Advice I Would Give My 20-Year Old Self ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
In this episode of the podcast, Ryan talks about what he would tell his 20-year-old self and the 5 things he would teach or tell his younger self, if he had the chance to go back in time.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler,
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and I am the host and the founder of the podcast and the movement that is known as Order of Man.
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I want to welcome you back or welcome you here. Guys, it's my goal to enlist an army of millions
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and millions of men across the planet who are stepping up as leaders in their communities,
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business owners, fathers, husbands, coaches, mentors, brothers, fathers. I may have said
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that twice, but every role that we're stepping up in as men, it's my goal to enlist you in the
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battle to reclaim and restore masculinity and equip you with the armor and the weapons and the tools
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that you need to be able to do that. So we do that specifically via this podcast by interviewing some
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absolutely incredible men. These are guys like Jocko Willink and David Goggins, Dakota Meyer,
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Grant Cardone, Andy Frisilla, Tim Kennedy, Kyle Carpenter. I mean, I can't list them all. John Eldridge,
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the lineup of men that we've had on this podcast is absolutely incredible. And I've got some very,
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Very simple. It'll take you two minutes and we'd love to see those come in and love to get in front
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of more men who need this message and women to society in general. So I've got a, I think I've
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got a good one lined up for you today. It's a question that I get quite asked quite often.
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And frankly, I don't really like the question too much, but it gets asked so much that I thought I
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would actually cover this today. And the question is what advice would you give to your 20 year old
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self, something along those lines? I'm going to get to that in just a very quick minute
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before I give you my answer. Cause I'm going to give you the top five things that I would teach
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or tell my 20 year old version of myself. I do want to introduce you to the show sponsor.
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O-R-D-E-R, and you'll get a discount. All right, guys, let's get into the meat of the discussion.
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Again, this is advice that I would give to my 20 year old self, things that I wish I would have
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learned. I've got five here. Really? Ultimately, I would have just smacked myself around a little bit
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and told myself to stop being an idiot, but such as the way it goes when you're 20 years old and
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you're full of piss and vinegar and all hopped up on life and the hormones are raging through you and
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you're immature and you don't have enough life experience to really understand how,
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how this world works. And even at 38, which is how old I am now, and I'll be turning 39 here very,
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very shortly, still don't have this thing figured out, but maybe a little bit more than I did almost
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20 years ago. And this is the question. The reason I don't like this question, I wanted to tell you this
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is because we can't like this, this almost is an exercise in futility. Like we can't as, as adults,
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as men go back in time. And unfortunately, uh, I know too many men who are living in high school
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still, like these are 40 year old men who are living off the accolades and the, and the, the
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coattails of what they did in high school. It's kind of like uncle Rico and Napoleon dynamite, where
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he says, if I could go back in time, we'd take state, no doubt in my mind. And it's funny, we laugh,
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but how many men do you know? And maybe even you fall into this camp a little bit where
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you, uh, are resting on something you did last year or a decade or more ago. That's why I don't
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like this question. That said, I understand the framework for it. I understand the foundation for
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I understand why it's a good idea, but I'm just telling you, be careful of looking backwards,
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only look backwards so that you can improve moving forward. Just be careful of not getting
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trapped in the past. All right. So advice to my 20 year old self, here's five things that I thought
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of that I think would make a huge, uh, a huge difference. Uh, number, let's see, let's think
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about how I want to start this. Number one we'll say is I would have made, I'm trying to think about
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where I want to start. All right, here's where I start. Number one, public speaking and communication.
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If there, I hate to say that there's one skill that if you learn this, everything's going to be
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better. This is the one thing you need to be successful. It's not how it works. Uh, I think
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James clear, the author of atomic habits talks about this. Like very rarely is it one trade or
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one characteristic or one skillset that makes an individual successful. It's usually a culmination of
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dozens, if not hundreds and thousands of skills and characteristics and virtues that make somebody
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successful. But I'll tell you what, over the course of nearly two decades from the time that,
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you know, I was 18 years old to now 38 years old. I would say that communication is probably
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the single greatest factor that has contributed to any level of success, whether it's success in the
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relationship with my wife or, uh, engaging with my children, disciplining them, teaching them,
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guiding them, coaching and instructing them, uh, whether it's getting promotions, picking up new
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clients, of course, obviously my ability to start this movement and maintain the momentum and
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continue to increase it develops and grows and expands as does my ability to communicate effectively.
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So as an 18, 19, 20 year old kid, yeah, I wish I would have focused heavily on communication.
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I would have joined organizations. Uh, I would have looked for opportunities to speak in public,
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whether that was presenting to my class in high school or college. Uh, I would have looked for
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opportunities to present to, uh, rotary clubs. I probably at some point would have started a
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podcast because not only do I get to have great conversations and impact the lives of millions of
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men. Every single time I get behind this microphone and in front of this camera, uh, I improve and
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increase my ability to communicate and deliver a message effectively because I'm in the trenches,
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I'm doing it. So if you're young or if you're not young, that's still a great time to always be
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thinking about how you can more effectively communicate with other people. And this is a
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huge factor when it comes to your ability to influence. And as a leader, which is one of the
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core tenants of masculinity that we talk about preside leadership, your ability to communicate a
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message, your ability to cast and articulate that vision to other people, uh, your ability to work
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through issues and disagreements and, and debates with other individuals is really going to mark the
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difference as to whether or not you're successful on a project or securing a promotion or picking up a
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new client or courting a woman or influencing your children. So keep that on the forefront of your mind,
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whether you're 20 years old, 38 years old, 65 years old, if you can get better at communication
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and you can put yourself in front of people, cause that's what communication is, right? You're in front
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of other people, whether it's a party of one or a party of 10,000, the more often that you can get
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in front of people, you can learn, you can read, you can listen to a podcast like this. You can read
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great books and then ultimately put that into practice. The better off you're going to be. If I
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would have developed that at 20 years old, and I would have been focused on that, I'd be light years
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ahead of where I am today, which is why I'm so focused on it now. Remember, I'm not getting caught
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in the past and what could have been, coulda, shoulda, woulda. No, this is what I would have
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done. Therefore I should start this now. I should start doing this now. All right. Number two, let me
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think about how I want to do this. I should have more planned, but I didn't. Number two, I would have
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made a plan. I felt like at 20 years old, I was kind of just going wherever, like wherever the wind
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took me, I go here, I go here. I had no compass, no purpose, no direction, no clarity, no focus,
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obviously, right? Like I'm 20 year old kid. That that's pretty obvious. That was the case,
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but I would have been more deliberate about things I wanted to do and things I wanted to
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accomplish and how I wanted to proceed and how I wanted to move forward. And although some of the
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other points that I'm going to talk with you about today might be counter to what I'm telling you now,
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like, I think you have to have a goal, even if the goal ends up moving down the road, like it ends up
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becoming not a priority or not important to you. I think having a goal and an objective in mind is
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going to channel and harness this energy that you have at 20 years old or 30 years old, or now me,
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almost 40 years old, like always have a plan in place, be willing to adjust, be willing to adapt
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and overcome where necessary. But ultimately, if you don't have a plan and a direction in your life,
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even if the direction is wrong, or it has to be changed down the road, you're just not going to be
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as effective as you could have been. Had you had a plan? Had you had purpose? Had you had clarity? Had
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you had focus? Which leads me into point number three at 20 years old. It's very difficult to
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have purpose and clarity. Like you don't have a whole lot of life experience. Frankly, you don't
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have a lot of failures under your belt, which is, which are learning opportunities. Now you don't
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have a lot to draw from by way of experience that will help you identify what you want and what you
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don't want. So point number three is finding mentors. This is something that I didn't do. You know,
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at 20 years old, I was worried about the party and I was worried about, you know, buddies and
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girlfriends and drinking. And I think, again, this is the nature of being young, but if you can get
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ahead of this early and find mentors who are going to guide you and lead you and coach you and instruct
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you and tell you the things that you need to hear, by the way, not necessarily the things you want to
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hear, but the things that you need to hear, man, you're going to put yourself in so much better
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position than your buddies who are more concerned about which party they're going to go to on
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Friday night. And I'm not saying you can't indulge in some of that stuff, right? You're young. You're
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having fun. Life should be experienced to some degree within a set of parameters that you have
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determined what they are, but find mentors. Now, this is where a lot of guys get hung up because
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they'd like to find mentors. They'd like to find people to guide them. I made a video about a
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conversation my son and I had had regarding me apologizing. I had to apologize to him. And I made a
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video and put it up on YouTube and you can check it out again, youtube.com slash order of man. It's a
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very important conversation that I think you guys will get a lot of value from, but there's been
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thousands, I think almost at this point, tens of thousands of comments on that video itself.
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And most of the comments are like, my dad wasn't around. I wish I had a dad growing up. I didn't have
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a role model. I didn't have a male influence or presence in my life. Like this is an epidemic in society.
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And if you're listening to this, there's a strong likelihood that a lot of you who are listening
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to this podcast, don't have a father figure, don't have a male mentor in your life. It doesn't matter
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if you're 20 years old or 60 years old. So a lot of guys get hung up on this. Like, how do I find a
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mentor? How do I develop and articulate a relationship with another man? Who's going to help lead me to
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where I want to go? Very simple is, and it sounds oversimplified and I'm not trying to do any
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injustice here, but very simply, the way that you do this is you find people who are experiencing
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the results that you're after. And then you pay them to teach you how to experience those results
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for yourself. That's it. Now, granted, there's some nuance there and some, there's some ways to
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approach this and do this, but ultimately that's what it is. Find people who are doing what you
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want to do. They're experiencing the results that you want to experience and then reach
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out to them, compensate them. By the way, this doesn't always have to be monetarily. A lot
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of the cases it is, but not always compensate them to teach you what they know, how they do
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their life, how they have success, what pitfalls to avoid, what mistakes to remove and eliminate
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from your life. And it will leapfrog your success. Like you're, it's been said that smart men learn
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from their mistakes. Wise men learn from the mistakes of others. You can accelerate like warp
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speed, your success by not stepping into every damn pothole and roadblock and mistake and mess
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up that comes your way by accessing a map, if you will, to identify where those roadblocks
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are. And the men who have gone before I look at them as, as time travelers. I know it sounds
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a little funny, but if you find a mentor, that is a time traveler. All right. What, what that
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individual is doing is they're going into the future and then they're going to come back and
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they're going to tell you how to do it based on their experience. That to me is time travel,
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right? Like you get to see what your future would look like if you mess up and also see
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what your future looks like. If you don't mess up, if you're willing to have these mentors
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in your life. So find people who are doing what you want to do, compensate them financially.
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Maybe it's just lunch, you know, take somebody to lunch. Maybe there's a buddy or somebody in,
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in your church or an organization that you belong to that you really admire because
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he's a great father or he, he has a lot of business acumen, just invite him to lunch.
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Hey, I'm trying to start this business or I want to start a podcast or, Hey, I know you're
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a really good dad. You seem really engaged with your children. And that's one of the things
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that I'm working on. You know, do you mind if we go grab a coffee or I take you to lunch
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or, you know, just, just so I can kind of get some ideas and insights on how you're doing
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this. That's it guys. Like I, I just get, I get frustrated when people are like, how
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do you find a mentor is not difficult, but you do have to put yourself out there. You
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do have to take the risk. And you do have to ask, and you do have to invest by the way
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to invest, invest in yourself, invest in that individual. When I started my, my previous podcast,
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it's called wealth anatomy. And it was a podcast dedicated to helping financial, excuse me,
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medical professionals with their financial services. There was a gentleman that I reached
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out to. His name is Jeff Rose, good financial sense, by the way, check it out. If you're
00:15:58.340
interested in finances anyways, I reached out to him and cause he was doing what I wanted
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to do. He had a podcast and a blog. He was successful in his financial planning practice.
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And I reached out to him and I said, Hey, you know, I'm, I'm I'm wanting to start something
00:16:13.140
similar to what you're doing. Do you do any coaching? And he says, yeah, I do coaching.
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Here's how much I charge. And it was a couple hundred bucks or something like that. And I
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said, great PayPal them or whatever, a couple hundred bucks and had a couple of iPhone calls,
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I believe with him. And he got me on the path. This is that easy. He got me on the path. And
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this is somebody who I admire and respect. And somebody who led me to not only be successful
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with my financial planning practice, but ultimately led into what we're doing here. But I had
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to invest in myself and I had to take the risk of asking. So do it. Find mentors.
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Number, let's see, that was number three. So number four, I would say is, and I kind of alluded
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to this just a second ago, which is to take more risks. Look, if you're 20 years old, you're young,
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there's plenty of life left. There's plenty of time to settle down. And this might be a little
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counter to the make a plan thing. I still think you should have a plan, but ultimately I think you
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ought to take more risks. If I went back 20 years ago, I would have told myself, man, just say yes
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to a few more things. When opportunities present themselves, whether you can travel the world
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or potentially invest in a business, or there's, there's a woman you might want to take on a date,
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just take more risks. Just ask for what you want. Just be bold and assertive and chasing and pursuing
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something that seems meaningful. That seems adventurous. That might be a little crazy that most people may not
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understand. Like you'll be so much further ahead. And look, these things aren't always going to pan
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out. That's the nature of risk, but you're going to learn so much from that. And I, in fact, I've learned
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that quite a bit over the past eight months and moving here to Maine, you know, I moved my family, my wife
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and four children and myself here to Maine, basically across the country from Southern Utah. And there's been
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a lot of change, obviously climate. There's been a lot of change. Friendships are different. The, the, the house
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is different. The opportunities are different. The people are different, but what an amazing
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opportunity. And here's the deal guys. It's, if it doesn't work out, let's say we're here for a
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couple of years and you know, we don't like it or, or we feel better about being in our home in Southern
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Utah, then we can always go back. There's nothing I should say. I shouldn't say nothing, but there's very
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few things that are so catastrophic that you can't recover from. So be bold, say yes to a few more
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opportunities. I remember when I was, I was probably 20 years old and I had an opportunity to go to
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Germany. I was working with an organization, a company, and I was managing a retail store and I
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had this opportunity to go to Germany. And I said, no, because I had an assistant manager quit from,
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from the store. And I, and to myself, I was like, no, I can't leave because I'm managing this store.
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And so I can't leave and leave the store, which, yeah, I mean, that all sounds reasonable, but looking
00:19:01.780
back hindsight on it, I could have called and, and, and told my district manager, Hey, I'm really going
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to go on this trip. I need to go. I'd like to go. I want to invest in this. And I'm sure, I'm sure
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that my district manager would have been able to bring somebody else up, bring somebody in for a week
00:19:18.020
and manage the store. And it wouldn't have been a problem, but I don't know if I was scared or,
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you know, I, I just, I felt so much responsibility that I wasn't willing to take that risk and say
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yes to this thing. That's just one thing that is a little bit of a regret that I wish I would have
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done. And I learned a lot from that. Like when opportunities present themselves, find ways to make
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them work. What most people will do is they'll find ways to get out of it, right? Like I'm busy,
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or I've got this responsibility and that obligation, and I can't commit to this. And
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they'll justify and they'll rationalize and they'll make excuses and they'll keep themselves
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safe in this little bubble that doesn't allow for any growth and expansion and opportunity guys,
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risks are going to come up. Opportunities are going to come up when you're young,
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take advantage of those things because you, and even when you're old, take advantage of those things,
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like it's not going to get easier. And that's what a lot of people say. Well, you know,
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I really like to do that thing and travel the world, but I can't because I've got this
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responsibility and obligation, but in two years, in two years, then I'll do it. In two years,
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you're going to be more embedded in your career. You're going to be married, or you're going to
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have a kid on the way. Like it's going to get harder. So don't tell yourself you're going to do
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it later. Do it now. Life is short. There's opportunities that present themselves. Sure. They possess a
00:20:37.120
level of risk, but so much learning and growth and expansion comes by saying yes to the things that
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normally you would say no to. And the last one is I would have started jujitsu earlier. That's it.
00:20:51.360
When I was in high school, I played baseball. I played football. I played basketball for one year.
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Wasn't very good at it because I couldn't hit people. And then I wrestled. So played a lot of
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sports in, in high school. And those things don't translate into being 40 years old. Like they just
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don't, I was never big enough, strong enough, athletic enough to pursue a meaningful football
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career, which is something I actually would have liked to have done, but just didn't have that
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opportunity, you know? And, and, and now it's gone. I remember the very last time I played football
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and I remember that last game and I didn't really play all that great. And those are times that I miss,
00:21:30.520
but I'm telling you like jujitsu, you can do that forever. I just rolled with actually a jujitsu,
00:21:36.660
Joe parody is his name, jujitsu world black belt world champion. He just won the world championship
00:21:41.900
in, in Las Vegas several months ago. I rolled with him last night. I think he's in his probably
00:21:47.720
mid sixties or so. Holy cow. Like this guy is tough and strong technical. And he was on top most of the
00:21:58.080
time. And I'm telling you, I didn't get submitted, which I felt pretty proud about, but like, I just,
00:22:02.680
I just felt swamped. Like there just was nothing I could do to get him off of me. And it led me to
00:22:10.160
believe that this is something that you can do for a very, very long time. And not only is it something
00:22:15.280
that's applicable for the rest of your life, potentially, like there's so many metaphors
00:22:21.100
and analogies and translations over into your everyday ordinary life. Whether you're dealing with
00:22:26.860
a difficult time with your spouse, or you're working with a hard client, or you're trying to
00:22:32.580
get a promotion or your boss is maybe a bit of a jerk and you're trying to figure out how to best
00:22:37.080
deal with that, or you're trying to grow your business or connect with your kids or any number
00:22:42.060
of things that we as men deal with on a daily basis, not only will jujitsu make you physically
00:22:48.640
stronger to be able to have the energy to do those things, it will give you the mindset to be able to
00:22:53.440
approach life in a completely different way and start to see solutions and answers to problems
00:22:59.580
that you didn't know previously existed. So I would have started training when I was 18, 19,
00:23:07.380
maybe even high school, maybe even earlier than that. Like my, uh, my kids, in fact, all four of
00:23:11.580
them are involved in jujitsu now and all four of them love it. In fact, my two oldest boys have, uh,
00:23:17.920
have advancements coming up next week. They don't know that. And my girl is going to earn her first
00:23:23.580
stripe. So, uh, pretty cool. Like it's pretty cool to see. And I know that I'm giving them a leg up.
00:23:29.000
They can face bullying. Uh, they're going to feel more proud about who they are. They're going to
00:23:33.880
be physically stronger and more capable mentally. They're going to be more resilient and tougher and
00:23:40.220
grittier because they're involved in the practice of, of martial arts, specifically jujitsu. So for me,
00:23:46.480
I would have started earlier. And I have a lot of guys who are like, Hey man, I'm, I'm 45 now. I'm 50.
00:23:51.940
I'm 60. Is it too old to, to, to, or too late to start? It's like, if you wait, what's the
00:23:58.340
alternative? You waiting for five years and asking the same question, except for now you're five years
00:24:02.800
older. It's never too late to start. And this is what I started the conversation with is don't get
00:24:08.900
trapped in the past. Oh man, I wish I would have done it then, but I didn't. So I guess I'll just
00:24:13.100
throw up my hands. There's nothing I can do. No, that's not what this is a lesson in. This is a lesson
00:24:19.080
in what should I have done 20 years ago, and then making better choices. Now making the right choices
00:24:26.160
now, so that in 20 years, you're not regretting things that you could have done when you listen to
00:24:32.240
this podcast in February of 2020. All right, let me recap guys for you. And then we'll call it a day.
00:24:39.160
And also, if you would make sure you share. So if you're listening to this on iTunes or whatever,
00:24:44.320
follow me on social media, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all at Ryan Mickler, I'll make a post and
00:24:51.800
you can share with me things that you wish you would have implemented or learned in your life
00:24:57.520
when, when you were younger and what you're going to be doing now about it. And then if you're on
00:25:00.800
YouTube, you can just drop it in the comments below. Okay. All right. Number one, public speaking
00:25:05.160
and communication. Again, that's, that's a skillset that I think will improve every facet of your life.
00:25:09.720
Uh, number two, I would have been more deliberate and intentional and started planning out my life a
00:25:15.340
little bit better. Uh, number three, I would have found mentors to guide and coach and instruct me.
00:25:20.660
Uh, number four, taking more risks, saying yes to a few more opportunities that presented myself
00:25:25.740
and finding ways to make things work, not justify or rationalize out of an opportunity. And number five
00:25:32.760
is starting a jujitsu earlier. So that's it guys. I hope that helps. Hope that gives you some insight.
00:25:38.480
Again, not my favorite question, but because I understand the nature of the question and where
00:25:42.480
it's coming from. I just think again, as I reiterate, the trap is that we could begin to fall
00:25:47.880
into is living in the past being uncle Rico who wants to take state. Don't let that be you fix your
00:25:55.760
life. Now use, I don't want to say regrets, but missed opportunities in the past as fuel for the fire
00:26:03.600
of taking advantage of those opportunities in the present so that the future looks different.
00:26:08.340
All right, guys, make sure you subscribe, leave us a rating and review. Again, I cannot
00:26:12.820
overemphasize how important that is. All right. If you've got any value from the order of man podcast
00:26:18.640
in five years, believe it or not, next month will be five years. It's crazy. I just ask that you
00:26:25.220
have a very simple, easy to implement gesture of, of thanks and gratitude by leaving us an iTunes
00:26:33.000
rating and review, giving us five stars, telling us what you think about the show and not even
00:26:37.680
telling us, but telling other people so they can learn some of the things that you hopefully have
00:26:42.380
learned again over the past five years. All right, guys, that's all I got for you. We'll be back on
00:26:46.800
Tuesday for the interview show. And then we've got the ask me anything with Kip.
00:26:50.020
We've got a whole slew of stuff. So make sure you subscribe, tap into our social media networks
00:26:55.800
and connect with me. I'm pretty active over there. And I do my best to communicate and engage
00:26:59.720
with you guys because I value what you have to say and how you're helping improve this mission
00:27:04.800
and this world in general. All right, guys, go out there, take action, become the man you are meant
00:27:09.600
to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:27:14.480
and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.