Order of Man - BRADLEY RICHARDSON ｜ Becoming a Secure, Confident Man

00:00:00.000 With the thousands of men I've talked with over the years, it's evident that building and developing

00:00:05.620 confidence is a huge issue for so many men. And yet so many men still struggle with the mindsets

00:00:13.120 and activities required to build that level of confidence in themselves. Many of them believe

00:00:18.500 you're either born with it or you won't ever develop it. And that just isn't true. And my

00:00:23.420 guest today, Bradley Richardson is here to talk about why that is and what to do about it. Today,

00:00:29.040 we talk about why men hang on to unimportant, irrelevant issues for way too long, how to deal

00:00:35.640 and cope with a loss of control, knowing what you want in life and never settling for anything

00:00:41.200 worse, why many men settle for broken women, avoiding becoming a chameleon to other people,

00:00:48.360 and ultimately how to regain your sense of clarity and confidence. You're a man of action. You live

00:00:54.420 life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks

00:00:59.000 you down, you get back up one more time, every time. You are not easily deterred, defeated, rugged,

00:01:05.820 resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of

00:01:12.380 the day. And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on

00:01:18.480 a day? Welcome to the order of man podcast and movement. My name is Ryan Nickler. I started this

00:01:23.640 thing over eight years ago. Now really was selfish and tense to help myself. I had some things in my

00:01:29.900 own personal life that I wanted to improve upon being a better husband, being a better father,

00:01:34.560 starting a business at the time, getting my fitness in check, learning how to make more money.

00:01:39.180 And I thought starting a podcast and interviewing incredible men would be a good way to do that.

00:01:43.860 And I realized very, very quickly when we launched the podcast that there were hundreds of thousands,

00:01:50.040 millions of men all over the planet who had similar ideas and goals as me and just didn't

00:01:55.720 have the resource to be able to utilize to improve their lives. So we built it. And that's what we did

00:02:00.960 eight and a half years ago. And almost a decade later, we're still going strong and still growing

00:02:05.820 and still serving and still helping you guys. So if you are new here, welcome. And if you've been

00:02:10.100 with us for a longer period of time, I'm glad you're back and I'm glad you're still with us.

00:02:14.900 Hopefully we're continuing to add value into your life. We've got a lot going on lately. We've got

00:02:19.980 our exclusive brotherhood. The iron council is officially open. It only opens once every quarter.

00:02:25.040 So four times a year. And I'm excited to have that back open. I was going to share with you

00:02:30.020 something. One of our members said that I think would be important for you to hear if you're

00:02:35.180 considering joining our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. This is from Rob Thompson. He says,

00:02:40.020 this past year, I was left picking up the pieces of my divorce. And I realized there were areas in my

00:02:45.240 life that needed tightening up. I wasn't who I was supposed to be. The iron council brought me to

00:02:50.740 the tools that I needed to pick up my life and make it something new. It brought men into my life

00:02:56.480 that started out as complete strangers, but are now close brothers, brothers that ask the hard

00:03:01.680 questions, brothers that refuse to settle for mediocrity, brothers who remind me of who I was meant to be.

00:03:08.580 The iron council empowers me to be the man I should be and to lead other men to find their

00:03:13.840 way as well. So that comes from Rob Thompson. Guys, if you're interested in learning more about

00:03:18.180 what we're doing, head to order a man.com slash iron council, watch a quick video, see what we have

00:03:23.840 to offer and join us. Even if it's for a short period of time to check it out. And if, if at the

00:03:28.940 end of that short period of time, you decide it's not for you, we'll shake hands and wish you well,

00:03:32.640 but you might just find out that this is a valuable tool that you'll be able to utilize for the rest

00:03:36.700 of your life. So check it out. Order a man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, let me introduce

00:03:42.420 you to my guest. His name is Bradley Richardson. He is an accomplished author of five books. He's an

00:03:48.060 executive. He's a speaker. He's a writer. He's a men's coach. He does so much and he's got so much

00:03:53.600 wisdom to share with us. He's also the creator of advanced adulting where his life's mission has

00:04:00.440 become to help men navigate midlife from career changes to divorces and separations and just the

00:04:09.040 changing of seasons as we, as men get older and get a few more gray hairs in our beard. So I hope

00:04:15.380 you enjoy this conversation. Bradley and I have been connected and friends for some time now, and it's

00:04:19.700 an honor to have him on. And I think you're going to hear why that is. Enjoy it guys. Bradley, what's up,

00:04:25.820 man? Thank you for joining me. It's been years and years since we last saw each other, but man,

00:04:30.740 glad you're here. It has been a while. Lots going on. So thank you for having me. We were talking about

00:04:35.600 it before we started. It was the days when I had the long beard. So a little, little different these

00:04:40.260 days than it used to be. Yeah. You, you, you got rid of a beard and I added some pounds. So yeah,

00:04:46.060 it happens, man. But yeah, it's weird. It's like you add a few pounds, lose, lose a little hair in the,

00:04:52.340 in, in, in the wrong places, get some more hair in the, in, in the wrong places. It's very strange.

00:04:57.980 Yeah. That's midlife right there. You find you wake up one day and there's hair in your ears and

00:05:01.680 stuff like your dad. And you're like, what is this? Yeah. I was looking at a picture the other

00:05:05.700 day that I had taken. I think my kids and I were on a hike and I looked at the picture and I don't

00:05:10.160 know if the sun hit my beard just right, or if it's reality, but there is so much more gray in my

00:05:16.360 beard than there used to be. It's good luck though. That's good. That's character. That's

00:05:20.260 experienced earned experience there. You know, and also I think just in, in talking with

00:05:26.440 women and in general, I actually think women appreciate a little gray in the beard is what

00:05:33.100 I'm figuring out. Yeah. Well, thank God it took, you know, had I known that they like gray in the

00:05:37.980 beard and you know, you've got, you've got some hair still. I mean, with me, I would have, I would

00:05:42.740 have done this five years earlier had I known that they dug bald guys somehow, you know, but we're

00:05:47.200 trying to hang on to it, but yeah. Did you, so did you like, is, are you thinning? Like,

00:05:52.960 or do you just like a shaved head? Like what, what is that for you? You know, I, and I'm sure a lot

00:05:57.640 of guys out there have done this. Okay. I hung on to it for really about three or four years longer

00:06:01.900 than I needed to, you know, your forehead starts here. And then one day you take pictures and your

00:06:06.400 forehead's up here and I'm like, Oh my God. So I hung on to it was then. And finally, um, you know,

00:06:13.020 it was some, some of my female friends that were like, you know, honey, just shave this thing off.

00:06:17.680 Okay. And I did. That's good. Good thing. I'm telling you, that's the best thing in the world.

00:06:21.740 If you have some women that you trust that will just kind of guide you on style things. Um, yeah.

00:06:27.680 And it was so funny because it's like, and any guy who's done this knows, I mean, very few men are

00:06:32.340 like completely, truly bald all the way. So I've got a little bit and, um, boy, that first couple of

00:06:38.300 times you do it, it's scary. Cause you're just like, this looks so weird. I would never go back now. I,

00:06:42.780 you know, I know a lot of guys, they work on all the treatments and stuff. No, I'm, this is how it

00:06:46.620 is. It's also low maintenance and you save money on product too. So yeah, I bet. I bet. Yeah. I don't

00:06:51.460 understand. And I think, I think the, uh, hanging on to thinning hair is indicative of a greater issue

00:06:57.580 that guys just have with getting older and transitioning between seasons and trying to

00:07:02.640 hang on to the last, you know, semblance of their youth. To me, I, I kind of like where I am right

00:07:09.100 now. You know, I've had some external factors that have been challenging over the past year,

00:07:12.620 but I like where I'm at. I like my maturity level. I like where I'm at physically. Uh,

00:07:17.420 I like where I am mentally and emotionally. So I don't feel like there's much for me to hang on to

00:07:21.700 that. I see so many guys unnecessarily cling to. I think that cling to is a great word for it.

00:07:27.560 And I'm with you. I think that we're raised in large part to, um, reminisce, to, to want something,

00:07:34.980 to feel like we're losing something, but really it's, it's, you're gaining something. You're smart

00:07:38.540 about it. And unfortunately, most of us aren't until you actually you're there and it hits you

00:07:42.480 in the face. Um, there's a lot to gain. It's not like, Oh my God, I've lost this and I have to hold

00:07:47.220 on to my youth or hold on to something else or my best days behind me. I mean, it's a, that's,

00:07:51.520 that's not a winning attitude at all, but when you finally get there and after you kind of cross that

00:07:56.600 bridge, you finally realize, Hey, there's, I still have a lot of miles left and there's still a lot of

00:08:01.340 good things too. And, um, you know, it is, it's, you know, it to be cliche. I mean, they're the,

00:08:06.300 the chapters and seasons and all that, but it's true. And each one's different. And, um, yeah,

00:08:11.880 there's, there's so much to it. I think that's the whole thing. There's complexities, whether it's

00:08:15.200 physical, whether it's emotional, whether it's professional, all of these things that, man,

00:08:19.440 if you just kind of embrace the now with it, it can be good stuff. Where do you feel like most guys

00:08:25.480 go wrong as they get older? And I think there's pivotal moments. I would say when you,

00:08:29.700 when you turn 18, you know, that's a pivotal moment, probably somewhere in your mid twenties.

00:08:34.340 Uh, when you get married, uh, start having children, these are all pivotal moments. Uh,

00:08:38.900 and then I think another pivotal moment might be when your first leaves the house, like there's,

00:08:43.280 there's moments that, that happened. And I'm wondering where guys go wrong and why they seem

00:08:48.780 to get so stuck as opposed to moving forward in life with the attitude of my best days are ahead of me,

00:08:55.020 not behind me. You know, it's interesting. I mean, in,

00:08:58.580 you're right. It's all these pivotal moments, these, these giant life stages are forked in the

00:09:04.440 road. I don't know if it's a matter of they get it wrong as much. It's just each one's a little

00:09:07.720 different because you're right. I mean, becoming an empty nester is very different than, um,

00:09:12.560 having a divorce or something like that. I just think it's these things where we look and

00:09:16.940 we are conditioned to how things should look. And I think that a lot of us, a lot of guys,

00:09:24.280 you know, we, we were raised to be competitive. We were raised to kind of look next, you know,

00:09:29.720 look a little to the side there and how am I doing compared to the next guy? And I think that

00:09:34.940 a lot of it has to do culturally. Now we look at social media, we look at everything and we look

00:09:39.340 at the guy of, okay, he's got the hotter wife, the bigger house, making more money, doing all this

00:09:43.100 stuff. And I think, you know, you, a lot of guys go wrong by hanging on to the, what I should do,

00:09:50.360 what looks right. It should have been this way. This is how it ought to look. And, um, while there

00:09:55.320 are some, some core elements to that, I think when you finally hit a certain age or stage of life and

00:10:01.320 you get, you know, either things blow up or you blow them up, you, you realize, Hey, I get a chance

00:10:06.800 to do this the way that I really want. I've earned all this experience. I've earned all these things.

00:10:11.680 I have these scars. Now, what am I going to do with this knowledge? And I think the mistake is,

00:10:17.620 um, they don't, they don't do anything with it because they're still thinking, well, I need it

00:10:22.060 to look a certain way. It has to look a certain way. And instead of just going, no, I get to,

00:10:27.240 to really truly be my own man in the way that I want in using those experiences, good and bad.

00:10:35.320 I think one of the things that older men, um, and I'm 42, so I wouldn't consider myself

00:10:41.000 an older man, but I'm, I'm getting older. Right. I think one of the best things that we

00:10:47.520 have going for us is a level of non-neediness. I I've seen that so often with guys, whether it's

00:10:54.960 in the dating space or even with jobs and career paths, there's such a neediness and desperation

00:11:02.560 in so many men, cause they're operating out of scarcity that it's repulsive. It's repulsive

00:11:07.460 to potential employers. It's repulsive to potential clients. It's repulsive to potential

00:11:12.440 romantic partners. But as you get older, I mean, there's not as much neediness there. Like I don't,

00:11:18.540 I don't need a woman to validate me. I don't, I don't need a particular client cause it's not

00:11:24.100 going to make or break me. I don't need somebody to hire me cause I've created my own source of income.

00:11:28.280 Um, it's a huge advantage that I think a lot of older gentlemen overlook. It's a giant advantage,

00:11:33.220 but it takes you a long time to get there. And some guys never do. I think that's the,

00:11:36.920 that's the hard part. And, you know, needing, this is a great word for it. And whether you're,

00:11:40.320 and look, I mean, look, the thing is like, I don't claim to have all the answers. I'm,

00:11:43.960 and we're all still doing it too. I think that's the other really important thing is just like,

00:11:48.040 you know, you don't get in shape and stop training. I mean, you're always evolving and growing.

00:11:51.720 And with each stage comes, I mean, I'm, I'm a little older than you are and, you know,

00:11:57.040 you think you haven't figured out and guess what? Life is going to hand you something that you have

00:12:01.300 not been prepared for. And I think that that's, that's the biggest thing right there. There's

00:12:06.000 no guidebook for it, but that neediness, that graspiness, I think, um, you know, all of us in

00:12:12.520 various ways, you know, there are some guys that just always have their shit figured out since day one.

00:12:17.700 Awesome. Great. Good for you. But I think a lot of us get, um,

00:12:21.720 get hit upside the head sometimes, whether it is personally, financially, emotionally. I, and you,

00:12:26.280 you know, we talked earlier about what kind of what's the stages. I think for a lot of guys,

00:12:29.800 it's that first time of falling on your ass. It's that first time of, and whether that is in a

00:12:34.360 relationship or whether that is financially or anything. And there's a lot of guys out there.

00:12:38.460 And I was this one who, you know what, I just made to make stuff happen, you know, just shit worked

00:12:43.180 for me. And I also worked my ass off for it, but everything went. And I was somehow, even if I was,

00:12:47.940 you know, backs against the wall, I can find a way to make it work until those first few times

00:12:51.700 when you don't until those first few times when you, you know, you would always dug deep and make

00:12:57.180 it work. And then sometimes you're like, wait a minute, I can't make this marriage work. I can't,

00:13:01.380 you know, something happens that is beyond your control or that you just screw up for the first

00:13:05.500 time. And you're like, wow, I can't pull that out. And I think that for a lot of guys, um,

00:13:12.860 is a tough one. That's a big, that's a big moment right there of going, God, I can't do this like I

00:13:18.720 used to, or I have to do it differently than I used to. And, um, that's when we either become,

00:13:25.500 you see people either become graspy and needy, or they, they put on this bullshit air of false

00:13:31.780 bravado and they pull on the mask and it continues. And, um, I see that more on the relationship

00:13:38.980 side, they put that mask on, you know, you can hide a lot in business and you can kind of do that

00:13:43.420 and you can kind of control more in a relationship side. When they put that wall up, that's, that's

00:13:49.320 the hard stuff right there. Cause it's really hiding a lot of stuff. What, what does that actually

00:13:53.620 look like? Are you talking about with that wall or that mask or that false bravado towards your

00:13:57.920 significant other or towards new romantic interest? Like you don't let women in, like,

00:14:03.400 what does it actually look like? It could be both. I think it can be both. I think it could be in a

00:14:07.200 marriage. I think it could be, um, yeah, I'm talking like you're right in a relationship type

00:14:13.320 standpoint with dating. No, it's the, I, you know, a lot of the work that I do is in the relationship

00:14:19.600 area. And I see it with people who got burned once and it's like, damn it. I'm never letting anybody

00:14:24.980 in again. I got hurt, you know, she cheated on me or something screwed up or, um, and you just shut

00:14:33.860 it off. And so that's the funny thing. A lot of, I see a lot of people, men and women, but a lot of

00:14:38.440 men who, um, have, you know, strong men, but they've, they've been open and vulnerable and hat and,

00:14:44.460 you know, giving. And if they get burned, then it's like, uh, no, I'm going to go into, into a

00:14:49.120 totally different mode here. And that's a hard thing. And they end up, they end up hurting

00:14:53.280 themselves. Um, or you mentioned the needy thing. It's, it's like a, it's a spectrum.

00:14:58.200 They go on one side of it's the wall is up or it is the, oh my God, I don't want to be alone.

00:15:03.580 I don't want to be alone. And I just need somebody. And then that's when I, yeah, at least in the

00:15:08.620 relationship and kind of dating world, you see people, um, start running numbers and start just

00:15:13.200 accumulating, you know, people and bodies and, uh, the callous about it. Yeah, I can see that. I,

00:15:20.580 I think going back to what you said about getting burned, where a guy's giving and giving and giving

00:15:27.240 and, you know, he gets, he gets burned in some way. I think some of that stems from

00:15:33.260 the fact that a lot of guys are giving just with the expectation or anticipation of something in

00:15:40.780 return and it becomes keeping score. So I'm going to give so much into this relationship,

00:15:46.880 but if I don't get exactly what I want that, by the way, most of the time isn't communicated to

00:15:50.760 our partners. If I don't get exactly what I want, then I'm going to feel slighted in some way and

00:15:55.380 I'm going to stop giving. Well, that that's not really a great motive for giving. I think giving

00:15:59.480 becomes more powerful when it's intrinsic. It's you, you do it because it's the right thing to do.

00:16:08.120 And the energy that you bring to the equation when you're giving like that

00:16:10.960 is so much more powerful than, Hey, I gave you three times. So, I mean, come on,

00:16:16.760 it's time to, time to reciprocate. That's just a failed relationship just waiting to happen.

00:16:21.760 Absolutely. I mean, I mean, that's a problem in marriages. That's a problem in, in, uh,

00:16:25.580 any relationship really is you think of, it's a giant quid pro quo where I've got to keep score

00:16:29.560 all the time. That's just wrong. But the other piece to that, a lot of it has to do, you know,

00:16:33.680 we're, it's just how we're raised. Okay. You know, we have, everybody comes to any situation,

00:16:40.060 even friendships, but you come to a relationship with your own set of expectations and your own

00:16:45.420 definitions for things. And no one's a, no one's clairvoyant. No one's a mind reader. So you want

00:16:51.400 something from someone, you want things to look a certain way and you, and then you get all bent out

00:16:56.040 of shape when it doesn't occur. And I think that's one of the biggest problems is we, you know,

00:17:00.040 we don't know how we even define something like communication or intimacy or anything like that.

00:17:05.400 You know, what is really, and I, and I ask people, I work with that. What does communication mean to

00:17:09.300 you? Well, I want someone who communicates. I want someone who's open. I want someone intimacy.

00:17:12.880 Okay, cool. Well, what does it mean to you? Because you may think of it one way, but that person who

00:17:17.480 you're married to or dating or whatever may define it completely different. Unless you actually

00:17:22.040 communicate what that looks like to you, then there's a fair shot. There's a good shot of, Hey,

00:17:27.660 this person can either act on it, deliver on it, or maybe they just can't, but at least

00:17:32.140 that communication is out in the open. And that goes for when you're married. I mean,

00:17:37.460 I think, I think so many people who look, I applaud the people who get married once and stay that way.

00:17:44.260 Okay. I was married for 16 years and I've met generation that you do it and you do it right.

00:17:49.400 You do it once. And it just didn't. And there were so many things that we come into relationships,

00:17:53.580 not knowing that are just so simple. When you step back after you've screwed it up or burned it

00:17:58.840 and you go, wait, that's intuitive. It should be, but we don't do it because we're scared or we just

00:18:05.840 have other expectations rather than just putting it out there. And I think that's what screws a lot

00:18:12.460 of things up is we do not adequately communicate our expectations because we really don't know

00:18:18.240 specifically what we expect. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. I mean, I actually wrote those two things down.

00:18:24.460 I wrote expectations and boundaries, making sure you're sharing them. And the next line was knowing

00:18:28.180 what you want. So you and I, I think are in alignment. I see these guys who, you know, they,

00:18:34.340 they have this, this idea of what they want. Like you said, an intimacy or relationship or a business

00:18:38.800 or, or whatever it may be. And they hold people to impossible standards that aren't communicated.

00:18:42.760 I don't know if it's fear or it's gotta be fear. I mean, there, there would be no other reason not

00:18:48.440 to share that information with somebody or, or is there? You know, I don't, each case is a little

00:18:53.660 unique on that. I mean, everybody, I think there's funny. I mean, I'm, look, I'm not a therapist.

00:18:57.620 I'm not a counselor. You know, I've pretty much purchased, you know, what would be the equivalent

00:19:01.780 of vehicles, both for counselors and therapists. But yeah, the deal is so much of it stems from how

00:19:08.640 you're raised. So much of it stems from your own bullshit and your own things that you bring to it.

00:19:13.800 You know, and, and, you know, you probably heard me talk about it. I mean, it's the idea of,

00:19:17.840 we talk about relationships externally, but the common denominator in every, every one of your

00:19:23.160 relationships, I don't care if it's with your friends, your coworkers, your romantic relationships

00:19:26.900 is you, you're it. You bring the same thing to everything. And a lot of that comes from how you

00:19:35.460 saw your parents communicate, how they fought, what, how they handled each other, how open they

00:19:40.060 were, all of that. And, um, we just bring it to the, to each relationship. And unless after something

00:19:46.440 blows up, I mean, some people are just gifted that way. Okay. Fantastic. But I mean, if you, um,

00:19:51.700 if you've gone through a divorce, a breakup or a series of relationships and you, you, the hard part

00:19:57.160 is to realize, Hey, maybe this might be me. You know, it's not that, you know, she's a bitch and this

00:20:02.300 was horrible and such and such. It's just, no, maybe you're the problem. And a lot of people

00:20:07.140 don't like to look at that. And maybe it's not, you're just the problem. It's just, you haven't

00:20:10.500 taken time because what so many people do is they bounce, especially after a divorce too. Okay. It's

00:20:18.180 they bounce from person to person, to person, to thing, to thing, to thing without having really

00:20:23.960 examined, okay, what do I bring to the table? What do I truly want? Because sometimes this is another

00:20:29.940 important aspect to it. What you want may not be what you need, what you want or what

00:20:36.240 your type or what you think you, you want or what you've always had may just be bad for

00:20:41.900 you. It may just not work, but it's familiar. And so too many times people are stuck in the

00:20:47.420 familiar, um, and, and being miserable, but it's familiar rather than trying something new

00:20:54.060 that might actually be good for them. Yeah. I mean, I, I see this a lot with guys who

00:20:59.200 almost like they're addicted to craziness. I'm like, what are you doing? Like you're just moving

00:21:03.900 from crazy woman to crazy woman to crazy woman. And look, let's yeah. Sometimes it's an isolated

00:21:09.820 thing, but sometimes you're attracting that into your life because you actually secretly like the

00:21:15.240 drama or the bullshit of it, but women do it too. Women, a lot of women will, will be attracted to

00:21:21.980 the wrong type of guy. Who's going to end up emotionally hurting them in some way. And,

00:21:27.100 and then they have the audacity. I'm not saying this is exclusive to women, men do it too,

00:21:31.400 but they have the audacity to say, how come we can't find a good guy? Because you don't give the

00:21:35.840 good guy who you say you're interested in the time of day you're attracting these assholes.

00:21:40.580 Well, it's funny. I mean, we, we tend to go for the same types and I know on a personal level,

00:21:47.260 I mean, I did that. I mean, my friends, my friends, you know, I should have listened to my

00:21:51.440 friends. Okay. After I got divorced, they said, you know, the problem is Bradley, you keep getting

00:21:55.980 better looking versions of the same person. I go, what do you mean? They called it, they called it

00:21:59.660 coffee. You go, what do you mean? They go, if a woman is hot, dark, and bitter, she's yours. I mean,

00:22:04.620 you're totally after that. Like they heard. And, and the reason for that was, and it was finally after

00:22:10.500 I got, you know, I, I did it. I mean, I had a big moment after I had kind of done my thing and I kept

00:22:19.320 getting burned, but just found myself in really unfulfilling situations. That's it. And I looked

00:22:24.980 and I thought, okay, what's the, what, what am I doing here? Okay. And you said, I love how you

00:22:28.740 said that. You said, you know, people just, you go for crazy. Well, I went for certain things. And

00:22:33.060 the reason was, and a lot of guys do this because why, because we're fixers and weren't, you know,

00:22:37.340 I, I love, you know, and I have to tell you one of the first times we spoke, I love, you know,

00:22:41.360 the idea of, you know, protect, provide, reside. I love that. And I think as a man,

00:22:45.880 you want to protect and you want to be needed and you want to take care of. And so that's a great

00:22:50.380 thing. However, sometimes, especially after a divorce, I guess I picked broken women. Okay.

00:22:57.840 Oh my God. If they were a train wreck because they needed me, you know, I was always, I was always

00:23:02.280 there. I could swoop in and be the hero and take care of them. And, and that was it. And, you know,

00:23:07.020 was that great? Sure. That made me feel good. Absolutely. But it was also the giant mass because

00:23:11.740 in picking these, you know, these train wrecks that I could save and fix and help. I wasn't

00:23:18.640 helping myself. And I, it was an easy way for me to avoid actually looking at myself and doing the

00:23:23.420 work on my own. I was going, why am I doing this? Why am I, why am I going back to the well on that?

00:23:28.520 And when I finally realized you're picking broken women and broken people and women do it too,

00:23:34.120 you know, with the bad boys or whatever, that changed the game significantly on, I need to either

00:23:41.480 I need to attract something differently. And that comes from what I'm putting out there.

00:23:45.680 Okay. Of how I'm showing up. And it also means me taking a beat and stopping and not just jumping in.

00:23:53.760 Cause I think that's a big thing right there is, you know, one of the best things we can do

00:23:57.860 is actually, is actually step out. And I say, you know, we tend to make the mistake

00:24:05.180 of thinking I need a relationship. I want a person. Okay. Well, let's just be blunt with it.

00:24:12.040 Okay. Do you want a person? Do you want a relationship? Do you just want to get laid?

00:24:16.300 Okay, fine. Anything's okay. But what you really want is a connection. And I think that's the biggest

00:24:22.920 thing. People want a connection and whether that connection can come from, you know, that has to come

00:24:27.960 first, because if you have a connection with your friends, with family, with a community, with your

00:24:34.480 buddies, whatever, then you come as a whole person, not rather than I have to fill this hole because

00:24:40.800 my ex ripped it out or because I'm just need to be a fixer. You show up differently. You attract

00:24:46.260 differently. You attract healthy people. And that that's just a whole game changer. When you do that.

00:24:51.740 Yeah. It's, it's, it's, I think it's accurate. I know it has been in my life that the more you

00:24:56.400 focus on yourself, the better you're going to attract different kinds of people, healthy people,

00:25:00.440 but it's so boring, you know? And it's like, and it takes forever and guys like, Oh shit,

00:25:05.560 I got to work out every day for the rest of my life. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Or, or I got to read,

00:25:10.200 I got to read these books like, Oh, another book. Yep. Or, or, you know, I have to do some mental work,

00:25:16.240 whether it's through journaling or, uh, you know, processing my, my emotions or,

00:25:20.960 or past experiences. I don't want to do that. I just want to get laid. Like you said,

00:25:24.980 well, I mean, you can go do that and produce the same results that you've always had in your life.

00:25:29.620 A trained monkey can get laid. Okay. I mean, that's even an untrained monkey can.

00:25:33.660 I was going to say, I don't need, I don't think they need training for that.

00:25:37.040 You know, here's, here's the thing. Well, there's, there's three that come to mind.

00:25:40.800 You mentioned boring. Okay. And that is so spot on the money because I talked to so many people

00:25:46.760 and they'll finally, they'll get their act together and they'll meet somebody and they'll

00:25:52.300 go, yeah, they're, they're great, but it's just kind of boring. It's not really fiery. There's

00:25:56.980 no, this passion stuff, you know, because you're addicted to crazy. You're addicted to drama. You're

00:26:00.940 addicted to being abused. You're addicted to all this emotional rollercoaster. And you're used to

00:26:05.480 this ride at six flags where it's, you know, super high, super hot, super intense. And it's like,

00:26:10.860 you know, it's like this amazing, you know, first month or two. And then what happens? Then it just

00:26:16.840 bottoms out. And people look at that and they look at the normal person. I say normal, rather

00:26:21.940 healthy person. And they think that's boring. I go, no, that's just healthy. Okay. Instead of

00:26:26.060 riding these giant waves, how about you just kind of have a little of this, have it a little even

00:26:29.720 key. That's not boring. That's actually healthy. And you're just not used to it because you're used

00:26:34.080 to feeding on the drama and the other bullshit. The other thing that I think is interesting is

00:26:40.480 you know, you said that about guys or anybody going, God, you know, me actually stepping up

00:26:46.860 and having to work out and do these and better myself. Um, yeah, it's work. Okay. I mean, look,

00:26:53.180 you know, you and I've heard this phrase a lot before it's choose your heart. Okay. It's like,

00:26:57.140 you know, being rich is hard, being broke is hard. Choose your heart. Same thing with any of this.

00:27:00.820 What do you want? But, you know, this is the best tip I can give any, and your listeners are people

00:27:06.920 they're here because they want to do better. They want to be better men anyway.

00:27:10.480 Okay. So that, that already we eliminate a good chunk of the, the, the population and competition,

00:27:15.640 but I'm telling you the bulk of, I have a huge audience that is largely women, oddly enough.

00:27:21.180 And I'm telling you, this is coming straight out of their mouths. The bar is so low. The bar is so

00:27:26.920 remarkably low for men out there because there are so many guys just, I don't want to say doing it

00:27:32.860 wrong. They're just not doing it. They're just not putting any effort in themselves in a relationship

00:27:37.540 and communicating and learning to be better that with the bar. It's so low. If you're doing the

00:27:42.600 effort, if you're making, making the effort and doing the work on you just already, I'm not talking

00:27:48.720 six pack abs and, you know, a fat bank account just by being a good man. There aren't that many out

00:27:55.720 there, or at least what a lot of them experience. So you set yourself miles apart already by show it

00:28:03.140 by consistently. And that consistent word is huge. Being consistent, following through, doing what you

00:28:09.920 say, acting with integrity, core tenants of the things that you talk about and, and the folks in,

00:28:14.440 in, in your community. So many people in, in, that I deal with, and this is really a worldwide thing.

00:28:21.520 Men just don't show up just showing up. That's hot. That's sexy. That's attractive. That's

00:28:27.400 appealing. It's not necessarily the other stuff. It's nice, but yeah, I, I, uh, I talked with a

00:28:33.900 woman yesterday who was talking about this exact same thing. And she was saying that, uh, in a

00:28:38.600 previous relationship, she, she really got along with this person, but he wouldn't get out of bed

00:28:43.800 early. He wouldn't go work out and he wouldn't excel and, and, and succeed in work. Like he wouldn't

00:28:49.520 exert himself in those three, three departments. And, and she said, and it became so unattractive

00:28:55.460 to me. And I, and I thought to myself, I'm like getting up early, going to work out and

00:29:01.740 exerting yourself at work. Like that's basic level stuff. Like that's not, there's nothing

00:29:07.560 exceptional about that, or, or at least there shouldn't be, maybe it is because of the climate

00:29:12.220 and the culture, but that, that shouldn't be all that difficult. I think the other thing

00:29:17.720 is just following through on what you say you're going to do. If you're, if you say you're going

00:29:22.340 to do it, then, then do it. If you're not going to do it, just don't say you're going to do

00:29:27.240 it. And then you don't have any hook to, to catch yourself on. I just, yeah, it's crazy.

00:29:32.500 You know, I think about this, even with like a client relationship, if you tell a client, you're

00:29:36.320 going to get back to him this afternoon, you damn well better get back to him this afternoon.

00:29:39.840 If you get back to him in the morning and you say, Hey, I'm sorry, I was busy. And

00:29:42.940 you know, I got my days, I lost track of my day. You think that client cares about how

00:29:47.940 busy you were or how you lost track of your day? No. What the client thinks is this is

00:29:52.420 an unreliable person and I'm not interested in doing business with this person.

00:29:56.480 Right. Yeah. I mean, it, it's reflected in almost every aspect of your life. I mean, and

00:30:02.340 that's just it. And, you know, it's funny. I mean, I know, I know probably people watching

00:30:07.360 and listening to this are thinking, you know, well, yeah, no, no shit. I mean,

00:30:09.780 that's pretty simple stuff. It is. But I think the thing that blew my mind is how few people

00:30:14.300 actually do it. And that's just it. It shouldn't, it shouldn't be exceptional yet. It is. And,

00:30:20.500 um, that right there is, um, you asked, you asked that question earlier in the conversation

00:30:26.460 about, you know, what a man screw up on that, that right there is actually, um, putting themselves

00:30:33.260 on cruise control, just kind of riding it, just getting comfortable, realizing that you

00:30:39.120 don't have that, that, um, you do have to, you know, you have to show up every day, every

00:30:43.680 day you have to show up. And that isn't a relationship. That is anything you can have

00:30:47.020 bad days. Of course you can. You're not expecting perfection. You can lose it. You can be open

00:30:50.540 and vulnerable and all that. Um, but yeah, you got to put in the effort. And, um, I think

00:30:57.040 the moment you say, you know, again, that's probably why a lot of marriages fall apart

00:31:00.560 too. And, you know, I, I've fell victim to this before is, um, you get comfortable and

00:31:05.860 you cruise and, um, that's just not a good way to go through a relationship or life at

00:31:11.620 all. Man, I'm just going to step away from this conversation very briefly. I talked a

00:31:17.420 minute ago or earlier in this conversation about the iron council. And I need to ask you

00:31:21.760 if you have a band of brothers in your life, because if not, you should, I know how many

00:31:26.600 men will tell you it's not necessary. Some of you might be thinking it yourself, but the

00:31:30.540 evidence just doesn't support that lone wolf mentality. We truly have a loneliness crisis,

00:31:37.180 an epidemic, especially with men, uh, and the rates of depression, anxiety, suicide that

00:31:45.480 is impacting hundreds of thousands of men all over the world. Having men in your corner

00:31:50.920 doesn't necessarily solve that problem, but it does get you one step closer to the type

00:31:56.180 of connections that you need to thrive. That's emotionally. That's mentally. That's physically

00:32:01.120 that's spiritually. And that's where our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council comes into

00:32:05.560 play. So if you're ready to band with like a, uh, a group of like-minded men getting after

00:32:11.140 it in life, then join us at order of man.com slash iron council. Very quickly. I'm going

00:32:16.460 to read you what one of our members said. This comes from Bobby Katie. He's a construction

00:32:21.140 executive. Uh, he says, when I first came into the IC in 2021, I was skeptical about just sitting

00:32:27.580 on a zoom call, talking about my personal, uh, my personal life with guys I've never met

00:32:32.640 before. Shortly after being on, I realized this is what I needed in my life. From that point on,

00:32:38.440 I completely turned my life around. I ended up losing 65 pounds and becoming a better husband,

00:32:43.840 father, and employee than I've ever been before. There needs to be more men who are willing to open

00:32:49.660 up about the issues they're facing and get to the root of the problem and ultimately fix it. So again,

00:32:56.400 that one comes from Bobby Katie guys, check it out at order of man.com slash iron council.

00:33:02.200 All right, let's get back to it with Bradley. That's a big part of, of what happened in my

00:33:08.160 marriage to me getting comfortable, me getting complacent. And I talk about this stuff on a

00:33:12.020 daily basis. And so I know, and yet it's still challenging at times to, to get up and to exert

00:33:17.960 and to push a little harder than you did before, or learn a new skill or go out of your way to make

00:33:23.360 your wife's feel special. Like you used to do like all these things that we, we think we're just set

00:33:28.620 and we just leave them alone. And then we move on to something else. And you know, that bright and

00:33:32.020 shiny object. And all of a sudden the, the, the prize, the valuable stuff over here that we've

00:33:36.940 neglected is like, yeah, I'm out. Yeah. I don't, I actually, I, I can see why, like, if you're looking

00:33:42.460 at it objectively, it's like, yeah, I get that. You know, it sucks, but it's like, yeah, understandable.

00:33:46.600 Yeah, absolutely. And you know, it, it should, it should bother you first, you know? And I think

00:33:52.860 that that lack of accountability, I think that's a big thing. I think you're at least, um, look,

00:33:58.580 I've got, I got three kids in their twenties and you know, that he, I've heard your stuff on dealing

00:34:03.660 with, um, with your son. I love that. I love watching you guys make the boat and everything.

00:34:07.240 And you're teaching them young. I taught mine young, but you never know. I mean, kid, you know,

00:34:10.240 parent being a parent's a long game. It's so the long game. You have no idea how you're doing

00:34:14.860 until they're gone and out of the house. And, um, you know, I think that's one of the

00:34:19.420 big things that I look at is, um, you know, yeah, I wish I'd had some of these skills or

00:34:24.920 knowledge, um, you know, younger, uh, when I was younger or earlier in relationships, but

00:34:30.020 sometimes you got to screw it up. And, you know, I think that's the, um, I respect that

00:34:34.680 about you and about a lot of other people in the movement and such. And that's, um, the

00:34:38.840 idea of nobody, nobody's perfect. Okay. I mean, look, you've heard me,

00:34:44.860 and other people who've heard me on social media. I mean, look, I I'll tell you the

00:34:47.660 good, bad, the ugly. I mean, I've screwed the pooch umpteen jillion times. I've been

00:34:50.800 a good man and a douchebag and, you know, my becoming a good man came largely from

00:34:55.380 lessons of screwing it up. And, um, I think that's an important piece is that you are

00:35:00.980 accountable and finally can look yourself in the mirror and go, you know, I can do

00:35:06.080 better. I know I could do better. You know, and you stop being the victim and victim

00:35:09.540 is such a weak word, but a lot of us, a lot of guys and a lot of people in general, um,

00:35:14.780 love to throw blame. Oh, you know, she did this. The boss did this. No, you know,

00:35:20.500 there's there. I was a, I was a headhunter and executive recruiter for a long, long

00:35:25.140 time. I was partnered at a big search firm. And one of the best pieces of advice I

00:35:29.220 got when I started is, is good for life. And it was this, and it was just, there's

00:35:33.340 so few things in this business or life that you can actually control. The few things that

00:35:39.280 you can, you better strangle, you better choke them out because there's so little that

00:35:43.700 you actually can, can guide. So what you have control over, you nail it and how you

00:35:49.740 show up and how you perform and what you do and you do for others. That's, that's

00:35:55.580 the good stuff. And sometimes it takes us a long time to get to midlife or be an

00:35:59.220 advanced adult to figure that shit out.

00:36:02.060 Yeah. I like that idea of just focusing on what you can control. I've also thought

00:36:06.360 there's, like you said, there's so much that's outside of our control, but the more you

00:36:11.400 strangle to, to use your verbiage, the, the controllables, the easier, the

00:36:16.380 uncontrollables are to manage. You know, I've thought about that and going through

00:36:20.140 my divorce and it's been, it's been hard, you know, and it was really

00:36:23.840 challenging and I don't want to dismiss the gravity of it, the weight of it and

00:36:27.700 how hard it has been. Right.

00:36:30.000 But I've had people comment like, Hey, you seem like you've navigated this pretty

00:36:33.700 well. And the only reason is, is because I went back to focusing on what I can

00:36:38.640 control, which made the situation more manageable. I think if I let everything

00:36:43.520 fall apart and I used my divorce to self-destruct and to crumble and turn back

00:36:48.980 to alcoholism and all these other things, then I probably wouldn't be where I am

00:36:52.720 right now, but I'm here and it's manageable, even though it's difficult and I

00:36:56.240 have bad days, it's manageable because I've decided to focus on what is within

00:37:01.300 my grasp. Right. I think that's an important thing too, is, you know, look,

00:37:07.600 I mean, I, I, I'm not shy about this. I suffered from depression before, like a

00:37:11.380 lot of men and you know, especially after coming through a divorce or any,

00:37:16.180 anything like that. And I think that's one of the things is just recognizing

00:37:20.600 that, yeah, you're going to have bad days. Okay. But also recognizing it's okay

00:37:25.600 to have some bad days. Okay. That one bad day does not make a bad life. That it is

00:37:29.280 not spiral. That does not take you out of control. It is a matter of you

00:37:32.700 actually going, okay, I am where I am right now. That idea of being present and

00:37:37.500 in the moment, I think is so huge. And, you know, I, again, I keep going back to

00:37:42.100 that one question you said, cause there's not just one thing men screw up on.

00:37:44.520 There's a lot that we all screw up on. Sure. I think, I think that, that, you

00:37:49.380 know, in the work that I do and also my personal life, I just think that idea of

00:37:52.760 being present and in the moment, um, is so critical and that's not some woo woo

00:37:59.160 term or anything. It's just low, be where you are, be where you are. Because too

00:38:03.120 many times with your, when you're with your, uh, your wife or your girlfriend or

00:38:06.840 your kids or whatever, get your focused on work and you're a million miles away

00:38:10.140 or you're, uh, you know, you think, oh, this is, this is shit. And I just, I, I'm, you

00:38:14.620 get trapped in that of how do I find a way out? Um, no, it's just one foot in

00:38:19.020 front of the other. It's kind of like anything. It's like working out and it's not

00:38:21.680 going to happen overnight. It's just consistently showing up, being there, being right

00:38:26.260 there at that moment and working towards something and getting you through. And I

00:38:29.920 think that's a large part. Um, a lot, a lot of the midlife thing is, Hey, how am I

00:38:35.960 getting through? You know, we either look back or we look forward instead of just

00:38:39.820 being right here in this moment. And you miss a lot and you, you, um, you miss the

00:38:45.440 lessons that can come from being right there in that moment too. It's easy to

00:38:50.060 overlook the seemingly insignificant things too, though. Like, so for example, if you

00:38:54.920 wake up in the morning and your alarm goes off at six and you hit snooze and

00:38:58.280 get up at six 15, like you already lost the very first activity that you could

00:39:03.460 have won, like you lost the day. Um, the rest of your day is going to go poorly

00:39:07.360 because of that. If you don't make your bed, I know it sounds stupid and trivial

00:39:10.460 and insignificant, but you're not taking care of your stuff. You're not, you're not

00:39:14.520 paying respect to your, to your space or, or your bedroom or the work

00:39:18.020 environment. You know, if, if, if you don't think about what you're going to

00:39:21.100 have for lunch and instead of going with something good and healthy and clean, you

00:39:25.300 just go to the default, which is, you know, Burger King or McDonald's or

00:39:28.380 whatever. Like, I mean, do that once, you know, yeah, maybe, but those are just,

00:39:33.820 those are just little notches in the loss column and those compounds so much and

00:39:39.460 it becomes devastating over time.

00:39:41.840 Well, you lose control of your life that way, you know? And again, and there, you

00:39:45.400 know, look too much control. That can be a bad thing too. Cause you're trying to

00:39:47.900 control everything, but this is something that you can control how you

00:39:52.200 show up, how you treat your body, how you perform. And the big thing that keeps

00:39:56.760 coming back to the phrase that I use on, it's not, it's simple. It's just, it's,

00:40:00.680 are you keeping those promises to yourself? That's it. You keeping those

00:40:04.260 promises to yourself. You know, you say you want one thing. Are you doing those

00:40:08.300 things? Cause you know, yeah, we'll work hard and we'll try and keep promises

00:40:11.320 and be integrity to other people. Great. But it starts with, can you do that to

00:40:15.480 yourself? Cause if you don't do that to yourself or for yourself, man, that's

00:40:19.880 where the wheels fall off. Everything else falls off after that point. And you

00:40:23.280 could, you could, you could fake it or you could take care of everybody else

00:40:25.800 for a while, but at some point you're going to implode and that's it. So you

00:40:29.580 got to keep the promise. You know, I think that's, that's a hard, that was a

00:40:33.220 hard lesson for me and for a lot of people who are providers and whether

00:40:36.700 that's, you know, men or women, because we're raised to, you know, we're always

00:40:40.980 looking ahead. We're set, we're assigned labels. Okay. It's the, you go to school,

00:40:45.320 where do you go to school? We're going to go to school. What are you going to

00:40:47.400 major? What are you going to do when you get out? When you get married, when you

00:40:49.480 have kids, when you do all this. And, um, we have the labels and the

00:40:54.380 expectations and we, um, we take care of everyone else. And, um, it is, I mean,

00:41:01.400 it's the, it's that oxygen mask theory, you know, you got to put it on

00:41:05.140 yourself first. Cause if I'm not doing that and taking care of me, um, it falls

00:41:09.400 apart with my kids, with my relationships, with everything else. And

00:41:13.700 we're, but we're brought up to mean that's kind of selfish. You can't be

00:41:16.360 that ego. Now that's, that's, that it takes, it took me a while. It took a lot

00:41:22.080 of people to figure that out because we are great. We're, we are raised to take

00:41:27.320 care of others and you should, but again, you, you know, you're useless

00:41:30.920 otherwise. Well, I found even with those things, let's take working out. For

00:41:34.620 example, a lot of guys will use their family as an excuse and that's exactly what

00:41:38.260 they're doing. They're not, they're not being virtuous when they say, oh, I can't

00:41:42.180 because I'm busy. I can't work out. Like that's not a virtuous behavior. That's

00:41:46.700 hiding. That's hiding. It's weakness. That's hiding behind your family as an

00:41:51.460 excuse not to do what, you know, you should be doing. And so people do that

00:41:55.400 all the time, but the best thing that you can do in those situations, at least

00:41:58.500 in my experience is start small, right? So if, if you're not used to working out,

00:42:03.000 like I'm not telling you to go put two hours in the gym every single day, like

00:42:05.900 right in the middle of your time with your family, right? But maybe you wake up a

00:42:09.780 half an hour earlier than you normally do. And you go in and maybe even in your

00:42:13.200 garage or you go for a quick walk or a run before anybody gets up. So don't tell

00:42:17.740 me that you're not working out or training because you're, you're wanting to spend

00:42:21.180 time with your family. You can do both. You can spend time with your family. And

00:42:25.160 that's another great one. Yeah. Take them with you. Show them.

00:42:28.680 Right. Yeah. It's just, again, it's like I say, keeping promises to yourself. And we do,

00:42:34.560 we love to deflect. We love to put, you know, put it on the other person and not

00:42:40.680 everyone does, but I'm just saying it becomes easier to do. And when we get

00:42:44.980 comfortable, that's, that's it. The hard stuff is making, you know, and it goes with

00:42:48.860 anything. It's making those hard decisions and it shouldn't be, it shouldn't, like I

00:42:53.140 said, we're not splitting the atom here and make your bed show up, you know, go, you

00:42:56.540 know, go work out. But we make things comfortable and it's the same thing in

00:43:02.320 relationships. And we do it with friends. We do it with our family. We do it with

00:43:06.380 our, our partners, just having the difficult conversation, saying what you

00:43:10.980 want, saying what you need, saying what you expect, being clear. You know, it's

00:43:14.880 amazing how, how much easier life could be and how much better your relationships

00:43:19.420 could be. If you just be willing and brave enough to have a difficult

00:43:21.680 conversation, that's it. It doesn't mean they're going to leave. It doesn't mean

00:43:25.380 they're going to back ass. It doesn't mean that they're done with you. It's just, Hey,

00:43:29.040 that doesn't work for me. You know? And again, it sounds so simple yet too often

00:43:35.140 we're scared of doing it or we don't want to do it because we don't, we might not

00:43:39.440 like the answer or we, you know, we, we come up with every excuse in the book and

00:43:44.760 instead of just showing up. And I found, you know, we, we've covered a lot of

00:43:49.140 topics, but I think that in terms of relationships for people who are like

00:43:52.160 post-divor, man, just that's just being authentic, doing and showing up as you

00:43:58.520 really are and saying it that's powerful. That is mature. That's masculine. That's

00:44:05.120 attractive. That's just, we overlook it too often. And it's funny because I talked

00:44:10.320 to, I talked to so many people every day who overthink things when, you know, it's

00:44:15.860 really, we, we kill ourselves with overthinking when really, I mean, it's just a

00:44:19.340 basic physics lesson. What's the shortest distance between two points, straight

00:44:22.360 line, straight line in conversation, straight line in just doing it and just

00:44:26.260 showing up. And yet we screw it up internally and externally by overthinking

00:44:32.980 too many things and overanalyzing it. Well, I mean, and the other thing is if

00:44:36.940 you're honest, you're genuine with people and I like that. I mean, there's

00:44:41.100 authenticity and vulnerability and all these kinds of things and, you know, they

00:44:44.240 get bastardized and nobody knows what the hell we're talking about because

00:44:46.860 everybody means something different, but I'm, I'm just, to me, it's just being

00:44:50.580 genuine, genuine to who you are. Also the word genuine to me doesn't give you an

00:44:55.160 excuse to be an asshole. Sometimes people say, well, you know, I'm just being

00:44:58.220 authentic. It's like, well, you're authentically a dickhead then. Right. But

00:45:02.380 genuine is, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm being true to myself. I'm, I'm honoring what I

00:45:07.100 want. But also I can do that in a respectful way towards others. But if

00:45:11.500 somebody is going to bail, whether it's a romantic partner or a potential

00:45:14.620 client or whoever it might be, because you're being genuine about what you want

00:45:19.380 in life, I mean, is that really somebody you want around anyways? And also, even

00:45:24.000 if you do manage to deceive them for any amount of time, because you're not being

00:45:27.920 genuine, that's going to come out at some point and you will have wasted

00:45:32.380 potentially years of your life because you were hiding behind this person. You

00:45:35.880 weren't just because you were afraid of being lonely to your point earlier or, you

00:45:42.720 know, whatever it might be. But yeah, just being genuine. And, and then it's

00:45:48.340 also fair. That's the thing I found. Like it's, it's the fair thing to do for

00:45:53.460 other people. Not only is it disingenuous to be someone you're not, you're lying

00:45:57.460 to somebody else and you're wasting their time. It's fair to be honest. So that

00:46:01.560 person can make an assessment as to whether or not they want to be with you.

00:46:06.060 Well, there's a hundred percent. There's a couple of things that come to mind on

00:46:08.980 this. And you're talking about the saying, just being genuine in what you say. And

00:46:14.760 if you're coming from a place that's true to yourself, you know, as I said, I

00:46:21.740 mean, I work with a lot of people, you know, all over the world, but it's a lot

00:46:25.060 of women and they will sit there and, and I can't respond to, you know, that guy,

00:46:29.160 all he wants is sex. That guy, all he wants is this and just wants to be a

00:46:31.980 player or whatever. And I'm like, okay, that's, that, that's fine if that's what

00:46:37.420 they want. But what do you want? Because guess what? There's a lot of women that

00:46:40.100 want to do that too. And the point is this, you know, people are looking for

00:46:44.200 what's a right answer. They come at it from what they believe in that someone

00:46:48.120 should do or feel is right. You know what's right? What is right is what's

00:46:51.960 right for you right then. If you were operating from a place of truth on you, if

00:46:57.280 you're like, you know what? I, I don't want to be married. I don't want to be in a

00:47:00.780 relationship. I just want to go and have fun, whatever, however you define that. There is

00:47:05.380 not a damn thing wrong with telling someone that the problem occurs. And I

00:47:09.600 see this so often is someone, it occurs because you don't hurt the other

00:47:13.480 person's feelings. Oh, so, you know, you're not looking for a relationship, but

00:47:17.440 they are. So guess what? Then you bullshit your way in there. And next thing you

00:47:20.660 know, you've led them on for, you know, two months, three months, a year when you

00:47:25.820 have no intention of, of being with this person. So you're wasting their time. You're

00:47:31.180 not being integrity with yourself. When instead, if you just say, you know what? Hey,

00:47:35.120 this is, I really don't want to be serious, but I'd love to spend time with

00:47:38.480 you, but I'm just really looking to have a good time or have fun or

00:47:41.380 companionship or do something right now. That's just being truthful with

00:47:45.560 yourself. That's it. But we, we don't want to hurt someone's feelings. And so

00:47:49.620 next thing, you know, that's how people get burned. And again, the level of

00:47:54.080 respect for yourself and for the other person by just saying they're big

00:47:58.020 people, they're grown as adults. They can say, they can opt out and say, well, you

00:48:00.820 know what? That doesn't work for me. I don't want to do that. But when you both are

00:48:03.900 lying to yourselves and each other, that's the problem. And you mentioned

00:48:07.740 this about kind of the, um, kind of changing. Yeah. The example I use is a

00:48:13.560 chameleon. Okay. And I think that, uh, a lot of us have become chameleons, um, as

00:48:20.100 we approach midlife and, you know, chameleon, I mean, what, it changes color,

00:48:24.080 adapts its color to, to survive, right. It's an adaptive instinct. And while that

00:48:29.980 changes color, we find ourselves adapting our behavior and what we say and what we

00:48:35.220 expect. And rather than just survive, we do it to be loved. We do it to be accepted.

00:48:39.380 We do it to belong. We do it to keep the peace. And after a point in time, you

00:48:44.480 bullshitted yourself so much and been in this chameleon for so long that you

00:48:47.840 really forget what your real color is. What color are you? What do you really

00:48:52.340 stand for? Who are you really? Because you've had to be this adaptive person in

00:48:55.860 every situation at work, in a relationship, in a marriage, with friends. And I see

00:49:00.340 that happen largely after people get divorced and they've gone from, they go

00:49:04.160 from a we to a me. They don't even know what a me means anymore because they've

00:49:07.820 been in this unit for so long and they've adapted. And I think that's a big

00:49:13.160 thing is when you are just true to yourself, who am I when I'm not trying

00:49:18.140 to perform? Who am I when I'm not trying to impress anybody else, when I don't

00:49:22.860 have to live up to anyone else's expectations or accountability? And

00:49:28.220 that's not being selfish. Just who really am I at my core? And that's when

00:49:31.860 you can come from a place of truth and you're going to find that your

00:49:35.920 relationships externally and internally change dramatically when you figure that

00:49:40.360 out.

00:49:41.340 Hmm. I do want to dive a little deeper on that. One thing you said, and I

00:49:45.240 thought it was interesting is, and I don't, I don't entirely agree with you on

00:49:48.720 this is you said that a lot of people are worried about hurting other

00:49:51.460 people's feelings. I actually don't think that's what it is. I think that's

00:49:55.500 what people will say it is. I don't want to hurt other people. But I think more

00:49:59.680 than that, it's that you don't want to sit with the discomfort of hurting

00:50:03.560 somebody else. It's not about how they feel. It's about how you feel. It's

00:50:07.600 selfish.

00:50:08.840 It is. Yeah, I don't know what the percentage is, but you're exactly right.

00:50:13.100 It's kind of like, you know, that bullshit term ghosting right now. Okay. Oh, you

00:50:17.420 know what grown ass adult actually just stops calling somebody or texting

00:50:21.640 instead of saying, Hey, you know what? This doesn't work for me. Hey, you're not

00:50:23.600 my person. Hey, you're awesome, but not for me. And yet so many, I can't tell you

00:50:28.120 how many people in their forties, fifties and beyonds who have really much deal

00:50:30.880 with. We'll say, look, we've been, been seeing each other for so long, or we

00:50:35.140 were talking and I'm not talking about just texting back and forth a couple of

00:50:38.200 times. I'm talking about, you've actually spent significant time together and

00:50:42.640 then someone just disappears. Who the hell does that? Okay. A 16 year old kid

00:50:46.640 does that, but a grown ass man shouldn't do that. And I think that's, that's part

00:50:51.800 of it. Why is because, yeah, you know, I don't want to hurt them, but you're

00:50:55.740 exactly right. It's more of the, they disappear because they don't want to have

00:51:00.460 that hard conversation. They don't want to, they don't want to screw up the

00:51:04.860 narrative that they have created in their own head of a good guy. No, you're, you're a

00:51:09.660 shitty person if you just kind of go to somebody and walk off like that. And I

00:51:13.860 think that's part of it right there is they just don't, it, it goes against the

00:51:18.140 narrative that they've created about themselves. And so they don't, they don't

00:51:21.540 want to do that. I mean, I think about it with my relationship with my children,

00:51:25.520 you know, I have to have difficult conversations with my kids when they're

00:51:28.360 out of line or they do something they shouldn't, or they need to learn a lesson

00:51:31.640 about life that, that I have to help them see in some way. Uh, and, and I don't hold

00:51:37.040 back on those conversations. Most fathers don't, I think we could always do a

00:51:40.640 better job in the way that we deliver those lessons or that discipline, you

00:51:43.600 know, maybe with a little bit more tenderness than we, we are, we default to,

00:51:47.800 I would say, at least that's the case for me. Right. Uh, but I don't shy away from

00:51:52.980 those conversations because I love my kids more than I love myself. Like I, I need, I

00:52:00.760 know that this is what they need. And so I'm willing to sacrifice my wellbeing or

00:52:07.520 my emotions or my desire to not rock the boat because I'm putting my kids as

00:52:12.860 needs ahead of my own. And that's what we do for people that we love and care

00:52:17.100 about. Right. No. Um, it's, it's interesting. It's, it's not only having those

00:52:22.860 different conversations, but, um, you and I haven't talked about, about this

00:52:27.260 offline, but I listened to one of your, um, most recent episodes, um, uh, um,

00:52:33.440 parenting world. Okay. John, is it John Gary Bishop? Oh yeah. Yeah. Grow up. Okay. I, I

00:52:38.920 listened to that. Loved that. Absolutely loved that. And, um, you know, I too was

00:52:43.760 estranged from my father for a long time. And, um, it's not just having the

00:52:49.740 conversation, the difficult conversations of, um, being the parent and stepping in

00:52:55.220 and maybe potentially having conflict because you love them and want something

00:52:57.940 better. But I also think it's that being, being open enough to go, Hey, I don't

00:53:04.500 have the answers right now. You know, I don't know what I'm doing or I am

00:53:08.040 screwing up. And I think that, that is, that's some powerful stuff. And I remember

00:53:12.780 listening to that and I appreciated hearing it that in that conversation. And I know

00:53:17.040 I've lived that with my, my kids and sometimes too, you can go way off the deep

00:53:20.820 end. I mean, granted, I probably have gone, you know, aired on both sides.

00:53:24.520 Um, but I think that, um, that's an important part as well is to have the

00:53:30.960 tough conversation. Sometimes the tough conversation is, um, and I'm not saying

00:53:35.200 I'm being, you know, some, you know, open, open simp on anything, but I'm just

00:53:38.980 like, Hey, you know what? Hey, this is, I'm having a hard time with this, or this

00:53:42.720 doesn't, you know, this isn't working or here's what I'm thinking or feeling on

00:53:45.480 it. And, um, I think just the traction you get and respect you get, um, moves any

00:53:51.900 relationship forward, whether it's with your kids, whether it's with another

00:53:55.840 person, anything. And yet we, um, we've kind of been raised to, you know, like I

00:54:02.280 say, go back to the chameleon, you know, Oh, we'll have to adapt. I have to look

00:54:05.100 this way in this situation, or I should do this. Well, what feels right for you

00:54:09.380 in your, what feels right for you right then in that situation? What do you feel

00:54:13.000 that it needs? What do you feel that if you're talking with someone like with my

00:54:15.920 kids, one of the biggest lessons, um, I've had a hard year with my kids.

00:54:20.320 Okay. Yes. Yeah. It happens just cause they're grounded.

00:54:23.420 Okay. So, um, you know, I think that was the, that's the hard one is just to go,

00:54:29.380 Hey, I'm trying to put yourself in their shoes. You know, I have to think of what,

00:54:36.080 what, what I wanted from my dad when I, when my kid was 25 years old, I have to now

00:54:41.020 think of with my 25 year old and go, okay. And just trying to reframe that and,

00:54:46.620 um, be in the moment. So I've said, be, be in the now with it. Where is he right

00:54:52.700 now at this? And how can I try and meet him with that in the hard conversations

00:54:57.140 and even including the hard conversations about myself with it as well.

00:55:01.760 I think that can work really well that you're talking about the honesty, the

00:55:05.960 openness, the humility to say, I don't have this figured out. I'm on the path to

00:55:09.520 with, with the people you care about, or even the people you're leading.

00:55:12.340 Right. I think that can work for a man, but I, but I also think there's a caveat.

00:55:16.580 And that caveat is that you have to be willing to show people that you're doing

00:55:20.460 something about it because the alternative is, I don't know, I don't know what I'm

00:55:25.000 doing. And then it just becomes an excuse. It's just ignorance and stupidity and

00:55:29.300 childness being childish. But if you say, you know what, I don't know what I'm doing.

00:55:34.440 I'm trying to figure this out. I'm navigating this divorce. For example, I'm navigating.

00:55:38.520 And I've talked to my children about this. Hey guys, like, look, I'm navigating this transition

00:55:42.460 just like you are. I'm going to tell you right now, I don't have all the answers,

00:55:46.460 but here's what I know. And here's what I'm doing to make sure that we're moving in the

00:55:51.100 right direction. So you can be open and honest, but don't end the conversation by making yourself

00:55:56.360 look foolish or incapable of growing. Let people know what the path is. And then most importantly,

00:56:02.160 let them see you executing on what you said you're going to do.

00:56:05.940 Yeah. Thousand percent. Yeah. I mean, look, I mean, if you've ever led people before in

00:56:10.320 business or anything, it's like, look, don't, don't come to me. It's okay to not have the

00:56:13.880 answer, but how am I finding out the answer? What am I doing about that? How am I, what am

00:56:19.540 I doing to work on the situation? I don't have figured out yet, but I'm moving there. And

00:56:24.020 that's it. But I see a lot of people falsely believe that, well, because I'm supposed to have

00:56:32.480 all the answers. And so they kind of fake their way through it and you end up screwing or doing

00:56:38.280 nothing about it. And they screw it up. I think that loses a lot of traction and it goes back to

00:56:44.460 anything, whether it's in business or with your kids or just even in relationships, just do what

00:56:50.340 you're saying to do. You know, Hey, if I can't call you tomorrow, if I can't call you for three

00:56:53.720 days, I can't call you for three days. Don't just go off the grid. You know, just say, show up and be

00:57:00.280 honest about it. And again, I keep coming back to that because it's something I hear so often with

00:57:06.160 the people that I deal with. And I'm, I'm, I'm sharing that with your audiences guys here. And as

00:57:11.880 men, look, you'd be stunned at how few people actually do that. And that more so than anything

00:57:17.860 is what a lot of people were, are really looking for, you know, it's just, we've been, you've been

00:57:23.520 burned somehow. So actually someone who just shows up and does what they say and is consistent

00:57:28.820 is, uh, that's, that's rocket fuel right there. It's good stuff.

00:57:34.500 Well, it's reliability, right? You know, we, we, as men value reliability in vehicles and technology.

00:57:42.280 And, you know, we, we, we were like, Oh, they don't make them like they used to. Right. That's what we

00:57:46.900 say. I've got this old 99 Toyota Tacoma sitting in my garage. I was going to sell that thing about

00:57:51.580 seven years ago, eight years ago or so. I'm so glad I didn't. That's the most reliable truck I've

00:57:55.740 ever had. And so I valued reliability. And yet we, as men fall so short in the reliability department

00:58:02.200 with our women or clients or our bosses, employers, et cetera, et cetera, our kids.

00:58:06.840 Yep. And you know, it, it, it all aspects, um, it, it's funny that reliability safety, um,

00:58:14.060 you know, one of the questions I get a lot too, from, you know, uh, and you mentioned this earlier

00:58:18.720 in the conversation, but, um, a question I get a lot from, from people I work with in my audience

00:58:24.080 is where the good men at, you know, all of that. Yeah. Of course. And I tell them to, I tell them,

00:58:29.020 you know, what guys like Ryan and people in the show and everything, uh, because they're, they're the

00:58:34.180 men who are trying to, to do better, but it is just that idea of, um, yeah. And that's a whole other

00:58:42.420 conversation on polarity and masculinity and all of that, but it's not, you know, it's not just

00:58:47.720 showing up what I deal with folks in midlife mostly. And so folks, you know, women primarily

00:58:54.600 in their forties, fifties and beyond, look, I mean, great. You're going to have people who are

00:58:58.060 hardcore, you know, one way or the other, but the comments I get so often from folks are, um, you

00:59:04.980 know, they didn't handle a strong woman. I go, that's bullshit. That's totally bullshit. It's just,

00:59:09.860 you know, there has, you have to give some room to allow the guy to be able to do it,

00:59:13.440 but the guy needs to actually step into that void. And there are so many guys who are confused

00:59:18.340 or they choose not to the simple things of making a plan. Okay. I mean, that, that I hear off

00:59:26.800 over and over again is, you know, some, like in a dating world, I mean, they've been at work,

00:59:34.200 they're doing something, they may run an organization, they do whatever. They don't want to do

00:59:38.280 that in their personal life. So just the simple act of showing up, making a plan, having something

00:59:43.920 designed already, following through on that. Not what do you want to do? Just being a simple

00:59:48.540 leader, things you do in any other aspect of your life. Again, you're not, you're not splitting the

00:59:53.580 atom, but these are things that we've let go by the wayside and we need to pick up and make a

01:00:00.260 consistent part of your practice in relationships and anything you do that. You make a plan in your

01:00:04.620 business, you make a plan with your kids, you just wing it, you know, and otherwise you're just

01:00:09.120 right. You're riding a wave and you have no control over that. This is something that you

01:00:13.000 have control and how you're showing up in any relationship whatsoever. Yeah. I always think

01:00:17.780 to your point earlier about finding good men, I thinking about just starting a dating service and

01:00:21.740 we'll have all the good men here vetted and ready to go. So that's kind of a joke, but actually

01:00:26.880 kind of maybe interested. Well, yeah, you know, it's, um, there's, there's a lot of merit to that

01:00:35.340 actually. So, yeah. Well, Bradley, tell me, uh, this has been a good, a good conversation. Obviously

01:00:41.100 I've been a fan of yours for, for some time now and, and have used your own information in my personal

01:00:45.820 life as I've navigated things in my life. Um, let the guys know where to get ahold of you, where to

01:00:50.960 learn more about what you're doing and, uh, and connect. Sure. Well, I appreciate it. I'm a big fan of

01:00:56.520 yours and your work too. And it's helped me personally as well. So I'm, I'm good. Hey,

01:00:59.960 I'm happy to return the favor on that. Um, so yeah, no, um, on social media, everything is I'm

01:01:06.280 Bradley Richardson. I am Bradley Richardson. It's, you know, advanced adulting and, um, the site is

01:01:12.160 I'm Bradley Richardson. And I, I work with people one-on-one and, uh, in a group and then have a

01:01:17.140 variety of courses, uh, as well. So pretty, pretty easy to get to. And the courses are, you know,

01:01:22.660 things like things like this, the, the, the stuff to help grown ass adults navigate midlife.

01:01:27.300 That's it. Yeah. Well, we'll sync everything up. We'll let the guys know exactly where to go so they

01:01:31.900 can learn more about what you're doing. Um, again, appreciate you taking time. Appreciate your words

01:01:36.100 of wisdom. I love your Instagram posts. You usually do a video a day, it seems like, or maybe every

01:01:39.940 couple of days. I don't know what your routine is, but I always try to catch those and, um, and, and

01:01:44.920 always get something from them, even if they're only 60 seconds, they're really powerful. So.

01:01:49.360 Thanks a lot. I really appreciate that. That, you know, that means a lot, but it means a lot

01:01:53.520 coming from you too. Cause that it's, I like to, I like to support good people doing good work and

01:01:58.340 you're one of them. So thank you very much. Thanks. All right, man, there you go. My

01:02:03.020 conversation with Bradley Richardson, that one was good because it felt like two buddies who've known

01:02:07.660 each other forever sitting around the, the game or having a drink or whatever we're doing and just

01:02:12.900 enjoying the conversation with, with somebody that cares about you, that you care about, that you both

01:02:17.700 want to see each other succeed. And I hope you feel the same way. So much information in there.

01:02:21.900 I would love for you to connect with Bradley. You can do that over on Instagram and Facebook and

01:02:26.580 Twitter or X and all the places, uh, he gave you his, uh, contact information. Also just take a

01:02:32.520 screenshot real quick and share this with another man or share it on social media and tag myself and

01:02:37.460 Bradley in those, uh, in those screenshots and let everybody know what you're listening to and

01:02:43.000 what tools you have available to use so they can hopefully use them in their life.

01:02:46.980 We don't do any advertising or anything like that. And it's a great way to share a message

01:02:51.560 that's important with other people. And it's a great way to help us continue to spread this

01:02:56.140 message message of reclaiming and restoring masculinity. Remember guys, the iron council is

01:03:02.180 officially open. We'll be open until the end of this month. So the end of September, 2023,

01:03:06.780 uh, just read you a quick testimonial from one of our guys. This one comes from Mitch Jameson,

01:03:11.120 who is a ranch owner, the Burley Maple staple, stable, excuse me. That's a tongue twister. Burley

01:03:16.860 Maple staple. There we go. He says, as a young man in my twenties, growing up without a father,

01:03:21.360 I felt a massive void in my masculine self. After joining the iron council, I've grown into a true

01:03:27.180 leader of men, an entrepreneur and the father to my own son that I never had. It takes work,

01:03:32.660 but I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the men by my side here in the iron council guys. You can check

01:03:38.820 that out at order of man.com slash iron council. All right, guys, we'll be back tomorrow for our

01:03:44.160 ask me anything until then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

01:03:49.100 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life

01:03:53.520 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - September 26, 2023

BRADLEY RICHARDSON ｜ Becoming a Secure, Confident Man

Episode Stats

Length

Words per Minute

Word Count

Sentence Count

Misogynist Sentences

Hate Speech Sentences

Summary

Transcript