Order of Man - Big Vision and Small Actions, Boundaries for Infidelity, and Being a Lighthouse Versus a Tugboat

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.140 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.680 you can call yourself a man. Sean, what's up, brother? Great to see you. Great to see you.

00:00:27.820 It's been a little bit. Yeah, you're becoming a regular on the Ask Me Anything,

00:00:32.760 so we're getting some good feedback. Guys like having you on, so I guess we'll keep having you

00:00:36.780 back. I hope so. I was at a thing just, what, today, Monday, on Saturday, an RTA event with Ed.

00:00:44.760 Oh, yeah. And there's like 2,500 people there, and we went to a dinner. We got invited to a dinner

00:00:49.920 afterwards for a lot of the guys that are in it, and it's funny. All of those guys have podcasts

00:00:56.720 and stuff, but several guys were like, oh, you're that guy? Oh, really?

00:01:02.160 The order man thing? Yeah, it was really funny. That's awesome.

00:01:05.500 And then they thanked me, which was cool, which is why we do it.

00:01:07.920 Yeah, for sure. It was nice. Well, not the thanks, but the fact that it helps, right? I think that's

00:01:12.680 what you meant anyways. Yeah, someone's listening. It helped them out. They said how it helped them,

00:01:17.700 different specific things they've heard from it. They all love your podcast. And the thing with

00:01:22.720 that group is, there was 2,500 people there, and they're all, I mean, the group I was with that I

00:01:28.240 was having dinner with, those are all guys that were there from when Ed started RTA, and those guys

00:01:33.660 paid 50 grand a pop to be a part of it. Yeah. So, you know, these are people that are obviously

00:01:39.600 serious in their lives about their self-improvement and becoming the best version of themselves,

00:01:43.960 and the fact that they're listening and that they're gaining valuable things is, it's saying

00:01:50.040 something. And it's just good to hear that input, you know, that validation, like you guys were

00:01:54.700 talking about in the, from the main event, external validation. Yeah, it's good. I mean, obviously we

00:02:02.020 shouldn't rely too heavily on that to keep our course of action, but the fact that you get it

00:02:06.840 occasionally and every once in a while is a nice thing. It's very nice.

00:02:10.780 Yeah. Well, you don't know, right? You just sit here, like you're sitting in your house,

00:02:15.780 I'm sitting in my barn and it's like, you don't know who's listening. You don't really know the

00:02:19.760 impact. You get more messages than I do, obviously, but it's, it's just nice to know. So that was cool.

00:02:25.860 I got to tell you that your, your, your presentation is, is on point today. You've got the American flag,

00:02:32.680 you've got the order of man flag, you've got the origin hoodie, which I don't even have yet.

00:02:37.580 The, the, the hot camo. No, I don't even have that stuff yet. I haven't gotten half of this stuff,

00:02:42.380 but this, I don't have that yet. Uh, you've got, it looks like the two or three axis deer that we

00:02:49.240 shot in Hawaii together. I think you've got, is that a, is that a black Hawaiian sheep that you

00:02:55.080 have as well? Or what is that? Okay. Yeah. Cause I've got mine right here. Yeah. I'm going to hook

00:03:01.100 you up with Justin. I think we talked about that before, uh, out there on big Island. He's got sheep all

00:03:06.400 over his, he's got 30,000. Is he a big, big aisle boy? Is that who that is? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

00:03:12.540 So I follow him on Instagram. He's the best you'll love. You guys will connect at some point. I'm

00:03:17.060 going to get you guys together. Yeah. That'd be great. Yeah. Well, right on brother. Well, um,

00:03:22.000 I think I was going to say Kip couldn't make it, but I think he could, I actually had to change the time.

00:03:26.540 So I figured I should show up to my own podcast every once in a while. So I changed the time and

00:03:30.840 told Kip to take a seat. And here you are. We've got questions from the Facebook group,

00:03:35.740 which guys you can join at facebook.com slash groups slash order of man. And then we've got

00:03:40.820 our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council where it's, I don't even want to say Facebook on steroids

00:03:47.260 because it's so much more than that, but, uh, you're going to be able to band with men,

00:03:52.100 connect with other guys. We've got accountability systems in place. You're going to work with a

00:03:56.560 tight knit group of 12 to 15 men. We've got assignments. We've got challenges. We're

00:04:01.540 calling each other out. We're studying a fight club this month. So it's pretty cool what we do

00:04:08.340 in the iron council. It's closed right now, but guys, if you are interested in what we're doing

00:04:12.140 over there, go to order of man.com slash iron council. And when we open up in about 40 days,

00:04:18.680 uh, you're going to be able to join with us and really kick 2023 in the pants. We'll say I'm going

00:04:26.700 to, I'm trying to clean up my language. It's like kick 2023 in the pants. Uh, it's going to be a good

00:04:32.540 year. So hopefully we can help. Anyways, that's where we're fielding our questions from. So Sean,

00:04:36.460 why don't you start with Facebook? I will. Hey, quick shout out there that I got to hang out with

00:04:41.140 Tyson Yonkers. I was out at the event cause it was here in Nashville. And, uh, so we hung out and

00:04:47.100 he's a big part of onboarding all the new guys into the IC too. And, you know, he was just talking

00:04:52.680 about process and everything else, how good it is the way that it is compared to when I

00:04:57.400 onboarded three years ago, man, you guys got it dialed. So I just wanted to give a shout out

00:05:02.520 to that. You know, the new guys coming in, you couldn't pick a better time to come into the IC

00:05:07.540 if you're thinking about it. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. We, and, and this is not, uh, on me at all.

00:05:14.180 I mean, it's guys like Tyson and Jay who are onboarding these new members, but our systems

00:05:18.280 are great. The, the tool that we use is actually just released, uh, a big new program and platform

00:05:25.680 that I'm going to be studying this week. That's going to help us facilitate even more growth.

00:05:29.260 And then we have a leadership conference for the iron council about a month ago. And we came up with

00:05:34.560 even more ideas for onboarding these guys and getting them off on the right start. So big things

00:05:39.220 coming, big things are coming. That's awesome. All right. Well, our first one is from Dominic

00:05:44.540 Francione and sorry, Dominic, I shouldn't know how to say your last name. I hope that's how you say

00:05:49.600 it. Sometimes I affectionately refer to him as Franioli, which he will understand. No one else will,

00:05:55.140 but Dom Franioli, uh, is asking the first question. Awesome. I thought it was, I just, you know,

00:06:00.980 you never know. So this says a question for Sean. I'm not making this up. He actually said that,

00:06:06.820 uh, it does apply to you though, too. When starting your business, how big was your vision for what it

00:06:12.780 would become? Were you immediately focused on the big picture, opening many offices all over the

00:06:18.120 country or more laser focused on creating an excellent single office with processes that were

00:06:23.880 scalable if possible? He addressed you. Why don't you lead it off? Yeah, I'll jump in, you know,

00:06:29.920 and, and, um, honestly, no. And I've, it's funny. Cause now when people ask me that I always talk

00:06:37.020 about thinking, grow rich and kind of thinking big and what your ultimate thing would be that you want.

00:06:42.240 And honestly, when I started, I couldn't wrap my brain around anything big. I was working part-time

00:06:48.640 and this was a side hustle for me. I just wanted to, if I could replace my income at my other job,

00:06:55.140 which I was working 70, 80 hours a week to pull home three grand a month. So if I could just make

00:07:01.340 three grand a month, but not have to answer to somebody else and control my schedule, that's

00:07:06.420 honestly, as far as I could think. So I was focused on that at first. And through that process,

00:07:12.700 um, I started thinking when I finally got licensed and was able to make money quickly, I was able to do

00:07:20.320 that. And then from that process, it turned into thinking about making five grand a month.

00:07:26.140 So honestly, most of it was super selfish and short-term. Now in that plan, I put in long-term

00:07:33.400 things, but the longest term I could think of was being a broker, meaning having my own agency,

00:07:38.640 but not even thinking about having my own office, just being a broker, still, you know, leasing space

00:07:45.260 in someone else's office and doing it that way was how I was initially thinking. That was

00:07:50.280 my major goal. And, and maybe I had five years out that I was thinking. And, and I didn't think

00:07:59.020 of agency or size. I honestly was just thinking like cashflow goals. And so I was thinking, Hey,

00:08:05.920 if I can make X amount a month, five years from now, I'd be stoked. Um, but then very quickly,

00:08:13.320 once I got my own office, I was now, this was pretty quick. Cause I was homeless sleeping in my

00:08:20.180 car in 2000, uh, in 2000, uh, I was homeless sleeping in my car by the end of a one, I got my

00:08:32.860 own office. Um, wow. And, or maybe middle of a one, I had already become a broker, gotten my own

00:08:39.900 office, gotten engaged with my wife. Um, and then by Oh five, we did our first event, um, where we had

00:08:51.800 300 people in our agency at that event. And kind of the rest is history from there. But from that,

00:08:59.420 from that being homeless and sleeping in my car, that's where I started really laser focusing on the

00:09:06.040 broker part. And then when I got my own office, that's when we laser focused on the stuff he's

00:09:13.660 talking about in creating our systems that made it scalable. We wanted our system so tight that it

00:09:20.880 was like a machine where we were just talking about the onboarding for the IC. That's what you're

00:09:25.760 doing with the IC, right? It's all system driven where you don't have to be there no matter who runs

00:09:31.500 it, it's going to be efficient and proficient. And, and my focus was on building leaders that

00:09:39.420 could then go open their own offices and, and scalable that way. And so all the systems we put

00:09:45.140 in place, we're going to make that possible. We put a, probably from getting our own office

00:09:50.900 to our first event, we spent that entire four years focused on perfecting those systems and turning

00:10:00.260 it into a machine. And then by the time we did that first event, it, um, then we only thought big

00:10:07.880 at that point, it was only thinking, you know, and then I look back to when I started in our company,

00:10:13.900 the entire size of that company at the time, when I started our agency now is larger than the entire

00:10:21.800 size of that company was back then. Um, you know, which is pretty cool. And then one more thought I had

00:10:27.720 on that was when I was homeless and sleep in my car. Um, we were just talking about Ed, Ed was just

00:10:35.320 Ed and we're talking to Ed Milet for those that don't know. Um, you know, Ed's been a business partner

00:10:40.800 of mine. He was a mentor of mine. He had me speak at one of his events when I was homeless and he

00:10:45.820 didn't know I was homeless and sleep in my car or anything like that. He just saw me up and coming

00:10:49.680 in his agency. And so he had me speak at an event. Um, he gave me two minutes to talk and, um, I spent

00:10:57.720 like the first 30 seconds of that two minutes frozen, like full on stage fright. One of the

00:11:05.040 crazy, that's a whole other story, but looking out at that crowd, which was probably 800 to a thousand

00:11:12.940 people that was like that seed of, you can have a team like this. You can have an agency like this.

00:11:21.580 You could have this many people in your organization. If it wasn't for him asking me to speak at that

00:11:27.440 and kind of getting that, that look out to the crowd and thinking of it as this could be mine.

00:11:33.840 It's that was a huge vision expander for me early on, even though I didn't write it into my plan

00:11:40.100 immediately. It planted that seed and, you know, it didn't take long for me to, uh, to have that land

00:11:47.740 in my plan, but it was super focused. I like what you say, how you talk about just not thinking too

00:11:54.900 far out and staying focused on what's in front of you. We did that. And then as through that process,

00:12:02.260 my vision was able to expand. I was able to like wrap my head around something big. And then we started

00:12:08.980 putting those big things in our plan. Yeah. I mean, I I'm, I'm very similar to you, uh, in that

00:12:15.020 you can't really have a bigger goal than you're capable of having. You can't have a bigger dream

00:12:20.300 than you're capable of having. Like it's, it's almost like headlights on the car. When you're

00:12:24.720 driving down a dark road, you flip your headlights on and you can only see so far. You can't see around

00:12:31.180 the next bend. You can't certainly can't see a mile away. You can see maybe, I don't know,

00:12:36.120 a hundred yards in front of you. If that maybe a little bit more, if you turn your high beams on,

00:12:41.760 but that's it. And so I think it's the same way when it comes to our business,

00:12:45.360 I want to stretch as far as I can. I want to get out as far as the headlights will show me.

00:12:51.040 But then something happens is you start to drive and you go another 10 yards or 20 yards or 50 yards

00:12:56.680 and you see what's in front of you next. And then you start having to have to make adjustments

00:13:01.120 along the way, because you might be on a straightaway and that bend is 150 yards ahead of

00:13:09.460 you, but you can't see it. You can only see it when you get 50 yards up. So what I would suggest

00:13:14.180 is make that dream as big as it possibly can be for you. And then as you go down the path,

00:13:20.080 adjust the dream, adjust the vision, adjust the goal, because new things, new revelations are going

00:13:24.500 to unveil themselves that'll help you think differently about it. And I'm similar with you,

00:13:28.980 with the business is I started it as a little side project, not even a business, just a side project.

00:13:38.140 And it gradually, but fairly quickly turned into what it is today. I just allowed it to unfold and

00:13:46.600 took advantage of it as it did. And I'm still doing that and I will still do that. So yeah,

00:13:51.440 I don't, I don't, I don't think we need to get so caught up in these big dreams that we can't even

00:13:56.040 fathom or don't seem possible. Cause it actually might do more harm than good.

00:14:00.320 Yeah. And discouraging you maybe, or you'd feel like a loser. Cause you were probably like me where,

00:14:05.340 you know, when I was going through that time, as I talk about it and I look back, I'm like,

00:14:10.020 dude, that was so fast to go from starting the business at the end of 99, you know, in like

00:14:17.040 scaling down and living in my car in 2000. And then I got into my own office in 2001 and like

00:14:26.440 literally never looked back and worried about money again. It seems like it was so fast, but

00:14:33.060 when I was in it and when I was living in my car and when I was going like living that nightmare,

00:14:37.880 trying to sell the dream while living the nightmare, it seemed like forever.

00:14:41.860 Right. It seemed like it was so hard and it was like every day was like, just seems so long. And

00:14:50.100 when is this going to happen? Is it going to work? What's, what's in store for me? Right. Those

00:14:56.780 questions that we have. So one thing that I've, I've said in the past is along the same lines of

00:15:02.980 what you're hitting on is that we can dream big, but play small. And what I mean, not play less than

00:15:11.620 we're capable of. That's not what I mean. What I mean is dream big dream as far as the headlights

00:15:16.000 can take you and then work backwards into small actionable steps that you can complete on a daily

00:15:24.980 basis and then throw away the expectations, just throw them away, get rid of them. And if you can do

00:15:34.160 those small, simple steps every single day for the rest of your life, and that's the kind of

00:15:41.020 commitment I'm talking about, you're inevitably going to win. It does not matter what you're

00:15:46.120 dealing with in life. If you can do those small steps every single day, you don't have to even

00:15:52.920 ask yourself, is this going to work? It is going to work. Now, granted, you have to do the right

00:15:58.220 things. Can't do small, dumb things. That's going to create a bad scenario for you, but we all know

00:16:04.960 what the right things are. And there's other things you can do. And I think I talked about this in the

00:16:08.500 Friday field notes, hire mentors, look at what other people have done, mimic the results, other

00:16:15.100 people, or the actions other people have taken that are successful in where you want to be, but

00:16:19.460 dream as big as you can, but play small, meaning those small, simple steps every single day. You'll

00:16:24.200 win. No doubt. Yeah. I like it. Next one is Paul Beam. He says, I'm a true believer of being a lighthouse,

00:16:33.200 not a tugboat. Part of the reason I have a lighthouse as one of my business logos. So I have

00:16:39.620 an employee that's young and dealing with a lot of typical BS. Most people tolerate as a leader.

00:16:45.220 What's the best way to tell a person they need to get their shit together.

00:16:49.480 Okay. So he's got an employee that he's having to deal with that employee's BS because he's young.

00:16:55.600 That's what he's saying. Okay. Uh, then you need to set up some boundaries and set up some rules

00:17:03.380 and establish some consequences for going over those boundaries. Not like, Hey, if you show up

00:17:09.160 late, you're fired, but Hey, if you show up late, we're going to have a conversation. If you show up

00:17:15.180 late twice, then we're going to have some constant. If you show up three times, you're out

00:17:19.360 and give him a path because it's, it's likely that a young, I don't know how old he is, but a young

00:17:27.060 person doesn't have a lot of that in their life, especially in today's climate, no consequences,

00:17:33.140 no responsibilities, no, no, uh, consequences for their actions. You might actually be the first one

00:17:41.660 who imposes some of that. What a lot of people will do is they'll talk a big game. They'll say,

00:17:47.120 Hey, Sean, if you're late, you know, we're, we're going to have a conversation. If you're

00:17:50.680 late twice, it's going to escalate. If you're late three times, you're fired and they won't

00:17:54.440 follow through on it. So that turns you into a perpetual tugboat. Sean, why are you late? Sean,

00:18:02.580 you're not, Oh, you don't care. Sean, what? And you're doing it. And now you're just being a

00:18:06.300 desperate. I don't even know what to say. Like it's, you're just being a tug. You're just pushing

00:18:11.140 a kid all over the place. Being a lighthouse doesn't mean that you can't serve and help an

00:18:16.620 individual, the way they should be served and help. But it's like, here we are. Here's the

00:18:21.280 rules. Just like a lighthouse, a lighthouse doesn't get down or doesn't change its position or it

00:18:25.920 doesn't maneuver itself. It just stands resolute on that rock. And it says, here we are. There's

00:18:33.100 the rocks. There's the shore. If you run into it, that's on you. I've shown you, I've highlighted it.

00:18:39.980 I will even call out to you. I'll get, there's a, there's an operator in the lighthouse. Hey,

00:18:45.460 you're getting dangerously close to this tide in this shore. Like you better back up. You better

00:18:50.480 back up. But at some point, if that ship runs into the rocks or into the shore, that's on them.

00:18:58.020 But the thing that you need to do as a lighthouse is explain what the danger is,

00:19:03.060 highlight the danger, and then illustrate and highlight appropriate behavior.

00:19:07.580 And then you have to stick to it because the shore doesn't change.

00:19:13.540 The rocks don't get out of the way for somebody, for a boat that's coming on a collision course.

00:19:19.580 Like that's not what happens. And that's not what should happen in your work as well,

00:19:24.500 or in personal relationships or other aspects of life. That's how a lighthouse operates.

00:19:30.180 I love that. I love how you used his analogy so perfectly. That was a masterful. And it, you know,

00:19:40.800 one thing I would add in that is that kind of set those boundaries, but use your own personal

00:19:50.120 experience in that explanation to him so that it's relatable. Um, is in, in being that lighthouse

00:19:57.700 house and say, Hey, you know, bro, I get it. You're a kid. You want to experience things.

00:20:03.440 You're going out, you're partying, you're having fun. Maybe that makes you late. And I don't know

00:20:07.300 what the exact circumstances, but I'm assuming that's part of it. Be like, dude, I was there too.

00:20:12.260 You know, but I can tell you, I lost this job and it's one of the best things that happened to me

00:20:16.400 because I liked that job and I didn't treat it with respect. And I ended up losing it because of dot,

00:20:21.160 dot, dot, you know, obviously don't make stuff up, but whatever experiences you've had

00:20:25.980 that you want him to learn from, maybe some of the things you messed up in, it's important to,

00:20:33.060 to include that in the conversation. Um, and then if he messes up, like Ryan said, then you,

00:20:39.460 you still, there's a consequence there, but at least you did your job in, in trying to relate,

00:20:45.120 help him understand, help him know you care, um, help him know you've experienced that. And, uh,

00:20:53.160 and that's helpful in having that conversation as well. Yeah, definitely. There is one thing I,

00:20:59.100 I hear here where you and I both said, you know, the BS, well, we don't really know what the BS is

00:21:05.380 and maybe Paul, you didn't share it just for brevity of your question. Certainly understand that,

00:21:09.300 but I want you to be clear on what the BS is. Don't just say it's BS, crystallize it because as soon

00:21:17.440 as you can crystallize it for yourself and for your employee, the more readily you can recognize

00:21:23.980 it when it's happening. And then you can put in place some guardrails to ensure that it doesn't.

00:21:29.380 But if you just say it's BS, oh, he has drama. Well, what does that mean? Oh, well, it's just

00:21:33.860 kind of a pain. Okay. What does that mean? I don't know. He just has a bad attitude. It's like, okay,

00:21:38.300 you know, at some point we got to quantify what in the world you're talking about so we can actually

00:21:43.320 do something about it. So one thing might be, he's got a bad attitude and here's how it manifests

00:21:51.220 itself and it slows production with our other employees. All right. Now we're talking about

00:21:56.580 something tangible or he's lazy. What does that mean? Well, he's not keeping up with his production

00:22:03.420 totals. Okay. All right, good. Now we have something that's measurable that we can actually

00:22:09.140 talk with him. Like you wouldn't go say, Hey, you know, you're being really lazy. He's like,

00:22:12.380 what do you mean? He's like, well, you just need to be better. He's not helping anybody.

00:22:16.440 It's like, no, Sean, you're supposed to create 20 units per hour. I'm just making stuff up.

00:22:23.140 And that's the average of what guys do here. And that's the expectation. And you're at about 60%

00:22:28.560 of that. Can you help me understand why? Is it training? Is it, you don't have the right tools?

00:22:34.920 Is it the information's not available to you? Are there some personal struggles that you have that we

00:22:40.460 can help you so you can boost up production? It's got like, it can't just be BS. It has to be

00:22:45.280 something tangible. That's only fair to you. And it's only fair to him as well.

00:22:50.080 Yeah. I like it.

00:22:51.120 Cool. What's next?

00:22:52.520 All right. Chase Ezell, what boundaries would you suggest a spouse should put in place after

00:23:00.380 infidelity?

00:23:02.200 Ooh, that's tough.

00:23:03.100 It's a, it's a short question to a deep answer.

00:23:06.280 It is. And you know, fortunately I've, I've never had to deal with this on my end or, or

00:23:10.740 my wife's end. Um, so I can't give you any personal experience. Um, I guess if I'm just

00:23:20.700 trying to envision myself in that position. And by the way, guys, I'm so sick of hearing

00:23:25.200 the thing where guys will say, if she cheats on you once she's a, she's a whore and she's

00:23:30.100 always going to cheat and you're a beta and you're a cuck. Like, I'm not going to say

00:23:34.260 any of that. You know, you, you have to make your decisions about whether or not you can

00:23:38.360 forgive. Uh, you have to make that decision about your own personal family and your own

00:23:43.240 personal family dynamics. I don't know anything about that. Cause I don't know you. So I'm

00:23:47.960 not going to jump to that conclusion, but I'm just trying to put myself in those shoes.

00:23:51.980 There's different scenarios too, Ryan, as you say that, like there's a difference between

00:23:55.680 like walking in and catching your spouse and your spouse coming to you and saying, Hey,

00:24:00.160 look, this has been happening for the last three months. I feel terrible. I don't want

00:24:04.720 that anymore. I cut it off with them. I love you. I want to make this work. You know, I

00:24:10.140 mean, so that's, that's a, there was a two or it happened, you know, one time versus

00:24:13.920 a relationship. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not, I'm not here to judge on that side

00:24:17.440 of things. Um, and I hope, you know, I never have to deal with that, but what I would

00:24:23.300 say is definitely open lines of communication would be huge. Um, no game playing. I would

00:24:31.860 say schedules and agendas are, would be huge for me. Like, Hey, you know, we're going to

00:24:38.720 be open with our schedule. Your calendar is going to be my calendar. My calendar is going

00:24:42.300 to be your calendar. Uh, I would definitely be open about devices. Like, Hey, you have access

00:24:48.800 to my devices, my computer, my phone. I have access to your computer, your phone, those

00:24:54.720 type of things I think would be a boundary that, that I would personally want to have

00:24:59.100 in place. Um, and I think just those commute, like, Hey, we're going to talk about things

00:25:06.260 on a weekly basis. You know, I'm not saying we're going to revisit this every week for

00:25:11.580 the rest of our lives, but we're going to talk about our relationship. Therapy might

00:25:15.620 be a boundary. Hey, you know what? Like we're both, we're going to marriage therapy. Like

00:25:19.700 I'm putting my foot down on that one. Like we're, we're doing this together and we're

00:25:23.640 going to do this every week and we're going to do it for a year and then we'll evaluate

00:25:26.720 for that. That would be something that I would want in place personally. I might think of a

00:25:30.760 few more. What would you add, Sean? I I'm kind of with you. I don't think I'd add, I don't

00:25:37.100 want to give you a list to use. I think you need to come up with the list for you that

00:25:43.380 helps you gain that trust. And so I think case to case, it, it depends on the individuals

00:25:48.400 and what makes them feel better. Um, you know, I, I, at that dinner I was talking about,

00:25:54.180 I was just at a guy was telling me how one of the people he's coaching, um, is going

00:25:58.920 through that right now. He'd had an affair. He was having an affair for six months. Um,

00:26:04.260 just broke it off because he realized, you know, the detriment that was what was going

00:26:09.040 to happen long-term to his family, told his wife, his wife forgave him and put in these

00:26:14.380 boundaries and guidelines. Um, and he had to be happy with those. I mean, he, he, whether

00:26:22.840 he liked some of them or not, if he wanted to make it work, he had to do it, you know,

00:26:29.780 as part of the nature of, of rules, right. Is because in, in that case that you're talking

00:26:35.960 about the husband who had the affair could say, no, I don't agree to that. And then she's

00:26:42.000 like, okay, well then it's off. And, but if you want this, these are the rules.

00:26:48.340 Yeah. This is what was going to make me feel that trust and love for you again and, and not

00:26:54.180 have me feel uncomfortable and awkward when, when we're, you know, if, whether it's intimacy

00:27:00.360 or whatever it is, that whatever they need to gain that again, I think is, is you need

00:27:06.960 to bend with and be okay with, I mean, it's, I get this concept. I had a friend come to me

00:27:14.300 where he was talking to some old girlfriend that he had in high school, you know, just saying

00:27:20.340 what's up. She reached out on Facebook and he said, what's up. And it wasn't,

00:27:24.720 it wasn't anything other than that. And his wife just happened to see the conversation.

00:27:29.140 His wife got like, who's this chick? And he's like, oh, this old girlfriend, you know, she

00:27:33.480 was just saying, Hey, and, and it's not like he was hiding the conversation. She freaked

00:27:38.140 out. And she's like, look, I don't want you. I don't want stuff like this to happen. I don't

00:27:43.200 want the, what ifs I want you to get off of Facebook. And he freaked out with me about

00:27:47.820 it. He's like, dude, what I'm not going to get off of Facebook for that. And I'm like, well,

00:27:52.200 wait, why not? You know, like, what are you doing on Facebook? That's valuable to you and

00:27:57.420 your family or your business? Are you marketing there? Are you doing it? No, it's just cool

00:28:01.280 to keep up with people. Well, what's more important that or your wife, you know, being

00:28:06.680 her trust. Well, I think there's, I think there's middle ground too. Right. So it might

00:28:10.920 be, okay, well, look, I'm not going to get off Facebook for whatever reason, but I'm

00:28:16.740 not going to communicate with exes or, you know, I'm not going to be on Facebook, you

00:28:22.340 know, at night or, or what, I don't know. I'm just making things up, you know?

00:28:26.840 Yeah. Well, that's, that's kind of where my conversation went. It's, I, it came down

00:28:31.920 to, you know, have the conversation with her and whatever makes her feel best, you

00:28:36.920 know, for you, at least even if it's temporary, you know, maybe that's where you

00:28:42.280 land. I think, let me make sure I understood the quick, who do you, who do you think had

00:28:46.880 the affair in this question? It's hard to tell. I mean, he says, he just says, what

00:28:50.700 would you suggest a spouse should put in place after infidelity? Oh, got it. Okay. So

00:28:55.360 we don't know. No idea. Here's one thing I would also suggest is again, I'm just, I'm

00:29:01.260 saying if, if, if my wife were to cheat on me and I decided that I wanted the relationship

00:29:08.400 to continue, one of the boundaries I would put in place is I would want to know her

00:29:13.400 plan to ensure this doesn't happen. I would want to know her plan for breaking it off in,

00:29:19.380 in every way, not just physically, emotionally, everything in every way. And I would want to

00:29:24.300 know her plan so that this doesn't happen again. Like you let me know what you've, what

00:29:31.300 plan you've created to ensure that you're faithful to me and our family. That, that would actually be

00:29:37.220 really important to me. Yeah. Well, with that, I'd also want to know what led up to it, like

00:29:42.020 how it got there. And there may be things that I did that helped it lead there. You know,

00:29:47.660 no one wants to, no one wants to hear that, but you in that process need to know what you need to

00:29:54.200 shore up to ensure that that doesn't happen again. Like what allowed her to be attracted to

00:30:00.700 somebody else, whether it was physically or emotionally or both, there's a short fall there

00:30:05.760 somewhere in your relationship that maybe you need to work on also. Yeah. I hate, I hate saying that

00:30:11.460 because well, I don't hate saying it. I just know people are going to interpret it. No one wants to

00:30:15.140 hear it. It's her, but how guys, what are you saying? Like, it's okay. And it's all your fault.

00:30:20.280 No, no. We're just saying that maybe there's some things you did or didn't do that exacerbated

00:30:28.280 the problems in your marriages. And she felt like she could get what she needed somewhere else.

00:30:32.220 Does that make it right? Of course not. That's not right. It's just, do you want resolution,

00:30:38.100 whether it's on this marriage or the next? Yeah. So evaluate ourselves too. I'm glad you said that.

00:30:43.500 Cool. What's next? All right. Zachary Baker, with the holidays quickly approaching,

00:30:48.220 what should realistic expectations be for spending time with family? What is a healthy amount of time

00:30:53.860 to give yourself to others? I should add in that things have been a bit rocky with one half of our

00:31:00.000 extended family. As of late, we have three young kids. Our priorities in the holidays are centered

00:31:04.660 around our Christian faith. And that aspect is not nearly as important to others who desire our time

00:31:10.320 and presence. Thanks in advance and really appreciate all your continued wisdom and advice.

00:31:16.640 So here's how I would answer that question. I can't tell you the amount. Like, I don't know what

00:31:21.860 the formula is. There's just so many variables. It's like asking me to solve A plus B plus C equals 37.

00:31:30.640 Okay. Well, there's too many variables to tell you what variable is what. I don't know. So I don't know

00:31:37.140 how much time. But I think what we can address rather than telling you what's the balance of it

00:31:42.760 is what types of things to take into consideration. And then that can help you come up with your own

00:31:49.380 formula or your own equation because you know it better than we do. So what I would suggest is,

00:31:55.240 okay, well, what are your priorities? And actually list those priorities. So God,

00:32:01.960 wife, children, other responsibilities. Maybe that's career. I don't know. Maybe extended family

00:32:10.660 falls before career. I don't know. But prioritize it. Career, parents, siblings, uncles, nieces.

00:32:18.180 Then we have sports and extracurricular activities, education. Start listing out these priorities.

00:32:25.920 That's number one. You have to know where things fall on the priority. Then I would ask,

00:32:31.140 what is the state of each of these priorities? So how is my relationship with God? If that's your

00:32:36.680 priority, you have to ask yourself, how is my relationship with God? Well, it's pretty good right

00:32:42.260 now. Check. Good. Awesome. Next. How's my relationship with my wife? Well, we're really

00:32:47.980 struggling because of X, Y, and Z. Okay. That's an area we need to prioritize. Where is that going to

00:32:55.220 come from? Well, my extended family, you know, they wanted us to visit and I don't know, that's

00:33:00.480 really stressful. That might even be the source of frustration with the problems in your wife. I don't

00:33:05.600 know the situation. All I'm saying is that you're going to have to recapture some time and energy from

00:33:09.920 somewhere else. But you can't do that unless you've started to prioritize and evaluate the

00:33:15.640 health of each of those priorities. And then as you do that, it's not an exact science, but as you

00:33:21.800 do that and you start reshifting and moving your energy and your time and your resources to the

00:33:28.460 priorities, some things are going to get pushed on the back burner, but if they're low on the priority

00:33:33.140 scale, that's okay. And then you might realize that the way you did it wasn't exactly right. And so you

00:33:38.160 just pivot, Hey, you know what? I gave too much time, or I took too much time from my kids and gave

00:33:42.760 to my wife, or I took too much time for extracurricular activities. And therefore I neglected my wife or

00:33:48.800 whatever your situation is. And so you're constantly evaluating this. It's dynamic. We've used this

00:33:55.840 analogy before, where if you're trying to balance on a surfboard, you're going to get up on the wave.

00:34:02.260 And it's not this perfect position that you find where your balance is distributed in just the right

00:34:09.260 formula, left to right, front to back. It's constantly moving based on the externalities

00:34:14.600 that you're dealing with. The downward pressure of the force of going down. So gravity, the wave,

00:34:20.860 the tide, the this, the that, everything. And you make your micro adjustments as necessary. And that's

00:34:25.300 the same thing you do here. So I know it's not like, Hey, 50% here, 20% here, but hopefully it's

00:34:30.020 some considerations that will help you make better decisions on this front.

00:34:34.840 Yeah, it's, I think you nailed it. I've had personal experience with this because when

00:34:42.160 I got married, we started having kids, we started going to church and we, our values started

00:34:49.040 significantly changing in what we accepted ourselves and our, and our children to be exposed to.

00:34:56.460 As far as, you know, I'm a firm believer that if you want to improve, you have to control your

00:35:03.120 surroundings. And osmosis is a real thing for, you know, what you pick up and who you are and who

00:35:11.000 you can become. And so if you want to be around better thinkers, I mean, if you want to be a better

00:35:16.920 thinking person, you have to be around better thinkers. And, you know, sometimes the worst thinkers

00:35:21.100 that we have are in our families. And so not that you don't love them still, but it doesn't mean you

00:35:26.340 have to be around them a lot of the time. And so sometimes you have to make the choice to not be

00:35:31.600 around them. And that may include holidays and things like that. I mean, I don't know what their

00:35:36.160 circumstances for you, but for me, like no one in my family's terrible people, but they're, I mean,

00:35:44.560 they're negative in their thinking and they're speaking in their, the way they show up. They're

00:35:53.620 inappropriate most of the time. I mean, and it's something that I don't want my kids exposed to

00:35:58.660 often. You know, I'm not going to say never, they're not that bad, but it's not a regular thing.

00:36:05.060 I want them to be exposed to. I want enough so I can like kind of use those examples and what not to

00:36:10.600 do sometimes. I think there's value in that, but you know, like Ryan said, there's no exact number,

00:36:16.660 but I can tell you for me personally, we chose to not be at more weddings and birthdays and even

00:36:23.300 thanksgivings. And, you know, some of those events that the, that the overall family expected us to be

00:36:29.740 at because I used to never miss any of them. Um, that became less and less. And, and we got some

00:36:35.400 pushback a little bit from some people like, Oh, you're too good. Oh, you can't do this. And

00:36:40.100 whatever. And I just had to deal with it honestly. Um, because I mean, my wife and my kids

00:36:47.260 and our family unit that we're building and how I wanted that to look and be and feel

00:36:54.980 was way more important than anything they could say. Cause at the end of the day, like if things

00:37:00.740 got really bad for us, I know my cousins and my aunts and uncles aren't going to step in and help our

00:37:06.660 family if they really needed it. And so if I know that's the case, then there's, I don't need to be

00:37:12.380 around them. You know? I mean, it sucks to say, and some people might send pushback and think like

00:37:18.200 you're a dick for doing that and saying that, but bottom line, no one's more important than my wife

00:37:23.300 and kids. And so honestly, it doesn't matter. Well, Sean, I would even say that what, what you

00:37:28.820 just said is part of the problem. And I'm, and I'm not putting it on, on you by any means. Cause

00:37:33.600 you followed it up with, Hey, it doesn't matter. Here's my wife and kids. I don't think we need to

00:37:37.960 justify why we do or don't spend time with people. No, you know, it's like, you're like, Oh, well,

00:37:43.400 you know, it sucks. No, it doesn't suck. Like it's the mantle of leadership. Like not everybody's

00:37:50.880 going to be happy. How many times do we do and say things that we don't want to do, that we don't want

00:37:56.300 to say that the relationships that we don't want to have conversations that we aren't interested in

00:38:01.100 because we're so worried about how the other party might interpret it and how, you know,

00:38:05.600 they may feel a bit. That's not your responsibility. It's not my responsibility to, to babysit the

00:38:11.600 feelings of people that aren't like in this with me. It's my responsibility to ensure that my wife and

00:38:20.680 my children and my business and my relationship with God, all the things that I prioritize,

00:38:26.120 personally are shored up and I'm a human, which means that there's only a finite amount of

00:38:33.780 resources that I have. I am not omnipotent, right? Like I, I only have these resources and I can't

00:38:41.180 feel bad or can't babysit your feelings because I've chosen to put my priorities somewhere else.

00:38:47.600 And I think we do have to get away from this tiptoe dance around, you know, well, how are they

00:38:53.460 going to feel? I don't know. And it's not my responsibility. They're mature adults. They need

00:38:58.560 to worry about that because they have priorities too. And you know what they would do? Drop your

00:39:03.120 ass if they needed to, to make sure their priorities were met. And I would not fault them for that. I

00:39:09.620 would not, but know that they would do the same thing. Absolutely. Absolutely.

00:39:14.520 All right. Charles Robinson. Now we're going into the IC questions. That's all we got from Facebook.

00:39:22.620 Yeah. Not very many. Crazy.

00:39:24.180 Which is the first time, right? Usually there's tons.

00:39:26.720 Yeah, there's a lot. Usually in Facebook.

00:39:28.420 So Charles Robinson. I know Sean is an avid bow hunter and obviously Ryan too. I live here in New York.

00:39:36.520 There's a couple of archery places that I could get some skills, but I'd be grateful to find out his

00:39:42.060 journey into his love for the sport and recommendations on how a city boy like me

00:39:46.380 can eventually be proficient enough to go out and hunt.

00:39:51.380 It's a good question. What do you, what do you have for him? Apparently I'm not an archer or

00:39:55.820 anything. I know that's what I thought with the question too. And then we're right around the same

00:40:00.180 amount of time, right? As far as how long we've been, maybe a little over for me. I'm about the same.

00:40:06.520 Yeah. Um, but I did grow up in the city. Um, I mean, really in the city where like all you hear

00:40:12.840 is helicopters all day, all night. And so to go from that and never grew up hunting. And when I

00:40:19.860 started, my wife actually was kind of taken back by it a little bit. Cause she's like, what do you

00:40:27.100 mean you're going to hunt? Like you won't even kill spiders. So it's a couple of things.

00:40:36.300 One I was recommended by my friend. I was really lucky. I'll say this. Like I have been able to

00:40:45.280 start my, my entry into hunting. I had, I had mentors that are world-class bow hunters. Um,

00:40:55.820 you know, like my friend, Justin, you know, as we were talking about at the beginning of this,

00:41:00.020 um, my friend Shane, you know, Shane is, is what you've had on the podcast. Like he's

00:41:05.820 yeah, for sure. And, and he, um, he had the same kind of journey I did, you know, where he never

00:41:13.580 thought in a million years he'd ever be into hunting. Um, so having that kind of a help and

00:41:20.500 then they recommended Shane recommended to me, um, John Dudley, um, his school of knock and,

00:41:27.920 and I mean, basically I was kind of quote unquote self-taught with the school of knock

00:41:33.940 being able to call, uh, Shane and, and Justin and ask them questions, ask them advice, ask them

00:41:41.940 their thoughts on different things. Um, and then honestly, I went to my, my local archery shop was

00:41:49.080 really helpful in just helping me understand my equipment. Um, but as far as hunting and things

00:41:55.740 like that, they weren't as helpful for me and every shop is different. The shop here in Tennessee is way

00:42:01.220 better than the one that I had in, in California. Um, and these guys are great and they give lots of

00:42:07.140 great advice. Um, so I think it's different shop to shop and then it's different with, um, who, you

00:42:13.700 know, is a big deal, you know, so find some archers and, and by the way, archery hunting is way

00:42:20.120 different than rifle hunting. And so like for me, I, at this point in my life, don't shoot things with

00:42:26.800 a rifle. I'm strictly at, uh, an archery hunter, but I go rifle hunting with my boys. So both of them

00:42:35.520 are at this point, rifle hunters, you know, and, and they're not sure if they want to be bow hunters

00:42:40.900 or not. And so, um, you know, but for myself, I'm not, they're two different animals. And so I'm,

00:42:49.720 I got super passionate in, and through myself in the world of bow hunting, started listening to

00:42:56.720 different podcasts. You know, if, if I pulled up the podcast that I listened to, um, gosh,

00:43:03.960 they've changed a bunch, but let me pull it up here. Um, and I got a lot of good one. It's one

00:43:12.660 of them. It used to be cutting the distance. That's not what it's called now. What does he call

00:43:16.740 it? Meat eater was one elk shapes, a big one. Um, they're, they're, uh, big bow hunters. Um,

00:43:24.340 blood origins was great just to understand the kind of the efficacy, like the, the ethical side of

00:43:32.040 hunting. Um, you know, the sustainable side of it. Live wild is a great one with Remy Warren.

00:43:38.640 Um, that's been a big one cause he's constantly giving tips and those sorts of things. Um,

00:43:44.780 and then knock on archery, the knock on podcast with Dudley. Um, I literally just started listening

00:43:50.660 to that kind of stuff every day. Um, and just throwing myself in the world of it and then

00:43:58.380 shooting every day. Um, I made it a point to shoot. I mean, even if it was only six arrows,

00:44:05.400 but to every single day, start shooting, um, that became a habit, you know, and, and I've,

00:44:13.160 I've done that for years, you know, up until recently I tore my labrum and this is the first

00:44:20.040 time I haven't shot my bow consistently. And, you know, probably like five years, four or five years.

00:44:26.820 Yeah. So that was my journey. Those are all the things I did.

00:44:31.440 Yeah. I mean, you gave a lot of resources and I actually use a lot of the same resources and

00:44:35.460 I'm fortunate in that I'm connected to people. Colin Cottrell took me on my first hunt. Guess

00:44:40.120 what? Colin's in the iron council. Greg Ray took me on a pig hunt with my oldest son to Texas last

00:44:46.540 year. We're doing another one in March for iron council members. Guess what? He's in the iron

00:44:50.560 council. I'm going to be a little bit more harsh on this question. And, and it's not like personal,

00:44:55.200 but here's what I'd say. We got to get over this thing of like, I don't know how to do it. I was

00:45:01.020 born in the city. I don't know. What do I do? Like, I mean, come on, like you've got a, you could,

00:45:08.780 you've got a phone, you can put it in podcasting, how to hunt. You can jump on YouTube and say how to

00:45:14.300 get into archery. You know, it'd come up. You said it, John Dudley. In fact, John's a friend of

00:45:18.880 mine. Like I sent him a, I was in, um, speaking of archery hunting last week in Minnesota, shot a

00:45:24.360 couple of does down there and missed my buck. Unfortunately, I sent him pictures. I'm like,

00:45:27.740 Hey man, thanks for your input. Like here's, and he's like, Oh, that's awesome. Way to go.

00:45:31.460 Uh, the resources are all there. There's a hunting channel in the iron council. Like, are you in that?

00:45:37.700 Are you asking questions? You can Google your local archery store. Where's the closest one? It's

00:45:44.300 probably 10 to 15 miles from you. And you go in there. Hey guys, I'm thinking about doing this.

00:45:48.120 Like, what are the pros cons? What do I do? Or you could jump on Facebook or Instagram and say,

00:45:54.380 Hey guys, I'd like to go on a hunt. I don't really know where to hunt. Is anybody going on an archery

00:45:58.120 hunt this year? Cool. Can I tag along? They'll let you tag along. Like just get in it and let's get

00:46:04.840 away from the, I don't know what to do. Yes, you do. And you're doing it now to your, to your credit.

00:46:11.120 You are doing it now. Cause you're asking, but like, let's utilize all the resources and they're all free.

00:46:16.420 Let's utilize all the resources. And you could say the same thing about jujitsu. That's a question

00:46:21.160 I get, right. I don't know about jujitsu. I don't know how to start. Really? You don't know how to

00:46:26.680 type jujitsu and jujitsu near me. And it's going to give you 10 different options. You don't know

00:46:33.360 how to do that. Wait, I think what really people are saying a lot of the times is I'm uncomfortable

00:46:41.120 with it. And I'm hoping you could give me a really easy way to do this where I'm not going

00:46:45.740 to feel uncomfortable. And guess what? It doesn't exist. It's going to be awkward. The first hunts

00:46:52.180 you go, go on are going to feel weird. You're going to miss shots, not only as a novice, but as a,

00:46:58.100 as an expert, you're going to miss shots. Uh, things aren't always going to go your way. If you go to,

00:47:02.820 you're just going to feel uncomfortable. Like you might not even like shooting an animal.

00:47:07.540 Like you don't even know that yet. Right. That, that might be something, but maybe I think you

00:47:12.660 will too, but I mean, some guys don't. Right. I mean, I didn't have that. That's hard to fathom.

00:47:16.880 But yeah, but, but you're, you're not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm just saying it's like,

00:47:22.040 it's all out there guys and fill in archery with a blank space. Cause I get messages every day. I

00:47:29.140 don't know how to do jujitsu. I don't know how to hunt. I don't know how to start a podcast. I don't,

00:47:33.560 I don't know how to talk to my wife. I don't know how to like, okay. I look, I don't either.

00:47:39.740 You've got skateboards behind. I don't know how to skateboard. Go to the, buy one off of Amazon

00:47:44.640 and go on YouTube and watch a few videos and then go out and write it around a little bit.

00:47:50.860 That's how you do it. And I think hunting is very much the same way. It's a little bit more

00:47:55.160 challenging because there's obviously restrictions on where to go, but I would say, use your search

00:48:00.560 engines. If I was like, I'm going to give you a formula here, use your search engines. That's

00:48:05.800 Google that's podcast and that's YouTube. Um, and use your network. So that could be Facebook.

00:48:14.160 That could be Instagram. That could be your church. That could be your community. That could be the

00:48:17.960 guys you go to the gym with. That could be the iron council and let them know what you're interested

00:48:22.360 in. You got to put it out into the world. This is what I want to do. Can anybody help me with this

00:48:27.940 and then take action, use search engines, use your network, take action.

00:48:35.480 It's I had one thought when you were saying that is that it, depending on how passionate you are,

00:48:41.460 if you do want the curve to be faster. And if you want to, like for me, I'd like to be a

00:48:48.100 world-class bow hunter. I want to be super proficient and I want to do it well. Cause I think

00:48:52.160 the experience would be better for me that way. Well, that being the case, I had to find guys who

00:48:58.340 thought that same way to go with because, you know, you just, so it's important that the people

00:49:04.100 you're listening to and that you are around that, if you want, if you're super passionate about it,

00:49:09.540 they have to be that too. Otherwise you're going to either learn the wrong ways or you're not going

00:49:15.800 to learn, um, for lack of a better term, good enough for you. And it might actually be discouraging.

00:49:23.840 And so that's why I think it's important. Like if you want to do only bow hunting, like don't just

00:49:28.880 go out with guys who rifle hunt because it's a, it's a different deal. They don't have to be as

00:49:33.220 quiet. They're not as sneaky about they're not, you know, maybe they don't even have to be in as

00:49:37.500 good a shape. I mean, there's just different things that come with it here. And so the more

00:49:42.980 passionate that the people you can get involved with are about it, the faster your curve is going

00:49:49.380 to be. I like it. The only other thing I wrote down on here, Sean, was check out total archery

00:49:55.340 challenge. And there's a lot of events like total archery challenge, but speaking about being around

00:49:59.820 the right crew, go to your bow shop, get yourself a starter bow, get yourself some arrows and sign up

00:50:06.560 for a total archery challenge. And, and I'm not going to explain all of what it is. You guys can

00:50:10.740 go find it. Just find it. Go to one of those. You're going to, and if you go by yourself,

00:50:14.920 go by yourself, who cares? Okay. You're going to get paired up with a group and you're going to

00:50:19.520 talk to these guys and learn from them. And who knows, maybe you'll go on a hunt with them at some

00:50:24.000 point. Just go put yourself out there. But total archery challenge is a great resource for that as

00:50:28.220 well. Yeah. Great advice, man. You'll meet tons of people that are passionate about it there.

00:50:32.620 Absolutely. And that goes for anything, any community that you want to be part of or any

00:50:38.940 activity. They have things like total archery challenge for that community. So go, go to those

00:50:44.140 things. All right. Here's what we're going to do, Sean, or what we have to do. About five or 10 more

00:50:48.740 minutes. So let's do a little bit of a rapid fire to try to answer as many as we can. Cause I know

00:50:53.780 there was some good questions in there and I want to get to as many as we can.

00:50:56.180 There is some of them are long. So let's go. First one, Craig Keel. I'm just starting out and I see

00:51:02.740 and my vision is very much family-based. As of Sunday, my girlfriend of four years told me that

00:51:08.940 she just doesn't feel the same for me as I do her and that she doesn't think we have a future and we

00:51:14.960 broke up. In this scenario, does this show me to have written a vision and objectives that are based

00:51:20.300 too much around others rather than myself? Or should I still chase my family-based visions

00:51:25.620 as that's important to me? Also, how can I best utilize the IC to help me through this drastic

00:51:35.420 life change? Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, I'm sorry to hear that first of all, cause that's hard.

00:51:42.240 Like that sucks. Okay. And that's part of the reason that Aaron counsel is so great is because

00:51:47.080 I guarantee half of the guys in there, all of the guys have gone through a breakup.

00:51:50.960 Half of the guys in there have probably gone through a serious separation and or divorce.

00:51:54.860 Like you're in the right place. So know that, okay. You're in the right place. In fact,

00:51:58.980 a lot of guys join the iron council at the low part of their life during a divorce.

00:52:05.080 So know that you're in the right place. Okay. Now with regards to your vision,

00:52:09.860 it's an interesting question actually. And one, I really haven't spent a lot of time thinking about,

00:52:14.560 but as you were saying that in my immediate responses, our vision should not be focused on

00:52:21.660 externals, meaning that it can't be focused on, I'm trying to just flesh this out in my mind. So

00:52:31.200 bear with me. It can't be focused on something that is so fickle as an external factor.

00:52:36.500 And it should be focused more on the things that are within your control.

00:52:40.080 So I think family goals and vision, Hey, I want to be a family man. I think that's important,

00:52:46.100 but more important is the way that you're going to show up.

00:52:51.340 Like how a family man actually shows up. So when you see yourself in the future,

00:52:55.760 and I'm not saying don't make it about family or don't make it about running a big business or

00:53:01.000 that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying quantify the type of man that would be in the position to

00:53:07.960 have a beautiful family like that. Start to envision the kind of man who would run an

00:53:14.820 organization that you potentially want to run. So again, yeah, those externalities are fine,

00:53:21.840 but also make sure that a big component of your vision is the way that you see yourself

00:53:27.860 in the future. So what elements go into being a family man? Well, sacrifice, commitment,

00:53:35.020 the ability to communicate effectively, emotional maturity, financial stability,

00:53:41.880 being able to articulate a vision, to be able to lead effectively. Those are all things that you

00:53:48.080 have 100% control over and they will inevitably yield a family. It will inevitably yield some sort

00:53:56.600 of business that you potentially want to grow. It will inevitably yield the type of body that you

00:54:01.240 want to have. I hope that makes sense because I'm just kind of thinking about it in my own mind as

00:54:05.700 you're saying it here. It's a good question and I think I'm on the right track. That's what I would

00:54:11.880 suggest. It sounded perfect to me. It's exactly what I was going to say. And if you aren't thinking

00:54:18.740 about the relationship now, but you know what you want and you start moving towards becoming the man

00:54:25.100 that's going to attract that and have that, it'll show up at the right time. And so I wouldn't get

00:54:30.660 too enveloped in whether or not you have a relationship now, but knowing what you want

00:54:37.600 is super important because then you're more likely to find the woman that's going to align with that

00:54:43.960 along the way somewhere. And I would have spent some time evaluating what you could have done

00:54:49.620 differently or where the relationship began to break down. I don't know that I would cling on

00:54:57.040 her for that information because then it comes across as whiny and desperate and needy and you

00:55:01.960 don't want to do that for sure. But I would spend a lot of time evaluating what could you have done

00:55:07.140 differently to maintain the attraction? And that might give you a little bit of a path moving forward

00:55:13.220 as well. Because look, things change, right? Things change all the time. And so your vision

00:55:16.880 changes. You know, my vision is based on what I know today. What I know about my life today is

00:55:23.420 it's like the headlights. It's what I can see. Tomorrow as I'm driving down the road, I might see

00:55:29.040 something, a deer might jump out in front of me. Okay. Well, I can't just keep doing the same thing.

00:55:35.100 My vision's changed, right? It's more short term, definitely. Because now the deer is in my way and

00:55:39.960 I'm going to hit it. And I got to move. I got to break. I got to whatever. I got to make a change.

00:55:45.160 But my vision is based on what I know about my life today. Tomorrow, I don't know that yet.

00:55:51.400 We'll figure it out when it comes. I like it. All right. Kevin Bovey.

00:55:57.360 What is a good way to confront your competition in a challenge when you notice competing outside

00:56:02.040 of integrity? Oh, be the best. I mean, just stay with an integrity and just be the best. You said

00:56:09.860 confront, I guess you're competing maybe for a line of business or something. It sounds like.

00:56:15.480 Yeah. I don't know if it's that, or it may be a physical competition, but he says like,

00:56:19.640 how do you confront them when you notice that they're competing outside of integrity?

00:56:24.480 I'll give you an example. I'll give you an example of this. I had this guy,

00:56:28.980 Chad, I think his name was, and I don't even remember his last name, but he was a financial advisor

00:56:34.340 in the office building that I was in, two different financial companies. So we were

00:56:40.620 working with, we were competitors by all definition. And one of his clients came in and they were

00:56:47.200 unsatisfied with his services. And we began to form a relationship and it was going really well.

00:56:55.080 And they liked what we had to offer. And in the insurance business, you're supposed to

00:57:01.920 tell somebody when you're going to replace a life insurance policy.

00:57:07.560 It's required. Yeah.

00:57:08.980 It's required. Initially, what we were going to do was not replace the insurance policy. We were

00:57:15.220 just going to get them a new insurance policy on top of what they already had. And so I checked the

00:57:23.680 box that they already had life insurance in place. This has been a while. So I'm just trying

00:57:27.420 to remember from memory here, but I checked the box that said they already have life insurance in

00:57:31.300 place. And this policy that we're applying for is not going to replace their other policy

00:57:37.440 because that was true. So, because we're just going to add a new policy, there's no point to

00:57:43.700 replacing something that's already in place. If it's a good policy, they're older now, there's

00:57:48.640 other reasons why. Okay. So we weren't going to replace that one. Well, it came back,

00:57:52.120 we get the rates back and it came back and it actually made sense to do the whole insurance

00:57:59.300 policy and actually replace that first one. Like we looked at the numbers, it made sense

00:58:05.360 to do it that way. Although that wasn't the original plan. So that's what we went ahead

00:58:09.380 and did. So we went ahead and did it. Well, Chad was upset about that. And I think right,

00:58:16.960 like looking back on it now, I think rightfully so. He was upset about that. And you know what?

00:58:21.400 I have so much respect for this man. He called me up and he said, Hey, because he knew that his

00:58:28.240 policy was getting in place. He called me up, excuse me. He wasn't a jerk about it, but he was

00:58:33.900 firm and he was like noticeably upset about what happened. And he called me out on it. And he's like,

00:58:40.500 this is not best practices. This is not good behavior. This is not how we do it. I know we're

00:58:44.400 competitors, but this is not how we treat each other. There's a standard that we have and that

00:58:49.580 we should all adhere to. I know we're competing for business, but we're all part of this community,

00:58:56.340 if you will. And there's a standard that should be exercised here. And I said, you know, you're

00:59:02.780 right. And he was a hundred percent right. Was I unethical? Yeah. I think I snugged right up to that

00:59:09.400 line. And he called me on it, but he was very respectful. And I mean, what else can I say? I

00:59:18.100 thought it was amazing. Now it could have gone the other way. Like he could have been a complete

00:59:21.740 jerk about it and he could have reported it if he wanted to. There's other things he could have done,

00:59:26.160 but he just called me out and he said, this is how we're going to do this. And I had a whole lot

00:59:31.040 of respect for him because he did. So if you feel the need to tell that individual, then do it in a

00:59:37.700 respectful way. Run your business. Like you're going to continue to run it, be the best, call

00:59:42.920 him out personally. I wouldn't call people out publicly because then you're just splashing around

00:59:48.080 in the mud with them. That's never a good look. And just let the chips fall where they may. That guy

00:59:54.520 will either say, Hey, you're right. Like I did. Or he'll say, Oh no, F you. Like I'm doing it. And

01:00:00.080 okay, well, you've said your piece now go compete the best way. You know, how

01:00:03.980 that's hope that applies. It absolutely does. I'm glad you took that angle. I would say from

01:00:12.260 the other angle where I've been the guy calling people out. I mean, who knows probably at this

01:00:17.280 point, 23 years deep over a hundred times probably. Um, but I can tell you when I've done it, I call,

01:00:24.020 let them know what's going on. You know, what was your thought process? I honestly want to hear their

01:00:29.660 thought process and why they did it. And I'll tell you most of the time they think it's justified

01:00:34.900 or okay or whatever else. And, um, and then sometimes they kind of know they did it and

01:00:41.000 thought maybe they could get away with it. Um, but either way, I want them to know where I stand,

01:00:45.560 my feelings on it. Um, and then what are you going to do about it moving forward? And most of the time

01:00:53.020 they're like, okay, we're going to, sorry, we're not going to do it this way. And some of the times

01:00:56.840 they're like, well, deal with it. Screw you. Right. And, uh, and I can tell you at the end

01:01:02.180 of the night, I'm like, all right, well, I did my job. I've been doing this 23 years, you know,

01:01:07.020 and, and whatever, if I could have been doing it five years, but my goal was to be doing it for 50.

01:01:12.920 And so as long as I know that I'm in integrity, I can be assured that I'm going to be here 50 years

01:01:18.940 from now. And, and for them, like, honestly, I'm at the point now after doing it so many times,

01:01:26.340 I just let them know my experience and people I see doing it their way don't last and let them

01:01:32.460 know, like, dude, you're just increasing your chances of not being here five years, 10 years,

01:01:37.380 20 years from now. And, uh, you know, if you're fine with that, then, Hey, all I can do is all I can

01:01:43.820 do. And then I move on and I don't think too much about it. And I, I focus on what I can control.

01:01:49.160 Yep. All right, brother, let's take one more and then wrap this thing up for today.

01:01:53.120 All right. Joshua Fryer, have you ever taken the Clifton strength,

01:01:58.420 formerly strengths finder assessment? And if so, would you be willing to share your top five results

01:02:03.280 more broadly, which, uh, is probably going to be where we land. What is your position on self

01:02:10.420 awareness assessments like this? What value have you extracted from them? And how did you make it

01:02:15.660 real and enduring rather than just an interesting blip on the radar of life? So do you know what the

01:02:22.440 Clifton strength thing is? I've not done that. Yeah. I've not done that. Um, I don't, I've never heard

01:02:27.220 of that one. Um, and I have not done formally any other assessment ever. I know about them. I hear

01:02:35.860 about them. I I've seen a little bit about them and I know what my strengths and weaknesses are to

01:02:41.080 a degree, but I've never gone, gone through that. Cause I, I, I tend to be more of an intuitive person.

01:02:48.560 That's my personality. So I don't want to take a test. I just feel like I know what my strengths

01:02:56.920 and weaknesses are. And so I play to my strengths and I acknowledge my strengths and I do, I acknowledge

01:03:03.800 what I'm really good at. We should do that more. A lot of times we just hear about, well, where are

01:03:09.120 you weak? Where do you need to shore up? And that's good too. I do that as well, but you should

01:03:12.460 also acknowledge your strengths. We should do that more. And people are like, Oh, well, you know,

01:03:15.520 I want to be humble. I'm not saying brag about all your strengths. I'm not saying go boast about it

01:03:20.700 on social media and tell everybody how wonderful you are. I'm just saying acknowledge where you're good

01:03:24.300 so you can keep doing that. That's a healthy practice. So yeah, I've never really put much stock in

01:03:30.700 those tests. And some people listen to this like, Oh, it's so valuable because X, Y, and Z. And

01:03:35.240 that's cool. I think if that's your thing, that's cool. I don't, what do you think?

01:03:39.600 I love them. We use one in our business. We've used a couple through the years and we use one

01:03:44.160 called PCM and it's basically like profiling. It's figuring out people's personality types and

01:03:52.120 whether you want to call it strengths or whatever, you just, it shows their strengths and their

01:03:56.900 tendencies. And so for me, that's valuable. Number one, to know my own, like that's kind of step one

01:04:02.400 and how it doesn't just become a blip is that if you decide to use it, not just for yourself,

01:04:07.780 but for the people that are around you. And so like, I've used it in personal relationships and

01:04:13.040 in business relationships and all of the like leaders in my organization have gone through it.

01:04:19.160 And now I understand them. So I also know and understand how to deal with them, how to talk to

01:04:24.820 them, what juices them, right? What, what their hot buttons are based on those personalities,

01:04:31.620 based on those things. And it's extremely useful. Um, so that's how we've made it more than just a

01:04:38.060 blip. Now I could have taken it and been like, Oh, cool. That's good to understand that about me.

01:04:42.980 That's what I would have done. Yeah. Which is, is most people for me, actually, my wife started,

01:04:47.660 she did it. She went through the course and she's like, Whoa, this is insane. We need to do this

01:04:50.840 with our kids. And I need to have Sean here so that we can get better in our communication and

01:04:56.160 understanding each other. And then we did it together. And then we started incorporating it

01:05:01.520 with our kids. Cause it was actually a thing at our daughter's school. And then we said, man,

01:05:06.360 this has been so effective in our family. We'd be remiss if we didn't bring this into our business and

01:05:11.740 start doing it with all our leaders, especially the couples that are, are working together.

01:05:16.180 And now it grew, grew into a normal practice, um, in our business. That's been extremely valued to

01:05:23.420 the point where I literally couldn't imagine not having it in our business because the value that

01:05:27.640 has brought. And so, um, that's how you make it. Not just a blip is, you know, finding ways to

01:05:33.920 incorporate it in other things. Um, you know, other than that, if you're just taking it for what

01:05:40.860 told you about yourself, I'd say, listen, and then act accordingly. And, and like you said,

01:05:47.200 focus on your strengths, not on your weaknesses is more value than trying to get good at stuff that

01:05:53.080 you're never going to be really good at. I mean, you're never going to be great at it, but so why

01:05:59.680 try and be just okay or, or maybe proficient where if you focus on your strengths, you could be world

01:06:07.800 class at something and then find other people that are good at those things or not to surround

01:06:12.820 yourself with. That's what I think. Cause I, there's things in my business where I'm like,

01:06:16.880 Oh, I hate this. Well, maybe if I focus on my weaknesses, no, I'm always going to hate it.

01:06:21.540 Why would I do that to myself? Which is what most people do, right? That's their mistake.

01:06:24.900 So it actually makes you more efficient because you're going to start looking for people to your

01:06:28.600 point who are good at that. The other thing that is nice about that is you're giving other people

01:06:34.200 opportunities to step into their excellence. And I think that's really valuable. Like I actually,

01:06:38.660 I pride myself on finding good people and putting them in positions because it feels good to create

01:06:45.440 opportunities for people. And if I hoard onto all these weaknesses of mine, cause I think, well,

01:06:50.840 I have to shore them up and I'm supposed to do this. Then what opportunity have I robbed for somebody

01:06:55.940 who actually might really like the small minute details of the business or the logistical planning

01:07:02.040 that's required to do what we do. Just give it to somebody else. They're going to do an awesome job

01:07:07.580 and you're giving them the opportunity to do it. What a cool thing. Yeah. All right, brother. Awesome.

01:07:14.320 Let's take it home guys. Great questions today. I know we probably still have maybe five or seven or

01:07:19.240 10, I don't know, questions that we'll make sure we hit on next week. So again, I think we talked about,

01:07:25.660 I know we talked about the iron council. So order a man.com slash iron council.

01:07:29.680 Um, we talked about origin. They're a partner, friend, and sponsor of us. So if you want to look

01:07:35.600 at their hunt gear, uh, Sean has their hoodie on. It looks like they're, they're new, uh, raptor camo.

01:07:40.440 Uh, you can go to originusa.com and use the code order O R D E R at checkout. And the last thing I'd

01:07:47.300 recommend is our 30 day to battle ready program. That's a, that's a free program. It's a 17 emails

01:07:54.000 that you're going to get over that 30 day window. And it's very systematic. We, we have a very precise

01:07:59.760 reason. We send you the emails when we do and what order they come in. Uh, and it's really going to

01:08:04.280 help you with the vision. The gentleman was asking about earlier and then working back, not only from

01:08:08.780 the vision, but into those small actionable steps that you can take on a daily basis. So some of the

01:08:14.340 questions that we answered today will be covered through the 30 days to battle ready program.

01:08:19.060 And that is at order of man.com slash battle ready. All right, guys. Anything else, Sean?

01:08:26.700 Yeah. The masculinity manifesto. Go get it, man. And, uh, my publisher sent me these CDs. I'm like,

01:08:38.080 what, what do I, what are these? What do I, what do I do with these?

01:08:42.540 That eight track. Yeah. You need to come out with a record soon.

01:08:46.460 But I appreciate, I have five of these, maybe I'll give them to people. I don't know what they

01:08:51.600 do with them, but I don't know. Hey, I will say the masculinity manifesto. I'm,

01:08:55.540 I'm actually recommending it to the important men in my life. Um, as much as I recommended sovereignty

01:09:02.180 and I'm, I'm telling people, it's kind of like what I, when people ask me about financial things,

01:09:08.540 I always recommend rich dad, poor dad. And actually more importantly, if they're, if they're

01:09:12.740 thinking about getting into business, I recommend the second book cashflow quadrant is kind of like

01:09:17.680 the one, two, like, bam, that's going to give you most of what you need. I think if you're trying

01:09:22.800 to be the best version of yourself as a man, that's get sovereignty and the masculinity manifesto,

01:09:28.460 man, you nailed it. Yeah. You did.

01:09:29.940 I appreciate it. Awesome. All right, guys, there's your marching order. Sean, appreciate you, man.

01:09:34.320 And, uh, guys, we'll be back on Friday until then go out there, take action and become the man you

01:09:40.260 are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge

01:09:45.280 of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of

01:09:50.400 man.com.

Order of Man - November 09, 2022

Big Vision and Small Actions, Boundaries for Infidelity, and Being a Lighthouse Versus a Tugboat ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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