Order of Man - May 28, 2025


Casting Vision, Revisiting the Past, and Accepting Responsibility ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING


Episode Stats

Length

51 minutes

Words per Minute

174.29

Word Count

8,919

Sentence Count

544

Misogynist Sentences

6

Hate Speech Sentences

8


Summary

On this episode of the Order of Man Podcast, we discuss Memorial Day and the benefits of spending the day in honor of those who have given their all to ensure we can live a life of freedom, liberty, and happiness.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 So don't get so wrapped up in, I got to have this perfect vision and it's got to be compelling
00:00:04.900 and it's got to be good and it's got to be like that, guys.
00:00:07.040 And I got to, no, just do the best you can and start driving.
00:00:11.800 And then in a month after you've been doing all of this work, you can go back to your
00:00:16.040 vision statement and say, oh, you know what?
00:00:18.580 I have new information.
00:00:20.400 Let me redraft this vision because there's things that came up.
00:00:24.620 There's relationships that I had.
00:00:26.440 There's conversations I enjoyed.
00:00:28.220 There's opportunities that presented themselves.
00:00:31.000 And now I have to cast a new vision.
00:00:33.360 So it's a, it's a dynamic thing.
00:00:36.300 It's not a static thing.
00:00:38.740 You're a man of action.
00:00:40.260 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.
00:00:44.700 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.
00:00:48.160 Every time you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.
00:00:54.180 This is your life.
00:00:55.380 This is who you are.
00:00:56.520 This is who you will become at the end of the day.
00:00:59.540 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.
00:01:03.520 So gentlemen, as you know, I usually do this podcast with my good friend and co-host Kip
00:01:09.500 Sorensen.
00:01:10.200 He may be joining us a little bit late, just getting into the week after a good Memorial
00:01:16.040 Day weekend.
00:01:17.360 I hope you guys had a good one as well.
00:01:20.160 It is interesting when I hear people say things like happy Memorial Day.
00:01:24.720 And you know, it's, it's, it's, it is, it's interesting because it is supposed to be a
00:01:29.500 happy day for sure.
00:01:31.000 And we have been afforded so many incredible blessings from the men and women who have given
00:01:37.100 their lives to ensure that we can pursue liberty and happiness and have the freedoms that we
00:01:42.460 enjoy.
00:01:42.840 So I don't feel bad about enjoying my day on Memorial Day.
00:01:47.700 Sometimes I hear people who will really play the guilt card quite heavily and, and, you
00:01:53.300 know, tell you that maybe you're not supposed to enjoy it or that it's, it's, you shouldn't
00:01:59.000 be as happy or excited or thrilled, or it shouldn't be the start of summer.
00:02:03.440 And I don't, I don't really agree with that.
00:02:05.460 I think the men and women who have died to give us those freedoms would probably want
00:02:10.900 us to enjoy the days like that.
00:02:13.200 But that being said, I think it's also important that we do remember the reason for Memorial
00:02:19.200 Day and the purpose behind it.
00:02:21.840 And in between or in the midst of the beer and the barbecue and the lake and the grilling
00:02:26.980 and the enjoyment with family and friends that you remember that somebody else died.
00:02:32.120 Many people died for you to have that luxury.
00:02:34.940 I cannot imagine living in another country.
00:02:39.760 And I feel like we have so many blessings, but unfortunately we often forget the source
00:02:46.060 of those blessings, which is from God directly.
00:02:48.620 And then of course, on the backs and hands and blood of those men and women who have given
00:02:53.260 their all.
00:02:53.900 So I hope you enjoyed the weekend.
00:02:55.740 I did, did some hiking and had a really good time.
00:02:58.820 And now we're back to it.
00:03:00.400 So I'm going to jump into the podcast and hopefully when Kip is able to make it, he'll
00:03:04.920 jump onto and we'll give him a hard time for being late.
00:03:07.680 And then we'll, uh, we'll drive on.
00:03:09.680 So today is your ask me anything.
00:03:11.160 I'm going to answer some questions primarily from, we, we fielded questions from a lot of
00:03:16.880 different places today from our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council, which you can
00:03:21.480 find at order of man.com slash iron council.
00:03:24.140 Uh, then we'll probably jump over to Instagram.
00:03:26.820 And then if we have time, we'll jump over to, um, our Facebook group.
00:03:30.660 So let's get to question number one.
00:03:33.160 So this one comes from a long time member of the iron council.
00:03:35.820 And this is Promet ball.
00:03:36.980 He says he wants to know tips and strategies on staying focused on gym and jujitsu with
00:03:43.380 it getting nicer outside.
00:03:44.520 And then there's some context.
00:03:45.800 He said he often finds himself doing more outdoor activities in the summer or as it should
00:03:51.460 be, but it also comes at the cost of gym and jujitsu.
00:03:54.200 Uh, they just don't feel as interesting when it's warmer.
00:03:56.680 And also the summer outdoor activities don't seem to make up for the intensity that I'm
00:04:00.580 seemingly giving up.
00:04:01.880 So how do you both stay engaged when the sun is shining right outside specifically true
00:04:07.580 for people living in colder areas?
00:04:09.040 He's in Wisconsin.
00:04:10.020 Well, I can definitely attest for this when I was living in Maine, um, obviously very,
00:04:15.000 very cold during the winter.
00:04:16.160 And so going inside in the gym, uh, or training jujitsu was very easy, but during those summer
00:04:22.380 months, I wanted to be at the lake.
00:04:23.840 I wanted to enjoy the outdoors.
00:04:25.540 I wanted to be hiking.
00:04:27.260 And what I would say is you should do that because the benefits of being outside and the
00:04:33.740 vitamin D and all of the great and wonderful things that come from being in nature and the
00:04:38.400 peace and solace and excitement and wonder and curiosity and exploring the outdoors.
00:04:44.860 I think can't really be matched by a lot of other things.
00:04:48.780 So I try not to, and maybe this is my older age as I get a little older speaking up so rigid
00:04:56.100 in my training program that I can't be flexible as things arise.
00:05:01.180 Um, that's not to say that I won't train at the gym.
00:05:03.520 I go to the gym just about every day, four to five days a week.
00:05:08.400 And, um, yeah, I go early in the morning, usually when it's still a little bit dark outside.
00:05:14.080 Um, the kids are all in bed and I can go take advantage of that, uh, in the afternoon or
00:05:19.740 maybe in the early evening, I'll go for a walk, um, or I'll go for a run.
00:05:24.500 I'm doing some training, some running training right now.
00:05:26.680 So I'll go for a run, uh, when it's cooled off a little bit.
00:05:29.860 And then outside of that, my weekends are spent, um, hiking the last, I think two or three
00:05:34.100 weekends.
00:05:34.520 Uh, I've been on hikes and been outdoors and I've enjoyed that as well.
00:05:39.180 So I think just be more flexible in, in your schedule.
00:05:42.840 And I know that maybe the intensity changes, but you can always do a workout outside.
00:05:49.000 You can go for a run and put a weighted vest on.
00:05:52.000 You can go to the park and do a park workout.
00:05:54.900 Um, you can get some buddies together and go, uh, do, do some park training.
00:05:59.100 You could even jump on Amazon if you wanted to and buy some, buy some mats off Amazon and
00:06:05.460 get a buddy or two together and pull them out of the garage and train outdoors, you know,
00:06:10.360 and that's, that's a possibility as well.
00:06:12.020 So there are a lot of workarounds, but what I would say is just don't be too rigid in your
00:06:16.660 training that you don't get to enjoy life.
00:06:19.740 Um, I think life is meant to be enjoyed.
00:06:22.840 It's meant to have purpose and direction and clarity to it, but I also think it's meant
00:06:27.240 to be enjoyed and I think Kip might say, we'll train anyways, but there's gotta be some room
00:06:33.180 for other desires, ambitions, and hobbies that you have as well.
00:06:39.020 This one comes from Jeremy Coffey.
00:06:40.680 He says, any tips on achieving balance between being intense and driven with being present
00:06:46.740 and joyful with your family?
00:06:49.220 Well, Jeremy, the first thing I'd say is this misnomer a bit of, of balance.
00:06:53.860 I don't like that term because I think when people use that term, what they're suggesting
00:07:01.700 is that there's this perfect place.
00:07:04.380 You know, if, if, if intensity and drive were on one end of the spectrum and being present
00:07:11.360 and joyful were on the other, then you have to find that line where you should just operate.
00:07:17.720 And, and I don't think that's the case.
00:07:19.340 And even if you did find that line, it will change this afternoon, right?
00:07:23.440 One of your kids will break their arm, heaven forbid, or, uh, you'll have a deadline at work
00:07:29.520 that you need to do and take care of.
00:07:31.700 And so things come up throughout the day that are constantly changing.
00:07:35.280 So I don't look at balance as this place where we arrive.
00:07:39.500 I look at it as a verb, balancing and balancing.
00:07:43.400 If you're on a, uh, skateboard or, uh, my, my kids and I ride around on our one wheel every
00:07:49.200 once in a while, it's, it's thousands of little micro adjustments along the way to react to
00:07:56.300 where I want to go, uh, to react to the dips and turns in the road, to react to a rock or
00:08:02.400 a bump that I might have to deal with or move out of the way of a car or whatever.
00:08:06.720 Um, so I'm constantly making adjustments and that to me is balancing.
00:08:11.380 Now, that being said, you're also painting a bit of a false dichotomy.
00:08:14.500 You're saying essentially that I can either be intense and driven or I can be present and
00:08:19.820 joyful.
00:08:20.180 And my question is, why can't you be both?
00:08:23.160 Why can't you be intense towards the things that you want to achieve?
00:08:27.180 And why can't you be driven towards those things and also be present in the moment and
00:08:31.940 still find joy and happiness in your life and, and, um, fulfillment.
00:08:37.820 Now, what I think you might be alluding to is that it's easier for men.
00:08:43.460 I think generally to be more intense and driven at work than it is to be at home.
00:08:50.240 At least I feel that way.
00:08:51.800 And sometimes when I get home and my kids are there and we're doing things, it's like,
00:08:57.640 I want to be out performing and I want to be out achieving and I have ambitions and I
00:09:02.120 want to make money and I want to grow my business and all of that is, is noble.
00:09:06.500 But what's been helpful for me is taking the same type of intensity and drive purpose and
00:09:11.700 clarity in my professional life and moving that over into my personal life.
00:09:16.540 So I can be just as driven at home to create really great relationships with my kids.
00:09:23.300 Um, I can be just as, uh, intense towards my objectives at work as I can be at home when
00:09:31.860 I'm trying to build those relationships or trying to build new hobbies or trying to run
00:09:37.860 a successful household.
00:09:40.280 I think what you need to do and what most men need to do is to define what that actually
00:09:44.620 looks like.
00:09:45.200 So most guys who are fathers and husbands will say, I would like to be a better father
00:09:50.380 and husband, and that's good.
00:09:52.440 But you don't really know what that means.
00:09:55.220 See, if I said, I want, I want to be a better entrepreneur.
00:09:59.280 Well, essentially that means I want more clients and I want to make more money and I want to
00:10:02.540 help more people.
00:10:03.520 It's very tangible.
00:10:05.740 Or I want to be more successful financially.
00:10:07.880 Look at your bank account.
00:10:09.660 Or do you have more money in your bank account than you did yesterday?
00:10:12.080 Okay.
00:10:12.280 Then you're on the right track.
00:10:13.500 But how do you measure being a better father?
00:10:16.520 You have to decide that for yourself.
00:10:18.920 Is it time and attention with your kids?
00:10:21.100 Is it building something or engaged in a new hobby?
00:10:24.100 Is it coaching your kids' sports teams?
00:10:27.000 Is it working out with them?
00:10:29.820 Is it reading them books?
00:10:31.180 Is it teaching them like education and schooling?
00:10:34.440 It could be different for everybody.
00:10:36.720 But unless and until you've defined what it is, you're always going to feel like you're
00:10:41.220 unproductive at home.
00:10:44.000 And you shouldn't feel that way.
00:10:45.380 You should feel productive.
00:10:47.600 So start defining what exactly you want to be doing at home.
00:10:52.420 And don't look at it as you relaxing or you wasting time.
00:10:57.420 Start taking some of that intensity and drive that you bring to your professional career
00:11:01.680 and infuse it into your personal life.
00:11:04.260 And I think for men, you are going to find more presence in that and more joy.
00:11:08.920 I don't equate joy with sitting around doing nothing, watching cartoons with my kids.
00:11:13.720 Now, sometimes we need that.
00:11:16.280 And we'll all watch a movie together or play a game together.
00:11:19.280 My youngest son loves Lego.
00:11:21.100 I do too.
00:11:21.880 So that works out.
00:11:22.600 But sometimes I don't want to do that.
00:11:24.240 But he wants to.
00:11:25.120 And so I make that sacrifice or investment of my time in him.
00:11:29.560 But that doesn't mean that you just need to sit around and do nothing.
00:11:32.920 You still are being productive.
00:11:34.760 You just need to define what it is.
00:11:36.960 And some people might even make the case, and I think this is probably more of a feminine
00:11:40.740 approach, is that, well, you should.
00:11:43.980 You don't have to worry about being productive.
00:11:45.820 You should just be present and enjoy it.
00:11:47.560 And that's not really how men engage, especially intense men.
00:11:52.860 So you don't have to fit into that mold.
00:11:55.580 You can be intense within reason and appropriately and still find the joy and satisfaction in leading
00:12:03.020 your family well.
00:12:04.300 I hope that helps.
00:12:06.160 Elijah Elliott, he says, in regards to helping others, where should a man draw the line between
00:12:12.460 accepting responsibility and enabling, especially when it comes to family?
00:12:19.320 Well, enabling is never good.
00:12:22.560 There's no line between teaching your family how to accept responsibility and enabling them.
00:12:29.640 Now, so I just want to, that might be a semantical argument, but I really want to make sure that
00:12:34.940 it's clear that anytime you're enabling your children, for example, to behave a certain way,
00:12:39.960 that's not an appropriate thing.
00:12:42.240 Enabling is not a positive thing ever.
00:12:44.740 Now, there may be times where you would need to step in, and I would say the line there is
00:12:50.860 when your children are in danger or, you know, they're going to hurt themselves or cause harm
00:12:58.180 to somebody else, or maybe they just can't handle what they're currently dealing with.
00:13:04.280 You know, if maybe they've had, one of your children has had a hard day at school and
00:13:10.140 they got picked on or bullied or whatever, whatever it might be, and you decide that that's
00:13:18.320 a day that you need to get after them about being better of cleaning their room and helping
00:13:23.840 with responsibilities around the house.
00:13:25.920 Well, if they're having a horrible day and it's, and it's just been completely difficult,
00:13:32.900 that's not to say they don't have to manage their responsibilities, but I think we can
00:13:36.580 show a little bit of empathy and see that, okay, maybe the way I'm delivering this needs
00:13:42.380 to be done differently.
00:13:43.900 And I think that's what you need to do.
00:13:46.660 So I would never not allow the people that I love to take responsibility for the things that
00:13:53.700 need to be done around the house or the way they show up with the rest of the family.
00:13:58.340 But if they're in danger or somebody else is in danger, well, that would be a moment to step
00:14:03.360 in.
00:14:04.240 But outside of that, always, always help them accept responsibility, clearly communicate
00:14:10.200 what the expectations and the standards are, and uphold those boundaries and administer
00:14:18.720 consequences and discipline as required.
00:14:22.220 So I hope that helps.
00:14:24.840 All right, guys, let's jump over to Instagram.
00:14:27.680 So this one comes from New Life Farm Glamping.
00:14:30.720 This is Corey.
00:14:31.400 He's been a good friend for a while.
00:14:33.260 And he says, after the divorce, I understand, excuse me, after a divorce, I understand the
00:14:39.100 value of healing and rebuilding yourself.
00:14:42.000 I've even heard the prior suggested before your attempt to get into another committed relationship.
00:14:47.540 Do you believe it's necessary to have yourself all figured out and your life back in order
00:14:52.480 before getting into a relationship?
00:14:54.500 Or is there room to bring someone else into your life at any point and continue the process
00:14:59.260 of healing, growing, and rebuilding together?
00:15:01.540 I think this is a great question.
00:15:03.160 And it's one that I think a lot of men get wrong.
00:15:05.220 Even when I went through my divorce and I started dating again, I tend to be a little bit more
00:15:10.780 public-facing because of the position I'm here in with Order of Man.
00:15:15.440 And I can't tell you the amount of messages that I got from other people that said just
00:15:19.560 that, oh, you should heal yourself, fix yourself, repair yourself.
00:15:22.940 You shouldn't get back into dating.
00:15:24.560 I heard that all the time.
00:15:26.160 The reality is, is that anytime somebody says it's too soon for you to start dating is just
00:15:31.060 picking an arbitrary number they know nothing about.
00:15:33.580 So if you jump right back into the dating scene after two, three, four weeks, or a month or
00:15:39.300 a couple of months, and people think it's too early, they don't really have any relevance
00:15:44.280 in your life because they don't know what you're experiencing and going through.
00:15:48.380 It's almost like asking, you know, what arbitrary number of days or months or years should I consult
00:15:56.400 with you on when it's appropriate for me to date?
00:15:59.320 And I don't think that anybody has the final answer or say on that, except for yourself.
00:16:06.280 Now, in the spirit of the question that you're asking, yeah, I do believe that you should
00:16:11.780 continue to work on yourself.
00:16:13.160 And I do believe that there's a lot of work that you can do on your own.
00:16:17.160 But I don't think it's exclusive to being single.
00:16:21.220 And I don't think that, I actually don't believe that you can fully heal yourself on your own.
00:16:28.300 In fact, I think that's impossible.
00:16:30.360 Because if you could do that on your own, fully heal, quote unquote, heal yourself or fix yourself
00:16:36.040 or whatever terminology you want to use, then it's likely you would have already done it.
00:16:42.380 Because you're already doing the things that you know how to do.
00:16:44.800 The beauty of a relationship, whether it's a friendship or even a romantic relationship,
00:16:49.740 is that the idea is that you get into a relationship with somebody who challenges you in a healthy,
00:16:56.520 positive, and constructive way.
00:16:58.200 Sure, they align with your vision, similar goals and desires, even similar pursuits, interests,
00:17:04.520 and activities.
00:17:06.020 But if they don't challenge you in some way, what would be the point of being in a relationship?
00:17:11.800 And so I don't actually think that you can fully, again, quote unquote, heal yourself
00:17:17.660 until you actually start getting into relationships again.
00:17:22.620 That's been my opinion.
00:17:24.280 And that's been my experience.
00:17:26.340 Now, you do have to ask yourself why you might be getting into a romantic relationship.
00:17:31.920 Because I've seen plenty of men, and I've talked with a lot of men about this,
00:17:36.020 who are getting into relationships very quickly to fill a void or a gap or an emptiness in who they are.
00:17:45.400 And I think that could become a problem.
00:17:48.940 It becomes a problem because you, if that's what you're trying to do,
00:17:53.660 and feel validated maybe even, especially after a divorce and failed relationship,
00:17:57.640 if you are looking for that from somebody else,
00:18:02.180 not only are you going to be waiting a very long time
00:18:05.580 because nobody gives you exactly what you want all the time,
00:18:08.660 even the best relationships you have,
00:18:11.000 but it's also going to cause you to overlook red flags.
00:18:18.280 And I've talked with a lot of men who have gotten into quick relationships
00:18:22.300 after a breakup or a divorce or a separation or whatever.
00:18:26.500 And they end up getting into a relationship.
00:18:28.320 They end up potentially getting married
00:18:30.300 and creating a lifelong partnership with this person.
00:18:33.600 And then two, three years down the road,
00:18:35.440 without any corrected behavior on their part or a new way of looking at things,
00:18:39.580 they find themselves in a toxic relationship
00:18:42.840 with a woman that is not aligned with their values,
00:18:46.800 with a woman who isn't compatible with them.
00:18:53.400 And it creates a lot of hardship for both the man and the woman.
00:18:57.960 And they could have known better if only they got into a relationship
00:19:02.000 because they felt like they were in a good place to love,
00:19:05.120 to lead, to serve, to be served.
00:19:08.940 And they learned lessons from their previous relationships
00:19:12.600 that helped them be better in these relationships.
00:19:15.080 And if that's why you're dating and getting back into the dating space,
00:19:20.220 then you are more likely to acknowledge the red flags that pop up.
00:19:26.460 Oh, good to see Kip here.
00:19:27.780 Kip finally joined us.
00:19:29.160 So glad to have Kip here, 28 minutes late.
00:19:33.800 I'm just talking about some red flags real quick,
00:19:36.340 real quick, and then I'll give,
00:19:37.500 I'll let you have your minute for excuses on this one.
00:19:40.560 What I was saying is that if a man gets back into dating too quickly
00:19:45.620 after a divorce or for the wrong reasons,
00:19:47.600 he's likely to overlook red flags
00:19:50.200 because he's trying to fill a void or a gap in his life
00:19:54.740 with another woman without the awareness and ability
00:19:59.920 to bring something new to his new relationship.
00:20:03.980 So, Corey, that was a great question.
00:20:08.620 Kip, if you care, you can go back and catch the replay on that
00:20:11.840 since you're 28 minutes late.
00:20:14.040 Would you say he overlooks your own red flags as well?
00:20:18.300 Like maybe even the red flags in the women,
00:20:20.440 but like what were your red flags from the previous relationship as well?
00:20:24.820 Oh, that's a, I didn't think about that,
00:20:26.520 but I actually think that's a really good point
00:20:28.460 because he was asking if you need to fully work on yourself
00:20:34.600 and heal yourself before you date again.
00:20:36.720 And I said, I said, no.
00:20:39.480 And I said, you can't, because you can't,
00:20:41.480 I don't think you can fully quote unquote heal yourself
00:20:44.200 if you're not in a relationship.
00:20:47.200 It's the reps that you need.
00:20:49.360 Not only the reps, it's the challenge of a relationship.
00:20:52.960 Yeah.
00:20:53.200 Like, I can do a lot of inner work.
00:20:56.460 I can journal, I can reflect,
00:20:58.880 I can take responsibility for a previous relationship
00:21:01.780 to the degree that I'm responsible for it.
00:21:04.920 But at some point, you need a woman in your life
00:21:09.120 to be able to challenge you, teach you new things,
00:21:14.020 expose some weaknesses and vulnerabilities in you,
00:21:17.620 but a woman who can do it in a very constructive
00:21:20.220 and healthy and positive way.
00:21:21.760 You can't get that by isolating and operating in solitude
00:21:25.900 for the rest of your life
00:21:26.820 because you're quote unquote not ready.
00:21:30.400 Got it, got it.
00:21:32.200 Well, and it's like how many other elements of life
00:21:34.420 that we talk about this?
00:21:35.360 It's like, oh, you know, I wanna get in physical shape.
00:21:40.220 How do you learn how to do that?
00:21:42.960 You start working out, right?
00:21:44.020 There's no other way to learn it
00:21:45.300 other than in the process of actually doing it, so.
00:21:48.160 Well, and that actually brings up a good point too
00:21:50.160 is I think too many men will often jump into a relationship
00:21:53.620 with the expectation of, I've gotta find the one.
00:21:58.320 And if you're trying to fit a square peg
00:22:01.020 into a round hole, eventually you'll make it fit,
00:22:04.440 but you'll end up breaking something along the way, right?
00:22:08.540 Right, so you don't need, if you don't feel like
00:22:13.620 I have to find the next woman, I have to get married,
00:22:16.500 I have to be in a relationship, then you can say,
00:22:18.880 oh, that's a square peg and that's a round hole
00:22:20.900 and that doesn't work.
00:22:23.300 And you can move on to a potentially better relationship
00:22:26.820 that fits a little, a lot better
00:22:29.100 because you're both in a different space,
00:22:32.280 mindset, compatibility and priorities.
00:22:34.420 Got it.
00:22:37.080 All right, well, let's go to the next question.
00:22:38.640 So this one comes from Simone Tony Four.
00:22:41.580 This is over on Instagram Kip.
00:22:43.740 And it says, how did you find your identity
00:22:46.680 or what was the most you realized,
00:22:49.640 what was the moment you realized, quote unquote, this is me?
00:22:53.400 I'm struggling to create a vision that feels right for me
00:22:56.200 and I think it's due to my undefined identity.
00:22:58.760 Thank you so much for all you do.
00:23:00.160 You've already changed my life.
00:23:01.340 I saw this question a little earlier and I want to give it,
00:23:06.340 I hope this is an interesting perspective.
00:23:09.100 I don't think I've found my identity.
00:23:13.460 And what I mean by that is my identity
00:23:17.560 is going to constantly shift.
00:23:19.240 Who I am right now as a result of the questions being asked
00:23:22.140 or the result of the conversation we had
00:23:24.280 or the result of the weekend that I had
00:23:26.860 or the result of a book that I read will change my identity.
00:23:31.340 And that's a good thing.
00:23:33.340 So I actually choose to look at it and say,
00:23:35.760 I'm comfortable with where I am
00:23:38.800 because the integrity gap,
00:23:40.720 the gap between what I want and what I'm doing
00:23:44.060 continues to lessen and I'm bridging that gap.
00:23:46.980 So I'm really comfortable in my life
00:23:48.560 with where I am right now,
00:23:50.480 but I'm also open and receptive
00:23:52.980 to being somebody new tomorrow
00:23:55.340 if it serves me and the people that I love.
00:23:57.680 So if I have a really powerful conversation with somebody
00:24:01.420 and it causes me to reflect
00:24:03.440 or question my own beliefs as of today,
00:24:06.300 I'm happy to embrace at least the idea
00:24:10.160 that maybe they're right
00:24:11.840 and it's something I don't know
00:24:13.300 and that makes me a new man.
00:24:15.420 Every conversation, every relationship,
00:24:18.880 every experience,
00:24:21.180 every factor of life makes you somebody new.
00:24:24.420 And so maybe stop chasing around like,
00:24:27.420 oh, I need to find my identity
00:24:28.640 and start bridging the integrity gap
00:24:31.440 knowing that that will develop and manifest over time
00:24:34.940 and be open to the idea that you'll be somebody new.
00:24:37.760 If you're struggling to create a vision,
00:24:40.020 I think without having any context here,
00:24:43.300 what's happening is that you think
00:24:45.620 it should be a certain way
00:24:47.620 and it's not good enough for you right now.
00:24:50.580 And I think that's a problem.
00:24:52.980 You can only see as far as you can see.
00:24:55.740 You know, if I'm driving down the road
00:24:57.100 in the middle of the night,
00:24:58.260 I've got my headlights
00:24:59.380 and they only go out so far.
00:25:01.940 If I'm in a new area,
00:25:03.420 I can't see beyond what my headlights are going to show me
00:25:06.600 and I have no idea what's on the other side.
00:25:08.680 What it takes is casting the headlight
00:25:11.040 as far as it can go
00:25:12.220 and still be effective,
00:25:14.320 making sure I'm going in the right direction
00:25:16.840 and staying on the road.
00:25:17.860 And then as soon as I progress
00:25:21.160 and drive down that road,
00:25:22.640 my headlights go out further and further and further
00:25:25.160 and then I pivot and adjust.
00:25:26.760 So don't get so wrapped up in,
00:25:29.120 I got to have this perfect vision
00:25:30.800 and it's got to be compelling
00:25:31.740 and it's got to be good
00:25:32.640 and it's got to be like that, guys.
00:25:33.900 And I got to, no,
00:25:35.240 just do the best you can and start driving.
00:25:38.680 And then in a month,
00:25:39.760 after you've been doing all of this work,
00:25:41.740 you can go back to your vision statement and say,
00:25:43.820 oh, you know what?
00:25:45.420 I have new information.
00:25:46.260 Let me redraft this vision
00:25:48.920 because there's things that came up.
00:25:51.480 There's relationships that I had.
00:25:53.320 There's conversations I enjoyed.
00:25:55.440 There's opportunities that presented themselves
00:25:57.600 and now I have to cast a new vision.
00:26:00.300 So it's a dynamic thing.
00:26:03.140 It's not a static thing.
00:26:05.720 Yeah.
00:26:06.800 Why do you think he's asking that?
00:26:08.960 What's the root cause of that question?
00:26:12.280 Like it really,
00:26:13.760 I find it really interesting.
00:26:15.500 Like what's the desire
00:26:16.960 to put pen to paper
00:26:19.980 and say I need to identify my identity
00:26:23.140 and I don't think it has to do with writing a vision.
00:26:25.780 It's insecurity.
00:26:28.040 He's, I think,
00:26:30.540 he's insecure
00:26:31.580 and I'm not trying to beat him up by any means here.
00:26:34.340 Like we've all been here.
00:26:35.220 But he's insecure with who he is.
00:26:37.440 He doesn't feel confident in who he is.
00:26:40.180 And so when things are presented-
00:26:42.500 You want to create something
00:26:43.480 and then try to live into it instead.
00:26:45.060 Right.
00:26:45.600 Because if I have,
00:26:47.140 okay, so if I'm,
00:26:48.060 I don't know,
00:26:48.460 like I don't have like an instruction manual
00:26:50.360 to anything here,
00:26:51.140 but like here's a piece of paper.
00:26:52.800 It's a tax document.
00:26:53.600 So I'll go like this
00:26:54.260 because nobody needs to see it.
00:26:55.940 But there's instructions on here, right?
00:26:59.100 Like so I can follow the instructions.
00:27:02.420 That makes it easy.
00:27:04.540 But life doesn't have instructions.
00:27:07.460 And when we don't have instructions,
00:27:11.200 at least for me,
00:27:12.700 I try to,
00:27:13.500 I try to label things.
00:27:15.940 I try to create systems and tools
00:27:17.460 to make life easier to live.
00:27:19.020 And I actually don't think that that's wrong.
00:27:22.300 We should have systems that work for us.
00:27:24.680 But when we don't have any sort of system,
00:27:26.920 then we feel like we're always second guessing ourselves.
00:27:31.360 We feel like we're always behind the eight ball a little bit
00:27:34.000 and the next thing throws us off
00:27:36.620 and we can't be decisive in our actions
00:27:38.840 because we don't have anything to align with our vision.
00:27:41.180 Or maybe we focus hyper or heavily on past wrong decisions
00:27:46.960 instead of good decisions that you've made in the past.
00:27:49.440 And we don't have a litmus test
00:27:50.760 for the way we should be making decisions.
00:27:53.500 So I don't think it's wrong,
00:27:54.620 but to me,
00:27:55.600 it represents insecurity.
00:27:57.320 And it might be,
00:27:58.160 again,
00:27:58.380 that integrity gap of,
00:28:00.600 I know I want to be something.
00:28:02.340 I know I'm not something.
00:28:05.480 So that feels really disheartening.
00:28:07.920 And I've been there.
00:28:09.620 So cast the vision as best you can
00:28:11.360 and start working towards that,
00:28:12.900 bridging the integrity gap.
00:28:14.080 And bridging the integrity gap
00:28:15.540 is what shores up the insecurities.
00:28:18.480 Well,
00:28:19.100 and a little bit of in between the lines, right,
00:28:22.380 that I'm picking up from you, Ryan,
00:28:23.820 and maybe this is just my interpretation
00:28:25.580 around the question,
00:28:28.240 is you can only be where you are.
00:28:31.660 Based upon your current state
00:28:36.980 of understanding and comprehension.
00:28:39.300 Yeah.
00:28:39.960 So you can,
00:28:43.120 you know,
00:28:43.880 there's ultimate vision and identity.
00:28:45.940 Yeah,
00:28:46.120 but guess what?
00:28:47.000 Like,
00:28:47.300 you may not be there yet.
00:28:48.960 So where are you today?
00:28:51.900 What's the best version of you right now?
00:28:56.060 And,
00:28:56.620 and be that.
00:28:58.720 You know what?
00:28:59.740 I mean,
00:29:00.100 and it's sometimes,
00:29:01.300 because I think if I,
00:29:02.300 if I plant this canvas of this identity
00:29:06.200 and so far removed from who I am,
00:29:08.360 Ryan,
00:29:08.680 then
00:29:09.180 I can't even get there.
00:29:12.060 I can't relate to it.
00:29:13.380 It's not real.
00:29:14.820 And then what am I doing today?
00:29:16.900 And in between now and then,
00:29:19.760 kicking myself in the ass over and over
00:29:21.540 about never being good enough about it,
00:29:23.600 right?
00:29:23.920 Versus like,
00:29:24.680 what do I have today?
00:29:25.600 What is within my lap today?
00:29:27.780 And to your point,
00:29:29.180 am I living in integrity right now
00:29:31.860 with the man that I am right now?
00:29:34.200 Knowing that there's a better version,
00:29:36.820 you know?
00:29:37.720 And,
00:29:38.160 you know,
00:29:38.840 and,
00:29:39.100 and to your point,
00:29:39.920 just to reiterate it,
00:29:41.540 because I think it's really important is
00:29:43.340 you're not the same person you were a year ago.
00:29:47.260 Thank goodness.
00:29:48.640 And neither am I.
00:29:49.920 Yeah.
00:29:50.700 So
00:29:51.140 this isn't something,
00:29:53.320 it's something that's evolving and creating,
00:29:55.160 not something that gets casted in,
00:29:57.400 you know,
00:29:57.800 someday.
00:29:58.480 Right.
00:29:59.220 Well,
00:29:59.520 there's a great quote and it's,
00:30:01.220 no man steps in the same river twice for
00:30:03.080 he is not the same man and it is not the same river.
00:30:06.060 Like,
00:30:07.200 everything is constantly changing all around us
00:30:09.780 and you are a different person to your point today
00:30:11.940 than you were yesterday.
00:30:13.200 You know what this also does,
00:30:14.380 this way of thinking of you
00:30:15.800 be present with where you are and do what you can?
00:30:19.180 There's another quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says,
00:30:21.780 do what you can with what you have where you are.
00:30:24.700 Hmm.
00:30:26.000 Yeah.
00:30:26.580 That's all you can do.
00:30:29.660 And
00:30:30.060 what it,
00:30:31.760 literally,
00:30:32.280 you have no other choice.
00:30:33.220 There's no other choice.
00:30:34.160 Do something with it
00:30:35.260 or don't do something with it.
00:30:36.560 But either way,
00:30:37.280 you are where you are.
00:30:38.380 And in the meantime,
00:30:39.340 figure out what you need to know
00:30:40.540 to be better tomorrow.
00:30:42.400 But
00:30:42.800 there's something else that this does
00:30:44.860 and I'm learning this
00:30:45.760 slowly
00:30:46.260 and painfully in some ways.
00:30:49.320 When you have this mentality of,
00:30:51.200 hey,
00:30:51.380 I'm,
00:30:51.780 I'm making the most of the moment I'm in
00:30:54.660 with the tools and resources,
00:30:56.200 knowledge,
00:30:56.480 information I have.
00:30:58.180 If that's the case,
00:30:59.360 then what that means
00:31:00.340 is that
00:31:00.940 when you are a different man,
00:31:02.160 maybe a lesser version of the man
00:31:03.600 that you are today,
00:31:04.480 you are doing the same thing.
00:31:07.780 But what you,
00:31:08.660 what you're doing with,
00:31:09.620 okay,
00:31:09.800 so I'll give you a very specific example.
00:31:12.140 When I was in the throes of my drinking,
00:31:14.120 I was doing
00:31:15.460 what I could have been doing in that moment.
00:31:18.720 That's all I could do.
00:31:21.520 Now,
00:31:21.960 that doesn't excuse poor behavior
00:31:23.660 because
00:31:25.100 even my poor behavior
00:31:26.700 were learned lessons
00:31:28.080 that I
00:31:29.500 applied in my life
00:31:30.940 in a very
00:31:31.980 destructive way
00:31:34.220 to me and people around me.
00:31:36.500 But that's literally
00:31:37.640 all I can do.
00:31:38.920 Now,
00:31:39.340 when I go back,
00:31:40.220 I'm not looking at it
00:31:41.360 from the position I was
00:31:42.480 three years ago.
00:31:44.000 I'm looking back
00:31:45.240 on it
00:31:45.840 with the knowledge
00:31:46.900 I have
00:31:47.540 three years
00:31:48.460 in the future.
00:31:50.160 So looking back,
00:31:51.300 I can say,
00:31:51.840 you know what,
00:31:52.160 I was a total dick.
00:31:54.540 And
00:31:54.940 I was not being
00:31:56.800 what I could have been
00:31:57.920 and who I could have been.
00:31:59.180 And
00:31:59.580 that's not accurate.
00:32:02.980 It feels like it's accurate
00:32:04.320 because you're dealing
00:32:04.940 in your current reality,
00:32:06.140 but you were
00:32:06.700 what you could have been then.
00:32:08.260 And really,
00:32:08.920 the only thing
00:32:09.580 you can change now is
00:32:10.640 what did I need to learn
00:32:12.940 in order to be
00:32:15.240 something different today?
00:32:16.680 But I cannot go back
00:32:17.860 and revisit the past
00:32:18.820 and say,
00:32:19.280 oh man,
00:32:20.880 you know,
00:32:21.180 if only I.
00:32:22.340 It doesn't matter.
00:32:24.840 It's done.
00:32:26.820 This is the power
00:32:28.020 of letting go.
00:32:30.980 It is what it is.
00:32:33.380 You know,
00:32:34.000 and it doesn't serve you any,
00:32:35.440 it doesn't serve anybody
00:32:36.460 for us to look back
00:32:37.600 at our past.
00:32:38.100 Oh,
00:32:38.400 I should have,
00:32:39.120 I shouldn't have,
00:32:39.900 or I should have done.
00:32:41.600 But you didn't.
00:32:42.940 Right.
00:32:43.620 Or you did exactly
00:32:44.480 what you did.
00:32:45.640 So let go of what you think
00:32:48.020 should have been
00:32:49.360 or what you should have done
00:32:50.840 because you did what you did.
00:32:54.140 And,
00:32:54.620 and this is the power
00:32:56.320 of presence,
00:32:56.900 right?
00:32:57.200 Because ultimately,
00:32:58.180 it's like,
00:32:58.860 okay,
00:32:59.060 great,
00:32:59.340 I can look at it.
00:33:01.320 But what do I do with it
00:33:02.720 right now
00:33:03.400 where I am
00:33:04.200 is ultimately
00:33:05.840 all that matters
00:33:06.600 because it doesn't ever
00:33:07.420 serve you to go back
00:33:08.380 and go,
00:33:08.920 oh,
00:33:08.940 I should have.
00:33:09.680 Or this is why
00:33:10.640 we both get sideways
00:33:11.940 when we get people like,
00:33:12.780 well,
00:33:12.900 what would you tell yourself
00:33:13.720 when you're,
00:33:14.180 you know,
00:33:14.820 14?
00:33:15.320 It's like,
00:33:15.840 I don't know.
00:33:16.760 I don't even like
00:33:17.500 that way of thinking.
00:33:18.440 I think it's a bad way
00:33:19.560 of thinking,
00:33:20.240 right?
00:33:20.540 Because I could get sideways.
00:33:21.840 I could waste the moment
00:33:24.380 going through all the shit
00:33:26.880 I should have never done.
00:33:30.300 Well,
00:33:30.840 does it serve me?
00:33:32.340 No.
00:33:33.080 I had this guy reach out
00:33:34.400 a couple of days ago
00:33:35.340 and I had posted something
00:33:36.820 and he's like,
00:33:37.300 oh man,
00:33:37.760 he messaged me back.
00:33:38.920 He's like,
00:33:39.140 this is so good.
00:33:40.380 Where,
00:33:40.840 where was this 10 years ago
00:33:42.100 when I needed it?
00:33:43.320 And I wrote him back
00:33:44.300 and I said,
00:33:44.840 would you have listened?
00:33:45.720 And he wrote me back.
00:33:48.320 He's like,
00:33:48.600 no,
00:33:49.020 probably not.
00:33:50.440 I'm like,
00:33:50.800 so it was actually
00:33:51.580 probably there
00:33:52.460 because I didn't create
00:33:53.780 whatever concept
00:33:54.660 I just shared with you.
00:33:55.720 You just didn't hear it
00:33:56.900 or didn't receive it
00:33:57.920 because of the position.
00:33:58.940 You weren't ready for it.
00:33:59.820 Right.
00:34:00.400 Yeah.
00:34:00.780 Yeah.
00:34:02.140 I like this idea
00:34:03.220 of letting go,
00:34:04.160 but you know,
00:34:04.580 there is one thing
00:34:05.340 I would say
00:34:05.840 and I was playing pickleball
00:34:09.740 with my,
00:34:10.580 with my,
00:34:11.080 two of my sons
00:34:11.920 and one of my oldest son's
00:34:13.240 friends over the weekend.
00:34:14.160 We played a ton of pickleball
00:34:15.420 and it's fun.
00:34:15.980 I love it.
00:34:17.120 And my oldest son's friend
00:34:19.760 is really,
00:34:20.880 he's athletic by nature,
00:34:22.420 but he's also really good
00:34:23.460 at pickleball.
00:34:24.680 And he kept doing this
00:34:25.760 like one specific move
00:34:27.320 and he kept getting me
00:34:28.600 like to go one way
00:34:29.420 and then hitting it
00:34:29.960 the other way.
00:34:30.920 And he did it
00:34:31.680 like three times in a row,
00:34:33.080 but you know how many times
00:34:34.000 he didn't do it?
00:34:34.780 Four times in a row
00:34:35.560 because I learned
00:34:37.460 and I adapted
00:34:39.300 and then it didn't work.
00:34:41.260 And then he needed
00:34:42.060 to figure something else out
00:34:43.240 and he tried different things
00:34:44.520 and some of it worked
00:34:45.300 and some of it didn't.
00:34:46.340 Jiu-jitsu is the same way.
00:34:48.200 You know,
00:34:48.600 you catch me in an arm bar
00:34:49.760 enough times the same way.
00:34:52.020 Like if you're hard headed,
00:34:53.700 it takes you longer
00:34:54.480 than somebody who's humble
00:34:55.480 and open to like feedback.
00:34:58.280 But at some point,
00:35:00.920 I'm going to know,
00:35:02.380 oh,
00:35:02.640 he's setting up an arm bar
00:35:04.140 because he's done it to me
00:35:05.220 a dozen times
00:35:06.300 in the past 10 minutes
00:35:07.560 and you're not going
00:35:08.920 to catch it anymore
00:35:09.600 and you are going
00:35:11.160 to have to evolve
00:35:11.860 because I did.
00:35:14.500 Yeah.
00:35:14.740 And I think that's the lesson
00:35:15.980 that we're extracting here
00:35:17.160 is that,
00:35:17.620 yeah,
00:35:17.720 don't go back
00:35:18.760 and revisit
00:35:19.360 because you want
00:35:21.100 to beat yourself up.
00:35:22.060 Just say,
00:35:22.480 oh,
00:35:22.580 you know what?
00:35:23.580 If I was presented
00:35:25.180 with that same set
00:35:26.940 of circumstances,
00:35:27.740 I'm going to respond
00:35:30.080 this way now
00:35:31.300 because that way hurt.
00:35:32.920 That was painful.
00:35:34.740 Yeah.
00:35:35.180 Let go of the judgment
00:35:36.660 of what should have been
00:35:38.360 and learn from what happened.
00:35:41.960 Right.
00:35:42.420 Yeah.
00:35:42.800 Yeah.
00:35:43.840 All right,
00:35:44.440 let's move to the next question.
00:35:45.520 This is CDLTN.
00:35:48.840 So C dot Dalton,
00:35:50.520 maybe,
00:35:50.740 I don't know.
00:35:51.920 What did you learn
00:35:53.000 about yourself
00:35:53.900 in your darkest moment
00:35:55.500 and how can we collectively
00:35:57.660 use this
00:35:58.740 to pull the next man up?
00:36:02.940 Yeah,
00:36:03.520 man,
00:36:04.080 there is so,
00:36:05.240 this kind of ties
00:36:06.080 into what we were just saying.
00:36:07.080 There's so much to learn.
00:36:08.980 For me,
00:36:10.020 I learned that I had
00:36:11.480 a lot of
00:36:12.180 unrecognized,
00:36:16.080 I'm hesitant
00:36:17.040 to use the word trauma.
00:36:18.200 I don't think everything
00:36:19.120 is as traumatic
00:36:19.800 as people like
00:36:20.880 to use that term in.
00:36:22.340 Yeah.
00:36:22.860 But I had a lot of
00:36:24.680 unrecognized
00:36:27.080 experiences,
00:36:29.760 I'll say experiences
00:36:30.600 in my life
00:36:31.300 that I healed
00:36:33.480 in an incorrect way.
00:36:35.420 Like,
00:36:35.920 for example,
00:36:36.440 if I were to break my leg
00:36:37.660 and not have it set properly,
00:36:40.260 it's always,
00:36:41.040 and it heals incorrectly,
00:36:42.900 it will still heal,
00:36:43.960 but it heals incorrectly,
00:36:45.180 it's always going to be
00:36:46.180 a weak point in my life.
00:36:48.580 Yeah.
00:36:49.260 If the bone isn't aligned
00:36:50.440 or isn't,
00:36:51.340 you know,
00:36:51.920 a plate's not put on a bone
00:36:53.660 to heal it,
00:36:54.140 it's always going to be
00:36:55.280 a weak point.
00:36:55.800 And I realized
00:36:58.120 that there's a lot
00:36:59.720 of things
00:37:00.380 that I do
00:37:01.220 to cope with that
00:37:03.240 without even realizing
00:37:05.180 what I was coping with.
00:37:07.620 Yeah,
00:37:07.800 I didn't even realize
00:37:08.400 the problems.
00:37:10.680 And so I became
00:37:11.660 very aware
00:37:12.460 of first
00:37:13.680 the problems
00:37:14.980 and where it came from
00:37:16.080 and the stories
00:37:16.780 around the experiences
00:37:17.820 that I had
00:37:18.500 and are those stories
00:37:19.980 serving me
00:37:20.540 or are they not?
00:37:21.200 And I'm still working
00:37:21.980 through those stories.
00:37:22.760 It's not like I fixed it
00:37:23.840 in a year or something.
00:37:26.020 And then I realized
00:37:27.520 that once you,
00:37:30.060 you might have to
00:37:31.020 break the bone again,
00:37:31.960 actually,
00:37:33.000 if you want,
00:37:33.620 if we're going to use
00:37:34.060 that analogy.
00:37:35.500 A doctor might go in
00:37:36.740 and say,
00:37:37.020 you know what,
00:37:37.340 we need to re-injure you.
00:37:39.220 We need to hurt you
00:37:40.360 in order to set this properly
00:37:42.920 so that moving forward,
00:37:44.400 you're in a much better place
00:37:45.580 with this leg.
00:37:46.620 And that's the same thing
00:37:47.960 about doing emotional work.
00:37:49.500 You're actually re-injuring yourself.
00:37:52.540 You're visiting painful experiences
00:37:54.560 and moments
00:37:55.600 and challenges
00:37:56.480 and emotionally trying times
00:37:59.060 so that you can get
00:38:00.860 to the root of it
00:38:01.760 and heal correctly.
00:38:03.400 And I feel like
00:38:04.420 when you do that,
00:38:05.520 you can cope more effectively.
00:38:07.320 Now,
00:38:07.560 I don't need to drink
00:38:08.700 in order to heal from things
00:38:11.120 I wasn't even aware
00:38:12.220 that were broken.
00:38:13.980 And instead,
00:38:15.500 I can consciously decide,
00:38:17.120 oh,
00:38:17.620 that's a story
00:38:18.640 I'm telling myself.
00:38:19.540 It's not entirely true.
00:38:20.800 It's not entirely helpful.
00:38:22.360 So I'm not going to listen
00:38:23.600 to that story.
00:38:24.240 I'm going to replace it
00:38:24.940 with a better,
00:38:25.500 more effective story.
00:38:27.040 And then even in those moments
00:38:28.560 of challenging times,
00:38:29.460 because I'm not saying
00:38:30.080 just knowing the stories
00:38:31.180 makes everything go away.
00:38:33.460 But now that I know
00:38:34.840 and I'm basing it in reality
00:38:36.660 or at least a healthier version
00:38:38.260 of fiction,
00:38:41.080 I can do something healthier.
00:38:44.280 You're like,
00:38:44.580 I can go on a run
00:38:45.880 or I can talk about
00:38:47.900 what I might be feeling
00:38:49.060 or,
00:38:50.420 I mean,
00:38:50.660 you know this from experience.
00:38:51.900 I've been more vocal
00:38:53.560 with you
00:38:54.620 and other close friends
00:38:55.700 in the past three years
00:38:56.920 than I've been
00:38:58.200 the rest of the time
00:38:59.400 that you and I
00:38:59.780 have known each other.
00:39:01.620 It's totally true.
00:39:02.720 Because I realize
00:39:03.520 I have to do that.
00:39:06.120 I have to call you
00:39:07.360 and say,
00:39:07.700 hey, man,
00:39:07.980 I'm dealing with this thing.
00:39:08.640 What do you think?
00:39:09.800 And some of those conversations
00:39:11.040 are five minutes
00:39:11.820 and some are an hour.
00:39:14.280 I don't want to do that.
00:39:17.220 That's like not
00:39:17.900 my favorite thing to do.
00:39:19.940 I'd rather just go get drunk.
00:39:22.300 But that's the old version
00:39:23.660 that wasn't serving me.
00:39:24.980 The new version is,
00:39:25.740 no,
00:39:25.820 I'm going to do something different
00:39:26.800 because this is going to serve me
00:39:28.580 and the people I love better.
00:39:32.100 Let me ask you this.
00:39:34.540 Maybe I'm in a bad place
00:39:37.480 to be able to,
00:39:38.660 I don't know,
00:39:39.040 maybe this goes sideways
00:39:40.440 or not,
00:39:40.820 so push back
00:39:41.560 because I don't want to
00:39:42.680 send a bad message here.
00:39:45.240 Using your analogy
00:39:46.460 of the broken leg,
00:39:48.500 I'm wondering
00:39:50.120 or I feel
00:39:51.060 that sometimes
00:39:52.600 there is no repair
00:39:55.000 in the leg.
00:39:57.160 Like,
00:39:57.920 it's broken,
00:39:58.800 it's healed bad,
00:40:00.200 and what you do with it
00:40:02.460 is
00:40:03.020 find,
00:40:05.420 you're aware of it,
00:40:07.080 so then that way
00:40:08.180 you run differently.
00:40:10.160 you,
00:40:10.540 you,
00:40:11.540 you,
00:40:12.040 you know,
00:40:13.200 don't put as much stress
00:40:14.580 in that,
00:40:15.040 on that particular angle of it,
00:40:16.960 and you pivot how you walk
00:40:19.320 and how you run
00:40:20.420 to deal with
00:40:21.920 the damage
00:40:23.640 that you have,
00:40:24.460 and it's there,
00:40:27.120 and it's forever there,
00:40:28.500 and I know
00:40:30.300 that kind of sounds,
00:40:31.960 I don't know,
00:40:32.680 real negative
00:40:33.600 to the question,
00:40:35.620 but I,
00:40:35.980 I more and more,
00:40:36.820 I feel like
00:40:37.880 it doesn't go away,
00:40:39.240 but I don't know.
00:40:40.460 Well,
00:40:41.280 I mean,
00:40:41.600 first of all,
00:40:42.600 analogies are never perfect,
00:40:43.840 right?
00:40:44.080 So there's that.
00:40:45.100 Yeah.
00:40:45.720 But,
00:40:46.960 I don't,
00:40:47.340 I don't think you're entirely wrong,
00:40:48.840 like you're going to,
00:40:49.720 the things that happen to you
00:40:51.200 don't ever go away.
00:40:53.760 Yeah.
00:40:54.360 You know,
00:40:54.680 like,
00:40:54.980 I've talked with,
00:40:55.920 with people who have been,
00:40:57.420 both men and women,
00:40:58.140 who have been sexually molested
00:40:59.440 by people very close to them,
00:41:01.420 and some are,
00:41:02.500 have,
00:41:02.800 have dealt with
00:41:03.780 and confronted
00:41:04.940 and coped
00:41:05.580 in a very,
00:41:06.600 very healthy way,
00:41:08.100 and others have not,
00:41:10.560 and,
00:41:10.960 and they have a lot of contention
00:41:12.560 and resentment
00:41:13.060 and animosity,
00:41:13.980 and of course,
00:41:14.600 to be understood.
00:41:15.800 Like,
00:41:16.080 I,
00:41:16.340 I understood,
00:41:17.360 I can understand that
00:41:18.240 to the degree that I can.
00:41:19.240 I've never been in their position,
00:41:20.200 but I can understand
00:41:21.060 why they would feel that way.
00:41:23.360 But even the people
00:41:24.320 that have dealt
00:41:24.880 and coped with it
00:41:25.960 in a healthy way,
00:41:27.620 they still,
00:41:29.320 There's still pain.
00:41:30.180 Pain.
00:41:30.760 Yeah.
00:41:31.080 It's still there.
00:41:32.000 It's still present.
00:41:33.020 But if we're going to
00:41:33.840 really run with this analogy,
00:41:35.960 one thing I think
00:41:37.480 a person has to be aware of
00:41:38.740 is let's say
00:41:39.200 they break their leg,
00:41:40.100 it heals incorrectly
00:41:41.000 for whatever reason,
00:41:41.880 and now they have to learn
00:41:43.000 how to walk
00:41:43.700 or do things differently.
00:41:46.720 A lot of the times,
00:41:47.860 unless you're very aware of it,
00:41:49.280 that can create other problems.
00:41:52.540 So,
00:41:53.080 for example,
00:41:53.820 Overcompensate.
00:41:54.740 Yes.
00:41:55.420 And so now your other leg hurts
00:41:56.980 or your hip hurts
00:41:57.760 or your shoulder hurts
00:41:58.600 because of the way
00:41:59.680 that you're walking now.
00:42:01.100 And so,
00:42:02.040 what might this look like
00:42:03.000 in real life
00:42:03.780 is
00:42:05.000 an alcoholic
00:42:08.280 might decide
00:42:09.360 to become sober
00:42:10.280 and make that choice
00:42:11.780 every single day
00:42:12.800 for the rest of their life.
00:42:15.940 But instead of,
00:42:18.800 so he avoids alcohol
00:42:20.240 and he avoids places
00:42:21.900 where he'll be tempted
00:42:22.760 and he has accountability
00:42:24.620 and all the things
00:42:25.280 that are good,
00:42:25.860 but he never actually addresses
00:42:27.300 the real problem.
00:42:28.800 he's just going to pick up
00:42:31.300 an addiction somewhere else.
00:42:33.760 He's going to start,
00:42:35.220 maybe he's going to start,
00:42:36.780 maybe he's addicted now
00:42:37.740 to pornography
00:42:38.320 or maybe even something healthy.
00:42:41.840 Maybe he's addicted
00:42:43.660 to health
00:42:44.720 to the point
00:42:45.500 where it's just consumed
00:42:46.600 every aspect of his life
00:42:48.120 and now he can't function
00:42:49.340 in other aspects.
00:42:51.280 So,
00:42:51.780 yeah,
00:42:52.000 you will adjust,
00:42:53.080 of course.
00:42:53.560 If it's painful enough,
00:42:54.840 yeah,
00:42:55.080 you're going to adjust.
00:42:57.720 But what is the adjustment
00:42:59.220 doing
00:43:00.240 to other aspects
00:43:02.420 of your life?
00:43:03.020 And unless you get
00:43:03.840 to the root of the problem,
00:43:04.920 you're just going to
00:43:05.760 take the habit
00:43:06.400 and transfer it
00:43:07.340 from here
00:43:07.800 to here.
00:43:08.940 You're not going
00:43:09.640 to do away with it.
00:43:13.700 That's good.
00:43:14.520 Yeah.
00:43:14.780 All right,
00:43:15.040 let's go to,
00:43:16.480 this is probably going
00:43:17.180 to be the last one
00:43:17.840 for me,
00:43:18.540 Kip,
00:43:18.820 because I've got
00:43:19.500 a hard stop.
00:43:20.240 I'm going to pull up,
00:43:21.280 I made a post on,
00:43:25.000 oh,
00:43:25.220 do you have some?
00:43:25.980 Mighty
00:43:26.400 or Facebook?
00:43:27.920 Oh.
00:43:29.640 I have both of them up.
00:43:31.020 We've already done
00:43:31.920 Iron Council.
00:43:34.140 Okay.
00:43:34.780 So let's go here.
00:43:37.820 Here's one from Danny.
00:43:39.040 He says,
00:43:39.260 how financially stable
00:43:40.280 should you be
00:43:40.900 before getting married?
00:43:46.100 Sorry,
00:43:46.620 I was just saving that.
00:43:48.640 How financially stable
00:43:49.520 should you be
00:43:50.020 before getting married?
00:43:51.440 No,
00:43:51.800 I actually,
00:43:52.380 I don't agree
00:43:52.980 with that actually.
00:43:55.680 Because if that's
00:43:56.600 what you're waiting for,
00:43:57.400 you'd never get married.
00:44:01.440 You know what I think
00:44:02.400 you need?
00:44:02.860 is I think you need
00:44:05.340 good,
00:44:06.040 I think you need
00:44:08.340 to know how money works
00:44:09.540 to some degree
00:44:10.860 and I think you need
00:44:11.880 good money management
00:44:13.100 principles.
00:44:15.280 But I don't think
00:44:16.220 you need to be
00:44:16.800 financially stable.
00:44:17.860 If you're young,
00:44:18.600 like if you're 21 years old
00:44:20.040 or 25
00:44:20.580 and you're in college
00:44:21.540 and your bride,
00:44:23.400 your fiance is in college,
00:44:25.240 like how financially stable
00:44:26.500 are you going to be?
00:44:27.300 You're not.
00:44:28.120 Should you not get married?
00:44:29.040 I don't think
00:44:30.020 that would be a reason
00:44:30.820 to keep you
00:44:31.400 from getting married.
00:44:32.500 But if you're 25
00:44:33.920 and you've got
00:44:35.000 $75,000
00:44:36.560 in consumer debt
00:44:38.080 and you don't know
00:44:39.420 how to save your money
00:44:40.360 and you're an idiot
00:44:41.400 when it comes
00:44:42.020 to money management,
00:44:42.860 you're probably
00:44:43.840 not ready
00:44:44.480 to be responsible
00:44:46.320 for another human being.
00:44:47.780 You're not even
00:44:48.220 responsible for yourself.
00:44:50.780 And the marriage
00:44:51.680 is going to go south
00:44:52.540 with all those
00:44:53.840 bad habits.
00:44:54.400 So what I would say
00:44:55.800 is you should be
00:44:57.500 learning money
00:44:58.260 management skills.
00:44:59.640 Learn how to budget.
00:45:01.200 Learn how to stay
00:45:01.960 out of debt.
00:45:02.960 Be prudent in your
00:45:03.840 financial decision
00:45:04.620 making process.
00:45:05.600 If you have debt,
00:45:06.560 figure out how to
00:45:07.140 pay it off effectively.
00:45:08.300 Use Dave Ramsey's
00:45:09.400 Snowball.
00:45:09.820 I think that's the
00:45:10.360 most effective way
00:45:11.080 to pay down debt.
00:45:12.240 Maybe you're in a position
00:45:13.020 where you can save
00:45:13.780 a few hundred bucks
00:45:14.560 a month or even
00:45:15.680 50 bucks or $25 a month.
00:45:18.220 Figure out how to live
00:45:19.580 on not trying to
00:45:21.840 keep up with the Joneses.
00:45:23.180 You know, I've got
00:45:24.040 my 2015 GMC
00:45:26.100 three-quarter ton.
00:45:27.000 It's a beautiful truck.
00:45:28.860 It's in good condition.
00:45:30.320 It drives well.
00:45:31.260 It's clean.
00:45:32.060 Regular maintenance.
00:45:33.360 I keep the inside clean.
00:45:35.260 Like, that's important
00:45:36.080 to me because I went
00:45:37.820 and looked at other
00:45:38.700 trucks and they're
00:45:39.500 like $90,000 to
00:45:41.160 replace my current
00:45:42.180 truck.
00:45:42.860 And I would love to
00:45:43.860 have a new truck.
00:45:44.620 I see them and I'm
00:45:45.180 like, man, that's a
00:45:46.820 nice truck.
00:45:47.380 I want it.
00:45:47.880 And then I remember,
00:45:48.580 oh, I don't want
00:45:49.040 everything else
00:45:49.720 associated with it.
00:45:50.740 I'm good with my
00:45:51.480 2015 three-quarter ton
00:45:53.420 that almost has
00:45:54.040 300,000 miles on it.
00:45:55.280 Why would I get
00:45:55.920 rid of that?
00:45:57.440 It just doesn't
00:45:58.340 make sense to me.
00:45:59.080 But people do it
00:45:59.720 all the time because
00:46:00.420 they're dumb about
00:46:01.560 their money management.
00:46:03.040 But if you and
00:46:03.880 your bride are
00:46:05.020 intelligent and
00:46:07.520 considerate about how
00:46:09.500 to manage money
00:46:10.100 properly, the wealth
00:46:12.020 will actually come.
00:46:13.360 And by the way,
00:46:15.600 married people are
00:46:17.100 usually wealthier and
00:46:18.880 make more money than
00:46:20.540 non-married people.
00:46:22.880 So being married is
00:46:24.360 actually to the right
00:46:25.320 person.
00:46:25.760 I'll say that.
00:46:26.480 Being married to the
00:46:27.340 right person is
00:46:28.480 actually a prudent
00:46:29.680 financial decision.
00:46:32.820 So as long as you
00:46:34.160 have those money
00:46:34.660 management skills and
00:46:35.580 you're willing to
00:46:36.000 learn them as you go,
00:46:36.960 you don't need to be
00:46:38.060 totally financially
00:46:39.140 stable in order to
00:46:40.780 commit to one woman
00:46:42.240 for the rest of your
00:46:42.880 life.
00:46:45.800 Sound.
00:46:46.920 All right.
00:46:47.320 Let's take, I said
00:46:48.220 that was the last
00:46:48.640 one.
00:46:48.780 Let's do one more.
00:46:49.300 Oh, here's a good
00:46:55.320 one.
00:46:57.020 Practical advice after
00:46:58.280 a breakup.
00:46:58.920 I'm 28.
00:47:00.000 We were together for
00:47:01.240 three years.
00:47:02.200 I ended it, but I
00:47:03.520 still love her.
00:47:06.060 That's a tough one.
00:47:09.420 I think the first
00:47:10.460 thing you need to
00:47:11.120 really wrap your mind
00:47:12.140 around is why you
00:47:13.200 ended it.
00:47:13.620 You ended it for a
00:47:14.400 reason.
00:47:15.280 And when you're,
00:47:16.300 when you're feeling
00:47:17.220 like you miss her
00:47:18.140 and you love her,
00:47:19.480 of course you still
00:47:20.040 love her.
00:47:20.460 You were with her
00:47:20.960 for three years.
00:47:21.600 If you didn't love
00:47:22.180 her, that would be
00:47:22.620 weird.
00:47:24.700 So of course you
00:47:25.440 still love her.
00:47:26.200 But you made that
00:47:27.060 decision hopefully for
00:47:28.140 a good reason.
00:47:29.120 And so in the
00:47:29.640 moments where you
00:47:30.260 think, oh man,
00:47:31.900 like I still love
00:47:34.260 her.
00:47:34.440 Maybe I should call
00:47:35.080 her.
00:47:35.240 Maybe we should try
00:47:35.720 to work this out.
00:47:36.340 just remember when
00:47:38.120 you were clear
00:47:38.800 headed, you ended
00:47:39.560 it.
00:47:40.180 And now you're not
00:47:41.100 clear headed, you're
00:47:41.740 emotionally compromised.
00:47:43.400 The other thing is we
00:47:46.040 tend to, memories tend
00:47:49.000 to romanticize the
00:47:51.300 best versions of
00:47:52.400 people I found and
00:47:54.300 the best versions of
00:47:55.180 the experiences that
00:47:56.480 we've had.
00:47:57.280 I was talking to
00:47:58.040 somebody just over
00:47:58.800 this weekend.
00:47:59.280 That's what we hold on to.
00:47:59.880 Yeah.
00:48:00.740 So I was talking to
00:48:02.100 somebody over the
00:48:02.540 weekend and we were
00:48:03.120 talking about going to
00:48:04.040 Disneyland and how many
00:48:05.200 people just hate going
00:48:07.360 to Disneyland.
00:48:07.900 But when they come
00:48:08.460 back, they say, oh,
00:48:09.180 it's the greatest trip
00:48:09.960 ever.
00:48:10.240 I'm like, I'm not sure
00:48:11.940 you remembered the
00:48:12.760 trip the way that it
00:48:14.440 actually went down
00:48:15.200 because you were
00:48:15.920 miserable the entire
00:48:17.400 time.
00:48:18.780 But when we're looking
00:48:19.840 back on something, we
00:48:21.200 romanticize it and we
00:48:22.500 think about the best
00:48:23.360 versions of it instead
00:48:25.100 of the reality of it.
00:48:26.360 And the reality is that
00:48:27.240 maybe you were
00:48:27.780 miserable, which is why
00:48:28.580 you ended it.
00:48:29.600 Or maybe you weren't
00:48:30.600 miserable, but your
00:48:31.420 futures weren't aligned
00:48:32.240 and that's why you
00:48:32.960 ended it.
00:48:33.360 The other thing that
00:48:35.060 I found that we do is
00:48:36.920 we tend to romanticize
00:48:38.920 a version of what
00:48:42.000 could have potentially
00:48:43.140 been, not what
00:48:44.380 actually was.
00:48:46.000 So when I think
00:48:46.760 about the business
00:48:51.540 and I'm forward
00:48:52.880 thinking, I'm not
00:48:53.780 thinking catastrophically.
00:48:55.220 I'm thinking, oh,
00:48:55.820 man, what if we had
00:48:56.600 this many downloads and
00:48:57.700 serve this many people
00:48:58.840 and created this much
00:49:00.120 impact in the world and
00:49:01.140 I was making this kind
00:49:02.040 of income and it's
00:49:03.040 all aspirational and
00:49:04.700 that's the story that
00:49:05.600 I created in my head
00:49:06.360 because of dreams.
00:49:07.480 And then when I
00:49:09.440 remember things, I
00:49:10.740 remember the vision
00:49:12.480 that I had, not the
00:49:13.500 reality of what was.
00:49:16.500 So your brain is
00:49:18.080 lying to you.
00:49:19.860 And in moments of
00:49:21.040 emotional weakness,
00:49:22.380 of course, you're
00:49:24.280 going to feel tempted
00:49:25.120 and struggle.
00:49:25.900 So those are some
00:49:27.480 mindset things, but
00:49:28.980 practical things are
00:49:30.500 make yourself the
00:49:32.260 project now.
00:49:34.260 Money management,
00:49:36.540 creating health and
00:49:39.020 strength in your life,
00:49:41.080 taking on new hobbies,
00:49:43.680 diving into your work,
00:49:45.460 developing new
00:49:46.140 friendships.
00:49:47.580 Maybe when you've
00:49:48.260 done this work, start
00:49:49.460 dating again because a
00:49:51.400 new woman in your life
00:49:52.200 will reinvigorate you
00:49:54.060 in your life.
00:49:56.500 But those are the
00:49:57.200 more practical things.
00:49:58.240 But at the end of the
00:49:58.680 day, making yourself the
00:49:59.840 project, especially in
00:50:01.600 those moments where
00:50:02.260 you're contemplating and
00:50:03.120 thinking about her, if
00:50:04.180 you have the right
00:50:04.640 mindsets that I just
00:50:05.400 shared with you and
00:50:06.460 you're doing the right
00:50:06.960 work, it's still going to
00:50:08.600 be hard, but it will be
00:50:10.800 manageable and you'll
00:50:11.540 know why you're doing
00:50:12.420 what you're doing.
00:50:13.840 Guys, well, we're going
00:50:14.500 to wrap up today.
00:50:15.120 I got a hard stop.
00:50:16.700 So I appreciate, I
00:50:18.580 appreciate all of you
00:50:19.920 really good questions.
00:50:20.900 There were several that
00:50:21.860 I did not get to today
00:50:23.300 that we will get to
00:50:24.540 next week.
00:50:25.080 We'll make sure we
00:50:25.520 answer those questions
00:50:26.220 for you.
00:50:27.660 As far as call to
00:50:28.620 actions, we just came
00:50:29.500 up with a new resource.
00:50:30.560 It's orderofman.com
00:50:31.560 slash bookshelf.
00:50:33.240 There's 25 books on
00:50:35.480 that bookshelf on the
00:50:37.500 subjects of self-mastery,
00:50:39.240 philosophy, health,
00:50:41.920 sovereignty, fatherhood,
00:50:43.360 specifically in regards
00:50:45.180 to being a better man.
00:50:46.900 So check it out,
00:50:47.460 orderofman.com
00:50:48.140 slash bookshelf.
00:50:49.680 Kip, thanks for being
00:50:50.340 here half of the time.
00:50:51.600 It was the best half
00:50:53.220 of this Ask Me Anything.
00:51:00.200 Thank you for listening
00:51:01.160 to the Order of Man
00:51:02.160 podcast.
00:51:03.220 You're ready to take
00:51:03.980 charge of your life and
00:51:05.260 be more of the man you
00:51:06.200 were meant to be.
00:51:07.260 We invite you to join
00:51:08.220 the order at
00:51:09.060 orderofman.com.