Order of Man - 5 Archetypes of Immature Masculinity ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 Five archetypes. Ask yourself if you have tendencies in any of these archetypes because

00:00:04.360 there are five traps. Five versions of a man that look different on the surface but share the same

00:00:09.780 root. Which one closely describes you? The reason I laid this out is to give you something to judge

00:00:16.380 yourself on not other men on. It's to give you a mirror. This is a mirror. Then you're going to be

00:00:21.580 ahead of the guys who aren't willing to look in the mirror. Most guys spend their whole lives in

00:00:25.180 this trap because they never named it and you are naming it today and this weekend.

00:00:30.000 Men, masculinity is not inherently good, but it's also not inherently bad.

00:00:36.100 This is something that I've talked about at length, and I've got a lot of guys who disagree

00:00:40.520 with me because they believe one camp or the other, that it's inherently good or that it's

00:00:44.840 inherently bad. Well, it's neither. I'm going to make that case for you today. Essentially,

00:00:50.160 the way that I view masculinity is as a force, like fire. It's useful, right? We would all agree

00:00:59.420 that fire is useful. It's necessary. And it's even powerful when it's directed towards positive

00:01:05.440 aims, but it can also be destructive when it's not. And that distinction really, really matters

00:01:11.860 because we as men have spent years in our current modern culture arguing about whether masculinity

00:01:20.200 itself is the problem. It's not. If you look at the definition of masculinity, it's simply

00:01:27.540 a set of characteristics that we as men possess due to our biological makeup. That's it. It's

00:01:37.720 hormonal. That's it. It's not the problem. The problem is what men do with their masculinity.

00:01:47.200 The problem is the patterns that men fall into when that force that could potentially be used

00:01:54.180 for good goes undirected or directed towards something evil or undisciplined, or like I said,

00:02:02.160 just misdirected entirely. And that's what this conversation is about today. It's the conversation

00:02:08.140 about masculinity versus manliness. And this is the distinction that I really hope men lock in

00:02:17.780 before we get into the archetypes I'm going to address, because it's going to reframe the way

00:02:23.980 that you look at everything. And I really want to change the narrative. I don't want to hear

00:02:30.580 somebody say anymore that masculinity is inherently good or that it's inherently bad.

00:02:35.560 It's just a set of characteristics determined by our biological makeup. It's not socially

00:02:42.800 constructed. It's biologically constructed. And manliness is supported societally because it

00:02:51.620 works and it really isn't until the relative ease of modernity that women and cowards have even been 0.95

00:03:02.440 able to call into question what manliness actually is because if you if you strip everything away 1.00

00:03:09.560 let's take away power let's take away internet let's take away modern creature comforts let's

00:03:16.180 take away air conditioning let's take away vehicles and combustion engines and put you into

00:03:22.900 a hostile environment where enemies are actively working against you or nature and god is working 0.96

00:03:29.240 against you in some way women and weaklings turn to manly men they do when it really hits the fan

00:03:40.060 nobody ever says where's the strongest woman in the room they don't do that what they do is they

00:03:46.540 look for the strongest man and that distinction is very very important because again what i said

00:03:54.840 is that masculinity is amoral it has no built-in ethics you know we've been on this planet as as

00:04:03.120 as homo sapiens for tens if not hundreds of thousands of years we can look at all sorts

00:04:10.380 of examples where we would say that behavior is masculine but it may not be manly and the

00:04:14.860 alternative is that that behavior is masculine and it's manly masculinity is the raw material

00:04:21.060 it's the drive it's the aggression it's the competitiveness it's the dominance

00:04:26.120 it's the territorialness the protectiveness the competitive fire that all of us inherently

00:04:33.020 possess inside of us. Every man has it to some degree. Again, it's biological. It's real.

00:04:39.660 And there's nothing necessarily wrong with it, but masculinity on its own doesn't make you a good

00:04:45.520 man. David Gilmour made this assertion in his book, Manhood in the Making, and Jack Donovan

00:04:52.180 actually talks quite a bit about it as well, that there's a difference between being a good man

00:04:59.700 and being good at being a man.

00:05:03.200 I want to be good at being a man

00:05:05.520 because it inherently possesses

00:05:08.060 an element of virtuousness or righteousness in it.

00:05:13.080 But just being a good man,

00:05:15.020 is that ever looked at as a compliment?

00:05:17.540 Oh, he's a good guy.

00:05:18.600 It sounds like a compliment, but it never is.

00:05:21.820 It's usually from the woman who dumped the guy.

00:05:24.480 Oh, you know, he's just a great guy,

00:05:26.520 but I still don't want to sleep with him.

00:05:29.700 Or it's the boss who's like, you know, he's just a really good guy, but he's not getting the promotion.

00:05:37.780 Or your kids or your friends or your colleagues or your co-workers think you're really nice.

00:05:43.000 You're such a nice guy.

00:05:46.140 But I don't respect you.

00:05:50.080 So being a good man is not enough.

00:05:53.560 You must be good at being a man.

00:05:55.660 the same way it's the same way that being physically strong doesn't just inherently

00:06:04.340 make you a great fighter it's just the capacity and manliness is different than masculinity

00:06:11.460 manliness is what happens when a man takes that

00:06:14.540 that raw masculine energy and he refines it through his character through his discipline

00:06:22.160 through through purpose it puts it into work in the service of something beyond himself his

00:06:29.220 family his colleagues his clients his co-workers his neighbors his community his country

00:06:33.780 manliness is masculinity plus virtuous direction it's masculinity with standards

00:06:44.520 masculinity that builds instead of just either dominates or takes away from the environment

00:06:52.160 manliness is something that projects instead of just controls it leads instead of just commands

00:06:59.820 and dictates the ancient greeks actually had a word for this it's called rsa and it's typically

00:07:06.560 translated as virtue or excellence but the original meaning of the word is closer to

00:07:13.160 it's hard in translation but it's it's it's more like

00:07:17.340 the the the full expression of a thing's highest function i mean that's a good good way to say it

00:07:29.660 the full expression of a thing's highest function

00:07:34.060 uh the arate for example of a knife is to cut cleanly

00:07:42.840 by the way, shameless plug, Montana Knife Company, go check them out because I just

00:07:48.740 ordered one of their new folding knives. Amazing. That's a tangent. But the arete of a knife is to

00:07:54.720 cut cleanly. The arete of a horse is to run with power and precision. You watch these horses and

00:08:05.380 you watch their muscles. It's incredible. The arete of a man, you, is to live and lead

00:08:12.360 at your highest possible capacity. That is what manliness is.

00:08:18.140 And every archetype we're going to cover today is a version of masculinity, not manliness,

00:08:24.520 masculinity without, devoid of manliness. Raw force without any sort of refinement.

00:08:32.360 the capacity that you have to do great things but you have low character

00:08:37.100 these are the guys who have energy but haven't done the work to direct it to channel it

00:08:42.860 it's like the spaghetti on the wall approach you just throw it at the wall and see what sticks

00:08:46.980 instead of being sniper like or even worse men who've just abandoned the energy altogether

00:08:55.720 and and we call it peace i don't want to rock the boat i don't i don't want to make people feel

00:09:01.660 uncomfortable that's feminine behavior guys and in and in women it's beautiful 1.00

00:09:07.120 women can keep the peace women can make things lovely women can make things enjoyable but they're

00:09:17.600 not confrontational dale dale partridge in my podcast i did it with him a couple of weeks ago 0.89

00:09:24.320 said that there's a difference between feminine behavior and effeminate behavior and the difference

00:09:31.180 is that feminine behavior is something lovely in women, but a feminine behavior is men acting like

00:09:38.360 women and it's repulsive. And you know, it is because you know, guys who are effeminate. 0.97

00:09:45.080 All right. So with all that said, let's talk about these five

00:09:50.540 immature archetypes of, of manliness. All right. Five traps. So let's name them. Number one

00:09:57.680 is what I call the man child. This is the one that I see quite often. And it might be the most 0.99

00:10:08.180 dangerous because it doesn't really look dangerous at all. This is the man who never fully grows up.

00:10:12.320 He's a likable guy. He's the fun guy at the cookout. He's quick with a joke,

00:10:17.480 but he's also slow to commitment, right? He's free spirited. He's fun. He's enjoyable. He's

00:10:24.240 lively. He just marches to the beat of his own drum. And so it sounds really cool. It might even

00:10:30.640 be the guy who's been talking about his business idea for the last six years. Maybe he's in his

00:10:35.680 thirties, maybe in his forties, and he's still living like accountability is optional. He's

00:10:43.520 never made a name for himself. He's never put any money in his bank account. He's never let anybody.

00:10:48.180 He might even still live with his parents. And if he doesn't, his apartment is a mess.

00:10:52.200 his finances are a complete disaster his longest relationship ended because she she wanted too

00:11:01.340 much and and i don't think the man child is is lazy necessarily he does work he's got hobbies

00:11:08.080 he shows up he's excited and energetic about life but only when it's convenient for him

00:11:13.580 only when it's fun only when it fits into his schedule but the moment that some factor requires

00:11:23.900 sacrifice like a friend needs to help needs help moving or patience for that promotion

00:11:28.900 or sustained effort for building a business he just disappears mentally maybe if not physically

00:11:36.080 carl young actually talks about this quite often um i i forgive me i'm gonna butcher this this is

00:11:44.600 in latin uh he calls it the puerre arturnus again i probably butchered that that's latin for eternal

00:11:52.840 youth i've done another podcast years and years ago called peter pan syndrome

00:11:57.340 um matthew mcconaughey did a movie on the same subject called failure to lunch

00:12:04.460 it's the man who refuses the weight the responsibility of being an adult he wants

00:12:11.140 all the freedom of boyhood with all the respect of manhood and he cannot understand why life and

00:12:19.860 his friends and his colleagues and his co-workers and his boss and his woman won't give him both

00:12:24.160 and here's what guys like this need to know and I really want you to evaluate and ask yourself if

00:12:31.240 this is you to some degree boyhood is a stage it's a season I've got three boys I've also got

00:12:38.780 a daughter I don't expect my sons to be men I expect them to act like boys with the exception

00:12:46.820 of potentially my oldest because he's always been very mature for his age and I have to remind

00:12:52.440 myself he's 18 now, but through the years I've had to remind myself he's eight, he's 10, he's 12,

00:12:59.220 he's 14, he's 16, he's 18. He's acting his age, which is hard because he acts mature most of the

00:13:05.140 time. But the point that I'm making is that boyhood is supposed to end. The Bible talks

00:13:12.200 about this often. Put away childish things. If you're a Christian, if you're a believer

00:13:18.920 and you're acting like a child then you're not acting in accordance with what the bible says 0.96

00:13:23.700 and i'm not here to tell you that i always do either i'm just telling you there's a discrepancy

00:13:27.480 between the way you're acting and the way god has asked you to show up now i know there might

00:13:33.000 be conflicting thoughts where people say well the bible also teaches us to be innocent like a child

00:13:37.740 it's not what i'm talking about innocent like a child means the hope and the wonder and the

00:13:45.900 curiosity and the positive thinking that children have that's what is being referred to when they

00:13:56.960 say the innocence of a child low judgment on other people but when we are commanded to put

00:14:04.800 away childish things that means that we're supposed to take responsibility that we're

00:14:12.580 supposed to take care of people, that we're supposed to produce more than we consume,

00:14:17.520 that not everything is a joke, that there is some weight to the decisions that we're making.

00:14:25.060 And that transition from boy to man, guys, it requires you, and I don't know what stage of

00:14:30.960 life you're in right now, but it requires you to pick up a burden that you did not carry before.

00:14:37.840 It's responsibility for others. This is why getting married and having kids turns boys into

00:14:42.380 for some. Some reject it, but some really decide to step up. It's also delayed gratification.

00:14:50.520 It's the willingness to do hard things that nobody's cheering for or applauding.

00:14:55.240 The man-child is always waiting for permission to grow up.

00:15:00.140 He's waiting for the right moment, the right circumstances, the right woman, the right

00:15:03.860 inspiration. But that moment never comes, guys. And you know that. I've never in my life been

00:15:10.140 100% inspired. I've never in my life met somebody that is 100% perfect. I've never in my life met

00:15:17.680 a situation where all of the signs were green and there was no hesitation. I've never had that.

00:15:24.960 I don't think you have either. You can correct me if I'm wrong. And the question that you have

00:15:30.000 to ask yourself is this, am I really building something or am I just kind of passing time?

00:15:35.240 Am I actually solving important problems to me or am I avoiding them?

00:15:45.080 Here's another one. Do the people in my life feel more secure because I'm in it or more uncertain?

00:15:52.540 They might be laughing and having fun and clapping, but are they more secure or more uncertain?

00:15:59.880 Men grow up on purpose. They don't grow up by accident.

00:16:03.060 all right number two i beat that one number two is the ghost this is the man who might be

00:16:11.840 physically present but he's emotionally and purposely absent and i call him the ghost on

00:16:17.140 purpose maybe he pays the bills uh he shows up at dinner by the way guys this is me for a long

00:16:24.280 period of time two three four years technically he's there at the game in the bedroom at the at

00:16:32.480 the in-laws holiday table but he's not really there he checked out years ago and and it's hard

00:16:39.320 sometimes to articulate when you checked out or for others to figure out when you checked out

00:16:44.400 you know this is you if your wife has learned not to bring things to you anymore

00:16:50.700 that your kids know not to ask for things the ghost has built this life around avoiding friction

00:16:59.560 don't ask too much of anyone don't demand too much from yourself keep the peace at all costs

00:17:06.620 fly under the radar he's in a way perfected the art of being invisible in his own domain

00:17:17.080 your house your business your office wherever you show up

00:17:19.740 i remember i was gonna say years ago but decades ago at this point i went to fort

00:17:28.220 Oklahoma for basic training I was an artilleryman in the uh in the army national guard

00:17:33.620 and I had the opportunity to train with my national guard unit when I was 17 and 18 years

00:17:40.600 old before I even went to basic training and I got this advice and it was so invaluable at the

00:17:44.880 time but applied broadly it's bad advice and the advice that I got to get through basic training

00:17:50.780 was to fly under the radar not to rock the boat not to be too good not to be too bad just kind 0.99

00:17:58.960 of stay with the average fly under the radar don't let anybody see you that's horrible fucking advice 0.99

00:18:04.840 guys horrible horrible advice a better way to say that would be to embrace the system right learn 0.99

00:18:15.240 the system be a good member of the program that's what the military is about it's not to find your

00:18:20.080 own individualism. It's to tap into the power of a collective good. But it's not to be average.

00:18:29.820 It's not to be cowardly.

00:18:34.700 It's like that. And I used to have this quote memorized, but our greatest fear is not that we

00:18:39.700 are weak. It's that we were powerful. Because most of the people in our lives, they push us down

00:18:48.780 or they pull us down when we get too ahead of our skis and you know what i'd rather be a little

00:18:54.860 ahead of my skis and crash than be sitting on my heels and still crash but not get anything done

00:19:01.880 the ghost he tells himself that it's strength i don't i don't make problems i don't rock the boat

00:19:12.520 and I'm easygoing. But your family doesn't experience that as strength. They experience

00:19:18.980 it as absence. Why is dad gone? Why is dad not at my game? Why does my husband not love me?

00:19:24.740 Why does he not care about me? What's wrong with him? Why is he not engaged? Is he okay? I'm

00:19:28.700 worried about him. If anybody in your life has ever told you that, you're exhibiting characteristics

00:19:34.500 of the ghost. You're now indifference. A man who couldn't bother to be lead. And here's what that

00:19:41.480 actually will cost you and it did for me in big ways your wife might not feel like she's safe

00:19:47.440 not not the danger kind of unsafe but deeper kind the kind where she doesn't really have a man that

00:19:56.600 she can lean on because he won't let her he's not going to be that pillar that beacon that stability

00:20:01.560 the strength for her maybe his sons grow up without a model for how to engage in this world

00:20:06.140 and they're always passive and weak and timid and cowardly and your daughters grow up assuming that

00:20:11.780 men are just furniture like you're there but you're not alive you're not a sentient 0.96

00:20:18.440 fixture of the household and it's probably a man who got burned at some point

00:20:25.000 you know he put himself out there maybe emotionally and he got burned maybe relationally

00:20:30.420 and she dumped him maybe professionally he got passed over and so it cost him and so he made

00:20:35.580 this decision probably unconsciously i'm not gonna let that happen again because if i don't engage i

00:20:43.000 can't lose if i don't engage i can't lose right if you never swing the bat you'll never get a fly

00:20:57.420 ball that's caught for an hour you'll never get thrown out at first base but you'll strike out

00:21:03.080 because you are losing every single day you're just not aware of it happening

00:21:09.160 and and what i want the ghost to know is there's a version of leadership that doesn't require

00:21:15.440 you to be loud or aggressive or dominant in every room i don't even think that's

00:21:20.700 manly necessarily it just requires you to be present engaged willing to be known willing

00:21:27.340 to care about something out loud that you can vocalize the men who matter most to the people

00:21:32.720 around them are the ones who show up fully not not perfectly but fully

00:21:38.520 stop hiding in the corners of your own life and just randomly making little appearances that

00:21:48.340 people don't even know are actually quite there or what to attribute it to all right number three

00:21:54.540 the third archetype is the tyrant now i want to address the one people assume i'm going to say is

00:22:03.120 the goal because it's not it's the tyrant and i'm gonna make a distinction this is the man who has

00:22:09.040 confused control with leadership he's dominant yeah sure he's decisive he can make decisions

00:22:15.240 he definitely takes charge but underneath all of that there's no vision no service no sacrifice no

00:22:23.000 care for the people that he's supposed to be leading. There's just ego. It's just fear and

00:22:31.380 it's masquerading as strength. The tyrant rules through intimidation. He keeps people small so

00:22:38.160 he can feel big. He makes his own decisions, not because he's the most informed or even capable,

00:22:45.620 but because admitting that he doesn't know feels like weakness.

00:22:49.360 he confuses the volume of his voice with the quality of his thinking he confuses

00:22:57.460 compliance from other people with respect from them

00:23:01.420 and the people around him they likely obey but they don't follow i've talked about it often

00:23:09.360 compliance versus commitment they comply because they have to not because they want to

00:23:15.840 but the moment that that person does not have to comply anymore they they jump ship they abandon

00:23:23.460 ship worse they create a mutiny and that tyrant never understands why and then he just pushes

00:23:29.940 harder and so it's this nasty cycle but here's the thing about genuine masculine and authority

00:23:35.220 it's earned guys it's competence it's consistency it's character it's not intimidation

00:23:41.460 it's not the man who has to demand respect from people he hasn't earned it from

00:23:47.760 it's not the man who threatens consequences to getting things done what he's actually doing is

00:23:56.400 not managing winning he's he's actually in a way managing resentment

00:24:04.600 and the tyrant is almost always a very insecure man who's wearing the mask of dominance he's he's

00:24:13.800 really terrified that if he shows any level of doubt or uncertainty if he admits that he made

00:24:20.060 an error or if he asks for input then he'll be exposed he'll be weakened he'll be diminished

00:24:25.380 so he doubles down he gets louder he gets more obnoxious he tightens his grip

00:24:29.860 but the strength that you and me are after doesn't require that it doesn't require

00:24:35.300 us to have all the answers it doesn't require perfection

00:24:38.800 it's you can be strong and say i don't know but i'll find out you can be strong

00:24:49.040 and say i was wrong and here's what i've learned from it

00:24:53.260 real strength guys can hold people to a standard and still treat others like they matter

00:24:59.780 you can be firm without being cruel you can lead without just stomping on people you can hold your

00:25:08.380 line without holding people hostage and making sure that they do it like they're your slave they're

00:25:12.480 not the goal guys is not to be feared is to be worthy of being followed that's what we're talking

00:25:17.340 about in the iron council is how do we take the people who are following us and turn them into

00:25:21.820 leaders and it doesn't come from intimidation or fear it comes from credibility and influence

00:25:26.780 and authority that they've given to you there's a massive massive difference between those two

00:25:32.120 things and every man in your life already knows who you are not just every man but your kids your

00:25:39.660 wife they know who you are are you a bully are you a tyrant are you a dictator or are you a leader 0.87

00:25:45.940 that they want to follow all right number four we got two more number four is the martyr this one 0.68

00:25:52.860 hits really close to a lot of men and you got to stay with me on this martyrdom sounds great

00:25:59.580 right when we look at um nathan hale or jesus christ is the greatest martyr and we look at we

00:26:09.020 look at those who have sacrificed for something meaningful we inherently attribute it to good and

00:26:14.540 it can be good if you're standing for something righteous but what most guys do is they'll act as

00:26:20.060 if they're they're martyr for unworthy causes it's the guy who's turned the sacrifices that

00:26:26.860 he's making into a weapon right you work hard really hard you give you carry all the weight

00:26:33.380 you show up but you keep score man man do you keep score you don't let anyone forget what you did

00:26:40.140 you're suffering how hard it was it's always on display you guys have heard of the humble brag

00:26:46.860 it's always on display the exhaustion that you feel is your scorecard this is why if you ask

00:26:53.800 a hundred guys on the street today hey how you doing busy busy busy i'm busy busy as if that's

00:26:59.860 the goal right your exhaustion is on display every sacrifice is logged and probably eventually

00:27:12.080 in an argument at the dinner table or in the bedroom a moment of resentment or in the boardroom

00:27:16.980 then you just cash in on it don't you after everything i've done

00:27:22.280 nobody appreciates what i do i gave up everything for fill in the blank guys that's not strength 0.98

00:27:31.900 that's crybaby bullshit this is a transaction that you're logging like a spreadsheet 0.97

00:27:38.900 and you're disguising it as devotion. 1.00

00:27:42.860 You figured out, if you're a martyr,

00:27:45.840 you figured out that suffering earns you something

00:27:49.600 because if it didn't, you wouldn't act that way.

00:27:52.560 Maybe it's sympathy, maybe it's control,

00:27:55.580 maybe it's manipulation, maybe it's moral authority,

00:27:57.900 maybe it's compliance like I talked about earlier.

00:28:01.040 Maybe it's even an escape from criticism.

00:28:03.620 Well, you know, I had such a hard life 0.99

00:28:06.080 and this is why I made that dumb decision. 0.90

00:28:08.240 oh okay well that makes sense and modern society will tell you it's okay it's not okay 0.98

00:28:12.700 because if you're always the one sacrificing always the one carrying the most

00:28:19.680 then you get to absolve yourself of accountability like i did my part i don't know what everybody

00:28:25.760 else i don't know i did what i was supposed to do you can't challenge the man who in a way is

00:28:32.800 already on his cross but the problem is you nailed yourself to the cross nobody puts you up there

00:28:38.080 you did it we actually covered this i think several weeks ago in a friday field notes called

00:28:45.820 i think it was something like men who make martyrdom their identity and the core of it

00:28:52.240 is this that the martyr uses his pain the same way other men use anger or money or control as

00:29:00.420 leverage it's a power move you're you're just trying to wrestle power and you're just wrapping

00:29:07.220 up as victimhood, which makes you sound virtuous. And I think it makes you sound weak.

00:29:12.900 And here's what makes, I think it particularly destructive. It poisons actual sacrifice. When

00:29:19.120 a man genuinely gives, genuinely carries something difficult without needing credit for it, that's

00:29:25.400 manliness. That's the difference between a genuine martyr and this faux martyrdom I'm talking about

00:29:31.760 right now there are martyrs i'm not saying it's wrong i actually think genuine martyrdom is

00:29:37.260 virtuous that a man who does something sacrifices something pays for something up front is willing

00:29:44.260 to take on justice for other people's mercy is virtuous but you know it's not virtue when you

00:29:53.040 need the recognition and accolades and that's arete like i was talking about martyrdom this

00:29:59.880 faux version of martyrdom it corrupts it right you turn you being genuine into guilt tripping

00:30:07.180 you turn endurance into some sort of emotional debt

00:30:11.520 they got that that guy the martyr his family doesn't feel grateful they feel trapped

00:30:17.680 because anytime they say anything it's like walking on freaking eggshells

00:30:22.700 because heaven forbid you know you took out the trash or you worked a little later than you had

00:30:28.520 to and you think you're some great noble martyr you're not you're just doing your work

00:30:34.120 my question is why are you keeping score

00:30:38.160 real men give because it's the right thing to do it's what makes them a man not because they're

00:30:44.820 building a case or an argument against their wife or their kids or their colleagues or co-workers

00:30:48.860 or boss just carry the weight put the scoreboard away stop keeping score just carry it like a man

00:30:56.940 all right guys the last archetype i want to talk with you about today is the jester

00:31:01.280 this one's a little hard to spot because from the outside

00:31:06.100 the jester looks like he's doing everything right and i'm talking about the court jester to be

00:31:13.380 specific okay think about what a court jester actually was he performed for kings for nobility 0.95

00:31:19.700 he danced and he joked and he entertained and he made a fool of himself

00:31:23.740 and the whole room loved him right they cheered for him applauded him and clapped and laughed

00:31:29.320 but nobody actually respects the jester like they might laugh at the jester but they all

00:31:35.080 want to be the king nobody followed the jester never nobody brought their problems or trusted 0.93

00:31:43.240 the jester with anything real his entire existence this is also the class clown

00:31:49.780 the entire existence was built around getting other people to cheer that's who this guy is

00:31:56.800 he might even have a following he might have a highlight reel the likes and the comments and

00:32:02.920 the rooms full of people clapping like little seals being entertained and he says all the right

00:32:07.740 things and all the right places at all the right times and he hits every social cue and he massages

00:32:14.880 his identity in real time to whatever he the room needs him to be his brand is dialed in he's got a

00:32:23.920 polished image he's got all the jokes scripted he knows the timing and underneath all of it there's

00:32:30.080 nothing this is why a lot of comedians and i'd have to look at this the data and the research

00:32:35.440 on this but a lot of comedians suffer with depression and mental mental illness because

00:32:43.700 it's their coping humor is their coping mechanism they they developed it so that people wouldn't

00:32:52.220 see through them the comedian or the gesture builds his entire identity on external validation

00:32:59.420 applause is your fuel

00:33:01.000 the approval of other people is your guiding compass so to speak and somewhere along the way

00:33:10.800 maybe you've stopped asking if any of it was real because the performance seems to be working

00:33:16.180 and it felt close enough to give you what you felt like you wanted this might be the man who

00:33:23.080 hits 40 and in a moment of quietness wonders if any of it was actually for him

00:33:27.840 the career that he chose because it looked impressive maybe he became an attorney or

00:33:32.900 a doctor or somebody else with some accolades and you thought well this is what i'm supposed to do

00:33:37.840 it's the persona that you've been running for 15 years because it earned you the nod and

00:33:44.900 approval of people's opinion you're not even really sure if you need or want

00:33:49.840 maybe it's even the relationship that felt just kind of bland and transactional

00:33:56.060 because they're always built on what you projected not the real you

00:34:00.000 so our terror called this bad faith i addressed this in a previous podcast

00:34:05.360 performing a role instead of actually living and being it it's really easy relatively speaking to

00:34:13.440 be the jester than it is to do the hard work of figuring out what you believe being willing to

00:34:19.840 say it being willing to have people criticize you or mock you or reject you

00:34:25.640 it's easier to do than figuring out what you actually want who you are when no one's watching

00:34:32.900 and nobody's clapping and nobody's telling you you're okay real men don't perform for the crowd

00:34:39.160 guys they're building something that matters now they take into consideration the people they love

00:34:44.900 and their opinions and their results but they do the right things whether they see anyone sees it

00:34:51.140 or not you got to stop playing to the room you got to start living for the right reasons

00:34:57.400 so let's bring this back let's wrap this all up five archetypes ask yourself if you have

00:35:04.040 tendencies in any of these archetypes because there are five traps five versions of a man that

00:35:08.720 look different on the surface but share the same root it's the common root is a man who has

00:35:17.200 somewhere along the way chose comfort chose avoidance chose performance over the actual

00:35:26.940 honest work of building something real it's the man child like i said earlier who never picked up

00:35:32.860 the weight of adulthood it's the ghost who just disappeared and hid in the shadows it's a tyrant

00:35:38.220 who wanted to control everything but never let any people voluntarily maybe it's the martyr

00:35:43.580 who made sacrifice leverage for his own gain and it's the last the gesture who performed for the

00:35:52.240 crowd instead of building something real. So here's what I want you to sit with this weekend.

00:35:57.540 I'm going to give you two things. Which one closely describes you?

00:36:04.580 Not your worst enemy, not your brother-in-law, not your dad, no, you.

00:36:09.540 The reason I laid this out is to give you something to judge yourself on, not other men on.

00:36:14.940 It's to give you a mirror. This is a mirror. And not all mirrors are as flattering as others.

00:36:20.220 this one's not going to be flattering

00:36:21.740 most guys spend their entire lives

00:36:26.980 avoiding looking in the real mirror

00:36:28.320 and the good news

00:36:29.520 and I really mean this

00:36:30.520 is that recognizing the pattern

00:36:32.080 is most of the work

00:36:33.140 if you know that

00:36:34.380 hey I fall into the martyrdom category

00:36:36.100 or I fall into the gesture category

00:36:38.040 then you're going to be ahead of the guys

00:36:41.340 who aren't willing to look in the mirror

00:36:42.520 most guys spend their whole lives in this trap

00:36:44.700 because they never named it

00:36:45.840 and you are naming it today and this weekend

00:36:47.660 now I want you to do something with it

00:36:49.260 And if you want to take this to the nth degree, then next week we're doing a preview call in the Iron Council where we're going to be talking about these archetypes and we're going to be talking about how to overcome them so we can actually live fulfilled, meaningful, rich, vibrant, significant lives.

00:37:07.100 That's what I want. That's what the guys in the Iron Council want. And I think, in fact, I'd be willing to bet that's what you'd want.

00:37:13.000 so join us at the iron council.com slash preview tuesday june 9th excuse me june

00:37:21.660 9th is it 9th yes june 9th at 8 p.m eastern tuesday june 9th 8 p.m eastern i'd love to see

00:37:28.800 you there all right guys i'm gonna let you go for today but again remember which archetype are you

00:37:36.780 do the self-assessment, take a look at the Iron Council preview, band with us there.

00:37:42.780 We'll be back next week for another great interview. Until then, go out there, take

00:37:46.140 action, avoid these archetypes of immature masculinity, and become a man you are meant to be.

00:37:52.220 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

00:37:56.800 and be more of the man you were meant to be? We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:38:06.780 You

Order of Man - June 05, 2026

5 Archetypes of Immature Masculinity ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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