Order of Man - 5 Ways to Bolster Your Confidence as a Man

00:00:00.000 Don't have an opinion about everything and secondary or ancillary to that is not every

00:00:06.500 hill is worth dying on. It's not worth fighting for. If you're not interested in whatever the

00:00:12.000 subject is, you don't need to have an opinion about it. That's something I'm working on. I'm

00:00:17.040 getting better at it with a little thought and a little maturity. So I'm really trying personally

00:00:22.120 to make a conscious effort not to have an opinion about everything or if I do not really always feel

00:00:27.800 the need to share it. You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and

00:00:35.300 boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:41.400 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is

00:00:48.000 who you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:53.300 you can call yourself a man. Every man wants to be more secure in himself. It's not really a

00:01:00.800 question of if he wants to be more secure, but how does he do it? We're constantly inundated and

00:01:05.720 bombarded with our own feelings, our own emotions, things that trigger us, things that fire us up,

00:01:11.080 things that make us mad, things that make us sad. And it seems like too often we as men are tossed to

00:01:16.640 and fro by external sources, other people, the circumstances we might find ourselves in.

00:01:23.920 And today I want to share with you how you can be more secure as a man and also five ways to bolster

00:01:30.540 your confidence. And I'm going to share those with you here in a minute. But before we get into it,

00:01:35.860 I just want to tell you why this is so important. And it might be intuitive. You might understand,

00:01:40.980 but it is crucial that we have a good understanding and knowledge as to why it's important that we do this.

00:01:46.000 Number one is you're just going to feel better. You know, I talk with men every single day that

00:01:50.640 are not feeling good about themselves. They're down on themselves. They're depressed. They're

00:01:54.920 anxious, potentially even suicidal. If you want to feel better about who you are and how you're

00:02:00.580 showing up, then your ability to be more secure is going to be a big indicator of that. Number two

00:02:06.420 is you're going to build influence with other people. We've all been around emotionally reckless

00:02:11.380 people. We've been around those people who are completely volatile, ups and downs and highs and

00:02:16.960 lows. And that does nothing to garner the influence that they may otherwise have with us. The fact of

00:02:23.540 the matter is, is that you want people to be influenced by you. And in many ways, you want them

00:02:28.580 to like who you are as a person or a leader or a father or husband or fill in the blank with your

00:02:34.940 label of choice. But it is important that your kids are influenced by you. You're trying to lead

00:02:40.860 them well. It is important that your significant other is influenced by you. Same thing with your

00:02:44.760 clients and your employees and your employers and everybody else. This is antithetical to the common

00:02:51.520 phrase and common mindset of, I don't care what anybody else thinks of me. Obviously, we ought to care

00:02:57.740 about what some people think. And we need to build influence with those individuals. The third

00:03:02.640 reason I think is so important is that when you build the type of confidence and security that

00:03:07.940 I'll be addressing today, you are going to create more opportunities for yourself. This directly stems

00:03:14.380 from your ability to be influential in people's lives. And when a client, for example, believes you to be

00:03:21.420 secure and believes you to be in control of who you are and have the confidence that comes with it,

00:03:27.760 a client, for example, might do more business with you, might be more apt to refer,

00:03:32.640 people your way. Maybe there's opportunities to go work with a different employer or someone else

00:03:39.080 because that person sees you as a confident, capable man. So these are the reasons why it's so crucial

00:03:47.520 that we learn to be more secure. Let's break this down into five steps. Number one is constantly working

00:03:54.620 to validate yourself. It's very common for men to seek external validation. And we do it in a lot

00:04:03.700 of different forms. It could be in the form of being validated by a woman or women. It could be

00:04:09.700 validation in the form of physical possessions that somebody might compliment us about or the amount of

00:04:16.540 money that's in our bank account or the praise and notoriety that comes with having six pack abs and the

00:04:22.440 perfect physique. And there's nothing wrong with someone complimenting you. In fact, if somebody

00:04:27.740 does compliment you, I suggest you say, thank you. That means a lot to me. And then go on about your

00:04:31.880 way. So it's not about ignoring or overlooking or rejecting or even rebuking somebody who might

00:04:38.520 compliment you. It's the motive. Is your motive to get that from other people or is the motive to do

00:04:45.480 that for yourself? If you're getting it from other people, what ends up happening is that you as a man

00:04:50.840 will work to manipulate others in order to get the validation that you want. You might say things a

00:04:56.960 certain way, act a certain way that is out of character and or not in alignment with who you are.

00:05:02.280 It's very off-putting from a perspective of the other person. And it's counterintuitive to at least

00:05:09.940 counterproductive, I should say, to you being able to build influence with people. Influence and respect

00:05:15.900 relationships are built on the backbone of trust. And if you're doing things to manipulate other

00:05:22.140 people's behavior or response, eventually they're just not going to trust you and you're going to

00:05:27.740 shoot yourself in the foot. So how do we validate ourselves? Well, by making commitments to ourselves

00:05:35.780 and then honoring those commitments. It's really that simple. If you say tomorrow morning, you're going

00:05:41.700 to wake up at 5 a.m. and you wake up at 6 a.m., you're going to undermine your confidence. But if

00:05:48.180 you get up at 5 a.m., even though you might be tired and want to sleep in and not want to get out

00:05:52.460 of bed, that is going to help you just a little bit, a little sliver of help to build up and bolster

00:05:58.180 the security that you have in yourself and the ability that you have to validate yourself, especially

00:06:03.300 when things are hard. If you keep those commitments, you're going to know that you're a man

00:06:07.840 that is a man of his word, that has integrity, that does hard things, that doesn't let external

00:06:15.020 circumstance get in the way of him accomplishing his goals. The most successful people I know are

00:06:19.700 the ones that keep commitments to themselves religiously, without fail, without exception.

00:06:26.200 So how do you know if you're seeking validation from others? And how do you know if you're trying to

00:06:33.640 validate yourself? Well, think of your intent or your motive behind sharing the things that you share.

00:06:42.080 So for example, if you want to tell somebody about a successful day that you had at the office,

00:06:47.920 is it so that you can brag and you can tell everybody and show everybody how wonderful you are?

00:06:53.560 Or is there a lesson, for example, or story in there that you want to share with other people

00:06:58.500 so they can learn from your success and apply it in their own life? Same story, right? Telling people

00:07:05.640 about how successful the day was, but the motive is service to others or the motive is service to

00:07:12.420 self. So who is it that you're trying to serve? If it's other people, you can rest assured that you're

00:07:17.320 probably not out there seeking validation. You're trying to be a value add to another person's life.

00:07:23.700 Let's talk about point number two, knowing who you are. It is amazing to me how many men do not know

00:07:31.560 who they are. They don't know what drives them, what compels them, what motivates them, what scares

00:07:37.740 them. We're acting on these scripts throughout our life without even knowing what the formula is.

00:07:43.060 And there is a formula. Everything that you do and say and think and the way you behave is all a product

00:07:49.640 of the stories that you either consciously or subconsciously have adopted in your life.

00:07:58.020 And everything is a story. Some are more accurate than others, but there's no story that we have in

00:08:04.200 our own lives that are entirely accurate because we have bad memories. We have biases. We have our

00:08:10.800 emotions that tend to cloud and get in the way. So we've got stories that we've made up in our lives

00:08:17.100 from the time that we were kids to the time right now. And every way that you behave is just a product

00:08:23.600 of the stories you told yourself as a result of the circumstances you found yourself in, whether those

00:08:30.640 were self-imposed circumstances or circumstances beyond your control. So when it comes to knowing

00:08:37.100 yourself, a man who knows himself and knows what stories he's operating his life by is going to be

00:08:43.580 more secure, partly because he's going to now give himself the control, the ability to write and

00:08:50.560 craft stories that are more valuable in what he wants to accomplish. So for example, let's say

00:08:58.860 that you have been working with a company for the past 15 years and the company's not doing very well,

00:09:07.340 or maybe the economy's not doing well. And your employer comes to you and he says, Hey, look,

00:09:11.540 we're having a hard time right now. We have to do layoffs and you're one of the people that we're

00:09:17.860 going to have to lay off. Now, one story you might tell yourself in that situation is that the boss is

00:09:24.080 out to get you. The economy's in the tank. Nobody likes you. Nobody appreciates you. Nobody cares about

00:09:30.720 you. These are all disempowering stories. An alternative story might be, this is an opportunity for me to go out

00:09:39.260 and create something new, to try something different, to put myself in a better situation and an opportunity.

00:09:45.620 This is a moment of learning for me that if I ever find myself in this type of position again, maybe I do need

00:09:51.060 to be more valuable to the organization. And maybe I need to work a little harder, a little smarter, be more

00:09:56.140 creative. Or maybe I should start that business that I've always wanted to start, but I've never given myself

00:10:01.200 permission to do it. Same story or excuse me, same set of circumstances, but completely different

00:10:07.560 stories. One is disempowering and one is empowering. Now, I'm not saying that we need to make the best of

00:10:14.740 every situation and overlook the negative sides of losing a job, for example. But if you're going to make

00:10:20.820 a story up, you might as well make up one that serves you. So what are your stories from the time you

00:10:25.900 were little to you right now? Also, what triggers you? You know, what fires you up? What makes you mad?

00:10:35.000 What are the things that really bother you? I feel like the more that we can put a face with the things

00:10:39.600 that bother us, the less likely it is for those things to have power and control over us. It's when

00:10:45.660 we don't identify those things. It's when we just let them work casually in the background that we get

00:10:51.820 ourselves into trouble. I like journaling personally. Got my journal right here somewhere. There it is.

00:10:59.220 So every day I'm writing something in here. Maybe it's a complete journal entry of my day and maybe

00:11:05.440 it's just a thought that I had or an after action review that I've done on my own personal performance

00:11:10.500 on this podcast or an interview that I've done or a conversation that I've had. But I'm constantly

00:11:15.680 writing those things down in here because I want to know what makes me tick, what makes me who I am.

00:11:21.520 And the more that I know that, the more secure I can be with who I am and the more easily capable I am

00:11:28.460 of figuring out what my weaknesses and flaws are and shoring those things up as well. Let's get into

00:11:35.020 point number three. Point number three is committing to boundaries. Guys, I've talked about boundaries so

00:11:43.220 much, but boundaries in your life about the way that you will be treated, the way that people will show up,

00:11:49.360 the expectation that you have at a base level for yourself and for other people and the way they

00:11:54.100 handle a relationship with you is crucial. And the less, excuse me, I should say the fewer

00:12:01.000 boundaries that you have or also your inability to uphold your boundaries is going to completely

00:12:08.240 demoralize you. You're going to allow people to trample all over you. You're not going to be able to share

00:12:14.400 your insights and thoughts. You're not going to be able to create opportunities for yourself. You're

00:12:19.800 not going to be able to express yourself in a powerful way because you're letting other people

00:12:24.660 treat you in a way that isn't conducive to your growth. This might be a relationship that you have

00:12:31.060 and maybe the woman in your life is verbally abusive and the way she talks with you is not acceptable,

00:12:37.640 but you just roll over because you think that's just what we ought to do. And you want to

00:12:41.460 not rock the boat or, you know, keep the marriage together. Or maybe a client berates you and belittles

00:12:47.040 you because you made a simple mistake. Our inability to stand up in a respectful, appropriate way often

00:12:56.540 will spell the difference between us being emotionally tormented, even doing it to ourselves, or emotionally

00:13:03.460 secure. A man that says to somebody who mistreats him, hey, look, I know you're upset right now,

00:13:10.060 but I refuse to be treated the way that I'm being treated right now. You can't tell me that that guy

00:13:16.740 is not going to walk around with a little bit more confidence and a little bit more swagger knowing

00:13:21.940 that he stood up properly to somebody who was trying to mistreat him. First, you need to know what your

00:13:27.520 boundaries are. What will you tolerate? What will you not tolerate? Second, you also need to put yourself

00:13:33.160 in a position where you have abundance in your life. So for example, if you only have one client

00:13:39.640 and that's makes up 80, 90, 95% of your business and that person berates you, the likelihood of you

00:13:48.200 standing up to that person is probably pretty low because you don't want to run the risk of losing

00:13:53.300 them. But if you have a thousand clients and this one client makes up less than 1% of your revenue

00:14:01.000 and they decide to berate you, you're okay to be able to stand up for yourself because it's not really

00:14:07.920 going to have that great of an impact. If anything, it will have a positive impact on your book of

00:14:12.320 business or your life in general. So create abundance and prosperity in your life. If you do that,

00:14:19.640 you're more likely to put yourself in a good position when the thing actually needs to be said.

00:14:26.040 Number four, guys, keeping, I think we already talked about this a little bit,

00:14:30.200 but it's just keeping your commitments even when you don't want to. Actually, I would probably say

00:14:35.660 especially when you don't want to because keeping a commitment when it's easy for you is not a difficult

00:14:42.320 thing and it's not a character building thing. It's not wrong. It's a good thing, but it's not going to

00:14:47.500 build any character. If for example, you love to work out in the morning and it's not difficult for

00:14:54.260 you to get out of bed and you go into the gym and you're excited and gets your day off on the right

00:14:58.440 path and you just love everything about lifting, for example, it's good that you honor that commitment,

00:15:04.620 but it's not going to build any character because it's not hard for you. It comes natural. It's easy

00:15:09.500 for you. But if on the other hand, you've decided, Hey, I'm going to go run a 5k or run a half marathon

00:15:16.880 or run a marathon or an endurance event. And I want to prepare for this, but I hate running. I'm speaking

00:15:22.200 about myself here. It's the commitment of training for running when you don't want to, that's actually

00:15:30.220 going to build the character or the commitment to have, let's say, for example, a difficult conversation

00:15:36.620 with somebody. Maybe you and your wife are struggling and you need to bring up a conversation

00:15:41.100 about the struggles and what's going on, but you keep kicking it down the road, hoping it'll get

00:15:46.660 better. And some days it is and some days it isn't, but there's always this underlying tone of

00:15:51.660 contention and friction in the relationship. But the commitment you made is to be able to have this

00:15:56.920 conversation. You also made a commitment to be honest and truthful with her. So if you're holding back,

00:16:02.380 then you're not being honest, you're not being truthful, and you're not honoring your own

00:16:06.460 commitment. You have to do that and get back into integrity because that's, what's going to boost

00:16:11.540 your security, your confidence in the way that you feel about yourself. So keep those commitments.

00:16:18.260 And if you're not going to keep the commitment, just don't make the commitment. Now I'm, I'm not

00:16:23.060 saying that as a permission slip for you never to make commitments in your life because some people

00:16:27.180 might read it that way. No, it's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is the commitments

00:16:32.440 that you make, honor them and make sure those commitments are in alignment with the vision

00:16:36.260 and desires you have for your life. Let's talk about number five. This one's important. This is

00:16:41.820 one that I'm personally working on that I struggle with at times, but it's simply this. Don't have an

00:16:47.480 opinion about everything. And secondary or ancillary to that is not every hill is worth dying on. It's not

00:16:55.080 worth fighting for. So you need to learn when to pick your battle or excuse me, when to battle and

00:17:02.060 when to retreat or withdraw. It's not even a retreat. If you're not interested in whatever

00:17:07.340 the subject is, you don't need to have an opinion about it. That's something I'm working on. I'm

00:17:12.600 getting better at it with a little thought and a little maturity and also just being busy with other

00:17:17.880 things. I don't have time to get involved in everything. So I'm really trying personally to make a

00:17:23.380 conscious effort not to have an opinion about everything. Or if I do not really always feel

00:17:28.500 the need to share it. I've never been accused of being a quiet person. I've never been accused of

00:17:35.700 not having an opinion. I do. But I've found that the more that I can just not let things work me up,

00:17:44.680 only the things that actually matter and are in alignment with my vision, the more focused I can

00:17:49.720 be on that and the more secure that I am. I don't have as much of a need to fight and contend with

00:17:54.960 people on subjects and interests and discussions that aren't relevant, exciting or entertaining to

00:18:02.200 me. So like I said, that is something that I'm working on to varying degrees of success at different

00:18:09.040 times in the day and throughout the week. But it is something I'm working on. And I found myself more

00:18:14.100 secure when I can leave things alone that really aren't worth my time. So guys, I know this is kind

00:18:22.460 of a quick list, kind of a rapid fire. This is how we do these Friday field notes, because I want you

00:18:26.420 to just take some notes. And I really every single week when I do these Friday episodes, I want to give

00:18:32.100 you some homework, so to speak, something that you can actually grasp onto and do in your life and

00:18:39.260 implement and make your life better. And that's what I would encourage you to do when you're listening

00:18:44.220 to these Friday field notes is take this information over the weekend, think about it, write some things

00:18:49.280 down, take some notes, and then come up with an action plan on what you're going to do specifically

00:18:53.800 in order to boost up your confidence and your security. So let me recap. Again, the benefits,

00:18:59.400 you're going to feel a whole lot better about yourself. And that alone is invaluable.

00:19:03.180 I know that there's days where, you know, I have down days, where I might struggle emotionally with

00:19:10.420 certain things. Maybe it's my circumstances, or maybe I'm throwing myself a little pity party,

00:19:15.860 you know, it happens. But what I found is that those days are usually aligned with being out of integrity.

00:19:26.300 Being out of integrity on conversations I need to have being out of integrity by not waking up and

00:19:30.760 going to the gym on time when I said I would being out of integrity with the way the house or my office

00:19:35.720 looks. Usually those bad and rough days are directly correlated with being out of order.

00:19:42.560 So you're going to feel better about yourself. You're going to build influence. Sometimes when I

00:19:47.280 talk about that, people have a hard time with that, because they immediately assume that we're talking

00:19:51.720 about some sort of manipulation strategy when we're influencing others. It's not what I'm saying at all.

00:19:56.460 There's nothing negative about influence. There's also nothing inherently positive about it. You

00:20:04.180 know, we've all been influenced to do wonderful things. Maybe you listen to this podcast, and it's

00:20:10.300 causing you to start a business or go back into the gym or fill in the blank. That's positive influence.

00:20:17.420 If it might be that, you know, you hang out with some buddies, and you decide to go get drunk,

00:20:24.280 and maybe you drive around drunk, and you end up getting in an accident, and heaven forbid you kill

00:20:29.440 somebody. But there's been scenarios where a person is influenced to do that. So there's nothing moral

00:20:36.760 or amoral inherently in influence. It's just really a matter of how you use it. And when I'm talking about

00:20:43.280 influence, I hope you understand I'm talking about building positive influence so you can effectively

00:20:49.120 lead and impact other people. And then the third is to create more opportunities. And don't we all

00:20:54.440 want that? You know, for me, for example, I want more podcast guests. I want more people to tune into

00:21:01.160 this mission. I want to partner with other people that I respect and admire and look up to. And I do

00:21:08.460 that by being secure in who I am as a man, knowing myself, and building up my confidence so I can in turn

00:21:15.460 and share that with other people. And then to recap the five ways, number one, work to validate

00:21:19.960 yourself. You don't have to prove anything to anybody else. And if you're trying to prove to your

00:21:25.560 dad or your wife or your kids or random strangers on the internet, how wonderful you are, that is a

00:21:31.880 recipe for disaster. It's unnecessary, it doesn't work. And if anything, it undermines true confidence.

00:21:39.500 confidence. It'll, it'll bolster your, your pride and your ego and your arrogance for sure. But it's

00:21:46.060 not true confidence. Instead, work to validate yourself. Number two, knowing who you are, knowing

00:21:52.920 your stories, knowing where you come from, knowing what fires you up so you can actually combat against

00:21:58.360 those things. Number three is committing to boundaries and keeping yourself out of trouble that

00:22:03.480 way. When you have those boundaries in place and you keep those boundaries and you expect other people

00:22:08.020 to keep those boundaries, man, you're like, it's, it's like walking around with, with armor on.

00:22:15.480 Nothing can get at you. Nothing can impact you. Nothing can penetrate your, your armor when you're

00:22:21.160 like that. Number four, keeping your commitments, even when you don't want to. I said, especially when

00:22:25.900 you don't want to. And number five, you don't need to have an opinion about everything. And not every

00:22:30.920 battle is worth you fighting for. Know the battles you want to fight, know the battles you don't care

00:22:35.940 about, and then act accordingly. Guys, I hope that helps. Being more secure is a beautiful thing. And

00:22:42.060 I've had security in myself to varying degrees of success throughout my life. And sometimes I've been

00:22:47.780 very secure and other times a lot of insecurities creep in. And I'll tell you what, life's better when

00:22:53.140 you can keep out the insecurities and build up the security in yourself. All right, guys, I hope that

00:22:59.340 helps. Hey, one other thing I wanted to share with you is in May of next year, the spring, so May 1st

00:23:05.340 through the 4th, spring next year, 2025, we're doing a really, really cool event. It's called

00:23:11.840 The Forge, A Gathering of Men. And we're going to be doing this just outside of St. Louis with me,

00:23:18.200 Larry Hagner with the Dad Edge, Connor Beaton with Man Talks, and Matt Boudreau with Apogee Strong.

00:23:23.940 I would love for you guys to be there. We don't have very many spots. So if you are interested and want

00:23:28.820 to watch a video about what it's about and get the details, head to themensforge.com, themensforge.com.

00:23:36.240 All right, guys, those are your marching orders. Think on that this weekend. Apply what you've

00:23:40.040 learned. Make yourself a better man. We'll be back next week. Until then, go out there,

00:23:44.200 take action, and become a man you are meant to be.

00:23:47.000 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your life and be

00:23:56.580 more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - October 25, 2024

5 Ways to Bolster Your Confidence as a Man ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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