe it once was. You can
00:25:57.420 adapt. You can adjust. You can pivot. You can go around. You can go through. You can go under. You can
00:26:03.100 go over. And you can completely eliminate or overcome the obstacles that will inevitably show up that are
00:26:12.680 beyond your control. So what I would suggest to you in this truth here is to make a list of all the
00:26:19.280 things that you think you have control over. Maybe that list is 10 or 50 or 100. Go ahead and make
00:26:24.180 that list. Get a journal out. And I would highly recommend that you do have a journal. But get that
00:26:28.540 journal out. Start documenting and writing all those things down. And then crossing it off if you
00:26:33.340 can't control it. Just cross it off. And then you're going to be left with 5, 10, 15% of the things
00:26:40.120 in your life that are within your control. Good. Those are the things you need to focus on.
00:26:45.080 All right. Let's go to number nine. You cannot save people who are not willing to participate
00:26:51.600 in the rescue. This one is a big one for a lot of guys. We, on our Ask Me Anythings, which
00:26:56.380 we do every Wednesday, a common question we get is, I have a friend who's going down a
00:27:01.920 bad path. He's an alcoholic or he's abusing drugs or he's stepping out on his wife or he's
00:27:06.460 making bad choices and he's kind of a bum and he's being lazy, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
00:27:10.200 How do I help him? What do I do? And the painful answer is that you might not be able to do anything.
00:27:21.560 That's not easy for, like I mentioned earlier, a control freak to deal with. And it's just not
00:27:27.780 easy for somebody who wants to be a loyal friend to deal with. As men, we're typically solution
00:27:33.560 oriented. So we think, oh, we can go in and we can rescue this person. Well, if that person's not
00:27:39.620 willing to rescue themselves, they're not willing to participate in the process of growth and
00:27:45.460 recovery, there's nothing you can say or do that will change that person. And over the past couple
00:27:51.680 of years, I've really made a heavy emphasis and focus of not really giving all of my answers to
00:27:58.080 unsolicited to people who don't ask for it, not trying to change people and who they are,
00:28:04.860 just letting them live their life. It's beyond my control. I can influence to a degree, but it's
00:28:10.900 beyond my control. They make their own choices. And so I will share what I need to share. I will give
00:28:18.300 my opinion if it's asked for. I will open up my arms and share and help readily if I can,
00:28:25.560 but I don't attach myself to the outcome, at least my identity to it. If I have a friend,
00:28:33.740 for example, who's going through a hard time because him and his wife are going through a
00:28:36.980 divorce, I'm going to call that person. I'm going to check in on that person. I'm going to offer
00:28:41.660 advice if they ask for it. I'm going to do everything I can, but their divorce, whether it
00:28:46.820 works or not, is not within my control. It's nothing I have control over. And so if that divorce happens,
00:28:52.860 that's not my fault or my problem. If a friend, and this one might be even controversial,
00:29:00.480 if a friend, heaven forbid, is going through bouts of chronic depression and anxiety and suicidal
00:29:07.360 ideation, I'm going to help that person. I'm going to talk to that person. I'm going to reach out. I'm
00:29:14.380 going to invite them into my circle. But if ultimately that person decides to end their life,
00:29:18.760 I don't attach myself to that result. That isn't, that wasn't my responsibility. It's,
00:29:24.520 it's horrific. It's tragic. It's unfortunate. I hate it. And I've had people in my life who have
00:29:30.000 taken their lives, but my identity is not tied to what other people do. My identity is tied up in what
00:29:37.460 I do, but I can't manipulate people like I have in the past or strong arm or coerce them to do
00:29:46.220 what they don't want to do. So I help and I share and I give access to my resources abundantly.
00:29:54.500 And then I let the chips fall where they may. If somebody falls off a boat and they're in the
00:30:03.240 ice cold, you know, ocean, and I throw the life preserver out to them, they still have to grab it.
00:30:10.820 If I throw it out and they don't grab it, like, what am I supposed to do?
00:30:17.360 So I throw the life vest out, they grab it, and then I pull it in and I rescue that person
00:30:22.960 with their help. They have to participate in it. All right, let's go to number 10. This is the last
00:30:29.380 one. Again, some of these are going to be very controversial. So I'd love to hear what you guys
00:30:32.640 have to say. Depression, so here's number 10, depression and other emotions are part of life
00:30:38.980 and there might not be anything wrong with you. So you hear that and say, that's not harsh. There's
00:30:47.580 nothing wrong with me. Often there isn't. Guys, we're going to go through bouts of depression.
00:30:53.780 We're going to feel down. We're going to feel sad. We're going to have anger. We're going to be
00:30:59.160 frustrated. We're going to have guilt and shame and all of these things. And none of those things
00:31:05.560 mean that there's anything wrong with you necessarily. Now, if you're dealing with chronic
00:31:10.140 depression, that is a problem that needs to be addressed through your medical professionals.
00:31:17.320 But if you're feeling down, please don't think there's anything wrong with you or that you're
00:31:22.260 broken or that you even need fixing. Maybe you just need to experience being down because
00:31:29.140 something happened. Your girlfriend broke up with you. Your wife divorced you. You're going
00:31:33.960 through a bankruptcy. You got in a car wreck. You are dealing with a medical condition. And I'm not
00:31:37.940 trying to dismiss any of the struggle that comes with any of those scenarios. I'm just saying that if
00:31:44.020 something like that happens, it would be weird if you weren't depressed. I'd wonder if you were a
00:31:49.580 psychopath or hiding. It'd be weird if you weren't mad or sad or had guilt or sorrow or shame or grief.
00:31:57.540 Of course, you're going to have those things.
00:32:02.200 So what can you do about it? Again, you're not broken. But what I would suggest is that you build
00:32:07.920 up a good solid band of brothers, good men in your corner who can work you through through things.
00:32:13.480 I had something I needed to bring up to a friend and I called Kip Sorensen. Again, I mentioned him
00:32:18.080 earlier. He's the co-host of our Ask Me Anything podcast. I called him up about a month or two ago.
00:32:23.160 I was having a personal problem and I said, hey man, here's what I'm dealing with.
00:32:27.100 And I would just like some of your insight because he'd been through some similar things and
00:32:30.820 he shared some insight with me and it was invaluable. I couldn't have done that if he
00:32:38.480 wasn't there in my corner, if we hadn't nurtured and developed and built that relationship over the
00:32:42.300 past eight years now. Who can you call? What men are in your corner? What friends do you have who you
00:32:49.660 could call on a moment's notice and say, man, I'm struggling with this. What do you got for me?
00:32:54.440 If you don't have that person, you really need to work on developing that band of brothers.
00:32:59.240 I would also suggest that journaling, writing your thoughts, documenting how you feel. Sometimes
00:33:05.600 that's enough for me. I've got my journal over there on my nightstand. And so if I'm feeling down
00:33:11.140 or depressed or anxious or guilty or sorrowful, I'll pop that journal out and just write down what I'm
00:33:16.880 feeling. Hey, I'm angry because of this situation or I'm feeling down today or a lot of anxiety today
00:33:23.100 because of how work's going or whatever the issue might be. And just writing it down and getting it
00:33:27.980 out of my mind is helpful. But I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I don't think
00:33:31.720 there's anything to fix. This is part of the human condition. So we need to address it. But again,
00:33:37.440 there's nothing wrong with me. And then the other component I would share with this, and this one,
00:33:42.140 a lot of guys don't agree with, and I probably would have been in that camp several years ago too,
00:33:47.200 is therapy. For me, therapy has been really valuable. Now I was going through the motions.
00:33:53.600 I've been doing therapy for quite a while now, but I was going through the motions up until about two
00:33:59.960 or three months ago, and I decided to get serious about it. And so I've got a friend, I wouldn't say
00:34:07.340 a close friend, but a friend and an acquaintance who has a therapy practice here in town. And I reached
00:34:13.080 out to him. And I said, hey, man, I'm thinking about sitting down and talking with you about some
00:34:17.200 issues I have and some struggles and some challenges that I'm trying to overcome. And it's been great.
00:34:23.300 It took me time to find the right guy, the right person, but it's been great because it's not me just
00:34:29.020 yapping about my thoughts. It's very action-oriented. He gets me to see things in ways that I haven't
00:34:34.740 seen them before, a new perspective, new insights, and then he moves me towards taking action that
00:34:40.300 will inevitably make me feel better about the path I'm on. So between finding a good band of
00:34:46.800 brothers, journaling, and therapy with the right person, it has to be the right person, and you
00:34:51.860 have to experiment with that, that has all proven to be invaluable when it comes to the depression,
00:34:57.680 anxiety, frustrations, anger, sorrow, guilt, et cetera, that I personally deal with. And I would
00:35:03.060 highly recommend that for you as well. So man, those are my 10 truths. There's probably a lot
00:35:07.720 more. There is a lot more, but these are 10 that I picked out, hand-selected, that I thought would
00:35:11.820 be valuable to you. Again, this episode wasn't to be pessimistic about everything. It's to give you
00:35:17.480 hope and optimism that if you focus on these things, you can actually take control of your life
00:35:22.260 and you can produce the results that you desire. So let's go through each one of these again,
00:35:27.180 and we'll wrap things up. Number one, you don't deserve anything. Number two, your worth to others,
00:35:33.060 will be measured in your performance. Number three, the more you improve for someone else,
00:35:37.280 the less meaningful it will be. I think that was number three, actually. Number four,
00:35:42.900 every problem you have is your responsibility. Number five, no one wants to be around a vulnerable
00:35:48.740 man. Number six, no one is going to rescue you. Number seven, engaging in meaningful discomfort is
00:35:54.760 the only path to growth. Eight, 99%. Of course, I'm making that number up, but a large percentage of
00:35:59.920 what you experience in life is beyond your control. Number nine, you can't save people who aren't
00:36:06.760 willing to participate in the rescue. And number 10, depression and your other emotions are part of
00:36:11.960 life and there might not actually be anything wrong with you. So if you have other ideas or if you don't
00:36:18.460 entirely agree with the things that I've shared here, I'm sure I'm going to hear a lot about
00:36:23.300 vulnerability. I'm sure I'm going to hear about depression. There's going to be some things I'm going
00:36:28.020 to hear about. And I'm open to that. I want to hear those things. That is the point of what we do
00:36:31.960 here. Discussion, meaningful, civil discourse so that we can begin to work through our problems.
00:36:39.560 All right, guys, I hope that helps. On a parting note, I did mention in number 10 that building your
00:36:44.040 band of brothers is something that every man needs to do. If you're having a hard time doing that in
00:36:48.740 your area, and even if you're not, but you want some different input, our brotherhood,
00:36:52.860 the Iron Council is open right now. We are talking about these issues. We are confronting
00:36:58.480 everything that we talked about here and more. We are helping each other drive each other into
00:37:05.260 taking action, meaningful action that will actually move the needle. We're helping men identify what
00:37:11.160 their weaknesses are, what their vulnerabilities are, where they need to work, how they need to improve
00:37:16.100 in their relationships, both personally and professionally. We meet every single week.
00:37:20.660 We bring guest experts in. You work with a team of 10 to 15 guys very closely, and you can meet with
00:37:27.160 them. Meetups happening all throughout the country and across the globe. It's a very powerful
00:37:32.260 brotherhood, and we're only open until the end of this month, June. So if you want to enroll and check
00:37:37.520 it out, go to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. Again, orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. Check it out.
00:37:44.640 Watch a quick video. See what we're all about. Join us, even if you just want to test it out and see what
00:37:49.660 it's all about. And I think it'll help. We wouldn't have built it to where it is over nine years to
00:37:55.100 where it is right now with over a thousand members if it didn't help these guys. So check it out.
00:37:59.160 Again, orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. All right, guys, that's my conversation for you today. I've got
00:38:03.960 a very good one lined up for you next week on sexual improvement and development and how you can be
00:38:12.360 more intimate with your significant other. Make sure you check that one out. All right, guys,
00:38:17.400 we'll be back next week. Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:38:25.400 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:38:30.000 and be more of the man you were meant to be? We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.
00:38:35.560 you be more than just the order of the feminine you are surprised to have a beautiful morning.
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