Courage > Confidence ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES
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Summary
Too often, men will often say that they just need more confidence. And guys, you don t. This is why I titled this episode and this conversation today is that courage is greater than confidence. It's more important than you think. And then I m going to call you to action to take more courage because ultimately what we need in society is men who can act courageously and bold, do what they want, assert themselves in a righteous and virtuous way, and serve themselves, their families, businesses, and their communities.
Transcript
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You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart
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your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.
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You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who
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you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,
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you can call yourself a man. One of the biggest hang-ups that I often hear for so many men
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is that they don't have the type of confidence that they want. They're not confident with women.
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They're not confident with asking for a promotion or not confident in asking for the sale. They're
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not confident in themselves, enough to assert themselves, to uphold boundaries, to reinforce
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expectations they have of others. And I'm here to tell you guys that if this is something that
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you deal with, it might be because you're looking at it all wrong. It might be that because you
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believe that you're entitled to a level of confidence. And once you have that level of
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confidence, whatever that arbitrary level of confidence is, then you'll have everything you
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need to succeed. I'm here to tell you that the most confident men in the world do not feel entitled
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to confidence. It is something that they earn every day through their thoughts, their behaviors,
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their actions, and making sure all of those things are in alignment. Too often, men will often say
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that they just need more confidence. And guys, you don't. This is why I titled this episode and
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this conversation today is that courage is greater than confidence. It's more important.
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You cannot decide to be confident today. Anything else might be ego. It might be posturing. It might be
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arrogance. It might be pride. It might be manufactured and contrived. But one thing that you can do just
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because you make the choice is you can decide to be courageous. The beautiful thing about being
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courageous in your life, whether it's asking a woman on a date, asking for a promotion, starting a
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business, picking up a new hobby, is that you simply have to decide. There's no prerequisite to it.
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In fact, there might actually be now that I say the prerequisite and a prerequisite is that you're
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uncomfortable, that you don't have the confidence that you need in order to thrive and succeed and
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excel. If you're lacking that, the answer, the solution is not more confidence. The solution
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is more courage. We're going to talk about five ways that you can develop and bolster your courage in
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your life. And then I'm going to call you to action to take more courage because ultimately what we need
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in society is men who can act courageously and bold, step up, do what they want, assert themselves in
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a righteous and virtuous way and serve themselves, their families, their businesses, and their
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communities. Guys, if you don't know what we're doing here, my name is Ryan Michler. I'm the host
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and the founder of this podcast and the movement Order of Man. It's my job and my mission at this
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point to give you all the tools, resources, and conversations that you need to thrive as a husband,
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a father, a business owner, a community leader, a man in general. So if that's what you're trying to
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do, whether you've been with us for years or just finding us now, welcome here. And I hope this
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serves you in some way. Guys, let's talk about five ways that you can bolster your courage and act
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more courageously and in turn build the confidence that so many of us desire and believe that we have
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to have. Again, I want to say and reiterate, you're not entitled to confidence. A lot of people think
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that just because they're going to start something, maybe it's a new hobby or a new activity or a new
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business venture that they should just be confident in it. You can't be confident in something that
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you've never done. Now you can borrow from other endeavors that you've embarked upon and other
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successes that you have, but you can't be confident in something you've never done before, but it's okay
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because it's not really anything you need to act. What you need to do is act courageously. So number
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one is I tend to look at my life as opportunities and moments for me to fail, for me to experiment,
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for me to try new things. And in a way, look at this thing that we call life as a game. And I know
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there are real world consequences to our thoughts, behaviors, and actions. But if you look at life as
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more of a game, something to be played, something to try, strategies and tactics to employ, I think
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you're going to have an easier time giving yourself the permission that you need to act courageously.
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If you believe that in every instance, in every interaction that you could possibly have with
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another person or something else is a life or death scenario, you're putting undue pressure,
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stress, and weight on what really doesn't need to be all that difficult. One thing I often hear,
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for example, is men who struggle with approaching women. And if you're not acting courageously by
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seeing an attractive woman, talking with her, trying to get her phone number, asking her out on a date,
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maybe it's because you're operating from a scarcity mindset. And you believe that if she says no,
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or you get rejected, that she's the only woman on the planet. And therefore your life is over.
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Now, obviously we know that not to be the case. There's plenty of women. There's plenty of
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opportunities to find romantic interests and partnerships. And it's okay. If one woman turns
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you down, it's okay. If the business you're trying to start doesn't really take off the way that you want
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it to. It's okay. If you get passed over for the promotion. Now, none of that feels good. And I'm
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not saying that we should settle with the rejection or the failure. I'm just saying it's a natural and
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inevitable part of life. So let's stop looking at this quote unquote failure we may experience or the
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rejection that we might feel as an unnecessary weight. Give yourself permission to fail.
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Give yourself permission to experiment, to try new things and see if it works. And if it doesn't,
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that's okay. You learn something that you can do better next time. And you can employ different
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strategies, tactics, ideas, so that you can have more favorable results in the future. And obviously
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we talk a lot about that in other episodes today. I'm just talking about being courageous and having
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the mindset of play experimentation and not putting unnecessary weight on scenarios that don't need it
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is going to play huge dividends for you. Number two, the answer to being more courageous is just
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making good, courageous decisions. It's simply a decision. You get to choose every day whether or
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not you want to be courageous. As I said earlier, you can't decide if you're going to be confident,
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right? And people will say, Oh, do you got to act the part? That's your acting, right? You don't fake
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it till you make it. It's something we often hear too. You don't have the confidence. So you have to
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fake it until you earn it. But with courage, you can just get up today and decide, Hey, you know what?
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That attractive woman that works in the other office in my building, I'm going to actually
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approach her today. You can just make that decision. You can make a decision today to go into the gym for
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the very first time in a very long time, despite how you may feel uncomfortable and fearful and avoid
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it. You just make the decision. You can make the decision to have an uncomfortable, but much needed
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conversation with your spouse or with your children or with a boss or a potential client. You get to make
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that decision. What's interesting is that the more you make these decisions, the less relevant they
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really become because you begin to realize that they're not as scary. They're not as dangerous or,
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or, you know, nasty as you've made them out to be in many cases, when you exhibit this level of
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courage, even if the result isn't as favorable as you would like, you realize, man, this is not the end
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of the world. And I made a bigger deal out of this situation that I needed to. The quote you often hear
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is we suffer more in imagination than in reality. How many of you have made the thing that's sitting
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in front of you, this big, hairy, audacious, you know, villain, super villain that, uh, is,
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is an insurmountable task or just a threat to your, your, your wellbeing or your livelihood or your life
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even. And then you go have that difficult conversation and you walk away feeling pretty
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good about it. You go ask that woman on a date and whether she says yes or no, you feel pretty good
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about it because you asserted yourself and you were bold and courageous guys decide today. What
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kind of man are you going to be? Are you going to be a man who cowers and hides and runs away from
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confrontation or runs away from the very things that he knows he should be doing. And I'll tell
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you what, I think this is a major cause of anxiety, stress, and depression for men. We have this idea in
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our minds of the kind of man that we are and the kind of men that we want to show up as. And yet in
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our daily practices, we're not living up to that ideal. We're not doing what that kind of man does
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and that discrepancy between who you are, who you want to be and what you're doing. What I call the
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integrity gap is so large that it creates this confusion and this frustration. I felt it. I felt it
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when my businesses aren't doing well. I felt it when I'm out of shape. I felt it when relationships
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aren't working. And more often than not, it has to do with my own integrity gap than it does the
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external factors. Bridge the integrity gap. You do that by making the decision to get up and go to
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the gym because you said you would. That's a courageous move. Now it's nothing to write home
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about necessarily. And it's different for everybody else. I'm not going to say what's courageous for me
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isn't courageous for you or vice versa, but ultimately making those small decisions like
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going to the gym, like actually launching the podcast or the business you've been talking about
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for years, like asking for the promotion or some feedback at work or having that difficult
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conversation with your spouse or picking up that new hobby, but you haven't because you don't want to
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look foolish. Those are things that you can do simply because you want to, and there's no other
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prerequisite required. Number three, guys, put yourself around courageous people. The more you're
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around risk takers, and I'm not saying to be wild and crazy and take unnecessary risks and potentially
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lose resources or relationships just because you want to act courageously, but there are people who are
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more courageous than others. They're bold, they're assertive, they know what they want, they're really
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willing to risk their resources, time, money, energy, et cetera, on the things that they believe
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in. The more you spend time with these individuals, the more likely it is that you're going to start
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acting courageously because you're going to pick up on their behaviors. This is just culture. If you're
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around cowards, people who are afraid to take risks, people who think the world is out to get them so
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they don't take action, people who hide and slink away when confronted or faced with adversity or
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challenge, you're probably going to be very similar in your life. If on the other hand, you're around
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high producers, business owners, investors, people who have hobbies and interests and are willing to
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try new things, then you are naturally and inevitably going to become more like those individuals. The real
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question is, where do you find these people? Well, you find them around the places where you know you
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ought to be. For example, they're at the gym, they're at business luncheons, they're at chamber
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of commerce, they're investing in courses and events that you want to be part of that you know you should
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be too, but you're not because you're not acting courageously. That's where those people are. And so
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when you find somebody like that, who's a business owner or successful with relationships or successful
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with the way their physical appearance is, you know that that's an individual who is courageous enough
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and you ought to find a way to put yourself in the environment of those people. The best and easiest
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way to do is to pay for it, is to buy a program, to go to an event, to invest in an experience that
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somebody you admire and respect is putting on and then put yourself in proximity with those individuals,
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ask them great questions, be courageous by asking them questions and engaging because you're going to
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learn how they do what they do. You're going to learn their mindsets, their strategies, how they overcome
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their own obstacles and fears. And trust me guys, they have them. I've had so many incredible people
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on this podcast and every single person I've had on this podcast has fears, has doubts, has concerns.
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And yet in spite of that, they've acted courageously to overcome their fears, their doubts, and their
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concerns. Don't think for a second that just because somebody you listen to or follow or admire is
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successful, that they're free from that adversity. They're not. They've just learned how to overcome
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it. And you can learn that too. And the best way to do that is to put yourself in a position
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around these individuals so you can learn how they think and how they do what they do.
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Guys, number four, practice. All right. We all know practice makes perfect. So the more you practice
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being courageous, the easier it becomes. In fact, it's kind of interesting and a bit ironic
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because the easier it becomes to make these types of decisions, the less courageous you have to be
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to exhibit them because there's less fear. Somebody who has an immense amount of fear is
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more courageous than a person who might engage in the same behavior, but has no fear about it
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whatsoever. For example, if you decide, Hey, I want to take up jujitsu and you go to jujitsu to train
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tonight as your very first session. If you are fearful of that, you are exhibiting more courage than the
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guy who maybe has gone for the last 10, 15, 20 years. He's not exhibiting courage because he's
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not afraid. Isn't that ironic? The more you practice courage, the less that you need of it
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because you're not as afraid of making bold, assertive decisions in your life. So the thing
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that you need to do is you need to practice being courageous in low risks and low, excuse me, low risk
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environments. So that might be something as simple as when everybody at the office decides to go get
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lunch together and they're all mumbling and taking forever about where they're going to go to lunch.
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You're going to step up and say, Hey, I'd like to go to XYZ restaurant. That's bold. And that takes a
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level of courage because you're putting yourself in front of the group. You're risking rejection,
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right? Because if people don't want to go there, they can reject that. And you're potentially
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ostracizing yourself even to some degree from the group. So there's a risk associated with it,
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but you can do these things in low risk environments. If your wife is asking you where
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to eat, make a decision. If you know, you have to have a conversation with your child,
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have that conversation. If you want to know how you're doing at work, ask your boss for an
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evaluation or review. If you want to know how your bank account is doing, exercise the courage to pull
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it up. If you want to know how you're doing with regards to your health, you could even do something
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as simple as jumping on the scale. And that might be something that you need to exhibit some courage
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with because you know, it's getting out of hand and you've been unwilling to look at it for weeks,
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months, maybe even years. Guys, we can practice being courageous in low risk environments. And again,
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I want to reiterate, the beautiful thing is the more you do this, the less courage you actually need
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to take these kinds of actions. There's things that I can do in my life that I'm not afraid of
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anymore because I know how to act in the face of fear relative to somebody who hasn't yet practiced
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and become a master at overcoming his own fears, doubts, and insecurities. Guys, number five is that
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we can hedge the risk in our lives by operating in abundance and developing sovereignty in our lives.
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Let me give you an example. If you are not an attractive person, and I'm not just talking about
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your physical appearance, but I'm talking about your demeanor, the way you carry yourself,
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your physique because you're not in shape. If you're that kind of person and you are not
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an attractive, compelling person to women, for example, then you are going to be operating in a
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scarcity mindset. And the first woman who comes into your life that gives you any amount of attention,
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you're going to fall in love with her and want to marry her because that's your only option.
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Whether she's good for you or not, that's your only option. If however, you get fit, you get strong,
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you work on your physique, you work on becoming financially independent, you learn how to communicate
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effectively, you learn some interpersonal communication skills, you become more of a prospect
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to more women. And because you have a larger pool of women to potentially draw from, you're not as
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concerned with being rejected by one person who happens to turn you down. It's the same thing with
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work. If you are so reliant because you're living paycheck to paycheck on your current job that you can't
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run the risk of even losing your job, because if you do, you can't pay the mortgage, you can't pay the
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car payment, your kids will go hungry, there won't be a roof over their head. I mean, those are very
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real concerns. But if you're operating from that position, you'll never do and say what needs to be
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done and said. You'll never dare to challenge a supervisor in a healthy, respectful way. I want to
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throw that out there. You'll never dare ask for a promotion or ask for an evaluation because you're so
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afraid of rocking the boat because what if you lose your job, right? That's a real risk. If you haven't
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built up your financial prosperity. So guys, the best way that you can hedge against the risk
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associated with starting a new business, asking a woman on a date, picking up a new hobby interest,
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asking for a promotion, the best way to hedge against that is to live in abundance by making
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the right decisions on a daily basis to get out of debt, to get in shape, to develop a band of
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brothers, to get your financial house in order, to pay off the debt that you have, and to live the
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life that you know you're capable of living. When you do that, the risk that you would otherwise take
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don't seem so risky because being rejected by a woman isn't the end of the world. Getting passed
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over for a promotion isn't the end of the world. Losing that one client, but knowing that you have
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a thousand other clients to draw from isn't going to be the end of the world.
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Guys, we want to operate from a position of abundance and we do that by bridging the integrity
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gap that I talked about earlier. Guys, I want to close by saying this. We've got to get this
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mindset, this idea out of our head that in order to operate the way that we want to operate,
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we just need to be confident. You can't manufacture that. You can't fake it. Sure, you can fake it till
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you make it, but that's not confidence. That's courage. And that's the only thing you need to take
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action. So I told you I was going to give you a challenge and here's my challenge to you.
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I'd like you to make a list right now, if you can, if you're in the position to,
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of all the things that you know you should be doing, hobbies, activities, interests,
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conversations. I want you to write all of those things down. I don't want you to disqualify any
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of them. I don't want you to think too much about any of them. I just want you to write down
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everything that you know you should be doing, that you want to be doing, but you haven't yet done.
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Once you have that list and let's say it's five items or 10 or even 20 items deep,
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I want you to pick one of those things today. If it's asking for the promotion,
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ask for the promotion. If it's asking a client for the sale or calling up a client and asking if they
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have more business for you, then that's what you should do. If it's approaching that woman you've
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had your eye on for months, do that today. If it's having a difficult conversation with your
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child that is not going to be comfortable, but you know it needs to be had, then have that
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conversation today. Pick one. And then tomorrow you can pick another one. The next day, another one.
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And before you know it, you're stringing all of these wins together. You're bridging the integrity
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gap. You're becoming a man of value. You're moving. You're aligning your thoughts with your
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behaviors. And of course, the result that will come from it. And that is when you develop confidence.
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One last thing. When you start to develop confidence towards a thing, towards yourself,
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having confidence in yourself, courage becomes easier. You can take bigger risks because you're
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confident to do it. And you know that whatever comes your way won't completely derail you.
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Might be challenging. Might be difficult. Might be scary. But you know because you've got a track
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record of success and a resume for winning, that you can always fall back on that. Guys,
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I hope that serves you. Let me recap here. Number one, just giving yourself permission to fail and
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experiment in life. Stop taking everything so seriously. Yes, there are things that we should
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take seriously, but not everything is as serious or heavy as we make it out to be. Number two,
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just make those good, courageous choices today. I think being courageous is a virtuous lifestyle.
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In fact, being courageous is more virtuous than anything related to confidence because you can't,
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you have to earn confidence. It's not something you do. You have to earn it. Number three,
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put yourself around courageous people. Go where those people are. Number four, practice being courageous
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in low risk environments by speaking up and asserting yourself. And then number five,
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hedge your risks by operating from a place of abundance and developing sovereignty. Guys,
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I hope that serves you. If you want to know more about what we're doing, you can head to
00:22:08.780
orderofman.com or probably even better is to follow me on Instagram where I'm most active
00:22:14.880
at Ryan Mickler. Connect with me there. Shoot me a message. Let me know what you think about this.
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And if there's people in your life who need to hear this message of being courageous over being
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confident, then I would suggest that you share this with them. I feel like if we have a resource
00:22:30.260
or a program or a solution to people's problems, then we have a responsibility and obligation to
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share it with those people who will be impacted positively by the work that we could share.
00:22:40.600
So please, if you would share, it goes a long way in promoting this movement to reclaim and restore
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manliness in this society that needs it now more than ever.
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I see so many men out there who are not acting courageously. And I can't help but think,
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what are we as a society missing when millions and millions of men are unwilling and unable to act
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on the type of man they want to be? Guys, that's what I've got for you today. We'll be back next week
00:23:06.160
for our interview. Until then, go out there, take action, act courageously, and become the man you
00:23:12.440
are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take
00:23:18.000
charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order