Order of Man - 20 Tips to Winning With Your Wife

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.460 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.220 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler and I

00:00:28.240 want to welcome you to the Order of Man podcast. If you are just joining us for the first time

00:00:32.360 today, my job is to help all of us around the planet as men restore, reclaim what it actually

00:00:39.660 means to be a man. It seems like more and more society is dismissing masculinity altogether

00:00:43.980 and has this notion of wanting to redefine it. And that's not what we're about here. We're

00:00:49.560 about restoring it. And so what I do each and every week is hold interviews and have conversations

00:00:53.860 with some of the most successful men on the planet on the topics of leadership and fatherhood

00:00:59.700 and being a better husband and fitness, business ownership, entrepreneurship, you name it. If

00:01:05.380 it's a conversation that's important to you as a man, we're having it. This one is a little

00:01:09.580 bit different than that in my interview show. This is your Friday field notes where you get

00:01:13.500 to hear from me and some of my thoughts and ideas and ramblings from throughout the week.

00:01:17.380 And I've got a very, very interesting and probably somewhat polarizing one for you today. I'll get

00:01:24.460 into that in just a minute, but I did want to ask you a favor. All right, guys, if you've ever got any

00:01:30.040 value from listening to the show, from engaging in the Facebook group, from connecting with me on

00:01:35.120 Instagram or Facebook or Twitter or wherever you are on social media, I would ask very humbly that you

00:01:40.940 share this show. There are millions and millions of men across the planet who need to hear the message

00:01:46.400 that we're sharing and specifically need to hear the message today, which is 20 tips, 20 ways that

00:01:53.620 you can win with your wife. So if you would share the show, leave us a rating review. We've got a

00:01:58.460 review contest going on right now. If you leave a review between now and the end of this month,

00:02:03.260 September, 2018, you will be entered into the drawing for shirts, hats, signed copies of my book,

00:02:09.480 sovereignty, one-on-one calls. We're doing some cool stuff. So share it, leave your rating review,

00:02:14.860 and that'll go a long way in helping gain some traction and visibility. We want to get this

00:02:19.540 thing up into the top 10 of all podcasts and I need your help to do it. So I appreciate your help

00:02:24.660 up to this point. Just make sure you share and leave those reviews. And then also speaking of

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00:03:28.120 and then use the promo code order at checkout. All right, guys, let's get into the show

00:03:33.860 today. What I had done, this was a couple of days ago. I had made a post in our Facebook

00:03:38.620 group, which you can find at facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. If you're

00:03:44.100 not already there, I had made a post because I got tired of seeing so many men complain

00:03:49.720 about their wife and my wife is doing this and she's not doing that. And my wife stepped

00:03:53.700 out on me. My wife doesn't appreciate me. And it seemed like more and more we were seeing

00:03:58.480 just an influx of complaints about marriage and relationships and their wives. And I get

00:04:05.280 it. I understand relationships are difficult. I've gone through my fair share of hardships

00:04:10.740 and heartaches within my relationship with my wife over the past 16 years or so. So I

00:04:15.740 get it. I understand. And everything that I'm going to share with you today, as much as

00:04:19.820 this is going to be maybe painful in a little bit of a ways, and certainly it's going to be

00:04:24.560 polarizing. I mean, there's going to be people who absolutely a hundred percent agree with

00:04:28.060 everything I share today. And there's going to be those who think I'm ruthless or I'm

00:04:32.280 heartless or I'm cold or a million other adjectives you could choose to describe me. But I've gone

00:04:39.560 through all of these. I've gone through all of these. I've dealt with all of these. And

00:04:43.300 so as I share my 20 tips or 20 strategies for winning with your wife, understand that this

00:04:49.400 comes from experience. And I've been able to salvage a devastated and a broken marriage

00:04:55.000 between her and I, uh, we went through a separation, uh, about 10 years ago and worked

00:04:59.600 through that. And we certainly have our challenges, but I've adopted these principles that I'm going

00:05:04.780 to share with you into my relationship with her. And I've been better served. She's been better

00:05:10.460 served. The kids, our four children have been better served. And I think if you adopt these into

00:05:15.680 your life, you will be better served as well. Look guys, the deal is, is that I believe the union

00:05:22.020 between a man and his wife is one of the most powerful unions, if not the most powerful union

00:05:27.720 that you could ever enter into in this life. There is just so much power that comes from having

00:05:34.920 a good, strong, virtuous, noble, independent, beautiful woman at your side. I don't think I

00:05:43.760 would have nearly the level of success that I enjoy today. If it weren't for all that my wife

00:05:50.020 added to the equation. And certainly it takes two of us. It takes her efforts and it takes my efforts.

00:05:56.780 But what I want you to be very cautious of is pinning it all on her. I think we have a tendency

00:06:03.640 to do that, to say that if she isn't acting this way, or she isn't doing this, or she isn't doing

00:06:08.560 the things a quote unquote good wife should do, then that's why our marriage is struggling. And that's

00:06:14.320 why we're seeing so many problems. And there might be some truth to it, guys. This is the challenge.

00:06:18.180 There might be some truth to that, but here is what I've learned in 14 years of marriage. My wife

00:06:23.500 and I have been together for 16 years. We've been married for 14. Here is what I've learned. You

00:06:28.980 cannot control her. You cannot change her. You can influence her, but you can't change her. She has

00:06:37.980 to decide to do that. So rather than focusing all your time and energy and attention on what she is

00:06:41.960 or what she isn't doing, that isn't to your liking, I would encourage you to focus more on

00:06:47.840 yourself. And that's what these 20 tips are all about. These 20 tips are about helping you become

00:06:54.400 the best version of the husband that you're capable of becoming and the best man. Frankly,

00:07:00.280 you do these things and you will become a better man, which will naturally translate into your life

00:07:05.000 with her, into the relationship with your kids, into your business, into your community, whatever

00:07:10.140 endeavor that you are currently embarked upon. All right. So let's, let's stop talking about that.

00:07:15.300 Let's just get right into these tips. All right. And I think there's 20. I didn't even count. I think

00:07:18.900 there's 20. I hope there's 20 because that's what we titled the name of the podcast. So we'll do what

00:07:23.760 we can here. All right. Number one, this is going to make people mad. It already has, but it's the

00:07:29.400 truth. Don't marry a crazy woman. Don't marry a crazy woman. Now I guys will say this all the time.

00:07:35.980 All women are crazy. No, that's not true. All women are unique and challenging and difficult at

00:07:42.900 times, but guess what? So are men. We're all different. And probably part of the reason that

00:07:47.620 we're attracted to the opposite sex is because we don't quite understand them. And they bring

00:07:52.160 something different to the table that we can't bring ourselves. But I'm telling you, if you see red flags,

00:07:57.200 you got to run, you've got to get out of that situation. If she exhibits any kind of behavior

00:08:04.720 where you know that it's a red flag and you know, there's something off, I promise you,

00:08:09.380 that's not going to change guys. It's only going to get worse. And if you decide to marry her in spite

00:08:15.800 of the red flags that you've seen, that's your fault. It's going to compound and it's going to get

00:08:20.700 worse. She's not going to change. There's no project that you can necessarily fix. And I realized

00:08:25.920 that she may be beautiful and you may love her and the sex may be good or whatever reason you're

00:08:31.200 telling yourself. But if there's red flags that you know are present, you see them, you've experienced

00:08:35.440 them, you've been through them, then give yourself a pat on the back, step away from that relationship

00:08:41.360 and realize you may have dodged a bullet. Now I know people aren't going to like that, but that's

00:08:45.440 reality. That's the truth. Do not marry a crazy woman. All right. Number one, number two,

00:08:50.600 once you are married, continue to date your wife. See, when we begin to date our wives or potential

00:08:58.600 wives at this point, girlfriends, we do everything that we can to win them over. We sacrifice and we

00:09:07.480 make promises and we continue to court her and we try to win her over, which is a good thing. You

00:09:11.700 should be doing those things. You should be trying to win her over. That's the objective. That's the

00:09:16.400 goal. But what happens is a lot of men become so complacent after they get married that they stop

00:09:20.580 dating their wife. They get busy and they get inundated with everything else they have going

00:09:24.560 on and they have work and they have this and they have that. And so the first thing to go is the

00:09:28.600 relationship, no date nights, no activities, no engagement, no trying to woo her or impress her or

00:09:36.580 do any of the things that we would normally do when we're trying to, uh, or when we're courting a woman

00:09:41.300 and obviously it becomes a problem. She needs your attention, your love, your affection, your,

00:09:46.880 your focus. And if you stop dating your wife after you're married and you slip into this default or

00:09:53.100 the status quo or cruise control, it's obvious that's going to create problems for yourself.

00:09:57.400 So that's number two, keep dating your wife. Number three, keep the spark alive by being

00:10:02.820 spontaneous with her. Look, we fall into ruts, guys. We fall into patterns. Work gets busy in school

00:10:08.640 and these activities and this activity and everything else that we have going on.

00:10:12.400 And if you can't be spontaneous and excited and, and, and create some level of excitement with her,

00:10:18.760 then yeah, it's going to be a problem. It's going to be a challenge. And you might hear a woman say,

00:10:24.860 there's no spark left. I just, I'm not attracted anymore. Well, the spark's gone because you haven't

00:10:31.260 taken the necessary steps to continue to create that spark. So be spontaneous, take her out on dates,

00:10:36.520 plan dates, go on little mini vacations, buy her flowers, do whatever you can to surprise her

00:10:41.560 in a positive way and watch that spark come back to life. But if you get so caught up in everything

00:10:49.280 else that's going on and you just feel like you're going through the motions and your relationship

00:10:53.340 feels more like you're living with your roommate instead of a soulmate, then that's a problem.

00:11:00.700 And that's your problem. You need to create some excitement, some spontaneity, some engagement in the

00:11:06.640 relationship. All right. So that's number three. Number four, guys, do not ditch your friends for your

00:11:11.100 wife. Don't ditch your friends for your wife. If you make her the center of your universe

00:11:18.720 and you never find any time for yourself and the guys, it's going to be a very real problem.

00:11:26.180 There's certain things that you just won't be able to talk about with your wife.

00:11:30.220 And maybe that's not the right term. Not that you won't be able to talk with her,

00:11:33.540 but that she won't fully understand or she won't fully appreciate because there's some unique things

00:11:39.080 that you go through. Just, just like there's some unique things that women go through and you need

00:11:43.100 other men in your life to hold you accountable, to be able to sound these ideas off of and bounce

00:11:47.120 ideas off of and share your insights and share your struggles and help the men in your circle.

00:11:51.780 If you've ditched your friends because you want to spend all your time, attention, and energy into her,

00:11:56.600 I understand. And I see where you're coming from. It's very tempting to do,

00:12:00.340 but you're going to wear her out. You're going to wear yourself out and you're not going to have

00:12:04.020 anywhere to turn when things get difficult in the relationship and even the best marriages and even the

00:12:08.480 best relationships get difficult at times. So do not ditch your friends for her. If you don't have

00:12:13.620 any friends, go out and find some, go out and make some, go do some activities, go where the guys are,

00:12:17.800 use meetup.com, do whatever you can, go to conferences, whatever you can to find men who you can invite

00:12:24.340 into your inner circle and then be part of that. Number five, and along the same lines is find a hobby

00:12:30.100 and an activity that she isn't part of. Again, it's very similar. So I won't get into too much detail on

00:12:34.960 this, but you've got to find something for you, whether that's working out or hiking or shooting

00:12:41.100 guns or archery or bowling or whatever painting. I mean, pick something, find an activity, find a

00:12:48.420 hobby, find something that you're engaged with woodworking. There's so many different things

00:12:52.840 that you could use here that she isn't part of. And I'm not talking about excluding her. And I'm not

00:12:57.400 even suggesting that you shouldn't have hobbies that you guys do together, but I'm saying there should

00:13:01.320 be at least a few things where there's a clear boundary in place that says, this one's mine.

00:13:06.420 This hobby is mine. This activity is mine. This one's for me. This uplifts me and it edifies me.

00:13:11.460 And then we can come back into the relationship and do things together. Number six, along the same

00:13:16.240 lines, encourage her to find a hobby that you're not part of. You don't need to be involved in

00:13:21.900 everything that she does. You don't need to know everything that she does. If she wants to go out

00:13:27.420 with her girlfriends, let her go out with her girlfriends. If she wants to engage in a hobby

00:13:32.060 or an activity within reason, of course, then don't put up an argument about that. Don't make

00:13:37.420 her feel bad or guilty about wanting to go take care of herself. She'll come back more engaged when

00:13:43.180 you don't throw a fit about her being involved in the things that she wants to be involved in.

00:13:48.260 Again, within reason, right? There has to be some mutual respect here, of course. And we'll talk a

00:13:52.760 little bit more about that here in a minute, but let her engage, let her go out with her

00:13:56.420 girlfriends, let her do what she wants to do. Let her find a hobby and activity and interest.

00:13:59.880 And it's not about permission from you. I'm not saying that, but what I'm saying is that

00:14:03.460 mentally and emotionally, don't, don't hold that over her head. Don't make her feel bad or guilty

00:14:10.260 for wanting to take care of herself. It's better when you take care of yourself and she takes care

00:14:15.500 of herself. You guys are better together. I think I'm on number seven. Now, number seven is don't get fat.

00:14:23.180 Guys, don't get fat. This happens in so many relationships. It happened in mine. Again,

00:14:28.840 I'm talking from experience. It happened in mine. I got fat. I put 10, 20, 30. And at one point I was

00:14:34.700 up to 50 pounds more than I weigh today. And there wasn't any excitement. There wasn't any energy.

00:14:41.020 It was very difficult for me to engage physically, mentally, and emotionally with her because I just

00:14:46.660 didn't have the capacity to do it. Don't let it happen. Keep your exercise regimen going.

00:14:53.800 Eat right, eat real food, drink lots of water, exercise, move your body, stay active,

00:14:58.960 encourage her to do the same thing. Don't get fat. Now guys get upset at times with me over this

00:15:04.240 because well, quite honestly, it's the guys that are overweight. Well, I can still be a good man.

00:15:08.360 No doubt. You can still be a good man and be overweight. I'm not saying that,

00:15:12.740 but what I am saying is you do not have, you do not have the full capacity that you could have

00:15:18.480 if you were lean and strong and healthy. So guys, if you've managed to let a few pounds

00:15:25.380 catch up to you around the midsection, I'd encourage you to get that taken care of.

00:15:31.860 You're going to have more energy, more enthusiasm, more engagement, more excitement,

00:15:36.000 and you're going to be more attractive, frankly. So keep yourself in shape. Number eight,

00:15:40.700 talk with her about real shit every day. All right. We get inundated with what the kids are

00:15:45.520 dealing with and how many diapers she needed to change. And, and, and the, the plumbing is broken

00:15:51.180 and the toilet is not working and all the other stuff that comes with a relationship and owning a

00:15:57.520 home and just life in general, but have deep, meaningful, significant conversations with her

00:16:03.220 schedule time to sit down if you need to, and talk about how she doing and what does she think

00:16:08.580 about the future? And what does she think about the cosmos and eternities? And what do you think

00:16:13.360 about it? And where do you guys want to go? And what's the vision that you have for yourself and

00:16:16.640 your family? These are the deep, significant conversations that foster a healthy relationship.

00:16:22.900 It's not this surface level bullshit that most of us talk about on a daily basis because a,

00:16:27.960 we don't know how to talk about something deeper and B, we don't have enough energy to do it.

00:16:31.760 Carve out time every day to have meaningful, engaged conversations and connect with her more than

00:16:40.060 just physically connect with her mentally, emotionally, intellectually have these types

00:16:46.080 of stimulating conversations that make you remember why it is you fell in love with her and

00:16:52.460 why she fell in love with you. Talk about real things every day. Number nine, guys, don't let your

00:17:00.260 kids get in the way of your relationship. I had somebody, when I posted this on Facebook

00:17:04.500 that said I was heartless because I said, don't let your kids get in the way of your relationship.

00:17:08.880 Guys, I'm not saying that you shouldn't take care of your kids. I don't know how anybody would

00:17:12.860 actually think or interpret what I just said as don't take care of your kids, but people do.

00:17:19.060 That's not what I'm suggesting. What I'm suggesting is that you carve out time yet again

00:17:23.440 for date night, for activities and interest with her, that there's boundaries between when the kids

00:17:31.040 can be engaged and when they can't, and when you're having an adult conversation and when kids

00:17:35.680 aren't to be having conversations and kick your kids out of the house and keep them engaged in sports

00:17:40.160 and activities, put them to bed on time. So you and your wife can actually have a conversation

00:17:45.040 without having little ears listening to everything that you're saying, create some healthy boundaries,

00:17:49.840 love and take care of and appreciate and engage your children, but also know the line so that you

00:17:55.180 can love and engage your wife the way she needs to be loved and engaged as well. Number 10, remind

00:18:01.440 her how important she is on a daily basis. And this doesn't mean just say, I love you, or I appreciate

00:18:06.700 you, or I care about you. And all those things are great, but it's not just that it's doing the things

00:18:12.020 that you said you would do. It's finding things around the house that you can help her with.

00:18:16.060 It's purchasing a bouquet of flowers when you're not actually in trouble.

00:18:20.140 It's doing all the little things that you used to do. Again, when you were courting her reminder,

00:18:25.000 how much she means to you, how much you care about her. This is behavioral psychology. If you want to

00:18:31.380 boil it down to that, what you encourage, you'll get more of. And if you encourage the fact that you

00:18:35.840 appreciate her and the things that she does around the house and the things that she does in the

00:18:39.640 relationship and the way that she makes you feel, guess what? She's going to do more of that.

00:18:44.020 But if you don't acknowledge that and you don't tell her how much you appreciate her and you don't

00:18:50.080 do things around the house and you don't surprise her when she needs to be surprised, she has no

00:18:55.160 incentive to keep doing the things that you want her to do. Encourage what you want to see in her.

00:19:00.640 And she will do more of that. Not because you're manipulating it, but because she wants to make you

00:19:05.240 happy because you make her happy. It's a symbiotic relationship. Number 11, have sex with

00:19:12.360 her often. I'm talking about romantic. I'm talking about wild. I'm talking about soft. I'm talking

00:19:17.740 about dirty. I'm talking about every way that you two can conjure up because it's been proven as if we

00:19:24.400 needed research on this topic, that being physically intimate with your spouse is going to forge a stronger

00:19:31.500 connection between you and her. And if you guys aren't having sex because you're tired, you can

00:19:36.860 refer to that last bullet point where I said, lose weight. If you guys aren't having sex because she's

00:19:42.340 not engaged, then engage her, be spontaneous, woo her, win her over. And I've got some more tips here

00:19:48.900 in a minute. Guys, it's critical that you be physically intimate with your wife. Now, not everybody's

00:19:54.220 the same. I'm not saying you guys have to have sex every single day for the rest of your marriage.

00:19:58.320 You're going to be different, but I can pretty much assure you that you want to have sex more often than you

00:20:04.260 currently are. And I would be willing to bet that she probably wants to have sex more than you currently

00:20:09.020 are. So find a way to make it happen. I don't care if you need to schedule it. Sometimes it's scheduled.

00:20:13.380 Sometimes it's spontaneous. Sometimes it's just spur of the moment. Sometimes it's just the right mood, but

00:20:19.000 make it work and do all these other tips so that you can have sex more often. That's a good thing. It's a

00:20:24.240 beautiful thing. We spend so much time shying away from that type of conversation. Then we wonder why

00:20:29.860 we're sexually dysfunctional because we're looking at pornography. We're beaten off because it's so

00:20:34.780 much easier than actually engaging our spouse in the way that she needs to be engaged. So go have sex

00:20:39.560 with your wife. Win that right. Win that opportunity by being the type of man that you are capable of

00:20:44.600 being. Number 12, and this ties into what I just said, be a winner in every way possible. Be a winner

00:20:50.000 with her. Be a winner with your income. Be a winner at work. Be a winner with your body. Be a

00:20:55.420 winner with your bank account. In every single way possible, you find a way to win. Women want to be

00:21:01.280 with winners. Women don't want to be with losers. And you might think that's unfair, unhealthy, or this

00:21:06.960 or that. And that's why society wants to change and make everybody feel special. But the bottom line

00:21:11.440 is you cannot reprogram tens, if not hundreds of thousands of years of biological programming that says

00:21:17.180 that women want to be with winners. And if you're a loser, you're less likely to be able to salvage

00:21:22.760 and maintain that marriage. Guys, I was a loser. I was a loser. I was pathetic. I wasn't winning my

00:21:27.700 business. I wasn't winning with my diet. I wasn't winning with her. I wasn't winning with my children.

00:21:32.640 And I was doing absolutely everything wrong. Is it any wonder that my marriage was falling apart?

00:21:38.680 You want to win with her? You win. This boosts testosterone, if you want to look at it from that level,

00:21:44.940 which engages you and makes you feel better. And guess what? Also makes you more attractive.

00:21:51.900 Find a way to win. Now, some guys will say, well, obviously I want to find a way to win. I don't

00:21:55.920 know how to do that. Well, guys, we've got 300 plus podcast episodes that talk about how you can win

00:22:01.160 in your life. So if you haven't listened to those, go back and listen to those. Number 13, don't complain

00:22:07.560 to her as often as you currently are. Look, you can have conversations. You can tell her about your day

00:22:13.780 and how you're off and how things are struggling. You can talk about those things. You should talk

00:22:16.980 about those things. But if all you're doing is whining and complaining and moaning and bitching

00:22:22.220 about it is and about that, and this and that to your wife, she's going to be turned off.

00:22:26.740 She's going to be turned off, which is why you need to find other friends who you can talk with

00:22:30.500 about this. Be solution oriented. That's what we are supposed to do as men. Recognize problems,

00:22:38.280 identify solutions, execute, and win. So stop complaining to her about how bad life is or how

00:22:46.820 hard it is, or your boss was mean to you at work. Find a way to win. Stop complaining about it. Come

00:22:53.240 up with a solution. Tell her what the answer is. Show her that you're actually going to do it and

00:22:58.920 she'll be significantly more attracted. Of course she will. She doesn't want to be married to a whiner,

00:23:03.020 to a complainer. Don't be that individual. Number 14, be strong and capable, not weak and

00:23:10.440 pathetic. When I'm talking about strong, I'm talking about physical strength, mental strength,

00:23:16.000 emotional strength, which is what I was talking about a second ago with the whining and the

00:23:19.240 complaining. It's about every level of strength that you could possibly think of. And it's also

00:23:24.320 about being capable. I'm talking about being capable just around the house. Do you know how to

00:23:29.140 fix basic plumbing and electrical? Can you change the tire on your car? If there's a problem that

00:23:32.980 she's dealing with, can you adapt? Can you coach her through that problem? Can you work through

00:23:37.800 that problems? Can you be creative in coming up with solutions? And if you can't, what good are

00:23:42.060 you having around? What's the point of having you around if you aren't worth having around?

00:23:47.320 So be strong, be capable. If you don't know how to do something, figure it out. Go buy a book,

00:23:51.460 go down to the library, check one out, go on Google. There's literally an infinite amount of

00:23:57.400 information and data and research available. So don't tell them you don't know how to do something.

00:24:01.760 Just go figure it out. And if you can't figure it out, hire somebody to do it. Come up with a

00:24:07.060 solution. One of my favorite proverbs, if you will, is I will find a way or make one.

00:24:13.120 I will find a way or make one. Be strong and capable, not weak and cowardly and pathetic.

00:24:19.480 And I realize we're all at different levels here, guys, but we can all improve in this area. Be strong

00:24:24.240 and capable, not weak and pathetic. Number 15, have a strong vision and articulate it to her.

00:24:31.040 Guys, you've got to have a vision for what you want and you've got to work with her on this. I know

00:24:36.200 so many men who don't have any vision. They don't know what they want. They don't think about the

00:24:41.540 future. They're so inundated with the information and the projects and the tasks at hand that they

00:24:45.260 never think about what they want to do moving forward. And women want to be led. They want leaders.

00:24:50.860 They want strong, efficient, effective leaders. And just about more than anything,

00:24:56.000 leaders know how to cast vision. They have a vision in the first place and they know how to

00:25:00.760 articulate the vision in a way that's significant to the party they're trying to work with.

00:25:04.580 In this case, your wife. If you're not forward thinking and you're not thinking about new ways

00:25:10.620 to improve or move towards that vision for yourself and for her and the family, then she's left to do it.

00:25:16.240 And she can, she's capable, but it's always more powerful when a man and woman do this together,

00:25:21.480 which means that you have to carve out time out of your day to have vision, to think about what you

00:25:26.540 want, and then to articulate that with her. And then along the same lines is make sure that you

00:25:32.760 include her in the decision-making process. And that's number 17, include her in the decision-making

00:25:38.140 process. There's going to be decisions that you as a man need to make on behalf of your family,

00:25:42.960 but those decisions, if they're going to impact her and they're going to impact your children,

00:25:48.540 should not be made alone. So if you're making decisions without her input and guidance and

00:25:53.420 direction and focus and questions and all the things that she brings to the table, you're doing

00:25:57.200 yourself and you're doing her a disservice. This is a union. She's not your slave. She's not your

00:26:02.840 subordinate. She's your equal partner. So treat her like that. Include her on the decision-making

00:26:08.060 process. When I have big things at work that I'm contemplating doing, I run and pass my wife.

00:26:13.180 Because I want her input. I value her input. When we're talking about how to raise kids and we're

00:26:17.320 talking about the business and we're talking about income and we're talking about the way we spend our

00:26:21.100 time, she's included in all of those decisions because it affects her. It impacts her. And I

00:26:25.960 want her to be included. So guys, include her in the decision-making process. Number 17, be a man of

00:26:32.080 your word. Be a man of your word and don't lie to her. Don't cheat on her. Don't short her. Don't lie to

00:26:39.260 her. When you say you're going to do something, whether it's taking out the trash or doing a

00:26:43.200 project or just your marital vows in general, don't lie. Be a man of your word. Be honorable.

00:26:50.100 Be a man of character and integrity. And if you mess up, fix it quickly so that you can go on and

00:26:56.440 you can continue to be the man of the word that you committed to being. I don't even need to go on

00:27:01.000 to that one very long. But I think this causes some real problems when we don't say,

00:27:05.960 or excuse me, when we don't do what we say we're going to do. And we lie to her and we cheat and we

00:27:11.300 steal. And frankly, we break her heart because we didn't do the things that we committed to doing.

00:27:16.940 Number 18, focus on your family as much as you do your business. Guys, it is so easy and so

00:27:22.860 tempting to focus all of your attention, your energy, your resources, and everything else that you can

00:27:27.120 into your business. It's easy to do that because it's easy to measure. I made more money. I got

00:27:31.700 this project done. We're paying off debt. It's easy to do that. It's a lot harder to focus on

00:27:37.120 your family because it's not as tangible. How do you measure being a good father? How do you measure

00:27:41.400 being a good husband? How do you measure those things? It's significantly more challenging, but if

00:27:46.700 you can learn to take all the skills and all the planning and everything else that you're doing at work

00:27:50.840 and do the same thing in your house, you're going to be a better leader in your home. You're going to be a

00:27:54.440 better father. You're going to be a better husband. You're going to be a better man in general. And so

00:27:58.820 find a way to focus on the family as much as you do the business. We hear guys, the self-help

00:28:04.780 motivational gurus, hustle and grind, hustle and grind, hustle and grind. Cool. Do that at home too.

00:28:10.240 Hustle and grind at home. Be the best coach. Be the best husband. Be the best date. Be the best man

00:28:15.000 that you can be at home as well as at work. Number 19, make her proud she chose to be with you.

00:28:20.600 Make her proud. How do you do that? By being a man worthy of being proud of some, some people like

00:28:26.380 to say that all it takes to be a man is a certain set of anatomy. Well, that isn't true. That certainly

00:28:32.640 makes you a male, but it doesn't make you a man. Your measure as a man is defined by your capacity

00:28:39.140 and the realization of that capacity. What are you doing to actually produce results?

00:28:44.220 If you're not producing results in your life and her life and your kid's life,

00:28:49.320 why should she keep you around? Why should she continue to be engaged that way? Of course she

00:28:54.460 shouldn't. So make yourself proud, make her proud, do the things that you can be proud of. Face those

00:29:00.080 challenging and demanding situations, face those trials and obstacles and hurdles, stand on your feet

00:29:05.180 when you're doing them and come out of them unscathed and better and stronger than you were before.

00:29:10.860 And she'll be proud of the man that you are. And she'll be glad she chose to be with you.

00:29:15.220 And the last one, guys, be a man, be a man. And when I say this, people say, well, what does that

00:29:20.800 mean? I don't know. Everybody defines what it means to be the man for themselves. Well, maybe,

00:29:24.880 but I also think there's some foundational principles and I've been talking about it for

00:29:28.040 almost four years now. Protect, provide, preside, be a protector, be a provider, preside over your

00:29:35.780 family, in love and commitment and discipline and structure and guidance and support and empathy in

00:29:42.000 all the ways that we know how to show up as men. Do that, be a man, protect, provide, preside.

00:29:48.900 And I thought I'd give you one more because I was, I was talking about these things. I was 20. As I was

00:29:52.780 talking about these things, I thought one more thing, do not make her the center of your universe.

00:29:58.300 Do not make her the center of your universe. I know this sounds counterintuitive. I know it's

00:30:05.180 very easy for us to become obsessed over certain things, especially in the marriage when it's going

00:30:09.900 wrong to make her or to want to make her the center of your universe. The problem with that is that you

00:30:14.900 can't again, control her. You cannot control what she does. And the more that you try to manipulate

00:30:21.200 and coerce and change and give her all the attention and never focus on anything else, the less

00:30:26.880 attractive you become because she doesn't need you. It's supply and demand. I mean, these are like

00:30:31.480 economic principles, but they also apply to love. If there's an oversupply, then the demand is not as

00:30:37.900 high. And I'm not saying neglect her. I'm not saying avoid her. I'm saying find a healthy balance

00:30:43.960 between providing for caring for being engaged with her. And then also taking care of yourself and the

00:30:50.100 less supply, for example, that you have, the more demand there is for you because you can stand on your

00:30:54.720 own two feet. You can provide your own energy to the relationship. This is not about succumbing to

00:30:59.940 her every wish and will and making it all about her and, and making her the goddess of your universe.

00:31:05.180 She should be important. One of, if not the most important thing in your life, but you shouldn't

00:31:10.280 neglect the other aspect and areas of your life for her. Figure out a way to go do those things.

00:31:16.720 Figure out a way to take care of yourself. Figure out a way to be strong. Figure out a way to

00:31:20.760 engage your mind and engage your body outside of the relationship. So you can come back into the

00:31:25.200 relationship, the man that you're capable of becoming. And when you do that, she'll recognize

00:31:30.680 that she'll see that. Now, guys, I realize even if you do all of these 20 or 21, I guess with a bonus,

00:31:36.140 even if you do all of these things, perfect, even if you execute flawlessly, I realize relationships

00:31:42.380 aren't always going to work out. They aren't always meant to be. And that's unfortunate, but that's

00:31:46.980 the reality. But I can guarantee you this, that if you do these steps and you implement every single

00:31:51.340 one of these in your life, every single day, you're working on these things that things will

00:31:54.680 work out, not necessarily things with her, but things your life will work out. The relationship

00:32:00.700 will get better. If it doesn't get better, maybe it's on her. Maybe if you do all of these things and

00:32:06.020 she still doesn't come around or the relationship isn't able to be worked through, maybe that's on her

00:32:11.280 and you can go out into the world and you can be the type of man that you're capable of becoming.

00:32:16.700 And somebody new will come into your life. Somebody who fulfills you in such a greater and deeper way.

00:32:23.660 And it may be hard to see that now, especially if you're struggling in your relationship. But if you

00:32:27.980 do these things and you work on yourself, you're going to see that happen. She will be attracted to

00:32:34.240 you. And if she's not, somebody else will be attracted to you. I promise. And that's what this is about.

00:32:38.220 This is about going out and serving yourself, taking care of yourself. And the natural default

00:32:43.920 to that is you become more attractive. So guys, I'll leave you there today. I hope that helps. I know

00:32:48.760 it sounds harsh. I know maybe some of you are thinking, man, this is really cold. Maybe it is.

00:32:53.460 Maybe it is. But I don't think there's anything cold or harsh or heartless about doing everything

00:32:58.420 within your power to fight for the union between you and the woman that you love. That's not heartless.

00:33:05.300 These are just simply strategies and tactics to make that relationship work. So guys, go out,

00:33:11.500 do these 20 steps, 21, I guess I should say. And I think you're going to be better served. I know

00:33:17.100 you're going to be better served because I have in my life. And these are the exact same strategies

00:33:21.440 that I've used in my life, in my relationship to produce the kind of marriage that I'm proud of,

00:33:26.760 that I'm happy with. And we always get better. And we continue to improve because each of us are

00:33:30.980 working on ourselves through the ways I shared with you today. So guys, go out there, salvage

00:33:36.080 those marriages, take care of yourself, implement these 20 steps, and become the man you are meant

00:33:41.820 to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your

00:33:46.700 life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - September 14, 2018

20 Tips to Winning With Your Wife ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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