Order of Man - May 13, 2022


4-Step Formula to Fix Your Fu＊k-Ups ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats


Length

22 minutes

Words per minute

176.06532

Word count

3,910

Sentence count

284

Harmful content

Misogyny

3

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Ryan talks about how to recover from screw-ups and how to get back on the path to becoming the man you want to be. He also talks about the importance of honor and how we can all learn to earn it back.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
00:00:27.640 I'm the host and founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. I want to welcome you here.
00:00:32.100 I want to welcome you back. I'm glad that you're tuning in. What I've got for you today is how to
00:00:37.940 fix your F-ups. It's something that's bound to happen. We're all going to screw up.
00:00:43.540 And what I've seen is I've seen men redeem and recover from these screw-ups. And I've seen men
00:00:48.780 absolutely crumble and live in a perpetual state of grief and guilt and despair and sorrow and
00:00:57.620 depression because they can't seem to get over the times in which they screw up.
00:01:02.620 So I'm going to give you four very key strategies to overcoming your F-ups. Before I do, just want
00:01:08.840 to mention that we've got a free course available right now called the Battle Ready Program.
00:01:14.540 When you sign up, it's a free course. You're going to get 17 emails over a course of 30 days,
00:01:20.220 and it's going to have very actionable advice that you can implement. It's going to work you through
00:01:25.880 my own planning tool that we've created over the past seven years of trial and error and having
00:01:31.740 thousands and thousands of men go through this planning process. And it's going to help you get
00:01:36.100 on the path, not only to redemption, but the path to excellence, the path that you want to travel,
00:01:42.020 making more money, losing weight, getting strong, getting in shape,
00:01:45.260 and ultimately becoming the man that you want to be. So if you go to orderofman.com
00:01:49.480 slash battle ready, you can check that out. Orderofman.com slash battle ready.
00:01:54.960 All right, guys. So I'm off the back of a great event that we had this past weekend called Man
00:02:00.780 Uncaged. I had quite a few of you who are listening come to the live event in Northern California,
00:02:06.980 and quite a few of you listened to the virtual conference. And I got a lot of great feedback,
00:02:11.740 but there was one moment in particular that I remember very, very vividly that's going to stick
00:02:16.940 with me. We did an open panel with myself and Bedros and Tanner Guzzi and Matt Boudreau and Jack
00:02:23.960 Donovan and Ray Care and John Lovell and Steven Mansfield. Might be forgetting one or two people
00:02:29.940 there. And we opened it up to the audience for questions. One of the men came up to ask a question
00:02:35.360 and you could tell when he stood up to the microphone, he looked bold and assertive and
00:02:42.060 self-assured. And we got up to that microphone, his shoulders kind of rounded and he closed himself
00:02:49.340 off and his body language and demeanor spoke something differently to me than what I had seen
00:02:56.820 from this man throughout the previous hours of the event. And he had said, and he didn't get into
00:03:03.460 specifics, but he had said, and I'm paraphrasing that he had screwed some things up in a relationship
00:03:08.860 with somebody that he had, and he's trying to overcome the guilt and the sorrow and the remorse,
00:03:14.820 but specifically he was trying to earn back his honor. Now there's a lot of definitions of the word
00:03:19.940 honor, but what he meant as he was talking and through some line of questioning that he was presented
00:03:25.260 with that honor is, uh, our, our respect or our credibility or influence with the people in our
00:03:34.780 circle. So it's very easy to lose your honor. If for example, you step out on your wife, uh, it's very
00:03:41.220 easy for you to learn, lose your honor in this context. If you make a commitment to your friends
00:03:47.000 and you don't, you fall short of that commitment. That would be an example of the type of honor
00:03:52.240 that you potentially sacrifice in, in the context of the way this gentleman was asking the question.
00:03:57.720 So I started thinking deeply and heavily, not only at the event, but afterwards about redeeming honor,
00:04:04.220 about fixing yourself, about fixing your F-ups and, and trying to get on this path of redemption.
00:04:10.000 And it's something that a lot of us have dealt with, whether that's, uh, falling short on an
00:04:15.420 obligation, whether it's not making the bills that you committed to doing, whether it's stepping out on
00:04:20.420 your wife, uh, or maybe cheating in some way or lying or stealing. There's so many opportunities to
00:04:28.440 lose ourselves and to lose our honor and credibility with other people. And then I've seen men who have
00:04:35.860 quite literally crumbled because they can't seem to get themselves back on the path.
00:04:41.560 So what I want to do right now is I want to share with you four key strategies, four very simple
00:04:47.280 strategies, not always easy, not always comfortable or convenient before simple strategies that you can
00:04:54.440 use that when you screw up and you will, just like I do, just like everybody does that you can use and
00:05:00.760 utilize to get your ass back on the path that you're meant to be. And it's a bit of a, a, a mnemonic
00:05:07.500 device. I would say it's, it's four A's. So that'll help us remember it. All right. So number one,
00:05:13.220 when you mess up, the very first thing that you need to do is you need to accept the fact that you
00:05:19.460 screwed up. Don't let your ego get in the way. Don't pretend like it doesn't exist. Don't bear your
00:05:26.460 head in the sand. Don't hope that nobody else acknowledged it or recognized it or saw it. Everybody
00:05:32.120 knows don't bury it. The very first thing that you have to do to get your ass back on the path,
00:05:39.340 when you screw up, whether it's stepping out on your wife or not following through on a commitment
00:05:44.540 or having other interpersonal communication or mess ups that you have with other friends or
00:05:48.540 families or colleagues or coworkers or whatever is to accept that you fell short, that you dropped the
00:05:56.160 ball, that you didn't meet your measure of a man. And that's hard to do. It's hard to do,
00:06:03.140 but it's crucial. It's a requirement. You cannot build a legacy of growth and progress and expansion
00:06:11.280 and success on the sand, on a faulty foundation. And if you're lying to yourself about how you show
00:06:19.620 up and how you perform and what you may or may not have done to other people, then you're never
00:06:23.780 going to have any measure of success beyond that moving forward. Accept it in your heart, in your mind,
00:06:30.200 in your soul and everything about it. And that could be the most painful part of the process
00:06:35.820 because you see yourself as a certain kind of man who doesn't screw up, who doesn't mess up,
00:06:42.280 who gets everything right, who's intelligent and kind and strong and hardworking and all of these other
00:06:49.060 virtues that you strive to hold in your life. And then you have to actually acknowledge that you
00:06:54.560 fell short of that. That's the most important thing is that you admit it to yourself. You admit
00:07:01.540 it to other people. You embrace that you messed up and also admit and embrace that you can move forward
00:07:08.780 and grow from there. Number two is you have to apologize. You have to apologize. You actually have
00:07:16.060 to open your mouth and use the words, I am sorry. Not, I apologize. Not, Hey, I didn't mean to do this.
00:07:26.080 And I don't know. Those are excuses. Those are no, I am sorry. And you don't need to do this to the
00:07:33.860 masses. Okay. I will never advocate for apologizing to the mob because more than likely the mob really
00:07:39.520 isn't offended or upset or negatively impacted by your words or decisions, but there are certain people
00:07:45.680 who are. If you step out on your wife, she's impacted by that. If you tell little Timmy, you're going to go
00:07:51.960 to the baseball game and you don't show up. He is emotionally impacted by that. If for example, I told
00:07:59.380 little Timmy or little Sally, I was going to go to his baseball game or her softball game or her dance
00:08:04.460 recital. And I didn't show up. I don't need to apologize to everybody. I need to apologize to
00:08:09.380 little Timmy. I need to apologize to little Sally. Hey daughter, I told you I was going to come to your
00:08:15.920 dance recital and I got so consumed with work. You're not making excuses. I got so consumed with
00:08:21.540 work and I didn't make it. And I know how that affects you. And I know that you think I don't
00:08:27.420 love you or that I love you less, or I don't care about what's important to you. And that isn't true.
00:08:32.820 And I want you to know that I am sorry. You have to apologize. That is the part that is part of the
00:08:44.320 humility process. You have to go through that humbling experience. So first we have, you have
00:08:50.220 to admit it. I think I said, accept, but I really, the first one is to admit you have to admit it that
00:08:56.280 you fouled up to, you have to apologize specifically and individually to the people who were negatively
00:09:05.640 impacted by your wrongdoing. Next is you have to actually adjust your behavior. Okay. So if I don't
00:09:16.200 show up to little Sally's dance recital and I admit that I messed up and I apologize to her for screwing
00:09:22.680 up and then I missed the next one and the next one and the next one and the next one. And I don't
00:09:29.040 make it to any of them. Was I really sorry? Was I really admitting that I had some sort of wrongdoing?
00:09:37.860 Well, no, I was trying to save face. I was gaming the system, but at the end of the day, I really
00:09:43.660 didn't care because if I cared, then I would adjust the behavior. You know, at some point you have these
00:09:50.000 people who just continue to apologize in your life. And you just want to say, shut up, stop
00:09:54.480 apologizing to me and just fix your behavior. Adjust guys, pivot, grow, evolve, get better lip service
00:10:05.160 of like, I am sorry. That's easy to pay lip service to actually changing the behavior is infinitely harder,
00:10:11.220 but also infinitely more telling as to whether or not you really care about your indiscretion.
00:10:16.080 If you step out on your wife and you admit it and you apologize, and yet you don't adjust the
00:10:23.720 behavior and the next opportunity that presents itself, you do the same damn thing. You think
00:10:27.280 you hold any weight with her? Not only are you not fixing the mistake, but you're undermining your own
00:10:33.300 word. You're undermining your own honor and integrity with her. And she sees that and she begins to lose
00:10:39.660 faith and trust in you. Is that what you want? Do you want your wife to question that every time
00:10:46.060 you go out with the buddies or every time you're late at work that she might think that you're
00:10:50.320 hanging around another woman? Do you want her to think that? Do you want her to think less of you? 0.72
00:10:54.700 It may not be true, but if you can't adjust your behavior, she has no way of knowing that.
00:11:00.660 And you're planting seeds of discontent. You're planting seeds of doubt. You're bringing in
00:11:06.700 contention and animosity into the relationship. And if you want a thriving relationship, then the third
00:11:13.080 point of this is you are going to have to adjust your behavior and you're going to have to sacrifice.
00:11:17.220 Let's take cheating, for example. It's nice to feel wanted. It's nice to get off. It feels really good.
00:11:24.140 It's nice to be with a beautiful woman who finds you attractive outside of even just your marriage.
00:11:29.340 That's nice. I can see the appeal with that. I get it. I understand it. Okay. But that isn't going to
00:11:36.520 bring you long lasting growth and success. That isn't ultimately what you said you want. That
00:11:42.680 isn't ultimately said that it isn't that what you said, the type of man that you're going to be.
00:11:50.820 So we have to let those things go. We have to push those things aside. We have to remove the
00:11:56.080 temptations and the distractions and, and, and the contention and the, and the lust and the,
00:12:01.640 and the desire to steal and be lazy. And what we have to do is we have to adjust our behavior based
00:12:08.140 on admitting that we did some wrongdoing, apologizing for that wrongdoing. And then third
00:12:14.000 is adjusting the behavior. Now, guys, the last point that I want to share with you can, can be
00:12:19.300 very, very challenging, very challenging. And this whole process is a challenge. It should be
00:12:24.560 challenging. If it was easy, then your indiscretions really wouldn't matter all that much. And it's going
00:12:30.580 to be easier depending on the level of indiscretion. You know, if I show up late for dinner one night
00:12:35.440 because I happen to be at an appointment or I failed to communicate that with my wife,
00:12:39.280 you know, that's something I still need to admit. It's something I need to apologize for.
00:12:42.780 I still need to adjust the behavior, but that's different than stepping out on my wife. Okay. 0.98
00:12:47.420 This is a, there's varying degrees of indiscretion or wrongdoing that we might impose upon somebody
00:12:52.180 else. But regardless, regardless, you have to, now that you've done these three steps,
00:12:58.960 steps, you have to accept the outcome. You have to accept the outcome.
00:13:08.580 Now, usually there's two parties or more involved in something like this. So let's take stepping out
00:13:13.840 on your wife. Let's say that you've admitted it to her. Let's say that you've apologized for your
00:13:21.840 wrongdoings. Let's say that you have begun to adjust the behavior and you put in systems and things in
00:13:28.780 place so that that won't happen again. There's nothing that you can do to control her. Nothing.
00:13:36.520 You can influence her. You can communicate with her. You can beg if you wanted to, which I wouldn't
00:13:45.760 recommend doing, but that's certainly something you could do. There's a lot of things that you can do,
00:13:50.140 but at the end of the day, you can't control her. And one thing I told this gentleman who was at
00:13:56.120 the man on caged event, who was talking about his screw-ups and he didn't get into specifics
00:14:00.820 is I said that your path to redemption cannot be predicated on whether or not the other party
00:14:11.520 accepts your apology and new behavior. Right? So if we go back to cheating on your wife, for example,
00:14:19.780 my path to redemption, my path to growth and improvement and even forgiveness for myself cannot be
00:14:30.580 predicated on whether or not she forgives me. Now, would I like that to happen? Of course. I hope that
00:14:36.760 she can forgive. I hope she can forget. I hope we can move past this. That's what I want, right? In
00:14:41.700 that situation. And yet you're only part of the equation. The other party actually has a vote in
00:14:48.500 the matter. And if I make my redemption contingent upon what somebody else does, I'm giving them all
00:14:57.400 of the power and authority and control to move my life forward. Because if it's contingent and hinged
00:15:04.580 upon whether or not somebody else accepts my apology and they don't, now I'm trapped. I'm mentally and
00:15:12.940 emotionally trapped. And I'm just waiting for the day, hopefully that will come, but may never where
00:15:22.120 they will accept my apology, but they might not do that. And that sucks. That sucks.
00:15:32.380 But it is what it is. So when guys mess up, a lot of times they'll ask me, how do I do this? How do I
00:15:40.520 move on? How do I move past this? You learn from it. You grow from it. You improve. You get better.
00:15:48.180 You learn to forgive yourself. Sometimes that's what's required is that you forgive yourself for
00:15:55.140 being a man, for screwing up. And we do. It's not excusable, but it is forgivable.
00:16:01.020 It's not excusable, but it is forgivable. Okay. You stepped out on your wife. You can forgive 0.75
00:16:08.980 yourself for that. You didn't show up to little Timmy's baseball game. You can forgive yourself
00:16:14.320 for that. You weren't the kind of dad that you wanted to be for your children. You can forgive
00:16:19.280 yourself. You did things that you didn't see yourself doing or didn't want to do. You threw people
00:16:25.480 under the bus and you lied and you cheated and you steal and did all these horrible things. 0.72
00:16:28.820 You can forgive yourself and you have to be able to do that. You have to be able to forgive yourself
00:16:35.280 or you'll never move on. You'll never improve and you'll never get better. And I hope that as you
00:16:41.440 have these mess ups, that you won't do anything so egregious that somebody isn't willing to forgive
00:16:45.840 you, but it's possible that could happen. And we can't force or manipulate or coerce or blackmail
00:16:52.240 people into compliance. They make their own choices. And so when I screw up, I follow this
00:17:01.760 system. I admit it. I apologize. I adjust my behavior and then I accept the consequences.
00:17:12.380 And the consequences of you stepping out on your wife, for example, is that she may want a divorce.
00:17:16.480 Now you don't have to take that lying down. I certainly wouldn't, but you do have to accept
00:17:22.100 the fact that she has a say in the matter. If you lie or cheat or steal at your employment,
00:17:26.740 you have to accept the fact that maybe you're going to lose your job and maybe it's going to be harder
00:17:31.780 for you to find another job moving forward. And by the way, acknowledging that there's consequences
00:17:36.120 to your poor behavior is actually a productive and healthy activity. Because if you actually acknowledge
00:17:42.300 that, Hey, if I do this, if I hook up with my secretary tonight, I might lose my wife. 0.99
00:17:50.620 I might lose access to my children. I might lose my job. I might lose my own honor. You better start
00:17:57.660 thinking about that stuff. Hey, if I'm tempted to steal because I have the opportunity to, or to rob my
00:18:03.820 client, for example, in some way, I could lose my job. I could lose face. I could lose my own integrity.
00:18:08.920 And I want to run that through before I make that poor decision. Guys, it's a very simple process.
00:18:19.060 It's not easy. It takes time, right? Like, man, depending on the nature of your transgression,
00:18:27.360 it could take some serious time to build up that honor with other people again.
00:18:31.120 Because you've, you, not anybody else, you are the one that messed it up. And it's not okay.
00:18:42.140 It isn't okay. We're not going to excuse it, but it is something that you can be redeemed for.
00:18:48.740 Okay. Now there's, there's another element to this, and that is our faith.
00:18:53.280 That is God. That is the fact that he has paid for our sins. And I don't really need to dive down
00:18:59.740 that rabbit hole today, but I would encourage you to consider that as well. Especially if you're in
00:19:04.300 the pit of despair, thinking that I screwed everything up and I messed everybody over and
00:19:09.280 there's consequences to what I do and all of that stuff might be true, but there is a path to redemption
00:19:13.480 through him. I'll let you guys explore that, but I want you to consider that as well. But for now,
00:19:19.460 suffice it to say that this is the process. Admit when you screw up, apologize to the part of your
00:19:25.840 person who has been wronged, adjust your behavior and then accept the outcome.
00:19:36.080 I'm a man. I screwed up. I accept that. And when you do that, you put a period on the end of the
00:19:42.320 sentence so that you can move on into a new life. I hope that helps you guys. I know a lot of you are
00:19:47.480 dealing with things that you're not proud of, that you didn't see yourself doing, that you're
00:19:53.640 wallowing in this grief and despair. And I understand, and I don't think that's entirely
00:19:57.840 wrong. I think there's some things that we should be guilty about, but I want to give you the path
00:20:03.080 forward. It's like you're in a dark tunnel and you can't see anything. And so you're walking and
00:20:08.140 you're walking and you're walking and it's just pitch black in front of you. And you're walking and
00:20:13.120 you're like, how do I get out of this? And then you take one step and all of a sudden you see a
00:20:17.260 little dot of light, just a little dot. And you think there's some light and you take another
00:20:22.380 step, but it's still dark and another step and it's still dark and another step. And it's a little
00:20:27.960 lighter in another step. And over the course of step after step, after step, after step,
00:20:33.920 things begin to illuminate. You look around and you see you're in a tunnel and you can see the features
00:20:39.200 and the shadows and the rocks and the bats that are in the cave. And you keep walking and that light
00:20:45.040 gets a little bigger and a little bigger and a little bigger. And then you can actually see
00:20:49.040 what's at the outside of that light. And you keep walking and you keep walking. And then at some
00:20:55.560 point you will emerge from that tunnel and the light will be there for you to see everything that's now
00:21:03.460 in front of you. But you have to go through the cave and you have to keep walking and you have to go
00:21:10.720 through the darkness. You're already there potentially. Just keep walking. Use this four
00:21:15.680 step formula. The light is there. You may not see it or it may be very faint, but it's there. Just keep
00:21:22.200 walking. Take yourself to that light. Again, admit it, apologize for it, adjust your behavior,
00:21:30.060 accept where you are and move forward. All right, guys, I hope that helps. Any other comments,
00:21:34.640 questions, concerns, feedback, et cetera. Let me know, connect with me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,
00:21:39.300 Twitter, YouTube, Gab, Truth. I don't know. There's a thousand other places. You can find
00:21:45.320 me at Ryan Mickler or send me an email. But make sure you subscribe, leave a rating review,
00:21:52.080 and also check out that battle ready program at orderofman.com slash battle ready. All right,
00:21:56.060 guys, that is the path to redemption. That is how you fix your F-ups. I hope it helps. We'll catch
00:22:01.440 you all soon. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your
00:22:06.580 life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.