Order of Man - Building Confidence in Social Settings, Discovering Your Why, and Dealing with Doubt ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:05.000 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.440 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.240 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.800 you can call yourself a man. Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of the Ask Me Anything podcast.

00:00:30.960 Of course, this is your Wednesday show. Tuesdays, they're Ryan Mickler's interview show.

00:00:37.260 We do the AMAs every Wednesday. And then, of course, Friday, you can catch Mr. Mickler doing

00:00:42.560 his Friday Field Notes, which is really his soapbox of anything that's possibly pissing him off

00:00:47.720 throughout the week. So stay tuned for those. I am running solo today. We'll be filling questions

00:00:54.600 from Mr. Mickler's Instagram account. That's at Ryan Mickler. That's M-I-C-H-L-E-R. To connect

00:01:01.740 with him, you could do so with that handle on both Twitter, Instagram, and, of course,

00:01:06.660 band with us on Facebook at facebook.com slash group slash order of man. Let's just get into this

00:01:12.460 and let's bang through some of these questions. So luckily, it's Instagram. So I don't even have

00:01:17.260 to figure out how to pronounce these names because who knows what these handles mean or

00:01:20.640 how if this is even their names or not. But all these names are odd. Let's just say that. So

00:01:26.800 Dallant, Marlo, first question, should I buy a house as a young single guy or should I rent

00:01:33.880 until I'm married and want to move in together? I don't think buying a home has anything to do

00:01:39.320 with being married. So if financially it makes sense for you to own a home now, whether you're

00:01:44.320 married or aren't single, then do it. And pivot if you need to pivot when you get married, right?

00:01:50.620 So I would be default aggressive from this perspective. If you think buying a house is a good

00:01:56.300 idea, then buy a house. And then when you get married, then you address if that changes things

00:02:02.460 in regards to where you live later. But the point is, is you're not married right now.

00:02:06.900 You don't know when that is. Stop projecting into the future of something that may not be

00:02:11.820 fully present or may not come actual, or you don't know what the timeline is.

00:02:16.140 Be present in the moment, act in the moment. If it makes sense now, then do it now and don't delay

00:02:21.500 that. So, um, there you go. Pretty quick, quick and, uh, dirty and quick. We'll go through these

00:02:27.780 fairly quick. Albert Elijah, any advice for a dysfunctional workplace? I started working for

00:02:34.840 a hospital in the maintenance department. It's my first job working with all the men who have years

00:02:39.780 of experience and I know their stuff. Hold on to that years and experience because that comes up later

00:02:45.340 in another question here. Um, and all their stuff I am entry level. So I learn as I go also new to the,

00:02:51.080 uh, constant dirty jokes in the workplace. The problem is that some of the more experienced guys

00:02:56.680 are taking advantage of the lack of accountability because the boss isn't around all the time and

00:03:01.860 other workers throw each other under the bus. Often. I feel that I always need to watch out for what I

00:03:07.180 say. There are other issues, uh, but I'm, but I am trying to stay on top of my work without being

00:03:13.260 too influenced, uh, influenced with bad habits. So there's a lot there. Let's kind of go back any

00:03:18.820 advice. And he's ultimately asking for any advice around this dysfunctional type of workplace.

00:03:26.580 Uh, your integrity is critical. So my advice is maintain your integrity. It doesn't matter what

00:03:35.380 everyone else is doing. It doesn't matter if they're inconsistent. It doesn't matter if they backbite,

00:03:39.460 if they undermine one another, I would focus on maintaining your integrity. Don't get into the

00:03:44.920 game, get heads down, do your job, become reliable. And ultimately, hopefully you end up being a shining

00:03:54.240 example to these other guys to level up. Uh, there's a really high probability in this example

00:03:59.240 that, uh, you doing your job really, really well will piss off other guys because it makes them look

00:04:04.640 bad. Um, but that's not your job. Your job isn't to be liked by your coworkers per se. Uh, you're not

00:04:11.020 being paid to, uh, pander to them or their feelings or anything else. You're, you're getting paid to do

00:04:16.840 a job. And so do your job and do your job damn well. Um, be kind, be empathetic, try not to pass too

00:04:24.400 much judgment on these guys. You don't know maybe all the details, or at least try to, to consider the

00:04:30.440 fact that you don't know all the details. And if a guy's being laid back or whatever, I would even

00:04:36.080 try not to judge him for it. Uh, and maybe just assume like, Hey, maybe something else is going on

00:04:40.740 or maybe the boss is okay or, or whatever. So focus on you. Do you be an example to these other guys,

00:04:47.160 uh, and rise up. And then ultimately, you know, I'm assuming this is a necessity to work in this

00:04:52.460 position maybe for a period of time. Um, but this is kind of crappy work environment, right? So, um,

00:04:59.000 you know, if there's an opportunity to exit and go elsewhere, I would do it. I'd consider it.

00:05:04.080 And on your exit interview, explain why, right? Uh, crappy work environment, uh, lack of accountability

00:05:10.600 and et cetera. But the main thing is, uh, become that reliable resource. Uh, you'll be recognized.

00:05:16.160 Don't worry. Um, and it's going to show and, uh, you're going to build a reputation and eventually

00:05:21.900 guys will give you, uh, they'll, you know, they'll ride you hard for not showing up the way they show up,

00:05:26.940 but push through, uh, they'll realize that nothing's going to change. Uh, and then they'll,

00:05:32.320 uh, let you be and let you do you. So Jake stout signs that you should marry the person you are dating

00:05:38.820 or vice versa. Um, so this is interesting. Um, Jake, I would suggest there is, this is super old

00:05:50.620 school, like almost like 15 years ago. There is, um, it wasn't a Ted talk. It was like, uh, a Google

00:05:57.740 talk. So Google, Google talk. And, uh, the, the subject was, um, the, the paradox of choice.

00:06:09.920 And it's really, really interesting because so much of the success of our choices or the results

00:06:17.320 of our choices are based upon the mindset that we are in when we make the choice. Um, now with that

00:06:24.180 said, that that's not the only driving factor behind what I'm about to say, but it's one of them,

00:06:29.300 man, if you're doubting at all, whether you should marry the person you're, you're dating,

00:06:34.880 then don't marry him period. If there's doubt, don't do it. If you're confident, highly confident,

00:06:41.020 and you feel great about it, then do it. But if there's any sliver of doubt, don't do it.

00:06:45.560 Just keep dating. Well, I end or move on. Uh, but the point is, is marriage is harder. It's not

00:06:52.340 better. Anyone listening that thinks that, um, you know, we're, we're kind of close, but you know,

00:06:57.060 if we got married and we're more committed and if we have kids, we'll get closer, all that all lies,

00:07:02.720 it's going to be harder. Children make things harder. If it's not amazing now. And if you don't

00:07:08.160 have great confidence now, then you're not going to get it by getting married. So, um, there you go.

00:07:14.420 So if you feel confident, marry the person, if you don't feel confident, wait until you do feel

00:07:18.500 confident or move on into another relationship. But if there's any form of doubt there, don't,

00:07:23.220 don't pull the trigger. In my opinion, the design man, you talk about your daily meeting,

00:07:29.820 family meetings. What are some of the topics and or agendas that you guys try to hit every day?

00:07:33.720 So I know this is specific to Ryan's conversations. Um, I know he does his family meetings in the

00:07:38.640 morning. They talk about schedules. I think they do scripture reading, uh, in the morning,

00:07:42.980 address any hot topic issues. Uh, and then I do, I think they review their schedules and make sure

00:07:48.060 everyone's aware of what everyone else is working on. At least trust me guys. I've heard Ryan answer

00:07:52.840 this question like a bunch of times. So I'm pretty confident. Uh, I'm not missing much. Um, but it's

00:07:57.760 something around that. Um, but I would focus on the, the idea of the meeting and the fact that you're

00:08:05.400 touching base as a family and you're communicating and you have an agenda of what you're talking about

00:08:10.260 and any important issues that need to be addressed in front of the family involvement from the kids,

00:08:15.040 use that as an opportunity. Like, Hey kids, we're thinking about this, what do you guys think?

00:08:18.520 And involving them. So you get better buy-in with your kids. Um, and then you throw like any

00:08:23.760 spiritual stuff on there, whether it's scripture reading or a spiritual thought or family prayer,

00:08:28.840 man, I don't think you can go wrong with, with the spew of the items I just threw at you.

00:08:33.980 So, um, but, uh, yeah, stay tuned, listen to some other apps. I mean, this question comes up quite a

00:08:39.940 bit and Ryan covers this quite a bit cause it's something really important to him, uh, him and

00:08:44.460 his wife. So, um, but hopefully that helps a little bit. All right. Uh, Emre Gerster, uh, your best dad

00:08:52.260 joke. I, I contemplated whether we do this because, um, it doesn't really help us level up as men. Uh,

00:09:02.400 but I think it's funny. So here's, here's your best dad joke. And, and you can see where I make

00:09:08.160 up a bunch of stuff here. So, uh, we have a place out in a small town in rural Utah. And I usually

00:09:15.980 tell the story like this, that's my sister-in-law. I'm like, Oh, did you hear what happened to,

00:09:21.020 you know, crystal, for instance, did you hear what happened to crystal when she went to the gas

00:09:25.580 station in such and such town? And someone goes, Oh, what happened? And she'm like, so she went to the

00:09:30.300 gas station and, um, to get some gas for like the wave runners or the boat or whatever. And while

00:09:37.440 she pulled up the pump, there's a lady smoking while fueling up her car and, and, and crystal's 1.00

00:09:46.160 like crazy. And so she went into the, you know, went to the restaurant while she, while the fuel's

00:09:51.260 pumping to get some treats. And all of a sudden she sees through the window and there's a huge fire

00:09:56.860 and that lady's car, half her car's on fire. And the lady has caught on fire that was smoking 0.99

00:10:02.720 and she runs out there. And then by the time she gets out there, a local cop has already like

00:10:08.440 rushed up on her, you know, grabbed her, you know, putting out the fire, you know, um, and get her 0.50

00:10:14.160 off and, and, and crystal runs up to see if she can help. And then all of a sudden the comp's like

00:10:18.720 face puts the lady face down and starts cuffing her. And, and crystal's like, Oh my gosh, 0.98

00:10:25.860 like, is she okay? And the guy officer's like, yeah, she'll be fine. She'll be fine. She's like,

00:10:29.860 what, why are you arresting her? And, and the cop goes for waving a firearm. 0.99

00:10:38.180 I think it's so funny. And maybe that's the tall tale side of a dad joke is I don't need anyone to

00:10:45.060 actually be listening to me right now to appreciate how funny that joke is. So there you go. There's,

00:10:51.320 there's my dad joke. I got one more, one more. This is great one.

00:10:54.240 Did you hear about the celebrity that got stabbed? Um, uh, it was, uh, Reese Reese.

00:11:01.720 And then you all are thinking right now, Reese Witherspoon. And I say, no, no, no. With a knife.

00:11:09.640 Oh my goodness. We should just have an ep of dad jokes. That's what I think. Anyhow. All right.

00:11:14.160 Moving on to more serious questions. 22 cheapster. Who do you look to? Who is, has lived or living for

00:11:22.360 advice or wisdom on how to press on? Do you personally have a mantra scripture or saying

00:11:29.920 that you repeat to yourself in times of doubt, frustration, or weakness?

00:11:36.120 So first off, I know you guys are asking Ryan these questions because it was on his Instagram. So you

00:11:40.380 are, you're getting, uh, uh, tier two, tier two support, uh, on these questions. Um,

00:11:47.840 but I'll, of course, you know, all I can do is share what my thoughts are. So I actually don't,

00:11:56.400 it depends on the scenario. So, um, uh, it, you know, my, my, my father recently passed away a

00:12:04.680 couple of years ago. It's it's fresh or a couple of weeks ago. It's fresh on my mind. And so if I'm

00:12:09.380 struggling and it's related to that, then, then who I might reach out to is someone that I know

00:12:14.540 that their dad has passed away. Right. I might reach out to Ryan for instance, uh, cause his dad

00:12:19.900 passed away, I think a couple of years ago. Um, if it's struggling with, uh, something at work and

00:12:26.620 a conflict of another relationship or whatever, then I'm going to ask someone else. Right. And so

00:12:31.160 I don't have like the go-to person I go to, um, in regards to, you know, advice from that perspective,

00:12:38.480 I think it really depends on the scenario, but, uh, you asked, you know, do I have a mantra or

00:12:43.540 scripture or something? Um, I do actually. And, and so what I, part of my morning routine is I have

00:12:50.860 a vision or, uh, uh, an affirmation that I read and, um, I've read it, written, written it in a way

00:13:01.400 that it moves, touches and inspires me when I read it, I get fired up. Um, and it's really,

00:13:10.020 if I, if I read it, it, it is really a summary of how I want to create myself and how I want to show

00:13:19.280 up as a man. Um, things such as, you know, if, if, if problems are, you know, come up today that I'm

00:13:28.820 going to face them head on, that I'm not going to shirk out of hopelessness or fear that I'll address

00:13:34.280 things. I'm going to honor my word. Um, I'm going to be present in the moment, you know, those kinds of

00:13:39.200 things. And, and so that usually that mantra or that affirmation is something that really kind of

00:13:44.540 gets me aligned. Um, but I, but I also think like clarity of mind, whether it's through meditation

00:13:52.780 and prayer is also something that I, I really feel like provides that clarity. Um, but the feet,

00:13:59.540 the key thing, like if I had to like put something, you know, package something up of what that

00:14:04.320 affirmation does for me, um, typically your struggle, right? 22 cheapster that you're talking

00:14:11.520 about. It's right now, right? This, you're not, you're not asking for advice like later or tomorrow.

00:14:17.100 It's right now. How do I get present in the moment? And, um, and, and the moment is all you have.

00:14:24.380 And so that affirmation really focuses on how I should be being, or how I should show up right now

00:14:32.000 in the most powerful way possible, whether it's with my kids or within work or anything. And so,

00:14:38.900 um, that has been a huge help for me. J Matthew King, we are expecting our first child any day,

00:14:46.060 how to continue to build a strong relationship with my wife that isn't all about the child.

00:14:52.940 So I think the first thing, J Matthew is there's seasons, right? And so, um, be mindful of that.

00:15:03.200 Uh, the, the child, it will all be about the child, uh, whether you like it or not, uh, in,

00:15:09.880 you know, in a little while, right. For, for a little while for both you and her, uh, and that's okay.

00:15:15.480 So first try not to create a bunch of meaning around like, Oh, the kids, you know, like don't

00:15:21.560 look into it. Right. And create some story about like how the kids first and, you know,

00:15:26.280 it's affecting relationship. There's times and seasons to things. Brand new babies is one of

00:15:31.060 those seasons where it's going to be tough. You're going to get minimal sleep. And mom is going to be 0.58

00:15:36.580 100% focused on baby for the most part. Uh, and that's okay. So don't, don't make that wrong.

00:15:42.500 Now with that said, um, the other way that you make sure that you build a strong relationship

00:15:49.840 with your wife is be relevant. So what are you doing to show up, uh, to help her in this process?

00:15:58.480 How are you banding with her to make, um, this experience of having a child together, the best

00:16:04.920 possible thing. Um, and it might be everything from, you know, maybe you guys choose to, you know,

00:16:12.300 bottle and breastfeed. So then that way you can participate in that process to ease up the

00:16:17.340 burden. Um, maybe it's you always changing the diapers, you know, maybe use line up things so

00:16:23.840 she can get out of the house and get away and do her own thing without you to have some clarity of 1.00

00:16:29.200 mind. So you need to figure out what, how you need to be relevant and provide value to her.

00:16:35.640 And that's going to strengthen your relationship together. Um, and this is this, uh, our first child.

00:16:40.800 So this is going to be tough, right? This is like a whole new bag that you guys are going to have to

00:16:44.740 deal with. Um, and, and over, over communicate. Um, and you might want to set these expectations

00:16:50.320 down, right? Like, Hey babe, like I would love, I mean, I think every wife would love to hear,

00:16:55.400 Hey babe, I, you know, I want to continue to make sure that our relationship is strong.

00:16:59.020 That's not all about the baby and that you and I are growing together, you know, as a precursor

00:17:04.820 to the, before the baby shows up, what things can we do or what start talking through what I might

00:17:10.500 be able to do to help you. So we can do this together as much as humanly possible, right?

00:17:15.020 And map that out. And then when it doesn't work or that's not working, or she needs something else,

00:17:19.180 then pivot, but ask those questions, babe, how am I doing? What else can I do? You know what I mean?

00:17:24.500 And, and, and take care of all the other things that don't have to do with the baby.

00:17:28.140 Jace 44, Glenn, how does a young man handle getting over a girl? It was an ugly ending the

00:17:36.060 right way when we have mutual friends. So how do we get over, uh, getting over a girl the right way 0.97

00:17:42.340 when we have mutual friends? Um, well, if it's ugly that I'm assuming that there is, uh, some

00:17:48.920 emotional hardship and bad feelings. Uh, so first off, uh, you need to own that

00:17:56.420 and own whatever it is for you to own. So if this relationship is partially felled on your part,

00:18:03.580 you got to own that shit. Like none of this bullshit, like, uh, turf ball. No, no, no,

00:18:08.660 not like you guys are probably broken up because you aren't that amazing. Um, and, uh, you're probably

00:18:15.900 complete asshole and whatever. And, and I'm obviously, I don't know you, Jace. So I don't even know if

00:18:20.800 that's true, but the point is, is like, figure out what you did wrong in the relationship and own it.

00:18:25.380 So first off, take some extreme ownership. Second, have some empathy and don't make her wrong and

00:18:32.220 run some story about she's this way. And then, uh, you know what the, the reality of it is she's 0.58

00:18:37.240 who she is and you are who you are. And you both chose not to accept the other person for who they

00:18:43.680 are. It's that simple. And, um, and try to let go and have some empathy. I think there's huge power

00:18:50.720 in understanding people and, um, and not trying to make them wrong per se. And, and so find some

00:18:59.140 empathy there. Don't talk shit about her own your, your part in the relationship, how, why it

00:19:05.100 potentially failed. Um, and when there's an opportunity and your friends, like maybe they

00:19:10.160 want to talk shit about her, don't ask them to be like, Hey, you know, don't talk shit about her.

00:19:13.740 You know, I still care about her. She's a, you know, we dated for a while. I have, I have feelings

00:19:18.400 for her. She's a great person. I hope the best for, and then, and then truck on and, and don't,

00:19:23.240 don't get into the gossip, uh, be impeccable, impeccable with your word, um, honor your word

00:19:29.780 and honor her and honor your relationship you had with her by not talking shit.

00:19:34.600 Myland Makito nine. I need to get better at being confident in social settings,

00:19:41.200 especially in groups. How would I go about building this confidence and improving this skill? I'm

00:19:47.380 already getting out there as much as possible. Okay. So, um, I'm going to pull up a resource really

00:19:52.420 quick in the iron council. As you guys know, it's our, uh, our mastermind or exclusive brotherhood

00:19:59.520 that's kind of tied to the order of man to learn more about that. By the way, it's open, I think

00:20:03.840 until like just a few more days. So if you're on the fence of joining the iron council, uh, go to

00:20:09.000 order of man.com slash iron council to learn more. Um, with that said, we covered this book just like

00:20:15.260 a month or two ago. And so, uh, I'll reference this. So the confidence gap, so confidence gap by

00:20:23.240 Stephen Hayes. So I I'd recommend reading that book. And then the other part, um, I would suggest,

00:20:31.340 and I was really thinking about this because one thing, um, uh, at our company, we're, we're focusing

00:20:37.780 on employee development and it was asked, someone asked me if I'd be willing to teach the courses on

00:20:45.180 public speaking, um, and presenting with clients. And, and it kind of really caused me like, oh, well,

00:20:51.460 you know, what makes, what makes me good at this? Like what makes me good at speaking to clients or

00:20:58.500 speaking in a lot of large audiences? And, and I, and I immediately went with tactics, right? I went

00:21:04.000 with like, oh, well, uh, you got to watch body language and you got to do your grammar and seem

00:21:08.840 genuine and, you know, and it's all this, excuse my French, but it's like all this shit, like, 0.75

00:21:14.380 like smoke and mirrors. And, and then I realized like, ultimately what it comes down to is whatever

00:21:22.660 I'm talking about. I'm passionate about, like, I have a strong opinion about it and, and I care

00:21:30.860 enough about what I'm talking about that. It's not about me. It's about something else. It's about

00:21:38.600 this, right? It's about restoring masculinity. It's about standing for other men to rise up and

00:21:44.820 become better versions of themselves for their families, for their communities, for much other

00:21:48.900 things. When it, when it comes to work, it's about the importance of helping an organization

00:21:53.320 with that particular system. Right. And I, and I feel really passionate about it. And so I think by

00:21:59.680 being passionate about it and being authentic about what you're doing, everything else kind of works

00:22:07.780 out. Right. And so in this example, you're saying more confident in social settings with groups.

00:22:13.300 Why are you in the social settings? Right. Like why, why do you even care? Why do you, why, why is

00:22:18.840 this even a question? And I'm assuming the question might be like, well, I feel uncomfortable. Okay.

00:22:24.920 Well, who are you thinking about when you feel uncomfortable? You. So don't go, don't be in social

00:22:31.560 groups about you. Go to group settings, be in social settings and make it about other people.

00:22:37.780 Make it about having a great conversation with someone about getting to know someone about

00:22:42.680 listening to them and understanding them and moving on. And I think the less you make it about

00:22:47.600 you and the more you make it about the other individuals that you're getting to know and

00:22:52.600 serve and possibly have a great relationship with, you're not going to be worried about the

00:22:57.280 confidence because you're not, you've transcended the superficial of being concerned about what

00:23:02.920 people think about you. Okay. Now I know that's easier said than done. However, here's one more

00:23:09.960 tidbit and just a little bit of a hack, I guess. Everyone is constantly worried about looking good

00:23:18.080 and avoidance of looking bad. It like really get present to that. Like really like grab that, put it

00:23:23.720 on your lap and really sit with it. People walk around all the time trying to look good, right?

00:23:31.840 If there's any nervousness that I have on doing this podcast today, it's not about like, oh, I sure

00:23:37.640 hope I, I say something that might be impactful to someone. Hell no. Look, the only nervousness that

00:23:44.380 I have is I don't want to look like an ass or I don't want to look like an idiot. Well, that's what

00:23:49.600 everyone's doing. By the way, everybody, we get dressed, we put on the clothes that we put on.

00:23:54.880 Why? Because we want people to think about the way we, you know, we want them to think about us.

00:23:58.640 We're, we're worried about what we say. Why? Because we want to look good. We may not speak

00:24:03.280 up and say certain things because we don't want to look bad. Like everyone is doing this game.

00:24:08.300 So we're also realize that in a group setting that everyone is concerned about. They're not concerned

00:24:13.340 about the way you look. They're more engulfed about being concerned about the way they look.

00:24:18.520 That's what their priority is, not you and pacing judgment on you. And so just realize that everyone's

00:24:24.240 walking around kind of in this matrix of like self-absorbed concerns about what people think

00:24:29.800 about each other. Well, what people think about them that, and use that to your benefit

00:24:34.920 because everyone's concerned about the same thing. So there you go. There's my spiel, man.

00:24:41.220 Um, how to quit drinking and ways to deal with triggers. Shit, man. So first off, um, I am

00:24:51.080 unqualified obviously, uh, to even answer this question. Um, and damn it, I was going to grab

00:24:58.420 a book. Um, when I saw this question, brother, I'm so sorry. I, uh, I was going to grab a book.

00:25:04.420 Damn. I wish I would have grabbed it. Cause it was really insightful. Um, I'll, I'll try to

00:25:09.960 illustrate. So, um, man, I don't even remember the book is it's on my desk. So first off, if there's,

00:25:18.360 if there's alcoholism involved, right. And it's gone beyond just like, Hey, I want to look,

00:25:24.660 what's just pause. If you're trying, if you're having this question, like I I'm trying to quit

00:25:29.440 drinking, you have a problem. Is that fair? So alcohol alcoholics anonymous is probably like

00:25:37.180 world-renowned. We all know that that is a highly effective system. Now, with that said,

00:25:42.820 I do think the one thing I can say to this is the process of people changing is rooted in.

00:25:54.260 And I know this sounds kind of weird. And, and, and Sean, I don't even know if you're a religious

00:25:59.220 guy, but the religious people may appreciate this. It's the repentance process is also the

00:26:03.920 same exact process for growth, learning, and change. It's like the same exact formula.

00:26:09.020 Just switch out the words a little bit. So number one is you got to take ownership

00:26:13.060 or actually let's stop. You need to accept the fact that there's a problem. That's the first sign,

00:26:19.120 right? No, no one's ever going to change anything. If they haven't came to the realization that like,

00:26:23.420 Hey, you know what? Maybe I have a problem here, right? I'm making up in the morning.

00:26:26.200 And the first thing I'm doing is drinking, right? Like that's like the tall tale sign of alcoholism,

00:26:30.420 by the way, like I had a roommate in college that was like completely never drank. And then within

00:26:35.400 three, probably at three months, this kid's like almost drunk every single day, all day long,

00:26:39.980 right? It was a disaster. Anyhow, one come to the realization that there's a problem. Number two,

00:26:46.000 take ownership of it. Now ownership as in don't be a victim. Like, Oh, I got to drink your problem,

00:26:52.500 but you know, my mom and dad raised me poorly and you know, stop all that shit, right? It's in your

00:26:58.060 control, take ownership that, Hey, where you are, you've gotten yourself in this position.

00:27:04.000 And then I'd say number three is, and I don't even know if this is in the book,

00:27:08.760 it's just coming to me is get present to the impact. What is the probable future if you do not

00:27:16.300 change? And by the way, that's such a powerful question for everything. If anyone's like

00:27:21.960 struggling with making a question like, Hey, should I move on? Or should we make some adjustments in our

00:27:27.400 marriage? Or is little Timmy making these shitty decisions? Is he going to be, is he going to be

00:27:33.820 okay in the future? Here you go. Based upon the current decisions, based upon your current actions,

00:27:39.300 what is the probable future if you don't make a change? That is a really powerful conversation to

00:27:45.080 have with yourself to get present to the impact that you're drinking is probably going to have on

00:27:51.140 you. And I would get really into this, right? Like if you're a single guy, then say, you know,

00:27:59.860 am I going to be able to get married? Am I going to, how does this affect my chances of finding the

00:28:04.860 kind of woman I want to be with? If we have children and I don't give this up and I'm drinking

00:28:09.800 on a regular basis, what's the probability of a domestic violence? What's the probability of child

00:28:15.380 abuse? What's the possibility of my kids latching onto the same exact habit and justifying it in

00:28:22.040 their lives? Because I was unable to address this myself. What's the probability of me showing up

00:28:29.220 in my family to provide, protect, and preside over them when I'm sedating myself on a regular basis?

00:28:36.860 Like if you really get deep to this, the impact is huge. And then I'd start focusing on the triggers

00:28:45.920 and then the other processes that you would get through Alcoholics Anonymous and et cetera.

00:28:50.720 A good book on triggers, I would say is probably the book on triggers is Atomic Habits. Look at me

00:28:59.280 all referencing books like there's no tomorrow. I don't have it up. I was going to pull up who the

00:29:06.500 author is, but just Google that. Atomic Habits, James Clear. Great book on triggers. But brother,

00:29:13.900 like also don't think you have to do this by yourself, right? And there's a reason why there's

00:29:18.240 organizations that help men with addictions and don't fall into that thing that like I'm a lone

00:29:24.660 wolf. I'm going to have to figure this shit by myself. Like you might need outside help to pull

00:29:29.540 this off. So best of luck, brother. We have many guys in the iron council that have had huge success

00:29:37.020 with becoming sober. And so from my understanding, this is a really difficult thing. And so best of

00:29:43.640 luck to you, Robbie Luffle. In what way, if any, do you treat your daughter differently than your son?

00:29:51.100 Are you as tough when delivering a punishment? Do you tickle her just as hard? 0.96

00:30:00.080 I am harder on my boy and he's three and my girls are 10 and eight. So I'm harder on the three-year-old

00:30:08.180 possibly. Ironically though, their mom is harder on the girls than she is with the boy. 0.89

00:30:15.900 And so I think it kind of balances itself out a little bit. Now with that said, am I soft on my

00:30:21.720 girls? No, I am not soft with my girls at all. They are tough. I expect them to be able to control 1.00

00:30:30.860 their emotions. They need to put themselves in check if they're being overly crazy and emotional

00:30:37.860 and the expectations that we talk through things, that it's okay to be upset, but we don't lash out.

00:30:45.360 We don't lose control of our emotions and we need to talk through them and they need to own them.

00:30:49.680 They know that if they're upset, that that's a choice that they've made. And I help them make a

00:30:55.580 better choice through that conversation. So I don't take a light on them, but am I sweeter to my

00:31:03.960 girls? Am I a little bit more gentle with them? And the answer is, yeah, I am. And I don't think,

00:31:13.820 I don't know. I don't know why I do that. It feels natural. And so even though I hold them

00:31:20.580 accountable and I have expectations of them and how they show up and establish boundaries and rules in

00:31:26.100 the house, I'm a little bit kinder to them. And one thing that has really resonated with me over the

00:31:32.900 years. And, and Robbie, I don't know if you, how old your daughter is. Um, but if she's younger and

00:31:39.340 you know, like, like still a baby or whatever, um, or if she's older, you probably heard this, but

00:31:43.980 you know, my daughters have gotten in debates with my wife about why they can't marry me when they get 0.99

00:31:50.360 older. And, uh, and I think, trust me, I'm not the only one here. Many guys, our daughters do this

00:31:57.480 because you're their first love and you set the precedence of what a man should be, uh, in their

00:32:07.760 life. And you're going to be the measuring stick of what they select when they get older. And so I

00:32:14.620 think part of knowing that I, I treat them how I'd want a man to treat them, uh, if they were older,

00:32:22.860 right. And they were married or had a boyfriend. And so I treat them that way. I'm, I now don't

00:32:28.380 get me wrong. I'm not a pushover. Cause I also don't want them to marry a man. That's a pushover 0.87

00:32:32.680 and a, a Mr. Nice guy. Right. Um, but I open, open the doors for them because I want to set a

00:32:40.120 precedence that a guy should open the door for them, you know? And so I, I really try to, uh,

00:32:46.060 emulate what the kind of man that I want them to focus and look for when they get older.

00:32:50.620 Hopefully that helps Robbie. Texas Seth, Seth, what's a good way to start discovering your why?

00:32:59.320 So man, I, I, I kind of struggle with this. Um, well, I have a couple ideas. So I fall in the camp

00:33:08.960 that there's no like, uh, and, and, and, and Seth, I know I'm not saying that you're saying this,

00:33:15.540 uh, but just to lay out some groundwork. Um, we create this, right. I don't, I don't like the idea

00:33:23.080 that like, you know, fine, like find my purpose or find my why. Like it's this thing that I need to

00:33:29.560 discover. Um, I think it's something that you get to create. Um, and so, so that's number one,

00:33:36.860 it's your creation. Number two to lay groundworks here. Groundwork item. Number two is if you took

00:33:44.880 knowledge and, and we had a pie chart of knowledge in that pie chart, a section of that is stuff,

00:33:52.800 you know, right. You know, these things, like you're an expert in certain areas, you know, how to,

00:33:57.920 uh, you know, wipe your butt, right. And you know how to drive a car and you, you, there's things,

00:34:03.680 you know, right. Or even in your profession, you know, and then there's a, uh, a slice of

00:34:08.040 knowledge that is that you, you know, you don't know, right. So I know, I don't know how to do

00:34:13.820 brain surgery, right. I know, I don't know how to do AutoCAD drafts, um, of plans. And I know,

00:34:21.620 I don't know how to do a bunch of things. And then there's this huge slice that is, you don't know

00:34:27.660 that you don't know it. Now I actually think part of life is to dip into that. Don't know what you

00:34:34.800 don't know. Um, and, and I try to hold onto that often because we sometimes think we, we, we look

00:34:41.480 at life from the context of what we know and, and we judge and place like whether something is right

00:34:48.300 or wrong or whatever, based upon the context of our current knowledge. And it's amazing how,

00:34:54.120 if you just knew more, what you don't know, what you don't know, you don't know how your context of

00:34:59.920 life would drastically change. And so, um, now with that said, your quote unquote, why might be over

00:35:07.020 there. And so when I think about discovering your why it's about taking action and constant pivoting

00:35:13.920 and seeing what connects. Now there's a handful of things that we all kind of know that we excite us

00:35:19.820 things that you're passionate about things that, um, you might have a strong opinion about

00:35:25.160 go after those and look for opportunities to serve or develop yourself in those areas and just

00:35:33.260 experiment and create experiences of learning. And I think that's kind of how you find it or create it

00:35:41.820 for that matter is, um, yeah, going after it and trying things out. Um, a good example and, and

00:35:50.700 Ryan's used it so many times and I'll just regurgitate his story, but like, you know, the order man of

00:35:56.040 podcasts originated from him starting a financial services podcast. He didn't even know he liked

00:36:02.420 podcasting until he did a subject around financial services. And then once he did that, he's like, wow,

00:36:08.120 I really love this podcast thing, but I don't like the conversation. So I'm going to change the

00:36:11.560 conversation about something I'm more passionate about. And, you know, six, five, you know, five,

00:36:15.920 six years later, you know, here we are order man podcast. So, um, I think it really requires action

00:36:22.620 and you putting yourself out there and trying things and, and, and seeing how they, how they, uh,

00:36:29.320 click, you know, and see if they resonate and see if there's, there's something there that kind of

00:36:34.180 gets you fired up. Um, but I'd really focus on those areas of your life that, uh, you're already

00:36:39.480 kind of passionate about that. You feel like you can get behind. And, and maybe this might be fun

00:36:45.320 consideration for us to think about what is a, why what's that mean? Start discovering your why.

00:36:53.280 And, and, and if I had to guess what you're saying, Seth, and what most people say, when they say,

00:36:57.600 why is how do you find a greater purpose to life? So you find fulfillment in, and how you show up.

00:37:09.820 And so I think really what we're asking is how do I find fulfillment in life and have a greater impact?

00:37:16.400 So my life actually means something, at least that's what why is for me. And so if you look at

00:37:22.340 it that way, it's like, okay, well, how do you find fulfillment? How do you make a difference?

00:37:26.540 How do you leave a legacy? What's the impact that you can create? What's the area that is lacking

00:37:31.920 that needs someone to rise up, uh, and fill a void. That is such a dire thing. A way I've heard this

00:37:38.880 before. Uh, we all have problems, right? It's like time. You can ask someone that's retired and you can

00:37:44.460 say, how's things going? And they won't say like, oh, I'm so bored. You know, I don't have it. No,

00:37:49.480 they're all, I'm so busy. Everyone's always busy. It doesn't matter what you're doing.

00:37:52.440 Time fills up things and people get busy regardless of whatever it is that they have

00:37:57.980 going on. I think problems are the same way. Everyone has problems. People that have a fulfilled

00:38:04.580 life choose their problems. That's it. So go find a problem and make it your own and find fulfillment

00:38:12.780 and purpose in tackling a problem. And instead of sitting back and letting who the current president

00:38:20.280 is be your problem or creating drama in your family, being your problem. And trust me, everyone

00:38:24.720 has problems, but people that elevate themselves and have a greater impact in the world, they chose

00:38:31.020 their problem. So go find one zombie cult. How much fear did you have before launching the podcast?

00:38:37.140 I'm about to launch mine and I'm scared shitless. Maybe I shouldn't mention that. I mean, let me say

00:38:43.740 this zombie. I can't, I can't talk for Ryan on this one. I actually don't know how he would answer this.

00:38:48.820 Um, but I would assume, is he nervous about it? Yeah. Probably because he cares. So just like, uh,

00:38:55.680 you know, when I have to record solo, even when we do podcasts every week, I'm a little nervous

00:38:59.780 going into these. Um, and I think it's a sign of, of, of caring now with that said, kind of back to

00:39:07.820 what I said earlier, right? Like, why are you scared? Is it, is about looking good. It's because you

00:39:11.840 don't want judgments of the other people. Is it because blah, blah, blah. Well, you get past that by

00:39:15.980 making it bigger than you. You get past that by focusing on the bigger issue, not necessarily

00:39:20.980 about how you look, but trying to leave an impact. Ryan shares the story and I, I, I won't go into

00:39:26.800 the whole story, but I've latched onto the saying that he said, you won't realize your impact or what

00:39:32.700 you're capable of until you're willing to light yourself on fire and let people watch my definition,

00:39:38.900 or at least what I've let that mean for me. When I hear him say that is willing to be pointed at,

00:39:45.520 willing to be laughed at, willing to watch people burn, have you burn yourself because why you're

00:39:51.940 committed to something bigger. And the purpose of what you're here, the purpose of why I'm on this

00:39:57.660 podcast today is not to look good, not to lift up my ego. It's an attempt to, to leave a lasting

00:40:04.560 impact and to stand for other men. So focus on the bigger purpose. If you're looking for advice

00:40:11.280 on how to get past, you know, the nervousness. All right. How do I get my butt up early? Uh,

00:40:18.260 sorry. Rev Williams, T Rev Williams. How do I get my butt up early so that I have more time to be

00:40:23.580 productive exercise and be generally more productive and bad-ass. I like it. Be bad-ass. Um,

00:40:30.020 get up early. That's the answer. Sorry, T Rev. That's, I know you're, how's this? Prep the night

00:40:38.920 before. Eliminate boundaries, make it easier to get up early and get productive. Remove the barriers

00:40:45.420 that makes it hard. Um, but most importantly, get up and do it. That's it, man. And, and, and maybe the

00:40:52.860 tall tale sign is if you're bitching, like the, the sign that you're bitching out is the minute you have 1.00

00:40:58.520 to excuse why you shouldn't alarm goes off. And the minute you start going, Oh man, I didn't get

00:41:05.680 good enough sleep. Maybe I should, you're bitching out. So if you have to excuse it or come up with a 0.57

00:41:13.460 reason in your own mind, that's when you just say, you know what? No, that's not how I'm going to show

00:41:17.360 up in life. And then just get up anyway. Uh, but prep the night before, uh, that's the big thing,

00:41:23.800 right? Should we lose sleep? No, you actually shouldn't lose sleep. You actually should get a

00:41:29.540 huge amount of sleep, eight to nine hours, and you should feel great about it. So what do you need

00:41:34.880 to do to get up early? Go to bed earlier, get your workout clothes on, put them, you know, already have

00:41:41.160 set up, eliminate the barriers of having to, um, get up. And, and I've already referenced this like

00:41:47.000 atomic habits, you know, you might want to, you know, hack life a little bit and figure out what

00:41:53.200 you need to do to, um, uh, generate those habit forming, uh, and, and utilize triggers as part of

00:41:59.300 your benefit of, of getting past this. So check that book out as well. If you haven't already.

00:42:03.580 All right. Uh, chatty, bop, bop, chatty, bop. What's your morning routine? Um, this is fun. I was

00:42:10.440 actually on a just podcast yesterday and we're just talking about this. So, um, I think the miracle

00:42:15.020 morning is a great book in regards to morning routines. Um, I've taken that and kind of create

00:42:21.660 my own KIP version, my KIP isms. So, um, this is what I do. So first up I hop up and I go immediately,

00:42:29.120 well, I pound a pre-workout, criticize me all you want. So I take my legalized crack, uh, my pre-workout

00:42:36.540 and I go to the gym. I cannot meditate. I can't do anything first. Cause then I'll just fall right

00:42:41.320 back to sleep. So the first thing you do, I get up, take my pre-workout. I go to the

00:42:45.000 gym. I work out. Once I come back from my workout, um, I go outside. Most cases I go outside

00:42:52.660 and I meditate for five minutes and what that meditation looks like. It used to be like guided

00:42:58.080 meditations. Like I'd listen to headspace or other meditations. Now I just listen to the sky

00:43:04.960 and I just sit there, try to clear my mind, hear the birds currently right now. Cause spring has

00:43:09.940 started right here. The birds hear the wind hitting the trees. When thoughts enter my mind,

00:43:14.980 I just let them go focus on my breathing. And I do that for five minutes. After that,

00:43:20.000 I hop back into the house. I grabbed my journal and I write a page of something that I'm grateful

00:43:26.460 for it. And I explained why, why I am grateful for it. After I'm done writing that one page

00:43:32.860 in my journal, I grabbed my card. I already talked about it earlier, my affirmation card.

00:43:37.520 And I read that affirmation. After I read the affirmation, I grabbed my phone. I pull up my

00:43:43.940 calendar for the day. And then I visualize based upon that affirmation. I visualize how does that

00:43:50.540 man show up based upon my day? Right? So I might go, okay, it's Monday. Um, recording a podcast. Okay.

00:43:58.260 Well, based upon what I just read, like, how should I show up when I walk into the podcast

00:44:02.880 studio? How, how should I communicate on the mic? Oh, I got jujitsu in the afternoon. How does that

00:44:08.800 man walk into the gym? How do I communicate with individuals? How do I roll? Am I passive

00:44:13.680 aggressive? Am I overly aggressive? Am I articulate in my moves? Am I thought provoked? Am I fully

00:44:19.880 present? How does that man go from the office and walk into the house? Am I pissed off? I throw

00:44:26.920 my bag down. If the house is a mess, do I, am I huffing and puffing? Or do I see my kids? Am I

00:44:32.980 excited? Do I ask them how their day was? How does that man also show up to dinner? And how do we have

00:44:38.300 dinner as a family? What kind of questions does he ask his wife? Like, what does that look like? 0.88

00:44:42.300 Right? How does that man show up? And then ultimately, how do I spend the rest of the evening

00:44:46.840 with my wife? That's my morning routine. Peter's 34. What is your go-to Brazilian jujitsu

00:44:55.560 take down for a larger opponent of equal skill? Man. So, I'm not, you think, right? Black belt in

00:45:09.880 Brazilian jujitsu, I'd have this down. So, I have a couple, you know, like if I were, if we're talking

00:45:15.840 gi, I would focus on collar grab, sleeve grab, and then I'd probably cross collar grab to arm drag.

00:45:24.920 I'd probably arm drag would probably be the number one thing. It generated scramble, worst case,

00:45:31.540 maybe you could arm drag and then come into a double leg or a single leg, depending on how they

00:45:36.000 scrabble. I'm not good enough with like my judo trips and stuff or throws. So, I just, a good old

00:45:42.640 classic arm drag. If it's nogi, I'm not very good with my singles and double legs. So, I might attempt 0.92

00:45:54.900 an outside single leg so I don't expose myself, right? And then there's a little bit of chase

00:46:01.300 scramble, possible back take from there. So, an outside single leg or I don't do anything and I let

00:46:10.140 my opponent shoot in so I can focus on the guillotine or the Kimura. And especially on a

00:46:17.300 bigger component, right? Like opponent, like pulling guard, probably not a good idea, right?

00:46:21.900 You don't want that guy on top of you. And now that I say even the arm drag, like, and I think

00:46:26.420 if their arm drag's done effectively, you're not going to throw him on you, right? You're arm dragging

00:46:32.040 him off to the side of you or collar dragging off to the side of you. And so, I think that's a safe

00:46:39.800 takedown for a big guy as well. So, nogi, I wait for them to shoot so I can go look for the Kimura

00:46:47.140 or a guillotine. Gui, I'll do a sleeve cross collar grab to a drag or actually, you know, 0.91

00:46:55.260 I might go for an arm drag on nogi or an outside single. There you go. Let's see.

00:47:05.340 Mr. Jed Wise, in a digital world, how does a man meet a woman? Jed, I'm sorry, man, but I think the

00:47:13.040 appropriate question is how does a man not meet a woman in a digital world? Like we went from like

00:47:18.040 the only girls in my village are, you know, four ladies in my village and I'm going to have to 1.00

00:47:25.440 choose one of those two. I can hop online and go to eharmony.com and probably thousands of other

00:47:32.800 online websites and have options of millions of people. So, geez, I don't know how you not meet a

00:47:40.880 woman on, you know, in our current world. Yeah, man, use the tools. I don't actually,

00:47:47.720 I'm not against digital dating. I wouldn't, I'd be careful to base your digital relationship as a

00:47:55.220 solid relationship to get married. I mean, I think eventually you got to meet in person and get to

00:47:59.100 know the individual and it has to transcend, you know, far greater than digitally meeting one

00:48:03.940 another. But I think the opportunities to meet women are really high. If anything, it's probably

00:48:10.520 really easy. Maybe just to add to your question is go where the kind of women you are looking for 1.00

00:48:17.100 are located. You know what I mean? So if you don't want to find a shameless hussy, well, don't go to 1.00

00:48:25.000 the strip club, you know, go somewhere else. So like church for instance, or maybe at the gym or,

00:48:34.160 you know, in other hobbies that you might have. So go where they are. And most importantly, make sure

00:48:40.200 that you're showing up as a man that is in a position to attract those kinds of women that

00:48:47.160 you're seeking for. Bob Runner, 12, 11, what are the most important things to focus on as a man on

00:48:55.240 raising a daughter, two years old, firstborn? Bob, I would go back to what I was saying earlier.

00:49:02.560 Who you are as a man in their life is what they're going to measure, the kind of man they should

00:49:10.320 marry. So I would very, just be very present and be that kind of man that you, that you hope your

00:49:16.200 daughter finds when she gets older and show up that way. I think that's the most important thing to

00:49:21.620 focus on. Yeah. I kind of already answered it earlier. So hopefully that was helpful earlier.

00:49:27.740 Jackson Jenkins, is it better to play the long game and stick with a company that rewards tenor

00:49:34.060 or jump companies in effort to build income quicker? I'm a project manager at a utility company,

00:49:40.200 but trying to increase my income to tackle Dave Ramsey's baby steps. I'm currently working three jobs

00:49:45.740 and would like to cut back to only one. So I don't think those are only two options, right? You said

00:49:54.700 stay at a company long game that rewards tenor or jump companies and make income quicker.

00:50:03.200 I don't know what industry, well, you did mention what industry, I don't know. Maybe it's harder to

00:50:07.640 find these companies, but man, I think both of those suck ass, right? So one, I'll just share my

00:50:13.860 opinion when I hire people. If people are selecting us because we're paying them more money than the next

00:50:20.260 company, that's not an employee I want. Seriously, I want the employee that wants to work for us

00:50:25.820 because of the alignment of our company values and the kind of company we are. That's more important

00:50:32.120 to me. And if someone comes here because, well, you know, if you guys pay me more, I'll come here,

00:50:38.320 but otherwise I want to go somewhere else. I'd be like, go somewhere else then.

00:50:40.740 It's a benefit to work here. And if there's proper alignment, then they come here. Now,

00:50:49.040 with that said, we don't really reward tenor. We reward effectiveness. So if you come and you

00:50:58.880 bust ass and you're doing an amazing job, you're going to get rewarded. I mean, this idea that like,

00:51:03.960 oh, you stuck around and was mediocre for the last 10 years. So let's give you a raise. You really want

00:51:08.820 to work for a company like that? Screw that. I hate that too. So I say, find a company that does

00:51:15.680 both for you, that you can come in, make some additional money because you're bringing value

00:51:20.940 and that will continue to benefit you and reward you based upon the effectiveness that you bring to

00:51:26.840 the table. Now, if I had to choose between these two, man, I don't know. That's my answer.

00:51:33.780 I'm sticking with my answer, Jackson. That's my answer, man. I think you can get exactly what

00:51:38.780 you're looking for. I don't think you need to settle for one of those. I think you can get

00:51:42.700 both. Jared Porter, how do you escape side control? There's like jujitsu questions going

00:51:49.780 on today. So how do you escape side control? I'll just give you a couple of tips. So they're past

00:51:58.240 your guard, right? And they already have you in side control. So the first off is don't let them

00:52:02.800 get cross face and bunker in. So you got to stop that at all. Like protect the neck during while

00:52:09.520 someone's passing your guard. Do not let them get cross face on you. Once that's covered and they 1.00

00:52:16.600 can't get cross face and you're agitating that arm that's trying to get cross face, you're in a

00:52:24.020 position to escape. And so whether that's passing the arm over, whether that's controlling hip, but

00:52:30.920 the key thing I would focus on is maintaining, getting a knee in to side control. So you can

00:52:39.120 start getting a guard back. If you can't get a knee in, look at using one of your legs to hook their leg

00:52:45.320 and pull it away. So you can maybe even under hook and start working onto their back. But the main thing is

00:52:53.080 prevent the cross face from occurring. Maintain some hip control. Be careful. Don't use your

00:52:58.800 wrist. I always use my forearm so you don't get wrist locked when they roll their hips towards you.

00:53:03.160 But focus on getting a knee in, maintaining distance, protect the neck. There you go. It's

00:53:09.320 hard to do that over a podcast. We should just do some videos for you guys. Dad vibes, best way to learn

00:53:14.540 new information, book, class, podcast, and et cetera. All of it is great ways to learn new information.

00:53:20.660 I would suggest that you look into dad vibes, look into Bloom's taxonomy, and it's a triangle of how

00:53:29.460 people learn and comprehend data. The ability to read something and regurgitate it is the lowest form

00:53:36.460 of understanding. You got to move past it. And if you think about it, there's ways to do that. For

00:53:43.540 instance, we've talked about on this podcast already, I've already given you tons of advice,

00:53:49.120 whether it's a morning ritual, whether it's writing the affirmations,

00:53:57.200 determining your why, et cetera. Pause and or after this, grab a notebook and act.

00:54:06.640 Scenario-based training, action learning, grab it and apply it. If it's a book, don't read the whole

00:54:13.260 book and then lose half the shit that you read that was valuable, stop or put a dog ear on it, 0.91

00:54:19.880 come back and implement it and see how it works and see what doesn't work and pivot and adjust and

00:54:25.600 massage it and actually apply it in everyday scenarios. That's how we ultimately learn where

00:54:32.800 we might get the ideas from book, classes, podcasts, and et cetera. I think it's indifferent,

00:54:40.420 right? Classes are, is a class someone lecturing you any different than you reading a book or podcast?

00:54:46.940 I think they're all kind of similar, right? They're means of gathering data and ideas,

00:54:52.080 but the locking in of the knowledge doesn't occur until we actually apply it to

00:54:56.560 a scenario of some sort. So I'd focus on application, action learning. Mason Williams, 1993.

00:55:05.920 I struggle with having hard conversations with my wife. I feel she isn't very perceptive to it.

00:55:12.640 How can I improve with communicating to guide her to be more receptive? Oh, to guide her to be

00:55:19.360 more receptive. This is good. Why isn't she receptive? And why is the conversation hard?

00:55:28.580 Ask that question first. And it's probably hard and it's receptive because it comes across as a form

00:55:34.560 of an attack of some sort that she is not doing something right, or you're asking her to change

00:55:40.020 or whatever it is. So let's, let's come up with a scenario really quick. I'm not very good at these

00:55:47.540 audibles scenario-based ideas, but let's come up with this scenario and then let's walk through this.

00:55:54.080 So geez, I'm so lame. Let's go with, let's go with something that pisses me off typically.

00:56:05.620 Okay. My wife is always late for church typically. And it's no big deal because she doesn't listen to 1.00

00:56:11.260 the podcast. In fact, she doesn't even know about order of man. I've kept this secret for all these

00:56:14.660 years. I'm joking. So she's always late and I've reached my threshold. I'm just pissed off about it.

00:56:23.540 And I want to talk to her about it. And at first glance, let's be honest. Let's all be honest.

00:56:27.480 I want to talk to her about it. Why? Because I want her to change. Right. So, so, and if I approach

00:56:33.740 it from the perspective of, Hey, age, you know, I really want to talk to you about something that's,

00:56:37.600 you know, really important to me or whatever. And I start off that, you know, whenever you're late

00:56:41.400 for church, it really, you know, here's all the impact and it makes us late, us kids late makes

00:56:46.300 me look bad. And I hate walking down and everyone's already there. And I look like a schmuck. And

00:56:51.520 what you, you really set the precedence that church isn't important by showing up late all the time,

00:56:57.540 whatever. And you tell her your story. How's that going to go? Probably not that well. And that is

00:57:03.600 a hard conversation. Why? Because you're attacking someone and you're thinking they should do something

00:57:07.320 different. You know, what's not hard conversation is to tell her why something's your fault.

00:57:15.020 That's not hard. It's hard for you, but it's not hard for her. And is she going to be receptive to

00:57:21.880 you owning something and apologizing for the way you showed up? Yeah, that's easy for her.

00:57:28.080 Everyone will be receptive to that. So my suggestion is you don't go like, first off,

00:57:33.660 this is really interesting. And you could do, you can ask people things, right? You can ask

00:57:39.760 things of your spouse. You can say, honey, would you be willing to, or would you consider doing

00:57:44.300 something? But, but ultimately she's her own person. She has freedoms and she could do whatever 1.00

00:57:51.880 the shit she wants, whether you like it or not. And it's funny because we course people into doing

00:57:59.100 what we think they should do. And we kind of take away their freedom of choice by like creating

00:58:04.720 ultimatums, right? I'm going to be an asshole to you if you don't do what I want you to do.

00:58:08.120 Now we don't say that, but we do it in our actions. And so in that same example, the way you would

00:58:14.040 handle this or the way I would handle this is, you know, honey, there, I want to talk to you about

00:58:20.060 something that, that I need to own. Well, yeah, what's going on. If you notice, I was probably

00:58:25.040 really agitated earlier today and I want to apologize. Oh, apologize for what she says.

00:58:31.660 Well, as you know, one of the things I really like when we show up to church late, I have

00:58:39.540 intensity immediately start judge being judgmental towards you. I get all ornery and it makes me feel

00:58:45.720 like you don't appreciate something that, that is important to me. And I know that's not even true.

00:58:50.260 And that's my interpretation of what that means. So I actually want to apologize because I'm sure

00:58:56.580 you're not intentionally being late just to, you know, razz me or to make a point that I'm not

00:59:02.580 important or you're not willing to consider what I want. And so I want to apologize for that. And I

00:59:07.820 just want to communicate that as kind of riled up and, and that's kind of what it was. And so that

00:59:12.800 really bothers me. So my apologies for that. That's it.

00:59:21.100 Now you might want to throw in, or you might consider throwing in like, Hey hon, you know,

00:59:26.800 if, if you can, or if you're willing, I'd really appreciate if we could try to get to church on

00:59:33.640 time, it'd be really meaningful to me. And in fact, I was wondering, what can I do to make that happen?

00:59:41.000 If I got up a little bit earlier, or maybe I, I tackled the kids, I'll get the kids already.

00:59:46.880 If I did that, would that allow that to be maybe even more possible? What, what can I do to,

00:59:52.600 because it's important to me and, and I'm sure it's even important to you. Right. And I have

00:59:57.580 intensity. This is kind of a trigger for me. And I know it's a little silly, but what can I do to

01:00:01.800 make sure that, that we can maybe make that happen? I think she'd be receptive. Zach Valdez,

01:00:08.620 what hardships have you faced in entrepreneurship and where did you, and how did you overcome them?

01:00:15.760 Um, so first off I, uh, I started geez. Oh, six, I think. Oh, six. Oh, seven is when I started

01:00:27.240 working for myself. Um, and Ryan, of course, I started working for himself probably about what,

01:00:33.320 six years ago as well. And maybe even seven, maybe even more than that, actually. Now that I think

01:00:38.300 about it. Um, but regardless, what hardships that I face, uh, the balance is probably the hardest.

01:00:44.440 Um, I was good at what I did from a consulting perspective, but when you first start,

01:00:50.180 you're not just like, at least for me, I'm not just a consultant. I'm, I'm the sales director.

01:00:56.460 I'm the marketing expert. I'm the, uh, and, and I'm the professional services guy. And so the balance

01:01:03.100 of constantly jumping in between those where I'd focus on sales so much, and then I get too much

01:01:08.880 sales. I didn't have enough resources, get the work done. I'd get heads down on the work. I focus

01:01:13.540 too much on that. Then all of a sudden I'd lose sales momentum, and then I'd have to do some

01:01:18.260 marketing and then I'd get distracted. Like just that balance of the different roles required,

01:01:23.880 um, to do my own thing was probably one of the hardest hardships. The other one was

01:01:30.000 getting over the perceived sense of stability.

01:01:40.020 And, and I say perceived because it's not true. We have a tendency sometimes to think like

01:01:46.220 the most stable thing is to work for corporate America. Uh, it'll be a stable company and the

01:01:52.540 company's not going anywhere. And we think because the company's not going nowhere that we're not

01:01:56.840 going anywhere, but, but the correlations and the variables between you working and your success

01:02:03.660 in a large corporation is like huge. I mean, you could be an amazing employee and be highly

01:02:09.960 effective and still get laid off. But when you work for yourself and you bust your ass and you're

01:02:16.060 working hard, the correlation between that and success are like almost a one-to-one. And so I do

01:02:22.360 think it's perceived stability. Uh, and it's really not, it's just, it's in your hands and you haven't

01:02:30.120 delegated out the stability to someone else. And so getting over that was, was critical to me. Um,

01:02:39.000 but, um, I want to give you some tip tips here, Zach. So the other thing I consider that was a tip for me

01:02:46.040 to get past the, um, how to balance my time between sales and work. Um, and, and, and probably farming

01:02:54.160 a clients like that was another, yeah, that was another struggle was how do I, how do I come across

01:03:01.060 genuine to my clients and not trying to sell them and be desperate and, and really just provide a

01:03:07.740 service to them. And really what I did is my focus was impressions. Every month I'd leave an impression

01:03:18.300 and that impression could be an email that I just shoot off and say, Hey, you know, how's things

01:03:25.020 going? We just recently did a project that was really similar to what we did for you guys. So

01:03:29.360 you came to mind, you know, just checking in and see, you know, if there's any need for our assistance,

01:03:33.580 blah, blah, blah. Or I might send a tech updates about, Hey, these are the latest things you guys

01:03:38.320 should really know about. That's really critical. And here's some recommendations. Um, or here's

01:03:43.540 another vendor that I started working with that you guys might want to connect and, and are, if you're

01:03:48.600 interested, I'll connect to you guys. Some value, some impression on a monthly basis to all my existing

01:03:55.080 clients. That was critical. The other critical aspect was quality work. I use the example of the

01:04:02.100 hole in the wall restaurant. It's funny. Strategically, we'll look at a business plan

01:04:07.060 and you could go, okay, business plan. You need the restaurant in a really great location, uh, where

01:04:13.500 a lot of good foot traffic signage and branding is super critical. Like you can come up with all

01:04:18.640 these things that will drive business. And then all of a sudden you see this anomaly of an amazing

01:04:25.840 hole in the wall restaurant that is so damn good. And it's in a shitty location and a shitty building.

01:04:33.220 The logo sucks ass. And it's like too small. They don't have enough like tables for everybody,

01:04:40.300 but there's a line outside to get in. Why? Cause the quality of work is superior.

01:04:46.340 It's the same thing with consulting, man. Quality of work that we do will speak for itself. Clients

01:04:53.660 will refer to one another. When a person leaves one company and goes to another company, they bring

01:04:58.640 you along. So I'd really focus quality, quality, quality, and all that you do, do it an amazing

01:05:04.660 way. And, and one tactic that I've used in the past is when I do a project and I don't do it anymore

01:05:10.640 and we should probably reinstigate this, but what I used to do in the past is we'd have our project scope

01:05:15.420 and I look at the project scope and I would identify how do we wow. This is what the client

01:05:20.540 wants. We're going to deliver this and we're going to deliver it in budget and in this timeline,

01:05:24.860 but how do we wow them? Where's the wow factor? And it's different for every client. A wow factor

01:05:30.840 for this client is, man, they have a crunch timeline. If we got this done even earlier than planned,

01:05:35.820 that's a wow factor. Or this client really cares about the user experience and the polish and

01:05:40.840 how nice things look. There's our wow. Over communication. That's our wow. Identify what

01:05:47.140 the wow is. We don't want a happy client. We want a wow client. Someone that was like, dude, it was

01:05:53.900 amazing working with you guys. Refreshing, not just, yeah, you guys did pretty good. That's not good

01:05:58.960 enough. Wow. Look for the wow factor in what you do. Pen already writer. How can I be involved in

01:06:06.540 your work? I am only starting to have, I'm only starting to have my own source of income and my

01:06:14.480 parents don't want to pay anything for me. Good parents, by the way. So I want to be involved in

01:06:20.360 a way that is affordable. So he wants to be involved in a way that's affordable. And he just started his

01:06:27.560 own source of income and he wants to help Mr. Mickler. So I'm going to give you a tip.

01:06:34.220 Your tip is you come to the table and you tell him what you can do.

01:06:40.480 You just wasted his time. How can I get involved? Yeah. He's going to spend 30 minutes and think

01:06:46.020 about all the possible things that you could, he could possibly use you for. You don't think

01:06:49.720 he's probably heard this with 20 different ways. No, no. You figure out what your talents are,

01:06:55.740 what you can bring to the table, what you're going to do different than everybody else,

01:06:59.680 your unique selling proposition, what makes you different than other people that want to get on

01:07:05.280 the bandwagon and help. And then you pitch, I can help in this ways. This is how it would benefit you.

01:07:12.140 This is my commitment to it. And then you share that information.

01:07:15.000 Bobby Cox 11. What should I do to start building mental toughness and grit, grit in my son? What age

01:07:24.780 is appropriate? My son is only four. So sometimes I feel like I'm being too hard on him or expecting

01:07:30.400 too much. For example, some mornings he's in a bad mood and refuses to dress himself. When in fact,

01:07:37.100 he can dress himself easily and does every morning. He usually says things like I can't and cries and

01:07:43.500 whines. Again, he's only four. So I try not to be too hard on him. I just don't know where the line

01:07:50.140 is. Man, this is a good question. And it's good. And this is good for me too, Bobby. So I, so I have

01:07:55.320 a three-year-old right now. And of course I have, he's my sixth. So I have five other kids that I've

01:08:01.960 gone past the age of four, obviously. But this idea of mental toughness is super valuable.

01:08:10.780 Um, one thing that's Ryan has said to me in the past that I really like is don't lose sight of

01:08:17.300 what you're trying to learn or what you're trying to get them to learn. You really don't want little

01:08:23.960 Timmy to get dressed. You want him to learn to be consistent and be able to do it himself. Right.

01:08:30.520 And, and you've already alluded to it, but don't lose sight of what we're trying to accomplish.

01:08:34.260 Right. It's not that the room needs to be clean. We want our kids to learn the importance of being

01:08:40.580 organized and taking care of their things. Okay. So don't lose sight of what we're trying to learn.

01:08:47.140 Now, with that said, make it fun. He's four. And by the way, I say this from the position of this is

01:08:55.140 the number one thing I do wrong. Guaranteed everything. My wife's like, dude, stop being so 1.00

01:09:00.660 damn serious. Like no kid. How's this, Bobby? No one wants to follow you. Your kids are not going

01:09:08.700 to want to be you because you're so hard charging and you got shit done. They want to see that,

01:09:16.660 but they want you to do it from a place of joy and fun. That's appealing to a kid.

01:09:23.640 So play, like figure out how do you get little Tim to put his clothes on and make it fun.

01:09:31.800 I erase you, right? Oh, you're, you're naked. I'm naked too. Erase you, grab your pants, lay his

01:09:37.900 pants on. This is what we're going to do. You got five minutes, you know, ready, set, go. Who gets

01:09:42.360 fast? You know, like come up with strategies to make it fun. Now through that process. And I, and I do

01:09:48.980 think, especially at this age, it's a little bit tough, like mental toughness is, is, but that's

01:09:53.680 also how we learn toughness, right? That's what's so great about competitiveness and competitive sports

01:09:59.520 is that extra rep you don't want to do, but you do it anyway because you're pushing each other. And

01:10:05.400 then you learn a little bit of toughness, but competition is fun at the same time. So, especially

01:10:10.940 with our kids, try to figure out how to make it enjoyable. And in that process, we'll build some

01:10:17.440 mental toughness and do it with them, like side-by-side with them, show them. I used to,

01:10:24.340 I made this mistake way too many times. I'd be like, kids, you got to clean your room. And then

01:10:28.520 I'd go off and do my own thing. I'm not teaching them how to clean their room. I just demanded

01:10:34.700 something of them, but who's teaching them the quality and where to put things. And trust me,

01:10:40.140 even if you showed them once, they don't remember, they don't know what quality looks like,

01:10:45.360 how things should be done, doing it properly. So, unfortunately, and here's the unfortunate part,

01:10:51.440 that shit's going to eat up your time. You don't have, like, that's my complaint. Like,

01:10:56.140 I don't have time. I don't have time to do this, but you know what? I don't have time for my kids.

01:11:01.180 So, get in the trenches with them. Dad, you know, just the other day, dad, I'm afraid to go outside

01:11:06.080 and take out the trash, right? It's 10 o'clock. My daughter's a little afraid of the outside. I'm like,

01:11:09.740 all right, let's do this. We can do this. She's like, okay, okay, here we go. You know what I mean?

01:11:14.060 And so, I'm having fun with it. I'm like, okay, grab a flashlight, check around the corner. See

01:11:18.720 anything? All right, we're good here. All right, I'll cover for you. You throw the thing in the

01:11:21.740 back. You know what I mean? And we're having fun with it. And she did something that she probably

01:11:27.800 didn't want to do. You know what I mean? But she did it anyway, because we made it a little bit

01:11:32.880 more enjoyable. The other thing I would suggest though, don't rob them of the opportunity though,

01:11:39.700 right? When we're in the trenches with them and we're cleaning the room with them or like, hey,

01:11:44.320 take out the trash and like, dad, like every single time I take out the recycling, I'm not

01:11:48.780 tall enough to reach out to the thing. Don't go like, oh, well, here, hand it to me. No, no. You're

01:11:52.860 like, oh, well, how could you get up higher? How do you get up higher? Oh man, is there something

01:11:59.840 you could, you know, look around with some ideas, you know, and let them be creative and come up with

01:12:04.540 the solution so they can start realizing, building some confidence that like, okay, I got this. Like

01:12:09.720 I can figure these things out. And so don't rescue them, let them struggle, but be with them and make

01:12:15.700 it enjoyable. Those would be my recommendations. Okay, guys, I think we're going to call it, man.

01:12:25.160 So a couple of things that are critical that I mentioned earlier, but we'll touch base on them

01:12:30.940 really quick. So connect with Mr. Mickler on Instagram and Twitter at Ryan Mickler, M-I-C-H-L-E-R

01:12:38.780 is the spelling of his last name, Ryan, R-Y-A-N. Second, Iron Council, our exclusive brotherhood,

01:12:46.580 we open this up on a quarterly basis, right? It's been open for the last two weeks to start off

01:12:51.780 the first week of April in the new cohort group. If you want to start off in the IC in April,

01:12:58.720 you need to join now. That's going to close roughly, I think later this week. And then

01:13:03.680 you're not getting in until, you know, next quarter. So if you've been on the fence, take

01:13:08.640 some action, join us in the Iron Council to learn more about it or to sign up, go to

01:13:14.420 orderman.com slash Iron Council. If you're not ready this quarter and you're like, hey, next

01:13:19.340 quarter, but you know, how do I know, how do I learn when it's open again? Go to the website,

01:13:25.140 sign up for the newsletter or follow Mr. Mickler or myself on the social. So then that way we can

01:13:30.200 communicate that out to you and stay banded with us. If it's not obvious guys, what we're doing,

01:13:36.940 if you're listening to this, you know what we're about. We know, you know what path and what problem

01:13:43.660 we've decided to take on. So band with us, help us move this movement forward. And you do that

01:13:51.500 by sharing episodes, by leaving a rating and a review, by connecting with us on social media,

01:13:58.860 by sharing messages with other individuals. Guys, this, I can't stress how critical this work is

01:14:05.440 and how much it's needed. And we can't do it alone and we do it as a community and as a tribe. So band

01:14:12.520 with us, join us in those many different ways, help us progress this movement forward so we can make a

01:14:19.180 lasting impact in the lives of men across the world. And then lastly, I'd like to say is just

01:14:24.760 thanks for the support for you, for those that are have or have been banding with us. We greatly

01:14:30.340 appreciate it and it helps. And I feel fair speaking for Ryan when I say this, what the way you guys show

01:14:37.700 up helps us show up even stronger as well. Um, whether it's with the, with the events that we

01:14:43.720 put on or, or whether it's, you know, on the socials or, or here on the podcast. So it is greatly

01:14:49.100 appreciated and we appreciate you guys, um, you know, joining us. So until we'll see until a Friday

01:14:56.920 field notes, take action and become the men you were meant to be. Thank you for listening to the

01:15:02.480 order of man podcast. You're ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant

01:15:07.520 to be. We invite you to join the order at order of man.com.

Order of Man - March 30, 2022

Building Confidence in Social Settings, Discovering Your Why, and Dealing with Doubt ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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