Order of Man - Adding Value to Your Tribe, Pillars to Teach Children, and Motivating Change in Others ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.500 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.380 you can call yourself a man. Welcome to the Order of Man podcast. You are getting the Ask

00:00:30.460 Me Anything episode. I'm your host, Kip Sorensen. I'm running solo today. Mr. Mickler is out with

00:00:37.800 the family, the higher priority, of course, as it should be for all of us. And so you're getting

00:00:43.800 me solo, obviously, today. And we got a lot of good questions, so we'll just kind of jump right

00:00:49.260 into it. Before we get into you guys' questions, I wanted to just say thanks to your guys for the

00:00:56.120 call to action. A couple episodes ago, Ryan and I asked you guys to share the message,

00:01:02.340 to tag us on Instagram, and you guys did awesome. So thank you. Continue to share the message.

00:01:09.140 Subscribe to the podcast. Share what we're talking about here. Join us on Facebook. Yeah, just be part

00:01:16.880 of the movement. And that's how we turn things around. That's how we level up, as well as leveling

00:01:25.140 up through our own actions and being an example, which I think is kind of at the root of this call,

00:01:31.440 right? Because a lot of these questions have to do with how do we improve in our lives. And I want

00:01:37.960 to say thanks to the guys that are willing to ask these questions. They're beneficial, right?

00:01:43.420 A lot of you guys probably ask these questions from the perspective of like, you needed it,

00:01:48.540 but we all need it. And it's valuable for me to even just read these questions and think through

00:01:56.020 the thought process of how it should be answered or how I would answer it. And of course, when Ryan

00:02:01.960 and I are doing this episode together, it's highly beneficial to hear his perspective. And so hopefully

00:02:07.580 the questions that are related to your circumstances, we can try them on, see how they might fit. But

00:02:15.720 even just ponder, even if you disagree with some of my responses, you know, ask these questions for

00:02:21.140 yourself. Make sure that you're clear in regards to how you line up in life and what's important to

00:02:26.140 you and then take action, right? Not just obviously think about it, but take action and live in that

00:02:32.420 type of way. So, all right, let's just get into it. So it's always odd going solo. So you guys have

00:02:40.200 to forgive me until we kind of get rolling here. All right. So a lot of the questions that we're

00:02:44.680 building today is from Instagram. You can follow Mr. Mickler on Instagram at Ryan Mickler. That's M-I-C-H-L-E-R. 0.50

00:02:52.700 And then you can also follow me on Instagram at Kip Sorensen. That's K-I-P-P-S-O-R-E-N-S-E-N. 1.00

00:02:59.560 All right. Question number one, dad vibes. As a 20 year old guy, I've been struggling to build a

00:03:05.860 sufficient tribe. Men of my age tend to miss the mark. And when engaging with a group of older men,

00:03:12.280 I find myself having a little to contribute. So how should I find a better peer group or how do I

00:03:18.980 make myself more valuable member of a tribe of men who are significantly more wise and capable than

00:03:24.840 myself? Thank you. And keep up the good work. So first off, I don't think you go build another

00:03:32.800 tribe, right? I, I commend you right to, to want to be able to have a tribe of men that you are able

00:03:40.820 to provide value to. And I think the focus should be leveling up. So the, the phrase is who you are

00:03:52.380 being is what is inspiring and that benefits other individuals. So it's how you show up or who you are

00:04:03.660 being that is inspiring to other individuals. You could have your life, not figured out. You could

00:04:10.840 have made horrible, bad decisions of your past. Um, you could still be on the path of trying to develop

00:04:19.240 your own career. But if you're the kind of guy that's showing up in a way that is inspiring,

00:04:25.940 that you're getting after it, that you're focused on growing, that you have self-reflection, you have

00:04:33.540 awareness of self, you're controlling your emotions and you're eager to learn and grow. You are providing

00:04:39.600 value. So I, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about being around these older guys that you quote

00:04:45.860 unquote, uh, might look up to and, and be concerned about providing value. Now, of course you should look

00:04:52.760 to serve, right? That's, that's what it is. That's one of the definitions that we talk about on the podcast.

00:04:57.880 You know, that's what it means to be a man is to serve and to provide service. So look to serve these men.

00:05:03.800 Um, but I don't think you need to be awe inspiring. Uh, I don't think you need to be able to just drop

00:05:10.980 knowledge on a regular basis to make an impact on other men's lives. Uh, I think it's about how you show

00:05:17.880 up around that group. And so show respect. Um, I would be careful not to pretend, uh, be genuine,

00:05:27.020 uh, admit when you don't know something, but be eager to learn, seek advice and, and act on that

00:05:35.860 advice that's being given to you. And when you do that, those older men that have are significantly

00:05:42.520 more wise than you are going to appreciate you being there. So I wouldn't, um, yeah, I want to

00:05:49.500 lower your standard of men that you want to be around. I'd, I'd really focus on just how you show

00:05:54.040 up in life and, and, and, and for all of us, that's just inspiring period. So at least I wouldn't mind

00:05:59.520 being around you, um, if that's how you're showing up. So hopefully that helps dad vibes.

00:06:04.440 All right. Since so Sabana's, um, what will it take for the collective to wake up?

00:06:16.460 So depending on what we're talking about here, um, I'm sure we're all on the same page, but let,

00:06:22.260 let's just say that we're on the path and we're, and waking up is other men getting on the path.

00:06:28.820 And the, and the question is, what will it take? So I, I'm a huge believer that, um,

00:06:36.420 that we'll all learn ultimately what we need to learn. The question is whether life will force it

00:06:43.560 upon us or we'll voluntarily learn. And so what will it take? Well, it might just take time.

00:06:49.680 Uh, and eventually life will have a, have a way of teaching us what we need to know. Um, now that's

00:06:57.140 not very beneficial from the perspective of what can we do right to assist others. And I, and,

00:07:03.180 and the answers are all the kind of the typical things, right. That we all kind of think of is,

00:07:07.760 are we a good example? You know, are we being that, uh, for other individuals? But,

00:07:12.940 but the one thing that comes to mind is, um, it takes us, um, banding together. It takes us

00:07:22.360 aligning ourselves and being men of integrity. That's what it takes. Um, and, and that looks

00:07:32.180 like continuous improvement, right? When I, when I think about what it takes for me to

00:07:35.940 leave the largest impact possible in my life, um, it takes me showing up better today than I did

00:07:44.180 yesterday. It, it looks like me being very much aware of my circumstances and my emotions and what

00:07:54.620 I'm creating, um, and taking ownership of those things and striving to become better constantly

00:08:03.160 over and over, and then enlisting other men to do the same and, and to be authentic about it

00:08:11.300 and have integrity about it and accepting when I'm coming short, you're right. And the areas that

00:08:18.860 I need to prove in. And often that for me, that involves a whole lot of swallowing my ego and

00:08:26.120 admitting when I'm wrong. Uh, if we can't admit when we're wrong, obviously, how can we,

00:08:31.620 how can we improve? So I, I think it's just that constant continuous improvement, uh, and then

00:08:37.540 enrolling other men in what we're doing, um, and sharing that and be that, that shining beacon.

00:08:43.560 If you want to use that term for, for others to see. So hopefully that helps, uh, B PI eight 59.

00:08:51.240 I'm sure as a presider over your home, you have some pillars that you're constantly centering

00:08:58.040 or that you're constantly centered on teaching and installing in your kids. What are they?

00:09:03.400 So I'm going to flag this question because I'm really interested on what Ryan would say.

00:09:08.740 Um, and my apologies, cause you're obviously, you, we, you know, I'm sure all, most of our

00:09:12.960 questions we'd want to hear Ryan's perspective and mine at the same time, but, um, but I'll tag

00:09:18.380 this cause I I'm really curious what, what Ryan would say. So maybe we'll cover it on the next day

00:09:22.200 in May as well. So, but a couple of things that come to mind, I try not to be too scripty on this.

00:09:27.980 I thought, okay, right off the bat, what are the things? Well, let me pause. Let's be frank.

00:09:34.080 There's, there's probably like the list that I should be centered on teaching. And then there's

00:09:39.360 probably the realistic thing that I'm teaching. Um, and unfortunately they're probably not exactly

00:09:46.020 the same. Um, so this is probably key areas that I'm constantly suggesting with my children and at home.

00:09:55.540 Um, so I, these are real ones. I'm curious after I think about this a little bit, if this would be

00:10:02.560 different or, and if it should be different than what it is. Um, and of course we'd love to hear

00:10:08.180 your guys's feedback. In fact, if you guys are catching this on YouTube or, um, or just shoot

00:10:14.020 us a message on Instagram or whatever, let us know what you guys think these pillars should be that

00:10:19.180 you're, that you're teaching at home. Um, and instilling in your children, the ones that come

00:10:25.620 to mind for me were, were the following. So to own your reactions or to own your emotions. Um,

00:10:33.220 that's something that I try to stress all the time. Whenever my kids are upset, they're fighting or

00:10:38.700 whatever, you know, so-and-so did this and made me feel this way. And you're like, and, and I always

00:10:43.900 use it as an opportunity time to say, no, no, that's a choice. It's always a choice. And so how

00:10:49.260 you feel emotionally, whether you're upset or even happy, it's still a choice. And so I try to distill

00:10:55.400 that as much as humanly possible. Uh, another common thing that I try to teach is that, um, sacrifice,

00:11:04.340 that there always must be a sacrifice paid for growth. There is no growth without a cost.

00:11:10.740 And so when my kids, you know, when I'm thinking of like my sons in particular, like,

00:11:16.920 Oh, I'm going to do this. I have a tendency to go, well, what are you, what are you willing to give

00:11:21.520 up? What are you willing to sacrifice to do that? And not to deter them. Hopefully I'm not deterring

00:11:27.740 them from going after something, but I'm, but I'm trying to be realistic that, that there must be a

00:11:33.540 price that will be paid and, and make sure that they're aware of that, that they don't go into

00:11:39.680 something like, it's going to be so easy. Right. Um, but also that they even ask themselves,

00:11:46.280 are they willing to pay that price for whatever that thing is that they're going after? And so,

00:11:51.600 um, I don't know. I think it's a really valuable thing to consider. Um, often, I think sometimes on

00:11:58.300 this podcast, and I know I've used this analogy with a few other people, it's like everyone wants

00:12:02.160 to be a millionaire, but once we define the price that needs to be paid to get there,

00:12:07.240 a lot of us would say, yeah, no, I don't want to be. So isn't it valuable to know that you're not

00:12:13.440 willing to do something? So then that way you can focus on that in which you are willing to do.

00:12:19.180 And that's what I'm trying to teach the boys when I, when I bring that up. And then the other,

00:12:23.560 the last thing that kind of come to mind is reps. It's all about reps. So we have a tendency,

00:12:28.520 or at least I did. And my, my kids do as well that like, Oh, this person's so good or, you know,

00:12:34.540 they're lucky or they're, or they're more talented than I am. And I, and I try to remind them often,

00:12:40.760 it's just about reps. They put in more reps than you. And so you got, and not that you just pause

00:12:47.000 and go, it's too late. It's just like, if you want to be that good, then you got to put in more reps.

00:12:52.140 It's about repetition. It's about practice. And, and it's only through that, that we actually

00:12:57.880 get better at things. Um, so anyhow, those are the three, at least that come to mind.

00:13:03.800 I'm interested on what you guys think. If, if you guys went with some,

00:13:06.820 I don't know what you would have as your, as your primary list. All right. Iron palm coffee.

00:13:13.700 What was the biggest takeaway from your first year in Brazilian jujitsu? So I've been training

00:13:18.520 is that once again, another question for Ryan, because he's only been training for,

00:13:22.520 I think a couple of years now. Um, I've been training a long time. In fact, I,

00:13:27.180 I started training back in 2006, 2007. Um, I don't count that first year too much because

00:13:35.740 I went to the gym maybe twice a month. It was enough to get beat up. Maybe you learn a little

00:13:42.780 something and that was it. And it's not until I moved to New York. Um, or actually I was living

00:13:48.260 in Washington DC and I trained with Leo Dalla. Um, for you jujitsu guys, you know who that is.

00:13:53.900 And then after Leo Dalla trained with him for a few months, uh, my wife and I, we moved to New York

00:13:59.520 and I, I trained with Vitor Shaolin. And one of the things that Shaolin said to me kind of really

00:14:06.740 was profound that really kind of flipped the trigger for me in, in, in regards to jujitsu.

00:14:12.100 I went into the gym and I asked Shaolin, I said, Hey, do you guys have punch passes? Like what's

00:14:18.720 the monthly rate? And he told me a monthly rate. And then I was like, do you guys have punch passes?

00:14:22.000 And he, and he didn't understand. He's like, what do you mean? And I'm like, well, can I buy

00:14:25.820 10 classes and then come when I can? And he goes, Oh, you misunderstand. He's like,

00:14:33.660 our, our students are committed to jujitsu or they're not. And I was like, okay. Yeah. And,

00:14:42.120 and it just kind of, I don't know, it awakened me. And I was like, I, and I don't know if he intended

00:14:47.720 it as like a life lesson, but I was just like, okay, yeah. My, am I going to train jujitsu or not?

00:14:54.560 Not half-assed, not when it's not when it's, um, convenient. Like, am I going to do this or not?

00:15:00.380 And so I signed up for the monthly membership and, and obviously started training on a regular

00:15:05.620 basis. That first year, I'd say the key things that were kind of my biggest takeaways is how much

00:15:16.660 my emotion played a part in my life. And I didn't give you an example. A lot of early guys, or at

00:15:22.400 least for me as well, is you could get pinned by someone and not be able to move. And I would feel

00:15:29.640 panicky. Like I would almost want to tap just cause I can't move. Why? I'm not in danger. I was,

00:15:37.820 I was fine. I'm not in pain. Even it was a mental discomfort. And so I really got present to

00:15:45.560 my mentality around discomfort and what it felt like to embrace pain or anxiety or fear,

00:15:55.640 even embracing anger. And so really is around dealing with those emotional states, um, of jujitsu.

00:16:03.980 And later in my training, I really got to a point where I, I almost liked it. I went from despising it

00:16:13.440 and almost willing to tap because of the uncomfortable aspect of it. And I went from that position to like,

00:16:19.720 almost like the pain, you know, like that sounds weird, but if there's an accident, it'll like

00:16:25.040 kneel to the heel to the face or whatever. It's just like, yeah, do it again. You know? So it,

00:16:31.420 I don't know, maybe it sounds horrible. Maybe that I mean, maybe I'm psychologically messed up, but,

00:16:35.760 but that is certainly shifted from that perspective. The other thing is, is ego. I used to go out. I was

00:16:43.740 fearful sometimes going into the gym and it was more about how I'd look. It was about

00:16:49.980 trying to be better than I was. And so the battle that I was fighting was a, a battle of ego and

00:16:58.100 self-confidence and an unfortunately ego and self-confidence is in conflict with learning,

00:17:04.340 right? I'm not going to be curious. I'm not going to have the perspective of curiosity of

00:17:09.340 how do I do that or whatever, if I'm trying to look good, right? If I'm, if I'm concerned about

00:17:14.600 protecting my ego and being tough. And so I really had to get past that, um, that roadblock

00:17:24.020 and focus on and, and really come. I don't know. I know Ryan hates this word, but really just be

00:17:30.640 authentic in the sense of like, I don't know what I'm doing, right? This is new to me. I'm not good at

00:17:37.180 it. Um, I'm a slower learner. It seemed like than most guys. And, and so I really had to be curious

00:17:43.800 and accept the fact that that was on the bottom of the totem pole and that everybody in the gym

00:17:49.300 could beat me up. Uh, and it wasn't really until that, that I had the right mindset to actually

00:17:54.300 learn and progress in jujitsu. So, um, man, and the takeaways we, you know, we joke around, but

00:18:01.420 when we talk about it probably a little too often, but the takeaways of Brazilian jujitsu are,

00:18:06.300 are huge and we could spend hours I'm sure talking about it, but those were the key things

00:18:12.340 that came to mind that first year in jujitsu. All right. Breath, uh, Brett Hawk 24. I've been

00:18:20.260 working on a healthy morning and evening routines. What are two things that you have as part of your

00:18:26.640 morning or evening routines that you've found to make the most impact on your day overall?

00:18:31.440 So first off, I'm going to suggest that you read the book, the morning miracle. Uh, you could just

00:18:38.560 do a search for it. Great, great book. In fact, I was just talking with my wife last night about

00:18:42.820 this book. So, um, now some of the things, uh, that I do on from a morning routine perspective

00:18:49.980 was a result of, of reading that book. And they ended up being kind of like my own flavor of that.

00:18:54.800 So, um, so I'll, I'll give you a couple of mornings and maybe a evening routine. So morning

00:19:00.500 routines, workouts, man, just workouts in the morning. My day goes better if I get up and I

00:19:06.940 get my workouts in. So that's almost a non-negotiable when, when it is not happening. It's because,

00:19:13.980 um, I, I wussed out and I made up some BS excuse and seldom do I ever am proud of the fact that I

00:19:23.560 skip my morning workout. It's, it's against what I know I should be doing. It's never in line with

00:19:28.960 what I should do if I skip them. So morning workout is critical. Uh, the second is I like,

00:19:36.800 I'm a huge believer of morning affirmations. I think morning affirmations are highly beneficial.

00:19:42.700 Um, I, I do my affirmation slightly different, um, than what's covered in the morning miracle,

00:19:50.860 but there's really two aspects of it to it. And the first is that my affirmation is

00:19:57.460 almost a statement of how I want to show up, uh, each day, the kind of man that I am being

00:20:09.340 in that day. And, and there's certain phrases in that affirmation where, um, there are areas that,

00:20:15.580 that I need to focus on that. Um, you know, that I, that I'll be slow to be emotional, that I'll,

00:20:21.660 um, be clear headed that, uh, I'll be slow to anger or to be frustrated. You know, like they're,

00:20:28.000 they're, they're, they're key things that are critical and unique to me. And then after I read

00:20:34.220 that affirmation, I, I visualize what does that look like today? And I, and I literally pull up my

00:20:41.800 calendar on my phone and I'll look like, okay, I got this leadership meeting at eight. I have an

00:20:47.560 executive, uh, project meeting at eight 30. Um, I, you know, record a podcast. I show up at jujitsu

00:20:55.860 that day. I have these meetings and I really think through like, okay, how should I show up in those

00:21:01.960 meetings? How, like literally how should I walk through the door? How should I have conversations

00:21:07.120 with people in the office? How should I treat my wife and kids when I get home? What does that look

00:21:13.160 like? Cause it's really nice to have this affirmation and it's like, oh, it's so amazing.

00:21:17.880 And then life happens, right? Life happens. And when stress happens, am I going to still show up that

00:21:24.920 way or not? And so the, the morning routine around affirmations and visualizations is a, is really,

00:21:32.340 really, uh, critical for, for me. So, and I, and I would put morning meditation on there.

00:21:38.540 Although I'll be frank, I, I haven't been meditating for, for a while. In fact, it was on my mind

00:21:44.240 recently that I should probably start meditating again. Uh, the evening routine that I think might

00:21:49.360 be valuable, Brett is redoing that affirmation when I pull up in the driveway. So before I get out of

00:21:58.360 the car and before I walk through that door, think through, okay, how am I going to walk? How am I

00:22:03.000 going to walk into this house? How am I going to greet my kids? How am I going to greet my wife

00:22:08.080 and how am I going to show up the rest of the night? And one thing that I have to remind myself

00:22:13.660 of is the power of being present. When I try to multitask, when I have work in the back of my head

00:22:21.680 and I'm stressing about, like, I got to work on that proposal. I got that marketing material that

00:22:26.260 marketing is asking me for. I didn't check my email yet today. Like all these things are in the

00:22:31.980 back of my head. If I go into my house with that beat, with that being my focus, I'm not present to

00:22:38.240 my kids. I'm being short with them. If I try to even do those things, I'm disconnected. I'm just

00:22:45.140 miserable. And, and I learned this when I was younger after I got divorced and I had my kids full

00:22:52.000 time. I try to work a lot at home because the hours were super tough and it just didn't work.

00:22:58.720 I was a complete jerk and I was not pleasant to be around. And eventually it took me going, 0.98

00:23:06.200 you know what? Screw it. Like screw work. Like I'll worry about it after they go to bed.

00:23:11.380 And then I was a kid and I just try to be a kid and have fun, which is tough, right? Because like

00:23:17.360 right now I'm thinking I need to get home and I need to do these other things around the house,

00:23:20.400 which is not being present with my kids. So maybe time box those things as much as possible,

00:23:26.020 but focus on being present with them. And, uh, and I'm a huge believer of stoic philosophy.

00:23:31.780 And so, uh, the negative, uh, visualizations around the fact that, that, that your children

00:23:39.420 could be gone tomorrow and that there's no guarantees in life is, is one way that really

00:23:44.400 helps me, uh, have the right mindset, uh, and passion around the importance of being present

00:23:50.820 with them because, uh, time is limited, man. All right. Next question. All right. Uh, Josiah

00:24:00.340 met calf. What is the best way to motivate someone to manage themselves more effectively?

00:24:06.640 My younger sister's boyfriend has been out of high school for two years and hasn't followed

00:24:12.600 through on his plans because he hasn't made the transition from being managed and led by others

00:24:19.300 to leading and managing himself and working towards his stated goals.

00:24:25.980 So Joshua, first off, this is super tough, right? Cause we talk about this all the time on the

00:24:31.460 podcast. Like you can't change people, you know? So like, we have to kind of come from the position

00:24:37.720 of like, well, you got to force some, like force something upon them. And then we can get into like,

00:24:44.040 okay, you can be a good example and you can be a lighthouse. And so I kind of want to cover this

00:24:49.300 question maybe two different ways. And so the first one is let's, let's focus on how do you put

00:24:56.740 yourself in a position, um, to even suggest anything to him. That's the first thing. And then

00:25:04.160 let's talk about what it means to be motivated. I think those are the two things. So the first is

00:25:08.780 we approach relationships kind of wrong. I think, um, what's the book outward mindset,

00:25:17.260 uh, by the Harbinger group or Harbinger Institute. They talk about this, right? Being in the box.

00:25:23.300 Um, and they're, they have like a relationship triangle and that relationship, we have a tendency

00:25:28.300 to kind of correct people. Uh, we try to teach them and then establishing a relationship with them

00:25:35.280 is like at the bottom. And, and what they suggest is that it's a complete opposite that, that we are

00:25:41.500 not in a position, um, to teach anything to anybody. If we don't have an established relationship with

00:25:47.840 them, unless they respect you and actually give a crap about what you have to say. And so 0.84

00:25:52.920 make sure that if you want to make a list lasting impact in someone's life, that you have an

00:25:58.000 established relationship with them. Otherwise you just, you know, yelling at the wall and it's not

00:26:02.780 going to provide you any benefit or it's not going to provide them any benefit whatsoever.

00:26:06.920 So make sure that it's coming from a place of caring, but be in a position to give advice

00:26:14.900 so much, be in a position of relationship where they actually come to you to seek advice.

00:26:20.380 Part of me kind of feels as though you almost want them asking you. And the reason why is because

00:26:29.240 if they're not asking you the question, they're not ready to receive it.

00:26:33.780 So maybe put yourself in a position, be an example, establish a relationship and be ready for when

00:26:39.980 they ask for guidance and direction. Now, could you give them some advice if you, if you feel like

00:26:45.020 that you're in that established relationship for sure. Right. Um, and I, and I think the key thing

00:26:50.280 is, is, um, around the second thing I want to point out, and that is what is, what is motivation?

00:26:58.160 So, uh, luckily for you in the iron council, uh, we have books that we read and we kind of have

00:27:04.240 a focus each month. And this month's book is the art of the impossible by Steven Kotler and, um,

00:27:14.100 a great book. And in chapter one, he talks about what is motivation and he breaks it down to actually

00:27:22.180 into three categories. And I wrote these down. Uh, so I wouldn't forget. So he breaks them down.

00:27:27.220 That motivation is really broken down into drive, grit, and goals. Now let's add definition to those

00:27:36.760 drive is powerful motivators, such as curiosity, passion, and purpose. So let me say that again.

00:27:46.240 Drive is powerful motivators, such as curiosity, passion, and purpose. Grit is persistence,

00:27:55.120 continuization, right? Constantly pursuing and goals obviously is figuring out where we're trying

00:28:05.880 to go, right? It's, it's a clear direction of what we're trying to accomplish. I think what you're

00:28:11.420 asking for from your girlfriend's, uh, boyfriend's perspective is what's his goals. What does he want

00:28:19.840 to accomplish? Where is he wanting to go? What drive does he have to get there? What is he curious

00:28:28.060 about? Where's passion and where can he find purpose? He may, he may even be in a position

00:28:35.840 where he has no idea what these are. And, and ironically enough, I would like to suggest that

00:28:42.180 we can create them. Ryan and I talk about this on the podcast, like, you know, the character of the

00:28:47.620 stick, what motivates you, right? Uh, if, if you have no drive to go to the gym and your health is

00:28:55.580 horrible and you're not eating well and you're overweight and you're just not taking care of

00:29:01.680 yourself physically and you don't have the drive to go to the gym. Well, how do you get the drive?

00:29:08.520 You find purpose. Why should you go to the gym? And sometimes we have to dig deep for it, right?

00:29:16.780 I've used the analogy in the past. Like, Oh, I need to go to the gym. Cause I want to be in shape

00:29:21.760 because blah, blah, blah, blah. Nah, not there. Right? Like drive should be something that moves,

00:29:29.040 touches, and inspires you, causes you to change almost like a, a form of transformation.

00:29:36.680 And they're there. We just may not realize them. So for instance, if you're really not taking care of

00:29:44.400 your body and you have children, I'll give you a shortcut purpose. Your children or more will more 0.98

00:29:51.420 likely follow your example and be equally unhealthy with their bodies as you are.

00:29:59.540 Do you want that for your children? Yes or no? You just found purpose.

00:30:04.580 You don't, maybe you have bad habits, things that you don't want, you know, you feel like I shouldn't

00:30:14.400 do or whatever, but you don't stop doing them. How about not being a hypocrite? How about being the 0.99

00:30:23.700 shining example to your kids? You want to quit smoking? Ask yourself, do you want your kids to smoke too?

00:30:32.100 Cause that's what you're teaching them.

00:30:37.880 We can find purpose, curiosity and passion. A lot of that comes down to us forgoing our ego

00:30:45.900 and taking a little bit of risk. So I'd focus on for your brother-in-law or your boyfriend's boyfriend

00:30:53.520 or your girl, your sister's boyfriend, help him find those passion. Help him figure out where that

00:31:00.280 passion, that purpose, and where that curiosity might lie. And it might be in a different place

00:31:04.440 than you. That's okay. But help him find those areas. And then grit

00:31:08.080 is developed, I think. And it's developed through doing hard things and building the self-confidence

00:31:15.940 that you're capable of doing them and having small rewards and measuring your goals and seeing that you

00:31:22.700 can do things. And that comes back to establishing goal of where are you going?

00:31:27.400 So I would focus in those key areas, drive grit goals, and then make sure that you're in a position

00:31:33.580 to even provide some guidance or direction. Make sure that you have established relationship with

00:31:38.460 him. All right. Hopefully that helps. All right. Next question. Honey badger B. What is a way to

00:31:47.720 motivate my more, uh, scholar ostically inclined friends? I'd even know that was word or maybe I'm

00:31:54.900 pronouncing it wrong. Who are, or who are states away, but good friends to work out. Oh, to work

00:32:00.220 out more. I've tried to challenge and invite them to be accountable partners, but with no luck. You

00:32:05.600 know, I think it's the same thing. I mean, you want them to work out more, but do they want to

00:32:09.260 like, why, why should they like, where's their passion and their purpose of why they would want to do

00:32:15.360 it? Um, and where are they going? You know, so maybe just, I guess it's the same answer. Are you in a

00:32:21.960 position to be able to guide that, uh, provide some guidance and direction and where is their

00:32:26.200 drive, grit, and goals, and maybe focus in those key areas? Uh, one good thing might also be too,

00:32:31.980 is, um, you know, my, you might accomplish this through recommending the book that we're reading

00:32:37.240 in the iron council and send them a copy and have them read that book, right? That it might be as

00:32:42.760 simple as that. Uh, and as always, uh, being a shining example is always typically the best thing.

00:32:48.280 So, all right, it's Tonto. How would you navigate the boundaries when dating a divorced woman that 0.89

00:32:55.780 has kids from a previous relationship? In this case, the kid's father has mental health issues

00:33:01.940 along with some substance abuse issues that clearly affect the kids mentally and emotionally.

00:33:08.920 Obviously, uh, the specifics of this question says I'm, I'm currently working through that scenario.

00:33:15.460 I'm just hoping for some affirmation that I'm doing the right thing

00:33:19.800 in the right way, or maybe your advice will tell me I'm missing the mark and need to adjust.

00:33:28.940 All right. That's a good question and a tough one too. Um, so I can relate. Uh, my wife has a son

00:33:39.340 from a previous marriage and I have two boys from a previous marriage. So this is something that her and I

00:33:44.880 have both had to navigate, um, um, and figure things out. And so you're going to get someone with

00:33:52.920 on a soapbox on this. Um, but hopefully it's beneficial. So the first thing is, um,

00:34:01.380 you need to get on the same page with her in regards to what this looks like.

00:34:07.320 I think personally, and this is, this is not me throwing my wife under the bus. Um, this is me

00:34:17.800 throwing a bunch of other women under the bus typically. Um, but I think that a lot of divorce 1.00

00:34:26.520 moms have a tendency to want to get remarried and, and get their perfect family back. I think they 1.00

00:34:38.940 feel they can get divorced. Uh, in most cases, as we all know, uh, the divorce system is very much

00:34:46.660 against fathers, regardless of how good of a father you are. And mom gets built in babysitting on the 1.00

00:34:54.840 weekends and everything stays the same, right? She gets her kids full time. Now, of course,

00:35:01.080 you know, judge me all you want. And there's some drawbacks to that. And I'm not saying that a divorce

00:35:06.980 mom is not struggling, um, to deal with the divorce. It's super tough. The psychological and the emotional

00:35:12.760 side of it is just horrible. Um, but nonetheless, I think the majority of women, um, go into dating and 0.99

00:35:21.800 thinking the idea that they're going to marry some other guy and they're going to get their perfect

00:35:25.880 little family back. And that, that man that they marry, AKA maybe you in this circumstance is just

00:35:34.840 going to magically just like fill the roles of dad and everything's back to the way it was.

00:35:40.440 And I do not, uh, I think that is the case. And I do not think that's, uh, even a healthy way of looking

00:35:48.080 at it. Um, they are not your responsibility. I want to be really clear. Um, now you can choose to take

00:35:57.320 that on for sure. Um, and you probably maybe should, if, if that's what you want to do. Um, but you will

00:36:07.420 never be their father. You will be their stepfather and you can be a damn good one. Uh, you can, 0.99

00:36:18.480 and I shouldn't even say that you can be their father. You can be a father figure for them. You

00:36:22.680 could be inspiring and make major changes in their life and help them and be an amazing, but there is

00:36:30.860 a difference between you and their dad period. And there always will be. And, and I, I, I say this

00:36:41.780 just so you can go into this, not thinking that, that they will somehow just magically just be,

00:36:49.260 it'd be the same. It's not the same. It is different. Um, and just be mindful of that.

00:36:58.340 And she needs to be mindful of that. Um, the, those children will have a connection to their

00:37:04.440 father, whether good or bad. Um, that transcends his behavior that, that is kind of built in

00:37:11.300 and who they are as a part of their father. And so obviously be very careful on how you portray him

00:37:20.060 or how you talk about him. Um, because it reflects on them. You know, you say something bad about their

00:37:25.640 dad, you're saying something about it bad about them because that's part of who they are is, is

00:37:30.860 their father. And so be very careful from that perspective. Um, so kind of tactics around this,

00:37:36.300 um, are navigating the boundaries. I think the boundaries are really around you and your wife

00:37:43.700 talking through the specifics and, or your girlfriend talking through the specifics. Like you,

00:37:48.560 you guys like, what does discipline look like and where is your role? And when, when do you have a

00:37:55.740 say? It's really interesting. Like I've struggled with this. If you don't mind me sharing really

00:38:00.660 specific examples, I've struggled with balancing what is acceptable. And my wife kind of giving me the 0.89

00:38:11.220 green light of like, Oh yeah, now you can come in versus if as my own kids, I don't even ask that

00:38:17.880 question. It's not acceptable, right? Like it, it, my role with them is not defined by anybody else.

00:38:26.940 I define it because they're my kids. When it's your stepchildren, you have a tendency to kind of sit

00:38:33.220 back a little bit and kind of wait for the signals of what you should and should not do. And, um,

00:38:40.280 depending on her, she might be extra protective of them. Um, and she might purposely push

00:38:47.800 you away a little bit and in the role that you would be having as a, as a father figure in the

00:38:52.620 house. And so the best thing you can possibly do is talk through the scenarios. When your kid does X,

00:39:00.300 who's, who's communicating? Do you always communicate together? If, um, if the kid's taking

00:39:08.200 advantage of one or the other, you know, do you always run it past the other, uh, the other parent?

00:39:13.800 Like you got to work through these things. And, and I would even suggest like even establishing a

00:39:19.800 playbook of like, these things are acceptable when they're not acceptable. This is the, the, the

00:39:25.420 repercussions. Here's the rewards for good action. And you and her are just on the same page and you're

00:39:32.700 enforcers of what you've decided upon as a couple, uh, try not to wing it from the hip. You guys going to

00:39:39.600 be off on off probably quite a bit. Um, and then you're going to probably feel like she's being too

00:39:47.500 soft. She's going to assume that you're too hard. And when you feel that way, you're going to be

00:39:50.900 harder and she's going to be softer and it can get really difficult, um, and tricky. So I don't know.

00:39:59.480 I felt like I was talking in circles there. Good luck. Half that, half that advice I think is

00:40:03.560 applicable even to your own biological children. But I, I just think all the same things from a parenting

00:40:08.760 perspective that are critical for your biological kids end up becoming even more critical when

00:40:14.760 stepchildren are involved and, and you two talking and getting on the same page is probably the most

00:40:19.800 critical of all of that. So, all right. Next, uh, Rupert Vagabond. It's become apparent that my mom

00:40:33.220 does not want to listen to me and trying to improve our family and mainly our brother's lives,

00:40:40.320 my brother's lives. She's not a bad mother, but it's difficult being an immigrant and a single

00:40:45.320 mother. I have come to the realization that I'm not a man. I had no father figure and much less my

00:40:52.240 brothers, but I can feel that living with them. Isn't doing me any better for my mind or soul.

00:40:58.100 And I'm slowly regressing from the progress I've made. I'm going to move out, but how can I make

00:41:04.620 sure my brothers don't waste the time I did and start helping them become men? Also, how can I

00:41:11.960 assure that I keep being, uh, being and growing as a man? So first off, I'm trying to guess on ages

00:41:22.240 here. So I'm assuming you're a young adult, uh, maybe you're living at home. You have some brothers,

00:41:28.040 you're helping your mom out. Um, obviously you should live on your own. If, if you're an adult,

00:41:33.600 you should probably be living on your own period. Um, but I'm assuming some of your hesitation to move

00:41:39.340 out on your own is being able to be there for your brothers and making sure, um, that, that, uh,

00:41:48.940 I don't know, making sure that, um, they have what they need. And I'm sure I'm also assuming that

00:41:54.260 you're taking care of your mom, uh, as well. So move out. So let's focus on the question. Um,

00:42:01.080 how do I help them become men? So the, so the first thing is, uh, you need to focus on you.

00:42:10.800 Are you continuing to grow, right? Are you doing what's necessary, uh, to get you in a position of,

00:42:17.780 of manhood? We talk about on the podcast quite a bit. You know, what does it mean to be a man?

00:42:24.600 As you know, the order of man logo has three words, protect, provide, and preside.

00:42:29.600 When we break down those three words, they're all a form of service. When I think about my young boys

00:42:36.840 growing up, I think ultimately becoming a man, you transition from a consumer of things to

00:42:44.980 a producer of things. And men manhood is producing, it is serving, it is taking care of others. It is

00:42:56.780 being a position to protect, provide, and preside. And, and some of that is protecting, uh, physically,

00:43:05.920 emotionally, it's providing, uh, emotional comfort. It's providing physical wellbeing, um,

00:43:13.160 and presiding is despite everyone that reads that word wrong and assumes that it's

00:43:19.700 practicing unrighteous dominion. Presiding is actually like taking ownership of something

00:43:25.800 and ensuring that you're overlooking and making sure that something is taken care of,

00:43:31.920 that they're being served, that they're, that they're getting what they need for those that are

00:43:36.440 in your care. And, and I think it's honorable for you to add your brothers to that list

00:43:44.020 for you to serve them though. You need to be in, you need to be constantly growing in that area.

00:43:50.480 And, and then I would suggest, how do you do that for your boys or your brothers? I'm sorry.

00:43:57.280 And one of the key things that you can do, and, and I would suggest you be very careful with this.

00:44:02.800 Don't try to be their father. Um, I have personal experience of this. Uh, when I was younger,

00:44:11.560 I had older brothers that, that filled the role of father. And I think personally that they were too

00:44:19.780 young at the time to try to pull that off and father for them at the time for that time in their

00:44:27.520 lives was using fear and anger and aggression to try to control because that's all they had.

00:44:37.100 They didn't have my respect because they're just my brother. And so they've almost tried to force

00:44:44.160 respect, which, which created major divide in our relationship. And so once again, kind of to that

00:44:50.440 question that we talked about earlier, are you in a position where they respect you and look for

00:44:56.080 guidance and direction, you need to have an established relationship with them where it's

00:45:01.660 genuine that they know that you care. So when you do provide guidance and direction, they know it

00:45:07.300 comes from a place of caring and not unrighteous dominion, if you want to use that term.

00:45:14.580 And so once again, be an example, establish those relationships, um, and then try to get them

00:45:20.700 on the path of what, of what manhood is. And, and I think one of the key things that was never apparent

00:45:28.920 to me until working with Ryan, uh, in the iron council and being involved with the order of man

00:45:35.380 movement was defining what does it mean to be a man? And I'd ask your brothers that ask them, what does it

00:45:44.540 mean to be mean to be a man? Help them get clear on what that looks like and, and being maybe in a

00:45:50.300 position where you guys can band together and create a family ethos, define what it doesn't mean to be a,

00:45:59.820 a, a man in your family. And how do you guys show up and what responsibilities do you take on

00:46:09.360 and, and, and have them participate in that, have their say in it and remind them of it and then

00:46:17.320 share, share information with them. But most importantly, share from the perspective, if you

00:46:22.200 don't mind, like I was, I was on a soapbox the other day with one of, uh, one of my employees here

00:46:26.480 in the office and, uh, we're of the same religious background. And I was telling him one of the benefits

00:46:33.960 of, um, of a testimony. And we, we talk about that in our church and what a testimony is,

00:46:39.360 is, is where you share what you believe, what's powerful about a testimony. Um, and, and you

00:46:48.780 non-religious guys don't like, don't freak out like this principle as all principles transcend

00:46:53.360 religions as well as non-religions cause they're truths. And so, but let me just use this as an 0.99

00:46:59.660 example as a testimony. We, we'd sometimes get it wrong and we preach, Oh, this is what we, you need

00:47:08.900 to learn. And this is what, blah, blah. And we start preaching. That's not a testimony. A testimony

00:47:13.540 is me sharing with someone else, a breakthrough. If you want to use that term, a breakthrough in my

00:47:20.340 life, something that I learned that touch and moved and inspired me that caused action that I became a

00:47:27.660 better person because of when I share from the level of what I got, what I learned, that's non-threatening

00:47:37.360 to you. I'm just sharing. I'm not saying that it's true for you. I'm not sharing any of that. All I'm

00:47:45.440 sharing is through something that occurred or through an understanding that I gained or whatever,

00:47:50.940 that it helped me grow in this way and just share. And what's beautiful about a testimony from that

00:47:59.000 perspective is you're not preaching to someone else. And when you share something that was made

00:48:05.120 possible to you, people have a tendency to try it out for themselves and they put themselves in your

00:48:12.880 shoes and they come to their own conclusion, whether that's applicable to them. They decide if it's

00:48:19.920 applicable to them, not you by preaching. And so get on the path, get on the path of becoming a man

00:48:31.540 by growing, by being inspiring, like be inspiring to yourself, show up in amazing ways and be

00:48:40.900 in a position to share with your brothers and what you learned from a level of excitement,

00:48:48.980 not to change them, but to share the change that is, was present for you. Let them decide if that's

00:48:57.920 what's best for them. Such a powerful way to share. And far too often we have a tendency to preach to

00:49:04.620 people. Don't preach, just share. Let them try that on for themselves. All right, little tangent.

00:49:11.760 All right. Malt rocket. If you're in a relationship with someone who has a kid by a past relationship

00:49:18.940 and you get married, where is the line on how much influence you should have with your kids

00:49:24.780 and when should you hold back? If at all, I think it goes back to that of the question.

00:49:29.540 You got to have a conversation. I think it's going to be different for every family and it's probably

00:49:34.380 going to be very much different based upon the mom. Um, the one thing is get clear about that now,

00:49:42.220 because one of two things are going to happen. Your involvement is going to be at the level of

00:49:47.980 expectation that you have in your mind of what it's going to be like to parent these children

00:49:52.880 or it's not. And when it's not, are you okay sitting on the bench and, and not playing a more

00:50:01.920 active role? Are you going to be okay playing a different role as a father to those kids than

00:50:10.820 what you would like or what would come naturally? You better define that out. You better figure that

00:50:15.740 out now, uh, before you get married. And the only way you're going to do that is talking through the

00:50:21.300 use cases and the scenarios and, and get on the same page in regards to how you're going to

00:50:25.740 punish children and what's acceptable when it's not acceptable. Like, by the way, we should all be

00:50:31.860 doing this before we get married and have children, but even more so, um, when you are looking to get

00:50:38.380 married to someone that already has kids. Okay. All right. Only grim, Mr. Mickler, can you elaborate on

00:50:50.620 the many benefits of the order of man? I'm curious about it, but I'm about, but I'm a bit skeptical to

00:50:58.700 pull the trigger on a membership. Okay. All right. So, Hmm, where do we start?

00:51:09.160 Okay. First off, it's a monthly month to month membership.

00:51:12.500 And if you're worried about the, the fee of the membership, then life will give you what you put

00:51:23.860 to it, what you, what you give it. Right. And so you got to commit, commit or don't commit. I'm fine

00:51:32.860 either way. Right. Obviously we want guys to band with us, uh, in the iron council. Um, we obviously

00:51:39.780 think it's beneficial. The 800 other men across the globe that are members, uh, think it's beneficial.

00:51:46.720 Um, but you're in or you're out, man. What are you doing? So I'd say, get off the fence,

00:51:55.240 decide that you're going to do something or not do it. Uh, and in particular this jump in,

00:52:00.860 give it a solid month, give it two months. And if it's not working out for you, awesome.

00:52:04.020 Give us some good feedback so we can improve and go on your way. So I would, I would focus on how you

00:52:11.400 show up and how you're going to get the most out of it. And you'll get the most out of it. Uh, when

00:52:16.340 you take that approach now, uh, elaborate in some of the benefits. So like-minded men, I think the

00:52:25.140 most, what's amazing about the iron council is think about the guys, most of us guys anyway,

00:52:33.640 our circle of influence or the guys that we band with are an accident. It's your spouse's,

00:52:42.500 spouse's, friend's husband. It's guys that you went to high school with. It's guys that you work

00:52:49.520 with. Um, it's guys that maybe share a common hobby with, but are they on the same path of life?

00:52:57.700 Probably not right. Like for most of us, the guys from high school probably aren't the best guys to

00:53:06.860 be hanging out with, hanging out with guys because we share a common sports team, probably also not

00:53:13.000 the best guys to be hanging out with. And so one of the benefits of the iron council is like-minded

00:53:19.840 men. I have a handful of guys at speed dial that I highly respect within the iron council.

00:53:28.460 And I would be honored to receive advice from them. I am honored when they choose to call and check

00:53:37.680 in and see how things are going. They are amazing men that I look up to that are on the path of being

00:53:48.880 great fathers that are killing it in life that is taking care of their health and their wellbeing

00:53:55.320 and their focus on becoming better. And so many people in our lives are not on that path.

00:54:02.940 Most people in life look around. Most people in life, they're victims, right? Oh, my job sucks

00:54:09.740 because my boss. Oh, I had a horrible day because of traffic. Really? You had a horrible day because 0.96

00:54:14.240 of traffic that dictates, dictate, dictates your day traffic, a bunch of other cars of strangers that

00:54:22.220 you don't even know. That's what you're about in life is bitching and moaning about all these things 1.00

00:54:28.300 that are not ideal. That's what you're about. Most of the people in life, I'm sorry guys, but most of

00:54:36.720 the people in society are mediocre and they're full of excuses and everything they do is an excuse.

00:54:44.720 And they don't even know what accountability looks like. I actually, I'd argue most of the guys that

00:54:50.620 joined the iron council and that leave didn't know what accountability looked like and they couldn't

00:54:56.540 deal because it's uncomfortable because they don't want to be called out because they don't want to

00:55:05.560 take ownership and responsibility for their lives. So what's the benefit being around men 0.75

00:55:14.060 that are taking ownership over their lives that are taking responsibility and through that by

00:55:22.860 taking responsibility are empowered to become better that are empowered in areas of their

00:55:29.280 relationships with how they show up for their kids, how they show up at work and how they show

00:55:34.180 up in their communities. That's the benefit of the iron council.

00:55:37.340 You have calls, you get assigned to a team, um, roughly probably 10 to 15 men that you're part of a

00:55:47.740 team with. And these are your battle brothers and you, you gain an intimate relationship with them.

00:55:54.900 We have other communities based upon topics within the iron council, weekly calls, all hands calls,

00:56:00.880 uh, where you get to talk with Mr. Mickler, but man, it's not just, you know, and hopefully Ryan

00:56:08.400 doesn't mind me saying this, but it's not just Ryan, right? It's, it's, it's all the team leads

00:56:13.620 within the iron council. It's the men on your team, uh, that you build strong bonds and trust and

00:56:20.340 relationships with. And not only that you learn that you have something to give the, the, the transition

00:56:29.300 of growth in the iron council is guys join for themselves. They stay for others. They stay

00:56:39.320 because of the man that they're becoming and the influence that they're creating in their lives,

00:56:44.020 whether it's when they're within their homes or within their teams, within the IC.

00:56:51.120 I don't know what else I'd add to that, right? We have monthly topics and we talk and you know what

00:56:56.260 I mean? And, but man, it's, it's the brotherhood. It's the conversation. It's the other men,

00:57:00.860 um, that really drive the value, um, of what the iron council is. So hopefully that helps.

00:57:09.320 All right. I think we're up on time. So hopefully guys, that was beneficial. Um, stay tuned. Mr.

00:57:17.500 Mickler will be back next week for the, for the ask me anything. Remember a couple things. So you got,

00:57:24.200 um, Friday field notes coming up this Friday with Mr. Mickler getting on a soap box that is obviously

00:57:31.360 usually always highly valuable and beneficial and related to kind of the current events and what's

00:57:37.240 kind of what we're seeing, whether it's through, um, our interactions within the iron council or the

00:57:43.300 interactions that Ryan sees on, on social media or within the Facebook group band with us. Um,

00:57:49.680 join us. You can join us a number of different ways. Like this last question, you can join us in

00:57:54.240 the iron council. That's our exclusive brotherhood, 800 plus men across the globe banding together to

00:58:00.600 help each other grow and improve. You can learn more about the iron council by going to order of

00:58:05.520 man.com slash iron council. You can join us on the Facebook group. That's facebook.com slash group

00:58:12.180 slash order of man. And of course you can connect with us on social media, on Instagram

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00:58:34.220 from shirts, wallets, flags, decals, uh, and a number of different items. And as always subscribe

00:58:41.420 and share the message. You can do so through the YouTube channel, through the podcast. Um,

00:58:47.580 and just rise up, man. And you know, a lot of the questions today really at the center of them was

00:58:54.880 be like, if I, if I had to paraphrase, you know, the, the greatest impact that you can have in life

00:59:02.020 and how do we help those that we love and care about be inspiring, show up in a way that you are

00:59:09.740 inspiring to all those that know you. And, and you do that by continuous growth, surrounding yourself

00:59:18.620 with like-minded individuals and, and inspire yourself, be excited about life and the opportunities

00:59:27.740 that have been presented to you. Um, we are all truly blessed. I don't care who's listening to this.

00:59:33.200 You're blessed. We have amazing opportunities if we just take advantage of them. So until Friday

00:59:38.940 field notes, take action and become the men you were meant to be. Thank you for listening to the

00:59:45.840 order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant

00:59:50.860 to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - March 24, 2021

Adding Value to Your Tribe, Pillars to Teach Children, and Motivating Change in Others ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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