Order of Man - ALEX GRENDI ｜ Sex： How to Be Better at It and Get More of What You Want

00:00:00.000 From the time we were little boys and young men, the topic of sex has always seemed to conjure up thoughts of embarrassment and shame.

00:00:08.720 It's unfortunate, to say the least, considering that most men equate sex with the woman in their lives as an integral part of not only the relationship, but the connection.

00:00:18.140 My guest today, Alex Grendy, has made it his life's work to explore men's relationships with sex and how we can not only get more of it, but make it more meaningful for ourselves and the women in our lives.

00:00:31.120 Today we talk about porn's impact on sexual relationships, how to overcome childhood shame around the conversation of sex, how to solicit and ask for feedback in your performance in the bedroom, including how to ask for what you want.

00:00:45.540 Why nice guys never get what they want from intimacy and the psychological and physiological issues men deal with when with their lady.

00:00:54.980 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:01:00.440 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:01:10.200 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:01:14.000 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:01:22.880 Men, welcome to the Order of Man podcast. I've got a very, I don't think it's a sensitive subject, but one that I don't think we talk enough about it.

00:01:30.380 There's a lot of shame and guilt and stigma around the topics of men and sex and everything else,

00:01:36.820 even though it permeates literally every fabric of society. I think we're more disconnected with a healthy relationship,

00:01:42.920 with the intimacy with the women in our lives than we've ever been.

00:01:47.260 Before I get to it, just want to mention that we've got some sponsors and friends over at Montana Knife Company.

00:01:53.900 I don't really know how to segue from sex to knives, but it is what it is, and we're men, so we can deal with it.

00:01:59.500 If you're looking for a good quality knife and you want to support anything 100% made and sourced in America,

00:02:06.440 look no further than Montana Knife Company.

00:02:09.680 I told you last week I'm going on a hunt here in the next two weeks with my oldest son and some friends to Hawaii,

00:02:17.100 and you better believe I'm going to bring my Montana Knife Company knives out with me as is my son

00:02:23.100 and a lot of the guys who are coming with us.

00:02:25.400 So if you're looking for something in the field, something if you're camping this summer,

00:02:30.300 something if you're barbecuing and grilling that pork loin or that roast or whatever it is you're doing,

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00:02:46.240 all one word, ORDER OF MAN at checkout to save some money.

00:02:49.720 Now, with that being said, let me introduce you to my guest.

00:02:52.260 Alex is a former professional soccer player turned certified men's sex coach.

00:02:57.780 After battling his own performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, and even erectile dysfunction,

00:03:04.380 he transformed his personal struggles into a mission to help other men regain confidence and control in their sex lives.

00:03:12.200 Through his Superior Lovers program, he has literally, at this point, coached hundreds of men using breathwork,

00:03:19.200 mindfulness, and practical techniques that we address here in the podcast.

00:03:23.460 But his approach, it really shifts the focus from performance to connection.

00:03:28.240 And it helps men overcome shame, improve their intimacy,

00:03:32.320 and become more present, confident partners with their ladies.

00:03:37.780 I hope you enjoy this one, guys.

00:03:38.720 One of the things that's so fascinating to me about this subject of sex and men is how much men talk about and obviously innately desire sex,

00:03:51.220 but how much we get wrong about it and all of the misunderstandings that go on behind engaging in something that could actually be not only fun,

00:04:01.800 but a way to connect with women, but a way to connect with women, a way to build connection and intimacy.

00:04:06.920 We just don't talk about it.

00:04:08.240 And I'm wondering why that is.

00:04:11.600 Yeah.

00:04:12.400 I mean, there's so much shame associated with sex.

00:04:17.020 And I think there's this like understanding or, you know, perception that men should know everything about sex and be good at it,

00:04:28.700 no matter what, no matter what, and no one teaches us how to do it, you know?

00:04:35.440 So it's one of those things where there's this expectation, but there's really no reason for men to be super comfortable having sex or talking about sex.

00:04:48.300 And, you know, it's, it's just such a taboo in our society, especially among other men.

00:04:55.140 You're not going to go into a group conversation with men and it would be normal for someone to be like,

00:04:59.420 all right, I, I had trouble, you know, in the bedroom last night.

00:05:04.160 Right.

00:05:04.600 It's not a thing that we want to talk about for sure, but I've got a lot of questions on this,

00:05:10.100 but one of the questions that came up is you said we're men generally are expected to just know everything and be good at sex.

00:05:15.520 But what does that mean?

00:05:16.600 What does it mean to be good at sex?

00:05:18.280 How would you define that?

00:05:20.620 Yeah, that's a great question because I think that expectation and perception comes from what we see in porn.

00:05:30.400 So that might be a false perception, right? 0.91

00:05:34.060 So I think our baseline is that, hey, the best men at sex are porn stars. 0.94

00:05:41.140 So that's what I'm going for. 0.98

00:05:43.320 That's what good sex looks like. 0.62

00:05:44.920 I can go hard and fast for a long time and I can satisfy my partner.

00:05:52.240 So that I think is the first like false premise of what it means to be good at sex.

00:05:58.120 And that's a big, big pressure and big shoes to fill to try and emulate porn because they are performers.

00:06:07.380 Yeah, performers with multiple cuts.

00:06:12.580 They're not probably satisfying their partner, so to speak.

00:06:18.240 Then there's the other aspect I've heard a lot about, which is men will start comparing themselves to these other men who are well endowed and that creates a lot of maybe shyness or embarrassment about their own physical makeup.

00:06:36.880 That was certainly my experience before I was ever sexually active.

00:06:41.920 I watched porn very young and I hadn't even hit puberty yet.

00:06:48.120 So I'm like waiting for my anatomy to look like theirs. 0.66

00:06:52.980 And I'm like, wait a minute.

00:06:54.440 That's not what I have.

00:06:55.840 So how am I going to pleasure a woman or a girl at that point?

00:07:01.700 How am I going to be able to be good in bed?

00:07:05.800 So for sure, that started for me before I ever did anything.

00:07:12.700 I had performance anxiety.

00:07:15.860 How do you, how would you suggest, I mean, obviously there's, there's porn, there's the over-sexualization of just about everything under the sun, which is weird because we started this conversation off with the premise of not really talking about it, not really being exposed to it, but we're inundated with it.

00:07:33.780 I would just say an unhealthy form of sexuality versus healthy.

00:07:37.860 So what would you say is a healthier perspective of being quote unquote good in the bedroom or good at sex?

00:07:47.840 Well, if you're trying to emulate porn, you're in a performance mindset.

00:07:53.620 So you're trying to be something. 0.77

00:07:57.580 And to me, what would be a good sexual experience would be deep connection to myself.

00:08:03.140 And the ability to be present with my partner.

00:08:08.120 So if I'm trying to hit the mark and be a certain thing and just be ready for sex and turn it on, I'm not really there.

00:08:19.300 Maybe I'm thinking of something else. 0.92

00:08:21.000 Maybe I'm thinking of porn to try and get hard or stay hard.

00:08:24.640 Whereas to me, a better experience would be, no, I know exactly what I want and need.

00:08:31.160 I know what it means to feel safe in the bedroom.

00:08:33.700 I can ask for what I want.

00:08:35.760 And then I have this deep connection to myself and my breath.

00:08:40.160 When you say safety in the bedroom, I don't think that's a term that we would generally or typically associate with men saying or thinking.

00:08:53.820 I think that would be more commonly referred to or linked with what a woman might be feeling in the bedroom.

00:09:00.880 She has to feel safe emotionally, obviously physically safe.

00:09:04.840 There's that risk as well.

00:09:06.960 Is that something when you talk with the men that you work with that they want is safety in the bedroom?

00:09:11.780 And what does that actually look like for a man, generally speaking?

00:09:15.100 Yeah, well, let's take a scenario.

00:09:18.920 For example, if a partner is like grabbing at me and is just like, hey, I want sex now and is trying to force their way onto me, that's not going to feel safe for me. 0.99

00:09:33.040 I'm going to feel kind of used like, oh, you just want, you know, my penis to get off or, you know, you're demanding it. 0.98

00:09:41.180 That wouldn't feel good. 0.99

00:09:42.920 So for me, I would pause that and be like, hey, can you touch me like this instead?

00:09:49.560 Can we slow down?

00:09:51.340 Can you kiss me here?

00:09:53.640 Right. 0.72

00:09:54.260 And this is one of those myths and expectations that like men just want sex all the time, no matter what.

00:10:02.380 And that you should just be ready and available for sex whenever your partner or wife wants it. 0.83

00:10:09.360 And it's simply not true.

00:10:10.980 You know, there's so many scenarios where that would be feeling unsafe.

00:10:17.560 It's like, hey, we only have five minutes until, you know, we're getting ready for the thing.

00:10:21.780 Like, hey, I want you.

00:10:22.800 It's like, well, I'm not ready for this.

00:10:24.740 I don't want this.

00:10:26.880 But I need to now get myself prepared.

00:10:29.520 And I should be hard already.

00:10:31.220 It's a huge ask.

00:10:33.620 And I think most men don't realize that that's, you know, not what they want, not what they should want.

00:10:40.860 I mean, but let's be honest.

00:10:44.100 Also, the quickie is not a bad thing either, though.

00:10:46.720 I mean, there are obviously circumstances and situations where you can make it spontaneous and fun and exciting.

00:10:52.940 And it doesn't always have to be that same way of doing things in the same places in the same positions, too.

00:10:58.500 A hundred percent.

00:11:00.580 There's nothing wrong with a quickie.

00:11:02.460 It's only if that's your only option.

00:11:05.640 Only opportunity is this pressured situation.

00:11:09.080 If that makes you feel unsafe, too.

00:11:11.440 If you're like, hey, yeah, I want a quickie.

00:11:14.000 Let's do this.

00:11:14.940 Then that can be a beautiful experience.

00:11:17.380 But if it feels like the only thing that's offered to you is like, hey, just do your thing.

00:11:23.640 Be quick.

00:11:25.420 That doesn't – I don't feel wanted.

00:11:27.580 I don't feel like my partner really desires me.

00:11:31.840 And that's what I want to feel during sex.

00:11:34.720 Yeah.

00:11:35.300 It is interesting.

00:11:36.260 I heard somebody say – I think it was Matt Walsh, and he was talking about sex work in particular being nothing more than living, breathing, masturbatory tools.

00:11:48.180 And I think that's part of what pornography has done is it's just commoditized – I didn't even say that word – the act of sex versus the connection and the intimacy that could otherwise be there.

00:12:03.280 Yeah, it's definitely not good for our connection to ourselves.

00:12:10.240 You know, your eyes are on a screen. 0.90

00:12:12.120 Your hands are on your genitals. 0.99

00:12:13.840 You're watching other people have a sexual experience. 0.83

00:12:17.820 None of that translates to, like, deep connection to your own body or your partner.

00:12:22.980 So it's a very bad kind of training tool that sets us off on the wrong path of having good sexual experiences.

00:12:33.280 Well, not to mention just the training – the bad training tool, as you say, but also – I mean, it leads to all sorts of things.

00:12:41.360 Performance issues with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, all of these other issues that more and more men are confronted with because of their regular use of pornography and masturbation.

00:12:52.860 Yeah, 100%. 0.95

00:12:54.860 You know, I think of myself.

00:12:57.360 We're training ourselves at such a young age to – you know, we're not – we don't want to get caught by our parents or guardians.

00:13:06.160 And we're doing it in secret and having this fear and anxiety and shame associated with sex immediately.

00:13:14.980 And that gets really imprinted on us.

00:13:19.080 Well, this might be a bit of a tangent.

00:13:21.620 I don't know if we want to address this right now, but I'm thinking about that because, yeah, you know, regardless – depending on which type of environment you grew up in, it could have – I would say if it was maybe more of a conservative environment, you're going to have a different perspective than somebody who might be growing up in more of a liberal environment around sexuality or exploring your body, that sort of thing.

00:13:44.260 But then also there's the religious side of it as well.

00:13:47.460 And it's really interesting because I've talked with so many men and women too who were shamed about don't have sex before you're married, don't do this, don't do that, be ashamed of it, hide like you're saying.

00:13:57.980 And then all of a sudden you get married and it's like, go, start having all the babies, do everything.

00:14:02.000 And it's like, whoa, I don't even – I still think this is bad because nobody told me now it's good.

00:14:06.600 And I've talked with a lot of men who deal with that.

00:14:09.840 Yeah, absolutely.

00:14:11.060 I work with a lot of men who have that experience and it's some deep layers to get through and realize that, hey, no, this is okay.

00:14:20.540 This is my body.

00:14:21.620 I'm allowed to do this.

00:14:23.040 And you can still have faith in your religion and not prescribe to those types of certain things.

00:14:28.940 So that leads me to the question I wanted to ask about that, which again is a little bit of a tangent and we might come back to something else down the road.

00:14:36.280 But regardless of how you grew up in that environment, hopefully men have a more healthy perspective of sex now in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and on.

00:14:45.520 But how do you talk with your kids about this?

00:14:49.560 I've got four kids, three boys and a girl, and I've had conversations, appropriate conversations, age-relevant conversations with all four of them.

00:15:00.000 But how do you suggest you talk with them in a way that lets them know these things are natural and good and healthy if funneled through the right channels and done the right way with a level of respect and appreciation for you and a potential partner?

00:15:15.980 Yeah, first, I just want to say, I don't have experience with this.

00:15:20.920 I don't have children.

00:15:22.200 So I'll do my best to share what I think I would say.

00:15:27.700 But yeah, it really does depend on the ages.

00:15:31.140 You know, the first thing is as they're younger, being able to reinforce that when they're touching themselves and exploring and understanding pleasure at a very young age, maybe they're three or four, that like, hey, that's okay.

00:15:45.060 But that's something we do in private, you know, and not something, because that first instance of get your hands out of your pants, you shouldn't be doing that, can be like that first source of shame for a person around pleasure and sexuality.

00:16:02.660 So being able to say like, hey, is everything okay down there?

00:16:08.180 Does, you know, if that is something you like to do, that's something we do in private.

00:16:11.980 But later on, if you're talking about, you know, healthy masturbation habits, I think that's always going to be an uncomfortable conversation for like a child to hear from their dad or mother.

00:16:26.760 But I think it's a worthy pursuit.

00:16:29.260 And I think it's, you know, I grew up in that very liberal environment.

00:16:33.660 And I still had a lot of shame around sexuality from my porn use and whatnot.

00:16:40.700 But being able to have that uncomfortable conversation with your child about like, hey, like it's okay to look at porn, you know, but it's not the best option.

00:16:53.120 You know, it's not something that is real.

00:16:58.260 It's, you know, you can start to explore how those things impacted you and that you tried it and it felt good, but maybe it isn't the best way.

00:17:09.360 I think there's ways of explaining it through your own experience where you can validate them and also teach them.

00:17:16.620 So, but you said something and I took a little bit, well, I took issue with is you had said, hey, it's okay if you look at porn.

00:17:25.560 You would, you would say that if, if you had children, you would be okay with that?

00:17:30.880 Even right now, I don't think looking at porn is the devil.

00:17:35.140 You know, I think it's not good for you.

00:17:38.440 Just like, I don't think having, you know, alcohol is good for you.

00:17:42.200 But if you have one drink, I don't think you're a bad person.

00:17:46.540 So like having that urge to watch the most sexually gratifying thing in the world that's so readily available to you.

00:17:55.620 Like, I wouldn't shame my kid for doing that.

00:17:57.880 I would be like, hey, I totally understand why you tried to watch that and want to watch that.

00:18:02.700 Um, but you know, it, it didn't work out well for me and I would hate to see that happen to you.

00:18:10.360 And these are some better options.

00:18:12.880 Yeah.

00:18:13.280 I mean, I think I would resonate more with that rather than saying, oh, it's okay.

00:18:16.820 If you want to look at porn the same way, I wouldn't say to my child, hey, it's okay that you have one cigarette or it's okay that you have one drink.

00:18:23.920 It's not, it's not appropriate.

00:18:25.300 Um, but also to your point about making it a, making it a bad person, yeah, engaging in those behaviors doesn't automatically make you a bad person.

00:18:34.420 And I think that's where the shame comes in.

00:18:36.300 So, you know, conversations I've had is, uh, around, hey, look, I understand to your point, your natural desires and urges, especially as my two oldest boys get older to want to look at the female body.

00:18:48.900 Of course you're attracted to that.

00:18:50.680 That's good and healthy, but let me tell you why you need to refrain from doing that.

00:18:56.820 Not only because is it, um, making it a commodity.

00:19:00.400 That's probably a better way to say it than I tried to say it earlier.

00:19:02.740 Cause I don't know how to say the other word.

00:19:05.700 Commoditize.

00:19:06.240 Yeah.

00:19:06.700 Yeah.

00:19:07.760 Commoditize.

00:19:08.200 Thank you.

00:19:08.860 Where were you three minutes ago when I needed that?

00:19:10.820 Um, but also what kind of destruction it can do to you.

00:19:16.780 Um, but I am curious about the shame, uh, aspect because it seems like it might be hidden for a lot of men where maybe they're having performance issues or they're just feeling somewhat insecure in the bedroom or maybe even inferior or just a lot of insecurity.

00:19:37.180 I imagine about, Hey, am I actually pleasuring this woman I'm with?

00:19:41.120 Am I, am I meeting her desires and needs?

00:19:43.660 Um, how do you know if that's rooted in shame and it might be uncovered and undiscovered?

00:19:51.880 I mean, I would say most of the time it is rooted in shame, you know, not necessarily from religion or porn use, but just this idea that like, Hey, I'm not good enough.

00:20:03.940 I'm not good enough for a woman or for love or for a relationship because I'm not performing like a porn star.

00:20:15.760 So I think shame and guilt are inherent in, in that whole process because the whole idea is like, Oh, I, I didn't get up last night.

00:20:23.940 I hope that doesn't happen again, because that would mean I'm less than I'm not a man.

00:20:30.860 And so, yeah, I think shame is, is at the root of all of that.

00:20:35.620 Well, I mean, and if you have those issues, then you weren't able to get it up and perform the next time.

00:20:42.680 Not only do you have that same issue, but now you're in your head even more, which I imagine just creates an even greater problem.

00:20:49.280 So the question then is, as men are experiencing these insecurities, uh, in the bedroom, how do you begin to work through and overcome some of the guilt and shame about you performing or not performing?

00:21:03.060 I don't even like to use that word.

00:21:04.520 Performing is not the right word, but I think, you know what I mean?

00:21:06.800 I know.

00:21:07.620 Yeah.

00:21:08.040 I don't like it either, but it is kind of the term that we use.

00:21:11.460 I think the first part is understanding, like one of the biggest mistakes that men make, like you said, when this anxiety perpetuates itself and just gets worse and worse is they shame themselves for having the issue, you know?

00:21:26.940 And what I would say is like everything around us is creating a process for us to have performance anxiety.

00:21:39.580 So it would be really normal to be nervous and have anxiety during sex.

00:21:48.080 So like most people do, men and women. 0.77

00:21:51.480 So giving yourself that compassion of like, okay, I'm not, you know, a loser. 0.91

00:21:58.960 I'm not pathetic for having this. 0.68

00:22:00.880 This is actually kind of normal.

00:22:03.660 And the next step would be, you know, admitting that you need to make a change and work on it, right?

00:22:09.780 Which takes a lot of humility.

00:22:11.200 Um, but the first step, and you know, you mentioned safety earlier, what's happening in this whole mechanism is you don't feel safe during sex.

00:22:22.920 There's anxiety around whether my body is going to do what I want it to do, whether I'm in my head or in my body and connected to myself.

00:22:33.060 So the whole process is around creating safety in the bedroom for you.

00:22:41.760 Um, and you talk about, Oh, go ahead.

00:22:43.860 Sorry.

00:22:44.840 No, I'm happy to kind of detail that whole process.

00:22:48.520 Yeah, I think we need to do that.

00:22:50.300 I mean, you talked, one thing is you said admitting that you need to make a change.

00:22:53.960 So I'm curious, what are those changes that you suggest men make?

00:22:57.520 And then what is that process diving deep into what men need to do in order to improve themselves, get out of their head, and then ultimately be able to perform and connect in the way that they want to have that intimacy?

00:23:11.660 Well, when I said men need to have the humility to say, Hey, I need to make a change because I think most men don't want to admit that they have this problem and they want to try and override it.

00:23:23.360 They don't want to say, I fear having sex with my partner.

00:23:26.820 You know, I don't think anyone wants to say that, but no, that's not a good feeling.

00:23:33.240 Right.

00:23:33.640 But, okay.

00:23:34.740 What can I do to cover it up?

00:23:36.400 Can I take a pill?

00:23:37.720 Can I, you know, shuffle things around? 0.98

00:23:40.300 Can I masturbate before it's like all of these runarounds of how can I just bandaid the problem? 0.76

00:23:47.860 And, you know, those are the moments where I think men need to realize, like, wait a minute. 0.98

00:23:53.900 Actually, this is deeper.

00:23:55.440 This is psychological.

00:23:57.140 This isn't just some physical issue where I need to get my testosterone checked.

00:24:01.540 I'm healthy.

00:24:02.880 I'm actually just nervous and I'm in my head.

00:24:05.540 Um, which does take a lot, you know, whenever someone books a call with me, I'm impressed by

00:24:12.300 the courage that they had to reach out to another man and talk about this issue for the

00:24:18.480 first time in their life.

00:24:19.840 Right.

00:24:20.640 Most of the men that I talked to are like, you're the first person I've ever told.

00:24:23.940 I can't talk about this with anyone.

00:24:26.280 Right.

00:24:26.760 Because they're going to get ridiculed, mocked, belittled, all the things that they fear they

00:24:31.300 will, they will likely experience for sure.

00:24:33.320 Potentially.

00:24:35.080 Right.

00:24:35.440 I think the right friends would, would hold you in that, but it's still, it's not like

00:24:40.060 a welcome topic of conversation, uh, for most friend groups.

00:24:45.380 So, um, in then getting help, part of my process is again, we're creating safety in the body.

00:24:53.900 And step one is just understanding and gaining awareness around your stress levels and being

00:25:02.360 able to regulate yourself.

00:25:04.460 So this has nothing to do with sex.

00:25:06.860 It's your everyday life.

00:25:08.460 And what is setting you off?

00:25:10.980 And are you able to slow yourself down and be like, whoa, I'm dysregulated.

00:25:15.280 I'm feeling panicked.

00:25:19.200 Can I connect back to my breath and slow myself down?

00:25:23.580 Because men who are nine out of 10 stressed all the time, who then come home and, you know,

00:25:31.840 try to engage in intimacy at that level of stress, they're primed to have performance

00:25:37.860 anxiety.

00:25:39.140 Their body's in an ejaculatory state.

00:25:41.380 They're either, you know, if their fear is I'm not going to get it up, then that's going

00:25:46.000 to happen.

00:25:46.580 If their fear is I'm going to come too quickly, then that's likely going to happen.

00:25:50.620 So reducing that baseline stress level and knowing how to create safety in your own body

00:25:56.900 is step one for sure.

00:25:59.660 And you're talking about being able to regulate specifically stress, other emotions you might

00:26:04.680 be experiencing, that sort of thing.

00:26:07.060 Yes.

00:26:07.720 By connecting to the breath.

00:26:09.060 So that would just be maybe five to 10 belly breaths when you realize like it could be

00:26:14.520 you're in traffic and someone cut you off and you're like, oh, I want to.

00:26:17.380 And then, oh, OK, I need to slow myself down.

00:26:22.660 I need to relax because I'm about to like rip the steering wheel off and go absolutely ballistic.

00:26:30.240 Right.

00:26:31.340 But I found myself.

00:26:32.680 And then that's like step one of awareness is realizing, wow, OK, through this week, these

00:26:39.320 are the things that constantly coming up that are stressing me out.

00:26:43.500 You know, it could be, you know, a phone call from your mother who needs help and she's overbearing 0.99

00:26:49.660 or, you know, it could be a work thing.

00:26:51.960 Whatever it is, there's going to be a roadmap of things you need to work on that are stressing

00:26:59.100 you out and then using this tool to be able to regulate yourself.

00:27:03.960 Now, step two would be moving that into your pleasure experience, because like we talked

00:27:10.900 about earlier. 0.95

00:27:13.320 Most men grew up, you know, masturbating to porn, watching a screen, sitting in a computer 0.99

00:27:18.620 chair. 0.98

00:27:19.020 And we need to completely rewrite that story, that pleasure isn't just ejaculation, that

00:27:26.400 we can feel a lot more than just that.

00:27:29.620 So creating that connection to the body and incorporating that same breath to move our

00:27:38.540 sexual energy in a completely different way.

00:27:41.640 So exploring touch outside of our genitals, staying connected to ourselves.

00:27:47.660 And that's one of the most confronting practices that I, you know, have in my program, that

00:27:52.560 men are just like, what in the world is this?

00:27:55.320 This feels, you know, feminine or, you know, not manly, but it's a huge part of the process

00:28:03.440 to connect to yourself.

00:28:06.120 Men, I'm just stepping away from the conversation very quickly.

00:28:08.600 Again, I don't know quite how to segue from the conversation of sex to anything else that

00:28:13.400 we might talk about, but I'm not even going to try to do my best.

00:28:18.020 I just wanted to talk with you about our new resource.

00:28:20.800 It's the Order of Man Bookshelf.

00:28:22.900 This is a curated collection of books that are designed, of course, anytime we read to

00:28:28.140 sharpen our minds, strengthen our spirits, equip us to lead with clarity and direction

00:28:34.500 and purpose.

00:28:35.680 All of these books, there's 25 on the list right now.

00:28:38.340 They're handpicked for their impact on growth, leadership, discipline, psychology, fatherhood,

00:28:46.880 resilience.

00:28:47.720 But these titles all reflect the core values of Order of Man, and that's protect, provide,

00:28:52.360 and preside.

00:28:53.420 So if you're seeking wisdom on, like I said, fatherhood or strategy or psychology or self-mastery

00:28:59.260 or discipline, this shelf isn't really about making it easy or comfortable for you.

00:29:04.740 It's about a challenge.

00:29:06.620 So I'd highly encourage you if you're looking for a good book to check out specifically on

00:29:11.100 the subjects of masculinity and manliness to go to orderofman.com slash bookshelf.

00:29:16.420 Again, that's orderofman.com slash bookshelf.

00:29:19.860 We'll get right back into the conversation.

00:29:22.440 You can check that resource out afterwards, but for now, let's get back to it with Alex.

00:29:26.460 What would that look like in, in practical application?

00:29:32.120 Like, I don't really understand what that would, I mean, obviously if you say masturbation,

00:29:37.420 we all know what that is, but I don't know what it would look like to connect outside

00:29:41.620 of that, that pleasure.

00:29:43.840 So when you say practical application, do you mean like the actual practice with yourself

00:29:47.940 or practical in the bedroom with your partner?

00:29:51.300 Well, right now we're just talking step number two, talking about getting familiar with yourself,

00:29:55.380 correct?

00:29:56.580 Yes.

00:29:56.960 Yes. 0.98

00:29:57.600 So the, this would look like literally touching your body everywhere outside of your genitals 0.95

00:30:05.320 with all different types of touch.

00:30:07.660 So exploring what feels good for you outside of your genitals could be like, oh, I, when 0.81

00:30:13.480 I touch my neck, it feels nice. 0.99

00:30:15.200 When I touch my nipple, whatever my arm, but then different types of touch. 0.63

00:30:21.020 So very soft touch, or maybe you like really strong touch or scratching.

00:30:26.760 So it's this exploration of yourself to understand what you like and what comes up and what I

00:30:34.880 believe is coming up for you is like, well, why would I want to do that?

00:30:39.840 Why would I touch myself?

00:30:41.760 You know?

00:30:42.180 Right.

00:30:42.560 For sure.

00:30:43.120 I'm sure there's a question you get all the time.

00:30:46.300 I mean, the only thing I can think of right offhand is so you're more aware so that you

00:30:50.100 could at some point communicate that with your partner.

00:30:53.580 Absolutely.

00:30:54.800 Right.

00:30:55.360 And understanding what feels good.

00:30:58.320 And the number one thing that comes up immediately is shame.

00:31:02.780 Why would I touch myself like this?

00:31:06.620 You know, it's, it's girly.

00:31:09.420 It's, you know, for lack of a better word, you know, from how I grew up, it's like, that's 0.93

00:31:14.020 gay to do that. 0.91

00:31:15.240 Yeah. 0.92

00:31:15.400 You know, and there's nothing wrong with being gay, but you know, that that's so feminine 1.00

00:31:21.180 and such a womanly thing to do. 1.00

00:31:23.060 Like, no, just touch my penis and that's all I want. 1.00

00:31:26.260 Um, but we have access to so much more pleasure. 0.99

00:31:30.480 And when you realize that you're shaming yourself for touching yourself, that's, that's an important

00:31:37.840 barrier to break that, oh, it's actually okay for me to do this.

00:31:42.640 It's my body.

00:31:44.020 Why can't I touch my chest?

00:31:45.640 I'm not going to be doing it out in public, but like with myself, it feels amazing, you

00:31:53.040 know?

00:31:53.300 But most men would be like, I'm not even going to allow myself to do that.

00:31:57.740 That is too weird.

00:31:59.520 Why would I want to do that to myself?

00:32:01.740 But then you're missing out on a giant opportunity of connection to yourself.

00:32:07.460 Well, I imagine also creating safety.

00:32:11.160 Well, also I would think with the, with the being able to connect that way, um, that creates

00:32:17.100 physical intimacy that doesn't need to only exist inside the bedroom, I imagine.

00:32:21.240 So for example, if your, your woman hold your hand the way you like her to hold your hand 0.98

00:32:27.300 or, um, you know, come up and give you a kiss on the back of the neck or something after

00:32:32.880 work or the way she puts her arm around or whatever.

00:32:36.460 Right.

00:32:36.880 And, and that creates little moments.

00:32:39.200 I imagine of physical intimacy that are disconnected from the actual act of sex that could potentially

00:32:45.400 lead to that, but it makes it more well-rounded, I guess, maybe satisfying.

00:32:51.960 I'll, I'll give you a great example, more connected, right?

00:32:54.880 Because if I'll, I'll give an example of me previously, maybe I'm with a partner, she's

00:33:02.080 kissing my chest. 0.99

00:33:03.020 I know she's about to start to go down on me and touch my genitals in my head. 1.00

00:33:07.620 I'm thinking, just go down there already. 0.99

00:33:10.100 I'm not connected to my experience at all.

00:33:12.780 I'm, I'm just like trying to control and force with my head.

00:33:17.160 And what's going to happen instead of being like, Ooh, that feels nice and touch me here.

00:33:26.040 And, you know, enjoying the teas and being connected to the entire experience and then

00:33:31.880 asking for different things.

00:33:33.780 So for someone who has performance anxiety, this is giving you so much time to connect back

00:33:40.840 to yourself and regulate before sex.

00:33:44.020 Well, I imagine also just the buildup and the anticipation of it.

00:33:49.080 I mean, foreplay is a thing for a reason, right?

00:33:51.440 It's, uh, yeah, it's the anticipation of what's going to happen that gets, that can get you

00:33:57.220 excited and riled up.

00:33:58.320 And I imagine help you perform better if that's been an issue or a struggle.

00:34:02.860 Yeah.

00:34:03.520 It, and it just feels amazing.

00:34:05.360 Like you said, it's intimacy, it's connection, your partner, you know, you touching yourself

00:34:10.900 can feel great and, and it can feel just as good as, you know, when the woman you love

00:34:15.160 is touching you.

00:34:15.960 But that's really special when, you know, your partner, your wife is touching you in a way

00:34:22.380 that you love and she wants to do that for you.

00:34:25.560 It's, it's a very beautiful thing.

00:34:28.760 And, you know, you're in pleasure and now she's getting pleasure about you being in pleasure.

00:34:36.120 Um, that's just the way that I want to experience intimacy and, uh, feels great for me.

00:34:43.200 I was going to ask you about that when you said you're in pleasure, she's in pleasure,

00:34:47.160 you're in pleasure because she's in pleasure, um, which is great.

00:34:50.700 Like it's a big cycle, right?

00:34:52.060 And it should be that it should, it should be that way.

00:34:54.260 I think both of you are there to, and this might be a really just blunt way to put it

00:35:00.800 and maybe not do it justice, but you're there to serve her and she's there to serve you and

00:35:06.200 you're there to be served and she's there to be served.

00:35:08.640 Like it should be all around, I think.

00:35:10.960 Um, but my question is with men who have performance issues, anxiety issues in the bedroom, that sort

00:35:16.580 of thing, do you feel like it's because they're focused too much on, on their own performance

00:35:23.620 or are they too heavily focused on making sure she's getting what she wants and needs at

00:35:30.440 the expense of themselves?

00:35:32.560 Yeah, that's a very clear pattern that comes up is like this nice guy mentality of, well,

00:35:39.260 I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to perform. 0.51

00:35:42.220 So I'm just going to put all of my energy into her, give her as many orgasms as I can.

00:35:47.620 And then, you know, not even consider getting foreplay for myself and just kind of going 0.67

00:35:55.360 in, doing my thing, maybe it's quick.

00:35:58.760 Um, and then, you know, kind of get out alive basically, as opposed to really honoring their

00:36:07.480 own wants and needs.

00:36:09.280 Yeah.

00:36:10.380 Yeah.

00:36:10.900 That makes sense.

00:36:11.520 So it's just trying to find the balance between, Hey, how do I, how do I make this woman I love

00:36:18.000 and care about feel good?

00:36:19.220 And also how do I get what I need?

00:36:22.920 How do I feel good with what I want to?

00:36:25.060 Cause I think it should be both.

00:36:27.080 Oh, absolutely.

00:36:28.420 And I think that there's this like negative stigma that men with performance anxiety, you

00:36:34.540 know, are selfish because they go too quickly or something, you know, but no man is intentionally

00:36:40.340 doing that.

00:36:41.880 Yeah.

00:36:42.820 You know, men don't, the average, uh, for men to last during penetrative sex is like

00:36:48.340 five minutes, right?

00:36:49.480 I don't think anyone's choosing to try and go as quickly as possible, except you're, if

00:36:55.180 you're having a quickie.

00:36:56.860 Um, so the intention is that we want to give our partner pleasure and that's the goal.

00:37:05.200 And, and the best way to do that, which is counterintuitive is like, you need to be

00:37:10.320 need to honor your needs in order to be able to be a good partner.

00:37:15.880 So that nice guy mentality, like the intention is good.

00:37:20.100 I just want to give her everything.

00:37:21.220 But like, you're not giving yourself a chance to have a good sexual experience.

00:37:26.560 So your partner isn't going to feel that you're confident and in your body.

00:37:34.440 And something I wanted to say when you mentioned that before is one of a woman's biggest turn 0.87

00:37:40.260 nons is knowing you are in pleasure because of her.

00:37:45.480 So it's really important to honor these, you know, what I spoke about earlier is like, Hey,

00:37:50.100 can you touch me here and expressing that pleasure?

00:37:54.280 Oh, that feels so good, you know, and moaning and being expressive in

00:38:00.320 how you communicate you're in pleasure.

00:38:03.880 Because think about it this way.

00:38:05.560 If your partner is screaming in pleasure, you're like, I know I'm doing a good job, right?

00:38:12.440 Like I'm killing it right now, you know, and it energizes you.

00:38:17.840 So most men and myself included, like before I did this work, I was mute.

00:38:24.080 I didn't know what to say.

00:38:25.400 I didn't know how to communicate in the bedroom.

00:38:28.000 I didn't express myself with sound.

00:38:31.180 And knowing this, it's like, it changes everything.

00:38:35.480 When you lead by saying, Hey, can you touch me here?

00:38:40.640 And then expressing in pleasure.

00:38:42.480 It shows your woman that, Hey, she can ask for what she wants and needs that that's welcome

00:38:47.860 and that she can express her pleasure.

00:38:50.300 So it just ramps everything up by honoring yourself.

00:38:54.820 Because the more connected you are to yourself, the more connected you can be to your partner.

00:39:01.640 I really do want to get into the communication thing.

00:39:04.500 I imagine that's a pretty big barrier, being able to communicate what you want.

00:39:08.760 Also asking for feedback, I imagine is something that a lot of men have a hard time with.

00:39:13.740 And which I think is important, not only listening to verbal cues and the way she moves,

00:39:19.280 but just asking like, do you like this?

00:39:21.640 Do you like that?

00:39:22.360 What about this?

00:39:23.000 Do you want to try this?

00:39:23.800 Like we'll get to that in a second.

00:39:26.160 I didn't want to deviate too far from the steps that you were talking about.

00:39:29.460 So you said point number one was gaining awareness around stress and emotion. 0.75

00:39:32.840 Number two was moving into a more well-rounded pleasure experience outside of just your genitals.

00:39:40.780 That's what you had talked about is point number two.

00:39:42.660 Yep.

00:39:42.800 And then the next step, once you learn how to get out of your head and into your body and connect to your breath during pleasure, 0.98

00:39:51.840 then you move that into sexual arousal with genital touch.

00:39:56.120 So you're still connecting to that breath, but now you might start with that body mapping, that kind of foreplay of like, okay, I'm going to connect to my body and then start with a technique called edging,

00:40:10.980 which would be bringing yourself up to the point close to ejaculation and then slowing down and letting your arousal fall and then ramping back up again.

00:40:20.980 So again, we're trying to create safety in those higher levels of arousal.

00:40:28.980 Like, whoa, I'm about to ejaculate. 0.89

00:40:31.760 That's okay. 0.84

00:40:33.360 That's a normal place for me if I go to a certain level, right?

00:40:38.800 And that's part of that process of learning your edge.

00:40:41.820 If I take it too far, I'm going to put myself in a really bad position.

00:40:46.480 So learning what is that threshold that feels completely safe and comfortable for you.

00:40:53.360 The threshold for ejaculating is what you're talking about.

00:40:57.680 I imagine, too, that also it enhances your ability to hold out longer.

00:41:05.300 Absolutely.

00:41:06.500 Right?

00:41:06.780 So I think one of the biggest problems men make is they are already at a 9 out of 10 stress level.

00:41:13.580 Then they try to engage in sexual activity.

00:41:15.580 They're not connected to themselves. 0.51

00:41:17.780 They start penetration and they're already at 90% to the point of ejaculation.

00:41:24.360 And then they try and scramble, okay, what do I do?

00:41:26.180 What do I do?

00:41:26.980 I need to pull out.

00:41:28.080 I need to slow down.

00:41:29.600 That's too far gone.

00:41:32.040 Right?

00:41:32.300 So you're not giving yourself a chance to have a good sexual experience if that's how you're engaging in sexual activity.

00:41:39.980 What you need to do is like we started with step one.

00:41:43.580 If you're starting the sexual experience at a 5 out of 10, 6 out of 10, and then as you start penetration, you only go to like 70% to the point of ejaculation.

00:41:56.600 Then you're feeling good.

00:41:59.800 You're not going, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

00:42:01.540 I hope it doesn't happen.

00:42:02.880 You're feeling calm.

00:42:03.840 You're feeling collected.

00:42:05.520 You're connected to your breath.

00:42:08.460 And that's what we want to stay at.

00:42:11.320 Like I'm not saying you should be edging to 90% and come back down and do that during sexual activity with your partner.

00:42:18.380 That's what we're learning during edging.

00:42:22.780 And then when you do feel comfortable with that and you're like, I know my body.

00:42:26.960 I know what I like.

00:42:28.760 I know if I take it too far, it's too far.

00:42:32.440 I know what's not far enough.

00:42:34.620 So I know my sweet spot.

00:42:35.920 And then when you carry that into the bedroom with the partner, it's simple.

00:42:41.060 It's like I've been here before.

00:42:42.860 I know exactly what I need.

00:42:44.560 Okay, I need to slow down a little bit.

00:42:46.160 I need to get closer.

00:42:47.040 I'm not going to just go hard and fast.

00:42:50.300 And if I do want to do that, I'm going to make sure I'm at a certain connection to myself where it feels comfortable and safe to do that.

00:42:59.160 Instead of, you know, maybe your partner is going faster, faster.

00:43:02.300 I want it faster.

00:43:03.000 And you're like, no, not now.

00:43:05.820 You know?

00:43:06.800 Now's not a good time.

00:43:07.920 I've got to slow this down a little bit.

00:43:09.080 Yeah, now's not a good time.

00:43:10.240 And there's still plenty of other things that we can do that isn't going to disrupt sex and the flow of sex and still make it extremely amazing and intimate.

00:43:22.160 Maybe it's getting closer and slowing down and being more, you know, intimate in that way versus this hard and fast.

00:43:32.280 So once you know what your edge is, you can really play with your breath.

00:43:39.160 Also, you modulate your breath where if you want to get closer to an ejaculation, then it's this fast, short breath pattern.

00:43:49.020 If you're like at that moment where your partner is faster, faster, and you're like, no, I want to slow down.

00:43:53.880 Then you slow it down.

00:43:57.900 You can still, you know, be engaging and thrusting, but your breath is now slowing down.

00:44:04.680 And that will put you back in the moment, back in control.

00:44:08.580 Yeah.

00:44:09.540 Well, I like that, back in control.

00:44:11.340 Not necessarily control of her or anything like that, but in control of yourself by knowing yourself.

00:44:17.620 Knowing just familiarity.

00:44:20.660 It's just practice.

00:44:21.420 It's reps.

00:44:21.840 It sounds so weird to say it in the context of what we're talking about, but that's all that is.

00:44:26.520 It's 100% that.

00:44:28.580 And that's what I mean about creating safety again.

00:44:31.300 It's like, I just did this for, you know, five weeks straight.

00:44:35.700 I know exactly what I want and need.

00:44:38.280 I know my body.

00:44:40.040 So when I get into the bedroom with my partner and the exact same thing is coming up, it's simple.

00:44:46.780 I just need to slow down or I need to speed up.

00:44:49.300 And that becomes comfortable.

00:44:51.440 That becomes the normal.

00:44:53.960 Yeah.

00:44:54.440 All right.

00:44:54.940 So what's next?

00:44:55.540 So we've got edging and then there was some, was there something else to that?

00:45:00.280 Well, there is a little bit something after that, which is around removing the goal of ejaculation from your practice.

00:45:08.540 So that shouldn't be the only goal of pleasure and being able to get to that place of like, oh, this isn't like breaking that programming of pleasure equals ejaculation is really important.

00:45:28.740 And that means there's nowhere to go.

00:45:31.260 There is no performance.

00:45:33.060 It's like, let me do a self-pleasure practice where let's just see what happens.

00:45:39.120 Maybe I don't even get hard. 0.99

00:45:40.700 Maybe I'm just touching myself, touching my genital. 0.97

00:45:42.800 It feels good, but it doesn't have to result in an ejaculation. 0.96

00:45:48.580 And that's a really important distinction to be able to make with your partner too.

00:45:53.720 It's like, hey, this doesn't have to be this goal oriented thing where it always has to result in you having an orgasm and me having an ejaculation.

00:46:03.360 Like we can just have a good time together and see what happens. 0.64

00:46:09.160 Yeah.

00:46:09.640 I imagine it just takes that, that idea just takes the pressure off of, of men who feel so pressured to be like, hey, I got to perform and I got to get her off and I've got to get off or I didn't succeed.

00:46:21.660 Yeah.

00:46:22.340 And, and that performance mindset just makes sex so serious to me, you know, it's like I have a job to do.

00:46:30.840 I got to make my wife happy tonight, you know, and it's like, maybe you've got other stuff going on and you, you have to switch on and be like, I got to, I got to focus.

00:46:40.680 I got to make this happen.

00:46:42.340 And I think that's a really normal place to be for most men, but it's, it's actually very disconnected.

00:46:49.980 You know, that isn't the best place to be having sex from.

00:46:54.360 And that's the place I was in for 15 years of my sexual experience.

00:46:58.520 But being able to like cut that out and be like, hey, actually let's just have fun.

00:47:05.960 Let's see what happens.

00:47:06.940 Let's completely remove any expectation and like laugh and smile during sex and see where it takes us.

00:47:14.520 And that's when the most amazing things happen.

00:47:17.360 That's when, you know, it usually ends up in orgasm and ejaculation anyway. 0.91

00:47:21.920 Of course. 0.92

00:47:22.560 Yeah, of course.

00:47:23.340 Well, and I think if, if you don't have that, if it's, I got, I got to be serious.

00:47:28.220 I got a job to do, which is funny because I'm sure, I mean, we laugh at it, but I'm sure a lot of men feel that way.

00:47:32.920 Right.

00:47:33.180 I think at that point it becomes transactional and not wrong necessarily.

00:47:39.940 I mean, you're still trying to be connected in some way, but it just takes to your point, some of the real connection, intimacy, fun, excitement, novelty out of it.

00:47:51.020 And it just makes it transactional.

00:47:52.760 Let me get in, get you off, get myself off and get out and go back to whatever we were doing, which sounds miserable.

00:47:58.900 Well, most of the time, not all of the time, but most of the time.

00:48:02.820 Yeah.

00:48:03.280 And that's what I thought was good sex for a long time.

00:48:06.160 You know, she got hers, I got mine, you know, that was the point and we hit the goal. 0.90

00:48:13.020 So like, Hey, we're having good sex. 0.65

00:48:15.000 And, you know, for anyone listening, who's having that experience, there's nothing wrong with it.

00:48:19.580 It just means I believe you have like 90% more pleasure potential that you haven't tapped into yet.

00:48:26.960 So if anything, it's something to be excited about that you can have so much more than that if you want to.

00:48:34.460 Yeah.

00:48:35.100 Makes sense.

00:48:36.180 Let's get to communication.

00:48:37.600 And I know probably broaching the subject for the first time.

00:48:41.180 If a man has a desire, something maybe I imagine it's a spectrum, right?

00:48:46.540 So it could be something simple, like the way that she grabs you.

00:48:50.820 Okay.

00:48:51.140 I like this.

00:48:51.820 I don't like that too hard, too fast, whatever.

00:48:53.860 And then there's the other side of it, which still is not wrong, but maybe you want to communicate something you want to do.

00:49:00.820 Maybe it's a role play or bondage or I don't know what, whatever your thing is.

00:49:06.680 So how do you begin to communicate what you want and desire from her?

00:49:12.740 Because I think there's so many men that are just afraid of being rejected or it coming across as awkward and weird.

00:49:17.580 So they just don't do it at all and never get what they want.

00:49:21.540 Yeah.

00:49:22.140 I mean, it really depends on the context, right?

00:49:24.920 That's like a pretty broad one.

00:49:26.680 But I think of it like I'm single right now.

00:49:31.360 So if I were to speak with a new partner and we were leading towards intimacy, like I would be talking about sex before we ever have it.

00:49:41.320 To me, that's like the best possible way to understand if you want to give each other what you want and need.

00:49:47.860 But if you're in a relationship and you're kind of for the first time mustering up the courage to ask for something new or ask to be touched, the first thing I would say is have that conversation outside of the bedroom.

00:50:04.280 You don't want it to be like on the spot and have that pressure of your partner feeling like, oh, am I supposed to do it right now?

00:50:10.900 And then this is going to lead to, you know, us having intimacy that would be quite forced.

00:50:17.120 So being able to do it like outside when you're, you know, taking a walk or having a nice intimate moment together at a coffee shop or whatever, where it feels like you're connected already.

00:50:31.160 And like, hey, by the way, I would love to talk to you about, you know, the other night what happened.

00:50:37.700 I think one of the best ways to talk about sex is to like reinforce something that you loved.

00:50:43.880 Hey, the other night when you did that thing, that was unbelievable.

00:50:48.100 I loved it.

00:50:49.240 I would love to do that more.

00:50:50.720 You know, is there anything you like?

00:50:52.700 What would you want?

00:50:53.960 You know, I think that's a really beautiful way to be able to do that.

00:50:58.980 It's human psychology at that point.

00:51:03.320 If you acknowledge something that somebody has done well, assuming they love and care about you, they're definitely going to want to do that for you again.

00:51:12.320 It's just human psychology, right?

00:51:16.200 Yeah, exactly.

00:51:17.460 And, but it takes courage to do that, right?

00:51:20.740 And it's, I'm shocked sometimes, but I get it, where even reinforcing how much it means to you that your woman touched you in a certain way or did something for you feels foreign for a lot of men.

00:51:34.960 Like, oh, that's so like mushy.

00:51:37.300 I was thinking about it actually before this.

00:51:39.400 There was a commercial back in the day, I forgot what it was, but it was like a beer can would drop on a guy's head if he said, like, he loved his wife, you know?

00:51:49.800 It was like, don't be like that.

00:51:53.220 And so there's this stigma that even saying like, hey, I loved it the way you touched me is like, you know, icky and something that men wouldn't say.

00:52:02.880 But it's really important to give that feedback.

00:52:05.780 And even things like, you know, I loved the way that you were in pleasure the other night.

00:52:12.400 I love the way you moaned and I want to do that for you more.

00:52:18.660 I want to see more of that.

00:52:19.680 What, what, what gets you going the most?

00:52:22.400 I want to give it to you.

00:52:23.740 Like you said, right?

00:52:24.940 When your partner wants to do something for you because they love you, that feels unbelievable.

00:52:32.240 So I give that back to your partner as well.

00:52:35.120 To me, it seems like more often it would be that they don't ask because they're worried about perception or rejection or what she might think of him.

00:52:45.080 Not that feels weird.

00:52:46.400 I don't want to do that.

00:52:48.520 It could be all of those things.

00:52:50.040 Right.

00:52:50.440 And one of them, it could be that they feel like they don't deserve it.

00:52:54.600 You know, I don't feel worthy of asking.

00:52:58.060 You know, I don't even think she would want to do it.

00:53:00.480 Um, could be an insecurity, especially from a lot of the nice guys that we were talking about, where it's like, my needs don't matter.

00:53:08.140 I just need to give to her.

00:53:09.940 So they really, really don't want to ask.

00:53:13.720 It's, it's kind of fascinating to me too, because, you know, for the amount of time that we've been doing this, uh, I think men generally, most men really want to lead their, their wives.

00:53:25.940 And, and I would say, generally, the overwhelming majority of women want to be led by a man who can lead.

00:53:34.380 And if you're not communicating your wants, needs, desires, and things you want to try, then to me, that's a lack of leadership.

00:53:41.800 That, that to me is a lack of masculinity, a lack of manliness.

00:53:45.720 Because I think a man is willing to cast vision, communicate effectively, give feedback, participate in the project.

00:53:54.060 You know, you, you look at it and think, okay, well, at work, I can do that.

00:53:58.340 It sounds like it's the same thing in the bedroom.

00:54:01.820 Yeah.

00:54:02.620 I'm really glad you said that because I feel like some of the rhetoric online and like red pill stuff that can really confuse men is that like, you should know.

00:54:12.220 You shouldn't have to ask, you shouldn't have to talk about it.

00:54:15.320 You should just, as a man, know and just do it.

00:54:18.860 Right.

00:54:19.400 And it's like, that's not how I feel.

00:54:22.080 That, that is completely like propping and being overly insecure about not being able to ask.

00:54:31.260 So you pretend, you know what you're doing or pretend, you know what she wants.

00:54:35.340 But yeah, to me, the leadership is in being able to say, hey, what is it that you want?

00:54:42.080 And need, here's what I want and need.

00:54:45.000 Let's give each other that.

00:54:47.840 And being able to basically admit that you don't know everything.

00:54:52.520 It's important.

00:54:54.000 Well, and it's not even really that big of a risk.

00:54:56.360 It's just trying to, like, if you care about somebody, you just try to figure it out.

00:55:00.600 I mean, you can listen to verbal cues.

00:55:02.080 You can watch the way they move their body.

00:55:04.420 And then you can also ask and use your words.

00:55:06.920 But I also think when it comes to asking a woman what she's into, which I imagine a lot

00:55:12.240 of guys would struggle with as well, there's, to me, there would be a proper way to do it

00:55:17.700 in an improper way.

00:55:18.940 And it's all about your intent.

00:55:21.160 So if you're asking a woman, hey, do you like this?

00:55:24.960 Or how does this feel?

00:55:26.080 Or do you like when we fill in the blank?

00:55:28.020 If your intent is to get validation because you're worried about your own performance,

00:55:33.440 I would say that's an insecure way to approach looking for feedback.

00:55:38.400 But if you ask the same question, but your intent is because I want to make sure you're

00:55:44.600 having your needs met too, that's a very secure way to approach that discussion.

00:55:50.600 And the intent will be felt and heard and seen by the woman in your life, for sure.

00:55:58.020 Yeah, and I love that you're using that word, like intent.

00:56:02.780 And for me, one of the big things is creating clarity of your intentions around having sex

00:56:08.980 in general. 0.74

00:56:10.080 I think most women just assume men want to have sex to get off. 1.00

00:56:15.720 And that can create a really big problem in marriages and relationships when every time 0.95

00:56:22.460 you try to initiate sex, your partner is just thinking, oh, you're just horny.

00:56:26.700 It's like, no, it's important to communicate, like when I want to have sex with you, it's 0.69

00:56:31.760 because I want to connect with you. 0.94

00:56:33.940 I want to make love with you.

00:56:35.060 I want to show you my love.

00:56:38.560 So yeah, that intent says everything.

00:56:42.420 How are you initiating sex?

00:56:44.140 Are you giving her, you know, the pleasure that she wants and needs?

00:56:48.480 Are you just trying to assume because asking and leading in that way is showing her how

00:56:56.320 much you care about her pleasure, that you want to give her what she wants and needs,

00:57:00.760 which is the best way to have intimacy and connection.

00:57:05.640 Do you feel like when men communicate that it's more than just getting off, that, for example,

00:57:14.560 I want to connect, have you found that most or that the men that you work with feel like

00:57:20.720 that's feminine or weak or gay or something like that, as opposed to just being the man 0.95

00:57:28.420 and taking it to her? 0.79

00:57:31.200 I think that can be there for sure.

00:57:35.000 But when, you know, that usually comes up when they're not having a lot of sex already.

00:57:41.160 So there's a problem when the intention is so clearly thought that, oh, he just wants 0.90

00:57:49.320 to have sex to like use me to get off. 0.98

00:57:51.880 That's a really bad place to be in because then you might be having sex with someone who 0.99

00:57:57.720 doesn't really want to have sex, but they're doing it for you. 0.99

00:58:01.960 And over time, that just devalues the sex of the relationship where you don't even really

00:58:07.640 want it anymore because she's not into it.

00:58:10.260 So that's when it needs a reframe.

00:58:13.140 And at that point, I don't think most men are worried about that because something needs

00:58:18.400 to really change.

00:58:20.140 You know, it's like, hey, there's a clear disconnect in what you think I want and what

00:58:27.600 we're having.

00:58:28.720 And hey, this is what I really want out of our sex.

00:58:33.460 And then it opens up that, you know, way of communicating, like you said, that's, hey,

00:58:39.300 what do you actually want?

00:58:40.960 How do you want me to initiate sex? 0.97

00:58:42.760 How do you want to be pleasured? 0.99

00:58:44.740 And to me, that's leadership.

00:58:46.800 That's not feminine. 1.00

00:58:48.940 Right.

00:58:49.260 Yeah.

00:58:49.420 Well, for sure.

00:58:50.280 Yeah.

00:58:50.940 It's just interesting when, and I think that might be, as you said, a little bit of a manifestation

00:58:59.400 of the ever-growing red pill movement where, you know, if you were to ask a woman for her

00:59:04.280 feedback or her opinion, then somehow you're devaluing your own, which is absolutely absurd.

00:59:10.380 You're not making yourself weak or less than by saying, hey, what do you like?

00:59:15.640 The way you feel is important to me.

00:59:17.160 I care about you.

00:59:18.120 I want to make sure your needs are met too.

00:59:19.640 In fact, to me, as men, leaders, fathers, husbands, everybody, our job is to make sure

00:59:25.240 we're adding value to people's lives and we need to know what's valuable to them.

00:59:28.860 We don't get to decide.

00:59:29.700 They do.

00:59:31.440 Yeah.

00:59:32.040 To me, that's like the most manly way to show up in a relationship is to be vulnerable,

00:59:37.880 to be open, to be the leader in having those conversations.

00:59:42.120 That is creating safety.

00:59:43.700 Like, hey, we can talk about anything.

00:59:46.680 Yeah.

00:59:47.240 Yeah.

00:59:47.520 Well, this has been great, man.

00:59:49.460 How do we connect more with you, learn more about what you're doing?

00:59:52.640 Alex, I know you've got programs and you work with a lot of men all over on some of these

00:59:56.160 issues, whether it's, you know, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, insecurity in the bedroom,

01:00:02.500 and just feeling better about themselves. 0.76

01:00:04.580 And of course, being able to have better sex. 0.52

01:00:08.340 Yeah. 0.97

01:00:08.700 Thank you.

01:00:09.260 So the first place for men who aren't really struggling that much, but are looking for tips

01:00:15.400 and want help, you can just check out my free YouTube channel, Alex Grendy.

01:00:20.280 There's amazing stuff there that can help you improve your sex life, like basically immediately.

01:00:25.200 But for men who are really struggling, and this has been something that's really affected

01:00:31.900 your mental health and your relationships for years, the best way would be to check out

01:00:36.980 my program and my website at alexgrandy.com.

01:00:41.500 And we could hop on a call and see if we're the right fit to work together, or if I can steer

01:00:45.940 you in the right direction to get help.

01:00:48.640 Awesome.

01:00:49.440 Well, Alex, I appreciate you.

01:00:50.840 Thanks for coming and imparting some of this wisdom.

01:00:52.460 Um, it's like I said, we started this thing off where men just probably aren't talking

01:00:57.720 about it enough.

01:00:58.620 And so it creates all sort of disconnect and misunderstanding and confusion, which is,

01:01:04.920 I think, not a good thing in the bedroom or any part of life.

01:01:08.480 So I'm glad about the work you're doing.

01:01:10.140 And I know you're helping a lot of guys.

01:01:11.500 I appreciate you.

01:01:13.020 Yeah, thank you so much.

01:01:14.240 And I really appreciate you having me on and opening up this conversation because men don't 1.00

01:01:19.580 know that they can do this.

01:01:21.300 And it's a really powerful opening for men to now know, oh, there is a place I could

01:01:26.360 get help.

01:01:26.880 There is a resource and that might lead them to, you know, freedom in their, in the bedroom

01:01:32.940 and in their relationship.

01:01:33.920 So, yeah, thank you so much.

01:01:35.940 Thanks, brother.

01:01:38.100 Gentlemen, my conversation with Alex Grendy.

01:01:40.560 Um, it's, it's weird.

01:01:41.960 Sometimes, I don't know, it's, it's very strange.

01:01:43.760 Sometimes as boys, we, or men, we turn into little school boys and we start giggling anytime 1.00

01:01:48.300 somebody mentions the subject of genitals or penises and vaginas and, um, just sex in 1.00

01:01:55.960 general. 0.99

01:01:56.280 So obviously there's a stigma associated with it.

01:02:00.160 There's lenses in which we view it.

01:02:03.120 There's a lot of shame, but I really want to start unpacking this and other challenging,

01:02:09.000 not so comfortable conversations over the next year with our podcast guests.

01:02:12.860 So if you're trying to reconnect with a woman in your life, um, on an intimate level and

01:02:17.560 trying to be more physical, trying to get more of what you want, um, trying to give her

01:02:21.940 more of what she wants, then I think Alex is going to be a great resource for you.

01:02:25.860 Go check him out.

01:02:26.640 Uh, follow him on the gram, Twitter, Facebook, X, YouTube, TikTok, all the places online, all

01:02:34.120 the places, and let him know that you heard this podcast here.

01:02:38.840 Um, outside of that guys, make sure to check out our bookshelf, order of man.com.

01:02:42.860 And if you would, as I ask every week, two things, number one, leave a rating and review.

01:02:48.340 It's going to take you 30 seconds, 45 seconds out of your life.

01:02:52.220 And it goes a long way to promote what we're doing here.

01:02:54.380 It may not seem like it, but I promise it does.

01:02:56.220 We have 8,900 plus reviews.

01:02:59.060 I'd really like to break 10,000 by the end of the year.

01:03:02.380 And you can be an integral part of that.

01:03:04.880 That'll go a long way in sharing with other people what we're doing.

01:03:08.040 And then as always, make sure just to take a screenshot real quick, let people know what

01:03:11.820 you're listening to.

01:03:13.020 Tag me, tag Alex on the gram, on X, on Facebook, on wherever, and let people know this is a

01:03:18.820 grassroots movement and we can blow this thing up this year.

01:03:21.540 Guys, that's all we've got for you today.

01:03:24.320 We'll be back tomorrow for our Ask Me Anything.

01:03:27.240 Until then, go out there, take action, and become the man you are meant to be.

01:03:35.380 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:03:38.380 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:03:42.040 We invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 03, 2025

ALEX GRENDI ｜ Sex： How to Be Better at It and Get More of What You Want

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