Order of Man - Avoid the Mid-life Drift, Conflict Avoidance, and Weak Leadership ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 The things that keep you up at night, the things that excite you, the things that are on your mind

00:00:04.380 when nothing else is, the things that you're doing when time is moving the fastest. What is that? And

00:00:09.780 then roll into that. Lean into it. Be excited about it. Be passionate about it. Try to build

00:00:15.660 something. Try to create something. Try to start something from nothing. But yeah, it sounds a

00:00:21.980 little bit like you don't have any giants. That's a problem. Batman needs the Joker.

00:00:27.740 God means Satan, good means evil.

00:00:57.740 and see how he's recovering but we did pull up some good questions for the week and for better

00:01:02.800 or worse I'm going to answer these for you today and hopefully I'll give you some insight. I can't

00:01:08.060 say that my answers are going to be unequivocally correct but hopefully they give you something to

00:01:15.080 consider and chew on and think about as you improve your life. If you are looking for an

00:01:21.820 opportunity to ask these types of questions and more actually engage in the conversation

00:01:27.400 with men who are on the same path as you, like-minded men, some further out ahead of you,

00:01:32.720 some maybe a little further behind you, then look no further than our brotherhood,

00:01:38.020 the Iron Council. We're doing a preview call on June 9th, Tuesday, June 9th at 8 p.m. Eastern.

00:01:46.040 And I want every single man there tuning in, seeing what we're all about. So if you go to

00:01:52.440 theironcouncil.com slash preview, you can check it out. Theironcouncil.com slash preview,

00:02:00.440 June 9th at 8 p.m. Eastern. All right, guys, let's get into this today. I've got quite a few

00:02:06.300 questions here. I want to get these answered and hopefully we'll give you, like I said,

00:02:10.440 some things to consider and chew on. The first one comes from Kevin Dalton. He says,

00:02:15.780 Ryan I grew up poor and worked my ass off to get comfortable now that I have it I'm noticing that

00:02:23.200 I'm acting soft less hungry less driven not as sharp how does a man stay sharp and hard-edged

00:02:31.280 when the struggle that built him is gone so I have a theory I have a working theory about this

00:02:41.000 and my thought is that in the absence of struggle, men will create great things to struggle over.

00:02:50.540 And by default, it'll be silly, ridiculous things to struggle over. You might actually 0.58

00:02:57.980 pick a fight with your wife or your kids. You might blow up with somebody on social media,

00:03:04.680 maybe a troll and unnecessarily react or respond to what they might be saying because men are built

00:03:13.500 for battle we're built for a fight we're built for confrontation and the studies even bear that

00:03:19.640 out is that men are going to be much more confrontational than generally women are

00:03:26.120 so if we know that we're going to be confrontational and we know that we want to battle

00:03:31.720 then your, your biggest objective, this is for Kevin and for anybody else who might be feeling

00:03:37.380 like this is that you have to pick a meaningful struggle because if you don't, you're going to

00:03:46.360 coast like you are Kevin, or you're going to pick fights and battles that really have no bearing or

00:03:55.480 significance or relevance in the way that you want to live your life. So my suggestion to you

00:04:01.300 is to sit down and start documenting and writing out and thinking and maybe even having your phone

00:04:07.380 with you and creating a note in your phone about the injustices that you see in the world,

00:04:13.680 the struggles, the challenges, what bothers you, what fires you up, what gets you worked up.

00:04:22.240 And if you just start documenting all of these things and then reviewing it periodically,

00:04:27.520 I think what you'll find is there's some, there's some thread lines. There's some common themes

00:04:33.080 in the issues and the topics that bother you, whether it's politics or religion or sports or

00:04:39.760 the nuclear family or the lack thereof, whatever, you're going to be able to find very, very quickly

00:04:46.620 some things that matter to you. And the reason that they likely matter to you is because you

00:04:52.140 have been impacted by those things at some point in your life. You know, for me, I grew up without

00:04:58.740 having a permanent father figure in my home. And that was a big defining and not in the most

00:05:03.740 positive way factor of my childhood. And I don't want other men to experience that. I don't want

00:05:10.480 other children to feel that way. So this has now become my life's work is to do everything I can

00:05:18.460 to ensure that other people aren't experiencing the same things that I did when I was a child.

00:05:24.340 And that might be different for you. Maybe it was sexual abuse. Maybe it was just a distant father.

00:05:29.660 Maybe it was overcoming a medical or physical ailment or hardship. Whatever those things are,

00:05:36.880 those are the things that are meaningful. And if you, Kevin, don't have something that's driving

00:05:42.920 you, compelling you, pushing you, gosh, man, sign up for a Spartan race, sign up for our,

00:05:48.720 our forge event, which takes place next year in April, um, at the men's forge.com. You can check

00:05:55.240 it out. Sign up for something, maybe a engagement, something that's going to push you outside of your

00:06:02.160 comfort zone. Because what I've realized is that when I have something on the horizon, not so far

00:06:08.280 out that I can't see it, but far enough out where I can make out what it is, but I have some time to

00:06:13.600 deal with and prepare for it. I mean, Kip's a great example of that for months and months and

00:06:18.340 months point, maybe even the last year has been training for this Hawaii Ironman. And I'm sure

00:06:23.980 he's going to do great. I'm sure he's going to knock it out of the park. Um, but it takes something

00:06:29.820 like that for it to be compelling for men. In my experience, I don't want a small talk. I don't

00:06:37.900 want to you know sit around have tea or coffee in the morning with guys if we're not actually

00:06:43.100 moving the needle and i think most guys are like that so what is the challenge that's significant

00:06:47.800 for you that's going to push you outside of your comfort zone that's going to make you

00:06:53.160 want to excel in your life and sign up for it get going and and make it your new mission and that'll

00:07:01.000 help i think push you outside of your comfort zone and pass the complacency that you might be

00:07:06.100 experiencing right now. So this one comes from, uh, Paul Whitfield. He says, I'm a man of faith,

00:07:13.120 but my teenage son is pulling away. Uh, I don't want to force it on him and I don't want to push

00:07:19.860 him away further, but I feel like I'm failing him. If I just let go, how do you pass on conviction

00:07:26.340 without turning it into control? Well, look, Paul, the reality is, is that God has given you

00:07:35.880 sovereignty, right? He's given you agency over your life. Now I recognize his authority and his

00:07:41.860 sovereignty and his hand in every aspect of my life, but he doesn't intervene. He doesn't

00:07:47.860 interject. This is not something where he's going to have a confrontation with me and force my hand.

00:07:54.420 That's not what God does. In fact, we know biblically that God says you are allowed to

00:07:59.920 make your own decisions and we want faith and we want works and we want to return to him. But

00:08:03.900 Ultimately, those are our decisions.

00:08:06.680 We can make those decisions on our own accord.

00:08:11.740 And so if you know that, and I imagine you do,

00:08:14.520 but if you know that about God

00:08:16.600 and yet you're treating your son differently, 0.96

00:08:23.420 that might be a little bit hypocritical. 0.77

00:08:29.040 And I'm not saying that you are,

00:08:30.780 but you're tiptoeing on this question of hey i just i want him to follow the faith i want him

00:08:39.360 to do this thing i want to control the outcome and the reality is you can't you just can't the

00:08:45.580 best thing that you can do is to be influential to be credible and then also to think about how

00:08:51.360 your son responds to your messaging this might be a marketing lesson here a little bit but i think 1.00

00:08:57.480 it applies is i can't tell you how often i am completely turned off by bible thumpers i i think 1.00

00:09:05.980 that they believe what they're saying i i believe that they are probably in the right spirit of the 0.99

00:09:13.300 message but it's just obnoxious it really is like if everything is filtered through this lens

00:09:21.800 then it just becomes less relevant to me and i know not everybody feels like that i know there's

00:09:29.040 probably a a cadre of men right now who are listening to what i say who are those people

00:09:34.220 who are offended or upset or bothered like oh you should just do this thing think about

00:09:40.240 maybe i'll say it this way read the room guys read the room if you're pounding on that bible

00:09:48.200 and you're quoting scripture after scripture

00:09:50.940 after scripture and a guy that you're talking with

00:09:54.020 is just glossing over, checking out or tuned out,

00:09:57.300 maybe you ought to change your perspective.

00:09:59.740 And I already know what people are gonna say.

00:10:01.240 That's like, I'm not gonna be ashamed

00:10:02.380 of spreading the gospel.

00:10:04.180 I'm not saying you ought to be ashamed.

00:10:05.960 What I am saying though,

00:10:07.500 is that if you're not sharing in a way

00:10:09.180 that lands and resonates with people,

00:10:11.440 what good is even flapping your gums

00:10:13.340 or expending that air that it took you

00:10:15.960 to formulate those words?

00:10:17.240 And I wonder, Paul, for you, if you're sharing things in a way that doesn't land or doesn't resonate. So what I would suggest is asking questions, leading by example, sharing sparingly direct gospel messages, and maybe consider that there might be a way for you to share these concepts and ideas outside of the realm of religion and spirituality that might just land better.

00:10:45.420 And again, guys are going to say, well, you shouldn't be ashamed of God. I'm not telling you to do that. What I'm saying is that it doesn't land the same way for everybody else. In fact, we have the story of the prodigal son where the son, the rebel son decides to go out on his own and he struggles. And then he finally comes back and the father welcomes him with open arms.

00:11:10.480 So keep those arms open, keep, keep inviting, keep, keep proclaiming, keep bringing him in,

00:11:17.540 can, and also understand that this is a young man at this point, but he will be 18 at some

00:11:24.820 point in the not too distant future.

00:11:26.220 And he's going to start making his own decisions.

00:11:28.640 But if you're beating him over the head with the Bible or with spirituality or religion

00:11:34.540 or morality as a 14 15 16 17 18 year old kid it's not going to land the same as it might land for

00:11:44.080 you today and i think young men have have to be humbled a little bit i wish it weren't the case

00:11:53.000 my my 18 year old son is is out of the house now and he's going to go out to college and start

00:11:59.220 earning money and he's got a relationship that he's in. And, you know, sometimes we just have

00:12:04.460 to learn the hard way and it sucks because I don't want to see my son deal with that and go through

00:12:08.280 that. But what I would say is lead by example. Maybe again, I don't know your situation, but

00:12:14.800 maybe don't be so overbearing with it and see if you can slow walk or soft walk the message

00:12:22.600 and invite him into the fold so to speak and maybe a more casual way a more nonchalant way

00:12:30.360 all right let's go to the next one i hope that helps paul next one comes from alex drummond

00:12:36.400 he says i'm 45 which is my age too it's a good age it's a good year he says he's successful by

00:12:44.120 most measures but i feel like i'm just going through the motions no crisis just this low

00:12:50.540 grade emptiness is this just what middle age feels like or is there something a man's supposed to do

00:12:57.400 about it no i don't think it's supposed to be that way i don't think you're supposed to feel

00:13:02.440 like what was the word a low level or a low grade emptiness i have felt that way i'm not telling you

00:13:09.440 that i haven't felt that way i have but i don't think we're supposed to feel that way and this

00:13:14.460 goes back to what i was answering with kevin is you may have slayed all of your giants and that's

00:13:22.280 great you know i think at some point as a grown man you begin to slay all your giants um

00:13:28.860 number 20 years ago making the mortgage payment was was difficult and stressful for me

00:13:37.420 that's not a concern of mine anymore i've slayed that giant um and then your circumstances

00:13:44.360 has changed. Right. So 20 years ago it was, well, not even 20 years ago, but let's say 15, 16 years

00:13:50.680 ago, it was, how am I going to raise my first and second sons? I feel like a kid myself. How am I

00:13:58.260 going to do this? And that was, that was the giant that I needed to slay. It's not the giant anymore.

00:14:03.880 You know, I've got my two, two youngest kids that I'm raising and I've learned a lot of things and

00:14:09.060 I've struggled with a lot of things and I've figured a lot of things out. Um, but yeah, if

00:14:13.460 you're feeling this low grade level of emptiness in your life then the reality is is that you're

00:14:19.660 not pushing hard enough maybe you're coasting maybe your finances are set maybe your relationship

00:14:24.860 is solid um you know maybe you're working towards your dreams and desires what else what else do

00:14:30.800 you have in the tank i don't believe that we're supposed to just go off and ride into the sunset

00:14:37.780 never to be heard from again i mean you're 45 you're not even that old i don't consider myself

00:14:42.640 that old, maybe a little. My kids will remind me of that. But I've got 30, 40 years left to do some

00:14:49.320 great things. So what are those things going to be? And what are your ambitions? And what are

00:14:53.700 your desires? And what are your hopes and dreams? And the things that keep you up at night, the

00:14:58.600 things that excite you, the things that are on your mind when nothing else is, the things that

00:15:02.960 you're doing when time is moving the fastest. What is that? And then roll into that. Lean into it.

00:15:09.220 be excited about it be passionate about it try to build something try to create something

00:15:13.740 try to start something from nothing but yeah it sounds a little bit like well to me based on the

00:15:22.720 question you asked that you don't have any giants and that's a problem batman needs the joker right

00:15:31.080 god needs satan good needs evil if we didn't have evil there would not there'd be nothing

00:15:38.420 to triumph over. If there was nothing evil, then there would be no need for righteousness and

00:15:44.240 goodness. You actually have to have both. So what's your enemy? What's your battle? What's

00:15:49.880 your fight? What's your Goliath? You're David, he's Goliath. What is that? And if you don't have

00:15:56.600 it, it's time to get to the drawing board and figure out, all right, what is my Goliath? What

00:16:00.640 is my enemy that I need to work on? And I think that'll wake you up if it's the right thing.

00:16:04.920 and you might have to go through some experimentation to figure out what it is but once you figure out

00:16:10.240 what the right thing is you're gonna wake up inside uh this one comes from jimmy that's a

00:16:17.400 tough name oka oka for i think is how it's pronounced oka for he says ryan i really hate

00:16:25.600 conflict i try to keep peace i smooth things over i try to let things go my wife and my team at work

00:16:33.300 probably see it as easygoing. But honestly, I think it's me being afraid. How does a man

00:16:40.340 start having hard conversations when he's spent his whole life avoiding them?

00:16:47.320 I mean, this is a really solid question. And it's something that a lot of men deal with.

00:16:55.540 And I like that Jimmy said, I try to keep the peace. I try to smooth things over. I try to

00:17:00.700 let things go people easy going because being weak and I'm not trying to call you out Jimmy on

00:17:10.560 this but I have to say it this way being weak isn't virtuous but in order for us to justify

00:17:17.520 weakness and I'll explain what I mean here in a second in order for us to justify weakness

00:17:22.960 we have to paint it as virtuous because if it was if it was neutral meaning not virtuous

00:17:32.100 or even worse it was it was antithetical to virtue then we wouldn't be able to live with

00:17:38.280 ourselves right if you thought that the way you were showing up was not virtuous

00:17:43.140 you just change your behavior so what's interesting is that

00:17:47.800 our most insidious thoughts and ideas and behaviors are filtered through the lens of

00:17:57.820 justification we feel justified right so if if i let's make let's make up a few scenarios

00:18:08.500 if i were to cut in line somewhere at a restaurant or a theme park or something

00:18:14.040 then i would i would have to justify because we know you shouldn't be cutting in front of other

00:18:19.640 people who were there but i can do that if i can justify the fact that the park didn't open up on

00:18:27.180 time or the the gas station the convenience store doesn't have enough workers and they should do

00:18:33.440 better right so i'm going to put it all on them and then i can justify cutting in line

00:18:38.020 um i might justify not paying a contractor all the work that i or all the money i agreed to

00:18:47.380 because i could find little insignificant flaws or gripes with his quality of work and so i don't

00:18:54.960 have to pay for it because he didn't uphold his end of the deal or and i've even heard this before

00:19:01.660 is that men can justify cheating on their wife if they found out well she cheated she had an

00:19:08.920 emotional or physical affair and so that gives me permission slip to do the same thing and that's

00:19:13.780 not true our behavior should not be contingent upon what people do and do not do it should be

00:19:21.600 it should be a standalone product right we should be able to stand on our own merits without having

00:19:28.860 to justify or rationalize or explain why somebody did or did not do something to us.

00:19:34.640 But we do. That's what we do. And I think as I read this question, I've seen a lot of guys

00:19:44.300 giving a lot of explanation for this, but I see a lot of guys who say, well, you know, I'm just

00:19:51.040 trying to keep the peace. I'm trying to be easygoing. I'm trying to be accommodating.

00:19:55.920 I'm trying to compromise. See, all those words sound positive, right? Easygoing, compromising,

00:20:02.240 keeping the peace, like being nice, being kind. Those all sound really good.

00:20:09.980 And you hit on this, Jimmy. Underneath, you know that you're getting trampled. You know that you're

00:20:16.100 not sharing your perspective. You're not sharing your ideas. You're not even willing to rock the

00:20:20.400 boat if it meant that we could do this a little better maybe than we have in the past. And what

00:20:25.060 happens for a guy like that is we become ticking time bombs we become these guys who are so passive

00:20:33.060 and so timid and so weak and cowardly that we let everybody step all over us until we've just

00:20:39.780 had enough and then we lose our patience or we lash out verbally or physically and we create

00:20:48.360 problems with the people who are closest in our lives so i think the first thing jimmy that you

00:20:53.020 need to be aware of is that right now you're a ticking time bomb. And I already know this

00:20:58.600 because you're saying it. You wouldn't even say this if it wasn't frustrating you to some degree.

00:21:03.940 You would not ask this question if you felt like you had everything under control, which means that

00:21:09.000 the bubbles are starting to brew and starting to rise to the surface, if you will. So what I would

00:21:17.300 do is I would take very non-threatening situations, low risk situations, and I would start asserting

00:21:27.340 myself. So let's talk about in practicality what that looks like. Let's say you and your wife go

00:21:32.940 out to a restaurant and you go to a nice steakhouse and you ask for a steak medium or more accurately

00:21:44.860 either medium rare all right medium rare is the way to go so you you cook yeah you ask for your

00:21:51.340 steak medium rare and they bring it out and it's i don't even know what's after you know it's like

00:21:58.300 well done i don't know it's overcooked let's just say it's overcooked and instead of telling the

00:22:03.440 server hey my steak is overcooked you just chew on that beef jerky and you know pretend like you're

00:22:12.160 having a great time when you asked for a $40 steak to be cooked properly. Okay. It's very low risk

00:22:20.520 for you to say, Oh, excuse me, server. Um, I asked for this medium rare and it looks like it's well

00:22:27.420 done. I would like another steak cooked to my liking. Now for a nice guy, that's going to be

00:22:34.220 really, really difficult for somebody like me and other people who have worked on this over years,

00:22:39.900 if not decades, that's not difficult. I can square that circle, right? Like, or how is that

00:22:45.920 the phrase? Square that circle? I could, I, that computes for me. I'll say it that way. That

00:22:52.000 computes for me. I'm coming to your establishment. You told me that you're going to cook food the

00:22:58.540 way I want it. You asked me how I wanted it cooked. I told you everybody knows what a medium

00:23:03.820 rare steak is and it shouldn't be a hard thing to do especially if I'm going to pay $40 or more

00:23:12.240 for that steak so I don't feel bad asking for Joe Schmo to take my beef jerky back and give me an

00:23:21.160 actual tender properly cooked cut of meat but maybe you do okay here's another example I'm

00:23:29.840 trying to give you as many examples as i can here let's say your wife comes to you this weekend and

00:23:35.040 she's like hey babe like i'm so excited to spend the week weekend with you like it's been a busy

00:23:39.560 week and it'll just be nice to be able to relax and spend time together what would you like to do 0.99

00:23:44.680 your answer should not be i don't know that's stupid and you're abdicating leadership she 0.99

00:23:55.960 asked you what you want to do. Answer the freaking question. Oh, you know what, babe? Actually, I was 1.00

00:24:01.340 thinking Friday night, I'd love to do a night in with the kids. We can pick a movie. We can go out

00:24:07.460 in the backyard, pull up the projector, and we could watch a movie together over s'mores and

00:24:12.700 popcorn. Cool. She'll do that. She would love it. She'll actually go get all the supplies if you

00:24:18.280 tell her what you want. And then you say, and then Saturday, I'm going to wake up. I'm going to mow

00:24:23.040 the lawn. Got a few odds and ends around the house. Got to go to the hardware store. But Saturday

00:24:28.180 night, there's this new sushi place in town. And I think we should get reservations to go out

00:24:33.220 Saturday night and Cindy can come over and babysit the kids. Nice guys have a hard time doing that

00:24:41.840 because they think they're putting people out. The opposite is actually the truth. You're not

00:24:47.460 putting people out you're giving them a track to run on don't ever answer a question with i don't

00:24:54.080 know whatever you think okay and and don't take my my answer out of context i'm not saying that 0.78

00:25:03.400 if somebody asks you how to engineer a bridge that you should just make shit up that's not

00:25:07.700 what i'm saying and you know that so don't don't play that game what i'm saying is that if somebody 0.95

00:25:13.220 asks for your opinion give them your opinion if you're in a business meeting and your boss says

00:25:19.900 hey um who was this jimmy jimmy you know you're in uh you're in finance in the company um what

00:25:27.220 do you think well gee i don't i don't know i haven't really looked at it i'm gonna look at

00:25:33.380 it and see and whatever you guys think no no you're not gonna do that anymore what i say is

00:25:39.740 hey boss you know what we actually have the budget we came in under budget on another project and so

00:25:45.540 we have the budget to do this i think the best way to implement it is in three phases and here's

00:25:51.200 the one two and third phrase a phase that i would use or you might say hey boss we actually don't

00:25:56.480 have the budget we used all our marketing dollars on that last project and so we really won't have

00:26:01.320 the budget until july but we can put this in the queue and figure out what in july might work

00:26:06.740 do you see the difference you think you're being nice and accommodating by just saying 0.98

00:26:12.300 i don't know what i should do but you actually just sound like a loser

00:26:15.780 a winner says hey boss we can't do this right now and here's why but we can put this in the

00:26:22.980 queue and we can figure it out and we can budget for it in the next 90 days or we might say yeah

00:26:28.200 we do have the budget for it and here's how it would work and here's how we play it out and

00:26:31.180 here's how it pans out a boss is going to be way more appreciative of of that attitude than i don't

00:26:40.900 know what we should do why the freak did i hire you if you can't tell me what we should do with 1.00

00:26:46.480 our finances and the same is true with your wife if she's like hey babe we should go out this

00:26:50.800 weekend what do you want to do and you're like i don't know what we should do i i haven't thought 0.88

00:26:54.920 about it i don't know what but she didn't marry you so that she could make all the decisions she 0.96

00:27:01.280 married you so you could take charge and be the patriarch of your family which is hey babe movie 0.71

00:27:07.100 night with the kids friday night dinner and movie and amazing sex saturday night sunday we'll go to 0.95

00:27:13.700 church and sunday afternoon we got some things to do around the house she's not going to be put out

00:27:19.340 by that what she's actually going to do especially if you've never done this before is she's going to 0.98

00:27:23.920 be like finally the man that i wanted to marry not this timid cowardly little weakling who just 0.86

00:27:33.200 accommodates to everybody else and there's one other thing and i feel like i'm beating a dead

00:27:38.000 horse here this is really important when you're making decisions on behalf of what i call your

00:27:46.500 people so that might be your wife your kids or your clients or your employees or your neighbors

00:27:50.740 those are your people i'm not saying that you have to make decisions without taking them into 0.99

00:27:59.360 consideration because a lot of people interpret what i'm saying is just be a dick like just 0.96

00:28:04.560 railroad everybody this is the andrew tate this is the dan blizzardian or whatever his name that 0.96

00:28:11.920 that's their mentality is like it's my way or the highway that's not what i'm talking about

00:28:16.400 when you're leading people you make the decisions but you take your people into consideration so

00:28:23.040 i'll give you a real world example let's say saturday night you're thinking man i'd really

00:28:28.220 love to go to that sushi place but your wife's allergic to shellfish don't take her to the 0.97

00:28:35.900 fucking sushi place right like take her to the steakhouse so i'm not saying that you just make 0.98

00:28:42.760 decisions that are antithetical to what might be appropriate for your wife or your people i'm 0.99

00:28:49.820 saying take them into consideration if she hates sushi or she's allergic to shellfish maybe go out

00:28:56.480 with your buddies next weekend and do the seafood place but not with her right it's the same thing

00:29:03.980 with your kids and i've and i've done this a lot of guys live vicariously through sports through

00:29:09.520 their children and they'll tell their kids well you have to play football because i play football

00:29:16.200 so now you have to play football and your kid hates football but he loves soccer and i hate 0.99

00:29:23.380 soccer i really do i think it's kind of just a gay sport like i don't i don't understand i don't 0.86

00:29:29.900 understand soccer i don't even want to but if my kid likes soccer then i'll figure it out

00:29:36.140 like i don't need to run him through football because that's what i played when i was a kid

00:29:42.380 i just need to make sure what's the lesson that he's active and that he's engaged and he's

00:29:46.960 training and he's got goals and objectives and he's building teamwork and self-development i

00:29:52.800 don't care if that's done through soccer or hockey or lacrosse or football or tennis or golf

00:29:58.320 it doesn't matter to me so what i'm doing is i'm making decisions that i think will benefit

00:30:05.400 my people but I'm taking them into consideration if I want to go on a family trip with the entire

00:30:13.940 family but I know my oldest son has a huge lacrosse tournament I'm not going to just

00:30:19.520 bulldoze everybody and say we're doing this it doesn't matter no he's got a big lacrosse

00:30:25.520 tournament this weekend I think I can push the family trip up a week or back a week

00:30:30.500 so it doesn't give you permission to just bulldoze everybody and bully people you still have to take

00:30:38.580 them into consideration but if your wife asks you what you want to do this weekend take take her 0.97

00:30:46.800 ideas into consideration and then make a damn decision that is attractive to women it's 0.93

00:30:53.320 attractive to men too by the way clients and friends it's like oh i know ryan's gonna be the 0.99

00:30:59.120 guy. I know Jimmy is the guy who's going to make decisions. All right. I beat a dead horse on that

00:31:03.900 one, Jimmy. Um, let's go to Ben Castile. He says, what do you do when you want to lead your family,

00:31:14.260 but nobody asked you to my wife and I have operated as equals for 10 years and I feel

00:31:21.360 called to step up differently. How do you shift that dynamic without feeling like a power grab?

00:31:29.000 Well, this is a good question.

00:31:32.460 You want to step up more fully.

00:31:34.160 This kind of leads into what Jimmy was asking about.

00:31:36.280 You want to step up more fully.

00:31:37.780 You want to be engaged.

00:31:39.520 You want to lead the family well.

00:31:41.060 But you said you and your wife have operated as equals.

00:31:46.800 It's an interesting choice of words.

00:31:50.820 People aren't equal, Ben.

00:31:54.080 I would say we're equal in worth, but that's about it.

00:31:58.360 In the eyes of God, we're all equal in worth as sons, divine sons, and daughters of God, right?

00:32:06.100 Outside of that, we are not equal.

00:32:09.060 Some people are tall.

00:32:10.220 Some people are short.

00:32:11.420 Some people are fat.

00:32:12.500 Some people are skinny.

00:32:13.700 Some people are extremely intelligent. 1.00

00:32:15.860 Some people are kind of dumb. 0.99

00:32:17.500 Some people work in trades. 1.00

00:32:19.180 Some people work in blue collar.

00:32:21.420 Some people are white collar.

00:32:25.000 Women are different than men.

00:32:26.660 men are generally physically stronger we process information differently our bones are denser 0.96

00:32:34.700 we tend to be more directional versus our female counterparts who are more relational they're

00:32:41.700 typically smaller they're generally kinder more empathetic more nurturing like these this is just 0.92

00:32:47.800 the reality and so if if people come to me and they're telling me well you know ryan men are

00:32:54.160 women are equal to men in what universe are you talking about in the spiritual realm yeah we're

00:33:00.820 we're both of equal worth we're both infinitely valuable as as souls but no a woman is not equal 0.98

00:33:12.140 to me and i'm not equal to a woman i can't have a child but she can't fist fight a potential

00:33:20.000 intruder so are we equal no and that's what i want you to know in this in this context ben

00:33:28.860 you said you're you and your wife is i have operated as equals for 10 years and i feel

00:33:35.120 called to step up differently what i'm willing to contend with you on without knowing your situation

00:33:41.420 is that you think that equal means that she has just as much say in as many things as you do. 0.99

00:33:51.980 And that's dumb. Okay. Let me give you an example. I'm a former financial advisor. I spent 0.99

00:34:00.620 close to a decade researching, studying, standing finances, understanding how money works and

00:34:07.660 markets and all of this stuff. If my ex, my, my now ex-wife was equal with equal with me

00:34:15.280 in that department, then we should have just as many opportunities to express how we should

00:34:26.080 handle the money in the relationship. But here's the problem. She didn't have the knowledge. She

00:34:32.620 didn't have the education. She didn't have the experience and she didn't know how markets or 0.76

00:34:37.040 money worked. So why would I hand over the reins to somebody who doesn't understand how finances

00:34:44.520 work? The same is true about raising children. Think about this for a second. Let's say you're

00:34:52.060 teaching your child. Maybe they're, I don't know, five, five years old, four or five years old when

00:34:56.340 they're trying to ride a bike, maybe six. And you'll go out into the driveway and you've got

00:35:02.680 little Susie and you take her training wheels off and she's so excited she looks cute and her little

00:35:07.500 purple unicorn bicycle helmet and she's got a little sundress on she just looks so cute you're

00:35:13.700 so excited and you're pushing her down the driveway training wheels are off you're holding

00:35:17.780 on to the back of the seat and you push her you push her you push her and then finally you let go

00:35:22.120 and when you let go she goes for 10 feet 15 20 feet and then you can see it right you can see

00:35:32.280 it she starts leaning she starts turning she starts freaking out and she she topples over

00:35:38.420 on the bike and she scrapes her knee and you're out there with little suzy and your wife is out

00:35:47.240 there and she's watching this and she's taking pictures because she's so excited for both of you 0.97

00:35:51.280 what does your wife do she runs over she picks up little suzy she brings her inside she she blows 1.00

00:36:01.580 her breath onto her, her owie. She runs really warm water, room temperature water over her 1.00

00:36:12.160 boo-boo. She kisses it. She puts a little Paw Patrol bandaid on, on her, her knee. And she says,

00:36:20.400 I love you. I'm so proud of you. You did so good. Okay. What does dad do? Dad goes into the kitchen

00:36:27.680 and says, all right, Susie, you got your bandaid on, let's go. And you scoop her up and you bring

00:36:33.080 her outside and you're like, all right, babe, I know you're scared. I know it's scary, but you

00:36:38.320 can do it. I'm right here. I'm going to hold onto the seat until you're ready for me to let go.

00:36:41.380 But you're getting back on the bike and we're going right now with your boo-boo, with your

00:36:45.740 Paw Patrol bandaid on, you're going right now. Who's right and who's wrong? Is mom right or wrong

00:36:53.140 or is dad right or wrong you're both right mom did her job nurturing empathy kindness

00:37:05.640 passion support she's she's being lovely and beautiful and kind she did an amazing job with

00:37:14.460 little Susie and you let her do it number one and then you scooped her up and you're instilling

00:37:22.680 courage and bravery and grit and resolve and directionality into little Susie's heart.

00:37:33.320 Both are right. Both are right. So that's a long way to bring this back. When you say that

00:37:41.880 we operated for equals for 10 years now, and now I feel called to step up differently. You don't

00:37:47.060 need to wrestle power as a leader it's not my job to do everything it's my job as the leader or the

00:37:53.500 head of the household in this case to ensure that everything gets done that's your job your job is

00:38:00.720 not to do everything that's what wrestling power looks like i have to do this i have to manage this

00:38:05.800 i have to control this i have to know what's going on that's what it looks like to wrestle

00:38:10.320 power and control. But as a leader and a man, the patriarch of your home, it's not to ensure

00:38:17.940 that you do everything. It's to ensure that everything gets done. So if your wife is better

00:38:25.000 at you than finances, you damn well better have her keep the books. If you're a better cook than 1.00

00:38:33.920 your wife, then you're going to be the one who's cooking meals 80% of the time.

00:38:40.320 figure out what your guys' strengths and weaknesses are

00:38:43.840 and say, hey, babe, I love you in these departments.

00:38:45.900 This is so good.

00:38:46.600 This is so incredible.

00:38:48.380 The way you raise the kids

00:38:49.720 or the way that you provide for us in the kitchen

00:38:52.540 or even out at work,

00:38:54.640 like these are the things that I love about you

00:38:56.440 and here's what I think I'm good at.

00:38:58.020 And the first conversation might be,

00:39:00.460 hey, babe, I really wanna step up more in a relationship.

00:39:04.440 And especially, especially, Ben,

00:39:07.020 if you've been abdicating responsibility,

00:39:09.060 you can't just come in there and just start barking orders because who's this guy who decided

00:39:14.220 to show up two minutes ago when we've been doing this for 20 years it's going to undermine what

00:39:19.500 you're trying to accomplish but you might go to her and say hey babe look um i know in the past

00:39:26.280 you've asked me to take over in these areas you've asked me to be responsible for these things in the

00:39:30.300 relationship and i really feel like i've been abdicating responsibility and i i want to step

00:39:35.720 up. I want to do it more fully. What does that look like to you? And what areas of the dynamic

00:39:42.620 of our household do you feel like you could use the most support and guidance and leadership and

00:39:47.340 direction in? If she doesn't answer that question or can't answer that question, that's a whole

00:39:53.260 other conversation. But let's just say for the sake of argument, she says, you know what? I would

00:39:58.280 just really love for you to be responsible for the finances of the household. Cool. I can do that.

00:40:05.720 one thing my ex-wife used to ask for ask for and i never did this and i did to my to my regret

00:40:13.260 is she said i just need you to take care of doing the homeschooling stuff on wednesday

00:40:19.320 it wasn't even the entire homeschooling stuff it's like teaching science

00:40:22.840 and i didn't do it and looking back now it would have been an easy in fact i started to do it as

00:40:29.200 we were going through our divorce proceedings and i loved it but i never did it so the best

00:40:35.660 way, again, I'm being long-winded here. Guys, the best way to start inserting yourself into

00:40:41.300 leadership positions is don't come in there guns ablaze and say, this is the way it's going to work 0.99

00:40:45.960 now, woman. Here's what we're doing. That's not going to work. Instead, approach it with a little 1.00

00:40:53.820 bit of dignity in class. Hey babe, look, you've been asking for me to do these things. I haven't

00:40:58.780 been doing these things. I've been listening to this podcast and this schmuck is encouraging me 0.98

00:41:03.300 to do these things and I really want to do it so where do we start and she might if she says I don't

00:41:10.120 know then maybe you can come with some answers that goes back to a previous question and the

00:41:14.300 answer might be well look I'm really good with finances I'm very organized I like keeping track

00:41:19.840 of the budget what do you say I take that over and we do a Monday money meeting every single week

00:41:27.120 where we talk about income finances we talk about the budget savings investments etc etc

00:41:33.120 is that something we could do i think even if she's skeptical and she might have reasons to

00:41:41.080 be skeptical i think the overwhelming majority of women would be like yeah actually or let's say

00:41:51.680 you've got four or five kids and you said hey babe i know i haven't been really good about

00:41:57.260 helping out at bedtime. Um, I really want to make sure that I help. And so can I be responsible for

00:42:04.980 making sure that the children, uh, brush their teeth, put their clothes in the dirty hamper,

00:42:12.440 get pajamas on and get in bed on time. And then I'll read them a story or sing to them.

00:42:18.720 And then you can come in and, you know, kiss them goodnight and do whatever you want to do. 0.95

00:42:22.440 is there a woman out there who'd be like i don't want that i don't want my husband to step up that

00:42:29.380 way of course not or or this weekend you said hey babe and this goes back to a previous question

00:42:34.960 hey babe like i know we've been talking about wanting to go on date nights and man we used to

00:42:41.820 do that 10 years ago when we were dating we used to go out all the time and we used to have fun at

00:42:46.180 the bar or at this concert or at the movie or at dinner and i would really like to start doing that 1.00

00:42:51.800 again can I be responsible for date night every week what woman's gonna be like nope don't want

00:42:59.060 that don't want you to don't want you to do that no she's gonna be like yeah hell yeah I would love 1.00

00:43:05.020 for you to do that and you're like great because I think the babysitter's name I use was Cindy

00:43:10.420 um if I remember right from a previous question great because Cindy's coming over Saturday night

00:43:15.320 she'll be here at six o'clock um and we've got her from six to ten and i got reservations at

00:43:23.180 the steakhouse or the sushi house or the soup place or like whatever she likes and then oh 0.91

00:43:29.460 also we're gonna go see downton abbey or whatever women like movie wise what woman 0.68

00:43:37.980 mind's gonna be like no i don't want you to do that no what she's gonna do is she's gonna 0.99

00:43:43.920 i was gonna say she's gonna hand it over to you she's not actually and this is the last point

00:43:50.580 that i'll make and i'll move on to another question she's not gonna hand it over because

00:43:53.860 she doesn't believe you yet because your track record says that you talk a big game but you

00:44:02.580 don't follow through on it so what she's probably gonna say jimmy to you is yeah yeah yeah yeah

00:44:09.960 that'd be great. Um, Oh, excuse me. This is Ben's question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be great.

00:44:15.660 But she's a little reserved, a little hesitant in the background because she knows you've said

00:44:19.420 these things before. So you got to follow through and you got to be consistent. All right.

00:44:25.100 Went off on some tangents on that one. This one comes from Scott Harmon. He says,

00:44:31.180 how do you deal with regret? Not the motivational version, the actual real thing. I'm not really

00:44:37.700 sure what the motivational version of regret is. Decisions I can't undo. I'm tired of carrying it.

00:44:46.580 Well, I have some regrets in life. I used to say maybe five or six years ago, I don't have any

00:44:53.860 regrets. No, that's not true. I do. I do have regrets. There's ways that I could have showed

00:44:57.600 up more fully and some are more painful lessons than others. So if you're tired of carrying it,

00:45:07.280 then you have to decide to put it down.

00:45:10.320 That's the first step.

00:45:12.240 I'm no longer going to carry the burden of the man I used to be.

00:45:18.180 So if I was drinking all the time and I did bad things

00:45:22.500 or lashed out to my loved ones,

00:45:25.400 at some point you just have to make a decision and say to yourself,

00:45:30.480 that was the old Scott.

00:45:32.860 In my case, that was the old Ryan.

00:45:34.680 and I wish I would have handled that differently

00:45:37.520 but I'm a new person now

00:45:39.140 I think it's Bruce Lee who has the quote

00:45:41.300 is it Bruce Lee?

00:45:42.940 no

00:45:43.260 it's probably more of an ancient stoic

00:45:46.640 I can't remember

00:45:48.180 you guys can quote me on this and figure this out

00:45:50.040 but

00:45:50.280 no man steps in the same river twice

00:45:54.540 for it is not the same river

00:45:56.840 and he is not the same man

00:45:58.860 another quote is

00:46:01.480 this might be true

00:46:03.420 man

00:46:04.160 my references are off today this might be Gandhi

00:46:06.620 he says each night when I go to sleep I wake up the next morning

00:46:13.840 and I am reborn I'm paraphrasing but what he's saying is that tomorrow is a brand new day it's

00:46:22.500 a new slate for you and it's not even a new slate it's actually better than that because you have

00:46:28.060 history, you have experiences, you have lessons, and all of that is just data. And I know it's

00:46:34.660 painful when the data that you've collected about how you're showing up means that you got a divorce

00:46:41.460 or means that you mistreated somebody or alienated a relationship or lost money

00:46:48.500 or went to prison. There's decisions that we've made that have real world consequences and we

00:46:56.560 don't get to absolve ourself of those consequences, the best thing that we can do is say that was

00:47:01.480 Ryan yesterday. That was a guy, a different version, an early model who didn't have all

00:47:09.780 the tools or mental fortitude or stamina or resolve or whatever skill set to make a better

00:47:15.320 decision. But I am now because that one hurt. That one stung. Imagine with me for a second

00:47:24.280 that you're a kid maybe you're five years old and you go into the kitchen and you see the fire

00:47:30.880 on the burner on the stove and it's so enticing it's so appealing

00:47:35.700 and so you reach your hand out and you put your hand right on it just flat on the burner on the

00:47:45.280 stove and of course what happens you burn your hand right immediate second third degree burns

00:47:50.840 on your hand and it's painful and you start crying and tearing up and screaming and everything else

00:47:56.040 because it's painful that's that is a feature of being a human being it's not a bug the fact

00:48:04.720 that we can feel pain is not a bug that's what most people say modern therapy doctrine says well 0.96

00:48:11.920 you should never feel bad that's stupid that's like saying that you should not burn your hand 0.95

00:48:19.400 on the stove when you place it on the hot the hot plate why do we have feelings physical and 0.99

00:48:26.520 emotional feelings to teach us right if if if i didn't have nerve endings and i put my hand on

00:48:36.040 the hot stove it might not hurt but would it still damage me absolutely right it would burn my hand

00:48:43.640 it would if i kept there long enough it would tear into the muscle and start cooking the muscle

00:48:48.340 and then my hand wouldn't be as functional as it is now.

00:48:54.340 So our pain receptors or nerve endings are not a burden.

00:49:01.300 They're a blessing.

00:49:04.560 I'm glad that I can feel pain when I smash my thumb with the hammer. 0.98

00:49:09.740 I'm glad because I don't want to keep smashing my fucking thumb with the hammer. 0.96

00:49:13.420 i'm glad that i can feel heat and i can get closer to or further away based on if i'm cold or hot 0.96

00:49:20.920 i'm grateful for that i'm glad that i have sensitivity in my fingertips so i can type

00:49:28.460 away on my keyboard or i can send a text to somebody i love and care about and also i don't

00:49:34.640 want to smash my fingertips with a hammer but you can't have one without the other but and we all

00:49:41.100 know that inherently we know that we know our nerves are good things our nerve endings the

00:49:45.420 ability to feel physical pain is a good thing but when it comes to emotions we have been led to 0.96

00:49:51.400 believe that you should never feel bad well you feel bad something's off no you're just a freaking

00:49:58.960 human being oh well you feel guilty or sad you just need to let it go no you shouldn't let it go

00:50:05.560 because it's teaching you something valuable and so here's my formula it's very simple

00:50:14.900 it's not easy it's not the miracle it's not the fix but it's a simple formula

00:50:20.160 for overcoming regret and guilt and shame number one

00:50:26.180 make amends all right if you've wronged somebody let's say you've got a contractor that did

00:50:35.540 some work for you you didn't feel like you did a good job but you still owe him a couple grand

00:50:39.220 get write a check and just give him a couple thousand dollars is it gonna be that big of a

00:50:45.060 deal in the grand scheme of things is your own salvation or your own sense of worth worth two

00:50:51.080 thousand dollars i hope it's worth a little more than that just write the guy a check for two

00:50:56.920 thousand dollars send a message and say hey i'm sorry i had a i had a close friend in fact he

00:51:02.520 worked within our organization months and months ago we got into it on facebook over nothing i

00:51:07.560 don't even remember what it's about over nothing absolutely nothing and both of us dug in our heels 0.82

00:51:13.420 and we were arrogant about it we were jerks to each other and then i ended up blocking him

00:51:18.900 on social media and kicked him out of our groups and it might have been a month or two later i 0.71

00:51:26.700 messaged him and i'm like hey man look i could have handled that differently and he messaged me

00:51:32.020 back he's like yeah i could have handled that differently too i was going through a time and

00:51:35.680 a trial and so brit water under the bridge like we're good we're in fact we have a better

00:51:41.600 relationship now than we did before because we just tried to make amends like i said i'm sorry

00:51:47.140 because i was i messed up i didn't handle that properly he said sorry because he messed up he

00:51:52.200 didn't handle it properly and we both drove on so that's step number one is make amends

00:51:56.260 step number two change your behavior

00:52:00.540 if you're really sorry about something then the best apology is changed behavior 0.98

00:52:07.360 so if you've been a jerk to your wife say i'm sorry tell her exactly what you've done and how 0.98

00:52:17.100 you've messed up and then change the behavior and do it forever consistently because i mean 0.99

00:52:25.580 And how many times do you think she's going to listen to you when you say, sorry, if you say it every week for doing the same dumb thing over and over again?

00:52:34.600 And the hard part of life, Scott, is that we are free to do what we want to do, but we're not free of the consequences.

00:52:48.060 And this is the third step is to give people their agency.

00:52:55.580 Well, I should say honor their agency.

00:52:57.640 You can't give it to them.

00:52:59.180 Honor their agency.

00:53:02.000 All right, so step number one is make amends, say sorry, fix it if you can, reparations,

00:53:06.440 et cetera.

00:53:06.820 So number one, fix it.

00:53:08.700 Number two, change behavior.

00:53:10.660 Number three, honor agency.

00:53:14.680 So if your wife came to you and she says, hey, I want a divorce, make amends, say sorry,

00:53:20.680 fix it where you can.

00:53:22.000 Number two, change behavior.

00:53:23.480 The third part, this is the hardest.

00:53:25.580 Honoring agency just because you change doesn't mean she's obligated to stay with you.

00:53:32.560 That's the hardest part of this.

00:53:35.840 But one thing that's helped me is that I want people to honor my agency.

00:53:40.600 I don't want to be pigeonholed.

00:53:43.000 I don't want to be strong-armed.

00:53:44.920 I don't want to be manipulated.

00:53:46.760 I don't want to be coerced.

00:53:48.000 I don't want to be forced into doing something that goes against my will.

00:53:51.840 I don't want that.

00:53:52.960 And if I don't want that, then I have to be fair in realizing that other people don't want that as well.

00:54:00.880 And that's it.

00:54:04.060 And I think if you do those things, you will feel better about the regrets that you have.

00:54:08.840 And I don't know what regrets you have.

00:54:11.840 It's decisions that you can't undo.

00:54:13.960 Right, correct.

00:54:14.900 You cannot undo a decision.

00:54:16.540 all you can do is try to make amends change your behavior honor agency those are the three things

00:54:24.480 that you can do and then what i would say is to make a little mental permission slip in your mind

00:54:31.280 that when you've done those three things you because you've decided are allowed to put the

00:54:39.180 weight down and i've had to do that in in my divorce and other aspects of my life where i've

00:54:45.300 messed up, I've given myself permission to put down the load. But only once I do those three

00:54:53.980 things. If I don't do those three things, then I can't put the weight down yet because I haven't

00:54:58.060 done my part. So again, make amends, change behavior, honor agency. And then, and in fact,

00:55:09.160 i have a rule i have a one apology rule if i mess up if i do something stupid or say something dumb

00:55:16.340 or somebody in some way i i have a one apology rule and that rule goes like this if i've done

00:55:23.480 something that warrants an apology i give one genuine sincere heartfelt apology period one

00:55:33.260 i don't give three i don't give 10 i don't give 20 i don't perpetually apologize for the rest of

00:55:39.040 myself and, and, you know, bow down and worship before. No, you get one apology and it's sincere

00:55:45.160 and it's genuine. And once I've done that sincere, genuine, heartfelt apology, I'm done with

00:55:50.060 apologies. I can let that part go. That's what I can control, but I can't control how you receive

00:55:55.300 it. All right, let's go to Will Thatcher. And this might be our last one today, but he says this,

00:56:05.700 He says, uh, my last male friendship was in my late, my last real male friendship was in my late

00:56:13.880 twenties. He's got acquaintances now guys he golfs with neighbors, et cetera, but nothing with any

00:56:19.640 depth. Is this just the reality of being a man in his forties or am I doing something wrong?

00:56:26.700 Well, you're not doing anything wrong because well, okay. Yes you are, but it's different.

00:56:32.960 I'll give you some advice here. Um, this is not uncommon. That's, that's probably a better way

00:56:37.700 to say that. I think you're doing something wrong and I'll explain what it is, but it's not uncommon

00:56:42.260 because we don't know as men how to have these conversations. This is part of the reason the

00:56:47.680 iron council is so important because we're fostering the conversations. We're, we're giving 0.59

00:56:53.340 you fodder for the discussion. We're helping facilitate accountability and interaction.

00:56:59.460 And that's why I really want you guys to go to that preview call that we're doing on June 9th.

00:57:03.580 If you're interested in learning more about it, go to theironcouncil.com slash preview and you can get signed up.

00:57:10.760 But you are doing something wrong, but it's not uncommon.

00:57:17.440 Most of the relationships that we as men have in our lives are what I would call default, not designed relationships, right?

00:57:25.120 so a default relationship is he said he's in his 40s so let's say he's 40 years old let's say he's

00:57:31.460 48 easy math a default relationship would be a 30 year old relationship that you had with your high

00:57:38.840 school buddy when you guys graduated why you're still in that relationship what he's bringing

00:57:44.020 to your life what what you're bringing to his it's questionable but i don't know you've just

00:57:48.820 always been his friend so i guess it feels like we should just keep doing this that is a default

00:57:54.740 relationship. Another default relationship is old Joe Schmo, your neighbor, who you just happen to

00:58:03.020 interact with when you guys are mowing your lawn. And so like, it's just default. It's,

00:58:08.860 that's it. Like, he's my neighbor and here we are. Or a coworker, that's another one.

00:58:14.880 Like the guy that works in the cubicle or the office next to you is just your friend because

00:58:19.240 you guys are in proximity. Now, I'm not saying these are wrong because Joe Schmo, your neighbor,

00:58:24.380 might be awesome. The guy in the office next to you might be a rock star. The guy that you went

00:58:29.420 to high school with may be an incredible entrepreneur or a family man or a spiritual

00:58:33.980 counselor for you. But that's where the design comes in. And you have to ask yourself in every

00:58:40.760 relationship, is this somebody that I'm just operating out of default mentality, meaning

00:58:45.580 they're not doing anything to improve my standard of living. I'm not doing anything to improve theirs.

00:58:50.820 and we're just friends because we have been for 30 years that's default mentality you want design

00:58:57.240 mentality so joe schmo is mowing his lawn and i ask him hey joe what do you do for work and he's a

00:59:04.400 uh i don't know maybe he's a high-powered attorney in town and i'm in financial services

00:59:11.020 that's that's a good relationship to know that's somebody that would be worthy of you know fostering

00:59:17.120 and building out a relationship with or maybe he's an incredible entrepreneur and he can give

00:59:20.760 me insight and ideas and I decide to go to lunch with him, not because he's my neighbor, but because

00:59:25.960 there's some reciprocity that can take place here. The other thing that I've noticed with guys is

00:59:31.640 that we have a hard time going deep. Women do this really, really well by default. Okay. They're 1.00

00:59:38.640 hardwired for relationships. Men can do it too in extreme settings. So the first example of that

00:59:49.600 would be sports where let's say you're playing second base and your shortstop has an error and

00:59:56.980 misses the throw or misses the ground ball and then you jump down his throw you're like bro what

01:00:01.320 are you doing like you got to come up with those throw that better and then he does it better next

01:00:04.940 time so we're actually pretty good in those environments or if there's an active shooter

01:00:08.780 situation or a dangerous situation um or or something you know extreme like that we could 1.00

01:00:14.460 we can actually do it but women will just sit around i i don't know like drinking tea and 0.99

01:00:23.500 they got they gossip right and we laugh at it as if it's a bad it's it can be mean-spirited but 0.86

01:00:30.500 also there's a purpose for gossip and that is relatability that is to keep yourself safe and

01:00:36.360 so you all the women get together and they start gossiping about you know suzu store and how she's 1.00

01:00:42.940 kind of a hussy and she flirts with all the other husbands or all the other wives husbands like

01:00:48.600 they do that and it's good but they're but they're good at it they're good at relationships you know 0.99

01:00:54.680 like how many times have you come home and your wife's like hey how was uh how was john good

01:01:00.580 like what did you guys do uh we golfed we hit the back nine over at the golf course oh how's his

01:01:06.420 wife i'm i don't know oh well how's his kids like his oldest just graduated when was that

01:01:13.180 i don't know i i have no idea what would you find out well he he shot a great round of golf like he

01:01:20.340 hit par um and he beat me like that's that's what we as men know but women are really good at the

01:01:28.500 relational side of things so you have to do this by design the best way to do this as a man is let's

01:01:35.720 take that golfing scenario let's say you get a foursome of guys together on sunday and maybe you

01:01:43.480 know one really well and two guys you're you're kind of getting to know maybe they work with you

01:01:47.840 or whatever the best thing to do is to start asking deeper questions because if you just say

01:01:55.700 hey well tell me about your new driver that's fine you can but it's a surface level conversation

01:02:01.740 or hey when's the last time you golfed it's like i golf last week it's like cool what's your

01:02:07.420 handicap cool none of that matters when you're trying to build a real relationship so it's your

01:02:16.400 job as somebody who wants to build and foster a brotherhood to go deeper than what's that driver

01:02:23.320 what's your handicap how's the sports team that you how's the weather no it's like hey man so

01:02:29.820 tell me what you do for work. And he says, Oh, I'm an accountant. It's like, Oh, cool. So you

01:02:34.080 just got past busy season. What's your, what's your biggest fear? Like AI is coming out and

01:02:39.260 that's gotta be a fear of yours. Uh, do you have any concerns about how AI might impact and affect

01:02:45.360 your business? That's a real question, right? Or if you say, Hey, so, um, how long you've been

01:02:52.320 married? And he's like, I've been married for 15 years. It's like, Oh, cool. I've been married for

01:02:56.620 12, what's one thing that you feel like you've learned over the past three or four years that

01:03:01.460 would help me in my relationship? That's a good question. Or, you know, what's, man, I've been

01:03:09.820 struggling in my marriage. My wife and I, you know, we love each other, no doubt, but we have a hard

01:03:13.800 time connecting because the kids just take precedent over our entire lives. How have you managed to

01:03:19.140 keep the spark alive? That's a good question. Deeper your question. And look, you're going to

01:03:25.820 have some guys who don't want to participate and that's fine. Like if I'm golfing with you and you

01:03:31.300 ask me that question, I'm, I might blow you off. I'm gonna be like, I don't know. I haven't really

01:03:35.280 thought about it much. And then go on to the next hole and start golfing again. Okay. You know that

01:03:39.920 I'm not interested and that's good information. That's good data to have. Or if I'm like, man,

01:03:46.320 that's a good question. I'm gonna have to think about that. You know, here's a couple of things

01:03:49.300 that come to mind right off hand. Then, you know, okay, this is a guy who's more thoughtful. This

01:03:53.380 is a guy who might actually be interested in having a deeper conversation but you kind of

01:03:58.520 have to test the waters a little bit dip your toe in the in the water and see if this is somebody

01:04:04.580 who's both capable of and desirous of having these types of meaningful discussions and you

01:04:11.980 just ask questions that's how you do it so um the other thing i would say and i say this all the time

01:04:19.780 there's really three places you should go to meet a potential band of brothers so number one is the

01:04:25.500 gym and that could mean a lot of different things that could mean the actual gym or a hiking club

01:04:30.060 or jujitsu or a running club or a cycling club something like that but you the gym number two

01:04:36.800 is business functions chamber rotary business network international different industry and

01:04:43.640 trade events and conferences. And then the third is church. Those are where the successful men go.

01:04:51.380 They go to the gym, they're in business and they go to church. So that's where you meet guys of

01:04:58.540 the caliber you're interested in connecting with. All right, guys, I've got three or four other

01:05:03.500 questions here. We're not going to get to them today. I'll save those for when Kit comes back

01:05:07.960 next week, but just wanted to share that insight with you and let you know, or at least give you

01:05:13.240 some ideas that might help i know this is always better with kip that's why i love having kip on

01:05:18.700 the podcast so we'll make sure that he's back next week and we'll finish up these questions but i hope

01:05:23.620 i gave you some things to consider and i didn't get too far off on the the tangents and the rabbit

01:05:28.580 holes so um anyways guys make sure in the meantime that you check out our preview call again june 9th

01:05:36.720 at 8 p.m eastern at the iron council.com slash preview we're going to pull back the curtain and

01:05:42.380 show you exactly what we're doing in there and why thousands and thousands of men have gone

01:05:46.180 through these programs and really leveled up their health, their wealth, their relationships,

01:05:51.260 and every other aspect of their life. Again, theironcouncil.com slash preview. All right,

01:05:57.080 guys, I'll be back on Friday for our Friday Field Notes. Until then, go out there, take action,

01:06:02.100 and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:06:07.680 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:06:11.320 we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - June 03, 2026

Avoid the Mid-life Drift, Conflict Avoidance, and Weak Leadership ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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