4-Step Formula to Fix Your Fu＊k-Ups ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, Ryan talks about how to recover from screw-ups and how to get back on the path to becoming the man you want to be. He also talks about the importance of honor and how we can all learn to earn it back.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
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I'm the host and founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. I want to welcome you here.
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I want to welcome you back. I'm glad that you're tuning in. What I've got for you today is how to
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fix your F-ups. It's something that's bound to happen. We're all going to screw up.
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And what I've seen is I've seen men redeem and recover from these screw-ups. And I've seen men
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absolutely crumble and live in a perpetual state of grief and guilt and despair and sorrow and
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depression because they can't seem to get over the times in which they screw up.
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So I'm going to give you four very key strategies to overcoming your F-ups. Before I do, just want
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to mention that we've got a free course available right now called the Battle Ready Program.
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When you sign up, it's a free course. You're going to get 17 emails over a course of 30 days,
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and it's going to have very actionable advice that you can implement. It's going to work you through
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my own planning tool that we've created over the past seven years of trial and error and having
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thousands and thousands of men go through this planning process. And it's going to help you get
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on the path, not only to redemption, but the path to excellence, the path that you want to travel,
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making more money, losing weight, getting strong, getting in shape,
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and ultimately becoming the man that you want to be. So if you go to orderofman.com
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slash battle ready, you can check that out. Orderofman.com slash battle ready.
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All right, guys. So I'm off the back of a great event that we had this past weekend called Man
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Uncaged. I had quite a few of you who are listening come to the live event in Northern California,
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and quite a few of you listened to the virtual conference. And I got a lot of great feedback,
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but there was one moment in particular that I remember very, very vividly that's going to stick
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with me. We did an open panel with myself and Bedros and Tanner Guzzi and Matt Boudreau and Jack
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Donovan and Ray Care and John Lovell and Steven Mansfield. Might be forgetting one or two people
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there. And we opened it up to the audience for questions. One of the men came up to ask a question
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and you could tell when he stood up to the microphone, he looked bold and assertive and
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self-assured. And we got up to that microphone, his shoulders kind of rounded and he closed himself
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off and his body language and demeanor spoke something differently to me than what I had seen
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from this man throughout the previous hours of the event. And he had said, and he didn't get into
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specifics, but he had said, and I'm paraphrasing that he had screwed some things up in a relationship
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with somebody that he had, and he's trying to overcome the guilt and the sorrow and the remorse,
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but specifically he was trying to earn back his honor. Now there's a lot of definitions of the word
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honor, but what he meant as he was talking and through some line of questioning that he was presented
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with that honor is, uh, our, our respect or our credibility or influence with the people in our
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circle. So it's very easy to lose your honor. If for example, you step out on your wife, uh, it's very
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easy for you to learn, lose your honor in this context. If you make a commitment to your friends
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and you don't, you fall short of that commitment. That would be an example of the type of honor
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that you potentially sacrifice in, in the context of the way this gentleman was asking the question.
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So I started thinking deeply and heavily, not only at the event, but afterwards about redeeming honor,
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about fixing yourself, about fixing your F-ups and, and trying to get on this path of redemption.
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And it's something that a lot of us have dealt with, whether that's, uh, falling short on an
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obligation, whether it's not making the bills that you committed to doing, whether it's stepping out on
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your wife, uh, or maybe cheating in some way or lying or stealing. There's so many opportunities to
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lose ourselves and to lose our honor and credibility with other people. And then I've seen men who have
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quite literally crumbled because they can't seem to get themselves back on the path.
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So what I want to do right now is I want to share with you four key strategies, four very simple
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strategies, not always easy, not always comfortable or convenient before simple strategies that you can
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use that when you screw up and you will, just like I do, just like everybody does that you can use and
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utilize to get your ass back on the path that you're meant to be. And it's a bit of a, a, a mnemonic
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device. I would say it's, it's four A's. So that'll help us remember it. All right. So number one,
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when you mess up, the very first thing that you need to do is you need to accept the fact that you
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screwed up. Don't let your ego get in the way. Don't pretend like it doesn't exist. Don't bear your
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head in the sand. Don't hope that nobody else acknowledged it or recognized it or saw it. Everybody
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knows don't bury it. The very first thing that you have to do to get your ass back on the path,
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when you screw up, whether it's stepping out on your wife or not following through on a commitment
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or having other interpersonal communication or mess ups that you have with other friends or
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families or colleagues or coworkers or whatever is to accept that you fell short, that you dropped the
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ball, that you didn't meet your measure of a man. And that's hard to do. It's hard to do,
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but it's crucial. It's a requirement. You cannot build a legacy of growth and progress and expansion
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and success on the sand, on a faulty foundation. And if you're lying to yourself about how you show
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up and how you perform and what you may or may not have done to other people, then you're never
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going to have any measure of success beyond that moving forward. Accept it in your heart, in your mind,
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in your soul and everything about it. And that could be the most painful part of the process
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because you see yourself as a certain kind of man who doesn't screw up, who doesn't mess up,
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who gets everything right, who's intelligent and kind and strong and hardworking and all of these other
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virtues that you strive to hold in your life. And then you have to actually acknowledge that you
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fell short of that. That's the most important thing is that you admit it to yourself. You admit
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it to other people. You embrace that you messed up and also admit and embrace that you can move forward
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and grow from there. Number two is you have to apologize. You have to apologize. You actually have
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to open your mouth and use the words, I am sorry. Not, I apologize. Not, Hey, I didn't mean to do this.
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And I don't know. Those are excuses. Those are no, I am sorry. And you don't need to do this to the
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masses. Okay. I will never advocate for apologizing to the mob because more than likely the mob really
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isn't offended or upset or negatively impacted by your words or decisions, but there are certain people
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who are. If you step out on your wife, she's impacted by that. If you tell little Timmy, you're going to go
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to the baseball game and you don't show up. He is emotionally impacted by that. If for example, I told
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little Timmy or little Sally, I was going to go to his baseball game or her softball game or her dance
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recital. And I didn't show up. I don't need to apologize to everybody. I need to apologize to
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little Timmy. I need to apologize to little Sally. Hey daughter, I told you I was going to come to your
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dance recital and I got so consumed with work. You're not making excuses. I got so consumed with
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work and I didn't make it. And I know how that affects you. And I know that you think I don't
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love you or that I love you less, or I don't care about what's important to you. And that isn't true.
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And I want you to know that I am sorry. You have to apologize. That is the part that is part of the
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humility process. You have to go through that humbling experience. So first we have, you have
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to admit it. I think I said, accept, but I really, the first one is to admit you have to admit it that
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you fouled up to, you have to apologize specifically and individually to the people who were negatively
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impacted by your wrongdoing. Next is you have to actually adjust your behavior. Okay. So if I don't
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show up to little Sally's dance recital and I admit that I messed up and I apologize to her for screwing
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up and then I missed the next one and the next one and the next one and the next one. And I don't
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make it to any of them. Was I really sorry? Was I really admitting that I had some sort of wrongdoing?
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Well, no, I was trying to save face. I was gaming the system, but at the end of the day, I really
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didn't care because if I cared, then I would adjust the behavior. You know, at some point you have these
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people who just continue to apologize in your life. And you just want to say, shut up, stop
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apologizing to me and just fix your behavior. Adjust guys, pivot, grow, evolve, get better lip service
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of like, I am sorry. That's easy to pay lip service to actually changing the behavior is infinitely harder,
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but also infinitely more telling as to whether or not you really care about your indiscretion.
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If you step out on your wife and you admit it and you apologize, and yet you don't adjust the
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behavior and the next opportunity that presents itself, you do the same damn thing. You think
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you hold any weight with her? Not only are you not fixing the mistake, but you're undermining your own
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word. You're undermining your own honor and integrity with her. And she sees that and she begins to lose
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faith and trust in you. Is that what you want? Do you want your wife to question that every time
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you go out with the buddies or every time you're late at work that she might think that you're
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hanging around another woman? Do you want her to think that? Do you want her to think less of you?
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It may not be true, but if you can't adjust your behavior, she has no way of knowing that.
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And you're planting seeds of discontent. You're planting seeds of doubt. You're bringing in
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contention and animosity into the relationship. And if you want a thriving relationship, then the third
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point of this is you are going to have to adjust your behavior and you're going to have to sacrifice.
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Let's take cheating, for example. It's nice to feel wanted. It's nice to get off. It feels really good.
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It's nice to be with a beautiful woman who finds you attractive outside of even just your marriage.
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That's nice. I can see the appeal with that. I get it. I understand it. Okay. But that isn't going to
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bring you long lasting growth and success. That isn't ultimately what you said you want. That
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isn't ultimately said that it isn't that what you said, the type of man that you're going to be.
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So we have to let those things go. We have to push those things aside. We have to remove the
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temptations and the distractions and, and, and the contention and the, and the lust and the,
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and the desire to steal and be lazy. And what we have to do is we have to adjust our behavior based
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on admitting that we did some wrongdoing, apologizing for that wrongdoing. And then third
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is adjusting the behavior. Now, guys, the last point that I want to share with you can, can be
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very, very challenging, very challenging. And this whole process is a challenge. It should be
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challenging. If it was easy, then your indiscretions really wouldn't matter all that much. And it's going
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to be easier depending on the level of indiscretion. You know, if I show up late for dinner one night
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because I happen to be at an appointment or I failed to communicate that with my wife,
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you know, that's something I still need to admit. It's something I need to apologize for.
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I still need to adjust the behavior, but that's different than stepping out on my wife. Okay.
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This is a, there's varying degrees of indiscretion or wrongdoing that we might impose upon somebody
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else. But regardless, regardless, you have to, now that you've done these three steps,
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steps, you have to accept the outcome. You have to accept the outcome.
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Now, usually there's two parties or more involved in something like this. So let's take stepping out
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on your wife. Let's say that you've admitted it to her. Let's say that you've apologized for your
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wrongdoings. Let's say that you have begun to adjust the behavior and you put in systems and things in
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place so that that won't happen again. There's nothing that you can do to control her. Nothing.
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You can influence her. You can communicate with her. You can beg if you wanted to, which I wouldn't
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recommend doing, but that's certainly something you could do. There's a lot of things that you can do,
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but at the end of the day, you can't control her. And one thing I told this gentleman who was at
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the man on caged event, who was talking about his screw-ups and he didn't get into specifics
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is I said that your path to redemption cannot be predicated on whether or not the other party
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accepts your apology and new behavior. Right? So if we go back to cheating on your wife, for example,
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my path to redemption, my path to growth and improvement and even forgiveness for myself cannot be
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predicated on whether or not she forgives me. Now, would I like that to happen? Of course. I hope that
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she can forgive. I hope she can forget. I hope we can move past this. That's what I want, right? In
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that situation. And yet you're only part of the equation. The other party actually has a vote in
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the matter. And if I make my redemption contingent upon what somebody else does, I'm giving them all
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of the power and authority and control to move my life forward. Because if it's contingent and hinged
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upon whether or not somebody else accepts my apology and they don't, now I'm trapped. I'm mentally and
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emotionally trapped. And I'm just waiting for the day, hopefully that will come, but may never where
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they will accept my apology, but they might not do that. And that sucks. That sucks.
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But it is what it is. So when guys mess up, a lot of times they'll ask me, how do I do this? How do I
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move on? How do I move past this? You learn from it. You grow from it. You improve. You get better.
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You learn to forgive yourself. Sometimes that's what's required is that you forgive yourself for
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being a man, for screwing up. And we do. It's not excusable, but it is forgivable.
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It's not excusable, but it is forgivable. Okay. You stepped out on your wife. You can forgive
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yourself for that. You didn't show up to little Timmy's baseball game. You can forgive yourself
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for that. You weren't the kind of dad that you wanted to be for your children. You can forgive
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yourself. You did things that you didn't see yourself doing or didn't want to do. You threw people
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under the bus and you lied and you cheated and you steal and did all these horrible things.
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You can forgive yourself and you have to be able to do that. You have to be able to forgive yourself
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or you'll never move on. You'll never improve and you'll never get better. And I hope that as you
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have these mess ups, that you won't do anything so egregious that somebody isn't willing to forgive
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you, but it's possible that could happen. And we can't force or manipulate or coerce or blackmail
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people into compliance. They make their own choices. And so when I screw up, I follow this
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system. I admit it. I apologize. I adjust my behavior and then I accept the consequences.
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And the consequences of you stepping out on your wife, for example, is that she may want a divorce.
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Now you don't have to take that lying down. I certainly wouldn't, but you do have to accept
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the fact that she has a say in the matter. If you lie or cheat or steal at your employment,
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you have to accept the fact that maybe you're going to lose your job and maybe it's going to be harder
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for you to find another job moving forward. And by the way, acknowledging that there's consequences
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to your poor behavior is actually a productive and healthy activity. Because if you actually acknowledge
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that, Hey, if I do this, if I hook up with my secretary tonight, I might lose my wife.
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I might lose access to my children. I might lose my job. I might lose my own honor. You better start
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thinking about that stuff. Hey, if I'm tempted to steal because I have the opportunity to, or to rob my
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client, for example, in some way, I could lose my job. I could lose face. I could lose my own integrity.
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And I want to run that through before I make that poor decision. Guys, it's a very simple process.
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It's not easy. It takes time, right? Like, man, depending on the nature of your transgression,
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it could take some serious time to build up that honor with other people again.
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Because you've, you, not anybody else, you are the one that messed it up. And it's not okay.
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It isn't okay. We're not going to excuse it, but it is something that you can be redeemed for.
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Okay. Now there's, there's another element to this, and that is our faith.
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That is God. That is the fact that he has paid for our sins. And I don't really need to dive down
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that rabbit hole today, but I would encourage you to consider that as well. Especially if you're in
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the pit of despair, thinking that I screwed everything up and I messed everybody over and
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there's consequences to what I do and all of that stuff might be true, but there is a path to redemption
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through him. I'll let you guys explore that, but I want you to consider that as well. But for now,
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suffice it to say that this is the process. Admit when you screw up, apologize to the part of your
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person who has been wronged, adjust your behavior and then accept the outcome.
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I'm a man. I screwed up. I accept that. And when you do that, you put a period on the end of the
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sentence so that you can move on into a new life. I hope that helps you guys. I know a lot of you are
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dealing with things that you're not proud of, that you didn't see yourself doing, that you're
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wallowing in this grief and despair. And I understand, and I don't think that's entirely
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wrong. I think there's some things that we should be guilty about, but I want to give you the path
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forward. It's like you're in a dark tunnel and you can't see anything. And so you're walking and
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you're walking and you're walking and it's just pitch black in front of you. And you're walking and
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you're like, how do I get out of this? And then you take one step and all of a sudden you see a
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little dot of light, just a little dot. And you think there's some light and you take another
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step, but it's still dark and another step and it's still dark and another step. And it's a little
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lighter in another step. And over the course of step after step, after step, after step,
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things begin to illuminate. You look around and you see you're in a tunnel and you can see the features
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and the shadows and the rocks and the bats that are in the cave. And you keep walking and that light
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gets a little bigger and a little bigger and a little bigger. And then you can actually see
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what's at the outside of that light. And you keep walking and you keep walking. And then at some
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point you will emerge from that tunnel and the light will be there for you to see everything that's now
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in front of you. But you have to go through the cave and you have to keep walking and you have to go
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through the darkness. You're already there potentially. Just keep walking. Use this four
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step formula. The light is there. You may not see it or it may be very faint, but it's there. Just keep
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walking. Take yourself to that light. Again, admit it, apologize for it, adjust your behavior,
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accept where you are and move forward. All right, guys, I hope that helps. Any other comments,
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questions, concerns, feedback, et cetera. Let me know, connect with me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter,
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Twitter, YouTube, Gab, Truth. I don't know. There's a thousand other places. You can find
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me at Ryan Mickler or send me an email. But make sure you subscribe, leave a rating review,
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and also check out that battle ready program at orderofman.com slash battle ready. All right,
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guys, that is the path to redemption. That is how you fix your F-ups. I hope it helps. We'll catch
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you all soon. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your
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life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.