7 Strategies for Becoming a Better Father ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode, I talk about the importance of being a good father to your kids, and how you can be a better one. I also talk about 7 ways you can become a better dad this weekend, and what you can do to be a good one.
Transcript
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And she broke a world record for being the fastest in that event for a blind woman.
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And I might get a little emotional as I say this, but you are the pacer.
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You're that pace car, or you're that person running next to that woman to break a world record.
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Guys, there's a man somewhere in your family tree who decided what kind of father that you'd have to either overcome or live up to.
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And right now, today, you are, if you're a father, that man for somebody else.
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you know it's it's it's the boy who watches how you handle a flat tire or or your daughter and
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she might be quietly deciding what is what what a man is allowed to make her feel uh and and you
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don't get to opt out of that you only get to decide whether you're doing well or you're doing
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it by default obviously father's day is coming up this weekend and i want to do something more
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useful than just hand you a card, give you a pat on the back, give you an ugly tie or some socks
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or whatever it is. Because the reality is, is that fatherhood isn't just, it's not just a hobby
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that you're good or bad at. It's, I believe, the single most consequential leadership role
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that most men will ever hold. And the reality also is that most men just, we don't train for
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it. You know, look at, look at the data. It's, it's staggering and it stops just being some
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sort of sentimental feel good idea. Kids risk of kids who are raised without an engaged father
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are way more likely to end up in poverty, way more likely to drop out of school, uh, to land
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themselves in prison, to struggle even with their own relationships decades later. And we have spent
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a generation, probably even more than that, pretending that fathers are just optional. And
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society tells you that you're not important. You hear it all the time with the feminist movement,
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we don't need no man. Well, that's nice, but your kids do. They do. They need you.
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it's it's it's that having a father around is is optional that it's a nice bonus that it's a good
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second income stream and it's not just that because the absence of a father who's present
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and engaged and principled leaves a hole and then society quite literally spends billions and
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billions of dollars trying to fill with programs and prisons and pharmaceutical companies and drugs
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and all these other things. And here's the point that I think I hope really lands for you
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is that good fathers, we don't just prevent disaster. It's not a fail-safe program.
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Good men, we produce something. A man that fathers well is quite literally forging
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the next set of men and women who will carry our standards that we pass into them in a world
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that's really running low on standards and principles. And that's not just some side quest
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or side program or nice to have. That's your mission. That is quite literally the mission of
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men. So I want to get really practical with you today. Seven ways to be a better father. Not
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theory, not platitudes, not congratulatory celebration for the things you are not doing,
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but the things that you can actually do this weekend. Seven things. Number one, men, we have
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to be present, not just around. Presence, not proximity, I would say. Your kids don't need
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simply more hours from you. They need your attention. And there's a difference between a
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man who's in the house just as a, as a fixture or, or as, as sentient as the lamp or the couch
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that people sit on and a man who's actually with his family. Okay. You can sit on the same couch
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with your son for three hours and give him nothing because your eyes are on this little,
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this little device or your mind is on what's happening Monday at the meeting. But presence
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is a decision that you make with your attention. And it's not just your calendar. It's your
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attention. When you're with them, be with them. Put the phone away. Put it in another room.
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Look your children in the eye. Kids are really good at
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seeking out BS. They know the difference between a dad who's listening and a dad who's
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just like waiting for them to finish or them to finish so he can get back to whatever he was doing.
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Give them the real deal. It really costs you nothing but a little bit of time, attention,
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focus. And it's really, from where I stand, it's the most valuable currency you have.
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number two model the man that you want them to become your kids are not going to become who you
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tell them to be and i get this because it's hard it's way harder to actually live up to your own
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ideals than it is just to flap your gums they will become largely who you are you know you can
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lecture your son and your daughter about integrity for an hour or longer and then do all of it the
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moment that he watches you take a shortcut or cut a corner when you think nobody's looking.
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You can tell your daughter she deserves a guy who treats her with respect and then
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ingrained into her something entirely different by how you talk with her mom.
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This is the heaviest one. So we really need to sit with this. Your behavior is their curriculum.
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and we often talk about how the public school system is failing our kids are we are we failing
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our children what is our discipline or lack thereof teach them or our temper or how we handle
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a setback or whether or not we keep our word that's the curriculum that's the lesson plan
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and and the class unlike public school where it's you know eight to three or eight to four
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is always, always in session when it comes to you.
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but you do have to be honest and you have to be trying
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when I can own my mistakes in front of my kids,
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or hey, I'm sorry for the way that I treated you,
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that teaches them something way more powerful than a father who just pretends that he doesn't
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make any mistakes at all. So be the kind of man that you want your sons to be and be the kind of
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man that you wish your daughter will be with. That is the most important thing you can do.
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All right, number three, you have to be able to administer discipline without losing the
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relationship. And this one's hard. This one's hard for me because every time my kids aren't
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disciplined or push back on something that I suggest or, or demand, I feel a loss of respect
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from them. So it's really difficult for me. And this is one I've had to work on quite a bit
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personally. And I think a lot of men get this one backwards in one of two ways. Some go just
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completely soft right it's that it's that soft parenting they want to be their their kids's
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best friend so they never hold a line and they raise a kid with no spine and no respect for
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boundaries maybe they've been given everything and so they don't know what it's like to be told
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no or to have a boundary in place and then conversely some men just go way too hard
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this is this was more along the lines of what i did we confuse fear for respect and and and we win
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every single battle that we might have with our kids but we lose the war and i don't think it's
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maybe that's not even the best way to say it because it's not a battle with your kids but
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i hope you understand what i'm saying is that you can win an argument you can get your kids to
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comply through threat of discipline or punishment or restriction. But is that what you're wanting
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to do? Or are you trying to raise good men and women? Because the kind of kids that men like
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that raise are the ones who grow up and cannot wait to get away from you. I think that real
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discipline is about teaching not punishing it's not punitive it's educational the root of the word
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teaching is to instruct your job is not to make your kid afraid of the consequences if he or she
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doesn't do what you tell them to it's to help them build that internal barometer the internal
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governor that means that they don't need you just standing and hovering over them all the time
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and that requires you to be really really consistent they have to know where the lines are
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and it requires you to be calm and cool and collected it requires correction
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delivered in an appropriate way because if you deliver it in rage it teaches them
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about your temper and your lack of control, not their behavior. And that's what we're trying to
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audit is their behavior. We want our kids to behave differently. We don't want to teach them
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that we're out of control or that our behavior is the problem. It requires that your children
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never doubt, even when you're holding a very hard line, that you are in their corner, that you care
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about them, that you love them, that you want them to thrive and win and succeed. Number four, guys,
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I'm asking you to do some hard things today. Number four is to let your kids struggle.
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You do. You have to let them struggle. It runs against every instinct that you have,
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especially if you grew up without much for yourself and you swore to your kids or yourself
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that your kids would not experience what you did as a kid.
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You're trying to make your own ego feel better.
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And what's really happening is you're crippling your kids.
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You know, that kid who's never allowed to fail,
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never allowed to feel the weight of a hard thing,
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of making dumb decisions like we all do as kids,
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becomes an adult who crumbles the first time
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while they learn to shoulder their own weight and then of course to be there to be steady to be a
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beacon of strength and hope and and and stability when when they stumble or when they're in trouble
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but you've got to let your son lose the baseball game and just sit and wallow in it a little bit
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you have to let your daughter wrestle with that hard assignment at school or that breakup with
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her boyfriend instead of just doing it for her or rescuing her or telling her that she's amazing
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just because she is you have to resist the urge to rescue your kids because every time
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that you attempt to solve a problem that they could have solved themselves you're what you're
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really doing is you're teaching them that you don't believe they're capable of doing it
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believe in them believe in yourself believe in humanity even that they're tough enough and
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strong enough and and courageous enough and resilient enough to just let life be a little
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hard the caveat to that is that if your kids are in imminent danger of course we're going to come
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in our motto is protect provide preside there's going to be times where i have to protect my
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children. And there's going to be other times where it's more like me protecting my own feelings
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than it is protecting them. All right, number five, you have to tell them who they are.
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Your children are in their most formative years right now. They are trying to figure out who they
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are on this spinning rock. They're trying to figure out their identity. And they're desperate,
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and they may not ever admit it but if you don't tell them who they are or or even who you expect
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them to be guess who will the world the the the filthy degenerate entertainers of the world will
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tell them the filthy degenerate politicians will tell them the school teachers who don't have your
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best interest or your children's interest at heart will tell them. And they'll believe it
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because children are looking to authority. They don't know what to do. You can see it in a child
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who's two or three years old and they'll look at you like, daddy, what are we doing? Where do we go?
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They're looking for advice and guidance. The world is not kind. The world is not righteous.
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it's not even accurate what the world teaches our children it's gross it's degenerate it's
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devoid of principle you can see it in the transgender issues you can see it in the way
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that we open up our borders you can see it in the way that we view race in america
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you can see it in every aspect of life. It's gross. It's harmful. So I think that we could
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do a better job of praising our children. And when they do good, like what good do you see in them?
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What, what should they be proud of? What did they accomplish that was on them?
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And it's not empty praise. And I'm willing to be honest about my kids. Like when my kids don't do
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well and they say, what do you think, dad? I'm like, I don't think you performed your best.
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if one of my sons says, hey, dad, what'd you think about the game? I would tell him, hey,
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I'm frustrated because I think you had more in you. And I think you left it on the field,
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didn't leave it on the field. I think you brought it back with you. What do you think?
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But then if they do well, I celebrate that. I honor that. I respect that. I call it the
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American Idol syndrome where so many parents will just tell their kids, you're great. You're
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wonderful. You can sing. You can do so great. And then they go into the world and they stand
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in front of Simon Cowell on American Idol, or America's Got Talent, I think it is now,
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and he rips them to shreds because at least he's willing to be honest where you weren't.
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Kids can see through, hey, good job, bud, you did good. But if you really observe what they're
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doing and you tell them, hey, I saw how you stood up for that kid when no one else would,
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that's courage. That's what Micklers do. And that's who you are.
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you're going to get to hand them a narrative an identity a belief system that they will carry
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around for decades even if it doesn't feel like it sticks immediately make it a real one make it
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a true one make it a principled one make it a strong one and tell them that you love them
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my children my oldest son who's 18 years old and all of my kids will do this
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they will say in front of their friends, dad, I love you. And I will say, I love you in front
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of their friends. I'm not embarrassed about that. I'm not ashamed about that. I will tell them in
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front of their friends, I'm proud of you for who you're being. I'm proud of the way that you showed
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up. I'm proud of the way you did that thing. And by the way, I also tell that to their friends too,
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that I'm familiar with because there might not be a man in those kids' lives who are telling them
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that. A lot of us were raised by men who, who did love us, but they never expressed it. And then we
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felt this big gap. You don't, don't pass that down. Love on your kids, emotionally, mentally,
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physically, hug them, put your arm around them, cry with them. You know, not, not at the expense
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All right, number six, build something together.
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Connection does not happen when you sit a kid down
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I really want to talk with you about how your day was.
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they kids don't want to do that they want to do something shoulder to shoulder in in doing
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especially boys we we as men we open up sideways women open up face to face men open up sideways
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so not across a table but while you're both working on something when's the last time you
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taught your kid how to change a tire when's the last time you just sat and built lego with them
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And then the conversation that you're hoping to have
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or fixing plumbing or painting or building websites.
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And I'm not saying that they're always going to be real excited about that, right?
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Like when I tell my kids, hey, I need help with this thing, they're like, ugh.
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But if I make it fun and engaging, and even if I don't, they're going to remember that forever.
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because the beauty in that is that your kids will get to see you solve problems.
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They'll see you frustrated, but push through it and finish it, complete the task. That's the
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memory that they need. That's a lesson that will be embedded into their code, into their DNA.
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And guys, the last point that I want to make on this Father's Day weekend is I really want you
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a father from a full tank. This one might be the hardest for men. You cannot give your kids
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the steadiness and the stability and the strength they need that you don't have.
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If you're suffering or you're running on empty, or you have no mission of your own,
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no brotherhood, no physical discipline, no spiritual growth, you have nothing to draw on
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when your kids need you the most. I know this because this was me. I showed up irritable and
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distracted, very reactive, impatient. I had nothing left in the tank. And this is why your
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own development isn't selfish. It's actually the foundation for development in your children.
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The work that you do on yourself, the standards you hold for your own body and your mind and your
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soul, that's character. That's what fills the tank that you're going to be drawing from,
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siphoning from, to give to your children for the next potentially 20 years.
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Take care of yourself, guys. It's okay. It's not selfish. The way that I view selfishness
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is you're doing something at the expense of others. But I don't think it's selfish to do
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something for yourself that aligns with the interests of the people that you have a responsibility
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for. So I don't think it's selfish for me to wake up early and go to the gym because it aligns with
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what my children need from me. I don't think it's selfish to go on a hunting trip every once in a
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while, not all the time, but every once in a while, because me going to spend time with my friends
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doing something that I love, pursuing something meaningful and exciting to me, lets me come back
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more engaged and aligns with what they need from me as their father. That is not how I define
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selfishness. Now, do you get some benefit from it? Of course. But because in its alignment with
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their goals or what they need from you, you can take the negative connotation of selfishness out
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of it. Now, look, if I went on every hunting trip that was presented to me, then I'd be gone every
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single weekend. And that would be selfish because at that point we've crossed the boundary from
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self-care to distancing myself from my children and being not present, like one of the points we
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talked about earlier. So that would be selfish. Take care of yourself so you have something to
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give. Surround yourself with other men who hold you to a standard. I don't believe that the father
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of our, excuse me, the quality of our fathering or the quality of our life in general will outpace
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the quality of our skillset? How could it? How could you produce the amount of wealth that you
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want to produce if you are lazy? How could you produce the types of relationships that you want
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in your life if you don't love yourself, if you hate yourself?
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how can you raise your children in righteousness if you are not righteous?
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How can you do that? You can't. You have to be the barometer by which your children measure
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themselves. Not as a comparison trap, not as I can't ever step outside of my father's shadow,
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not at all. Because the other things I talked about are important as well,
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but you have to be the benchmark. I was watching this beautiful clip the other day
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and it was this woman and it's probably maybe even at this point a decade old it's this it's this
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female athlete and obviously she's very talented fit she can run um it's just an incredible athlete
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and she's blind and there's a man running but beside her and you can see it he's he she can
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feel him maybe maybe it's his arm or his leg rubbing against her as she runs he's probably
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communicating verbally to her, although the video does not show the exchange they have.
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And she broke a world record for being the fastest in that event for a blind woman
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because she had somebody pacing for her. She had that man pacing for her. You are that man.
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And I might get a little emotional as I say this, but you are the pacer.
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you're that pace car or you're that person running next to that woman to break a world record
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that's your job guys and it's a good job it's a righteous it's a virtuous
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job it's it's it's needed more than you might imagine or maybe you do fully imagine
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maybe you do fully know maybe your dad wasn't around and you get it or maybe he was
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or maybe he passed away and that was the greatest loss you ever experienced.
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Obviously, this is Father's Day weekend. It's a big deal.
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Don't dismiss the value you add to society. Don't let other people dismiss what you do.
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Don't let society and culture and entertainment and academia make a mockery of the way that we
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show up as men. It is not to be mocked. It is to be celebrated. It's to be honored. It's to be
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embraced. Be present, guys. Model masculinity and manliness. Discipline your children with love.
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Let them struggle under your watchful care. Tell them who they are. Build things together.
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and father from that full tank we just talked about.
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Don't try to fix everything in the next 48 hours
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because your kids and maybe your wife are going to be like,
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And they may not believe you or may not be bought in,
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Maybe it's letting them come into the workshop and build something with you.
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Maybe it's not rescuing them every time they run into a problem.
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Just pick one, the hardest, the one that landed most for you, the hardest thing.
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And there's a reason that one of those things probably really landed for you.
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And then act on it this weekend while it's here, while it's in front of you.
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say the words that you've been meaning to say. No one's going to do this for you. Nobody can do
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it for you. And even if I could or somebody else could, it won't land as well as it can from coming
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from you. If I tell your children that they are loved, that means nothing compared to you saying,
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hey kids, I love you. Your kids didn't choose to be here and you didn't either.
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you you brought them into this world it's hard it's it's beautiful it's amazing but it's hard
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and the kind of men and women that they'll become will be shaped more than anything else and I hope
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this is true by you and how you showed up or how you didn't so this uh father's day be the guy who
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shows up. And not just this weekend, but every single day for the rest of their lives. I've often
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said that a man's job as a father is to render himself obsolete. And that is true. I still stand
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by that. Your job is to render yourself obsolete, but that doesn't mean that when they go out into
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the big wide world on their own, that you aren't going to be there for them. My oldest son just
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graduated. He's going out on his own. He's going to college and he's playing sports in college.
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and you know it's like i still want to be there and present every day all day i want to be present
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for him it's going to be different the dynamics going to be different i'm still important in his
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life so guys if you're a father first first and foremost well last and foremost i wish you a happy
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father's day where all of society or much of is telling you that you're a joke that you're a
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mockery that masculinity is inherently bad and that you don't know what you're doing and you
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You are the person that your children look up to
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what a beautiful day. Enjoy your family, but remember it with those seven points in mind.
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Go work on yourself. And if you need some pointers or tips, we'll be here. The Iron Council is a
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great resource. We have fatherhood channels, a lot of guys talking about how to be better fathers
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because it is such a pressing issue. Head to orderofman.com slash ironcouncil. All right,
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guys, we will be back on Tuesday for an interview. Until then, go out there, take action, become
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the father that you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
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You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
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We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.