Order of Man - September 08, 2021


Breaking the Hold of Pornography, Taking Life Too Seriously, and Becoming More Resilient ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

Topics
taking things seriously uprooting family moving across the country goal setting jujitsu resilience training confidence development for kids emotional leadership life balance metaphor external factors pornography addiction pornography
Hosted by
Ryan Michler
Mentioned
Pete Roberts Evan Berwick James Clear Bill Patton Jack Carr Mickler Ron Christopher Dylan Robinson Kyle Carpenter Amanda Roberts Austin Yardley John Eldridge Andy Frisilla Bedros Koulian Danny Alves Kip Sorensen Robert Taylor Bobby Katie Mark Manson Sean Whalen and 12 more
ZUBY ｜ Common Sense in Uncommon Times Rebuild and Remake Yourself ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats


Length

58 minutes

Words per minute

191.98

Word count

11,315

Sentence count

771

Harmful content

Misogyny

12

sentences flagged

Toxicity

6

sentences flagged

Hate speech

2

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

The Iron Council is a brotherhood of almost 1,000 men, all designed to equip you with the tools and conversations and resources and accountability and camaraderie that you need to thrive as a man. We're here to help you become the best fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders, whatever faculty of life you're showing up as.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.160 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.700 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
00:00:27.520 I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Today is your
00:00:32.400 Ask Me Anything. We've got some great questions fielding those questions from our members of
00:00:39.220 our exclusive brotherhood called the Iron Council. So if you're just joining the Order of Man
00:00:44.620 podcast and movement, the Iron Council is a brotherhood of almost 1,000 men now, all designed
00:00:52.340 to equip you with the tools and conversations and resources and accountability and camaraderie
00:00:57.940 that you need to thrive as a man. None of this lone wolf stuff, working together side by side,
00:01:03.960 shoulder to shoulder with other men who are on very similar paths as you. Some a little further
00:01:08.920 down the road, some a little further back, but all walking again, shoulder to shoulder to help each
00:01:14.080 other become the best fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders, whatever faculty of life
00:01:20.380 you're showing up as. So if you're interested in the Iron Council, check it out at orderofman.com
00:01:24.420 slash Iron Council. Guys, normally I do this, Ask Me Anything with my co-host, Kip Sorensen.
00:01:30.420 A little different today. He's taking care of some things because I'm recording this on Labor Day.
00:01:35.860 So he's laboring, I believe, at his lake property. They're doing some work out there. So
00:01:44.140 messaged me and said, Hey, you're riding solo on this one, which I'm fine with. We can do that.
00:01:48.360 For better or worse, you're going to have to listen to this one. So before I get into it,
00:01:52.720 just want to make a quick mention. It's starting to cool off here in Maine, which is where I live
00:01:56.880 and where our headquarters are. I've got some friends over at Origin Maine that are making some
00:02:02.120 incredible, incredible, durable goods, all 100% made and sourced in America. These are
00:02:07.420 geese and rash guards for jujitsu, but they've branched into multiple different types of denim,
00:02:13.140 also into boots. I have my bison boots on right now. As a matter of fact, I think it's the first
00:02:20.040 time that I've put them on since summer because we're starting to get into fall here, but they also
00:02:25.060 have a new product you need to check out and it launches this week. It's called the Heavy Hoodie.
00:02:29.800 And I know Pete, the founder of Origin has been thinking, planning, strategizing, and then putting
00:02:35.400 all the pieces in place for this particular hoodie for years now. And you might think, well,
00:02:39.780 what's different about this? Well, the fact that it's 100% made and sourced in America,
00:02:43.540 but it's got a lot of unique little things, features that aren't available with a normal
00:02:48.880 hoodie. Number one, it's heavier. It's a lot heavier material. So definitely going to keep
00:02:52.960 you warmer, especially if you're in cold weather places like we are here in Maine. It's got a nice
00:02:57.800 zip pocket and instead of a drawstring, it's got snaps. So it's pretty unique. I think you guys are
00:03:04.020 going to like it. Check it out. You can check that out at originmaine.com, originmaine.com
00:03:08.920 and use the code ORDER at checkout. You'll save some money for our D-E-R at checkout.
00:03:14.180 All right, guys, let's get into these questions. Again, we're fielding them from our exclusive
00:03:18.020 brotherhood, the Iron Council, orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Let's kick things off with
00:03:23.940 Dylan Robinson. He says, how do you be present and honest with yourself? In other words, how to
00:03:31.180 quote unquote, keep your world small? Well, I mean, this is crucial, right? Being present and honest
00:03:36.920 with yourself because it's very easy for us to convince ourselves that the way we're thinking
00:03:44.060 about ideas and challenges and strategies and solutions is all accurate and correct.
00:03:52.580 And I'm probably more guilty of this than anybody else because I think my way is right. I tend to be
00:03:59.340 pretty stubborn, tend to have an opinion about everything and never at a lack or loss of being
00:04:05.880 able or having the desire to share it. So this concept of being present and honest with yourself
00:04:12.780 can actually be a challenge because it's very easy to put ourselves into these echo chambers where
00:04:20.320 we're sharing things and we're only surrounding ourselves with information, people, sources,
00:04:26.780 news outlets, et cetera, et cetera, that are going to just reaffirm our world beliefs.
00:04:32.980 So for me, being honest with yourself, being present with yourself is a couple of different
00:04:38.220 things. Number one, doing an after action review and really analyzing how you're behaving, how you're
00:04:46.160 thinking, how you're processing, how you're taking action every single day. And this is not just to pat
00:04:51.960 yourself on the back, but this is also to critically analyze where you're falling short, where you're
00:04:57.840 struggling, where you need to do better, how exactly you're going to do better, and then start
00:05:02.520 formulating little micro strategies for improvement tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the
00:05:07.500 next day and so on. Number two is I think this really is going to help if you can learn to be more
00:05:16.780 humble. Humility is really, really going to actually, let me say it this way, getting rid of the ego and
00:05:27.200 maybe that's humility, or maybe it's just knocking down the ego and not believing that your success is
00:05:33.260 just linked with being the best, always performing at a hundred percent, always performing as a master and
00:05:42.160 instead let the ego go and realize that you need to fail. You need to flounder. You need to struggle.
00:05:47.720 You need to thrust yourself into new environments and situations and circumstances that are
00:05:52.160 uncomfortable. Jiu-jitsu is one we talk about all the time. It's a great example of that. Or asking
00:05:59.960 powerful questions or having conversations that are risky or speaking in front of people or on stage.
00:06:08.060 These are all things that you can do that you're going to really struggle with initially. I know I do.
00:06:12.160 But that struggle is a pretty good indicator that you're uncomfortable and that it might be moving
00:06:17.580 you towards a better solution. And then the third thing I would say, so again, we have after action
00:06:23.740 review, we have humility, the mindset of humility or letting go of the ego. And then the third is
00:06:28.300 making sure that you're surrounding yourself with sources you aren't used to surrounding yourself by
00:06:33.300 and trying not to come up with any sort of defense mechanism or rationalization or justification
00:06:40.620 about why these individuals were wrong, but just entertaining the idea, right? I can't remember who said it,
00:06:45.540 but they said that it's a sign of intelligence. And I'm paraphrasing here. And I'm also going to butcher it
00:06:49.820 to be able to entertain an idea without accepting it or embracing it, something along those lines.
00:06:55.780 And I think all too often, if we hear conflicting advice or ideas with our own personal ideology or
00:07:03.120 worldview, that we're so quick to just brush it off, to dismiss it, to mock it, to ridicule it, 1.00
00:07:08.900 to say anybody who would think like that is stupid. And I don't really think that's generally the case. 0.99
00:07:14.300 Instead, what I would challenge you to do, and I challenge myself to do this, although I'm still
00:07:19.000 working towards it, is just entertaining the idea. Well, let me listen to this. Let me consider it.
00:07:26.040 What would happen if this played out? Why does this person believe that? Or in what situation does
00:07:31.100 this work? And so really, in a way, red teaming, we've talked about that in the past, these ideas
00:07:37.440 and concepts without any preconceived notion and letting go of the preconceived notion and just asking
00:07:42.260 yourself what would happen if this idea played out. It's going to make you a more well-rounded
00:07:46.880 individual, more intelligent, and only one of two things is going to happen. You're either going
00:07:51.180 to solidify your current perspective, which is fine if you feel like that's the outlet or the
00:07:56.340 correct path, or you'll learn new information that's going to cause you to move and act and
00:08:01.240 behave differently moving forward, which is also good if you have a new perspective and it causes you
00:08:05.840 to change your environment or to perform better, then that's a win. So you're always going to win
00:08:12.380 if you do it that way. So I hope that helps, Dylan. Number two, this one comes from
00:08:16.760 my good friend, Ron Christopher. He says, this is for Ryan, which is good. He didn't know it was
00:08:22.760 just going to be me today. He thought it was going to be Kip and I. So this is for me. Good. Cause I'm
00:08:26.160 here. He says, do you ever wonder if you are taking things or excuse me, taking everything too
00:08:31.140 seriously? I feel like I am not laughing enough, although I am killing it in all areas. Ron, I got
00:08:37.240 to tell you, man, I actually feel very much the same way. I'm a serious person by nature.
00:08:42.460 So I think if I'm going to err in my seriousness versus silliness spectrum, it's probably going to
00:08:55.520 err on the side of being serious, being dedicated, being committed, being all in, taking things
00:09:01.860 seriously, like moving forward in the right direction. And this is definitely a personality
00:09:06.400 issue. And I don't think issue is probably not the right word because it's not wrong,
00:09:10.460 right? You've got people who are funny. You've got people who are serious. You've got
00:09:14.860 people who are both. You've got people who are on one complete end or opposite or extreme of the
00:09:20.740 other. And it's not wrong. But I do want to smile. I do want to laugh. I do want to enjoy. I do want
00:09:28.500 to at times soak life in and not be so serious about moving forward through my task list or completing
00:09:35.380 all of my objectives, which is funny because this morning I spent about 20 or 30 minutes working
00:09:40.720 with my battle planner and actually going through and figuring out what I needed to get accomplished
00:09:45.280 today. And I derive a tremendous sense of satisfaction and value and fulfillment from getting
00:09:51.320 my shit done. So I like being serious, but if you're feeling like you're too serious, I would ask 0.92
00:09:59.380 yourself and I'm, I'm needing to ask myself these questions as well is what, what makes you smile?
00:10:06.340 When, when do you just relax and enjoy? When's the last time you really laughed? And I'm talking like
00:10:12.760 a belly laugh and just enjoy it. When's the last time you were silly with your kids or you got on the 0.98
00:10:18.580 dance floor with your wife, or you did something that you've never done before. And also that you do 0.97
00:10:25.320 things that are just intrinsically valuable as a hard charger and a high achiever and a, uh, a list
00:10:31.720 checker offer, I would say somebody who just wants to check off the list. Sometimes we only do things
00:10:36.540 that are going to quote unquote, move the needle. Uh, and instead of it being that maybe there's value
00:10:45.340 in just doing things for the sake of doing them, going to the lake, for example, are you checking off a
00:10:51.640 box? I mean, maybe you're developing and nurturing relationships with your friends or your family,
00:10:57.100 but you're just there and you're present in the moment. And I think that level of presence and just
00:11:01.640 doing it because it's intrinsically valuable, not because you're checking it off a list,
00:11:05.520 uh, is, is really going to help you lighten up, loosen up a little bit and enjoy life in
00:11:11.500 a just as fulfilling, rewarding way from a different perspective. Hope that helps Ron. You and me are in
00:11:17.860 the same boat on that one. So, um, there you go. All right. Bobby Katie says for both of you,
00:11:23.120 he's talking about Kip and myself. Uh, he says, who do you look up to for inspiration or mentorship?
00:11:29.040 And what are my current goals? Well, as far as who I look up to for, for inspiration and motivation
00:11:35.240 and all that kind of stuff, I mean, go, go through, go through my, my guests on the podcast.
00:11:41.300 I mean, we've had some phenomenal, phenomenal guests over the past six years. And these are
00:11:47.720 all individuals that I reached out to that I deliberately and intentionally connected with
00:11:53.900 because these are guys I wanted to have conversations with. In fact, when I started
00:11:57.100 order of man, really one of the goals was to be able to have conversations with people. I admired
00:12:01.880 people. I respected people that, uh, I felt had some value to offer, uh, guys who were succeeding in
00:12:09.540 one or more areas of life. And so I reached out to these individuals and, uh, that that's why I had
00:12:14.980 them on the podcast. So if you ever are curious about where I turned to for inspiration, just go
00:12:19.460 look at the list of podcast guests. And you can know that we've had guys like John Eldridge and James
00:12:25.280 Clear, uh, Mark Manson. We've had Andy Frisilla. We've had Sean Whalen. We've had Ed Milet. We've had
00:12:32.360 Dakota Meyer, Jocko, Pete Roberts, Tim Kennedy, uh, Kyle Carpenter, Andy Stumpf. I mean, the,
00:12:40.880 the guys who I look to, it's all listed right out there for you. So if you're wondering where I go
00:12:47.920 to look for inspiration, that's where I go. But I also get inspiration from you and other guys in
00:12:52.820 the iron council and people who I interact with on social media, I feel like everybody has something
00:12:57.980 to share. And it's my job as the person interacting with individuals to extract the value that they
00:13:05.880 bring to the table. And sometimes that's readily apparent and other times you have to dig a little
00:13:11.280 bit, but everybody has something valuable to share. Uh, even the guy on the, you know, the street
00:13:16.840 corner, uh, asking for money. There's, there's some value there. There's some lessons there that you can
00:13:22.240 extract that you can learn from and that you can improve and get better in, in any environment or
00:13:27.900 circumstance or situation you find yourself in. So look for it. If you're looking for it, you'll find it.
00:13:33.220 But if you want to know who I turned to you for inspiration and motivation, you've got a lineup of
00:13:37.280 300 plus guests at this point. And I turned to all of them. Uh, as far as goals, what, what do I,
00:13:43.720 what do I have that I want to achieve? Well, obviously I want to continue to grow order of man.
00:13:47.340 It's very important. And for the next 90 days, I'm very, very focused on running, uh, successful
00:13:53.080 events. We just got done with our first wedding here at our property in Maine. Uh, and then we have
00:13:58.740 our father son event. We've got our main event. Uh, and then we've got in the spring, we've got
00:14:04.460 another event with Bajos Koulian out of California. Who's coming here to Maine to run one of his squire
00:14:09.160 programs, uh, uh, here in Maine. So yeah, that's the big focus for me right now. Um, outside of that,
00:14:18.940 I've got some hunting goals cause I've got about three hunts in the next 90 to 120 days. So I'm
00:14:24.980 planning and preparing and getting ready for those things. And, uh, so those are, those are the two
00:14:29.760 biggest goals on my mind right now. And by the way, if you're curious about goal setting and how
00:14:35.060 we do it here, how I do it personally, and how thousands of other men have done it, then go to
00:14:39.580 order a man.com slash battle ready order a man.com slash battle ready. And you can go through a series
00:14:46.500 of emails over 30 days that are going to get you geared up for creating your own goals and making the
00:14:52.180 last three to four months of this year, the most, uh, successful for you, whatever that looks like.
00:14:58.860 This is from Bill Patton. He says, what tips can you provide for uprooting the family to a new
00:15:04.920 state? This is one that I get quite a bit because, uh, many of, you know, two years ago,
00:15:09.800 a little over two years now, uh, my wife and I uprooted our family. And, uh, of course our four
00:15:16.340 children with that and move from Southern Utah to rural Maine. Uh, and it was, it was a big
00:15:23.080 challenge and there was a lot of concerns and questions and, uh, hesitancy and is this going to
00:15:30.200 work and doubt and fear and uncertainty and all of that stuff. Uh, but I'm happy to announce that
00:15:35.460 over the past two years, it's been one of the best decisions that we've ever made. Uh, and, and I wish I
00:15:41.740 had some, some perfect formula for you to, you know, do these 10 things when moving across the
00:15:48.740 country. I don't really know if it's that I tend to be pretty intuitive in nature. And so I don't
00:15:54.500 need to get into like, well, it's the one through 10. It's just, does this feel right? Yes, it feels
00:15:59.540 right. Good go. And we'll figure it out along the way. It's always been my personality. Uh, so what would
00:16:04.520 I say though? I would say, obviously know where you're moving, know what the culture is like, uh, try to
00:16:10.700 meet people as quickly as you possibly can know that this is important, uh, that it's not the new
00:16:17.000 community or neighborhoods obligation to welcome you and embrace you in the fold. It's your
00:16:22.100 responsibility to put yourself in, in the environment, put yourself out there. And I feel
00:16:26.920 like my wife and I over the past, a little over two years now have done a very good job entrenching
00:16:31.760 ourselves in the community, but that wasn't because everybody rushed to, to welcome us with open arms.
00:16:38.540 We had Pete Roberts and Amanda Roberts, his wife, who of course did, and other friends who were very
00:16:43.480 welcoming and we've made friends and neighbors and things like that, but we also got involved.
00:16:48.280 And if there's one thing I could tell you that you need to do is to get involved, get involved in
00:16:52.360 church, get involved in, if your kids are going to school, get involved in their, uh, their, their
00:16:57.160 schooling or their PTA meetings or their school board meetings, get involved in sports. If you have
00:17:02.400 kids, again, you're talking about moving a family, then, uh, volunteer to coach youth sports. You'll meet
00:17:08.140 other men. You'll meet dads who are somewhat probably like-minded to you. Um, but get involved,
00:17:13.900 uh, go to the gym, train jujitsu. You're going to find other guys there. The more that you can
00:17:19.220 personally do to get involved in the community, the more successful you're going to be. Uh, and then
00:17:25.380 also remember with kids, uh, that they're going to have a challenge. They're leaving friends.
00:17:29.580 I think it's more easy for, uh, adults to manage leaving friends because they realize that that's
00:17:36.360 the sacrifice that might need to be made to go on this adventure, to have this experience, but kids
00:17:41.600 don't quite fully understand that. Mine didn't. Uh, so we're, we're very, uh, aware of the
00:17:48.880 conversations that we have and how are you feeling about things and are you liking things and what
00:17:53.840 don't you like and how can we create a better experience? And we're looking for ways of course,
00:17:58.200 to serve our children too, so that they, uh, make the most of this, this time that we have
00:18:02.940 here, however long it may be. Okay. Hope that helps, man. And good luck. If you have any more
00:18:07.540 questions, let me know, Bill. All right. This one comes from Tyson Yunkers. It says he just, uh,
00:18:12.360 finished up the four agreements. And by the way, the four agreements, uh, is the book that we're
00:18:16.400 reading for the month of September in the iron council. And we're focusing on creating your new
00:18:22.640 reality, creating your new reality. Uh, and, uh, so again, the four agreements is the book. He said,
00:18:28.600 it made me think of something I see a lot in the iron council. How would you recommend turning a daily
00:18:33.580 objective, like quote, following the four agreements into a tangible task that, you know,
00:18:40.780 you're making progress in. So this goes back to the question about goal setting. Uh, a lot of people,
00:18:46.560 when they set goals, what men will do is they're very, they're very generic. They're, they're,
00:18:53.700 they're, they're worthy goals. They're, they're worthy of, of aspiring to, but they're so generic
00:19:00.180 that it would be very easy for anybody to just kind of like waffle through it. So like, for example,
00:19:05.820 he's saying, how do you, how do you turn something like, I want to follow the four agreements into a
00:19:11.700 tangible objective? Cause that's what you need to do. Like if you said, I'm going to go
00:19:16.540 run a race and I'm going to win. Well, and that's all you said, like, what do you, what are we
00:19:20.860 talking about here? Are we talking about the 50 yard sprint? Are we talking about an 800 meter
00:19:25.260 run? Are we talking about doing a marathon or a half marathon or even an ultra endurance event?
00:19:29.720 Like what exactly are we talking about? Cause if you're saying, Hey, I'm going to beat you from here
00:19:34.240 to here. And that's 10 feet away. Like, okay, well that's actually measurable or, Hey, I'm going to
00:19:38.460 beat you in a, uh, you know, a marathon. Okay. 26 miles. That's, that's measurable. So it has to be
00:19:45.080 something that you can quantify. Otherwise, how do you know if you're moving the needle?
00:19:48.620 So if you take the four agreements, one of the agreements is to be impeccable with your word.
00:19:53.260 What I would personally do is I would say, okay, if this is my focus that I want to learn to better
00:20:00.420 become impeccable with my word, then what I'm going to do is I'm going to break that down.
00:20:04.680 And I'm going to do an after action review at the end of every day. And I'm going to go through
00:20:08.720 all of the commitments I made, all of the requests that I received, all the conversations that I had,
00:20:15.860 and I'm going to write down what I said I would do. I said, I would do this podcast or have this
00:20:21.220 conversation or help this buddy move or, uh, you know, give to this charitable organization.
00:20:27.460 Like these are all the things I committed to. And at the end of the day, you look at it and say,
00:20:31.460 okay, well, which did I do? And what didn't I do? And the, which did you do? You check off the list
00:20:36.360 and the, which didn't you do? You make a plan for doing it the very next day. And if you did that
00:20:41.420 every single day for 30 or 60 or 90 days, you can see how you would actually be moving the needle
00:20:48.100 towards being impeccable with your word. Now it's just not up for interpretation. It's, it's quantifiable.
00:20:57.280 Did I do that after action review every single day so that I could achieve ultimately what I want to
00:21:05.320 achieve, but I don't know that, uh, I'm going to back up here. I don't know that having an objective,
00:21:12.400 like following the four agreements is really a goal. Anyways, I would say that's more of a tactic.
00:21:20.040 Like why, why do you want to follow the four agreements? Well, because I want to build a
00:21:24.960 deeper relationship with my wife. Got it. Okay. That's the goal, right? You want to have a deeper
00:21:30.400 relationship with your wife and you're going to utilize the four agreements in order to achieve
00:21:35.340 that. Or you want to become a more confident man. Okay. Got it. That's the goal. And the tactic,
00:21:42.820 the way that you're going to do it is to not take things personally, to be impeccable with your word,
00:21:47.180 to actually follow the four agreements. And if you do that, then you're confident that you're going to
00:21:51.400 be a more confident man in 90 days or so. So again, don't confuse tactic with objective.
00:22:01.920 Okay. The, you have three main components of this. You have your vision, which is, I would say
00:22:07.160 really your, your why it's more, it's more closely linked with your why. Like, why do you want,
00:22:15.040 I want to become a good man. I want to be the best father that I can be. It's like grounded in the why,
00:22:19.620 like really drives you and, and, and, and keeps you going. That's the vision. Next, you have your
00:22:25.640 objective. The objective is the what, right? So what exactly do I need to do? Like, what is it that
00:22:33.100 I'm reaching towards? If, if it's, I want to secure a promotion in 90 days, that's a good objective.
00:22:39.220 That's a worthy objective. It's the what secure a promotion. I want to salvage my marriage. Good.
00:22:45.360 That's the what that's exactly what you want to accomplish. I want to be more deeply connected
00:22:50.780 with my kids. Uh, I want to lose a 50 pounds. You can see what I'm saying. These are the objectives.
00:22:57.460 That's the what, so we have the why is the vision, the, what is the objective, and then you have the
00:23:02.180 how that's the tactic. So if the, what is, I want to be more connected with my wife and salvage our
00:23:09.520 relationship, then the tactic is the how, how am I going to do that? I'm going to follow the four
00:23:13.720 agreements. I'm going to let her know. I appreciate her. I'm going to take her on a date night each
00:23:17.460 and every week. We're going to do a evening, or I should say a daily conversation. I'm going to
00:23:22.040 leave a little note or shoot her a text in the middle of the day and tell her I appreciate her.
00:23:25.480 These are all tactics. These are strategies. This is the, how you're going to accomplish the task,
00:23:31.120 the what, which is going to move you towards your ultimate why, which is the vision that you have
00:23:35.640 for yourself. It's a lot of words in there. So they're not big words, but there's a lot of words.
00:23:40.540 I just rambled off. So if you need to like hit pause and go back and listen to that, it's very,
00:23:45.280 very important. The why, the what, and the how. Hope that helps Tyson. All right, let's go to
00:23:51.940 Roger Taylor from team atomic. He says, are there any activities or exercises, uh, that you practice
00:23:58.500 in order to become more resilient mentally or emotionally in preparation for future challenges?
00:24:05.660 Yeah. You know, I, there's one right off hand that comes to mind that you guys are probably sick of
00:24:12.520 hearing me talk about, and that's jujitsu. That's, that's actually challenged me. Yes.
00:24:18.100 Physically. Sure. But also mentally and emotionally, because you have bad days, you have hard days.
00:24:23.040 There's days you don't feel like training that you just get up in the morning, uh, and you go do it
00:24:27.760 anyways, because you want to be impeccable with your word, which we just talked about from the four
00:24:31.620 agreements. So yeah, there's, there's, there's one right there. And I do that four to five days
00:24:38.220 per week, even when I don't feel like it and the lessons that I learn and how I feel about myself,
00:24:44.620 the confidence I develop, the assertiveness that I have, the way that I can begin to look at
00:24:51.840 situations and angles and perspectives that I couldn't previously. Jujitsu has been a big help for
00:24:58.940 that. So yes, it's more physical in nature to the casual observer, but underneath the surface is
00:25:07.660 this real mental and emotional challenge. Kip, Kip actually talked about it as a mental battle.
00:25:15.860 Uh, for those of you who are following along, Kip just got his black belt. Uh, and I was going to
00:25:20.820 ask him today, if he joined us, I was going to ask him if he, you know, how he's, how he's been
00:25:24.480 feeling over the past, you know, week and a half to two weeks since getting his black belt. If he's,
00:25:27.980 you know, been securing promotions and, uh, having to ward off the advancements of beautiful women, 1.00
00:25:32.860 just because he has black belt. So I was going to ask him that we'll have to ask him next week,
00:25:36.400 but, uh, he did also talk about the mental battle that it's been over the 10 plus years that he's been
00:25:43.180 training. So that's personally what I do. And then I do that after action review to get a real
00:25:50.140 objective look at how I'm performing, where I'm doing well, and also where I'm falling short.
00:25:55.260 And that's important that you analyze that too. Eric Gentry says, uh, what are your strategies
00:26:01.620 for instilling self-confidence in your kids? Yeah. I really liked this question. Instilling
00:26:07.020 self-confidence in your kids. Here's what I would say just generally, and then we can work backwards
00:26:12.200 into this a little bit. The way that any person develops confidence is by doing things that he did
00:26:19.160 not previously think himself capable of doing. That's how period bottom line, end of story.
00:26:26.620 Anything else is not confidence. It might be bravado or false machismo or, uh, just, just arrogance
00:26:35.000 or excessive pride. Notice I say excessive because you should be proud about things. Um, not everything,
00:26:40.620 but you should be proud of your, your achievements and the things you're doing well. But if it gets
00:26:45.120 an excess, it becomes an issue. Uh, but confidence on the other hand is something that's, that's earned.
00:26:50.680 He went to battle. You had to, you had to speak in public. Uh, you had to share an opinion or
00:26:58.880 perspective that you thought, you know, wasn't well, well liked or wouldn't belt be well received.
00:27:04.300 And yet you still had to share it because you had an obligation responsibility to do it.
00:27:07.800 Or you made a commitment to go to gym, the gym. And so you're, you're going to do it because you
00:27:14.920 committed to doing it. And so these are all exercises, uh, and strategies for how you personally
00:27:21.780 can develop confidence in yourself. Now I know your question was, how do you instill this in your
00:27:28.300 children? It's the exact same way. No, if you want confidence in your children, that they're going to
00:27:34.320 have to battle with things and overcome things that they didn't previously think themselves capable
00:27:39.740 of. These can be minor things, by the way, like clean your room. What child wants to clean their
00:27:46.380 room? But if you give them the assignment and you say, I need you to clean your room. And here's the
00:27:50.620 standard that I expect. And here's when it needs to be done by. And they go and they clean it and
00:27:54.960 they're going to gripe and they're going to moan and complain because that's what kids do. And they
00:27:58.500 don't want to clean the room. And I get it. Who wants to clean the room? But this is what you have
00:28:02.240 them do at the end. I promise you, regardless of how they felt when they do it, their head's going
00:28:07.520 to be a little higher. Their shoulders are going to be a little further back. Their chest is going
00:28:10.400 to be propped out a little bit because they feel good about getting something done. Something as
00:28:14.420 simple as cleaning the room. Or here's another one. Very small is one thing that, uh, we have a
00:28:20.580 rule in our house that when we sit down at the dinner table and there's something new, maybe it's
00:28:27.300 a new fruit or a new dish or a new this or a new that our kids have to try it.
00:28:32.240 They have to try it. They don't have to like it. They don't have to enjoy it. They don't have to
00:28:36.360 eat all of it a lot of the times, but we do require that they try it. And we just built a
00:28:42.180 phrase around this. We try new things. Mickler tried new things. We try new things. That's what
00:28:46.760 we do. And it's funny because, you know, every once in a while they'll get like the pickles out
00:28:50.880 and I'm like, I'm not eating that pickle. And my kids will say, well, dad, we try thing. We try new
00:28:55.460 things. I'm like, well, I've had a pickle before, but they still try to use that against me.
00:28:58.640 Um, but the reason I bring that up is because even though they may not like, like we had mango
00:29:03.400 the other day and my youngest was like, I don't want to eat that. I'm like a mango. Like you,
00:29:06.920 you've never eaten a mango. Hey, that's weird. But also like it's a mango. It's delicious.
00:29:12.100 And he didn't want to eat it, but we said, Hey, Mickler's trying, try new things. So he didn't,
00:29:16.380 he ate the mango. Um, and you know, he didn't totally like it, but I think he was just trying to
00:29:21.280 play it off because he didn't want to be wrong. Cause that's his personality. Probably gets
00:29:25.240 that from his mom. Definitely not me. Uh, and, uh, but anyways, he, he built up a little confidence
00:29:34.000 cause even though he didn't like it, I'm like, cool, at least you tried it. And that was it.
00:29:36.620 And he built up confidence cause he did something that he didn't want to do. Uh, and he did it
00:29:41.100 anyways. And that's how you develop confidence in kids. Now this could also work in more meaningful
00:29:46.620 scenarios. Like, Hey, I need you to take on a specific task. I need you to accomplish this
00:29:53.820 thing around the house. Um, I, I know you just started baseball and you're not really enjoying
00:29:58.500 it, uh, but you need to finish, or I know you really want to get that starting catching position.
00:30:03.720 And so you and I are going to work on getting the drills and the fundamentals and the throwing and
00:30:09.220 everything right so that you can earn that starting position. And then you do it and your son or
00:30:13.600 daughter, they get better and they improve and they earn their starting position and they're
00:30:17.940 going to feel better about it. But what does not develop confidence is not pushing on them at all.
00:30:24.340 So this is, I think more of the, the, the wokeness, the helicopter parenting, the, what I've dubbed
00:30:32.840 the doctrine of popular culture, where we really try to create these environments for our kids where
00:30:37.960 they don't feel any sort of hardship or challenge or struggle or awkwardness or discomfort.
00:30:43.600 Uh, and, and it's just not helpful. Like if you're just sheltering your kids from anything
00:30:50.240 that's hard, whether it's trying new food, eating your spinach to, Hey, you said you're going to be
00:30:56.700 on the baseball team and you don't like it, but you got to finish out the year because you made a
00:30:59.780 commitment to doing it. And wherever it might fall on that, that range of things that could be,
00:31:04.800 they have to be in difficult and uncomfortable situations. And your job is not to shelter them from
00:31:10.520 it. Your job is to expose them to those things in controlled environments and then make sure they
00:31:17.180 follow through with it by giving them the mindset, by showing empathy, by helping them develop the
00:31:22.740 tools and the skills they need to be successful at that thing, at least somewhat successful so they
00:31:26.960 can feel good about it. That's your job. So find challenging things to varying degrees based on where
00:31:33.620 they're at and help them stick with it period. And when they're done, they're going to feel better
00:31:39.480 and they're going to have more confidence. And then you have to tie the two up. Hey, remember you
00:31:42.780 said you didn't want to finish the season. Well, Hey, you just had your last game and I don't know how
00:31:47.480 you feel about it, but I'm really proud of you because you stuck through something for months that
00:31:52.360 you didn't want to do. And grown, there's grown men who don't even do that. And you're acting
00:31:58.020 in a way that's going to benefit you and the people you care about and love. And you should
00:32:02.420 be very, very proud of that. And they start to see that connection. All right, let's go to Jay
00:32:08.880 Carlson. It's a little bit of a longer one. Okay, here we go. As men, we're supposed to be the leaders
00:32:14.520 of our household. Does that mean we lead in literally every aspect or are there areas our wives should 0.99
00:32:20.960 lead? There's more to this. I'm going to say first and foremost, we need to be careful of the
00:32:26.780 shoulda, coulda, all that kind of stuff. Like we should lead. They should lead. Where should they
00:32:30.560 lead? I think we're setting ourselves up for failure. And I'll explain that here in a minute.
00:32:34.480 He also goes on to say, my wife and I are separated. And when talking about our issues,
00:32:38.520 she struggles because she says, I'm not the emotional leader of our family. And she is.
00:32:43.140 I personally believe it has a lot to do with the difference between men and women 0.66
00:32:46.280 that we've talked about a lot here. I'm not the nurturing type. And she is, I'm more laid back with
00:32:51.800 my attitude where she is more anxious. I work and she's a stay at home mom. She has all
00:32:56.660 the kids' plans and upcoming activities always on her mind. And I don't. Some other things she
00:33:01.360 says she needs more vague. So I won't go into those, but these are just some examples. All that
00:33:05.960 said, are you guys the emotional leaders of your household? What does that look like for you?
00:33:11.800 Okay. So there's a lot here to unpack. Again, you said your first question, we are supposed to be the
00:33:17.860 leaders of the household. Does that mean we lead in literally every aspect? I would answer that
00:33:23.220 question. I'm trying to be thoughtful about this here. I would answer that question. Yes.
00:33:28.820 We need to lead in every aspect. Now, the way that we lead might be different. So for example,
00:33:34.820 if we're talking about the budget, okay, well, I'm going to take on the budget in my own personal
00:33:41.820 household, but in other households, it might work that the wife takes that upon herself and that you 0.99
00:33:47.820 need to ensure that gets done as the leader of your household, but that doesn't mean you need to do
00:33:53.000 everything. So making sure things get done and making sure you do it are not one of the same.
00:33:57.920 Let's remember that. Okay. But yeah, if you're talking about the emotional leader of your family,
00:34:03.740 I'm not really sure that the example you gave me equates to being the emotional leader.
00:34:11.600 Because I sense some hesitation. You said it, my wife and I are separated, but when talking about
00:34:18.760 our issue, she struggles because she says, I'm not the emotional leader of our family. She is.
00:34:23.760 But then you're saying here that you're not the nurturing type and she is. Okay. But that really
00:34:32.880 doesn't have anything to do with being the emotional leader of your family. He says, I'm a little bit more
00:34:38.800 laid back with my attitude where she's more anxious. Again, none of that relates to being
00:34:44.160 the emotional leader. To me, the emotional leader is somebody who's empathetic, who's somebody who's
00:34:50.800 understanding. You can read a scenario, you can read a situation, you can figure out what needs to be
00:34:55.900 said and what needs to be done and how you're going to move forward. That doesn't mean that you need to
00:35:00.600 be anxious. It doesn't mean that you need to, and then you were talking about her getting the kids
00:35:06.080 plan. And there's just like a lot here and none of it leads to being the emotional leader. I'll tell
00:35:13.140 you how I'm the emotional leader. Cause that was your last question in my family. And by the way,
00:35:18.220 being an emotional leader doesn't mean you're always being emotional. So let's not conflate the
00:35:24.520 two. Like the emotional leader, isn't the one who's flying off the rails and up and down and high
00:35:29.560 and low and emotion and crying and this and that, because there's supposed to be some sort of emotional
00:35:33.320 leader. The way that I look at being an emotional leader is being somebody who's resolute, who's
00:35:40.500 steadfast, who can read what my children need from me, who can read what my wife might need,
00:35:46.880 the support that she may need from me, and then doing it. And when things are uncomfortable or
00:35:53.680 challenging, or my wife's going through a hard time, or my kids are dealing with a situation with
00:35:59.080 another kid or their own thoughts, or they're having a difficult time, then it's my job as the
00:36:03.480 emotional leader to help those kids. And my wife understand what their emotions are teaching them
00:36:09.680 and then basing their course of action on the lessons they're learning from their emotions.
00:36:16.860 So the emotional leader is not just the like babbling, rambling, crying guy who's overly emotional
00:36:24.740 and sensitive with his feminine side. No, that's not it at all. To me, the emotional leader is somebody
00:36:33.180 who can see that people are struggling, see that they're not, see that they're doing well, see that
00:36:38.460 they're falling behind, see that they need help, being empathetic, trying to put yourself to some degree
00:36:44.120 in their shoes and see where they're coming from so that you can formulate a response that's going to
00:36:50.180 move the family forward in a positive direction. And by the way, also, I would say this is you say,
00:36:56.480 I'm more of the laid back with my attitude where she's more anxious. Okay. You're, you're kind of
00:37:03.140 talking like you're incapable of changing here. Well, I'm just a laid back guy. So like, she doesn't
00:37:07.440 get it. So what's the problem? Okay. Well, maybe you need to adapt a little bit. And she does too.
00:37:12.980 I'm not telling her she wouldn't, but maybe there's some opportunities for you to adapt.
00:37:17.240 You know, if she's not, she doesn't feel inspired or want to be led by the guy who's like, always
00:37:23.220 like, whatever, you know, just like, whatever, it's no big deal. Maybe she would like to see a
00:37:27.380 little bit more assertiveness from you. And may actually, maybe that would serve you better too.
00:37:32.920 Have you tried it? Are you willing to give it a try? Or are you just convinced that you're this
00:37:36.740 quote unquote laid back individual? Only you can answer that question, but it's something that you
00:37:41.820 really, really ought to consider because I'm really tired of hearing from guys, not in this scenario,
00:37:46.920 but guys who are like, zero F's mentality. I don't care what anybody else says. And this is
00:37:52.440 just the way I am. And if they can't deal with it, that's too bad. And I'm not saying that's what
00:37:56.620 you're alluding to here, but you're kind of starting to tiptoe around that line. And, and we're men,
00:38:03.260 which means that we're capable of evolving, adapt and overcome, evolve, get better, improve.
00:38:11.500 You can do that. You should do that. And being an emotional leader means that you're seeing,
00:38:19.400 Hey, my wife needs me to be more assertive in this particular scenario. I acknowledge that I
00:38:24.440 recognize that. And now I'm going to change my pattern of behavior to produce the desired result,
00:38:29.960 which might be to get your wife on board, to win her influence. I should say to earn her influence 0.91
00:38:35.320 and then to keep the family on track. And that's what an emotional leader would do.
00:38:40.540 Hope that helps Jay. Let me know. All right. This one is from how we do it on time here. We're at
00:38:45.440 about 45 minutes. So this one's from Evan Berwick. How do you know when your battle plan or goals
00:38:53.440 are pushing you hard enough versus pushing too hard in one area while doing my after action review,
00:39:00.000 seem to teeter between pushing hard and being more fulfilled or maintaining where I am while
00:39:07.640 keeping the other parts of my life balanced with less fulfillment and progress? Yeah. I mean,
00:39:13.600 you're talking about teetering between pushing hard and being more fulfilled or maintaining where you
00:39:18.600 are while getting the other parts of your life balanced. Okay. So you're actually onto the answer
00:39:22.880 right here, Evan. So you're talking about teetering and, and then you use the term balance,
00:39:28.560 life balance later on. So what a lot of people think life balance is, is equal distribution of
00:39:35.860 resources. And in this case, your time and your energy towards all the things that are important
00:39:40.880 to you. So I have a hundred percent of my time, 25% of my time goes to my family, 25% of my time goes
00:39:47.220 to my work, 25% of my time goes to me. And then 25% of my time goes to charitable organizations or
00:39:53.480 building my business or whatever. Right. So you just, you distribute it equally. And that's what
00:39:58.000 people think is balance. And then if they're off just a little bit, what they say is, oh,
00:40:01.700 my life's out of whack. Well, guys, that's not really what balance is. The scenario that I've
00:40:07.500 used or the analogy or metaphor, I don't know which one it is that I've used is that if you are
00:40:13.760 surfing and you're on your surfboard and you catch that wave and you pop up and you jump up on your feet,
00:40:21.260 are you applying your weight equally across the board? Are you evenly distributing it? Meaning,
00:40:28.160 are you putting 50% leaning forward, 50% leaning back? So you're kind of straight as a board in
00:40:32.680 the middle. Are you leaning, leaning to the left or the right equally? No, of course you're not doing
00:40:38.120 that. What you're doing is you're basing your distribution of weight on what the external factors
00:40:45.040 are doing. So if you're on the surfboard and the wave is pushing against you, you might need to lean
00:40:51.260 left or might need to lean right, might need to scoot up, might need to scoot back, might need to put
00:40:56.100 more weight on your front foot or weight on your back foot. The point I'm making is that you're going
00:41:00.260 to change and you're going to adapt and you're not always going to be perfectly centered. That would
00:41:07.720 work if there's no external forces, but this is life and there's external forces. There's our wife, 0.96
00:41:13.260 there's our children, there's our job, there's medical illness, there's layoffs and job loss,
00:41:18.200 there's lawsuits, and there's all sorts of problems that you could run into. And these
00:41:22.840 are external factors at play that are going to affect how you live your life and how you conduct
00:41:29.060 yourself. And sometimes based on those factors, you're going to need to really, really ramp up in
00:41:34.900 one area, right? So if we're planning for an event, because somebody earlier was asking me about
00:41:40.060 what my plans are or what my goals are for the quarter or the last part of the year, well,
00:41:43.980 we've been really heavily involved in these events. So that means that last week, guess what I did last
00:41:50.120 week? I worked probably 20% of the time and the 80% of that time allotted was actually spent towards
00:41:58.320 upgrading the barn, doing the projects around the house. And so I spent like 80% of my time doing that
00:42:04.320 and 20% at work. But now that first event's over and I got behind at work a little bit. So now I'm
00:42:10.280 going to be doing 50, 60, 70% at work or even more and 20 or 30 over here because the external factor
00:42:18.600 has changed. And because it's changed, I need to adapt. I need to change. I need to evolve.
00:42:26.380 And so you're actually, the answer is actually in your question about teetering. That's right.
00:42:31.100 You are teetering and you got to feel it. Sometimes you're going way too hard and you're
00:42:37.300 letting everything else over here fall through the cracks and burn up. And that's a problem.
00:42:42.060 And so what do you do? You adjust. And sometimes we ride our coattails. We rest on our laurels.
00:42:50.980 Maybe we had a good quarter and we're like, cool, I got this. I got it all figured out. And you kind
00:42:54.820 of just sit back and take it easy. Well, then you notice your income's going down and you need to
00:43:01.000 ramp it back up. So what do you do? You adjust. You move forward. I know with me, diet tends to
00:43:07.680 be an issue of mine, like exercise and that sort of thing is not an issue. Very, very active. But I'll
00:43:13.840 eat everything in sight. I love food. I'll eat it all, all day long. And so sometimes I get a little
00:43:21.500 heavier than I'd like to get. And when I noticed that happening, I make the pivots. I change up the
00:43:27.260 diet. I tweak the diet. I tweak the exercise plan. I work a little harder. I watch what I eat. I drink
00:43:31.900 more water and then I get back where I need to be. So it's this constant just moving and ebbs and flows
00:43:38.400 based on external factors. And I feel like that's a more, not only forgiving way of doing it, but it's
00:43:44.600 a more realistic way of living life. Because here's something that's interesting. If I had a friend call
00:43:49.780 me up this afternoon and said, Hey Ryan, you know, I've got this incredible opportunity. I'm going to
00:43:56.600 have some guys up here and they're influential guys. And I really want to connect you. And we're
00:44:00.700 going to go to the lake and we're going to go wakeboarding. Okay. Well, I would want to take
00:44:05.360 advantage of that opportunity, right? So I'm going to pivot because that's important. And so I'm going
00:44:12.180 to make the adjustment on the fly. I'm like, Oh, okay, cool. Let me shift a meeting here,
00:44:15.920 tweak a meeting there, adjust my schedule, put this on the schedule and the agenda for tomorrow.
00:44:20.560 And then, okay, I have a couple hours free so I can go do that. And we shouldn't feel bad about that.
00:44:27.900 You're just reacting to external factors based on what it is you want. And that's how we do it.
00:44:34.140 Again, a little bit more forgiving way to live your life when it comes to work life balance,
00:44:38.060 quote unquote, work life balance, but also a more realistic way of doing it too.
00:44:41.640 Um, another example is my dog last night has been having a really hard time with his hip. I don't
00:44:49.660 know if it's a, if it's a, an issue because it's a German shepherd, that's just naturally, you know,
00:44:56.000 degenerative issue. That's going to naturally take place or, or if he got hurt and got hit or
00:45:00.380 something, I don't know. Um, but this afternoon we need to make sure he's taken care of. And so like
00:45:05.620 some more time and attention is going to be spent on that because that's something I didn't anticipate,
00:45:10.240 but I need to need to be aware of it and involved with it. So hope that helps with the work life
00:45:15.360 balance stuff. Uh, all right, let's go to this one's from juice and he says, did your wife always
00:45:22.080 work out and take care of herself? Trying to encourage my wife to take more time for herself. 1.00
00:45:27.340 She stays at home with the boys three in one, and I would like to like her to set boundaries
00:45:32.340 like I do around self-care and fitness exercise. Yeah, bro. This is hard, man. Um, my wife has always 0.90
00:45:39.120 been pretty good about, uh, exercising, working out, taking care of herself, but I'm going to speak
00:45:45.620 for her a little bit. Ladies, correct me if I'm wrong. If you see it differently, guys, maybe your
00:45:50.880 experience is different. I don't want to speak for her, but I'll, I'll just make some observations.
00:45:55.120 Um, my wife who also stays at home with our four children, uh, prides herself, prides herself 0.80
00:46:03.680 on being a great homemaker, being a great wife, being a great mother, being a great school teacher,
00:46:11.720 like everything that she prides herself on and, uh, finds joy and satisfaction and fulfillment in
00:46:20.520 is all revolving around the home and, and, and us and the kids. So when she leaves, whether that's to
00:46:31.420 go work out for an hour, uh, or she's going to go spend some time with her, her mom and her sister 0.99
00:46:38.660 or siblings, then she doesn't think that she's being a good mother or wife or homemaker. So this is,
00:46:48.280 this is the pattern that she falls into. And so we've had to have a lot of conversations about
00:46:53.460 why taking care of yourself actually makes you a more effective mother. It makes you a more engaged,
00:46:59.520 uh, wife and makes you more fulfilled generally. And it makes your life better. Uh, now, one thing
00:47:07.280 I know that a lot of guys will do is they'll assume that their wife needs to do it. And what I mean by
00:47:14.920 do it is like the self-care stuff, the same way that we do. Like I'll tell my wife, um, I'll listen
00:47:21.080 to this podcast or read this book. He's like, I don't want to read that book. I'm like, Oh, and I used
00:47:24.000 to be so upset, you know, it'd be like a self-help book, like, uh, atomic habits by James clear.
00:47:29.320 Like, Oh, you should read this like atomic habits and here's this and this and this. And she's like,
00:47:32.780 I don't want to read that at all, but she'll get out a novel. She really likes Jack Carr's books,
00:47:39.320 which I think he's written, writing, writing his fifth book now. Um, or, you know, she'll get out
00:47:44.140 something else that maybe I wouldn't necessarily read or be excited about not Jack Carr. Cause I do
00:47:51.260 have like a series, but you know what I'm saying? Uh, and so she'll, she'll do that. And what we
00:47:57.500 need to realize is that she is taking care of herself. It's not, it's just not doing it the 0.98
00:48:01.500 same way that you do it. So I've got my office out here and my window overlooks the garden and
00:48:05.480 she's got this beautiful immaculate garden. And I, sometimes I like to just, you know, in the middle
00:48:10.820 of my day, just peek out there and see what her and the kids are up to. And she's got the wheelbarrow 0.97
00:48:15.140 out and she's kneeling in the dirt and she's like moving dirt and planting things and picking 0.98
00:48:19.720 vegetables. And she loves it. You know, like, who am I to say, well, you really should actually
00:48:26.000 be doing this other thing to improve yourself. Like, who am I to say that she's, she's doing
00:48:32.120 that. That's self-care. So drew, what I would say, the reason I'll bring all this up is because
00:48:36.960 what I would say is that you need to consider that maybe she is doing some things to take care
00:48:46.140 of herself. And it would be good for you to acknowledge it and to recognize it, to talk
00:48:52.020 with her about it, and then to continue to foster it. So if my wife, how she really likes gardening
00:48:58.280 and beekeeping, let's say, and I saw that there was a gardening workshop this Saturday at the
00:49:05.960 community center, then what I would do is I'd say, Hey hon, I was down at the post office and
00:49:13.280 they had a flyer for the gardening workshop at the community center. And it's from nine to noon
00:49:19.160 this Saturday. I actually thought that would be really cool. And also here's another little trick
00:49:25.420 here, drew. So I thought that would be cool for you to go do. And also I think it'd actually be
00:49:29.700 really cool for just me and the boys to hang out, like just boy, like guys time. And we're just going
00:49:35.520 to go to the park and we're going to play around for a couple of hours. And then, uh, you know,
00:49:39.620 we're going to, we're going to go to go, go out to eat and, uh, we're just going to make like a guy
00:49:44.500 time of it. That's the trick. Okay. And I'll tell you why, number one, you're, you're honoring
00:49:49.960 what she wants to do and for her to take care of herself. And then you're also alleviating her
00:49:56.460 mental burden of thinking that her value is only tied up and being present with your boys
00:50:04.360 when it isn't. I mean, that's very valuable, but it isn't only that. And so by you, what I would
00:50:11.720 say, this is a, this is an extreme ownership measure here is you're not saying, Hey, don't
00:50:16.100 worry about the kids. You're going to, we're going to be fine. No, you're taking ownership. You're
00:50:18.880 like, Hey hon, like I want some time with the boys. Like you're, you're not an, I love you.
00:50:24.380 You're just not invited on this one. Cause I want time with the boys. So you do your thing.
00:50:28.720 I got three hours with the boys and then it alleviates her desire to feel valuable tied
00:50:36.720 up to your kids. I hope that helps ladies. If you want to chime in, if I'm way off base
00:50:42.000 on this, let me know if I'm right. Let us know. Like this is good. This is good stuff
00:50:47.440 to talk about right here. Cause I know this is a big issue. Okay. All right, let's go.
00:50:52.400 We'll take one or two more here. Uh, this one's from Ron Inman. He says for men who are, uh,
00:50:58.640 fighting to break pornography, stranglehold on their life, why is it important for them
00:51:02.960 to actively be part of an accountability group and also be active in reporting, not
00:51:09.120 just their successes, but their failures. Please talk about the negative aspects of men
00:51:12.560 isolating themselves and trying to quote unquote, tough it out through porn addiction and how
00:51:17.380 accountability to self and others is necessary to win this fight. Yeah. I think it's, I think
00:51:23.040 it's, uh, it's very important indefinitely to band with other men to be around other men.
00:51:29.060 But if you're working towards overcoming an addiction, whether it's pornography, like Ron's
00:51:35.120 talking about now or drug use, alcohol abuse, that initially, I think it's going to be the
00:51:41.240 hardest time for you to overcome that. And you're going to fall into default patterns very, very
00:51:45.960 quickly. If you're bored, you're going to go, you know, jump online and look at pornography,
00:51:50.500 or you're going to get a drink, or you're going to do this. You're going to do that. These things
00:51:53.220 that you're trying to get away from, uh, because you've quite literally wired the synopsis in your
00:51:59.980 brain to be rewarded every time you receive that stimulus. So, uh, if you're addicted to pornography,
00:52:08.920 well, you've trained your brain to give you a little bit of hit of dopamine. Every time you look at
00:52:14.280 that picture or have that drink or have that smoke or whatever it is that that's your thing.
00:52:19.980 Uh, and you need to rewire that. And it's really, really hard to rewire that because the brain is
00:52:25.560 always looking for the path of least resistance. Uh, and it's a very, it's a very efficient tool,
00:52:30.800 all things considered. The brain is a very, very efficient tool. And so it's making these
00:52:35.860 efficiencies. Well, when you're trying to break them of the efficiencies that they've created,
00:52:40.520 and you might say, well, how can pornography be an efficiency? It's not the pornography.
00:52:44.660 It's the stimulus and then the reward. And it's trying to find those things and formulate those
00:52:52.360 connections. So when you're trying to break those connections, you need to have something to replace
00:52:59.000 that, that activity with. So every time you have an urge to look at pornography or to have a drink or
00:53:04.680 to have a smoke or have whatever, then having somebody that you can reach out to, that you can
00:53:09.740 connect with, uh, that you can jump online and read some stuff about, or have a couple of go-to sources,
00:53:16.060 then, then what you're doing is you're actually rewiring the brain to do something different when
00:53:22.560 it's looking for that stimulus. And that's why it's important. Now, Ron, you also said, why is it
00:53:28.280 important to report? Not just your successes, but your failures, because you have to be honest.
00:53:34.220 You have to be honest. There's no way to get better unless you're being honest. And if you're
00:53:41.200 trying to justify or rationalize, Hey, you know, I've been really good for five days. So like just
00:53:46.660 this once kid, that's not being honest and honesty stings at times when you're trying to be accountable
00:53:55.080 to other guys and you're trying to hold these guys accountable. They're trying to hold you
00:53:58.520 accountable. And you have to report to them that you failed that stings. And by the way, it should,
00:54:05.740 okay. We live in this ultra fragile society where nobody's supposed to feel bad about their decisions
00:54:12.300 and everybody's supposed to live their, their quote unquote lived experience or their, or my truth and
00:54:18.840 all this kind of stuff. And so we have this really weird society where you're not supposed to feel bad
00:54:25.240 about anything that you do, but I would contend that there's actually some things that you should
00:54:31.460 feel bad about or guilty about or upset about or, or anger or frustration, or these, what people would
00:54:38.280 call negative emotions. If you feel that way about it, hopefully the idea is that would cause you to do
00:54:44.100 something different next time. You know, if you're on a diet and you're doing really, really good for
00:54:49.280 seven or 10 days, and then you go to Dunkin' Donuts and you buy a, you know, a baker's dozen of
00:54:54.580 donut holes and you just like pound them down, you're going to feel guilty about that. Right.
00:54:58.260 You should feel guilty about that. Everybody will say, Oh, don't feel guilty. You just, Oh,
00:55:03.180 you, you earned it. You're, you're, you're rewarding yourself. You deserve it, right? That's a lie.
00:55:09.300 And it's at odds with what you're trying to do for yourself. So you're actually going to not only be
00:55:13.000 fat because you keep doing that, you're going to feel shittier mentally, emotionally, because it's a,
00:55:19.220 it's at odds with what you say you want. Same thing with pornography. You know, if, if, 0.94
00:55:24.580 if you're not interested in that, you, you know what it can do to you, you know what it can do
00:55:27.800 to your relationships and, and, and you feel that convicted about it. And yet you still engage in
00:55:33.580 the activity. Not only are you engaging in the negative activity, that's going to, that's going
00:55:37.880 to hinder you, but you're also adding to that. The fact that you're going to feel really bad about
00:55:43.500 doing something that's at odds with the way you view yourself and you should feel bad.
00:55:49.260 And then what an accountability group or partner or whatever it may be will help with is they'll help
00:55:55.700 you process that guilt or that failure so that you have a system in place to ensure that you don't
00:56:04.140 continue to fall into those patterns so that you can rewire the patterns for more productive habits
00:56:11.520 moving forward. That's my thought. All right, guys, a couple more here. I keep saying that
00:56:20.220 Manny Alvarez, uh, this one's for, for, for professor Kip. I like that he's now professor Kip.
00:56:26.600 Um, I'm going to read it here and then we can have a Kip answer this next week when he's back,
00:56:31.640 but he says, what training outside of jujitsu do you recommend to enhance performance on the mats?
00:56:36.960 Strength training yoga seem to be the most obviously complimentary forms.
00:56:40.440 Do you recommend any others? So I'll let him answer that. Uh, when he gets back,
00:56:44.940 conditioning is another one I would definitely say in there. So you have strength training,
00:56:47.600 yoga conditioning would be an important element and diet. I've noticed diet, even the diet I have
00:56:52.440 that day, uh, really affects the way I train diet and hydration, but we'll let him answer when he gets
00:56:58.440 back. All right. Last one right here. Austin Yardley, what jujitsu gi do you wear and what gi would you
00:57:03.740 suggest for a beginner? I'm going to start training soon and I'd like your recommendations. Well, I mean,
00:57:09.140 you know what I wear, I wear origin geese exclusively. Um, and, and they've got them
00:57:14.220 all. The one that I really like is, I don't know if it's their newest. It might be their second newest.
00:57:18.800 It's called the path. Uh, so if you go to origin, main.com, you can check out the path. You would
00:57:24.380 click on geese and then click on the path. I believe they have it in black, white, and blue.
00:57:31.080 So that's called the path. And that's the guy I like now, everybody who's not an origin guy is 0.92
00:57:37.860 already like, no, you got to get this and you got to get that. And you got to do that. That's what I
00:57:41.020 wear. Um, Kip actually might suggest something different. Cause I know he has some origin geese,
00:57:46.080 but I know he's wears something else typically. So maybe when he's back, we can ask him that question
00:57:50.580 as well. All right. I think we got it all guys. I've got a couple of more here, but we're going to
00:57:56.220 have to save those for another day. Uh, because I need to get to a few other things, speaking of
00:58:02.220 balance and trying to figure out how to make sure we're making the most use of our day. That's what
00:58:06.520 I have to do. So we're capping this at an hour. Uh, again, all these questions came from our
00:58:11.000 exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. If you are interested in that, at least watching the video,
00:58:16.820 knowing what it is we do and what it's all about, then head to order of man.com slash iron council
00:58:22.840 and leave a rating and review, share this episode. Keep on putting the good information
00:58:29.920 out there. Keep on asking the great questions, band with us, let other people know what you're
00:58:34.140 all about, what you're doing, where you're getting this information, how you're improving your own
00:58:37.200 life as a man because they need it as well. All right, man, we'll be back on Friday, but until
00:58:42.180 then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
00:58:46.180 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:58:50.800 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.