5 Strategies for Killer Communication ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
If there's one skill that you can develop in your life that will drastically and radically improve the results of your life, it's your ability to communicate effectively with others. In this episode, Ryan talks about 5 key strategies for communicating effectively with other people.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
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I'm your host and founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Welcome here and welcome
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back. If you're listening, you won't really know what I'm talking about in the next 10 to 15 seconds
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here. But if you're watching on YouTube, youtube.com slash Order of Man, you can see that I finally got,
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I think for the most part, my camera worked out, still working through some of the fine tuning and
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refining and making it the way that we want to make it. But it looks like we're getting there.
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So please bear with me. I want to continue to make this a good experience for you.
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And part of that is experimenting with new technology that will help us reach more and
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more people. And on the topic of reaching more people, that's actually what I wanted to talk with
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you about today, because we're going to be talking about five key strategies for communicating
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effectively with other people. This is so important. Guys, if there's one skill that you can
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develop in your life that will drastically and radically improve the results of your life,
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it's your ability to communicate effectively with others. So I'm going to get into five key
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strategies to be able to do that. Before we get into it, just want to make a quick mention of my
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order order, O-R-D-E-R at checkout. All right, guys, let's talk about effective communication.
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As I said earlier, it's the single greatest strategy that I've used in my life to produce
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the results that I have. Whether that's on the home front, on the business front, the career front,
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the political front, wherever, you're always going to have to deal with other people. And if you can't
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learn how to effectively communicate with those individuals, then you're not nearly going to get the
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results from them and from the project and the task and then whatever it is you're working on
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that you could otherwise, if you learned how to communicate effectively. So I'm going to share
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my most powerful strategies for communicating effectively with other people. Again, this works
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on any front. Number one, you have to know what your objective is. If you don't know what your
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objective is, if you don't know what you're trying to accomplish, there's no conversation,
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there's no question that you could ask, there's no conversation you could have, there's no dialogue
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that can take place that's going to come out with any sort of meaning or significance.
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This is why I get so frustrated with small talk. Small talk, sure, maybe it serves its purpose.
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But if you're anything like me, you have way more important things to do than talk about the
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weather or the baseball or the football team or whatever it is people talk about. You want to talk
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about something more significant, more deeply than who hit the most home runs last year, which
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I have no idea. You guys, some of you guys might, but I have no idea. You want to get deeper than
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that. All right. You're concerned with your relationship with your wife. You're concerned
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with the relationship with your kids. You're concerned with making sure that you're picking up
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new clients, that you're asking for referrals, that you're communicating with your boss. If you're in
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the political realm, that you're reaching your constituents, if you're doing charitable work,
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or you're coaching a sports youth team, you want to be able to effectively reach and connect with
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those you're trying to serve. But the first thing you need to do is know exactly what you want to
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accomplish. Because guys, if you don't know what you want to accomplish, then anything that you say,
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any question that you can ask really isn't all that relevant in the grand scheme of things.
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So what exactly do you want? And when I say, what do you want? I'm talking about getting crystal clear,
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not, Hey, I want to be more successful. Not, I want to have a better relationship with my wife.
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Not, I want to connect with my kids. But if you're talking about the relationship with your wife,
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maybe it's, you want to be more intimate on a regular basis. Okay. That's your objective.
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That's the starting point. If it comes to playing or coaching youth sports, what's the objective?
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Is it to win? Maybe, but even deeper than that, it's to teach these young kids about life through
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baseball or football or basketball or wrestling, wrestling or powerlifting or whatever your thing
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is. That's your objective. If it's to serve your clients and work with those clients and have better
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communication with them, what is your objective? Is it to serve them more effectively? Early on in
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my financial planning practice, all throughout my financial planning practice, in fact, I wanted
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to serve my clients. I wanted to help them. I wanted them to become debt-free. I wanted to help them with
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their investment and retirement strategies, with their insurances, with their legal documents.
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And so my objective was to educate them in a way that would serve them most effectively.
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And if I know what that objective is, then I can more effectively communicate with them because I'm
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able to frame my discussion and the conversation, the questions I'm asking in that light, in that
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context. So number one, know specifically what your objective is. Number two, you need to seek to
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understand what their objective is because they're not always in alignment. If I'm speaking with my kids
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and I'm telling them to take out the trash because I want the house to be clean and I want all of us to
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have responsibility with the trash, my children's objective might be to do as little as they possibly can
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and to hurry and go watch that TV show or go play with their friends. I remember when I was little, you
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know, on Saturday, I'd ask my mom, hey, can I go play with Billy? And she says, yes, you can as soon as your
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chores are done. So her objective was to make sure the house was orderly and tidy and clean. And my
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objective was to go play with little Billy. Those objectives are somewhat at odds, but she could
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tailor her communication in a way that made sense to me, which is, hey, the sooner you get this done
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to the best of your ability, the sooner you can go play with little Billy. That made sense to me.
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And that's why we need to seek to understand. If you're only looking at your communication through
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the lens of what you want, you're missing a large part of the con, you're missing half the
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conversation, which is what does the other person want? What does your client need? You know, if you're
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in a financial planning practice and you want to sell a bunch of investments or mutual funds to a
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client, but they're really worried about making sure their insurances are taken care of, like why in the
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world would you talk about investments? Talk about insurance or vice versa. The point is, is that you
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really need to understand what people's objectives are, what their motives are, what it is they're
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trying to accomplish, how they receive information. There's also a lot of other things that come into
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play. Like, do you remind them of somebody? You know, if the way that you communicate is very
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similar to their parents and they hate their parents, you're going to have a hard time connecting
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with that person. So, you have to understand what it is that they're after, who they are as
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individuals. And it might seem counterintuitive because if you're like me, you've got a lack of
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patience. You want to get things done now, but I can assure you that the more you take a deep breath
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and you slow down and you start to think about who they are as individuals and how you might be able to
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serve them, it's much more efficient. It's much more effective than just trying to fit every square
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peg into a round hole. It's not going to work. And so, along these same lines, and this is point
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number three about number one, knowing your objective. Number two, seeking to understand
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is number three, is that you should always be asking questions. Questions are such a powerful thing,
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whether it's a client you're working with, your wife you're wanting to communicate with,
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your kids you're wanting to connect with, or anybody else. Asking positive, good, solid questions
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is an incredible way to build up rapport with other people and to figure out what they want and then to
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also enlist them to what it is you want. And contrary to popular belief, there are bad questions.
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You know, the popular belief is there's no bad questions only, or how does it go? It was no bad
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questions. There's no bad question. Well, there is a bad question, but better said, there's good
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questions, good questions. And that's what I want you to consider as you're working with other people
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is what are good questions to ask? Number one, here's another little framework for you. They're specific.
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If you want to work with a colleague or maybe an employer or an employee of yours, and you want to
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really know what makes them tick to see if you can find alignment between what they're after and what
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you are after, and you want to ask this person questions, you need to be specific. If it's broad,
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you're not going to get as good a response. So if you say to an employee, for example,
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hey, what do you want out of life? You're not giving that employee any direction and they don't
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know what you're looking for. A better question is, hey, what are you trying to accomplish by
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working here over the next six months? You can see the difference. What do you want to accomplish
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out of life versus what would you like to accomplish here while you're working with us over the next six
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months? That's more specific or even more specific. Hey, Steve, I put you on this assignment of client
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outreach, and I would like to ask you if we were to measure the results and the success of this project
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that I've tasked you with, how would you measure whether or not it was a success or a failure?
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That's even more specific than what you'd want to accomplish. The more specific you can get with
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your questions, the better off you're going to be and the better answers you're going to receive.
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Let me give you another example. If you were to go do a little experiment today and you said to the
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next 10 or 15 or 20 people you saw and you said, how are you? The overwhelming majority of them would
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say, I'm good, doing well, doing okay, or something like that. If on the other hand, you said, hey,
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Steve, good to talk with you. What's been the best part of your day so far?
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That's going to elicit a completely different response than good. Okay. I'm doing fine.
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And that's what you want in communication. It's a two-way street, right? You want them to participate
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in the discussion and you want to participate in the discussion. The next point about asking solid
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questions is making sure that these things are relevant. All right. So many times we ask questions
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and it's like, I don't care about that question. I don't care about the answer. If you ask me a question
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about who won the Superbowl, I don't, honestly, I don't even know. I don't even think I could tell
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you who won the Superbowl because it's not relevant to me. And I'm not saying you should
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or shouldn't think it's relevant. It's just not relevant to me. So if you're asking one of your
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employees something that has nothing to do with either themselves or their job performance,
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it's a wasted question. Make it relevant. Something that's crucial, something that's important,
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something that's on your client's mind or your employee's mind, and you're going to have a better
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time with those questions. Now, this is the third point with regards to asking good questions.
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And it's crucial, especially in today's society, because we don't do this too often. And that is
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to be honest with your questions. Honest with your questions. If you're asking me a rhetorical
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question, that's not an honest, you're not actually looking for the answer, right? So that's not an
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honest question. If you're asking me a question to be a smart ass, then that's not an honest question.
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If you're asking me a question to tee me up so that you can move into your next talking point about
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why all the things I say are wrong and why I'm a horrible human being, that is not an honest
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question. An honest question is one in which you are genuinely striving to understand the answer to
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said question. That's how you know whether or not it's being honest, is that you can understand the
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other party and you can begin to look at it and understand more about the way that you show up.
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So ask good questions. When I'm doing a podcast and the single greatest thing that has improved
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my ability to podcast effectively is to ask smart questions. If I say, how are you? Not a great
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question. If I say, how has the book launch been that you launched two days ago? That's even better.
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If I said, what's the favorite, if you had to pick your favorite chapter out of the new book that you
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wrote, what would it be? That's an even better question. It's specific. It's relevant to the
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discussion we're having. And it's honest. I genuinely want to know why. And then I'll typically follow up
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with a follow-up question to that one based on my level of interest and the level of interest that I
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think you guys would have as listeners of the podcast. So let's recap real quick, and then we'll
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move on to points four and five. Number one, know what your objective is. Number two, seek to understand
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as Stephen Covey would say, the other person. Number three, ask good questions, specific, relevant,
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and honest. Number four is to tailor your communication. So now you know what you want.
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You have some degree of understanding what the other person wants based on striving to understand
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them and asking good questions. And now you can tweak and you can adapt and you can adjust the way
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you're communicating with people. A lot of the times we'll hear, especially in this like man, self-help
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space of the zero F mentality. And I don't care what anybody else thinks. And if they don't like what I
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have to say, that's their fault. And it's on them. Bad attitude. And not only is it a bad attitude,
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Now there might be people you don't care about, or you don't care about their response to your
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inquiries. And that's different. But if you care about something, you need to tailor your
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communication to a way that they're going to understand. The way that I talk to my children
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is different than the way that I talk with my wife. The way I talk to my wife is different than
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the way I talk with you guys or members of the iron council. In fact, quite often my wife will say,
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are you talking to me or are you talking to your podcast listeners? Or she'll say,
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you shouldn't talk to me like you do with your guys. And she's a hundred percent, right?
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I'm not going to talk with my wife the same way I'm going to talk with you guys. I'm not going to
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talk with my five-year-old son, the same that I'm going to talk about or talk to my wife of nearly 20
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years now. You guys get it? Tailor your communication. Now I know it doesn't sound
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like you're a bad A, like everybody wants you to believe, oh, well, zero Fs and if they don't like
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it, they could leave. And that sounds bad A, right? But that's not the point of communication,
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not to present yourself as the tough guy. The point of communication is to find mutual
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understanding and then find some common ground and move forward towards yours and or the person you
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are communicating with your objective together and to figure out the best way forward. And that means
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that sometimes you don't, you don't get to be a bad A. You got to take a step back and exhibit some
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more empathy or more understanding. Maybe you need to be a little bit more patient or deliberate
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or tolerant or whatever. And you can't just plow through everything that's in front of you.
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I say this through experience. That is my default. Something's in front of me,
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plow through it. Doesn't matter what's in the way. Doesn't matter who's in the way. Doesn't matter
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what wake of collateral damage I leave in my path. I am getting from point A to point B and you better
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get with the program or you better get the hell out of the way. And sometimes that works.
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And oftentimes it doesn't because I need to get on the same page with people and I need to tailor my
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communication in order to get them what I want to do, want them to do. If for example, I want my kids
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to take out the trash, I could yell at them and say, take out the dang trash, do your job. I could do
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that and I'll get compliance. They'll do it. But that isn't my main objective. My main objective is
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for them to see the importance of taking out the trash and the importance of taking care of the house
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and the importance of responsibility and the importance of sacrifice and contributing to
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the household. And therefore my communication is going to be different than if I'm pissed off and
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just want them to take out the damn trash can. So tailor that communication. And then the fifth
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point, and I always end every con I'm looking at a trend here. I always end every conversation with
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this point. So hopefully you guys can see how important this is, is you need to evaluate.
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Wait, in this case, you need to evaluate the response. If you tell your kid to take out the
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trash and the response is one of defiance, then what do you need to do differently?
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Do you need to force the issue? Maybe in some cases, but more often than not, I think that maybe
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you ought to seek to understand, tailor your communication in a way that's going to be effective,
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ask good questions, specific, relevant, and honest, and see if that now leads you to a better outcome.
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If you have an employee at work and you're seeking to understand why they're not doing
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what you would like them to do, maybe there's a misunderstanding.
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Maybe they don't entirely get it. Maybe you communicated something that sounded
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logical and reasonable to you, but it wasn't received that way. And so you drop the ball
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and all it takes is a five minute conversation to get them back on the path.
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Maybe you bump into defiance and wonder why people don't like talking to you. Well,
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maybe that's because you're an a-hole every time you have a conversation with somebody.
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And wouldn't you want to know that? Wouldn't you want to evaluate whether or not people are
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responding to your communication? Because if they are, then good, figure out why.
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Why do people listen to the podcast? Why does my wife listen when I say something or I make a request
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of her? Why do my children take out the trash with relatively mild pushback? Because that's always to
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be expected. I hope it's because I've garnered some influence and authority and credibility in their
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eyes through my desire to understand them, my ability to tailor my communication, and my desire to ask
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them questions so that I can fully understand who they are and what they want to accomplish and find
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some commonalities between what they want to accomplish and what I do. But you've got to
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spend time evaluating it. And this is not to beat up on yourself or other people. You know, I might be
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saying, well, you know, I evaluated and they're being an asshole. Okay. Stop for a second and ask
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yourself a better question, which is not how are they behaving, but why are they behaving that way?
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Specific, relevant, honest questions. And if you can understand why they might be behaving in a way
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that you interpret as being an asshole, you might be able to come at it a bit differently and actually
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elicit an appropriate response. And then in turn, get them to act in a way that you would like them to
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act. Guys, communication is crucial. It's the one thing every time, every day I get a question. Hey,
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what's the one thing you would do? What's the one thing about growing a business? What's the one
00:21:18.280
thing with this? Communication. You will always be working with other people and your ability to
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communicate effectively is going to spell the difference between success and failure for yourself,
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for your family, neighbors, community members, project team members, employees, employers, etc.
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Learn how to communicate effectively. And the last thing I would say as a bonus is just be patient.
00:21:44.720
Be patient, offer some grace, be understanding. It's very easy to get riled up when somebody says
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something that you don't agree with or don't like. And very rarely is it attributed to malice and more
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often it's attributed to the fact that people just suck at communication. So maybe somebody said
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something to you that rubbed the wrong way, but they actually didn't mean any ill intent by it. They
00:22:12.540
were actually trying to help you. So offer some understanding, some grace. And if you do, then
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maybe that's going to be productive. Just the same way somebody has misinterpreted your words and the
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way that you want to communicate. You say something and they take it out of context and they blow up and
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they get pissed off. And you're sitting here like, why are they so mad? I was just trying to help them
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become a, you know, a better employer, a better business owner. Okay. Well, you'd have malice in
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your heart. They just misinterpreted it wrong, which means that maybe you can do a better job
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about interpreting it, about communicating it, and then evaluating that response to see if you can do
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it better or differently next time. This is the path to communication. And if there's one thing you can
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learn about how to work with other people and how to produce desired results in your life,
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it's the ability to communicate effectively. And these are the first five steps. There's a lots
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of other things you can do, but these are the first five. Number one, know what your objective
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is. Number two, seek to understand other people. Number three, always ask good questions, specific,
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relevant, and honest questions. Number four, tailor your communication based on the feedback you're
00:23:20.920
receiving. And then number five, evaluate the response. And once you've evaluated the response,
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then you start the cycle back over. Okay. They did X, Y, and Z. That's what I wanted them to do.
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Now what's my new objective. Okay. Here it is. Okay. Now what are they trying to accomplish? Here it is.
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What questions can I ask to clarify as needed? Okay. I got those. Tailor my communication based on
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those responses and then evaluate whether or not that is something that's going to work for us.
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That's it guys. Very simple. Not always easy to implement, but what I would encourage you to do is
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just write these five little points down and then evaluate yourself at the end of the day.
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Is this what I did? Or did I just try to bull rush through everything and everybody in my path?
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And that might work temporarily, but it's not going to work over the long haul.
00:24:06.200
All right, guys, you've got your marching orders, how to communicate effectively.
00:24:09.460
You've got your five steps there, write them down, document them, do them today. And then give us
00:24:14.220
some feedback. Hit me up on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, wherever you're doing the social media
00:24:18.140
thing. Keep sharing, keep applying, and let's keep going. We'll be back next week. Very,
00:24:25.500
very special podcast next week, guys. So trust me, you're going to want to subscribe if you are not
00:24:31.020
already subscribed. And also leave those ratings and reviews. All right, guys, we'll be back then.
00:24:36.600
Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.
00:24:40.540
Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:24:45.340
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.