Order of Man - 12 Tips for Protecting Yourself in Marriage ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gents, what's going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,

00:00:27.420 and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and the movement that is Order of Man.

00:00:32.280 I want to welcome you here and welcome you back. If you've been with us for any amount of time,

00:00:36.180 you know that this is a show about reclaiming and restoring masculinity in a society that seems to be

00:00:41.160 increasingly dismissive of it and moving away from what it traditionally means to be a man.

00:00:46.220 It's my job to give you the conversations and tools and resources and guidance and direction

00:00:50.460 that you need in order to become a more capable man in your life. So we've got an incredible

00:00:56.440 lineup of guests. We've got our Wednesday, ask me anything. And then we've got today's show,

00:01:00.380 your Friday field notes. And today I'm going to talk with you about 12 tips for protecting yourself

00:01:07.040 in marriage. This seems to me to become a, an increasingly important topic. One that I think

00:01:14.620 a lot of men get wrong. And I know there's a lot of reasons for that, which I'll get into here in a

00:01:18.580 minute. But this is going to be a very, very important conversation that we're going to have today,

00:01:22.540 whether you are already married or whether at some point you are planning on getting married

00:01:27.100 or considering getting married. We're going to address that today. Before I do, let me just share

00:01:31.960 with you a couple of ways that you can pick up some Christmas gifts, either give people ideas for

00:01:38.080 yourself or pick up some Christmas gifts for a brother, a friend, a dad, a colleague, a coworker,

00:01:44.020 just another man who, who you want to be able to support this movement. And of course,

00:01:48.520 appreciate them for what they bring into your life. First, you can go to store.orderofman.com

00:01:54.680 and check out what we have by way of swag. We've got hats and wallets and battle planners and shirts

00:02:01.120 and flags. I mean, we've got it all go check it out. Store.orderofman.com and show the world where

00:02:08.560 you stand regarding masculinity. The second place I would suggest is over at my friends and show sponsors

00:02:13.840 origin. They've got some incredible, incredible denim. They've got their footwear, their boots

00:02:19.340 specifically. I have their bison boots. Those things are absolutely phenomenal. They've also

00:02:24.340 got their keys and their rash guards and their hoodies and their supplemental lineup partnered

00:02:28.820 up with Jocko. So if you're interested in any of that, then you can head over to origin main as in

00:02:34.680 the state main origin, main.com and use the code order at checkout. You'll get a discount on every

00:02:40.320 single thing that you purchase over there. Again, origin main use the code order and store.orderofman.com

00:02:46.560 for order of man merchandise. All right, guys, let's get into it today. Obviously we're going to be

00:02:51.640 talking about something very important. You saw the title of this podcast or video, which is 12 tips

00:02:57.980 for protecting yourself in marriage. I know that this is becoming an increasing problem. I know that

00:03:06.080 the family court system is stacked against men in my work over the past five years. I've seen

00:03:10.240 I can't even tell you how many men who have been screwed over by the court systems who are

00:03:16.140 not able to see their children or be engaged in their children's lives, who have been crippled 0.99

00:03:22.460 financially because of divorce, not marriage, but divorce. And I want to talk with you about why I

00:03:29.120 still believe that marriage is important, why marriage is powerful, how it's been powerful in my life.

00:03:34.640 And because of that, I want to share with you 12 strategies for keeping yourself protected in

00:03:40.840 marriage so that you don't become part of the, the result of the systems in a lot of ways being

00:03:48.120 stacked against men. And in a lot of ways, again, marriage is very powerful for me. I wholeheartedly

00:03:54.040 believe in the sanctity and power of marriage. I'm a better man because I've committed to one woman

00:03:58.220 and she's committed to me. I'm a better husband, of course, because we are married. I'm a better

00:04:03.700 father. I'm a better business owner. I'm a better man in general because of what she brings to the

00:04:08.800 table and the fact that I've disciplined myself to commit to one woman. And she's made that commitment

00:04:14.300 to me and we're both better off for it because we've decided to do that. Now I will say, because a lot

00:04:21.680 of guys say, I don't want to get married because I don't feel like the government needs to be involved

00:04:26.360 in that. Look, I completely understand. So if you want to swap out marriage for another term or just

00:04:31.580 a union or a commitment, great. But what I would advise you to be careful of doing is pretending that

00:04:37.740 you're committed. If you're really not just saying that you don't want to get married, because I'm not

00:04:43.640 saying the marriage is the commitment part. I'm saying that it's easy to fool ourselves into believing

00:04:48.860 that we're committed if we're really not. And that extra step of having a formal marriage ceremony

00:04:55.800 to me is something that is just one more layer of, and level of commitment. So if you feel like,

00:05:05.220 and you're being truthful with yourself about committing to a woman, but you've decided not

00:05:08.700 to marry because of some of these reasons, I can get that. I can understand that, but just be very,

00:05:13.540 very cautious of saying that you're committed, but not really committing because that's going to

00:05:20.060 be a problem. We're going to address that today as well. So we're just going to jump right into it.

00:05:24.180 Again, 12 tips for keeping yourself protected in marriage. Now, six of these things are going to

00:05:28.600 apply prior to marriage, because this is very, very important that you protect yourself prior

00:05:33.340 to getting married or prior to committing. And then six of these things are going to apply

00:05:37.880 towards once you are married and how important it is to keep and maintain some of these tips and

00:05:43.500 strategies I'm going to share with you. So we'll get into it. Number one, don't have sex before

00:05:47.720 marriage. All right, let's just get that one out of the way. Do not have sex before marriage. 0.97

00:05:51.320 Now I know a lot of guys are going to say, well, you know, you want to test drive and

00:05:54.260 you want to make sure you're, you're physically compatible. You're compatible. All right. You

00:05:58.900 have the parts. She has the parts you're compatible. Uh, you're going to find out, uh, regarding

00:06:04.040 intimacy, uh, about this woman prior to having sex. You don't need to have sex with a woman 1.00

00:06:08.360 to understand if you're emotionally, uh, connected to her. And if you can be intimate with her and

00:06:13.320 you're, if you're compatible or not, I don't believe that sex is a great indicator as to

00:06:19.240 whether or not you are compatible because you can evolve and grow and learn and please

00:06:23.520 each other in different ways above and beyond your, your level of compatibility. The reason

00:06:28.680 it's important that you don't have sex before marriage. It's interesting that I have to explain

00:06:33.120 this, but the reason is, and I'm going to talk about outside of unwanted pregnancy, unwanted

00:06:38.420 disease, of course, but there's just, there's a level of emotional baggage that comes into

00:06:46.020 play. When you have sex with women prior to marriage, she's going to be emotionally connected 1.00

00:06:51.260 to you and believe it or not. And regardless of how hard you want to be, you're going to

00:06:56.740 be connected to her in some way. There is a, a connection when a man and a woman get intimate

00:07:02.820 physically with each other. And what I've seen is because of unwanted pregnancy, uh, because

00:07:10.340 of this connection, what I've seen is men actually jump into marriage because of these things.

00:07:16.460 And if that's why you're jumping into the marriage, it's the wrong reason to do it.

00:07:19.580 Now, could it work out? Sure. And it has for millions and millions of couples, but why put

00:07:24.760 yourself in that situation? You don't need to. So be very, very cautious of having sex with 0.78

00:07:31.020 women prior to marriage. I know that's not a popular thought. I know that's something that 0.99

00:07:36.620 goes against, uh, modern society, but you know what? It seems to me that, uh, fatherless

00:07:42.420 homes are a very, very real problem. Uh, boys and girls growing up without dad around. It

00:07:48.420 seems to me that there's a lot of unwanted pregnancy. It seems to me there's a lot of,

00:07:52.500 uh, baggage, emotional baggage that comes with, uh, engaging in sex before you're committed

00:07:58.460 to a woman. So be very, very cautious of doing that. And I know that may make me sound like 1.00

00:08:04.560 a prude or, or, or, or, you know, out of touch with current times. So be it. I'm fine with

00:08:11.060 that because I think the benefits of waiting far outweigh the potential cost and risk of

00:08:19.300 having sex with somebody prior to being married to that, to that woman. That's number one. 0.99

00:08:23.420 Uh, number two, don't move in with girlfriends prior to marriage. Again, everybody says, or a

00:08:31.280 lot of people say anyways, that they want to test drive. They want to make sure it's okay.

00:08:34.480 They want to make sure we're, look, if you have those types of doubts, then that's probably

00:08:39.180 a pretty good indicator that maybe you shouldn't get married at all. That maybe this isn't the

00:08:43.100 right woman. Now I know for me specifically, and if I'm just looking at my case, I realized

00:08:47.300 this is anecdotal. I didn't need to test drive a relationship with my wife. Her and I dated 1.00

00:08:53.900 for four years. We knew each other very, very well. Um, we didn't have sex before marriage

00:08:59.600 and we were committed. We knew each other outside of, you know, minor things like how

00:09:05.540 she does the dishes or how she organizes her clothes and her dresser. Like, I don't need

00:09:10.260 to know that stuff in order for me to understand that this is a woman that I want to spend the 0.66

00:09:14.060 rest of my life with. So I know there's a lot of excuses and a lot of reasons why you'd

00:09:18.420 say, and, and it's a way to ease into it. Look, you can find out about a woman enough

00:09:23.260 to the point where you decide if this is a woman that you want to spend the rest of your

00:09:26.420 life with, without having to move in with her. And part of the problem is when you move

00:09:31.140 in, you add this, these elements. So you have, uh, bank accounts and you have houses potentially

00:09:39.520 together and you have stuff that you need to deal with and you aren't fully committed

00:09:43.280 to that woman. Well, what happens when it doesn't work out and it may not work out because 1.00

00:09:49.820 you haven't fully committed. Well, in that case, you've got a lot of issues to deal with,

00:09:54.780 like moving out of the house and figuring out whose stuff is who, and where do the dogs

00:09:59.100 go? And where are the kids that were born out of wedlock go? And how do we deal with

00:10:02.480 this? So just don't do it. All right. Just, just stay in your place, have her stay in her 1.00

00:10:09.100 place. Uh, and, and it's going to be better. It's just going to be a better situation. Uh,

00:10:14.660 if you don't move in prior to being a, being fully committed to one, to one woman, uh, number

00:10:19.980 three, address red flags early. If she shows any sign of red flags or, or, or baggage that

00:10:29.360 you aren't interested in dealing with, whether it's emotional baggage or maybe even some level

00:10:34.020 of mental illness. I talk with a lot of guys who are married to women who are bipolar, uh,

00:10:40.000 who have other medical and, and, and mental illnesses that they're dealing with. Look, it

00:10:44.340 doesn't make you wrong or a bad person. If you aren't interested in dealing with that, that's,

00:10:49.180 that's reality. And you have to be very, very cautious of, of, of not addressing these red 0.87

00:10:56.560 flags. Another thing I see a lot is there's red flags about a girlfriend or a fiance stepping

00:11:02.880 out, maybe, uh, hooking up with other guys and men will overlook that. And they'll overlook

00:11:10.000 the fact that their, their, their girlfriend or fiance is potentially stepping out on them

00:11:16.200 because they love this woman or the sex is good, or, you know, they've envisioned their

00:11:21.300 whole life and they've wrapped up their whole identity in who this woman is. And they're not 0.59

00:11:25.420 willing to address the red flags, other red flags. Maybe she has some financial, uh, spending habits

00:11:32.660 that you need to be aware of. Cause look, if she is a reckless spender and you guys do decide 0.95

00:11:38.840 to commit and get married, well, you're attaching yourself to that, that problem. And if you are

00:11:45.340 unwilling to address it and potentially unwilling to walk away, if needs be, cause there are deal

00:11:50.720 breakers, uh, then you're going to find yourself in a world of hurt. You're going to be in a bad

00:11:56.140 position and you're going to tee yourself up for failure. And ultimately, as I'm talking about these

00:12:00.280 tips, again, the first six are what you're going to do prior to marriage. And the first, the last

00:12:04.560 second six are what you're going to do after you're married. Um, but if you're not addressing

00:12:08.460 those red flags early, then you're setting yourself up and you want to be very, very cautious

00:12:12.880 of doing that. Uh, number four is along the same lines is don't date insane women. All 0.95

00:12:18.960 right. And I know everybody's gonna say, well, all women are insane. No, that's not true.

00:12:23.060 We don't understand women. Of course we don't. Why would we? We're not women and women don't 1.00

00:12:28.100 understand men fully. Why? Because they're not men. In fact, we're not even really supposed

00:12:32.280 to understand each other completely. Uh, that is the point of a union, a partnership with a woman 1.00

00:12:39.240 is that she brings something to the table that you can't possibly bring to yourself. You bring

00:12:43.840 something to the table that she can't entirely bring to the table herself. And because you come

00:12:49.100 to the table and you agree, and you both bring strengths and weaknesses and offset each other,

00:12:53.700 you're better off for it. You're more able to serve yourself, to serve her, to serve others,

00:12:58.420 to grow, to evolve, to learn new ideas and thoughts, to be challenged in ways that you

00:13:02.720 wouldn't be outside of marriage. Um, so it is important. It is important that we have these

00:13:09.700 unions with, with, with our wives that said, you're not going to understand them, but that's not what

00:13:14.860 I'm talking about. When I'm saying insanity, I'm talking about mental illness. I'm talking about,

00:13:20.400 uh, emotional trauma and baggage that she brings to the table. Uh, there's a, there's a difference.

00:13:26.600 There's a fine line between a woman being insane and a woman being intriguing. And I know it's 1.00

00:13:34.660 enticing to date wild women. I know it's enticing to look for these, these crazy attributes that 1.00

00:13:41.120 they have, this wildness and this adventure and this freedom and this love that women possess,

00:13:46.520 uh, into a degree, I think it's actually healthy, but taken to the extreme, like a lot of women, 1.00

00:13:51.760 women will, uh, you're only setting yourself up for success for failure. So be very, very cautious 1.00

00:13:57.320 of, uh, dating somebody with, with emotional baggage, with some sort of mental insanity or,

00:14:04.460 or, or levels of craziness. It's just not going to work out for you. Maybe fun to date the woman, 0.98

00:14:10.140 but not definitely not going to be fun to commit and marry this woman. And I realized guys, maybe the

00:14:16.080 sex is good, which I addressed in point number one. Uh, I realized that, you know, she's got a 1.00

00:14:22.380 great body or that you may have fallen in love with her, but none of that, none of that makes up

00:14:27.260 for having to deal with this on the backend. If you've decided to commit to this woman, if you

00:14:31.920 decided to invest financially and emotionally and physically with this woman, uh, it's going to

00:14:37.240 create some real problems. So address the red flags was number three. And then number four,

00:14:41.040 just don't date insane women. Simple as that. Number five, communicate on important matters. 1.00

00:14:47.280 Now, as you're dating women and you get to know one woman in particular, and you feel like this is

00:14:52.180 the one, and this is the one that you could spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes it's easy to

00:14:56.960 overlook important issues, important issues. Like how many kids do you want to have? Where do you

00:15:02.220 want to live? Do you want to stay at home? Do you want to be in the workforce? Uh, uh, how are your,

00:15:08.440 your, your, your spending habits? What are your religious beliefs? These are like things you

00:15:13.220 probably want to talk about. And it's amazing to me how many couples don't talk about this stuff

00:15:17.660 beforehand. And then they end up getting married and they have these huge differences in opinion on

00:15:23.980 the way that, for example, a child should be raised and introduced to religion or spirituality,

00:15:29.780 or they have these financial problems, or the wife wants to go enter the workforce, but the husband

00:15:35.900 thought that their plan all along was for her to stay home and take care of the house and raise the

00:15:40.520 kids. Like you'd want to know that stuff. And this is part of the red flags. If you're not having these

00:15:46.180 conversations about these important subjects, you're never going to know them. You're going to

00:15:50.520 guess she's going to be guessing. And then you're going to find out in two, five, 10 years. And that's

00:15:54.980 a bad time to find out if there's deal breakers in the midst. And trust me, there are, there are deal

00:16:01.300 breakers. If she doesn't want to have kids, for example, and you've always had a dream to have

00:16:05.280 three or four or five or 10 kids, whatever it is, that she's not interested in having kids.

00:16:10.260 That's a deal breaker. At least it should be because why should you sacrifice your dreams

00:16:16.180 for her? And you know what? Same goes for her. Why should she sacrifice her dreams for you? 0.99

00:16:21.340 There may be some compatibility issues in the way that you were raised, the way that you view the

00:16:26.140 world, the way that you see things, your future goals and ambitions. If she wants to move to Canada

00:16:31.360 or Africa or wherever, and you want to stay in the States, that's going to create some rift.

00:16:36.340 And, and some of that can be worked through and some of that can be worked out. But ultimately

00:16:40.260 if there's fundamental differences between the way you and her see the world, well,

00:16:45.820 find somebody else. Oh, but Ryan, I'm in love with this woman. Great. I understand that. But there's

00:16:50.640 not just one woman out there. You can find another woman that you love. Maybe you love even more

00:16:56.580 and that you're completely compatible with. And you're on the same page with a lot of things.

00:17:00.660 Now, granted, you don't have to agree on everything. There's trivial, excuse me, matters

00:17:04.900 and issues and deals that, that you're not going to agree on. My wife and I certainly don't agree on

00:17:08.780 everything, but fundamentally we do. We're moving in the same direction and we always have been.

00:17:13.560 And because we have that foundation of moving in the same direction together, we're able to get

00:17:18.260 through those differences. So the fundamentals are, are, are similar. Uh, the way that we get there

00:17:24.620 might differ. And again, that's a good thing. She brings a perspective I don't have and vice versa.

00:17:29.160 So just make sure you're communicating regularly on these important issues,

00:17:32.420 understand what deal breakers are, uh, ask her what her deal breakers are. And it's not comfortable

00:17:37.340 to realize that, you know, maybe this woman that I adamantly love isn't the best person for me.

00:17:42.900 I mean, that's not a good thought, but I'm telling you, you want to know now as opposed to the next five

00:17:47.680 or 10 years. And then the last component that I wanted to share a tip before marriage is you might want

00:17:53.880 to consider prenuptial agreements. Again, one of the greatest risks in marriage is financial risks,

00:17:59.940 especially if you're coming to the table with, uh, some financial acumen and assets already built up.

00:18:05.000 Maybe you've been in a previous marriage, uh, and you've built some wealth and assets. You want to

00:18:09.100 make sure you protect yourself. I understand that, uh, you know, well, with my wife, for example,

00:18:14.800 like we built this business together, we've built our life together. I believe that she is

00:18:19.800 entitled to a portion of what we have created together because we've done it together. But if

00:18:24.720 I'd come to the marriage with something that I had already built, that didn't have anything to do

00:18:28.720 with her, you bet your ass, I'm going to protect myself and I'm going to protect my finances. And I'm

00:18:32.820 going to protect my kids as well, which is why you ought to consider some estate planning

00:18:36.480 documentation as well. Making sure that, uh, if you come to the table and this, this mostly applies

00:18:43.540 to second marriages or with kids, kids in the picture from a previous marriage or relationship,

00:18:48.360 uh, that your wealth is not passed on to her. Should you die, but passed on to your children.

00:18:53.760 You want to make sure you think about this stuff, that you have it documented, uh, that it's done

00:18:58.700 legally, that all your T's are crossed and your eyes are dotted so that if something doesn't work

00:19:03.780 out down the road, you've protected yourself, you've protected your wealth, you've protected your

00:19:07.700 children potentially from a previous marriage or relationship. And you're just putting yourself in a

00:19:11.900 better situation. I didn't always used to think that this was a good idea, but based on the court

00:19:16.420 systems, uh, and based on, uh, what I've seen as far as, uh, finances and how men seem to get

00:19:24.740 taken advantage of quite often in these court situations and divorces. And, uh, I think it's

00:19:29.300 very important that you address this and you deal with this and you at least consider it.

00:19:32.900 So again, those are the six that you would consider now, now, not the only six, of course,

00:19:36.700 there's a lot of other considerations, but, uh, these are very, very important things. And I feel like

00:19:40.880 if you focus on these things, then you're going to set yourself up for success. Now it's not always

00:19:46.320 going to work out, but I think you put yourself in a much better situation when you do. Let me recap.

00:19:50.120 Number one, don't have sex before marriage. There's all sorts of baggage that comes with that

00:19:55.100 physical, emotional baggage that just isn't worth dealing with. Um, I know that you want to be

00:20:01.140 intimate. I know that you maybe want to test drive your, your potential lifelong partner and find out

00:20:06.780 if there's compatibility, I don't buy into that. If you guys are compatible emotionally, um, you can

00:20:12.680 be compatible physically as well. Uh, number two, don't move in before marriage. Again, you're

00:20:19.100 entering into this agreement of this contract and business in a way before you even, uh, establish

00:20:23.740 terms or define your level of commitment and her level of commitment. And so you run a lot of risk

00:20:28.400 there as well. Number three, address red flags early. Number four, don't date insane women. Again, 0.97

00:20:34.040 there's a difference between intriguing and insane. Uh, number five is communicate on important matters,

00:20:40.560 like actual real important stuff. Know that there's deal breakers. And then if there are

00:20:44.400 address them accordingly. And then number six, consider your legal documentation,

00:20:48.340 your estate planning documentation, and potentially prenuptial agreements to protect your interests and

00:20:55.080 wealth prior to marriage as well. All right. So that's, that's the first six. Now let's get into

00:20:59.020 the next six. This is for those of you who are married. Uh, and maybe you've, maybe you've

00:21:03.940 done all these things that I already shared. Maybe you haven't done any of them, but if you find

00:21:07.440 yourself in, in a marriage, uh, then you probably ought to adopt these next six principles. And look,

00:21:14.180 if you haven't up to this point, it's a great time to start. And I know that through implementing

00:21:18.580 these six strategies, I'm going to share with you here momentarily, your marriage is going to be

00:21:22.920 better. You're going to be better. Your marriage is going to be better. You're going to be more

00:21:26.340 successful. She's going to be more successful. Your kids are going to be better off. And it's going

00:21:30.180 to be less likely that you, uh, end up in a, uh, a divorced situation or, or, or cheated on or any

00:21:36.360 number of things that, that could happen. All right. So, so number seven, again, number one after

00:21:41.180 marriage, uh, don't become the perpetual nice guy. All right. It's very easy to become, and you could

00:21:46.740 do this prior to marriage too, but it's very easy to become the perpetual nice guy, uh, and, and become

00:21:52.480 the people pleaser. And so your whole world is revolving around her and anything that she wants

00:22:02.080 and anything that she needs becomes your objective. And it's the whole, you know, happy wife, happy

00:22:07.060 life thing. I don't buy into that. I think that's a detriment to you as a man. I think it's dangerous,

00:22:12.280 not only to you, but also to her. Uh, and I think it sets both you and her up for failure in the

00:22:17.600 marriage. Don't become the perpetual nice guy. Yes, you should be nice. But when I'm saying being

00:22:23.400 the nice guy, I'm talking about the people pleasing guy at the expense of yourself. I'm

00:22:28.320 talking about the man who gets railroaded, the man who gets taken advantage of the man who is

00:22:33.020 henpecked by every little thing, because he doesn't want to rock the boat. There's ways to be assertive.

00:22:38.600 There's ways to be bold. There's ways to assert yourself that, that isn't dickheaded. That doesn't

00:22:46.820 make you the a-hole. Uh, and it's, it's hard at times, but you've got to learn to be more assertive.

00:22:53.480 The assertiveness workbook is something I recommend quite a bit. Uh, no more. Mr. Nice guy is another

00:22:58.620 one. Um, be nice is another book. So there's, uh, or, or maybe it's don't be so nice. I butchered that

00:23:04.900 one. I don't know right offhand. I'll have to check into that one. Uh, anyways, don't become the

00:23:08.700 perpetual nice guy. Number two or number eight, however you want to look at this is do not ditch your

00:23:13.680 friends and your hobbies. I know that when I started dating my wife, the first thing to go

00:23:18.700 was my friends and my hobbies. It's because I wanted to spend time with her. That was the goal.

00:23:24.200 Like I wanted to be around her as often as I could and as much as I could. And because of that, I,

00:23:29.600 I forsake all of my friends and my hobbies and interests and activities. And then I just became

00:23:34.240 this little puppy dog that would follow her around and wander around wherever she went. And, you know,

00:23:39.200 to a woman, I think that's going to be enticing and maybe even flattering to a degree, but only 1.00

00:23:44.140 for a little bit. It's only for a little while until you become a nuisance. Like I said, you're

00:23:49.080 that puppy dog, the cute puppy dog that she gets for Christmas and she's all excited about it. And

00:23:53.200 within a month, she's not excited about it anymore because it gives her too much attention. So maintain

00:23:58.200 your sanity, maintain your wellbeing, continue to engage in the activities and hobbies and interests

00:24:04.600 that you're, that you're interested in. Continue to build your band of brothers, continue to spend

00:24:09.560 time and have fight nights and go train and do jujitsu and work out and shoot your bow or your

00:24:15.600 guns or paint or go, go perform in your band. Like whatever your thing is, continue to do that.

00:24:22.020 And I know it's hard, especially when you're first married, you want to spend your every waking

00:24:26.200 minute with her. But as the adage goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. So don't be so available.

00:24:33.200 Don't, don't, don't be around all the time and then go edify and uplift yourself through your

00:24:38.380 hobbies, interest and friends. Uh, number nine, again, I said this in the first one, I'm saying

00:24:44.200 it again. Now don't overlook red flags guys. If things come up and you think that maybe she's

00:24:52.260 cheating or maybe she's going down that path or, uh, you're having some problems in your marriage

00:24:58.020 about communication or you think she's got some financial troubles, or maybe there's some medical

00:25:03.700 stuff that she's dealing with, or you are. And there's these like little things that come up.

00:25:07.800 The longer you leave these, the more that they're going to fester and well up and they're going to

00:25:13.020 create problems down the road. I know that as men, we have a tendency of trying to sweep things under

00:25:17.340 the rug and hoping they go away. And very rarely does that work. Most of the time, what ends up

00:25:23.040 happening is we feel a sense of, well, bitterness and animosity towards individuals when we don't

00:25:31.060 get our needs met or when there's something happening and we aren't willing to address it

00:25:34.880 because we're, we're scared of what could potentially happen. Uh, it only gets worse. And if something's

00:25:41.320 going wrong in the marriage, like I want to know immediately again, it's not comfortable. It's not

00:25:45.940 comfortable to have some of these conversations, but if something's going wrong, I want to know right

00:25:49.600 now. I don't want to know in three years, I don't want to know in 10 years, because in that timeframe,

00:25:55.160 it's going to get infinitely worse and infinitely harder to deal with. You're going to be more tied

00:26:00.120 up, more wrapped up, maybe more children, more wealth to worry about more little nuances in the

00:26:04.960 marriage and the financial situation and life in general to have to deal with. So address them early,

00:26:10.880 address them often, and you will have to deal with these things as they compound and get worse.

00:26:15.600 All right. Number 10 is keeping yourself attractive physically, uh, mentally, emotionally,

00:26:23.200 spiritually, intellectually continue to grow and evolve and expand and get better at 38 years old.

00:26:30.640 I am in the best shape of my life. I'm the most intelligent that I've ever been. I'm the wealthiest

00:26:37.820 that I've ever been. Uh, and I've had my setbacks and I will continue to have those setbacks,

00:26:42.280 but I'm teeing myself up for success in all ways. And I continue to attempt and always get this right

00:26:48.000 to make myself more attractive in all ways, because if I'm more attractive to her and other

00:26:54.600 women, frankly, then she's less likely to go wandering around and trying to figure out where 1.00

00:26:59.320 else she can get what it is. She needs a lot of the times women are after men who they feel secure 1.00

00:27:04.440 with protected by, and who will help elevate them and get them to where they want to go.

00:27:10.620 Be that kind of man. And then you won't have to worry about this other guy stepping in because you

00:27:16.400 are that guy. You're the guy that she's infatuated with. You're the guy that she's dreaming about and

00:27:22.000 thinking about. You are the one getting it done. And she knows that she's with the right individual.

00:27:26.980 You it's easy. I did this when, when I first got married, it's easy to let yourself go. Uh,

00:27:33.780 it's easy to put on a few pounds to really stop pushing and exerting yourself to coast. And I've

00:27:39.320 done that as I've become more successful too, is to coast and rest on my laurels. Don't do that.

00:27:44.680 Continue to make yourself better every single day, grow, evolve, expand. And by the way, this is not

00:27:51.140 for her. Don't make it about her. That's point. Number one, when it comes to after being married is,

00:27:55.680 um, is don't make her the center of your universe by being that perpetual nice guy.

00:28:00.760 Do this for yourself. Have some self-respect, care about the way that you look, care about the way

00:28:06.660 that you feel, care about the way that you interact and how much information you have

00:28:10.040 and the hobbies and the mastery that you're trying to develop in your life. The more you do that,

00:28:14.420 the more attractive you will be. And the better it is for the marriage. And I have another point on

00:28:18.820 this with regards to her. And I'll get to that in a minute. Uh, number 11 is continue to date in court

00:28:25.380 her. And this kind of ties into what I was just talking about is that it's easy to, uh, just think

00:28:32.380 because now you're married and now you're committed that, you know, it's fine. Now she can, she can go

00:28:37.800 do her thing. I can do my thing. Like, I don't have to worry about any of this stuff. And then you

00:28:41.740 get wrapped up with kids and soccer programs and dance recitals and work is growing and expanding

00:28:47.500 and evolving and you're pulled away and more directions and more opportunities are presenting

00:28:51.200 themselves. And then wick gets pushed on the back burner is her. And so you continue, or you

00:28:56.260 forget to court her, to date her, to woo her, to win her over. And it isn't long before, like I said,

00:29:03.720 in the previous point that she has a desire to go find somebody who is going to give her the attention

00:29:07.860 that she wants and desires and craves and needs. So continue to court her, make her a priority in your

00:29:14.580 life, go on dates, uh, surprise her with little things, let her know how much you, you care about

00:29:19.440 her and you love her and you appreciate and respect her. Like those go such a long way.

00:29:24.360 Even if that's just a, a quick text or a little note or making the bed or taking her on a date

00:29:32.040 and going to see a movie the other night we had to plow snow. And I said, Hey hon, I got to go plow

00:29:37.040 the snow in the driveway. Why don't you just come outside with me? And she came inside and we sat in the

00:29:42.360 cab of my truck as I pushed the plow around the driveway and got it all done. And yeah, I mean,

00:29:46.680 we were plowing the driveway, but it was her and I together. Like we used to do 20 years ago,

00:29:52.280 as we drive around in my little pickup truck. Uh, and the kids were inside, they were watching a show

00:29:57.000 or playing a game. And her and I just had, you know, 20, 30 minutes of just undivided attention as

00:30:03.100 I was plowing the snow. I mean, it seems, it seems insignificant. It seems like it wouldn't matter,

00:30:08.580 but it does. And you start to compound those little actions over and over again. And you keep

00:30:13.060 yourself, uh, attractive to her and engaged with her. And, uh, you continue to court her and date

00:30:19.460 her. The marriage is doing well and it will continue to do well as long as you're doing that.

00:30:23.980 And then the last thing that I wanted to share with you is that you need to continue on your

00:30:27.960 self-development course. And again, this ties into everything else I've already said, but continue to

00:30:33.200 grow, continue to push yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and you're doing this to be a

00:30:38.500 shining example to her. And that's the point that I wanted to make on this last point or this last

00:30:43.300 tip here is encourage her to go on her own self-development journey. Because look, we don't

00:30:51.320 want women that aren't pushing themselves. And I'm not saying she needs to push herself the same way you

00:30:55.680 do. We've talked about this in the, ask me any things on the podcast before is guys will, will make

00:31:00.680 the assumption that just because, uh, their wife isn't growing the same way they are, or isn't reading

00:31:06.200 the same books that they are, or is it interested in business the way they are, that they aren't

00:31:09.800 growing? Well, that's not true. I mean, they all grow in, everybody grows in the, in different ways,

00:31:15.700 right? So, uh, some like my wife, she likes canning. She likes gardening. She likes homemaking. She likes 0.98

00:31:22.160 crafts and projects around the house. Well, she invests in that in herself and doing those things. 0.99

00:31:27.600 And just because she doesn't read the self-help development book that I read doesn't mean that

00:31:31.900 she's not growing. So encourage her when she's doing something that's helping her grow, be an

00:31:37.540 example of growth and progress. Try to try to encourage her and push her out into getting

00:31:44.520 new friends and new interests and new hobbies and activities. Because I tell you, if she does

00:31:49.580 that, she's going to be more fulfilled. And if she's more fulfilled, the marriage is going

00:31:54.160 to be better. You're going to be happier. She's going to be happier. The marriage is going

00:31:57.480 to do better. Uh, and it's a win-win all the way around. So there's the list guys, again,

00:32:03.320 not exhaustive. Um, I know that there's going to be some debate on some of these things as

00:32:07.140 well, and that's fine. Let's have a civil discussion about what you agree with what you don't. Uh,

00:32:11.120 but I think it's valuable. We talk about this again. I know that, uh, sometimes the odds,

00:32:15.520 uh, seem stacked against men, especially when it comes to divorce and family court systems

00:32:19.840 and financially. Uh, and I understand that, but I still believe that marriage is a powerful,

00:32:24.880 uh, union. I believe that, uh, society would be better off with nuclear families, husband 1.00

00:32:31.520 and wife and children all working together in harmony and working on the same path and

00:32:35.940 towards the same things. Uh, I know I have been greatly, greatly served by having my wife

00:32:41.380 in my life. I'm happier. I'm more fulfilled. I'm wealthier. I'm in better physical shape.

00:32:46.960 And I'm just a better man all the way around because not the only reason, but because she is

00:32:52.000 in my life. Uh, and I know that if you create a powerful union and marriage with, uh, with

00:32:57.640 another, another, another woman, uh, that it will be powerful for you as well. I just want to make

00:33:02.560 sure it works and using these 12 tips will help you move in that direction. Let me recap. And then

00:33:07.860 we'll call it a day. Number one, don't have sex before marriage. Number two, don't move in with 0.98

00:33:12.520 each other before marriage. Number three, address red flags early. Number four, don't date insane

00:33:17.840 women. Uh, number five, communicate on important matters. Number six, look at prenuptial agreements 1.00

00:33:23.800 and your, uh, financial documentation, like estate planning. Number seven, don't become the perpetual

00:33:29.880 nice guy and let her, your world revolve around her. Uh, number eight, do not ditch your friends

00:33:34.920 and hobbies. Number nine, don't overlook red flags. Again, I said that again, twice, uh, because it's

00:33:41.480 that important. Uh, number 10, keep yourself attractive physically, emotionally, intellectually,

00:33:45.900 financially, uh, number 11, continue to court and date her. And then number 12 is continual

00:33:52.460 self-development. And then also encouraging her to develop herself as well. That's it guys. I hope

00:33:57.880 that helps. Please let me know if there's something else you'd add to the list. I know a bunch of guys

00:34:01.320 are probably going to say, well, don't get married at all. Well, if that's the decision that you've

00:34:05.080 made and you don't want to get married, then that's fine. But if you've made the decision to get

00:34:09.200 married or you feel like at some point you will get married, um, it can work. And if you implement

00:34:14.000 these strategies and others, then you have a better likelihood of that working in it,

00:34:17.940 the marriage working for you and her, which is the ultimate goal. All right, guys, I'll let you

00:34:22.220 get going. I'll be back on Tuesday. I got a great podcast lined up with one of the authors back here

00:34:26.640 from, from the books in, in my library. I'm not going to spoil surprise, but, uh, I think you'll

00:34:31.640 like it anyways, uh, subscribe. I think we're almost at a hundred thousand YouTube subscribers. So

00:34:36.060 subscribe by clicking below or head to youtube.com slash order of man. All right, go out there,

00:34:41.920 take action, become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man

00:34:46.280 podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

00:34:51.400 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - December 06, 2019

12 Tips for Protecting Yourself in Marriage ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript