Order of Man - 5 Strategies to Save Your Marriage

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.160 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.700 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.

00:00:27.800 I'm the host and the founder of the Urban Man Podcast and Movement. Welcome here and welcome

00:00:33.160 back. This is your Friday Field Notes. I'm going to share some thoughts and insights that have been

00:00:37.360 bouncing around in my brain for the past week or so. But if you're new, we also have our interview

00:00:42.920 show. We've been interviewing guys like Jocko Willink and Grant Cardone and Andy Frisella and

00:00:48.620 John Eldridge, Jason Wilson, Steve Rinella, Ben Shapiro, Dan Crenshaw. Guys, the lineup of men that

00:00:56.440 we've had on the podcast is phenomenal. And if you haven't yet subscribed, make sure that you do that

00:01:02.140 immediately because we got some great guests coming up here in the next several weeks that

00:01:06.760 you are not going to want to miss. We also have our Ask Me Anything with my friend and co-host Kip

00:01:11.500 Sorensen, where we field your questions and attempt to give you the best answers that we can. Some of

00:01:16.440 those things we get right, now we get it all right. We do better, I will say, on some questions than

00:01:22.980 others. But again, make sure you're subscribed because today I'm going to be talking with you

00:01:27.860 about some very important strategies regarding your marriage. Now, I titled this one,

00:01:33.260 Five Strategies to Save Your Marriage. And I don't care if your marriage is on the rocks.

00:01:37.940 It doesn't matter to me if your marriage is at the pinnacle of the relationship that you've had with

00:01:43.180 your wife over the period of years or even decades. But I think these five strategies are really going to

00:01:49.800 serve you. Some of you, these might be a reminder and you might have some of these on lock. For

00:01:56.160 others, maybe you don't have any of these on lock. And this isn't about judgment. It's just about

00:02:00.180 giving you the tools and resources and conversations that you need to thrive. And being a husband,

00:02:05.320 being a father, being engaged and committed with a lovely woman in your life is part of what makes

00:02:10.720 you a man. And so it's important we talk about this. So without further ado, let's break this down.

00:02:15.420 Five Strategies to Save Your Marriage. Number one, guys, this is one of the most important things.

00:02:22.780 And these aren't in order necessarily. They're all important. But I think first and foremost,

00:02:28.180 you got to get the mindset right. And the mindset to have a thriving marriage is number one, to commit.

00:02:35.020 Now, this relative ease of modernity in which we live and the doctrine of popular culture would tell

00:02:41.640 you that you don't need to commit, that you can have one foot in and one foot out, that if things

00:02:46.100 go wrong or at the slightest sign of challenge or obstacle or hardship or heartache or adversity,

00:02:51.360 that you can just leave and you can retreat and you can withdraw. And yes, while you have the right

00:02:57.460 to do that, having that mindset of one foot out, one foot in is not going to serve you. And it's not

00:03:06.200 going to serve her. And it's not going to be conducive to a powerful relationship with your

00:03:10.200 wife. So if your marriage is on the rocks or if you're going through a separation or maybe even

00:03:17.400 a pending divorce, if right now you're dabbling with whether or not you're in or out, I would

00:03:23.260 suggest to you that first, before you make that decision to back out and to retreat and withdraw,

00:03:27.980 and that's what it is, it is a retreat. I would suggest to you that maybe you ought to take a strong

00:03:35.400 look, a good look at your marital vows, whether it's for eternity or till death do us part and

00:03:42.600 ask yourself whether or not you have been a man of your word. Now, it would be easy for you to say,

00:03:48.780 well, right, you know, she's done this and she hasn't done that. And okay, maybe, maybe that's

00:03:53.720 true. But outside of all that, have you done what you can do? See, so many of us focus on what she

00:03:59.560 should be doing, what she shouldn't be doing and how she should be performing and how she should be

00:04:03.640 showing up. And yet we aren't willing to put ourselves under that microscope, that same

00:04:08.420 microscope and give ourselves the same level of scrutiny that we're willing to put and impose

00:04:13.820 on other people. Are you willing to do that for yourself? Because it's very easy to say she does

00:04:19.960 this. She doesn't do that. I wish she would be better here. I wish she would do this differently.

00:04:24.340 And yet I'm pretty certain that she would be saying the same things about you.

00:04:27.760 And some of that is true, if not all of it is true. And so are you the kind of man who's willing

00:04:34.240 to put that, that own, uh, in, in positions or, or, or, or, or restrictions, or even just scrutiny

00:04:42.100 on upon yourself guys commit fully give everything, turn everything over. I know it's scary.

00:04:51.180 I know it poses some vulnerabilities. I know you put yourself at risk. When you do that,

00:04:59.060 you're putting your neck and your nuts on the chopping block. I get it. I get it. But any man

00:05:02.940 who's at any measure of success in his life, whether it's with his wife or with his business

00:05:07.380 or his children or other relationships or ventures in his life is somebody who's willing

00:05:11.700 to go all in and commit fully. And are you, are you willing to commit fully? Are you willing to go

00:05:17.820 all in? I don't know the answer to that. I don't know if you have, I can't answer that for you.

00:05:21.940 I can't tell you if you do steps one through three, that you're fully committed. Only you can decide

00:05:26.180 that. So I don't care if you're running right now, or you're listening to this on your way to work,

00:05:31.220 or you're mowing the lawn or whatever you're doing right now. Be real guys, be honest with yourself.

00:05:39.600 And it sucks at times. It's like a kick in the nuts. You got to be honest with yourself. You got to

00:05:44.520 tell yourself where you're slacking and inadequate. Yes. Yes. That's what you need to do.

00:05:51.020 You need to talk to yourself about being out of integrity. Yes. That's what you need to do.

00:05:58.900 And only when you commit fully to her, are you going to be able to move forward? Because if you're

00:06:04.600 not committed, commit out, like be out a hundred percent in or a hundred percent out. There's no

00:06:10.860 middle ground here. I'm either all in or I'm all out. Choose, make a stand, get off the fence,

00:06:17.860 pick a side. And I hope it's picking the side of honoring your word and honor your commitments

00:06:23.100 that you made maybe a year ago or 10 years ago, or even 40 years ago. I hope that's the commitment

00:06:28.500 that you make. And you don't choose the easier path of leaving just because it's convenient and it's

00:06:33.840 easy. All right. Number two, guys, let's drop the egos. All right. We don't always have to be right.

00:06:39.260 We don't always have to get our way. We don't have to erect these barriers, these mental and

00:06:45.120 emotional barriers between her and you so that there's no vulnerability. You don't need to

00:06:51.840 maintain any sort of sense of your ego. That's fragility. That's selfishness. It's weak. It's

00:07:00.120 cowardly. Now, some guys will say, well, and you know, I'm trying to maintain my position,

00:07:05.780 my mantle of masculinity. Well, is that what you're doing? Or are you just trying to preserve

00:07:10.180 your fragile ego? Because that isn't more courageous, by the way. You know, what's more

00:07:14.800 courageous? Dropping the ego, telling her how you feel, opening yourself up, exposing yourself to

00:07:25.860 some potential heartache and hardship. And that's part of life is taking risk, opening up,

00:07:36.780 exposing yourself even to a degree, not unnecessarily. That's why I don't like this

00:07:41.940 term vulnerability. I'm not talking about doing it unnecessarily. This is a necessity.

00:07:46.360 If you want your marriage to thrive, if you want your marriage to succeed, this is a must. This is a

00:07:54.700 requirement. This isn't an optional thing for you. Drop the ego, drop the pride, drop the arrogance.

00:08:04.300 Let her see you, everything about you, the things you do well, the things you thrive at,

00:08:11.080 your strengths, but also your weaknesses and your inadequacies. Consider that maybe the reason

00:08:18.440 you're partnering with her is because you recognize either consciously or subconsciously

00:08:22.140 that there's something about this woman that fills in some gaps and some voids in who you are as a man.

00:08:30.460 And isn't that the point of a lasting relationship? Forget about the title of marriage. Forget about the

00:08:38.200 certificate issued by the government. Isn't the reason that we get into relationships because

00:08:43.040 we see that this other person, whether it's an intimate relationship, like one with your wife or your

00:08:48.200 child, or even a friend or a colleague, a coworker, a mentor, perhaps can fill some gaps that you have

00:08:54.560 in your own life. You can't acknowledge those gaps. If you think you got everything figured out. And by the

00:09:00.900 way, you don't, none of us do. And she doesn't either, by the way, guys, she's not an angel.

00:09:10.260 She might be lovely. She might be beautiful. She might work to complete you. She might be your

00:09:16.520 quote unquote better half, but she's a shade and angel either. And she's got her own deficiencies

00:09:21.660 and her own inadequate adequacies that you shore up, or at least you should be. We'll talk about more

00:09:27.360 about that here in a minute, but guys, drop the ego. Let her into your world, into everything about

00:09:34.920 who you are and those cracks and those gaps and those weaknesses and the fragilities about who

00:09:41.700 you are as a man. Let her fill those gaps. Let her be strong in a feminine way where you can't be,

00:09:48.580 or you're incapable of being. That doesn't make you less of a human. It just means that you

00:09:52.060 acknowledge your shortcomings and that you've figured out a way by partnering with this woman

00:09:57.900 to shore up those inadequacies. Number three, offer grace, guys. I already told you she's not an angel,

00:10:05.720 but neither are you. Probably more so than even her, I would imagine, generally speaking. Seems to be

00:10:12.980 that, well, I don't know. Those are broad generalities. I won't say that, but you're not

00:10:19.020 an angel either. We'll leave it at that. You've made mistakes. You've done dumb things. And I'm

00:10:23.060 not talking about infidelity necessarily, although maybe it could be. That's a question you need to

00:10:28.380 ask yourself. I'm not going to make that decision for you, but regardless of where she is and where

00:10:33.420 you are, both of you have made mistakes. And it is amazing to me. And I say it about myself too. I do

00:10:40.020 the same thing. How quickly we will forgive ourselves and how quickly we will overlook our own

00:10:46.680 indiscretions and indiscretions and how slow we are to forgive the indiscretions and pitfalls and

00:10:52.300 stumblings of others. Guys, you committed to this woman. Are you man enough to afford her some grace?

00:11:02.740 Now, look, I'm not saying she reports to you, but you've committed yourselves to each other

00:11:09.960 and maybe she's messed up and maybe she's done some things. Maybe she's said some things or she's

00:11:18.200 engaged in some behavior or she's been manipulative or engaged in certain character flaws that we all

00:11:25.020 have. And what kind of standard are you holding her to relative to the standard you're holding

00:11:30.600 yourself to? That's all I'm saying. If you're going to judge her, I ask, are you judging yourself

00:11:37.180 with the same level of scrutiny? If you're going to hold her to a standard and expectation,

00:11:43.340 are you holding yourself to the same standard and expectation? And if you find through honesty that

00:11:50.980 you are affording yourself some grace and some leniency, maybe even some justification or excuses

00:11:58.960 or rationalizations about why you're engaged in certain behavior, do you think that maybe you

00:12:04.480 ought to do the same thing for her? Tighten up your own performance. And in the meantime,

00:12:13.780 see her for not only who she is, but also who she can become if she had the proper leadership.

00:12:22.500 Look, I know that's an unpopular comment. It's an unpopular statement. What I just said,

00:12:27.980 but maybe she'll change because she has a great leader and her husband, you.

00:12:31.340 And I've heard people say, well, you know, that's an outdated way of looking at things. And oh,

00:12:36.760 I can't believe the misogyny and the patriarchy and all these little buzzwords that people hear,

00:12:41.260 they don't really know what they mean. They don't spend any time looking into it. And yet they hear

00:12:44.520 it and they think, oh, I'm just going to regurgitate that. Guys, you're the leader.

00:12:49.580 You are the leader of your household. You are the leader. You are the man.

00:12:53.920 Lead her effectively. Yes, I said it. And if you don't like it, you're in the wrong place.

00:13:01.960 Lead her effectively. Ladies, if you don't like that, and I don't think there's very many of you,

00:13:06.820 by the way, I think the majority of you ladies understand that. And you acknowledge that you

00:13:10.520 recognize that and you love it. Because when you see a man step into his full potential and who he is

00:13:17.080 supposed to be as a man, that allows you to be who you are supposed to be as a woman.

00:13:24.480 You guys can message me about that. And you will. I don't need to invite you to message me.

00:13:28.440 You certainly will, whether you agree, but certainly if you disagree, you'll message me.

00:13:33.620 But guys, offer grace. Be a leader. Hold your wife to the same standard you are. Improve your own

00:13:40.120 standard and expectations that you have of yourself. And then you'll be able to do that for your wife.

00:13:44.340 But if you're holding yourself down here and you're holding her up here, shame on you.

00:13:51.120 Hold yourself to the same standard and find out ways to offer her grace. Because maybe there's a

00:13:57.000 point in time where she's going to need to offer you grace. And I know there's been plenty with my

00:14:02.200 wife. All right. Number four, guys, play with her. Just play. Guys, this is coming from a very

00:14:09.760 serious person. I'm a serious person. You guys all know that. If you've been following for any amount of

00:14:13.500 time, you know how serious I am. But just play. Joke and laugh and tease and tickle. Slap her ass

00:14:21.600 when you walk by and give her a wink and a nod. Grab her and just wrestle with her. Play with her.

00:14:30.880 Joke and tease. And you guys know what I'm saying. When I say play with her, I'm not talking about

00:14:35.680 manipulation. I'm not talking about taking advantage of her. I'm talking about being with her

00:14:40.320 and having fun. Look, if you can unlock her smile, if you can make her laugh, if you can make her feel

00:14:47.200 young again, man, you are indispensable. You are the most valuable person in the world. If you can

00:14:56.840 make her laugh and make her smile, make her feel young, make her feel good about herself, make it

00:15:02.220 seem like you're interested and not even make it seem, but actually be interested, you are indispensable.

00:15:08.000 She will bend over backwards to make her, to make you feel good about who you are and to make that

00:15:15.400 relationship last because of how valuable you are in her life. And we have just the great ability to

00:15:24.080 take everything so seriously. I even acknowledge that about myself. I've taped things more seriously

00:15:29.980 than they should. I'm probably the most serious person among all of us. And yet I acknowledge that

00:15:35.440 sometimes she needs to laugh. Like when's the last time you joked? When's the last time you really

00:15:41.120 genuinely like belly laugh from the bottom of your soul? And you almost cried because you were laughing

00:15:45.920 so much. When's the last time you wrestled? When's the last time you tickled her, had a pillow fight

00:15:51.460 with her or took her on some adventure and kept her in the dark and made it a surprise and made it a

00:15:57.440 secret. Play guys play with her, have fun with her. That's the beauty of the relationship. That's part

00:16:06.740 of the beauty in a way is, is that we get to be spontaneous and it challenges us, but it also makes

00:16:12.240 us laugh and we have companionship and we have fun. And if everything's so monotonous all the time,

00:16:19.220 how exhausting would it be? My wife is significantly better in this department and it makes me a better

00:16:25.600 human. I, I, I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have her in it and, and how

00:16:33.960 boring and just grinding and monotonous and gray and dull it would be. Don't let her describe you that

00:16:43.980 way. Be fun, have fun, enjoy each other's company. All right. Number five. Again, these aren't necessarily

00:16:52.740 in any order here, but this is very important. And it's one that a lot of guys overlook. And here it

00:16:58.580 is. You need to learn to be a man without her. Cause I hear guys are like, Oh, she's the center of my

00:17:05.040 universe. She's my everything. She completes me. My world revolves around her. I wouldn't be able to

00:17:10.380 live without her. What a horrible, horrible thing. I know it sounds romantic. I know we hear these things

00:17:17.580 in the movies and the chick flicks about like how the man can't live without the woman and everything

00:17:21.920 else. And you know what? Those guys, quite honestly, in the real world are the little lap

00:17:26.320 dogs. You know what I'm talking about? The little lap dogs that they put in these little containers.

00:17:30.380 I see it when people travel, they put them in these little containers. They put their lap dog in there

00:17:34.420 and they shove it in there and they're carrying this container around in the airport and their dog's

00:17:38.600 head sticking out and they give it a treat every once in a while. And it's pure entertainment.

00:17:44.380 And, and we all laugh at that, right? Every guy laughs at that. Like, Oh, why would you do that?

00:17:48.620 And yet you are the one in the container. You're the one that she's giving little treats to.

00:17:53.200 And you're saying, well, she completes me. Oh, she's my, everything. My, my life revolves around

00:17:57.720 her. You're the one in the little cage that she's carrying around like a little lap dog,

00:18:02.080 like a little domesticated animal. That isn't you. That's who you think you need to be. That's who

00:18:10.300 society has conditioned you to be, but you're not that you're a lion. You're uncaged. You're,

00:18:18.020 you're untamed. You're wild. You take what you want. You take risks. You acknowledge what you go

00:18:26.660 after it. You fight for it. You're violent. If needs to be, I'm not saying be violent with her,

00:18:30.880 but you understand what I'm saying. You're not domesticated. And yet you all laugh at the woman.

00:18:37.540 You know what I'm talking about? The woman with the fake face and all the makeup and the fake hair

00:18:41.860 and extensions and the big boobs and the little lap dog she's carrying around. And you all laugh at her

00:18:46.560 and you don't even acknowledge that you're the dog in the little carrier thing. That's you guys.

00:18:54.560 Be a man without her. If you can't be a man without her, you can't be a man with her

00:19:01.100 because when she carries that little thing around, maybe she's not carrying around you around,

00:19:05.920 but I guarantee she's got your nuts in her purse.

00:19:08.080 And that's entertaining for a while. She loves that because she gets to pet it and stroke it and

00:19:17.020 play with it. And everybody else comes and says how cute it is. And, and she gets to put you aside

00:19:21.600 when she has attention from other guys, you know, or looking at her fake body and fake face and her

00:19:26.240 fake personality. So she kind of puts you back in there. So nobody else can see that. Oh, maybe she's

00:19:31.140 got somebody else. Be a man guys. Cause all that lapdog bullshit gets old

00:19:39.700 and she gets tired of it. And she discards you as easily as she would discard an animal that she's

00:19:46.480 no longer interested in. Are you hanging out with friends? Are you engaged in hobbies and activities

00:19:54.340 and interests that edify and uplift you free of her or your children? Do you carve out time for

00:19:59.720 yourself? Do you have a relationship with God and realize what your higher power is?

00:20:03.860 Are you planning your day? Are you executing? Are you getting in shape? Not for anybody else,

00:20:07.700 but for you. And the more you can do these things, the more attractive you become.

00:20:12.420 And you don't do it so that you can become attractive. You do it. And being attractive is

00:20:16.240 the natural outcome. But you need to figure out how to be a man without her, because I'll tell you

00:20:21.740 what, and this goes for my, uh, single brothers listening right now. Some of you guys will say,

00:20:25.540 well, how do I find a great woman? The answer is you become a great man.

00:20:29.920 Like you don't go, just go looking for, because even if you saw her, you wouldn't even be able to

00:20:35.660 attract her because you're not to that level yet. So how do you attract a great woman? You become a

00:20:39.720 great man. You get in shape, you lose weight, you learn applicable skills. You, you learn how to deal

00:20:45.720 with your money and your finances. You learn how to provide, you learn how to do all these things that

00:20:48.980 make you a man so that you can have a level of self-confidence. And that level of self-confidence

00:20:54.200 will be appealing. You don't do it for her. You do it for yourself. And then she's attracted to that.

00:21:01.780 Why do women cheat?

00:21:06.060 Because they got you in the lap, the lap dog cage or whatever, that little bag they're holding around

00:21:10.580 at the airport. They got you in there and you're not doing it for them.

00:21:14.660 Because they're not interested in being entertained, gentlemen. They're interested in being led

00:21:21.500 effectively, honorably. And if you can do that, you're going to have the key to her heart

00:21:29.180 and you will be able to salvage your relationship. You will be able to salvage your marriage. You will

00:21:34.280 be able to keep that thing alive. She will be excited and honored to be a part of your life and

00:21:38.900 vice versa, by the way. But that only comes to the degree that you're capable of leading her. And that

00:21:44.640 only comes with your ability to be a man independent of who she is. So guys, take these

00:21:53.860 things to heart. Acknowledge these things. Recognize what I'm talking about here. Apply these things.

00:21:58.920 I promise you, your life will improve. Your relationship certainly will. And then one day

00:22:03.640 you'll get to send me a message instead of saying, hey, how come my marriage is falling apart? But

00:22:07.240 she'll send me a message and you'll say, hey, Ryan, I took those five things you said to heart

00:22:10.520 and our sex is better. Our intimacy is better. Our connection is better. We're glad to be with

00:22:17.580 each other. We spend time together. We go on vacations together. We build empires. We build

00:22:21.720 businesses. Those are the kinds of messages I want to see because you're applying what I've taught you

00:22:25.920 here. Number one, commit fully. No half in, half out. It's a good no-go exercise. As they'd say in

00:22:33.260 the military, you're either all in or you're all out. One or the other. Go all in before you go

00:22:37.180 all out. Number two, drop your ego. Don't let that thing get in the way. Number three, offer and afford

00:22:42.760 grace to her as you would expect that she would do the same for you. Number four, play, have fun,

00:22:47.600 tickle, fight, enjoy, joke, laugh, tease, slap her ass. Again, when you walk by, these are the things you

00:22:54.360 do to play with her. Number five, be a man without her so that you can be a man with and for her.

00:23:02.540 All right, guys, you've got your marching orders. Get after it. We'll be back next week. Until then,

00:23:07.560 go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

00:23:11.280 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life

00:23:15.580 and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

00:23:24.360 Thank you.

Order of Man - November 05, 2021

5 Strategies to Save Your Marriage ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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