Alex Grendy is a former professional soccer player turned certified men s sex coach. After battling his own performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, and erectile dysfunction, he transformed his personal struggles into a mission to help other men regain confidence and control in their sex lives. Through his Superior Lovers Program, he has coached hundreds of men using breathwork, mindfulness, and practical techniques that we address here in the podcast.
00:00:00.000From the time we were little boys and young men, the topic of sex has always seemed to conjure up thoughts of embarrassment and shame.
00:00:08.720It's unfortunate, to say the least, considering that most men equate sex with the woman in their lives as an integral part of not only the relationship, but the connection.
00:00:18.140My guest today, Alex Grendy, has made it his life's work to explore men's relationships with sex and how we can not only get more of it, but make it more meaningful for ourselves and the women in our lives.
00:00:31.120Today we talk about porn's impact on sexual relationships, how to overcome childhood shame around the conversation of sex, how to solicit and ask for feedback in your performance in the bedroom, including how to ask for what you want.
00:00:45.540Why nice guys never get what they want from intimacy and the psychological and physiological issues men deal with when with their lady.
00:00:54.980You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:01:00.440When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:01:10.200This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.
00:01:14.000At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:01:22.880Men, welcome to the Order of Man podcast. I've got a very, I don't think it's a sensitive subject, but one that I don't think we talk enough about it.
00:01:30.380There's a lot of shame and guilt and stigma around the topics of men and sex and everything else,
00:01:36.820even though it permeates literally every fabric of society. I think we're more disconnected with a healthy relationship,
00:01:42.920with the intimacy with the women in our lives than we've ever been.
00:01:47.260Before I get to it, just want to mention that we've got some sponsors and friends over at Montana Knife Company.
00:01:53.900I don't really know how to segue from sex to knives, but it is what it is, and we're men, so we can deal with it.
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00:02:09.680I told you last week I'm going on a hunt here in the next two weeks with my oldest son and some friends to Hawaii,
00:02:17.100and you better believe I'm going to bring my Montana Knife Company knives out with me as is my son
00:02:23.100and a lot of the guys who are coming with us.
00:02:25.400So if you're looking for something in the field, something if you're camping this summer,
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00:02:46.240all one word, ORDER OF MAN at checkout to save some money.
00:02:49.720Now, with that being said, let me introduce you to my guest.
00:02:52.260Alex is a former professional soccer player turned certified men's sex coach.
00:02:57.780After battling his own performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, and even erectile dysfunction,
00:03:04.380he transformed his personal struggles into a mission to help other men regain confidence and control in their sex lives.
00:03:12.200Through his Superior Lovers program, he has literally, at this point, coached hundreds of men using breathwork,
00:03:19.200mindfulness, and practical techniques that we address here in the podcast.
00:03:23.460But his approach, it really shifts the focus from performance to connection.
00:03:28.240And it helps men overcome shame, improve their intimacy,
00:03:32.320and become more present, confident partners with their ladies.
00:03:38.720One of the things that's so fascinating to me about this subject of sex and men is how much men talk about and obviously innately desire sex,
00:03:51.220but how much we get wrong about it and all of the misunderstandings that go on behind engaging in something that could actually be not only fun,
00:04:01.800but a way to connect with women, but a way to connect with women, a way to build connection and intimacy.
00:04:12.400I mean, there's so much shame associated with sex.
00:04:17.020And I think there's this like understanding or, you know, perception that men should know everything about sex and be good at it,
00:04:28.700no matter what, no matter what, and no one teaches us how to do it, you know?
00:04:35.440So it's one of those things where there's this expectation, but there's really no reason for men to be super comfortable having sex or talking about sex.
00:04:48.300And, you know, it's, it's just such a taboo in our society, especially among other men.
00:04:55.140You're not going to go into a group conversation with men and it would be normal for someone to be like,
00:04:59.420all right, I, I had trouble, you know, in the bedroom last night.
00:06:12.580They're not probably satisfying their partner, so to speak.
00:06:18.240Then there's the other aspect I've heard a lot about, which is men will start comparing themselves to these other men who are well endowed and that creates a lot of maybe shyness or embarrassment about their own physical makeup.
00:06:36.880That was certainly my experience before I was ever sexually active.
00:06:41.920I watched porn very young and I hadn't even hit puberty yet.
00:06:48.120So I'm like waiting for my anatomy to look like theirs.
00:07:15.860How do you, how would you suggest, I mean, obviously there's, there's porn, there's the over-sexualization of just about everything under the sun, which is weird because we started this conversation off with the premise of not really talking about it, not really being exposed to it, but we're inundated with it.
00:07:33.780I would just say an unhealthy form of sexuality versus healthy.
00:07:37.860So what would you say is a healthier perspective of being quote unquote good in the bedroom or good at sex?
00:07:47.840Well, if you're trying to emulate porn, you're in a performance mindset.
00:08:35.760And then I have this deep connection to myself and my breath.
00:08:40.160When you say safety in the bedroom, I don't think that's a term that we would generally or typically associate with men saying or thinking.
00:08:53.820I think that would be more commonly referred to or linked with what a woman might be feeling in the bedroom.
00:09:00.880She has to feel safe emotionally, obviously physically safe.
00:09:18.920For example, if a partner is like grabbing at me and is just like, hey, I want sex now and is trying to force their way onto me, that's not going to feel safe for me.
00:09:33.040I'm going to feel kind of used like, oh, you just want, you know, my penis to get off or, you know, you're demanding it.
00:11:36.260I heard somebody say – I think it was Matt Walsh, and he was talking about sex work in particular being nothing more than living, breathing, masturbatory tools.
00:11:48.180And I think that's part of what pornography has done is it's just commoditized – I didn't even say that word – the act of sex versus the connection and the intimacy that could otherwise be there.
00:12:03.280Yeah, it's definitely not good for our connection to ourselves.
00:12:13.840You're watching other people have a sexual experience.
00:12:17.820None of that translates to, like, deep connection to your own body or your partner.
00:12:22.980So it's a very bad kind of training tool that sets us off on the wrong path of having good sexual experiences.
00:12:33.280Well, not to mention just the training – the bad training tool, as you say, but also – I mean, it leads to all sorts of things.
00:12:41.360Performance issues with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, all of these other issues that more and more men are confronted with because of their regular use of pornography and masturbation.
00:13:19.080Well, this might be a bit of a tangent.
00:13:21.620I don't know if we want to address this right now, but I'm thinking about that because, yeah, you know, regardless – depending on which type of environment you grew up in, it could have – I would say if it was maybe more of a conservative environment, you're going to have a different perspective than somebody who might be growing up in more of a liberal environment around sexuality or exploring your body, that sort of thing.
00:13:44.260But then also there's the religious side of it as well.
00:13:47.460And it's really interesting because I've talked with so many men and women too who were shamed about don't have sex before you're married, don't do this, don't do that, be ashamed of it, hide like you're saying.
00:13:57.980And then all of a sudden you get married and it's like, go, start having all the babies, do everything.
00:14:02.000And it's like, whoa, I don't even – I still think this is bad because nobody told me now it's good.
00:14:06.600And I've talked with a lot of men who deal with that.
00:14:23.040And you can still have faith in your religion and not prescribe to those types of certain things.
00:14:28.940So that leads me to the question I wanted to ask about that, which again is a little bit of a tangent and we might come back to something else down the road.
00:14:36.280But regardless of how you grew up in that environment, hopefully men have a more healthy perspective of sex now in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and on.
00:14:45.520But how do you talk with your kids about this?
00:14:49.560I've got four kids, three boys and a girl, and I've had conversations, appropriate conversations, age-relevant conversations with all four of them.
00:15:00.000But how do you suggest you talk with them in a way that lets them know these things are natural and good and healthy if funneled through the right channels and done the right way with a level of respect and appreciation for you and a potential partner?
00:15:15.980Yeah, first, I just want to say, I don't have experience with this.
00:15:22.200So I'll do my best to share what I think I would say.
00:15:27.700But yeah, it really does depend on the ages.
00:15:31.140You know, the first thing is as they're younger, being able to reinforce that when they're touching themselves and exploring and understanding pleasure at a very young age, maybe they're three or four, that like, hey, that's okay.
00:15:45.060But that's something we do in private, you know, and not something, because that first instance of get your hands out of your pants, you shouldn't be doing that, can be like that first source of shame for a person around pleasure and sexuality.
00:16:02.660So being able to say like, hey, is everything okay down there?
00:16:08.180Does, you know, if that is something you like to do, that's something we do in private.
00:16:11.980But later on, if you're talking about, you know, healthy masturbation habits, I think that's always going to be an uncomfortable conversation for like a child to hear from their dad or mother.
00:16:29.260And I think it's, you know, I grew up in that very liberal environment.
00:16:33.660And I still had a lot of shame around sexuality from my porn use and whatnot.
00:16:40.700But being able to have that uncomfortable conversation with your child about like, hey, like it's okay to look at porn, you know, but it's not the best option.
00:16:53.120You know, it's not something that is real.
00:16:58.260It's, you know, you can start to explore how those things impacted you and that you tried it and it felt good, but maybe it isn't the best way.
00:17:09.360I think there's ways of explaining it through your own experience where you can validate them and also teach them.
00:17:16.620So, but you said something and I took a little bit, well, I took issue with is you had said, hey, it's okay if you look at porn.
00:17:25.560You would, you would say that if, if you had children, you would be okay with that?
00:17:30.880Even right now, I don't think looking at porn is the devil.
00:17:35.140You know, I think it's not good for you.
00:17:38.440Just like, I don't think having, you know, alcohol is good for you.
00:17:42.200But if you have one drink, I don't think you're a bad person.
00:17:46.540So like having that urge to watch the most sexually gratifying thing in the world that's so readily available to you.
00:17:55.620Like, I wouldn't shame my kid for doing that.
00:17:57.880I would be like, hey, I totally understand why you tried to watch that and want to watch that.
00:18:02.700Um, but you know, it, it didn't work out well for me and I would hate to see that happen to you.
00:18:13.280I mean, I think I would resonate more with that rather than saying, oh, it's okay.
00:18:16.820If you want to look at porn the same way, I wouldn't say to my child, hey, it's okay that you have one cigarette or it's okay that you have one drink.
00:18:25.300Um, but also to your point about making it a, making it a bad person, yeah, engaging in those behaviors doesn't automatically make you a bad person.
00:18:34.420And I think that's where the shame comes in.
00:18:36.300So, you know, conversations I've had is, uh, around, hey, look, I understand to your point, your natural desires and urges, especially as my two oldest boys get older to want to look at the female body.
00:19:08.860Where were you three minutes ago when I needed that?
00:19:10.820Um, but also what kind of destruction it can do to you.
00:19:16.780Um, but I am curious about the shame, uh, aspect because it seems like it might be hidden for a lot of men where maybe they're having performance issues or they're just feeling somewhat insecure in the bedroom or maybe even inferior or just a lot of insecurity.
00:19:37.180I imagine about, Hey, am I actually pleasuring this woman I'm with?
00:19:41.120Am I, am I meeting her desires and needs?
00:19:43.660Um, how do you know if that's rooted in shame and it might be uncovered and undiscovered?
00:19:51.880I mean, I would say most of the time it is rooted in shame, you know, not necessarily from religion or porn use, but just this idea that like, Hey, I'm not good enough.
00:20:03.940I'm not good enough for a woman or for love or for a relationship because I'm not performing like a porn star.
00:20:15.760So I think shame and guilt are inherent in, in that whole process because the whole idea is like, Oh, I, I didn't get up last night.
00:20:23.940I hope that doesn't happen again, because that would mean I'm less than I'm not a man.
00:20:30.860And so, yeah, I think shame is, is at the root of all of that.
00:20:35.620Well, I mean, and if you have those issues, then you weren't able to get it up and perform the next time.
00:20:42.680Not only do you have that same issue, but now you're in your head even more, which I imagine just creates an even greater problem.
00:20:49.280So the question then is, as men are experiencing these insecurities, uh, in the bedroom, how do you begin to work through and overcome some of the guilt and shame about you performing or not performing?
00:21:08.040I don't like it either, but it is kind of the term that we use.
00:21:11.460I think the first part is understanding, like one of the biggest mistakes that men make, like you said, when this anxiety perpetuates itself and just gets worse and worse is they shame themselves for having the issue, you know?
00:21:26.940And what I would say is like everything around us is creating a process for us to have performance anxiety.
00:21:39.580So it would be really normal to be nervous and have anxiety during sex.
00:21:48.080So like most people do, men and women.
00:21:51.480So giving yourself that compassion of like, okay, I'm not, you know, a loser.
00:22:11.200Um, but the first step, and you know, you mentioned safety earlier, what's happening in this whole mechanism is you don't feel safe during sex.
00:22:22.920There's anxiety around whether my body is going to do what I want it to do, whether I'm in my head or in my body and connected to myself.
00:22:33.060So the whole process is around creating safety in the bedroom for you.
00:22:50.300I mean, you talked, one thing is you said admitting that you need to make a change.
00:22:53.960So I'm curious, what are those changes that you suggest men make?
00:22:57.520And then what is that process diving deep into what men need to do in order to improve themselves, get out of their head, and then ultimately be able to perform and connect in the way that they want to have that intimacy?
00:23:11.660Well, when I said men need to have the humility to say, Hey, I need to make a change because I think most men don't want to admit that they have this problem and they want to try and override it.
00:23:23.360They don't want to say, I fear having sex with my partner.
00:23:26.820You know, I don't think anyone wants to say that, but no, that's not a good feeling.
00:39:42.800And then the next step, once you learn how to get out of your head and into your body and connect to your breath during pleasure,
00:39:51.840then you move that into sexual arousal with genital touch.
00:39:56.120So you're still connecting to that breath, but now you might start with that body mapping, that kind of foreplay of like, okay, I'm going to connect to my body and then start with a technique called edging,
00:40:10.980which would be bringing yourself up to the point close to ejaculation and then slowing down and letting your arousal fall and then ramping back up again.
00:40:20.980So again, we're trying to create safety in those higher levels of arousal.
00:41:32.300So you're not giving yourself a chance to have a good sexual experience if that's how you're engaging in sexual activity.
00:41:39.980What you need to do is like we started with step one.
00:41:43.580If you're starting the sexual experience at a 5 out of 10, 6 out of 10, and then as you start penetration, you only go to like 70% to the point of ejaculation.
00:43:10.240And there's still plenty of other things that we can do that isn't going to disrupt sex and the flow of sex and still make it extremely amazing and intimate.
00:43:22.160Maybe it's getting closer and slowing down and being more, you know, intimate in that way versus this hard and fast.
00:43:32.280So once you know what your edge is, you can really play with your breath.
00:43:39.160Also, you modulate your breath where if you want to get closer to an ejaculation, then it's this fast, short breath pattern.
00:43:49.020If you're like at that moment where your partner is faster, faster, and you're like, no, I want to slow down.
00:44:55.540So we've got edging and then there was some, was there something else to that?
00:45:00.280Well, there is a little bit something after that, which is around removing the goal of ejaculation from your practice.
00:45:08.540So that shouldn't be the only goal of pleasure and being able to get to that place of like, oh, this isn't like breaking that programming of pleasure equals ejaculation is really important.
00:45:40.700Maybe I'm just touching myself, touching my genital.
00:45:42.800It feels good, but it doesn't have to result in an ejaculation.
00:45:48.580And that's a really important distinction to be able to make with your partner too.
00:45:53.720It's like, hey, this doesn't have to be this goal oriented thing where it always has to result in you having an orgasm and me having an ejaculation.
00:46:03.360Like we can just have a good time together and see what happens.
00:46:09.640I imagine it just takes that, that idea just takes the pressure off of, of men who feel so pressured to be like, hey, I got to perform and I got to get her off and I've got to get off or I didn't succeed.
00:46:22.340And, and that performance mindset just makes sex so serious to me, you know, it's like I have a job to do.
00:46:30.840I got to make my wife happy tonight, you know, and it's like, maybe you've got other stuff going on and you, you have to switch on and be like, I got to, I got to focus.
00:47:33.180I think at that point it becomes transactional and not wrong necessarily.
00:47:39.940I mean, you're still trying to be connected in some way, but it just takes to your point, some of the real connection, intimacy, fun, excitement, novelty out of it.
00:49:26.680But I think of it like I'm single right now.
00:49:31.360So if I were to speak with a new partner and we were leading towards intimacy, like I would be talking about sex before we ever have it.
00:49:41.320To me, that's like the best possible way to understand if you want to give each other what you want and need.
00:49:47.860But if you're in a relationship and you're kind of for the first time mustering up the courage to ask for something new or ask to be touched, the first thing I would say is have that conversation outside of the bedroom.
00:50:04.280You don't want it to be like on the spot and have that pressure of your partner feeling like, oh, am I supposed to do it right now?
00:50:10.900And then this is going to lead to, you know, us having intimacy that would be quite forced.
00:50:17.120So being able to do it like outside when you're, you know, taking a walk or having a nice intimate moment together at a coffee shop or whatever, where it feels like you're connected already.
00:50:31.160And like, hey, by the way, I would love to talk to you about, you know, the other night what happened.
00:50:37.700I think one of the best ways to talk about sex is to like reinforce something that you loved.
00:50:43.880Hey, the other night when you did that thing, that was unbelievable.
00:51:03.320If you acknowledge something that somebody has done well, assuming they love and care about you, they're definitely going to want to do that for you again.
00:51:17.460And, but it takes courage to do that, right?
00:51:20.740And it's, I'm shocked sometimes, but I get it, where even reinforcing how much it means to you that your woman touched you in a certain way or did something for you feels foreign for a lot of men.
00:51:37.300I was thinking about it actually before this.
00:51:39.400There was a commercial back in the day, I forgot what it was, but it was like a beer can would drop on a guy's head if he said, like, he loved his wife, you know?
00:51:53.220And so there's this stigma that even saying like, hey, I loved it the way you touched me is like, you know, icky and something that men wouldn't say.
00:52:02.880But it's really important to give that feedback.
00:52:05.780And even things like, you know, I loved the way that you were in pleasure the other night.
00:52:12.400I love the way you moaned and I want to do that for you more.
00:52:24.940When your partner wants to do something for you because they love you, that feels unbelievable.
00:52:32.240So I give that back to your partner as well.
00:52:35.120To me, it seems like more often it would be that they don't ask because they're worried about perception or rejection or what she might think of him.
00:53:09.940So they really, really don't want to ask.
00:53:13.720It's, it's kind of fascinating to me too, because, you know, for the amount of time that we've been doing this, uh, I think men generally, most men really want to lead their, their wives.
00:53:25.940And, and I would say, generally, the overwhelming majority of women want to be led by a man who can lead.
00:53:34.380And if you're not communicating your wants, needs, desires, and things you want to try, then to me, that's a lack of leadership.
00:53:41.800That, that to me is a lack of masculinity, a lack of manliness.
00:53:45.720Because I think a man is willing to cast vision, communicate effectively, give feedback, participate in the project.
00:53:54.060You know, you, you look at it and think, okay, well, at work, I can do that.
00:53:58.340It sounds like it's the same thing in the bedroom.
00:54:02.620I'm really glad you said that because I feel like some of the rhetoric online and like red pill stuff that can really confuse men is that like, you should know.
00:54:12.220You shouldn't have to ask, you shouldn't have to talk about it.
00:54:15.320You should just, as a man, know and just do it.