Order of Man - Building Authority and Influence, Leading Through Adversity, and Overcoming Anger ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest. Embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:06.040 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time. Every time.

00:00:10.540 You are not easily deterred or defeated. Rugged. Resilient. Strong.

00:00:15.600 This is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become.

00:00:19.860 At the end of the day, and after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:00:24.800 All right, guys. What's up? It's good to see everybody here at the main event, third annual main event.

00:00:30.680 So glad you're all here. If you're just listening, because this, guys, will be a podcast.

00:00:34.380 So if you're just listening, you're probably going to hear some background noise.

00:00:37.720 That's because there's a hundred of us men here on our property in Maine doing this main event thing,

00:00:42.400 having a weekend, getting to know each other and help each other out.

00:00:44.940 Hell yeah.

00:00:45.640 Kip, it's good to see you, man.

00:00:46.620 Good to see you.

00:00:47.140 We usually do this via Zoom, so doing it here is a little different. It's a better Zoom.

00:00:50.840 I don't have to see you or sit next to you or any of this stuff.

00:00:53.560 Well, I actually take the Zoom screen where I see you, and I just drag it off the screen

00:00:59.780 so I don't have to see you, and I just look at myself.

00:01:03.120 You do look at yourself, don't you? I do.

00:01:05.360 If you're being honest, we look at ourselves.

00:01:07.240 Yeah, I told you.

00:01:07.900 Good.

00:01:08.420 Change angles, the lighting a little bit.

00:01:09.860 That's right. That's a good-looking hat, too. You got a new hat, it looks like.

00:01:12.320 Thanks for breaking.

00:01:13.440 I wish you guys would have bought some stuff at the store today. What's up with that?

00:01:16.740 We opened the store, and nobody bought a single thing.

00:01:19.760 That's on us, though.

00:01:20.780 You guys can laugh. It's okay.

00:01:22.160 It was all quiet.

00:01:24.180 Yeah, you guys can make some noise.

00:01:25.320 All right, so here's what we're going to do.

00:01:26.960 I don't know how many questions we have, but we'll go for about an hour,

00:01:29.640 and so we've already got a line of guys here.

00:01:31.420 Again, if you're just listening, guys have lined up to the microphone,

00:01:34.180 so we'll do our best to answer some questions for you.

00:01:38.660 Just remember, our answers are really just dependent on how good your questions are.

00:01:43.380 So if you get bad answers, it's probably just a bad question.

00:01:46.200 It has nothing to do with us at all.

00:01:47.840 Yeah, take ownership.

00:01:48.500 That's a joke, by the way, so you look very serious, Daryl, so it's okay.

00:01:52.880 You know what we need?

00:01:53.600 We need someone with a sign that says, like, laugh.

00:01:56.160 Applause.

00:01:56.680 Yeah, there you go.

00:01:57.900 Maybe I'll, like, a little shake here or something.

00:02:00.940 All right, go ahead, brother.

00:02:02.000 What's your question?

00:02:02.940 So we talked a lot about, you know, having the passion in your,

00:02:07.480 my brain just went blank, in your plan.

00:02:13.340 How much do you need of that in your quarterly battle plan?

00:02:17.580 Passion in it.

00:02:18.500 Passion.

00:02:19.080 So you say passion in your plan, just your life in general, you're saying,

00:02:22.120 relative to how much your passion should be in your battle plan?

00:02:24.240 No, I can't think of the, my brain went blank, like I said.

00:02:26.240 The vision of your battle plan?

00:02:27.580 The passion in your vision, how much of that passion do you need to have in your battle,

00:02:32.480 quarterly battle plan as well?

00:02:34.040 For me, I would say enough just to drive you towards the vision.

00:02:37.860 Because sometimes you're going to have to do things in life that aren't necessarily

00:02:40.980 exciting, but they will drive you towards your vision.

00:02:44.840 And that's okay.

00:02:45.480 We were actually talking about that yesterday, is you're, sometimes you're just going to

00:02:49.500 have to do work that kind of sucks.

00:02:51.080 But if it's meaningful and it drives you towards something important, then I would say that's

00:02:57.840 all that you need, right?

00:02:59.140 And so the passion is in the vision.

00:03:00.900 You know, you can think about that in the context of doing difficult things, challenging

00:03:04.080 things, you know, working out in some ways, if you're, you know, unless you're Johnny,

00:03:09.020 like working out, like, I mean, that's not totally always fun to me.

00:03:13.820 It's not enjoyable like other things are, but you know, I do it because it's important

00:03:19.120 and I'm passionate about being in shape and, and doing all the other things I want to do.

00:03:23.960 What would you add though?

00:03:25.240 I like the word being inspired, right?

00:03:29.260 I've used this analogy a couple of times in iron council of your vision needs to move,

00:03:33.900 touch and inspire you and, and inspire.

00:03:37.500 I like better than passion because I can do something really hard.

00:03:41.700 I can have grit.

00:03:42.680 It could be miserable and I could do it in a way that I'm inspired or I'm inspiring.

00:03:47.680 And so I would focus on that for me, for whatever reason, when I think of it, of being inspired,

00:03:54.680 it's a state of being.

00:03:56.460 So how are you going to do that miserable thing?

00:03:59.900 How are you going to show up in the moment?

00:04:02.540 And, and my, I like my vision.

00:04:04.880 We talked about this yesterday, like kind of our visions, like these goals of five years

00:04:09.220 out, or are they a kind of a, a statement of being?

00:04:13.360 I, I lean more in that direction of like, this is how I'm going to show up.

00:04:17.560 Not tomorrow, not in 12 months today, in the moment, this is how I'm going to be in this

00:04:23.820 world.

00:04:24.880 And if I articulate what that looks like, then I can address anything, right?

00:04:29.940 We talk about this a lot.

00:04:31.160 Guys have a tendency to like latch on to like, well, I'll be happy when, right?

00:04:35.440 We, I think we said this last time, right?

00:04:37.580 All right.

00:04:38.040 Maybe a couple of main events ago.

00:04:39.360 It's like, you know, by a raise of hands, right?

00:04:41.640 If my wife did X, we'd have a better marriage. 1.00

00:04:44.760 We actually really believe that.

00:04:48.020 And that's not how it works guys.

00:04:49.480 Like our circumstances don't give us happiness.

00:04:52.340 It's how we show up in spite of our circumstances that give us fulfillment and happiness.

00:04:57.000 And so I really like to focus on how we show up there.

00:05:00.760 So along those lines, I've been thinking about the word for whatever reason has been coming

00:05:04.380 to my mind is exceptional being exceptional.

00:05:07.220 And so we can, this has helped me as we can take mundane tasks from, uh, you know, maybe

00:05:12.560 it's shaving and getting ready for the day to the clothes that you wear, to the way that

00:05:16.520 you show up, to the way that you empty the trash.

00:05:18.580 And look, I'm not going to tell you I'm perfect with all of those things.

00:05:21.200 Of course, obviously I'm not, especially the shaving.

00:05:23.780 I only, you know, I don't get that part right.

00:05:25.440 So, um, but if you show for me anyways, if I show up and I try to be exceptional at a

00:05:32.640 thing, even if it's a mundane thing, it's just better.

00:05:36.400 Like the example that I use, I think I talked about this last week is just walking around

00:05:40.240 the property.

00:05:40.980 I'll walk around the property in the morning and it's something I like to do in the morning

00:05:43.980 and, and I'll pick up trash.

00:05:46.280 You know, if there's just a little piece of trash, it's like, pick it up.

00:05:49.240 And you know, that's not real inspiring necessarily, but being exceptional where you are, where your

00:05:55.160 feet are has helped me to take these mundane tasks that aren't always the most exciting

00:05:59.500 and infuse meaning and purpose into it to make it a more, uh, substantive type type activity.

00:06:06.580 Praman, how about you?

00:06:07.820 Morning, Ryan.

00:06:08.680 Morning, Kip.

00:06:09.260 So my question was about, uh, like a chapter three of your book, Masculinity Manifesto.

00:06:14.220 You talk about influence, authority, and credibility.

00:06:16.780 What's this book?

00:06:17.400 Hold on.

00:06:19.200 It sounds cool.

00:06:20.300 I haven't read it, but I don't know.

00:06:22.160 What's the book again?

00:06:23.180 Uh, Masculinity Manifesto.

00:06:25.040 Check.

00:06:26.560 All right.

00:06:27.200 So in the book, you go into detail about how a man builds influence, authority, and

00:06:32.660 credibility from a point of a business owner or a manager.

00:06:36.620 And I'm currently an employee, so I'm an electrical engineer in the marine space.

00:06:40.800 So I guess I wanted to know more about how a man would build influence and authority specifically.

00:06:46.880 Because credibility, I understand that comes from what I produce consistently.

00:06:50.640 But if you could speak about the principles of influence and authority from a perspective

00:06:54.520 of an employee.

00:06:55.560 Yeah, so it's a really good question.

00:06:57.940 So I think you're starting in the right place because you said, you talked about credibility,

00:07:01.840 right?

00:07:02.560 And credibility is where influence and authority start.

00:07:05.680 It's what's required to have influence with other people and the authority.

00:07:09.980 So if we look at it as a, as a hierarchy, and I'm always hesitant to use it this way because

00:07:14.280 I don't ever want it to be misconstrued as somebody's worth as a human.

00:07:18.100 So when I talk about hierarchy, that's not what I'm referring to.

00:07:21.800 But what I am suggesting is that if you're here in the middle where you are as an employee,

00:07:27.940 you have those who are above you, managers, team leaders, bosses, owners, etc.

00:07:32.640 Those individuals in a corporate environment are the ones who bestow or grant authority, right?

00:07:39.800 You don't get authority unless it is bestowed upon you by a higher power or a higher up,

00:07:46.740 some sort of authority that has the right to give it to you.

00:07:49.980 Does this make sense?

00:07:50.920 Okay, influence comes typically, and this isn't exclusive, but influence can come up from the

00:07:58.060 bottom.

00:07:59.120 So you can now, and even, right, peers, and also above too, because if you have influence,

00:08:07.060 then that's going to help establish some more authority as well.

00:08:09.860 But when I say influence, it comes from all different places, but you have to have credibility

00:08:14.740 to get both.

00:08:15.700 The authority from the higher and the influence with other people to impact their lives.

00:08:22.140 And so when people, again, I'm not talking about worth as a human, but when people below

00:08:27.280 you in a corporate setting, maybe they're newer employees or they don't have quite the rank

00:08:30.920 that you do within the organization, those people are going to look to you as a leader

00:08:35.360 because you're credible.

00:08:38.000 And if you're not credible, they won't look at you as a leader.

00:08:41.040 And if your higher ups don't find you credible, then they won't give you the authority that

00:08:46.960 you need to be able to act on their behalf in a corporate environment.

00:08:51.000 So it all starts with credibility, guys.

00:08:53.600 And how do we establish and build credibility?

00:08:56.120 Well, we pick something that we're interested in and we get really, really good at it.

00:09:00.460 That's it.

00:09:01.240 That's all we can do is we can take something that we're interested in.

00:09:04.520 Jiu-jitsu is a great example.

00:09:05.680 We'll bring this in because we always do.

00:09:07.320 Cripps are credible, credible, right? 1.00

00:09:10.160 He's credible.

00:09:11.140 He also has some authority.

00:09:12.840 Why?

00:09:13.140 Because he's been given a black belt or earned, I should say, a black belt by somebody who

00:09:17.860 had the authority to give that to him.

00:09:20.700 And I'm influenced by Kip because he is credible.

00:09:24.280 I realize that.

00:09:25.100 And also he has the authority because I see that black belt around his waist.

00:09:29.000 Does that make sense?

00:09:30.140 That makes sense.

00:09:30.740 So you're focused on the right thing.

00:09:33.740 Influence and authority just take time, which kind of sucks, but it's the reality of it.

00:09:38.960 Can I call out a common pitfall though?

00:09:41.600 So corporations, especially in the corporate world, they're not perfect, right?

00:09:45.220 So by a raise of hands, who's been, knows someone that's in authority that probably shouldn't

00:09:50.200 be, right?

00:09:51.880 Every hand in the room went up.

00:09:53.340 So we can't fall to that either.

00:09:56.660 We can't assume that, well, I have the authority, thus I have credibility or people should listen

00:10:01.920 to me.

00:10:02.500 That's complete bullshit.

00:10:04.500 And even if you're not in a leadership position, don't wait for the authority either, right?

00:10:10.620 I have a team member at our job, one of our senior engineers, amazing.

00:10:15.180 And he's kind of like, man, I wish I was in management because I want the other developers

00:10:20.080 to like, listen to me.

00:10:22.060 And so I can guide them because I need that authority to do so.

00:10:25.160 And I'm like, I'll drop, name drop.

00:10:27.360 And I was like, hey, Rhett, like, here's the deal.

00:10:29.640 If they listen to you only because you're in a position of authority, then they're not

00:10:35.120 going to listen to you, right?

00:10:37.340 You have to have the credibility first.

00:10:40.840 And when we do that, what's amazing is people see that and it's like almost a no-brainer.

00:10:45.820 If we show up powerfully and we have credibility, then it's like, oh, he gets promoted as a leader

00:10:51.580 and everyone goes, oh yeah, I kind of just assume he already was, right?

00:10:55.500 Like this is not a shocking thing, right?

00:10:57.920 And the last thing I'd add is that credibility, it's about modeling performance.

00:11:03.420 We talked about this in Iron Council Leadership, one of the pillars that we want to

00:11:07.160 focus on in developing leaders in Iron Council, one of those pillars is modeling.

00:11:13.020 I see this all the time where we might have leaders in the organization that are credible

00:11:18.300 in their tech or they're knowledgeable, but they're not delivering results.

00:11:25.020 They're not living from or leading from the front.

00:11:28.860 They do not model what it looks like to perform.

00:11:32.220 And if you're not modeling, you're not credible.

00:11:34.580 You might think you are, right?

00:11:36.560 We might tell our stories like, oh, I know this really well or whatever, but you can't

00:11:39.920 deliver.

00:11:40.840 And if you're not delivering, you're not modeling, you're not credible.

00:11:44.440 And you'll know that because people won't follow you.

00:11:47.940 Like if people aren't listening to you or they aren't asking for your opinion, they

00:11:51.780 aren't asking for your feedback, they aren't following you, then there's some credibility

00:11:55.400 lacking there.

00:11:56.440 Totally.

00:11:56.540 And so many guys that are in that position, correct me if I'm wrong, are like, kind of

00:11:59.960 like, well, I don't know why, you know, it's, it's a social issue or it's, you know, it's

00:12:04.260 like someone else's fault.

00:12:05.560 And you're like, no, dude, you don't perform and people don't trust you.

00:12:10.240 Two levels of trust, character and credibility.

00:12:14.720 You know, I could trust one of you guys.

00:12:16.600 I might, well, I don't know, maybe let me find someone.

00:12:19.720 I might trust you to watch my kids, right?

00:12:21.880 But I may not trust you to implement a software solution.

00:12:24.800 Why?

00:12:25.340 Because you don't have the skill, right?

00:12:27.980 Those are two different things.

00:12:30.540 Okay.

00:12:31.200 Does that help?

00:12:31.840 Sorry.

00:12:32.260 We ran with that a little bit.

00:12:33.640 No, that's good one.

00:12:34.360 Thank you so much.

00:12:34.900 Awesome.

00:12:35.180 Yeah, for sure.

00:12:35.740 Good question.

00:12:37.220 What's up, guys?

00:12:37.960 What's up, man?

00:12:38.680 So.

00:12:39.300 What's your names, right?

00:12:40.640 Yeah.

00:12:41.060 Names.

00:12:41.240 Yeah.

00:12:41.620 Names.

00:12:42.000 Cameron Miller.

00:12:43.100 Cameron.

00:12:43.760 I'm Kip.

00:12:44.460 Just joking.

00:12:45.120 Oh.

00:12:45.920 Hello, Kip.

00:12:47.000 Nice to meet you.

00:12:47.720 So, my parents are not really involved with our family.

00:12:54.160 They're not being the grandparents that I'd like them to be.

00:12:56.640 But I'm worried that if I point it out, then they'll come out and visit because I told them

00:13:00.680 to come out and visit when I don't want that.

00:13:02.680 I want them to want to come out and visit.

00:13:04.720 I want them to want to be involved.

00:13:06.720 So, how do I go about getting them to want to be involved in our family?

00:13:11.840 Well, I, so there's a couple things I think of here is they're not being the grandparents

00:13:17.500 I want them to be.

00:13:18.580 That's very self-centered and egocentric, right?

00:13:21.760 Yeah.

00:13:22.140 Maybe it would be good for your kids.

00:13:23.840 You know, I think that's probably something that you're telling yourself.

00:13:27.000 But why is it so important for you?

00:13:31.240 I haven't thought about that.

00:13:32.380 Yeah.

00:13:32.640 And I mean, that's a question you should really try to figure out.

00:13:35.480 Why is it important to you?

00:13:37.860 Did you not have that?

00:13:39.200 Is there something that there was wrong when you were younger that you felt would have

00:13:43.320 been more helpful?

00:13:45.000 What are the conversations you're having with your kids about it?

00:13:48.120 But you really have to ask, why is that important?

00:13:50.560 Because at the end of the day, like there's really nothing I don't think either one of

00:13:54.380 us could say is try this magic formula or use this magic phrase and they'll want to

00:13:58.840 be more involved.

00:13:59.980 Now, there are, there might be some misunderstandings, maybe, and I don't know, but here's some context.

00:14:05.520 Maybe they don't think they don't think you want them to be involved.

00:14:08.360 I don't know.

00:14:10.000 I'm just throwing out some different context.

00:14:12.600 Maybe they, maybe they're thinking to themselves, well, you know, we really want him to be able

00:14:18.020 to lead his family and we don't want to interject and we don't want to get in the way and they're

00:14:21.600 actually doing it from a good place.

00:14:23.140 I don't know.

00:14:24.320 So there are some conversations you can have.

00:14:26.620 Have you ever asked them why they're not more involved with you guys?

00:14:30.320 No.

00:14:31.600 And you can ask them that.

00:14:33.100 Hold on before, but why haven't you asked them that?

00:14:35.740 Um, I mean, I guess I'm just, uh, we're not trying to pick on you or anything.

00:14:43.500 Like I'm, we're just trying to give you some context of like, like, let's figure it out.

00:14:48.460 Let's communicate with them and figure out and really see if it's that they don't want

00:14:52.780 to be involved or who knows.

00:14:55.560 Do they live close to you guys?

00:14:56.640 No.

00:14:56.800 So maybe financial, it's a financial constraint.

00:15:00.400 It could be that.

00:15:01.660 And so it's like, well, that's okay.

00:15:03.100 We could do a family call, uh, FaceTime every Monday night and that might be it.

00:15:07.680 And they don't even think about that.

00:15:09.160 Yeah, that's true.

00:15:10.180 But I would, I would say a good place to start is to get on the same page by communication

00:15:14.460 and ask, Hey, we w we really want you to be involved in our lives, in the kids' lives.

00:15:20.900 And from, from our position, you're not as involved as I thought you would be, or we

00:15:24.620 would like you to be.

00:15:25.400 Is there a reason why?

00:15:27.540 And open up the lines of communication.

00:15:29.100 And you might find out that what you're assuming is not it at all.

00:15:33.860 They, they have their own stories.

00:15:35.680 That's true.

00:15:36.280 Right.

00:15:36.420 Their stories, like our son doesn't even want us around and we, he's not loved and he's

00:15:40.980 our, like who knows what their story is.

00:15:42.940 Right.

00:15:43.200 And so, and I, but I, I want to be really clear.

00:15:45.560 I can relate to that.

00:15:46.600 Right.

00:15:46.840 There's, there's a level of like, is my wife having sex with me more because I asked

00:15:51.380 or because she wants, you know what I mean?

00:15:52.520 Like there's those little scenarios and we add meaning to it, but it's going to be an

00:15:56.860 unknown unless you have the conversation.

00:15:59.300 Just one last thought.

00:16:00.600 And this was like a major change in my life.

00:16:04.020 I was at a conference and I don't even talk about this very often, but that we have a

00:16:10.080 really broken relationship with, with my parents.

00:16:13.220 I have eight siblings and one of them, one and a half of them is in communication with

00:16:19.820 my mom.

00:16:20.940 That's it.

00:16:22.040 Other ones haven't talked to my mom probably for 20, 30 years.

00:16:25.820 Right.

00:16:26.460 Really like, and they start talking and then like people start disowning each other.

00:16:30.580 It's like crazy drama.

00:16:32.080 Okay.

00:16:33.540 And, um, I'm going to be really frank here.

00:16:35.400 And I was at, at this conference with my brother and he goes, how in the hell can you love her?

00:16:41.340 He asked me that question.

00:16:42.440 How can you love her?

00:16:44.460 And, and some of us, if we ask that question, we might go, well, because of, and then we

00:16:49.580 like lists, right?

00:16:50.860 And my answer was because I choose to not based upon whether they visit, not based upon any action

00:16:59.040 because it's a choice and I've, I've chose to love them the way they are, period.

00:17:08.140 And, and that's a very powerful thing that we can actually teach our kids is grandma and

00:17:12.300 grandpa.

00:17:12.660 Perfect.

00:17:13.100 Is these scenarios perfect?

00:17:14.400 No, they're not.

00:17:15.060 And that's where they are.

00:17:16.580 And we choose to, we can choose to love them the way they are.

00:17:20.780 Now I want to be really careful.

00:17:22.280 Cause he's like, I'm biting at the bit to go like, well, barriers and is it healthy?

00:17:25.980 And you know, like don't ignore those things, but it's still a choice and be really careful

00:17:31.600 based upon the expectations and reasons we choose to love someone.

00:17:36.880 Because what happens when they're not doing that anymore, right?

00:17:43.320 If your wife chooses not to show up a certain way, what you're going to throw out of the

00:17:47.160 boat, right?

00:17:50.540 Like I really get clear that that's a choice that we have.

00:17:53.460 I would add to the other thing about, uh, you were talking about, uh, whether they want

00:17:58.980 to, you want them to want to, you don't want them to do it because you asked.

00:18:03.500 I would actually challenge that too.

00:18:05.240 Why does it matter?

00:18:05.800 Well, why does it matter why they do?

00:18:08.140 Here's, here's another context, but here's another context of it.

00:18:12.240 Let's say they can't or don't want to, for whatever reason, we can fill in the blank on

00:18:16.660 that, but they do because you asked the context that you can take from that is, well, they

00:18:22.900 love me.

00:18:24.080 This isn't something they necessarily want to do, but they're choosing to do it because

00:18:27.680 I asked them to do it and now they're doing it.

00:18:30.120 And that's actually pretty cool.

00:18:32.420 Right.

00:18:32.860 And then from there, it's a, it's a matter of rewarding that behavior.

00:18:36.640 So it's like, Hey mom, Hey dad, you know, I, I just want to say over the past several

00:18:41.520 months, your guys' level of engagement and involvement with us and the kids has been

00:18:45.840 amazing.

00:18:46.440 The kids love it.

00:18:47.800 We love it.

00:18:48.600 It's been so good to get to know you guys.

00:18:50.780 And I'm glad that we are moving in this direction and now you're rewarding the behavior that

00:18:56.780 you want to see.

00:18:57.600 And they're probably going to do more of it without you having to ask because they know

00:19:02.520 you value it, but they may not even know that you value it.

00:19:05.800 Again, that goes back to the stories that we're making up and you have to get to the

00:19:09.780 root of that.

00:19:10.300 And if you're going to make up a story and you are right now, you're just making something

00:19:13.220 up.

00:19:13.520 You might as well make one up that serves you, right?

00:19:17.700 So a story that serves you is they love me and they want me to be able to lead my family

00:19:22.380 as a man on my own.

00:19:24.300 That's just, that's a story that you can make up and that's a powerful context, but then

00:19:28.080 get to the root of it by talking with them.

00:19:30.380 Nice.

00:19:31.020 Good question.

00:19:31.760 Cool.

00:19:32.100 Thanks, thanks brother.

00:19:32.920 Appreciate it.

00:19:35.360 So my, my question is I have a business that's growing and as it's growing, there's a lot of

00:19:41.320 demands in the business.

00:19:42.360 The transition though, from business to home is really difficult for me.

00:19:47.800 So demands, I have all these tasks, I have a career of project management.

00:19:52.300 I know I need to do this and this and this.

00:19:53.780 I get home and I have to slow down and sit with my six year old and read a book, which

00:20:00.280 I do probably once a week rather than every day.

00:20:02.860 So that transition has been really difficult for me.

00:20:05.440 So what, what are some things to help me get unstuck in that?

00:20:09.840 I, I gotta be really careful of answering this question.

00:20:12.160 Cause I'm not good at it.

00:20:14.400 Next question.

00:20:15.220 I'm just going to, I'm just going to, so I'm going to answer this question the way I'm going

00:20:19.380 to speak to myself, like not to you.

00:20:21.920 Here's what I, here's what I need to do better.

00:20:24.500 Um, one thing you said is I need to slow down.

00:20:27.380 I don't think again, I'm not, I'm talking to myself more because what you're saying is

00:20:32.000 something I would have said to, I don't think it's slowing down, but is it, does the pace

00:20:37.440 have to slow down?

00:20:38.360 I mean, technically you're not like grinding it out like you would be at work and you're

00:20:41.940 not punching away at the keyboard or doing your tasks or making calls, but can't you

00:20:46.020 be just as actively engaged at home?

00:20:48.380 And I'm saying you, but me, can't I be just as actively engaged at home as I am with work

00:20:53.800 in reading that book is reading the book slowing down?

00:20:57.620 I don't think so.

00:20:59.020 It's just shifting priorities.

00:21:00.840 It's just shifting gears a little bit, but you're still, you still crank away.

00:21:05.200 I wish we would say that we say hustle and grind at work.

00:21:08.420 We, that's the context we always hear of.

00:21:10.240 It's like hustle and grind at work, man.

00:21:12.160 What if we learned how to hustle and grind at home just as hard as we do at work?

00:21:17.160 And it's, it's harder because at work we can measure, at least I can.

00:21:21.280 I think most of us would attest to this, that we can measure our performance.

00:21:24.540 It's very easy to do that.

00:21:25.880 Like we can look at a number of clients, number of new clients this week, a number of

00:21:30.360 receivables, uh, income debt being paid down, all very quantifiable.

00:21:35.580 But how do we quantify, man, you know, I was a really good father tonight or I was really

00:21:41.760 a good husband tonight.

00:21:43.080 I, man, that's hard to do, which is maybe why we have such an aversion to doing it or

00:21:48.080 not an aversion, but we just tend to migrate more heavily towards something that we can quantify.

00:21:53.800 Uh, now I will say things that have helped me out is having transitionary periods.

00:21:58.400 Do you, you work at home, right?

00:21:59.720 I work in an office.

00:22:00.940 Yeah.

00:22:01.240 It's about 15 minutes.

00:22:02.280 Oh, you work at, okay.

00:22:03.060 I thought you worked at home.

00:22:04.180 So that does help.

00:22:05.700 Um, what I would suggest, what do you do on your drive from the office to the, to the house?

00:22:09.980 I actually started biking.

00:22:10.740 So I have 15 minutes on the bike.

00:22:12.460 What did you do before?

00:22:14.240 Just drove.

00:22:15.160 And what did you listen to music?

00:22:16.720 Did you listen to Metallica?

00:22:18.160 What'd you do?

00:22:18.880 Usually music.

00:22:19.860 Music.

00:22:20.220 It's two songs.

00:22:21.000 It's such a short commute.

00:22:22.080 It's quick.

00:22:22.520 Yeah.

00:22:22.700 So I was doing that and I would listen to self-help stuff on the way home.

00:22:27.420 Bad idea.

00:22:29.160 Bad idea.

00:22:30.340 Cause I'd get done with work and then I'd listen to self-development stuff on the way home,

00:22:34.580 a podcast or whatever.

00:22:35.660 And then I'd be home and I'm like self-development mode.

00:22:37.900 It's like, no husband, father mode.

00:22:39.880 So, um, guys, I would suggest to you, if you have a commute of any sort and you need

00:22:45.240 to transition from going to business to home, silent time.

00:22:49.060 We're in you.

00:22:49.880 Right.

00:22:50.180 Is that what you said the other day?

00:22:51.460 Yeah.

00:22:51.640 But that was usually, I wasn't going to say, do I need to say that our conversations need

00:22:56.040 to stay between us?

00:22:56.980 I just assumed that was, that was a given.

00:22:59.660 Those things are private.

00:23:00.920 I'll let you know if I want you to share those things.

00:23:02.780 The dance on repeat.

00:23:04.220 No, I would suggest that you take that 15 minutes as a real opportunity for transition.

00:23:10.560 So you start to unplug and unwind from work and you start to go into father husband mode.

00:23:16.460 Um, I had a guy that I worked with and he had a big tree limb right outside of his front

00:23:20.320 door and he would drive home and he would get there and he would literally hang on the

00:23:23.800 tree limb before he got, he went in the house and he was telling me about this.

00:23:27.500 I asked him why he did that.

00:23:28.520 And he said, it literally is a, is a representation of me hanging my troubles at the door.

00:23:34.760 And so he'd hang on that for 15, 20 seconds or whatever.

00:23:37.900 And then he would go inside and he had that transitionary period.

00:23:41.460 So the thing I would suggest to me and to all of us is to be very deliberate and intentional

00:23:47.380 about how we're transitioning.

00:23:49.160 And do we have that margin and that buffer to be able to make the switch?

00:23:52.600 Cause it's different, right?

00:23:54.400 Sometimes my wife will say, are you talking to me or one of your guys?

00:23:58.060 Okay.

00:23:58.420 That's when I know I haven't made the shift, right?

00:24:01.440 I haven't made the shift effectively and I need to do that.

00:24:03.580 But we need, we need space.

00:24:04.800 We need a margin and buffer to do that.

00:24:06.700 Another good time to do that would be at the end of the day.

00:24:09.080 If you close out at five o'clock, maybe learn to close out at four 30, four 45.

00:24:13.780 And then you can take that 15 minutes to, Hey, you know, um, here's the things I got done

00:24:19.100 today.

00:24:19.620 Here's the things I need to do tomorrow.

00:24:21.140 Write them down, get them ready to go.

00:24:23.060 I need to do those things tomorrow.

00:24:24.620 Get them out of your brain and then just leave them there.

00:24:27.420 Just, just leave them there.

00:24:29.220 But you have to have a system to be able to do that.

00:24:31.100 Like leave the laptop at the office.

00:24:33.500 Yeah.

00:24:33.980 Cause I all sometimes pack up really quick.

00:24:35.940 I'm like, I'm going to head home.

00:24:37.040 I'll do that when I get home.

00:24:38.120 I get the jitters from that.

00:24:39.580 Yeah.

00:24:40.040 Yeah.

00:24:40.360 Bad call.

00:24:41.200 No, I'm saying it's a, that's a real challenge.

00:24:43.560 Of course.

00:24:44.480 Totally.

00:24:45.220 Well, and also making sure that you're managing expectations with clients too.

00:24:49.100 Right.

00:24:49.520 It's like, Hey, I'm done at six o'clock.

00:24:52.220 This is as far as I'm getting and realistic expectations about what you can get done.

00:24:56.100 If you're telling a client, Hey, that's going to take two weeks, but it's going to take

00:24:58.680 two months.

00:24:59.460 It's going to take two months.

00:25:00.920 So we don't want to tell them two weeks.

00:25:02.320 Cause what do we do?

00:25:03.500 Bring it home.

00:25:04.640 And then it looms over us while we should be working.

00:25:07.020 I mean, excuse me, while we should be engaged with our families.

00:25:09.540 Some of you guys with short, shorter visions.

00:25:12.500 I keep that in my journal.

00:25:14.020 It's, you know, it's like on a cue card and the times I've done this the best I pull into

00:25:19.520 the driver and I pull that out and I read that, you know, as a state of like, this

00:25:23.540 is how I'm going to walk through that door.

00:25:26.100 Um, a story to reiterate the importance of this.

00:25:29.540 I remember when, when I first got divorced, it was my first summer with my kids full time.

00:25:36.960 And, and, and I had them all summer long and I worked at the time I worked from 6am to

00:25:44.380 probably about four or 5pm.

00:25:46.680 That was my working window.

00:25:47.920 And then all of a sudden I have these two little boys and I'm like, when does daycare

00:25:51.520 start like nine?

00:25:53.380 Right.

00:25:53.780 And then they're done by like two.

00:25:56.800 I'm like, this doesn't even add up.

00:25:58.780 Right.

00:25:58.960 I can't even get to the office and drop them off.

00:26:01.020 Like it was the, the math wasn't working.

00:26:03.700 The schedule is impossible.

00:26:05.180 And so what I would do is I go to work late.

00:26:07.080 I'd come home and I'd work once, like while we're having dinner, I'm making macaroni and

00:26:12.160 cheese.

00:26:12.420 Cause that's all I know how to cook.

00:26:13.600 And then you don't even, I'm trying to work.

00:26:15.120 And, uh, I mean, maybe I don't want to admit this, but at one point I eventually just lost

00:26:21.120 it and I pinned one of my kids up against a wall and I yelled at him and he was afraid

00:26:26.760 of me.

00:26:29.520 And I'm like, this is my legacy.

00:26:32.720 Not worth it.

00:26:34.860 So then moving on forward from there, I literally had the mentality of like, come home, man, I'm

00:26:40.820 stressed.

00:26:41.200 I have all this work to do.

00:26:42.020 I have all these things to do.

00:26:42.820 And I'd be like, F it, it doesn't matter.

00:26:47.000 And I just play Legos and ignore all the suffering and like all the drama I had.

00:26:53.540 I just pretend it doesn't even exist.

00:26:56.140 And then we get in bed.

00:26:57.720 Once they fall asleep, then I'd be like, ah, shit, it's going to be a long night.

00:27:02.560 Yeah.

00:27:02.880 You know what I mean?

00:27:03.480 And then I'd work.

00:27:04.480 But if I try to multitask, man, that shit never works.

00:27:08.580 And every so often I'll try, I'll come home and I'll be like, oh, I'm going to get the

00:27:12.020 house clean and spend quality time with my kid.

00:27:14.920 No, it doesn't work.

00:27:16.600 Everyone's pissed off and angry.

00:27:18.120 They start asking, when's mom coming home?

00:27:19.980 You know, not a good, not a good experience.

00:27:23.240 I would also suggest you said, um, you know, all the drama, everything else that you have

00:27:27.380 at work initially.

00:27:28.660 Usually yes.

00:27:29.280 But if you create some systems and better expectations, this is what professionals don't

00:27:33.660 do with their clients.

00:27:34.580 They don't create good, healthy boundaries with their clients.

00:27:37.560 And, and so if you're always accessible, then you're training your clients to access your

00:27:43.340 time at any time.

00:27:45.120 If you say, Hey, I'm available in these hours, nine to five or whatever it is and stick to

00:27:51.220 it.

00:27:51.440 So when they email you or call you at six, don't answer the phone and it's going to be

00:27:56.300 really, really uncomfortable at first.

00:27:58.320 But the more you do it, the more you real, the more they realize, oh, he's serious about

00:28:03.100 that.

00:28:03.640 And they'll start to respect that because you're training them to treat you that way.

00:28:08.140 So the drama will ensue because you've encouraged and fostered it, but eventually it will go away.

00:28:15.540 If you, if you set, communicate and uphold healthy boundaries, even with clients.

00:28:21.620 And I know I hear people all the time, oh, but I'll lose business.

00:28:24.560 Oh, but they'll go somewhere else.

00:28:26.800 Maybe, but probably not.

00:28:29.080 If you're respecting yourself, if you respect them, if you do a good job for them, which

00:28:34.760 I know you do, they're not going anywhere else.

00:28:37.920 In fact, they're going to appreciate it.

00:28:39.540 If you explain it and you say, Hey, look, I I'm done at six.

00:28:43.080 I don't answer emails.

00:28:43.900 I don't answer calls at six o'clock because that's my family's time.

00:28:49.160 And you explain that to them.

00:28:51.000 And I'd be like, that's cool.

00:28:52.700 I like that.

00:28:53.440 I would respect that.

00:28:55.440 Thanks, Chris.

00:28:57.000 I feel like we should like clap for ourselves.

00:28:59.780 Maybe for us.

00:29:00.540 Right.

00:29:01.000 I mean, it's a decent question.

00:29:02.360 Great answer.

00:29:03.220 Yeah.

00:29:04.340 Does that feel way better?

00:29:06.140 We need to incorporate like a clapping.

00:29:08.200 This is like after we've been talking a lot about it this week, about the importance of

00:29:13.020 external validation.

00:29:14.280 So yeah, making the importance of it.

00:29:16.780 How do we find it?

00:29:17.780 That's right.

00:29:18.220 Yeah.

00:29:18.400 Social media, signing up, using that likes.

00:29:21.280 Yeah.

00:29:22.080 That's what we're about here.

00:29:24.300 And he is a good dad.

00:29:25.460 So I'm Jeff Gratney.

00:29:28.100 And I see a lot of different organizations with thrusts and purposes.

00:29:34.840 And I can't think of something more powerful than the position that Order of Man is in this

00:29:41.020 culture, in this world.

00:29:42.760 And so it makes me think.

00:29:44.600 Of course, I'm a business owner also.

00:29:45.900 And so I'm always looking ahead, two, three, five years with the Order of Man, with what

00:29:51.460 you can talk about, what is your vision?

00:29:53.820 What do you see happening with Order of Man in two years, five years?

00:29:58.000 What kind of new ideas or new boundaries to go past?

00:30:03.200 Yeah, I don't know, actually.

00:30:06.540 I feel like at this point, I'm along for the ride.

00:30:09.360 I feel like I always have.

00:30:11.160 But I'm always up for the ride, too.

00:30:13.400 And I think that's one of the things that's made this pretty exciting for me is that I

00:30:16.880 don't really have a bunch of expectations about what it could or should be over the next

00:30:21.120 two to five years.

00:30:21.860 I just organically let it be what it is.

00:30:24.540 And things are going to change.

00:30:25.760 And new technology is going to be available.

00:30:27.600 And situations in my own personal life change and adapt.

00:30:30.720 And, you know, so it's like, let's, I never would have thought that I'd be here if you

00:30:34.440 would have asked me four years ago that we'd be here having this conversation in Maine

00:30:37.740 and a barn that we bought in this property.

00:30:40.620 I would have never imagined that.

00:30:42.520 So why would I plan for that?

00:30:44.440 I think sometimes planning hinders us sometimes.

00:30:47.580 Not always.

00:30:48.660 I mean, we talk a lot about planning, but I think sometimes it can hamstring us and hinder

00:30:52.220 us and keep us from doing something that could be amazing.

00:30:57.340 Like, I remember when we came here, people would say all the time, oh, why are you doing

00:31:00.320 that?

00:31:00.740 Adventure.

00:31:02.280 And you just have this blank.

00:31:03.300 They'd have this blank look on their face.

00:31:05.380 Why wouldn't I do it?

00:31:06.520 You know, and people will say, well, you know, I, I, we really wish we could do something

00:31:10.760 like that, but we have friends here and we have bills and the mortgage and the school

00:31:15.380 and the, this and the, that.

00:31:16.480 I'm like, yeah, I had all that stuff too.

00:31:20.140 So I, I guess my, to wrap it all up, I'm just trying to be open-minded to what this could

00:31:26.420 be.

00:31:26.940 And I see you guys and I see how powerful it is.

00:31:30.540 I get emails and messages every day in ways that maybe there's a specific podcast that we

00:31:35.060 did.

00:31:35.220 I looked at Kip, it was never a podcast.

00:31:36.860 Kip did.

00:31:37.480 I don't know why I looked over at Kip.

00:31:38.800 Those messages only come to me.

00:31:42.180 But no, I mean, I, I, I, I hear how it's helped relationships or helped, uh, personal

00:31:47.320 issues that people are dealing with.

00:31:48.820 And that's, that's enough for me.

00:31:50.600 I just want more of that.

00:31:51.860 And I don't really know where it's going to go.

00:31:53.960 Okay.

00:31:54.240 But I'm open to it.

00:31:55.280 You're so good at this, by the way.

00:31:56.940 What do you mean?

00:31:57.600 Well, this, please continue to, please do elaborate the focus of the weekend.

00:32:03.660 Yeah.

00:32:04.140 Next year's main event validation is what's what it's called.

00:32:07.540 No, I, you're, this is like a superpower of yours.

00:32:10.620 I, I've always thought this was so interesting where you're just kind of like no expectation,

00:32:14.960 like, Hey, I'm going to take advantage of opportunity when it shows up.

00:32:18.460 Right.

00:32:19.560 And, and see where it goes.

00:32:21.320 And you're content with that.

00:32:22.680 I'm, I'm so, I overanalyze and I'll be like, well, if it doesn't look this way, then it's

00:32:27.980 failing or it's not succeeding and I'll over map it and, and almost force my will upon it

00:32:34.860 to the, to the extent that if it doesn't happen, then something's wrong.

00:32:39.700 And, and you're really good at this.

00:32:41.340 And we were kind of talking about this in jujitsu yesterday, right?

00:32:44.260 It's like we, we prepare ourselves with skill and capability.

00:32:47.820 So when opportunity presents itself, we take advantage of it.

00:32:52.360 But sometimes what's outside of our realm of control, why try to dictate what that is?

00:33:00.500 Cause it's outside of your realm of control.

00:33:02.300 So like let opportunity create itself and then take it and be in a position to take advantage

00:33:07.440 of it when it shows up.

00:33:08.520 And I just think you're really good at it.

00:33:10.300 I like your shirt, by the way.

00:33:11.240 I do appreciate both the compliments.

00:33:13.060 Um, and I, I would say, I just think life's more exciting that way.

00:33:19.080 It's just more exciting.

00:33:20.320 It's like, I can't really think of anything I've done that wouldn't, that if it didn't

00:33:25.060 work out, I wouldn't be able to recover from, you know, like we're not talking about brain

00:33:29.300 surgery here.

00:33:29.940 Like if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

00:33:31.780 We lose some money.

00:33:32.600 We lose some time.

00:33:33.480 And maybe I could add a little more like trends, any trends that you see or a hotspot

00:33:39.860 in men's topics, men's issues.

00:33:41.560 I mean, you're, you're part of the trend right now.

00:33:43.820 The trend is men need to get together face to face, shoulder to shoulder and have more

00:33:48.140 conversations.

00:33:48.820 Now I've talked a lot about it this weekend is not talking about all the things that are

00:33:53.940 going wonderful in your life.

00:33:55.620 Cause we do that by default.

00:33:57.440 I don't have to, like, I don't have to extract that from anybody, but what we do need to talk

00:34:02.400 about is all the shit that's going on in our lives. 0.59

00:34:05.240 And I told you guys, and I'll say it because this is going to be in the podcast and there's

00:34:08.480 going to be a lot of people who listen.

00:34:10.160 I had a conversation about some, some of my own personal issues that I, that I'm going

00:34:14.520 through and I talked to a friend about it.

00:34:17.640 I confided in him and he confided in me and shared a little bit about his personal story

00:34:22.180 and I was blown away.

00:34:23.560 I felt so bad for him.

00:34:24.780 I, I, I honestly, I felt so bad for him.

00:34:26.960 He was going through the same thing, similar to what I, what I've been going through.

00:34:30.020 And I was like, man, why didn't you tell me that?

00:34:33.680 And he's like, yeah, why didn't you tell me?

00:34:35.780 I'm like, oh yeah, we all have these problems and nobody's talking about it.

00:34:41.180 It's our ego and our arrogance and our pride and it's getting in the way.

00:34:45.060 And now we're talking about the game and the weather and how great the business is and

00:34:49.260 how wonderful your wife and kids are doing.

00:34:51.500 None of that's true.

00:34:53.020 Like how many of you are struggling in some way in your relationship right now, in some way,

00:34:57.760 to some degree, I mean, like that's 80% of the hands.

00:35:01.420 How many of you are dealing with some sort of medical condition that, uh, you haven't

00:35:06.300 had to deal with over the past, maybe even in the last three to five years.

00:35:11.120 Okay.

00:35:11.680 That's about what half of the hands.

00:35:13.620 How many of you have had problems with either your finances or your business in the past

00:35:19.420 three years?

00:35:20.900 I mean, like, and then, and then if I ask all of you guys and I'm just, I'm not trying to

00:35:25.900 knock on you here because I would have fallen in for the same thing.

00:35:28.540 If I say, how's the business?

00:35:29.900 You'd say it's pretty good.

00:35:30.960 Really?

00:35:31.260 Well, you just raised your hand and told me that it's not.

00:35:33.780 And I'd say, how's your wife doing?

00:35:35.200 Oh man, it's amazing.

00:35:36.180 Marriage is great.

00:35:36.900 We're going to be, you know, 10 years coming up.

00:35:38.900 This is so awesome.

00:35:39.800 We're going on six months of not having sex.

00:35:42.020 It's awesome.

00:35:43.140 Right.

00:35:43.720 Or, or, or how, how, how's the family?

00:35:46.140 How's your kids?

00:35:46.740 Oh, they're great.

00:35:47.460 Well, actually they're not great.

00:35:49.140 You know, little Timmy's, uh, vaping at school and he's about to get kicked out of school.

00:35:53.540 And, and, you know, Cindy's, uh, having sex with her boyfriend and we're not talking about it.

00:36:00.040 You know, it's like, what?

00:36:01.120 I don't understand.

00:36:02.080 I wish we would talk about it.

00:36:03.260 And that's the trend is that we learn to talk more about those things.

00:36:06.080 So I can tell you if I've gone through it, Hey man, here's what I've gone through.

00:36:10.320 Or maybe it's just putting my arm around you and say, bro, I love you.

00:36:13.240 I'm sorry.

00:36:14.060 Yeah.

00:36:14.260 Kip likes that.

00:36:15.100 It's good.

00:36:16.200 He just wants me to choke him out.

00:36:18.160 You know?

00:36:18.760 Or maybe it's like, Hey, you're, you're screwing up.

00:36:21.400 You know, you're screwing up.

00:36:22.540 Like I, it's, it's different for different people, but I wish more of us talked about

00:36:26.340 that.

00:36:26.600 And I'm going to be on a crusade to make sure we do.

00:36:28.740 And what's ironic is that's not going to be available until we lead and we go first

00:36:35.960 and we open up the conversation.

00:36:38.140 Like you can't sit back and like, well, I'm going to wait until Ryan opens up and then

00:36:41.840 I'll open up.

00:36:42.500 Right.

00:36:42.760 You guys know this.

00:36:43.480 We have a lot of battle team leaders in the iron council here, right?

00:36:46.440 If your team's being superficial and not very authentic, what do you need to do as a team

00:36:50.180 lead, show up on the call, be authentic, be humble, start sharing, showing them, right?

00:36:57.340 What it looks like to lead from the front.

00:36:59.180 And this is not just an order of man thing, right?

00:37:01.580 Like I get pissed off when I think about church, man, that's superficial, right?

00:37:06.840 We always talk about like sometimes in church and men's groups where I was like, Hey, how

00:37:10.460 do we be better as men?

00:37:12.080 And it's all hypothetical 30,000 view of what we need to be doing.

00:37:17.120 But no one's raising their hand saying, Hey, you know what?

00:37:18.920 I have a problem with pornography.

00:37:20.160 Let's talk about that.

00:37:21.860 Well, shit, you know, one wants to touch that.

00:37:23.960 Right?

00:37:24.300 Why?

00:37:26.840 We should be, we should be doing that, especially if we're all dealing with the same issues.

00:37:32.120 We all are.

00:37:33.080 All of us are absolutely.

00:37:35.780 And we're all hiding from it.

00:37:37.440 We're going to fix that.

00:37:38.780 Should we clap?

00:37:39.400 I'm just joking.

00:37:40.640 All right.

00:37:43.040 Yeah.

00:37:43.920 Yeah.

00:37:44.200 That's good.

00:37:44.860 Yeah.

00:37:46.080 Next question.

00:37:47.100 Oh, wait.

00:37:47.220 Generally ready.

00:37:47.940 The guy after you.

00:37:49.640 Next.

00:37:51.220 Nice to meet you guys.

00:37:52.520 Ryan, Kip.

00:37:54.080 On the topic of problems, Ryan, you and I briefly talked about this at the immersion camp.

00:37:59.620 My brother has a bad gambling addiction.

00:38:02.020 And I've put a lot of resources into helping him out.

00:38:05.760 And we kind of stalled out.

00:38:07.720 You know, he's not really engaged.

00:38:10.120 And so I've kind of stepped back.

00:38:12.440 So my question is, you know, when do you know that you've put enough effort in and it's

00:38:16.480 time to kind of step back and let him sort it out for himself?

00:38:20.300 What, what more is there can, is it, can you do that he would respond to?

00:38:26.620 Well, his response is he will shut down.

00:38:30.080 If I reach, if I reach out to him, text messages, calls, he'll just shut down.

00:38:34.600 Okay.

00:38:34.800 He won't answer.

00:38:35.520 He doesn't want the accountability.

00:38:36.540 So, yeah.

00:38:37.440 So knowing that, how much longer should you continue to reach out and talk to him about

00:38:44.100 it?

00:38:44.500 Yeah.

00:38:44.780 That's really the question.

00:38:45.840 Zero.

00:38:46.120 Because it's actually harmful.

00:38:49.260 Not harmful.

00:38:49.820 To your relationship, right?

00:38:51.240 No, I'm not even saying that.

00:38:52.480 I mean, it could, yeah, definitely.

00:38:54.080 It could, I'm not, that's the one I'm going to say.

00:38:55.700 It's, it's producing the opposite result.

00:38:58.040 You're pushing him away.

00:38:59.400 And so you're at the point now where I think if based on our limited conversation where there's

00:39:06.160 not much more you can do related to gambling, because when you bring it up, he's pushes

00:39:11.040 away from it.

00:39:11.940 And now you're just chasing him.

00:39:13.340 Let me give you an example.

00:39:14.540 So this morning, Taylor and I were driving up the road and we saw a bunch of turkeys down

00:39:19.800 here and I'm like, let's go grab the gun.

00:39:21.820 Not you guys, like actual turkeys, actual turkeys.

00:39:25.340 So I, so Taylor and myself and I grabbed Brecken and we go out there and I said, Hey, Taylor,

00:39:30.880 why don't you go that way?

00:39:32.060 I'll go the other way and you drive them and push them towards me.

00:39:34.700 So he did.

00:39:35.280 He came, he was up on the hill.

00:39:36.500 He pushed them down towards me where me and Brecken were and we heard him clucking.

00:39:40.160 We heard the turkeys clucking.

00:39:41.100 So me and Brecken are just hunkered down waiting for him to come into us.

00:39:44.640 And, uh, and all the, we didn't see anything.

00:39:48.020 I guess they must've saw us or winded us or something and just went around us and we didn't

00:39:51.300 see him.

00:39:51.720 So Taylor comes down and we're thinking about what we should do and we're like, well,

00:39:55.200 let's just follow him.

00:39:56.660 Why?

00:39:57.720 Like the more that we follow, there's just going to push them further and further.

00:40:00.840 Like that's not going to happen.

00:40:02.340 We need to get out in front of them.

00:40:03.600 So that's a little bit about what's happening, but I can tell you what you can do.

00:40:08.460 You can just call him and say, uh, Hey man, like you want to go catch the game tonight?

00:40:14.160 Yeah.

00:40:14.580 The, the big, the biggest progress we made was when I got him to meet up with me and we

00:40:21.080 had a lot of progress.

00:40:22.340 What is, what do you mean by progress?

00:40:24.440 We had a lot of good conversations.

00:40:26.120 We had a lot of good, about the vision of what he wanted for his life and how he wanted

00:40:30.060 to show up and then the fall, then there was no follow-up, no answering of phone calls,

00:40:37.420 no answering of text messages.

00:40:39.380 Why do you think that is?

00:40:41.240 Not sure.

00:40:42.980 Do you think that he enjoyed the conversations you guys had?

00:40:46.940 That was my perception.

00:40:48.460 Seemed like he did.

00:40:49.420 Yeah.

00:40:50.960 If, if I were in your shoes, Johnny, what I would do is I would be the best brother that

00:40:55.600 I could be without worrying about fixing him.

00:40:57.940 Hey man, let's go catch the game.

00:41:00.380 No, I don't, I don't want to talk about your life vision.

00:41:02.480 Like, so I just told you guys, let's get deep and talk about this stuff.

00:41:06.360 And, and now I'm telling you like with him, I probably would say, Hey, let's go watch the

00:41:11.120 game.

00:41:11.920 Like, don't talk about gambling.

00:41:14.380 Don't talk about life's problems.

00:41:16.080 Don't talk about his vision.

00:41:17.520 Just talk about how great the game was or how great these seats are.

00:41:21.140 You know, like what, like instead of going that route, just be a brother to him and let

00:41:28.300 him come when he's ready.

00:41:29.840 And maybe he will, and maybe he won't, which sucks if he doesn't.

00:41:35.420 But good resource.

00:41:36.720 Uh, the anatomy of peace or the outward mindset, both of those books are really great.

00:41:42.540 And, and that pyramid, which you need to stop, start at the bottom, the top of the pyramid

00:41:46.920 is influence and correction.

00:41:49.180 Those are the last things we do.

00:41:51.400 The first things that you do is have a credible relationship with them.

00:41:55.880 Actually, the first thing is actually change your mindset that your brother is whole and

00:41:59.960 complete and perfect.

00:42:01.180 Exactly.

00:42:01.500 The way he is shifting your mindset.

00:42:05.080 Yep.

00:42:05.440 Yeah.

00:42:05.740 And then it's love him.

00:42:08.200 That's it.

00:42:09.280 And then eventually you can get to a place of influence.

00:42:12.160 And, and, and I, I know this book.

00:42:15.180 Why?

00:42:15.520 Because this is, was my relationship with my stepson, right?

00:42:19.320 Kiara, you need to get your, your life in order.

00:42:21.580 You need to do and show up a certain way.

00:42:24.180 Then we can have a good relationship.

00:42:27.420 And from his perspective, what does that look like?

00:42:29.900 You don't love me.

00:42:32.040 You don't see me.

00:42:33.420 You're trying to change me.

00:42:35.160 And then you'll have a relationship with me.

00:42:38.340 Right?

00:42:39.420 It doesn't feel like love and acceptance and someone that values you if it's based upon

00:42:44.280 condition.

00:42:44.800 Right?

00:42:45.540 And so I'm just reiterating the same thing that Ryan just said.

00:42:48.580 It's like that relationship is way more important than, than the correction that might

00:42:53.620 open up later.

00:42:54.580 And the last thought is, you know, I, I'm going to slaughter the quote, right?

00:42:58.240 But the quote is like, you can't heal someone that's unwilling to give up what's making them

00:43:02.780 sick, you know?

00:43:04.480 And, and he's just not there yet.

00:43:06.460 And, and, and a powerful way I like to look at it is we're all on a path, man.

00:43:11.800 There's no destination, but the path is powerful.

00:43:15.540 And I actually think eventually all of us will learn exactly what we need to learn.

00:43:20.400 Some of us are going to take the hard path up the mountain and it's going to be miserable

00:43:25.360 or whatever, but we'll all eventually figure it out.

00:43:28.860 Yeah.

00:43:29.040 And, and he's got to figure out on his way.

00:43:31.420 And the most powerful thing that you could do is let him know that, man, I love you as

00:43:36.420 a brother and I am here for you.

00:43:39.480 Thank you.

00:43:42.680 See, now I feel cheesy.

00:43:44.200 You're only clapping because I asked you to.

00:43:46.980 And I would say, why does it matter?

00:43:48.420 We're still getting the claps.

00:43:51.860 Hey, Ryan.

00:43:52.600 Hey, kid, Manny.

00:43:53.880 Hey, I'm a 45, a father, husband, and life has been going very well for me until we got

00:44:07.320 hit with a, an unforeseen challenge.

00:44:09.540 My mom was young in her late sixties was diagnosed with dementia and she's deteriorate, deteriorating

00:44:17.840 quite quickly and it's taking a toll on my dad.

00:44:21.060 So my question for you guys is how do I execute my duties as a man, specifically as a son without

00:44:31.860 having any impact or with having only a minimal impact on the quality of what I'm, what I

00:44:38.820 need to deliver for my daughter and for my wife.

00:44:41.740 What do you, what do you feel like you need to do with your, with your folks?

00:44:46.100 Well, I'm an only child.

00:44:47.260 Okay.

00:44:47.700 So they don't have a lot of support.

00:44:49.400 They also live in a city where there's no other family members around.

00:44:52.780 How far away are they?

00:44:53.740 They're about a five hour drive.

00:44:55.320 Okay.

00:44:55.920 Yeah.

00:44:56.200 So it's not, it's not a long trip, but it's not an insubstantial amount of travel.

00:45:01.720 Um, and really what they need right now is my time and my dad specifically needs help,

00:45:08.200 uh, organizing things at home, taking care of bills, uh, making sure that, uh, the house

00:45:15.480 is, you know, squared away.

00:45:18.940 Um, so right now it's, it's a time thing.

00:45:21.780 Um, but it's also an emotional bandwidth thing.

00:45:24.580 Of course, because the stress, uh, can make me a little short with my wife or with my daughter.

00:45:31.120 And I don't want to have a negative impact on that part of my life, especially because

00:45:35.960 with my daughter, it's always gone really well.

00:45:39.340 Um, with my wife, it's improved substantially over the past year and I don't want to backpedal

00:45:45.000 from the improvements that have, how old is your daughter?

00:45:47.540 She's nine.

00:45:48.160 Oh, I think you said that.

00:45:49.400 Um, how's the relationship with your parents?

00:45:53.820 It's good.

00:45:54.700 Um, they were great parents.

00:45:56.220 I'm very fortunate.

00:45:57.200 Um, my mom, she still has the cognitive ability to have a reasonable conversation. 1.00

00:46:03.860 Most of the time.

00:46:05.000 Yeah.

00:46:05.220 She forgets a lot of things and forgets who people are sometimes.

00:46:09.600 Yeah.

00:46:09.980 And emotionally that takes a big toll on me.

00:46:13.940 Uh, how, how I can, I can understand that for sure.

00:46:17.460 How is the relationship?

00:46:19.140 I don't, what I meant was your wife and daughter with your parents.

00:46:23.000 Oh, amazing.

00:46:24.080 Um, they cared for my daughter the first five years of her life while I was getting my business

00:46:29.200 up and running and my wife was working. 0.91

00:46:31.180 So they had a very close relationship.

00:46:33.360 Okay.

00:46:33.960 That said, now that you mentioned it, my daughter is super disappointed, gets very upset when 0.93

00:46:41.100 grandma doesn't remember things that happened in her life.

00:46:45.020 Yeah.

00:46:45.540 And she is at the age where she's starting to understand that it's a mental thing that grandma

00:46:52.180 can't control.

00:46:53.140 Right.

00:46:53.360 It's not personal.

00:46:54.540 I'm asking these questions because I'm wondering if there's an opportunity for you to get your

00:46:58.860 wife and daughter involved so that you don't have to be, Hey, here I am.

00:47:02.820 I got to travel five hours North or South every, every week and be with my folks and instead

00:47:08.980 turn it into a trip, you know, where your daughter and your wife come with you and you're

00:47:13.760 up there for three days and maybe you get a nice hotel and you do some things and you spend

00:47:18.240 one day with, with your parents and then have your daughter who's nine come over and help.

00:47:23.740 Maybe it's vacuuming.

00:47:25.120 Maybe it's dusting up the place and your wife's helping you with the organization and bills. 0.96

00:47:29.140 It sounds like the relationship has a foundation and it might be an opportunity for you to have

00:47:34.120 some really good conversations on the road with your daughter about what's going on with

00:47:38.340 your mom, helping her get involved, helping her to learn to serve, helping see you as

00:47:43.540 a son, as her father, but a son who loves so she could model that behavior like Kip was

00:47:49.120 saying.

00:47:49.560 But man, I think there's some great opportunities actually here to make this a family effort,

00:47:54.560 not a Manny effort.

00:47:55.820 Totally.

00:47:56.460 Totally.

00:47:56.820 Wow.

00:47:57.360 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:58.240 Yes.

00:47:59.100 And, and you can, you can do that in all sorts of things is like is, is stack these things

00:48:05.660 up, right?

00:48:06.200 So you're not having to divide all of your attention as you can stack them up.

00:48:09.820 Like I want to be a good son and I want to be a good father.

00:48:12.600 Are they mutually exclusive?

00:48:14.760 They don't have to be.

00:48:15.940 And, and this is an opportunity where you can stack those things up and serve both.

00:48:19.800 You can serve your parents and you can serve your daughter and wife at the same time.

00:48:22.820 So follow-up question on that.

00:48:25.080 I've tried that and it's, you're right.

00:48:27.740 It is a great opportunity for me to model behavior and for them to get in there and also

00:48:32.400 feel fulfilled by helping the family.

00:48:35.640 The thing is after two or three days, it gets stressful for them.

00:48:38.880 My wife's a trooper. 1.00

00:48:39.820 She'll go out there even without me to handle things when, you know, shit's going sideways

00:48:44.740 sometimes.

00:48:45.620 Yeah.

00:48:46.440 And she doesn't have to do that, but she willingly does that and, and volunteers to do that.

00:48:51.260 And I appreciate it.

00:48:52.300 And my daughter works really hard to do the, my daughter calls them the brain exercises

00:48:59.280 with grandma.

00:49:00.180 Okay.

00:49:00.620 After two or three days, it takes an emotional toll on them and they're willing to go on.

00:49:06.500 But I feel like I have to stay, step in and say, guys, we have to, we need to go because

00:49:12.000 this is starting to impact you guys.

00:49:14.440 And, um, and, and then they agree, you know, I think that's fair.

00:49:18.460 I don't think there's anything wrong.

00:49:19.480 I think that's fair.

00:49:20.120 I don't, I don't understand the problem.

00:49:22.180 The problem is I don't want them to be impacted at all.

00:49:26.100 Well, they're going to, and they're going to have to deal with hard things in life.

00:49:29.780 Like they're going to have other situations where they're going to have to deal with people

00:49:33.720 that, um, you know, have medical issues or people they don't even like.

00:49:37.760 Um, they're going to have to do things that aren't always fun.

00:49:39.940 Your daughter's going to have to do that. 1.00

00:49:42.000 So like you're at that point, I think you're kind of shielding them from opportunity.

00:49:47.760 Yeah.

00:49:47.940 Hey, I know this isn't always the greatest, so let's put some healthy boundaries in place.

00:49:53.100 And, and by the way, you are, they're going to, you're saying, I don't want them to be

00:49:56.540 impacted at all.

00:49:57.740 Okay.

00:49:58.220 Well then don't bring them.

00:49:59.460 Is that going to impact them?

00:50:00.800 Yeah, because you're gone.

00:50:02.380 So they're going to be impacted either way.

00:50:05.080 So I think it's better that they're with you.

00:50:07.260 And yes, there has to be some constraints.

00:50:08.840 You can't spend a week out there and have your nine-year-old daughter babysit your mother. 0.67

00:50:12.220 And I'm not trying to be insensitive about that.

00:50:14.080 Of course.

00:50:14.500 But two days, I think, yeah, if that's her to limit, great.

00:50:17.060 That's an opportunity for her to, uh, exercise some fortitude, some mental resiliency, service,

00:50:22.860 a lot of great things.

00:50:23.860 And yeah, they're going to be impacted and good.

00:50:26.480 We have intensity to do this as men, right?

00:50:28.700 Where we, where we think like, well, my childhood was difficult.

00:50:31.920 And so I'm going to, I'm going to, you know, give my kids the, the life I never had.

00:50:36.760 Right.

00:50:37.100 Well, the really hard times in my life where I had shit, those were the best years guys.

00:50:42.580 Right.

00:50:43.160 Some of the hardest times of my life in my childhood were the memories that we created as a family.

00:50:49.080 Those were the things that actually mattered, not the absence of like difficulty.

00:50:54.600 And I know it's not easy, right?

00:50:57.180 But mark my word, right?

00:50:59.360 You, you continue this, you establish the boundaries with your daughter.

00:51:02.340 She's going to look back at this.

00:51:04.600 And this is a time where you guys banded together as a family.

00:51:08.580 You did something hard.

00:51:10.420 You knew it was the right thing and she's going to be better for it.

00:51:13.840 You're going to be closer as a family by enduring together for something.

00:51:18.720 We need to be, and you know, there's a dichotomy there, right?

00:51:21.840 We don't want to do it too much, but, but we also have to realize like, this is good.

00:51:25.740 You know, I don't know, difficult times in your life.

00:51:29.040 So like raise a hand, like those difficult times as a kid were those, the most memorable

00:51:34.040 for some of you guys.

00:51:35.380 Raise your hands.

00:51:36.100 Yeah.

00:51:36.700 Yeah, man.

00:51:38.240 I've had welfare Christmases.

00:51:40.300 You know what I mean?

00:51:41.400 Those are the best ones.

00:51:42.560 And I didn't even get a freaking toy.

00:51:44.040 I got like a quilt or something, you know, it's like, those are some of the best times

00:51:48.820 of my life now that you mentioned it, Kip.

00:51:50.900 When, um, when I was a kid, I observed my mom take care of her sick mom and model those

00:51:59.500 behaviors.

00:52:00.980 And, um, and now I see the opportunity for my daughter to, to learn as well.

00:52:06.380 So, and there are cool things that you can do.

00:52:08.520 Like you're talking about five hours, a five hour drive.

00:52:11.000 You know, maybe you, you take the family on a detour on the way up there one time and

00:52:14.400 see off the side of the road, you know, the world's biggest ball of yarn or something.

00:52:17.820 I don't know, like, you know, or they always have those like exhibits on like, go, go do

00:52:21.780 that dishwashers or whatever.

00:52:23.720 Right.

00:52:26.000 The thermometer in Barstow.

00:52:27.780 Yeah, exactly.

00:52:28.680 That's what I'm saying.

00:52:29.260 And you go make a fun thing out of it.

00:52:30.780 Right.

00:52:31.060 Or, Hey, you know, maybe your daughter, uh, she really likes to go to the park.

00:52:35.260 The park, like, isn't my favorite place that kind of go just sit at the park, but the

00:52:40.400 kids like it.

00:52:40.940 So I'm like, all right, cool.

00:52:41.680 We'll go to the park, you know?

00:52:43.340 Um, or your daughter's nine.

00:52:45.280 She could probably stay with grandpa, I imagine for an evening for a couple hours.

00:52:48.660 Yeah.

00:52:48.800 And so you could take your wife out to, you know, on the town or, or, or to restaurant

00:52:54.320 that isn't available where you guys are.

00:52:56.000 And so you can, you can do other things that alleviate some of that stress.

00:52:59.840 Yeah.

00:53:00.660 Add some fun to it.

00:53:01.840 Yeah.

00:53:02.160 Thank you guys.

00:53:02.820 You bet, brother.

00:53:03.600 Yeah, you bet.

00:53:04.320 By the way, isn't hurting turkeys like illegal.

00:53:07.160 And you just said that you guys herded turkeys on the, it, it depends on the season.

00:53:11.560 Oh, okay.

00:53:12.220 So in the fall, you can do it differently than you can do in the spring.

00:53:15.520 Yeah.

00:53:15.980 Disclaimer.

00:53:17.960 If I'm wrong, we can cut that part out.

00:53:20.500 If I'm wrong, we can cut that part out.

00:53:21.920 Yeah.

00:53:22.320 Okay.

00:53:23.600 So guys, um, in our, in our group, in our cabin, we've been talking a lot about another

00:53:29.700 trend, kind of like you guys were talking about a trend we see right now is that there's

00:53:33.340 a lot of men roaming around our culture that are, I would say, unfinished, uninitiated,

00:53:39.680 immature to some degree.

00:53:41.500 And so I, we see a lot here in the iron council where we're trying to work on how, how are

00:53:47.980 we initiating men or boys into men?

00:53:52.260 And I know obviously this is something you do talk about, but I think as we've been buzzing

00:53:56.360 on, we'd just love to hear from you guys.

00:53:58.940 What are some practical nitty gritty ways that we, as men, we in the iron council, the

00:54:04.000 order of man can start impacting our culture, our families, initiating very specifically

00:54:10.420 working to initiate our sons, but not just our sons.

00:54:13.700 I feel like our communities and our culture.

00:54:16.600 Yeah.

00:54:17.040 I generally, what I would say is get them involved in difficult and challenging things

00:54:21.360 and do it as a team.

00:54:22.280 I mean, you guys have such a good team culture within the iron council and what you guys have

00:54:26.080 done here.

00:54:26.440 So you understand how powerful that is.

00:54:28.800 Uh, it could be as simple as doing a Spartan race together, you know, like those things

00:54:33.700 are like, there's so many different things or running a 5k or running a marathon, something

00:54:37.960 that's physically demanding, something that requires time, attention, focus, preparation,

00:54:42.640 something that has a definitive end.

00:54:44.680 Like this has to be completed gratification to get there.

00:54:48.080 Yeah.

00:54:48.440 And there's so many opportunities like that or bringing them to a legacy event or even event,

00:54:53.420 you know, main event like this.

00:54:54.580 But there are so many opportunities that we just need to tap into.

00:54:57.520 We don't need to recreate the wheel.

00:54:59.180 We just need to tap into them.

00:55:00.540 And so it might be four or five of you guys as men who have sons and you say, Hey guys,

00:55:04.900 uh, we're going to get together.

00:55:06.480 We're going to do a Spartan race in two months.

00:55:08.400 Or I have a friend that does, um, Steve Weatherford.

00:55:11.540 He does man, man, man Academy, I think is what he calls it, but it's fathers and sons and

00:55:15.840 they get together every Saturday for like eight weeks and they go through some physical

00:55:19.460 training, physical programming, mindset, coaching, things like that.

00:55:22.920 Again, delayed gratification, start and finish tasks.

00:55:26.740 They need to complete along the way confidence building.

00:55:29.100 I mean, this is, these are all things that are really easy to implement.

00:55:32.040 They're already available and you just need to pay a little bit of money just for a registration

00:55:35.640 fee.

00:55:36.440 That's the low hanging fruit.

00:55:38.320 True.

00:55:38.600 A lot of times we think, well, what can we create?

00:55:40.880 Well, we can get to that, but now let's just tap into what is already available and what

00:55:45.320 we can harness immediately.

00:55:46.480 One thing I think we overlook a lot is surrounding our boys with men.

00:55:53.340 That's really good.

00:55:54.260 Like I have guys in my life that will call out my own kids.

00:55:59.380 Right.

00:55:59.880 I, and, and, and it's ironic.

00:56:01.560 They don't even have to be close.

00:56:03.240 Right.

00:56:03.500 I have a good friend in New York that we, you know, had good, we, we, we became friends

00:56:08.940 when I lived in New York.

00:56:10.120 When he comes out, he'll be like, Hey, let's go for a drive.

00:56:15.080 Right.

00:56:15.440 And he's like, so what's going on?

00:56:17.920 What's going on in your life?

00:56:18.940 He's given him advice.

00:56:19.860 His son, when he went off to college, he was like swung by the house to make sure to say

00:56:23.940 goodbye before he moved out of state.

00:56:25.500 Cause he was living in Utah.

00:56:26.560 Like you need to have men, not just men around you, but men that are like, no, this boys.

00:56:33.640 Yeah.

00:56:34.040 I'm influencing this boy.

00:56:35.580 I'm intentionally influencing this boy.

00:56:37.940 Right.

00:56:38.340 Right.

00:56:38.580 And, and I don't even know if you've given me the approval to do this, but like, I kind

00:56:42.180 of feel that way with Brecken a little bit and Otto.

00:56:44.600 Like when I see them, I, I want to influence them.

00:56:49.020 How are things going?

00:56:50.440 Right.

00:56:50.640 Because we need to band together, right.

00:56:53.320 With these boys as well.

00:56:54.440 And they need to see it from multiple angles and have multiple men in their lives where they 0.98

00:56:58.760 can see what does it look like to be a man.

00:57:00.660 And you can do that by making sure that we surround ourselves with that kind of high caliber

00:57:05.340 individuals such as myself.

00:57:08.560 And also get out of the way too.

00:57:10.440 Right.

00:57:10.800 Like when you see that taking place is just get out of the way and let that happen.

00:57:14.720 Yeah.

00:57:15.160 You know, shield them from the coach or whatever.

00:57:17.140 I mean, how many times have I seen my kids out here playing basketball with one of you

00:57:20.280 guys?

00:57:20.620 I don't go play.

00:57:21.460 I don't need to interject.

00:57:22.180 I play basketball all the time.

00:57:23.920 They've heard all my stuff.

00:57:25.700 So cool.

00:57:26.940 Let them hear from somebody else.

00:57:28.200 I trust you guys that you're hopefully telling them the right things and leading them on the

00:57:31.100 right path.

00:57:31.980 If you're not, there might be some course correction along the way, but at the end of

00:57:35.020 the day, like that's another opportunity for them to get a look from another man that

00:57:38.040 I have at least some level of respect for.

00:57:40.060 You're here, you're investing in yourself.

00:57:41.960 So it Brecken's out there like vaping.

00:57:43.840 It's probably because like one of you guys.

00:57:47.060 Does that help, man?

00:57:48.400 Yeah.

00:57:48.680 Yeah.

00:57:48.980 Awesome.

00:57:49.240 Thanks, brother.

00:57:51.720 So it looks like we have three people online right now.

00:57:54.940 So I think we'll probably, Chris, take, yeah, we got about 10 minutes.

00:57:58.580 So we'll take you three and then we'll wrap things up today.

00:58:00.860 All right.

00:58:01.240 Morning, guys.

00:58:02.040 I've got a business question for you.

00:58:04.000 Okay.

00:58:04.420 So over the last couple of years, we've made a lot of personal changes, opening a business

00:58:10.580 and I've made a career change.

00:58:13.080 And so we've got an opportunity to expand a business that my wife has. 0.68

00:58:18.520 And we're looking into that.

00:58:21.280 My the phrase that comes to me is that I don't want to out punt my coverage.

00:58:26.080 In other words, I don't want to expand too far, too fast, anything like that.

00:58:30.820 And so I was talking to Alan Placer the other night and he was saying, you know, that the

00:58:35.560 more successful that you are, the more opportunities you're going to have.

00:58:40.100 So, you know, you're going to have more open doors to step through.

00:58:43.060 So how do you know how far to step, how far to go, what doors to to go through?

00:58:51.740 And we've kind of been touching on with some of the questions, you know, with Order of

00:58:55.000 Man and things like that.

00:58:56.040 But thoughts on that?

00:58:58.060 How do you know?

00:59:00.700 I would say that Alan's probably better to answer this than than me.

00:59:04.200 I don't know, Kip, about you, but I haven't really expanded that way.

00:59:08.500 And this is actually part of my answer is you're asking the wrong person because I haven't done

00:59:13.900 this right.

00:59:15.060 I haven't opened another location necessarily.

00:59:17.700 Right.

00:59:17.960 I've expanded and I've grown and I've leveraged and done these things and we came out here

00:59:22.860 and, you know, there's things like that that I've done.

00:59:24.840 But I think the answer to the question is to find people who have done it successfully

00:59:29.340 and then you can ask them that so they can tell you, OK, well, you know, here's what that

00:59:34.560 entails because a lot of the times we just see the silver lining of it like, oh, not another

00:59:38.480 location, more money, more people served.

00:59:40.920 Yes.

00:59:41.240 And more debt, more overhead, more customers, more complaints, more employees, more overhead.

00:59:47.960 And we don't see that all the time, but somebody who's gone through that will.

00:59:52.120 So I think that goes back to one of the first questions we had today is the credibility

00:59:55.160 question.

00:59:56.840 I'm not a credible resource on that, so I don't feel comfortable giving you the answer

01:00:01.100 to that because I don't I don't know.

01:00:03.100 I don't know what it is.

01:00:04.140 I will say that there are things that you can do to test the waters a little bit.

01:00:10.000 So let me give you an example because the bakery, right?

01:00:12.200 Yeah.

01:00:12.880 So you've got the bakery.

01:00:14.160 Maybe a way to look at it is to find a friend who has some sort of maybe it's a coffee shop.

01:00:20.880 I'm just throwing out ideas.

01:00:21.980 And instead of opening a new location, maybe you see if there's a way for you to partner

01:00:26.700 where you actually sell your products in that coffee shop so that you have you're at least

01:00:32.060 putting your foot in the water to having another location without all of the risk and all of

01:00:36.480 the overhead of it.

01:00:37.380 And that allows you to experiment with a little bit.

01:00:40.640 And you might say, oh, this is pretty good.

01:00:42.240 I think we can go a little further.

01:00:43.400 Or you might say, yeah, we don't like that at all and scale back.

01:00:46.900 So maybe there's ways that you can move in the direction without taking on all of the

01:00:51.560 risk associated with it.

01:00:52.600 It's going to require some creativity, but I think there's some opportunity there.

01:00:56.280 Let me give you some examples of what he just said and then one other additional

01:01:00.040 thought.

01:01:00.400 So for instance, if I, if I'm running a consulting firm and I want to ramp up that team twice

01:01:05.900 as high, what can I do as like an interim scenario, hire contractors, backfill the overflow of

01:01:12.920 work.

01:01:13.340 Oh, I'm keeping these contractors so busy that now I can stop hiring them as contractors

01:01:19.320 and backfill them with individuals on payroll.

01:01:22.220 No risk, right?

01:01:24.360 Because if they're not busy, I don't use them as contractors, right?

01:01:26.700 And so that's kind of what that no risk is in the selling the bakery products somewhere

01:01:30.680 else location, right?

01:01:31.840 The other thing is break down the numbers.

01:01:34.060 I literally like from a business perspective, and you should know this in my opinion, you

01:01:39.760 should know how many leads turn into opportunities, what's your close rate on opportunities to

01:01:46.660 gross profit, to how many resources are required to fulfill.

01:01:50.760 So the answer is, can we get enough work downstream?

01:01:54.080 Well then do the math, how much lead gen do we need to do?

01:01:58.500 Like what marketing and sales is happening today to give you the work you have now and

01:02:03.040 do the math and see the consistency of that.

01:02:05.880 So you can ramp up that to prove that you can have that success downstream.

01:02:10.660 Does it make sense?

01:02:11.220 Yeah.

01:02:11.620 Now it's not an exact scenario.

01:02:14.200 I don't know if that changes in the world of bakeries, right?

01:02:16.760 But in the world of consulting, I can predict if I get a hundred more leads, that will translate

01:02:25.720 to this much more profit, which means I need this many more resources.

01:02:29.700 It's exact, almost.

01:02:31.780 Yeah.

01:02:32.180 Right?

01:02:33.040 So break it down.

01:02:34.320 There's also opportunities I would imagine.

01:02:36.180 I don't, I don't know the business, but for somebody to, for you to license your branding,

01:02:41.600 for you to license your, your products, your recipes to let's say a coffee shop where they're

01:02:48.240 actually participating in some of the financial incentives and gains.

01:02:51.540 So they're doing it with your products and you're not having to have all of that overhead

01:02:57.180 as well.

01:02:57.580 I'm just trying to think, create, I don't know if that's a solution, but I'm just trying

01:03:01.120 to think creatively about some ways without having to go all in on a second location.

01:03:04.920 Yeah.

01:03:05.680 Well, what, what it is is, so the location that we have, we have pretty much outgrown

01:03:10.300 it.

01:03:10.560 I mean, we're maxed out.

01:03:11.780 Yeah.

01:03:11.980 We can't even fit all the equipment that we need.

01:03:14.540 And so the business next door is moving out.

01:03:17.260 And so we can take that over, take the wall out and basically double our footprint, but

01:03:23.060 we're doubling our overhead then, you know, you're doubling your rent, doubling utilities.

01:03:27.260 Can you pay for the additional overhead with the current profits that you have today?

01:03:32.320 No.

01:03:32.620 So, so what would, so what would change?

01:03:35.380 Why would having a bigger location drive more traffic into the store?

01:03:40.520 We want to add more products and we actually want to expand the menu.

01:03:44.460 But products that you don't know have sold or not yet.

01:03:47.640 For example, one of the things we want to do is we want to open up and start doing lunches

01:03:51.920 and dinner, pizza, all those things.

01:03:54.740 And there are, there are no pizza places anywhere within 20 minute drive of us, believe it or

01:04:00.880 not.

01:04:01.120 And you can't even get it delivered out there.

01:04:03.480 So we would be like the only, the only one in, in the area, you know?

01:04:09.060 So that's that, you know, that's what we're trying to figure out.

01:04:11.700 Which could, which could be good and bad, right?

01:04:13.920 It's like, oh, no one wants pizza, right?

01:04:17.280 Like no one's addressed this need yet.

01:04:19.400 So sometimes we think it's the great idea.

01:04:22.320 That's the moneymaker. 0.96

01:04:23.580 Sometimes it's just doing it better, but someone already tried out the market.

01:04:28.340 Do you get what I'm saying?

01:04:29.560 And I don't want to be in that negative town here, but.

01:04:31.280 Or are there ways to sell pizza now?

01:04:34.300 Validate.

01:04:34.800 You know, just maybe not all the pizza you want to sell or, or all the flavors and all

01:04:39.720 the design of everything, but there is a way to do it now to see if people are interested

01:04:43.700 in pizza and if it'll drive new traffic in.

01:04:46.080 Yeah.

01:04:46.480 Right.

01:04:46.720 Because I'm thinking about like pastries.

01:04:48.940 If you offered a, a lemon meringue instead of a cherry, like, I don't think that's going

01:04:53.600 to drive somebody else in who wouldn't have come in otherwise.

01:04:56.660 Right.

01:04:56.860 But now you're talking about an entirely new product that might drive new traffic.

01:05:02.220 And the unfortunate part for you is you're, you're up against the wall, right?

01:05:06.480 Available space.

01:05:07.400 If we don't capitalize on now, we're going to lose this opportunity.

01:05:10.760 We're going to lose it.

01:05:11.220 Right.

01:05:11.560 And I'm always like, I don't know, I'm emotional when I get that way.

01:05:15.260 Right.

01:05:15.620 Because then I'm like, no, I'm being forced to make a decision and I'm not, I wouldn't

01:05:19.000 make this decision because I'm not ready now.

01:05:21.600 And now I'm going to make a call strategically based upon something outside my realm of control.

01:05:26.560 I'm like, I'm out.

01:05:28.260 That's usually how I probably overreact.

01:05:31.240 Right.

01:05:31.880 So, but that's an emotional state.

01:05:33.940 So don't listen to me.

01:05:36.120 But I don't like that.

01:05:37.320 I hope that helps.

01:05:37.920 Because what's driving your decision?

01:05:41.120 Right.

01:05:41.760 The availability of something that like maybe you weren't like if that space wasn't available,

01:05:47.600 would you be having this conversation?

01:05:48.800 We would potentially be looking for another place.

01:05:53.680 Okay.

01:05:53.920 Just because of our space restrictions that we have grown enough that, you know, for example,

01:06:01.360 I mean, we're doing wedding cakes.

01:06:03.000 We're doing all kinds of different things.

01:06:04.880 And so half the time they're using the tables in the dining room just to hold the product

01:06:10.500 because of how many orders they have that we're waiting on the people to pick the orders

01:06:15.000 up, things like that, you know?

01:06:16.540 And so we're like maxed out.

01:06:17.860 It's a little bit different than you need the space.

01:06:20.100 You know?

01:06:20.340 Yeah.

01:06:20.620 We're so, you know, but cool.

01:06:23.740 Thank you.

01:06:24.580 Thanks, guys.

01:06:25.880 No clapping for that.

01:06:26.880 Yeah.

01:06:27.840 Once in a day you get a hint.

01:06:29.080 We should have just went with, don't ask ourselves.

01:06:33.020 Yeah.

01:06:34.620 We like to hear ourselves talk.

01:06:36.340 All right.

01:06:36.580 Quincy Fry.

01:06:38.020 So two days ago we had a really powerful and impactful speech given to us on how men hide

01:06:45.380 behind armor and that armor of authority and title and rank.

01:06:51.180 And we use that to hide our true and vulnerable selves, the weakness or whatever.

01:06:56.220 And that's something I find myself struggling with a lot as we have to learn to take that

01:07:03.000 off.

01:07:03.480 And when I imagine myself taking that off, I don't see anything under it.

01:07:08.920 Without that, you don't have an identity.

01:07:11.100 Correct.

01:07:11.580 So what would be your advice or recommendation to any other men who don't see any substance

01:07:18.620 beneath that armor?

01:07:21.060 So what do you tie your identity up in right now?

01:07:26.220 Work.

01:07:27.980 Okay.

01:07:28.920 Fair.

01:07:29.800 What are you good at at work?

01:07:31.600 Leading.

01:07:32.300 Leading?

01:07:33.100 Yeah.

01:07:33.520 What's specifically about leading?

01:07:35.840 Connecting with my persons and making sure my team is able to accomplish and going through

01:07:41.160 and doing those things.

01:07:42.360 And why is that important to you?

01:07:46.580 Connecting with your...

01:07:47.400 Because it's right.

01:07:48.560 What makes it right?

01:07:49.660 That's not a trick question.

01:07:56.580 I don't have the answer to that.

01:07:57.660 Like what feels right about it to you?

01:08:03.000 Does it just feel good?

01:08:04.320 Yeah.

01:08:04.580 It's like the right thing to do because not enough people do it.

01:08:07.040 They look at it and they try to gain something from it instead of trying to accomplish what

01:08:12.820 needs to be done in the way that helps the other person grow.

01:08:15.500 Okay.

01:08:16.220 So what do you do for work?

01:08:18.340 I'm a director at a tech company.

01:08:20.260 A tech company.

01:08:21.240 If you got fired today, your boss called you up and fired you, would that leadership stuff

01:08:26.120 mean less to you?

01:08:27.940 Absolutely not.

01:08:28.740 So is your identity contingent upon your work?

01:08:34.780 No, but it's a title because I can walk into a room with that title on and know that

01:08:39.720 that is also prior military 20 years of it.

01:08:42.960 So, yeah, so the title used to the rank and the title being an armor that when I take it

01:08:47.740 off in here, it means absolutely nothing.

01:08:50.160 But let me tell you, let me ask you this.

01:08:52.420 If you had this armor on, right?

01:08:55.060 You're talking about your rank, your title, but it was weak armor.

01:08:58.800 Is it really armor?

01:08:59.900 Like, what if you thought it was just like steel breastplate and really it was just a

01:09:08.220 thin piece of silk over your chest?

01:09:10.880 Smoke and mirrors.

01:09:11.820 Yeah.

01:09:12.480 Because that's actually what it is.

01:09:14.020 Like, you think you're safe, like to take military terms, concealment versus cover, right?

01:09:22.760 So genuine armor would be what?

01:09:26.640 Cover.

01:09:28.680 Concealment would be that little piece of silk that you're hiding behind.

01:09:32.660 It's not going to do anything.

01:09:33.960 And I feel a little bit, just based on this limited conversation, that you think you have

01:09:39.400 armor on, but it's just this silk cloth that could go away at any minute.

01:09:46.300 But what you're talking about on a deeper level about, hey, leading, showing empathy,

01:09:52.060 Kip said, caring about other people, because it's the right thing to do.

01:09:56.580 And it will always be the right thing to do.

01:09:58.780 Now, regardless of your leadership title, regardless of your role or your rank, it will

01:10:04.440 always be the right thing to do.

01:10:06.040 So I could strip everything else away from you, your rank, your title, your income, everything.

01:10:13.040 And would that leadership still be important to you?

01:10:16.100 Absolutely.

01:10:16.760 That's the identity.

01:10:18.720 That's the shield or the armor, I should say.

01:10:22.380 Not the silk piece of cloth that you're wearing right now.

01:10:26.540 That's the armor.

01:10:28.780 That can't be taken away from you.

01:10:30.620 I cannot diminish that.

01:10:32.780 What else can't I diminish?

01:10:35.040 Things that you value, characteristics, virtues.

01:10:38.600 Integrity.

01:10:39.920 That's a virtue, right?

01:10:40.960 Virtue, yeah.

01:10:42.740 No, I'm not.

01:10:43.920 I'm just saying, like, think about what virtues are important to you, and that becomes your

01:10:48.320 identity.

01:10:49.980 And if we're having a conversation, I get to know you, maybe at first you're like, oh,

01:10:55.140 I'm an IT director.

01:10:56.320 And I'm like, ooh, impressive.

01:10:57.700 And then once I get to know you, regardless of that title, I don't give a shit about that.

01:11:04.680 Like, how many of us have met someone, like, or know of someone superficially, right?

01:11:09.760 And then we get to know them, and you're kind of like, the guy's kind of an asshole.

01:11:15.080 I don't even like that guy.

01:11:16.400 But I liked him when I didn't know him, right?

01:11:20.340 I liked his pretend armor.

01:11:24.220 That's the reality, is we have such superficial relationships that sometimes we think so highly

01:11:29.660 of people, and then we get to know someone, and you're like, yeah, he's just a dude.

01:11:33.940 He's actually not that impressive.

01:11:35.600 Or we get to know someone that's like, doesn't have the superficial title, and you're like,

01:11:41.580 I love that guy.

01:11:44.300 That guy is solid.

01:11:45.920 He shows up in a really powerful way.

01:11:48.480 It's who we are being that defines us.

01:11:51.920 Not man's titles.

01:11:54.500 Not superficial bullshit.

01:11:56.240 It's actually how we show up, and it's more deeper than that.

01:12:04.160 A question that I get quite often is, if you weren't doing order of man, what else would

01:12:09.260 you be doing?

01:12:11.160 That doesn't even compute.

01:12:13.660 That question is, you might as well say that in a foreign language.

01:12:17.820 This thing could burn to the ground today.

01:12:21.100 Order of man, literally and figuratively, everything could just burn to the ground.

01:12:24.920 And you know what?

01:12:25.760 I'd still be doing the same thing tomorrow.

01:12:28.700 I'd wake up.

01:12:29.820 I'd be getting men together.

01:12:31.300 I'd be having conversations about how we can improve and improve our lives and improve

01:12:34.820 the lives of the people around us.

01:12:36.060 I would do all of that.

01:12:37.260 So I know that that's my identity.

01:12:40.720 It's not the barn.

01:12:43.100 This barn can burn down.

01:12:45.160 It's not order of man.

01:12:46.400 Somebody could sue me, and my business could go away.

01:12:50.280 It's not that.

01:12:51.760 It's what's underneath it.

01:12:53.280 That's what we need to hang our hat on, not the facade of a title.

01:12:58.580 A title goes away, man.

01:12:59.540 I do like the fact that you asked those questions, though, because some of us may not know what

01:13:05.880 those are, right?

01:13:07.600 Like, what are our superpowers, right?

01:13:09.560 Like, what is that identity?

01:13:10.940 And I think it's really important that we do know what those are, that we figure out where

01:13:14.500 our strengths are and kind of latch and grow into them, too, right?

01:13:18.080 So I'm just hesitant, right?

01:13:20.080 Like, I think some of us might be like, all I have is a title.

01:13:23.600 I don't know what I'm good at.

01:13:24.680 I don't, you know what I mean?

01:13:25.320 Like, I think it's really important that we figure that out.

01:13:28.260 Well, and we have those titles for a reason, right?

01:13:30.480 Simon Sinek, I think, talks about it in Start With Why, but you could break down what you're

01:13:35.160 good at.

01:13:35.600 And I can do that.

01:13:36.940 You know, I'm great at communicating.

01:13:38.360 I'm a fairly good communicator.

01:13:40.320 I'm pretty good at taking ideas and concepts and sharing them in a way that resonates

01:13:44.900 with people.

01:13:47.200 I'm good at getting people together, empowering others.

01:13:50.840 I feel like I'm pretty decent at that.

01:13:52.400 Yeah, marketing.

01:13:53.580 And all of that could be done anywhere.

01:13:57.120 It doesn't have to be here with Order of Man.

01:13:58.740 It is because I find value in this, but I could do that anywhere, right?

01:14:02.520 Those are the things that never go away.

01:14:04.260 Man's Search for Meaning is another good one, if you haven't read that.

01:14:06.560 I mean, think about what that man went through.

01:14:10.220 I mean, the most horrific, unimaginable scenario.

01:14:14.220 Has everybody read that book, Man's Search for Meaning?

01:14:16.200 If you haven't, read it.

01:14:17.780 And yet he found meaning, even in that suffering.

01:14:20.800 Wild.

01:14:21.740 Wild.

01:14:22.520 Does that help?

01:14:23.140 Yes, sir.

01:14:23.560 All right, brother.

01:14:24.020 Hey, thanks for sharing.

01:14:24.920 And if you want to talk more about it afterwards, I'm up for it.

01:14:29.080 Morning, guys.

01:14:29.940 What's up, man?

01:14:30.660 Name's Carrick Meineke.

01:14:31.740 Good to see you here.

01:14:32.860 Yeah, thank you.

01:14:33.680 It's great to be here.

01:14:34.480 I have a question.

01:14:39.660 I often have problems with my anger when I'm dealing with my family, and it's not the legacy I want to leave for my children.

01:14:48.260 I am on this, on one level, seeking professional help for it.

01:14:54.380 It's also a part of my connection quadrant in my battle plan.

01:14:57.460 And I was wondering if you guys had, if you guys have struggled with this, and what tactics you have used to try to overcome the problem, if you have.

01:15:12.020 This is something I struggle with.

01:15:14.440 Anger, not just directed towards my family, but directed towards things that aren't going the way I want them to go.

01:15:22.300 And my family doesn't always do that.

01:15:23.840 My kids don't always do what I think they should do, right?

01:15:27.820 Or the business doesn't always.

01:15:29.480 And so, it makes me angry.

01:15:31.520 And then, what do I do?

01:15:32.500 I try to control it, right?

01:15:34.740 Like, control, dominate, manipulate, get it to go where I want it to go.

01:15:41.300 That's the root of my issue.

01:15:43.160 And even if I were to go deeper than that, it would be, where does this stem from?

01:15:47.220 Like, where does the anger stem from?

01:15:49.020 It's usually an insecurity, right?

01:15:51.900 And so, an insecurity I have is an abandonment insecurity.

01:15:58.440 And that has also turned into a self-worth insecurity, right?

01:16:03.900 Because people leave, and then they're leaving because of me.

01:16:09.660 Like, I'm not worthy.

01:16:10.840 I did something wrong, or I didn't do something I should have done.

01:16:14.160 And so, in order to cope with that, I get angry, and I try to dominate, and control, and exercise, and exert my will over situations that other people.

01:16:27.160 That's hard to come to terms with, and it takes a lot of work.

01:16:30.040 And I'm just trying to work through that now so that I can let go of that and realize that other people have their autonomy, and their control, and they can do things.

01:16:37.540 But coming to that realization about where it comes from has been really, really powerful for me.

01:16:44.660 And so, I think that when you talked about, I think you said you're getting some professional help, some therapy, it sounds like, maybe.

01:16:51.360 Talk about that with your therapist.

01:16:53.360 Like, okay, I'm angry.

01:16:54.780 Where does that come from?

01:16:55.660 I'm impatient.

01:16:56.560 Where does that come from?

01:16:57.400 I try to control people.

01:16:58.720 Where does that come from?

01:16:59.660 And that individual, if they're doing their job, should help you explore your past, and some of the experiences that you've had in the past.

01:17:07.100 Maybe it's your father or mother left when you were young, or, you know, something traumatic happened to you.

01:17:14.120 And then we develop these insecurities, and in order to deal with them, we come up with some coping mechanisms.

01:17:19.200 Those are mine.

01:17:19.820 It sounds like you and I might be very similar in that vein.

01:17:22.520 Yeah.

01:17:22.980 And so, the rest of the room can relate.

01:17:25.300 I don't overly, I'm not overly aggressive.

01:17:27.140 I'll just stonewall. 1.00

01:17:28.260 All right, I'll withdraw, and then I'll, like, wait to see if they love me enough, right, to reach out and fix the problem.

01:17:38.620 Yeah.

01:17:38.900 Works really well, by the way.

01:17:40.500 Yeah.

01:17:41.220 I shout, and I don't want that.

01:17:43.760 And I don't shout, but it's just as bad, by the way.

01:17:47.000 Right?

01:17:47.560 Those that are stonewalling, it's just as bad. 1.00

01:17:49.660 Because what's my wife's interpretation of me not yelling? 1.00

01:17:53.960 It's the same interpretation.

01:17:55.900 He doesn't care.

01:17:56.960 He doesn't love us, right, or whatever, right?

01:18:00.160 And so, there's two sides to this, right?

01:18:02.540 Like, so, anyone that's like, well, I just show up and I'm quiet.

01:18:05.500 You're doing the same thing.

01:18:06.480 You're just not using the words.

01:18:07.880 And the body language and everything else is what's sending the same message, right?

01:18:12.300 And at least for me, it's always come back down to not just what was the defining moment from my childhood that made me, like, have some insecurities or whatever, but separating truth from interpretation.

01:18:28.420 Because I can even grab my past and go, oh, maybe I got abandonment from this.

01:18:34.720 What really happened?

01:18:37.400 Actually, did your dad really say, I don't love you, you're a worthless piece of shit?

01:18:42.380 Oh, no, that was actually my interpretation of him just working.

01:18:48.680 That wasn't even true, right?

01:18:51.040 And just to add to what we're saying is so much of our interpretations of the world, we grab in the past and we just drag it forward into the future and look for evidence that it's true.

01:19:02.880 I would suggest all of us to consider the fact that we would almost rather be right than happy.

01:19:11.400 We'd rather be miserable and, man, I knew it, than actually just be happy.

01:19:18.660 And, man, what a miserable experience.

01:19:22.060 And so, for at least a lot with my family and with my wife, it's constantly like me getting clear on the interpretation of the scenario.

01:19:30.220 Why am I upset?

01:19:31.080 I'm upset for this reason.

01:19:32.580 Is that true?

01:19:34.360 No, it's not, actually.

01:19:36.620 I'm acting out on my interpretation and not on reality.

01:19:42.500 And that helps.

01:19:43.600 And knowing where it came from, obviously, is a whole other bag, right?

01:19:46.200 Yeah.

01:19:46.840 Sometimes that work of, like, that deeper work, it takes a long time.

01:19:50.620 Yeah.

01:19:51.340 I've been at it for about a year now.

01:19:52.800 Yeah, it takes a long time.

01:19:54.000 And that's okay.

01:19:55.500 Continue to go through the process.

01:19:56.960 I would offer these tactical tips right here.

01:19:58.980 Number one, when you start to feel yourself getting angry, then get out of the situation that's making you angry.

01:20:05.440 Yeah.

01:20:05.740 Okay.

01:20:06.080 If it's with your wife or with your kids, just get out of the situation.

01:20:09.980 And you can even explain it to them.

01:20:11.480 Like, with your wife, it's like, hon, I'm getting angry.

01:20:14.960 I'm getting upset about what we're talking about right now.

01:20:17.520 And so, I'm going to dismiss myself.

01:20:19.100 I'm going to excuse myself.

01:20:20.440 And I'm going to go for a walk or go to the gym, train jiu-jitsu, because I know you do.

01:20:26.640 Like, whatever your thing is, I'm going to go do that.

01:20:29.100 And then we can revisit this later this evening.

01:20:31.380 You do have to come back and revisit it.

01:20:32.760 You can't do what Kip's talking about and just withdraw completely.

01:20:36.440 Not a good idea.

01:20:36.960 This is a difference in our personality.

01:20:38.720 Like, so, he'll withdraw completely.

01:20:40.440 And I'm like, no, we're not talking about this later.

01:20:42.840 We're talking about it right now.

01:20:44.180 That's really aggressive.

01:20:45.520 Yeah.

01:20:45.780 Yeah.

01:20:45.960 That's exactly what I do.

01:20:48.680 Right.

01:20:48.940 So, I've had to force myself to say, no, no, no, no.

01:20:53.620 Get, you got to get out of this.

01:20:55.440 Your voice is getting louder.

01:20:57.040 Your pace is picking up.

01:20:58.300 You're slamming the table.

01:20:59.420 You're punching the wall.

01:21:00.820 You're making gestures that are intimidating or even worse.

01:21:03.900 You're hitting like there's, okay.

01:21:05.320 No.

01:21:06.260 Get out of the environment.

01:21:07.260 You can come back and revisit it.

01:21:08.760 The other thing that helps me is, I talked about this earlier, is just creating some margin.

01:21:13.140 I know when I'm stressed out, that triggers that for me.

01:21:16.760 When I get stressed and I get stressed when, I'll tell you a great example this morning.

01:21:20.820 I was stressed.

01:21:21.800 We were trying to get the store up and running and the thing, the little thing wasn't working

01:21:26.640 and that was stressing me out and I was being short with people.

01:21:31.540 Like, not mean, but I was being short.

01:21:33.820 I was starting to realize, nope, this is a problem.

01:21:36.500 What could have solved that problem?

01:21:38.400 Well, I probably could have made sure that was up and running last night.

01:21:41.060 But I didn't do that.

01:21:43.120 We waited to the last minute.

01:21:44.680 So, the lesson there is, I gotta have margin so I don't get myself into stressful situations.

01:21:50.380 And then when I noticed I was getting short with people, put the dang thing away.

01:21:56.480 We can get back to the store later and go do something else.

01:21:59.920 I have to say one more thing.

01:22:01.280 I'm sorry.

01:22:01.960 I have to go last.

01:22:02.920 You can have a last word.

01:22:04.100 Just a quick thought.

01:22:07.080 I think in most cases, when we are out of integrity, then we will look for to collude with others.

01:22:16.980 We'll look to blame.

01:22:18.520 We'll look to find fault in others.

01:22:20.620 Period.

01:22:22.080 Like, when I go to work and I wasn't really productive and I didn't get the things done

01:22:27.360 that I knew I was gonna get done, when I come home, I'm looking to control things more.

01:22:34.340 I think part of that is actually the way I'm feeling about myself because how I showed up in the day.

01:22:40.960 Now, I think some of it's the margin.

01:22:42.740 But the other part is, are you congruent and do you have integrity?

01:22:48.800 When you are living a life of integrity, kind of things don't matter because you actually feel good

01:22:54.760 about how you're showing up in the world.

01:22:57.180 If you don't feel good about how you're showing up in the world, one of two things has to happen.

01:23:02.280 You have to accept the fact that you're out of integrity and you'll restore it,

01:23:05.260 or you have to excuse it.

01:23:07.780 And the excuse usually looks like pointing the finger at someone else to justify your actions.

01:23:14.560 Thank you, guys.

01:23:15.500 Yes, sir.

01:23:15.900 Right on.

01:23:16.300 Thank you.

01:23:16.480 Cool.

01:23:17.300 All right, guys.

01:23:22.920 That's good.

01:23:23.620 That does feel good.

01:23:24.360 Yeah, good job getting them to clap.

01:23:25.920 Guys, I appreciate all of you.

01:23:27.320 Obviously, we'll have more questions and thoughts throughout the weekend.

01:23:29.760 So, keep those coming.

01:23:31.120 And then those of you who are listening, hopefully that served you guys in some way,

01:23:34.560 a little different format than we normally do.

01:23:37.980 But fun.

01:23:38.800 I guess to close this out, I would say, I don't know, what should we, what should we,

01:23:43.560 probably the Battle Ready program.

01:23:45.380 Yeah.

01:23:46.260 If you got, and you guys should go through that too.

01:23:48.160 The Battle Ready program, if you haven't done that yet, the 30 Days to Battle Ready,

01:23:51.240 it's a free program.

01:23:51.980 It's 17 emails over 30 days.

01:23:53.840 And it's going to work you through a lot of what we talk about with regards to battle

01:23:57.740 planning, but it might help bring some clarity to that as well.

01:24:00.720 And what's the spirit of that?

01:24:02.600 Rise up.

01:24:04.940 Maybe that's the call to action.

01:24:07.300 We need to rise up.

01:24:08.720 Everybody here, I do.

01:24:11.040 You do.

01:24:11.580 We all do.

01:24:13.640 Like, what's, what's be, well, I don't want to sell the closing moment, but let's rise

01:24:17.260 up.

01:24:18.420 Why don't you, why don't you say the closing moment?

01:24:19.840 No, it feels awkward.

01:24:20.760 No, I'm not doing it.

01:24:21.600 No, you want the last word.

01:24:22.860 So, go ahead.

01:24:23.260 I don't want the last word.

01:24:23.560 No, go ahead.

01:24:24.360 No, it needs to come.

01:24:25.080 It's going to be silent.

01:24:25.640 It needs to come from you.

01:24:26.580 All right.

01:24:26.980 Let's go out there, take action, and become the man we were meant to be.

01:24:30.940 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast.

01:24:33.820 You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be?

01:24:37.480 We invite you to join the order at quarterofman.com.

Order of Man - October 26, 2022

Building Authority and Influence, Leading Through Adversity, and Overcoming Anger ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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