Order of Man

00:00:00.000 You guys probably know what I'm talking about, the giving tree.

00:00:02.080 There was this boy who would climb the tree and make a swing on the tree

00:00:05.660 and carve his initials into the tree when he found a love.

00:00:08.600 And then later he said, hey, I need wood to build my house.

00:00:12.600 And eventually he chopped his tree down.

00:00:15.060 And the tree was so grateful to give everything that it possibly could

00:00:18.560 that it was no longer, it was nothing.

00:00:20.980 It was a stump in the ground.

00:00:23.700 And that little boy who ruined a man took advantage of the tree, his friend.

00:00:28.100 And the tree let him do it.

00:00:31.000 Are you a people pleaser?

00:00:32.780 Man, this is a hard one to figure out at times.

00:00:35.000 Our goal in life, as I've told you for the past 10 years,

00:00:37.580 is to protect, provide, and preside.

00:00:40.520 To serve people, to protect people, to be valuable in their lives.

00:00:47.260 And what I'm realizing is that there is a cost.

00:00:51.460 There is an extreme.

00:00:53.860 There's a place where you might get where you are so vested in serving other people,

00:00:59.640 helping other people, leading other people, taking care of other people,

00:01:03.300 that you might run into one of the most dangerous traps that I think we as men can fall into.

00:01:08.540 And that is becoming a people pleaser.

00:01:10.520 Now, I'm going to be very straightforward with you on this one.

00:01:13.420 I'm sharing this with you today because I've spent a lot of time, specifically over the past week,

00:01:19.800 thinking about in what ways am I a people pleaser.

00:01:24.100 And I've come to the conclusion, excuse me, that I am a people pleaser.

00:01:28.240 And it's weird.

00:01:31.480 It's weird because we tell ourselves that we're supposed to be strong and bold and independent and sovereign.

00:01:38.580 I mean, I literally wrote a book on sovereignty, which is the control over your feelings and emotions

00:01:43.500 and physical environment and how you show up in the world.

00:01:46.900 And I stand by what I wrote.

00:01:48.500 But I also see why I wrote that.

00:01:53.480 It was a message to myself.

00:01:57.420 And I've had experiences recently and I've had experiences throughout my entire life

00:02:01.920 where I've realized maybe the problem is not those external factors.

00:02:07.060 Maybe it's not the experiences that I've had or the people that I've been in relationships with,

00:02:11.680 but it's myself and realizing that I'm not real comfortable unless I'm making other people happy.

00:02:22.420 And the problem with that is that, number one, you can't do it.

00:02:26.760 It's just not possible for you to make people happy all the time.

00:02:31.240 And the other problem is that you lose yourself in doing that and you let go of yourself and you neglect yourself

00:02:37.400 and you don't take care of yourself and you end up frustrated and anxious

00:02:42.140 and maybe even have some resentment towards experiences or people in your life.

00:02:48.140 And the third part of this, in no particular order, is that we do things to sabotage ourselves,

00:02:56.320 maybe even subconsciously, where we might tell a lie to somebody,

00:03:04.660 not with malicious intent, but to save them from their feelings as if that's our place to do.

00:03:12.380 Or we manipulate a situation or a scenario so that we try to get the best of every possible outcome that we can

00:03:21.560 or spare people from the consequences of their own choices.

00:03:26.880 And I understand why we do it.

00:03:28.540 I'm intimately familiar with this.

00:03:30.200 The things I'm sharing with you today is just things that I've come across over the past week

00:03:33.520 and looking into this a little bit and figuring out more about myself.

00:03:38.100 But it is selfish.

00:03:41.040 It's selfish to assume that we can just make everybody else happy all the time.

00:03:48.460 And part of the reason that it's selfish is, well, it's a little bit, it's hard to quantify

00:03:55.800 because we say to ourselves, well, I'm just trying to serve other people.

00:03:58.420 I'm just trying to lead.

00:03:59.100 I'm just trying to help other people.

00:04:00.820 I'm trying to help people navigate their emotions or I'm trying to help people overcome this thing

00:04:04.660 or save them from the consequences of their bad choices.

00:04:07.140 And we tell ourselves as people pleasers that I'm doing this for noble intentions.

00:04:11.680 And we actually believe that.

00:04:13.780 We do believe that.

00:04:15.280 And maybe we are to a degree.

00:04:16.680 But it's also selfish because I think more often than not, what we do when we are trying

00:04:22.080 to rescue people from their own problems is not so much a concern of what they're dealing

00:04:27.120 with, but a concern of how we might have to confront our own shortcomings and inadequacies

00:04:32.120 and how we feel about it.

00:04:34.320 Like, I don't feel good when my kids have to struggle.

00:04:36.360 But can I honestly say that my intentions are to keep them out of struggle or is it to keep

00:04:43.800 myself feeling comfortable?

00:04:47.280 And I've had to confront this a lot.

00:04:48.840 So today I'm going to talk with you about five signs that you can help or that will identify

00:04:54.440 whether or not you may be a people pleaser.

00:04:56.480 And as I went through this and I did some research, there's a couple of books I want

00:05:01.300 to give credit to.

00:05:02.220 Number one is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover.

00:05:05.360 That is required reading.

00:05:07.040 I actually started listening to it again.

00:05:09.220 I've probably read it half a dozen times.

00:05:12.100 It's a great book.

00:05:13.360 And as I listened to it this time, even just within the first couple of chapters, I found

00:05:19.620 myself nodding my head.

00:05:21.000 Yep, yep, yep.

00:05:22.680 That's me.

00:05:23.600 Yes, I do that.

00:05:24.840 Yes, those are the consequences.

00:05:27.000 Yes, it's pretty wild.

00:05:29.520 No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover.

00:05:32.620 The other one is a book called Let Them by Mel Robbins.

00:05:36.560 Mel Robbins is not somebody I normally resonate with, but I was recommended the book.

00:05:41.120 And based on my own personal struggles, I thought, well, is there a way for me to figure

00:05:48.460 out, and I was doing some research on how to just let other people live their lives and

00:05:52.220 be who they're going to be and say what they're going to say and do what they're going to do

00:05:55.080 and absolve myself of the responsibility of managing that.

00:05:58.520 And I came across this book called Let Them by Mel Robbins.

00:06:02.480 And it's really, really powerful.

00:06:04.600 Again, not somebody I would normally resonate with, but it's a very good book, and I would

00:06:09.460 highly suggest that one as well.

00:06:10.680 So let's jump into these five signs, and then I'm also going to give you some things that

00:06:15.640 I'm learning.

00:06:17.100 Again, I'm not telling you what you should do because I have all the answers.

00:06:20.740 I'm telling you what I'm going to do, what I am working on personally.

00:06:24.660 And if it helps you, great.

00:06:26.780 I hope it does.

00:06:27.400 So number one, five signs that you're a people pleaser.

00:06:30.680 Number one, saying yes when you should say no.

00:06:34.860 I had a really interesting text conversation with a friend of mine, and he said, hey, Ryan,

00:06:41.560 I want you to listen to this podcast.

00:06:42.620 It's really good.

00:06:43.360 It's on the state of affairs in Canada.

00:06:46.680 And I think it would be good because you've had this person on the podcast, and it would

00:06:49.640 be valuable for you to listen to.

00:06:51.060 And he told me why he wanted to share it with me.

00:06:53.560 Normally, I would say yes.

00:06:55.460 I'd say, yeah, sure.

00:06:56.080 Send it over.

00:06:56.880 And what I would also do is I would say, I'll listen to it.

00:07:00.440 And honestly, I cannot tell you how many times people have said, let me send you this podcast

00:07:05.580 or this book or this thing or this resource or whatever.

00:07:09.120 And I'll tell them, yes, I'll listen to it with no intention of listening to it.

00:07:15.960 But I've made a commitment over the past, specifically over the past week to say, you know what, I'm

00:07:20.260 just going to be, I'm going to be brutally honest.

00:07:23.620 And if people are upset about it or they're bothered by it or whatever, that is not my problem.

00:07:30.260 Now, I'm going to do a tact.

00:07:31.120 I'm not going to be a jerk.

00:07:33.440 But I'm going to be honest.

00:07:34.820 And so this gentleman, a friend of mine, he sent me this message and he said, hey, will you listen

00:07:39.240 to this podcast? And because I'm focused on this, I said, no, I normally I would say yes

00:07:45.800 to that. And then I would never listen to it.

00:07:49.200 But I'm going to tell you, no, don't send it to me because I won't listen to it.

00:07:53.880 It's not that I don't value your opinion.

00:07:55.620 It's just that I'm trying to be honest in every single aspect of my life.

00:08:01.040 So thank you for thinking of me.

00:08:03.820 Thank you for that being important to you.

00:08:06.540 But no, I will not listen to that.

00:08:09.480 And that was really, really hard for guys who are not people pleasers.

00:08:12.900 You might say, what's the big deal?

00:08:14.000 But for guys who are people pleasers, you're like crawling in your skin right now.

00:08:17.720 You're thinking to yourself, I could never do that.

00:08:21.660 Well, you just have to force yourself to, because if you want to break the cycle of people pleasing,

00:08:26.720 then we as people pleasers need to do things that are not comfortable for us.

00:08:33.400 And so I told him, hey, I appreciate you thinking of me.

00:08:35.920 Not going to listen to that podcast probably.

00:08:38.300 So please don't send it to me.

00:08:40.980 And he was very gracious.

00:08:42.300 He's like, hey, you know what?

00:08:43.060 I respect that.

00:08:44.380 No hard feelings.

00:08:45.180 You know, we jump to these conclusions about, oh, people will hate us and they'll think less of us.

00:08:51.680 And very rarely, I think that will happen if we do it with tact.

00:08:55.940 So when are you saying yes when you should say no?

00:08:58.440 And what I would suggest in these moments is when you're tempted to say no,

00:09:02.120 that's probably a reason to say no.

00:09:04.980 As a people pleaser, what I would suggest is you don't need to respond immediately.

00:09:09.240 That's what I found myself doing.

00:09:10.600 When people would ask if I could help them move or if I could do this thing or do that thing or

00:09:14.840 help them with this charitable organization or help on one of my kids' sports teams,

00:09:21.320 I would immediately think I need to answer this person fast.

00:09:24.140 And my knee-jerk reaction was always yes because I want to be a man of value.

00:09:27.480 But I found that if I can just give myself a little bit of space by simply saying, hey,

00:09:33.520 when do you need to know by?

00:09:34.380 Or let me think about that.

00:09:37.060 Let me look at my calendar and get back with you.

00:09:39.760 The space that we create in those moments is the space that gives us an opportunity to really reflect

00:09:44.900 as to whether or not we should say yes or no.

00:09:49.760 As people pleasers, when we're on the spot, we will always say yes.

00:09:52.940 We just will.

00:09:53.640 We'll say yes.

00:09:55.260 Can you help me move this weekend?

00:09:56.380 Yes.

00:09:57.640 Can you help me coach because I'm not going to be there?

00:09:59.400 Yes.

00:10:00.640 Can you take care of this charitable organization?

00:10:04.760 Yes.

00:10:05.960 Can you come over to my house and take all my packages off the front door and put them

00:10:09.640 on the back?

00:10:10.020 Yes.

00:10:11.600 Can you jump on a phone call with me because I'm concerned or scared or worried and I

00:10:14.900 want to talk with you this afternoon at three?

00:10:16.960 Yes.

00:10:18.480 It's always immediate.

00:10:19.520 And then when I do it, I have regrets because I have my own things going on in my own life

00:10:24.280 and my own priorities.

00:10:25.180 Number two, you avoid conflict at all costs.

00:10:31.920 People pleasers like us are afraid of conflict.

00:10:35.360 And so we do some really horrible things.

00:10:40.500 Again, they're not meant to be malicious.

00:10:43.840 I don't set out to hurt people's feelings.

00:10:45.920 I don't set out to enact my revenge against people who I feel slighted by.

00:10:53.400 But we do horrible things.

00:10:56.020 We lie to people.

00:10:58.640 Maybe little white lies.

00:11:00.280 Maybe twist the truth or bend the truth.

00:11:02.300 Maybe errors of omission because we don't want to make it confrontational with that person.

00:11:08.880 We don't want to feel uncomfortable or awkward.

00:11:10.820 And so we lie or we manipulate or we deceive.

00:11:15.320 Again, not maliciously.

00:11:16.740 But we do that because we want to spare ourselves the hardship of confrontation.

00:11:24.540 And I'm getting into the psychology of all this.

00:11:26.860 I don't know it all.

00:11:27.800 I'm sure it comes from early childhood.

00:11:30.840 I'm not going to use trauma.

00:11:31.860 I think that's dramatic.

00:11:32.620 But early childhood experiences and beliefs and patterns and the way we processed information

00:11:39.080 and the stories that we told ourselves about the experiences that we had when we were younger.

00:11:42.900 But we don't want to do any conflict with anybody.

00:11:48.580 Nope.

00:11:49.060 Not interested.

00:11:50.080 Oh, you're upset.

00:11:51.120 Nope.

00:11:52.040 I'm going to tweak the story, change the story to make you feel better about yourself.

00:11:57.600 To what I think would help people feel better about themselves.

00:12:01.480 And that's not obviously a good way to go.

00:12:03.240 And so what I would say as an anecdote to this is that we need to embrace conflict that's going to inevitably come up.

00:12:10.900 When you say no, people are going to be unhappy.

00:12:12.980 That's okay.

00:12:16.440 I'm realizing that other people's problems or their perception of the problem or the baggages or the lens they're looking at it through, it's not mine to bear.

00:12:25.840 I say I'm learning.

00:12:27.000 I'm figuring this stuff out at 44 years old.

00:12:29.560 It's not mine to bear.

00:12:30.600 Now, I want to be respectful.

00:12:33.660 There's people that I care about.

00:12:36.320 And so I'll consider how I say things in a tactful way.

00:12:39.220 But if I'm lying to people or emitting information or manipulating a story or an experience in order to get them to think a certain way or believe a certain way or behave a certain way, there's no other explanation than you being manipulative towards other people that you love and care about.

00:12:57.480 And it's not that you don't love them.

00:13:00.740 It's that you don't maybe really fully believe that they will love you if they're not happy, right?

00:13:11.360 If somebody's unhappy, as people pleasers, you might begin to think, well, they're unhappy.

00:13:16.460 They're having a bad day.

00:13:19.000 They're having a hard time.

00:13:20.180 And so we take that as a reflection of ourselves.

00:13:22.720 And if I could just control and manipulate and tweak and coerce so that they're happy or satisfied or at least neutral, then that doesn't say anything bad about myself.

00:13:34.020 And that's where that selfishness comes in.

00:13:36.220 And I would also say, you know, I used to give this advice in the past where I would say, you know, say no to people or tell people what you're doing without explanation.

00:13:43.600 As a people pleaser or a nice guy, a little bit synonymous, I would say that sometimes it's okay to explain because it's really hard to go from saying yes to everybody to saying no most of the time without an explanation.

00:13:58.260 And if you can make that gradual transformation, like this guy I was telling you about who told me about the podcast he wanted me to listen to, I explained myself to him.

00:14:06.880 That was way easier explaining it than just saying no.

00:14:09.960 Now, there might come a point in time where I say, hey, you know what?

00:14:14.820 I appreciate you sending that over, but not really interested in that conversation.

00:14:18.160 But thanks for thinking of me without explanation.

00:14:21.480 But in this case, because I know my natural tendency, I explained it.

00:14:27.460 And I think that's okay because it allows people to give you a little bit of grace.

00:14:32.840 It moves you in the right direction of being honest, and it makes it easier to tell the truth.

00:14:37.160 So embrace that conflict and know that life isn't about being happy and content and satisfied at all times, but it's about being true to yourself, following your own directives and your own heart.

00:14:54.020 Sure, serving other people, but also making sure you take care of yourself.

00:14:58.900 Number three.

00:14:59.500 Again, these are five signs that you're a people pleaser.

00:15:02.980 Number three, that you feel responsible for other people's feelings.

00:15:07.520 You feel responsible for other people's feelings.

00:15:10.140 I alluded to this a minute ago, where if your son is having a bad day, you feel like it's your job to make him not have a bad day.

00:15:19.660 Or if your wife or significant other might not be happy with a certain scenario or, you know, maybe something that you did or didn't do, and they're upset that it's your responsibility.

00:15:36.700 Or it could have nothing to do with you.

00:15:38.260 It could just be that your significant other had a bad day at work.

00:15:41.300 Or they got into a little bit of road rage, or they had an issue with one of their family members, or one of their friends from high school committed suicide.

00:15:53.340 I mean, we have no idea.

00:15:55.440 We have zero idea of what's going on in their lives, unless we ask.

00:15:58.760 But what people pleasers, like myself, will do is we'll automatically make whatever people are experiencing in their own lives about us.

00:16:07.700 So your wife is having a bad day, and she's upset, and instead of being pleasant and having a conversation with you at dinner, and then maybe trying to be intimate, she's distant, and she's not interested in being intimate.

00:16:23.020 And then what we say, because I've done this, is what we say is, well, she just doesn't love me.

00:16:30.480 She just doesn't care.

00:16:31.580 She doesn't care about me.

00:16:33.940 She must be cheating, or seeing somebody else, or she's lying to me.

00:16:42.100 She's not telling me the truth.

00:16:43.940 It sounds crazy to people who aren't people pleasers, but I'm telling you, so many of you guys listening to this have had these thoughts.

00:16:51.520 I have had these thoughts.

00:16:53.020 You know, one of your kids is having a bad day, and they won't talk with you.

00:16:57.200 My daughter was being a little weird this morning, and I was like, what's wrong?

00:17:01.420 Well, like, are you okay?

00:17:02.480 Because she's being a little sassy this morning, and she said, I'm just tired.

00:17:07.480 And instead of saying, okay, well, you can be tired.

00:17:10.640 Doesn't give you an excuse to be rude to everybody, but you can certainly be tired.

00:17:14.120 I was like, well, she's mad.

00:17:16.480 Something's wrong.

00:17:18.560 There's something off.

00:17:19.480 I'm like, no, maybe she's actually just tired.

00:17:21.980 Like, that legitimately could be it.

00:17:25.860 Or your boss is agitated at work, and, you know, he comes a little hard at you about something.

00:17:32.420 And you're like, what the hell is this guy's problem?

00:17:35.580 Oh, no.

00:17:37.120 He doesn't believe in me anymore.

00:17:39.760 I've lost his trust.

00:17:42.320 Oh, shit, am I getting fired?

00:17:45.520 Is he going to take me off this project?

00:17:47.360 Again, it sounds crazy to people who don't think this way, but I'm telling you, there are millions and millions of men who do.

00:17:52.860 And they naturally jump to the worst-case conclusion.

00:17:55.500 And what it might be is that your boss just got news from his wife over the lunch break that their son just broke their arm at school.

00:18:05.140 Or that a family member was diagnosed with a form of cancer that's terminal.

00:18:11.320 Like, you have no idea what it is.

00:18:13.960 But we take it on ourselves because we tell ourselves, oh, it must be something wrong with me.

00:18:21.760 They're having a bad day because of me.

00:18:24.940 But I don't know if that's true.

00:18:27.580 Why would I jump to, it could be literally a thousand other things, an infinite number of things.

00:18:32.600 And yet we're so arrogant and so self-absorbed that we think, that has to do with me.

00:18:38.020 She's mad at me.

00:18:39.520 No, she's mad at her sister.

00:18:40.960 No, my son's mad at me.

00:18:42.640 No, he had a bad practice at lacrosse today.

00:18:46.280 Oh, my boss?

00:18:47.240 Yeah, he hates me.

00:18:49.400 No, he hates everybody else.

00:18:51.040 He just took it out on you.

00:18:52.500 It could be any explanation.

00:18:55.220 And so what I would say, as far as an anecdote to this, is just allowing people to be what they want to be.

00:19:05.820 If your daughter's mad or she's tired or whatever, fine.

00:19:10.580 Now, there's boundaries.

00:19:11.420 I'll talk about that in a minute.

00:19:12.980 Like, you can be tired, but you can't treat other people like garbage.

00:19:16.100 But if you're tired, that's fine.

00:19:17.560 Go back to bed or go in your room.

00:19:20.920 But that's your responsibility.

00:19:22.660 It's not mine.

00:19:23.880 If your boss is being a jerk and that's out of character, it's probably not about you.

00:19:29.400 Are you doing the right things?

00:19:30.660 Yes.

00:19:30.900 Okay, then it's not about you, even if you feel like it is.

00:19:35.040 Just let people be what they're going to be.

00:19:38.440 Let them experience what they're going to experience.

00:19:41.100 Allow them to feel what they're going to feel.

00:19:43.360 Embrace that.

00:19:46.320 If somebody tells you, I'm going to act this way or do this thing and it's at odds with what you want.

00:19:50.980 I mean, what are you going to do?

00:19:52.220 Control other people?

00:19:53.460 Manipulate them?

00:19:54.280 Coerce them?

00:19:54.920 Lie to them?

00:19:56.580 Badger them?

00:19:57.900 You're only going to make things worse.

00:19:59.560 I only know because I've done it a million times.

00:20:02.440 Just leave it alone.

00:20:04.560 Leave the door open.

00:20:07.260 You know, if your wife's mad about something and she's being short with you and you say,

00:20:10.960 hey, is everything okay?

00:20:11.820 And she's like, yeah, everything's fine.

00:20:13.760 Okay.

00:20:16.760 If you need to vent or if you need to explain anything to me or share anything with me,

00:20:21.140 I'm here for you.

00:20:21.860 And then never bring it up again.

00:20:25.620 Because that's hers to work through, not yours.

00:20:29.740 We are notorious white knights.

00:20:32.440 And I would say with that anecdote, allowing people to be what they want to be,

00:20:35.000 do what they want to do, say what they want to say is read that book, Let Them by Mel Robbins.

00:20:39.120 Number four, five signs you're a people pleaser.

00:20:42.380 Number four is you struggle with self-worth unless you're being praised or acknowledged.

00:20:49.000 So you did this amazing thing at work, but your boss didn't notice it.

00:20:52.040 And so you think, well, I'm just a pile of crap.

00:20:55.620 Or I'm not worth anything, or I'm not important to this company, or I'm not pulling my weight.

00:20:59.600 And then you have a bad day just because you didn't get praised.

00:21:06.020 I have this happen all the time in our organization where, you know, a man will do something great and wonderful,

00:21:11.060 and then I'll neglect to praise that individual publicly, not on purpose, just because I'm busy and it gets overlooked.

00:21:17.900 And, you know, they blow a gasket.

00:21:19.780 It's like, well, I should be acknowledged for that.

00:21:21.640 Really?

00:21:23.340 Should you?

00:21:24.700 Who says you should be acknowledged?

00:21:26.200 Is that why you did it?

00:21:27.080 But we as people pleasers do that.

00:21:32.480 Well, that person didn't respond the way I thought they would.

00:21:36.100 I said this thing, or I did this thing, and I showed up this way, and I was wonderful and great,

00:21:40.820 and they didn't give me what I wanted.

00:21:43.960 They didn't tell me how wonderful I was.

00:21:45.680 They didn't pat me on the back.

00:21:46.740 They didn't give me the attaboy.

00:21:47.820 They didn't give me your significant other didn't give you sex.

00:21:50.680 Your kids didn't, like, bow down and worship at your feet.

00:21:55.140 I crave this stuff.

00:21:57.700 A lot of you guys have read the book or listened to it, The Five Love Languages,

00:22:03.500 and words of affirmation are very important to me.

00:22:06.480 It's not bad, but if it comes at the expense of my own sanity and well-being

00:22:12.080 because people aren't behaving the way I think they should, then that is a problem.

00:22:16.740 I need to give people the opportunity to express themselves how they're going to express themselves

00:22:26.940 and also tie up my self-worth in the work that I'm doing purely for the sake of the work that I'm doing.

00:22:35.380 Do I do this podcast because people will praise me?

00:22:38.540 I don't.

00:22:40.660 I do this podcast because I know it will serve other men, and it serves me, too.

00:22:45.320 I'm talking about myself today.

00:22:48.000 This is just as much of service to me as it is to anybody else,

00:22:51.120 and whether or not people praised me, I don't really care.

00:22:55.880 I mean, it feels good to be praised or acknowledged or people tell me,

00:22:58.700 hey, I listened to that podcast and helped me this way.

00:23:00.940 Of course, that's icing on the cake.

00:23:03.240 I'll take that, and I'll accept that.

00:23:05.100 I'll embrace that sense of gratitude from other people, but I don't do it for the praise.

00:23:10.340 But there are other things that I do in life for praise.

00:23:12.660 You know, I might give a gift, for example, because I want something in return.

00:23:18.720 Maybe it's physical intimacy or, you know, maybe it's public acknowledgement that I gave this person this gift.

00:23:30.820 You know, I might – so I might give that gift.

00:23:33.820 I might compliment somebody, you know, not just because I'm complimenting them about the way they show up

00:23:42.940 or the way they look or the things they do, but because I want them to compliment me in return, right?

00:23:47.020 Like, okay, I compliment you, you say thank you, and then you compliment me.

00:23:51.060 Well, that's not a great motive for giving people compliments.

00:23:54.940 We should be able to validate ourselves to be able to find worth in intrinsic worth in who we are.

00:24:08.360 And if you can't find that, then that's a separate conversation.

00:24:11.540 But what I might say is that there's a few things missing.

00:24:14.680 There's no purpose – no purpose, excuse me, or no vision or there's no action towards that vision or there's a discrepancy.

00:24:29.180 So if you can't find worth in who you are intrinsically without the need for your wife to praise you,

00:24:38.640 your boss to give you a promotion, your friends to tell you how wonderful they are,

00:24:43.600 then maybe there's a discrepancy in what you're doing and how you're showing up.

00:24:48.880 And so the answer is spend some time thinking about two things, where you're good and acknowledge,

00:24:55.600 hey, I'm pretty good at this, and that's something to be proud of.

00:24:59.180 Are you proud of yourself?

00:25:00.460 Sometimes I am, certain things.

00:25:02.920 But am I proud of myself as an individual?

00:25:05.520 If I'm being honest with that answer, because that is my goal of this quarter is to be completely honest,

00:25:10.620 I'm not totally proud of myself.

00:25:14.160 Because I know my shortcomings, and I know my past mistakes, and I know the struggles that I've had.

00:25:21.780 Now, I'm working on shoring those up, but I fall short every day.

00:25:25.140 And when I fall short, I just, I put it on my shoulders, and I make it more heavy than maybe it ought to be,

00:25:33.280 that I did the best I could, that I tried, that I had good intentions.

00:25:36.960 But I very rarely show myself any level of grace as being just a human being,

00:25:41.560 where we mess up and fall short and struggle and toil, and it's hard.

00:25:46.440 But there are things that you've done that are wonderful.

00:25:51.380 But we don't think about those things.

00:25:52.820 We think about all the things that we did that were horrible.

00:25:55.360 All the mistakes, all the words, all the actions, all the things that we did or didn't do,

00:26:00.940 that we could have done better.

00:26:02.240 And that's okay to reflect, but when we latch onto it and make it our identity,

00:26:06.220 it becomes a problem very, very quick.

00:26:07.940 Like, spend some time reflecting on what you've done well over your life

00:26:14.380 and how you can duplicate it.

00:26:15.780 And then also spend time thinking about where you can do better.

00:26:21.760 You know, you lost your job, and you're distraught, and you're heartbroken,

00:26:26.320 and you're devastated, and you're worried, of course, and you're concerned.

00:26:29.880 But sometimes we never get to the point of thinking,

00:26:33.560 well, what could I have done better?

00:26:35.100 And then doing it.

00:26:36.080 Or you're in a relationship, and it falls apart as a result of you and your efforts

00:26:44.640 or lack thereof, and also her response and efforts.

00:26:48.620 You know, we've got to put that, you've got to be truthful about that as well.

00:26:51.360 And then we tie up our identity in it, and we say to ourselves,

00:26:57.120 well, I'm going to take it all on, even the things that don't belong to me.

00:27:00.460 And I'm a loser.

00:27:01.600 I'm a failure.

00:27:02.340 I will never get this right.

00:27:03.520 I will never find love again.

00:27:04.660 And I, we can reflect on what we need to do.

00:27:09.260 Okay, what were the lessons learned?

00:27:10.560 You need to be more honest.

00:27:12.220 You need to communicate better.

00:27:13.920 You need to set boundaries more effectively.

00:27:16.640 You need to uphold those boundaries more effectively.

00:27:18.900 There's all sorts of lessons that you can learn.

00:27:22.280 And when we learn these things and apply them, the sense of self-worth is developed.

00:27:26.540 The last point here, guys, and this one I definitely, definitely feel,

00:27:31.120 is that we feel burned out, resentful, and unseen.

00:27:37.880 Burned out, resentful, and unseen.

00:27:40.360 You're tired.

00:27:43.740 You're exhausted.

00:27:46.480 You're mad.

00:27:48.420 You're agitated about everything else and everybody else.

00:27:53.100 And woe is me.

00:27:54.280 And everybody else is the problem.

00:27:55.680 And the world is out to get me.

00:27:57.020 And it's, I'll never get ahead.

00:27:58.680 And like, this is the resentment that builds up.

00:28:00.620 And then unseen is that nobody cares about me.

00:28:04.180 Nobody values me.

00:28:07.300 Nobody loves me.

00:28:08.340 Everybody leaves.

00:28:09.440 That's one I've heard.

00:28:10.340 That's one I felt.

00:28:11.480 Everybody leaves.

00:28:12.500 Just a matter of time.

00:28:16.540 That's a sign that you're a people pleaser.

00:28:19.100 Because those things aren't necessarily true.

00:28:23.900 You don't need to be burned.

00:28:25.060 If you're burned out, it's because you're not getting what you need out of life.

00:28:28.460 You're putting your own well-being on the altar, on the chopping block.

00:28:34.680 Sacrificing it to everybody else.

00:28:38.340 You will bend over backwards.

00:28:40.840 You will do everything that you possibly can.

00:28:43.820 You will serve them.

00:28:45.700 You will sacrifice.

00:28:47.400 And then something happens that you're not comfortable with.

00:28:50.020 And you just think, see?

00:28:51.480 I gave everything to other people.

00:28:53.800 And I didn't get what I needed in return.

00:28:56.060 And it's exhausting.

00:28:58.200 Because you're putting too much weight on the way other people show up.

00:29:01.380 And you're not taking care of yourself.

00:29:05.980 Let me serve this person.

00:29:07.160 Let me take care of this client.

00:29:08.100 Let me serve my boss.

00:29:08.940 Let me do this for my wife.

00:29:10.940 Let me help my kids with this.

00:29:12.980 It's noble.

00:29:14.300 And that's part of the reason that we do it.

00:29:15.640 Because it is noble.

00:29:17.240 But it's also detrimental.

00:29:20.300 You're resentful.

00:29:22.260 You say things like, oh, people always leave.

00:29:24.180 Or why is that person an asshole?

00:29:25.660 I've done everything that I possibly can.

00:29:27.340 And why are they acting that way?

00:29:28.400 Or why doesn't my boss acknowledge me?

00:29:31.400 You know, I've bent over backwards for this company.

00:29:33.300 I've been here for 20 years.

00:29:34.560 I've invested fully.

00:29:35.780 I've poured in fully.

00:29:36.660 He doesn't acknowledge me.

00:29:37.320 He doesn't appreciate.

00:29:37.940 He doesn't recognize.

00:29:39.020 And now I just think he's a dick.

00:29:43.340 Or, hey, I've done so much for this company and organization.

00:29:47.520 Nobody appreciates it.

00:29:50.240 Nobody sees the work that I've done.

00:29:53.700 Nobody acknowledges how I've contributed to the company.

00:29:58.400 Or the relationship.

00:29:59.680 Or the business.

00:30:00.600 Or fill in the blank.

00:30:04.300 As if that's the reason you're doing it.

00:30:06.380 Now, it's nice, of course.

00:30:08.780 It's nice when people say, hey, Ryan, I recognize what you bring to the table.

00:30:13.180 And I just wanted to tell you I appreciate it.

00:30:14.860 Let that be a lesson.

00:30:15.800 When people bring something to the table, acknowledge them.

00:30:18.520 That's a separate conversation.

00:30:19.800 The conversation is now, is that the fuel you need?

00:30:22.660 Is that the fuel that I need?

00:30:28.140 For a woman in my life to say, hey, Ryan, you're awesome.

00:30:31.980 Because that's fleeting.

00:30:34.300 That's going to come and go.

00:30:35.660 Or my boss to say, hey, Ryan, you knocked it out of the park.

00:30:38.800 That's fleeting.

00:30:40.560 That's going to come and go.

00:30:41.620 Or for me to earn the award or get the public acknowledgement.

00:30:48.280 That stuff's fleeting.

00:30:51.700 What I found is more powerful is saying, hey, you know what?

00:30:55.420 I'm good because I know I did a job well done.

00:31:01.220 I don't need somebody to say, hey, Ryan, good job.

00:31:04.000 Because I know I did a good job.

00:31:05.120 Now, if they say good job, I'm going to say thank you.

00:31:08.460 I'm not going to say I know or blow it off because I'm going to be respectful.

00:31:12.100 But if somebody says, hey, Ryan, you know what?

00:31:13.920 Man, you knocked it out of the park on that project.

00:31:15.600 I'm going to say thank you very much.

00:31:17.240 That means a lot to me, especially coming from you because I really respect and admire you.

00:31:21.440 But inside, I don't need it.

00:31:25.280 I'm good.

00:31:26.560 I got it.

00:31:27.360 I know.

00:31:27.900 I know I did good.

00:31:29.780 But I'm not going to express that because I don't want to be arrogant either.

00:31:32.420 So the anecdote of this, guys, and how to fix this is, number one, stop giving everything.

00:31:40.000 Because if you give everything, then you have nothing left to give.

00:31:44.740 What's the story when we were kids that we read?

00:31:47.980 Is it the giving tree?

00:31:49.820 You guys probably know what I'm talking about, the giving tree.

00:31:51.980 There was this boy who would climb the tree and make a swing on the tree and carve his initials into the tree when he found a love.

00:31:58.780 And then later, he said, hey, I need wood to build my house.

00:32:02.940 And eventually, he chopped this tree down.

00:32:05.440 And the tree was so grateful to give everything that it possibly could that it was no longer.

00:32:09.940 It was nothing.

00:32:11.280 It was a stump in the ground.

00:32:14.740 And that little boy who grew into a man took advantage of the tree, his friend.

00:32:19.920 And the tree let him do it.

00:32:21.400 And now that tree cannot serve anybody else.

00:32:25.720 That's you.

00:32:27.240 You're the tree.

00:32:28.540 I'm the tree.

00:32:31.300 We let everybody else have everything they need.

00:32:36.380 But we don't take care of ourselves.

00:32:39.680 The better we take care of ourselves, not only can I serve that little boy or that woman or that business partner,

00:32:45.840 I can do it indefinitely forever.

00:32:47.840 However, help yourself, set boundaries, know what you want.

00:32:55.440 If people come to take advantage of you maliciously or otherwise, and it doesn't align with what you want, set the boundary.

00:33:01.700 No, I'm not going to do that.

00:33:04.180 Or if you need something out of a professional or platonic or personal relationship, you say, here's what I need.

00:33:10.340 And if that person can't or is unwilling to provide that for you, do we have the moral fortitude to say, then I'm not going to be in this relationship.

00:33:20.780 If I'm not being selfish, I want to give you what you need.

00:33:27.080 But if you can't give me what I need, then I can no longer be in this relationship.

00:33:32.300 People pleasers have a really hard time doing that because it's the relationship, again, personal, professional, or platonic that determines our worth.

00:33:41.300 So if I don't have friends, then I'm a loser.

00:33:43.740 If I bounce from job to job, then I'm a slacker.

00:33:52.020 If I can't maintain a relationship, then I am pathetic.

00:34:00.000 No, it might not be that.

00:34:01.380 It might just mean that you need to set boundaries and know what you're after and find people, professional, personal, and platonic, who are in alignment with what you want out of life.

00:34:11.040 And they're out there.

00:34:11.720 Of course they're out there.

00:34:12.540 Billions and billions of people on the planet, they're out there.

00:34:16.200 Trust me.

00:34:18.180 The more we start setting those expectations and communicating those expectations and then upholding them, the more likely it is we're going to find the professional, personal, and platonic relationships that we want.

00:34:32.960 So I hope this helps.

00:34:34.040 It helps me.

00:34:35.220 I've been thinking a lot about this, particularly over the last week.

00:34:37.780 And again, it's five signs you're a people pleaser.

00:34:39.600 Number one, you say yes when you should say no.

00:34:42.540 Number two, you avoid conflict at all costs.

00:34:45.260 Number three, you feel responsible for other people's feelings.

00:34:49.380 Number four, you struggle with self-worth unless praised or acknowledged.

00:34:55.740 And number five, you're burned out, resentful, and or feel unseen.

00:35:01.100 And I gave you the anecdotes for all of those.

00:35:03.980 Try it.

00:35:04.820 Try it out.

00:35:06.120 That's what I'm doing.

00:35:06.740 The biggest thing I'm doing right now for the next 90 days and probably longer, hopefully longer, is that I'm going to be ruthlessly honest.

00:35:13.760 I'm not going to be a dick.

00:35:14.700 I'm going to be tactful, but I'm going to be very honest.

00:35:18.720 If I don't want to do something, I'm going to say I don't want to do it.

00:35:21.480 If I can't do it, I'm going to say I can't do it.

00:35:24.460 If people are struggling, I'm going to serve them to the best of my ability but not give more than I can give.

00:35:29.640 I'm not going to take their emotions on as my own.

00:35:34.040 I'm going to let people work through their problems.

00:35:36.040 I'm going to set boundaries.

00:35:38.520 And I'm going to learn to not become a people pleaser.

00:35:42.760 There's tremendous benefit in this.

00:35:44.200 We didn't talk a lot about the benefits today.

00:35:45.920 We just talked about the challenges and what you should do.

00:35:48.100 Maybe in a future podcast, I'll talk about the benefits of becoming a non-people pleaser.

00:35:53.500 Because I think that will give us some more insight into why doing this is so crucial and so valuable.

00:36:00.540 But check out No More Mr. Nice Guy.

00:36:02.060 He's been on the podcast before.

00:36:03.840 Also check out Mel Robbins, the book Let Them.

00:36:07.080 I think those are two resources that will really help you.

00:36:10.160 All right, guys.

00:36:10.660 Like I said, I hope that helps.

00:36:11.820 I hope that serves you.

00:36:13.100 We will be back on Tuesday for an interview.

00:36:15.460 But until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:36:23.500 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

00:36:28.560 If you're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be,

00:36:32.580 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:36:35.740 You're welcome.

5 Signs You're a People-Pleaser ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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