Order of Man - Avoiding the Comparison Trap, Pushing Through Challenges, and Rebuilding Strained Relationships ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.020 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.480 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.500 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.760 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:25.580 Kip, what's up, man? Everything going good?

00:00:26.980 I feel a little tired.

00:00:30.200 I don't want to start by saying you have an excuse, but let's be honest.

00:00:35.640 You have a reason. We'll call it a reason. You have a reason to be tired.

00:00:39.300 Kids are tiring, and it never ends.

00:00:42.420 My greatest fear is that when my kids leave, that I'll just be worried about them in a different capacity.

00:00:47.700 And so I'm sure as a parent, it just never ends.

00:00:50.500 And I totally agree. I was talking with Asia the other night about this, and I think,

00:00:54.320 you know, I thought we've addressed all the hardships when it comes to kids, and then I get shocked with some more.

00:01:00.220 So I'm like, geez, I agree. I bet they all get married. I don't know, but I assume they get married.

00:01:07.520 You end up being an empty nester, and then you're just stressed out about who they married and how they are as parents.

00:01:13.540 Do they have something else?

00:01:14.140 Who they are as parents, or do they have enough money? Are they making their bills? Are they progressing?

00:01:18.560 Do they have fulfillment in their life?

00:01:19.600 Like, it's just different worrying, even though they may not be under your roof.

00:01:24.400 Totally.

00:01:25.900 Which is sad, because I always thought, oh, they'll move out, and then your job's done.

00:01:30.720 I don't know if that's going to be the case.

00:01:31.940 I actually talked about this the other day.

00:01:33.640 I said something like the most unfortunate or difficult truth that I've had to wrestle with as a parent is that it's my job to put myself out of a job.

00:01:43.800 And somebody said, well, not really. It just evolves.

00:01:47.080 And I thought that was actually pretty insightful.

00:01:49.500 So you're not – and I agree with that.

00:01:51.440 You're not really putting yourself out of a job.

00:01:53.820 You're just getting promotions, if you will.

00:01:56.940 Right?

00:01:57.420 Like, you're evolving.

00:01:58.760 It changes.

00:01:59.680 As a parent, you're never out of a job.

00:02:01.700 It just changes.

00:02:02.900 So I hope that I put myself out of the job in that I need to provide for their physical well-being,

00:02:09.880 and that it changes to emotional involvement and support in some capacity.

00:02:14.880 That is insightful.

00:02:19.500 I'm full of it, man.

00:02:20.540 I'm full of it.

00:02:21.580 Insight, that is.

00:02:22.620 Insight, that is.

00:02:23.480 Oh, yeah.

00:02:24.360 I assume you're talking about something else.

00:02:26.200 Well, sometimes that too, man.

00:02:28.080 Sometimes that too.

00:02:29.240 You know, speaking of that, you had brought up a really interesting question.

00:02:33.620 You asked me a question before we hit record, and I think I wanted to address it.

00:02:36.860 You asked how I was.

00:02:37.820 And I started thinking about this, speaking of being full of it, how many people on social

00:02:42.920 media are completely full of it?

00:02:44.620 And what I mean is they're just posting everything wonderful and great and fantastic about their

00:02:49.620 life.

00:02:50.400 And then we fall into this comparison trap, right?

00:02:53.680 So we look at what other people are doing and we think that, oh, this guy's doing this

00:02:58.040 and he's on this hunt.

00:02:58.860 He has these activities and he's making this much money.

00:03:00.980 And he's all the wonderful things that he pretends he's doing.

00:03:03.800 And then we start comparing ourselves to other people.

00:03:06.960 And that's a little bit of the trap that I'm in right now.

00:03:09.240 In fact, my wife even recognizes it.

00:03:11.540 She'll, she'll out of the blue, she'll say, who are you comparing yourself to?

00:03:15.180 Just randomly.

00:03:16.200 I'm like, what are you talking about?

00:03:17.160 She's like, you're just, you're just being weird.

00:03:18.800 You're in a little bit of a funk.

00:03:19.820 Who are you comparing yourself to?

00:03:21.700 And the overwhelming majority of the time when she asked that question, she knows exactly what's

00:03:25.780 going on.

00:03:26.720 So I'm falling into that trap a little bit.

00:03:29.080 And I just, I want to be real about that because I think there's a lot of guys who think that

00:03:33.000 maybe there's something wrong with them if they're feeling down or inadequate.

00:03:37.620 And it's certainly easy to feel like that.

00:03:39.500 I think there should be people and aspirations that we have that we're trying to strive to

00:03:44.980 accomplish.

00:03:46.140 But I also think there's a point in time where it just becomes destructive.

00:03:51.740 It's not helpful.

00:03:52.700 It's actually demotivating, deflating and counterproductive to what it is you're trying to

00:03:57.940 accomplish.

00:03:58.260 So as much as I'm talking to anybody else, I'm talking to myself.

00:04:01.760 It's like, don't fall into that comparison trap.

00:04:03.420 Just compare who you were yesterday and the day before and the day before, and then try

00:04:07.040 to be better than that individual was 24 hours ago.

00:04:10.180 Yeah, that's spot on.

00:04:11.920 It's funny.

00:04:13.960 Very similar to that on Instagram.

00:04:16.780 We were posting a picture of the new baby, of course, of him smiling, right?

00:04:21.140 He has like this big grin on his face.

00:04:22.740 It's crazy, man.

00:04:23.260 And it's ironic.

00:04:24.500 He only smiles when he's asleep.

00:04:25.980 I don't think he's figured out how to do it while awake, but he smiles when he's asleep.

00:04:30.600 And someone made a comment.

00:04:32.000 They said, that is the happiest baby ever.

00:04:34.800 And I thought, uh, no, I just happen to only post pictures of him smiling, right?

00:04:40.800 Yeah, exactly.

00:04:41.960 He still cries.

00:04:42.980 He still poops.

00:04:43.720 He still does all the things babies do.

00:04:45.740 But it was funny.

00:04:46.480 It's exactly what you're talking about, right?

00:04:48.560 I'm going to post the cute photos, of course.

00:04:50.720 And then they're, they're, what they think is, oh, he, he's smiling all the time.

00:04:55.080 Yeah.

00:04:55.320 I'm like, no, no, no, this is like, you know, I had to work hours to get, to get this smile.

00:05:00.820 Right.

00:05:01.300 Yeah.

00:05:01.680 So it's, it's interesting.

00:05:03.420 It is interesting.

00:05:04.220 And it's such a trap to fall into.

00:05:06.460 Um, I've, I've done it with, with hunting.

00:05:09.180 It sounds weird, but I've done it with hunting over the last couple of weeks.

00:05:12.000 I see these guys posting their pictures of their big bucks and I'm like, well, I haven't shot

00:05:15.640 one this year yet.

00:05:17.780 Yeah.

00:05:18.200 And so I'm like discouraged.

00:05:19.280 I'm like, man, I'm just not a good hunter.

00:05:20.720 I'm like, what? 1.00

00:05:21.840 If you actually just like stop and think about that for a second, it's such a stupid statement 1.00

00:05:26.840 to make, even if you're just telling that to yourself. 0.99

00:05:29.460 And yet all of us do it.

00:05:31.120 All of us do it every time.

00:05:33.020 It's just something we got to be very, very cautious of and vigilant against.

00:05:37.180 Yeah.

00:05:37.620 And it shows up everywhere.

00:05:39.060 Everywhere.

00:05:39.920 Yeah.

00:05:40.300 Jiu-jitsu.

00:05:41.200 Sometimes I'll be at Jiu-jitsu and I'll get frustrated.

00:05:43.340 Oh man, I, you know, this guy caught me and he's so much better.

00:05:46.420 And then I have to remind myself like, oh, wait a second.

00:05:50.180 I'm only training this many times a week.

00:05:52.280 I have a full-time job.

00:05:53.740 I have a career and a business that I'm focused on growing.

00:05:56.720 Like there's balance that I've implemented that doesn't make that a priority.

00:06:00.400 Thus, guess what?

00:06:01.500 I'm not going to be as good.

00:06:02.680 And it could have just been an off night or he could have just got lucky or a thousand

00:06:09.100 other variables that don't have anything to do with the fact that you may not be good

00:06:13.840 at Jiu-jitsu.

00:06:14.600 It just is what it is.

00:06:16.340 Deal with it.

00:06:16.980 Learn from it.

00:06:17.480 Grow.

00:06:17.900 Again, I'm talking to myself more than anybody else.

00:06:20.820 But yeah, you're right.

00:06:21.560 We fall into this trap all the time.

00:06:22.680 So something to be cautious of.

00:06:23.920 Something to be aware of.

00:06:25.140 There you go, guys.

00:06:26.340 That's the podcast for today.

00:06:28.640 If you guys have any questions.

00:06:30.140 Six minutes.

00:06:30.520 We're done.

00:06:31.400 Hopefully we can get through our questions a little better than we have in the past where

00:06:35.120 it's like, what do we spend like 10 minutes per question?

00:06:38.580 So we'll see what we can do today.

00:06:40.040 Huge or a huge intro dialogue in which we just had about no questions so far.

00:06:45.060 Right.

00:06:45.460 But we're doing better.

00:06:47.160 It's six minutes instead of eight last week or whatever else it was.

00:06:50.180 All right, man.

00:06:50.500 Let's jump into these questions.

00:06:51.340 Guys, if you don't know what it is we're doing six minutes later, these are questions

00:06:55.580 that we're fielding from our Patreon membership or account or whatever you want to call it.

00:07:01.120 If you head to Patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com slash order of man, you can check it out over

00:07:07.220 there.

00:07:07.580 Uh, also from iron council, which is our exclusive brotherhood and also from the Facebook

00:07:13.440 group.

00:07:14.020 So those are the three resources to be able to ask these questions.

00:07:16.780 And, uh, here Kip and I give you some of our insights, not the right insight necessarily,

00:07:21.580 just what we had to share.

00:07:23.040 So let's get after it.

00:07:24.960 So our first, uh, is the first couple of questions come from the Patreon members.

00:07:29.580 Uh, this first question is from Sean Busby and it is a long question.

00:07:34.880 So here we go.

00:07:36.160 I'll do my best.

00:07:37.020 When would we be, uh, when would going back to school get another, uh, to get another degree

00:07:43.400 be a wise choice or should I pursue getting certifications like the FAA advanced ground

00:07:50.220 instruction, which would allow me to teach aviation ground school.

00:07:53.600 I separated from the air force a year ago.

00:07:55.920 I started a business with my family-in-law that I left a few months ago in order to save the

00:08:00.620 relationship we have.

00:08:02.300 I have applied for jobs in my area of interest of AV aviation since I was an, uh, elevator

00:08:08.620 instructor, evaluator, evaluator, instructor, flight engineer, and in areas that my skill would

00:08:16.760 be effective.

00:08:17.300 My current bachelor's degree is in general studies.

00:08:20.560 So really not, not really sought after.

00:08:23.680 I completed the degree in the military to check a box, which now has, uh, which now was not

00:08:29.700 the wisest choice on my part.

00:08:31.460 I am looking, uh, looking at getting a bachelor's of science in business management.

00:08:36.780 Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

00:08:38.760 Thanks for what you guys are doing in the order of man and the iron council.

00:08:42.000 The iron council has helped me change my life.

00:08:44.220 All right.

00:08:45.180 That is a long question or a long statement.

00:08:47.840 The question is actually very short.

00:08:49.640 When, when should I go back to school and what would that be a wise choice?

00:08:53.040 Right.

00:08:53.240 That's, that's, that's the question.

00:08:54.460 Yeah, this is, this is the answer when it will produce an effective outcome.

00:08:59.140 That's it.

00:09:00.960 Period.

00:09:01.520 Like anything that any man ever does in his life should be to produce a desired outcome.

00:09:07.660 And if that activity is not going to produce or move you forward or progress towards that

00:09:12.100 desired outcome, it could potentially be a waste of time.

00:09:14.980 And now the challenge is when is it going to produce that desired outcome and at what

00:09:19.380 cost, right?

00:09:20.800 You have to think, is this going to produce a desired outcome immediately?

00:09:24.200 Meaning that if I go back to school, am I going to finish up here in the next year or

00:09:26.980 two or whatever it may be?

00:09:27.900 And then I'm, I'm off to a job and everything's going to be wonderful.

00:09:30.380 How much I'm going to have to pay for this degree.

00:09:32.820 And then what is it actually going to produce once I'm out of there?

00:09:36.300 But look, any decision that you make should be measured against its ability to get you

00:09:41.940 closer to your objective.

00:09:44.120 So I'm not a fan of going to school for the sake of having a degree. 1.00

00:09:47.560 I think that's stupid. 0.97

00:09:49.280 And I know there's going to be people that push back and say, well, it should, here's, 1.00

00:09:53.040 here's what I hear all the time. 1.00

00:09:53.900 It shows potential employers that you're willing to sacrifice bullshit, man. 0.99

00:09:57.940 Like maybe, but there's so many other ways to do it than to waste a bunch of time and 0.99

00:10:02.280 money on getting a college degree that isn't necessary.

00:10:04.420 Now I will also add though, that if having a college degree is necessary, for example,

00:10:12.900 a legal work, an attorney or a CPA, a medical field, you know, a doctor, physician, chiropractor,

00:10:18.900 you name it, surgeon, then yes, obviously go back to school, but I'm not going to go chase

00:10:23.780 a formal education and spend tens, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to get some piece of

00:10:30.060 paper on the wall so I can stroke my ego and actually not move me towards what it is I'm

00:10:34.540 trying to accomplish.

00:10:35.520 So, so if Sean wants to get into a field where he needs a degree, then I think it would probably

00:10:41.680 be pretty wise to go get that degree.

00:10:44.120 The other thing that I always recommend right here, when it comes to decisions like this,

00:10:47.880 I get a questions a lot, like on, on this particular subject, another subject is, should

00:10:52.940 I leave my current job to go chase my dream job?

00:10:56.040 I'll make less money, but this is my dream job.

00:10:58.160 And eventually I'll make more money down the road.

00:11:00.460 My answer is project yourself out into the future.

00:11:04.540 So look 20 years, 30 years out ahead.

00:11:07.360 Now looking back, which decision will you be happy that you would have made?

00:11:11.080 That's the cool thing that we can do as human beings is we can project ourselves in space

00:11:14.560 and time and then look back and make a conscious choice about what it is we should be doing.

00:11:21.080 That's my, Sean's Sean's looking at a business management degree.

00:11:24.780 So, I mean, and it's super, that's a general degree, Sean.

00:11:28.780 So to kind of reiterate what, what, what Ryan is saying, what will that degree do other than

00:11:36.840 give you a degree in business management?

00:11:38.560 Like specifically what, what are the results of having that degree?

00:11:42.940 And then also look at lost opportunity costs.

00:11:45.020 So if you spend, let's say four years going to pursue a business degree and you spend 50

00:11:50.620 grand or more going to, to obtain that degree, what could you have done in four years that

00:11:57.200 will produce the same or even potentially better results?

00:12:01.080 If the answer is I could have done a thousand different things that would have produced the

00:12:04.100 same or better results, then you should probably do that.

00:12:06.580 If the answer is nothing will produce these types of results, then you have to seriously

00:12:10.780 consider that decision.

00:12:11.680 Yeah, for sure.

00:12:14.140 And I don't know how, how old Sean is, but I've, I've hired a handful of guys that had

00:12:18.540 degrees that did not match their profession and it didn't matter.

00:12:24.620 It was the guy that had the experience and the right personality and the right skillset that

00:12:29.160 got the job, not the guy that had the computer science degree versus a computer information

00:12:34.720 systems degree.

00:12:35.880 And we'll continue to see this more and more and more as we progress and employers learn that

00:12:40.860 that little piece of paper doesn't really mean as much as it may be used to.

00:12:44.320 And, and the walls, the barriers to education and experience are being torn down.

00:12:50.580 Copy.

00:12:51.380 All right.

00:12:52.840 Progressing on Bubba Downs, another patron member.

00:12:57.320 Uh, and both of these guys are iron council members too.

00:13:00.000 And iron council.

00:13:00.760 That's right.

00:13:01.360 That's right.

00:13:01.800 And Bubba wanted to make a public statement saying that he no longer wears a curb brand

00:13:06.420 hat and he has switched to the flat bill hat.

00:13:10.060 It's about time.

00:13:10.700 He's better off for it.

00:13:11.620 Good job.

00:13:12.000 Income has gone up.

00:13:13.760 Uh, more women are attracted to him.

00:13:16.640 He's, he's instantly become stronger and he's just a better man in general.

00:13:22.140 Yep.

00:13:22.580 For sure.

00:13:23.860 He's not going to like us.

00:13:25.080 He's not going to like us for that, by the way.

00:13:26.960 Oh, he has a question as well.

00:13:28.300 Here's the question.

00:13:29.300 What do we got?

00:13:30.640 Some men that have spoken to grow up with a similar background or similar life events

00:13:35.620 as I have, we have lived rough lives as rough men.

00:13:39.300 While I recognize that everyone is on their own journey, I find it difficult to listen to

00:13:43.700 the trivality of some of, uh, some of the issues that people think they have.

00:13:48.780 When is it okay to tell people, dude, if that's your biggest issue, then you're good. 1.00

00:13:55.560 Stop being a bitch. 1.00

00:13:56.740 Or should I recognize my own weakness and my inability to be empathetic with other men? 1.00

00:14:02.760 Um, I think multiple things can exist at once.

00:14:05.040 Should I recognize my own weaknesses and my inability to be, uh, empathetic with other

00:14:08.940 men?

00:14:09.320 Yeah, you should recognize that.

00:14:10.660 I recognize that in myself.

00:14:11.960 I'm not, I'm not very empathetic at all.

00:14:13.980 So I recognize that.

00:14:15.300 Now, is there a time and a place to say, Hey dude, man up.

00:14:19.260 All right.

00:14:19.840 Strap it up, pull, pull your pants up and let's go. 1.00

00:14:22.580 Right.

00:14:23.480 There's a time to do that as well.

00:14:24.780 And usually when it's solicited, very rarely does unsolicited advice or feedback like, 0.98

00:14:31.880 Hey, stop being a bitch actually help people. 1.00

00:14:35.860 Now, if Bubba's asking me a question and that's my answer to him, that would probably 0.99

00:14:40.180 help him not only because he's asked for the advice, but because that's his personality

00:14:44.280 too, I may have to approach somebody else completely different.

00:14:47.920 So I realized it's very easy to look at other people's weaknesses or what they're dealing

00:14:51.820 with or what they're not dealing with or, or, or the drama and the baggage that they bring

00:14:56.000 to the table because they certainly do, but it's not really your place unless they have

00:15:01.720 decided to allow it to be your place.

00:15:05.820 Your domain has nothing to do with you.

00:15:08.660 So I'll, I'll, I share all the time.

00:15:10.660 I mean, that's what we're doing here, right?

00:15:11.760 We're sharing and giving feedback and guys are like, who are you to give feedback?

00:15:14.620 Well, the guys who are asking me questions, the guys who are tuning in each of my every

00:15:19.420 week, if you don't want my feedback or yours, Kip, just don't listen.

00:15:22.300 Very simple.

00:15:23.280 So we're not, we're not giving unsolicited advice.

00:15:26.120 We're just sharing something.

00:15:27.060 If you want that advice, then you have to voluntarily sign up by listening to the podcast.

00:15:31.160 And that's, that's you giving us permission to share it with you.

00:15:35.140 So I'm not a big, big fan of unsolicited advice.

00:15:39.140 It just, it just doesn't work and it's never well received.

00:15:43.100 I know Bubba's not asking for this particular question here, but he's, he says he finds it

00:15:48.460 difficult to listen to people in these issues and to that Bubba stop making people wrong.

00:15:55.060 The reality of it is guaranteed someone may have a valid thing that I don't know is trivial

00:16:01.840 in their lives and it's highly stressful.

00:16:03.800 Guaranteed someone has it worse, but the reality of it is their world's being rocked, whether

00:16:10.940 you agree with it or not.

00:16:12.780 So I actually do think that there's a lot of power and just don't make people wrong.

00:16:17.460 Like look for opportunities to level up guys.

00:16:19.760 And like you're saying, Ryan, like if you have an established relationship with someone, you

00:16:23.100 could say, Hey dude, you need to level up man up or whatever.

00:16:27.120 Uh, you know, look at your situation.

00:16:28.840 It's really not as bad as it is, but if you're running around the world and you're constantly

00:16:33.600 pissed off because everyone's complaining about things also realize that they're looking

00:16:37.780 through the world in a different lens than you.

00:16:40.220 And, and there's, and if you're constantly pissed off how everyone else is dealing with

00:16:45.100 issues, you're just going to be angry all the time.

00:16:47.400 Oh yeah, for sure.

00:16:48.640 There might just be some power and just realizing like that's, that's their reality right now.

00:16:52.520 And, and I had argued probably Bubba that at one point in your life, or at least it

00:16:56.340 is for me at one point in my life, those trivial things were really important.

00:17:00.280 They really did seem like my world was falling down.

00:17:03.460 Now, as I've matured and have more experience in my life, I realized that they are trivial,

00:17:08.860 but at the time they were pretty damn serious.

00:17:13.060 So I appreciate that.

00:17:14.520 And look, sometimes to give the more rough, maybe Ryan side of the equation, sometimes I

00:17:18.940 just don't care.

00:17:20.340 Yeah.

00:17:20.800 Like I don't care what you're dealing with.

00:17:22.380 So I'm indifferent to it.

00:17:24.880 I know people are going to hear that and they're like, Oh, that's mean.

00:17:26.920 No, it's not mean.

00:17:27.720 Like I've, I've only got a limited amount of time, attention, energy, focus, and I've

00:17:33.180 got to decide where to invest that.

00:17:35.060 And sometimes your issues aren't something that I'm willing to invest a lot of time,

00:17:39.160 energy, and effort into because they're your issues and you've got to find a way to

00:17:42.180 deal with it.

00:17:42.660 I mean, I do this in the Facebook group.

00:17:44.200 Guys will ask questions all the time and we're never at a lack in the Facebook group of advice.

00:17:49.120 But a lot of times I just simply ask, well, what do you want to do?

00:17:52.080 Or what do you think?

00:17:53.780 Because it's your life, man.

00:17:56.000 It's like, I can only help so much.

00:17:58.180 I can only give you so much feedback, but at the end of the day, it's your life.

00:18:00.700 Do what you want.

00:18:01.260 Somebody asked, what do you think about men in their, in their, uh, piercings for men?

00:18:08.200 And a bunch of guys are like, well, I don't think they should.

00:18:10.020 And I think it's like, I don't care.

00:18:12.300 I really don't.

00:18:12.960 I'm not going to invest any of my resources into caring.

00:18:16.140 If a dude wants to pierce his ears or not, I'm not going to pierce mine.

00:18:18.760 That's what I know.

00:18:19.540 And my kids, my boys aren't going to pierce theirs.

00:18:21.260 That's what I know.

00:18:22.240 Outside of that, do whatever the hell you want.

00:18:23.900 I really don't care.

00:18:25.060 So be very careful.

00:18:26.360 Choose which battles that you want to engage in because your, your, your resources are finite.

00:18:31.060 And I choose to take my resources, which is my time, energy, attention, and focus it on

00:18:35.340 things that actually matter.

00:18:36.240 And the people that actually matter in my life as well.

00:18:38.320 I love that, Ryan.

00:18:40.320 I, I can't remember where I read it or where I heard it from, but, um, the world will you,

00:18:47.200 everyone has problems.

00:18:48.880 The powerful thing is to create your own problem to resolve or to work on.

00:18:54.060 Right.

00:18:54.440 Yeah.

00:18:54.680 And, and so you've created a cause that drives action towards it.

00:18:58.920 And then all these other things that are minute and not important are no longer critical.

00:19:04.200 Why?

00:19:04.360 Cause you've, you've set your focus on something that's far greater and far more important than

00:19:09.420 the trivial issues of whether it appears you're here or not.

00:19:13.060 Well, and let's say this though, too, you say far more important, far greater.

00:19:16.100 That's subjective, right?

00:19:17.420 So to your point, you have to decide for yourself.

00:19:19.880 That may be a real issue for somebody.

00:19:21.880 And if that's the battle you want to choose, fine, whatever.

00:19:24.380 That's not the battle I want to choose.

00:19:25.740 It doesn't make it right or wrong to your point earlier about being wrong.

00:19:28.160 It just means that that's not where I've decided to plant my flag.

00:19:31.180 Yeah.

00:19:31.780 It's conscious choice.

00:19:32.860 Exactly.

00:19:33.320 That's exactly right.

00:19:34.360 Um, one of the things that I always tell my oldest son, because he has just a, just a

00:19:38.340 horrible habit of doing this.

00:19:39.600 I'll be scolding or getting after one of my other children for something could be anything.

00:19:43.280 Right.

00:19:43.980 And then my son will just stick his nose in the conversation.

00:19:48.300 And I, and I tell him, I look at him and I say, Brecken, don't get yourself in trouble

00:19:54.860 by other people's problems.

00:19:56.760 Like don't get yourself involved in other people's problems.

00:19:59.160 Like you don't have to make their problems yours.

00:20:02.460 And every time you stick your nose where it doesn't belong and you start running your

00:20:06.380 mouth when I'm not even talking to you, you run the risk of making other people's problems

00:20:10.960 your own.

00:20:12.360 Be very, very careful of the conversations you're having, what problems that you want

00:20:19.160 to incorporate in your life, because that is going to affect and impact your life.

00:20:22.520 Be careful.

00:20:23.720 And he just, he keeps doing it.

00:20:25.060 I don't understand.

00:20:25.620 I got to tell him something different because he keeps making other people's problems his

00:20:28.180 own.

00:20:29.000 Hmm.

00:20:29.560 It's weird.

00:20:30.600 All right.

00:20:31.320 Dakota seal from the Facebook group.

00:20:34.700 When to let go of a relationship versus keep trying to work on it.

00:20:38.420 Things seem to stay the same, no matter how hard I work at it to clarify.

00:20:43.120 I have listened to your, fix your marriage by fixing yourself.

00:20:45.940 And I don't feel exact that it exactly applies while there are things I definitely need to

00:20:51.700 improve on.

00:20:52.460 I'm asking more about the things that are directly related to her and how she handles money, how 1.00

00:20:58.620 she trains her dogs, picking up after herself, et cetera.

00:21:03.220 Things that add more stress to my life.

00:21:05.280 So this is one of those questions where I would answer, what do you think you should do?

00:21:11.340 I can't, I can't tell you that there's this hard and fast rule.

00:21:14.680 Like once it hits this stage and this point, and you've done 90 days or 365 days and she

00:21:20.040 hasn't changed fixing her dog or whatever it is that, that he's frustrated with that.

00:21:25.200 That's the point where it should or shouldn't work out.

00:21:27.340 I don't know, man.

00:21:28.580 I don't know her.

00:21:29.420 I don't know the situations.

00:21:30.360 I don't know the severity of the things that you're dealing with.

00:21:32.600 I don't know how much you're willing to put up with.

00:21:34.480 I don't know if you actually love this woman.

00:21:36.020 There's so many variables and these are the decisions that you're going to have to make

00:21:39.580 on your own.

00:21:40.040 Now, I will say that some strategies that you can employ is number one, have open communication

00:21:48.260 with this individual.

00:21:49.900 She may not know that the way that she trains her dogs or cleans up her dogs or whatever 1.00

00:21:54.140 is actually bugging you.

00:21:56.220 There may be this little social contract that you have with her that you haven't included

00:22:01.460 her in on.

00:22:02.800 So these things are pissing you off about the way she's cleaning up a house or how she's 0.99

00:22:06.200 taking care of money.

00:22:06.960 And yet you've never really sat down with her and had a conversation about why this

00:22:10.540 even bothers you.

00:22:11.560 Because maybe if you did, she might just say, Oh, I didn't even realize that was an issue.

00:22:17.520 So don't overlook that communication.

00:22:19.660 Number two, expectations.

00:22:21.860 And look, there's in a relationship, there's give and take.

00:22:24.600 There's things about the way that my wife takes care of the house that frankly speaking, 1.00

00:22:28.600 I don't like, but there's certain things that I'm just not willing to battle because I don't

00:22:33.100 care that much.

00:22:33.760 And there's other things where I am willing to go to battle on.

00:22:35.820 And there's things that she doesn't like about the way that I manage the house or manage

00:22:40.680 the business or whatever it may be.

00:22:42.500 And so we give and we take and we have conversations and we talk about things that are going good

00:22:46.380 and we talk about things that are going bad and we come to mutual understandings and we

00:22:49.380 sacrifice and we compromise in certain situations.

00:22:52.200 And then we take a hard line stance and others that's communications and expectations.

00:22:56.540 And then I think you also have to have some boundaries for yourself.

00:22:59.000 What are you willing to accept in life?

00:23:02.640 Are you willing to accept that she's not great with her dogs according to you?

00:23:06.940 Or is that a non-negotiable?

00:23:09.380 If it's a non-negotiable and you've communicated the expectation and she continues to do it the

00:23:15.720 same way and it's not negotiable to you, then it's not negotiable to you.

00:23:19.160 Does that mean you're right or wrong?

00:23:21.160 No, it's your decision.

00:23:23.280 It's your life.

00:23:24.800 And so you may really love this woman and the sex may be wonderful and everything else. 0.82

00:23:30.920 And yet you have this non-negotiable over here that she just can't seem to commit to.

00:23:34.920 And guess what?

00:23:36.060 It could be a deal breaker.

00:23:37.660 I can't determine that for you.

00:23:39.120 I can't decide what that is.

00:23:40.220 You have to do that for yourself.

00:23:41.140 I love how we have different perspectives on things sometimes.

00:23:48.520 Well, I'm usually right and you're usually the wrong perspective.

00:23:51.720 So let's hear what you have to say then because it sounds like you differ.

00:23:55.740 Well, no, I agree with you.

00:23:58.360 The only thing that I would suggest though is I think it's important for us to always realize

00:24:05.940 that we add meaning to everything.

00:24:08.380 That's what we do as humans constantly.

00:24:13.040 And so I would challenge Dakota to say, okay, well, how she handles the money or how she 1.00

00:24:18.720 picks up after herself and, you know, whatever.

00:24:22.000 What does that mean?

00:24:23.660 Like, what meaning are you adding to those actions that is pissing you off so much?

00:24:30.880 And there might be an opportunity for us to grow individually and realize that you're adding

00:24:36.560 a hell of a lot more weight on those actions than there should be.

00:24:41.120 And it has nothing to do with the dog.

00:24:43.860 It has nothing to do with how she spends her money, but it has a hell of a lot to do with 1.00

00:24:48.540 something else.

00:24:50.200 And you may in this relationship thinking, oh, these are non-negotiables and you can't deal.

00:24:55.380 And then what, what are you trading it for?

00:24:58.180 Some other thing that another woman's going to do that's just going to piss you off. 1.00

00:25:02.060 Yeah, that's a good point.

00:25:03.340 Like, I think it's important for you to, for us to all, I mean, I do this all the time.

00:25:08.340 I've had conversations with Asia and I've, I have finally learned over the years how to

00:25:12.680 do this, but, and, and by the way, I don't make her wrong for it.

00:25:16.400 So if, if Asia does something and it really makes me frustrated. 0.86

00:25:20.100 So let, let, let me give an example.

00:25:21.700 So we look at our house drastically different, having, having a home and I may push the envelope

00:25:28.640 of maybe a little too much where I, I think cleanliness, I'm at a different level probably

00:25:32.540 than probably what's natural or healthy.

00:25:35.320 And sometimes when things are chaotic, it really makes me like riled up and really what

00:25:42.260 it comes down to is I feel unappreciated.

00:25:45.880 That's the meaning I'm adding to dishes being on the counter is I feel unappreciated.

00:25:52.240 Is that fair for me to put that on her or my kids?

00:25:55.500 Because I have some internal dialogue that when someone doesn't pick up in the kitchen

00:25:59.380 that I'm unappreciated.

00:26:01.020 Really?

00:26:02.040 But I actually, Kip, I would actually that argue that potentially, yes, it is fair as long

00:26:07.620 as you communicate it with her.

00:26:09.400 Exactly.

00:26:09.960 And that's, and that's the second point I was going to make is I finally learned, but

00:26:13.920 here's the deal.

00:26:14.640 I can't make her wrong for it either though.

00:26:16.360 Right.

00:26:16.800 And so that communication that I would have with her is why I'm really frustrated right

00:26:22.360 now.

00:26:22.760 It's just when this happens, it makes me feel this way.

00:26:26.040 Right.

00:26:26.760 Right.

00:26:27.100 So you're accepting ownership of the fact of how you're feeling.

00:26:30.280 You're clearly communicating that X and X bothers you.

00:26:34.300 And then she has an opportunity and a choice to change a behavior or to help.

00:26:41.760 Or to not, and then you have to make a decision.

00:26:43.740 Exactly.

00:26:44.360 But it's still important for you to own it and understand that it's there.

00:26:47.820 A hundred percent.

00:26:48.200 So then that way you don't put as much weight on it, then you probably shouldn't.

00:26:52.120 I wholeheartedly agree.

00:26:53.500 I mean, one area just to talk about, to address what you're talking about here is when the

00:26:58.060 house is chaotic, meaning physical, physically messy.

00:27:01.620 Yeah.

00:27:02.060 It's hard for me to be present with my family. 0.96

00:27:06.360 Like if there's a bunch of shit laying around and things that aren't put away where they 0.98

00:27:10.180 need to, it's hard for me to be present and focused with the kids and have dinner and 0.99

00:27:13.860 do the things that we want to do as family.

00:27:15.220 And I've told my wife that I'm like, Hey, look, I mean, I'm, I'm going to

00:27:18.180 I'm more than happy to help and clean up around here.

00:27:20.480 Of course, that's part of my job too.

00:27:22.780 But when the house looks like this, it's very hard for me to be present in the moment.

00:27:27.520 What would help is if the house looked like X, Y, and Z.

00:27:30.420 And then that allows me to be more present with you guys, which is something I know you

00:27:33.780 want, right?

00:27:34.360 Yes.

00:27:35.120 Great.

00:27:35.740 Now we create a win-win situation because I think any reasonable human being would recognize

00:27:41.580 that in somebody they love and say, Oh, what can I do to serve this individual?

00:27:45.800 So what can I do to serve my wife?

00:27:47.120 How can I help her in this?

00:27:48.660 And she, because she's reasonable and she loves me is more than willing to take a look

00:27:52.840 at that and say, Oh, I didn't realize it meant that much to Ryan.

00:27:56.160 I guess me just spending a few extra minutes at the end of the day or having the kids and

00:28:00.240 listing the kids to help clean up around here would really help and serve us all.

00:28:04.220 But this requires knowing to your point, Kip, knowing what it's all about, what meaning

00:28:09.340 you're giving it.

00:28:09.960 And it requires an open level of communication, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

00:28:13.620 Yeah.

00:28:15.060 And I've shared this in the iron council a couple of times, but here's the, here's the

00:28:19.720 perfect solution to a Coda.

00:28:21.000 So let, let's assume, uh, it's money.

00:28:24.180 You go to her and you say, what would I need to do to help you or to have you handle money

00:28:32.440 in this way?

00:28:33.020 And take the action item and figure out what help or assistance that she needs from you

00:28:39.820 or what would you need to do to allow her to put, uh, allow her to have more emphasis

00:28:44.160 on that given area that you're requesting her to do.

00:28:47.820 Be really powerful.

00:28:49.220 Yeah, I agree.

00:28:49.980 And, and, and also make sure you say, because, because when the money situation isn't taken

00:28:55.460 care of, it stresses me out and makes me feel unappreciated, or I feel like I'm doing all

00:29:01.980 this work and, uh, you know, I just feel like I'm, I'm just making the money and everybody

00:29:06.900 does whatever else they want.

00:29:08.100 And it's undervaluing what it is I'm bringing to the equation.

00:29:11.020 Like explain yourself so that they understand what it is you're actually dealing with.

00:29:15.680 Don't keep that stuff hidden.

00:29:17.340 Yeah.

00:29:18.180 Cool.

00:29:18.800 There you go.

00:29:19.200 You got marching orders, Dakota.

00:29:22.140 All right.

00:29:22.760 Tom, uh, goo, goo era, how to push through change.

00:29:26.900 I know what I need to do, what's right and what's helpful, but I don't do that.

00:29:31.840 How to push through that.

00:29:33.120 I've never, I've never, ever that I can think of how to deal with this.

00:29:38.260 I don't, I've never understood the motivation thing.

00:29:41.400 Like, if you know, you need to do it, then just do it.

00:29:45.180 And, and look, I think there's a false sense of, of expectations here.

00:29:49.220 I think people think that when they find the quote unquote path that they're supposed to

00:29:53.220 be on, that everything is going to be easy.

00:29:56.400 All the obstacles will be eliminated and it'll just be smooth sailing.

00:29:59.400 And that is not proven true for me.

00:30:02.680 It just means that I can overcome those more effectively because I can see to some degree

00:30:08.000 what's on the other side.

00:30:09.900 When we have a false sense of realization about what it's actually going to take, even though

00:30:15.100 we may be walking the correct path, we set ourselves up for failure.

00:30:20.640 It's, it would be like jujitsu going into jujitsu for the very first time and having all these

00:30:25.020 weird expectations of how good you'll be and how you'll be able to tap everybody.

00:30:28.740 And nobody's going to hold up anything to you.

00:30:30.700 And you've never been into the class before.

00:30:32.040 Well, what's going to happen?

00:30:33.420 You're going to quit. 1.00

00:30:34.840 You're going to go into class and you're going to get your ass kicked. 1.00

00:30:37.300 And you're going to say, well, I guess that wasn't for me. 1.00

00:30:39.460 I guess I, I guess I shouldn't be doing that.

00:30:41.320 That's not the path I'm supposed to be on.

00:30:42.920 No, it's your own fault for having a weird sense of expectations about what this would

00:30:46.460 actually be.

00:30:47.720 If on the other hand, you went into the jujitsu class and you said, you know what, man, I

00:30:52.320 have no idea what I'm doing.

00:30:53.820 I don't know what to expect.

00:30:55.660 I'm going to work as hard as I can.

00:30:57.380 I'm going to be as diligent as I can.

00:30:58.800 I'm going to listen and be a good student.

00:31:00.140 And I'm going to try to be technical.

00:31:01.720 But at the end of the day, I'm going to let this play out the way that it's going to play

00:31:05.820 out.

00:31:06.100 And regardless of what happens here, I'm not going to let it deter me from

00:31:09.440 coming to back to class next week.

00:31:12.000 And I know that's a small example with jujitsu, but that's life in general, right?

00:31:15.340 Taking a new job, having a new relationship, taking on a new project, you name it.

00:31:21.560 We're all going to deal with, with stuff that we don't want to do stuff.

00:31:24.860 That's not enjoyable.

00:31:25.660 And I think having weird expectations about how good you're going to be or how effective

00:31:30.660 or how easy or simple it's going to be is one of the biggest factors that causes people

00:31:36.360 to throw in the towel prior to the point they should actually be throwing in the towel.

00:31:42.400 So deal with it, understand it's going to happen.

00:31:45.280 And then give yourself the tools and the strategies and a plan.

00:31:48.140 Hey, when, when this obstacle and this challenge and this trial comes up, because I've anticipated

00:31:52.140 that something's going to happen, how am I going to deal with it?

00:31:54.480 If you start planning that way, then you actually equip yourself for the challenges and the trials

00:32:02.020 and obstacles that you're going to inevitably have to deal with.

00:32:07.180 I like that.

00:32:08.040 I, I made note of, of why you're talking.

00:32:12.020 What I heard from what you said, Ryan is one, you got to let go of the ego, the willingness

00:32:17.840 and the idea that like, Hey, I'm like, if you use the example of jujitsu, right?

00:32:23.420 I'm going to go into this gym and guess what? 0.99

00:32:24.820 I don't know shit. 1.00

00:32:26.440 I'm going to probably get my butt kicked. 1.00

00:32:28.240 I'm here to learn. 1.00

00:32:29.200 Right.

00:32:29.540 So there's a let go of an ego and expectation of the level of effort and kind of the mindset

00:32:35.300 that, that if something's difficult, then it must be wrong.

00:32:39.440 Right.

00:32:39.660 Like changing your mindset and coming to the realization that this may be difficult, right?

00:32:43.620 I'm going to understand the expectation around the level of effort and difficulty to accomplish

00:32:47.680 this.

00:32:48.380 And then the last thing I heard from what you said was understanding the impact.

00:32:52.420 Why are you doing it?

00:32:54.080 What happens if you don't change Tom?

00:32:56.920 Good question.

00:32:57.560 What happens, what happens if you, if you don't make that adjustment?

00:33:00.780 I mean, we, we talk about this on the iron council, you know, the book as a man thinketh,

00:33:04.860 why is that book so powerful?

00:33:06.680 Because he illustrates James Allen illustrates what is the impact if you don't change your

00:33:13.140 thought process.

00:33:14.680 That's why it's impactful.

00:33:17.220 Right.

00:33:17.880 So, so I think understanding the why, right?

00:33:20.360 The impact, what's the impact if you don't.

00:33:23.120 So expectation impact.

00:33:25.980 Yeah.

00:33:26.160 I like that.

00:33:26.740 I mean, I'll give you another example.

00:33:27.980 So I've, I've been hunting for the last little while and I've shared some of those stories

00:33:32.100 and I've had some successful hunts and I've had some unsuccessful hunts.

00:33:35.920 This last hunt that I went on was an unsuccessful hunt.

00:33:38.720 And I caught myself saying, I'm not a good hunter.

00:33:41.460 I'm just not a good hunter.

00:33:42.760 Well, yeah, you're not a good hunter because you've been doing it for a year.

00:33:46.280 You've been, you've been on four hunts.

00:33:48.320 So yes, you're not a good hunter.

00:33:50.140 And so my knee jerk reaction is like, I'm not good at this.

00:33:52.520 I'm done.

00:33:53.220 I, I'm throwing in the towel. 1.00

00:33:55.360 That's stupid. 1.00

00:33:56.580 Like there's no other way to say that. 1.00

00:33:58.220 That's immature.

00:33:59.180 It's childish.

00:34:00.020 And it's completely delusional.

00:34:03.280 It's not, you're, it's not that you aren't meant to do that thing.

00:34:07.000 It just means that you haven't learned the skillset fully and that there's trials that

00:34:12.320 you didn't anticipate.

00:34:13.880 So don't attach yourself to it.

00:34:15.860 Just say, oh, I didn't learn what I needed to learn yet.

00:34:18.680 Yeah. 0.99

00:34:19.180 And it sucks, man. 0.99

00:34:20.340 It haunts your dreams. 0.99

00:34:21.280 I mean, truly, I know it sounds funny, but I missed a great opportunity on a whitetail up

00:34:25.640 in Minnesota.

00:34:26.800 And, and I'm not kidding.

00:34:28.020 It is literally haunted my dreams.

00:34:29.660 Like I've seen that buck in my dreams.

00:34:31.440 And it doesn't mean that I'm not a good hunter or that I'm not cut out for it or that it

00:34:38.400 isn't what I should be doing.

00:34:39.540 It just means that I just missed a good opportunity and I got to learn from it and then hopefully

00:34:44.140 get back into it and, and, and redeem myself.

00:34:48.100 Don't attach yourself to it so much like detach, just detach and realize, okay, I just

00:34:53.900 haven't put in the work.

00:34:54.580 I just got to put in the work and have some faith that if you do and you're willing to

00:34:59.040 drive forward and maintain that consistency in that discipline, that things will work

00:35:03.300 out.

00:35:03.760 The people that are successful at any facet of life is because they just been doing it

00:35:07.520 for long enough and they learn from their mistakes.

00:35:10.560 Jiu Jitsu, hunting, entrepreneurs, athletes, scholars, New York times, bestselling authors.

00:35:15.880 I mean, take a New York times, bestselling author, how many books or conversations or blog

00:35:20.160 posts or words has that individual written long before he ever had a New York times bestseller?

00:35:25.060 You know, even look at Jocko Willink, his first book, uh, extreme ownership.

00:35:29.040 Him and Leif Babin, first book, New York times, bestselling book.

00:35:33.500 It's been in there for, for years now on the New York times bestselling list.

00:35:37.820 And so people say, well, so I see, this is, I guess they were just meant to be dude.

00:35:41.520 They've been in the steel teams for decades.

00:35:44.580 They've been leading individuals, high caliber individuals for decades.

00:35:49.420 Yeah.

00:35:49.840 His life was on the line to get those experiences.

00:35:52.760 Right.

00:35:52.880 So don't, so don't say that because you didn't write the New York times bestselling book that

00:35:57.880 you just wrote and it didn't make the list that you're not cut out for it.

00:36:01.120 And then to go, what we were talking about earlier in the very first part of this thing

00:36:04.880 is to compare yourself to somebody else.

00:36:07.460 It just, it's not, it's not, you're not ready yet.

00:36:10.660 You don't have what you want because you haven't earned it yet, which actually should give you

00:36:14.180 hope not to spare.

00:36:15.760 It should give you hope knowing that, oh, as soon as I learned this, then I'll experience

00:36:19.620 the result of the, of that thing.

00:36:22.440 Yeah.

00:36:23.400 What else we got?

00:36:25.200 Ryan Gillette, how to remain civil with family members that have different political views

00:36:29.720 during the holidays.

00:36:30.980 Well, there's some people that you just can't, if you're having those types of discussions,

00:36:34.720 maybe you're the guy, like maybe, maybe you're the a-hole who can't remain civil. 0.67

00:36:40.040 And if you recognize that in yourself, just don't have the conversations.

00:36:43.620 There's some conversations that I can't have with my mom and my sister.

00:36:46.640 I just can't because we'll argue and we'll debate and we'll bicker and we'll get mad

00:36:51.420 at each other and then it'll ruin everything.

00:36:53.200 And you know what?

00:36:53.700 That's a hill that I just really don't care to climb.

00:36:56.220 I just don't, I'm not interested in that.

00:36:58.120 There's other conversations that we can have where we disagree and yet we can still have

00:37:02.920 a civil discussion, intellectual discussion.

00:37:06.960 So I would say, recognize if an individual is incapable of having that discussion, then just

00:37:11.540 don't have it.

00:37:12.580 If you're not capable of having that discussion with civility, then don't have it.

00:37:16.640 Have it.

00:37:18.060 It's okay that somebody thinks different than you.

00:37:20.120 It's okay if it's your family, you can still love them.

00:37:21.900 It's okay if it's your friend, you can still be their friend and appreciate them.

00:37:25.960 You can try to remain civil, but the moment even that you have that conversation, it gets

00:37:30.020 uncivil, just disengage because you're not interested in climbing that hill and having

00:37:35.020 that battle.

00:37:35.520 I'm, I'm not, I have too many other things to worry about than to bicker and argue with

00:37:39.520 people who don't agree with me, especially if they're going to get, and you know what?

00:37:43.920 This is a learned skill because I've been doing it on social media.

00:37:46.240 Like I know when somebody wants to have an intellectual discussion versus somebody who 1.00

00:37:50.300 just wants to be an idiot. 0.99

00:37:52.260 And when I recognize that I act accordingly. 1.00

00:37:57.320 Yeah.

00:37:57.720 All right.

00:37:59.960 Ben Riley, at what point is a boy, a man?

00:38:03.680 I've never believed it's simply a matter of age.

00:38:06.500 Wondering your take on this.

00:38:09.000 Uh, yeah, it is a matter of age, I believe.

00:38:11.520 And a lot of guys will say this. 1.00

00:38:12.980 Well, all it takes is a penis to be a man. 0.99

00:38:14.800 That's not true because my six-year-old has the anatomy of a male, but he's not a man. 0.99

00:38:19.880 I wouldn't consider it.

00:38:20.840 Nobody even expects him to be a man.

00:38:22.140 So it takes a little bit more than just some anatomy and it takes a little bit more than

00:38:26.600 an age.

00:38:27.560 Uh, a boy is a man when he's personally accountable and responsible for his own life. 0.92

00:38:32.520 Period.

00:38:33.360 That's it.

00:38:34.220 Oh, and I, I should add the lives of the people under his care.

00:38:37.740 That's why a hundred years ago when, when, when dad was, was killed or died prematurely

00:38:42.160 because of an illness or an injury and, and little Timmy had to step up in the house.

00:38:46.880 He became a man because he provided for his mom potentially and his siblings and he helped

00:38:52.340 raise them and he was out earning income and doing what needed to be done.

00:38:56.280 And he was accountable and responsible for himself and other people under his care.

00:39:00.060 He became a man.

00:39:01.140 It's the same reason a 35 year old who's living in mommy and daddy's basement, playing

00:39:04.540 video games all day when he should be out working, providing is not a man.

00:39:08.420 He's 35.

00:39:09.400 He should be a man, but he's not yet because he's not, he's not accountable and responsible

00:39:13.000 for himself.

00:39:13.600 So a boy becomes a man when he's personally accountable, responsible for himself and those 0.94

00:39:21.620 who are under his care.

00:39:22.760 Very simple.

00:39:24.900 Love it.

00:39:26.680 Andy Selig.

00:39:28.460 How much importance should a man place on the traditional Western holidays?

00:39:33.000 Also, can I buy my six-year-old nephew an ax for Christmas?

00:39:37.480 Uh, question number one, the importance of man should place on Western holidays.

00:39:43.940 I don't care.

00:39:44.620 Whatever you, whatever you want.

00:39:46.860 Uh, question number two, can I buy my six-year-old nephew an ax?

00:39:51.820 Well, I think you probably ought to talk to your brother and sister first, figure that out.

00:39:56.840 I don't think I'd buy my six-year-old an ax.

00:39:59.720 I might buy my eight-year-old one.

00:40:01.460 In fact, my second son is turning eight in December and we'll do a little rite of passage

00:40:08.280 for him because we do it at eight, 10, 12, 14, 16, and 18.

00:40:11.540 So he'll have his first little mini rite of passage at eight and he'll be earning, he doesn't

00:40:16.180 know this yet, but he'll be earning a knife and he'll be earning his first 22 rifle.

00:40:20.440 Well, but that also depends on the maturity level as well.

00:40:24.540 Of the kid.

00:40:25.120 Yeah.

00:40:25.340 Like I know, I know 12 year olds, I wouldn't let hold an ax.

00:40:29.900 Yeah.

00:40:30.400 But I also know eight-year-olds who I would completely trust with a firearm.

00:40:36.020 So it just depends on the, the maturity of the child, I think.

00:40:39.320 And, and what his parents say.

00:40:41.240 I have a thought for Andy on the whole traditional Western holidays.

00:40:44.900 Yeah.

00:40:45.360 If you don't mind me throwing in.

00:40:46.520 No, I don't mind.

00:40:47.100 I just, I just, I don't, I don't really understand the question because I just, maybe I just don't

00:40:51.080 care about it or what I just think do whatever works.

00:40:53.180 Yeah.

00:40:54.360 This, this is my take on this.

00:40:55.920 So you, you can place importance and get value from a great deal of many things.

00:41:05.240 Um, one of the examples that I have, I used to, uh, travel a lot more than I do now for

00:41:10.040 work.

00:41:11.240 And, uh, for a period of time, I spent some time in Dubai and, um,

00:41:17.100 and it's funny because when I was there, you know, you, you hear people complain about,

00:41:22.680 uh, I don't know how to say this, but people pushing religion a lot, right. 0.57

00:41:29.300 In their, in, in social cultures within the U S and, and, and a little bit of a complaint

00:41:34.460 about how that's infringes on their beliefs.

00:41:37.960 And when I was over in Dubai, it was ironic because I thought, man, this is actually kind

00:41:43.660 of cool.

00:41:43.940 Like, this is not my religion, but multiple times a day, right.

00:41:48.360 People start praying in the middle of the mall, by the way.

00:41:50.860 Yeah.

00:41:51.380 Right.

00:41:52.420 And, and instead of making it wrong and saying, oh, well, this is not my religion and it's

00:41:57.920 not, you know, I don't like this in front of my face.

00:42:00.640 Instead, I embraced it.

00:42:02.500 Like, this is really cool.

00:42:04.160 Like, maybe I should use this as a reminder for me to pray during these times and see the

00:42:09.740 values of people, uh, and the actions they've taken in their religion, even though it may

00:42:14.560 not be mine.

00:42:15.340 And so to that point, what I'm suggesting here is, is there value in traditional Western

00:42:20.320 holidays?

00:42:21.000 Sure.

00:42:21.600 If you make it valuable.

00:42:23.340 So look for the opportunity, look for the good in, in Western holidays, right.

00:42:28.020 For in Christmas and Thanksgiving, create tradition that promotes core values, uh, within your

00:42:35.220 van and within your family and, and creating traditions and, and, and get after it and find

00:42:40.340 the value, find the importance of them.

00:42:42.260 I think there's a lot of opportunity.

00:42:44.200 I think it's a great perspective.

00:42:45.420 I have guys who I'll answer a question or a thought with a scriptural reference, for example,

00:42:50.300 and they'll come back and they'll say, I'm not, I'm not Christian.

00:42:53.660 I don't believe in Christianity.

00:42:55.400 And my answer is so.

00:42:58.020 I'm like, I don't, what does that have to do with anything?

00:43:00.080 It's a book.

00:43:00.440 It's still a valuable point.

00:43:01.480 It's a book.

00:43:02.420 You know, it's like, you can learn from that.

00:43:05.220 You can extract meaning and a lesson that, that, that can be learned from that, regardless

00:43:10.180 of if you believe in Christ or not.

00:43:12.240 So I, I like your, I like that thought, man, is learn where you can, what you can, from what

00:43:17.060 you can place meaning on it.

00:43:18.380 That's, that's importance to you, that it is important to you.

00:43:21.300 It's great perspective.

00:43:22.320 It's actually your perspective from last week when you talked about finding an influence

00:43:27.660 through all relationships.

00:43:29.300 It's the same concept, right?

00:43:31.220 I knew, I knew it came from me.

00:43:32.840 It was really, I knew you got that from me.

00:43:37.460 Sure.

00:43:38.620 All right.

00:43:39.160 Ellis Lloyd Williams, should society consider reintroducing national service?

00:43:45.220 Oh, this is an interesting question.

00:43:47.280 Yeah, totally.

00:43:47.900 On the surface, I would say, no, like, like from my, my knee jerk reaction is no, like,

00:43:52.680 why would I want a bunch of people who don't want to serve to serve?

00:43:55.080 And I'm assuming he's talking about the military.

00:43:56.880 I guess it could be in another capacity for the government, but I kind of think that's

00:44:02.040 one of the great things about our country is that we have men and women who are willing

00:44:05.600 to volunteer for, uh, service as, as our, as our nation's warriors and our first responders

00:44:11.600 and these types of people, and they're volunteering to do that by their own will.

00:44:15.740 I think that is a significantly more powerful warrior than somebody who's forced or coerced

00:44:21.740 to have to do that.

00:44:26.520 I don't know, man.

00:44:28.160 My, that is my knee jerk reaction is that we should be as, as men and as parents and community

00:44:33.980 leaders, we should be talking about the value of service to our nation.

00:44:36.940 We should talk about protecting our nation.

00:44:38.880 We should make it an admiral quality and trait to be patriotic and to feel like there's some

00:44:44.360 sort of civic duty that we have, not only do our neighbors, but to our countrymen in general.

00:44:49.300 And I think that will help boost and prop up the numbers.

00:44:52.360 Um, I, I know that we're having a hard time enlisting qualified soldiers and Marines and

00:45:00.440 airmen into the military.

00:45:03.620 Uh, and I think that's indicative of the way parents are parenting, but I don't know if

00:45:09.220 it's a good idea to introduce some sort of national service.

00:45:11.540 And I even question whether or not it's constitutional.

00:45:16.380 Yeah.

00:45:18.200 That's an, I'm going to have to think more on that, but my knee jerk reaction is no.

00:45:21.740 Why would I want that?

00:45:22.840 Why would I want a bunch of people who don't want to be there to go into battle a life and

00:45:28.400 death situation with me, who feels like they have some sort of civic or patriotic duty to

00:45:33.620 sacrifice for himself and other people.

00:45:37.320 Like that is an infinitely more powerful warrior against a guy who's coerced to be there.

00:45:42.640 Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

00:45:45.580 Yeah.

00:45:46.100 And there's so, so much power in, in that perspective of service to country.

00:45:50.120 Um, if you don't mind me sharing it, I'll share a quick story.

00:45:53.560 So I was, I was doing work for the department of defense, um, as a consultant years back.

00:45:59.060 And I was in a room with a handful of tech guys and we start talking about the different

00:46:06.060 branches that they're all serving in.

00:46:07.640 Right.

00:46:07.880 So, and they're kind of giving each other grief and there's a couple of guys in the air

00:46:11.940 force and a few Marines and a few army guys.

00:46:14.720 And one of the guys stops and he looks at me and goes, well, what branch did you serve in?

00:46:20.540 And everyone got quiet to listen.

00:46:22.440 I'm like, Oh no, no, I don't have a military background.

00:46:24.760 And he goes, you didn't serve your country. 1.00

00:46:30.660 And I felt like, you felt like crap. 1.00

00:46:33.680 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:34.140 Totally felt like crap. 0.98

00:46:34.840 But their perspective, these guys were generational servicemen. 0.99

00:46:39.800 Yeah.

00:46:40.620 This was a very serious thing to them, right?

00:46:43.620 This wasn't, Oh, you know, I don't know what I'm going to do.

00:46:46.460 So I'm going to join the military.

00:46:47.900 No, no.

00:46:48.940 These guys were serving their country and it really kind of shook me up a little bit. 1.00

00:46:53.580 And of course he's kind of giving me shit at the same time. 0.99

00:46:55.740 Yeah, of course. 0.99

00:46:56.380 But it was really insightful to, to see their perspective of what the military was.

00:47:02.260 And, and obviously that was given to them by their parents or more likely, but maybe not.

00:47:07.500 But I would say maybe not given, I know what you're saying, but I would say fostered maybe,

00:47:13.120 maybe a better word for that because, and that goes back to the point that I was making earlier

00:47:17.260 that I think we have an obligation as parents and leaders of the community to foster this

00:47:22.540 sense of patriotism and the sense of duty, civic duty.

00:47:26.940 I think that's important.

00:47:28.460 And the more that we can do that, I think the better off we're going to be.

00:47:31.500 And we won't even have to have conversations about introducing some sort of national service.

00:47:36.360 I mean, yeah, that's, that's a tough one, man.

00:47:39.020 That really is a tough one.

00:47:40.820 Yeah.

00:47:40.980 All right.

00:47:42.520 Next question.

00:47:44.000 Andre Koltsov, Koltsov, would you be willing to do a GORUCK star course with me in Normandy?

00:47:52.040 Sure.

00:47:53.260 There you go.

00:47:54.680 Shoot me the details.

00:47:55.980 Let's get something figured out.

00:47:58.040 That's awesome.

00:47:59.360 All right.

00:47:59.680 Stefan Horn, in regards to starting a business.

00:48:01.640 Maybe he's asking you, Kip.

00:48:03.900 It doesn't say Kip.

00:48:05.140 It doesn't say Ryan either.

00:48:06.720 But it said you and it's uppercase.

00:48:08.640 So that means Ryan.

00:48:09.400 But I, but I also say Kip and I are going to be doing an Ask Me Anything.

00:48:13.160 What questions would you like us to address?

00:48:15.620 All right.

00:48:15.900 I'll go, I'll go to Normandy.

00:48:17.420 There we go.

00:48:17.800 Kip and myself are in.

00:48:19.780 All right.

00:48:19.940 What does Steven have to say?

00:48:21.520 All right.

00:48:21.820 Steven Horn, in regards to starting a business, what words of advice would you give to me on

00:48:27.200 starting a virtual business?

00:48:34.520 Start.

00:48:35.220 Start.

00:48:35.600 I mean, when you're talking about virtual, obviously, I think you're talking about an

00:48:39.700 online business.

00:48:40.980 Social media is huge.

00:48:42.620 So build up your social media accounts.

00:48:45.040 Start sharing your story.

00:48:46.140 Have a story.

00:48:46.900 Be able to articulate and communicate that story.

00:48:48.780 Get good at conversation.

00:48:50.000 Get good at marketing.

00:48:51.360 You're a marketer first.

00:48:52.360 Even with what I'm doing here.

00:48:53.420 I mean, we're marketing, right?

00:48:54.460 We're talking about the stories of masculinity and what it means to be a man.

00:48:57.540 And we're having guys come in, world-class athletes, scholars, soldiers, warriors come

00:49:04.040 in and talk about what it means to be a man.

00:49:06.100 And so these are all communication methods in order to share a powerful story.

00:49:12.300 And I think the better you can get at being a storyteller, the more effective business owner

00:49:17.700 that you're going to be.

00:49:18.920 Now, granted, you got to take care of the taxes and the accounts and the setting up the

00:49:22.520 business the right way.

00:49:23.320 And that's a given.

00:49:24.460 Everybody knows that.

00:49:25.560 But become a good storyteller.

00:49:28.540 Be able to do it on different mediums, whether that's from a stage or behind a microphone

00:49:32.720 like this or video or quick snippets on Twitter or Facebook or pictures through Instagram.

00:49:38.700 Become a storyteller.

00:49:41.160 And the better that you can become at being a storyteller, the more success that you're

00:49:45.580 going to have.

00:49:46.240 Because it's infinitely harder online to connect with an individual.

00:49:49.220 It's harder for me to connect, Kip, with somebody who's listening to this podcast than it would

00:49:55.240 be if I was sitting down shoulder to shoulder with them and having a conversation about some

00:49:58.840 of these same questions.

00:50:00.480 The only way we're able to bridge that gap is because you and I both know how to articulate

00:50:05.300 a point, communicate that point, and tell it in a powerful, powerful way.

00:50:10.000 And that's the connection that's being made.

00:50:11.640 So, if you're going to do something online, you have to be able to communicate effectively

00:50:16.540 and share stories regarding the message that you want to share.

00:50:21.900 That's the advice I'd give.

00:50:25.360 Yeah, there's a lot.

00:50:27.120 We could spend the whole hour talking probably just about this question, I think.

00:50:32.340 Yeah.

00:50:32.760 I mean, there's so much to a business.

00:50:34.820 There's so much little nuances and things that you have to be aware of.

00:50:38.200 But I think if you have that idea and that mindset in place, then you'll have some success.

00:50:45.020 Yeah.

00:50:45.260 The only thing I'd add, Stephen, is get an MVP.

00:50:50.620 Get in a position where you can try out the product and see if there's momentum and see

00:50:57.040 if there's traction.

00:50:58.160 I think far too often guys have these brilliant ideas, right?

00:51:00.920 Or we think we have these brilliant ideas and it has to be perfect.

00:51:06.100 And what's unfortunate is we don't know if the market will bear it or if there's even a market

00:51:12.260 for it.

00:51:13.380 So, the sooner you can confirm that, the better.

00:51:17.320 So, then that way you can have momentum around what you're doing, but you can also confirm

00:51:21.900 that there is even a business case for what you're wanting to do.

00:51:25.660 So, figure out whatever that is.

00:51:28.380 Yeah.

00:51:28.760 I mean, if you think about, no, you're absolutely right.

00:51:31.040 And if you think about what business is, it's identifying a problem, creating a solution

00:51:35.140 and selling it.

00:51:37.040 Yeah.

00:51:37.800 That's it.

00:51:38.660 Like, people just overcomplicate what business is.

00:51:42.260 That's how do I make money in business?

00:51:44.160 You identify a problem, you create a solution and you sell it to somebody.

00:51:49.240 And then you do it again and again and again, and you evaluate, is it working?

00:51:53.060 Is it not working?

00:51:53.760 Are people appreciating this?

00:51:55.120 I mean, we did this with the iron council, identified a problem, created the solution,

00:51:59.120 which was a 12 week course and sold it to 12 guys.

00:52:02.980 And we identified things that worked.

00:52:04.800 We identified things that didn't work.

00:52:06.360 And then we launched the next version and the next iteration and the next iteration.

00:52:09.160 And we just do it over and over and over again.

00:52:10.980 And we continually to, to continue to grow and to have success because we use that very

00:52:15.960 simple formula of identifying a problem, creating the solution and selling it.

00:52:21.480 Yeah.

00:52:23.120 All right.

00:52:23.940 Lee Mackey, how to deal with gaslighting in a relationship.

00:52:28.140 So gaslighting is interesting.

00:52:29.840 This is actually a, a, a trending word.

00:52:32.680 I would say based on some better sharing through the midterms, you better explain it.

00:52:37.580 Cause I have no idea.

00:52:38.780 So gaslighting is basically making somebody feel like they're insane. 0.84

00:52:43.220 Like they're crazy.

00:52:44.480 It's a form of manipulation, psychological manipulation.

00:52:48.680 It's you, it's using words and psychology to make somebody else feel like they're, they're 0.76

00:52:54.120 wrong or that they're crazy or insane.

00:52:57.360 Like it's a real, it's a really interesting thing.

00:52:59.760 And at the end of the day, it's, it's, it's abuse, psychological abuse.

00:53:04.080 Like if you're using your, your words to tear people down and make them feel like they're

00:53:10.420 crazy or they're, it's just not, I mean, does that even sound healthy?

00:53:16.180 Of course not because it's not healthy.

00:53:18.400 And so if you recognizing, if you, excuse me, if you recognize this in a partner, they are

00:53:25.420 using a form of psychological, either manipulation at best and abuse at worst.

00:53:31.620 And this is not somebody who knows how to use the skills, maybe potentially in the gifts and

00:53:39.500 the talents they have to lift other people up, but rather to push those people down.

00:53:42.940 I actually dealt with this a little bit in one of my stepfathers, very charismatic, very

00:53:48.560 bold, very assertive, uh, communicated very well, very successful in business. 0.99

00:53:53.140 And yet he used all of that to make people feel stupid. 0.97

00:53:57.380 And so rather than push or excuse me, to, to lift other people up and to prop other people 0.98

00:54:02.480 up, he, he stood on them and he pushed them down so that he could prop himself up.

00:54:08.300 This is not a healthy individual, and this is not somebody who you want to be in a relationship

00:54:14.380 with.

00:54:15.660 So how do you deal with it?

00:54:17.360 You bring it up to that individual and allow them an opportunity to correct their behavior.

00:54:22.540 If they do great monitor it, stay on top of it.

00:54:25.960 If they don't disengage, it's not healthy for you.

00:54:29.500 It's not healthy for them.

00:54:30.500 And it leads to disaster in a relationship.

00:54:32.780 The sooner you can nip it, the better off everybody will be.

00:54:38.300 It's not, you're just not dealing in reality when you're doing that.

00:54:41.980 It's, it's dishonest.

00:54:42.980 It's intellectually dishonest.

00:54:44.620 I hear people do this in debates too, where they'll say thing, you know, somebody will

00:54:48.940 bring up a point and the other individual will bring up another point that has nothing

00:54:52.640 to do with that. 0.95

00:54:53.660 And they'll try to like make this person wrong or make them seem stupid based on something 0.92

00:54:59.120 that is completely irrelevant to the first point they made. 0.84

00:55:01.940 It's not healthy for a, for civil discourse.

00:55:04.900 And it's certainly not healthy to engage in a relationship.

00:55:07.260 Like you and I, Kip, we can disagree on stuff, but I'm not going to make you feel like an 1.00

00:55:11.800 idiot. 0.97

00:55:13.580 I mean, my, my goal is to say, well, that's weird. 1.00

00:55:15.700 Why do you like, it is like when I, when you say something that I don't agree with,

00:55:18.940 my thought is like, that seems strange.

00:55:20.380 What, why does he think that?

00:55:22.160 And so I ask you, and then you explain it.

00:55:24.200 I'm like, no, I still don't agree.

00:55:25.240 Or, oh, I actually didn't consider that a perspective.

00:55:28.300 And then you do the same thing when you disagree with me, that's healthy.

00:55:31.620 And that's what this country needs more of than anything else.

00:55:36.380 I don't think liberals and conservatives and Democrats and Republicans, and I don't think

00:55:43.580 we're at odds with each other.

00:55:44.840 I think there's a, a, a small minority of people that wants us to be pitted against each

00:55:49.580 other and the louder they can be about it.

00:55:51.920 And the more violent we can be.

00:55:53.640 I mean, there's even like, things are getting violent in situations where there's just disagreements

00:55:59.300 and it doesn't have to get violent.

00:56:01.700 It's like, okay, let me understand your situation because I don't think, I don't think liberals

00:56:06.360 are inherently evil.

00:56:08.640 And, and obviously I don't think conservatives are inherently evil.

00:56:12.060 I think we're all kind of after the same thing, just a matter of the way that we go about

00:56:16.220 doing it.

00:56:16.580 I mean, everybody wants to be happy.

00:56:18.300 We want to be fulfilled.

00:56:19.740 We want to be, I think for the most part, left alone to do what it is that we think is

00:56:23.900 important and worship the way we want to worship and run our businesses the way we want

00:56:27.800 to run our businesses.

00:56:28.680 We don't enjoy.

00:56:29.560 I don't think anybody really enjoys the fact that, that there's people who are not going

00:56:34.400 to be able to have a meal tonight or today or a roof over their head tonight, or they're

00:56:38.420 addicted on drugs and they can't get a job.

00:56:40.800 And if there's other people who are, who are handicapped physically, mentally, I don't

00:56:45.080 think anybody likes that.

00:56:47.180 I think we're all on the same page.

00:56:48.740 It's just a matter of the way we go about solving these problems. 0.99

00:56:51.920 And if we just opened up a little bit and stop making each other feel so stupid and instead 0.97

00:56:56.260 try to understand each other, I think we'd come to some more common ground than we realized 0.94

00:57:00.640 was even possible.

00:57:03.340 And I am not running for office by the way.

00:57:08.180 So don't ask.

00:57:09.500 People ask me that.

00:57:10.660 When are you going to run for president?

00:57:11.640 Never.

00:57:13.040 Brian's like, I'm not, but my beard will.

00:57:15.220 Absolutely.

00:57:16.800 Absolutely.

00:57:18.400 What else?

00:57:20.340 All right.

00:57:22.260 Dave Yancey, working on yourself is a must and must be at the core of what we focus on.

00:57:29.320 However, that doesn't alleviate the innate feeling of responsibility to fix when you see

00:57:33.900 a wrong outside of your control.

00:57:36.220 What advice do you have on how to address those feelings when they do arise and move past the

00:57:41.340 feeling of responsibility?

00:57:42.720 Well, you should be responsible for those things.

00:57:45.220 Like, isn't that your job as a man?

00:57:48.140 Like, if you see something wrong, then you should, you should fix it.

00:57:52.020 But he's saying outside of your control or is there a line there?

00:57:57.960 Well, I mean, yeah, you can't control the weather.

00:58:01.400 Like, why would you, you know, it's like focusing on that would be futile, right?

00:58:05.180 Like that's, it's pointless.

00:58:07.600 I can't, I can't control how the Raiders play their game, their season.

00:58:13.300 That's why I always laugh when somebody says, our team, our team did it.

00:58:15.620 No, that the team did it or didn't do it.

00:58:18.140 Not our team.

00:58:21.920 So, yeah, but, but I think there's a lot more within our control than we actually give ourselves

00:58:25.420 credit for.

00:58:25.880 Well, I'll give you an example.

00:58:26.760 The current trend of masculinity from my perspective seems to be on the decline.

00:58:30.140 And I feel like the problems out there could be solved.

00:58:33.180 A lot of the problems could be solved if we reclaimed and restored what it means to be

00:58:36.660 a man.

00:58:37.320 Now, some people say, well, that's outside of your control.

00:58:39.440 Maybe, but I also have a lot of influence on that thing as evidence through our podcast

00:58:43.920 and the blog and the Facebook group and the iron council and everything else that we're

00:58:48.460 doing.

00:58:48.920 So, yeah, if you see something that's wrong, then I think we should, as men have some sort 1.00

00:58:53.880 of feeling of responsibility to fix that thing.

00:58:56.180 That's how the world gets better.

00:58:58.200 Now, that being said, you have to choose your battles.

00:59:01.180 There's some, some horrendous things that I see wrong in the world.

00:59:05.420 A friend of mine, his name is Jack Carr.

00:59:08.040 He went, and I don't know the entire story.

00:59:09.920 I'm actually gonna be having a podcast with him here, but he went to Africa to help fight

00:59:14.180 against poaching.

00:59:15.300 I think that's a noble cause.

00:59:18.040 I think that's something that, that should be addressed.

00:59:21.160 Cameron Haynes, Bo Hunter, friend of mine.

00:59:23.520 He talks a lot about, uh, conservation efforts and why hunting is, is needed and, and, and

00:59:30.880 the, the conservation that goes behind it.

00:59:32.800 Now, is that a noble cause?

00:59:34.480 Absolutely.

00:59:35.800 A hundred percent.

00:59:37.020 Is that something that I'm going to choose to fight?

00:59:39.540 Not to the level he is and not to the level that Jack is because I have my own battles

00:59:45.760 that I feel like take precedent over what it is they're doing.

00:59:48.220 So through all of us working on what we see wrong, I think we solve a lot of the problems

00:59:52.720 that we, we recognize and, and come up.

00:59:55.520 So you should be doing both.

00:59:56.680 You should be working on yourself.

00:59:58.020 And in the meantime, working on the solutions to the problems that you feel are relevant

01:00:01.720 to you.

01:00:05.200 Kind of circling back to what we talked about earlier is, you know, find a problem, go after

01:00:09.360 it.

01:00:09.660 I mean, there's, and you see it, you see the examples of it all the time.

01:00:12.980 Like the guys with the underground railroad, right?

01:00:16.540 Yeah.

01:00:16.780 People would argue sex trafficking of, of young people is outside of our control.

01:00:23.540 It's, it's not even happening in my neighborhood and it's in a different country, but could

01:00:27.460 you do something about it?

01:00:28.680 Right.

01:00:28.900 Yeah, you could.

01:00:29.540 If that's the battle you choose to fight.

01:00:31.400 Yeah.

01:00:32.000 And I'll give you a great example.

01:00:33.440 So operation runner underground railroad, Tim Ballard is the founder of that organization

01:00:37.360 that, that is a battle that I feel like is important.

01:00:40.420 And yet it's not my battle.

01:00:42.900 It's not the one I've chose.

01:00:44.220 It doesn't mean I don't think it's important.

01:00:45.720 I think it's, it's critical.

01:00:47.560 And so I did what I felt like I could do to support the mission, which was to have Tim

01:00:51.360 on the podcast.

01:00:52.480 But that's the extent of what I can give to that organization because I have other things

01:00:56.500 I'm working on.

01:00:57.200 It doesn't mean I don't think it should be done or handled or taken care of.

01:00:59.800 It just means that I am going to contribute in the way that I think is, is good.

01:01:03.400 And as much as I can possibly give.

01:01:07.920 Copy.

01:01:08.760 What else?

01:01:10.340 All right.

01:01:11.000 Chris Dalton.

01:01:13.060 Uh, he posted a question actually from his dad, uh, Barry, Barry is wondering, he wants

01:01:19.720 to know if your entire life is scheduled.

01:01:22.200 He said that you all, you, you guys always talk about a routine and how everything in

01:01:26.680 your life is scheduled.

01:01:27.740 He wants to know if you ever sit down, relax and do nothing.

01:01:30.820 If you go for walks or sit in the backyard and do nothing.

01:01:34.840 I don't like, he's really, he's really curious about this because he doesn't think anyone's

01:01:40.080 life should be that scheduled.

01:01:41.560 That's fine.

01:01:42.120 If it doesn't work for you, then do what works for you.

01:01:43.880 I don't, I don't do nothing.

01:01:46.860 Doing nothing doesn't exist for me.

01:01:49.140 Now, will I sit down and read a book?

01:01:50.840 Absolutely.

01:01:52.480 Will I go for a walk with my family?

01:01:54.080 A hundred percent, but that's not doing nothing.

01:01:57.020 That has a clear and definitive purpose.

01:01:59.540 And so I've identified what that is and what's valuable to me.

01:02:02.280 And then I do that.

01:02:03.360 So do I disengage from work?

01:02:05.140 Yeah, absolutely.

01:02:06.360 I do.

01:02:08.120 But that doesn't mean that, or do I go on vacation?

01:02:10.680 Yeah.

01:02:11.260 I just had a great vacation.

01:02:12.240 Not too long ago with my family down to California.

01:02:14.060 We were there for four days.

01:02:15.360 I wasn't doing nothing.

01:02:17.020 I was engaging with my family and having conversations and having fun and learning and growing and laughing

01:02:22.200 and playing together and having, you know, fights on the beach, you know, and, and,

01:02:26.100 and digging holes and doing the things that we do.

01:02:27.920 It wasn't nothing.

01:02:29.820 Yeah.

01:02:30.380 Now I, I also leave margin in my life so that I can fill that time with the things that

01:02:35.880 are valuable and important to me.

01:02:37.620 One prime example.

01:02:38.720 So I've got a hunt.

01:02:39.860 I'm leaving for a hunt.

01:02:40.740 In fact, the release of this podcast, me and my son will be on a hunt in Texas and leading

01:02:45.980 up to the hunt, I've taken an hour to two hours every day to go out and to shoot my bow.

01:02:53.200 So I've created the margin in my day, my work day.

01:02:58.340 That is in order to fill it with something else that was important in the moment, which

01:03:02.980 is to get my reps in on the bow. 0.96

01:03:07.300 So it's not that I'm not doing anything.

01:03:09.100 It's just that I'm, that I'm creating some margin in some space and then doing things

01:03:14.520 that are valuable in different, different measurements, right?

01:03:17.860 Sometimes work is valuable and sometimes spending time with family is valuable and sometimes reading

01:03:22.000 a book and doing it for yourself is valuable, but certainly not nothing.

01:03:24.920 I think a lot of people have a difficulty sometimes when they hear that word schedule because they

01:03:31.180 see it as a constraint.

01:03:33.100 And so I think if we replace that with being intentional, then that's a whole different

01:03:39.180 story.

01:03:40.480 And I really think that's what we talk about on this podcast.

01:03:44.460 That's what we talk about in the Iron Council on a regular basis is being intentional because

01:03:49.180 the default behavior for most men, the default behavior, at least for me, is not to be highly

01:03:55.340 productive.

01:03:55.800 It is sometimes to be lazy and not do what I should be doing and, and to be comfortable

01:04:02.160 and not do the difficult things.

01:04:03.780 So it's, it's about intentionality and sometimes it requires scheduling and sometimes intentionality.

01:04:11.320 I have to be intentional about going for a walk and relaxing and watching a movie.

01:04:16.900 So it's really just being intentional and making sure that one's actions and life is

01:04:22.760 in line with the values and principles in which we've established as being important

01:04:29.060 in our lives.

01:04:30.600 Yeah.

01:04:30.720 I like that distinction.

01:04:31.680 The word intentional makes total sense.

01:04:33.580 Cool.

01:04:33.880 What else we got?

01:04:35.300 All right.

01:04:35.620 Randall Kasson, how to fix strained relationships with your child?

01:04:40.280 Well, it depends on, on how it's strained, right?

01:04:43.300 I think, I think from my perspective and certainly some things that I've done in my

01:04:47.440 life to, to strain the relationship between me and my children is to not be interested

01:04:51.580 in what it is they're interested in.

01:04:53.760 And I, and I think sometimes we place our own stuff, our own baggage, if you will, on

01:04:59.680 our children.

01:05:00.160 And we think that they have to do it like us and be like us and be interested in the

01:05:04.220 same things that we are.

01:05:05.340 And the fact of the matter is they're not, you know, we're not interested in, in the same

01:05:09.320 things that our parents are interested in.

01:05:10.600 So why would we expect our children to be interested in the same things that we are?

01:05:14.220 So I think the best way to fix a strained relationship is to go where your children

01:05:17.520 are and to get into their environment and their space, figure out, put yourself in their

01:05:21.980 shoes.

01:05:22.320 What do they enjoy?

01:05:22.980 What are they like?

01:05:23.580 What are they dealing with?

01:05:24.460 What struggles are they, are they working through right now?

01:05:27.000 And then be empathetic towards those things and be involved and anxiously engaged in what

01:05:31.040 it is they're doing.

01:05:32.420 My wife, my, my, I said my wife, but my daughter this morning, she came up to me.

01:05:36.160 She's like, dad, dad, dad.

01:05:38.020 Now she's five.

01:05:38.880 Okay.

01:05:39.140 But the point will, it'll make sense.

01:05:40.740 She's like, I learned how to draw a star in preschool yesterday. 0.96

01:05:45.120 It would have been very easy for me to say, Oh, that's really, that's stupid because I 0.98

01:05:50.660 know how to draw a star. 0.95

01:05:53.120 And yet we don't do that hopefully.

01:05:55.300 And we put ourselves in our kid's shoes and we realize, Oh, this is an important milestone

01:05:59.080 in her life.

01:05:59.780 It may seem trivial, but it's not to her.

01:06:04.200 So she's like, can I show you?

01:06:05.160 Can I show you?

01:06:05.560 Can I show you?

01:06:06.060 Yes.

01:06:06.420 Show me.

01:06:06.860 I would love to see it.

01:06:07.560 And so she drew me stars for like a half an hour.

01:06:09.440 She's like, look at this star and look at this star.

01:06:11.600 And inside I'm like, yeah, they all look the same.

01:06:13.740 It's just a star.

01:06:14.280 No big deal.

01:06:14.720 But on the outside, I was like, Oh, this is important to you.

01:06:16.820 Therefore it's important to me.

01:06:19.280 So this was last night.

01:06:20.600 Now this morning she comes up to me and she says, dad, dad, I, I learned how to draw stars

01:06:25.160 even better.

01:06:26.720 I've been practicing them.

01:06:28.280 Can I show you?

01:06:29.600 Absolutely.

01:06:30.140 I would love to see how much better you got at a star.

01:06:32.880 So she draw a star, drew a star, drew a star.

01:06:34.780 She's like, can I teach you now?

01:06:37.820 I know how to draw a star.

01:06:39.220 She doesn't need to teach me.

01:06:40.360 I already know how to do it.

01:06:41.320 But my answer was yes, you can teach me how to draw a star.

01:06:44.440 And so she taught me.

01:06:45.320 She's like, okay, now you do it.

01:06:46.680 And so I drew a star.

01:06:47.700 She's like, no, no, no.

01:06:48.220 You got to do like this.

01:06:48.940 And so I drew another star and I let her lead.

01:06:52.140 I let her show me something that was important to her.

01:06:58.640 I went to her level.

01:07:01.160 I know how to draw a star.

01:07:03.200 It's not a big deal, but if it's important to her and it's, and it's a big deal to her,

01:07:08.160 then it's a big deal to me.

01:07:10.720 And I know that's a really small example, but you could say the same thing about a child who

01:07:17.220 has gone through from his perspective, a divorce between you and your wife.

01:07:22.380 Or somebody who's getting bullied, or maybe he's not making the grades, or maybe he's

01:07:26.300 into drugs, or maybe he's what, or she is, whatever.

01:07:30.000 You can use the same principle to come to their level, whatever that level looks like

01:07:34.040 and be engaged in what they are.

01:07:36.320 I think it's very, very difficult to have a strained relationship when you're doing those

01:07:39.980 types of things.

01:07:43.800 What do you got?

01:07:44.400 Spot on.

01:07:46.280 I have nothing to add.

01:07:47.640 I think that's, that's a really good point.

01:07:49.500 I mean, I, I, I, any strain that I've placed on my relationship with my kids, I think has

01:07:55.060 always been a result of, of me trying to multitask and not putting them first and giving them

01:08:03.920 my full undivided attention.

01:08:06.460 So, and that's a form of exactly what you just said, you know, is, is going to their

01:08:12.940 level and, and being fully engaged.

01:08:15.220 So yeah, I think it's spot on.

01:08:17.360 Cool.

01:08:17.720 Let's, uh, let's take one or two more, just depending on how, how quickly we can get through

01:08:20.800 it.

01:08:21.040 All right.

01:08:22.020 Craig bears.

01:08:23.380 Will there ever be any father daughter legacy experience?

01:08:27.700 Uh, well, this goes into a lot of different things here.

01:08:30.360 So one, it goes into what I had said earlier about the battles I choose to fight, right?

01:08:35.620 Do daughters need to learn some of these things that we're talking about? 1.00

01:08:38.840 Potentially all of them.

01:08:39.700 The answer is yes.

01:08:41.100 Is it my battle?

01:08:42.240 Um, not right now.

01:08:43.760 No.

01:08:44.000 Uh, so will it ever be, I won't say no to that, but it's very difficult for me to say

01:08:50.220 that there will be, because I'm so focused on what it means to be a man and what, how

01:08:54.620 boys can become men.

01:08:56.080 I think this is the problem that boy Scouts is running into.

01:08:58.760 Like they're trying to be everything to everybody and therefore they're watering down any experience

01:09:03.480 that they can create.

01:09:04.760 Now, should girls learn these things? 1.00

01:09:06.640 Sure.

01:09:07.260 Of course.

01:09:08.260 I have no doubt that they should, but my mission is to help men and help young

01:09:13.860 men become men.

01:09:16.660 So there's that.

01:09:17.580 The other side of it is, is the liability.

01:09:19.700 I mean, it would, it would, it would have to change drastically for it to be appropriate

01:09:25.880 to have fathers and daughters there with just the way the event is set up.

01:09:30.200 And by the way, we just released the dates on our next one.

01:09:32.180 I think it's April 11th through the 14th of 2019.

01:09:35.560 So go to order of man.com slash legacy.

01:09:38.480 And you can watch the video from this last one and get registered.

01:09:42.440 And I think we're like 30 to 40% filled with that already.

01:09:45.200 So we'll be, we'll, we'll sell it out before the end of the year.

01:09:48.500 So I don't know.

01:09:49.280 I don't know if we will or not.

01:09:53.440 That was quick.

01:09:54.120 What else?

01:09:54.620 All right.

01:09:55.780 Steve Woody, what ancient warrior philosophy do you and Kip follow?

01:10:00.080 Um, I don't follow one.

01:10:04.700 I don't know if there's a philosophy that I, that I follow.

01:10:08.060 I learn, I try to learn from everywhere and incorporate what I can and what I like and

01:10:12.840 what I think serves me and those I'm trying to serve well.

01:10:15.160 And I leave what doesn't.

01:10:16.260 So there isn't like a philosophy that I'm like, Nope, this is my Bushido is my philosophy.

01:10:20.200 For example.

01:10:20.900 No, I just learned what I can and apply what is significant to me.

01:10:24.560 Um, yeah, I'm the same way.

01:10:27.200 I don't have a, a given philosophy that I follow, but I, um, I do think that for whatever reason,

01:10:36.420 I just, this just comes to mind is respecting of all things, the earth, animals, life in

01:10:43.460 general.

01:10:43.800 Like that's, it's always been kind of something that's always been present for me.

01:10:50.280 So when I, um, I don't hunt, uh, as often as Ryan, but I take that very serious, right?

01:10:56.740 Like I love, I enjoy, and I will continue to hunt.

01:11:02.020 Um, but if I ever took, uh, animals life, I, I'm very, uh, humble in that process.

01:11:09.940 And so, um, maybe that's a form of ancient warrior philosophy, but yeah, I don't follow

01:11:15.320 anything in particular.

01:11:16.420 So, yeah.

01:11:17.600 Um, I would also add, let me just find something here because I did, well, in the, in the book

01:11:26.740 in sovereignty, we talk about having a code of conduct.

01:11:29.320 Um, and it seems like I just did another podcast.

01:11:32.320 I'd have to look, but it seems like I just did another podcast on having a code of conduct.

01:11:37.600 So look through our, it would be a Friday field notes.

01:11:40.220 So look through those.

01:11:40.960 I'll look through those on my end, but me and my, my boys at the legacy event, in fact,

01:11:44.920 sat down and wrote out our own code of conduct in the way that we'll operate, which is nice

01:11:49.840 because now when me or the boys fall out of line with that code, we can go back and we

01:11:53.580 say, look, remember when we said to your point, Kip, about respecting ourselves, other people

01:11:58.260 and our surroundings, that's in our code of conduct.

01:12:00.520 And if they're not doing that, I can go to that and say, Hey, look, you said that this was

01:12:03.620 important and yet you aren't living to this right now.

01:12:05.800 Let's correct the behavior.

01:12:06.640 And they're like, Oh yeah, I do remember that.

01:12:08.040 Cause they have, they have skin in the game.

01:12:10.380 They wrote this document with me.

01:12:12.240 And so having your own, you know, Mickler or your family names code of conduct, I think

01:12:17.240 would be a cool exercise.

01:12:19.220 Yeah, for sure.

01:12:20.940 Let's, uh, let's take one more.

01:12:22.860 All right.

01:12:23.460 Moose from the iron council, his question.

01:12:26.400 I've noticed the difference between how the need for masculinity is celebrated and nurtured

01:12:30.780 in groups like the order of man and iron council yet exploited in groups like the proud boys.

01:12:36.240 How would you reach out to a man who like the rest of us is reclaiming masculinity, but

01:12:41.380 maybe doing so in a destructive or non-contributing manner?

01:12:44.640 I don't, I'm not really familiar with the, the proud boys, so I'm not, I won't speak to

01:12:50.180 that.

01:12:50.860 Um, as far as being, what did he say?

01:12:53.920 Exploited in groups like the proud boys.

01:12:56.140 Yeah.

01:12:57.500 Or almost exploited, but also it sounds like it might be a little, in his opinion, destructive

01:13:04.020 or non-contributing.

01:13:05.500 Yeah.

01:13:05.900 I mean, that's, I mean, that's hard because there are a lot of groups like the groups that

01:13:08.900 come to mind for me are, are the MGTOW movement and, um, uh, incel involuntary celibate movement.

01:13:16.360 I mean, these are guys who are, are damaged, you know, they're, and, and rather than having

01:13:20.960 a healthy approach to some past sort of trauma, uh, they've decided to be destructive.

01:13:26.340 It's like, well, women are the enemy, so we're going to be their enemy. 1.00

01:13:29.020 It's like, that's weird.

01:13:30.580 Like that's not even, that's not healthy or, or even natural.

01:13:34.280 So I think there is some of this definitely that's going on.

01:13:38.620 That's, that's destructive.

01:13:40.280 Um, how would you, how would you reach out to somebody who wants to reclaim their masculinity,

01:13:46.380 but doing so in a destructive way?

01:13:47.960 Um, I would invite them to listen to the podcast, invite them to the Facebook group, invite,

01:13:53.080 have them read sovereignty, have them in look, if they're interested, if they're not interested,

01:13:58.340 there's nothing you can do.

01:13:59.260 I had a mentor of mine once tell me, you can't say the right thing to the wrong person.

01:14:03.340 So somebody who's not interested in growing and developing and learning and having a healthy

01:14:07.480 perspective of masculinity and how to use this in a way that's going to serve themselves

01:14:11.260 and other people best.

01:14:12.140 If they're not interested in that, there's nothing that you can do, unfortunately. 0.96

01:14:15.260 And that sucks.

01:14:16.300 And I think there's a lot of guys who get wrapped up in that, like, Oh, I just want to help 0.97

01:14:19.960 this person.

01:14:20.320 I want to save this person.

01:14:21.100 I want to be the superhero.

01:14:22.060 You can't save somebody who doesn't want to be rescued.

01:14:24.980 They'll fight you to, to, to, to, to lose.

01:14:29.020 It's strange and it's unfortunate, but it's the reality.

01:14:31.860 Now, if somebody is interested in that, yeah, that's why we have these resources.

01:14:35.120 We have these here so that people can tap into the podcast and tap into the Facebook group

01:14:40.580 and read the book and read the blog and, and, and find out exactly what it is we're doing

01:14:45.160 here.

01:14:46.080 Um, and then engage, you know, be, be an example to individual talk with this person, show them

01:14:51.100 the type of man that you're being and why the way that you view masculinity is, is more

01:14:55.900 productive and beneficial for them.

01:14:57.920 And I think they begin to incorporate some of this stuff in their life and see, look, it's the

01:15:02.600 scriptural reference by their fruits.

01:15:03.860 You shall know thee what are they're going to see what you're producing.

01:15:08.280 And hopefully they'll, they'll recognize that.

01:15:10.600 And they'll want to be part of that.

01:15:12.400 Or they'll see that what these other people are producing is, is not effective.

01:15:17.060 It is not positive.

01:15:18.260 And hopefully they'll see the error of that and decide to take a different path, but ultimately

01:15:22.940 be an example and share the resources that we have here.

01:15:25.820 Yeah.

01:15:26.220 And if that conversation isn't present, I think, Moose, you could buy them sovereignty,

01:15:32.040 give them the book and say, Hey, give this a read.

01:15:33.960 And, and when you're done, let me know what you think.

01:15:36.020 And, and use that as a starting point to, as a baseline of, Hey, are they on the same

01:15:40.360 page?

01:15:40.740 Is this, are they in a position to, to be opened up to some ideas and is what's in that

01:15:47.660 book important to them?

01:15:48.680 And if it is, then, then perfect.

01:15:50.340 Then you can even talk further.

01:15:52.000 Yeah.

01:15:52.640 Yep.

01:15:53.060 Exactly.

01:15:53.460 Right.

01:15:54.400 Non-threatening way.

01:15:55.460 Right.

01:15:55.700 To introduce some ideas and, and kind of get a pulse right for where they're at.

01:16:01.020 Well, and I think it's important you address that way because that is the difference.

01:16:04.520 It's, it's, it's a non negative or non-aggressive way.

01:16:08.740 It's a more constructive, positive way to approach the conversations of masculinity than

01:16:14.280 it is to believe that we're the victims and other people are out to get us in order

01:16:17.600 not to be got.

01:16:18.600 Then we have to put up these walls and these barriers against other people or other groups.

01:16:23.420 I don't think that, I don't, I don't even think men are victims.

01:16:26.740 I don't fall into that category.

01:16:28.360 I think there are some conversations that are being had that are going in the wrong way

01:16:31.220 and I'm going to shine light on that.

01:16:32.680 But I certainly don't make myself out as the victim and therefore I'm not going to victimize

01:16:38.600 other people because I feel victimized.

01:16:40.760 That's crazy.

01:16:41.400 Yeah.

01:16:43.140 Well, if you guys are like moose and you're looking for opportunities to help other men

01:16:48.480 level up and, and re re what's the term that you use, Ryan, regain their sovereignty or claim

01:16:55.600 and recapture reclaim or restore, I should say restore.

01:16:58.420 Yeah.

01:16:59.000 Restore their sovereignty.

01:17:00.340 You can do that a number of different ways.

01:17:03.020 One obviously is to subscribe to this podcast, share this podcast with others, leave a rating

01:17:09.300 and a review.

01:17:09.900 You can also join us on Facebook at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash order of

01:17:17.060 man, or you can join the patron at patreon.com forward slash order of man that will allow

01:17:24.040 you to obviously submit questions to this episode of the podcast, but it also comes with a number

01:17:29.680 of other perks and to learn more about those perks, just go to that website.

01:17:34.760 Once again, patreon.com forward slash order of man.

01:17:37.040 And you can follow Ryan at, uh, on Instagram at Ryan Mickler and Twitter.

01:17:42.480 He is, his handle is at order of man.

01:17:45.660 Um, I saw a photo on Instagram, I believe of you wearing a hoodie or a beanie.

01:17:51.380 I believe is that, is it official or are those out in the store now?

01:17:54.380 No, they should be in the next couple of days.

01:17:56.400 So I'm actually maybe by the time this is released, I'll, we'll make sure we let everybody

01:17:59.840 know.

01:18:00.200 But yeah, in the next couple of days, maybe even in the beginning of next week, uh, we

01:18:04.180 will have our beanies available, which they turned out awesome.

01:18:07.980 We were going to do them last year, but they just weren't coming together.

01:18:10.120 And if I'm going to make a product, it's going to be top-notch.

01:18:12.680 It's going to be the best.

01:18:14.060 And we couldn't make the best last year, but we could this year, which is what we've done.

01:18:18.100 So stay tuned.

01:18:20.600 Yeah.

01:18:21.020 It's getting cold.

01:18:22.100 I need one of those two.

01:18:23.180 It is.

01:18:23.480 We'll get you one.

01:18:24.740 Getting chilly.

01:18:25.780 All right.

01:18:26.400 All right, man.

01:18:27.120 Well, that's a wrap guys.

01:18:28.060 We appreciate you as always.

01:18:29.740 Great questions today.

01:18:30.820 Keep the questions coming.

01:18:31.820 Kip and I will keep answering them for you and, uh, let's keep the dialogue alive too.

01:18:35.160 So connect where Kip had mentioned, uh, let's keep this conversation going.

01:18:38.800 All right.

01:18:39.400 So guys go out there, take action, become the man you are meant to be.

01:18:43.280 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast.

01:18:46.140 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be.

01:18:50.220 We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - November 14, 2018

Avoiding the Comparison Trap, Pushing Through Challenges, and Rebuilding Strained Relationships ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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