Order of Man - Casting Vision, Revisiting the Past, and Accepting Responsibility ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

00:00:00.000 So don't get so wrapped up in, I got to have this perfect vision and it's got to be compelling

00:00:04.900 and it's got to be good and it's got to be like that, guys.

00:00:07.040 And I got to, no, just do the best you can and start driving.

00:00:11.800 And then in a month after you've been doing all of this work, you can go back to your

00:00:16.040 vision statement and say, oh, you know what?

00:00:18.580 I have new information.

00:00:20.400 Let me redraft this vision because there's things that came up.

00:00:24.620 There's relationships that I had.

00:00:26.440 There's conversations I enjoyed.

00:00:28.220 There's opportunities that presented themselves.

00:00:31.000 And now I have to cast a new vision.

00:00:33.360 So it's a, it's a dynamic thing.

00:00:36.300 It's not a static thing.

00:00:38.740 You're a man of action.

00:00:40.260 You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears and boldly chart your own path.

00:00:44.700 When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time.

00:00:48.160 Every time you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong.

00:00:54.180 This is your life.

00:00:55.380 This is who you are.

00:00:56.520 This is who you will become at the end of the day.

00:00:59.540 And after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:01:03.520 So gentlemen, as you know, I usually do this podcast with my good friend and co-host Kip

00:01:09.500 Sorensen.

00:01:10.200 He may be joining us a little bit late, just getting into the week after a good Memorial

00:01:16.040 Day weekend.

00:01:17.360 I hope you guys had a good one as well.

00:01:20.160 It is interesting when I hear people say things like happy Memorial Day.

00:01:24.720 And you know, it's, it's, it's, it is, it's interesting because it is supposed to be a

00:01:29.500 happy day for sure.

00:01:31.000 And we have been afforded so many incredible blessings from the men and women who have given

00:01:37.100 their lives to ensure that we can pursue liberty and happiness and have the freedoms that we

00:01:42.460 enjoy.

00:01:42.840 So I don't feel bad about enjoying my day on Memorial Day.

00:01:47.700 Sometimes I hear people who will really play the guilt card quite heavily and, and, you

00:01:53.300 know, tell you that maybe you're not supposed to enjoy it or that it's, it's, you shouldn't

00:01:59.000 be as happy or excited or thrilled, or it shouldn't be the start of summer.

00:02:03.440 And I don't, I don't really agree with that.

00:02:05.460 I think the men and women who have died to give us those freedoms would probably want

00:02:10.900 us to enjoy the days like that.

00:02:13.200 But that being said, I think it's also important that we do remember the reason for Memorial

00:02:19.200 Day and the purpose behind it.

00:02:21.840 And in between or in the midst of the beer and the barbecue and the lake and the grilling

00:02:26.980 and the enjoyment with family and friends that you remember that somebody else died.

00:02:32.120 Many people died for you to have that luxury.

00:02:34.940 I cannot imagine living in another country.

00:02:39.760 And I feel like we have so many blessings, but unfortunately we often forget the source

00:02:46.060 of those blessings, which is from God directly.

00:02:48.620 And then of course, on the backs and hands and blood of those men and women who have given

00:02:53.260 their all.

00:02:53.900 So I hope you enjoyed the weekend.

00:02:55.740 I did, did some hiking and had a really good time.

00:02:58.820 And now we're back to it.

00:03:00.400 So I'm going to jump into the podcast and hopefully when Kip is able to make it, he'll

00:03:04.920 jump onto and we'll give him a hard time for being late.

00:03:07.680 And then we'll, uh, we'll drive on.

00:03:09.680 So today is your ask me anything.

00:03:11.160 I'm going to answer some questions primarily from, we, we fielded questions from a lot of

00:03:16.880 different places today from our exclusive brotherhood, the iron council, which you can

00:03:21.480 find at order of man.com slash iron council.

00:03:24.140 Uh, then we'll probably jump over to Instagram.

00:03:26.820 And then if we have time, we'll jump over to, um, our Facebook group.

00:03:30.660 So let's get to question number one.

00:03:33.160 So this one comes from a long time member of the iron council.

00:03:35.820 And this is Promet ball.

00:03:36.980 He says he wants to know tips and strategies on staying focused on gym and jujitsu with

00:03:43.380 it getting nicer outside.

00:03:44.520 And then there's some context.

00:03:45.800 He said he often finds himself doing more outdoor activities in the summer or as it should

00:03:51.460 be, but it also comes at the cost of gym and jujitsu.

00:03:54.200 Uh, they just don't feel as interesting when it's warmer.

00:03:56.680 And also the summer outdoor activities don't seem to make up for the intensity that I'm

00:04:00.580 seemingly giving up.

00:04:01.880 So how do you both stay engaged when the sun is shining right outside specifically true

00:04:07.580 for people living in colder areas?

00:04:09.040 He's in Wisconsin.

00:04:10.020 Well, I can definitely attest for this when I was living in Maine, um, obviously very,

00:04:15.000 very cold during the winter.

00:04:16.160 And so going inside in the gym, uh, or training jujitsu was very easy, but during those summer

00:04:22.380 months, I wanted to be at the lake.

00:04:23.840 I wanted to enjoy the outdoors.

00:04:25.540 I wanted to be hiking.

00:04:27.260 And what I would say is you should do that because the benefits of being outside and the

00:04:33.740 vitamin D and all of the great and wonderful things that come from being in nature and the

00:04:38.400 peace and solace and excitement and wonder and curiosity and exploring the outdoors.

00:04:44.860 I think can't really be matched by a lot of other things.

00:04:48.780 So I try not to, and maybe this is my older age as I get a little older speaking up so rigid

00:04:56.100 in my training program that I can't be flexible as things arise.

00:05:01.180 Um, that's not to say that I won't train at the gym.

00:05:03.520 I go to the gym just about every day, four to five days a week.

00:05:08.400 And, um, yeah, I go early in the morning, usually when it's still a little bit dark outside.

00:05:14.080 Um, the kids are all in bed and I can go take advantage of that, uh, in the afternoon or

00:05:19.740 maybe in the early evening, I'll go for a walk, um, or I'll go for a run.

00:05:24.500 I'm doing some training, some running training right now.

00:05:26.680 So I'll go for a run, uh, when it's cooled off a little bit.

00:05:29.860 And then outside of that, my weekends are spent, um, hiking the last, I think two or three

00:05:34.100 weekends.

00:05:34.520 Uh, I've been on hikes and been outdoors and I've enjoyed that as well.

00:05:39.180 So I think just be more flexible in, in your schedule.

00:05:42.840 And I know that maybe the intensity changes, but you can always do a workout outside.

00:05:49.000 You can go for a run and put a weighted vest on.

00:05:52.000 You can go to the park and do a park workout.

00:05:54.900 Um, you can get some buddies together and go, uh, do, do some park training.

00:05:59.100 You could even jump on Amazon if you wanted to and buy some, buy some mats off Amazon and

00:06:05.460 get a buddy or two together and pull them out of the garage and train outdoors, you know,

00:06:10.360 and that's, that's a possibility as well.

00:06:12.020 So there are a lot of workarounds, but what I would say is just don't be too rigid in your

00:06:16.660 training that you don't get to enjoy life.

00:06:19.740 Um, I think life is meant to be enjoyed.

00:06:22.840 It's meant to have purpose and direction and clarity to it, but I also think it's meant

00:06:27.240 to be enjoyed and I think Kip might say, we'll train anyways, but there's gotta be some room

00:06:33.180 for other desires, ambitions, and hobbies that you have as well.

00:06:39.020 This one comes from Jeremy Coffey.

00:06:40.680 He says, any tips on achieving balance between being intense and driven with being present

00:06:46.740 and joyful with your family?

00:06:49.220 Well, Jeremy, the first thing I'd say is this misnomer a bit of, of balance.

00:06:53.860 I don't like that term because I think when people use that term, what they're suggesting

00:07:01.700 is that there's this perfect place.

00:07:04.380 You know, if, if, if intensity and drive were on one end of the spectrum and being present

00:07:11.360 and joyful were on the other, then you have to find that line where you should just operate.

00:07:17.720 And, and I don't think that's the case.

00:07:19.340 And even if you did find that line, it will change this afternoon, right?

00:07:23.440 One of your kids will break their arm, heaven forbid, or, uh, you'll have a deadline at work

00:07:29.520 that you need to do and take care of.

00:07:31.700 And so things come up throughout the day that are constantly changing.

00:07:35.280 So I don't look at balance as this place where we arrive.

00:07:39.500 I look at it as a verb, balancing and balancing.

00:07:43.400 If you're on a, uh, skateboard or, uh, my, my kids and I ride around on our one wheel every

00:07:49.200 once in a while, it's, it's thousands of little micro adjustments along the way to react to

00:07:56.300 where I want to go, uh, to react to the dips and turns in the road, to react to a rock or

00:08:02.400 a bump that I might have to deal with or move out of the way of a car or whatever.

00:08:06.720 Um, so I'm constantly making adjustments and that to me is balancing.

00:08:11.380 Now, that being said, you're also painting a bit of a false dichotomy.

00:08:14.500 You're saying essentially that I can either be intense and driven or I can be present and

00:08:19.820 joyful.

00:08:20.180 And my question is, why can't you be both?

00:08:23.160 Why can't you be intense towards the things that you want to achieve?

00:08:27.180 And why can't you be driven towards those things and also be present in the moment and

00:08:31.940 still find joy and happiness in your life and, and, um, fulfillment.

00:08:37.820 Now, what I think you might be alluding to is that it's easier for men.

00:08:43.460 I think generally to be more intense and driven at work than it is to be at home.

00:08:50.240 At least I feel that way.

00:08:51.800 And sometimes when I get home and my kids are there and we're doing things, it's like,

00:08:57.640 I want to be out performing and I want to be out achieving and I have ambitions and I

00:09:02.120 want to make money and I want to grow my business and all of that is, is noble.

00:09:06.500 But what's been helpful for me is taking the same type of intensity and drive purpose and

00:09:11.700 clarity in my professional life and moving that over into my personal life.

00:09:16.540 So I can be just as driven at home to create really great relationships with my kids.

00:09:23.300 Um, I can be just as, uh, intense towards my objectives at work as I can be at home when

00:09:31.860 I'm trying to build those relationships or trying to build new hobbies or trying to run

00:09:37.860 a successful household.

00:09:40.280 I think what you need to do and what most men need to do is to define what that actually

00:09:44.620 looks like.

00:09:45.200 So most guys who are fathers and husbands will say, I would like to be a better father

00:09:50.380 and husband, and that's good.

00:09:52.440 But you don't really know what that means.

00:09:55.220 See, if I said, I want, I want to be a better entrepreneur.

00:09:59.280 Well, essentially that means I want more clients and I want to make more money and I want to

00:10:02.540 help more people.

00:10:03.520 It's very tangible.

00:10:05.740 Or I want to be more successful financially.

00:10:07.880 Look at your bank account.

00:10:09.660 Or do you have more money in your bank account than you did yesterday?

00:10:12.080 Okay.

00:10:12.280 Then you're on the right track.

00:10:13.500 But how do you measure being a better father?

00:10:16.520 You have to decide that for yourself.

00:10:18.920 Is it time and attention with your kids?

00:10:21.100 Is it building something or engaged in a new hobby?

00:10:24.100 Is it coaching your kids' sports teams?

00:10:27.000 Is it working out with them?

00:10:29.820 Is it reading them books?

00:10:31.180 Is it teaching them like education and schooling?

00:10:34.440 It could be different for everybody.

00:10:36.720 But unless and until you've defined what it is, you're always going to feel like you're

00:10:41.220 unproductive at home.

00:10:44.000 And you shouldn't feel that way.

00:10:45.380 You should feel productive.

00:10:47.600 So start defining what exactly you want to be doing at home.

00:10:52.420 And don't look at it as you relaxing or you wasting time.

00:10:57.420 Start taking some of that intensity and drive that you bring to your professional career

00:11:01.680 and infuse it into your personal life.

00:11:04.260 And I think for men, you are going to find more presence in that and more joy.

00:11:08.920 I don't equate joy with sitting around doing nothing, watching cartoons with my kids.

00:11:13.720 Now, sometimes we need that.

00:11:16.280 And we'll all watch a movie together or play a game together.

00:11:19.280 My youngest son loves Lego.

00:11:21.100 I do too.

00:11:21.880 So that works out.

00:11:22.600 But sometimes I don't want to do that.

00:11:24.240 But he wants to.

00:11:25.120 And so I make that sacrifice or investment of my time in him.

00:11:29.560 But that doesn't mean that you just need to sit around and do nothing.

00:11:32.920 You still are being productive.

00:11:34.760 You just need to define what it is.

00:11:36.960 And some people might even make the case, and I think this is probably more of a feminine 0.84

00:11:40.740 approach, is that, well, you should.

00:11:43.980 You don't have to worry about being productive.

00:11:45.820 You should just be present and enjoy it.

00:11:47.560 And that's not really how men engage, especially intense men.

00:11:52.860 So you don't have to fit into that mold.

00:11:55.580 You can be intense within reason and appropriately and still find the joy and satisfaction in leading

00:12:03.020 your family well.

00:12:04.300 I hope that helps.

00:12:06.160 Elijah Elliott, he says, in regards to helping others, where should a man draw the line between

00:12:12.460 accepting responsibility and enabling, especially when it comes to family?

00:12:19.320 Well, enabling is never good.

00:12:22.560 There's no line between teaching your family how to accept responsibility and enabling them.

00:12:29.640 Now, so I just want to, that might be a semantical argument, but I really want to make sure that

00:12:34.940 it's clear that anytime you're enabling your children, for example, to behave a certain way,

00:12:39.960 that's not an appropriate thing.

00:12:42.240 Enabling is not a positive thing ever.

00:12:44.740 Now, there may be times where you would need to step in, and I would say the line there is

00:12:50.860 when your children are in danger or, you know, they're going to hurt themselves or cause harm

00:12:58.180 to somebody else, or maybe they just can't handle what they're currently dealing with.

00:13:04.280 You know, if maybe they've had, one of your children has had a hard day at school and

00:13:10.140 they got picked on or bullied or whatever, whatever it might be, and you decide that that's

00:13:18.320 a day that you need to get after them about being better of cleaning their room and helping

00:13:23.840 with responsibilities around the house.

00:13:25.920 Well, if they're having a horrible day and it's, and it's just been completely difficult,

00:13:32.900 that's not to say they don't have to manage their responsibilities, but I think we can

00:13:36.580 show a little bit of empathy and see that, okay, maybe the way I'm delivering this needs

00:13:42.380 to be done differently.

00:13:43.900 And I think that's what you need to do.

00:13:46.660 So I would never not allow the people that I love to take responsibility for the things that

00:13:53.700 need to be done around the house or the way they show up with the rest of the family.

00:13:58.340 But if they're in danger or somebody else is in danger, well, that would be a moment to step

00:14:03.360 in.

00:14:04.240 But outside of that, always, always help them accept responsibility, clearly communicate

00:14:10.200 what the expectations and the standards are, and uphold those boundaries and administer

00:14:18.720 consequences and discipline as required.

00:14:22.220 So I hope that helps.

00:14:24.840 All right, guys, let's jump over to Instagram.

00:14:27.680 So this one comes from New Life Farm Glamping.

00:14:30.720 This is Corey.

00:14:31.400 He's been a good friend for a while.

00:14:33.260 And he says, after the divorce, I understand, excuse me, after a divorce, I understand the

00:14:39.100 value of healing and rebuilding yourself.

00:14:42.000 I've even heard the prior suggested before your attempt to get into another committed relationship.

00:14:47.540 Do you believe it's necessary to have yourself all figured out and your life back in order

00:14:52.480 before getting into a relationship?

00:14:54.500 Or is there room to bring someone else into your life at any point and continue the process

00:14:59.260 of healing, growing, and rebuilding together?

00:15:01.540 I think this is a great question.

00:15:03.160 And it's one that I think a lot of men get wrong.

00:15:05.220 Even when I went through my divorce and I started dating again, I tend to be a little bit more

00:15:10.780 public-facing because of the position I'm here in with Order of Man.

00:15:15.440 And I can't tell you the amount of messages that I got from other people that said just

00:15:19.560 that, oh, you should heal yourself, fix yourself, repair yourself.

00:15:22.940 You shouldn't get back into dating.

00:15:24.560 I heard that all the time.

00:15:26.160 The reality is, is that anytime somebody says it's too soon for you to start dating is just

00:15:31.060 picking an arbitrary number they know nothing about.

00:15:33.580 So if you jump right back into the dating scene after two, three, four weeks, or a month or

00:15:39.300 a couple of months, and people think it's too early, they don't really have any relevance

00:15:44.280 in your life because they don't know what you're experiencing and going through.

00:15:48.380 It's almost like asking, you know, what arbitrary number of days or months or years should I consult

00:15:56.400 with you on when it's appropriate for me to date?

00:15:59.320 And I don't think that anybody has the final answer or say on that, except for yourself.

00:16:06.280 Now, in the spirit of the question that you're asking, yeah, I do believe that you should

00:16:11.780 continue to work on yourself.

00:16:13.160 And I do believe that there's a lot of work that you can do on your own.

00:16:17.160 But I don't think it's exclusive to being single.

00:16:21.220 And I don't think that, I actually don't believe that you can fully heal yourself on your own.

00:16:28.300 In fact, I think that's impossible.

00:16:30.360 Because if you could do that on your own, fully heal, quote unquote, heal yourself or fix yourself

00:16:36.040 or whatever terminology you want to use, then it's likely you would have already done it.

00:16:42.380 Because you're already doing the things that you know how to do.

00:16:44.800 The beauty of a relationship, whether it's a friendship or even a romantic relationship,

00:16:49.740 is that the idea is that you get into a relationship with somebody who challenges you in a healthy,

00:16:56.520 positive, and constructive way.

00:16:58.200 Sure, they align with your vision, similar goals and desires, even similar pursuits, interests,

00:17:04.520 and activities.

00:17:06.020 But if they don't challenge you in some way, what would be the point of being in a relationship?

00:17:11.800 And so I don't actually think that you can fully, again, quote unquote, heal yourself

00:17:17.660 until you actually start getting into relationships again.

00:17:22.620 That's been my opinion.

00:17:24.280 And that's been my experience.

00:17:26.340 Now, you do have to ask yourself why you might be getting into a romantic relationship.

00:17:31.920 Because I've seen plenty of men, and I've talked with a lot of men about this,

00:17:36.020 who are getting into relationships very quickly to fill a void or a gap or an emptiness in who they are.

00:17:45.400 And I think that could become a problem.

00:17:48.940 It becomes a problem because you, if that's what you're trying to do,

00:17:53.660 and feel validated maybe even, especially after a divorce and failed relationship,

00:17:57.640 if you are looking for that from somebody else,

00:18:02.180 not only are you going to be waiting a very long time

00:18:05.580 because nobody gives you exactly what you want all the time,

00:18:08.660 even the best relationships you have,

00:18:11.000 but it's also going to cause you to overlook red flags.

00:18:18.280 And I've talked with a lot of men who have gotten into quick relationships

00:18:22.300 after a breakup or a divorce or a separation or whatever.

00:18:26.500 And they end up getting into a relationship.

00:18:28.320 They end up potentially getting married

00:18:30.300 and creating a lifelong partnership with this person.

00:18:33.600 And then two, three years down the road,

00:18:35.440 without any corrected behavior on their part or a new way of looking at things,

00:18:39.580 they find themselves in a toxic relationship

00:18:42.840 with a woman that is not aligned with their values,

00:18:46.800 with a woman who isn't compatible with them.

00:18:53.400 And it creates a lot of hardship for both the man and the woman.

00:18:57.960 And they could have known better if only they got into a relationship

00:19:02.000 because they felt like they were in a good place to love,

00:19:05.120 to lead, to serve, to be served.

00:19:08.940 And they learned lessons from their previous relationships

00:19:12.600 that helped them be better in these relationships.

00:19:15.080 And if that's why you're dating and getting back into the dating space,

00:19:20.220 then you are more likely to acknowledge the red flags that pop up.

00:19:26.460 Oh, good to see Kip here.

00:19:27.780 Kip finally joined us.

00:19:29.160 So glad to have Kip here, 28 minutes late.

00:19:33.800 I'm just talking about some red flags real quick,

00:19:36.340 real quick, and then I'll give, 0.64

00:19:37.500 I'll let you have your minute for excuses on this one.

00:19:40.560 What I was saying is that if a man gets back into dating too quickly

00:19:45.620 after a divorce or for the wrong reasons,

00:19:47.600 he's likely to overlook red flags

00:19:50.200 because he's trying to fill a void or a gap in his life

00:19:54.740 with another woman without the awareness and ability 1.00

00:19:59.920 to bring something new to his new relationship.

00:20:03.980 So, Corey, that was a great question.

00:20:08.620 Kip, if you care, you can go back and catch the replay on that

00:20:11.840 since you're 28 minutes late.

00:20:14.040 Would you say he overlooks your own red flags as well?

00:20:18.300 Like maybe even the red flags in the women, 0.99

00:20:20.440 but like what were your red flags from the previous relationship as well?

00:20:24.820 Oh, that's a, I didn't think about that,

00:20:26.520 but I actually think that's a really good point

00:20:28.460 because he was asking if you need to fully work on yourself

00:20:34.600 and heal yourself before you date again.

00:20:36.720 And I said, I said, no.

00:20:39.480 And I said, you can't, because you can't,

00:20:41.480 I don't think you can fully quote unquote heal yourself

00:20:44.200 if you're not in a relationship.

00:20:47.200 It's the reps that you need.

00:20:49.360 Not only the reps, it's the challenge of a relationship.

00:20:52.960 Yeah.

00:20:53.200 Like, I can do a lot of inner work.

00:20:56.460 I can journal, I can reflect,

00:20:58.880 I can take responsibility for a previous relationship

00:21:01.780 to the degree that I'm responsible for it.

00:21:04.920 But at some point, you need a woman in your life 0.98

00:21:09.120 to be able to challenge you, teach you new things,

00:21:14.020 expose some weaknesses and vulnerabilities in you,

00:21:17.620 but a woman who can do it in a very constructive 1.00

00:21:20.220 and healthy and positive way.

00:21:21.760 You can't get that by isolating and operating in solitude

00:21:25.900 for the rest of your life

00:21:26.820 because you're quote unquote not ready.

00:21:30.400 Got it, got it.

00:21:32.200 Well, and it's like how many other elements of life

00:21:34.420 that we talk about this?

00:21:35.360 It's like, oh, you know, I wanna get in physical shape.

00:21:40.220 How do you learn how to do that?

00:21:42.960 You start working out, right?

00:21:44.020 There's no other way to learn it

00:21:45.300 other than in the process of actually doing it, so.

00:21:48.160 Well, and that actually brings up a good point too

00:21:50.160 is I think too many men will often jump into a relationship

00:21:53.620 with the expectation of, I've gotta find the one.

00:21:58.320 And if you're trying to fit a square peg

00:22:01.020 into a round hole, eventually you'll make it fit,

00:22:04.440 but you'll end up breaking something along the way, right?

00:22:08.540 Right, so you don't need, if you don't feel like

00:22:13.620 I have to find the next woman, I have to get married, 1.00

00:22:16.500 I have to be in a relationship, then you can say,

00:22:18.880 oh, that's a square peg and that's a round hole

00:22:20.900 and that doesn't work.

00:22:23.300 And you can move on to a potentially better relationship

00:22:26.820 that fits a little, a lot better

00:22:29.100 because you're both in a different space,

00:22:32.280 mindset, compatibility and priorities.

00:22:34.420 Got it.

00:22:37.080 All right, well, let's go to the next question.

00:22:38.640 So this one comes from Simone Tony Four.

00:22:41.580 This is over on Instagram Kip.

00:22:43.740 And it says, how did you find your identity

00:22:46.680 or what was the most you realized,

00:22:49.640 what was the moment you realized, quote unquote, this is me?

00:22:53.400 I'm struggling to create a vision that feels right for me

00:22:56.200 and I think it's due to my undefined identity.

00:22:58.760 Thank you so much for all you do.

00:23:00.160 You've already changed my life.

00:23:01.340 I saw this question a little earlier and I want to give it,

00:23:06.340 I hope this is an interesting perspective.

00:23:09.100 I don't think I've found my identity.

00:23:13.460 And what I mean by that is my identity

00:23:17.560 is going to constantly shift.

00:23:19.240 Who I am right now as a result of the questions being asked

00:23:22.140 or the result of the conversation we had

00:23:24.280 or the result of the weekend that I had

00:23:26.860 or the result of a book that I read will change my identity.

00:23:31.340 And that's a good thing.

00:23:33.340 So I actually choose to look at it and say,

00:23:35.760 I'm comfortable with where I am

00:23:38.800 because the integrity gap,

00:23:40.720 the gap between what I want and what I'm doing

00:23:44.060 continues to lessen and I'm bridging that gap.

00:23:46.980 So I'm really comfortable in my life

00:23:48.560 with where I am right now,

00:23:50.480 but I'm also open and receptive

00:23:52.980 to being somebody new tomorrow

00:23:55.340 if it serves me and the people that I love.

00:23:57.680 So if I have a really powerful conversation with somebody

00:24:01.420 and it causes me to reflect

00:24:03.440 or question my own beliefs as of today,

00:24:06.300 I'm happy to embrace at least the idea

00:24:10.160 that maybe they're right

00:24:11.840 and it's something I don't know

00:24:13.300 and that makes me a new man.

00:24:15.420 Every conversation, every relationship,

00:24:18.880 every experience,

00:24:21.180 every factor of life makes you somebody new.

00:24:24.420 And so maybe stop chasing around like,

00:24:27.420 oh, I need to find my identity

00:24:28.640 and start bridging the integrity gap

00:24:31.440 knowing that that will develop and manifest over time

00:24:34.940 and be open to the idea that you'll be somebody new.

00:24:37.760 If you're struggling to create a vision,

00:24:40.020 I think without having any context here,

00:24:43.300 what's happening is that you think

00:24:45.620 it should be a certain way

00:24:47.620 and it's not good enough for you right now.

00:24:50.580 And I think that's a problem.

00:24:52.980 You can only see as far as you can see.

00:24:55.740 You know, if I'm driving down the road

00:24:57.100 in the middle of the night,

00:24:58.260 I've got my headlights

00:24:59.380 and they only go out so far.

00:25:01.940 If I'm in a new area,

00:25:03.420 I can't see beyond what my headlights are going to show me

00:25:06.600 and I have no idea what's on the other side.

00:25:08.680 What it takes is casting the headlight

00:25:11.040 as far as it can go

00:25:12.220 and still be effective,

00:25:14.320 making sure I'm going in the right direction

00:25:16.840 and staying on the road.

00:25:17.860 And then as soon as I progress

00:25:21.160 and drive down that road,

00:25:22.640 my headlights go out further and further and further

00:25:25.160 and then I pivot and adjust.

00:25:26.760 So don't get so wrapped up in,

00:25:29.120 I got to have this perfect vision

00:25:30.800 and it's got to be compelling

00:25:31.740 and it's got to be good

00:25:32.640 and it's got to be like that, guys.

00:25:33.900 And I got to, no,

00:25:35.240 just do the best you can and start driving.

00:25:38.680 And then in a month,

00:25:39.760 after you've been doing all of this work,

00:25:41.740 you can go back to your vision statement and say,

00:25:43.820 oh, you know what?

00:25:45.420 I have new information.

00:25:46.260 Let me redraft this vision

00:25:48.920 because there's things that came up.

00:25:51.480 There's relationships that I had.

00:25:53.320 There's conversations I enjoyed.

00:25:55.440 There's opportunities that presented themselves

00:25:57.600 and now I have to cast a new vision.

00:26:00.300 So it's a dynamic thing.

00:26:03.140 It's not a static thing.

00:26:05.720 Yeah.

00:26:06.800 Why do you think he's asking that?

00:26:08.960 What's the root cause of that question?

00:26:12.280 Like it really,

00:26:13.760 I find it really interesting.

00:26:15.500 Like what's the desire

00:26:16.960 to put pen to paper

00:26:19.980 and say I need to identify my identity

00:26:23.140 and I don't think it has to do with writing a vision.

00:26:25.780 It's insecurity.

00:26:28.040 He's, I think,

00:26:30.540 he's insecure

00:26:31.580 and I'm not trying to beat him up by any means here.

00:26:34.340 Like we've all been here.

00:26:35.220 But he's insecure with who he is.

00:26:37.440 He doesn't feel confident in who he is.

00:26:40.180 And so when things are presented-

00:26:42.500 You want to create something

00:26:43.480 and then try to live into it instead.

00:26:45.060 Right.

00:26:45.600 Because if I have,

00:26:47.140 okay, so if I'm,

00:26:48.060 I don't know,

00:26:48.460 like I don't have like an instruction manual

00:26:50.360 to anything here,

00:26:51.140 but like here's a piece of paper.

00:26:52.800 It's a tax document.

00:26:53.600 So I'll go like this

00:26:54.260 because nobody needs to see it.

00:26:55.940 But there's instructions on here, right?

00:26:59.100 Like so I can follow the instructions.

00:27:02.420 That makes it easy.

00:27:04.540 But life doesn't have instructions.

00:27:07.460 And when we don't have instructions,

00:27:11.200 at least for me,

00:27:12.700 I try to,

00:27:13.500 I try to label things.

00:27:15.940 I try to create systems and tools

00:27:17.460 to make life easier to live.

00:27:19.020 And I actually don't think that that's wrong.

00:27:22.300 We should have systems that work for us.

00:27:24.680 But when we don't have any sort of system,

00:27:26.920 then we feel like we're always second guessing ourselves.

00:27:31.360 We feel like we're always behind the eight ball a little bit

00:27:34.000 and the next thing throws us off

00:27:36.620 and we can't be decisive in our actions

00:27:38.840 because we don't have anything to align with our vision.

00:27:41.180 Or maybe we focus hyper or heavily on past wrong decisions

00:27:46.960 instead of good decisions that you've made in the past.

00:27:49.440 And we don't have a litmus test

00:27:50.760 for the way we should be making decisions.

00:27:53.500 So I don't think it's wrong,

00:27:54.620 but to me,

00:27:55.600 it represents insecurity.

00:27:57.320 And it might be,

00:27:58.160 again,

00:27:58.380 that integrity gap of,

00:28:00.600 I know I want to be something.

00:28:02.340 I know I'm not something.

00:28:05.480 So that feels really disheartening.

00:28:07.920 And I've been there.

00:28:09.620 So cast the vision as best you can

00:28:11.360 and start working towards that,

00:28:12.900 bridging the integrity gap.

00:28:14.080 And bridging the integrity gap

00:28:15.540 is what shores up the insecurities.

00:28:18.480 Well,

00:28:19.100 and a little bit of in between the lines, right,

00:28:22.380 that I'm picking up from you, Ryan,

00:28:23.820 and maybe this is just my interpretation

00:28:25.580 around the question,

00:28:28.240 is you can only be where you are.

00:28:31.660 Based upon your current state

00:28:36.980 of understanding and comprehension.

00:28:39.300 Yeah.

00:28:39.960 So you can,

00:28:43.120 you know,

00:28:43.880 there's ultimate vision and identity.

00:28:45.940 Yeah,

00:28:46.120 but guess what?

00:28:47.000 Like,

00:28:47.300 you may not be there yet.

00:28:48.960 So where are you today?

00:28:51.900 What's the best version of you right now?

00:28:56.060 And,

00:28:56.620 and be that.

00:28:58.720 You know what?

00:28:59.740 I mean,

00:29:00.100 and it's sometimes,

00:29:01.300 because I think if I,

00:29:02.300 if I plant this canvas of this identity

00:29:06.200 and so far removed from who I am,

00:29:08.360 Ryan,

00:29:08.680 then

00:29:09.180 I can't even get there.

00:29:12.060 I can't relate to it.

00:29:13.380 It's not real.

00:29:14.820 And then what am I doing today?

00:29:16.900 And in between now and then,

00:29:19.760 kicking myself in the ass over and over 0.98

00:29:21.540 about never being good enough about it,

00:29:23.600 right?

00:29:23.920 Versus like,

00:29:24.680 what do I have today?

00:29:25.600 What is within my lap today?

00:29:27.780 And to your point,

00:29:29.180 am I living in integrity right now

00:29:31.860 with the man that I am right now?

00:29:34.200 Knowing that there's a better version,

00:29:36.820 you know?

00:29:37.720 And,

00:29:38.160 you know,

00:29:38.840 and,

00:29:39.100 and to your point,

00:29:39.920 just to reiterate it,

00:29:41.540 because I think it's really important is

00:29:43.340 you're not the same person you were a year ago.

00:29:47.260 Thank goodness.

00:29:48.640 And neither am I.

00:29:49.920 Yeah.

00:29:50.700 So

00:29:51.140 this isn't something,

00:29:53.320 it's something that's evolving and creating,

00:29:55.160 not something that gets casted in,

00:29:57.400 you know,

00:29:57.800 someday.

00:29:58.480 Right.

00:29:59.220 Well,

00:29:59.520 there's a great quote and it's,

00:30:01.220 no man steps in the same river twice for

00:30:03.080 he is not the same man and it is not the same river.

00:30:06.060 Like,

00:30:07.200 everything is constantly changing all around us

00:30:09.780 and you are a different person to your point today

00:30:11.940 than you were yesterday.

00:30:13.200 You know what this also does,

00:30:14.380 this way of thinking of you

00:30:15.800 be present with where you are and do what you can?

00:30:19.180 There's another quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says,

00:30:21.780 do what you can with what you have where you are.

00:30:24.700 Hmm.

00:30:26.000 Yeah.

00:30:26.580 That's all you can do.

00:30:29.660 And

00:30:30.060 what it,

00:30:31.760 literally,

00:30:32.280 you have no other choice.

00:30:33.220 There's no other choice.

00:30:34.160 Do something with it

00:30:35.260 or don't do something with it.

00:30:36.560 But either way,

00:30:37.280 you are where you are.

00:30:38.380 And in the meantime,

00:30:39.340 figure out what you need to know

00:30:40.540 to be better tomorrow.

00:30:42.400 But

00:30:42.800 there's something else that this does

00:30:44.860 and I'm learning this

00:30:45.760 slowly

00:30:46.260 and painfully in some ways.

00:30:49.320 When you have this mentality of,

00:30:51.200 hey,

00:30:51.380 I'm,

00:30:51.780 I'm making the most of the moment I'm in

00:30:54.660 with the tools and resources,

00:30:56.200 knowledge,

00:30:56.480 information I have.

00:30:58.180 If that's the case,

00:30:59.360 then what that means

00:31:00.340 is that

00:31:00.940 when you are a different man,

00:31:02.160 maybe a lesser version of the man

00:31:03.600 that you are today,

00:31:04.480 you are doing the same thing.

00:31:07.780 But what you,

00:31:08.660 what you're doing with,

00:31:09.620 okay,

00:31:09.800 so I'll give you a very specific example.

00:31:12.140 When I was in the throes of my drinking,

00:31:14.120 I was doing

00:31:15.460 what I could have been doing in that moment.

00:31:18.720 That's all I could do.

00:31:21.520 Now,

00:31:21.960 that doesn't excuse poor behavior

00:31:23.660 because

00:31:25.100 even my poor behavior

00:31:26.700 were learned lessons

00:31:28.080 that I

00:31:29.500 applied in my life

00:31:30.940 in a very

00:31:31.980 destructive way

00:31:34.220 to me and people around me.

00:31:36.500 But that's literally

00:31:37.640 all I can do.

00:31:38.920 Now,

00:31:39.340 when I go back,

00:31:40.220 I'm not looking at it

00:31:41.360 from the position I was

00:31:42.480 three years ago.

00:31:44.000 I'm looking back

00:31:45.240 on it

00:31:45.840 with the knowledge

00:31:46.900 I have

00:31:47.540 three years

00:31:48.460 in the future.

00:31:50.160 So looking back,

00:31:51.300 I can say,

00:31:51.840 you know what,

00:31:52.160 I was a total dick.

00:31:54.540 And

00:31:54.940 I was not being

00:31:56.800 what I could have been

00:31:57.920 and who I could have been.

00:31:59.180 And

00:31:59.580 that's not accurate.

00:32:02.980 It feels like it's accurate 0.99

00:32:04.320 because you're dealing

00:32:04.940 in your current reality,

00:32:06.140 but you were

00:32:06.700 what you could have been then.

00:32:08.260 And really,

00:32:08.920 the only thing

00:32:09.580 you can change now is

00:32:10.640 what did I need to learn

00:32:12.940 in order to be

00:32:15.240 something different today?

00:32:16.680 But I cannot go back

00:32:17.860 and revisit the past

00:32:18.820 and say,

00:32:19.280 oh man,

00:32:20.880 you know,

00:32:21.180 if only I.

00:32:22.340 It doesn't matter.

00:32:24.840 It's done.

00:32:26.820 This is the power

00:32:28.020 of letting go.

00:32:30.980 It is what it is.

00:32:33.380 You know,

00:32:34.000 and it doesn't serve you any,

00:32:35.440 it doesn't serve anybody

00:32:36.460 for us to look back

00:32:37.600 at our past.

00:32:38.100 Oh,

00:32:38.400 I should have,

00:32:39.120 I shouldn't have,

00:32:39.900 or I should have done.

00:32:41.600 But you didn't.

00:32:42.940 Right.

00:32:43.620 Or you did exactly

00:32:44.480 what you did.

00:32:45.640 So let go of what you think

00:32:48.020 should have been

00:32:49.360 or what you should have done

00:32:50.840 because you did what you did.

00:32:54.140 And,

00:32:54.620 and this is the power

00:32:56.320 of presence,

00:32:56.900 right?

00:32:57.200 Because ultimately,

00:32:58.180 it's like,

00:32:58.860 okay,

00:32:59.060 great,

00:32:59.340 I can look at it.

00:33:01.320 But what do I do with it

00:33:02.720 right now

00:33:03.400 where I am

00:33:04.200 is ultimately

00:33:05.840 all that matters

00:33:06.600 because it doesn't ever

00:33:07.420 serve you to go back

00:33:08.380 and go,

00:33:08.920 oh,

00:33:08.940 I should have.

00:33:09.680 Or this is why

00:33:10.640 we both get sideways

00:33:11.940 when we get people like,

00:33:12.780 well,

00:33:12.900 what would you tell yourself

00:33:13.720 when you're,

00:33:14.180 you know,

00:33:14.820 14?

00:33:15.320 It's like,

00:33:15.840 I don't know.

00:33:16.760 I don't even like

00:33:17.500 that way of thinking.

00:33:18.440 I think it's a bad way

00:33:19.560 of thinking,

00:33:20.240 right?

00:33:20.540 Because I could get sideways.

00:33:21.840 I could waste the moment

00:33:24.380 going through all the shit

00:33:26.880 I should have never done.

00:33:30.300 Well,

00:33:30.840 does it serve me?

00:33:32.340 No.

00:33:33.080 I had this guy reach out

00:33:34.400 a couple of days ago

00:33:35.340 and I had posted something

00:33:36.820 and he's like,

00:33:37.300 oh man,

00:33:37.760 he messaged me back.

00:33:38.920 He's like,

00:33:39.140 this is so good.

00:33:40.380 Where,

00:33:40.840 where was this 10 years ago

00:33:42.100 when I needed it?

00:33:43.320 And I wrote him back

00:33:44.300 and I said,

00:33:44.840 would you have listened?

00:33:45.720 And he wrote me back.

00:33:48.320 He's like,

00:33:48.600 no,

00:33:49.020 probably not.

00:33:50.440 I'm like,

00:33:50.800 so it was actually

00:33:51.580 probably there

00:33:52.460 because I didn't create

00:33:53.780 whatever concept

00:33:54.660 I just shared with you.

00:33:55.720 You just didn't hear it

00:33:56.900 or didn't receive it

00:33:57.920 because of the position.

00:33:58.940 You weren't ready for it.

00:33:59.820 Right.

00:34:00.400 Yeah.

00:34:00.780 Yeah.

00:34:02.140 I like this idea

00:34:03.220 of letting go,

00:34:04.160 but you know,

00:34:04.580 there is one thing

00:34:05.340 I would say

00:34:05.840 and I was playing pickleball

00:34:09.740 with my,

00:34:10.580 with my,

00:34:11.080 two of my sons

00:34:11.920 and one of my oldest son's

00:34:13.240 friends over the weekend.

00:34:14.160 We played a ton of pickleball

00:34:15.420 and it's fun.

00:34:15.980 I love it.

00:34:17.120 And my oldest son's friend

00:34:19.760 is really,

00:34:20.880 he's athletic by nature,

00:34:22.420 but he's also really good

00:34:23.460 at pickleball.

00:34:24.680 And he kept doing this

00:34:25.760 like one specific move

00:34:27.320 and he kept getting me

00:34:28.600 like to go one way

00:34:29.420 and then hitting it

00:34:29.960 the other way.

00:34:30.920 And he did it

00:34:31.680 like three times in a row,

00:34:33.080 but you know how many times

00:34:34.000 he didn't do it?

00:34:34.780 Four times in a row

00:34:35.560 because I learned

00:34:37.460 and I adapted

00:34:39.300 and then it didn't work.

00:34:41.260 And then he needed

00:34:42.060 to figure something else out

00:34:43.240 and he tried different things

00:34:44.520 and some of it worked

00:34:45.300 and some of it didn't.

00:34:46.340 Jiu-jitsu is the same way.

00:34:48.200 You know,

00:34:48.600 you catch me in an arm bar

00:34:49.760 enough times the same way.

00:34:52.020 Like if you're hard headed,

00:34:53.700 it takes you longer

00:34:54.480 than somebody who's humble

00:34:55.480 and open to like feedback.

00:34:58.280 But at some point,

00:35:00.920 I'm going to know,

00:35:02.380 oh,

00:35:02.640 he's setting up an arm bar

00:35:04.140 because he's done it to me

00:35:05.220 a dozen times

00:35:06.300 in the past 10 minutes

00:35:07.560 and you're not going

00:35:08.920 to catch it anymore

00:35:09.600 and you are going

00:35:11.160 to have to evolve

00:35:11.860 because I did.

00:35:14.500 Yeah.

00:35:14.740 And I think that's the lesson

00:35:15.980 that we're extracting here

00:35:17.160 is that,

00:35:17.620 yeah,

00:35:17.720 don't go back

00:35:18.760 and revisit

00:35:19.360 because you want

00:35:21.100 to beat yourself up.

00:35:22.060 Just say,

00:35:22.480 oh,

00:35:22.580 you know what?

00:35:23.580 If I was presented

00:35:25.180 with that same set

00:35:26.940 of circumstances,

00:35:27.740 I'm going to respond

00:35:30.080 this way now

00:35:31.300 because that way hurt.

00:35:32.920 That was painful.

00:35:34.740 Yeah.

00:35:35.180 Let go of the judgment

00:35:36.660 of what should have been

00:35:38.360 and learn from what happened.

00:35:41.960 Right.

00:35:42.420 Yeah.

00:35:42.800 Yeah.

00:35:43.840 All right,

00:35:44.440 let's move to the next question.

00:35:45.520 This is CDLTN.

00:35:48.840 So C dot Dalton,

00:35:50.520 maybe,

00:35:50.740 I don't know.

00:35:51.920 What did you learn

00:35:53.000 about yourself

00:35:53.900 in your darkest moment

00:35:55.500 and how can we collectively

00:35:57.660 use this

00:35:58.740 to pull the next man up?

00:36:02.940 Yeah,

00:36:03.520 man,

00:36:04.080 there is so,

00:36:05.240 this kind of ties

00:36:06.080 into what we were just saying.

00:36:07.080 There's so much to learn.

00:36:08.980 For me,

00:36:10.020 I learned that I had

00:36:11.480 a lot of

00:36:12.180 unrecognized,

00:36:16.080 I'm hesitant

00:36:17.040 to use the word trauma.

00:36:18.200 I don't think everything

00:36:19.120 is as traumatic

00:36:19.800 as people like

00:36:20.880 to use that term in.

00:36:22.340 Yeah.

00:36:22.860 But I had a lot of

00:36:24.680 unrecognized

00:36:27.080 experiences,

00:36:29.760 I'll say experiences

00:36:30.600 in my life

00:36:31.300 that I healed

00:36:33.480 in an incorrect way.

00:36:35.420 Like,

00:36:35.920 for example,

00:36:36.440 if I were to break my leg

00:36:37.660 and not have it set properly,

00:36:40.260 it's always,

00:36:41.040 and it heals incorrectly,

00:36:42.900 it will still heal,

00:36:43.960 but it heals incorrectly,

00:36:45.180 it's always going to be

00:36:46.180 a weak point in my life.

00:36:48.580 Yeah.

00:36:49.260 If the bone isn't aligned

00:36:50.440 or isn't,

00:36:51.340 you know,

00:36:51.920 a plate's not put on a bone

00:36:53.660 to heal it,

00:36:54.140 it's always going to be

00:36:55.280 a weak point.

00:36:55.800 And I realized

00:36:58.120 that there's a lot

00:36:59.720 of things

00:37:00.380 that I do

00:37:01.220 to cope with that

00:37:03.240 without even realizing

00:37:05.180 what I was coping with.

00:37:07.620 Yeah,

00:37:07.800 I didn't even realize

00:37:08.400 the problems.

00:37:10.680 And so I became

00:37:11.660 very aware

00:37:12.460 of first

00:37:13.680 the problems

00:37:14.980 and where it came from

00:37:16.080 and the stories

00:37:16.780 around the experiences

00:37:17.820 that I had

00:37:18.500 and are those stories

00:37:19.980 serving me

00:37:20.540 or are they not?

00:37:21.200 And I'm still working

00:37:21.980 through those stories.

00:37:22.760 It's not like I fixed it

00:37:23.840 in a year or something.

00:37:26.020 And then I realized

00:37:27.520 that once you,

00:37:30.060 you might have to

00:37:31.020 break the bone again,

00:37:31.960 actually,

00:37:33.000 if you want,

00:37:33.620 if we're going to use

00:37:34.060 that analogy.

00:37:35.500 A doctor might go in

00:37:36.740 and say,

00:37:37.020 you know what,

00:37:37.340 we need to re-injure you.

00:37:39.220 We need to hurt you

00:37:40.360 in order to set this properly

00:37:42.920 so that moving forward,

00:37:44.400 you're in a much better place

00:37:45.580 with this leg.

00:37:46.620 And that's the same thing

00:37:47.960 about doing emotional work.

00:37:49.500 You're actually re-injuring yourself.

00:37:52.540 You're visiting painful experiences

00:37:54.560 and moments

00:37:55.600 and challenges

00:37:56.480 and emotionally trying times

00:37:59.060 so that you can get

00:38:00.860 to the root of it

00:38:01.760 and heal correctly.

00:38:03.400 And I feel like

00:38:04.420 when you do that,

00:38:05.520 you can cope more effectively.

00:38:07.320 Now,

00:38:07.560 I don't need to drink

00:38:08.700 in order to heal from things

00:38:11.120 I wasn't even aware

00:38:12.220 that were broken.

00:38:13.980 And instead,

00:38:15.500 I can consciously decide,

00:38:17.120 oh,

00:38:17.620 that's a story

00:38:18.640 I'm telling myself.

00:38:19.540 It's not entirely true.

00:38:20.800 It's not entirely helpful.

00:38:22.360 So I'm not going to listen

00:38:23.600 to that story.

00:38:24.240 I'm going to replace it

00:38:24.940 with a better,

00:38:25.500 more effective story.

00:38:27.040 And then even in those moments

00:38:28.560 of challenging times,

00:38:29.460 because I'm not saying

00:38:30.080 just knowing the stories

00:38:31.180 makes everything go away.

00:38:33.460 But now that I know

00:38:34.840 and I'm basing it in reality

00:38:36.660 or at least a healthier version

00:38:38.260 of fiction,

00:38:41.080 I can do something healthier.

00:38:44.280 You're like,

00:38:44.580 I can go on a run

00:38:45.880 or I can talk about

00:38:47.900 what I might be feeling

00:38:49.060 or,

00:38:50.420 I mean,

00:38:50.660 you know this from experience.

00:38:51.900 I've been more vocal

00:38:53.560 with you

00:38:54.620 and other close friends

00:38:55.700 in the past three years

00:38:56.920 than I've been

00:38:58.200 the rest of the time

00:38:59.400 that you and I

00:38:59.780 have known each other.

00:39:01.620 It's totally true.

00:39:02.720 Because I realize

00:39:03.520 I have to do that.

00:39:06.120 I have to call you

00:39:07.360 and say,

00:39:07.700 hey, man,

00:39:07.980 I'm dealing with this thing.

00:39:08.640 What do you think?

00:39:09.800 And some of those conversations

00:39:11.040 are five minutes

00:39:11.820 and some are an hour.

00:39:14.280 I don't want to do that.

00:39:17.220 That's like not

00:39:17.900 my favorite thing to do.

00:39:19.940 I'd rather just go get drunk.

00:39:22.300 But that's the old version

00:39:23.660 that wasn't serving me.

00:39:24.980 The new version is,

00:39:25.740 no,

00:39:25.820 I'm going to do something different

00:39:26.800 because this is going to serve me

00:39:28.580 and the people I love better.

00:39:32.100 Let me ask you this.

00:39:34.540 Maybe I'm in a bad place

00:39:37.480 to be able to,

00:39:38.660 I don't know,

00:39:39.040 maybe this goes sideways

00:39:40.440 or not,

00:39:40.820 so push back

00:39:41.560 because I don't want to

00:39:42.680 send a bad message here.

00:39:45.240 Using your analogy

00:39:46.460 of the broken leg,

00:39:48.500 I'm wondering

00:39:50.120 or I feel

00:39:51.060 that sometimes

00:39:52.600 there is no repair

00:39:55.000 in the leg.

00:39:57.160 Like,

00:39:57.920 it's broken,

00:39:58.800 it's healed bad,

00:40:00.200 and what you do with it

00:40:02.460 is

00:40:03.020 find,

00:40:05.420 you're aware of it,

00:40:07.080 so then that way

00:40:08.180 you run differently.

00:40:10.160 you,

00:40:10.540 you,

00:40:11.540 you,

00:40:12.040 you know,

00:40:13.200 don't put as much stress

00:40:14.580 in that,

00:40:15.040 on that particular angle of it,

00:40:16.960 and you pivot how you walk

00:40:19.320 and how you run

00:40:20.420 to deal with

00:40:21.920 the damage

00:40:23.640 that you have,

00:40:24.460 and it's there,

00:40:27.120 and it's forever there,

00:40:28.500 and I know

00:40:30.300 that kind of sounds,

00:40:31.960 I don't know,

00:40:32.680 real negative

00:40:33.600 to the question,

00:40:35.620 but I,

00:40:35.980 I more and more,

00:40:36.820 I feel like

00:40:37.880 it doesn't go away,

00:40:39.240 but I don't know.

00:40:40.460 Well,

00:40:41.280 I mean,

00:40:41.600 first of all,

00:40:42.600 analogies are never perfect,

00:40:43.840 right?

00:40:44.080 So there's that.

00:40:45.100 Yeah.

00:40:45.720 But,

00:40:46.960 I don't,

00:40:47.340 I don't think you're entirely wrong,

00:40:48.840 like you're going to,

00:40:49.720 the things that happen to you

00:40:51.200 don't ever go away.

00:40:53.760 Yeah.

00:40:54.360 You know,

00:40:54.680 like,

00:40:54.980 I've talked with,

00:40:55.920 with people who have been,

00:40:57.420 both men and women,

00:40:58.140 who have been sexually molested

00:40:59.440 by people very close to them,

00:41:01.420 and some are,

00:41:02.500 have,

00:41:02.800 have dealt with

00:41:03.780 and confronted

00:41:04.940 and coped

00:41:05.580 in a very,

00:41:06.600 very healthy way,

00:41:08.100 and others have not,

00:41:10.560 and,

00:41:10.960 and they have a lot of contention

00:41:12.560 and resentment

00:41:13.060 and animosity,

00:41:13.980 and of course,

00:41:14.600 to be understood.

00:41:15.800 Like,

00:41:16.080 I,

00:41:16.340 I understood,

00:41:17.360 I can understand that

00:41:18.240 to the degree that I can.

00:41:19.240 I've never been in their position,

00:41:20.200 but I can understand

00:41:21.060 why they would feel that way.

00:41:23.360 But even the people

00:41:24.320 that have dealt

00:41:24.880 and coped with it

00:41:25.960 in a healthy way,

00:41:27.620 they still,

00:41:29.320 There's still pain.

00:41:30.180 Pain.

00:41:30.760 Yeah.

00:41:31.080 It's still there.

00:41:32.000 It's still present.

00:41:33.020 But if we're going to

00:41:33.840 really run with this analogy,

00:41:35.960 one thing I think

00:41:37.480 a person has to be aware of

00:41:38.740 is let's say

00:41:39.200 they break their leg,

00:41:40.100 it heals incorrectly

00:41:41.000 for whatever reason,

00:41:41.880 and now they have to learn

00:41:43.000 how to walk

00:41:43.700 or do things differently.

00:41:46.720 A lot of the times,

00:41:47.860 unless you're very aware of it,

00:41:49.280 that can create other problems.

00:41:52.540 So,

00:41:53.080 for example,

00:41:53.820 Overcompensate.

00:41:54.740 Yes.

00:41:55.420 And so now your other leg hurts

00:41:56.980 or your hip hurts

00:41:57.760 or your shoulder hurts

00:41:58.600 because of the way

00:41:59.680 that you're walking now.

00:42:01.100 And so,

00:42:02.040 what might this look like

00:42:03.000 in real life

00:42:03.780 is

00:42:05.000 an alcoholic

00:42:08.280 might decide

00:42:09.360 to become sober

00:42:10.280 and make that choice

00:42:11.780 every single day

00:42:12.800 for the rest of their life.

00:42:15.940 But instead of,

00:42:18.800 so he avoids alcohol

00:42:20.240 and he avoids places

00:42:21.900 where he'll be tempted

00:42:22.760 and he has accountability

00:42:24.620 and all the things

00:42:25.280 that are good,

00:42:25.860 but he never actually addresses

00:42:27.300 the real problem.

00:42:28.800 he's just going to pick up

00:42:31.300 an addiction somewhere else.

00:42:33.760 He's going to start,

00:42:35.220 maybe he's going to start,

00:42:36.780 maybe he's addicted now

00:42:37.740 to pornography

00:42:38.320 or maybe even something healthy.

00:42:41.840 Maybe he's addicted

00:42:43.660 to health

00:42:44.720 to the point

00:42:45.500 where it's just consumed

00:42:46.600 every aspect of his life

00:42:48.120 and now he can't function

00:42:49.340 in other aspects.

00:42:51.280 So,

00:42:51.780 yeah,

00:42:52.000 you will adjust,

00:42:53.080 of course.

00:42:53.560 If it's painful enough,

00:42:54.840 yeah,

00:42:55.080 you're going to adjust.

00:42:57.720 But what is the adjustment

00:42:59.220 doing

00:43:00.240 to other aspects

00:43:02.420 of your life?

00:43:03.020 And unless you get

00:43:03.840 to the root of the problem,

00:43:04.920 you're just going to

00:43:05.760 take the habit

00:43:06.400 and transfer it

00:43:07.340 from here

00:43:07.800 to here.

00:43:08.940 You're not going

00:43:09.640 to do away with it.

00:43:13.700 That's good.

00:43:14.520 Yeah.

00:43:14.780 All right,

00:43:15.040 let's go to,

00:43:16.480 this is probably going

00:43:17.180 to be the last one

00:43:17.840 for me,

00:43:18.540 Kip,

00:43:18.820 because I've got

00:43:19.500 a hard stop.

00:43:20.240 I'm going to pull up,

00:43:21.280 I made a post on,

00:43:25.000 oh,

00:43:25.220 do you have some?

00:43:25.980 Mighty

00:43:26.400 or Facebook?

00:43:27.920 Oh.

00:43:29.640 I have both of them up.

00:43:31.020 We've already done

00:43:31.920 Iron Council.

00:43:34.140 Okay.

00:43:34.780 So let's go here.

00:43:37.820 Here's one from Danny.

00:43:39.040 He says,

00:43:39.260 how financially stable

00:43:40.280 should you be

00:43:40.900 before getting married?

00:43:46.100 Sorry,

00:43:46.620 I was just saving that.

00:43:48.640 How financially stable

00:43:49.520 should you be

00:43:50.020 before getting married?

00:43:51.440 No,

00:43:51.800 I actually,

00:43:52.380 I don't agree

00:43:52.980 with that actually.

00:43:55.680 Because if that's

00:43:56.600 what you're waiting for,

00:43:57.400 you'd never get married.

00:44:01.440 You know what I think

00:44:02.400 you need?

00:44:02.860 is I think you need

00:44:05.340 good,

00:44:06.040 I think you need

00:44:08.340 to know how money works

00:44:09.540 to some degree

00:44:10.860 and I think you need

00:44:11.880 good money management

00:44:13.100 principles.

00:44:15.280 But I don't think

00:44:16.220 you need to be

00:44:16.800 financially stable.

00:44:17.860 If you're young,

00:44:18.600 like if you're 21 years old

00:44:20.040 or 25

00:44:20.580 and you're in college

00:44:21.540 and your bride,

00:44:23.400 your fiance is in college,

00:44:25.240 like how financially stable

00:44:26.500 are you going to be?

00:44:27.300 You're not.

00:44:28.120 Should you not get married?

00:44:29.040 I don't think

00:44:30.020 that would be a reason

00:44:30.820 to keep you

00:44:31.400 from getting married.

00:44:32.500 But if you're 25

00:44:33.920 and you've got

00:44:35.000 $75,000

00:44:36.560 in consumer debt

00:44:38.080 and you don't know

00:44:39.420 how to save your money

00:44:40.360 and you're an idiot 0.98

00:44:41.400 when it comes

00:44:42.020 to money management,

00:44:42.860 you're probably

00:44:43.840 not ready

00:44:44.480 to be responsible

00:44:46.320 for another human being.

00:44:47.780 You're not even

00:44:48.220 responsible for yourself.

00:44:50.780 And the marriage

00:44:51.680 is going to go south

00:44:52.540 with all those

00:44:53.840 bad habits.

00:44:54.400 So what I would say

00:44:55.800 is you should be

00:44:57.500 learning money

00:44:58.260 management skills.

00:44:59.640 Learn how to budget.

00:45:01.200 Learn how to stay

00:45:01.960 out of debt.

00:45:02.960 Be prudent in your

00:45:03.840 financial decision

00:45:04.620 making process.

00:45:05.600 If you have debt,

00:45:06.560 figure out how to

00:45:07.140 pay it off effectively.

00:45:08.300 Use Dave Ramsey's

00:45:09.400 Snowball.

00:45:09.820 I think that's the

00:45:10.360 most effective way

00:45:11.080 to pay down debt.

00:45:12.240 Maybe you're in a position

00:45:13.020 where you can save

00:45:13.780 a few hundred bucks

00:45:14.560 a month or even

00:45:15.680 50 bucks or $25 a month.

00:45:18.220 Figure out how to live

00:45:19.580 on not trying to

00:45:21.840 keep up with the Joneses.

00:45:23.180 You know, I've got

00:45:24.040 my 2015 GMC

00:45:26.100 three-quarter ton.

00:45:27.000 It's a beautiful truck.

00:45:28.860 It's in good condition.

00:45:30.320 It drives well.

00:45:31.260 It's clean.

00:45:32.060 Regular maintenance.

00:45:33.360 I keep the inside clean.

00:45:35.260 Like, that's important

00:45:36.080 to me because I went

00:45:37.820 and looked at other

00:45:38.700 trucks and they're

00:45:39.500 like $90,000 to

00:45:41.160 replace my current

00:45:42.180 truck.

00:45:42.860 And I would love to

00:45:43.860 have a new truck.

00:45:44.620 I see them and I'm

00:45:45.180 like, man, that's a

00:45:46.820 nice truck.

00:45:47.380 I want it.

00:45:47.880 And then I remember,

00:45:48.580 oh, I don't want

00:45:49.040 everything else

00:45:49.720 associated with it.

00:45:50.740 I'm good with my

00:45:51.480 2015 three-quarter ton

00:45:53.420 that almost has

00:45:54.040 300,000 miles on it.

00:45:55.280 Why would I get

00:45:55.920 rid of that?

00:45:57.440 It just doesn't

00:45:58.340 make sense to me.

00:45:59.080 But people do it

00:45:59.720 all the time because

00:46:00.420 they're dumb about

00:46:01.560 their money management.

00:46:03.040 But if you and

00:46:03.880 your bride are

00:46:05.020 intelligent and

00:46:07.520 considerate about how

00:46:09.500 to manage money

00:46:10.100 properly, the wealth

00:46:12.020 will actually come.

00:46:13.360 And by the way,

00:46:15.600 married people are

00:46:17.100 usually wealthier and

00:46:18.880 make more money than

00:46:20.540 non-married people.

00:46:22.880 So being married is

00:46:24.360 actually to the right

00:46:25.320 person.

00:46:25.760 I'll say that.

00:46:26.480 Being married to the

00:46:27.340 right person is

00:46:28.480 actually a prudent

00:46:29.680 financial decision.

00:46:32.820 So as long as you

00:46:34.160 have those money

00:46:34.660 management skills and

00:46:35.580 you're willing to

00:46:36.000 learn them as you go,

00:46:36.960 you don't need to be

00:46:38.060 totally financially

00:46:39.140 stable in order to

00:46:40.780 commit to one woman 0.95

00:46:42.240 for the rest of your

00:46:42.880 life.

00:46:45.800 Sound.

00:46:46.920 All right.

00:46:47.320 Let's take, I said

00:46:48.220 that was the last

00:46:48.640 one.

00:46:48.780 Let's do one more.

00:46:49.300 Oh, here's a good

00:46:55.320 one.

00:46:57.020 Practical advice after

00:46:58.280 a breakup.

00:46:58.920 I'm 28.

00:47:00.000 We were together for

00:47:01.240 three years.

00:47:02.200 I ended it, but I

00:47:03.520 still love her.

00:47:06.060 That's a tough one.

00:47:09.420 I think the first

00:47:10.460 thing you need to

00:47:11.120 really wrap your mind

00:47:12.140 around is why you

00:47:13.200 ended it.

00:47:13.620 You ended it for a

00:47:14.400 reason.

00:47:15.280 And when you're,

00:47:16.300 when you're feeling

00:47:17.220 like you miss her

00:47:18.140 and you love her,

00:47:19.480 of course you still

00:47:20.040 love her.

00:47:20.460 You were with her

00:47:20.960 for three years.

00:47:21.600 If you didn't love

00:47:22.180 her, that would be 0.94

00:47:22.620 weird.

00:47:24.700 So of course you

00:47:25.440 still love her.

00:47:26.200 But you made that

00:47:27.060 decision hopefully for

00:47:28.140 a good reason.

00:47:29.120 And so in the

00:47:29.640 moments where you

00:47:30.260 think, oh man,

00:47:31.900 like I still love

00:47:34.260 her.

00:47:34.440 Maybe I should call

00:47:35.080 her.

00:47:35.240 Maybe we should try

00:47:35.720 to work this out.

00:47:36.340 just remember when

00:47:38.120 you were clear

00:47:38.800 headed, you ended

00:47:39.560 it.

00:47:40.180 And now you're not

00:47:41.100 clear headed, you're

00:47:41.740 emotionally compromised.

00:47:43.400 The other thing is we

00:47:46.040 tend to, memories tend

00:47:49.000 to romanticize the

00:47:51.300 best versions of

00:47:52.400 people I found and

00:47:54.300 the best versions of

00:47:55.180 the experiences that

00:47:56.480 we've had.

00:47:57.280 I was talking to

00:47:58.040 somebody just over

00:47:58.800 this weekend.

00:47:59.280 That's what we hold on to.

00:47:59.880 Yeah.

00:48:00.740 So I was talking to

00:48:02.100 somebody over the

00:48:02.540 weekend and we were

00:48:03.120 talking about going to

00:48:04.040 Disneyland and how many

00:48:05.200 people just hate going

00:48:07.360 to Disneyland.

00:48:07.900 But when they come

00:48:08.460 back, they say, oh,

00:48:09.180 it's the greatest trip

00:48:09.960 ever.

00:48:10.240 I'm like, I'm not sure

00:48:11.940 you remembered the

00:48:12.760 trip the way that it

00:48:14.440 actually went down

00:48:15.200 because you were

00:48:15.920 miserable the entire

00:48:17.400 time.

00:48:18.780 But when we're looking

00:48:19.840 back on something, we

00:48:21.200 romanticize it and we

00:48:22.500 think about the best

00:48:23.360 versions of it instead

00:48:25.100 of the reality of it.

00:48:26.360 And the reality is that

00:48:27.240 maybe you were

00:48:27.780 miserable, which is why

00:48:28.580 you ended it.

00:48:29.600 Or maybe you weren't

00:48:30.600 miserable, but your

00:48:31.420 futures weren't aligned

00:48:32.240 and that's why you

00:48:32.960 ended it.

00:48:33.360 The other thing that

00:48:35.060 I found that we do is

00:48:36.920 we tend to romanticize

00:48:38.920 a version of what

00:48:42.000 could have potentially

00:48:43.140 been, not what

00:48:44.380 actually was.

00:48:46.000 So when I think

00:48:46.760 about the business

00:48:51.540 and I'm forward

00:48:52.880 thinking, I'm not

00:48:53.780 thinking catastrophically.

00:48:55.220 I'm thinking, oh,

00:48:55.820 man, what if we had

00:48:56.600 this many downloads and

00:48:57.700 serve this many people

00:48:58.840 and created this much

00:49:00.120 impact in the world and

00:49:01.140 I was making this kind

00:49:02.040 of income and it's

00:49:03.040 all aspirational and

00:49:04.700 that's the story that

00:49:05.600 I created in my head

00:49:06.360 because of dreams.

00:49:07.480 And then when I

00:49:09.440 remember things, I

00:49:10.740 remember the vision

00:49:12.480 that I had, not the

00:49:13.500 reality of what was.

00:49:16.500 So your brain is

00:49:18.080 lying to you.

00:49:19.860 And in moments of

00:49:21.040 emotional weakness,

00:49:22.380 of course, you're

00:49:24.280 going to feel tempted

00:49:25.120 and struggle.

00:49:25.900 So those are some

00:49:27.480 mindset things, but

00:49:28.980 practical things are

00:49:30.500 make yourself the

00:49:32.260 project now.

00:49:34.260 Money management,

00:49:36.540 creating health and

00:49:39.020 strength in your life,

00:49:41.080 taking on new hobbies,

00:49:43.680 diving into your work,

00:49:45.460 developing new

00:49:46.140 friendships.

00:49:47.580 Maybe when you've

00:49:48.260 done this work, start

00:49:49.460 dating again because a

00:49:51.400 new woman in your life

00:49:52.200 will reinvigorate you

00:49:54.060 in your life.

00:49:56.500 But those are the

00:49:57.200 more practical things.

00:49:58.240 But at the end of the

00:49:58.680 day, making yourself the

00:49:59.840 project, especially in

00:50:01.600 those moments where

00:50:02.260 you're contemplating and

00:50:03.120 thinking about her, if

00:50:04.180 you have the right

00:50:04.640 mindsets that I just

00:50:05.400 shared with you and

00:50:06.460 you're doing the right

00:50:06.960 work, it's still going to

00:50:08.600 be hard, but it will be

00:50:10.800 manageable and you'll

00:50:11.540 know why you're doing

00:50:12.420 what you're doing.

00:50:13.840 Guys, well, we're going

00:50:14.500 to wrap up today.

00:50:15.120 I got a hard stop.

00:50:16.700 So I appreciate, I

00:50:18.580 appreciate all of you

00:50:19.920 really good questions.

00:50:20.900 There were several that

00:50:21.860 I did not get to today

00:50:23.300 that we will get to

00:50:24.540 next week.

00:50:25.080 We'll make sure we

00:50:25.520 answer those questions

00:50:26.220 for you.

00:50:27.660 As far as call to

00:50:28.620 actions, we just came

00:50:29.500 up with a new resource.

00:50:30.560 It's orderofman.com

00:50:31.560 slash bookshelf.

00:50:33.240 There's 25 books on

00:50:35.480 that bookshelf on the

00:50:37.500 subjects of self-mastery,

00:50:39.240 philosophy, health,

00:50:41.920 sovereignty, fatherhood,

00:50:43.360 specifically in regards

00:50:45.180 to being a better man.

00:50:46.900 So check it out,

00:50:47.460 orderofman.com

00:50:48.140 slash bookshelf.

00:50:49.680 Kip, thanks for being

00:50:50.340 here half of the time.

00:50:51.600 It was the best half

00:50:53.220 of this Ask Me Anything.

00:51:00.200 Thank you for listening

00:51:01.160 to the Order of Man

00:51:02.160 podcast.

00:51:03.220 You're ready to take

00:51:03.980 charge of your life and

00:51:05.260 be more of the man you

00:51:06.200 were meant to be.

00:51:07.260 We invite you to join

00:51:08.220 the order at

00:51:09.060 orderofman.com.

Order of Man - May 28, 2025

Casting Vision, Revisiting the Past, and Accepting Responsibility ｜ ASK ME ANYTHING

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