Order of Man - 118： Connecting With Your Kids ｜ Jim Sheils

00:00:00.000 If you are anything like me, connecting with your kids can be a real challenge. You know,

00:00:04.660 it's important. You want to connect with them, but the grind of everyday life and providing for

00:00:09.700 your family and wearing all the quote unquote hats that we as men are required to wear can

00:00:15.240 come at a cost. Today, my guest, Jim Shields joins us to talk about why we succeed in business,

00:00:20.380 but fail in the family, the entrepreneurial lie, how to create moments with your children,

00:00:26.020 implementing what he calls rhythms into your life and how to finally connect with your kids.

00:00:31.600 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly charge

00:00:36.520 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time you are not

00:00:42.380 easily deterred, defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who you are.

00:00:49.560 This is who you will become at the end of the day. And after all is said and done,

00:00:53.900 you can call yourself a man. Guys, what is going on today? My name is Ryan

00:00:59.340 Mickler and I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast. Glad you are back with us

00:01:04.400 again today or for the first time you're here today. You're listening to some of the best

00:01:09.460 conversations the world of podcasting has to offer. My job is to ask successful men really good

00:01:15.080 questions and get you the answers to those questions so you can improve on multiple fronts

00:01:19.820 in your life. We've talked with guys like Jocko Willink, Lewis Howes, Tim Kennedy, Grant Cardone,

00:01:26.440 Andy Frisella, so many more other powerful men, all of them with a message to share, which will help

00:01:32.280 you become a better man. A couple of quick resources to know about as we get started today,

00:01:37.700 as much as I like sharing with you digitally, there is nothing that I found that can replace

00:01:42.600 face-to-face meetings, which is why we are hosting our very first regional Order of Man

00:01:48.180 Meetup in Kansas City, which is going to be held on August 12th, 2017. I'm going to be there.

00:01:53.860 Steven Mansfield, the author of Mansfield's book of Manly Men is going to be there.

00:01:58.160 And we also have a copy of his book, Building Your Band of Brothers, available for the first 50 men

00:02:03.680 to register for the event. So do that quickly and you can do that at orderofman.com slash event.

00:02:09.780 Now, the other resource that I wanted to share with you is our exclusive brotherhood,

00:02:14.360 The Iron Council. And speaking about building your band of brothers, this is a digital band

00:02:20.040 of brothers, but it goes so much deeper than that. It goes so much further than that. I am seeing

00:02:24.000 these guys forge some real bonds here. They're really holding each other accountable. They're

00:02:28.060 doing big things in their lives. So if you want to learn more about what we're doing, you can do so

00:02:32.600 at orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Man, I am so excited to share my conversation with my guest and

00:02:39.620 friend, Mr. Jim Shields. I met Jim several months ago at a dad's retreat in Austin. I immediately

00:02:46.380 resonated with his message about being a success on the business front. Yes, but failing behind or

00:02:52.320 falling behind on the family front. This is something that I have done personally in the

00:02:56.620 past. And I've worked really, really hard at avoiding the same pitfalls that I used to fall

00:03:01.040 into of neglecting my kids and my wife. He wrote a book called The Family Board Meeting. And after the

00:03:07.120 event, I immediately started to implement some of the strategies that he shared with my three

00:03:13.640 oldest children. And I can tell you from experience that this man knows what he's talking about and

00:03:18.460 he's going to help you get closer to your children, probably more so than you ever have. So enjoy this

00:03:23.260 one, fellas. Take notes, execute on this stuff. It will change your relationship. Jim, how you doing?

00:03:30.540 Thanks for joining me on the show. Hey Ryan, how's it going? Good to be here. Yeah, it's good. It's been

00:03:34.580 what, a couple of months since we were able to connect in Austin. And man, I was so blown away

00:03:38.240 with the message and everything that you're doing. I'm excited to have this conversation today.

00:03:42.220 Yeah, me too. Ditto, ditto. It was good to kind of one-two punch you and I speaking together. I

00:03:46.220 really enjoyed that. That's right. Yeah. Well, I want to talk with you about really connecting with

00:03:50.560 family because I think it's easy for a lot of guys to really quantify the success that they're having

00:03:56.460 within their business. But then when it comes to family, it seems to be a pretty difficult thing

00:04:00.360 to do for a lot of guys. Can you explain maybe briefly why that is? Why do we have such a

00:04:05.200 difficult time connecting at home versus in the office? Sure. I think that one of the biggest

00:04:09.880 mistakes people make is certain principles we use in the office, either as an executive or a business

00:04:17.640 owner, can actually translate at home if we apply them correctly and help our home life. But other

00:04:23.800 things that we do at work and try to translate into home will actually sabotage our home life. And

00:04:29.480 that's pretty much how family board meetings was created because we saw a lot of people that were

00:04:32.560 successful in their business and not successful at home. And it doesn't have to be that way. So

00:04:38.980 I think that they have to get clarity on certain principles that we follow at work can absolutely

00:04:44.220 work at home. Other ones cannot. And I can give examples if that helps.

00:04:48.320 Let's talk about the sabotage one first because I think sometimes it's best to illustrate what

00:04:52.780 pitfalls to avoid. So what types of characteristics or skills, the things that you're talking about that

00:04:58.540 apply to work that don't necessarily translate over to the family side of things?

00:05:02.300 Absolutely. Ryan, the biggest killer, the biggest killer I've seen working with different families

00:05:07.140 and spending time in the retreats and really digging deep to see why is there disconnection?

00:05:12.220 The biggest one I've seen is the abuse of delegation. So let me explain that. Now, when you and I

00:05:19.560 go to a top-notch entrepreneur event, and we want to learn the tactics and the skills of how to

00:05:27.000 increase our business, how to better our business, one of the biggest things we're taught, correct me

00:05:31.820 if I'm wrong, is delegation. You have to be able to delegate certain things because if you hold

00:05:36.220 everything, you can't expand. You can't grow. What I found is a lot of very successful people

00:05:41.280 that have gotten so good at the art of delegation at work, they've taken that same approach and

00:05:49.540 principle at home. And that can be an absolute huge mistake because you cannot, you cannot, if you

00:05:58.580 want to have a deep, meaningful relationship with your children, you cannot delegate quality time.

00:06:03.600 It just doesn't work. But what people do is they feel, okay, delegate at work. It's, you know,

00:06:08.540 almost like the bowling pins are being thrown at you and you just throw them back out, throw them back

00:06:12.380 out. But at home, I've seen guys delegate themselves so far out of the family life that they're almost

00:06:18.840 non-existent there. So there has to be a balance, a kind of a gut check of what are you actually

00:06:24.360 delegating at home? Certain things you want to be involved in. And I've actually sat with people

00:06:29.040 and said, well, hold on, let's do a delegation list. What have you delegated? And we'll pick two

00:06:32.440 or three things off. I'm saying, why are you delegating that to their grandfather? Why are you

00:06:36.800 delegating that to their babysitter? Don't you want to be a part of that? Don't you want to see that?

00:06:41.500 And it's like this aha, like, man, what happened? And it's never really ill intention or ill will

00:06:47.580 that's been, we've just taken this skill at the office and brought it home, but we've abused it

00:06:53.000 where it actually causes disconnection. So the art of delegation at work can be an absolute charm.

00:06:58.800 The art of delegation at home can be an absolute sin. I've watched it to the point where it's,

00:07:04.340 it's dangerous. It really is. If I understand correctly, maybe just to reframe this, I think

00:07:09.120 what I'm hearing anyways, is that men who are successful in business tend to understand how to

00:07:15.120 leverage themselves very well to multiply their efforts. Except for at home, your wife and your

00:07:19.760 children just aren't going to resonate with you trying to multiply or leverage your, your abilities

00:07:23.660 or your presence, right? Exactly. I mean, I'm not saying you can't have certain help with, you know,

00:07:28.800 I do date night every Tuesday night, Ryan, with, with my wife and we have a babysitter. That's great

00:07:34.040 leverage. But what I've seen is people get so busy at work. Okay. To, to keep doing, to grow the

00:07:41.100 business bigger and better. They delegate everything at home. Okay. They're taking care

00:07:44.900 of. We have a babysitter. We have a nanny. We have grandparents. We have, and I can't make it to the

00:07:49.660 soccer game, but my wife will be there. It's an abuse of the principal. And what happens is all of a

00:07:54.980 sudden they feel disconnected. They feel like their kids are strangers, especially when the teen years

00:07:58.700 come and they're going, why? I, you know, I kept things in order. I did such a good thing, but

00:08:03.680 their presence was not there. And what I've learned is kids don't understand that you want to build a

00:08:09.420 big business. That's not what they're asking for. They're asking for you. So you want to be able to

00:08:14.480 delegate certain things at home and at the office to spend quality time with your wife and kids. At

00:08:20.620 least that's what I've seen. And sometimes we just don't even realize that we delegated ourselves out

00:08:25.340 of the relationships. It's crazy when you really think about it. It sounds like, and you talk about

00:08:30.520 this in the book, but it sounds like that entrepreneurial lie that you mentioned in the book. Would you mind

00:08:35.260 covering the entrepreneurial lies so people can really understand or wrap their heads around what

00:08:39.300 that even is? Sure. Yeah. The entrepreneurial lie, which it's happened to so many people, including

00:08:44.980 myself, is that you're building this business for your family and you're going to be absent for the

00:08:50.880 next months, years, whatever, and they will understand and it'll, you'll be able to gain them

00:08:56.460 back. That's a lie. That is a myth. That is sacred ground that you can't get back. And there has to be

00:09:03.040 some grounding in that pursuit of growth, in that pursuit of ambition. Because if you don't,

00:09:09.220 you're going to keep telling yourself that lie. Let me give you a real straight example. Teenagers

00:09:15.960 get hooked on drugs and alcohol. They go to the best clinic in the country. It costs 80 grand to go to.

00:09:23.400 Parents have to show up for one day. They're sitting in that room and it gets down to what's been

00:09:28.820 missing. Why did they turn this? And usually it's lack of connection at home. That's been,

00:09:34.600 it's so many times. And what the busy entrepreneur who's making a lot of money will say, well,

00:09:38.800 I have to keep working this much because I was able to, how else would we be able to afford this

00:09:43.480 rehab? So it goes back to the chicken or the egg. And when you really step back, you go, holy shit.

00:09:49.040 I mean, I got to really look at this. So the entrepreneurial lie says they will understand 0.99

00:09:53.020 someday. And from what I've seen, they usually will not both kids and your spouse.

00:09:58.900 How do you reconcile this? Because here, here to play devil's advocate a little bit,

00:10:02.360 there is an importance obviously on men bringing home income, right? Providing for the family 0.62

00:10:08.380 financially. And so to be able to reconcile me having to go provide financially versus me being

00:10:14.860 present and providing emotional and mental and love and all the guidance and support that we need to do

00:10:19.940 on that end. How do we strike this balance? If there is even a balance, balance is a very tricky

00:10:24.480 word because look, you and I have both started businesses, Ryan. It is hard work. It is not

00:10:31.160 the glorified things that are usually in certain testimonials out there. It's a lot of hard work.

00:10:36.400 It's a lot of setbacks, a lot of unknowns. So that's going to take some dedication. I mean,

00:10:41.420 you are in the trenches. You're absolutely in the trenches. And that does require, you know,

00:10:46.800 the old saying, a rocket uses 80% of its power in liftoff. First few minutes of liftoff to get it

00:10:52.620 off the ground. That's kind of like starting a business. So I understand. I've been there with

00:10:55.380 a few different businesses. But what I've found, which I wish I knew 17 years ago when I started

00:10:59.900 my first one, what can help save us from losing what's most important to us is rhythms. And you

00:11:06.780 and I talked about that a lot in Austin. We did. What I found is the power of rhythms,

00:11:10.980 which I will explain can be like sanity pillars for you. They can, they can be an absolute grounding

00:11:17.340 mechanism in those most important relationships. And once you identify them, they're not that hard

00:11:23.860 to keep up with. And they can, there are 10 times, a hundred times multiplier for, for strengthening

00:11:30.060 relationships while you're doing that crazy stuff at the office. So you're talking about being more

00:11:34.740 efficient with less time. I know that's a really cold way of explaining it, but I am. Am I

00:11:39.380 understanding that correctly? Yeah. Well, let me explain what rhythms are. So a mentor of mine

00:11:43.500 who actually uses the family board meeting strategy, that's how we actually got to meet.

00:11:48.440 We did some real estate deals together. And what I liked about him, Ryan, he's, he's extremely wealthy,

00:11:52.640 which honestly doesn't impress me that much anymore because extreme wealth I've seen and I've seen

00:11:57.180 misery right around it. But what I liked is he is extremely wealthy, runs five publicly traded

00:12:02.240 companies. He has five children and he's home for dinner six nights a week. Wow. And he said,

00:12:08.060 thank you for the board meeting strategy because now I understand the importance of one-on-one

00:12:12.180 time. Let me talk to you about the power of rhythms. And I had said to him, Rick, how do you,

00:12:17.720 how do you do this? How are you keeping this up? I'm not handling anywhere close to what you're

00:12:21.380 handling. He said, you have to rhythmize your life around your core values. So let me give you an

00:12:27.000 example, Ryan. You and I, I know from our, we both love our wives dearly, dearly. They're very

00:12:33.500 important to us. So that is a core value for me, my loving marriage. What I've said as a rhythm,

00:12:39.460 like I mentioned before, every Tuesday night is date night. That is date night. We are, our babysitter

00:12:46.420 is here. We have date night. The phone is off for a few hours. We planned something fun. Last night,

00:12:51.980 we walked the streets of St. Augustine, went to one of our favorite restaurants. We had a great time.

00:12:57.880 And that is every week. I don't even have to think about it because I am a, what Colby scores would

00:13:03.640 say, a quick start or, or very fire red. My organization skills aren't the best. And most

00:13:09.440 entrepreneurs are like that. They're very creative, very driven. When, when you have rhythms so set

00:13:14.900 like that, where I have date night, Tuesday night, Friday night, I have pizza Friday and game night

00:13:21.860 with my boys. Sundays, we have family meeting quarterly. I have a family board meeting with each of my

00:13:27.500 children. There's certain rhythms I've set in my life. And I like the word rhythm. Like I told you,

00:13:32.040 like a habit habits. I mean, you and I can have a bad habit of yelling public, a bad habit of picking

00:13:37.560 our nose, a bad habit, a bad drinking habit, whatever. Habit. I don't, it is kind of a forced

00:13:42.680 word rhythm. I'm a music guy has a musical element. It's got some, some soul, some harmony. And when you

00:13:49.320 set these rhythms around what matters most to you, what's most important to you, your core values,

00:13:54.300 and you don't have to think about it. It's like, Oh, Tuesday night, date night, Friday night,

00:13:58.120 pizza night, game night, Sunday, it becomes so ingrained and you don't miss. It doesn't all of a

00:14:04.720 sudden that six weeks have gone by and been going, Holy shit. I haven't gone out. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't 0.99

00:14:09.720 gone out my, with my wife in six weeks. So anyway, that's the power of rhythms. If you set them very

00:14:15.100 clearly and you don't have to think about them and it's just almost automatic in your schedule. And,

00:14:19.920 you know, usually there's daily ones, weekly ones, monthly ones, quarterly ones. Again,

00:14:26.140 it sounds, Oh, that sounds like a lot. It's really not. And what I said to Rick was, okay,

00:14:30.600 Rick, that's going to take away freedom. I like freedom. I like creativity. It's like

00:14:34.020 this will not take away freedom. It will expand it. It'll give you more because it's around your

00:14:39.600 deepest core values. And these things will continue to deepen you and strengthen you and bring more

00:14:45.460 enjoyment and consistency, which is a really hard one for certain entrepreneurs like myself.

00:14:50.720 I don't know if you follow Jocko Willink at all, but his phrase is discipline equals freedom. And I

00:14:55.640 think this is exactly what you're talking about right here, creating these rhythms, which is the

00:14:59.300 discipline of accomplishing the things that you've identified as being important so that you can free

00:15:03.900 up your time and have the freedom to do other things that are meaningful to you as well.

00:15:08.180 Exactly. Exactly. I agree. And I'm, I'm a big fan of Jocko. And the one I actually had on my

00:15:13.160 bulletin board forever was if you want to be tougher, be tougher. It was such a straight one.

00:15:18.100 And the same thing with the discipline one. Yeah. You just, what you have to do is just

00:15:21.980 set your line, draw that line in the sand and say, I don't care if things are hectic at the office

00:15:27.600 on Tuesday night, Thursday night, whatever it is that this is a non-negotiable meeting with my wife.

00:15:34.000 Because when communication and connection stops and consistency, all sorts of problems can start to

00:15:39.940 arise. And we don't want that. So you just pick your line and stay with it. And it feels so good,

00:15:46.000 Ryan, after a few weeks, after a few months. And when you look back and when I feel most out of

00:15:51.380 control, when the rhythms start to fade, Oh yeah, well we won't do game night tonight. Let's not have

00:15:56.800 family meet. You feel out of control. You feel ungrounded so that once you've done them and then

00:16:03.280 stop a little bit, you'll want to go back to them that I can promise you.

00:16:07.280 I bet. Yeah. I bet you can feel that. It sounds like, and correct me if I'm wrong, that this

00:16:11.720 finding these rhythms is really just a process of experimentation because I hear a lot of guys will

00:16:16.860 say, Ryan, what's your, what's your perfect morning routine? Or what's the conversation you

00:16:20.980 have with your wife on Monday night? Cause these are some of the rhythms that, that I implement in

00:16:24.740 my life and the reality. And from my perspective, it's like, here, I can give you an example of what

00:16:28.600 I use, but you have to find what works for you. Absolutely. 1000% Ryan. Ryan is Ryan. Jim is Jim.

00:16:35.620 Whoever's listening is whoever is listening. It has to suit you. You don't have to do the exact

00:16:41.580 thing, especially your morning routine might really irritate me and vice versa, you know,

00:16:46.220 but, but what we're talking about is the outline of a morning routine. Let it suit you. I've started

00:16:52.520 to actually go to the gym very first thing in the morning before I meditate. Uh, because I think I'm,

00:16:57.640 I can become such a, a fast minded person and people would say, Oh, well that's not what you're

00:17:03.100 supposed to do in this book or that book. I don't give a shit. That's, what's making me feel the 0.99

00:17:06.980 best. So I, I think that's a very powerful point, Ryan. They have to scope it to themselves. And yeah,

00:17:12.380 you might say, I tried that, that rhythm. It didn't really suit me, but this one did.

00:17:17.580 And once they pick it and are true to themselves on it, I think they're going to see a lot of results

00:17:22.620 and you don't have to set, Oh man, I got to set 15 rhythms into my life. Set one or two and see the

00:17:29.760 results in a few weeks. See if your wife is talking to you a little more kindly feel if she 0.70

00:17:34.520 feels like you're more available. See if your kids are, are bringing up stuff to you that they

00:17:40.000 usually wouldn't have by spending some quality one-on-one time, which we can talk about for

00:17:43.760 the board meeting strategy, but just like you said, experiment. And I think usually the results

00:17:48.300 are really good. Why do we stop doing these things? Because I noticed even in my business,

00:17:52.020 I'll pick a strategy or a rhythm or whatever it may be. I'll start implementing it. I'll see some

00:17:56.900 immediate results. Maybe my, my kids connect with me a little bit better. Maybe we have some of those

00:18:00.520 conversations that we've never had in the past. And then all of a sudden I look back and I'm like,

00:18:05.500 Oh yeah, we haven't done that for six months or for a year. And that was actually working. And yet

00:18:10.660 here I am stopping the very actions and the things that are helping me improve. You know, I think it

00:18:15.220 goes back to what you said with Jocko. We try to outsmart discipline. We, we, we really do. We try to

00:18:20.280 outsmart discipline and feel, Oh yeah, we don't need to do that anymore. Or this is working,

00:18:25.520 but, but let me figure something out. And then when it's gone, we feel like a pillar has been

00:18:29.840 pulled out of our life. So it really is. Again, most of us for the entrepreneurs out there,

00:18:35.820 if you look at, again, I'm a big fan of Colby. I've done it with all of the people in my life,

00:18:40.500 my family, I am quick start. So I'm naturally inclined to quick start different things. And

00:18:46.640 especially in business, you can, something could be going really well, really well, just cranking out,

00:18:51.940 cranking out. You're enjoying it. It's, it's getting great group turns, doing good results

00:18:55.420 for lots of people. And you can say, no, let's change. And that's probably the worst thing you

00:18:59.260 can do. Right. But we, we, a mentor of mine, Ryan used to say, look, certain things when it comes to

00:19:04.440 business and your personal life should almost be, be boring with the scheduling of it. You know,

00:19:10.980 if you want excitement, go jump out of an airplane. And it's not meaning that the, the rhythms at home

00:19:15.560 are boring at work are, but if, if you start to just complicate things to complicate things or don't

00:19:20.660 have the consistency, all those things that you were working for, the results you wanted by setting

00:19:25.980 rhythms go away. You want a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your family, period. End of

00:19:30.140 story. That's what almost every person I interview says in those words, you got to keep rhythms and

00:19:34.860 you have to fight that urge to say, it's almost like an alcoholic who says, well, why did I quit

00:19:40.940 drinking? You know, I shouldn't have quit drinking. I'm not, you know, let me, I can have a few beers and

00:19:45.080 we know where that goes. Uh, it's, I think it's the same thing with rhythms that really suit us,

00:19:49.440 really develop our relationship. We try to outsmart discipline. We try to outsmart results

00:19:53.800 and push too hard, too big, too fast and say, oh, we don't need any more. We're good.

00:19:57.620 And it's just a natural reaction. Yeah. This almost reminds me of Top Gun. Of course,

00:20:01.720 most of the guys, every guy that's, that's listening to this podcast should know that movie,

00:20:05.220 but it's like an ice man where he's just like so disciplined and so committed to it that you get

00:20:11.700 bored and you make a mistake and that's where he capitalizes. And this is the level of

00:20:14.980 discipline. I think you're talking about here to some degree, maybe, but let me ask you about

00:20:18.920 time because I think based on what you're talking about, and let's just assume that a guy is listening

00:20:23.880 to this and he says, okay, I understand that I need to implement some of these rhythms, not only my

00:20:28.180 business, but my family particularly. And I think a lot of guys will look at it and say to themselves

00:20:33.380 something along the lines of, you know, I've just got to put my, my time in, right? I've got to,

00:20:36.880 I've got to put in the dues or whatever it may be. And we look at this as just time versus

00:20:40.640 quality time. Can you make that distinction for me? Because this is something you talk about at

00:20:44.840 length. Yeah. So there is a huge difference between time and quality time, huge. I mean,

00:20:51.600 exponential. And what I've seen is there's a lot of people that spend passing time with their

00:20:57.460 families, but not actual quality time. Quality time takes a certain amount of depth, a certain

00:21:02.440 amount of preparation, a certain type of environment. And a lot of people will skip over that. And what I've,

00:21:10.220 what I found, Ryan, from sitting with, with different groups of families, sitting in support

00:21:14.860 groups of young kids who were, you know, heavy narcotics or alcohol, there is no substitute for

00:21:20.540 quality time. None, not money, not fancy private schools, no app, there's no substitute. So you have

00:21:27.840 to set the stage for connection and quality time does that. And it does not occur. True quality time

00:21:33.280 does not happen at the breakfast table. When everyone's running in six different directions,

00:21:38.520 someone's trying to text someone on this and no one's listening that, and you're running three

00:21:43.660 different ways out the door. That's not how it works. So I got really clear for my own family is we have

00:21:50.880 to spend time together and it has to be under certain environments and terms. And we have to spend one

00:21:56.980 on one time because if you separate the parts, you can strengthen the whole. That's super important

00:22:01.660 for any family to, to have, especially you as the man, you as the father, you should spend one-on-one

00:22:09.520 time with each member of your family. It is an absolute game changer for strengthening the unit as a

00:22:15.080 whole. So that now you're getting into the actual strategy component of the family board meeting. Why

00:22:21.380 don't, as we go down this, this whole, why don't we talk a little bit about what the board meeting even

00:22:26.840 is and the premise behind creating something like this for your family?

00:22:31.220 Sure. Now, did I give you a good enough difference between time and quality time though,

00:22:34.700 Ryan? I want to make sure I answered your question. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think as we continue

00:22:38.180 to talk about these parts, these three parts that you've identified, I think it's going to explain

00:22:42.500 it even further. Awesome. So the family board meeting strategy was born about seven years ago.

00:22:48.060 As you know, Ryan, but probably not all your crew knows. I fell in love with my wife instantly, 29th

00:22:55.280 birthday chance meeting. We were like peas and carrots right away. And when I fell in love with

00:23:01.060 her, I also had the chance to fall in love with two beautiful little boys. She was divorced with full 0.61

00:23:06.800 custody of both these little boys and we hit it off famously right away. And I've gone on since to

00:23:13.180 adopt them at their, at their request. Now we had, we had some trust issues though, in the beginning

00:23:18.860 and I wanted to get to know them. I was running big real estate business. We had come out of the

00:23:23.580 meltdown at this time and we're doing pretty well, but still had some stitches on the arms and I wanted

00:23:29.080 to make sure I connected with them. So with some advice of some of my mentors and that, I just,

00:23:33.680 I came up with this strategy that I thought, wait a minute, why can't I apply some of the principles

00:23:38.340 that work to home? Why can't I treat these boys with the same attention and respect that I do my

00:23:44.200 biggest clients, key team members and investors? So what I started to do and set up with them was

00:23:49.340 saying, look, I remember it was our first Christmas together. That was one of the presents. I said,

00:23:53.500 we're going to start having a board meeting every 90 days. And the board meeting strategy looks like

00:23:57.720 this, Ryan. I know that you know it and practice it now. Every 90 days, I will have a quote unquote

00:24:02.100 board meeting with each one of my kids. And it's a minimum of four hours uninterrupted. And there's

00:24:08.220 only three principles, three principles, one-on-one without electronics and a fun activity of their

00:24:15.240 choice with time for focus reflection at the end, which is just communication. And those three

00:24:21.360 principles together, just to give you how important this strategy is to me, my oldest son had trust

00:24:29.540 issues in the beginning and it was things that happened before I was around. When I came into his life,

00:24:35.580 he was close to failing the third grade and doing terrible in school. He had just been put on the

00:24:41.680 spectrum. I don't like that word, but for autism. And, and then he suffered every night from night

00:24:48.320 terrors. And if you don't know what those are, you're very lucky because it's when your child wakes

00:24:52.540 up in a half conscious state and it can take hours to get them back to sleep. Now, these are pretty

00:24:57.720 serious things. I knew that these could be changed. I knew the power of quality time as the fun uncle.

00:25:04.240 I was already teaching other entrepreneur families about this. And now it's my turn as a dad.

00:25:08.600 And the breakthroughs we had on each one of these board meetings every 90 days, Ryan, within one

00:25:13.800 year, he went from failing to getting the most improved student in the third grade at the end

00:25:19.320 of the year. And he was absolutely beaming when he got his award. He was taken off the spectrum

00:25:24.760 for autism. They admitted it was a mistake. I knew it wasn't autism. It was stress of things that

00:25:30.280 happened. Stress can do crazy things. They took him off the spectrum. And then third,

00:25:36.340 his night terrors were gone completely. Now I used to talk about that story for the first few years

00:25:41.480 on stage, Ryan, I cried like a baby in front of a thousand people because it meant so much to me.

00:25:46.380 And it shows the power of quality time. We did these results without therapy and without medication.

00:25:51.920 That's not what he needed. What he needed was true quality time that built trust and a deeper

00:25:56.620 relationship and an understanding. And that's exactly what happened. And they were fun. We were

00:26:02.160 speaking the language of kids. They were picking the fun activity of their choice. And each of the

00:26:06.320 each of those three principles builds off the other. And we had some people a lot smarter than me help

00:26:11.520 perfect this. And that's what it came down to was those three principles. And they build off each

00:26:16.640 other. If you want me to go into each one a little bit, I can, because they really are. Gosh,

00:26:21.180 the three of them together is just such a game changer for the relationship you have with your kids.

00:26:25.340 Yeah. I do want to break these down further. I want to start with one-on-one time. And the reason

00:26:29.180 I want to start with this one is because I know the guys listening are probably already seeing a

00:26:33.560 challenge with this. I have four kids. One-on-one is, is even more difficult just because we have so

00:26:39.880 many children and I have the business and I have this and I have that. And it becomes a challenge.

00:26:45.140 Is that a critical component? And do you see success in, for lack of a better term,

00:26:50.560 lumping these together with multiple children? No. One-on-one is non-negotiable. So like you,

00:26:57.460 Ryan, I'm an absolute lunatic. I have four kids now. So we're in the same boat. The power of one-on-one, 0.98

00:27:05.200 again, you've got to separate the parts to strengthen the whole. One-on-one time takes away

00:27:10.100 all sibling rivalry, all attention of maybe they lean on your wife a little more because you're not

00:27:15.580 around as much or your husband, whichever. And the one-on-one time is like putting the magnifying

00:27:21.900 glass on that relationship in a good way. Okay. You and I, let's say we're having an issue with

00:27:28.080 our wife and we're going to go to a couple's weekend to try to really work on our relationship.

00:27:33.560 We're not bringing the kids. We love our kids. It just, it's not appropriate. The same thing here.

00:27:38.840 When, when, when you start, when I started to interview entrepreneurs, when we were really fine

00:27:42.240 tuning this about six years ago, it was amazing to see how, how random it was that people actually

00:27:47.940 had one-on-one time with their kids. There was always a spouse. There was always a sibling.

00:27:51.720 There was always a best friend. And what I've found is a lot of the noise just goes away. And when

00:27:57.420 you're focused one-on-one quality time, deeper connection, this is probably the most simple,

00:28:04.340 but the most profound when people say, wow, I didn't realize the difference it would make because

00:28:08.700 no one wants to have the next Jam Brady, right? And Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. And, and that can kind 1.00

00:28:13.960 of happen even if you're not doing that. That's how, but when you, when you distribute equal quality

00:28:19.400 time one-on-one, I'm telling you that separating the parts of strength in the whole does wonders for

00:28:24.500 the whole family.

00:28:27.660 Men, we are knee deep in the conversation we're having in our exclusive brotherhood,

00:28:31.780 the iron council this month about being the protectors that we as men are called to be

00:28:36.460 each and every month. We identify a new topic that we as men want to address. We do a deep dive into

00:28:43.080 that topic. We complete assignments, participate in challenges, and otherwise do the work required to

00:28:49.320 excel in our lives. But we also focus on what we call our battle plan, which is a 90 day system

00:28:55.340 for planning out your life, tracking your progress, accomplishing big things with regards to your

00:29:01.220 health and your wealth, your relationships, your personal goals. So if you're looking for the tools to

00:29:06.380 help you up your game, or if you think you might just need a good kick in the pants from a band of

00:29:11.340 brothers who have your back, the iron council is where you need to be. You can learn more about

00:29:16.140 what we're up to and reserve your spot at the table at order of man.com. Now let's get back to

00:29:21.380 that conversation with Jim. Let's move on to the second component of this, which is no electronics.

00:29:27.500 And this is almost impossible. It seems like with this tapped in as we are to technology and

00:29:32.800 electronics, talk to me about this. I was real lucky years ago, and a person that helped me

00:29:37.880 perfect this strategy and simplify it was Dr. Ned Hollowell. He's the leading expert in ADD,

00:29:44.280 ADHD in the nation, was with Harvard Medical School for 15 years. I was at a private event with him,

00:29:49.280 saw him speak, he saw me speak. And he's the one who introduced me to screen sucking. And screen

00:29:57.160 sucking is just a basic way where we stay on electronics longer than we even desire to,

00:30:01.440 and we're not even sure why. And we don't even recognize how long we're on those things, 0.88

00:30:05.220 right? I know time gets away from me when I'm on Facebook. Exactly. Exactly. And me too. So what

00:30:12.260 he talked about was the important of, you know, you got to disconnect to reconnect. And again,

00:30:18.640 it's so rare now, Ryan, so rare that someone will be one-on-one for four hours, eight hours overnight

00:30:25.560 without their phone on. And let me tell you what happens. First of all, you and I are busy guys.

00:30:30.240 So if we tried to do this one-on-one, first of all, man, that is the starting point. That's going

00:30:34.860 to do some really good things. But if the whole time you're one-on-one, you're getting this text

00:30:39.380 that, you know, one of them pisses you off. Oh, let me listen to this email real quick. Let me take

00:30:43.740 this quick call. You think you're actually spending quality time with them, but you're not. You're

00:30:48.260 immediately saying this call is more important than you. This text is more important than you. This email

00:30:53.200 is more important than you. This post is more important than you. On my board meetings, my phone is on

00:30:58.180 airplane mode because I want to take a picture to commemorate the moment every 90 days. Now I've

00:31:02.340 been doing these for almost seven years. So my goal is every 90 days we're having this, this adventure

00:31:08.580 together, this, this deepening moment. And I'm taking a picture to commemorate. So the time they

00:31:12.960 leave when they're 19 years old, they're going to have this catalog of all of our pillars of moments

00:31:17.240 together. So that's my only, that's my only electronics. But what I found is if they're on their

00:31:23.420 phone texting and playing this game and there's really no connection, there's not, there's, there's a

00:31:30.540 complete separation. And what I found again is when the electronics go off, the noise goes away. Again,

00:31:37.780 we're trying to put the magnifying glass on the relationship in a positive way. And that's what taking

00:31:43.820 electronics out of the equation can be. And it sets an example, especially for, for the busy working men

00:31:49.620 out there, Ryan, that the relationship with your son or daughter is more important than that phone

00:31:55.740 call, that text, that email. And it might not come out verbally in that clear of a way, but believe me,

00:32:01.900 that message does penetrate, especially the more you start to do these consistently every 90 days.

00:32:07.760 I mean, there's also, I mean, obviously there's benefit to having a no electronics policy with your

00:32:13.860 children in this case, but I mean, the benefits to yourself are huge too. I know when I go to the

00:32:18.600 mountain, for example, and we don't even have service, so I don't even bother bringing a computer

00:32:22.100 or my cell phone or whatever it may be. I know that inability to connect digitally just recharges

00:32:28.240 me, rejuvenates me. And like you said, it allows me to reconnect with my family or nature or my

00:32:33.580 spirituality side. Such a cool experience. Yeah. And there, there is, you will see it. Anyone out there

00:32:39.940 that's going to do their first one, there will be an absolute feeling of pride that you turn that thing

00:32:46.560 off and your business didn't blow up. No one really needs to talk to you. There is an absolute

00:32:50.860 feeling of pride to say, I turned this sucker off and I gave my son his full attention that he was 0.98

00:32:57.320 due and it felt good as hell. Let's move to this third component because this, this is interesting 0.90

00:33:02.140 and this can be taken a couple of different ways. In fact, you distinguish the two because when you

00:33:05.920 talk about fun activity, that doesn't mean fun activity for you. It means fun activity for your

00:33:10.180 children. Talk to me about this. Yeah. So fun activity with focus reflection is basically the

00:33:14.860 shortest definition I could come up with Ryan for experiential education. Now you and I have

00:33:19.340 talked about education and about learning about how we got to upgrade better learning for our kids

00:33:23.840 and better education. So this is something I'm super passionate about. And one clear thing I've seen

00:33:28.300 education, experiential education, best on the planet gets the best results, but it's harder to put

00:33:34.040 together and take the time to do so. But we are now using the power of one of the most powerful forms of

00:33:41.060 of education on earth, experiential education to deepen the relationship with our kids.

00:33:46.040 And what experiential education is, is put your students in direct inspiring experiences and save

00:33:51.920 time at the end for focus reflections, which is just time to communicate and open up conversations

00:33:57.240 about deeper values and core levels of importance. So we are using experiential education in a fun way to

00:34:04.120 deepen the relationship with our kids. Now it is, as you said, a fun activity of their choice, not yours,

00:34:11.180 because sometimes with good intention or sometimes not with bravado, we say, this is what you're going

00:34:17.080 to do and we're going to bond. Sure. So let's say you and I, or you and your son, Ryan, he has a board

00:34:22.260 meeting come up and you love antique car shows and he's got no interest. So you drag them along to an

00:34:27.260 antique car show one-on-one, turn off the phones. And at the end of the day, say, isn't it great? We bonded

00:34:32.200 son. No, I mean, we want, we want to give them the ownership and you want to see something cool

00:34:37.700 about creativity, getting clear on what are they passionate about? What are they really interested

00:34:41.500 in? You let them create that day and you say, activity of your choice. You plan the day, man, they get

00:34:47.720 into it. We could do this. We could do, can we do that? Well, let me think. I want to do this. So that's how

00:34:54.240 it works. You let them, the ownership, the buy-in is letting them plan the day because we can guess

00:35:01.160 what they might want to do or guess, or not even just say, well, this is what we want to do. Come

00:35:05.880 and you'll like it or not. We don't want to do that. You let them pick it. And now we've got one-on-one

00:35:12.580 time. We have no phones on and we're plugging into the most powerful form of education on the planet

00:35:17.300 to strengthen the relationship with our kids and do it in a fun way. I mean, I can tell you personally,

00:35:21.980 I had a great experience with my oldest son using this, something that he decided would be

00:35:27.900 important or fun to him. He wants to be a quote unquote animal, a cowboy animal doctor.

00:35:33.540 So one day I had, I have got a friend who's a veterinarian here in town. And one day I called

00:35:38.280 him up. I said, Hey, can I bring my son in just to go through some procedures or whatever it is you

00:35:42.980 do? And he says, yeah, have him come in for a couple hours. So me and my son went in and we

00:35:47.300 watched a, watched a dog having some teeth extracted. We watched one of the most hilarious

00:35:52.600 things I've ever seen, which is trying to feed a cat, a pill. That was really interesting.

00:35:57.980 We went through some other things as well, but this experiential education is so, so important.

00:36:04.160 And my son just walked out of there with so much energy and enthusiasm and engagement and excitement

00:36:10.420 for life because we experienced that together in an environment that wasn't, Hey, let's study this

00:36:15.480 textbook, but let's experience this.

00:36:17.420 Exactly. You hit it spot on because what's important to your son might not be important

00:36:24.220 to one of your other sons, but people are, oh, parents are always saying, dads are always saying,

00:36:29.340 geez, I wish I knew what my kid was, you know, had interest in or passionate about so I could support

00:36:33.480 him better. When you let, you give them the space like this to plan the day, these come, these are

00:36:38.560 going to well up. It's going to become clear. They might be interested in certain sports, certain

00:36:42.560 things. I have an animal guru in our house too. So we, you know, we went to the dolphin rescue.

00:36:46.820 We've done all sorts of things like that, you know, and he has interest, maybe marine biology,

00:36:52.160 some sort of ocean thing. Again, our job as parents is, I think the best educator we can be,

00:36:58.020 find out what they're passionate about, dump gasoline on it and set it on fire, you know,

00:37:02.240 or as the Montessori approach says, follow the child. We're giving them that lead here.

00:37:07.940 Let me ask you this, Ryan, instead of you going to that vet and seeing the cat pill and the teeth

00:37:12.760 being taken out, you would just drop your son off and come and pick them up in a few hours.

00:37:17.280 Do you think the experience would have been in the same? Do you think he would have been able to

00:37:20.500 share the passion and excitement of what had just happened the last four hours? Or would he maybe

00:37:24.140 get in the car and go, yeah, it was pretty cool. Yeah. Talk for a few minutes and be done.

00:37:27.500 That's what would happen is I'd say, how, how'd the experience go? And just like you said, yeah,

00:37:30.900 it was cool. We did this and this, and I wouldn't have the same level of energy. And he would see that

00:37:34.840 and think that it wasn't important to me, something that was important to him. So I imagine it would

00:37:38.560 take a lot away from the experience. Exactly. Exactly. So it's, it is, it is that clear. If

00:37:44.440 you let them create the day and then go through the experience together and at the end, so again,

00:37:50.980 experiential education is direct inspiring experiences and then spending time at the end

00:37:54.680 with focused reflection, which just means communication at the end. The first question

00:37:59.140 of experiential education is what was your favorite part of the activity or the day? And why?

00:38:04.680 That seems because people are like focused reflection. Holy cow. Is he a psychologist?

00:38:09.620 Like far from not, not even close by that. Right. But people say that sounds, how am I

00:38:14.380 going to get them to open up? Start with that one question. Start with that one question and talk

00:38:18.440 about the day. See, see what's brought up. And I can give you some other tips of how to really make

00:38:24.120 this the most enjoyable and most effective as well. But that's the starting point to just start

00:38:29.260 talking at the end. What'd you like? How was that? And you, and they're able to ask you the same and

00:38:34.380 it's pretty amazing where the conversation can lead to. Yeah. I love it. Well, unfortunately,

00:38:38.980 we're going to have to skip the tips today because we are bumping up against time, but

00:38:42.960 no worries. No worries. If I could, if I could say one thing though, Ryan, absolutely board meetings

00:38:47.920 like these are not meant for times of lecture to tell your child how they can improve. Don't do it.

00:38:54.540 That's my own. That's my one tip real quick. Don't prepare 50 lectures to go on this. You will

00:38:58.760 absolutely kill the connection. So no lectures. You got problems. You want them to improve on that.

00:39:03.660 It's not supposed to come up on the board meeting. I just had to say that for the best result. Sorry

00:39:07.480 about that. No, no, it's great. I understand how important that can be just in my own experience.

00:39:11.660 And, and I've made the mistake of lecturing and it doesn't go well. And it's not the fault of the

00:39:16.560 board meeting. It's my fault for incorporating a lecture into something that is not supposed to be

00:39:20.800 an opportunity for you to get on your soapbox. Absolutely. Me too, brother. These tips are important

00:39:27.240 guys. Look, the book and the outline and the family board meeting is a very simple read. It's a very

00:39:32.120 simple process. It's not always easy because we're trying to change the trajectory of where we are,

00:39:37.500 but I promise I know personally in my life, these have impacted me. So Jim, I got to tell you,

00:39:42.560 I appreciate you sharing this stuff. I want to ask you a couple of questions as we wind down. The first

00:39:46.760 one is what does it mean to be a man? Oh, wow. That's an intense question for having to think about it

00:39:53.780 for 30 minutes. I think to be a man is, is to live my purpose without regards to fear. And I think

00:40:02.220 I have to, as a father, a man, I need to provide and protect. And again, going back to set that

00:40:10.080 example. And the best way I can set the example is to be true to myself and follow my purpose without

00:40:15.900 fear getting in the way. That's what a man means to me doing that, setting that example and being able

00:40:22.020 to provide and protect for my family and for my friends as well. Provide true friendship to

00:40:27.640 provide true support. That's what being a man means. Powerful. And I, and I agree with that.

00:40:33.480 And I define myself as that, as that as well. So powerful stuff. Jim, how do we connect with you?

00:40:38.220 Somebody's listening to this. They say, Hey, I got to, I got to implement this stuff with my family.

00:40:41.180 How do we connect? How do we learn more about the work that you're doing? Yeah. If you want to learn

00:40:45.000 more about what we're doing, you're welcome to get in touch with me at Jim at board meetings.com.

00:40:50.080 Uh, also if you go to www dot family board meetings.com, uh, we do parent child retreats

00:40:56.440 for entrepreneurs and their kids. Our next one's in Utah. Uh, and we're also starting to do some more,

00:41:01.160 uh, consulting and private work with different people that need it. So if you want to go to

00:41:05.840 family board meetings.com can find us there and also a private Facebook page that if you just reach

00:41:10.900 out to me, Jim Shields, I'll be able to get you into the group as well. Right on. We will link all of

00:41:15.740 that up. So the guys can check that out, Jim. I got to tell you, I appreciate you. My family,

00:41:19.420 although they don't know you appreciates you as well, because some of the things that you have

00:41:23.360 taught me I've implemented and it's made a major difference in our lives. So I appreciate you,

00:41:28.420 brother. I really do. No, I did. Oh, you've been a huge person for me standing up to fear. A couple

00:41:33.320 of things you said just really resonated. So thank you. There it is guys. My conversation with Jim

00:41:39.660 Shields to the dads listening in. I hope you got a ton of value from that one to the other men listening

00:41:44.360 in who may not be fathers quite yet. Start this stuff from the beginning. I wish that I would

00:41:51.220 have done so. And again, pick up a copy of Jim's book, the family board meeting. It's a quick read.

00:41:56.120 It's jam packed with tools and tips for connecting with your kids. You can head to order a man.com

00:42:02.060 slash one one eight as an episode 118 for the link to that book and everything else that we discussed

00:42:08.460 today. Also, I'll make mention of our exclusive brotherhood. Again, the iron council. I don't want to

00:42:13.200 beat a dead horse here, but I found that surrounding myself with the right people has paid huge dividends

00:42:18.480 in my life and you are going to find the right men inside the iron council. Go to order of man.com

00:42:24.240 slash iron council to learn more gentlemen. I will look forward to talking with you on Friday for our

00:42:29.500 Friday field notes, but until then take action and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for

00:42:35.720 listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man

00:42:40.820 you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - June 20, 2017

118： Connecting With Your Kids ｜ Jim Sheils

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