Order of Man - Counter-Intuitive But Powerful Advice for Fixing Your Relationship with Your Wife ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 I know from experience, how difficult and challenging a relationship and a marriage can

00:00:03.740 be. I also know from the experience of thousands of men who have messaged me and emailed me

00:00:09.160 talking about the challenges that they're dealing with inside of their marriage. I recorded a

00:00:15.560 Facebook live and our Facebook group of over 76,000 men now the other day. And I wouldn't

00:00:21.100 typically do this, but the message was so important and it's counterintuitive, but it's,

00:00:24.920 it's very, very powerful when it comes to fixing the relationship issues that you may

00:00:29.280 have with your wife. And I wanted to share that with you here rather than just the Facebook

00:00:33.560 group. So the audio is a little bit off because I just picked up my phone and hit record. But

00:00:38.620 again, the message is powerful. It's counterintuitive, but it's going to serve you well, regardless

00:00:43.580 of where you are in your relationship. So please tune in, listen in, take notes, apply the information

00:00:48.960 and fix your marriage. You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your

00:00:55.000 fears, and boldly chart your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more

00:01:00.200 time. Every time you are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This

00:01:07.120 is your life. This is who you are. This is who you will become at the end of the day. And

00:01:12.480 after all is said and done, you can call yourself a man.

00:01:16.160 What's up guys? I'm going to share some advice. I know it's been a while since I've been on

00:01:21.260 Facebook live here in the group. I think as of today, we're at 76,000 members, I think

00:01:30.780 just under. So it's pretty wild, the growth that we've experienced. And I know I've been

00:01:35.240 a little absent here. Part of the reason is, is because I've been pouring into what we've

00:01:40.460 got in the Iron Council. So if you're interested in that, you can check it out, orderofmen.com

00:01:44.940 slash Iron Council. This isn't a sales pitch. You can just go check it out and make a decision

00:01:49.200 for yourself. Today, I wanted to talk with you about some, like I said in the post here,

00:01:57.660 some counterintuitive yet powerful advice for fixing the relationship with your significant

00:02:03.220 other. I wanted to talk with you about this today because I continue to see men fall into

00:02:08.340 the same problems that they have been as long as we've been doing this podcast and movement

00:02:14.260 and I'm sure significantly longer than that when it comes to the pitfalls and the missteps

00:02:20.840 as they struggle in their relationship. And I'm coming to you with some anecdotal evidence

00:02:26.360 in my own personal life. And I'm also going to be sharing with you based on some evidence

00:02:32.180 that I have seen again over the past nearly six years now of literally thousands of men who

00:02:37.220 have gone through similar experiences to me in my separation with my wife nearly 11 years

00:02:45.000 ago now. And I know it can be dark. I know it can be challenging. So we're going to talk

00:02:52.000 about it. But before I do, here's what I want to say. If you're jumping on, we've got 52,

00:02:57.020 53 guys on the call right now, and I'm sure we'll have fewer and more and everything else,

00:03:00.600 but thousands of people will be watching this. If you have a question, you need to drop it in

00:03:05.040 the comments right now as it relates to relationship advice. That's what I'm going to be talking about.

00:03:10.460 So if you're talking about fitness or finance or any of these other things, I'm not going to talk

00:03:14.300 with you about that stuff because I want to keep it to relationship stuff right now. Okay. So if you

00:03:18.440 have a relationship question, drop it in the comments and I'll do my best to get to it. So let

00:03:23.100 me just cut right to it right here. Here's the counterintuitive advice. If you're struggling in

00:03:28.140 relationship, whether it's a struggling with connection, maybe she's been flirting with

00:03:33.660 another guy. I had a guy, a gentleman emailed me today and he had said that his wife had connected

00:03:40.220 on social media with, with an old fling and it was harmless, you know, harmless. That's what the

00:03:47.220 ladies say. It's harmless. It means nothing. And, and if you ignore it, then, you know, six, 0.95

00:03:52.300 eight months, 12 months down the road, she, she leaves you for him. Uh, so anyways, these are

00:03:57.840 the types of questions I get. So if you are struggling in your relationship, here's what

00:04:01.280 I would tell you. Focus on yourself. That's it guys. I don't know how to say it any more simple

00:04:11.660 than that. Focus on yourself. Now here's the trap. Most of us are controlling to some degree.

00:04:18.980 And when things begin to spiral out of control, and certainly when you're struggling in relationship

00:04:24.560 issues with your wife, things are spiraling, spiraling out of control, you know, you, you

00:04:28.960 feel helpless and you feel lost and confused and frustrated and pissed off. And just this

00:04:35.340 whole wide range of emotions that you experience when you go through, uh, just rough relationship

00:04:42.460 issues or a rough patch or a separation or even a divorce. And so what we as men do, because

00:04:48.860 this is in our nature is we, we begin to solve the problem by getting involved in the problem

00:04:57.840 and the problem that most of us believe it's her. If only she changed, if only she did X,

00:05:05.260 Y, and Z, if only she did the things that a good wife should do, if only she was loyal, 0.93

00:05:10.140 if only she understood what I was going through, then, then everything would be better.

00:05:16.240 Now, if you think I'm talking about your situation specifically, the only reason it might sound

00:05:22.800 like that is because that is exactly what I said to myself when my wife and I went through

00:05:29.580 our separation nearly 11 years ago. How could she do this? Why was she being disloyal?

00:05:36.860 Uh, why wasn't she doing the things that a quote unquote good wife should do? Why didn't she 1.00

00:05:44.260 acknowledge and appreciate and understand everything that I had been doing to grow our business,

00:05:49.500 to create a livelihood, to try to be the type of, of husband and father to our one-year-old at the

00:05:55.000 time that she wanted me to be the kind of man that I wanted to be. Why didn't she see that?

00:05:59.660 If only she would have seen that and acknowledged it and recognized it and to a degree honored it,

00:06:09.080 then we wouldn't be experiencing these relationship issues right now. And so what did I do? Well,

00:06:15.820 I pinned it on her and that's what a lot of you guys are doing. You're pinning it at all on her.

00:06:22.040 Why is she doing this? What's wrong with her? If only she behaved a certain way, 1.00

00:06:29.060 then everything would be fine. Now, look, I'm not going to tell you that she doesn't have her

00:06:32.920 own problems and she certainly might. Everything that you're saying about her might actually be true.

00:06:40.220 And therein lies the problem. It's a problem because if it's true, then what most of us tend to

00:06:47.580 do is absolve ourselves of the responsibility of our own part to play in the ultimate demise of our

00:06:53.160 relationships. So what I did during my separation with my wife is I told these stories and they were

00:07:01.320 stories. Some of it was true. A lot of it was fabricated that she wasn't doing what she should be

00:07:06.560 doing. She wasn't showing up the way that she should show up. So what I did is I put it all on her.

00:07:15.160 But here's the catch, guys. When you blame your circumstances, your life, your problems on other

00:07:25.640 people, whether it's your wife or your boss or the president or the economy or whatever it is, whatever

00:07:30.860 your outlet is for blame, you simultaneously become weak. Think about that for a second.

00:07:40.900 Because what you think is you become strong. You become invincible. That it isn't your fault.

00:07:48.040 It's somebody else's fault. And if only they didn't do or only they behaved a certain way,

00:07:54.060 then you wouldn't be in this predicament. And so you feel powerful. You feel strong. You feel

00:08:01.060 invincible. It wasn't you. It wasn't your fault. But what if I told you that that mentality actually

00:08:07.640 makes you weak, pathetic, and incapable of solving the problem you're bumping up against? 1.00

00:08:16.320 Think about this. Bear with me on this. If it's somebody else's fault, if your relationship sucks 1.00

00:08:22.740 because your wife, 100% your wife, then what do you have to do? Well, you have to wait for her to 0.94

00:08:29.500 improve. You have to wait for her to get better. You have to wait for her to do whatever it is you

00:08:35.880 think she should be doing. And what a subservient position to put yourself in. To subject yourself

00:08:43.480 to the mercy of her. If the reason you don't have the advancement in your job, your work, your line

00:08:52.400 of work, your career is because your boss is an asshole, then you just made yourself subservient 1.00

00:09:00.040 to your boss. Right? I don't have what I want because my boss is dot, dot, dot, fill in the blank. 1.00

00:09:10.340 So what you're also saying is that if your boss wasn't so dot, dot, dot, then you would have what

00:09:17.740 you want. So now you're stuck waiting and hoping and praying that somehow this individual who you have

00:09:26.740 no control over will change who they are. And you're stuck shackled to the misery that you found

00:09:33.540 yourself in. So the ego that you have, and that's what we're doing is we're, we're preserving our,

00:09:41.720 our fragile egos. We'll be blamed things on other people. And we say, but Ryan, as Bubba points out,

00:09:48.040 my situation's unique. My wife really is a bitch. My boss really is an asshole. All of that may be true, 1.00

00:09:55.840 but guess what? Maybe you are too. Maybe your wife's not as big a bitch as you think. And maybe 1.00

00:10:02.060 you're the bitch. Maybe your boss isn't as big as an asshole as you think. And maybe you are the 1.00

00:10:08.840 asshole. Now that exposes some, some vulnerability, some chinks in the armor, if you will, right? 1.00

00:10:17.920 You aren't as good as you thought you were. You aren't as good as you led yourself to believe

00:10:23.800 that actually makes you powerful. Let me explain why. Because if you potentially for the first time

00:10:32.620 in your life, say, this is my responsibility, not fault, by the way, listen to the words that I'm using.

00:10:40.260 I did not say fault. This is my responsibility. Then you inherently and inevitably become more

00:10:48.820 powerful. What most men won't do, take responsibility, actually makes you more powerful.

00:11:00.140 Because let's say in this hypothetical scenario we're talking about, your wife comes to you and says,

00:11:05.020 Bill or Bob or Steve or Bubba or Ryan or whoever it is you are says, I'm not in love with you anymore.

00:11:15.220 Or you find a, an interesting text on her phone to some other guy.

00:11:23.780 And you say, you know, it's not my fault. And it isn't because everybody has their own agency.

00:11:27.900 She can make her choices. She's a big girl. She makes good choices and she makes bad choices,

00:11:32.820 just like you. But if you said, this is my responsibility because I committed to her

00:11:39.800 and I told her one thing that I would be the best husband that I could be for her. Oh, but Ryan,

00:11:45.600 she doesn't deserve it. I don't give a shit what you think she deserves. What I care about is you 1.00

00:11:52.160 being a man of your word and honoring your commitment to the best of your ability. Because I'll tell you

00:11:57.280 what, even if things don't work out and you decide deliberately and intentionally that you want

00:12:03.400 to be a man of your word and you want to do everything that you possibly can before things

00:12:08.080 end, you're going to put yourself in a better situation. So you say, you know what, her stepping

00:12:15.400 out on me or her falling out of love or whatever it may be, isn't your fault. Okay, fine. Maybe it is,

00:12:22.100 maybe it isn't. It's beside the point. What I want you to wrap your head around is it's now

00:12:26.140 your responsibility. So how do you make amends? How do you mend the ties that have been broken?

00:12:41.440 How do you rebuild the trust and the credibility and the authority and the influence and connection

00:12:47.600 with her? Here's where it's counterintuitive. Don't focus on her. That's what most of you will

00:12:56.120 do. How do I know this? Because that's what I did. And that's what I've seen thousands and

00:13:02.180 thousands of men do. And here's the interesting thing. The more you get her to change or attempt

00:13:07.340 to get her to change, the greater the wedge that you drive between her and you and the more annoying 1.00

00:13:13.320 you become and the less attractive you become because you're weak and you're pathetic and you 1.00

00:13:19.820 want to change other people and you're unwilling to change yourself. You cannot attract a woman 1.00

00:13:28.660 by getting her to change. How do you attract a woman? In this case, your spouse, you become 1.00

00:13:37.120 attractive. You become attractive. You become irresistible.

00:13:43.220 So what you need to do rather than focusing on herself, and here's the counterintuitive portion

00:13:51.300 of this. Rather than focusing on her, I said herself. I said that's like the thing. Rather than

00:13:58.500 focusing on her, I want you to focus on yourself. Specifically, I want you to get four key areas of

00:14:06.540 your life dialed in. Forget about her. What's done is done. Go to work on yourself. She will take

00:14:13.260 notice. I promise you, fellas, she will take notice. Listen to me. If she's not engaged, if she's

00:14:21.740 emotionally, mentally, or physically checked out, potentially even interested in somebody else,

00:14:27.220 she's not as present as she once was, she isn't attracted as she once was to you, making yourself

00:14:34.100 the man that you're capable of becoming will become very intriguing initially. She's going to

00:14:42.420 be intrigued. Then she's going to be enticed, and then you're going to become irresistible.

00:14:49.400 And even if you're not, let's say I'm 100% wrong on this, making yourself the best version that you

00:14:54.640 can possibly become, can become, is going to make you better. Like, that's the beauty of the advice

00:15:02.640 that I offer. I prognosticate on some things. Like, if you make yourself irresistible, then she'll be

00:15:08.320 attracted to you. That's a prognostication, right? I'm assuming that's the case. But let's say I'm

00:15:14.080 completely off. Okay, so are you telling me that making yourself stronger physically, mentally,

00:15:21.800 emotionally, getting your financial situation dialed in, getting your mind right isn't going to put you

00:15:26.200 in a better situation? Of course it is. So guys, those of you, and I'm assuming you tapped on this

00:15:31.660 because you're having some relationship problems, or you have in the past, or you anticipate that

00:15:35.800 you will in the future. The answer is not fix her, not focus on her, not give her gifts, and try to

00:15:42.620 woo her over, and try to win her over, and run around like a little puppy dog, trying to tell her how 0.99

00:15:47.920 much, and not serving her, and not being a little bitch. The answer is disengage. Not completely, 1.00

00:15:58.580 not entirely. I'm not telling you to absolve the responsibilities that you have. I'm just saying

00:16:02.980 disengage for a minute, and go to work on yourself in these four key areas. Number one, get your mind

00:16:10.180 and your soul right. Get your mind and your soul right. If you have to go to church, if you have to

00:16:19.460 crack open the scriptures, if you have to study the Buddhist monks, if you have to go be a monk

00:16:26.460 for a week, if you have to go on some ayahuasca trip, or whatever, I'm not going to tell you how to do

00:16:32.820 that, but start looking at the eternities. Start looking at how you fit into the grand scheme of

00:16:41.400 things. Getting your mind right, believing in yourself, knowing where you come from, knowing

00:16:49.620 where you want to go, knowing what needs to happen to get there. When you get your mind and your soul

00:16:55.080 right, everything else starts to come into play. So that's step number one, mind and soul. If you want

00:17:00.500 some action steps on that, let me know. Just leave me a comment, and I'll give you some action steps.

00:17:06.140 Number two, my phone's going to die here in a minute, so I might not get to that, but we will

00:17:10.280 listen to the podcast and other places. Number two is start formulating some relationships with other

00:17:17.580 men. Not her, not your kids. I'm not saying ignore them. You have obligations, but I'm saying find other

00:17:24.940 men who you are motivated and inspired by, who will say things to you that need to be said, who will

00:17:34.340 challenge you physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you have a hard time figuring out how to do this,

00:17:40.780 go train martial arts. Guys, I don't know. There's no guys in my area. Go train martial arts.

00:17:48.000 They're going to challenge you. At a minimum, they're going to challenge you physically,

00:17:50.800 which is going to challenge you emotionally. Go train martial arts. If you don't know how to do

00:17:55.780 this, go to your nearest martial arts gym and start training. Go to a practice session and start

00:18:02.020 training. That's how you do it. Find other men who you can grow with. You aren't going to become

00:18:11.740 more manly. You aren't going to become more of a man by clinging to her. You're going to become

00:18:19.640 a wimp. You're going to be subservient to her. That's not even what she's after. She wants to be 1.00

00:18:27.620 led by a man. You can't learn that from her. You have to learn it from other men. And guys will say,

00:18:33.700 well, right, real men don't need to learn from other men. Bullshit. That's the furthest thing from 1.00

00:18:39.620 the truth. It's a stupid thing to say and is destructive and dangerous because it paints you 1.00

00:18:45.660 as the lone wolf. And I got a bunch of guys in here in this Facebook group, almost 75, 76,000 of 1.00

00:18:51.660 us now who think that they're a lone wolf. And maybe you can make it out of this thing we call

00:18:55.860 life on your own. But I'm telling you what, it's always better with a pack. It's always better with

00:19:01.520 a tribe. It's always better with men in your corner who will give you a pat on the back and kick you in 0.95

00:19:06.900 the ass when you need it to. It's always better like that. We as human beings are hardwired. We're 1.00

00:19:13.000 social creatures. We're hardwired to operate in a, what Jack Donovan would call a gang. You can call

00:19:21.820 it a gang. You can call it a tribe, a band of brothers. I don't care what you call it, but you

00:19:26.720 got to have men in your corner, strong, motivated, ambitious men who will tell you congratulations

00:19:32.880 and celebrate with you when you win and who will say the painful truth of the circumstances

00:19:40.200 when you need to hear it. So again, mind, soul, right? Number one. Number two, get around other

00:19:49.460 men. Number three, get your fitness and your health dialed in. Cut out the alcohol, cut out the sugars,

00:19:58.240 the processed sugars, get the sleep you need, get strong, lift weights, do martial arts,

00:20:06.600 get the rest that you need, learn how to recover, drink a bunch of water. I'm not telling you guys

00:20:12.420 things you don't already know, but too many of you aren't doing it. Go to work every single day,

00:20:18.260 exercise, martial arts, walking around the field, drinking a bunch of water, cutting out the bullshit 0.99

00:20:24.240 that you don't need in your life. Get rid of the spare tire, put the muscle on. That's going to 0.99

00:20:31.060 improve your mind. That's going to improve your soul. You're going to find other men who are doing

00:20:35.240 this. These are all integrated, right? Get the fitness dialed in. The fourth thing, get your money

00:20:43.840 locked in. Get your money on point because here's what women are looking for. Generally, here's what 1.00

00:20:52.460 women are looking for. Somebody they think can take them to where they want to go. 1.00

00:21:01.040 That's what women are looking for. They're looking for safety. They're looking for security. 1.00

00:21:06.840 They're looking for opportunity. And are you the type of man who can present it? Because if you're

00:21:12.040 not, she'll go looking for it somewhere else. Or on a minimum, she'll go look for some sex. 1.00

00:21:15.820 But what she's looking for is to be taken care of. And are you capable of doing that? 0.77

00:21:24.060 If you're not, she's not going to be as interested. You're going to become less irresistible.

00:21:35.300 Guys, I'm not telling you things you don't know. But what a lot of you will do when your wife comes 0.79

00:21:39.920 to you and says, I don't know if this is going to work anymore. I don't know if I'm in love. I just

00:21:45.060 need some space. And maybe you find that text or that email from another guy and she's flirting with 0.75

00:21:50.680 a guy on social media. When that situation happens, a lot of you will turn to her. Please,

00:21:57.060 please come back. Love me. I just want you to love me and care for me. How do I know? Because this is

00:22:01.540 what I did, guys. I did this. That's embarrassing to say because I know how it comes across as I see

00:22:10.280 it in some of you. Please, I can change. Help me. Oh, I need you in my life. That's not what she wants.

00:22:17.900 I'll tell you when things changed for my wife and I. And it did change because we've been married now

00:22:24.540 for 16 years this year. We separated for about three or four months. And we had a long uphill battle

00:22:35.900 to fix our relationship.

00:22:38.180 It changed when I said, you know what? I didn't say this, by the way, but my actions and my demeanor

00:22:47.320 said this. I don't need you. That's an interesting thing. I don't need you. I want you. I would love

00:23:00.000 for you to be in my life. I love you. But I sure as shit don't need you. You don't complete me.

00:23:10.340 I, I, a happy wife, happy life thing. I don't subscribe to that. I don't need you, but I want you.

00:23:17.880 That's powerful. That's attractive. Women like that. Women want that. They want a strong, 1.00

00:23:29.340 bold, assertive, capable man. And you can't do that by getting down on your knees and say,

00:23:33.740 please just give me another chance. Guys, fix your shit. That's the answer. I'm passionate about this 1.00

00:23:41.420 because I know that's the path. And so many of you won't do it. What do you need me to do? I'll do

00:23:48.300 whatever. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll just give me another chance. No, go fix yourself. Get

00:23:54.540 your mind right. Get your soul right. Build relationships with other men. Get your and get your money

00:24:06.120 situation taken care of. She'll start to take notice. She'll be intrigued. Then she'll be

00:24:13.360 enticed. Then you'll be irresistible. And even if I'm a hundred percent wrong on how she'll respond

00:24:19.180 and guys, I might be okay. Let's just assume that I am. I might be maybe it's too far gone. Maybe,

00:24:25.520 maybe she's already checked out and there's, there's no return from this, which is a harsh,

00:24:30.760 but sad reality in, in a lot of situations. So I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news,

00:24:38.200 but some, for some of you, that's the case. My advice is still right. My advice is still

00:24:48.200 accurate. My advice will still serve you. Get your mind and your soul, right? Find and build

00:25:00.000 a band of brothers, get your fitness dialed in, get your money situation squared away

00:25:06.640 and everything will get better. Do not focus on her. Don't ignore her. I'm not saying that.

00:25:15.600 Say don't focus all of your attention and energy on her and begin to focus more on you. Maybe it's

00:25:21.800 80%. Maybe it's 90% focus on you versus focus on her. And as she sees that you are improving

00:25:29.320 yourself, she'll be more attractive, which by the way, puts you in a powerful position.

00:25:35.320 Do I still want this woman? Cause right now she's got all the cards. 1.00

00:25:40.920 She's holding all the cards. I want you to hold all the cards. Do I even want this woman? 1.00

00:25:45.980 Is this a woman I think that I can partner with who will get me to a place where I want 1.00

00:25:54.760 to go and we can do this together? I want you to hold the cards. Ultimately, I want you

00:26:03.300 to hold the card together. So you're all playing the same hand. That's what I want. My wife

00:26:07.520 and I are playing the same hand. I don't hold all the cards. She doesn't hold all the cards.

00:26:11.780 We're playing the same hand. But for now you gave her all of the cards. Please just come

00:26:18.340 back. I can change. I can be the man that you want me to be. Happy wife, happy life. What

00:26:23.900 do you need me to do? And it sounds pathetic and it is pathetic and it doesn't work. So 0.99

00:26:31.940 you become the little bitch boy over here on the side while she's getting her other piece 1.00

00:26:35.140 somewhere else. She's got all the cards. Take some of the cards back, guys. Focus on 1.00

00:26:43.160 yourself. I'm not saying be a dick. I'm not saying be an asshole. I'm not talking about 1.00

00:26:51.240 this whole misguided like extreme red pill Meg Tao thing. Okay, that's not what I'm talking

00:26:57.700 about. I'm saying become the man that you're capable of becoming so you can serve yourself

00:27:02.640 and as a byproduct can serve her and the other people that you love and care about in your

00:27:07.080 life. Your kids, your friends, your colleagues, your coworkers, her, et cetera, et cetera.

00:27:12.360 That's how it's done, guys. Not an easy path. Not an easy path. It took me a long time to

00:27:20.180 figure this. I had to figure this out the hard way. But you guys don't have to. Hopefully.

00:27:24.300 Okay? But you got to do it. That's tough and it's rough and it's brutal because it's

00:27:31.180 counterintuitive. You want to get in there and mess everything up in your relationship.

00:27:36.040 I just got to manipulate and tweak and fix and change her. Nope. Focus on yourself.

00:27:41.460 On that note, I'm going to go you did it with my family. Catch you guys soon.

00:27:45.800 Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take charge of your

00:27:50.020 life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the Order at orderofman.com.

Order of Man - October 16, 2020

Counter-Intuitive But Powerful Advice for Fixing Your Relationship with Your Wife ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

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