Avoid the Mid-life Drift, Conflict Avoidance, and Weak Leadership ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 6 minutes
Words per minute
168.04951
Harmful content
Misogyny
19
sentences flagged
Toxicity
40
sentences flagged
Hate speech
27
sentences flagged
Summary
In this episode, I answer some of your questions and give you some insight into what it means to be a man when the struggle that built you is gone. 1. How does a man stay sharp and hard-edged when the struggles that built him are gone? 2. How can a man survive without struggle? 3. How do you deal with the loss of the things that keep you up at night? 4. What do you do when you don't have something compelling to propel you forward?
Transcript
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The things that keep you up at night, the things that excite you, the things that are on your mind
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when nothing else is, the things that you're doing when time is moving the fastest. What is that? And
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then roll into that. Lean into it. Be excited about it. Be passionate about it. Try to build
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something. Try to create something. Try to start something from nothing. But yeah, it sounds a
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little bit like you don't have any giants. That's a problem. Batman needs the Joker.
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and see how he's recovering but we did pull up some good questions for the week and for better
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or worse I'm going to answer these for you today and hopefully I'll give you some insight. I can't
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say that my answers are going to be unequivocally correct but hopefully they give you something to
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consider and chew on and think about as you improve your life. If you are looking for an
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opportunity to ask these types of questions and more actually engage in the conversation
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with men who are on the same path as you, like-minded men, some further out ahead of you,
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some maybe a little further behind you, then look no further than our brotherhood,
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the Iron Council. We're doing a preview call on June 9th, Tuesday, June 9th at 8 p.m. Eastern.
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And I want every single man there tuning in, seeing what we're all about. So if you go to
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theironcouncil.com slash preview, you can check it out. Theironcouncil.com slash preview,
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June 9th at 8 p.m. Eastern. All right, guys, let's get into this today. I've got quite a few
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questions here. I want to get these answered and hopefully we'll give you, like I said,
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some things to consider and chew on. The first one comes from Kevin Dalton. He says,
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Ryan I grew up poor and worked my ass off to get comfortable now that I have it I'm noticing that
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I'm acting soft less hungry less driven not as sharp how does a man stay sharp and hard-edged
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when the struggle that built him is gone so I have a theory I have a working theory about this
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and my thought is that in the absence of struggle, men will create great things to struggle over.
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And by default, it'll be silly, ridiculous things to struggle over. You might actually
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pick a fight with your wife or your kids. You might blow up with somebody on social media,
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maybe a troll and unnecessarily react or respond to what they might be saying because men are built
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for battle we're built for a fight we're built for confrontation and the studies even bear that
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out is that men are going to be much more confrontational than generally women are
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so if we know that we're going to be confrontational and we know that we want to battle
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then your, your biggest objective, this is for Kevin and for anybody else who might be feeling
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like this is that you have to pick a meaningful struggle because if you don't, you're going to
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coast like you are Kevin, or you're going to pick fights and battles that really have no bearing or
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significance or relevance in the way that you want to live your life. So my suggestion to you
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is to sit down and start documenting and writing out and thinking and maybe even having your phone
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with you and creating a note in your phone about the injustices that you see in the world,
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the struggles, the challenges, what bothers you, what fires you up, what gets you worked up.
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And if you just start documenting all of these things and then reviewing it periodically,
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I think what you'll find is there's some, there's some thread lines. There's some common themes
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in the issues and the topics that bother you, whether it's politics or religion or sports or
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the nuclear family or the lack thereof, whatever, you're going to be able to find very, very quickly
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some things that matter to you. And the reason that they likely matter to you is because you
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have been impacted by those things at some point in your life. You know, for me, I grew up without
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having a permanent father figure in my home. And that was a big defining and not in the most
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positive way factor of my childhood. And I don't want other men to experience that. I don't want
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other children to feel that way. So this has now become my life's work is to do everything I can
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to ensure that other people aren't experiencing the same things that I did when I was a child.
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And that might be different for you. Maybe it was sexual abuse. Maybe it was just a distant father.
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Maybe it was overcoming a medical or physical ailment or hardship. Whatever those things are,
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those are the things that are meaningful. And if you, Kevin, don't have something that's driving
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you, compelling you, pushing you, gosh, man, sign up for a Spartan race, sign up for our,
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our forge event, which takes place next year in April, um, at the men's forge.com. You can check
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it out. Sign up for something, maybe a engagement, something that's going to push you outside of your
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comfort zone. Because what I've realized is that when I have something on the horizon, not so far
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out that I can't see it, but far enough out where I can make out what it is, but I have some time to
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deal with and prepare for it. I mean, Kip's a great example of that for months and months and
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months point, maybe even the last year has been training for this Hawaii Ironman. And I'm sure
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he's going to do great. I'm sure he's going to knock it out of the park. Um, but it takes something
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like that for it to be compelling for men. In my experience, I don't want a small talk. I don't
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want to you know sit around have tea or coffee in the morning with guys if we're not actually
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moving the needle and i think most guys are like that so what is the challenge that's significant
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for you that's going to push you outside of your comfort zone that's going to make you
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want to excel in your life and sign up for it get going and and make it your new mission and that'll
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help i think push you outside of your comfort zone and pass the complacency that you might be
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experiencing right now. So this one comes from, uh, Paul Whitfield. He says, I'm a man of faith,
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but my teenage son is pulling away. Uh, I don't want to force it on him and I don't want to push
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him away further, but I feel like I'm failing him. If I just let go, how do you pass on conviction
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without turning it into control? Well, look, Paul, the reality is, is that God has given you
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sovereignty, right? He's given you agency over your life. Now I recognize his authority and his
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sovereignty and his hand in every aspect of my life, but he doesn't intervene. He doesn't
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interject. This is not something where he's going to have a confrontation with me and force my hand.
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That's not what God does. In fact, we know biblically that God says you are allowed to
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make your own decisions and we want faith and we want works and we want to return to him. But
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and yet you're treating your son differently,
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but you're tiptoeing on this question of hey i just i want him to follow the faith i want him
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to do this thing i want to control the outcome and the reality is you can't you just can't the
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best thing that you can do is to be influential to be credible and then also to think about how
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your son responds to your messaging this might be a marketing lesson here a little bit but i think
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it applies is i can't tell you how often i am completely turned off by bible thumpers i i think
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that they believe what they're saying i i believe that they are probably in the right spirit of the
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message but it's just obnoxious it really is like if everything is filtered through this lens
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then it just becomes less relevant to me and i know not everybody feels like that i know there's
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probably a a cadre of men right now who are listening to what i say who are those people
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who are offended or upset or bothered like oh you should just do this thing think about
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maybe i'll say it this way read the room guys read the room if you're pounding on that bible
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after scripture and a guy that you're talking with
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is just glossing over, checking out or tuned out,
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And I wonder, Paul, for you, if you're sharing things in a way that doesn't land or doesn't resonate. So what I would suggest is asking questions, leading by example, sharing sparingly direct gospel messages, and maybe consider that there might be a way for you to share these concepts and ideas outside of the realm of religion and spirituality that might just land better.
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And again, guys are going to say, well, you shouldn't be ashamed of God. I'm not telling you to do that. What I'm saying is that it doesn't land the same way for everybody else. In fact, we have the story of the prodigal son where the son, the rebel son decides to go out on his own and he struggles. And then he finally comes back and the father welcomes him with open arms.
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So keep those arms open, keep, keep inviting, keep, keep proclaiming, keep bringing him in,
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can, and also understand that this is a young man at this point, but he will be 18 at some
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And he's going to start making his own decisions.
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But if you're beating him over the head with the Bible or with spirituality or religion
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or morality as a 14 15 16 17 18 year old kid it's not going to land the same as it might land for
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you today and i think young men have have to be humbled a little bit i wish it weren't the case
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my my 18 year old son is is out of the house now and he's going to go out to college and start
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earning money and he's got a relationship that he's in. And, you know, sometimes we just have
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to learn the hard way and it sucks because I don't want to see my son deal with that and go through
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that. But what I would say is lead by example. Maybe again, I don't know your situation, but
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maybe don't be so overbearing with it and see if you can slow walk or soft walk the message
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and invite him into the fold so to speak and maybe a more casual way a more nonchalant way
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all right let's go to the next one i hope that helps paul next one comes from alex drummond
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he says i'm 45 which is my age too it's a good age it's a good year he says he's successful by
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most measures but i feel like i'm just going through the motions no crisis just this low
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grade emptiness is this just what middle age feels like or is there something a man's supposed to do
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about it no i don't think it's supposed to be that way i don't think you're supposed to feel
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like what was the word a low level or a low grade emptiness i have felt that way i'm not telling you
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that i haven't felt that way i have but i don't think we're supposed to feel that way and this
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goes back to what i was answering with kevin is you may have slayed all of your giants and that's
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great you know i think at some point as a grown man you begin to slay all your giants um
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number 20 years ago making the mortgage payment was was difficult and stressful for me
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that's not a concern of mine anymore i've slayed that giant um and then your circumstances
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has changed. Right. So 20 years ago it was, well, not even 20 years ago, but let's say 15, 16 years
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ago, it was, how am I going to raise my first and second sons? I feel like a kid myself. How am I
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going to do this? And that was, that was the giant that I needed to slay. It's not the giant anymore.
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You know, I've got my two, two youngest kids that I'm raising and I've learned a lot of things and
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I've struggled with a lot of things and I've figured a lot of things out. Um, but yeah, if
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you're feeling this low grade level of emptiness in your life then the reality is is that you're
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not pushing hard enough maybe you're coasting maybe your finances are set maybe your relationship
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is solid um you know maybe you're working towards your dreams and desires what else what else do
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you have in the tank i don't believe that we're supposed to just go off and ride into the sunset
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never to be heard from again i mean you're 45 you're not even that old i don't consider myself
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that old, maybe a little. My kids will remind me of that. But I've got 30, 40 years left to do some
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great things. So what are those things going to be? And what are your ambitions? And what are
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your desires? And what are your hopes and dreams? And the things that keep you up at night, the
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things that excite you, the things that are on your mind when nothing else is, the things that
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you're doing when time is moving the fastest. What is that? And then roll into that. Lean into it.
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be excited about it be passionate about it try to build something try to create something
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try to start something from nothing but yeah it sounds a little bit like well to me based on the
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question you asked that you don't have any giants and that's a problem batman needs the joker right
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god needs satan good needs evil if we didn't have evil there would not there'd be nothing
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to triumph over. If there was nothing evil, then there would be no need for righteousness and
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goodness. You actually have to have both. So what's your enemy? What's your battle? What's
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your fight? What's your Goliath? You're David, he's Goliath. What is that? And if you don't have
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it, it's time to get to the drawing board and figure out, all right, what is my Goliath? What
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is my enemy that I need to work on? And I think that'll wake you up if it's the right thing.
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and you might have to go through some experimentation to figure out what it is but once you figure out
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what the right thing is you're gonna wake up inside uh this one comes from jimmy that's a
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tough name oka oka for i think is how it's pronounced oka for he says ryan i really hate
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conflict i try to keep peace i smooth things over i try to let things go my wife and my team at work
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probably see it as easygoing. But honestly, I think it's me being afraid. How does a man
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start having hard conversations when he's spent his whole life avoiding them?
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I mean, this is a really solid question. And it's something that a lot of men deal with.
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And I like that Jimmy said, I try to keep the peace. I try to smooth things over. I try to
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let things go people easy going because being weak and I'm not trying to call you out Jimmy on
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this but I have to say it this way being weak isn't virtuous but in order for us to justify
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weakness and I'll explain what I mean here in a second in order for us to justify weakness
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we have to paint it as virtuous because if it was if it was neutral meaning not virtuous
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or even worse it was it was antithetical to virtue then we wouldn't be able to live with
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ourselves right if you thought that the way you were showing up was not virtuous
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you just change your behavior so what's interesting is that
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our most insidious thoughts and ideas and behaviors are filtered through the lens of
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justification we feel justified right so if if i let's make let's make up a few scenarios
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if i were to cut in line somewhere at a restaurant or a theme park or something
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then i would i would have to justify because we know you shouldn't be cutting in front of other
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people who were there but i can do that if i can justify the fact that the park didn't open up on
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time or the the gas station the convenience store doesn't have enough workers and they should do
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better right so i'm going to put it all on them and then i can justify cutting in line
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um i might justify not paying a contractor all the work that i or all the money i agreed to
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because i could find little insignificant flaws or gripes with his quality of work and so i don't
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have to pay for it because he didn't uphold his end of the deal or and i've even heard this before
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is that men can justify cheating on their wife if they found out well she cheated she had an
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emotional or physical affair and so that gives me permission slip to do the same thing and that's
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not true our behavior should not be contingent upon what people do and do not do it should be
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it should be a standalone product right we should be able to stand on our own merits without having
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to justify or rationalize or explain why somebody did or did not do something to us.
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But we do. That's what we do. And I think as I read this question, I've seen a lot of guys
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giving a lot of explanation for this, but I see a lot of guys who say, well, you know, I'm just
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trying to keep the peace. I'm trying to be easygoing. I'm trying to be accommodating.
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I'm trying to compromise. See, all those words sound positive, right? Easygoing, compromising,
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keeping the peace, like being nice, being kind. Those all sound really good.
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And you hit on this, Jimmy. Underneath, you know that you're getting trampled. You know that you're
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not sharing your perspective. You're not sharing your ideas. You're not even willing to rock the
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boat if it meant that we could do this a little better maybe than we have in the past. And what
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happens for a guy like that is we become ticking time bombs we become these guys who are so passive
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and so timid and so weak and cowardly that we let everybody step all over us until we've just
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had enough and then we lose our patience or we lash out verbally or physically and we create
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problems with the people who are closest in our lives so i think the first thing jimmy that you
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need to be aware of is that right now you're a ticking time bomb. And I already know this
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because you're saying it. You wouldn't even say this if it wasn't frustrating you to some degree.
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You would not ask this question if you felt like you had everything under control, which means that
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the bubbles are starting to brew and starting to rise to the surface, if you will. So what I would
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do is I would take very non-threatening situations, low risk situations, and I would start asserting
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myself. So let's talk about in practicality what that looks like. Let's say you and your wife go
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out to a restaurant and you go to a nice steakhouse and you ask for a steak medium or more accurately
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either medium rare all right medium rare is the way to go so you you cook yeah you ask for your
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steak medium rare and they bring it out and it's i don't even know what's after you know it's like
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well done i don't know it's overcooked let's just say it's overcooked and instead of telling the
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server hey my steak is overcooked you just chew on that beef jerky and you know pretend like you're
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having a great time when you asked for a $40 steak to be cooked properly. Okay. It's very low risk
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for you to say, Oh, excuse me, server. Um, I asked for this medium rare and it looks like it's well
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done. I would like another steak cooked to my liking. Now for a nice guy, that's going to be
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really, really difficult for somebody like me and other people who have worked on this over years,
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if not decades, that's not difficult. I can square that circle, right? Like, or how is that
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the phrase? Square that circle? I could, I, that computes for me. I'll say it that way. That
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computes for me. I'm coming to your establishment. You told me that you're going to cook food the
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way I want it. You asked me how I wanted it cooked. I told you everybody knows what a medium
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rare steak is and it shouldn't be a hard thing to do especially if I'm going to pay $40 or more
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for that steak so I don't feel bad asking for Joe Schmo to take my beef jerky back and give me an
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actual tender properly cooked cut of meat but maybe you do okay here's another example I'm
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trying to give you as many examples as i can here let's say your wife comes to you this weekend and
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she's like hey babe like i'm so excited to spend the week weekend with you like it's been a busy
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week and it'll just be nice to be able to relax and spend time together what would you like to do
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your answer should not be i don't know that's stupid and you're abdicating leadership she
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asked you what you want to do. Answer the freaking question. Oh, you know what, babe? Actually, I was
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thinking Friday night, I'd love to do a night in with the kids. We can pick a movie. We can go out
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in the backyard, pull up the projector, and we could watch a movie together over s'mores and
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popcorn. Cool. She'll do that. She would love it. She'll actually go get all the supplies if you
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tell her what you want. And then you say, and then Saturday, I'm going to wake up. I'm going to mow
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the lawn. Got a few odds and ends around the house. Got to go to the hardware store. But Saturday
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night, there's this new sushi place in town. And I think we should get reservations to go out
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Saturday night and Cindy can come over and babysit the kids. Nice guys have a hard time doing that
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because they think they're putting people out. The opposite is actually the truth. You're not
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putting people out you're giving them a track to run on don't ever answer a question with i don't
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know whatever you think okay and and don't take my my answer out of context i'm not saying that
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if somebody asks you how to engineer a bridge that you should just make shit up that's not
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what i'm saying and you know that so don't don't play that game what i'm saying is that if somebody
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asks for your opinion give them your opinion if you're in a business meeting and your boss says
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hey um who was this jimmy jimmy you know you're in uh you're in finance in the company um what
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do you think well gee i don't i don't know i haven't really looked at it i'm gonna look at
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it and see and whatever you guys think no no you're not gonna do that anymore what i say is
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hey boss you know what we actually have the budget we came in under budget on another project and so
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we have the budget to do this i think the best way to implement it is in three phases and here's
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the one two and third phrase a phase that i would use or you might say hey boss we actually don't
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have the budget we used all our marketing dollars on that last project and so we really won't have
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the budget until july but we can put this in the queue and figure out what in july might work
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do you see the difference you think you're being nice and accommodating by just saying
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i don't know what i should do but you actually just sound like a loser
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a winner says hey boss we can't do this right now and here's why but we can put this in the
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queue and we can figure it out and we can budget for it in the next 90 days or we might say yeah
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we do have the budget for it and here's how it would work and here's how we play it out and
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here's how it pans out a boss is going to be way more appreciative of of that attitude than i don't
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know what we should do why the freak did i hire you if you can't tell me what we should do with
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our finances and the same is true with your wife if she's like hey babe we should go out this
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weekend what do you want to do and you're like i don't know what we should do i i haven't thought
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about it i don't know what but she didn't marry you so that she could make all the decisions she
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married you so you could take charge and be the patriarch of your family which is hey babe movie
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night with the kids friday night dinner and movie and amazing sex saturday night sunday we'll go to
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church and sunday afternoon we got some things to do around the house she's not going to be put out
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by that what she's actually going to do especially if you've never done this before is she's going to
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be like finally the man that i wanted to marry not this timid cowardly little weakling who just
0.86
00:27:33.200
accommodates to everybody else and there's one other thing and i feel like i'm beating a dead
00:27:38.000
horse here this is really important when you're making decisions on behalf of what i call your
00:27:46.500
people so that might be your wife your kids or your clients or your employees or your neighbors
00:27:50.740
those are your people i'm not saying that you have to make decisions without taking them into
0.99
00:27:59.360
consideration because a lot of people interpret what i'm saying is just be a dick like just
0.96
00:28:04.560
railroad everybody this is the andrew tate this is the dan blizzardian or whatever his name that
0.96
00:28:11.920
that's their mentality is like it's my way or the highway that's not what i'm talking about
00:28:16.400
when you're leading people you make the decisions but you take your people into consideration so
00:28:23.040
i'll give you a real world example let's say saturday night you're thinking man i'd really
00:28:28.220
love to go to that sushi place but your wife's allergic to shellfish don't take her to the
0.97
00:28:35.900
fucking sushi place right like take her to the steakhouse so i'm not saying that you just make
0.98
00:28:42.760
decisions that are antithetical to what might be appropriate for your wife or your people i'm
0.99
00:28:49.820
saying take them into consideration if she hates sushi or she's allergic to shellfish maybe go out
00:28:56.480
with your buddies next weekend and do the seafood place but not with her right it's the same thing
00:29:03.980
with your kids and i've and i've done this a lot of guys live vicariously through sports through
00:29:09.520
their children and they'll tell their kids well you have to play football because i play football
00:29:16.200
so now you have to play football and your kid hates football but he loves soccer and i hate
0.99
00:29:23.380
soccer i really do i think it's kind of just a gay sport like i don't i don't understand i don't
0.86
00:29:29.900
understand soccer i don't even want to but if my kid likes soccer then i'll figure it out
00:29:36.140
like i don't need to run him through football because that's what i played when i was a kid
00:29:42.380
i just need to make sure what's the lesson that he's active and that he's engaged and he's
00:29:46.960
training and he's got goals and objectives and he's building teamwork and self-development i
00:29:52.800
don't care if that's done through soccer or hockey or lacrosse or football or tennis or golf
00:29:58.320
it doesn't matter to me so what i'm doing is i'm making decisions that i think will benefit
00:30:05.400
my people but I'm taking them into consideration if I want to go on a family trip with the entire
00:30:13.940
family but I know my oldest son has a huge lacrosse tournament I'm not going to just
00:30:19.520
bulldoze everybody and say we're doing this it doesn't matter no he's got a big lacrosse
00:30:25.520
tournament this weekend I think I can push the family trip up a week or back a week
00:30:30.500
so it doesn't give you permission to just bulldoze everybody and bully people you still have to take
00:30:38.580
them into consideration but if your wife asks you what you want to do this weekend take take her
0.97
00:30:46.800
ideas into consideration and then make a damn decision that is attractive to women it's
0.93
00:30:53.320
attractive to men too by the way clients and friends it's like oh i know ryan's gonna be the
0.99
00:30:59.120
guy. I know Jimmy is the guy who's going to make decisions. All right. I beat a dead horse on that
00:31:03.900
one, Jimmy. Um, let's go to Ben Castile. He says, what do you do when you want to lead your family,
00:31:14.260
but nobody asked you to my wife and I have operated as equals for 10 years and I feel
00:31:21.360
called to step up differently. How do you shift that dynamic without feeling like a power grab?
00:31:34.160
This kind of leads into what Jimmy was asking about.
00:31:41.060
But you said you and your wife have operated as equals.
00:31:54.080
I would say we're equal in worth, but that's about it.
00:31:58.360
In the eyes of God, we're all equal in worth as sons, divine sons, and daughters of God, right?
00:32:26.660
men are generally physically stronger we process information differently our bones are denser
0.96
00:32:34.700
we tend to be more directional versus our female counterparts who are more relational they're
00:32:41.700
typically smaller they're generally kinder more empathetic more nurturing like these this is just
0.92
00:32:47.800
the reality and so if if people come to me and they're telling me well you know ryan men are
00:32:54.160
women are equal to men in what universe are you talking about in the spiritual realm yeah we're
00:33:00.820
we're both of equal worth we're both infinitely valuable as as souls but no a woman is not equal
0.98
00:33:12.140
to me and i'm not equal to a woman i can't have a child but she can't fist fight a potential
00:33:20.000
intruder so are we equal no and that's what i want you to know in this in this context ben
00:33:28.860
you said you're you and your wife is i have operated as equals for 10 years and i feel
00:33:35.120
called to step up differently what i'm willing to contend with you on without knowing your situation
00:33:41.420
is that you think that equal means that she has just as much say in as many things as you do.
0.99
00:33:51.980
And that's dumb. Okay. Let me give you an example. I'm a former financial advisor. I spent
0.99
00:34:00.620
close to a decade researching, studying, standing finances, understanding how money works and
00:34:07.660
markets and all of this stuff. If my ex, my, my now ex-wife was equal with equal with me
00:34:15.280
in that department, then we should have just as many opportunities to express how we should
00:34:26.080
handle the money in the relationship. But here's the problem. She didn't have the knowledge. She
00:34:32.620
didn't have the education. She didn't have the experience and she didn't know how markets or
0.76
00:34:37.040
money worked. So why would I hand over the reins to somebody who doesn't understand how finances
00:34:44.520
work? The same is true about raising children. Think about this for a second. Let's say you're
00:34:52.060
teaching your child. Maybe they're, I don't know, five, five years old, four or five years old when
00:34:56.340
they're trying to ride a bike, maybe six. And you'll go out into the driveway and you've got
00:35:02.680
little Susie and you take her training wheels off and she's so excited she looks cute and her little
00:35:07.500
purple unicorn bicycle helmet and she's got a little sundress on she just looks so cute you're
00:35:13.700
so excited and you're pushing her down the driveway training wheels are off you're holding
00:35:17.780
on to the back of the seat and you push her you push her you push her and then finally you let go
00:35:22.120
and when you let go she goes for 10 feet 15 20 feet and then you can see it right you can see
00:35:32.280
it she starts leaning she starts turning she starts freaking out and she she topples over
00:35:38.420
on the bike and she scrapes her knee and you're out there with little suzy and your wife is out
00:35:47.240
there and she's watching this and she's taking pictures because she's so excited for both of you
0.97
00:35:51.280
what does your wife do she runs over she picks up little suzy she brings her inside she she blows
1.00
00:36:01.580
her breath onto her, her owie. She runs really warm water, room temperature water over her
1.00
00:36:12.160
boo-boo. She kisses it. She puts a little Paw Patrol bandaid on, on her, her knee. And she says,
00:36:20.400
I love you. I'm so proud of you. You did so good. Okay. What does dad do? Dad goes into the kitchen
00:36:27.680
and says, all right, Susie, you got your bandaid on, let's go. And you scoop her up and you bring
00:36:33.080
her outside and you're like, all right, babe, I know you're scared. I know it's scary, but you
00:36:38.320
can do it. I'm right here. I'm going to hold onto the seat until you're ready for me to let go.
00:36:41.380
But you're getting back on the bike and we're going right now with your boo-boo, with your
00:36:45.740
Paw Patrol bandaid on, you're going right now. Who's right and who's wrong? Is mom right or wrong
00:36:53.140
or is dad right or wrong you're both right mom did her job nurturing empathy kindness
00:37:05.640
passion support she's she's being lovely and beautiful and kind she did an amazing job with
00:37:14.460
little Susie and you let her do it number one and then you scooped her up and you're instilling
00:37:22.680
courage and bravery and grit and resolve and directionality into little Susie's heart.
00:37:33.320
Both are right. Both are right. So that's a long way to bring this back. When you say that
00:37:41.880
we operated for equals for 10 years now, and now I feel called to step up differently. You don't
00:37:47.060
need to wrestle power as a leader it's not my job to do everything it's my job as the leader or the
00:37:53.500
head of the household in this case to ensure that everything gets done that's your job your job is
00:38:00.720
not to do everything that's what wrestling power looks like i have to do this i have to manage this
00:38:05.800
i have to control this i have to know what's going on that's what it looks like to wrestle
00:38:10.320
power and control. But as a leader and a man, the patriarch of your home, it's not to ensure
00:38:17.940
that you do everything. It's to ensure that everything gets done. So if your wife is better
00:38:25.000
at you than finances, you damn well better have her keep the books. If you're a better cook than
1.00
00:38:33.920
your wife, then you're going to be the one who's cooking meals 80% of the time.
00:38:40.320
figure out what your guys' strengths and weaknesses are
00:38:43.840
and say, hey, babe, I love you in these departments.
00:38:49.720
or the way that you provide for us in the kitchen
00:38:54.640
like these are the things that I love about you
00:39:00.460
hey, babe, I really wanna step up more in a relationship.
00:39:09.060
you can't just come in there and just start barking orders because who's this guy who decided
00:39:14.220
to show up two minutes ago when we've been doing this for 20 years it's going to undermine what
00:39:19.500
you're trying to accomplish but you might go to her and say hey babe look um i know in the past
00:39:26.280
you've asked me to take over in these areas you've asked me to be responsible for these things in the
00:39:30.300
relationship and i really feel like i've been abdicating responsibility and i i want to step
00:39:35.720
up. I want to do it more fully. What does that look like to you? And what areas of the dynamic
00:39:42.620
of our household do you feel like you could use the most support and guidance and leadership and
00:39:47.340
direction in? If she doesn't answer that question or can't answer that question, that's a whole
00:39:53.260
other conversation. But let's just say for the sake of argument, she says, you know what? I would
00:39:58.280
just really love for you to be responsible for the finances of the household. Cool. I can do that.
00:40:05.720
one thing my ex-wife used to ask for ask for and i never did this and i did to my to my regret
00:40:13.260
is she said i just need you to take care of doing the homeschooling stuff on wednesday
00:40:19.320
it wasn't even the entire homeschooling stuff it's like teaching science
00:40:22.840
and i didn't do it and looking back now it would have been an easy in fact i started to do it as
00:40:29.200
we were going through our divorce proceedings and i loved it but i never did it so the best
00:40:35.660
way, again, I'm being long-winded here. Guys, the best way to start inserting yourself into
00:40:41.300
leadership positions is don't come in there guns ablaze and say, this is the way it's going to work
0.99
00:40:45.960
now, woman. Here's what we're doing. That's not going to work. Instead, approach it with a little
1.00
00:40:53.820
bit of dignity in class. Hey babe, look, you've been asking for me to do these things. I haven't
00:40:58.780
been doing these things. I've been listening to this podcast and this schmuck is encouraging me
0.98
00:41:03.300
to do these things and I really want to do it so where do we start and she might if she says I don't
00:41:10.120
know then maybe you can come with some answers that goes back to a previous question and the
00:41:14.300
answer might be well look I'm really good with finances I'm very organized I like keeping track
00:41:19.840
of the budget what do you say I take that over and we do a Monday money meeting every single week
00:41:27.120
where we talk about income finances we talk about the budget savings investments etc etc
00:41:33.120
is that something we could do i think even if she's skeptical and she might have reasons to
00:41:41.080
be skeptical i think the overwhelming majority of women would be like yeah actually or let's say
00:41:51.680
you've got four or five kids and you said hey babe i know i haven't been really good about
00:41:57.260
helping out at bedtime. Um, I really want to make sure that I help. And so can I be responsible for
00:42:04.980
making sure that the children, uh, brush their teeth, put their clothes in the dirty hamper,
00:42:12.440
get pajamas on and get in bed on time. And then I'll read them a story or sing to them.
00:42:18.720
And then you can come in and, you know, kiss them goodnight and do whatever you want to do.
0.95
00:42:22.440
is there a woman out there who'd be like i don't want that i don't want my husband to step up that
00:42:29.380
way of course not or or this weekend you said hey babe and this goes back to a previous question
00:42:34.960
hey babe like i know we've been talking about wanting to go on date nights and man we used to
00:42:41.820
do that 10 years ago when we were dating we used to go out all the time and we used to have fun at
00:42:46.180
the bar or at this concert or at the movie or at dinner and i would really like to start doing that
1.00
00:42:51.800
again can I be responsible for date night every week what woman's gonna be like nope don't want
00:42:59.060
that don't want you to don't want you to do that no she's gonna be like yeah hell yeah I would love
1.00
00:43:05.020
for you to do that and you're like great because I think the babysitter's name I use was Cindy
00:43:10.420
um if I remember right from a previous question great because Cindy's coming over Saturday night
00:43:15.320
she'll be here at six o'clock um and we've got her from six to ten and i got reservations at
00:43:23.180
the steakhouse or the sushi house or the soup place or like whatever she likes and then oh
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00:43:29.460
also we're gonna go see downton abbey or whatever women like movie wise what woman
0.68
00:43:37.980
mind's gonna be like no i don't want you to do that no what she's gonna do is she's gonna
0.99
00:43:43.920
i was gonna say she's gonna hand it over to you she's not actually and this is the last point
00:43:50.580
that i'll make and i'll move on to another question she's not gonna hand it over because
00:43:53.860
she doesn't believe you yet because your track record says that you talk a big game but you
00:44:02.580
don't follow through on it so what she's probably gonna say jimmy to you is yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:44:09.960
that'd be great. Um, Oh, excuse me. This is Ben's question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be great.
00:44:15.660
But she's a little reserved, a little hesitant in the background because she knows you've said
00:44:19.420
these things before. So you got to follow through and you got to be consistent. All right.
00:44:25.100
Went off on some tangents on that one. This one comes from Scott Harmon. He says,
00:44:31.180
how do you deal with regret? Not the motivational version, the actual real thing. I'm not really
00:44:37.700
sure what the motivational version of regret is. Decisions I can't undo. I'm tired of carrying it.
00:44:46.580
Well, I have some regrets in life. I used to say maybe five or six years ago, I don't have any
00:44:53.860
regrets. No, that's not true. I do. I do have regrets. There's ways that I could have showed
00:44:57.600
up more fully and some are more painful lessons than others. So if you're tired of carrying it,
00:45:12.240
I'm no longer going to carry the burden of the man I used to be.
00:45:18.180
So if I was drinking all the time and I did bad things
00:45:25.400
at some point you just have to make a decision and say to yourself,
00:45:34.680
and I wish I would have handled that differently
00:45:48.180
you guys can quote me on this and figure this out
00:46:04.160
my references are off today this might be Gandhi
00:46:06.620
he says each night when I go to sleep I wake up the next morning
00:46:13.840
and I am reborn I'm paraphrasing but what he's saying is that tomorrow is a brand new day it's
00:46:22.500
a new slate for you and it's not even a new slate it's actually better than that because you have
00:46:28.060
history, you have experiences, you have lessons, and all of that is just data. And I know it's
00:46:34.660
painful when the data that you've collected about how you're showing up means that you got a divorce
00:46:41.460
or means that you mistreated somebody or alienated a relationship or lost money
00:46:48.500
or went to prison. There's decisions that we've made that have real world consequences and we
00:46:56.560
don't get to absolve ourself of those consequences, the best thing that we can do is say that was
00:47:01.480
Ryan yesterday. That was a guy, a different version, an early model who didn't have all
00:47:09.780
the tools or mental fortitude or stamina or resolve or whatever skill set to make a better
00:47:15.320
decision. But I am now because that one hurt. That one stung. Imagine with me for a second
00:47:24.280
that you're a kid maybe you're five years old and you go into the kitchen and you see the fire
00:47:30.880
on the burner on the stove and it's so enticing it's so appealing
00:47:35.700
and so you reach your hand out and you put your hand right on it just flat on the burner on the
00:47:45.280
stove and of course what happens you burn your hand right immediate second third degree burns
00:47:50.840
on your hand and it's painful and you start crying and tearing up and screaming and everything else
00:47:56.040
because it's painful that's that is a feature of being a human being it's not a bug the fact
00:48:04.720
that we can feel pain is not a bug that's what most people say modern therapy doctrine says well
0.96
00:48:11.920
you should never feel bad that's stupid that's like saying that you should not burn your hand
0.95
00:48:19.400
on the stove when you place it on the hot the hot plate why do we have feelings physical and
0.99
00:48:26.520
emotional feelings to teach us right if if if i didn't have nerve endings and i put my hand on
00:48:36.040
the hot stove it might not hurt but would it still damage me absolutely right it would burn my hand
00:48:43.640
it would if i kept there long enough it would tear into the muscle and start cooking the muscle
00:48:48.340
and then my hand wouldn't be as functional as it is now.
00:48:54.340
So our pain receptors or nerve endings are not a burden.
00:49:04.560
I'm glad that I can feel pain when I smash my thumb with the hammer.
0.98
00:49:09.740
I'm glad because I don't want to keep smashing my fucking thumb with the hammer.
0.96
00:49:13.420
i'm glad that i can feel heat and i can get closer to or further away based on if i'm cold or hot
0.96
00:49:20.920
i'm grateful for that i'm glad that i have sensitivity in my fingertips so i can type
00:49:28.460
away on my keyboard or i can send a text to somebody i love and care about and also i don't
00:49:34.640
want to smash my fingertips with a hammer but you can't have one without the other but and we all
00:49:41.100
know that inherently we know that we know our nerves are good things our nerve endings the
00:49:45.420
ability to feel physical pain is a good thing but when it comes to emotions we have been led to
0.96
00:49:51.400
believe that you should never feel bad well you feel bad something's off no you're just a freaking
00:49:58.960
human being oh well you feel guilty or sad you just need to let it go no you shouldn't let it go
00:50:05.560
because it's teaching you something valuable and so here's my formula it's very simple
00:50:14.900
it's not easy it's not the miracle it's not the fix but it's a simple formula
00:50:20.160
for overcoming regret and guilt and shame number one
00:50:26.180
make amends all right if you've wronged somebody let's say you've got a contractor that did
00:50:35.540
some work for you you didn't feel like you did a good job but you still owe him a couple grand
00:50:39.220
get write a check and just give him a couple thousand dollars is it gonna be that big of a
00:50:45.060
deal in the grand scheme of things is your own salvation or your own sense of worth worth two
00:50:51.080
thousand dollars i hope it's worth a little more than that just write the guy a check for two
00:50:56.920
thousand dollars send a message and say hey i'm sorry i had a i had a close friend in fact he
00:51:02.520
worked within our organization months and months ago we got into it on facebook over nothing i
00:51:07.560
don't even remember what it's about over nothing absolutely nothing and both of us dug in our heels
0.82
00:51:13.420
and we were arrogant about it we were jerks to each other and then i ended up blocking him
00:51:18.900
on social media and kicked him out of our groups and it might have been a month or two later i
0.71
00:51:26.700
messaged him and i'm like hey man look i could have handled that differently and he messaged me
00:51:32.020
back he's like yeah i could have handled that differently too i was going through a time and
00:51:35.680
a trial and so brit water under the bridge like we're good we're in fact we have a better
00:51:41.600
relationship now than we did before because we just tried to make amends like i said i'm sorry
00:51:47.140
because i was i messed up i didn't handle that properly he said sorry because he messed up he
00:51:52.200
didn't handle it properly and we both drove on so that's step number one is make amends
00:52:00.540
if you're really sorry about something then the best apology is changed behavior
0.98
00:52:07.360
so if you've been a jerk to your wife say i'm sorry tell her exactly what you've done and how
0.98
00:52:17.100
you've messed up and then change the behavior and do it forever consistently because i mean
0.99
00:52:25.580
And how many times do you think she's going to listen to you when you say, sorry, if you say it every week for doing the same dumb thing over and over again?
00:52:34.600
And the hard part of life, Scott, is that we are free to do what we want to do, but we're not free of the consequences.
00:52:48.060
And this is the third step is to give people their agency.
00:53:02.000
All right, so step number one is make amends, say sorry, fix it if you can, reparations,
00:53:14.680
So if your wife came to you and she says, hey, I want a divorce, make amends, say sorry,
00:53:25.580
Honoring agency just because you change doesn't mean she's obligated to stay with you.
00:53:35.840
But one thing that's helped me is that I want people to honor my agency.
00:53:48.000
I don't want to be forced into doing something that goes against my will.
00:53:52.960
And if I don't want that, then I have to be fair in realizing that other people don't want that as well.
00:54:04.060
And I think if you do those things, you will feel better about the regrets that you have.
00:54:16.540
all you can do is try to make amends change your behavior honor agency those are the three things
00:54:24.480
that you can do and then what i would say is to make a little mental permission slip in your mind
00:54:31.280
that when you've done those three things you because you've decided are allowed to put the
00:54:39.180
weight down and i've had to do that in in my divorce and other aspects of my life where i've
00:54:45.300
messed up, I've given myself permission to put down the load. But only once I do those three
00:54:53.980
things. If I don't do those three things, then I can't put the weight down yet because I haven't
00:54:58.060
done my part. So again, make amends, change behavior, honor agency. And then, and in fact,
00:55:09.160
i have a rule i have a one apology rule if i mess up if i do something stupid or say something dumb
00:55:16.340
or somebody in some way i i have a one apology rule and that rule goes like this if i've done
00:55:23.480
something that warrants an apology i give one genuine sincere heartfelt apology period one
00:55:33.260
i don't give three i don't give 10 i don't give 20 i don't perpetually apologize for the rest of
00:55:39.040
myself and, and, you know, bow down and worship before. No, you get one apology and it's sincere
00:55:45.160
and it's genuine. And once I've done that sincere, genuine, heartfelt apology, I'm done with
00:55:50.060
apologies. I can let that part go. That's what I can control, but I can't control how you receive
00:55:55.300
it. All right, let's go to Will Thatcher. And this might be our last one today, but he says this,
00:56:05.700
He says, uh, my last male friendship was in my late, my last real male friendship was in my late
00:56:13.880
twenties. He's got acquaintances now guys he golfs with neighbors, et cetera, but nothing with any
00:56:19.640
depth. Is this just the reality of being a man in his forties or am I doing something wrong?
00:56:26.700
Well, you're not doing anything wrong because well, okay. Yes you are, but it's different.
00:56:32.960
I'll give you some advice here. Um, this is not uncommon. That's, that's probably a better way
00:56:37.700
to say that. I think you're doing something wrong and I'll explain what it is, but it's not uncommon
00:56:42.260
because we don't know as men how to have these conversations. This is part of the reason the
00:56:47.680
iron council is so important because we're fostering the conversations. We're, we're giving
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you fodder for the discussion. We're helping facilitate accountability and interaction.
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And that's why I really want you guys to go to that preview call that we're doing on June 9th.
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If you're interested in learning more about it, go to theironcouncil.com slash preview and you can get signed up.
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But you are doing something wrong, but it's not uncommon.
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Most of the relationships that we as men have in our lives are what I would call default, not designed relationships, right?
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so a default relationship is he said he's in his 40s so let's say he's 40 years old let's say he's
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48 easy math a default relationship would be a 30 year old relationship that you had with your high
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school buddy when you guys graduated why you're still in that relationship what he's bringing
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to your life what what you're bringing to his it's questionable but i don't know you've just
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always been his friend so i guess it feels like we should just keep doing this that is a default
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relationship. Another default relationship is old Joe Schmo, your neighbor, who you just happen to
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interact with when you guys are mowing your lawn. And so like, it's just default. It's,
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that's it. Like, he's my neighbor and here we are. Or a coworker, that's another one.
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Like the guy that works in the cubicle or the office next to you is just your friend because
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you guys are in proximity. Now, I'm not saying these are wrong because Joe Schmo, your neighbor,
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might be awesome. The guy in the office next to you might be a rock star. The guy that you went
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to high school with may be an incredible entrepreneur or a family man or a spiritual
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counselor for you. But that's where the design comes in. And you have to ask yourself in every
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relationship, is this somebody that I'm just operating out of default mentality, meaning
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they're not doing anything to improve my standard of living. I'm not doing anything to improve theirs.
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and we're just friends because we have been for 30 years that's default mentality you want design
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mentality so joe schmo is mowing his lawn and i ask him hey joe what do you do for work and he's a
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uh i don't know maybe he's a high-powered attorney in town and i'm in financial services
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that's that's a good relationship to know that's somebody that would be worthy of you know fostering
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and building out a relationship with or maybe he's an incredible entrepreneur and he can give
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me insight and ideas and I decide to go to lunch with him, not because he's my neighbor, but because
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there's some reciprocity that can take place here. The other thing that I've noticed with guys is
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that we have a hard time going deep. Women do this really, really well by default. Okay. They're
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hardwired for relationships. Men can do it too in extreme settings. So the first example of that
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would be sports where let's say you're playing second base and your shortstop has an error and
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misses the throw or misses the ground ball and then you jump down his throw you're like bro what
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are you doing like you got to come up with those throw that better and then he does it better next
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time so we're actually pretty good in those environments or if there's an active shooter
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situation or a dangerous situation um or or something you know extreme like that we could
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we can actually do it but women will just sit around i i don't know like drinking tea and
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they got they gossip right and we laugh at it as if it's a bad it's it can be mean-spirited but
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also there's a purpose for gossip and that is relatability that is to keep yourself safe and
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so you all the women get together and they start gossiping about you know suzu store and how she's
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kind of a hussy and she flirts with all the other husbands or all the other wives husbands like
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they do that and it's good but they're but they're good at it they're good at relationships you know
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like how many times have you come home and your wife's like hey how was uh how was john good
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like what did you guys do uh we golfed we hit the back nine over at the golf course oh how's his
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wife i'm i don't know oh well how's his kids like his oldest just graduated when was that
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i don't know i i have no idea what would you find out well he he shot a great round of golf like he
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hit par um and he beat me like that's that's what we as men know but women are really good at the
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relational side of things so you have to do this by design the best way to do this as a man is let's
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take that golfing scenario let's say you get a foursome of guys together on sunday and maybe you
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know one really well and two guys you're you're kind of getting to know maybe they work with you
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or whatever the best thing to do is to start asking deeper questions because if you just say
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hey well tell me about your new driver that's fine you can but it's a surface level conversation
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or hey when's the last time you golfed it's like i golf last week it's like cool what's your
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handicap cool none of that matters when you're trying to build a real relationship so it's your
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job as somebody who wants to build and foster a brotherhood to go deeper than what's that driver
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what's your handicap how's the sports team that you how's the weather no it's like hey man so
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tell me what you do for work. And he says, Oh, I'm an accountant. It's like, Oh, cool. So you
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just got past busy season. What's your, what's your biggest fear? Like AI is coming out and
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that's gotta be a fear of yours. Uh, do you have any concerns about how AI might impact and affect
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your business? That's a real question, right? Or if you say, Hey, so, um, how long you've been
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married? And he's like, I've been married for 15 years. It's like, Oh, cool. I've been married for
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12, what's one thing that you feel like you've learned over the past three or four years that
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would help me in my relationship? That's a good question. Or, you know, what's, man, I've been
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struggling in my marriage. My wife and I, you know, we love each other, no doubt, but we have a hard
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time connecting because the kids just take precedent over our entire lives. How have you managed to
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keep the spark alive? That's a good question. Deeper your question. And look, you're going to
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have some guys who don't want to participate and that's fine. Like if I'm golfing with you and you
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ask me that question, I'm, I might blow you off. I'm gonna be like, I don't know. I haven't really
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thought about it much. And then go on to the next hole and start golfing again. Okay. You know that
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I'm not interested and that's good information. That's good data to have. Or if I'm like, man,
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that's a good question. I'm gonna have to think about that. You know, here's a couple of things
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that come to mind right off hand. Then, you know, okay, this is a guy who's more thoughtful. This
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is a guy who might actually be interested in having a deeper conversation but you kind of
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have to test the waters a little bit dip your toe in the in the water and see if this is somebody
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who's both capable of and desirous of having these types of meaningful discussions and you
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just ask questions that's how you do it so um the other thing i would say and i say this all the time
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there's really three places you should go to meet a potential band of brothers so number one is the
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gym and that could mean a lot of different things that could mean the actual gym or a hiking club
01:04:30.060
or jujitsu or a running club or a cycling club something like that but you the gym number two
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is business functions chamber rotary business network international different industry and
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trade events and conferences. And then the third is church. Those are where the successful men go.
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They go to the gym, they're in business and they go to church. So that's where you meet guys of
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the caliber you're interested in connecting with. All right, guys, I've got three or four other
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questions here. We're not going to get to them today. I'll save those for when Kit comes back
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next week, but just wanted to share that insight with you and let you know, or at least give you
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some ideas that might help i know this is always better with kip that's why i love having kip on
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the podcast so we'll make sure that he's back next week and we'll finish up these questions but i hope
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i gave you some things to consider and i didn't get too far off on the the tangents and the rabbit
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holes so um anyways guys make sure in the meantime that you check out our preview call again june 9th
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at 8 p.m eastern at the iron council.com slash preview we're going to pull back the curtain and
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show you exactly what we're doing in there and why thousands and thousands of men have gone
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through these programs and really leveled up their health, their wealth, their relationships,
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and every other aspect of their life. Again, theironcouncil.com slash preview. All right,
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guys, I'll be back on Friday for our Friday Field Notes. Until then, go out there, take action,
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and become the man you are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.
01:06:07.680
You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.
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we invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.