00:00:29.520but it doesn't sacrifice your self-respect in the process.
00:00:34.960Then welcome back to the order man podcast. If you're new here, I am glad that you're joining
00:00:40.720us and that you found us. And if you've been here a while, you already know that we don't
00:00:45.200do fluff. We don't pull punches. We don't beat around the bush. And today's episode is one that
00:00:49.920I've been wanting to talk about for a very long time. I've had a lot of guys ask me about getting
00:00:55.520people to respect you, being able to have influence and authority and credibility with
00:01:01.280others. And almost everyone I talk to is dealing with some version of this problem. You know,
00:01:08.020maybe it's a coworker who constantly interrupts you. It could be a friend who only calls you
00:01:15.240when they need something from you, or maybe a boss that overlooks your contribution to the
00:01:20.460organization. But maybe it's even more subtle than that. Just this nagging feeling that people
00:01:26.040don't quite take you as seriously as you'd like them to take you. So whatever your situation,
00:01:32.640today we're going to be talking about respect. Not the kind that you demand from others and not
00:01:37.900the kind that you have to beg for and plead for, but the kind that you build, maybe even silently.
00:01:43.880It's that x factor when you walk into the room and people know there's something different about you.
00:01:48.920So today we've got five very practical, actionable things that you can start doing right now, today, that will genuinely shift how people treat you, how they perceive you, and the opportunities that are presented to you.
00:02:04.200Again, no fluff, no BS, no theory. Let's just get into it.
00:02:07.780All right, so number one is, and I've talked about this ad nauseum at this point, but it's very important, is that you have to set clear boundaries and, a lot of guys don't do this, enforce them.
00:02:18.360This is point number one. Again, set clear boundaries and actually enforce them.
00:02:23.420And here's the hard truth about this. People don't respect you because they're bad people.
00:02:29.880Most of the time, they disrespect you because you've trained them to disrespect you.
00:02:36.800You've taught them that it's okay. As the adage goes, we encourage what we tolerate.
00:02:42.340so every time you say yes when you mean no or every time you let a comment slide that's bothered
00:02:49.100you or every time that you've put up with treatment that doesn't sit right what you're
00:02:54.760doing is sending a signal to the other person that that's that that's okay and and i'm not
00:03:00.700saying this to make you feel inferior about yourself but i'm saying it because it means
00:03:06.480that you have more power than you think you do. You can take back control of the way other people
00:03:13.640view you. Now, you can't control it completely, but you can certainly influence it.
00:03:18.360Because the same way you taught people what's okay, you can unteach it and you can train them
00:03:25.520to treat you differently. So here's the action step I'm going to give you. This week, I want
00:03:30.840you to pick one boundary that you've been letting slide just one maybe it's the the time that you
00:03:38.740have gets constantly disrespected maybe people showing up late or texting you late at night at
00:03:46.60011 p.m expecting an immediate reply it could be somebody who makes jokes or or passive aggressive
00:03:53.520statements under their breath at your expense maybe it's the way your wife says that one certain
00:03:59.260thing and you've told her before that you don't like that, whatever it is, decide in advance what
00:04:06.140you're going to say when that happens again. And you don't need to make a big deal of it.
00:04:11.320In fact, I would say the more calm you can be, the more direct, the more clear you can be,
00:04:16.100the better effect that you'll have. And so it might go something like this. Hey, you know,
00:04:20.620i need to be really honest that doesn't work for me or hey i'm not available after 7 p.m that's
00:04:31.040family time but i'll get back to you tomorrow you don't need to be aggressive you don't need to be
00:04:36.660loud and obnoxious and demand that they respect you you just need to establish the boundary
00:04:43.640and put it out there so people know what to expect and by the way this is better for them too
00:04:49.380because you're teaching them what is acceptable behavior and now they don't have to guess about
00:04:55.100how to talk with you but you do need to be consistent the boundaries that you put in place
00:05:01.200without follow-through they're more like suggestions really they're guidelines so
00:05:08.220enforce that line calmly and repeatedly and i think what you'll find is that the dynamic
00:05:14.660between you and that other person starts to shift very very quickly and that can be a challenge if
00:05:20.360you've never done it before but i promise you setting boundaries bringing it up in the moment
00:05:24.580calmly directly will make a huge change in the way people respect you and and by the way this is why0.84
00:05:32.620it's so important that you plan ahead what you're going to say so you don't say something dumb or0.99
00:05:38.540you don't say something aggressive or you don't come off like a jerk that's not what you're trying1.00
00:05:43.040to do. You're just trying to be assertive and put that boundary back in place. All right.0.99
00:05:48.280Number two, this is one I hear all the time. Stop over explaining yourself and stop over
00:05:55.720apologizing. My youngest son does this all the time. Sorry, dad. Sorry, dad. I don't know where
00:06:02.100he gets it because I tell him, I said, Hey, you don't need to be sorry. Or what are you sorry
00:06:05.440about? And many times he can't even explain what he's sorry about, which means that he's using the
00:06:09.860term, sorry, too much. And I think what he's trying to do is get some sort of reassurance that
00:06:15.640he and I still have a good relationship. So we're working on that, but grown men do that too.
00:06:21.260Okay. So let's talk about the explanation part. Stop over explaining yourself.
00:06:25.960Some of those things, they don't require explanation or they don't require an apology.
00:06:31.820And this one is pretty sneaky. This point's pretty sneaky because it usually comes from a good place
00:06:37.160when we over explain or we over apologize. I mean, we over explain because we want people
00:06:42.360to understand us, right? We over apologize because we don't want to seem rude, but here's
00:06:48.820what's actually happening under the hood. When you over explain yourself, you're signaling that you
00:06:56.300need the other person's approval. It's approval seeking. You want them to understand so that they
00:07:03.960can agree with you so you can feel comfortable about about the position you're holding and when
00:07:09.500you apologize unnecessarily what you're also doing is telling them that your needs and your time and
00:07:16.900your attention and your decisions are subject to interpretation or up for debate now please don't
00:07:24.680get me wrong guys if you owe somebody an apology then apologize if somebody's asking for an
00:07:30.300explanation than explain, but be very, very careful of over explaining and over apologizing
00:07:36.440unnecessarily. That's where you're going to start getting yourself in trouble.
00:07:40.340And so I want you to think about the difference between these two responses to turning down a
00:07:45.800request. All right. So version one might be, Hey, I'm so sorry. I just have so much going on right
00:07:52.760now. My schedule is a complete disaster and I've already committed to three other things this week.
00:07:57.880and I really wish I could help and, but, and then fill in the blank with more excuses. Okay.
00:08:03.060That's version one. Version two is, Hey, I won't be able to make that work, but thanks for thinking
00:08:10.040about me though. Same outcome, but completely different energy. And that's what this is about.
00:08:18.180It's about energy. The second version, it's kind. It's not mean spirited. It's warm,
00:08:23.340but it doesn't sacrifice your self-respect in the process so the action step here today is to pay
00:08:31.080attention this week to how often you say i'm sorry when you don't actually owe anybody an apology
00:08:38.500just remove that from your vocabulary unless it's necessary replace those unnecessary apologies with
00:08:46.800acknowledgements instead of sorry i'm late maybe it's thanks for your patience instead of sorry
00:08:55.900to bother you try hey do you have a moment small changes really small changes guys but it does
00:09:04.120make a difference in how you're perceived all right point number three raise your standards
00:09:10.980for how you talk about yourself people take cues from you they're they're watching you
00:09:17.960they're observing you they're they're looking for for hints and how to treat you
00:09:22.720so if you put yourself down constantly making self-deprecating jokes and that's okay to a
00:09:31.160degree right because it exercises and communicates some level of humility but if you minimize your
00:09:36.780achievements like, Oh, that's not a big deal. No, no, no, not me. Or maybe you, you start every
00:09:42.400idea that you want to share with, Hey, I know this might be a dumb idea, or I know this might0.96
00:09:46.580be a stupid question, but what you're doing is you're giving everyone around you permission to0.97
00:09:52.260see you that way too. And again, there's a difference between healthy humility and then1.00
00:09:59.000what I would call just erasing yourself, self-erasure. Humility is I don't have all the
00:10:05.500answers. But self-erasure is saying, yeah, I'm probably wrong, but before you've even made your
00:10:12.300point, why would you do that? Why would you undermine yourself before you've even made the
00:10:16.000point that you want to bring up? Your opinion or your idea is relevant. So share it proudly
00:10:22.540because one of those scenarios builds trust with people and the other scenario erodes it.
00:10:29.100The way you talk about yourself is a form of leadership. You're leading people's perception
00:10:34.440of you. So start talking about yourself the way that you would talk to somebody
00:10:42.100you deeply respect, right? If there's, if there's somebody who in your family that you love and
00:10:49.780care for and respect or, or somebody in your organization that you really have a deep level
00:10:53.680of respect for, you would never, uh, say anything negative about that person to that person. You
00:11:03.260would never undermine their ideas or their thoughts, you wouldn't do that. So don't do it
00:11:07.700to yourself. So your action step for point number three is for this week, for one week,
00:11:15.440just catch yourself every time you're about to put yourself down out loud. Don't do it.
00:11:21.580You don't have to completely swing the opposite direction either. It takes time and practice.
00:11:26.020And I encourage all of us to practice this. And you don't need to start bragging about all of
00:11:31.260your accomplishments but when somebody pays you a compliment say thank you just say thank you not
00:11:37.580oh you know it wasn't that big a deal anybody could have done it no you're talking negatively
00:11:42.020about yourself if you're in if you're in a conference or a work meeting and you've got an0.99
00:11:47.000idea pipe up about it without saying hey this might sound stupid but it doesn't sound stupid0.90
00:11:51.340bring it up without that hey guys i have an idea that i think might work0.97
00:11:55.300if you feel like you're hounding somebody or bothering somebody you don't need to say i'm
00:12:02.920sorry hey i'm sorry to bother you but okay if you start with that and you come to me with that then
00:12:09.200i'm going to think that you're bothering me naturally because you just told me you were
00:12:14.720going to bother me hey i'm sorry for bothering you but means that you're ready to bother me now
00:12:19.120so i've already got walls up instead of that say hey do you have a minute or two i'd like to share
00:12:24.460an idea with you i'd like to talk with you about something i'd like to give you an idea simple
00:12:29.720okay just again you don't need to swing the other way completely but just stop
00:12:36.880and and say nothing or replace those those self-deprecating comments with a neutral statement
00:12:44.400instead of saying something like oh you know i'm terrible with names
00:12:48.800just say hey i'm i'm trying i'm working better i'm working on getting better with names
00:12:54.500you don't have to say you're terrible at things and by the way if you tell yourself you're terrible
00:13:00.560at things like names i'm horrible with names i'm horrible i'm great with faces horrible with names
00:13:04.020everybody says that well yeah you're just training yourself to be horrible with names0.98
00:13:08.540you're not an idiot you can get better at remembering people's names if you're conscious
00:13:15.120about it okay it sounds simple but the shift in how people respond to you is real and you'll feel0.83
00:13:21.880that when you stop minimizing yourself and playing spa all right point number four be reliable just
00:13:29.460do what you say you're going to do and this one might be the most underrated of all and and even
00:13:36.740if you are reliable most people won't acknowledge it but i promise you they're going to treat you
00:13:40.900different than if you aren't. So do what you say you're going to do. Respect is built over time
00:13:45.940through a thousand little moments. And one of the most powerful things that you can do
00:13:52.760is simply be a man who follows through. If you say you're going to send that email by Thursday,
00:13:59.420well, send it by Thursday. If you commit to being somewhere at seven o'clock, be there at
00:14:06.800seven o'clock. And again, this is when I hear a lot to you guys will be late and be like, Oh,
00:14:12.800I mean, I just, I'm horrible at time management. Okay. Well, why would I respect you if you show
00:14:18.720up to a meeting 15 or 20 or 30 minutes late? And the first thing you do is tell me how horrible
00:14:24.380you are at time management, how insulting, because what you're saying is not only is your time not
00:14:29.820important, you're telling me my time's not important. So why would I continue to be invested
00:14:35.860in that type of relationship if I know you're going to disrespect my time.
00:14:41.700If you tell somebody that you're going to think about their request,
00:14:44.940then actually come back with an answer.
00:14:47.460Don't just kick the can down the road.
00:14:50.360I see this a lot too, like even in the dating spaces,
00:14:52.820I talk with men who are actively dating and as I've been dating myself,