Order of Man - September 08, 2021


Breaking the Hold of Pornography, Taking Life Too Seriously, and Becoming More Resilient ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING


Episode Stats

Length

58 minutes

Words per Minute

191.98032

Word Count

11,315

Sentence Count

709

Misogynist Sentences

12

Hate Speech Sentences

2


Summary

The Iron Council is a brotherhood of almost 1,000 men, all designed to equip you with the tools and conversations and resources and accountability and camaraderie that you need to thrive as a man. We're here to help you become the best fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders, whatever faculty of life you're showing up as.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart
00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.
00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong. This is your life. This is who
00:00:17.160 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
00:00:22.700 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, what is going on today? My name is Ryan Michler.
00:00:27.520 I am the host and the founder of the Order of Man podcast and movement. Today is your
00:00:32.400 Ask Me Anything. We've got some great questions fielding those questions from our members of
00:00:39.220 our exclusive brotherhood called the Iron Council. So if you're just joining the Order of Man
00:00:44.620 podcast and movement, the Iron Council is a brotherhood of almost 1,000 men now, all designed
00:00:52.340 to equip you with the tools and conversations and resources and accountability and camaraderie
00:00:57.940 that you need to thrive as a man. None of this lone wolf stuff, working together side by side,
00:01:03.960 shoulder to shoulder with other men who are on very similar paths as you. Some a little further
00:01:08.920 down the road, some a little further back, but all walking again, shoulder to shoulder to help each
00:01:14.080 other become the best fathers, husbands, business owners, community leaders, whatever faculty of life
00:01:20.380 you're showing up as. So if you're interested in the Iron Council, check it out at orderofman.com
00:01:24.420 slash Iron Council. Guys, normally I do this, Ask Me Anything with my co-host, Kip Sorensen.
00:01:30.420 A little different today. He's taking care of some things because I'm recording this on Labor Day.
00:01:35.860 So he's laboring, I believe, at his lake property. They're doing some work out there. So
00:01:44.140 messaged me and said, Hey, you're riding solo on this one, which I'm fine with. We can do that.
00:01:48.360 For better or worse, you're going to have to listen to this one. So before I get into it,
00:01:52.720 just want to make a quick mention. It's starting to cool off here in Maine, which is where I live
00:01:56.880 and where our headquarters are. I've got some friends over at Origin Maine that are making some
00:02:02.120 incredible, incredible, durable goods, all 100% made and sourced in America. These are
00:02:07.420 geese and rash guards for jujitsu, but they've branched into multiple different types of denim,
00:02:13.140 also into boots. I have my bison boots on right now. As a matter of fact, I think it's the first
00:02:20.040 time that I've put them on since summer because we're starting to get into fall here, but they also
00:02:25.060 have a new product you need to check out and it launches this week. It's called the Heavy Hoodie.
00:02:29.800 And I know Pete, the founder of Origin has been thinking, planning, strategizing, and then putting
00:02:35.400 all the pieces in place for this particular hoodie for years now. And you might think, well,
00:02:39.780 what's different about this? Well, the fact that it's 100% made and sourced in America,
00:02:43.540 but it's got a lot of unique little things, features that aren't available with a normal
00:02:48.880 hoodie. Number one, it's heavier. It's a lot heavier material. So definitely going to keep
00:02:52.960 you warmer, especially if you're in cold weather places like we are here in Maine. It's got a nice
00:02:57.800 zip pocket and instead of a drawstring, it's got snaps. So it's pretty unique. I think you guys are
00:03:04.020 going to like it. Check it out. You can check that out at originmaine.com, originmaine.com
00:03:08.920 and use the code ORDER at checkout. You'll save some money for our D-E-R at checkout.
00:03:14.180 All right, guys, let's get into these questions. Again, we're fielding them from our exclusive
00:03:18.020 brotherhood, the Iron Council, orderofman.com slash Iron Council. Let's kick things off with
00:03:23.940 Dylan Robinson. He says, how do you be present and honest with yourself? In other words, how to
00:03:31.180 quote unquote, keep your world small? Well, I mean, this is crucial, right? Being present and honest
00:03:36.920 with yourself because it's very easy for us to convince ourselves that the way we're thinking
00:03:44.060 about ideas and challenges and strategies and solutions is all accurate and correct.
00:03:52.580 And I'm probably more guilty of this than anybody else because I think my way is right. I tend to be
00:03:59.340 pretty stubborn, tend to have an opinion about everything and never at a lack or loss of being
00:04:05.880 able or having the desire to share it. So this concept of being present and honest with yourself
00:04:12.780 can actually be a challenge because it's very easy to put ourselves into these echo chambers where
00:04:20.320 we're sharing things and we're only surrounding ourselves with information, people, sources,
00:04:26.780 news outlets, et cetera, et cetera, that are going to just reaffirm our world beliefs.
00:04:32.980 So for me, being honest with yourself, being present with yourself is a couple of different
00:04:38.220 things. Number one, doing an after action review and really analyzing how you're behaving, how you're
00:04:46.160 thinking, how you're processing, how you're taking action every single day. And this is not just to pat
00:04:51.960 yourself on the back, but this is also to critically analyze where you're falling short, where you're
00:04:57.840 struggling, where you need to do better, how exactly you're going to do better, and then start
00:05:02.520 formulating little micro strategies for improvement tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the
00:05:07.500 next day and so on. Number two is I think this really is going to help if you can learn to be more
00:05:16.780 humble. Humility is really, really going to actually, let me say it this way, getting rid of the ego and
00:05:27.200 maybe that's humility, or maybe it's just knocking down the ego and not believing that your success is
00:05:33.260 just linked with being the best, always performing at a hundred percent, always performing as a master and
00:05:42.160 instead let the ego go and realize that you need to fail. You need to flounder. You need to struggle.
00:05:47.720 You need to thrust yourself into new environments and situations and circumstances that are
00:05:52.160 uncomfortable. Jiu-jitsu is one we talk about all the time. It's a great example of that. Or asking
00:05:59.960 powerful questions or having conversations that are risky or speaking in front of people or on stage.
00:06:08.060 These are all things that you can do that you're going to really struggle with initially. I know I do.
00:06:12.160 But that struggle is a pretty good indicator that you're uncomfortable and that it might be moving
00:06:17.580 you towards a better solution. And then the third thing I would say, so again, we have after action
00:06:23.740 review, we have humility, the mindset of humility or letting go of the ego. And then the third is
00:06:28.300 making sure that you're surrounding yourself with sources you aren't used to surrounding yourself by
00:06:33.300 and trying not to come up with any sort of defense mechanism or rationalization or justification
00:06:40.620 about why these individuals were wrong, but just entertaining the idea, right? I can't remember who said it,
00:06:45.540 but they said that it's a sign of intelligence. And I'm paraphrasing here. And I'm also going to butcher it
00:06:49.820 to be able to entertain an idea without accepting it or embracing it, something along those lines.
00:06:55.780 And I think all too often, if we hear conflicting advice or ideas with our own personal ideology or
00:07:03.120 worldview, that we're so quick to just brush it off, to dismiss it, to mock it, to ridicule it,
00:07:08.900 to say anybody who would think like that is stupid. And I don't really think that's generally the case.
00:07:14.300 Instead, what I would challenge you to do, and I challenge myself to do this, although I'm still
00:07:19.000 working towards it, is just entertaining the idea. Well, let me listen to this. Let me consider it.
00:07:26.040 What would happen if this played out? Why does this person believe that? Or in what situation does
00:07:31.100 this work? And so really, in a way, red teaming, we've talked about that in the past, these ideas
00:07:37.440 and concepts without any preconceived notion and letting go of the preconceived notion and just asking
00:07:42.260 yourself what would happen if this idea played out. It's going to make you a more well-rounded
00:07:46.880 individual, more intelligent, and only one of two things is going to happen. You're either going
00:07:51.180 to solidify your current perspective, which is fine if you feel like that's the outlet or the
00:07:56.340 correct path, or you'll learn new information that's going to cause you to move and act and
00:08:01.240 behave differently moving forward, which is also good if you have a new perspective and it causes you
00:08:05.840 to change your environment or to perform better, then that's a win. So you're always going to win
00:08:12.380 if you do it that way. So I hope that helps, Dylan. Number two, this one comes from
00:08:16.760 my good friend, Ron Christopher. He says, this is for Ryan, which is good. He didn't know it was
00:08:22.760 just going to be me today. He thought it was going to be Kip and I. So this is for me. Good. Cause I'm
00:08:26.160 here. He says, do you ever wonder if you are taking things or excuse me, taking everything too
00:08:31.140 seriously? I feel like I am not laughing enough, although I am killing it in all areas. Ron, I got
00:08:37.240 to tell you, man, I actually feel very much the same way. I'm a serious person by nature.
00:08:42.460 So I think if I'm going to err in my seriousness versus silliness spectrum, it's probably going to
00:08:55.520 err on the side of being serious, being dedicated, being committed, being all in, taking things
00:09:01.860 seriously, like moving forward in the right direction. And this is definitely a personality
00:09:06.400 issue. And I don't think issue is probably not the right word because it's not wrong,
00:09:10.460 right? You've got people who are funny. You've got people who are serious. You've got
00:09:14.860 people who are both. You've got people who are on one complete end or opposite or extreme of the
00:09:20.740 other. And it's not wrong. But I do want to smile. I do want to laugh. I do want to enjoy. I do want
00:09:28.500 to at times soak life in and not be so serious about moving forward through my task list or completing
00:09:35.380 all of my objectives, which is funny because this morning I spent about 20 or 30 minutes working
00:09:40.720 with my battle planner and actually going through and figuring out what I needed to get accomplished
00:09:45.280 today. And I derive a tremendous sense of satisfaction and value and fulfillment from getting
00:09:51.320 my shit done. So I like being serious, but if you're feeling like you're too serious, I would ask
00:09:59.380 yourself and I'm, I'm needing to ask myself these questions as well is what, what makes you smile?
00:10:06.340 When, when do you just relax and enjoy? When's the last time you really laughed? And I'm talking like
00:10:12.760 a belly laugh and just enjoy it. When's the last time you were silly with your kids or you got on the
00:10:18.580 dance floor with your wife, or you did something that you've never done before. And also that you do
00:10:25.320 things that are just intrinsically valuable as a hard charger and a high achiever and a, uh, a list
00:10:31.720 checker offer, I would say somebody who just wants to check off the list. Sometimes we only do things
00:10:36.540 that are going to quote unquote, move the needle. Uh, and instead of it being that maybe there's value
00:10:45.340 in just doing things for the sake of doing them, going to the lake, for example, are you checking off a
00:10:51.640 box? I mean, maybe you're developing and nurturing relationships with your friends or your family,
00:10:57.100 but you're just there and you're present in the moment. And I think that level of presence and just
00:11:01.640 doing it because it's intrinsically valuable, not because you're checking it off a list,
00:11:05.520 uh, is, is really going to help you lighten up, loosen up a little bit and enjoy life in
00:11:11.500 a just as fulfilling, rewarding way from a different perspective. Hope that helps Ron. You and me are in
00:11:17.860 the same boat on that one. So, um, there you go. All right. Bobby Katie says for both of you,
00:11:23.120 he's talking about Kip and myself. Uh, he says, who do you look up to for inspiration or mentorship?
00:11:29.040 And what are my current goals? Well, as far as who I look up to for, for inspiration and motivation
00:11:35.240 and all that kind of stuff, I mean, go, go through, go through my, my guests on the podcast.
00:11:41.300 I mean, we've had some phenomenal, phenomenal guests over the past six years. And these are
00:11:47.720 all individuals that I reached out to that I deliberately and intentionally connected with
00:11:53.900 because these are guys I wanted to have conversations with. In fact, when I started
00:11:57.100 order of man, really one of the goals was to be able to have conversations with people. I admired
00:12:01.880 people. I respected people that, uh, I felt had some value to offer, uh, guys who were succeeding in
00:12:09.540 one or more areas of life. And so I reached out to these individuals and, uh, that that's why I had
00:12:14.980 them on the podcast. So if you ever are curious about where I turned to for inspiration, just go
00:12:19.460 look at the list of podcast guests. And you can know that we've had guys like John Eldridge and James
00:12:25.280 Clear, uh, Mark Manson. We've had Andy Frisilla. We've had Sean Whalen. We've had Ed Milet. We've had
00:12:32.360 Dakota Meyer, Jocko, Pete Roberts, Tim Kennedy, uh, Kyle Carpenter, Andy Stumpf. I mean, the,
00:12:40.880 the guys who I look to, it's all listed right out there for you. So if you're wondering where I go
00:12:47.920 to look for inspiration, that's where I go. But I also get inspiration from you and other guys in
00:12:52.820 the iron council and people who I interact with on social media, I feel like everybody has something
00:12:57.980 to share. And it's my job as the person interacting with individuals to extract the value that they
00:13:05.880 bring to the table. And sometimes that's readily apparent and other times you have to dig a little
00:13:11.280 bit, but everybody has something valuable to share. Uh, even the guy on the, you know, the street
00:13:16.840 corner, uh, asking for money. There's, there's some value there. There's some lessons there that you can
00:13:22.240 extract that you can learn from and that you can improve and get better in, in any environment or
00:13:27.900 circumstance or situation you find yourself in. So look for it. If you're looking for it, you'll find it.
00:13:33.220 But if you want to know who I turned to you for inspiration and motivation, you've got a lineup of
00:13:37.280 300 plus guests at this point. And I turned to all of them. Uh, as far as goals, what, what do I,
00:13:43.720 what do I have that I want to achieve? Well, obviously I want to continue to grow order of man.
00:13:47.340 It's very important. And for the next 90 days, I'm very, very focused on running, uh, successful
00:13:53.080 events. We just got done with our first wedding here at our property in Maine. Uh, and then we have
00:13:58.740 our father son event. We've got our main event. Uh, and then we've got in the spring, we've got
00:14:04.460 another event with Bajos Koulian out of California. Who's coming here to Maine to run one of his squire
00:14:09.160 programs, uh, uh, here in Maine. So yeah, that's the big focus for me right now. Um, outside of that,
00:14:18.940 I've got some hunting goals cause I've got about three hunts in the next 90 to 120 days. So I'm
00:14:24.980 planning and preparing and getting ready for those things. And, uh, so those are, those are the two
00:14:29.760 biggest goals on my mind right now. And by the way, if you're curious about goal setting and how
00:14:35.060 we do it here, how I do it personally, and how thousands of other men have done it, then go to
00:14:39.580 order a man.com slash battle ready order a man.com slash battle ready. And you can go through a series
00:14:46.500 of emails over 30 days that are going to get you geared up for creating your own goals and making the
00:14:52.180 last three to four months of this year, the most, uh, successful for you, whatever that looks like.
00:14:58.860 This is from Bill Patton. He says, what tips can you provide for uprooting the family to a new
00:15:04.920 state? This is one that I get quite a bit because, uh, many of, you know, two years ago,
00:15:09.800 a little over two years now, uh, my wife and I uprooted our family. And, uh, of course our four
00:15:16.340 children with that and move from Southern Utah to rural Maine. Uh, and it was, it was a big
00:15:23.080 challenge and there was a lot of concerns and questions and, uh, hesitancy and is this going to
00:15:30.200 work and doubt and fear and uncertainty and all of that stuff. Uh, but I'm happy to announce that
00:15:35.460 over the past two years, it's been one of the best decisions that we've ever made. Uh, and, and I wish I
00:15:41.740 had some, some perfect formula for you to, you know, do these 10 things when moving across the
00:15:48.740 country. I don't really know if it's that I tend to be pretty intuitive in nature. And so I don't
00:15:54.500 need to get into like, well, it's the one through 10. It's just, does this feel right? Yes, it feels
00:15:59.540 right. Good go. And we'll figure it out along the way. It's always been my personality. Uh, so what would
00:16:04.520 I say though? I would say, obviously know where you're moving, know what the culture is like, uh, try to
00:16:10.700 meet people as quickly as you possibly can know that this is important, uh, that it's not the new
00:16:17.000 community or neighborhoods obligation to welcome you and embrace you in the fold. It's your
00:16:22.100 responsibility to put yourself in, in the environment, put yourself out there. And I feel
00:16:26.920 like my wife and I over the past, a little over two years now have done a very good job entrenching
00:16:31.760 ourselves in the community, but that wasn't because everybody rushed to, to welcome us with open arms.
00:16:38.540 We had Pete Roberts and Amanda Roberts, his wife, who of course did, and other friends who were very
00:16:43.480 welcoming and we've made friends and neighbors and things like that, but we also got involved.
00:16:48.280 And if there's one thing I could tell you that you need to do is to get involved, get involved in
00:16:52.360 church, get involved in, if your kids are going to school, get involved in their, uh, their, their
00:16:57.160 schooling or their PTA meetings or their school board meetings, get involved in sports. If you have
00:17:02.400 kids, again, you're talking about moving a family, then, uh, volunteer to coach youth sports. You'll meet
00:17:08.140 other men. You'll meet dads who are somewhat probably like-minded to you. Um, but get involved,
00:17:13.900 uh, go to the gym, train jujitsu. You're going to find other guys there. The more that you can
00:17:19.220 personally do to get involved in the community, the more successful you're going to be. Uh, and then
00:17:25.380 also remember with kids, uh, that they're going to have a challenge. They're leaving friends.
00:17:29.580 I think it's more easy for, uh, adults to manage leaving friends because they realize that that's
00:17:36.360 the sacrifice that might need to be made to go on this adventure, to have this experience, but kids
00:17:41.600 don't quite fully understand that. Mine didn't. Uh, so we're, we're very, uh, aware of the
00:17:48.880 conversations that we have and how are you feeling about things and are you liking things and what
00:17:53.840 don't you like and how can we create a better experience? And we're looking for ways of course,
00:17:58.200 to serve our children too, so that they, uh, make the most of this, this time that we have
00:18:02.940 here, however long it may be. Okay. Hope that helps, man. And good luck. If you have any more
00:18:07.540 questions, let me know, Bill. All right. This one comes from Tyson Yunkers. It says he just, uh,
00:18:12.360 finished up the four agreements. And by the way, the four agreements, uh, is the book that we're
00:18:16.400 reading for the month of September in the iron council. And we're focusing on creating your new
00:18:22.640 reality, creating your new reality. Uh, and, uh, so again, the four agreements is the book. He said,
00:18:28.600 it made me think of something I see a lot in the iron council. How would you recommend turning a daily
00:18:33.580 objective, like quote, following the four agreements into a tangible task that, you know,
00:18:40.780 you're making progress in. So this goes back to the question about goal setting. Uh, a lot of people,
00:18:46.560 when they set goals, what men will do is they're very, they're very generic. They're, they're,
00:18:53.700 they're, they're worthy goals. They're, they're worthy of, of aspiring to, but they're so generic
00:19:00.180 that it would be very easy for anybody to just kind of like waffle through it. So like, for example,
00:19:05.820 he's saying, how do you, how do you turn something like, I want to follow the four agreements into a
00:19:11.700 tangible objective? Cause that's what you need to do. Like if you said, I'm going to go
00:19:16.540 run a race and I'm going to win. Well, and that's all you said, like, what do you, what are we
00:19:20.860 talking about here? Are we talking about the 50 yard sprint? Are we talking about an 800 meter
00:19:25.260 run? Are we talking about doing a marathon or a half marathon or even an ultra endurance event?
00:19:29.720 Like what exactly are we talking about? Cause if you're saying, Hey, I'm going to beat you from here
00:19:34.240 to here. And that's 10 feet away. Like, okay, well that's actually measurable or, Hey, I'm going to
00:19:38.460 beat you in a, uh, you know, a marathon. Okay. 26 miles. That's, that's measurable. So it has to be
00:19:45.080 something that you can quantify. Otherwise, how do you know if you're moving the needle?
00:19:48.620 So if you take the four agreements, one of the agreements is to be impeccable with your word.
00:19:53.260 What I would personally do is I would say, okay, if this is my focus that I want to learn to better
00:20:00.420 become impeccable with my word, then what I'm going to do is I'm going to break that down.
00:20:04.680 And I'm going to do an after action review at the end of every day. And I'm going to go through
00:20:08.720 all of the commitments I made, all of the requests that I received, all the conversations that I had,
00:20:15.860 and I'm going to write down what I said I would do. I said, I would do this podcast or have this
00:20:21.220 conversation or help this buddy move or, uh, you know, give to this charitable organization.
00:20:27.460 Like these are all the things I committed to. And at the end of the day, you look at it and say,
00:20:31.460 okay, well, which did I do? And what didn't I do? And the, which did you do? You check off the list
00:20:36.360 and the, which didn't you do? You make a plan for doing it the very next day. And if you did that
00:20:41.420 every single day for 30 or 60 or 90 days, you can see how you would actually be moving the needle
00:20:48.100 towards being impeccable with your word. Now it's just not up for interpretation. It's, it's quantifiable.
00:20:57.280 Did I do that after action review every single day so that I could achieve ultimately what I want to
00:21:05.320 achieve, but I don't know that, uh, I'm going to back up here. I don't know that having an objective,
00:21:12.400 like following the four agreements is really a goal. Anyways, I would say that's more of a tactic.
00:21:20.040 Like why, why do you want to follow the four agreements? Well, because I want to build a
00:21:24.960 deeper relationship with my wife. Got it. Okay. That's the goal, right? You want to have a deeper
00:21:30.400 relationship with your wife and you're going to utilize the four agreements in order to achieve
00:21:35.340 that. Or you want to become a more confident man. Okay. Got it. That's the goal. And the tactic,
00:21:42.820 the way that you're going to do it is to not take things personally, to be impeccable with your word,
00:21:47.180 to actually follow the four agreements. And if you do that, then you're confident that you're going to
00:21:51.400 be a more confident man in 90 days or so. So again, don't confuse tactic with objective.
00:22:01.920 Okay. The, you have three main components of this. You have your vision, which is, I would say
00:22:07.160 really your, your why it's more, it's more closely linked with your why. Like, why do you want,
00:22:15.040 I want to become a good man. I want to be the best father that I can be. It's like grounded in the why,
00:22:19.620 like really drives you and, and, and, and keeps you going. That's the vision. Next, you have your
00:22:25.640 objective. The objective is the what, right? So what exactly do I need to do? Like, what is it that
00:22:33.100 I'm reaching towards? If, if it's, I want to secure a promotion in 90 days, that's a good objective.
00:22:39.220 That's a worthy objective. It's the what secure a promotion. I want to salvage my marriage. Good.
00:22:45.360 That's the what that's exactly what you want to accomplish. I want to be more deeply connected
00:22:50.780 with my kids. Uh, I want to lose a 50 pounds. You can see what I'm saying. These are the objectives.
00:22:57.460 That's the what, so we have the why is the vision, the, what is the objective, and then you have the
00:23:02.180 how that's the tactic. So if the, what is, I want to be more connected with my wife and salvage our
00:23:09.520 relationship, then the tactic is the how, how am I going to do that? I'm going to follow the four
00:23:13.720 agreements. I'm going to let her know. I appreciate her. I'm going to take her on a date night each
00:23:17.460 and every week. We're going to do a evening, or I should say a daily conversation. I'm going to
00:23:22.040 leave a little note or shoot her a text in the middle of the day and tell her I appreciate her.
00:23:25.480 These are all tactics. These are strategies. This is the, how you're going to accomplish the task,
00:23:31.120 the what, which is going to move you towards your ultimate why, which is the vision that you have
00:23:35.640 for yourself. It's a lot of words in there. So they're not big words, but there's a lot of words.
00:23:40.540 I just rambled off. So if you need to like hit pause and go back and listen to that, it's very,
00:23:45.280 very important. The why, the what, and the how. Hope that helps Tyson. All right, let's go to
00:23:51.940 Roger Taylor from team atomic. He says, are there any activities or exercises, uh, that you practice
00:23:58.500 in order to become more resilient mentally or emotionally in preparation for future challenges?
00:24:05.660 Yeah. You know, I, there's one right off hand that comes to mind that you guys are probably sick of
00:24:12.520 hearing me talk about, and that's jujitsu. That's, that's actually challenged me. Yes.
00:24:18.100 Physically. Sure. But also mentally and emotionally, because you have bad days, you have hard days.
00:24:23.040 There's days you don't feel like training that you just get up in the morning, uh, and you go do it
00:24:27.760 anyways, because you want to be impeccable with your word, which we just talked about from the four
00:24:31.620 agreements. So yeah, there's, there's, there's one right there. And I do that four to five days
00:24:38.220 per week, even when I don't feel like it and the lessons that I learn and how I feel about myself,
00:24:44.620 the confidence I develop, the assertiveness that I have, the way that I can begin to look at
00:24:51.840 situations and angles and perspectives that I couldn't previously. Jujitsu has been a big help for
00:24:58.940 that. So yes, it's more physical in nature to the casual observer, but underneath the surface is
00:25:07.660 this real mental and emotional challenge. Kip, Kip actually talked about it as a mental battle.
00:25:15.860 Uh, for those of you who are following along, Kip just got his black belt. Uh, and I was going to
00:25:20.820 ask him today, if he joined us, I was going to ask him if he, you know, how he's, how he's been
00:25:24.480 feeling over the past, you know, week and a half to two weeks since getting his black belt. If he's,
00:25:27.980 you know, been securing promotions and, uh, having to ward off the advancements of beautiful women,
00:25:32.860 just because he has black belt. So I was going to ask him that we'll have to ask him next week,
00:25:36.400 but, uh, he did also talk about the mental battle that it's been over the 10 plus years that he's been
00:25:43.180 training. So that's personally what I do. And then I do that after action review to get a real
00:25:50.140 objective look at how I'm performing, where I'm doing well, and also where I'm falling short.
00:25:55.260 And that's important that you analyze that too. Eric Gentry says, uh, what are your strategies
00:26:01.620 for instilling self-confidence in your kids? Yeah. I really liked this question. Instilling
00:26:07.020 self-confidence in your kids. Here's what I would say just generally, and then we can work backwards
00:26:12.200 into this a little bit. The way that any person develops confidence is by doing things that he did
00:26:19.160 not previously think himself capable of doing. That's how period bottom line, end of story.
00:26:26.620 Anything else is not confidence. It might be bravado or false machismo or, uh, just, just arrogance
00:26:35.000 or excessive pride. Notice I say excessive because you should be proud about things. Um, not everything,
00:26:40.620 but you should be proud of your, your achievements and the things you're doing well. But if it gets
00:26:45.120 an excess, it becomes an issue. Uh, but confidence on the other hand is something that's, that's earned.
00:26:50.680 He went to battle. You had to, you had to speak in public. Uh, you had to share an opinion or
00:26:58.880 perspective that you thought, you know, wasn't well, well liked or wouldn't belt be well received.
00:27:04.300 And yet you still had to share it because you had an obligation responsibility to do it.
00:27:07.800 Or you made a commitment to go to gym, the gym. And so you're, you're going to do it because you
00:27:14.920 committed to doing it. And so these are all exercises, uh, and strategies for how you personally
00:27:21.780 can develop confidence in yourself. Now I know your question was, how do you instill this in your
00:27:28.300 children? It's the exact same way. No, if you want confidence in your children, that they're going to
00:27:34.320 have to battle with things and overcome things that they didn't previously think themselves capable
00:27:39.740 of. These can be minor things, by the way, like clean your room. What child wants to clean their
00:27:46.380 room? But if you give them the assignment and you say, I need you to clean your room. And here's the
00:27:50.620 standard that I expect. And here's when it needs to be done by. And they go and they clean it and
00:27:54.960 they're going to gripe and they're going to moan and complain because that's what kids do. And they
00:27:58.500 don't want to clean the room. And I get it. Who wants to clean the room? But this is what you have
00:28:02.240 them do at the end. I promise you, regardless of how they felt when they do it, their head's going
00:28:07.520 to be a little higher. Their shoulders are going to be a little further back. Their chest is going
00:28:10.400 to be propped out a little bit because they feel good about getting something done. Something as
00:28:14.420 simple as cleaning the room. Or here's another one. Very small is one thing that, uh, we have a
00:28:20.580 rule in our house that when we sit down at the dinner table and there's something new, maybe it's
00:28:27.300 a new fruit or a new dish or a new this or a new that our kids have to try it.
00:28:32.240 They have to try it. They don't have to like it. They don't have to enjoy it. They don't have to
00:28:36.360 eat all of it a lot of the times, but we do require that they try it. And we just built a
00:28:42.180 phrase around this. We try new things. Mickler tried new things. We try new things. That's what
00:28:46.760 we do. And it's funny because, you know, every once in a while they'll get like the pickles out
00:28:50.880 and I'm like, I'm not eating that pickle. And my kids will say, well, dad, we try thing. We try new
00:28:55.460 things. I'm like, well, I've had a pickle before, but they still try to use that against me.
00:28:58.640 Um, but the reason I bring that up is because even though they may not like, like we had mango
00:29:03.400 the other day and my youngest was like, I don't want to eat that. I'm like a mango. Like you,
00:29:06.920 you've never eaten a mango. Hey, that's weird. But also like it's a mango. It's delicious.
00:29:12.100 And he didn't want to eat it, but we said, Hey, Mickler's trying, try new things. So he didn't,
00:29:16.380 he ate the mango. Um, and you know, he didn't totally like it, but I think he was just trying to
00:29:21.280 play it off because he didn't want to be wrong. Cause that's his personality. Probably gets
00:29:25.240 that from his mom. Definitely not me. Uh, and, uh, but anyways, he, he built up a little confidence
00:29:34.000 cause even though he didn't like it, I'm like, cool, at least you tried it. And that was it.
00:29:36.620 And he built up confidence cause he did something that he didn't want to do. Uh, and he did it
00:29:41.100 anyways. And that's how you develop confidence in kids. Now this could also work in more meaningful
00:29:46.620 scenarios. Like, Hey, I need you to take on a specific task. I need you to accomplish this
00:29:53.820 thing around the house. Um, I, I know you just started baseball and you're not really enjoying
00:29:58.500 it, uh, but you need to finish, or I know you really want to get that starting catching position.
00:30:03.720 And so you and I are going to work on getting the drills and the fundamentals and the throwing and
00:30:09.220 everything right so that you can earn that starting position. And then you do it and your son or
00:30:13.600 daughter, they get better and they improve and they earn their starting position and they're
00:30:17.940 going to feel better about it. But what does not develop confidence is not pushing on them at all.
00:30:24.340 So this is, I think more of the, the, the wokeness, the helicopter parenting, the, what I've dubbed
00:30:32.840 the doctrine of popular culture, where we really try to create these environments for our kids where
00:30:37.960 they don't feel any sort of hardship or challenge or struggle or awkwardness or discomfort.
00:30:43.600 Uh, and, and it's just not helpful. Like if you're just sheltering your kids from anything
00:30:50.240 that's hard, whether it's trying new food, eating your spinach to, Hey, you said you're going to be
00:30:56.700 on the baseball team and you don't like it, but you got to finish out the year because you made a
00:30:59.780 commitment to doing it. And wherever it might fall on that, that range of things that could be,
00:31:04.800 they have to be in difficult and uncomfortable situations. And your job is not to shelter them from
00:31:10.520 it. Your job is to expose them to those things in controlled environments and then make sure they
00:31:17.180 follow through with it by giving them the mindset, by showing empathy, by helping them develop the
00:31:22.740 tools and the skills they need to be successful at that thing, at least somewhat successful so they
00:31:26.960 can feel good about it. That's your job. So find challenging things to varying degrees based on where
00:31:33.620 they're at and help them stick with it period. And when they're done, they're going to feel better
00:31:39.480 and they're going to have more confidence. And then you have to tie the two up. Hey, remember you
00:31:42.780 said you didn't want to finish the season. Well, Hey, you just had your last game and I don't know how
00:31:47.480 you feel about it, but I'm really proud of you because you stuck through something for months that
00:31:52.360 you didn't want to do. And grown, there's grown men who don't even do that. And you're acting
00:31:58.020 in a way that's going to benefit you and the people you care about and love. And you should
00:32:02.420 be very, very proud of that. And they start to see that connection. All right, let's go to Jay
00:32:08.880 Carlson. It's a little bit of a longer one. Okay, here we go. As men, we're supposed to be the leaders
00:32:14.520 of our household. Does that mean we lead in literally every aspect or are there areas our wives should
00:32:20.960 lead? There's more to this. I'm going to say first and foremost, we need to be careful of the
00:32:26.780 shoulda, coulda, all that kind of stuff. Like we should lead. They should lead. Where should they
00:32:30.560 lead? I think we're setting ourselves up for failure. And I'll explain that here in a minute.
00:32:34.480 He also goes on to say, my wife and I are separated. And when talking about our issues,
00:32:38.520 she struggles because she says, I'm not the emotional leader of our family. And she is.
00:32:43.140 I personally believe it has a lot to do with the difference between men and women
00:32:46.280 that we've talked about a lot here. I'm not the nurturing type. And she is, I'm more laid back with
00:32:51.800 my attitude where she is more anxious. I work and she's a stay at home mom. She has all
00:32:56.660 the kids' plans and upcoming activities always on her mind. And I don't. Some other things she
00:33:01.360 says she needs more vague. So I won't go into those, but these are just some examples. All that
00:33:05.960 said, are you guys the emotional leaders of your household? What does that look like for you?
00:33:11.800 Okay. So there's a lot here to unpack. Again, you said your first question, we are supposed to be the
00:33:17.860 leaders of the household. Does that mean we lead in literally every aspect? I would answer that
00:33:23.220 question. I'm trying to be thoughtful about this here. I would answer that question. Yes.
00:33:28.820 We need to lead in every aspect. Now, the way that we lead might be different. So for example,
00:33:34.820 if we're talking about the budget, okay, well, I'm going to take on the budget in my own personal
00:33:41.820 household, but in other households, it might work that the wife takes that upon herself and that you
00:33:47.820 need to ensure that gets done as the leader of your household, but that doesn't mean you need to do
00:33:53.000 everything. So making sure things get done and making sure you do it are not one of the same.
00:33:57.920 Let's remember that. Okay. But yeah, if you're talking about the emotional leader of your family,
00:34:03.740 I'm not really sure that the example you gave me equates to being the emotional leader.
00:34:11.600 Because I sense some hesitation. You said it, my wife and I are separated, but when talking about
00:34:18.760 our issue, she struggles because she says, I'm not the emotional leader of our family. She is.
00:34:23.760 But then you're saying here that you're not the nurturing type and she is. Okay. But that really
00:34:32.880 doesn't have anything to do with being the emotional leader of your family. He says, I'm a little bit more
00:34:38.800 laid back with my attitude where she's more anxious. Again, none of that relates to being
00:34:44.160 the emotional leader. To me, the emotional leader is somebody who's empathetic, who's somebody who's
00:34:50.800 understanding. You can read a scenario, you can read a situation, you can figure out what needs to be
00:34:55.900 said and what needs to be done and how you're going to move forward. That doesn't mean that you need to
00:35:00.600 be anxious. It doesn't mean that you need to, and then you were talking about her getting the kids
00:35:06.080 plan. And there's just like a lot here and none of it leads to being the emotional leader. I'll tell
00:35:13.140 you how I'm the emotional leader. Cause that was your last question in my family. And by the way,
00:35:18.220 being an emotional leader doesn't mean you're always being emotional. So let's not conflate the
00:35:24.520 two. Like the emotional leader, isn't the one who's flying off the rails and up and down and high
00:35:29.560 and low and emotion and crying and this and that, because there's supposed to be some sort of emotional
00:35:33.320 leader. The way that I look at being an emotional leader is being somebody who's resolute, who's
00:35:40.500 steadfast, who can read what my children need from me, who can read what my wife might need,
00:35:46.880 the support that she may need from me, and then doing it. And when things are uncomfortable or
00:35:53.680 challenging, or my wife's going through a hard time, or my kids are dealing with a situation with
00:35:59.080 another kid or their own thoughts, or they're having a difficult time, then it's my job as the
00:36:03.480 emotional leader to help those kids. And my wife understand what their emotions are teaching them
00:36:09.680 and then basing their course of action on the lessons they're learning from their emotions.
00:36:16.860 So the emotional leader is not just the like babbling, rambling, crying guy who's overly emotional
00:36:24.740 and sensitive with his feminine side. No, that's not it at all. To me, the emotional leader is somebody
00:36:33.180 who can see that people are struggling, see that they're not, see that they're doing well, see that
00:36:38.460 they're falling behind, see that they need help, being empathetic, trying to put yourself to some degree
00:36:44.120 in their shoes and see where they're coming from so that you can formulate a response that's going to
00:36:50.180 move the family forward in a positive direction. And by the way, also, I would say this is you say,
00:36:56.480 I'm more of the laid back with my attitude where she's more anxious. Okay. You're, you're kind of
00:37:03.140 talking like you're incapable of changing here. Well, I'm just a laid back guy. So like, she doesn't
00:37:07.440 get it. So what's the problem? Okay. Well, maybe you need to adapt a little bit. And she does too.
00:37:12.980 I'm not telling her she wouldn't, but maybe there's some opportunities for you to adapt.
00:37:17.240 You know, if she's not, she doesn't feel inspired or want to be led by the guy who's like, always
00:37:23.220 like, whatever, you know, just like, whatever, it's no big deal. Maybe she would like to see a
00:37:27.380 little bit more assertiveness from you. And may actually, maybe that would serve you better too.
00:37:32.920 Have you tried it? Are you willing to give it a try? Or are you just convinced that you're this
00:37:36.740 quote unquote laid back individual? Only you can answer that question, but it's something that you
00:37:41.820 really, really ought to consider because I'm really tired of hearing from guys, not in this scenario,
00:37:46.920 but guys who are like, zero F's mentality. I don't care what anybody else says. And this is
00:37:52.440 just the way I am. And if they can't deal with it, that's too bad. And I'm not saying that's what
00:37:56.620 you're alluding to here, but you're kind of starting to tiptoe around that line. And, and we're men,
00:38:03.260 which means that we're capable of evolving, adapt and overcome, evolve, get better, improve.
00:38:11.500 You can do that. You should do that. And being an emotional leader means that you're seeing,
00:38:19.400 Hey, my wife needs me to be more assertive in this particular scenario. I acknowledge that I
00:38:24.440 recognize that. And now I'm going to change my pattern of behavior to produce the desired result,
00:38:29.960 which might be to get your wife on board, to win her influence. I should say to earn her influence
00:38:35.320 and then to keep the family on track. And that's what an emotional leader would do.
00:38:40.540 Hope that helps Jay. Let me know. All right. This one is from how we do it on time here. We're at
00:38:45.440 about 45 minutes. So this one's from Evan Berwick. How do you know when your battle plan or goals
00:38:53.440 are pushing you hard enough versus pushing too hard in one area while doing my after action review,
00:39:00.000 seem to teeter between pushing hard and being more fulfilled or maintaining where I am while
00:39:07.640 keeping the other parts of my life balanced with less fulfillment and progress? Yeah. I mean,
00:39:13.600 you're talking about teetering between pushing hard and being more fulfilled or maintaining where you
00:39:18.600 are while getting the other parts of your life balanced. Okay. So you're actually onto the answer
00:39:22.880 right here, Evan. So you're talking about teetering and, and then you use the term balance,
00:39:28.560 life balance later on. So what a lot of people think life balance is, is equal distribution of
00:39:35.860 resources. And in this case, your time and your energy towards all the things that are important
00:39:40.880 to you. So I have a hundred percent of my time, 25% of my time goes to my family, 25% of my time goes
00:39:47.220 to my work, 25% of my time goes to me. And then 25% of my time goes to charitable organizations or
00:39:53.480 building my business or whatever. Right. So you just, you distribute it equally. And that's what
00:39:58.000 people think is balance. And then if they're off just a little bit, what they say is, oh,
00:40:01.700 my life's out of whack. Well, guys, that's not really what balance is. The scenario that I've
00:40:07.500 used or the analogy or metaphor, I don't know which one it is that I've used is that if you are
00:40:13.760 surfing and you're on your surfboard and you catch that wave and you pop up and you jump up on your feet,
00:40:21.260 are you applying your weight equally across the board? Are you evenly distributing it? Meaning,
00:40:28.160 are you putting 50% leaning forward, 50% leaning back? So you're kind of straight as a board in
00:40:32.680 the middle. Are you leaning, leaning to the left or the right equally? No, of course you're not doing
00:40:38.120 that. What you're doing is you're basing your distribution of weight on what the external factors
00:40:45.040 are doing. So if you're on the surfboard and the wave is pushing against you, you might need to lean
00:40:51.260 left or might need to lean right, might need to scoot up, might need to scoot back, might need to put
00:40:56.100 more weight on your front foot or weight on your back foot. The point I'm making is that you're going
00:41:00.260 to change and you're going to adapt and you're not always going to be perfectly centered. That would
00:41:07.720 work if there's no external forces, but this is life and there's external forces. There's our wife,
00:41:13.260 there's our children, there's our job, there's medical illness, there's layoffs and job loss,
00:41:18.200 there's lawsuits, and there's all sorts of problems that you could run into. And these
00:41:22.840 are external factors at play that are going to affect how you live your life and how you conduct
00:41:29.060 yourself. And sometimes based on those factors, you're going to need to really, really ramp up in
00:41:34.900 one area, right? So if we're planning for an event, because somebody earlier was asking me about
00:41:40.060 what my plans are or what my goals are for the quarter or the last part of the year, well,
00:41:43.980 we've been really heavily involved in these events. So that means that last week, guess what I did last
00:41:50.120 week? I worked probably 20% of the time and the 80% of that time allotted was actually spent towards
00:41:58.320 upgrading the barn, doing the projects around the house. And so I spent like 80% of my time doing that
00:42:04.320 and 20% at work. But now that first event's over and I got behind at work a little bit. So now I'm
00:42:10.280 going to be doing 50, 60, 70% at work or even more and 20 or 30 over here because the external factor
00:42:18.600 has changed. And because it's changed, I need to adapt. I need to change. I need to evolve.
00:42:26.380 And so you're actually, the answer is actually in your question about teetering. That's right.
00:42:31.100 You are teetering and you got to feel it. Sometimes you're going way too hard and you're
00:42:37.300 letting everything else over here fall through the cracks and burn up. And that's a problem.
00:42:42.060 And so what do you do? You adjust. And sometimes we ride our coattails. We rest on our laurels.
00:42:50.980 Maybe we had a good quarter and we're like, cool, I got this. I got it all figured out. And you kind
00:42:54.820 of just sit back and take it easy. Well, then you notice your income's going down and you need to
00:43:01.000 ramp it back up. So what do you do? You adjust. You move forward. I know with me, diet tends to
00:43:07.680 be an issue of mine, like exercise and that sort of thing is not an issue. Very, very active. But I'll
00:43:13.840 eat everything in sight. I love food. I'll eat it all, all day long. And so sometimes I get a little
00:43:21.500 heavier than I'd like to get. And when I noticed that happening, I make the pivots. I change up the
00:43:27.260 diet. I tweak the diet. I tweak the exercise plan. I work a little harder. I watch what I eat. I drink
00:43:31.900 more water and then I get back where I need to be. So it's this constant just moving and ebbs and flows
00:43:38.400 based on external factors. And I feel like that's a more, not only forgiving way of doing it, but it's
00:43:44.600 a more realistic way of living life. Because here's something that's interesting. If I had a friend call
00:43:49.780 me up this afternoon and said, Hey Ryan, you know, I've got this incredible opportunity. I'm going to
00:43:56.600 have some guys up here and they're influential guys. And I really want to connect you. And we're
00:44:00.700 going to go to the lake and we're going to go wakeboarding. Okay. Well, I would want to take
00:44:05.360 advantage of that opportunity, right? So I'm going to pivot because that's important. And so I'm going
00:44:12.180 to make the adjustment on the fly. I'm like, Oh, okay, cool. Let me shift a meeting here,
00:44:15.920 tweak a meeting there, adjust my schedule, put this on the schedule and the agenda for tomorrow.
00:44:20.560 And then, okay, I have a couple hours free so I can go do that. And we shouldn't feel bad about that.
00:44:27.900 You're just reacting to external factors based on what it is you want. And that's how we do it.
00:44:34.140 Again, a little bit more forgiving way to live your life when it comes to work life balance,
00:44:38.060 quote unquote, work life balance, but also a more realistic way of doing it too.
00:44:41.640 Um, another example is my dog last night has been having a really hard time with his hip. I don't
00:44:49.660 know if it's a, if it's a, an issue because it's a German shepherd, that's just naturally, you know,
00:44:56.000 degenerative issue. That's going to naturally take place or, or if he got hurt and got hit or
00:45:00.380 something, I don't know. Um, but this afternoon we need to make sure he's taken care of. And so like
00:45:05.620 some more time and attention is going to be spent on that because that's something I didn't anticipate,
00:45:10.240 but I need to need to be aware of it and involved with it. So hope that helps with the work life
00:45:15.360 balance stuff. Uh, all right, let's go to this one's from juice and he says, did your wife always
00:45:22.080 work out and take care of herself? Trying to encourage my wife to take more time for herself.
00:45:27.340 She stays at home with the boys three in one, and I would like to like her to set boundaries
00:45:32.340 like I do around self-care and fitness exercise. Yeah, bro. This is hard, man. Um, my wife has always
00:45:39.120 been pretty good about, uh, exercising, working out, taking care of herself, but I'm going to speak
00:45:45.620 for her a little bit. Ladies, correct me if I'm wrong. If you see it differently, guys, maybe your
00:45:50.880 experience is different. I don't want to speak for her, but I'll, I'll just make some observations.
00:45:55.120 Um, my wife who also stays at home with our four children, uh, prides herself, prides herself
00:46:03.680 on being a great homemaker, being a great wife, being a great mother, being a great school teacher,
00:46:11.720 like everything that she prides herself on and, uh, finds joy and satisfaction and fulfillment in
00:46:20.520 is all revolving around the home and, and, and us and the kids. So when she leaves, whether that's to
00:46:31.420 go work out for an hour, uh, or she's going to go spend some time with her, her mom and her sister
00:46:38.660 or siblings, then she doesn't think that she's being a good mother or wife or homemaker. So this is,
00:46:48.280 this is the pattern that she falls into. And so we've had to have a lot of conversations about
00:46:53.460 why taking care of yourself actually makes you a more effective mother. It makes you a more engaged,
00:46:59.520 uh, wife and makes you more fulfilled generally. And it makes your life better. Uh, now, one thing
00:47:07.280 I know that a lot of guys will do is they'll assume that their wife needs to do it. And what I mean by
00:47:14.920 do it is like the self-care stuff, the same way that we do. Like I'll tell my wife, um, I'll listen
00:47:21.080 to this podcast or read this book. He's like, I don't want to read that book. I'm like, Oh, and I used
00:47:24.000 to be so upset, you know, it'd be like a self-help book, like, uh, atomic habits by James clear.
00:47:29.320 Like, Oh, you should read this like atomic habits and here's this and this and this. And she's like,
00:47:32.780 I don't want to read that at all, but she'll get out a novel. She really likes Jack Carr's books,
00:47:39.320 which I think he's written, writing, writing his fifth book now. Um, or, you know, she'll get out
00:47:44.140 something else that maybe I wouldn't necessarily read or be excited about not Jack Carr. Cause I do
00:47:51.260 have like a series, but you know what I'm saying? Uh, and so she'll, she'll do that. And what we
00:47:57.500 need to realize is that she is taking care of herself. It's not, it's just not doing it the
00:48:01.500 same way that you do it. So I've got my office out here and my window overlooks the garden and
00:48:05.480 she's got this beautiful immaculate garden. And I, sometimes I like to just, you know, in the middle
00:48:10.820 of my day, just peek out there and see what her and the kids are up to. And she's got the wheelbarrow
00:48:15.140 out and she's kneeling in the dirt and she's like moving dirt and planting things and picking
00:48:19.720 vegetables. And she loves it. You know, like, who am I to say, well, you really should actually
00:48:26.000 be doing this other thing to improve yourself. Like, who am I to say that she's, she's doing
00:48:32.120 that. That's self-care. So drew, what I would say, the reason I'll bring all this up is because
00:48:36.960 what I would say is that you need to consider that maybe she is doing some things to take care
00:48:46.140 of herself. And it would be good for you to acknowledge it and to recognize it, to talk
00:48:52.020 with her about it, and then to continue to foster it. So if my wife, how she really likes gardening
00:48:58.280 and beekeeping, let's say, and I saw that there was a gardening workshop this Saturday at the
00:49:05.960 community center, then what I would do is I'd say, Hey hon, I was down at the post office and
00:49:13.280 they had a flyer for the gardening workshop at the community center. And it's from nine to noon
00:49:19.160 this Saturday. I actually thought that would be really cool. And also here's another little trick
00:49:25.420 here, drew. So I thought that would be cool for you to go do. And also I think it'd actually be
00:49:29.700 really cool for just me and the boys to hang out, like just boy, like guys time. And we're just going
00:49:35.520 to go to the park and we're going to play around for a couple of hours. And then, uh, you know,
00:49:39.620 we're going to, we're going to go to go, go out to eat and, uh, we're just going to make like a guy
00:49:44.500 time of it. That's the trick. Okay. And I'll tell you why, number one, you're, you're honoring
00:49:49.960 what she wants to do and for her to take care of herself. And then you're also alleviating her
00:49:56.460 mental burden of thinking that her value is only tied up and being present with your boys
00:50:04.360 when it isn't. I mean, that's very valuable, but it isn't only that. And so by you, what I would
00:50:11.720 say, this is a, this is an extreme ownership measure here is you're not saying, Hey, don't
00:50:16.100 worry about the kids. You're going to, we're going to be fine. No, you're taking ownership. You're
00:50:18.880 like, Hey hon, like I want some time with the boys. Like you're, you're not an, I love you.
00:50:24.380 You're just not invited on this one. Cause I want time with the boys. So you do your thing.
00:50:28.720 I got three hours with the boys and then it alleviates her desire to feel valuable tied
00:50:36.720 up to your kids. I hope that helps ladies. If you want to chime in, if I'm way off base
00:50:42.000 on this, let me know if I'm right. Let us know. Like this is good. This is good stuff
00:50:47.440 to talk about right here. Cause I know this is a big issue. Okay. All right, let's go.
00:50:52.400 We'll take one or two more here. Uh, this one's from Ron Inman. He says for men who are, uh,
00:50:58.640 fighting to break pornography, stranglehold on their life, why is it important for them
00:51:02.960 to actively be part of an accountability group and also be active in reporting, not
00:51:09.120 just their successes, but their failures. Please talk about the negative aspects of men
00:51:12.560 isolating themselves and trying to quote unquote, tough it out through porn addiction and how
00:51:17.380 accountability to self and others is necessary to win this fight. Yeah. I think it's, I think
00:51:23.040 it's, uh, it's very important indefinitely to band with other men to be around other men.
00:51:29.060 But if you're working towards overcoming an addiction, whether it's pornography, like Ron's
00:51:35.120 talking about now or drug use, alcohol abuse, that initially, I think it's going to be the
00:51:41.240 hardest time for you to overcome that. And you're going to fall into default patterns very, very
00:51:45.960 quickly. If you're bored, you're going to go, you know, jump online and look at pornography,
00:51:50.500 or you're going to get a drink, or you're going to do this. You're going to do that. These things
00:51:53.220 that you're trying to get away from, uh, because you've quite literally wired the synopsis in your
00:51:59.980 brain to be rewarded every time you receive that stimulus. So, uh, if you're addicted to pornography,
00:52:08.920 well, you've trained your brain to give you a little bit of hit of dopamine. Every time you look at
00:52:14.280 that picture or have that drink or have that smoke or whatever it is that that's your thing.
00:52:19.980 Uh, and you need to rewire that. And it's really, really hard to rewire that because the brain is
00:52:25.560 always looking for the path of least resistance. Uh, and it's a very, it's a very efficient tool,
00:52:30.800 all things considered. The brain is a very, very efficient tool. And so it's making these
00:52:35.860 efficiencies. Well, when you're trying to break them of the efficiencies that they've created,
00:52:40.520 and you might say, well, how can pornography be an efficiency? It's not the pornography.
00:52:44.660 It's the stimulus and then the reward. And it's trying to find those things and formulate those
00:52:52.360 connections. So when you're trying to break those connections, you need to have something to replace
00:52:59.000 that, that activity with. So every time you have an urge to look at pornography or to have a drink or
00:53:04.680 to have a smoke or have whatever, then having somebody that you can reach out to, that you can
00:53:09.740 connect with, uh, that you can jump online and read some stuff about, or have a couple of go-to sources,
00:53:16.060 then, then what you're doing is you're actually rewiring the brain to do something different when
00:53:22.560 it's looking for that stimulus. And that's why it's important. Now, Ron, you also said, why is it
00:53:28.280 important to report? Not just your successes, but your failures, because you have to be honest.
00:53:34.220 You have to be honest. There's no way to get better unless you're being honest. And if you're
00:53:41.200 trying to justify or rationalize, Hey, you know, I've been really good for five days. So like just
00:53:46.660 this once kid, that's not being honest and honesty stings at times when you're trying to be accountable
00:53:55.080 to other guys and you're trying to hold these guys accountable. They're trying to hold you
00:53:58.520 accountable. And you have to report to them that you failed that stings. And by the way, it should,
00:54:05.740 okay. We live in this ultra fragile society where nobody's supposed to feel bad about their decisions
00:54:12.300 and everybody's supposed to live their, their quote unquote lived experience or their, or my truth and
00:54:18.840 all this kind of stuff. And so we have this really weird society where you're not supposed to feel bad
00:54:25.240 about anything that you do, but I would contend that there's actually some things that you should
00:54:31.460 feel bad about or guilty about or upset about or, or anger or frustration, or these, what people would
00:54:38.280 call negative emotions. If you feel that way about it, hopefully the idea is that would cause you to do
00:54:44.100 something different next time. You know, if you're on a diet and you're doing really, really good for
00:54:49.280 seven or 10 days, and then you go to Dunkin' Donuts and you buy a, you know, a baker's dozen of
00:54:54.580 donut holes and you just like pound them down, you're going to feel guilty about that. Right.
00:54:58.260 You should feel guilty about that. Everybody will say, Oh, don't feel guilty. You just, Oh,
00:55:03.180 you, you earned it. You're, you're, you're rewarding yourself. You deserve it, right? That's a lie.
00:55:09.300 And it's at odds with what you're trying to do for yourself. So you're actually going to not only be
00:55:13.000 fat because you keep doing that, you're going to feel shittier mentally, emotionally, because it's a,
00:55:19.220 it's at odds with what you say you want. Same thing with pornography. You know, if, if,
00:55:24.580 if you're not interested in that, you, you know what it can do to you, you know what it can do
00:55:27.800 to your relationships and, and, and you feel that convicted about it. And yet you still engage in
00:55:33.580 the activity. Not only are you engaging in the negative activity, that's going to, that's going
00:55:37.880 to hinder you, but you're also adding to that. The fact that you're going to feel really bad about
00:55:43.500 doing something that's at odds with the way you view yourself and you should feel bad.
00:55:49.260 And then what an accountability group or partner or whatever it may be will help with is they'll help
00:55:55.700 you process that guilt or that failure so that you have a system in place to ensure that you don't
00:56:04.140 continue to fall into those patterns so that you can rewire the patterns for more productive habits
00:56:11.520 moving forward. That's my thought. All right, guys, a couple more here. I keep saying that
00:56:20.220 Manny Alvarez, uh, this one's for, for, for professor Kip. I like that he's now professor Kip.
00:56:26.600 Um, I'm going to read it here and then we can have a Kip answer this next week when he's back,
00:56:31.640 but he says, what training outside of jujitsu do you recommend to enhance performance on the mats?
00:56:36.960 Strength training yoga seem to be the most obviously complimentary forms.
00:56:40.440 Do you recommend any others? So I'll let him answer that. Uh, when he gets back,
00:56:44.940 conditioning is another one I would definitely say in there. So you have strength training,
00:56:47.600 yoga conditioning would be an important element and diet. I've noticed diet, even the diet I have
00:56:52.440 that day, uh, really affects the way I train diet and hydration, but we'll let him answer when he gets
00:56:58.440 back. All right. Last one right here. Austin Yardley, what jujitsu gi do you wear and what gi would you
00:57:03.740 suggest for a beginner? I'm going to start training soon and I'd like your recommendations. Well, I mean,
00:57:09.140 you know what I wear, I wear origin geese exclusively. Um, and, and they've got them
00:57:14.220 all. The one that I really like is, I don't know if it's their newest. It might be their second newest.
00:57:18.800 It's called the path. Uh, so if you go to origin, main.com, you can check out the path. You would
00:57:24.380 click on geese and then click on the path. I believe they have it in black, white, and blue.
00:57:31.080 So that's called the path. And that's the guy I like now, everybody who's not an origin guy is
00:57:37.860 already like, no, you got to get this and you got to get that. And you got to do that. That's what I
00:57:41.020 wear. Um, Kip actually might suggest something different. Cause I know he has some origin geese,
00:57:46.080 but I know he's wears something else typically. So maybe when he's back, we can ask him that question
00:57:50.580 as well. All right. I think we got it all guys. I've got a couple of more here, but we're going to
00:57:56.220 have to save those for another day. Uh, because I need to get to a few other things, speaking of
00:58:02.220 balance and trying to figure out how to make sure we're making the most use of our day. That's what
00:58:06.520 I have to do. So we're capping this at an hour. Uh, again, all these questions came from our
00:58:11.000 exclusive brotherhood, the iron council. If you are interested in that, at least watching the video,
00:58:16.820 knowing what it is we do and what it's all about, then head to order of man.com slash iron council
00:58:22.840 and leave a rating and review, share this episode. Keep on putting the good information
00:58:29.920 out there. Keep on asking the great questions, band with us, let other people know what you're
00:58:34.140 all about, what you're doing, where you're getting this information, how you're improving your own
00:58:37.200 life as a man because they need it as well. All right, man, we'll be back on Friday, but until
00:58:42.180 then go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.
00:58:46.180 Thank you for listening to the order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life
00:58:50.800 and be more of the man you were meant to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.