7 Traps to Avoid in 2020 ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
7 Traps to Avoid in 2020: Tips to Avoid as we move into the new year. - What are the 7 Traps you want to avoid as you move into 2020? What are your goals for the year and what are the things you need to be mindful of as you prepare for it?
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
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and I am the host and the founder of this podcast and the movement that is Order of Man. I want to
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welcome you back, and I want to welcome you here. This is going to be a great resource if you're just
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finding us and stumbling upon us for the first time. This is going to be powerful for you as we
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move into 2020. I know most of you listening have some big, audacious, ambitious goals,
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and it's my goal and objective to help you accomplish those things. To that end, we are
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interviewing the world's most successful men. These are scholars, athletes, warriors,
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New York Times bestselling authors, entrepreneurs, any man who is successful in his own right and has
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some information to share with us. It's my job to interview those guys and bring the conversations
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to you. We've had just an absolutely incredible lineup in 2020 is going to be just as good, if not
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better than it has been over the past almost five years now. Today, you are listening to
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your Friday Field Notes. I've got an interesting one, sure to be polarizing, and I'm going to talk
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about seven tips or maybe not tips, traps, I should say. Seven traps to avoid as we move into 2020.
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Before I do that, let me just share with you something that I've used over the past week or two
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Let's jump into the conversation today. We are going to be talking about seven traps to avoid in
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2020. Now I made a post about this on Instagram and Twitter and all the places, by the way,
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you can check that out at Ryan Mickler. My last name is spelled M I C H L E R. If you're interested
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and talked about these seven traps. And I think for the most part, everybody understood. But there
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was some pushback because this is polarizing. Anytime you talk about behavior and patterns and
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activities, obviously not everybody's going to agree. So in an attempt to explain what these seven
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traps are and also bring some context to the conversation. I thought I'd do that here on this
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Friday field notes because when you post things on social media in absolutes, you're inevitably
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going to get people who disagree and that's fine. I have no problem with that. And you're going to get
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people who either don't want to see the context or they can't see the context more often than not.
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I think it's people who don't want to see the context. And it's funny to me because you see these
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guys, they're obviously intelligent, but I've never been so fascinated with somebody's desire to
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play dumb in order to appear smart. It's a really silly tactic. So what these guys will say is,
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is they'll say, well, in this situation, I realize everything that I talk about and everything that
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anybody else talks about always has exceptions. And I wanted to bring some clarity to that.
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And we're bound to agree on some of these and we're bound to disagree on others. So I'd love to
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continue to have an intelligent discussion, a thoughtful discussion, a respectful discussion,
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and continue the conversation offline or in the comments. So let's jump into it guys. Again,
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seven traps to avoid in 2020. Uh, number one, pornography. Again, these are going to be
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polarizing. I understand, but I think there is enough research out there that suggests and shows
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that pornography is not good for us. You know, these, these seven traps I'm going to talk with you
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about today are things, behaviors, actions, patterns, beliefs that a lot of men fight very,
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very hard to justify and rationalize. And, uh, I think this first one is a real danger to who you
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are as a man, to women and to society in general. Now I know there's been a lot of chatter about
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regulating pornography. Uh, and is that something the government should do? My belief is that,
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no, that's not something the government should do. People are adults. You can make your own
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decisions. Obviously you don't need me to approve or disprove of, of, of anything that you may be
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engaged in. It's certainly not the government's place, but I would say that we ought to make the
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conscious decision to avoid pornography altogether. It rewires the brain. Uh, it makes us think
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differently about women and intimacy and sex in general. Uh, it's, it's unhealthy. It certainly
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is unhealthy for women and men who engage in pornography. And you're contributing to that by
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you're watching and use of pornography. Uh, there's all sorts of reasons. And in addition to that,
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it's, it's not, you give away your power when, when you watch pornography and you rub one out.
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Uh, there's a lot of research out there that suggests that even semen retention is something
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that's very, very powerful, uh, which I am going to be talking about in the future and bringing on some
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guests. Cause I don't know enough about it, but there's a lot of reasons why I think it's in our
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best interest to avoid pornography altogether. There's the lust and there's the thoughts and
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there's the unhealthy, uh, view of, of sex. And then of course that's damaging to a relationship
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as well. So if you're engaged in a relationship and you're watching pornography, uh, she's going to
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be impacted by that. And she probably doesn't know that's why you're hiding it. Uh, if you didn't
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think there was anything wrong with it, then why would you hide it? Now, some guys will say, well,
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I don't hide it. That's fine. Again, you make your decisions, but if you're hiding that, then
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you know, there's something inherently wrong. You know, that she's not going to be approving of it.
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Uh, and she's going to feel like, uh, she's well, in a way that you're cheating on her and you,
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you are in a way, at least mentally you're cheating on her. So, and emotionally probably as well.
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So be very, very cautious of the use of pornography. It's more prolific. It's on our mobile devices.
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It's more accessible. It's more common. And again, this is something that men fight really
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hard to justify and rationalize. And I would say we would be better off avoiding that.
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Another question that I want you to consider, or a question I want you to consider is as I'm
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talking through these, even some of you who are listening are probably going to say, well,
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there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with these certain behaviors.
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And that may be true, but what I'd like you to ask yourself is this, am, is my life better or worse?
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Or we'll just say it like this. Is my life better if I don't engage in these activities? And I would
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argue that the overwhelming majority of us would say, yes, our life would be better if we weren't
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engaged in these activities. So number one, pornography, number two, alcohol and drug abuse. Now, to be fair,
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in the post on Instagram, I said, alcohol and drug use, I am changing that because I think within
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reason, uh, and under, again, the right nuance and the right context that there's times where
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using drugs not only is, uh, okay, I would say it's advisable prescription drugs, for example,
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in the right situations. Uh, even marijuana has shown medicinal, uh, properties. And so of course
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there's things like that, uh, alcohol, I mean, some guys use this as, as a way to relax and to,
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you know, just, just calm down after a long day or a stressful day and, or do it casually or do it
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socially. And so I see where maybe that's, uh, not going to be a real problem. I think the problem
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comes. And the reason I called it a trap is because it's very easy for men, especially those who have,
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uh, the personalities who become addicted to certain things or just addiction in general,
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uh, to go down that rabbit hole very, very quickly and not realize that things are getting
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out of hand. Now I've chosen altogether to do away with drug and alcohol use, unless again,
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it's medicinal and it's for my health. But outside of that, I don't consume any alcohol or use drugs
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because I want to be clear. I want to be level-headed. I don't want to fall into any sort
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of a escapism or any sort of addiction that I know is not good for me. I know that there's guys
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out there who may be able to control it. And if you feel like that's you, then all the power to you,
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because you're going to need it. Uh, because again, we do have a tendency to become addicted,
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to focus on these things. And then the use becomes more and more and more. And we gradually,
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again, justify it, rationalize it. And it becomes part of who we are and ultimately detracts from
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our focus, our clarity, our level-headed thinking, and ultimately what it is that we
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truly want out of life, which is not to get drunk and high, but to have a little money in the bank
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account, have some great relationships, have some experiences and live life to its fullest.
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And I believe that alcohol and drug abuse, uh, is going to keep you from, from that.
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Number three gambling. Now I don't, I don't know too many men who have this problem. And I feel like
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it does fall into the, uh, into the addiction side of things. Um, I used to live a couple of hours
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away from Vegas and it was really interesting when my wife and I would go to Vegas and we'd watch a
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show or stay down there and, uh, just see the sites and whatnot. It was really interesting to walk
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around the casinos and see these individuals who were just popping quarter after quarter after quarter
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and dropping so much money, uh, on, on gambling. Now, look, if you're using it as entertainment
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and I'll say, for example, that when I was in Iraq, we played, we had Texas hold them tournaments and
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you know, we'd put five or 10 bucks in and whoever won, won the entire pot that's gambling too. So I'm
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not saying again, that this is always going to be a problem, but you have to be very, very careful.
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This is a trap. This is a trap that you need to avoid stepping into. So if you're going to gamble
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with your money, um, even here in Maine lottery is, is something that's available and it wasn't
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available in Utah. And I see so many people spend so much money. I was standing in the convenient
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store line the other day. And, uh, there was a guy who was buying, buying lottery tickets
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and he came back up to the counter before I had left. And the woman at the counter said,
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Oh, did you win something? He says, yeah, I won $10. And he was so excited about that $10. And
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you know, I just thought to myself, I wonder how many hundreds of dollars or potentially
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even thousands of dollars this guy has spent, uh, in order to win that $10 back. And now
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psychologically feels like he, he won just enough to keep them coming back. And that's the point
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you have behavioral psychologists who, and very intelligent people that study human psychology,
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uh, who are designing these programs, building out these slot machines and, and strategies for
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gambling. So you have to be very, very careful with this. And that's why it's a trap that you
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could fall into. So be careful of that. Uh, number four infidelity guys, I know it's easy to get caught
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up in the moment. You have somebody who is attractive. She's beautiful. She's paying a little
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bit of attention to you, making you feel like you're a King or special, or maybe, maybe more
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important than you've ever felt in your entire life. Uh, maybe there's some dullness in your
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marriage and things are on the rocks and it's not going well on the home front. And it's very,
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very easy to fall prey to infidelity. You're not going to find what you're looking for unless you're
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looking for just a good time. And that's it. But at what cost, at what expense, when you step away
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and you step out on somebody that you've committed to, not only do you have an issue with this infidelity,
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that there's going to be consequences to, you are showing a lack of integrity and a lack of
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character. And that I guarantee is spilling over into other facets of your life. The way that you
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show up at work, the way you show up to the gym, uh, how you work with your clients, how you communicate
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with your children, your character isn't isolated to this one-time experience that you have with this
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attractive female. Who's paying you a little bit of attention, not to mention disease, unwanted pregnancy,
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the emotional baggage that comes from connecting with a woman that way. And then also the consequence
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of it, your wife, who there's a strong likelihood that she'll, she'll leave and that you'll lose your
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children and you'll lose money because you're going through a divorce. There's all sorts of reasons why
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you need to stay strong. You need to make the decision to be an integrity in your relationship now,
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before you get caught up in the moment. Cause I talk with a lot of guys who will tell me,
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man, I just got caught up in the moment. I just, I just lost who I was for a minute.
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Don't let that happen to you. Stay strong, stay bold, stay engaged with your wife, cling to her.
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If you've made that commitment and no other woman, uh, and you will keep yourself from falling into the
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infidelity trap. Uh, it's a, it's a dangerous game. I would encourage you not even to toe the line on
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that game. I had a, uh, a woman reach out to me. This was several years ago and she was really
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excited about what we were doing with order of man. And she wanted to start something very similar.
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And, and she asked if I would coach her and I said, yeah, you know, I can help you out. And here's
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how this would work. And she wanted to get together or she wanted either, either she wanted to get
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together. I can't remember right off hand and have me come meet her at her place or her office
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or something. Or she wanted to come to my house and my family was out of town. And, uh, you know,
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I just, I told her, I said, you know, I appreciate what you're trying to do. I appreciate this,
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but this relationship needs to be, you know, business and you're not going to come to my house,
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especially if my family's not here. Uh, we can do this over the phone. We can do this in business.
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Now this is funny because a lot of people will say, Oh, you know, you're just,
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you're just being approved. And I know, uh, there was some, some heat that I believe vice
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president Pence received because he doesn't go out with women in public, even if it's business
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meetings, look, it's just a strategy to keep yourself out of that situation. And that's what
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you have to do. You have to employ tactics to keep yourself safe and protected and out of the traps
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that I'm talking with you about today. So don't even toe the line. Don't even have the appearance of
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just keep it at arm's length and do what you know you need to do. So that was number four is
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infidelity. Number five debt. I talked about it on last week's podcast, as we talked about,
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um, getting your financial house in order, but debt is the plague. Now, again, I know there's
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exceptions. I know that there's nuances. And that's why I wanted to have this conversation with you is
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because yeah, there's some times where going into debt makes some sense. If I told you that I was
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completely out of debt, I'd be lying. We have, excuse me, a mortgage on this, uh, on this property.
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Um, I've, I've, uh, taken out some loans for business in the past, which are now paid off,
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but ultimately that's the goal to pay off your debt. And although there might be instances and
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situations where it makes sense that you incur some debt for an investment in your future,
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I would say that you ought to pay that off quickly, that you ought to be very, very careful of
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the debt that you're acquiring and err on the side of not picking up new debt. Uh, and, and I think
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you're going to be better served again. These are traps because you don't see them. So common,
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commonly held belief is that there's good debt, right? And so because there's good debt and you
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associate good with the debt, then you're justifying it and you're rationalizing it. And it becomes a
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muddled line. If you will, there's a lot of gray. Okay. Is this good? Is this bad? Did I take out
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too much debt? Am I just trying to rationalize my decision to get into debt? This is something
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that I think will enslave you. Um, if you're paying interest to other people, you're paying
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significantly more than you need to. Um, several years ago, we had done very, very well, more so
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than I ever have in my life regarding, uh, my income. And, uh, my accountant called me up and he
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said, you know, here's you owe this much in taxes. And I was blown away. I did not realize how much
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in taxes I had to pay. So I had to set it up so that I could make, uh, make, uh, installment
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payments on, on my taxes. And I, and I finally got them paid off. And I remember one of the last two
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or three statements I looked at, I saw the interest that I had paid on this. And it seemed like if I
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remember correctly, it was like 20 or 25% of my total debt. That's crazy. And that happens all the
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time. When you buy a house, let's say you buy a $400,000 house, you're going to pay five, six,
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$650,000 for that $400,000 house. It just, it makes no sense at all. Unless you're doing it short
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term, unless you're going to make more than that, uh, back. And it's an investment. Just be very,
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very careful with the debt that you're incurring. And you're going to be in a much better position.
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Number five was debt. Number six, this one was the deal killer for everybody. This is where
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everybody got upset divorce. All right, look, I know that there's situations in which divorce is
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probably the best course of action. I also understand, and I'm fully aware that divorce
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is not always your decision. Sometimes it's out of your hand. It's too in a relationship. And if she
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decides she wants a divorce, there's not a lot that you can do about that. Uh, sometimes not always,
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but sometimes I get that. I understand that when I say divorce, I'm not saying that you should never
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be in that situation. What I'm saying is that you should do everything within your power to keep
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yourself out of that situation. I think most of us would agree that the family court system
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is stacked against men. The way that we have our fatherly rights, uh, our, our income,
00:19:03.340
our wages, potentially garnished, we have alimony and child support, uh, excessive, uh, things that
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we need to pay back. We need to split up businesses and real estate and other assets. It's a problem
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for men. Divorce is not a good thing. Not only is it emotionally and mentally draining and physically
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impactful as well, but it is a stress to say the least on your financial position.
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So the reason I said it's a trap is because we don't want to rush quickly into divorce. If we can
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figure some things out and we can improve ourselves and we can be influential in the lives of our
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spouses, that's a better alternative than divorce. I would also say, and I've talked about this at
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length in the podcast is that we need to be very, very careful of a dating crazy women. And guys will
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say, well, all women are crazy. No, just because you don't understand them doesn't mean they're
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crazy. It means they're different and you don't understand them. And that's okay. That's kind of
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the point. She won't fully understand you. You won't fully understand her. That's why you decide to
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enter into a union because you both bring something different to the table. So again, there's a
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difference between somebody being crazy and a woman being intriguing, or you just not understanding
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her. So be very, very careful of dating crazy women of marrying crazy women. And then also address
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red flags early. If there's any sort of red flags in the relationship, you need to bring those things
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up. You need to address them head on and you need to deal with them before you engage in a marriage,
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because that is going to be, if you do that, it's going to be more likely that your marriage will not
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lead to divorce. Then had you not address those things again, guys, I understand that sometimes you
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don't see these things. Sometimes it comes out of left field. Sometimes it's out of your hands.
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I understand that. I'm not saying that just because you happen to be in a divorce that you're doomed to
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a life of misery, but it is going to be uncomfortable at a minimum for a while. So address the red flags
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early. Don't date crazy women. Don't get involved with crazy women and then make your decision. We had a
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guy in the Facebook group who, and I don't know all the context behind this. So I'll do my best. He was
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dating a woman who was pregnant and he was wondering if he should continue the relationship. And most of the
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guys were like, dude, run, like get out of this situation as quickly as possible, which I air more
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towards that side. I don't know if he knew who the father was or she knew who the father was. I don't know
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the backstory. I just think that you have to be careful of that. We had a couple of guys in the
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Facebook group say, well, you're, you're not a man. If you leave her now, that's a ridiculous thought.
00:21:45.120
And let me tell you why there's all sorts of reasons why we would not decide to pursue a relationship
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with a woman could be her hair color could be the way that she thinks about certain topics. It could be
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her body. It could be that she's pregnant. It could even be that she already has children.
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And just because you decide not to get involved with a woman, a woman for any one of those reasons,
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whatever those reasons are. And by the way, you don't need to justify what they are.
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Those are your decisions. It does not make you less of a man. If you decide not to get involved
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with a woman who is pregnant or a woman who has children already, that makes you no less of a man.
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This is your life too. And you have to decide what you are willing to engage in. You have to decide
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what you're willing to get involved in. And you are not obligated by any means to get involved with
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a woman who is pregnant and, or has children with another man. If you decide to do that,
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all the power to you. And I hope and pray that you'll be the best father to those kids that you
00:22:44.100
can possibly be because Lord knows they need it, but you aren't obligated to do it. Address the red
00:22:49.760
flags early. Don't get involved with crazy women. Be careful of your one night stands. Cause sometimes
00:22:58.580
those lead to things and do everything within your power, not to get a divorce. Again, I understand
00:23:04.060
that sometimes that's what the situation calls for, or it's out of your hands, but it is a trap
00:23:08.360
that you want to avoid. And not to mention how you show up. We didn't even get into that. And that's
00:23:14.180
really what we talk about at length here in the podcast. And you hear a lot more about that.
00:23:18.020
If you're new and you've already heard a ton about it, if you've been with us any amount of time,
00:23:21.960
there's a lot that you can do your own to be more influential, to be the kind of man that
00:23:26.840
she's engaged with and she wants to be committed to. And number seven, excessive body fat. There's,
00:23:33.920
there's the trend in society of the dad bod and that it's okay to be a little doughy. It's okay to
00:23:42.400
gain, you know, the extra spare tire around your waist. It's not okay. It's not okay. It's not okay
00:23:48.780
to be mediocre. You're not living to your full potential. And I'll be the first to admit that I
00:23:53.200
have room to go on this. Um, and, and these are not meant to cast stones at you guys. All right.
00:23:58.700
This look, I fall into these traps at times, some of these traps anyways, and it's something that I
00:24:04.260
constantly have to fight against and be very, very aware of. And my eating and that sort of thing at
00:24:11.360
times tends to be a problem for me. So I recognize it. I deal with it. I don't justify it. And I certainly
00:24:18.160
don't normalize the fact that it's okay to be 20, 25, 30% body fat. We are meant to be strong.
00:24:26.020
We're meant to be lean. We're meant to be capable. And as you get in shape and you lose that spare
00:24:31.940
tire and you build muscle, you are going to be a more capable man, which frankly makes you a better
00:24:37.280
man. We are who we are based on our actions and our results and men who are fit and strong and lean
00:24:45.220
and capable are going to inevitably produce better results. So let's dismiss the fallacy that a little
00:24:51.800
excessive body fat is okay. Let's dismiss the fallacy that the dad bought is what women want.
00:24:57.040
They don't. If a woman can choose between a guy who's ripped and jacked and capable and a man who's
00:25:04.100
soft and doughy and weak considering everything else is equal. She's always going to choose the stronger
00:25:10.820
man. That's how it goes because he is showing through his body alone in this case, that he is
00:25:18.920
more capable of producing results. And that's what a woman is interested in. Simple as that.
00:25:24.800
So there it is guys. Now I know there's a lot more. And I know again, that we're bound not to agree
00:25:29.500
on all of these. And that's okay. The thing I would ask is if you disagree, let's have an intelligent
00:25:33.760
discussion about it. Let's talk about it and let's get to the root of some of these problems and maybe
00:25:38.040
come to some mutual assumptions or, or agreements about what we're talking about here. I realize
00:25:44.960
it's not always so black and white. I realized that when we're talking on a podcast or social
00:25:49.380
media that, you know, we're limited to some degree and generalizations aren't always the most effective
00:25:56.480
way to communicate, but at least this will get us thinking about what traps we want to individually
00:26:02.300
avoid come 2020. It's good to think about what you want. It's also good to think about what might
00:26:07.240
potentially get in the way. And it's my belief that these seven steps and these seven behaviors
00:26:11.300
will get in the way of you producing the results and making 2020 the best year that it possibly can
00:26:17.260
be. So let's continue the conversation on YouTube in the comments below. Let's continue the conversation
00:26:22.100
on my social media channels at Ryan Mickler. My last name is spelled M I C H L E R. I'll make a post
00:26:29.220
about this. You can let me know what you think, because I'm sure you will. So for better or worse,
00:26:34.220
anyways, guys, appreciate you being on the battle in the battlefield, I should say. And in this battle
00:26:38.620
with me, it's good to know that there's like-minded men who are all working towards similar goals and
00:26:44.460
aspirations and objectives. And it's nice to know that we're holding each other accountable,
00:26:49.200
that we're having conversations that aren't always popular, but are worthy of, of having,
00:26:54.720
because they move us all in the right direction. All right, guys, we'll be back on Tuesday for our
00:26:59.160
interview show and, uh, make sure you subscribe, subscribe, subscribe on YouTube or iTunes,
00:27:04.960
wherever you're listening or consuming this podcast. And thanks for being in the battle with
00:27:08.620
me. All right. Until next week, go out there, take action, become the man you are meant to be.
00:27:13.480
Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:27:17.880
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.