Order of Man - July 16, 2021


7 Relationship Pitfalls Every Man Should Avoid ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES


Episode Stats


Length

33 minutes

Words per minute

175.72742

Word count

5,814

Sentence count

490

Harmful content

Misogyny

16

sentences flagged

Hate speech

9

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, Ryan talks about the 7 pitfalls every man should avoid in his relationship with his significant other. He also talks about why it's important for a man to know that he is worshiping the ground that he walks on.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.160 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.720 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
00:00:27.440 I'm the host of the Order of Men podcast and movement. You know by now what we're all about.
00:00:31.920 We're trying to reclaim and restore masculinity. Now, when I say that, some people have questions
00:00:36.660 about what that means. What that means is I'm trying to equip you and empower you with the tools,
00:00:42.840 resources, conversations you need to thrive as men. And a big component of being a man is the
00:00:49.260 intimate relationship that you have with your spouse, your significant other. So that's what
00:00:55.780 we're going to talk about today. Seven key things that you as men should be avoiding in your
00:01:02.120 relationships. Whether you're married, newly married, or veteran married. We're on 17 years
00:01:10.520 now, my wife and I. So I place myself in the veteran category. But some of you guys have been
00:01:15.140 married longer than that, which I commend you for because that is no easy feat. Or at some point,
00:01:20.700 you have the desire to commit to a woman and walk in this life hand in hand with her.
00:01:28.300 This podcast is going to be for you. And also, ladies, I don't normally address you on this podcast
00:01:35.540 because I talk with men primarily, but that's not to say that women don't listen. If you're listening
00:01:42.360 to this and you like what I have to share, how could you not? Then I would suggest to you that maybe
00:01:49.160 you share this episode with your husband. And by the way, don't think this is going to be all about
00:01:56.000 you, ladies. Just because I'm talking about pitfalls to avoid in relationships doesn't mean 0.99
00:02:00.180 that I'm going to make sure that he knows that you are the idol he should worship or that he should
00:02:05.800 be worshiping the ground that you walk on. That's not what this podcast is about. That's not what I'm
00:02:11.220 going to be discussing today, but I can tell you that if your husband does these things, that he
00:02:17.580 will be better off. He will be more fulfilled. He will be more satisfied. And therefore, you in
00:02:25.540 exchange will be as well as will your children. So, before I get into that, one thing I do want to
00:02:33.640 make sure that I ask is that you leave a rating and review. Go in wherever you're listening. Leave your
00:02:39.160 five-star rating and review. It goes a very, very long way, especially in the wake of podcasts wanting
00:02:45.020 to limit what we're doing. Social media accounts wanting to reduce our exposure and reach. We need
00:02:51.980 to counter that with your support. And obviously, you're supporting by listening. I just need you to be a
00:03:00.040 little bit more active than that. I need you to go in, leave the rating review, share this, take a screenshot,
00:03:05.240 tag me if you can. A lot of you still can't tag me on social media. Tag me if you can on social media
00:03:10.300 and let people know what you're listening to. And it's not about what you're listening to. It's about
00:03:15.640 the message that we're sharing and how important it is in society and how you will lead in a time where
00:03:23.820 leaders seem to be diminishing anyways and a time where people really need us as men to step up.
00:03:31.480 So, without further ado, let's get into seven pitfalls that every man needs to avoid in his
00:03:38.160 relationship. We'll start with number one. Guys, first and foremost, do not ditch your friends. Do
00:03:45.480 not ditch your hobbies and activities for her. There's a couple reasons you might do this. Number one
00:03:50.340 is you're enamored with her. You're infatuated with her. Your entire universe at this point may revolve
00:03:59.600 around her or maybe even more nobly that you feel this calling deep within your soul to serve her,
00:04:06.380 to honor her, to respect her. I commend you for having those feelings. And then there's a third
00:04:12.060 component to this about ditching your friends and hobbies. You think you're supposed to.
00:04:18.480 You think this is how relationships go. That once you commit yourself to another woman that 0.98
00:04:24.040 you're supposed to make her your everything. And as I said earlier, that you're supposed to worship
00:04:28.740 the ground that she walks on and her whole entire universe is supposed to revolve around her.
00:04:33.320 That is a recipe for disaster. And so, what I've seen in my own personal life and my relationship
00:04:39.620 with my wife, and I've seen in countless other men's relationships, is they let all of their
00:04:45.760 friends and all of their activities and their hobbies and their interests and their pursuits go
00:04:49.660 because they want to be connected with her. And I get it. I understand it. I can see how you'd go
00:04:54.400 down that route, but I'm telling you, you got to have time set aside each and every week to go to
00:05:01.660 the game with your buddy, to get in the bowling league, to go to jujitsu, to practice archery,
00:05:07.340 to go painting, to go on a nature walk or a hike by yourself, to get involved in hunting. I don't know
00:05:12.600 what your thing is. If you don't have a thing, that might be something worth pursuing. But whatever
00:05:19.120 your thing is, don't leave it. Don't ditch it because you think you're supposed to be with her
00:05:26.920 100% of the time. And ladies, listen up. If you're making your man feel guilty about going to pursue
00:05:34.040 his hobbies and interests and activities, first of all, shame on you for doing it because you'd want
00:05:38.820 the same thing. And second of all, you're not allowing him to become the man that he has the
00:05:45.220 potential to become. You're hindering him. You're stunting his growth because you think he needs to
00:05:51.000 be there every waking minute of every hour to, I don't know, make you feel better about yourself or
00:05:58.300 to help you validate your own sense of self-worth. I don't know what it is. You can answer that
00:06:03.840 question, but you got to answer it honestly. And so, instead of telling him that, hey, I really need
00:06:08.480 you here. You shouldn't go hang out with the guys tonight. Maybe you ought to encourage him to go hang
00:06:12.120 out with the guys. Or that instead of nagging him about training jujitsu or going to work out early
00:06:20.180 in the morning, maybe you ought to say, hey, you know what? You're looking pretty good these days.
00:06:24.700 You've been working out. You've been training and you're losing some belly fat. You're looking
00:06:29.240 stronger. And I'm attracted to that. Maybe that's how you should be supporting rather than say, well,
00:06:34.240 I need you here with help with the kids. Now, granted, you do need help with the kids. And I'm not
00:06:38.140 saying that any man should relinquish his role and responsibility as leader in the home and how
00:06:44.060 he can assist and support around the household. But damn, guys, your life does not revolve around
00:06:51.840 her or at least it shouldn't. And if it does, you know how miserable you are. And maybe your wife
00:06:57.240 feels good because, you know, she's getting a stroke, her ego, but it's a pitfall and it needs
00:07:05.180 to be avoided. So that's number one. Don't ditch your friends and hobbies. If you don't have friends
00:07:09.000 and hobbies, go make some. If something sounds interesting to you, you guys have heard me talk
00:07:14.980 about hunting and jujitsu, for example, a lot. Get into it. Get after it. Go to the gym, meet with
00:07:21.120 other guys, like connect with people, go to business luncheons. You can find guys there who want to
00:07:24.960 connect, who want to improve, who want to get better. Go connect with those guys. So if you ditched all
00:07:30.140 your friends and hobbies and activities, and that's already long dead and gone, start over. This is what
00:07:35.100 you need to do. Number two is don't clam up. All right? Relationships are hard. And frankly, at
00:07:43.520 times, well, I'll just say it this way. Frankly, at times they suck because we don't always see eye
00:07:50.320 to eye. We don't always connect. We have different perspectives and opinions and viewpoints about how
00:07:54.580 we should be raising kids and managing our money and what pursuits we should engage on and how we're
00:07:59.540 spending our money. Like, of course, obviously. Right? So at times it's very easy for us just to
00:08:07.420 want to disengage. You know what? I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore. So I'm out. I'm
00:08:10.660 done. And maybe that doesn't mean you're looking for a divorce or a separation, but maybe you just
00:08:15.160 clam up emotionally, physically, mentally. You're just like, you lock yourself out and you isolate
00:08:21.260 yourself and you pretend like you're some man on an island. And then you wonder why you don't have
00:08:26.700 the attention, why you don't have the influence and credibility and authority with your wife. 0.99
00:08:30.880 It's because you haven't communicated that desire, that concern, that frustration,
00:08:39.220 the goals and ambitions that you have. And you expect, and women do this too. I actually think 0.67
00:08:43.740 women generally are more guilty of this than men are, is that they just assume that we ought to know. 1.00
00:08:50.040 Well, here's a newsflash. We don't know. Men don't know what you want unless you tell us.
00:08:59.560 And isn't that beautiful? We don't have to guess. And you don't have to guess. All you have to do is
00:09:04.360 tell us what you want. But guys, the same goes for you. Your wife doesn't understand you. How could 0.96
00:09:10.800 she? She's a woman. You're a man. You're not going to entirely understand each other unless you open
00:09:18.740 your mouth and you use your vocal cords and you express what's on your mind and what's on your
00:09:24.480 heart and you share this stuff with her. What do you want? What do you desire? How often do you want
00:09:31.840 to have sex? How often do you want to connect? When do you want to date? What do you want to do with
00:09:35.700 our kids? What business ventures should we pursue? What adventure should we go on?
00:09:40.960 Or maybe she's doing something or not doing something that you either appreciate or don't
00:09:47.260 appreciate. Share it. And I'm not talking about just the negative stuff. If she's doing something
00:09:54.280 you like, acknowledge it. Recognize it. Hey, I like that. Or hey, she's wearing that one dress. My wife 0.99
00:10:02.880 has a couple of dresses that when she wears, man, she looks incredible. She always looks great. But
00:10:07.960 those dresses, whatever it is about the way she wears that or hair or something that just is like
00:10:12.900 that's something extra special. Damn, I better communicate that with her because I want her to
00:10:18.880 keep looking like that. I want her to keep behaving like that. This is psychology 101. And some of you
00:10:24.520 guys will think, well, you're manipulating. Maybe. I don't care what you call it. What I think I'm doing
00:10:29.020 is honoring the way that she looks, honoring the way that she shows up. And I'm telling her that I like
00:10:34.540 that. I want more of that. Are you doing this, guys? Are you opening your mouth? Are you sharing
00:10:43.760 the words? Are you expressing your thoughts and your opinions and your beliefs? And it's hard,
00:10:48.520 especially if you've clammed up over years and maybe there's some contention and animosity and a
00:10:52.640 wall and a barrier built up between you and her. How do you tear the wall down? You open your mouth
00:10:58.200 and you communicate the good, the bad, the ugly. You do it respectfully. You do it with tact, but you
00:11:03.960 communicate so she doesn't have to guess. And ladies, you need to do the same thing too. Again, 0.99
00:11:09.580 with tact because it can come across as something that you don't want it to be, which is nagging and
00:11:14.060 bitching and moaning. We're not interested in that, but we are interested in your opinion and we do value
00:11:19.580 what you have to share. So, share it with tact. We'll attempt to do the same. All right. Number three,
00:11:25.920 you need to establish boundaries in two different ways. Now, these are pitfalls. So, I would say if
00:11:32.380 I'm wording it that way, one pitfall is you're ditching your hobbies and friends. The second
00:11:36.960 pitfall is that you close up, you clam up, you don't talk about your feelings and the things that
00:11:40.800 you're experiencing and your heart's desires. Number three is that you haven't set or established
00:11:46.020 any personal boundaries or relational boundaries. So, personal boundaries is what you will and won't
00:11:54.020 tolerate and the expectations of how you'll be treated. And relational boundaries are the things
00:12:00.720 that we do, especially when it comes to having kids. We need to have relationship boundaries.
00:12:05.520 I was running some errands earlier today and I called my wife and I said, hey, hon, you know what?
00:12:09.720 I think next week we need to go on a date. It's been a while. So, we need to call the sitter,
00:12:16.400 have her come over and you and me need to go to this particular antique store that we really enjoy.
00:12:21.440 That wasn't a question. That wasn't like, hey, would you like to do this? I'm setting it up. I'm
00:12:29.080 teeing it up. This is what I want to do. This is my heart's desire. Here's what I'm after. She sees
00:12:33.500 that as leadership. She's all in. We're going to go have a great day next week and it's going to be
00:12:38.600 awesome. But you need to establish these boundaries, guys. You need to communicate them. You need to
00:12:44.640 uphold them. You need to honor them. You need to acknowledge what they are. You need to tell
00:12:48.700 your wife what those things are so she knows. And when she steps over the line, you need to
00:12:55.920 communicate that with her. Hey, I don't like that. And again, there's a way to do it tactfully. You
00:12:59.740 don't need to blow up. I'm not suggesting that. But you do it tactfully with respect and with honor.
00:13:06.220 She's your wife. You've committed to her. You have a relationship with her. You value hopefully that
00:13:10.820 relationship. So, you don't need to be a dick, but you do need to do it tactfully. Here's what I
00:13:16.180 expect. Here's my expectations of our relationship. What expectations do you have of our relationship?
00:13:22.240 You should get her boundaries and figure out what her expectations are as well. Very, very important.
00:13:27.600 But if you're not talking about this because it's uncomfortable or awkward or challenging or you're
00:13:33.120 tired, I mean, I guess that's a route. Probably not the most productive one, but that's certainly
00:13:38.840 something you can do and a route you can take. I wouldn't suggest it because 17 years of experience
00:13:44.420 has told me that we ought to have some boundaries and establish them and communicate them and
00:13:49.400 uphold them. That's number three. Number four, you are, again, pitfalls in your relationship. Number
00:13:57.100 four is you are not showing interest in her interests. So, let me give you an example. My wife
00:14:04.220 might listen to this podcast. So, hon, if you're listening, please understand my intent here,
00:14:12.780 which is to serve the guys who listen. I'm not super interested in some of the things that she's
00:14:19.620 interested in. The other day, she was out in the garden and I know she loves to be in the garden.
00:14:28.220 That's her universe. She just wants to be out there and play in the dirt and pick flowers and prune and 0.94
00:14:34.560 grow and all the things that she does. And you know what? I don't care. I could not care any less
00:14:41.500 about gardening. It just isn't something that matters to me. But I walked out there because I
00:14:48.160 saw her so engaged in this. And I walked out there and I said, hey, why don't you give me a tour of
00:14:52.460 your garden? I don't care about the garden, guys. I don't. I care about her. So, I said, why don't you
00:14:59.760 give me the tour of the garden? And I caught her by surprise. And this is very valuable. I caught her by
00:15:03.920 surprise. And she says, do you want a tour? And the answer to that question, in case you're
00:15:09.000 wondering, is yes, I would love a tour. And that's exactly what I said. Yeah, I would like a tour of
00:15:17.900 the garden. And she was so happy and so engaged and so excited about it. And I was present with her.
00:15:25.120 I made it important. Again, I could not care less about gardening. You know what I care about? Her. 1.00
00:15:32.900 And if she's into gardening, then I'm into it. If she's into beekeeping, then I'm into it.
00:15:39.620 If she's into talking to me about her dreams and desires, then I'm into it. And so, it isn't about
00:15:46.440 what I like and what I don't like and what I'm interested in, what I'm not interested in.
00:15:50.640 It's about what she's interested in, in this particular moment. And I don't have to like
00:15:56.920 gardening to be engaged. And by the way, I wasn't pretending. I'm genuinely excited about her garden,
00:16:04.840 but not the garden. I'm excited about her as the gardener. You see the difference?
00:16:11.880 So, it's not faking it. I'm not pretending that I'm interested. I'm interested in her,
00:16:16.980 which means I need to be interested in the things that she's interested in.
00:16:21.400 Now, I'm not saying I need to turn into the gardener.
00:16:25.720 That I need to, you know, do everything with her. In fact, I want her to have her own things
00:16:30.280 without me, just like I want to have my own things without her.
00:16:34.160 So, I don't need to become the next gardener of the household, but I'm going to tell her I'm
00:16:38.800 interested. Like, I'm fascinated. I'm intrigued. And don't you want to see your woman smile?
00:16:43.920 Don't you want to see her light up? Don't you want to see her engaged and excited? I mean,
00:16:49.860 I can't tell you it from, I hear from so many guys and here's what they complain about. Oh,
00:16:54.880 my wife, you know, she's not interested and she's not motivated in things. And I don't know, man.
00:17:02.220 Maybe there's an opportunity for you as men to foster something here. You know, one day I was listening
00:17:08.900 to a podcast. I can't remember what podcast it was, but somebody had mentioned a beekeeping book
00:17:15.520 that I had never heard of, obviously, because I don't, again, care about beekeeping. I don't like
00:17:21.760 bees. They're actually fascinating animals, but I don't like them because I don't want to get stung
00:17:25.120 by one. But she likes them, so I like them. So, I heard this book recommendation. I jumped on Amazon.
00:17:30.160 It took me two minutes. It cost me, I don't know, $14 or whatever it was. And I had the book sent to
00:17:36.060 her. Easy, simple. And it went such a long way. You know what? Frankly, I don't even know if she's
00:17:46.400 cracked that book. That doesn't matter. That wasn't the point. The point was I care about the things
00:17:51.920 that you care about and I care about you. And here's one simple way that cost me two minutes
00:17:57.740 and $14 and it shows how much I care about you. And one of the pitfalls men fall into
00:18:04.060 is they don't show interest in them, in their wives. And so, these are the guys you hear from.
00:18:09.460 Mom, my wife, she doesn't like to do anything and she's unmotivated and she's not on the self-development 0.88
00:18:14.660 journey. Maybe she's not on your path, but there's got to be something she's interested in.
00:18:19.180 And what a tremendous opportunity to lead her effectively and foster some sort of self-improvement,
00:18:27.580 whether that's gardening or beekeeping or cooking or pursuing a career or education or whatever.
00:18:34.800 But she's going to leave some little clues about the things that she's interested in
00:18:38.360 and you ought to listen to them and then you ought to act on them.
00:18:43.120 They're going to be subtle at first. Like, oh, you know, I really like watching this YouTube
00:18:48.240 channel. My wife watches this elderly couple and they garden. And the guys, they're just a funny,
00:18:58.240 quirky, elderly couple. And she loves it. And so, it's subtle. She's like, oh, I like this YouTube
00:19:03.380 channel. That's subtle. But if you pay attention, you can see it's about gardening. Okay. Well,
00:19:08.740 that's something she's interested in. You ought to explore it. All right. That's number four.
00:19:12.660 Number five. One of the pitfalls men fall into is that they stop courting their wife.
00:19:20.400 Right? Because what did you do when you courted your wife? What did you do when you first saw her?
00:19:23.460 What did you do when you asked her on a date and took her on her first date? You got up. You got
00:19:26.760 ready. You exerted yourself. You put on the best clothes, the things that you think you look the best
00:19:32.400 in. You groomed yourself well. You were on your best behavior. You were trying to court her and woo her
00:19:38.160 over and tell her how much that you cared about her and how beautiful she was. And then we get
00:19:43.120 married. And after the first several months or several years, we think, oh, this is just life.
00:19:51.640 And I don't have to do that anymore. And we become sedated and we become complacent. And that
00:19:57.720 complacency ends up demolishing our relationships because we don't continue to court her. Like a lot
00:20:04.800 of you guys are acting like you don't have anything to lose. But you know what? I also hear from a lot
00:20:09.560 of guys who are going through separations and divorces right now who say, I would do anything
00:20:14.160 to make sure this wasn't the case. Okay. Well, those of you who aren't going through a separation
00:20:19.820 and divorce, here's something you ought to pay attention to. These guys who are say they would do
00:20:25.320 anything to ensure that wasn't the case. And if all it means is that you continue to court her,
00:20:31.260 that you appreciate her, that you pursue, there's a difference between pursue and chase. I've talked
00:20:38.080 about that in other podcasts, but that you continue to pursue her and you continue to date her and you
00:20:44.760 go out of your way to make her feel special. It's going to be less likely that you're going to end in
00:20:50.000 this stagnant, complacent relationship that so many men fall into and then complain to me about
00:20:54.460 going through their separation or divorce. I don't want you to get to that point
00:20:58.360 because it messes with you, man. I went through a long separation with my wife and it messes with
00:21:06.020 you. It was one of the darkest times of my life. And all I had to do was continue to court her,
00:21:14.020 to date her the way that I did when we were teenagers. Don't let it go, guys. Don't let it
00:21:19.580 go. Use the guys who, what's the phrase? A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from
00:21:26.720 the mistakes of others. Look at other guys. Their relationships are in shambles. Why? I'm telling
00:21:32.260 you exactly why. The seven reasons it is. Don't do this. Continue to court and date her. Number six 0.95
00:21:40.840 is do not undermine your credibility, right? There's all sorts of things that we can do to undermine our
00:21:47.640 own credibility and authority with our lives, all right? And the things that we do are we don't take
00:21:54.520 care of ourselves. We eat like shit. We get belligerently drunk to the point we can't even
00:22:03.360 stand up, let alone protect the way we're supposed to. We sleep in like the natural man you guys have
00:22:10.940 heard me talk about. Lazy, fat, slothful, covetous, immediate gratification, wants the results without
00:22:21.740 the effort. And all of that stuff, those are little cues. Those are little indicators and your wife is
00:22:26.640 watching you. Your wife and your kids, they're watching you. And when you sleep in past the time
00:22:33.380 you should sleep in or you get belligerently drunk to the point where you can't even stand on your own
00:22:38.800 two feet or you lose your shit because you happen to be a little angry or had a bad day. 0.85
00:22:43.600 Little chinks in the armor. That's what it is. Little chinks in the armor. And then you'll start 1.00
00:22:50.260 adding up and adding up and adding up and she gets to know you and you can become, if I can say this,
00:22:56.640 begin to look inferior in her eyes or inadequate or enable, I should say unable. I don't think
00:23:04.300 enables a word, but unable to perform your duties as a father and husband and you did it to yourself.
00:23:10.700 Now, I'm not saying that some women don't judge us irrationally, but I think a lot of the times 0.67
00:23:23.400 they're looking at it and they've been exposed to you, maybe the real you, without your little shiny
00:23:34.720 coat of armor on that you were wearing when you were courting her. So, don't undermine yourself.
00:23:41.660 Don't become your own worst enemy. How do you do that? You get up on time. You work out. You eat
00:23:47.320 right. You find meaningful pursuits to engage in. You make yourself better. You improve your skill set.
00:23:54.480 You develop that skill set. You make more money. You learn how to communicate effectively.
00:23:59.260 You don't let your emotions get the better of you. You don't make stupid decisions. You don't act on those
00:24:07.000 emotions entirely. You don't get yourself in vulnerable positions like, you know, being alone with other
00:24:13.860 women or going out with the guys and getting shit faced. Like, these are all things that are going to 0.91
00:24:18.440 undermine you as a leader and they're going to make you look weak and cowardly and pathetic. And if you want
00:24:24.180 to have authority and influence with your wife, then you can't look weak and cowardly and pathetic.
00:24:28.720 Now, that's not to say that you can't articulate and communicate with her things that are challenging
00:24:35.560 in her life, excuse me, in your life. But if you're always complaining and griping and moaning and
00:24:42.920 bitching and sleeping in and 30% body fat and not pursuing hobbies and interest in activities and not
00:24:49.860 getting the promotions, I mean, I know you're not satisfied, but do you honestly expect her to be?
00:24:59.460 Give me a break. Would you be? If that's the kind of partner you were with, of course you wouldn't.
00:25:07.200 So, don't be your own worst enemy. Become your best ally in that you're going to take care of yourself.
00:25:15.040 You're going to get out of bed. You're going to go work out. You're going to eat properly.
00:25:18.940 You're going to develop your skill sets. You're not going to fly off the rails. You're not going
00:25:23.320 to become emotional. You're always level. You're capable of honoring your commitments to protect
00:25:30.380 and provide and preside for and over her and the kids. Don't diminish your role. Don't step off of
00:25:40.200 the mantle of husband. And that's an honorable calling, guys. That's a noble pursuit. Don't step
00:25:49.440 down from it because you want to get shit-faced. Or that other woman happens to be looking pretty 1.00
00:25:58.480 good right now while you're shit-faced. Or you want to be lazy. Don't. Don't do it.
00:26:08.600 All right. And then the last point that I want to make is that when it comes to pitfalls,
00:26:16.400 I think a lot of men will improve themselves for the wrong reason. And what they'll do is they'll
00:26:25.940 attempt to improve themselves for their wives. And I don't think that's totally wrong.
00:26:33.760 It's just an inferior motive for self-improvement. The superior motive for self-improvement is,
00:26:43.420 I already said it, for yourself. So, if the only reason you want to get better and improve is so
00:26:50.660 she doesn't leave you or that you can improve your marriage or that you can get her to come back if
00:26:54.760 you're in the midst of a divorce or separation is, I got to improve. I got to get better. And if I do,
00:26:58.860 then she'll come back. Not a good motive. I tried it. It doesn't work. It doesn't work.
00:27:05.380 It looks desperate. It looks weak. It is weak. Why are you doing it for somebody else? Why are you
00:27:11.240 losing weight for somebody else? Why are you improving your finances for somebody else? Why?
00:27:17.720 Probably because you really don't actually care about that particular path. You just think
00:27:21.940 that that will work. You're gaming the system and she's going to sniff right through that. 0.99
00:27:26.080 And she's going to see, oh, he's desperate. And what woman is attracted to a desperate man?
00:27:34.760 You know who women are attracted to? Ladies, correct me if I'm wrong. A man that doesn't need her. 1.00
00:27:45.320 Don't lie to yourself, ladies. Tell me the truth. Are you more attracted to a man that needs you, 0.92
00:27:51.420 that clings to you, that's desperate? Or are you more attracted to a man who's capable of standing
00:27:56.040 on his own two feet, independent of you, and can take care of his own? That guy's more appealing to
00:28:06.200 you. So the motive, well, the pitfall is improving for your woman, your wife.
00:28:12.760 The antidote to that is not doing that and instead improving for yourself.
00:28:21.680 Improve for yourself. How much better are you going to feel when you lose 30 pounds?
00:28:25.720 How much better are you going to feel when you're sober? How much better are you going to feel when
00:28:29.980 you secure the promotion because you put forth the effort over the individual that would have got it
00:28:35.240 otherwise? How much better are you going to feel when you pay off the debt? Make it about you in this
00:28:42.400 instance. The motive has to be you. I want to improve. I want to feel better. I want to be
00:28:49.540 fulfilled. I want to pursue meaningful hobbies and ventures and activities. And she'll see that.
00:28:54.560 She'll recognize that. She'll acknowledge that you did it for the right reason and notice that your
00:29:00.560 improvement also is going to help serve her as your wife, as the mother potentially of your children.
00:29:08.940 Don't do it for the wrong reasons, guys. It's never a good idea to improve for somebody else.
00:29:15.700 Always improve for yourself and know that as you improve, the people around you are going to be
00:29:21.560 the beneficiary of that. As I lose weight and get better and get stronger and develop more
00:29:25.660 financial acumen and grow the business and do all the things I should be doing,
00:29:29.680 naturally, my wife's going to be served by that. My children are going to be served by that. 0.97
00:29:33.740 The people I care about, neighbors, even complete strangers are going to be served
00:29:37.400 by my ability to improve capacities in physical fitness and the financial realm and all aspects
00:29:43.820 of life. But do it for the right reasons and then let the consequences, the ramifications just flow as
00:29:50.660 they will. Let the chips fall where they may. If you do it for the right reasons, everything will work
00:29:54.660 out. I can assure you that it'll all work out. So guys, let me recap seven pitfalls to avoid
00:30:00.840 in your relationships. Number one, don't ditch your hobbies and friends.
00:30:08.640 Keep those in check. Number two, don't close up. Open up. Share. Use your words like a big boy.
00:30:17.720 Share everything. Here's my heart's desires. Here's what I want. Here's my ambitions. Here's how I'm going
00:30:22.660 to make it happen. You don't need to complain. I'm not saying that, but share what you're experiencing.
00:30:27.260 Number three, establish personal and relational boundaries. Number four is that you don't show
00:30:35.000 interest in her interests. Like you disengage. She's interested in this thing and you think
00:30:39.380 that's her thing. And so you're like, I don't care about that. And I get it. You don't have to care
00:30:42.480 about everything immensely the way she does, but you should care that she cares about it. Number five
00:30:48.400 is that you would stop courting her. Continue to court her. Continue to date. Continue to pursue.
00:30:54.140 Not chase. Pursue. You can go back and listen to another podcast. I don't know which one it is,
00:30:59.300 but you can go back and find it. Number six is undermining your credibility. Don't. Don't do dumb
00:31:05.280 things and make continual dumb decisions. Be the leader. Establish yourself as the leader through
00:31:10.900 your actions and your words and your behavior. And number seven is that the pitfall is that you're
00:31:15.460 improving for the wrong reasons. The antidote to that is improving for the right reasons, which is
00:31:19.780 I want to be fulfilled. I want to make myself a more capable man. And then acknowledge that the people
00:31:25.920 in your life are going to be served when you do. That's it guys. Simple. Not always easy.
00:31:32.960 Isn't going to happen overnight. By the way, if you've messed up on all of these areas, which I can
00:31:36.940 confidently say that I have, then it's going to take you days and weeks and months and years of
00:31:44.940 implementing this. But I can assure you, if you write this down and you should write these down
00:31:50.020 and ask yourself every day, are these pitfalls that I'm, that I'm falling into, or am I,
00:31:55.240 am I doing the right things? I can assure you, if you do the right things, you will feel better,
00:32:00.040 which is objective number one. And your wife will be better served. You guys will be deeply connected.
00:32:05.800 You will have the intimacy emotionally and even physical intimacy that you desire.
00:32:10.300 Your kids will be better served. You're just going to lead a better life.
00:32:14.680 And that's what you want. That's what we all want. So do that. All right, guys, we're going to be back
00:32:22.760 next week. Until then, go out there, take action, avoid these seven relational pitfalls,
00:32:31.000 and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
00:32:36.740 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
00:32:40.740 We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.
00:32:43.880 We'll see you next week.
00:33:03.360 We'll see you next week.