Order of Man - Courage > Confidence ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

00:00:00.000 You're a man of action. You live life to the fullest, embrace your fears, and boldly chart

00:00:04.980 your own path. When life knocks you down, you get back up one more time, every time.

00:00:10.420 You are not easily deterred or defeated, rugged, resilient, strong. This is your life. This is who

00:00:17.200 you are. This is who you will become. At the end of the day, and after all is said and done,

00:00:22.780 you can call yourself a man. One of the biggest hang-ups that I often hear for so many men

00:00:27.920 is that they don't have the type of confidence that they want. They're not confident with women.

00:00:33.180 They're not confident with asking for a promotion or not confident in asking for the sale. They're

00:00:38.080 not confident in themselves, enough to assert themselves, to uphold boundaries, to reinforce

00:00:44.480 expectations they have of others. And I'm here to tell you guys that if this is something that

00:00:48.800 you deal with, it might be because you're looking at it all wrong. It might be that because you

00:00:54.880 believe that you're entitled to a level of confidence. And once you have that level of

00:01:01.000 confidence, whatever that arbitrary level of confidence is, then you'll have everything you

00:01:06.260 need to succeed. I'm here to tell you that the most confident men in the world do not feel entitled

00:01:12.180 to confidence. It is something that they earn every day through their thoughts, their behaviors,

00:01:17.460 their actions, and making sure all of those things are in alignment. Too often, men will often say

00:01:24.100 that they just need more confidence. And guys, you don't. This is why I titled this episode and

00:01:30.400 this conversation today is that courage is greater than confidence. It's more important.

00:01:37.100 You cannot decide to be confident today. Anything else might be ego. It might be posturing. It might be

00:01:44.000 arrogance. It might be pride. It might be manufactured and contrived. But one thing that you can do just

00:01:49.900 because you make the choice is you can decide to be courageous. The beautiful thing about being

00:01:54.700 courageous in your life, whether it's asking a woman on a date, asking for a promotion, starting a

00:01:59.920 business, picking up a new hobby, is that you simply have to decide. There's no prerequisite to it.

00:02:06.540 In fact, there might actually be now that I say the prerequisite and a prerequisite is that you're

00:02:10.780 uncomfortable, that you don't have the confidence that you need in order to thrive and succeed and

00:02:17.100 excel. If you're lacking that, the answer, the solution is not more confidence. The solution

00:02:22.380 is more courage. We're going to talk about five ways that you can develop and bolster your courage in

00:02:28.820 your life. And then I'm going to call you to action to take more courage because ultimately what we need

00:02:33.920 in society is men who can act courageously and bold, step up, do what they want, assert themselves in

00:02:41.060 a righteous and virtuous way and serve themselves, their families, their businesses, and their

00:02:45.900 communities. Guys, if you don't know what we're doing here, my name is Ryan Michler. I'm the host

00:02:50.060 and the founder of this podcast and the movement Order of Man. It's my job and my mission at this

00:02:56.380 point to give you all the tools, resources, and conversations that you need to thrive as a husband,

00:03:02.000 a father, a business owner, a community leader, a man in general. So if that's what you're trying to

00:03:06.940 do, whether you've been with us for years or just finding us now, welcome here. And I hope this

00:03:12.560 serves you in some way. Guys, let's talk about five ways that you can bolster your courage and act

00:03:18.400 more courageously and in turn build the confidence that so many of us desire and believe that we have

00:03:24.220 to have. Again, I want to say and reiterate, you're not entitled to confidence. A lot of people think

00:03:29.400 that just because they're going to start something, maybe it's a new hobby or a new activity or a new

00:03:35.680 business venture that they should just be confident in it. You can't be confident in something that

00:03:40.400 you've never done. Now you can borrow from other endeavors that you've embarked upon and other

00:03:46.660 successes that you have, but you can't be confident in something you've never done before, but it's okay

00:03:52.020 because it's not really anything you need to act. What you need to do is act courageously. So number

00:03:57.100 one is I tend to look at my life as opportunities and moments for me to fail, for me to experiment,

00:04:06.780 for me to try new things. And in a way, look at this thing that we call life as a game. And I know

00:04:13.980 there are real world consequences to our thoughts, behaviors, and actions. But if you look at life as

00:04:20.660 more of a game, something to be played, something to try, strategies and tactics to employ, I think

00:04:28.760 you're going to have an easier time giving yourself the permission that you need to act courageously.

00:04:34.160 If you believe that in every instance, in every interaction that you could possibly have with

00:04:39.560 another person or something else is a life or death scenario, you're putting undue pressure,

00:04:45.780 stress, and weight on what really doesn't need to be all that difficult. One thing I often hear,

00:04:52.000 for example, is men who struggle with approaching women. And if you're not acting courageously by

00:04:57.800 seeing an attractive woman, talking with her, trying to get her phone number, asking her out on a date,

00:05:02.920 maybe it's because you're operating from a scarcity mindset. And you believe that if she says no,

00:05:08.080 or you get rejected, that she's the only woman on the planet. And therefore your life is over.

00:05:13.280 Now, obviously we know that not to be the case. There's plenty of women. There's plenty of 1.00

00:05:19.680 opportunities to find romantic interests and partnerships. And it's okay. If one woman turns 0.97

00:05:26.700 you down, it's okay. If the business you're trying to start doesn't really take off the way that you want

00:05:32.420 it to. It's okay. If you get passed over for the promotion. Now, none of that feels good. And I'm

00:05:37.640 not saying that we should settle with the rejection or the failure. I'm just saying it's a natural and

00:05:43.220 inevitable part of life. So let's stop looking at this quote unquote failure we may experience or the

00:05:49.140 rejection that we might feel as an unnecessary weight. Give yourself permission to fail.

00:05:56.480 Give yourself permission to experiment, to try new things and see if it works. And if it doesn't,

00:06:01.560 that's okay. You learn something that you can do better next time. And you can employ different

00:06:05.580 strategies, tactics, ideas, so that you can have more favorable results in the future. And obviously

00:06:10.840 we talk a lot about that in other episodes today. I'm just talking about being courageous and having

00:06:15.560 the mindset of play experimentation and not putting unnecessary weight on scenarios that don't need it

00:06:22.560 is going to play huge dividends for you. Number two, the answer to being more courageous is just

00:06:29.400 making good, courageous decisions. It's simply a decision. You get to choose every day whether or

00:06:36.660 not you want to be courageous. As I said earlier, you can't decide if you're going to be confident,

00:06:42.380 right? And people will say, Oh, do you got to act the part? That's your acting, right? You don't fake

00:06:48.680 it till you make it. It's something we often hear too. You don't have the confidence. So you have to

00:06:53.740 fake it until you earn it. But with courage, you can just get up today and decide, Hey, you know what?

00:07:00.300 That attractive woman that works in the other office in my building, I'm going to actually 1.00

00:07:06.900 approach her today. You can just make that decision. You can make a decision today to go into the gym for

00:07:13.700 the very first time in a very long time, despite how you may feel uncomfortable and fearful and avoid

00:07:20.000 it. You just make the decision. You can make the decision to have an uncomfortable, but much needed

00:07:25.900 conversation with your spouse or with your children or with a boss or a potential client. You get to make

00:07:33.440 that decision. What's interesting is that the more you make these decisions, the less relevant they

00:07:38.880 really become because you begin to realize that they're not as scary. They're not as dangerous or,

00:07:44.400 or, you know, nasty as you've made them out to be in many cases, when you exhibit this level of

00:07:51.340 courage, even if the result isn't as favorable as you would like, you realize, man, this is not the end

00:07:57.020 of the world. And I made a bigger deal out of this situation that I needed to. The quote you often hear

00:08:04.460 is we suffer more in imagination than in reality. How many of you have made the thing that's sitting

00:08:10.360 in front of you, this big, hairy, audacious, you know, villain, super villain that, uh, is,

00:08:17.140 is an insurmountable task or just a threat to your, your, your wellbeing or your livelihood or your life

00:08:24.100 even. And then you go have that difficult conversation and you walk away feeling pretty

00:08:28.060 good about it. You go ask that woman on a date and whether she says yes or no, you feel pretty good 1.00

00:08:33.340 about it because you asserted yourself and you were bold and courageous guys decide today. What

00:08:39.220 kind of man are you going to be? Are you going to be a man who cowers and hides and runs away from

00:08:44.600 confrontation or runs away from the very things that he knows he should be doing. And I'll tell

00:08:49.140 you what, I think this is a major cause of anxiety, stress, and depression for men. We have this idea in

00:08:56.640 our minds of the kind of man that we are and the kind of men that we want to show up as. And yet in

00:09:02.080 our daily practices, we're not living up to that ideal. We're not doing what that kind of man does

00:09:08.540 and that discrepancy between who you are, who you want to be and what you're doing. What I call the

00:09:15.460 integrity gap is so large that it creates this confusion and this frustration. I felt it. I felt it

00:09:23.100 when my businesses aren't doing well. I felt it when I'm out of shape. I felt it when relationships

00:09:27.740 aren't working. And more often than not, it has to do with my own integrity gap than it does the

00:09:33.740 external factors. Bridge the integrity gap. You do that by making the decision to get up and go to

00:09:40.000 the gym because you said you would. That's a courageous move. Now it's nothing to write home

00:09:44.020 about necessarily. And it's different for everybody else. I'm not going to say what's courageous for me

00:09:48.140 isn't courageous for you or vice versa, but ultimately making those small decisions like

00:09:55.720 going to the gym, like actually launching the podcast or the business you've been talking about

00:10:00.700 for years, like asking for the promotion or some feedback at work or having that difficult

00:10:06.280 conversation with your spouse or picking up that new hobby, but you haven't because you don't want to 0.98

00:10:10.500 look foolish. Those are things that you can do simply because you want to, and there's no other

00:10:16.220 prerequisite required. Number three, guys, put yourself around courageous people. The more you're

00:10:23.860 around risk takers, and I'm not saying to be wild and crazy and take unnecessary risks and potentially

00:10:31.580 lose resources or relationships just because you want to act courageously, but there are people who are

00:10:40.100 more courageous than others. They're bold, they're assertive, they know what they want, they're really

00:10:45.340 willing to risk their resources, time, money, energy, et cetera, on the things that they believe

00:10:51.860 in. The more you spend time with these individuals, the more likely it is that you're going to start

00:10:56.740 acting courageously because you're going to pick up on their behaviors. This is just culture. If you're

00:11:02.700 around cowards, people who are afraid to take risks, people who think the world is out to get them so 0.69

00:11:08.880 they don't take action, people who hide and slink away when confronted or faced with adversity or

00:11:14.360 challenge, you're probably going to be very similar in your life. If on the other hand, you're around

00:11:19.580 high producers, business owners, investors, people who have hobbies and interests and are willing to

00:11:26.520 try new things, then you are naturally and inevitably going to become more like those individuals. The real

00:11:33.360 question is, where do you find these people? Well, you find them around the places where you know you

00:11:39.420 ought to be. For example, they're at the gym, they're at business luncheons, they're at chamber

00:11:44.860 of commerce, they're investing in courses and events that you want to be part of that you know you should

00:11:50.520 be too, but you're not because you're not acting courageously. That's where those people are. And so

00:11:55.180 when you find somebody like that, who's a business owner or successful with relationships or successful

00:12:01.840 with the way their physical appearance is, you know that that's an individual who is courageous enough

00:12:07.260 and you ought to find a way to put yourself in the environment of those people. The best and easiest

00:12:11.780 way to do is to pay for it, is to buy a program, to go to an event, to invest in an experience that

00:12:19.960 somebody you admire and respect is putting on and then put yourself in proximity with those individuals,

00:12:25.500 ask them great questions, be courageous by asking them questions and engaging because you're going to

00:12:30.100 learn how they do what they do. You're going to learn their mindsets, their strategies, how they overcome

00:12:35.500 their own obstacles and fears. And trust me guys, they have them. I've had so many incredible people

00:12:40.580 on this podcast and every single person I've had on this podcast has fears, has doubts, has concerns.

00:12:48.380 And yet in spite of that, they've acted courageously to overcome their fears, their doubts, and their

00:12:54.340 concerns. Don't think for a second that just because somebody you listen to or follow or admire is

00:12:59.120 successful, that they're free from that adversity. They're not. They've just learned how to overcome

00:13:03.880 it. And you can learn that too. And the best way to do that is to put yourself in a position

00:13:07.960 around these individuals so you can learn how they think and how they do what they do.

00:13:13.260 Guys, number four, practice. All right. We all know practice makes perfect. So the more you practice

00:13:19.340 being courageous, the easier it becomes. In fact, it's kind of interesting and a bit ironic

00:13:24.360 because the easier it becomes to make these types of decisions, the less courageous you have to be

00:13:29.620 to exhibit them because there's less fear. Somebody who has an immense amount of fear is

00:13:36.160 more courageous than a person who might engage in the same behavior, but has no fear about it

00:13:41.060 whatsoever. For example, if you decide, Hey, I want to take up jujitsu and you go to jujitsu to train

00:13:48.780 tonight as your very first session. If you are fearful of that, you are exhibiting more courage than the

00:13:56.320 guy who maybe has gone for the last 10, 15, 20 years. He's not exhibiting courage because he's

00:14:02.520 not afraid. Isn't that ironic? The more you practice courage, the less that you need of it

00:14:07.960 because you're not as afraid of making bold, assertive decisions in your life. So the thing

00:14:13.360 that you need to do is you need to practice being courageous in low risks and low, excuse me, low risk

00:14:19.300 environments. So that might be something as simple as when everybody at the office decides to go get

00:14:25.200 lunch together and they're all mumbling and taking forever about where they're going to go to lunch.

00:14:29.960 You're going to step up and say, Hey, I'd like to go to XYZ restaurant. That's bold. And that takes a

00:14:36.400 level of courage because you're putting yourself in front of the group. You're risking rejection,

00:14:41.700 right? Because if people don't want to go there, they can reject that. And you're potentially

00:14:46.320 ostracizing yourself even to some degree from the group. So there's a risk associated with it,

00:14:50.840 but you can do these things in low risk environments. If your wife is asking you where

00:14:56.000 to eat, make a decision. If you know, you have to have a conversation with your child,

00:15:00.840 have that conversation. If you want to know how you're doing at work, ask your boss for an

00:15:07.660 evaluation or review. If you want to know how your bank account is doing, exercise the courage to pull

00:15:13.360 it up. If you want to know how you're doing with regards to your health, you could even do something

00:15:17.920 as simple as jumping on the scale. And that might be something that you need to exhibit some courage

00:15:23.000 with because you know, it's getting out of hand and you've been unwilling to look at it for weeks,

00:15:29.220 months, maybe even years. Guys, we can practice being courageous in low risk environments. And again,

00:15:35.040 I want to reiterate, the beautiful thing is the more you do this, the less courage you actually need

00:15:40.020 to take these kinds of actions. There's things that I can do in my life that I'm not afraid of

00:15:45.360 anymore because I know how to act in the face of fear relative to somebody who hasn't yet practiced

00:15:53.440 and become a master at overcoming his own fears, doubts, and insecurities. Guys, number five is that

00:16:00.220 we can hedge the risk in our lives by operating in abundance and developing sovereignty in our lives.

00:16:09.820 Let me give you an example. If you are not an attractive person, and I'm not just talking about

00:16:16.160 your physical appearance, but I'm talking about your demeanor, the way you carry yourself,

00:16:21.260 your physique because you're not in shape. If you're that kind of person and you are not

00:16:29.120 an attractive, compelling person to women, for example, then you are going to be operating in a

00:16:35.640 scarcity mindset. And the first woman who comes into your life that gives you any amount of attention, 0.99

00:16:40.260 you're going to fall in love with her and want to marry her because that's your only option.

00:16:45.480 Whether she's good for you or not, that's your only option. If however, you get fit, you get strong,

00:16:51.880 you work on your physique, you work on becoming financially independent, you learn how to communicate

00:16:56.480 effectively, you learn some interpersonal communication skills, you become more of a prospect

00:17:03.560 to more women. And because you have a larger pool of women to potentially draw from, you're not as

00:17:10.840 concerned with being rejected by one person who happens to turn you down. It's the same thing with

00:17:17.320 work. If you are so reliant because you're living paycheck to paycheck on your current job that you can't

00:17:25.340 run the risk of even losing your job, because if you do, you can't pay the mortgage, you can't pay the

00:17:29.920 car payment, your kids will go hungry, there won't be a roof over their head. I mean, those are very

00:17:34.300 real concerns. But if you're operating from that position, you'll never do and say what needs to be

00:17:40.440 done and said. You'll never dare to challenge a supervisor in a healthy, respectful way. I want to

00:17:48.360 throw that out there. You'll never dare ask for a promotion or ask for an evaluation because you're so

00:17:54.060 afraid of rocking the boat because what if you lose your job, right? That's a real risk. If you haven't

00:17:59.540 built up your financial prosperity. So guys, the best way that you can hedge against the risk

00:18:05.940 associated with starting a new business, asking a woman on a date, picking up a new hobby interest,

00:18:12.020 asking for a promotion, the best way to hedge against that is to live in abundance by making

00:18:17.960 the right decisions on a daily basis to get out of debt, to get in shape, to develop a band of

00:18:23.860 brothers, to get your financial house in order, to pay off the debt that you have, and to live the

00:18:29.540 life that you know you're capable of living. When you do that, the risk that you would otherwise take

00:18:35.180 don't seem so risky because being rejected by a woman isn't the end of the world. Getting passed 0.58

00:18:40.780 over for a promotion isn't the end of the world. Losing that one client, but knowing that you have

00:18:46.140 a thousand other clients to draw from isn't going to be the end of the world.

00:18:50.100 Guys, we want to operate from a position of abundance and we do that by bridging the integrity

00:18:55.220 gap that I talked about earlier. Guys, I want to close by saying this. We've got to get this

00:19:01.380 mindset, this idea out of our head that in order to operate the way that we want to operate,

00:19:07.740 we just need to be confident. You can't manufacture that. You can't fake it. Sure, you can fake it till

00:19:14.020 you make it, but that's not confidence. That's courage. And that's the only thing you need to take

00:19:19.960 action. So I told you I was going to give you a challenge and here's my challenge to you.

00:19:23.780 I'd like you to make a list right now, if you can, if you're in the position to,

00:19:28.160 of all the things that you know you should be doing, hobbies, activities, interests,

00:19:34.460 conversations. I want you to write all of those things down. I don't want you to disqualify any

00:19:39.620 of them. I don't want you to think too much about any of them. I just want you to write down

00:19:43.120 everything that you know you should be doing, that you want to be doing, but you haven't yet done.

00:19:50.000 Once you have that list and let's say it's five items or 10 or even 20 items deep,

00:19:54.400 I want you to pick one of those things today. If it's asking for the promotion,

00:19:59.880 ask for the promotion. If it's asking a client for the sale or calling up a client and asking if they

00:20:06.560 have more business for you, then that's what you should do. If it's approaching that woman you've

00:20:11.100 had your eye on for months, do that today. If it's having a difficult conversation with your

00:20:15.780 child that is not going to be comfortable, but you know it needs to be had, then have that

00:20:20.000 conversation today. Pick one. And then tomorrow you can pick another one. The next day, another one.

00:20:25.700 And before you know it, you're stringing all of these wins together. You're bridging the integrity

00:20:30.560 gap. You're becoming a man of value. You're moving. You're aligning your thoughts with your

00:20:36.820 behaviors. And of course, the result that will come from it. And that is when you develop confidence.

00:20:43.940 One last thing. When you start to develop confidence towards a thing, towards yourself,

00:20:48.200 having confidence in yourself, courage becomes easier. You can take bigger risks because you're

00:20:54.560 confident to do it. And you know that whatever comes your way won't completely derail you.

00:20:58.900 Might be challenging. Might be difficult. Might be scary. But you know because you've got a track

00:21:05.720 record of success and a resume for winning, that you can always fall back on that. Guys,

00:21:10.580 I hope that serves you. Let me recap here. Number one, just giving yourself permission to fail and

00:21:15.320 experiment in life. Stop taking everything so seriously. Yes, there are things that we should

00:21:20.540 take seriously, but not everything is as serious or heavy as we make it out to be. Number two,

00:21:26.960 just make those good, courageous choices today. I think being courageous is a virtuous lifestyle.

00:21:37.060 In fact, being courageous is more virtuous than anything related to confidence because you can't,

00:21:42.860 you have to earn confidence. It's not something you do. You have to earn it. Number three,

00:21:48.200 put yourself around courageous people. Go where those people are. Number four, practice being courageous

00:21:53.620 in low risk environments by speaking up and asserting yourself. And then number five,

00:21:58.980 hedge your risks by operating from a place of abundance and developing sovereignty. Guys,

00:22:05.420 I hope that serves you. If you want to know more about what we're doing, you can head to

00:22:08.780 orderofman.com or probably even better is to follow me on Instagram where I'm most active

00:22:14.880 at Ryan Mickler. Connect with me there. Shoot me a message. Let me know what you think about this.

00:22:20.340 And if there's people in your life who need to hear this message of being courageous over being

00:22:24.600 confident, then I would suggest that you share this with them. I feel like if we have a resource

00:22:30.260 or a program or a solution to people's problems, then we have a responsibility and obligation to

00:22:36.360 share it with those people who will be impacted positively by the work that we could share.

00:22:40.600 So please, if you would share, it goes a long way in promoting this movement to reclaim and restore

00:22:45.080 manliness in this society that needs it now more than ever.

00:22:47.740 I see so many men out there who are not acting courageously. And I can't help but think,

00:22:53.360 what are we as a society missing when millions and millions of men are unwilling and unable to act 0.95

00:23:00.780 on the type of man they want to be? Guys, that's what I've got for you today. We'll be back next week

00:23:06.160 for our interview. Until then, go out there, take action, act courageously, and become the man you

00:23:12.440 are meant to be. Thank you for listening to the Order of Man podcast. If you're ready to take

00:23:18.000 charge of your life and be more of the man you were meant to be, we invite you to join the order

00:23:22.620 orderofman.com.

Order of Man - February 16, 2024

Courage > Confidence ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats

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Order of Man - February 16, 2024

Courage &#x3E; Confidence ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript

Courage > Confidence ｜ FRIDAY FIELD NOTES